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Tell Me Something Good

puppies_c_1982835In a similar vein to Tell Me How You’re Mighty posts, today I need some uplift. ANYTHING. A close encounter of the puppy kind, a generous neighbor story, the best cupcake you ever ate. Give me something POSITIVE and non-political that happened to you recently. Did your 5-year-old say something cute? Did someone pay you a compliment? Did you pay someone a compliment? Has a stranger committed a random act of kindness that made you go a bit weak-kneed and teary?

Can’t think of anything? Then leave some random encouragement to a chump who might be lurking on this site today and needs to hear that they’re going to be okay. That you care.

Want to do something nice for someone? I recently stumbled over this terrific site — More Love Letters. People submit stories of people they know who are suffering from depression and strangers write letters (the old fashioned kind!) of love and encouragement to them. The addresses are published in the link there. I’m going to get out some of my lovely stationary and write a couple letters to the cause this weekend. You don’t have any lovely stationary? Go find some! Heck, buy a fountain pen if you really want to get fancy.

So that’s your Friday challenge, Chump Nation — be bluebirds of happiness. Be the nice person who gives another person hope. TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I’ll tell you something good. This week I solved a technical problem (I’m an engineer) that will save my clients up to 36 million gallons of diesel fuel per year. It has nothing to do with riding bicycles or riding buses, etc. It was a pure technical problem that required a complex analysis. While there is much jawboning about saving the earth, real problem solvers are actually making infrastructure more efficient under the motivation of good old capitalism. I’ve worked in communist countries (China) where you don’t get a chance to succeed unless you’re politically connected. I’ll now go back to producing real solutions for the world instead of complaining about how “the white man” is holding me down. That is all.

      • Yaaaayyyy You, Sisyphus!
        It’s the so called ‘little guys’ like you that actually make the world go ’round!
        Cheers to you as you ForgeOn!

        • Myself and my deplorable workmates will continue doing the things that have a real, measurable effect on the standard of living for everyone. Ironically we could have solved this problem long ago if we weren’t pre-occupied rolling out a major unnecessary technological system that was mandated by insane regulations.

      • Just finished rereading Atlas Shrugged, Sisyphus-you give me hope : )

        On my end, fixed a plumbing problem in my house by myself. Small thing, but so very important. Also, Meh is unbelievable ; )

        Hugs to all of us!

        • I fixed a tap the other day. I had to get instructions off about 4 people and find the mains. I felt awesome!!!

    • My son broke his hand Monday and cut his good hand today. Two trips to the ER in one week, looming college application deadlines and a stressful week in my divorce from his stepfather, Dr. Crazy. But he scored a 33 on the ACT and just added his true “dream school” Tulane to his list.

        • Thanks 2do, Nomore and Roaring. My son really connected with his “charming” and “accomplished” stepfather, as we all did, but came to see the abusive, perverted fraud that he really is. So we encourage each other to keep moving forward, sometimes in baby steps and sometimes in great leaps.

      • Me too my cats are the only reason I get out of bed some days. The pain is a tsunami, but my cats have to eat.

  • I bought myself a crockpot ! Future ex-husband never wanted one, I intend to try it in my new apartment within the next couple weeks…a symbol for my fresh start away from the looser.

    • Here is a great/easy/pratical recipe for the CrockPot, It isn’t fancy, though.

      boneless chicken breasts (a pound or more)
      Taco seasoning pack (or your own blend)
      1 cup chicken broth.

      Cook on low 6-8 hours or high 4 hours.

      Shred meat. You can use this for chicken tacos, burritos, enchiladas etc. I always make plenty and freeze the leftover in small serving sizes.

      • Thank you Notsurewhat2do ! I knew I could count on CN no matter what…
        I’ll try this as quickly as I can, hopefully within the next couple weeks.

      • You’ll love your crockpot! I recommend “Fix it and Forget it” cookbook. The recipes are submitted by people. Enjoy! 🙂

          • Slow Cooker Kitchen has a Facebook page. And, you can google crock pot/slow cooker and (for example) chicken tortilla soup (delicious) and find recipes.
            Buy containers for leftovers!

          • Loulotte2 – where the heck did you find a crock pot in France? I live in France, too, and would love to get one.

            • Amazon @ Notadoormat ! I knew I’d find a French fellow chump if I started posting after a few months lurking ?

              • Me too. I live in France AND have a crockpot – yay for us. And the good news, The Inadequate One is back living in the States so the good Lord saw fit to put the Atlantic Ocean between me and him. Life just keeps on getting better.

      • I brought a crock pot full of chili in to work todzy. Getting ready for a chili cookoff to support Children’s Hospital. Love my crock!

        • Quicksilver, I’ll need the chili recipe, it’s a dish my kids enjoy a lot…and future ex-husband not at all : two very good reasons I suppose 😉

    • Love a good crock pot. Put water in the bottom about an inch, put in some pork ribs with salt and pepper. Let it do it’s thing for five/six hours.

      Easy and delicious!!!!

    • Pot Roast in the crock pot…..mmmmmm good.

      8 hours of slow cooking that roast on Sundays while filling your home with that peerless smell reminds you of what authentic home life is all about.

      My kids anticipation of the feast at 5pm reminds us all how grateful we all are to be sitting all together and to reminisce with each other all the while filling our bellies. Life is good.

      BTW….the trick to an unparalleled pot roast is adding pearl onions and impaling the roast with garlic. Half beef stock and half wine. 4 pounder all day long.

    • Crockpot!!! My crockpot has been with me for 32 years!! It’s a big orange Rival brand from the 70’s and it has provided hundreds of delicious, cheap meals and even more leftovers. After my divorce 2 years ago and purchase of my new house, my crockpot was THE FIRST item I brought into the house after I got the keys. It was very symbolic for me. My crockpot reminds me that I can feed and nurture myself through thick and thin. It symbolizes my survival. I wish you the best of luck with your new crockpot! It’s easy and fun and rewarding!
      Maybe we need a Chumpnation Cook Book!

      • This is exactly how I feel, Flowerlady. It’s a symbol of my hard earned freedom and survival.
        And I agree for a CN Cook Book ! Thank you for your kind words.

      • Awesome idea! Seems a lot of cheater freaks find lots to complain about when it comes to meals / food. So, as we go forward with our cheater-free lives, many of us get to relax in that department & fix what WE love, our children love. And delete what we don’t!

        I am decidedly NOT a cook! But, I did sorta find my ‘inner chef’ once I was no longer bowing to all the cheater’s demands / complaints about meals & food. Therefore, I have some simple meal ideas I would love to share!

        • I agree ForgeOn! I’m no great chef either, but there will never be over cooked food in my house ever again…I want to taste what real meat and crunchy vegetables taste like…

        • Oh my god true! My cooking was never good enouh for STBXH. And when I would cook exactely what he wanted and how he wanted it, he would fail to notice or say something nice. Fucker.

    • I highly recommend finding “Dump” recipes online for crock pot meals. Cut and portion everything, dump it all (uncooked) into a freezer bag, freeze, and you’re done! The night before you want to make it, defrost in the fridge, and the next morning you can just pour the contents into your crock pot and go! It’s great for making multiples of the same meal to have on hand, or when you find a great deal on things like chicken breasts and can stock up.

    • Google “chicken stuffing green bean crockpot.”

      Sooo good. Personally I use a frozen 16oz bag of blue lake green beans. Yum yum yum!

  • I just stepped out into the pre-dawn to let my precious little dog outside. It smells like the holidays; the sky was lightening, and I can hear the sweet sound of freight trains, which is one of the most comforting sounds I love. It reminds me of my childhood.

    My son is on the radio, doing his morning drive time program, and through the miracle of modern technology, I can listen from a distant city. He’s a good man.

    And I’m drinking a cup of Hazelnut coffee from my Keurig! I was up all night seething about the election, but the sun is coming up, and it’s going to be a beautiful day.

    • I understand that my son also does a radio show somewhere in Montana. I have asked him when I might catch it online and he wont tell me (attempts thusfar to find it have failed) but I am happy for him!

  • My 10-year old neighbor next door likes to do little things with me. He came over and helped me make invitations to a neighborhood open house. Then we went around and delivered the invitations. He planned games for the children. On the day of, one of the adults stepped in and provided support to the children’s games, and the children ran and laughed and played: glorious. Others carved pumpkins. Some were content to sip tea and eat pie, or tortillas and beans. Some brought samboosa.

    Like you said, Chump Lady, love can and does return to our lives. The kindness and joy of my neighbors brought great happiness to me.

