In a similar vein to Tell Me How You’re Mighty posts, today I need some uplift. ANYTHING. A close encounter of the puppy kind, a generous neighbor story, the best cupcake you ever ate. Give me something POSITIVE and non-political that happened to you recently. Did your 5-year-old say something cute? Did someone pay you a compliment? Did you pay someone a compliment? Has a stranger committed a random act of kindness that made you go a bit weak-kneed and teary?
Can’t think of anything? Then leave some random encouragement to a chump who might be lurking on this site today and needs to hear that they’re going to be okay. That you care.
Want to do something nice for someone? I recently stumbled over this terrific site — More Love Letters. People submit stories of people they know who are suffering from depression and strangers write letters (the old fashioned kind!) of love and encouragement to them. The addresses are published in the link there. I’m going to get out some of my lovely stationary and write a couple letters to the cause this weekend. You don’t have any lovely stationary? Go find some! Heck, buy a fountain pen if you really want to get fancy.
So that’s your Friday challenge, Chump Nation — be bluebirds of happiness. Be the nice person who gives another person hope. TGIF!
Got a kitten. They really are adorable.
I’ll tell you something good. This week I solved a technical problem (I’m an engineer) that will save my clients up to 36 million gallons of diesel fuel per year. It has nothing to do with riding bicycles or riding buses, etc. It was a pure technical problem that required a complex analysis. While there is much jawboning about saving the earth, real problem solvers are actually making infrastructure more efficient under the motivation of good old capitalism. I’ve worked in communist countries (China) where you don’t get a chance to succeed unless you’re politically connected. I’ll now go back to producing real solutions for the world instead of complaining about how “the white man” is holding me down. That is all.
Yaaaayyyy You, Sisyphus!
It’s the so called ‘little guys’ like you that actually make the world go ’round!
Cheers to you as you ForgeOn!
Myself and my deplorable workmates will continue doing the things that have a real, measurable effect on the standard of living for everyone. Ironically we could have solved this problem long ago if we weren’t pre-occupied rolling out a major unnecessary technological system that was mandated by insane regulations.
Hey, I think your accomplishment is great. No need for the “deplorable” and “white men” digs. I specifically asked for everyone to keep politics off this post.
Thank you.
+1
Just finished rereading Atlas Shrugged, Sisyphus-you give me hope : )
On my end, fixed a plumbing problem in my house by myself. Small thing, but so very important. Also, Meh is unbelievable ; )
Hugs to all of us!
I fixed a tap the other day. I had to get instructions off about 4 people and find the mains. I felt awesome!!!
Wonderful, Sisyphus! Congratulations and keep being awesome.
My son broke his hand Monday and cut his good hand today. Two trips to the ER in one week, looming college application deadlines and a stressful week in my divorce from his stepfather, Dr. Crazy. But he scored a 33 on the ACT and just added his true “dream school” Tulane to his list.
Yeah. Congrats! Love Tulane
That is exciting! I wish him the best in college and a very speedy recovery!
Geode, such a stressful week! Your son is a rock star! That doesn’t just happen. Congratulations all around.
Thanks 2do, Nomore and Roaring. My son really connected with his “charming” and “accomplished” stepfather, as we all did, but came to see the abusive, perverted fraud that he really is. So we encourage each other to keep moving forward, sometimes in baby steps and sometimes in great leaps.
Second that. My cats have given me unconditional love through the last 3 years of pain and grief
Me too my cats are the only reason I get out of bed some days. The pain is a tsunami, but my cats have to eat.
I bought myself a crockpot ! Future ex-husband never wanted one, I intend to try it in my new apartment within the next couple weeks…a symbol for my fresh start away from the looser.
Here is a great/easy/pratical recipe for the CrockPot, It isn’t fancy, though.
boneless chicken breasts (a pound or more)
Taco seasoning pack (or your own blend)
1 cup chicken broth.
Cook on low 6-8 hours or high 4 hours.
Shred meat. You can use this for chicken tacos, burritos, enchiladas etc. I always make plenty and freeze the leftover in small serving sizes.
Thank you Notsurewhat2do ! I knew I could count on CN no matter what…
I’ll try this as quickly as I can, hopefully within the next couple weeks.
You’ll love your crockpot! I recommend “Fix it and Forget it” cookbook. The recipes are submitted by people. Enjoy!
I hope I can find it in France, thank you Martha !
Slow Cooker Kitchen has a Facebook page. And, you can google crock pot/slow cooker and (for example) chicken tortilla soup (delicious) and find recipes.
Buy containers for leftovers!
Off I go and check, thank you Louisvilleflower!
Loulotte2 – where the heck did you find a crock pot in France? I live in France, too, and would love to get one.
Amazon @ Notadoormat ! I knew I’d find a French fellow chump if I started posting after a few months lurking ?
Me too. I live in France AND have a crockpot – yay for us. And the good news, The Inadequate One is back living in the States so the good Lord saw fit to put the Atlantic Ocean between me and him. Life just keeps on getting better.
I brought a crock pot full of chili in to work todzy. Getting ready for a chili cookoff to support Children’s Hospital. Love my crock!
Quicksilver, I’ll need the chili recipe, it’s a dish my kids enjoy a lot…and future ex-husband not at all : two very good reasons I suppose
Love a good crock pot. Put water in the bottom about an inch, put in some pork ribs with salt and pepper. Let it do it’s thing for five/six hours.
Easy and delicious!!!!
Another recipe, looks easy too ! Merci beaucoup This2ShallPass
Pot Roast in the crock pot…..mmmmmm good.
8 hours of slow cooking that roast on Sundays while filling your home with that peerless smell reminds you of what authentic home life is all about.
My kids anticipation of the feast at 5pm reminds us all how grateful we all are to be sitting all together and to reminisce with each other all the while filling our bellies. Life is good.
BTW….the trick to an unparalleled pot roast is adding pearl onions and impaling the roast with garlic. Half beef stock and half wine. 4 pounder all day long.
Yummy!
OK, now I’m hungry ! Too bad I don’t want to use my crockpot now : it’s really something I want to do with me and my kids when the asshole is not around. I will have to wait a little bit, but I copy/pasted the recipe on a sheet. Thank you SureChumpedAlot.
Sure, what kind of wine do you use in this recipe?
Pinot Grigio. Give the roast a small taste of sweet.
Crockpot!!! My crockpot has been with me for 32 years!! It’s a big orange Rival brand from the 70’s and it has provided hundreds of delicious, cheap meals and even more leftovers. After my divorce 2 years ago and purchase of my new house, my crockpot was THE FIRST item I brought into the house after I got the keys. It was very symbolic for me. My crockpot reminds me that I can feed and nurture myself through thick and thin. It symbolizes my survival. I wish you the best of luck with your new crockpot! It’s easy and fun and rewarding!
Maybe we need a Chumpnation Cook Book!
This is exactly how I feel, Flowerlady. It’s a symbol of my hard earned freedom and survival.
And I agree for a CN Cook Book ! Thank you for your kind words.
Awesome idea! Seems a lot of cheater freaks find lots to complain about when it comes to meals / food. So, as we go forward with our cheater-free lives, many of us get to relax in that department & fix what WE love, our children love. And delete what we don’t!
I am decidedly NOT a cook! But, I did sorta find my ‘inner chef’ once I was no longer bowing to all the cheater’s demands / complaints about meals & food. Therefore, I have some simple meal ideas I would love to share!
I agree ForgeOn! I’m no great chef either, but there will never be over cooked food in my house ever again…I want to taste what real meat and crunchy vegetables taste like…
Oh my god true! My cooking was never good enouh for STBXH. And when I would cook exactely what he wanted and how he wanted it, he would fail to notice or say something nice. Fucker.
I love the cookbook idea, too. Recipes like “Fidelity Fried Chicken,” or “Gained A Life Gumbo.”
And for the cheaters, Fuck You Flan (because who wants to waste dessert calories on something that doesn’t contain chocolate?).
Hahaha.
Maybe our wine selections could be called The Grapes of Wrath?
Excellent, Roaring!
I highly recommend finding “Dump” recipes online for crock pot meals. Cut and portion everything, dump it all (uncooked) into a freezer bag, freeze, and you’re done! The night before you want to make it, defrost in the fridge, and the next morning you can just pour the contents into your crock pot and go! It’s great for making multiples of the same meal to have on hand, or when you find a great deal on things like chicken breasts and can stock up.
I will also need a freezer in my soon to be home I guess, merci kaycan ?
Kaycan, I just pulled my crockpot last week. I will use your prepare ahead of time suggestion. TY. xoxoxoxox
Google “chicken stuffing green bean crockpot.”
Sooo good. Personally I use a frozen 16oz bag of blue lake green beans. Yum yum yum!
http://www.familyfreshmeals.com/2015/02/creamy-crockpot-chicken-stuffing-green-beans.html
Another copy/paste for me, thanks for sharing AlohaFreedom !
I just stepped out into the pre-dawn to let my precious little dog outside. It smells like the holidays; the sky was lightening, and I can hear the sweet sound of freight trains, which is one of the most comforting sounds I love. It reminds me of my childhood.
My son is on the radio, doing his morning drive time program, and through the miracle of modern technology, I can listen from a distant city. He’s a good man.
And I’m drinking a cup of Hazelnut coffee from my Keurig! I was up all night seething about the election, but the sun is coming up, and it’s going to be a beautiful day.
