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The Fuckwit Pride Parade

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bobsegerEarlier this week I coined the term “Fuckwit Pride Parade” in a UBT post.

In the comments, BetrayedNoMore offered this hilarious imagining of a Fuckwit Pride Parade:

Hi-dee HO there folks! It’s time once again for the annual Fuckwit Pride parade! My name is Pearl Ester and I’m super-excited to be your color commentator today! With me is Faux News psycho Dr. Keith Ablow (tee-hee!) providing color analysis!

Hi Pearl! Say, have you gained weight?

Keith! Ha-haa! You scamp! Any-hoo, folks our first Fuckwit Pride parade float is titled, “Fantasy are 4-Evah!” and is sponsored by facebook! “Facebook… Why settle for the real-life monotony surrounding you when you could be basking in the glory of your own fake universe?” This float was decorated using discarded hotel, dinner, flowers, and assorted gift receipts. Fun fact… I’m told that when added up, the receipts total more than the GDP of Greece, Costa Rica, Aruba, Disneyworld, and Thailand – COMBINED!

BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! …

Oh Keith! I know you know I know what that beat means! That’s the much anticipated “Spring, Summer, Fall, & Winter Fling” float!

Pearl, you fatso, that’s right! This year’s float is sponsored by Grindr! “Grindr… Don’t just swipe right! Swipe any direction you want! And often!” To prepare for this year’s float, cheaters were asked to narrow down the list of sexual positions they enjoy with all their fuckbuddies. The Fling float depicts 69 of these in all their innocent and harmless fun.

Isn’t that awesome Keith?! Our next Fuckwit float is themed, “Twu-Luv.” “Twu-Luv” is sponsored by the Photo Vault app. “Photo-Vault… For those dic-pics you don’t want your spouse to treasure!” This year’s float uses 40 million cotton balls to create a fog. We can’t see what’s depicted inside the fog, but I’m sure it’s spectacular!

And being towed behind the “Twu-Luv” float is the “Adult Responsibility” trailer. Okay, moving on… Ooo! Keith! Do my eyes deceive me, or is that my favorite float, “Monoga-mish??!!”

Why yes it is Pearl you whale! “Monoga-mish” is sponsored by Any Lab Test NOW! “Got that itching and burning feeling something’s not quite right? Go to Any Lab Test NOW location and receive half-off your second, third, and fourth STD screens.” This year’s “Monoga-mish” float depicts the sheer joy and euphoria fuckwits experience in their affairs.

And tailgaiting closely behind is “Gaslight” brought to us by Image Management Consultants. “When the truth makes you look like a douchebag… Use Image Management; it’s just easier.” Awarded the president’s trophy, “Gaslight” is a re-creation of the 1944 instructional documentary of the same name. Keith, I’d try to describe what I’m seeing, but I’m afraid I’d be wrong.

And you’d be right Pearl, you thunder-theighed cow! Well folks, we need to take a break and get our heads straight. This IS the Fuckwit Pride Parade!

So today’s Friday challenge is to add your floats to the Fuckwit Pride Parade.

Like the “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” float. It’s an enormous balloon, full of its own hot air, that’s sailing upwards away from the parade because no one can tether it.

Or the Tumbling Twinkies! It’s a pyramid of Other Women. One falls from the top and is immediately replaced by another.

And don’t miss the Marching Band of Excuses! Working in the key of Me, their fight song is “You Drove Me to It.”

Your turn!

P.S. This image is Bob Seger, who is wonderful in every way and as far as I know not a cheater, but I took this picture at the Detroit Thanksgiving Day parade. And if you imagine that it is NOT Bob Seger, and some big bobble-headed douchebag instead, I think it works. Do not devolve into a discussion of Bob Seger, please. Especially you Bruce Springsteen people. You’re WRONG. Just concede Bob’s greatness. Thank you.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I dunno about a float, but I can definitely imagine a group of OWs dressed as cheerleaders throwing kibbles to the crowd!

    • Oh yes, kibbles wrapped in sparkly, shiny paper. But when you open them up, there’s nothing inside.

  • I envision the “sadz” float. Maybe with a bunch of sad looking faces. Or Ben affleck head cutouts with his best sadz face on. It might have banners that say pitiful things like “I can’t believe your going to divorce me. I would never have divorced you”. Or “I’m just trying to survive. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve been kicked out of my house…. Etc Etc”. There would be motorcycles on board too. The brand new one he’s buying even though he’s living “paycheck to paycheck”. (And not paying child support).

    • Better yet — a Sadz Clown Car. One after another, they pop out of this tiny little brain-shaped car with their sad clown eyes and faces:

      “She won’t see me.”
      ‘You don’t know how hard this is for me.”
      “I’m not skipping happily down the lane, you know.”
      “I’m going through just as much hell as you are.”
      “I have nobody now.”
      “I thought we had something special.”
      “I feel like everything’s spinning out of control.”
      “I know I’m a terrible person.”
      “Why are you making this so difficult for me?”
      “At least I’m capable of forgiveness.”

      And on and on and on . . .

      • “I never meant to hurt you” followed by “but I am not with her, she is a friend”.

  • I’m hoping there’d be a giant Karma bus at the end of the parade filled with chumps tooting their own horns!

      • Now I’d pay to see the Karma Bus run those floats over…LOL

        Karma Bus Float “Wins” best float!!!!

        Have a Great Friday everyone.

      • Yes!!! Followed by snow plows to scoop them up off the street and dump them in the parking lot of Satan’s Burrito stand!

    • Good one, Ihavewings!! Now I’m excited about the parade, because of all the chumps tooting their horns at the end. But then their float must deviate from the designated parade route and head out of town on the road to Meh, where the chumps all celebrate with a huge party!!!! Yay!!

  • Omg. LMAO! I love this!!!! I’ll try and think of something to contribute… love it!

  • “We’re Just Friends” Float — The float is a gigantic bed with the cast of Friends lying on top with no clothes on, but drinking coffee. My ex went out for coffee with his ex-ho-worker before work for the past nine years and I never knew about it. After she got a divorce, coffee turned quickly into a drinks date until 1:30 in the morning so that he could “help her” feel better after her divorce. “Just friends.” Yeah, right.

    • If a married man is friends with a woman of the opposite sex, then the wife should be a friend of hers too. Meaning it should be a friend in common, and even then, it’s weird. I don’t see wives who have male friends on the side that they spend exclusive time with on their own. The “just friends” excuse is the biggest bunch of B.S. I’ve ever heard and I’ve never bought it.

      • Do you find yourself working overtime to make sure that with your guy friends you are super super careful to create very strict boundaries/behave above approach because of the whole “just friends” thing. I have a guy that I’m friends with. We met through work, though we have never worked together. We are in the same field. We are both from the same flyover state. We share a mutual love of donuts. I like his wife too, she’s lovely, I just tend to connect/chat more with him. Man – I work overtime to make sure there is no question that our relationship is inappropriate. Just recently I was going to meet up with them. I told them I was getting divorced earlier in the day so that they were not staring and stammering at dinner. But I made sure that I texted both of them on a group text. I didn’t want there to be any question about “Why is she talking to just you about her divorce.” Nope… behavior above reproach.

        • See how you respectful you are of the couple. That is how it should be, not in a clandestine manner with the innocent spouse being kept in the dark or fed bullshit that she’s just a friend.

        • Sorry, but I don’t believe you because that’s how it starts. I was that wife you are describing. Not as fun as the guy, left out of the donut runs or whatever. You need to get the fuck away from that marriage. Not even kidding.

          • Twitching, I agree with you. I don’t have experience with this type of relationship to draw upon, but it made the little hairs on my arms stick up. Bad vibes

            • I have a number of male friends, one ex colleague has been one of my key support people during this ordeal. Never has their been any risk of lines being crossed by me and as far as I know, by them either. I think if you fear opposite sex friendships what you really fear is that your SO is not trustworthy. My POS ex did stray with a junior female colleague who he had developed a friendship with, they proved they both lack character and are welcome to each other – I don’t blame workplace friendships, I blame POS arseholes who have no respect for the commitments they have made. That doesn’t mean everyone who has a friend is inevitably going to betray their families, in fact I think it would the minority that would do so. Friendships are so important in life – and you need friends outside your relationship – the last six months has shown me that – don’t write off half the population because some people have no honour.

              • Your words sound almost exactly like what the OW said about her relationship with my husband. Defending your relationships with men in general to defend your relationship with this particular man, rationalizing, justifying, it’s identical. Trying to say it’s ok because you’re just friends.

                I’ve heard it all before, and I’m not buying it.

                It is not okay. Not even a little bit.

                I bet you’re thinking, “I’m a grown-up! I can have whatever friends I want! He and I have donuts in common and his wife just doesn’t understand!”

                Well wake up. You are not a friend to that wife, and you know it.

                I’ll say it again. Back the fuck off from that marriage.

              • Regarding the Opposite Sex Friends issue, I don’t “Fear” any friendship. That’s cause I’m never again putting up with my spouse /boyfriend/ partner having a female Person who is not a family member calling, texting , sneaking around for meetings, etc. I go by BEHAVIOR, not what people want to label it. If that is what he wants go for it, I’m not tolerating it. Period. He can choose the Friend or me. Actually, if he thinks he has to “choose”, I’m withdrawing that option and getting the hell out of that relationship.

              • And, the first time a guy tells me I’m “jealous” or “insecure” he can start packing his shit then too.. And if it’s in regard to a female “friend” I’ll pack his shit for him, lol. Byeeee Felipe. Who needs you?

        • I’m with you. I couldn’t have work colleagues if I kept it strictly to women. My company and related field is rife with the male persuasion. That doesn’t mean I can or will be a Monk. I need to have boundaries, sure. but because I have boundaries and character, oh and also because Ive been kicked in the ass by infidelity, im pretty solid in how I keep my walls. There can’t be any room for that thought from others- it was never a thought from mine. My biggest work support is a guy who is the same age and we both just got promoted and transferred at the same time. I talk with his wife and work hard to make sure we don’t have business trips together and whatever else I need to do to keep conjecture at bay, but he is solidly married and I love his family. I don’t think this is a slippery slope when you have your decisions and morals in hand. We hold our spouses accountable to being above that, because we also are… I like your thoughts.

  • Oh! And here comes the Sweater Vested Therapist Marching Band! I would know that tune they are playing anywhere. It’s “C’mon, Chump, own your part of the affair!” A worldwide hit. You probably can hear them from miles and miles away. Boy, they sure know how to blow their own horns!