  • I finally accepted that it’s ok to do things for myself and not be bothered by what others think. It’s ok to move upward and onward (and far away!!!) from exH to make a new life for myself and my daughters. He chose to think and do as he wished while we were married. Why not me? Why not now? After all, we are divorced! It’s not selfish to think and do for my family, for me. If not me, who???

    mickeyblueeyes just wrote an astounding and magnificent post in the forum, Fix yourself and not them. Go on and read it. It is exactly what I needed today to finalize this new life I’m making for my family and well, for myself. We are so worth it!

    • TodoVa I just read the first paragraph and though to my self “Yep she gets it, This is it, this is what we all need to do.”

      …then read your second paragraph. Kind words.

      • This is exactly what we need to do! And again, thank you. The extent to which I no longer feel anything for the exH is because of this site and powerful posts such as yours!

    • Very nice TodoVa. I will certainly read what mickeyblueeyes wrote. It’s so hard to take the focus off of him for once and put the focus on me. I feel my whole life has been about focusing on others instead of myself. It’s really hard to change that mindset. Baby steps. We can do it!

      • Martha-

        Focusing on “him” is no different than focusing on a shoe box. All you will get back is nothing but empty.

        Take your love and focus on others that deserved to be focused on – kids, family, friends *and* YOURSELF! This will fulfill you, I promise.

        • Thank you, SureChumpedAlot. I know you are right. I’m looking forward to Meh and I know I’ll get there faster by doing what you said. Thank you. 🙂

            • I’m proud of you, too, SureChumpedAlot and all the other chumps who get out of bed each day, brush our teeth, take a shower, make it thru the day and take positive steps to gaining a cheater-free, wonderful life! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Your a bit later home from work than expected, one son is messaging to see where you are. Another son is phoning to see how long you are going to be, he’s starving. You enter the house and the cats come bounding down the stairs from the bedroom, as they have been there all day and they instinctively know it’s me. “Hi Mum, how was your day?”, a voice from the living room.
    Positive note – my life is full, I have so much love around me, even the cats think I’m awesome! For anyone still “in it”, get rid of the fuck wit from your life! Those “where are you Mum?” messages and texts will not longer feel like pressure, they will make you feel alive, loved and a worth while person!! Something that an abusing, cheater never ever wants you to feel! Xx

    • I felt that at 5 am this morning. Cat, little dog and 15 year old daughter who couldn’t sleep because of last week’s time change all in my bed snuggling until the alarm.

    • Bestsy66,

      This is perfect. I used to feel the pressure of being late and “What do you want to do for dinner?” as he sat on his cheesy puff recliner. Not any more. I love coming home to my dogs. They’re happier then they’ve ever been. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long while. You said it, “Get rid of the fuck wit.” It does get better.

      • Absolutely that counts WiseOldOwl! Maybe your new glasses will give you a better focus on life and you will see your cheater for who they really are…a big shit!

      • Everything you do counts WiseOldOwl! It’s not easy in the beginning but the pain really is finite and all of chump nation will be here to cheer you on or prop you up when you need it.

        Jedi hugs to you!

      • Getting up and being doing what needs to be done at this point for you is an amazing accomplishment. It gets better even though it feels like it never will. One day at a time. Try to find something to do every day that brings you just a few minutes of pleasure and savor them. It’s hard but you will make it!

        • WiseOldOwl,
          It feels like you will never recover, but you will. There are many of stages of recovery that you will cycle through over and over. I spent the first year in bed overwhelmed by ptsd and depression. During the next stage, I became angry. I got to work, tripled my income and love, love, love spending all my free time with my growing children. Next stage? Emotion free focus on getting the best settlement for my children and myself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. You are mighty 🙂

          • WiseOldOwl – hang in there. There’s nothing better than new glasses and I hope you look fabulous in them. I salute you for getting out of bed! Baby steps, baby. You’ve got this!

      • Every little bit counts WiseOldOwl, every moment of your post-cheater life is a victory!

        Some of these moments are actively spent doing things, some moments are just about being there to acknowledge that building a cheater-free life is an exhausting journey.

        Like all who commented here, I am rooting for you, forge on WiseOldOwl!

      • Oil change and glasses are major accomplishments when you’re world is in chaos. You also reached out to your fellow Chumps. Supportive human contact is very important. We’re here for you.

    • WiseOldOwl, every single member of Chump Nation is pulling for you!!! I just said a prayer for you right here at my desk. 🙂

      Give yourself credit for EVERYTHING. Even breathing in and out, which some days feels like hard labor. I promise that it gets better! I learned to judge my progress month to month rather than day to day.

      Also, I got a good laugh from this meme during those early, hardest days: If I don’t kill someone, does that mean I saved someone’s life? Or something like that. 🙂

      Your mightiness is growing day by day!!! Hugs to you, Dear Friend!

      • Way to go wise! I remember those bed days. I want to thank my bed for being there. I’d take my iPad,phone,diary and just be. Going out to face people was hard. I felt that everyone could see my pain. But bit by bit it changed. Bed is still a sanctuary but I no longer dread life. Know that CN is a place where every single person actually understands you because we’ve been through it. Drop us a line any time from wherever

    • WiseOldOwl, you are here. You are safe here. You will make it. Read all the archives. Journal. Hot baths and epsom salts. Lots and lots of sleep.

    • WiseOldOwl, this soon after Dday this is big stuff. I remember just laying in bed sick to my stomach, shaking, so anxiext-ridden I actually had to tell myself to breathe. I finally realized I hadn’t eaten or showered in days. As I said in another post, I told myself to get in the shower or I would draw flies. Anything beyond comatose is a MAJOR feat! xoxoxoxoxox! Stay strong….this pain is finite, I promise!

      • WiseOldOwl

        Every day do something for yourself. You are a wonderful person. I believed this stage would never end. It will! Sending love and strength to you. You matter!

  • I found a 1.5 week old abandoned kitten on 10/28. A few days later, she stopped eating and was having tremors. After two days in the kitty hospital, they thought she had an incurable neurological disorder. She has made a full recovery, however, and her vet thinks she’s going to be just fine (fingers crossed).

    No matter what, she’ll always be mine and will receive the best home and the best care I can give her. She is a fighter — and winner — against nearly insurmountable odds and she’s my inspiration these days to keep my head up and keep going.

    I wish I could paste her pic here – she’s ADORBS!

    • Humans should be more like animals. Your kitten will appreciate you and always be glad to see you and give you affection. They generally don’t complain about anything but truly appreciate what they have!

    • 18 mos ago on by boyfriends bday I rescued a kitten from a busy road (at the intersection of Wildcat Drive – fate!) At the time I had an old & non cat-friendly dog w/ cancer. So, viola- instant bday present. Started out with the goal of being a barn kitty, but those two have a bromance no one would’ve ever believed. And his two dogs are great with the kitty too.
      Fast forward to my dog’s passing. After a few months I was having withdrawals. Bf got me a chihuahua pup for Christmas & she hit it off with all his critters (my old dog didnt & we always had to keep them separated).
      Especially the cat. She’s lonely on the days we don’t stay at bf’s place, so I thought about getting a kitten. But I’d just bought a townhouse & met the sweetest neighbor kitty ever. He comes over every day to hang out & play with the pup. It’s perfect & there’s nothing that makes me smile like watching their Garfield & Odie antics.
      Just today I unpacked some silk plants & the cat’s having a blast hiding in the “jungle” & pouncing anyone/thing that walks by.
      I’ve always had just dogs (bred & trained for many years), butt now I totally get how the crazy cat lady thing can happen. Lol
      Pets are truly the best medicine.

      • Forgot to mention that the rescued cat, now 1.5 yrs, had a sudden & pretty severe seizure last wk. It was so alarming & he was pretty out of it for a day or two, but has made a full recovery. I had an epileptic dog once & thankfully she only seized a few times in her 12 yrs. Hoping this will be true for the cat as well.

        • My chocolate lab is epileptic. He was Fucktard’s dog but too much trouble with his seizures, medicine, and hell, you have to feed and water them as well as let them run outside. He was having seizures for over two hours and after I booted Fucktard out, I took him back to the vet. I told her that the seizures are getting much worse and that I know that Fucktard has explained them to her several times, but I needed to tell her again. She just looked at me. He hadn’t followed up with her at all and she thought they were under control. My poor baby spent over a year with cluster seizure and on the wrong medicine. Fucktard lied about talking to the vet. I got new medicine and he has about 2 ten minute seizures a year now. And, he’s happier than he’s ever been.

  • I went to a household auction and got some really good items for a fraction of the retail price. Their previous owners might have died, but they will be appreciated and used going forward as this Chump rebuilds her life on a much smaller budget.

    A Potato ricer for the smoothest mashed potato ever! A stainless steel vacuum flask for my morning tea on my commute. And, best of all, a set of kitchen steps so I can reach into my top cupboards!

    PS any Americans got a wonderful meatloaf recipe to share with me? It has to be one that is made from scratch and mention the seasoning.