I understand that my son also does a radio show somewhere in Montana. I have asked him when I might catch it online and he wont tell me (attempts thusfar to find it have failed) but I am happy for him!
unicornnomore, I lived in Montana for several years and worked in television so try the bigger markets like Missoula, Bozeman or Billings.
Missoula, yea
My 10-year old neighbor next door likes to do little things with me. He came over and helped me make invitations to a neighborhood open house. Then we went around and delivered the invitations. He planned games for the children. On the day of, one of the adults stepped in and provided support to the children’s games, and the children ran and laughed and played: glorious. Others carved pumpkins. Some were content to sip tea and eat pie, or tortillas and beans. Some brought samboosa.
Like you said, Chump Lady, love can and does return to our lives. The kindness and joy of my neighbors brought great happiness to me.
I finally accepted that it’s ok to do things for myself and not be bothered by what others think. It’s ok to move upward and onward (and far away!!!) from exH to make a new life for myself and my daughters. He chose to think and do as he wished while we were married. Why not me? Why not now? After all, we are divorced! It’s not selfish to think and do for my family, for me. If not me, who???
mickeyblueeyes just wrote an astounding and magnificent post in the forum, Fix yourself and not them. Go on and read it. It is exactly what I needed today to finalize this new life I’m making for my family and well, for myself. We are so worth it!
TodoVa I just read the first paragraph and though to my self “Yep she gets it, This is it, this is what we all need to do.”
…then read your second paragraph. Kind words.
This is exactly what we need to do! And again, thank you. The extent to which I no longer feel anything for the exH is because of this site and powerful posts such as yours!
Very nice TodoVa. I will certainly read what mickeyblueeyes wrote. It’s so hard to take the focus off of him for once and put the focus on me. I feel my whole life has been about focusing on others instead of myself. It’s really hard to change that mindset. Baby steps. We can do it!
Martha-
Focusing on “him” is no different than focusing on a shoe box. All you will get back is nothing but empty.
Take your love and focus on others that deserved to be focused on – kids, family, friends *and* YOURSELF! This will fulfill you, I promise.
Thank you, SureChumpedAlot. I know you are right. I’m looking forward to Meh and I know I’ll get there faster by doing what you said. Thank you.
….and don’t forget Martha….we are all proud of you!
I’m proud of you, too, SureChumpedAlot and all the other chumps who get out of bed each day, brush our teeth, take a shower, make it thru the day and take positive steps to gaining a cheater-free, wonderful life!
One last thing Martha….Read on down on my post below on “all good things come in 3’s”. This is why I give you 3 smiley faces first!
Okay, I’m heading down the list soon.
Your a bit later home from work than expected, one son is messaging to see where you are. Another son is phoning to see how long you are going to be, he’s starving. You enter the house and the cats come bounding down the stairs from the bedroom, as they have been there all day and they instinctively know it’s me. “Hi Mum, how was your day?”, a voice from the living room.
Positive note – my life is full, I have so much love around me, even the cats think I’m awesome! For anyone still “in it”, get rid of the fuck wit from your life! Those “where are you Mum?” messages and texts will not longer feel like pressure, they will make you feel alive, loved and a worth while person!! Something that an abusing, cheater never ever wants you to feel! Xx
Very nice!
The unconditional love of children and pets — the best!
I felt that at 5 am this morning. Cat, little dog and 15 year old daughter who couldn’t sleep because of last week’s time change all in my bed snuggling until the alarm.
Bestsy66,
This is perfect. I used to feel the pressure of being late and “What do you want to do for dinner?” as he sat on his cheesy puff recliner. Not any more. I love coming home to my dogs. They’re happier then they’ve ever been. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long while. You said it, “Get rid of the fuck wit.” It does get better.
Still in mourning- I got nothing.
Got my oil changed and bought new glasses. Something accomplished from out of my bed covers. Does that count?
Absolutely that counts WiseOldOwl! Maybe your new glasses will give you a better focus on life and you will see your cheater for who they really are…a big shit!
absolutely, wise. cheers and hugs to you!
Everything you do counts WiseOldOwl! It’s not easy in the beginning but the pain really is finite and all of chump nation will be here to cheer you on or prop you up when you need it.
Jedi hugs to you!
I keep waking up and it is Monday. When will my Tuesday arrive?
Getting up and being doing what needs to be done at this point for you is an amazing accomplishment. It gets better even though it feels like it never will. One day at a time. Try to find something to do every day that brings you just a few minutes of pleasure and savor them. It’s hard but you will make it!
WiseOldOwl,
It feels like you will never recover, but you will. There are many of stages of recovery that you will cycle through over and over. I spent the first year in bed overwhelmed by ptsd and depression. During the next stage, I became angry. I got to work, tripled my income and love, love, love spending all my free time with my growing children. Next stage? Emotion free focus on getting the best settlement for my children and myself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. You are mighty
WiseOldOwl – hang in there. There’s nothing better than new glasses and I hope you look fabulous in them. I salute you for getting out of bed! Baby steps, baby. You’ve got this!
Every little bit counts WiseOldOwl, every moment of your post-cheater life is a victory!
Some of these moments are actively spent doing things, some moments are just about being there to acknowledge that building a cheater-free life is an exhausting journey.
Like all who commented here, I am rooting for you, forge on WiseOldOwl!
Oil change and glasses are major accomplishments when you’re world is in chaos. You also reached out to your fellow Chumps. Supportive human contact is very important. We’re here for you.
You got out of bed. You are winning!
It can’t get any worse, and IT WILL get better. Swear!
WiseOldOwl, every single member of Chump Nation is pulling for you!!! I just said a prayer for you right here at my desk.
Give yourself credit for EVERYTHING. Even breathing in and out, which some days feels like hard labor. I promise that it gets better! I learned to judge my progress month to month rather than day to day.
Also, I got a good laugh from this meme during those early, hardest days: If I don’t kill someone, does that mean I saved someone’s life? Or something like that.
Your mightiness is growing day by day!!! Hugs to you, Dear Friend!
Way to go wise! I remember those bed days. I want to thank my bed for being there. I’d take my iPad,phone,diary and just be. Going out to face people was hard. I felt that everyone could see my pain. But bit by bit it changed. Bed is still a sanctuary but I no longer dread life. Know that CN is a place where every single person actually understands you because we’ve been through it. Drop us a line any time from wherever
WiseOldOwl, you are here. You are safe here. You will make it. Read all the archives. Journal. Hot baths and epsom salts. Lots and lots of sleep.
WiseOldOwl, this soon after Dday this is big stuff. I remember just laying in bed sick to my stomach, shaking, so anxiext-ridden I actually had to tell myself to breathe. I finally realized I hadn’t eaten or showered in days. As I said in another post, I told myself to get in the shower or I would draw flies. Anything beyond comatose is a MAJOR feat! xoxoxoxoxox! Stay strong….this pain is finite, I promise!
WiseOldOwl
Every day do something for yourself. You are a wonderful person. I believed this stage would never end. It will! Sending love and strength to you. You matter!
I found a 1.5 week old abandoned kitten on 10/28. A few days later, she stopped eating and was having tremors. After two days in the kitty hospital, they thought she had an incurable neurological disorder. She has made a full recovery, however, and her vet thinks she’s going to be just fine (fingers crossed).
No matter what, she’ll always be mine and will receive the best home and the best care I can give her. She is a fighter — and winner — against nearly insurmountable odds and she’s my inspiration these days to keep my head up and keep going.
I wish I could paste her pic here – she’s ADORBS!
Humans should be more like animals. Your kitten will appreciate you and always be glad to see you and give you affection. They generally don’t complain about anything but truly appreciate what they have!
18 mos ago on by boyfriends bday I rescued a kitten from a busy road (at the intersection of Wildcat Drive – fate!) At the time I had an old & non cat-friendly dog w/ cancer. So, viola- instant bday present. Started out with the goal of being a barn kitty, but those two have a bromance no one would’ve ever believed. And his two dogs are great with the kitty too.
Fast forward to my dog’s passing. After a few months I was having withdrawals. Bf got me a chihuahua pup for Christmas & she hit it off with all his critters (my old dog didnt & we always had to keep them separated).
Especially the cat. She’s lonely on the days we don’t stay at bf’s place, so I thought about getting a kitten. But I’d just bought a townhouse & met the sweetest neighbor kitty ever. He comes over every day to hang out & play with the pup. It’s perfect & there’s nothing that makes me smile like watching their Garfield & Odie antics.
Just today I unpacked some silk plants & the cat’s having a blast hiding in the “jungle” & pouncing anyone/thing that walks by.
I’ve always had just dogs (bred & trained for many years), butt now I totally get how the crazy cat lady thing can happen. Lol
Pets are truly the best medicine.
Forgot to mention that the rescued cat, now 1.5 yrs, had a sudden & pretty severe seizure last wk. It was so alarming & he was pretty out of it for a day or two, but has made a full recovery. I had an epileptic dog once & thankfully she only seized a few times in her 12 yrs. Hoping this will be true for the cat as well.
My chocolate lab is epileptic. He was Fucktard’s dog but too much trouble with his seizures, medicine, and hell, you have to feed and water them as well as let them run outside. He was having seizures for over two hours and after I booted Fucktard out, I took him back to the vet. I told her that the seizures are getting much worse and that I know that Fucktard has explained them to her several times, but I needed to tell her again. She just looked at me. He hadn’t followed up with her at all and she thought they were under control. My poor baby spent over a year with cluster seizure and on the wrong medicine. Fucktard lied about talking to the vet. I got new medicine and he has about 2 ten minute seizures a year now. And, he’s happier than he’s ever been.