    • Hilarious! Yep, we’ve heard that tune so much and we’re sick and tired of it. You nailed it, DM.

      • DM – Please make sure the float designer has them all carrying their framed grad school diplomas!

    • I think this may be my favorite float….. Could they please be flinging my money from the float? I could probably feed a small country with the money I threw at them.

  • And look, folks! Here comes the Let Them Eat Cake float brought to us by the Domesticity Matters Guild! I don’t know how those ladies and gents can manage balancing those dinner trays and laundry baskets while standing on that giant fluffy confection, but look at them go! Why, they’re so engaging that the Try That Triangulation Troup behind them doesn’t hold a candle! Uh-oh! It looks like the lady on top took a tumble to land face down in the icing! And what’s this? That busty little thing’s stepping on her back to take her place? Oh, folks! This dance is exquisite! And the older lady’s up again and oh no! There goes the drinks cart carefully poised next to the younger one… This display is descending into chaos! Let’s move along to The Cope Float brought to you in part by M*stercard, a fine little Moscato vineyard out of California and the Sleep Council!

  • Hey Roberta !! Look over there, it is a special brigade of military cheaters in our parade. They have a tradition that you arent married once you pass the International Date Line because you arent living in the same day as your spouse, so cheating on deployment isn’t really cheating !

    • Ha! ha!ha! Yep, got that right Unicornnomore! Remember, both spouse and cheater aren’t even on the same day of the year, so can it REALLY be cheating? I mean, He’ll, that day hasn’t ACTUALLY happened yet!! Bwahahahaha!

      • As an Airline Pilot and ex military with international dateline experience my Cheater would be a welcome addition to the marching band. “What happens on a trip, stays on a trip.”

        • I have come to think that Pilots and College Professors who don’t cheat are very rare…I would be SUPER skeptical of ever dating anyone in those fields. And go figure this…I subsequently married a Special Agent (who lies for a living) but I pledged my troth to the fact that he isnt a cheater.

          I was Sucker Chump Extraordinaire when it came to trusting my first husband on business trips, I was absolutely sure he wouldn’t do such a thing…I never thought a moment of it. It may have been an awkward moment when he first crossed that live but once he did and no lightning bolt struck him, I think he had a new hobby. The lightening bolt got him later.

  • How about the “Poof They’re Gone” float. This float can showcase slack jawed chumps, enraged teenagers, and hysterical kids surrounded by piles of the cheater’s crap that they won’t need for their new better life. Take out my trash and comfort those kids, I’ve got a date with a 22year old coworker!

    • Oh, and do this while paying the bills I no longer care to pay while you have cancer. Me cruel, “you just don’t understand twu luv and I deserve to be happy”. “You are in pain and can’t get out of bed”? “Good, This really is happening after 35 years together.

      The parade float name is discard and bye bye express.

    • Oh yes, that would be my float, Sweetpants. We could have wisps of smoke rising from the float to signify how our exes seemingly vanished overnight, leaving everything behind. Some of the chumps on the float would pretend to dutifully pack their cheater-spouses’ clothes for them like I did, while others would throw their cheaters’ personal belongings from the float like candy for the onlookers to pick up as prizes. And we could have a chump child or two stumble around the float crying “where is my dad/mom?” to which of course there would be no response.

  • Now this is a parade I’d gladly watch. I’m sure somewhere in the line up is the I Just Want To Be Happy float.

  • Wow, that post by BetrayedNoMore was genius, top notch!
    Thinking about this too much depresses me considerably, even though I know the idea is to have fun, so I’ll keep it short: they could have a High School/College Sweethearts Reunion Float, sponsored by Facebook, where all the decor is from 25-30 years ago, and maybe the music is Adele’s “Hello.” Also, there could be a Shameless Exploitation of Children Float, where cheater moms get their hair done with their daughters before they meet up with their OM, and actually wear their the new dresses they just bought for their daughter because, OMG, isn’t it just the cutest thing!

    • OMG you just hit a massive trigger of mine – STBX’s affair is with an old girlfriend and he kept sending her Adele songs, Hello being one of them.

      Slinking off to have a mini nervous breakdown……….

      • Yeah, Adele (that one song in particular) makes me want to barf. And so many people LOOOOVE her…

        • Adele is great. That is just a terrible song (though she’s in fine voice for it). But I love your float, oaktree. My cheater xW would be on top of it. She was trolling Facebook for old high school boyfriends from 30 years before, and left me for one. Just pathetic, talk about “Glory Days” (a prophetic song). Thanks for this visual.

            • And actually, I loved Adele’s first album. I just have a very bad reaction to that song, even yelled at my son once when he started singing it (well, told him how much I hated it). Awkward, regrettable moment. I’ll have to give the rest of the album a listen, I just…

              • Mine used to blast “Rolling in the Deep” so our neighbor down the street could here it (apparently it was their song…) Put me off Adele, unfortunately.

              • This is meant for movin on (why do some posts not have a ‘reply’ button?): Ughh, that would definitely put me off. Maybe I’m just not meant to enjoy Adele at all…

            • In response to your question about no reply button. I noticed this too on some comments. I think WordPress has a limit for replies (or perhaps CL sets it), so once it reaches 7 replies tt doesn’t show a button. Guess to keep us from going down a rabbit hole or hijacking threads 🙂

    • Oh man Oaktree you hit the nail on the head, in. every. detail. That float will be overcrowded and my CW will be one of them. Maybe it should be called “Homecoming”, and their motto “Feel young again”. It needs to be strong to hold all them – made of oak!

        • This. ^^^ Someone once wrote here that Facebook is the lazy cheater way to avoid real courtship. They don’t have to make any effort to pick up on someone they once knew. And there is no way to verify anything they represent. The ad banner would be “Hook up with old friends”! Old being the operative word.

      • The Coward allegedly found the Twat Troll on FB–what, like 20-something years after they last saw each other. Twu wuv, indeed! FATE determined the demise of our marriage, the kids and I be damned. Well, that, and he had an Ashley Madison account and an Adult Friend Finder account, and probably had cheated before, so, either which way, he was going to get him some action. Ah, FB! Bringing lovers together at long last.

  • I see a float that’s a big cellphone, constructed out of crap. It doesn’t have much detail to it, as the makers have their phone placed face down.

    Always a face-down phone. It was my first clue.

      • Doesn’t need to be face down when cheater saves howorkers name in his phone as something other than her actual name!!! Oh I was so stupid and trusting….

        • Got to keep it on silent because it really sucks when your chump wife notices that you’ve posted a new song you wrote to YouTube, which you couldn’t help but note was inspired by a “conversation with a ‘friend.'” And then, damn it, that “friend” has to go calling you at home, not knowing you’ve assigned “her song” as her special twu wuv wingtone on your phone. Hate it when that happens. A person could stroke out trying to silence that thing before the chump wife figures it out.

          It’s probably been suggested down thread, but we most definitely need a Marriage Police float, along with a Dimwitted Cheaters float, which would be on the back of the turnip truck they all think we just fell off of.

    • Mine would take his phone into the bathroom. I recall saying it was pretty pathetic if he had to pretend he was using the bathroom all the time just to text with his skank whore.

      • AH YES – the phone…..
        So obvious, but I was told that the lock and layers of privacy were necessary since the deals he was cutting were private……
        And I was never allowed to ask where he was/ who he was with / why he was late – BECAUSE ACCORDING TO HIM, HE MADE ALL THE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

      • Cellphone AND laptop taken into the bathroom so he could “check the news while he pooped.” Yeah. Apparently he needed both devices in order to have a satisfactory news-reading-shit-taking experience. Only I wasn’t taking that shit.

  • My float is Demonic Derby/Insanity Island, depending on whether you see demonic possession as real or a mental illness, or both.

    Anyway, it’s a large race track, with an island in a lake in the middle. The race vehicles are four poster beds, which the cheaters periodically levitate above. They also do 360° head spins, and volitive ly vomit green pea soup. All of this earns you points, in addition to the creativity and stupidity of what you say.

    We’re just friends. She’s a good person! We didn’t have sex at that motel! Any contestant with an original thought we have never heard is the instant winner. Yay!

  • I’m going to go for the Smorgasbord of strange. There are four horizontal changeable banners and there’s one non-changeable one. The top one has hairstyles, the next is the non changeable one, which has several faces, but they are foggy-looking and generally obviously unimportant. The next has chests, then torsos and genitals. then the last has legs. One side is visually male, one female.

    The people on the float are cheaters and their goal is to make sure the create a brand new faceless mate every thirty seconds to maximize novelty.

    At the top is are two hoodwinked figures, a parent and a child.

  • Spectators! And by that I mean heavily affected innocent families about to become Collateral Damage! Please make way for the Fuzzy Math New Years Baby Float!

    Child Protectice Services has prohibited any actual blameless children from taking part in the Spectacle, but hell, just more attention for the Narc’s, I say! Watch a midthirties entry level bank clerk twerk shamelessly for worthless beads and ‘You’re Berry Special’ stickers from a recliner bound bacon fiend who’s almost 50! It will make you forget all about your fidelity vows, even neglect to send your tween daughter lunch money!

    Spin, Spin, Spin! Our Fuzzy Math Wheel of STDs and Extramarital Conception! What? You have HPV now but have always been faithful? It’s a antibody miracle! Full term babies CAN be born 8 months after D-Day! 48 year old spunk can work a rancid sluterus! Hosannas and Mylar Ballons and shit!*

    Please note that the entire decorative surface of the float was made from overdue bills left behind, dust bunnies from empty rooms, and those fucking Christmas Ornaments you won’t STFU about. Glued on with a paste made from Hopium and stepfamily tears.

    *Disclaimer- We never acted on our luvfeelings till the day I moved out nearly a month after I was caught lying about luvfeelings. Isn’t she wonderful? Aside from being a lying whore you’d like her. She has a convection uterus that can fully cook a newborn to term in eight months. It’s new, only the younger ladies have them.

