Earlier this week I coined the term “Fuckwit Pride Parade” in a UBT post.
In the comments, BetrayedNoMore offered this hilarious imagining of a Fuckwit Pride Parade:
Hi-dee HO there folks! It’s time once again for the annual Fuckwit Pride parade! My name is Pearl Ester and I’m super-excited to be your color commentator today! With me is Faux News psycho Dr. Keith Ablow (tee-hee!) providing color analysis!
Hi Pearl! Say, have you gained weight?
Keith! Ha-haa! You scamp! Any-hoo, folks our first Fuckwit Pride parade float is titled, “Fantasy are 4-Evah!” and is sponsored by facebook! “Facebook… Why settle for the real-life monotony surrounding you when you could be basking in the glory of your own fake universe?” This float was decorated using discarded hotel, dinner, flowers, and assorted gift receipts. Fun fact… I’m told that when added up, the receipts total more than the GDP of Greece, Costa Rica, Aruba, Disneyworld, and Thailand – COMBINED!
BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! – BBPT-tis!! …
Oh Keith! I know you know I know what that beat means! That’s the much anticipated “Spring, Summer, Fall, & Winter Fling” float!
Pearl, you fatso, that’s right! This year’s float is sponsored by Grindr! “Grindr… Don’t just swipe right! Swipe any direction you want! And often!” To prepare for this year’s float, cheaters were asked to narrow down the list of sexual positions they enjoy with all their fuckbuddies. The Fling float depicts 69 of these in all their innocent and harmless fun.
Isn’t that awesome Keith?! Our next Fuckwit float is themed, “Twu-Luv.” “Twu-Luv” is sponsored by the Photo Vault app. “Photo-Vault… For those dic-pics you don’t want your spouse to treasure!” This year’s float uses 40 million cotton balls to create a fog. We can’t see what’s depicted inside the fog, but I’m sure it’s spectacular!
And being towed behind the “Twu-Luv” float is the “Adult Responsibility” trailer. Okay, moving on… Ooo! Keith! Do my eyes deceive me, or is that my favorite float, “Monoga-mish??!!”
Why yes it is Pearl you whale! “Monoga-mish” is sponsored by Any Lab Test NOW! “Got that itching and burning feeling something’s not quite right? Go to Any Lab Test NOW location and receive half-off your second, third, and fourth STD screens.” This year’s “Monoga-mish” float depicts the sheer joy and euphoria fuckwits experience in their affairs.
And tailgaiting closely behind is “Gaslight” brought to us by Image Management Consultants. “When the truth makes you look like a douchebag… Use Image Management; it’s just easier.” Awarded the president’s trophy, “Gaslight” is a re-creation of the 1944 instructional documentary of the same name. Keith, I’d try to describe what I’m seeing, but I’m afraid I’d be wrong.
And you’d be right Pearl, you thunder-theighed cow! Well folks, we need to take a break and get our heads straight. This IS the Fuckwit Pride Parade!
So today’s Friday challenge is to add your floats to the Fuckwit Pride Parade.
Like the “You’re Not the Boss of Me!” float. It’s an enormous balloon, full of its own hot air, that’s sailing upwards away from the parade because no one can tether it.
Or the Tumbling Twinkies! It’s a pyramid of Other Women. One falls from the top and is immediately replaced by another.
And don’t miss the Marching Band of Excuses! Working in the key of Me, their fight song is “You Drove Me to It.”
P.S. This image is Bob Seger, who is wonderful in every way and as far as I know not a cheater, but I took this picture at the Detroit Thanksgiving Day parade. And if you imagine that it is NOT Bob Seger, and some big bobble-headed douchebag instead, I think it works. Do not devolve into a discussion of Bob Seger, please. Especially you Bruce Springsteen people. You’re WRONG. Just concede Bob’s greatness. Thank you.