I went to a household auction and got some really good items for a fraction of the retail price. Their previous owners might have died, but they will be appreciated and used going forward as this Chump rebuilds her life on a much smaller budget.
A Potato ricer for the smoothest mashed potato ever! A stainless steel vacuum flask for my morning tea on my commute. And, best of all, a set of kitchen steps so I can reach into my top cupboards!
PS any Americans got a wonderful meatloaf recipe to share with me? It has to be one that is made from scratch and mention the seasoning.
1 pound of the best quality hamburger you can get
1 small vidalia onion chopped small
1 clove garlic crushed or grated small
1 egg scrambled
2 slices cheap bread torn into small pieces
3/4 cup milk
1 tsp ground sage
1/2 tsp salt
Mix together well with your hands and press into glass loaf pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minuges
Topping … Mix 1/4 cup ketchup, 1 tbsp brown sugar, and 1 tsp worcestire sauce. After baking meatloaf for the 50 minutes, spread topping over loaf and bake 10 more minutes.
The garlic and sage make this to die for!!
I always use two cloves of garlic, but I’m Italian!!
Golly, I will be over at 5:00pm Dixie!!
I need to feed my cold, ya know?
Strawberry ice cream for dessert!
Dang Dixie, strawberry ice cream – I’m there!
I will bring Beethoven.
Delicious low-carb recipe
1 lb ground turkey
1/2 yellow onion finely chopped
1 beaten egg
1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
2 T Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons onion powder (optional)
3 T ketchup or tomato paste
Mix all items and put into baking loaf dish
Bake uncovered 350 degrees F for 35 min or until juices run clear.
Serve with roasted-creamed cauliflower and a green salad.
Yum!
Looks like we have a really good start on that CN Cookbook. What is it, 5 or 6 recipes so far in the comments?
And I haven’t even finished reading to the end of this lovely conversation.
Just in case that idea falls thru, I have been copying the recipes to my “Word” program.
What an precious bunch of humans we have here at ChumpNation!
Here’s to all as we ForgeOn! with our culinary skills!
Thanks everyone! I asked from scratch not because of snobbery, but because we don’t have any meatloaf helper or ready mix around these parts.
Really love the suggestions!
I sent this beautiful advert to my friends in the US to cheer them up post election trauma
Love it!
Thank you, Digbert…..still smiling!
It’s great isn’t it? I sat there bleary eyed at 4:30am this morning with the cat wanting his brekkie and the 5am obligatory gym session beckoning and I felt a bit low contemplating possibly another commute to work …….. and then I watched this via my friends in the UK and I felt alive and happy! ?
John Lewis is the favourite brand in the UK, it is a fabulous shop, a department store like Maceys. Every year, the John Lewis advert signals the start of Christmas in the UK and we all wait for it, they always make everyone cry. This year, they went for happy as 2016 has been a difficult year, didn’t they do well? Totally love it! All our favourite Woodland animals, the hedgehog is the best in my opinion. Do you have hedgehogs in the US? Anyway, definitely has the feel good factor!!! Much love to all!
Thanks Digbert! That will leave me smiling all day!
This was priceless Digbert. You have successfully inspired me. Thank you.
Adore!!
The bouncing hedgehog made me laugh out loud!
Check this out: http://giphy.com/gifs/136t38fGquezSM?utm_source=iframe&utm_medium=embed&utm_campaign=tag_click
I think this is the beginning of a movement! Yay!
I’m MEH. 15 months out from D-day and the subsequent fucking tides of pain and emotional hell I actually survived it all. Enough said.
Wow you are so mighty. I have a long way to go.
I had an unexpected and difficult tooth extraction yesterday – after a sleepless post election week, I sat in the dentists chair and wept as they prepared for the procedure.
But then I got to thinkin’
I have a boss who is understanding of me needing to duck out of the office to go to the dentist
I live in an era of wonderful dentistry
I have dental insurance (thank you divorce lawyer)
I have the means to run to the store and pick up yogurt and soup post precedue
I have loving people who care that I had a tooth yanked out
When crawled into bed last night, jaw swollen and bruised, I wept again in gratitude and appreciation for a wonderful all providing universe
Yea. Sometimes I get like this. The small mercies are so overwhelming.
My 72-year old mother comes every Thursday afternoon/evening. She watches the baby, makes dinner, and does a few household chores around the house. Not a ton, just enough that it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. She is my rock and I am so incredibly blessed to have her.
You truly are blessed. It is awesome that she can still help and does! Enjoy every day you have with her!
That’s so wonderful!
You are blessed to have a mom like that.
Yes simple stuff like this is wonderful. My 75 year old mum text me today to ask if she could buy me a gadget that kept half an avacado fresh in the fridge. Simple things like this make me smile.
Oh and she also text me the other day to say how proud of me she is
I have several people in my life who check on me, but my mom is my “main” support person. I am soooo grateful to have her. She told me not too long ago that she admired me for getting through so much. And here, I have been thinking how much I admire her for just stepping in to help and love not just me but my kiddos.
I want to grow up to be just like her (says the 45-year old!)
After years of loss of self confidence, trauma and pain I followed a friends advice and joined a running club. I am three weeks in and I am feeling so much better. Exercise really works and the pain I am now suffering is mainly in the knees and quads. My mood has definitely lifted.
I will be doing a 5K in December, well a slow mincing hobble probably but hey that doesn’t matter.
Love to you all and thank you chump nation for being here
Hey! Let’s hear it for the slow, mincing hobblers! That’s exactly how I run. I think that should be a team name.
Yea, Polly! Running saved me from falling into a pit of depression. 3yrs out and I’m still going. I’ve set new personal goals for myself. It all began with just trying to get to 2miles, then a 5k at 30min, on and on.
Hmmmm….. Maybe there should be a Chump5k- gaining a life run.
Love the idea! At one race, I considered writing “I run for Chumps” on the back of my shirt!
Slow mincing hobble FTW! I completed my first SMH 5K back in May, and last month I’m proud to announce I achieved a SMH 10K! Anything is possible. I’m so glad running is helping you to regain some emotional equilibrium. It also temporarily eases runny nose when you have a cold, as I’m discovering this week.
Fantastic, Polly! After all the trials & tribulations, you deserve to feel great!
Great job, Polly! People keep telling me to exercise as I will “feel better.” I just don’t have the energy. I think I’m in a vicious cycle?
Martha: It really does work; start with a 5 minute walk. Next day, 6 minute walk. Day after–6 minute walk a little faster….. Pretty soon you’re skipping.
Okay, Tempest, I will.
I now live in a lovely, tree-lined neighborhood with sidewalks, so I now have no excuse for not getting a walk in each day (no sidewalks by my old apartment.) Thank you for the encouragement. 
Martha,
My sister and I took our dogs out this afternoon to a county park we haven’t been to yet. The park was wonderful and well groomed. The kids were running, birds were chirping, it was a perfect adventure. Then three hours in, winding our way through the switch-backs, we were mumbling to ourselves about the lack of properly marked trails. I think I may have even made a comment about coming back with cans of spray paint instead of breadcrumbs to find our way home. I told my sister if the cops caught us not to use the word tagging, “Honest officer, we’re marking the trails, not tagging them.” Anyway, I was thinking we would star in a Survivor spin-off and I’d have to trade my bra for peanut butter when we found the road about an hour later. You know New York has wonderful parks, so if you go farther than the neighborhood, bring a compass, paint, and an extra bra for trade.
Yay, Polly!
I took up mountain bike riding. I am the slowest cyclist in the field, but who cares. I am off the sofa and out there.
Yeah. This.
Personally, though, I grow super bored when running or cycling on roads; however, I love running and biking (and skiing) on trails. It’s a double whammy of goodness in that I get the south tress relief that comes with both physical exercise and time in nature, seeing wildlife and beautiful landscapes. If you run or bike, try a trail run.
Of course, I also really enjoy slower activities such as berry picking and fly fishing, as these repetitive motions wash way stress and help to clear and focus the mind.
I love that my kids, dog, and I, have soooo much more time to spend outdoors without my ex-wife’s influences and demands on our time. It’s liberating.
Time in nature, especially with my young kids or old dog, prepares me mentally and physically for life’s challenges, while reminding me that there is much beauty in the world.
See reply about to Martha. I love hiking and frequently get lost. If you’re ever in New York and pass a blonde more than once, and she’s muttering to herself as she’s spray painting red, green, yellow or blue marks on trees, point her the way out please.
especially if she’s walking around without a bra on.
God how you make me laugh!
We live in a world with music like this:
Who is that sexy motherfucker? Dang.
Lovely.
Amazing, VulcanChump. Had to look him up, as I am not current with musical talent (tho’ VN is waking me from my slumber in these matters).
He is only 24 (!!!!!! really folks, 24) and has preternatural talent. I read that he was a professional magician at age 10. Someone to watch for. Someone creating beauty.
Did I mention born in 1992??
Thanx for the introduction, VC, V
I got laid. Ok that was TMI, but the guy was way too young. I felt pretty damn good that I bagged that lol.
High five! Made me smile
Hahahahahahahaha! I need to get off Lexapro so my libido comes back! Thanks for the laugh!
LOL, that’s awesome!
Gooooo Cougars! Score!!!
Thanks, I’m only 34 so I’m not sure I qualify for team cougar yet
Just a kitten, but you have it going on, DemHoez.
Is it TMI to say that I still hope to report the same??
I would be stopping strangers on the street (to TELL them, CN ~~ not to get it!!).
Nice, V
?