    **We are special and splendid. Don’t judge! Unless it’s for a lifetime supply of bacon. Then by all means.

    ***Mene Wadies not allowed to judge Bacon Prize or Present the Glitter Turd Trophy to Miss Convection Uterus.

      • In the rush to be with Schmoopie Forever or Three Months, my ex left all his Christmas Decorations behind. I carefully, generously sorted them and bought a new tree, leaving every bit of his nicely packed in the shed, along with all the baby and special ornaments I had bought for them over the years. He failed to pick them up when he said he would, then told my stepdaughter I stole them, causing her to have a full on sobbing fit when she say our gorgeous tree on Facebook. I responded to HER directly to comfort her and reassure her that the ornaments were still right where Daddy could get them, and Cc’d him. He finally came and got them or they just disappeared from the shed. It was the turning point for me in seeing how manipulative and blameshifty he really was.

      • Ironically, my stepchildren asked me to keep their Christmas ornaments (we had a tradition of buying new ones while on our summer vacation). They will want to come to my house on Christmas and see them on my tree (the home they grew up in).

        The collateral damage of Mr. Sparkles and #4 is epic.

  • Well here comes the Bathroom Selfie Float. Is that Ester with the toilet in clear view as she takes snaps of herself. The crowd cheers as she pouts into the bathroom mirror and elbow presses her tities and gets that close up.

    Well lookie there….it’s Ablow and his cock selfie for his loover and isn’t that his wife sending a bathroom selfie to the hot young waiter Ablow wouldn’t divorce her for.

    The Bathroom Selfie Float is proudly sponsored by Drano for those cheater shaved and plucked pubes that clog the toilet.

    • OMG PF! My ex and his Schmoopie had a slew of bathroom pics! I think it’s cause they know we generally won’t bother them while they are in the bathroom. Unfortunately, any bathroom will do, so I now know what the men’s bathroom looks like at my ex’s work! It cracks me up to look at them because they are all smiles. Not to mention the OW taking a picture of her crotch by hiking her leg up on the sink and snapping a picture of the reflection in the mirror! YUCK! I could have lived a lifetime without seeing that, but the Ex saved them all on his computer under a file with her pet name on it! I did however print a few for my divorce attorney! It was VERY helpful in getting a MORE than fair settlement.

      • Thanks Roberta! I was trying to avoid starbucks vanilla scones but craving them at the same time. Your visual has cured me. Thanks!

      • OMG PF! My ex and his Schmoopie had a slew of bathroom pics! I think it’s cause they know we generally won’t bother them while they are in the bathroom. Unfortunately, any bathroom will do, so I now know what the men’s bathroom looks like at my ex’s work! It cracks me up to look at them because they are all smiles. Not to mention the OW taking a picture of her crotch by hiking her leg up on the sink and snapping a picture of the reflection in the mirror! YUCK! I could have lived a lifetime without seeing that, but the Ex saved them all on his computer under a file with her pet name on it! I did however print a few for my divorce attorney! It was VERY helpful in getting a MORE than fair settlement

        Yep, Roberta same here. Douchelord left an entire file buried in the program files on a PC that he left when he made his grand exit. All of her in all her glory. Crotch shot, tit shots, it was a spectacular find. Except all the photos were taken in OUR bedroom and bathroom. I saved them all to a thumb drive and dropped them off at the attny. They were presented as exhibit 4 along with exhibit 5 which would be the statement with the airfare, rental car and financial support he gave her. I got a very nice settlement indeed.

        • Noelle, my ex realized, after dragging his feet for nearly a year, that it would benefit him to just give me everything I wanted instead of having all this evidence of his douchebaggery to go before a judge! He knew he was screwed and in the process his Schmoopie would literally be exposed to a variety of people (not that I believe she is shy at all), but shame and embarrassment was wonderful leverage!

        • What a horrible violation, Noelle. I’m so sorry. ((HUGS)) So glad you got a good settlement, and hope you’re well on your way to MEH!

        • Noelle, she took all those nasty photos in YOUR bathroom/bedroom euw…Yea, I guess those would show just how disrespectful and violating they were to you. You and Roberta deserve everything you got 10 times over.

      • What is it about cheaters and bathroom selfies? Mr. Chuckles always spent forever in the bathroom, but it wasn’t until I saw the push notifications from Schmoopie that I learned that he was sending her pictures of his poor little sausage.

        Given the length of time he spent in the bathroom, I wonder how long he had to work up to it… 😛

        • You know, I’m sorry, but why would anyone want a picture of some one’s dick? I mean, that’s just disgusting.

          • Truly, genitals are pretty meaningless out of context to me. But, then, I didn’t stop developing emotionally when I was seven and I’m not a sex addict, soooooooo…

            You can’t play basketball with a frisbee in soft grass. Chumps and cheaters aren’t even playing on the same field/court.

          • Anita, I guess you’ve not done online dating then? Sadly, dick pics are all the rage.

            • I agree Karma Express. Men think it’s what women want to see. Heck, it was my birthday and I was out with friends. And this random guy approaches and starts talking to me. Not 5 minutes had gone by when out of the blue and out of context, he whips out his phone and shows me his dick pic. I told him to F- off and couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

            • I managed to get through middle aged dating and got remarried without ever receiving a dick pic …I feel like I got through the gauntlet. I told my 19 yr old daughter that and she got a “TMI!!! ” face

    • Omg!! I had forgotten about the manscaping. But hey, gotta have those old balls looking spiffy for those sophisticated backpage ho’s!

    • The bathroom selfie float and the porta potty float should probably be spaced apart… Porta potty float is needed so that the cheaters can pop in every 10 minutes to text/sext/call their fuck of the moment/put out any fires while they are out or traveling with their spouse. I wondered if dirt had a medical issue or something, my gut knew though.

  • Shit sandwich float.. or at least a vendor walking around yelling “get your shit sandwiches here!”.

  • I have another one. The Magic Mirror Photo Booth. It works like one of those Facebook memes, How I Think I Look. Then How I Really Look.

    I’ll use ex as an example. How I Think I Look: Teenage (eeew) , thin, with lush flowing hair, and hot chicks falling all over me.

    How I Really Look: Fifties, bloated balding loser with forties skaggy alcoholic whore (only one, damn it) falling all over me.

    Like Chuck E Cheese, complimentary photo print outs are available.

  • How about a giant postcard float, multiple exotic destinations on it. Caption reads “this is hard for me toooooo”

  • I’ve got the “Blameshifter” all revved up and raring to go. Magicians pulling long strings of nonsensical words out of their mouths, making underwear disappear off skanky models, cleaning shot spots with a Magic Eraser, and in the middle, a big game of Twister with naked cougars, married men, the nanny, and your closest friend … or so you thought.

  • These floats are spectacular this year aren’t they fat ass?? speaking of spectacular, looks like a replica of the Matterhorn coming towards us folks, entitled “The Switzerland float,” made from mega rolls of toilet paper. Nice effect with patches of brown. Look at that, our home town hero, sitting on a throne or is that a toilet?? Love the elves dressed in shades of brown, frolicking around him, some massaging his shoulders, others kissing his behind, who can blame them, he’s such a great guy, so sensitive.., what’s that he’s wearing? well, of course.., his Eagle Scout Uniform…,

    • Bwahahahaha! Mine took a selfie of himself on the toilet! His Schmoopie’s nickname for him was, get this, King Poop! Wow, how adorable! I remember reading texts on his phone while he was fooling around with her and the topic of conversation was about who had left a small turd in the hotel toilet! Does it get anymore sexy and amusing then that??? Of course Schmoopie ALWAYS had her “poopouri ” with her! Don’t ask me how I know this, but it’s a fact! After all, she should have been using it as perfume to cover the pile of shit she actually was! But then again, she was sleeping with ex and he is a pile of shit too so I guess they cancel each other’s stench!

  • I can imagine my ex on a float dressed in something glittery, shining like the sun – and all the OW’s rotating around him making smoochy faces; he is truly at the center of his own damn universe.

        • What about the “I’m too sexy” song by Right said Fred
          Should be my stbx’s theme song (nevermind that he pays for the strange)
          Pretty much fits for any other narcissist as well.

      • ROTFL. “I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it.” We’ve found the cheater theme song!

        And yep, Right Said Fred’s “I’m too sexy” is the other one. I’ve posted it here at least twice. 🙂

        • X wears shirts like the singer in this video, all the time. If anyone mentioned his muscles that would be our conversation for the entire day. I think he alternates now between the tank tops and his biking ensemble..,

          https://youtu.be/P5mtclwloEQ

  • The Switzerland Friends Marching Drill Team. They’re all dressed in folk costumes and lederhosen, and do intricate maneuvers while yodeling War’s “Why Can’t We (All) Be Friends?”

    • Veni, I could see mine dressed in glitter, speedos, with his shirt off, glazed with vegetable oil while flexing his muscles, admiring himself in a full length mirror, with the same smoochy faced women making their smoochy faces.
      Fifi, I love the Switzerland Friends Marching Drill Team. excellent choice of songs, “Why Can’t We Be Friends,”

      • YUCK. Yeah, definitely add this song to the drill team’s repertoire. Let them try yodeling THAT.

  • The toddler tantrum float is entering the parade unannounced. The spastic car is driving crazy as it careens at break-neck speeds through the crowded streets. On board are the “you pushed my button” kazoo band and the local “I can ruin a family holiday if I want to” drummers club. Children and unsuspecting wives are buckled in the front cowering in fear as the determined driver is pushing the gas pedal to the floor. Ooops!!!!- a wrinkled up old girlfriend just bounced off the back of the float. Guess this float is full of lots of surprises!

    • Love this float! Especially “I can ruin a family holiday if I want to.” Seriously, I thought that was only The Entitled One but apparently that’s yet another way they’re all the same.

  • Tracy, your posts are always good but today’s is downright INSPIRED and I needed it today… Its my Cheater’s bday today and I was all crying in my car with the sadz… Then your post reminded me what a FuckWit he is…. And I’m also waiting for my test results… So yeah, he sucks.

  • I know you implored for no Seger mention, but it’s his birthday! Happy Birthday!!!

    The fact that this is what I thought of after reading the post (don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing and definitely made my morning), makes me feel like I have really gotten to “meh”. Can that happen on a Friday instead of a Tuesday?

    • Chumpasaurus Rex=

      Hell yeah! It can definitely can be a Friday! I hear they let you check in whenever you get there which is just one of the many cool things about meh. I hope to arrive soon.

  • How about a “broken triangle ” float? Cute little house with kids crying in the front yard as sane parent puts cheaters cloths out on the curb. (This happened )

  • Great idea CL…

    Got to go to work, but hey, a few to warm up:

    The “Double Standard” float, all decked out with I am sorry if my actions hurt you but how dare you do the same thing to me?