    • 1 pound of the best quality hamburger you can get
      1 small vidalia onion chopped small
      1 clove garlic crushed or grated small
      1 egg scrambled
      2 slices cheap bread torn into small pieces
      3/4 cup milk
      1 tsp ground sage
      1/2 tsp salt

      Mix together well with your hands and press into glass loaf pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minuges

      Topping … Mix 1/4 cup ketchup, 1 tbsp brown sugar, and 1 tsp worcestire sauce. After baking meatloaf for the 50 minutes, spread topping over loaf and bake 10 more minutes.

      The garlic and sage make this to die for!!

    • Delicious low-carb recipe

      1 lb ground turkey
      1/2 yellow onion finely chopped
      1 beaten egg
      1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
      2 T Worcestershire sauce
      1 teaspoon black pepper
      1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
      2 teaspoons onion powder (optional)
      3 T ketchup or tomato paste

      Mix all items and put into baking loaf dish
      Bake uncovered 350 degrees F for 35 min or until juices run clear.

      Serve with roasted-creamed cauliflower and a green salad.
      Yum!

      • Looks like we have a really good start on that CN Cookbook. What is it, 5 or 6 recipes so far in the comments?

        And I haven’t even finished reading to the end of this lovely conversation.

        Just in case that idea falls thru, I have been copying the recipes to my “Word” program.
        What an precious bunch of humans we have here at ChumpNation!

        Here’s to all as we ForgeOn! with our culinary skills!

      • Thanks everyone! I asked from scratch not because of snobbery, but because we don’t have any meatloaf helper or ready mix around these parts.

        Really love the suggestions!

  • I’m MEH. 15 months out from D-day and the subsequent fucking tides of pain and emotional hell I actually survived it all. Enough said.

  • I had an unexpected and difficult tooth extraction yesterday – after a sleepless post election week, I sat in the dentists chair and wept as they prepared for the procedure.

    But then I got to thinkin’

    I have a boss who is understanding of me needing to duck out of the office to go to the dentist

    I live in an era of wonderful dentistry

    I have dental insurance (thank you divorce lawyer)

    I have the means to run to the store and pick up yogurt and soup post precedue

    I have loving people who care that I had a tooth yanked out

    When crawled into bed last night, jaw swollen and bruised, I wept again in gratitude and appreciation for a wonderful all providing universe

  • My 72-year old mother comes every Thursday afternoon/evening. She watches the baby, makes dinner, and does a few household chores around the house. Not a ton, just enough that it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. She is my rock and I am so incredibly blessed to have her.

      • Yes simple stuff like this is wonderful. My 75 year old mum text me today to ask if she could buy me a gadget that kept half an avacado fresh in the fridge. Simple things like this make me smile.

        Oh and she also text me the other day to say how proud of me she is 🙂

        • I have several people in my life who check on me, but my mom is my “main” support person. I am soooo grateful to have her. She told me not too long ago that she admired me for getting through so much. And here, I have been thinking how much I admire her for just stepping in to help and love not just me but my kiddos.

          I want to grow up to be just like her (says the 45-year old!)

  • After years of loss of self confidence, trauma and pain I followed a friends advice and joined a running club. I am three weeks in and I am feeling so much better. Exercise really works and the pain I am now suffering is mainly in the knees and quads. My mood has definitely lifted.
    I will be doing a 5K in December, well a slow mincing hobble probably but hey that doesn’t matter.

    Love to you all and thank you chump nation for being here

    • Yea, Polly! Running saved me from falling into a pit of depression. 3yrs out and I’m still going. I’ve set new personal goals for myself. It all began with just trying to get to 2miles, then a 5k at 30min, on and on.

      Hmmmm….. Maybe there should be a Chump5k- gaining a life run.

    • Slow mincing hobble FTW! I completed my first SMH 5K back in May, and last month I’m proud to announce I achieved a SMH 10K! Anything is possible. I’m so glad running is helping you to regain some emotional equilibrium. It also temporarily eases runny nose when you have a cold, as I’m discovering this week.

    • Great job, Polly! People keep telling me to exercise as I will “feel better.” I just don’t have the energy. I think I’m in a vicious cycle?

      • Martha: It really does work; start with a 5 minute walk. Next day, 6 minute walk. Day after–6 minute walk a little faster….. Pretty soon you’re skipping.

        • Okay, Tempest, I will. 🙂 I now live in a lovely, tree-lined neighborhood with sidewalks, so I now have no excuse for not getting a walk in each day (no sidewalks by my old apartment.) Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂

          • Martha,

            My sister and I took our dogs out this afternoon to a county park we haven’t been to yet. The park was wonderful and well groomed. The kids were running, birds were chirping, it was a perfect adventure. Then three hours in, winding our way through the switch-backs, we were mumbling to ourselves about the lack of properly marked trails. I think I may have even made a comment about coming back with cans of spray paint instead of breadcrumbs to find our way home. I told my sister if the cops caught us not to use the word tagging, “Honest officer, we’re marking the trails, not tagging them.” Anyway, I was thinking we would star in a Survivor spin-off and I’d have to trade my bra for peanut butter when we found the road about an hour later. You know New York has wonderful parks, so if you go farther than the neighborhood, bring a compass, paint, and an extra bra for trade. 🙂

    • Yay, Polly!

      I took up mountain bike riding. I am the slowest cyclist in the field, but who cares. I am off the sofa and out there.

      • Yeah. This.

        Personally, though, I grow super bored when running or cycling on roads; however, I love running and biking (and skiing) on trails. It’s a double whammy of goodness in that I get the south tress relief that comes with both physical exercise and time in nature, seeing wildlife and beautiful landscapes. If you run or bike, try a trail run.

        Of course, I also really enjoy slower activities such as berry picking and fly fishing, as these repetitive motions wash way stress and help to clear and focus the mind.

        I love that my kids, dog, and I, have soooo much more time to spend outdoors without my ex-wife’s influences and demands on our time. It’s liberating.

        Time in nature, especially with my young kids or old dog, prepares me mentally and physically for life’s challenges, while reminding me that there is much beauty in the world.

        • See reply about to Martha. I love hiking and frequently get lost. If you’re ever in New York and pass a blonde more than once, and she’s muttering to herself as she’s spray painting red, green, yellow or blue marks on trees, point her the way out please.

    • Amazing, VulcanChump. Had to look him up, as I am not current with musical talent (tho’ VN is waking me from my slumber in these matters).
      He is only 24 (!!!!!! really folks, 24) and has preternatural talent. I read that he was a professional magician at age 10. Someone to watch for. Someone creating beauty.
      Did I mention born in 1992??
      Thanx for the introduction, VC, V

  • A co-worker who met me in the middle of my break-up/divorce told me yesterday that she is proud of how strong I have become and how many things I have accomplished on my own. I owe you, Tracey, and TN for this.

  • Last week, two of my middle school students gave me unsolicited “compliments.” I was having a bad hair day so I put my hair up and one student told me, “Your bun is lit!” Then another day a student told me “Your eyebrows are on fleek.” That’s why I love my seventh graders!

      • I’m going to have to take your word for it Tempest. I’m guessing they are phrases that would should show up on a list of things people over 30 aren’t allowed to say anymore? Is totes adorbs already outdated?

        • Yup, sorry, “adorbs” definitely on the dated list.

          Don’t worry, many of us are in this boat. Most of what I say is on the outdated list (“fab”!), but I have a 15 year old who keeps me up on a few key terms in between rolling her eyes. Apparently my emoji use is pretty appalling too. Just for kicks, I like to send my children the woman with her hands on her head, and then her hands crossed in front of her, followed by “Hey, macarena!” I feel it’s my maternal duty to allow my daughters to bond over the shared view that “Mom is so embarrassing.”

          • Yes! Teenagers! I have 2 but teach 7th and 8th graders too. So I got, “Your eyeliner is on point.” And, “You’ve got swag.” (I thought that was outdated but apparently not.)

            I tell them to keep things on the down low, but they tell me that’s ancient and what I meant to say was low key. Lol

          • My 14-year-old son is mortified by my use of emojis, so naturally I respond to his every text with a string of the most random emojis I can find. 🙂

            • Hahahaha. I can’t tell the smiley faces apart – all of them are too small and I don’t understand how to read them in a “sentence” anyway. I usually just type “smiley face emoji” when I want to use one.

              And I don’t know how to text efficiently either. It takes a long time. Once, when texts were new, my daughter was in the emergency room at 4:00 am with a burst ovarian cyst. She received a text from a concerned friend but I responded to it (as her) as she was in pain..

              Her friend told her later that he assumed she was in hospital having a psychotic break because her response was in complete sentences. With capital letters.

          • That’s awesome Tempest ????!

            I too REVEL in letting my kids bond over how much of an outdated nerd I am. They love it and and we have a lot of fun just being ourselves.