What the heck is that emoji ~~ kinda looks like a piggy. Can it be????
Hope so. xxx, V ?
Oops, my bad. It is a kitten! Sheesh.
And I meant I would be the piggy. Definitely Not DemHoez.
OMG. I’d better go lie down and STFU! Ha, V
You can warm the bench!
Cradle robber! LOL! Good for you and your self-esteem.
Me too! I had only ever been with my ex. I feel so much better now!
?
Me too! So strange and wonderful to have a generous lover.
Wooohoo! It’s amazing what getting laid by someone else than the ex can do to one’s self confidence. I got laid myself about a month ago. It was the best sex I’ve EVER had. A-fucking-mazing! I need me some more of that…
Do tell. How old was he?
Hehe yes, I am curious too. I am a 35 y/o single mom of toddler and this very handsome, 28 y/o old has the biggest crush on me (not sure he knows my age or mom-status)… but for a bunch of reasons (godammit) I really shouldnt go there so I wont, but still flattering
That’s AWESOME! *high five*
A co-worker who met me in the middle of my break-up/divorce told me yesterday that she is proud of how strong I have become and how many things I have accomplished on my own. I owe you, Tracey, and TN for this.
You are strong!! Anyone who goes through this and who not only holds it together but starts to thrive is strong. We are mighty!!
Co-workers are amazing! And so are you! <3
Last week, two of my middle school students gave me unsolicited “compliments.” I was having a bad hair day so I put my hair up and one student told me, “Your bun is lit!” Then another day a student told me “Your eyebrows are on fleek.” That’s why I love my seventh graders!
“Lit” and “on fleek”???? Compliments don’t come higher than that; congrats!
I’m going to have to take your word for it Tempest. I’m guessing they are phrases that would should show up on a list of things people over 30 aren’t allowed to say anymore? Is totes adorbs already outdated?
Yup, sorry, “adorbs” definitely on the dated list.
Don’t worry, many of us are in this boat. Most of what I say is on the outdated list (“fab”!), but I have a 15 year old who keeps me up on a few key terms in between rolling her eyes. Apparently my emoji use is pretty appalling too. Just for kicks, I like to send my children the woman with her hands on her head, and then her hands crossed in front of her, followed by “Hey, macarena!” I feel it’s my maternal duty to allow my daughters to bond over the shared view that “Mom is so embarrassing.”
Yes! Teenagers! I have 2 but teach 7th and 8th graders too. So I got, “Your eyeliner is on point.” And, “You’ve got swag.” (I thought that was outdated but apparently not.)
I tell them to keep things on the down low, but they tell me that’s ancient and what I meant to say was low key. Lol
Hahahaha.
My 14-year-old son is mortified by my use of emojis, so naturally I respond to his every text with a string of the most random emojis I can find.
Hahahaha. I can’t tell the smiley faces apart – all of them are too small and I don’t understand how to read them in a “sentence” anyway. I usually just type “smiley face emoji” when I want to use one.
And I don’t know how to text efficiently either. It takes a long time. Once, when texts were new, my daughter was in the emergency room at 4:00 am with a burst ovarian cyst. She received a text from a concerned friend but I responded to it (as her) as she was in pain..
Her friend told her later that he assumed she was in hospital having a psychotic break because her response was in complete sentences. With capital letters.
Lol
Apparently no end punctuation is very important as well.
ha ha ha!
Poor girl that sounds agony.
Bwahahaha! You just made me choke on my icecream!
That’s awesome Tempest ????!
I too REVEL in letting my kids bond over how much of an outdated nerd I am. They love it and and we have a lot of fun just being ourselves.
Truth is I am probably a pretty interesting guy for my age (48) brcause I am blessed to have an interesting occupation which I love and am good at, and as a result my work regularly gets public attention. Even my 17 year old stepson tells me of how cool his friends and coworkers think my work is, and that they respect my small accomplishments.
So, I like to ensure that my kids know, first and foremost, that really I am huge goof and an embarrassing Dad. Nothing special because of my carerer accomplishments. My ex wife likes to paint the picture of how perfect she is, and they must be – image management anyone? Too bad the kids and I are busy geeking out and a having a ton-o-fun together!
Forest for the Trees–the kids know the fun parent, is (and which parent always has their back). Good for you making their lives enjoyable AND safe.
Not sure how old your kids are, but a book I can highly recommend is A Lithgow Palooza! by John Lithgow (the actor). It is filled with zany activities to do with children of all ages (for the kid in all of us!).
Thanks Tempest. I’ll check out that book.
My kids range in age from 17 to 4. With one in the middle. We have alot of activities we enjoy in common already, many of which they got me into to, and that we enjoy together at every opportunity. It’s great.
We’ve always been like this and that part of our lives has continued, and even thrived, now that we don’t have the daily stress of walking on egg shells around a disordered, selfish wife/mother. It’s just become so much easier. I try to impart on my kids the importance of being authentic with one another – which I think comes naturally for them.
Wednesday’s post election column has 622 comments. I challenge Chump Nation to post *more* than 622 comments on this column. To show there is more that unites people of goodwill than divides us, more joy in the universe than pain. God bless Chump Nation.
I’ve been saving this thread for this evening. Parked in front of my computer, kids in bed reading, got icecream and tea (Yay Sensodyne!). Reading all the great comments and trying to leave nice comments where I can!
Love your new avatar CDL!
Thank you! I am a rockstar after all!
nomar, your challenge has been met and surpassed. Congratulations to CN as you have shown there is more that unites people of goodwill than divides us.
Spoke to the senior partner at my lawyers office yesterday. He feels that with as much dirt as I have on Miserable Vomitus Mass( yes, I loved that so much I stole it!) that if we can get mediation done in the next 2 weeks (mandatory in my state) I might get the divorce final on Dec 1st. Freedom! Glorious freedom!
Hooray!!
Cautious hooray from me! Hoping an early December divorce for you!
My divorce will be one week from today. I’m finishing the second week of my new job, a good, full-time job using skills I’ve honed and an intellect I had suppressed under layers of low-level anxiety, sensing something was wrong but not knowing what. I am living as an authentic person, without his decades of lies. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s better–and getting better every day!
Oh, and DemHoes, I, too got laid!!!!!!
+ 1 lol
AWESOME
While none of us know what the future holds you are rocking this Sionsra!
Awesome Sionara! I’m just under one week away myself! I can hardly wait! The future will be glorious!
+1 for getting laid!
I just deleted a political post. You want to fight about the election, there is another post for that. I’m keeping things POSITIVE and encouraging here.
There is the rest of the internet for the rest of the crap.
Oh, and if anyone wants to chide me about letting politics get on my blog in the first place? It’s my bully pulpit here. I pay $300+ a month for the privilege plus countless hours maintaining a support site. It’s not a democracy here — I created this place. There are over 2000 posts on this site that have jack shit to do with politics. I am horrified, like half the nation, at what’s ahead. You don’t agree? FINE. 99.9 of this blog has zilch to do with my politics.
I’m moving past the subject — and I DO NOT WANT IT HERE ON THIS POST. I fucking HATE moderating my site. I don’t want to knock heads, and God knows, I’ve imposed on Tempest (chief head knocker and first troll defense.)
But! But! You started it, Tracy!
SEE SENTENCE ABOVE. We’re DONE here. My political feelings are expressed on Twitter and my Tracy Schorn Facebook site. Follow me there. The blog is now returning to its regularly scheduled program.
Thank you for keeping this site a place where we can come to heal, not fight. I have been so blue, for many reasons. But the people I love have been so concerned and supportive. Both my daughters sent me beautiful flowers, with heart felt messages. Gardening is what keeps me sane, so I took two days off from work and have started my winter flower garden, So far, I have planted pansies, violas, snap dragons and dianthus. I am waiting for my bulbs to arrive and, in the meantime, I have been preparing my beds for winter. My garden is better than any anti-depressant ever invented. Oh, and it looks like I am going to have a bumper crop of key limes, Meyer lemons, and tangerines. Even some of my temperamental herbs are behaving!
Ahhhhh Ian, you sweet thang!! I know this is for violet, and she so deserves it!
But it really touched me, for some reason.
Blessings, V
Always a blessing to hear from you, Virago.
I was just riffing on Børnes’s butterfly and the tangerine blossoms. Voila.
Don’t stay silent, my man.
I miss your voice! ??
Leonard Cohen was a bit of a stretch for me for some reason. I always sought out female vocalists, so Match Girl introduced me to him, really.
(posting youtube works with preview when you leave the “s” off of the “https” in the URL)
http://youtu.be/YrLk4vdY28Q
Don’t know if this is authoritative, but it’s a very good organ player here. And the lyric:
“Well, maybe there’s a god above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you”
I don’t think Leornard was a chump, but this lyric makes him seem like he was wounded first at least once.
I hate 2016!
http://youtu.be/YrLk4vdY28Q
http://youtube.com/YrLk4vdY28Q
No reply button, Ian! Thanks, honey. This is a beautiful piece. And yes, he was hurt often by women. Betrayed by his female friend (“part of his family”) who embezzled his money late in his life. Forever in love with Marianne, for whom he wrote lovely, poetic expressions near her death not ;long before his own. Remarkable. Always a gentleman when I met him on the streets of our city, standing out by his elegance and charm, tipping his hat to me (a stranger).
I just copy/paste the youtube address and it brings it fully here. Just lucky:
And that, chumps, is a beautiful model of setting healthy boundaries. Spot on, CL.
+1
I appreciate your thick skin
Yes, Sir, Boss!