    The “Sing like a Canari” float, with jumbotron screen playing the best fuckwit mindfucking quotes with our cheaters’ portraits and their name on it!

    The “Fuck OW/OM Privacy” float, distributing scarlet As to deranged people who sleep with cheaters.

    I can’t wait to read more of these today and throughout the weekend!

  • The Glittery Turd float…..big, huge, and oh so sparkly in the sun……the fuckwits on it throw out handfuls of glitter at the crowd, too….or better yet, shoot it out with a glitter gun….mwah haha.

    And of course the Peter Pan float…..dedicated to Neverland where no real responsibilities exist….fuckwits dressed as Peter Pan and the lost boys…dangling from wires that are meant to “fly” them around but actually they’re just mostly danging haplessly, although the fuckwits don’t seem to care, they enjoy it just the same.

  • Lookie there it’s the OM/OW marching band….gosh golly the Other Women are blowing horns and the Other Men are playing what looks like vijayjay harmonicas. Yup folks it’s sounds like they’re attempting to play that great tune “do you think I’m sexy”.

    Sure they’re playing out of tune and every few yards there’s a cat fight and doucheman shoving as they try to manoeuvre their way to the front of the parade route. They’ve just cut in front of the Sweater Vested Therapists Marching Band and are aiming to overtake the Twu-Luv Float.

    Got hand it out to those OW/OM, nothing stands in their way.

    • Too funny PF, I can picture the harmonicas and horns and am laughing so hard.., these are all hysterical.
      Sweater Vested Therapists, need a good kick in the ass.., seriously (ha)

    • Lol you guysdd
      Wait! What’s that they’re playing now? Why, it’s a new twist on an old classic:
      ‘When the Taints Come Marching In’

    • LOL, just had an image of the Budweiser/Clydesdales horses, but for the Fuckwit Parade, it would be a herd of unicorns pulling a wagon of …. Someone help me finish this thought, I’m at work and getting dostracted

        • Assclowns following behind the unicorn drawn wagon shoveling up the unicorn shit which will later be served at the Closing Ceremony’s shit sandwich eating contest.

          • BTW–the delusional fuckwits prepared all those shit sandwiches but NO chumps competed because ….well, we know why no chumps participated, don’t we?

      • And the unicorns would look like that picture Ian Dubito posted a few posts ago. Maybe they’d be pulling a wagon of Big Liar IPA. “I told you it was beer, didn’t I? It’s yellow, isn’t it for Cripes sake? Where’s your trust? You are killing this marriage with your suspicion!”

  • Gotta have a Double Life float. A happy family on one side and Craigslist Hos on the other!

  • How about the “Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt” float? We’ll put a bunch of two and three year old kids on it looking sheepish and saying “It wasn’t me!”

    Mr. Sparkles thinks if he denies something enough times, it will cease to be true for anyone. Good lord, if that only worked I would have the most amazing thighs.

    I am SO going to this parade.

    • Dirtbag thinks the same thing, if he denies it happened or is happening, despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary, if he denies it enough times, it’s true. He has had 30+ years of chump training with 2 ex wives (yeah me, #3) and literally at least triple digit partners and harem members. It may number in the 1000’s. I kid you not. He is a musician, attractive, endowed, but most importantly, charismatic and a very convincing liar and manipulator with no morals or empathy. Why not throw your dick at any pussy (20 year older?) and see what sticks. It’s surprisingly successful. Maybe there needs to be a throwing contest after the parade?

      • Dirtbag thinks the same thing, if he denies it happened or is happening, despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary, if he denies it enough times, it’s true.

        This sentence really resonated with me. My marriage came crashing to a violent halt when I noticed the seat of our new car was damaged in a way that could only be explained by sex. Prior to the purchase of that car I had put up with a lot of emotional and sometimes physical abuse from XH. I had also supported him for many years. At the time we bought that new car, purchased from my inheritance from the death of my mother, I had hoped that it would help to mend our relationship. XH drove me back and forth to work and had the new car to himself whenever I was at work. You can imagine my shock when I saw the seat – there was simply no other explanation for the damage except sex. XH defiled my inheritance with another woman and one who knew that he and I were married. You would think that with obvious evidence that he would just come clean and tell the truth, but no dice. I listened to more excuses than a cat has lives, each one making less sense than the last, and it was nothing short of infuriating. He was willing to deny that he cheated one billion times if necessary. Even after I shot down every single excuse with a rational explanation as to why I was not buying it, he then said he didn’t know what happened to the car seat, but that it was not sex. I think his MO was “Death by 1,000 Denials”; that if he adamantly denied it enough, he could shake my confidence in my own perception so that I would give him the benefit of the doubt and in turn continue to enable his cheating. My confidence was shaken, not to the point of buying his lies, but to the point of sitting in the car and just staring at the seat and second-guessing my perception. I would always conclude by telling myself, “There’s just nothing else it could be.” One thing that was telling was the non-verbal micro-second facial expressions that accompanied his verbal denials; these expressions often were clear indicators of acquiescence. OW also turned beet red the first time she saw me after I discovered the car seat; I thought that was telling as well.

        • First, ewww gross. I would be infuriated too! What an ass. Sounds a lot like dirtbag. Lives off the wifey because he is a musician, so he has his days free to screw anything that moved and he had late night gigs too, that served as “dates” for his bitches. In my case, I had photographic evidence of him in the act in our home provided by one of the sluts. She was tired of his lies and forwarded me photos and text messages where he said I was disgusting and crazy and he wasn’t with me. Of course, we lived together and were engaged at the time. That hopium combined with the gas from the gas lighting is powerful stuff. It makes you doubt yourself EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW OTHERWISE. To this day he claims the ho photoshopped him and it never happened. The best part was she sent me the messages while we were in Hawaii. Another trip ruined.

          • I’m sorry. Never underestimate the power of duper’s delight for the disordered. It is not the content of their deception that is so compelling – it is the absolute sincerity with which they continuously, unwaveringly voice their lies. The excuses I heard about how the car seat got damaged included but are not limited to: the sun did it, salt used to treat ice and snow on the road got in the car and did it, gloves laid on the seat did it, the oil change technicians did it, the car manufacturer used defective material in that area, it was normal wear and tear, it was nothing, french fries did it, his mother did it.

  • Here comes the RIC float! There is a gaggle of chumps wearing rose-coloured glasses chasing the after the float. Oooooh…. what’s that? The RIC float is tossing goodies to the audience! They’re hopium pipes, folks! Get yours today! Oh dear, the chumps have all tripped over the speed bump of reality. That’ll knock the rose-coloured glasses right off their faces and the hopium pipes right out of their hands.

    Oooh! What’s next? I see the “I’m a cheater and I’ve tried everything to fix this marriage” float. It’s empty, folks. There is an empty float. Those cheaters really go all out, don’t they?

    • I’m glad the RIC is represented, because they keep the shitshow going for years after it would have died a natural death . maybe we can declare them Grand Marshalls!!

  • How about the “You’re going to drive me away” float that runs in reverse when you ask the driver for the truth.

  • Don’t forget the dark float …lit with gaslights and filled with smoke and mirrors

  • I can not wait to get home to read all of this! Happy Friday I am laughing like crazy @ work! I will get in the Karma Bus for sure ?? ?

  • Mine would be a street balloon of Batman’s villain Twoface, held to the earth by balloon handler – chumps and their children trying desperately to hang on and steady the lines. Accompanied by the spangelly Pick Us Dancers, TM, there is no need for guidance to stay on the parade route, the wind blows the entire balloon and company wherever it wants to go.

    In the best world, at the end of the parade, on the count of three, the balloon holograms into an anchor, everyone lets go

  • And here come the Rockettes performing their take on the Pick Me Dance to Pink’s Please Please Don’t Leave Me, by kicking cheaters down the street in front of them! Who let them in here? Followed by a Karma Bus of crying cheater’s sobbing Baby, Come Back! Someone get security over here!.

  • My contribution is a float made up of entirely of 6-8ft mirrors arranged at various angles, a couple of smoke machines to disperse magical smoke throughout and then topped with a disco ball with a carefully placed spot light to illuminate it sparkling while it is twirling around and bouncing rainbows off of the mirrors and fog.

  • OMG, LMAO at these images!!!!
    I had a flash of the parade in Animal House with the cake float with (ironically) the character D-Day driving, BWHAHAHAHAAA

    • LOL, great minds think alike, I had the Animal House float in mind too, but I’d forgotten D-Day was driving it.

      Eat me!!!! (Not you, Molly, referencing the cake float :D)

  • Here come our old guys riding on those juvenille women shaped mini-motorcycles! Looks like the Shriners only more ridiculous!

    And now a word from our sponsors: JaniKing. They are sweeping up the abandoned daughters, sons, grandhchildren, dogs, cats, Iguanas…..

  • Rounding the corner for the judge’s review is the sex addiction float. The base is made entirely from boxes of condoms, all large sizes of course! The boxes are part of Trojan’s sponsorship agreement. Perched atop the boxes is a sweater vested therapist proclaiming to be the king of this unlicensed, unregulated industry. What’s that behind him? It’s a mountain of money wrapped in disclaimers about experimental treatment and lack of supporting literature. In front of him you’ll see a man explaining away his selfish sexual misbehavior a while his spouse openly weeps.

    Oh, what’s that attached to the back? It’s the polyamory trailer. Look at all all the beauties on there. All of them holding tools sponsored by Snap-On. What better way to fix your marriage than to unilaterally change the terms? Careful, looks like the trailer edges are slippery! Don’t fall off. But if you do you can always blame the confines of monogamy!

    • Patrick Carnes can be King of the fuckwit sex addict float but it would have to be attached to the codependent /12 step/ foo issue float ?

      • The rule requiring that chumps and cheaters stay on their own side of the street during parade hours will be strictly enforced by polygraph.

  • Don’t forget the vintage antique hot rods that some parades include, especially the customized Shit-er-ado’s, convertibles, sports cars that these losers buy themselves to make themselves be more sparkly to their APs

    • The backseat of the car float accompanied by police escort, of course. It is where the cheaters and their AP will have a place to”pray” and “just talk” about how committed to their spouses they are. Clothes will be strewn about and there will be bobble heads popping up and down to the beat of “Jesus Walks”.

    • Yes, Unsinkable! Like the old Porsche the POS thinks is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
      POS worked literally weeks on it and wanted me to help him sound proof it, new stereo etc.
      Instead, I did what POS does in life and that is ‘pretend’. I pretended to be watching POS from the outside of the car as he was sound proofing from the inside BUT all the while getting the evidence I needed off his phone and snapping pics of it right onto my phone!