            Truth is I am probably a pretty interesting guy for my age (48) brcause I am blessed to have an interesting occupation which I love and am good at, and as a result my work regularly gets public attention. Even my 17 year old stepson tells me of how cool his friends and coworkers think my work is, and that they respect my small accomplishments.

            So, I like to ensure that my kids know, first and foremost, that really I am huge goof and an embarrassing Dad. Nothing special because of my carerer accomplishments. My ex wife likes to paint the picture of how perfect she is, and they must be – image management anyone? Too bad the kids and I are busy geeking out and a having a ton-o-fun together!

            • Forest for the Trees–the kids know the fun parent, is (and which parent always has their back). Good for you making their lives enjoyable AND safe.

              Not sure how old your kids are, but a book I can highly recommend is A Lithgow Palooza! by John Lithgow (the actor). It is filled with zany activities to do with children of all ages (for the kid in all of us!).

              • Thanks Tempest. I’ll check out that book.

                My kids range in age from 17 to 4. With one in the middle. We have alot of activities we enjoy in common already, many of which they got me into to, and that we enjoy together at every opportunity. It’s great.

                We’ve always been like this and that part of our lives has continued, and even thrived, now that we don’t have the daily stress of walking on egg shells around a disordered, selfish wife/mother. It’s just become so much easier. I try to impart on my kids the importance of being authentic with one another – which I think comes naturally for them.

  • Wednesday’s post election column has 622 comments. I challenge Chump Nation to post *more* than 622 comments on this column. To show there is more that unites people of goodwill than divides us, more joy in the universe than pain. God bless Chump Nation.

  • Spoke to the senior partner at my lawyers office yesterday. He feels that with as much dirt as I have on Miserable Vomitus Mass( yes, I loved that so much I stole it!) that if we can get mediation done in the next 2 weeks (mandatory in my state) I might get the divorce final on Dec 1st. Freedom! Glorious freedom!

  • My divorce will be one week from today. I’m finishing the second week of my new job, a good, full-time job using skills I’ve honed and an intellect I had suppressed under layers of low-level anxiety, sensing something was wrong but not knowing what. I am living as an authentic person, without his decades of lies. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s better–and getting better every day!

  • I just deleted a political post. You want to fight about the election, there is another post for that. I’m keeping things POSITIVE and encouraging here.

    There is the rest of the internet for the rest of the crap.

    Oh, and if anyone wants to chide me about letting politics get on my blog in the first place? It’s my bully pulpit here. I pay $300+ a month for the privilege plus countless hours maintaining a support site. It’s not a democracy here — I created this place. There are over 2000 posts on this site that have jack shit to do with politics. I am horrified, like half the nation, at what’s ahead. You don’t agree? FINE. 99.9 of this blog has zilch to do with my politics.

    I’m moving past the subject — and I DO NOT WANT IT HERE ON THIS POST. I fucking HATE moderating my site. I don’t want to knock heads, and God knows, I’ve imposed on Tempest (chief head knocker and first troll defense.)

    But! But! You started it, Tracy!

    SEE SENTENCE ABOVE. We’re DONE here. My political feelings are expressed on Twitter and my Tracy Schorn Facebook site. Follow me there. The blog is now returning to its regularly scheduled program.

    • Thank you for keeping this site a place where we can come to heal, not fight. I have been so blue, for many reasons. But the people I love have been so concerned and supportive. Both my daughters sent me beautiful flowers, with heart felt messages. Gardening is what keeps me sane, so I took two days off from work and have started my winter flower garden, So far, I have planted pansies, violas, snap dragons and dianthus. I am waiting for my bulbs to arrive and, in the meantime, I have been preparing my beds for winter. My garden is better than any anti-depressant ever invented. Oh, and it looks like I am going to have a bumper crop of key limes, Meyer lemons, and tangerines. Even some of my temperamental herbs are behaving!

        • Ahhhhh Ian, you sweet thang!! I know this is for violet, and she so deserves it!
          But it really touched me, for some reason.
          Blessings, V

          • Always a blessing to hear from you, Virago.

            I was just riffing on Børnes’s butterfly and the tangerine blossoms. Voila.

              • Leonard Cohen was a bit of a stretch for me for some reason. I always sought out female vocalists, so Match Girl introduced me to him, really.

                (posting youtube works with preview when you leave the “s” off of the “https” in the URL)

                http://youtu.be/YrLk4vdY28Q

                Don’t know if this is authoritative, but it’s a very good organ player here. And the lyric:

                “Well, maybe there’s a god above
                But all I’ve ever learned from love
                Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you”

                I don’t think Leornard was a chump, but this lyric makes him seem like he was wounded first at least once.

                I hate 2016!

              • No reply button, Ian! Thanks, honey. This is a beautiful piece. And yes, he was hurt often by women. Betrayed by his female friend (“part of his family”) who embezzled his money late in his life. Forever in love with Marianne, for whom he wrote lovely, poetic expressions near her death not ;long before his own. Remarkable. Always a gentleman when I met him on the streets of our city, standing out by his elegance and charm, tipping his hat to me (a stranger).

                I just copy/paste the youtube address and it brings it fully here. Just lucky:

    • Thank you CL! I haven’t been here in quite a while..for the longest time it put my head back in that bad place you all helped me escape but trying to escape the election I came back here (which remained one of my favorites) and I am once again reassured (I peeked from time to time) that I wasn’t letting anyone down here by staying away. My how the site has grown! ???So my good things are – barely ever think about that monster, I went back to painting and have actually sold some of my art, and I think the most important thing to me is I am a rock for my two grown girls and my Grands and that means the most. They were SO there for me and I love being healthy enough to switch roles again. Love you all!!! ‘Specially you CL! ??

  • I’ve been working construction after my wife left, great pay but long hours and at 52 I’m pretty tired when I get home..Tuesday night I got home and just fell asleep on my bed. My daughter came home a little later and woke me up with a Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell..made my night..love that kid

  • I jumped back into the PT paid work world this year consulting a smallish foreign start-up. I have busted my buttocks placing my client in secondary and tertiary segments where their product is an obvious fit. Found out late last month that they are a finalist for an big recognition award in the first market segment that they initially hired me for consult work.

    Yay!

    • Side note to chumps who left their careers to support the careers of their chumps- I left my job in the mid-90’s to support asshat’s climb up the ladder. During that time I had 4 kids, a few foreign moves and a few domestic moves as a SAHM.

      Asshat is considered successful by his title. And I will ALWAYS remember how the CIO of a major retail pharmacy bluntly reminded him, when be was telling her of his last promotion, to never forget that he didn’t get there by himself. Never forget the people in the background (us chumps) are a big part of the reason they achieve success.

      My point to chumps who left their career-building jobs for 5+yrs is to get out there and begin to volunteer in organizations that speak to you. Gain relevant, updated knowledge in a field of your interest. Apply your existing skills because they are relevant. Even your new chump skills. Jobs can be found via networking and for some us older contributors, networking is the best way to overcome Ageism in the hiring process.

        • Staying home to raise kids put such a hole in my resume that my job skills became outdated. I’m back at school fine-tuning my science background for a new career – will graduate at the age of 48! ANC’s comment about networking is so true. Perhaps we should start a “LinkedIn for Chumps”!

      • Well said, ANC.

        Although why people prefer young people when they can have a mature, grateful experience older person is beyond me.

    • Wowza – I don’t know what any of this means but I’m impressed as shit!!!! Swear to God – this makes me want to update my resume and make another career push. Thank you for the inspiration!!

    • Good job! 🙂

      And I totally agree with the fact that us stay at home chumps, who’ve raised the kids and cared for the home are just as important in the making of a corporate career as the person in the actual career. My cheater could not have climbed the ladder like he did if it hadn’t been for me. I found his college, I suggested people to contact for employment after college, I took care of kids, house and dogs. Dinner was always on the table for him when he came home. I always worked my ass off to stretch the dollar, to compensate for his spending habits, so that we could afford more. I never nagged. I would ask once, and if it wasn’t done, I would do stuff myself, without trying to be resentful. A lot of us stay at home chumps made our spouses lives very easy, and they’ll be surprised when they get out in to the real world, without us coddling them.

      • Yes, yes, and yes. My ex has no idea how to manage life or finances on his own. Rude awakening straight ahead!

  • I give you two heartwarming stories in the news I’ve run across over the last month. If you Google “McDonald conjoined twins”, you’ll read about 2 beautiful baby boys who were conjoined at the head, who’ve been surgically separated, and are doing well!! Literally brain surgery, people. Their mother, Nicole Mcdonald, has a Facebook page with pics of the separated babies and that they’re progressing each day.

    The other story I’d have you Google is Dr William Petit, who 9 years ago lost his entire family in a horrific home invasion, got remarried a few years ago, has a new baby boy, and just this week got elected to State legislature.