Your rules and they make absolute sense.
Thank you CL! I haven’t been here in quite a while..for the longest time it put my head back in that bad place you all helped me escape but trying to escape the election I came back here (which remained one of my favorites) and I am once again reassured (I peeked from time to time) that I wasn’t letting anyone down here by staying away. My how the site has grown! ???So my good things are – barely ever think about that monster, I went back to painting and have actually sold some of my art, and I think the most important thing to me is I am a rock for my two grown girls and my Grands and that means the most. They were SO there for me and I love being healthy enough to switch roles again. Love you all!!! ‘Specially you CL! ??
I’ve been working construction after my wife left, great pay but long hours and at 52 I’m pretty tired when I get home..Tuesday night I got home and just fell asleep on my bed. My daughter came home a little later and woke me up with a Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell..made my night..love that kid
??❤️
Tuesdays are just the best KB, right?
They sure are buddy!
<3 Very sweet of her!
Ahhh. I love it when I hear of kids being sweet to their parents. It really is the seemingly small things that are so great.
I jumped back into the PT paid work world this year consulting a smallish foreign start-up. I have busted my buttocks placing my client in secondary and tertiary segments where their product is an obvious fit. Found out late last month that they are a finalist for an big recognition award in the first market segment that they initially hired me for consult work.
Yay!
Side note to chumps who left their careers to support the careers of their chumps- I left my job in the mid-90’s to support asshat’s climb up the ladder. During that time I had 4 kids, a few foreign moves and a few domestic moves as a SAHM.
Asshat is considered successful by his title. And I will ALWAYS remember how the CIO of a major retail pharmacy bluntly reminded him, when be was telling her of his last promotion, to never forget that he didn’t get there by himself. Never forget the people in the background (us chumps) are a big part of the reason they achieve success.
My point to chumps who left their career-building jobs for 5+yrs is to get out there and begin to volunteer in organizations that speak to you. Gain relevant, updated knowledge in a field of your interest. Apply your existing skills because they are relevant. Even your new chump skills. Jobs can be found via networking and for some us older contributors, networking is the best way to overcome Ageism in the hiring process.
*support Cheaters* not chumps
Staying home to raise kids put such a hole in my resume that my job skills became outdated. I’m back at school fine-tuning my science background for a new career – will graduate at the age of 48! ANC’s comment about networking is so true. Perhaps we should start a “LinkedIn for Chumps”!
Well said, ANC.
Although why people prefer young people when they can have a mature, grateful experience older person is beyond me.
Wowza – I don’t know what any of this means but I’m impressed as shit!!!! Swear to God – this makes me want to update my resume and make another career push. Thank you for the inspiration!!
Good job!
And I totally agree with the fact that us stay at home chumps, who’ve raised the kids and cared for the home are just as important in the making of a corporate career as the person in the actual career. My cheater could not have climbed the ladder like he did if it hadn’t been for me. I found his college, I suggested people to contact for employment after college, I took care of kids, house and dogs. Dinner was always on the table for him when he came home. I always worked my ass off to stretch the dollar, to compensate for his spending habits, so that we could afford more. I never nagged. I would ask once, and if it wasn’t done, I would do stuff myself, without trying to be resentful. A lot of us stay at home chumps made our spouses lives very easy, and they’ll be surprised when they get out in to the real world, without us coddling them.
Yes, yes, and yes. My ex has no idea how to manage life or finances on his own. Rude awakening straight ahead!
I give you two heartwarming stories in the news I’ve run across over the last month. If you Google “McDonald conjoined twins”, you’ll read about 2 beautiful baby boys who were conjoined at the head, who’ve been surgically separated, and are doing well!! Literally brain surgery, people. Their mother, Nicole Mcdonald, has a Facebook page with pics of the separated babies and that they’re progressing each day.
The other story I’d have you Google is Dr William Petit, who 9 years ago lost his entire family in a horrific home invasion, got remarried a few years ago, has a new baby boy, and just this week got elected to State legislature.
Not puppies, but stories of rebirth, renewal, hope through devastating tragedy, new beginnings, rising through adversity, never giving up and perseverance.
Peace to all.
I remember the Petit story from the news! That was horrific.
I’m in my first job, post child birth. First job in 7 1/2 years. It’s nothing fancy, I’m “just” a cashier. But I’m hellbent on not remaining a cashier forever. The quote from Legally Blonde comes to mind: But if I’m going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I’m 30, I need a boyfriend who’s not such a complete bonehead.
So, I’m busting my butt. One of my supervisors came to me the other day and told me to go work on a lane. I asked why (I’ve been on self checkout lanes a lot lately), and he said: Because you’re so good at it. You’re a rockstar wherever I put you.
But yeah, if I’m going to make store manager by the time I’m 40, I’m going to need to work hard, and not have a bonehead husband.
6 more days!
It’s wonderful to see you get recognition for your intelligence, your work ethic, and your drive. That’s light years from being devalued by a cheater. Rockstar!
Congrats, CDL!!!
Great job, CDL! We all know you WILL make store manager some day! And you are not “just” a cashier. ALL jobs are important!! This is a long time ago (early 80’s), but I started as “just” a cashier at McDonald’s and worked my way to management in two years. I was the head manager of the store within a few years. Now I know a lot of people will think it’s “just” McDonalds (no doubt my exes elite accounting co-workers looked down on me — one “man” even called me a gold digger to my face and of course my fiancé, my now ex, just stood there and didn’t stand up for me even though I was making more a year than him!!), but it was a very hard job and I learned a lot about a lot of different subjects about running a restaurant. Go get ‘um, CDL!!!
Congrats CrazyDogLady!
You mention, – “and not have a bonehead husband”
Did you mean – and not have a BONER for an EX-husband?
I wish he had a boner… But even that was hard for him at times
OMG – legit snort!!!! Thanks CDL
Hahahah Friday night laughs!!
Elle is the best role model! Congratulations!
You are a rockstar CDL…and I know ’cause I know you in real life. You are a smart, funny, gorgeous chick who also happens to be one helluva great mom.
I can’t wait to see how you continue to lead a kick-ass life post-divorce, minus The Magical One.
Jedi hugs!
You do!?!?
Now I’m curious. 
Oh! To add to this, I just got a personal recognition from a customer from one of my supervisors. It’s always nice when the customers go to that extra step to make sure we’re appreciated.
An amazing sweet man sent me flowers for no reason at all other than to make me feel loved. Needless to say it worked!
Well Dixie, I’m sure you made one lucky man very happy also.
That’s awesome!
I’d love some flowers. I should go buy myself some this weekend! We all deserve some flowers 
I have the world’s greatest neighbors! The constantly check up on me, fixed my toilets, trimmed this tree from hell growing in my yard that is a moss magnet. When I thanked him for trimming the tree, he said, “wasn’t me, it was the tree bandit!” Thank you Mr. Tree Bandit!
?❤️
Good neighbors are the best. I am so lucky to have them also.
Awesome neighbours! Mine called the police on me during the post D-Day haze for giant weeds and unmowed lawn. Appreciate the good ones <3
You, too, CrazyDogLady? (Looks like we share more than just tons of dogs.) My sanctimonious neighbor across the street (now known as ‘Weed Nazi’) called the Homeowner’s Association on me twice for weeds & an uncut lawn the week my divorce was final.
Why didn’t they come over and help you?
Ironically, a few months later the Weed Nazi’s husband came to help me mow my lawn. The Weed Nazi herself is a superficially nice person, is highly judgmental, with no compassion, and apparently a coward (she could have said, “Hey, my lawn mowers are coming Tuesday, want me to send them over?). I have known her underlying crappy character for years, so no surprise she called the homeowner’s association. But it was a huge blow at the time, when I was still feeling slightly suicidal 4 months after D-day.
What I think we all want after dday is karma. Yes, for the cheater to get what they deserve the most in the most devastating way.
I will admit that I was one of those people. I wanted my ex wife to go down in flames. Well guess what, she did. But I will admit it didn’t make me feel the way I thought I would. Quite honestly, I felt the exact opposite. I was and am very sad on what she did to herself and how it effected my kids.
It wasn’t until I received the real karma – the genuine karma – that landed me to meh. You see to me, karma should be about all the good that should come to me and not all the bad that goes to her. I deserve good!
Once I figured this out, this allowed me to shift the focus from her to me. All the good that I deserve was dormant all these years. Once I got her out of my life, and quit wishing the bus to hit her and focused on myself all the good came in abundance.
This is so true…I soooo wanted to hear how my ex wife was crashing and burning and not working for 2 years and totally dependent on her fuck buddy for spending money …but as time marches on I’ve realized I don’t give a shit anymore what happens to her it doesn’t affect me anymore as my kids are grown and I can be totally zero contact which is where I’ve been for well over a year now..just focusing on ourselves and our family that sticks by us is the key
SureChumpedAlot
That is a lovely way to turn that karma thing around. I’m going to start thinking this way from now. ❤️
What a great idea this Friday challenge is. A healing kind of thing.
All the posts are going to give us all a well deserved Chump lift.
Good karma to me and all of us chumps! I like that focus instead, too.
This is so true! Mine is slowly continuing to fall apart. I am concerned now as how the kids will adjust to it. They are good kids and love her no matter what. I just hope they don’t get pulled into her drama. I am working with them trying to teach them how to set healthy boundaries. It has been good for a few laughs for me and helping me realize I wasn’t the person that destroyed her. It was her! Looking forward MEH as well. We will get to the point where hearing about them is like watching a story on the news.