    • My dumb ass (mid-30s) cheater bought himself a Camry, lol. Then he got it repossessed maybe a year later, lololololol

  • Today is my anniversary with STBX, so discussion of a parade seems appropriate. I could contribute a float entitled ‘The Cheating on Chump on Anniversary Float.’ (STBX cheated on his affair partner (with a prostitute) to get over his mistress who he used to cheat on (‘get over’) me, his uninformed wife who thought that we were finally emotionally bonding (over the phone) on our ninth anniversary.) I am thinking about starting another parade, the Cheater/Noncommittal ‘Partner’ Parade, but I’m not sure how to create the Meh Float.

  • I just saw the “Grad-whore” float go by. A professor was standing in the middle wearing a coat with patches on the elbows, his cell phone in hand. His work was so important he had to look at his cell phone every couple of minutes, Good Lord, it would be a disaster if he missed a chance to give someone advice. Anyway, he was surrounded by young, nubile women who fawned over every utterance that came out of his mouth. One woman in particular sat at his feet, mirroring everything he did. She wore a jacket like his, and copied all his mannerisms. She asked him every few minutes for suggestions on how to improve herself.

    The professor’s wife trailed along behind the float with her children in tow, looking forlorn and forgotten. As the float passed by I heard him shout, “She’s just someone who really listens to me” in the general direction of his wife, before he focused his attention once again on the adoring woman at his feet.

  • Don’t forget the “Amnesia Float.” Everyone on it has the astonishing ability to remember, in minute detail, the reasons why their chumps drove them to cheating – but can’t for the life of them remember any details about their affairs.

  • Following in a wispy cloud is the Affair Fog float where if you only look hard enough you can catch glimpses of the poor confused douche bags, sponsored by Massengil. Upon second look you can see the outline of that razor sharp fence the poor DB are forced to straddle….. So sad! “Forced?” you ask. “Yes,” it’s so hard for those douches once they hit Mid-Life and must feel the pain of aging. Poor, poor sausages.

  • The “Eat Me” cake float from Animal House is the first thing that popped in my head. I wish I knew how to post a picture of it on here – somebody please do it!! God, I love that movie but now I’ll never look at the parade scene in the same way.

  • And bringing up the rear, the entry from all the Disillusioned Children. We appreciate they might not like coming first, but they simply are not sparkly enough for the Cheater parade. They’ll just have to keep trudging on, hoping that someone else in the parade will notice them.

  • Hey, we need Dancing Yetis and Guys Jumping Around In Sleeping Bags! I almost forgot about them.

    • I am sorry to announce that the MIDLIFE CRISIS FLOAT will not be in attendance today, folks.

      That’s because we all know that IT DOESN’T EXIST!!!!

  • I can imagine some sad unfortunate flock of cheater followers and enablers who trudge along cleaning up the shit left behind from the horses that begrudgingly pull the “Win Me!” cheater floats.

  • The next hot-air float is sponsored by BINMORE. Their national slogan is: “If you’d BINMORE ____ (adventurous, spontaneous, understanding, sexual, willing to drop everything to do what I wanted when I wanted it) I wouldn’t have strayed.”

  • How about a spackle float. It is a giant ball of tangled ropes made to look like a huge skien of fucked-up-ness. Parade goers are welcome to hop on the float, pick up a bucket of spackle and smear it on wherever they see fit. Yes, we can put glitter on the spackle (c’mon, we’ve all done it!). This is an audience participation/art project float.

    • I think I see a sad sausage float with cheaters holding out cups asking for spare change wearing pity party hats.

  • A float displaying all sorts of “pussies”, laying on their backs with their legs spread apart, purring seductively, with a come hither look in their eye

  • Look what’s next folks! It’s the “I’m an upstanding, classy guy” float!
    Yes! That’s the float where it’s all just an illusion. The float that puts on its best performance as a kind human being but later likes to talk about all those lowly people beneath his highness’ ass!
    You know…..the ‘workers’ that he feels sorry for and throws them an old mattress here or there. Poor things they’re so beneath his majesty.
    And this float is multi-talented because it can also talk about other people who have lied and cheated and done lots of other corruptible things while really in the background they’re laughing their asses off knowing they’ve duped the shit out of you!
    Yes folks, thats the one and only “I’m an upstanding, classy guy” float! Please kiss it’s royalty ass as it passes by.

    • IHavehate, I think we were married to the same Cheater. Upstanding, classy guy with tons of integrity, empathetic too. Until later when he talks about what losers they are and how they’re beneath him and all his glory..

  • And here comes the sad sausage marching recorder band playing ‘why can’t you just get over it’ followed by ‘I didn’t you’d care’ from that famous songbook Studid Shit Cheaters Say.

  • The Foot in Both Camps Float!
    Very tricky – and only for the most talented cheaters
    Cheater straddles two floats – moving at same speed – and tries not to fall off
    Float A – has slutty / sleazy looking APs, restaurants, roses, and messy unmade beds- all anchored in black ooze —-
    Float B – has houses/children/laundry baskets, garden tools and RESPONSIBILITIES! all in green grass and beautiful flowers – the most beautiful ilfe tapestry you’ve ever seen!

  • Dear CN and Tracy – thanks.
    I needed this today. Got back into town at midnight was sitting down to my desk and literally crying as my cheater (we’re separated) had texted last night saying he loved me and would be by in the morning – of course that must have just been the Tito’s (vodka) talking, or maybe the 28 year old is out of town.
    My hopium pipe is oversized, 24 carat gold, and has burned 24/7 for far too long……………

    • Hugs, Tired. Sucks to be at the hoovering stage. Get that cheater and his tito out of your life. You don’t need, want or deserve that shit. Focus on doings, not sayings…

      lotsalove
      Mehphista

    • Tired- Dirtbag did similar to me for 9 months, and still tried occassionaly. After 7 months of words but no action, I decided I didn’t want to not be the only one in our marriage, finance his fucknest and slutcar, house his mom, and be his backup plan. He would’ve kept me wriggling on the marriage hook forever. I was of use to him. I was cake.
      Someone may have said this already, but I think a squad of vacuums would be a requirement in any parade.

        • yes yes – a HOOVER MANEUVER FLOAT!

          A GIANT VACUUM being operated by a cheater….and HUGE GROUP FROM CHUMP NATION HOLDING ON TO / TRYING TO SAVE THE CHUMP THAT THE CHEATER IS TRYING TO SUCK BACK INTO THE CHAOS………………

          • I feel for you, tired chump. I am still susceptible to the hopium, although I do my absolute damn best to burn that bridge every chance I can. My friends, family and “our” close mutual friends ( the real ones), tether me down based on wha they know. You could regret telling those close to you, but only if you are hoping for wreckonciliation. I still have those moments when he is being sweet, charming, hoovering, pity-me-ing. But I just phone a friend or ten who knows the story, or get on here, and the effects quickly wear off. I am finally, finally going no contact which is a million times better. Day 3, yeah me.

            Should there be a no contact booth? This is a parade for fuckwits so they won’t participate, but maybe a pop up shop on the route? Complete with email, phone and social media erasers? Kinda like a Wonder Woman lasso?

  • Let’s not forget the “She/he is JUST a friend” float! Not sure how this could look because I got this line from Schmoopie when I crashed into their hotel room! Funny, I didn’t fuck my “friends” in a hotel room??? Am I just “misunderstanding” all this when you are wearing, of all things, a WHITE negligee?? Guess I’m just stupid, or at least Schmoopie thought I was close enough to an idiot to believe it! Who knows, who cares!

  • Annnnd…..right in the Middle comes the Switzerland Float, covered with coworkers, family and friends. They sit quite high up so they can be above it all, but they still wear blinders. Proudly brought to you by the Reconciliation Industrial Complex

      • Wait! Where’s the “I FORGIVE AND FORGOT” FLOAT? I haven’t seen that yet…..

        Oh, someone just told me in my earbud that floats made for carrying that sort of Chumps are far and few between and won’t be in this parade.

        • Geez…what was WRONG with me in the above post????

          “I forGAVE and forgot”

          “that sort of CHUMP are few and far between”

          I guess I was just too excited about the parade to be bothered with proof reading….. ‘-)

  • And here comes the Jobless and Moochers Float! For cheaters who have been chronically unemployed, having their spouse support them financially for endless years. Those who are financially irresponsible are also part of this float, also included are those who are in major debt, or just simply lazy to get off their ass and contribute anything to society!

    • Oooh, that’s a good one. They could probably only get a used kids wagon they stole off one of their children though….

    • You can see along the edges of this float an array of Chumps running around, sweeping debris off, picking up trash, bringing hot dinners to the sad, unemployed sausages who are laying across the couches atop this float. If you listen closely Pearl, you can hear them blubbering, “It’s so emasculating!!!” whenever their Chump brings them another meal or pays another bill. And bringing up the rear of this float is a tiny trailer, the Just Got a Job float, which is shiny and sparkly and filled with young, fawning coworker APs and Schmoopies. You can even observe one of the sausages jump from the Jobless and Moocher float onto this tiny treasure, briefly basking in its glorious glow and pinching the ass of a college-age AP dressed in provocative business casual. He raises a shot glass high in the air, a toast to late night business meetings and “new friends”. Oh, but Pearl!!! Looks like that may not last long, as the sausage inevitably loses his balance and falls off the trailer, only to be scooped up by a frantic Chump and dumped back on the Jobless and Moochers float, where he flops dramatically onto an available couch and collapses in sobs of, “It’s not fair!!!”. That poor, sad sausage!

    • “Well now here comes one of my favorite balloons, that classic Schmoopie! Yes! You guessed it, she’s a 38DD, 120lb, naturally blond fitness instructor. Wow. It takes 6 husbands to tie her up, er, I mean hold her down. Look at those men handling her Pearl. Isn’t that a treat?”

      • “Pearl the sponsor Avid Life Media just tweeted. I forgot to mention this fun fact: whatever your age, Schmoopie is 10 years younger than you. Sorry for the error folks but…”

  • I envision a “Get Your Shit OUT Of MY House Already” float featuring smiling chumps standing on a small mountain of cheater stuff that the cheaters refuse to come and get.