    Not puppies, but stories of rebirth, renewal, hope through devastating tragedy, new beginnings, rising through adversity, never giving up and perseverance.

    Peace to all.

  • I’m in my first job, post child birth. First job in 7 1/2 years. It’s nothing fancy, I’m “just” a cashier. But I’m hellbent on not remaining a cashier forever. The quote from Legally Blonde comes to mind: But if I’m going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I’m 30, I need a boyfriend who’s not such a complete bonehead.

    So, I’m busting my butt. One of my supervisors came to me the other day and told me to go work on a lane. I asked why (I’ve been on self checkout lanes a lot lately), and he said: Because you’re so good at it. You’re a rockstar wherever I put you. 😀

    But yeah, if I’m going to make store manager by the time I’m 40, I’m going to need to work hard, and not have a bonehead husband.

    6 more days! 😀

    • It’s wonderful to see you get recognition for your intelligence, your work ethic, and your drive. That’s light years from being devalued by a cheater. Rockstar!

    • Great job, CDL! We all know you WILL make store manager some day! And you are not “just” a cashier. ALL jobs are important!! This is a long time ago (early 80’s), but I started as “just” a cashier at McDonald’s and worked my way to management in two years. I was the head manager of the store within a few years. Now I know a lot of people will think it’s “just” McDonalds (no doubt my exes elite accounting co-workers looked down on me — one “man” even called me a gold digger to my face and of course my fiancé, my now ex, just stood there and didn’t stand up for me even though I was making more a year than him!!), but it was a very hard job and I learned a lot about a lot of different subjects about running a restaurant. Go get ‘um, CDL!!!

    • Congrats CrazyDogLady!

      You mention, – “and not have a bonehead husband”

      Did you mean – and not have a BONER for an EX-husband? 🙂

    • You are a rockstar CDL…and I know ’cause I know you in real life. You are a smart, funny, gorgeous chick who also happens to be one helluva great mom.

      I can’t wait to see how you continue to lead a kick-ass life post-divorce, minus The Magical One.

      Jedi hugs!

    • Oh! To add to this, I just got a personal recognition from a customer from one of my supervisors. It’s always nice when the customers go to that extra step to make sure we’re appreciated. 🙂

  • An amazing sweet man sent me flowers for no reason at all other than to make me feel loved. Needless to say it worked!

  • I have the world’s greatest neighbors! The constantly check up on me, fixed my toilets, trimmed this tree from hell growing in my yard that is a moss magnet. When I thanked him for trimming the tree, he said, “wasn’t me, it was the tree bandit!” Thank you Mr. Tree Bandit!

    • Awesome neighbours! Mine called the police on me during the post D-Day haze for giant weeds and unmowed lawn. Appreciate the good ones <3

      • You, too, CrazyDogLady? (Looks like we share more than just tons of dogs.) My sanctimonious neighbor across the street (now known as ‘Weed Nazi’) called the Homeowner’s Association on me twice for weeds & an uncut lawn the week my divorce was final.

          • Ironically, a few months later the Weed Nazi’s husband came to help me mow my lawn. The Weed Nazi herself is a superficially nice person, is highly judgmental, with no compassion, and apparently a coward (she could have said, “Hey, my lawn mowers are coming Tuesday, want me to send them over?). I have known her underlying crappy character for years, so no surprise she called the homeowner’s association. But it was a huge blow at the time, when I was still feeling slightly suicidal 4 months after D-day.

  • What I think we all want after dday is karma. Yes, for the cheater to get what they deserve the most in the most devastating way.

    I will admit that I was one of those people. I wanted my ex wife to go down in flames. Well guess what, she did. But I will admit it didn’t make me feel the way I thought I would. Quite honestly, I felt the exact opposite. I was and am very sad on what she did to herself and how it effected my kids.

    It wasn’t until I received the real karma – the genuine karma – that landed me to meh. You see to me, karma should be about all the good that should come to me and not all the bad that goes to her. I deserve good!

    Once I figured this out, this allowed me to shift the focus from her to me. All the good that I deserve was dormant all these years. Once I got her out of my life, and quit wishing the bus to hit her and focused on myself all the good came in abundance.

    • This is so true…I soooo wanted to hear how my ex wife was crashing and burning and not working for 2 years and totally dependent on her fuck buddy for spending money …but as time marches on I’ve realized I don’t give a shit anymore what happens to her it doesn’t affect me anymore as my kids are grown and I can be totally zero contact which is where I’ve been for well over a year now..just focusing on ourselves and our family that sticks by us is the key

      • SureChumpedAlot

        That is a lovely way to turn that karma thing around. I’m going to start thinking this way from now. ❤️

        What a great idea this Friday challenge is. A healing kind of thing.

        All the posts are going to give us all a well deserved Chump lift.

    • This is so true! Mine is slowly continuing to fall apart. I am concerned now as how the kids will adjust to it. They are good kids and love her no matter what. I just hope they don’t get pulled into her drama. I am working with them trying to teach them how to set healthy boundaries. It has been good for a few laughs for me and helping me realize I wasn’t the person that destroyed her. It was her! Looking forward MEH as well. We will get to the point where hearing about them is like watching a story on the news.

      • Lostntx,

        The kids will adjust because that’s what “good kids” always do. Job well done on continually teaching them healthy boundaries all these past years. Your kids sound very compassionate and respectful because they “love her no matter what.”

        So when Mom crosses the Maginot line and embarrasses them in front of their friends, or become victims of collateral damage, just be present and available to escort them back to the safe and healthy side.

        I feel Meh is just around the corner for you lostntx. Just remember, you will know when you are at Meh, when you *choose* to change the channel on your TV remote when a news story comes on that has been re-played over and over and over.

        Tuesday is just around the corner, keep fresh batteries in your TV remote.

    • And you deserve all the “good that came in abundance” (including that Cub win!).

      I’m with you–I am now 2 years, 2 months exactly from D-day; yesterday was my 2 year file-aversary, and I have reached a state of zen that I did not think possible given my personality ; ). I recognize what I can and cannot change & act accordingly. I have achieved the ability to see the silver lining in bad circumstances (e.g., my house didn’t sell in time for me to satisfy the contingency on a house I reeeeaaalllly wanted, but my current house looks great after all the repairs and tidying up!).

      I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone, but the fact that it happened to me brought me into this wonderful, warm, witty, wise CL community, where I have made lifelong friends.

      I have experienced love and kindness from unexpected places (e.g., the neighbors on either side of me who, after seeing my exertions with a pushmower, have their lawn people cut as far over onto my boundary as they can). Betrayal opens our eyes to bad in the world, but with open eyes we also see good with more clarity.

      A metaphor for my new outlook–as I left the dog shelter after volunteering the other day, the most fantastic rainbow appeared. May it have gold at the end of it for all of us.

      • I love you, Tempest, because your character and integrity are present in every single sentence you write here.

        There are many angels on this site. In this season of thanksgiving, I am grateful for all of you.

      • “Zen” is the keyword here Tempest. So happy to see your serenity transformation this past year. Very proud of you!

        IMO, “Meh” comes with “Zen” – It’s amazing that both of these 3 lettered words are so powerful and life-changing. Even more amazing to me is really believing that “good things come in three.”

        “The power of three is a principle that suggests that things that come in threes are funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.” I Believe this whole-heartedly, just as my “3 little birds.”

        Does this mean the Cubs will have 2 more World Series victories in the next couple years? Hail to a “three-peat” for the Cubbies!

      • Thank you Tempest for all your wit and wisdom!! I’m also two years post-DDay, I have longer and longer stretches at Meh, still a long way to go, but I don’t get triggered nor baited as easily as I used to… So there is progress!

        Another good thing? Being part of CN, huge thanks to CL for creating and nurturing this incredible community of survivors!!!

        • and to you, Chumptitude/Meme Queen, for all your wit & wisdom! I’m sure Meh is hard to achieve when you’re still trying to parallel-parent with a fuckwit. (I myself am enjoying my zen, but have not intention of getting to Meh–cheaters still make me too angry and there is a Chump Revolution to fight!)

        • and to you, Chumptitude/Meme Queen, for all your wit & wisdom! I’m sure Meh is hard to achieve when you’re still trying to parallel-parent with a fuckwit. (I myself am enjoying my zen, but have no intention of getting to Meh–cheaters still make me too angry and there is a Chump Revolution to fight!)

    • SureChumped

      I created my ‘divorce vows’

      Living better is the best revenge. I do.
      Look at actions . I do
      Leave a cheater and gain a life. I do.
      I can drive my own bus. I do.
      I can only control myself. I do.