Lostntx,
The kids will adjust because that’s what “good kids” always do. Job well done on continually teaching them healthy boundaries all these past years. Your kids sound very compassionate and respectful because they “love her no matter what.”
So when Mom crosses the Maginot line and embarrasses them in front of their friends, or become victims of collateral damage, just be present and available to escort them back to the safe and healthy side.
I feel Meh is just around the corner for you lostntx. Just remember, you will know when you are at Meh, when you *choose* to change the channel on your TV remote when a news story comes on that has been re-played over and over and over.
Tuesday is just around the corner, keep fresh batteries in your TV remote.
And you deserve all the “good that came in abundance” (including that Cub win!).
I’m with you–I am now 2 years, 2 months exactly from D-day; yesterday was my 2 year file-aversary, and I have reached a state of zen that I did not think possible given my personality ; ). I recognize what I can and cannot change & act accordingly. I have achieved the ability to see the silver lining in bad circumstances (e.g., my house didn’t sell in time for me to satisfy the contingency on a house I reeeeaaalllly wanted, but my current house looks great after all the repairs and tidying up!).
I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone, but the fact that it happened to me brought me into this wonderful, warm, witty, wise CL community, where I have made lifelong friends.
I have experienced love and kindness from unexpected places (e.g., the neighbors on either side of me who, after seeing my exertions with a pushmower, have their lawn people cut as far over onto my boundary as they can). Betrayal opens our eyes to bad in the world, but with open eyes we also see good with more clarity.
A metaphor for my new outlook–as I left the dog shelter after volunteering the other day, the most fantastic rainbow appeared. May it have gold at the end of it for all of us.
I love you, Tempest, because your character and integrity are present in every single sentence you write here.
There are many angels on this site. In this season of thanksgiving, I am grateful for all of you.
“Zen” is the keyword here Tempest. So happy to see your serenity transformation this past year. Very proud of you!
IMO, “Meh” comes with “Zen” – It’s amazing that both of these 3 lettered words are so powerful and life-changing. Even more amazing to me is really believing that “good things come in three.”
“The power of three is a principle that suggests that things that come in threes are funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.” I Believe this whole-heartedly, just as my “3 little birds.”
Does this mean the Cubs will have 2 more World Series victories in the next couple years? Hail to a “three-peat” for the Cubbies!
?????!!!
Thank you Tempest for all your wit and wisdom!! I’m also two years post-DDay, I have longer and longer stretches at Meh, still a long way to go, but I don’t get triggered nor baited as easily as I used to… So there is progress!
Another good thing? Being part of CN, huge thanks to CL for creating and nurturing this incredible community of survivors!!!
and to you, Chumptitude/Meme Queen, for all your wit & wisdom! I’m sure Meh is hard to achieve when you’re still trying to parallel-parent with a fuckwit. (I myself am enjoying my zen, but have not intention of getting to Meh–cheaters still make me too angry and there is a Chump Revolution to fight!)
and to you, Chumptitude/Meme Queen, for all your wit & wisdom! I’m sure Meh is hard to achieve when you’re still trying to parallel-parent with a fuckwit. (I myself am enjoying my zen, but have no intention of getting to Meh–cheaters still make me too angry and there is a Chump Revolution to fight!)
SureChumped
I created my ‘divorce vows’
Living better is the best revenge. I do.
Look at actions . I do
Leave a cheater and gain a life. I do.
I can drive my own bus. I do.
I can only control myself. I do.
I really like your “divorce vows.” I’m going to make my own, too. Thanks for the idea.
I now pronounce you unchumped and Meh, Donna!
Doingme,
And you showing us that you are an intelligent, resilient, and probably one of the wisest and strongest people we have ever known. I do.
Ok SureChumped now I’m blushing. At least I got to keep those assets.
I’m going to use that CS if I ever get married again. Unchumped and Meh would look good on a Tee.
Haha, blushing is good!! Yes, you keep those assets, you earned them!
Inspiring.
Thank you so much for sharing this idea!
^^^^^^^ THIS! EXACTLY
Thank you Martha and Mavis.
The genuine Karma – love that!
Knowing I would be distressed due to the election results and after a morning of trying to cheer up a few actually crying students – four students snuck into my room and hid behind a big table. “PPpsssst!, Ms. Magnito! Do you have any extra white paint in here??? How about a tan marker?? We want to stay here!”
Best thing the 4th best friend hiding is about as caucasion as you can get.
Why was he hiding? He just wanted to be with his friends…. talk about solidarity!
You can’t make this stuff up. At first I jumped, but then I laughed, because they took time out of their day to try to cheer me up.
I’m guessing you teach a diverse crowd?
While shopping in the Nike Outlet Store with two teenagers and a cart full of expensive (even at outlet prices) gear, a random man walked up to me and handed me a coupon for $50 off because it was about to expire and he couldn’t use it. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to be suspicious that it was some kind of scam, but it worked at checkout! Thank you, kind stranger, for saving me money, and opening my eyes to the fact that not everyone is trying to put one over on me…
That is so wonderful when someone give you a coupon to help you save money!! I’ve had that happen to me a few times over the years and I’ve paid it forward myself. It’s always such a good feeling!!
I love doing that to people! I once had extra Haute Cash from Torrid, so I handed one out to another lady in line. And once in line at my grocery store, I had extra $5 off coupons I knew I wasn’t going to use, so I handed them out to everyone in the line.
I have one for you all. MY HOUSE CLOSED YESTERDAY!!!!! Next week gonna go find a place to live my own little house. Moving five hours from asswipe and going totally no contact! Thanks traci, thanks chump nation and a big shout out to my girl jeep tess!!!!!! I so excited. In just a couple weeks i will be gone finally and im taking my three antidepressants with me. Glory glory joy joy!!! Thank you for this site traci!!! Im free!!!!!!! Ive gained a life!!!!!!
Fantastic news!!!
Thank you. The madness is finally over! Ye fucking ha!!
YEA!!!
That is wonderful news indeed.
Thanks laj!
Kar…….xoxoxoxoxox! Congrats!
Thank you xoxoxoxo!!!
Hip, hip hooray! Kar! Peace and Love to you!
Thanks. Im free!!!
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person, Kar marie.
So glad to hear you’re moving soooooon.
Here’s a picture of you driving off and side-swiping his dumb ass on your way out!
Oh wait. Here’s a shot of his moving truck!
arrgh
Thats it! Coffee on the floor! Male pup on cafeine high! Stop! my sides hurt from laughing. I actually saw this happen one time.
I hope this happens to his life. Ive seen karma already i will hear about more later. My grandma always told me you get out of life what you put into it! She was right! Thanks ian you made my day!
Ian … You always crack me up! Every time!
My wish for asswipe is his life ends up smashed and dragged off that that truck! You always make me laugh!
Hahahahahahahaa! Spitting my coffee!!! Damn thats funny! My male pup loves coffee. Thanks ian!
That is awesome! It’s always good to accomplish one thing so you can continue to move on. Good luck on finding a new home. I move into my cheater memory free new home in 12 days. Wish it was 5 hours away but that will come once the daughter graduates high school. Fill your memories now with good times in your new area and home!
Yes yeah for us!
I am sooo happy for you! You GO GIRL!
Thanks tessie! Three and half years but im at the end!
((((((((KAR MARIE)))))))))
You are TRULY MIGHTY!!!!
YOU MADE IT!
You know i love you girl! We are mighty!!!!
Congrats!!!
Thanks!
Yeah Kar marie! I know you’ve been wanting to go contact and now you can! Congrats!!!
Thanks cs! My actress days are over! Free to be me!!!
Kar Marie-so happy you finally closed on the house. I hope you never see that asshole again as long as you live. You are a lovely lady, please keep us posted on your future endeavors. Ha!!! Can’t wait for that pervert mofo to know he is completely on his own without your presence in his life. Don’t forget to leave his lovely photography as a parting gift. Much love to you my dear. Forge ahead and be mighty!!! With your babies?
Thanks so much ex-or! I am leaving the photos for that pod. Im free to be me finally. Big hugs!!!
KarMarie, I’m soooooo happy for you!!!!!!! Yay!
Thanks!
********************Kar you Rock********************
Thank you surechumped. Whoo hoo!
Hooray for Kar marie!
Hip hip hooray! Thank you!!
Oh Kar, one more thing….did you realize that you thanked every.single.person that responded to your post? You are one thankful woman! You’re the best!
I try sure chump. I am thankful. So thankful. And excited!!!! I dont know about the best but i am good!
Go you!
Find a nice place! Get friends over to help you spruce it up. I’m excited for you!
Thank you. Im excited too!
Congratulations to a well deserved escape. We all look forward to hearing all about you new and improved life.
Thanks fa!!+
That is wonderful news. Congratulations!
Thank you!!
Secondary to some issues with my ex and his 4th wife, my children and I started fostering kittens. That’s been awesome in and of itself but that fostering has spawned my 4tg graders science project where she is using posters to get the long term cats adopted at out city animal shelter. That would have been awesome itself but in trying to get a local TV personality who loves pets get the animal poster s on TV, I wrote to him and he had her come on TV yesterday for animal shelter worker appreciation week. Awesome awesome…but as I sat on the sidelines watching as a proud mommy I met a shelter worker who will hopefully work with me to start a program where my Veterans with whom I work can volunteer with the shelter cats who are scared ….I am so fucking blessed.
That is beautiful, heather! Life is good!
Thank you
I bought myself a Father Christmas indoor gnome today. I never used to buy things for myself. My first step towards making my first cheater free Christmas an occasion of love, joy and happiness.