    As the float moves slowly down the street, smiling chumps and their children gleefully toss all the good stuff out to the crowd. The float is followed by a gaggle of OWs and OMs who keep calling pitifully for their APs stuff cause it’s precious don’t cha know. The chumps laugh and toss them the left behind garbage.

    I can hear the commentators now………Whoops, Keith, is that an OW and an OM getting into a fistfight over a ratty, ripped up, stained tee shirt? Why yes it is, Pearl. Ill take it from here, Pearl, after all, we don’t want you to get too tired out from carrying all that unsightly extra weight. There seems to be some conflict over which cheater the shirt actually belongs to. They both claim to recognize those stains. Well, my goodness. The OW seems to have tasered the OM, annnddd…he’s down for the count. The OW is marching triumphantly away waving the shirt at the cheering crowd. Wait a minute. Here comes the OM’s cheater, busting through the crowd looking like a thundercloud. OMG, the cheater skank has tackled the OW skank and is now simultaneously trying to wrench the shirt away and snatch her bald. The OWs cheater is standing by applauding the catfight, because it’s all about Him! Shut up Pearl, I’m the one who should be talking, not you!

    Meanwhile, the float continues on, laughing chumps not even noticing the brouhaha in their wake.

    Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, this certainly has been an exciting parade so far. Stay tuned for more fun and amazing entries to come!…off mike…. Now Pearl, you know I’m the one they really want to hear. Nobody’s interested in what you have to say. As the fade out begins there is a picture of Pearl pushing Keith off the elevated platform.

  • A float drifts by with what seems like nothing but trees….. only in your peripheral vision are you able to catch a quick glance of the Timid Forest creatures, darting and peeking out from behind them. There is no music on this float…they startle easily.

    • This Timid Forest float brought to you by the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, little coupons for marriage counseling are falling off the trees, stay away from those coupons people…

  • Reconciliation Rainbow Float.

    Where Dorothy shakes off the Fuckwit-5 tornado that landed her in the middle of Oz, to rescue poor Lion, TinMan & Scarecrow (who in reality are all one cowardly, heartless & brainless schmuck) by dragging their asses to see the Wizard (therapist)….Because because because becausssse!….only to discover Wiz is a quack & she must do all the work herself.  Til she finds her walking shoes & leaves the crazy behind. Only the dog is worth taking with. 

  • At this point, I got nuthin. But I have to say that it’s rare for me to laugh this hard at something I read online. Hats off, BetrayedNoMore, that is some funny shit right there.

  • . . . “Next is my favorite, Keith, The Other Woman float!! This float is co-sponsored by Summer’s Eve Douche and Scope Mouthwash. “Summer’s Eve . . . For that fresh feeling you crave after cleaning out the crotch-rot from all the married dick.” And “Scope . . . Your dick holster will thank you after all the blow jobs in the minivan!” The intricacy of this float is amazing, Keith! Just look at the car seat with the thong stuffed under it – made entirely of condoms!! And the Petri dishes for the STD cultures – so creative! Oh, and the giant computer screen with the words “Meet me in the parking garage after work, Stud” – that’s a nod to all of the hard working Ho-Workers out there. Oh, Look! The entire float is surrounded by knee pads – such a great idea for those OW who are relegated to just giving blow jobs so their lover can delude himself into think he’s not cheating if there is no penetration. But we know better don’t we, Keith? Hmm?” “The jury is still out on that one, Pearl, you filthy pig. We’d like to get the rules changed to exclude a simple hummer from the cheating list. It’s only fair.” “I’m all for that, Keith! As the Other Woman float passes we should take a moment to show our respect for those soulless, morally bankrupt skanks out there who think it’s fine to fuck other women’s husbands. After all, THEY didn’t make any vows to the wives. Other Women, we salute you!!”

  • The message that my comment is awaiting moderation appeared. Perhaps I’ve overstepped propriety! Yikes.
    Further apologies.

  • I bet those floats never counted on getting flat tires at the end of the parade. Something “fix-a-flat” just won’t repair…Ooops…

  • Lookie here folks!!! It’s the Lovebombing Brigade riding their flying Pegasus Unicorns!!!! Perfectly polished, cologne bathed, genital trimmed, disco shiny cheaters!!! Look at those grinning smirk faced cheaters!!! It definitely looks like a party in the brigade folks! My goodness, hand me my sunglasses and hold me back! So sparkly and charming I feel like I’m getting sucked in the brigade’s vacuum of bombing bullshit!!! Watch out, the brigade is releasing the erect manscaped polished penises just pulsating!!!!! Shooting balloons, ribbons, butterflies, flowers, hearts and lurve into the atmosphere like rockets!! Oops, the brigade let those terrifically cooing labia’s cloaking the vagina of secrecy out!!! I’ve seen many cheater’s mistakenly trip into those vaginas folks!!

  • I posted this upthread but have revised my thinking a bit, but no doubt we will need a Fraternal Order of Marriage Police float leading the parade, riding on the back of the turnip truck so many of us fell off of before we joined the force.

  • Look Pearl, is that the Jesus Cheater float coming up? Why those guys have outdone themselves! Donkeys with carrot horns hauling them! And is that Moses out front holding a stone tablet with “Thou Shalt Not Interfere With Twu Love” ? By God it sure likes like it!! And wow, every one of the Jesus cheaters is manacled to an AP holding up their own artful scriptures. The first one says “God Chose Her for ME”, and then the ever popular “God Wants Us to be Happy”. But how did they get that cloud to hover over the float? Do you hear thunder Pearl, sure hope it’s not going to rain on the Fuckwit Parade! OMG, what a finish! A lightning strike just took out the entire float. Well I’ll be, thank the Lord, the donkeys only lost their carrots!

  • Does this one really need a label? However, we know that you can’t really tie one of these down if they belong to a cheater:

    penis float

  • The courtroom float, where a judge presides over a cheater doing his best to get out of paying child support.

  • I spotted it! I spotted it!

    The , “I just need to be happy” float!

    It seems to be full of peeps with te sadz, but they are all wearing clown costumes. The huge smiles are painted on. Big huge smiles and – as clowns do, all fall down is funny. The juveniles in the crowd laugh and holler praise. But the performers go home to te sadz.

    Has anyone seen the, “I just went driving (for four hours) to CLEAR MY MIND float?

        • With the “You never loved me” float.., and the “I’m seriously concerned about your mental health” float. The latter will be found behind the marching the sweater vested therapists,

    • Has anyone seen the, “I just went driving (for four hours) to CLEAR MY MIND float?

      Oh, FT, ^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^!!!!

      In my case The Evil One would need 12+ hours to “CLEAR HIS MIND” that float would never stop parading in that case!!!

      • Head’s up everyone!!! Here comes the YOU DROVE ME TO DRINK float.

        Manned by (among others) lifelong alcoholics, sloppy drunks and bar whores. Make sure to take note of the guy taking a piss on the floor; that’s such a beloved memory for all to see!!!!

  • The Liar Float features Pinoccio with his pants ablaze, hanging from a telephone wire. Can you make out the slogans? “The truth is relative”…”Its not a lie if I believe it”…each slogan comes out of a rusty faucet…trickling…trickling.. .

      • Pinochio says, “I would NEVER be so insensitive as to suggest your birthday as a date to visit the divorce lawyer! I wouldn’t be that insensitive.”

        (Date and suggestion via sms)

        Did Pinochio cover gaslighting?

        • Try going to see the divorce lawyer on your wedding anniversary as EXH#1 did!!! Then, he came home with an anniversary card and three red roses. He signed the card, “I will always love you”

  • Well, folks. It’s now time to announce the King and Queen of this year’s Fuckwit Parade. But since we “forgot” the rules and put a “sex addict” in charge of tallying, we’ll try something new this year.

    Chumps, you nominate your best fuckwit King and Queen Couple and we’ll have a Pick Me Polkathan in the town square, or the most embarrassing public place for such shenanigans- like the Church where you teach religion classes to yours and your neighbors kids.

    My vote: Michelle Duggar & Neil Biederman.

    • Oh yes, every parade MUST have a King and Queen!!!!

      I would nominate Ben Affleck and Beyonce.

  • …Here comes the “Pick-Me-Polka Band!”
    You can tell its them by their confused, panicked faces! What tune are they playing??? No one knows, because the “Cheater Band Conductor” keeps changing his tune! Watch them catering down the street as they try to stay in step and in tune with the chaos!

    • Gah!

      I lent an ear to that band once. Nowadays I prefer the Meh band. They are shockingly versatile

    • Don, Michelle and Neil can easily handle the Pick Me Polka Band. They’re both such experts in their chosen profession. They’ll outlast anyone, since Hillary is too busy to compete this year.

  • Here comes the I’M SPECIAL float with MR SERIAL CHEATER surrounded by all these beauties taking a shot for the title competing in the mud wrestling arena. Look we have MS. BACK SEAT BJ going at it with MS I WANT WHATS YOURS flinging …wait…that’s not mud it’s SHIT they are rolling in.

  • Good point Tempest! I have to say, this has been one of the funniest posts ever! Proves to me that we chumps are quick witted and wicked smart! Something else our cheaters lose once we leave!!

  • Here’s my float, the “Post It All On The Internet So Everyone Thinks It’s Twu Wuv” Float.

    On it will be joyful photos of the cheaters taken from social media and internet postings, staring lovingly into each others’ eyes, holding hands, vacationing in splendid places, wandering aimlessly through fields of flowers, laughing heartily together, and posing with other people’s children because their own won’t speak to them.

    Around the float are posted signs proclaiming the messages that they want to relay: “We MEANT to do this,” “We are the LOVES OF EACH OTHERS’ LIVES,” “We have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER,” “We have NO REASON to be ashamed,” “You CAN’T HELP who you love,” and of course my all-time favorite: “OUR EXES ARE JUST CRAZY”.

    You’re welcome.

  • Has anyone else noticed the dissproportionate amount of triangle players (percussionists) in the “Pick-Me-Polka Band”?

  • @BetrayedNoMore, your Fuckwit Parade depiction is just brilliant! If I had any talent or skill, I’d make it into a cartoon short film, and win an Oscar for it! 😀

    First thing that came to me was a Cake Float, of course. Top of the cake pops open and out come a cascade of OW Dancing Girls! … followed by a stressed-looking woman dressed in yoga pants and hoodie, hair in a messy ponytail, two small children in tow. The OW Dancing Girls can-can around the cake in sparkly bikinis and feather boas, while the yoga-panted wife character wipes the children’s noses, pays the bills, prepares dinner …

  • Oh my goodness, Here comes the “Gotta Be Me’ float. The base float is decorated with bank statements from hidden bank accounts where all the joint assets were funneled. And LOOK it’s a nude cheater on a Harley Davidson. Notice the cheater balls are shaved for his debut. Wow, what a sight. Behind him is all of his married friends who cheat on their wives cheering him on! Music for this float is ‘Born to Lose’. Also note the little tear in the cheater’s eyes from have to pay spousal support.