  • Knowing I would be distressed due to the election results and after a morning of trying to cheer up a few actually crying students – four students snuck into my room and hid behind a big table. “PPpsssst!, Ms. Magnito! Do you have any extra white paint in here??? How about a tan marker?? We want to stay here!”
    Best thing the 4th best friend hiding is about as caucasion as you can get.

    Why was he hiding? He just wanted to be with his friends…. talk about solidarity!

    You can’t make this stuff up. At first I jumped, but then I laughed, because they took time out of their day to try to cheer me up.

  • While shopping in the Nike Outlet Store with two teenagers and a cart full of expensive (even at outlet prices) gear, a random man walked up to me and handed me a coupon for $50 off because it was about to expire and he couldn’t use it. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to be suspicious that it was some kind of scam, but it worked at checkout! Thank you, kind stranger, for saving me money, and opening my eyes to the fact that not everyone is trying to put one over on me…

    • That is so wonderful when someone give you a coupon to help you save money!! I’ve had that happen to me a few times over the years and I’ve paid it forward myself. It’s always such a good feeling!! 🙂

    • I love doing that to people! I once had extra Haute Cash from Torrid, so I handed one out to another lady in line. And once in line at my grocery store, I had extra $5 off coupons I knew I wasn’t going to use, so I handed them out to everyone in the line. 🙂

  • I have one for you all. MY HOUSE CLOSED YESTERDAY!!!!! Next week gonna go find a place to live my own little house. Moving five hours from asswipe and going totally no contact! Thanks traci, thanks chump nation and a big shout out to my girl jeep tess!!!!!! I so excited. In just a couple weeks i will be gone finally and im taking my three antidepressants with me. Glory glory joy joy!!! Thank you for this site traci!!! Im free!!!!!!! Ive gained a life!!!!!!

  • Secondary to some issues with my ex and his 4th wife, my children and I started fostering kittens. That’s been awesome in and of itself but that fostering has spawned my 4tg graders science project where she is using posters to get the long term cats adopted at out city animal shelter. That would have been awesome itself but in trying to get a local TV personality who loves pets get the animal poster s on TV, I wrote to him and he had her come on TV yesterday for animal shelter worker appreciation week. Awesome awesome…but as I sat on the sidelines watching as a proud mommy I met a shelter worker who will hopefully work with me to start a program where my Veterans with whom I work can volunteer with the shelter cats who are scared ….I am so fucking blessed.

  • I bought myself a Father Christmas indoor gnome today. I never used to buy things for myself. My first step towards making my first cheater free Christmas an occasion of love, joy and happiness.
    I love Christmas and instead of feeling ashamed this year, of my utter sentimentality I am going to celebrate it.
    It cheers me up no end to think about wintery evenings, mulled wine, mince pies and days with my three boys.
    And after that? I remember someone here said that they had found ‘the one’ and it was herself. So my Valentine’s Day is going to be huge!

    • I love Christmas too. I’ve always kept decorations to a minimum, because STBX didn’t like the fuss. This year? I’m getting more stuff. And then I’m going crazy at the after Christmas sale for next year.

      IF I ever find someone to share my life with again, I don’t want him being a grinch, like this one was.

    • Welcome brezz this is the very best site for comfort care and the outpouring of common sense. We are all here for you.

      • Thanks KM, I have been an avid observer of some CN for some months now… the feasting of cake was just too much to bare today!!

    • Welcome to the voice of reason at CL. Our leader can and does save lives. You are safe here in supportive company. I PROMISE you will survive but you have a lot of work to do and it’s not easy work. Fortunately for you, you are where you belong!!

    • Welcome Bree-zerc! I can’t wait to hear your story and support you through this painful time as all of CN has been supporting me. Welcome to the club no one wants to join (but is eternally grateful for!)

    • Kicked him to the curb Bree-zerc….great job. The curb will lead him to the sewer in which he belongs.

      Stay mighty and from this point forward, make sure you start doing for yourself!

    • Good for you. Keep coming here. You will never find a more understanding, supporting, and funny group.

    • Yay Bree-zerk! This place serves up miracles as long as you follow the advice. It is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done but I wish this site had been here sooner because I was Chumped more than once. My gratitude knows no limits for how I turned my life around.

  • Today is Veteran’s Day. I would like to thank all of our Veterans for their service and allowing us to enjoy all that is in our lives today.

  • Today someone dear to me and hundreds of miles away let me know they’re thinking of me. The sun popped out long enough this morning to give me a beautiful picture of bright orange, yellow and green leaves against deep gray clouds. It’s just over a year past D-Day and the good days are starting to out number the bad.

  • I just found out that X is living in the back room of his STORE, taking showers in a garbage can. Yes…a garbage can! This was the very place where he was secretly meeting up with his last Ho and when I busted him.

    I also got proof four days ago of his cheating starting from the first six months of our marriage. I had boxes and boxes of old business records outside, and a huge rain storm soaked all the papers through and through. I had to sort through every one of them to salvage what I could, and lo and behold, seven months of his cell phone records were there. I could not help but notice the call logs were enormous…and kept seeing the same number hundreds of times per month…only during times that I was asleep between 10pm and 4am. Thousands of minutes on every bill.

    Here is the biggest thing…IT DID NOT HURT ME AT ALL.

    • Showering in a garbage can?!? All I can think of is, “Well, isn’t that special?”

      Congrats on the no-more-pain, Sweetz. That state is hard-won.

      • When we were renovating our house four years ago, I custom designed and had a shower built for him that was fit for a (very large) King. He would often brag about it to people. When I first met him, he was living in the back of his store also…turns out this was after being kicked to the curb by his prior wife too, rather than the story he concocted. Wheels on the bus go round and round.

        The garbage can shower thing is very befitting on many levels…not only is it designed to hold large amounts of “trash”, but it signifies the end of a dignified life that I had helped him to achieve…plus, he is a SLOB. He is now living with cockroaches, this I know for a fact because of all the garbage he leaves back there from lunches not disposed of for weeks on end. Yuck.

        • Un fucking believable. You can’t make this shit up. Why in the world did he choose this? Idiot.

          If I was in a relationship with someone who loved me enough to DESIGN A SHOWER FOR MY PLEASURE, I would not only never leave that person, I would spend my life trying to live up to that honor.

          You have provided a perfect image of entitlement and the perfect ending to a cheater narrative. I’m sorry you lived it, though.

          • I think he chose to live back there because he THINKS that I will eventually miss him and invite him back home…he thought that too regarding his ex wife before me (obviously, no dice). He does not want to waste money getting furniture and an apartment. That’s the only thing that I can figure without giving him too much real estate in my head…he also prides himself in being able to be “innovative” and a minimalist…having the survivalist mentality. After we got our relationship off the ground, he only moved out of that back room and got his own tiny apartment once he thought that he was going to need a large bed for having sex with me. It was never about not being able to afford better.

            • Mine too! He was a back-to-the-lander in his twenties – lived in a teepee on his uncle’s enormous ranch.

              I thought it was refreshingly original. He and I are the same age and, while I didn’t know him then, during those same years I was a punk rocker in Alphabet City in the East Village and had never met anyone like him before.

              Since D-day, I discovered that he had essentially been “banished” there after his fundamentalist Christian family discovered the extent of his sexual molestation of his little sister (for eight years).

              Everything I thought was good about that guy turns out to have been the “cover” for something fucked up. Another example is that we dated for three years and I only met his sister and mom. I thought he had a very small FOO – like me! Another thing we shared in common!

              NOPE! He had relatives coming out the wazoo. Further, the incest thing goes back generations.

              Arghhh!

              • And he, too, when we started dating, owned a three bedroom house. He slept in a guest room on a twin-sized futon mattress on the floor (no frame).

                Very little furniture. Just an enormous desktop monitor (20 years ago size) and a chair. I didn’t have a clue (yet – cue ‘Jaws’ theme music) about internet porn so assumed he was a minimalist.

                Nope. Just cheap and stupid.

                He got our three bedroom house in the divorce. Sleeps on our queen sized bed but no sheets. TV room has our giant flat screen and an easy chair.

                FLASHBACK! He showed me who he was in 1996. I was blind. Now I see clearly.

              • OMG…the X tried to get sex from his 17yr old daughter (was caught in the act)…and HIS dad was having sex with his younger sister for years…and the X’s first wife was sexually molested by HER father. So the X went for vulnerable/clueless women who project their own goodness onto him. Predator.

              • Someday I would like to be the kind of person who would like to be able to see how terrible and fucked-up these losers lives are.

                I struggle with wondering what my karma is that I’ve been so blind and put my daughter in harm’s way (fortunately she is a bad ass and recently revealed that he tried to put his hand in her underpants when she was nine but she told him loudly and clearly to GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE and neither one ever breathed a word of it to me. x because he. is. the. devil. Beloved daughter because I was newly married and she wanted me to be happy – and as it turned out, something had happened to her at her dad’s even earlier and she’d followed her gut. She tells me now she just thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. BAD ASS. And she’s 5′ 6″ and 105 lbs. – tiny her whole life! I’ve always thought the best thing about her bio-dad is that she’s never had my side of the family’s thighs! ha.)

