I have a huge dilemma that I sure could use your guidance on (and CN).
I just received an email this morning from cheaters new “almost” wife. She was not the OW, but this is her email to me:
Ms. [Chump known as IHaveHate],
I’ve been wanting to get in touch with you for quite a while, but I was apprehensive that it might sound odd and of a very poor taste of me….and I must admit that it is. However, I’m trying to help someone that you once knew, and I’m trying to gather any information that could help in making sense of some symptoms, of lack of better terms, and the concerning things that his family had to say about him.
Also, It would be dishonest of me to claim doing this for selfless reasons. We’re about to set a wedding date and I’m a little fearful, to be honest. I am so sorry for the rudeness of contacting you, out of the blue, about someone that you probably don’t want to hear about, but [his son] told me that you were a very sweet lady, so I figured that you wouldn’t mind giving me some much needed insight. I can guarantee you that he does not, will not know about any possible correspondences, should you decide to follow up.
In order to prove that I’m a real person, please find, Below, a link to one of the announcements that [Cheater] put on the newspaper:
(link to engagement and imminent wedding announcement)
The only reason for attaching the link is that, from checking his records, there must be quite a few women that are a “little” angry at him, so I didn’t want you to think that I’m coming to you with bad intentions towards him. I just want to help him, and at the same time, making sure that I’m not entering a marriage with someone that is not who he pretends to be. However, my first motif remains helping a person that I’m getting ready to share my life with through whatever sort of seasonal disorder this is, so that he can go back to the stable man that I met a few months ago. It’s even starting to affect his productivity at work.
Again, I apologize, and I would perfectly understand it if you do not want to communicate. This attempt is a little too brave on my part.
I hope you have a good day!
I think this one falls under the category of “Do you warn the next one?” But here’s the thing — she asked your opinion. Which is quite different than going all Paul Revere and shouting alarms about the next cheater invasion. She’s seen the horizon, feels a sense of dread, and is asking you what you know.
Tell her. She asked.
Is this not practicing meh? Yes. Is that getting in his business? Yes. But she asked you. You have absolutely no control over how she will react to what you tell her. (It sounds like she’s dead set on “saving” him.) I wouldn’t expect her to keep it confidential either. But it’s your truth. Feel free to speak it.
I think the Golden Rule wins out here. She wants to know if she’s in danger. All you can do is share your experience and see if she connects the dots to her own situation.
Now then, the rest of this reply goes out to the Bride to Be.
Please bitchslap yourself. When “quite a few women” are angry at your boyfriend, when you feel compelled to reach out to his exes to check his story, when his OWN FAMILY WARNS YOU ABOUT HIM — trust that he sucks.
He’s not just sucking on pure reputation — you’re reporting “symptoms” that concern you. They should. You have a lot riding on this — the rest of your life.
… my first motif remains helping a person that I’m getting ready to share my life with through whatever sort of seasonal disorder this is, so that he can go back to the stable man that I met a few months ago.
a) Don’t marry someone you just met “a few months ago.” (Wedding announcement in the newspaper? WTF?!) You need a least a year for the impression management to wear off. You’re being love bombed. He’s trying to seal the deal before you find out who he really is.
You think I’m being rash in my judgments? Why don’t you extend the wedding date a year or two and see how his character plays out then? Tell me about his “stability” in 2018.
b) Assholes don’t have “seasonal disorders” — they’re assholes winter, spring, summer, and fall. He’s a cheater, not someone suffering from hay fever.
c) Don’t try to “save” him. Grown-ups don’t need saving. The only person who needs saving here is YOU. Save yourself from settling for this reclamation project. Save yourself from a lifetime of distrust, drama, and STDs. Don’t marry a serial cheater.
Get out NOW. Don’t be a chump.
If you ignore this? Glad you found us. We’ll be here when you need us.