I love Christmas and instead of feeling ashamed this year, of my utter sentimentality I am going to celebrate it.
It cheers me up no end to think about wintery evenings, mulled wine, mince pies and days with my three boys.
And after that? I remember someone here said that they had found ‘the one’ and it was herself. So my Valentine’s Day is going to be huge!
Gnomes are awesome!! I hope it (he?) cheers you up all holiday season.
I love Christmas too. I’ve always kept decorations to a minimum, because STBX didn’t like the fuss. This year? I’m getting more stuff. And then I’m going crazy at the after Christmas sale for next year.
IF I ever find someone to share my life with again, I don’t want him being a grinch, like this one was.
Kicked him to the kerb today!!! MIGHTY and POSITIVE! And my very first CN post… ☺️
Welcome brezz this is the very best site for comfort care and the outpouring of common sense. We are all here for you.
Thanks KM, I have been an avid observer of some CN for some months now… the feasting of cake was just too much to bare today!!
We are here for you. Post and post often it heals the heart and soul. I would be planted underground if it were for this site. It truly is life and soul saving.
Bree
Welcome to the club that sets you free to gain a life!
Hugs!!! Best wishes on your new life!
Yea!!!! You are MIGHTY!
Welcome, Bree-zerc. You’re in for a roller coaster of emotions, but nothing softens the blow like CN.
Welcome, Bree-zerc!
We are here for you and big (((HUGS))) to you, you MIGHTY chump!
Supporting you!
You are mighty bree-zerc!
Welcome to the voice of reason at CL. Our leader can and does save lives. You are safe here in supportive company. I PROMISE you will survive but you have a lot of work to do and it’s not easy work. Fortunately for you, you are where you belong!!
Welcome Bree-zerc! I can’t wait to hear your story and support you through this painful time as all of CN has been supporting me. Welcome to the club no one wants to join (but is eternally grateful for!)
Kicked him to the curb Bree-zerc….great job. The curb will lead him to the sewer in which he belongs.
Stay mighty and from this point forward, make sure you start doing for yourself!
Welcome here, Bree-zerc! And good for you for getting rid of dead weight!
Good for you. Keep coming here. You will never find a more understanding, supporting, and funny group.
Yay Bree-zerk! This place serves up miracles as long as you follow the advice. It is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done but I wish this site had been here sooner because I was Chumped more than once. My gratitude knows no limits for how I turned my life around.
Today is Veteran’s Day. I would like to thank all of our Veterans for their service and allowing us to enjoy all that is in our lives today.
Absolutely!! Thanks to all of our veterans.
Thank you, Vets. Thanks for your sacrifice and service.
Yes, thank you Veterans!
Now that is classy NMSB.
Thanks you all to all Veterans for all you do for us and all the sacrifices you make.
Sure xoxoxox
Today someone dear to me and hundreds of miles away let me know they’re thinking of me. The sun popped out long enough this morning to give me a beautiful picture of bright orange, yellow and green leaves against deep gray clouds. It’s just over a year past D-Day and the good days are starting to out number the bad.
I am so very happy to hear that Disillusioned! It does keep getting better! xoxoxoxox
This time of year is beautiful. And soon, every time of year will be beautiful. <3
I just found out that X is living in the back room of his STORE, taking showers in a garbage can. Yes…a garbage can! This was the very place where he was secretly meeting up with his last Ho and when I busted him.
I also got proof four days ago of his cheating starting from the first six months of our marriage. I had boxes and boxes of old business records outside, and a huge rain storm soaked all the papers through and through. I had to sort through every one of them to salvage what I could, and lo and behold, seven months of his cell phone records were there. I could not help but notice the call logs were enormous…and kept seeing the same number hundreds of times per month…only during times that I was asleep between 10pm and 4am. Thousands of minutes on every bill.
Here is the biggest thing…IT DID NOT HURT ME AT ALL.
Hahahahahahaha….a shower in a garbage can…poetic justice! To be a fly on the wall!
Showering in a garbage can?!? All I can think of is, “Well, isn’t that special?”
Congrats on the no-more-pain, Sweetz. That state is hard-won.
When we were renovating our house four years ago, I custom designed and had a shower built for him that was fit for a (very large) King. He would often brag about it to people. When I first met him, he was living in the back of his store also…turns out this was after being kicked to the curb by his prior wife too, rather than the story he concocted. Wheels on the bus go round and round.
The garbage can shower thing is very befitting on many levels…not only is it designed to hold large amounts of “trash”, but it signifies the end of a dignified life that I had helped him to achieve…plus, he is a SLOB. He is now living with cockroaches, this I know for a fact because of all the garbage he leaves back there from lunches not disposed of for weeks on end. Yuck.
Un fucking believable. You can’t make this shit up. Why in the world did he choose this? Idiot.
If I was in a relationship with someone who loved me enough to DESIGN A SHOWER FOR MY PLEASURE, I would not only never leave that person, I would spend my life trying to live up to that honor.
You have provided a perfect image of entitlement and the perfect ending to a cheater narrative. I’m sorry you lived it, though.
I think he chose to live back there because he THINKS that I will eventually miss him and invite him back home…he thought that too regarding his ex wife before me (obviously, no dice). He does not want to waste money getting furniture and an apartment. That’s the only thing that I can figure without giving him too much real estate in my head…he also prides himself in being able to be “innovative” and a minimalist…having the survivalist mentality. After we got our relationship off the ground, he only moved out of that back room and got his own tiny apartment once he thought that he was going to need a large bed for having sex with me. It was never about not being able to afford better.
Mine too! He was a back-to-the-lander in his twenties – lived in a teepee on his uncle’s enormous ranch.
I thought it was refreshingly original. He and I are the same age and, while I didn’t know him then, during those same years I was a punk rocker in Alphabet City in the East Village and had never met anyone like him before.
Since D-day, I discovered that he had essentially been “banished” there after his fundamentalist Christian family discovered the extent of his sexual molestation of his little sister (for eight years).
Everything I thought was good about that guy turns out to have been the “cover” for something fucked up. Another example is that we dated for three years and I only met his sister and mom. I thought he had a very small FOO – like me! Another thing we shared in common!
NOPE! He had relatives coming out the wazoo. Further, the incest thing goes back generations.
Arghhh!
And he, too, when we started dating, owned a three bedroom house. He slept in a guest room on a twin-sized futon mattress on the floor (no frame).
Very little furniture. Just an enormous desktop monitor (20 years ago size) and a chair. I didn’t have a clue (yet – cue ‘Jaws’ theme music) about internet porn so assumed he was a minimalist.
Nope. Just cheap and stupid.
He got our three bedroom house in the divorce. Sleeps on our queen sized bed but no sheets. TV room has our giant flat screen and an easy chair.
FLASHBACK! He showed me who he was in 1996. I was blind. Now I see clearly.
OMG…the X tried to get sex from his 17yr old daughter (was caught in the act)…and HIS dad was having sex with his younger sister for years…and the X’s first wife was sexually molested by HER father. So the X went for vulnerable/clueless women who project their own goodness onto him. Predator.
Someday I would like to be the kind of person who would like to be able to see how terrible and fucked-up these losers lives are.
I struggle with wondering what my karma is that I’ve been so blind and put my daughter in harm’s way (fortunately she is a bad ass and recently revealed that he tried to put his hand in her underpants when she was nine but she told him loudly and clearly to GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE and neither one ever breathed a word of it to me. x because he. is. the. devil. Beloved daughter because I was newly married and she wanted me to be happy – and as it turned out, something had happened to her at her dad’s even earlier and she’d followed her gut. She tells me now she just thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. BAD ASS. And she’s 5′ 6″ and 105 lbs. – tiny her whole life! I’ve always thought the best thing about her bio-dad is that she’s never had my side of the family’s thighs! ha.)
The X was also a Porn addict. Spent into the wee hours in the morning spanking his monkey while I went to bed alone the entire 10yrs marriage. It is just as well…he only wanted blow jobs and anal sex…
We are Sister Wives – or married to the same jerk.
I’ve felt humiliated in my circle of friends because the situation is so sordid. They don’t judge, but I am ashamed.
To realize this is going on across the nation is both sad and helpful for me. I am so grateful for Chump Lady and the people on this site.
I just pain shopped and looked at a picture of his smiling face holding up his mug of beer with his fat arm around a 22-year-old cutie pie at the bar where he hangs out every night. I hate that I’m sick and alone (even though I have so so many blessings and advantages) and he’s having the life he wants.
I wanted to have the life I want to. And I know I still can and I’m working on it but I’ve had a flair up of an illness I’ve been dealing with for two months and it hurts and the meds are making me an emotional wreck and everything feels so unfair blah blah blah.
This is a great thread today, though. I’ve watched all the videos and songs that people have shared. It really really helps.
Here’s my offering. It’s ridiculous and I love it: Guy on a Buffalo
Roaring & Sweetz: I am horrified on both your behalves. Some of these cheaters are monsters who do not deserve to continue breathing.
Roaring, that video made me laugh out loud! Thanks for sharing! And I’m sorry your cheater was such an awful human being, and so proud of your strong daughter! I hope you are feeling better soon. (((Jedi hugs to you!)))
That is scary. When I first dated mine he slept on a king mattress on the floor in a small apartment. He is back to a mattress on the floor and proud of it.
Or he thinks you’ll feel so sorry for him, living in squalor that you’ll rescue him.
Nope.
Continue to marinate in garbage juice.