              • The X was also a Porn addict. Spent into the wee hours in the morning spanking his monkey while I went to bed alone the entire 10yrs marriage. It is just as well…he only wanted blow jobs and anal sex…

              • We are Sister Wives – or married to the same jerk.

                I’ve felt humiliated in my circle of friends because the situation is so sordid. They don’t judge, but I am ashamed.

                To realize this is going on across the nation is both sad and helpful for me. I am so grateful for Chump Lady and the people on this site.

                I just pain shopped and looked at a picture of his smiling face holding up his mug of beer with his fat arm around a 22-year-old cutie pie at the bar where he hangs out every night. I hate that I’m sick and alone (even though I have so so many blessings and advantages) and he’s having the life he wants.

                I wanted to have the life I want to. And I know I still can and I’m working on it but I’ve had a flair up of an illness I’ve been dealing with for two months and it hurts and the meds are making me an emotional wreck and everything feels so unfair blah blah blah.

                This is a great thread today, though. I’ve watched all the videos and songs that people have shared. It really really helps.

                Here’s my offering. It’s ridiculous and I love it: Guy on a Buffalo

              • Roaring & Sweetz: I am horrified on both your behalves. Some of these cheaters are monsters who do not deserve to continue breathing.

              • Roaring, that video made me laugh out loud! Thanks for sharing! And I’m sorry your cheater was such an awful human being, and so proud of your strong daughter! I hope you are feeling better soon. (((Jedi hugs to you!)))

              • That is scary. When I first dated mine he slept on a king mattress on the floor in a small apartment. He is back to a mattress on the floor and proud of it.

            • Or he thinks you’ll feel so sorry for him, living in squalor that you’ll rescue him.

              Nope.

              Continue to marinate in garbage juice.

              • Sweetz and Roaring, I am so glad to hear you are away from such nasty jerks. Also, I had never seen Guy on a Buffalo. I love Guy a on a Buffalo.

        • Cockroaches. My ex told me with pride that his new apartment came with free professional roach spray service monthly! Gee! Ya think that maybe that means you’ve got “room mates” there, Einstein?!?! Nope … Didn’t compute. He just loves freebies!!

      • Hmm…he was never grouchy though. Why would he be? He had his whores and the wife appliance…what more could a man want? I think “Oscar Award” would be a tad bit more fitting since his acting skills pretending to be a Stellar Christian Leader were stunning.

      • (as a punk rocker who was stuck in Texas in the 80s, Roaring, that sounds pretty glamorous, and I’d love to hear some Blondie – Ramones stories if you’ve got any, tbh

        • Ian, surprisingly, I have a lot of brushes with the Ramones. I was an X and a Clash girl. Still am – lots of prescient lyrics.

          I LOVE me some Texas music. Bob Wills, Lyle Lovett…

          • I was thinking afterward The Cramps. Saw them in Austin. Lux.

            I have always been British punk, so yes, The Clash and Pistols, but again you said NYC. Not LA. Listening to Oingo Boingo today. Seriously commercial, I know, but so LA.

            • I met joey Ramone having a smoke in an alley before a concert. I said hey and he said hey. Always loved that man.

  • Two years out from the final D-day when Mr. Sparkles discarded me and our family. One year out from when I filed for divorce. Completed mediation yesterday. I got everything I wanted (and had originally filed for). Divorce should be final by year end.

    The key to success… DOCUMENTATION. I invested countless hours in it and it paid off. It is the only thing a court cares about in the end.

    To the new chumps, stay strong. Brush your teeth today. Take a walk. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get here too. It just takes time.

    To CL and CN… I would not have made it without you. Thank you for showing up.

    Rock on Chump Nation.

  • I wrote what I think may just be one of the most empowering break-up songs of all time. It felt great to write it!!! I’ll have to figure out how to share it with CN, if that’s okay with Tracy. I really appreciate all of you here. It feels good to be home with sane people.

    MT

      • https://www.youtube.com/edit?video_id=XO2JRns1S1M

        I’ll Get Over You
        (Music and lyrics by a strong single woman for every chump who needs a little strength)

        I’ll sever the ties that bind us.
        I’ll cut you out of my mind!
        I’ll purge ever-y-thing that you’ve ever touched,
        Torch all these pictures and burn all your stuff!

        And I’ll get over you.
        I’ll get over you.
        I will get over you!!!
        You’ve made it so easy to do.

        I’ll close the accounts
        and I’ll cut up the cards.
        I’ll change my name and thank my lucky stars,
        That I learned the truth
        While I still had my youth.

        And I’ll get over you.
        I’ll get over you.
        I will get over you!!
        You made it so easy to do.

        At the end of the day,
        You will be a faint memory,
        In piles of dirt on the floor.
        I won’t shed tear, I’ll just smile as I hum,
        And sweep all your dust out the door.
        Gonna sweep all your dust out the door.

        And I’ll get over you.
        I’ll get over you.
        I will get over you!!!
        You’ve made it so easy to do.

        Mark my words and write down this date!
        I’ll forget all about you, as you evaporate.
        Let my final words to you be…

        Fuck You, Asshole. I’m FREE!

      • Thanks. I’m so glad I got up the nerve to share. Tracy, seriously, your site is life-changing. So grateful. I have one I wrote after the first D-day. Had a beautiful toddler at home. A career that was growing. A loving nice husband. So I thought, until the worst D-Day. Then at my immediate dr visit, learned I was pregnant. My fairytale was totally shattered. So, thoughts of despair and anger led me to Cinderella and this original of mine.

        CINDY’S LAMENT
        “Never Marry a Man After Just One Dance”
        https://myspace.com/merrymuses/music/song/cindy-s-lament-10773079-10574263

  • The new development going on next door had a silver lining: my property is now “edge habitat,” and the deer spent most of the fall in my yard instead of just passing through. It’s been quite a show, with nursing babies and fights between the big boys–including one giant 8-point buck. And the wren is back and singing on my back deck.

      • That’s awesome, LAJ. And for every student who sends you flowers, there are hundreds who are also grateful to you but quiet about it.

  • I spent an hour reading a novel and drinking coffee this morning with no drama. My younger child invited a friend to spend the night tonight. This will also occur without drama. There is no longer a raging whirlpool of selfishness swirling at the center of the household preventing the rest of us from making plans or enjoying small pleasures that don’t revolve around him. The opportunity to simply live an ordinary existence without conflict is a joy.

  • My warm, fuzzy Australian Shepherd sleeps on my lap in the evenings while I sit in my recliner. She’s so cuddly. Don’t know what I’d do without her.

    • I have an Aussie as well and he loves to lie on my lap when I sit in my recliner. He is total unconditional love. Having him in my life and my two wonderful sons and daughter-in-law have filled my life in ways I never expected. It has been 5 years for me and almost 1 year since my divorce and I would never have predicted that I would be this happy and contented. I think anyone going through a separation and divorce needs to know that it may take time, but all will be well.

  • My first grandchild was born 3 weeks ago today. My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter are here for their first overnight visit. Best thing that has happened in our family since the divorce. Much love today.❤️

  • On the topic of puppies: My old dog who has a medical condition which is expensive to treat (and who was readily abandoned by the jerk I was married to because the cheating/child abandoning excuse for a female didn’t like him …) learned to play with my son’s three month old black lab. What’s great about that, you might ask? Thunder paws previous to this, HATED puppies. Now he chases her and they tug a toy back and forth and they both are covered in slobber afterwards. But it makes me happy to see him play and enjoy himself.

    Never too old to have fun or try something new! Thunder paws has taught me so much – how to love no matter what, how to smell and breathe, how to truly enjoy a cookie, how to defend what’s yours (he has issues with the foxes that steal birdseed on the porch, and deer – deer must be chased. They are not allowed anywhere near the house), how to be glad to be home or to go for a walk, and how to snuggle on the couch. He’s messy, very clumsy, really big, and inconvenient. But he is sweet and he makes me laugh and be grateful for life (when I thought I didn’t wanted to live). He has my undying devotion for being my dog and for getting me through the last three years. I know it will be hard when the treatments don’t work anymore and I’ll have to say goodbye to this wonderful creature. The grief is the price to pay for love but he’s worth it all.

    • I adore my children and my daughter has a grown up has become a best friend. I love her to the moon and back.

      But canines and cats for the cat folks i love cats by the way but sadly my dogs do not are truly womans best friends. My older boy got me through the last three and a half years of unentangling better than anyone and he was asswipes dog. He left this poor baby behind twice and now this beautiful animal is a true mamas boy. Whore juice and her family have 6 dogs better than his dog. Asshole. But taking off soon and find my pups a big yard and a new home!!!