    • omg, shaved balls. My ex used to shave his every time he had a new tramp. Then supposedly all he had were EAs. Yeah right, and the shaving was just to help you get into character?

  • The I CANT GET ANYWHERE WITH YOU band featuring the MASTERBAITER BASEMENT BOYS in their wifebeater tees drinking shots of lemonaid.

  • Did I miss the Hopium Crack Pipe Bong sponsored by the State of Colorado? A huge oversized bong with mulitple safe sanitized mouthpieces so all chumps along the route can participate AHHH, feel the high of taking a hit.
    Just be careful of the vagina pot holes along the route. I hear people trip and fall into them all the time.

  • How about a ‘We Can Build a Better Marriage’ float. A steaming heap of fresh horse manure, with a lovely sparkly castle wobbling about on top of it.

  • We can’t forget the convertible slowly driving “the mother in laws “and other flying monkey in laws. As they wave, they shout out to the crowd, my son/daughter is grand marshal of this parade because they are perfect and that chump float need to get over it and stop being so bitter lol

    • Yes, LRRH! My MIL would be queen of that float, screaming at chumps that they are bad people for telling other people her sons private business. She would even call out to chump friends to stop getting involved. Then she would go back to the home she lives in with the chump while her precious son shacks up with slut puppet, sexts his harem, and refuses to rehome his mom. His non-paying, exposure gig of being lead triangle in the band up ahead is just too taxing after all those dick pics to leave anytime for anything other than his cock.

  • My float is a big car with a smoking engine. It’s called “We Lost Our Spark Years Ago But I Neglected to Inform You” and features wife in the front seat of the car pedaling Flintstone-style by herself, while husband alternates between secretly dragging his feet from the back and joining wife in the front seat occasionally to hold her face in his hands, gaze deeply into her eyes and tell her “sincerely” how lucky he is to have found/married her and how much he loves her.

    • I’m actually riding around in this float RIGHT NOW! How did you know?! We lost the spark years ago BUT he also just told me ILYBINILWY and then he wanted sex and then told me if he went out and around the world finding skanks all over he would still choose me every time because he knows I have everything he wants. Except cake made of strange see you next Tuesday. Sorry. The cake here is the same cake as it has been for a decade.

  • Folks, after the parade don’t forget to visit the food booths, where they are serving up hasenpfeffer made by our own bunny-boilers from bitter bunnies, to go with those shit sandwiches and cake!

      • I see a cheater having a tantrum in front of the booth. He wants a Bitch Cookie for free withOUT paying for the first one! HE SENT HIS KID A BIRTHDAY CARD, Jesus!! And he is PLANNING to pay child support!!!!

  • Ah, folks, here comes

    THE MOVING THE GOALPOSTS AGAIN FLOAT.

    It is the winner of Best Sports Themed Float prize. Give it a big hand as it passes by.

  • And here comes the American Bar Association float. A 50′ sailboat with crew serving martinis to the hard working counsel, paralegals accountants, and clerks on your case. The flag on the mast says simply… Sign here.
    As it goes past, chumps subconsciously check for their wallets.

  • I’m sorry to report that the Latex and Saran Wrap float was deemed inappropriate for this family friendly event and was not allowed to participate.

  • And then there’s the very special “double betrayal” float….. featuring families and friends all getting along together at a BBQ and then suddenly the cheating spouses start smooching with their spouses sister/brother or best friend. Or a nice family group with spouse holding hands with chump while playing footsie with best friend. Ouch!

    • Yes, the Family Fucker float! With a professional photographer to capture the Family Union,um, Re-union.

      • To the tune of “Deliverance”, played by the Uncle Dad Auntie and Stepmom Duallist Banjo Symphony

  • And the, “let’s go to therapy so you can understand” float.

    That one features an assortment of mimes with white painted faces, pretending to care but pulling faces when your back is turned.

    That float is painted with various optical illusions…

  • this fuckwit parade brought to you courtesy of BackPages, Adult Friend Finder and Asley Madison. Don’t forget folks “life is short. Have an affair”.

  • Now this is something special…

    The students from the local theater production program have done a fabulous theme float this year of “You got old”.

    Riding atop this float are our chumps that the student have applied subtle aging make-up and techniques, so realistic. Note the handful of gray hairs on the hair of the gentlemen. And the post-baby pooch on those ladies, so subtle and real. They really did a great job of showing how the ravages of time make these chumps so ugly and distasteful. The float consists of a happy well run home, kept that way by our chumps who clean, pay bills, and… is that a plumber I see that someone called because the toddler flushed her lovie down the toilet. Clearly, however, these chumps are old and boring.

  • Then there is the spandex float!

    It is populated with 50 plus year olds holding skate/surf boards, wearing spandex tops with chest zips ( hovering at navel level).

    Muscle meal, gym instructors and all things innapropriate decorate the edges.

    I haven’t seen the other side of the float… perhsps the other gender can elaborate on what spandex dresses look like?

    • FT I know the look and my Cheater has the full ensemble. Spandex with the fluorescent trim or fluorescent, bright apple green, orange, pink. Matching gloves, hat, socks, sweatband, shoes (special shoes) water bottle, all the matching accessories and more. Suddenly Cheater has joined the other over 50 middle aged men and taken up biking, bike racing, and entering Triathlons which AP happened to be involved in.
      When you’re serious one expensive bike isn’t enough you have to have at least four.

      Joined all the local gyms. After thirty years of being a homebody he’s ready to bloom and be a social butterfly. Muscle meals, Creatine, bottles of supplements.
      Stretching at every opportunity. Expert on health and fitness.
      Please be sure to include vomit bags for spectators of this float. It’s been known to cause nausea and vomiting.

      • Oh the fucking biking!!!!! Those sad little middle aged chicken legs in expensive spandex cycling shorts!!! I really could have used a Barf bag.
        Now I always feel like putting my foot on the accelerator when i see a middle aged man in high end biking gear- sorry, to any of the legit riders.

        • Yes!! have you noticed the middle aged cyclists look like clones of each other?
          It’s a look as if they’re trying too hard, from the way they pose with their fellow cyclists or next to their bike they all look alike. Their hair-cuts are meticulous, every hair even. My X began spending hours in the magnifying mirror with a pair of scissors daily making sure each hair was perfect. (this was when I should have known what he was up to).
          Everything they wear and all accessories perfectly match and all top of the line because.., Yes, they can afford the most expensive $$ matching accessories ladies…,
          $$ “young” ladies, that is…,

          They’re so obvious, I’m going to need a barf bag at the thought of them.

          • I’m tempted to step on the gas as well when I see middle aged cyclists, or at least run them off the road. I don’t know if I could restrain myself if I was driving and spotted my X on his bike.

  • And don’t forget to stop by the lost and found booth at the Fuckwit Pride Parade-that’s where you can find all the wayward genitals looking to find themselves

  • Folks, we have a late entry, the MAGIC PUSSY float! It’s in the shape of a giant cat, of the hairless Sphynx variety, of course. Rainbow lights shoot from it’s orifices and as it opens and shuts it’s mouth, you can get a glimpse of the merry-go-round of plugged-up toilets that represent all those Johns who are so full of it. The tail is also movable. Every time the tail goes up, Satan’s head pops out of the hole, meowing loudly.

    (That last part was for you, Jeep!)

  • At the end of the Fuckwit parade is the chump brigade cleaning up all the shit the cheaters left behind.

    • +21 [applauds]. Two things my counsellor said very early on (and I didn’t understand): Chump, have you noticed that his cheating was the finally unacceptably hurtful PART OF A PATTERN?

      AND: he makes the mess, you clean it up.

      Yup! At the end of the floats is the Chump Brigade, cleaning up all the shit left behind.

  • This one is easy for me: The “I Know Something You Don’t Know” Float, a balloon of a giant, inflated smirking head.

  • Ho-LEE carp! I take ONE day to concentrate on my day job and look at what y’all did to the place! Glitter, condoms, cake, and more glitter all OVER! Chump Lady deserves all the kudos though; it took her three little words, “Fuckwit Pride Parade” and the parade just wrote itself.

    Y’all are absolutely amazing!

  • I think Tracy’s next book is shaping up here! A picture book of the Fuckwit Pride Parade summing up the chump experience.

  • A little late to the game, but I’d like to add the “Children Are Resilient!” float. The float is filled with cheaters and their APs having some quality time together; they’re enjoying martinis, expensive truffles, and sparkling conversation. The float itself is not driven, though. No, it’s pushed along by the children who are SO HAPPY to have these fuckwits as part of their families.

    Of COURSE they’re happy! Note how they are pushing the float, keeping a stiff upper lip, and don’t seem the least bit upset that they’re being ignored by the cheater parent who can only focus on the AP.

    Really, the children want this. They are SO happy to spend an afternoon pushing a heavy float for a bunch of narcs who get to kick back and avoid any parenting whatsoever! But, don’t worry– those children won’t have sore backs or sad feelings about being ignored. Children are resilient!

  • Look, folks coming down the street is the Lowered Expectations Limbo! Two cheaters are marching down the street carrying a giant limbo stick! Watch as they progressively lower the stick while chumps skate bent over backwards under the limbo stick without falling! How low can you go????!!!!

  • Rolling around the corner is “It Just Happened” Float with flying dicks ready to fall into ones vagina. Cross your legs ladies or it could “just happen” to you, too!!!

  • Oh, good the academy of board certified surgeons have sponsored a float! Cheaters can get their cell phone surgically attached, all paid for by their spouses insurance. That $1000 co-pay must either be paid by spouse, or their credit is ruined. Alternatively, the care credit bill which includes, at a minimum, either a hair transplant or boob job, is surely marital debt, right?

    • The bio mechanics will also drain the battery or block the signal as required by the cheater. That is an extra, add on feature.