    • My 2 cats have spooned with me when I’ve been down, one on each side. So comforting to feel them sleeping beside me in the middle of the night. The crazy thing is by the time I finally got him out (Thank you CN!) they had turned on him and each other. They are sisters and sadly don’t get along but will work in unison to show me I’m loved.

  • Want to thank our Veterans today. My father flew in WWII with the US Arny Air Corp (later the Air Force) and made a career out of it. He was a cheater and a barc, but I can be proud he served.

    My oldest son has been in the US Navy for 4 years. So very proud of him and the caring, compassionate young man he is. He has trained to be a domestic violence advocate and suicide prevention advocate for his ship. He has a strong moral code that is awesome to witness. He truly embodies a life of service to others.

    He paints and sends me pictures of the dolphins following the ship. I miss him everyday, but know that he is grounded and mature and is making a great life for himself.

    Kiwi- his ship is headed your way!

    • Wow! Special.

      What an awesome son! I’m always impressed when people have the ability to help others despite whatever is happening with them.

      I work with an amazing woman like that, Marcy, who is definitely one of the Tzadikim Nistarim (in Jewish mysticism there is an idea that as long as there are 36 righteous individuals alive at the same time, our world is going to be fine).

      I don’t know how they do it but I am grateful they walk amongst us.

      I love our children so much.

      • I’m not sure where they are porting when they come visit for your Navy’s anniversary celebration. And it’s been 33 years since one of our destroyers has been to New Zealand. All I know is that he is super excited to visit your country. He’s really hoping to get a chance to explore.

        • Hope he gets to enjoy a bit of our summer down here. Christmas in summer is quite an experience for people from the northern hemisphere. Jandals and pavlova!

          • Sorry, didn’t realise it’s actually next week in Auckland!! Haven’t been watching the news lately with lambing and tailing…

            • Wow, then you must be exhausted at the end of each day. But with it being something you love…it’s a good exhausted. Isn’t it amazing the difference you feel when you it’s something you love versus doing something to the entitled ones specifications?

              I can’t wait to hear my son’s stories of visiting New Zealand. And I’d love to know what jandals and Pavola’s are

              • Jandals are flip flops, a pavlova is a meringue cake topped with whipped cream and slices of kiwifruit or other fruit, I won’t get into an argument about toppings here… Traditional Xmas fare. Invented by Kiwis, don’t believe the Aussie propaganda!!
                Also don’t worry about your son in Auckland, it will be business as usual up there, no earthquake risk.

  • Toddler is FULLY potty-trained (and I mean night-trained too, she was day-trained like a bazillion months ago), for one week as of today! Single moms everywhere rejoice!

  • Last week someone genuinely looked incredulous and said they wouldn’t put me at 60 … they weren’t just being polite. Self-care, I’m assuming, has contributed.

    I made my bedroom my oasis (again) by pushing the bed into the corner, and lining pillows against both walls at 90 degrees. I put my old duvet into a soft cotton duvet cover (a fantastic thrift store find) and got rid of that annoying flimsy sheet and blanket combo that used to tickle my face … I just use the duvet. I bought nice “new” pillowcases for 50 cents each from the same shop.

    I now sleep diagonally … this gives more support under me, and makes me feel enclosed and safe … no more “sleeping on the edge”. Also, the added bonus is more room for my pets on either side who don’t necessarily want to sleep together but want to be with me, and keep me warm and my heating bill low. If I wake up in the middle of the night (too much tea) and can’t get back to sleep, I switch pillows … works like a charm … the coolness on the head of a fresh pillow gets rid of that hot-headed feel.

    I don’t set an alarm most days because my dog, no matter which one of the many rescues I’ve had over the years, wakes me up with the morning light. It helps that I work from home … I can be a little late for work. No laptop, no cell phone beside the bed. On the days I need it, I have a big noiseless old-fashioned alarm clock, a splurge from LL Bean. Before bed, I use coconut oil on face and teeth, and have a lilac-scented all natural room spray I spritz on rare occasions.

    My bedroom is just for me, with just a bed and books and meaningful trinkets and a beautiful curtain I made out of wedding dress material. It’s the best thing I’ve done toward self-care.

    • Oh I’m so looking forward to be able to make my new bedroom my oasis…You described it beautifully, Champ, it seems peaceful and calm and cozy.

    • I can’t wait to make my bed in to an oasis. STBX is leaving a lot, which I’ll sell on a local FB group. Then I’m repainting the walls from his favorite colour to a light, airy blue. I can’t wait.

      And self care is SO important. It sounds like you have it down pat by now 🙂

      • Thanks! I forgot the part where sometimes I get 2 hours sleep because I’m in such huge debt and am working a lot, but those 2 hours in the bedroom are great!!! Now I’m working on actually taking a relaxing bath … I haven’t had one of those in 20 years. 🙂

  • Double sad week as my ex is in town so my youngest has been with him all week.

    But…. I attended a public lecture at the local university — Learned about medieval textiles, and it was interesting
    Made my first ever roast chicken with root veggies and apples, and it was yummy (even the teenager agreed!)

    Little things, CN!

  • I bought my first ugly Christmas sweater yesterday, it even has a dinosaur on it (I’m all about the Jurassic lol)! I intend to wear it out to the movies with three of my nieces who after my life altering split with their uncle have called, text, and visited me as often as they can (they are 9,13,and 15) and I get to tell them I love them, daily.

    The significance of the sweater? Doing something different, every day. I was thrown into this divorced life and instead of choking those who say to me “get comfortable being uncomfortable” I now try something new everyday. A different way to drive to work, reading books I hadn’t given a chance in the past, different recipes (a big thank you to those who posted them today!) and so forth. My feelings of anger and resentment towards my ex are easing, and when they surface I let the discomfort flow through knowing the great things I’m working towards my new life are waiting on the other side.

  • Im afraid to put it in actual writing, BUT…I think I have decided to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree…Im a Diploma Nurse from WAY back but I never got the BSN.

    My family, late spouse and children (who I love but learned how to play me from their father) created a life where I always had to fight against the tide just to get through each day. Im finally in a place where I can do this and new husband has offered to fund the whole project.

    Also, my dogs name is Meatball and he is a love.

    Lastly, I bought my daughter a Kate Spade briefcase for Christmas because she is spending January in London doing a Jan semester studying international Public Relations …she is a Boss Bitch (look it up in the Urban Dictionary)

    • Do it, unicornomore, DO IT! I went back to finish my BA and graduated in May. Going back as an older student (I was 52 when I went back, 54 when I finished) scared me half to death, but it was so. much. fun. You will find some things super hard (for me it was algebra and statistics), but the strength and persistence you’ve cultivated will serve you well. I’d *love* to go back for a Master’s just for the sheer joy of it.

      I have flailed about since graduation because job hunting has changed a lot and I haven’t had paid employment in 20 years. This week the elementary school district finally offered the exam I needed to take and pass in order to apply. I went. While there I learned that there are a ton of sub jobs that I’m already qualified for and I got the extensive application package together — I was so anxious and I did it anyway. Just need to get the LiveScan background check and I’ll be ready to hire.

      So much has been so scary in the past 4.5 years, but I learned that I can survive all of it. Even my worst fears. I survived and all you newbie chumps will, too. You will surprise yourselves with your own strength and grace and sheer grit.

      Go back to school and rock their socks off, unicornomore!

    • Do it unicornomore! I went back to school to get my MS last year and I just finished. It was so hard but so rewarding. I felt so accomplished when I got that diploma! You will learn the joy of having goals in which the goal posts aren’t moved. If you work hard you will get what you set out to achieve! Far better than wasting our lives on a selfish cheater!

      Consider me part of your official cheering section!

    • Do it, Unicornomore, do it! I got my RN BSN at age 52 and it was the best thing I ever did! We will dance at your graduation.

    • Yes, you can do it, unicornnomore! I love reading the stories from others who went back to finish their degrees later in life. After a 13 year gap of studying, I went back to finish my M.A. I’m proud of my accomplishment, even though my parents gave no acknowledgment when I graduated. I knew I put in the hard work to get it done and no one can take that away from me.

      Add me to your list of cheerleaders!

      • Thanks all you guys…Im finally ready to go for my BSN and my colleagues are telling me to go for my MS or PhD…Im flattered at their faith in me but I need to sink my teeth into a bite that I can chew for now and keep my goal a BSN and think about more later.

        I told newhusband that I was thinking of retiring and he said “I don’t care if you graduate and retire and hang it on the wall…you will know that you did it”. It is nice to have such support…the only thing he would NOT be ok with is me not finishing, so the day I take my first class I will have committed to graduating.