  • No parade is complete without an entry from the Disney Company so here comes that beloved classic Disney Dad. Look at him, well rested and toned straight from his swanky two bedroom townhouse sharing ice cream with the kids and Schmoopie. While in the corner, Super Chump twirls the fiery batons of character, values and religion while jumping through the hoops of healthcare appointments, missed the bus rides, school projects, teen driving, home cooked family dinners, laundry, haircuts and home repairs. All with the full time job where she’s trying to catch up from the 10 years she stayed at home strapped to her back.

  • I can imagine the complete lack of empathy and remorse float…. Whereby the cheaters proudly wear t-shirts emblazoned with slogans of their crimes (I f**ked her best friend. And I’m not even sorry! I gave my wife the clap. Such an unfortunate by product of my quick shag with a hooker!) and generally toast their achievements with ice cold beer and fried chicken. Although they don’t have such fun when their chumps and kids start pelting them with the likes of old nappies, eggs, flour and suchlike!

  • Hey, Lard-Ass, what’s coming down the street now?

    Well, Dr. Ahhh-Blows, it’s the “You’re Crazy!” float!! It is a rubber room, filled with chumps bouncing off of its authentic padded walls! They were diagnosed as crazy by their cheaters when they confronted them about their affairs!

    • Good one! And add to that the “You’re insecure” and “You’re so sensitive” rooms.

      • What? (chuckle) who me?? What…? (confused stupid look on face) you know I’m not that kind of guy..,
        Wow, you have quite the imagination, have you considered writing novels?

  • UNICORNS! There must be a troop of cheaters mounted on horses (or asses) with fake horns attached to their heads. Our parade could not possibly be complete without the herd of prancing faux unicorns!

  • I haven’t had a chance to read through everything, so forgive me if I’m repeating. But damnit, we need a CHUMP FLOAT! It’s not especially popular among the spectators, who mostly think that the chump float did something wrong to be in the parade. The float is shaped like a giant spine, and boy is it a stiff one! It’s pulled by a legion of lawyers, and the Avoidance float in front of them keeps speeding up to keep their distance. Look at those chumps eating delicious cake that they stole from the Sad Sausage float! It looks like the Liars and Tramps float is using slingshots to hurl bullshit at the Chump Float. Here comes the industrial Universal Bullshit Translator-tron, and it is just DEMOLISHING those wads of bullshit before they can do any damage. Coming up behind the Chump Float in a vintage turquoise 1958 Corvette is the parade’s official anti-queen, Chump Lady and her Meh Court!. It looks like she’s wearing a cape made of imaginary bitter bunny pelts, and her septer is a 2×4. Boy, it looks like there are some dents in that 2×4. I guess it’s had a lot of use! Members of the Meh Court are throwing candies, but what could they be? Here’s one! The label says they’re artisinal small-batch candies made with free range cheater tears made by hand in the Sadz factory across the river in Meh Town. (Cough cough, gag, sputter) I’m…I’m…choking on…my own….tears! [Cut to newsroom] Well, looks like that about covers the 2016 Fuckwit Pride Parade, folks! Tune in next time.

  • I have a late entry. The Lawyers. They have heads like Sharks, Pitbulls and Vipers, and walk like John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks. They’re late because…well….they’re lawyers!

  • I want to see “my” Narc and the OW with signs containing his line,”We are good, fine, wonderful people who are doing the best we can. You won’t be healthy until you can accept that.” Followed by:
    – a broken heart (mine), photos of the Herpes he gave me, photos of me on the floor, weeping, bereft
    – a gazillion empty wine bottles (his),
    – the cats who miss me (he kept)
    – the money he owes me (I gave up, but perhaps the money can be shown to be reaching for me- it’s mine)
    – streaming videos of our excellent sex life (I heard on the grapevine he misses sex with me.)
    – a photo of him coming at me with a knife
    – a photo of his “Letter to God” all about how he deserves money, her, success yada yada
    – streaming videos of him rushing into our bedroom, jolting me awake, as he screams etc.
    – his smarmy gleeful narcissistic and unempathic SMIRK as he confesses his shiny new love.
    – might be amusing to also see the OW’s new profiles on TInder, photos of her with new guys, etc.
    I would definitely buy tickets to go to this parade.
    xox, Still getting over this shit

  • And just when you thought it was over, here comes the CRAZY TRAIN dragging every damn float we’ve seen today. And, look at that! Some of the spectators are running like hell in the opposite direction, Pearl? Where are you Pearl?

  • Shit sandwich float. You can have ALL the shit sandwiches you can stomach!!!! Here ya go!!!!

  • And a late entry, sponsored by the Ponzi School of Economics, is the “Fuck your College Fund, I need a Vacation” Float, decorated with Student Loan Statements and Final Demands for Tuition fees.

  • This is a friendly ONE THE COUCH POTATO FLOAT courtesy of “Lazy Boy”. To save the planet the float is made of recycle expensive wine bottles, receipts of expensives dinners & clothings. On top of the float you can see our latest leather recliner chair and you can observe as well the man of the year with a pig head. Look @ the details… on his hand you can see his phone with the following APPS: Instagram, SnapChat, Tinder. Do not dare to bother this working heroe with house chores!! Do not even speak to him the only things that work at home is his index finger & thumb for texting. Look Esther ! around the float in neon colors you can see the following frases so you do not have to speak with him: “I am tired”, “Because you made me take out the trash I hurt my back”, ” I can not take out the trash in the mornings my suits will get ruin”, ” I do not have money for laundry.. Can you please iron my shirts?”, Please quiet! I am watching my favorite movie for the 10 times this week … “, ” I can not take the kid out it is too hot” , “When I am traveling do not call me unless is an emergency”. And many more…. Please while the float goes around do not make noise or eye contact since you might get the dead fish stare look!!

  • Well, what do you know folks? We have three floats sponsored by The Mindfuck Channel!

    The first float is “If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It!” There is a giant head, bobbing to Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” with eyes that seem to have a laser-like focus. When they are looking at you, it is almost like nothing or no one else exists. And that mega-watt smile is dazzling with its gleaming brilliance! I must put on a pair of shades!

    The second float in the series is “Cry Me A River.” There is an enormous clown head with a waterfall of tears coming out of its eyes as Linda Ronstadt’s “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” plays in the background.

    The third float is entitled, “From 0 To 180 in 3 Seconds: Thar She Blows!” On the float platform in a volcano that goes from sitting calmly to erupting violently every 3 seconds, spewing hot molten lava and volcanic ash on everything in its wake. No music can be heard over the eruptions.

    I think I see the “Fiery Twat Twirlers OW Majorette Troupe” marching down the street with their fire batons! Those girls think they can play with fire and not get burned!

    Here comes the Sad Sausage Mobile, sponsored by Oscar Mayer. A car in the shape of a sausage sandwich being driven down the street! Looks delicious!

  • How about the “Everything’s Fine/What Are You Talking About?!” float? It’s a bunch of clearly infected people holding their hands up along the sides of their eyes like blinders and smiling way too intensely at the crowd.

    (This from the times my ex- got infected with scabies and then, later, gonorrhea, and each time refused to go to the doctor to get things checked out. I had to go to the doctor and figure out what I had since I was also suffering symptoms, then tell him what he had given me and tell him what medication he needed.)

  • I would like to enter a sad sausage float- it is of course a giant wiener, its been painstakingly built by a bunch of balding middle aged men, dressed as teenagers who are in the “Fog ” of a midlife crisis- that’s why it looks like shit, no one can see, or agree. It goes in all 4 directions, because none of them can make up their minds and is silent as a ninja, because none of them can use their words. It is powered by $1000 dollar push bikes and fancy cars no one can afford and its being ridden by random 22 year old ho-workers and no one seems to know how that happened.

    Could we have a mighty – reformed, wised up chump parade next- those floats are going to be BADASS

  • BTW, I am still laughing about this line: “Awarded the president’s trophy, “Gaslight” is a re-creation of the 1944 instructional documentary of the same name.”

    I want there to be a Blame Shiftin’ 2016 Porsche GT4 sports car (brought to you by Porsche, shift your gears, shift your blame!) . It aimlessly swerves through the parade, hitting onlookers, stops and the entitled driver blames the victims for getting in the way.

  • Wait! Here comes a late entry…. It’s the “Lounge Lizard” float brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, Mad Dog 20/20 and Viagra.

    Wow!!! It looks like a bar filled with cheaters looking for cheap thrills. Oh, there’s a live band, too – “Tricky Dicky And The Blameshifters.” Those balding, middle-aged, wannabe rockstars are working up a sweat already! They are playing Bryan Adam’s “Run To You”… Ahhh, that’s an oldie but goodie classic cheater song. Looks like they have a following of mid-life crisis groupies, too. Yes, indeed! That one is on the verge of a wardrobe malfunction… Better cover the kids’ eyes until this float goes by!!

    If you listen closely folks, you can hear classic pickup lines… “Your ass is so nice, it’s a shame you have to sit on it.” … “Well, here I am. What are your other 2 wishes?” … “Something’s wrong with my eyes, because I can’t take them off of you.”

    And what’s that smell???!!! Cheap perfume and gas station cologne!!! It’s overpowering… Those cheaters are gonna have to shower before they go home!!

    It’s an action-packed party float, for sure! There’s lots of gyrating going on down on the dance floor. Looks like a flurry of phone numbers being exchanged, as well. Whoops, that guy fell off his barstool! Lots of drinking going on!!! Won’t be long ’til those cheaters will be falling into each other’s beds!!!

  • This parade never ends, does it? Just when you thought it was over, here comes our last band of characters from the Soul Mate Schmoopies video series, brought to you by Moonlocks! Each pair represents an episode, repeating such catch-phrases as Our Love is Real, Your Dick is Perfect, Your Wife Scares Me, and many more!

    (Seriously, is anyone hasn’t seen these, look them up!)

  • Folks, with all the excitement and confusion of the parade, one float was overlooked.

    It is the AARP float; not to be confused with the American Association of Retired Persons, AARP in this case
    stands for

    AGEING ASSHOLE REMORSELESS PLAYBOYS

  • Happy Mother’s Day! We need a “FITNESS CLUB” float. Lots of wanna be beautiful people, because nothing is more attractive than those chasing the eternal youth, and for cheaters who spent more time “working out [ie fucking doubles partners]” than at home with the family who adored them. Apparently life is so much more exciting when you have metal gym lockers, racquetball courts, showers with fungi, and skanks willing to fuck “married for twenty years” POS spouses. Ex was just one of five marriages that went down the tubes, all married men walking out on their children and wives. Throw in a massage!

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