Sweetz and Roaring, I am so glad to hear you are away from such nasty jerks. Also, I had never seen Guy on a Buffalo. I love Guy a on a Buffalo.
Cockroaches. My ex told me with pride that his new apartment came with free professional roach spray service monthly! Gee! Ya think that maybe that means you’ve got “room mates” there, Einstein?!?! Nope … Didn’t compute. He just loves freebies!!
He should probably buy a gas mask, or make sure he’s out of the building on pest control day, or, you know….
Glad that you are escaping the effects of Oscar the Grouch (life imitates Sesame Street).
Can we call your ex Oscar? As in the grouch who lives in a trash can…
Hmm…he was never grouchy though. Why would he be? He had his whores and the wife appliance…what more could a man want? I think “Oscar Award” would be a tad bit more fitting since his acting skills pretending to be a Stellar Christian Leader were stunning.
Perfect.
I keep trying to think of a funny, smart comment, but I keep giggling. Enjoy that garbage shower, jackass.
(as a punk rocker who was stuck in Texas in the 80s, Roaring, that sounds pretty glamorous, and I’d love to hear some Blondie – Ramones stories if you’ve got any, tbh
Ian, surprisingly, I have a lot of brushes with the Ramones. I was an X and a Clash girl. Still am – lots of prescient lyrics.
I LOVE me some Texas music. Bob Wills, Lyle Lovett…
I was thinking afterward The Cramps. Saw them in Austin. Lux.
I have always been British punk, so yes, The Clash and Pistols, but again you said NYC. Not LA. Listening to Oingo Boingo today. Seriously commercial, I know, but so LA.
I met joey Ramone having a smoke in an alley before a concert. I said hey and he said hey. Always loved that man.
Two years out from the final D-day when Mr. Sparkles discarded me and our family. One year out from when I filed for divorce. Completed mediation yesterday. I got everything I wanted (and had originally filed for). Divorce should be final by year end.
The key to success… DOCUMENTATION. I invested countless hours in it and it paid off. It is the only thing a court cares about in the end.
To the new chumps, stay strong. Brush your teeth today. Take a walk. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get here too. It just takes time.
To CL and CN… I would not have made it without you. Thank you for showing up.
Rock on Chump Nation.
Good for you and a lesson for chumps, even those attempting reconciliation. Document!
I wrote what I think may just be one of the most empowering break-up songs of all time. It felt great to write it!!! I’ll have to figure out how to share it with CN, if that’s okay with Tracy. I really appreciate all of you here. It feels good to be home with sane people.
MT
Sure, lay it on us.
https://www.youtube.com/edit?video_id=XO2JRns1S1M
I’ll Get Over You
(Music and lyrics by a strong single woman for every chump who needs a little strength)
I’ll sever the ties that bind us.
I’ll cut you out of my mind!
I’ll purge ever-y-thing that you’ve ever touched,
Torch all these pictures and burn all your stuff!
And I’ll get over you.
I’ll get over you.
I will get over you!!!
You’ve made it so easy to do.
I’ll close the accounts
and I’ll cut up the cards.
I’ll change my name and thank my lucky stars,
That I learned the truth
While I still had my youth.
And I’ll get over you.
I’ll get over you.
I will get over you!!
You made it so easy to do.
At the end of the day,
You will be a faint memory,
In piles of dirt on the floor.
I won’t shed tear, I’ll just smile as I hum,
And sweep all your dust out the door.
Gonna sweep all your dust out the door.
And I’ll get over you.
I’ll get over you.
I will get over you!!!
You’ve made it so easy to do.
Mark my words and write down this date!
I’ll forget all about you, as you evaporate.
Let my final words to you be…
Fuck You, Asshole. I’m FREE!
Amazing.
Thank you!!! Made me super nervous to record and publish something like this for everyone. But feel super empowered.
Love it Mary.
Thanks for sharing, Mary. I love it!
Great song! Very empowering! Thanks for sharing.
Standing ovation!!!!!!!
Just great! Thank you so much for sharing!
You folks are so great! Thank you for listening. I’m glad you liked it. It has helped me heal. When I’ve had to be around him for kid purposes, I hum it under my breath and sing it in my head. I breathe it into the wind with accusation and it steels me. It me reminds me not to EVER be duped again.
Mighty!
For some reason your link didn’t work for me, and in case someone else has the same issues, Google helped me find you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO2JRns1S1M
And you have a wonderful voice. And the song is great, so fitting for all of us here.
Thanks. I’m so glad I got up the nerve to share. Tracy, seriously, your site is life-changing. So grateful. I have one I wrote after the first D-day. Had a beautiful toddler at home. A career that was growing. A loving nice husband. So I thought, until the worst D-Day. Then at my immediate dr visit, learned I was pregnant. My fairytale was totally shattered. So, thoughts of despair and anger led me to Cinderella and this original of mine.
CINDY’S LAMENT
“Never Marry a Man After Just One Dance”
https://myspace.com/merrymuses/music/song/cindy-s-lament-10773079-10574263
Thanks, CDL, that one worked for me. Great song, MT! Congrats, and thanks for the inspiring melody!
Mike Yung singing in the subways beneath New York City. Beauty where you’d least expect it, grace and seeetness amid the noise and grime.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-lb6Vuf8Wao
I love this. Street performers — sharing their talent, so beautiful.
Wow, that was great.
The new development going on next door had a silver lining: my property is now “edge habitat,” and the deer spent most of the fall in my yard instead of just passing through. It’s been quite a show, with nursing babies and fights between the big boys–including one giant 8-point buck. And the wren is back and singing on my back deck.
And one of my former students sent me flowers to thank me for believing in him. That was amazing.
That’s awesome, LAJ. And for every student who sends you flowers, there are hundreds who are also grateful to you but quiet about it.
May I play for you all on my ukulele? A dose of Vitamin U to cheer you. Sing more, sigh less!
If Mary can post her song, I’m sure you can post Ukulele videos
As I walked home from work I noticed flowers still in bloom. They survived the frost and made me smile.
Well, you walking home made me smile. I like doing the same when I can. Life is good Doingme.
Faith in beauty. Life is good.
I spent an hour reading a novel and drinking coffee this morning with no drama. My younger child invited a friend to spend the night tonight. This will also occur without drama. There is no longer a raging whirlpool of selfishness swirling at the center of the household preventing the rest of us from making plans or enjoying small pleasures that don’t revolve around him. The opportunity to simply live an ordinary existence without conflict is a joy.
Yes, that’s it, isn’t it? When the drama is gone, a lovely life emerges!
I agree, life without that constant underlying tension feels good. I can actually enjoy all those little things in life.
Amen. Hallelujah. You deserve it!!! I’m
My warm, fuzzy Australian Shepherd sleeps on my lap in the evenings while I sit in my recliner. She’s so cuddly. Don’t know what I’d do without her.
I have an Aussie as well and he loves to lie on my lap when I sit in my recliner. He is total unconditional love. Having him in my life and my two wonderful sons and daughter-in-law have filled my life in ways I never expected. It has been 5 years for me and almost 1 year since my divorce and I would never have predicted that I would be this happy and contented. I think anyone going through a separation and divorce needs to know that it may take time, but all will be well.
My first grandchild was born 3 weeks ago today. My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter are here for their first overnight visit. Best thing that has happened in our family since the divorce. Much love today.❤️
Enjoy your new bundle of joy, Mamaooch!!!
Congratulations on your new grandchild!
Congratulations! She’ll never know the Ugly! Only that Grandma loves her so much.
I wonder what she’ll call you? SO MUCH LOVE ahead!
Congratulations! The most amazing joy in my life is my granddaughter.
You are blessed.
On the topic of puppies: My old dog who has a medical condition which is expensive to treat (and who was readily abandoned by the jerk I was married to because the cheating/child abandoning excuse for a female didn’t like him …) learned to play with my son’s three month old black lab. What’s great about that, you might ask? Thunder paws previous to this, HATED puppies. Now he chases her and they tug a toy back and forth and they both are covered in slobber afterwards. But it makes me happy to see him play and enjoy himself.
Never too old to have fun or try something new! Thunder paws has taught me so much – how to love no matter what, how to smell and breathe, how to truly enjoy a cookie, how to defend what’s yours (he has issues with the foxes that steal birdseed on the porch, and deer – deer must be chased. They are not allowed anywhere near the house), how to be glad to be home or to go for a walk, and how to snuggle on the couch. He’s messy, very clumsy, really big, and inconvenient. But he is sweet and he makes me laugh and be grateful for life (when I thought I didn’t wanted to live). He has my undying devotion for being my dog and for getting me through the last three years. I know it will be hard when the treatments don’t work anymore and I’ll have to say goodbye to this wonderful creature. The grief is the price to pay for love but he’s worth it all.
I adore my children and my daughter has a grown up has become a best friend. I love her to the moon and back.
But canines and cats for the cat folks i love cats by the way but sadly my dogs do not are truly womans best friends. My older boy got me through the last three and a half years of unentangling better than anyone and he was asswipes dog. He left this poor baby behind twice and now this beautiful animal is a true mamas boy. Whore juice and her family have 6 dogs better than his dog. Asshole. But taking off soon and find my pups a big yard and a new home!!!
My 2 cats have spooned with me when I’ve been down, one on each side. So comforting to feel them sleeping beside me in the middle of the night. The crazy thing is by the time I finally got him out (Thank you CN!) they had turned on him and each other. They are sisters and sadly don’t get along but will work in unison to show me I’m loved.
Want to thank our Veterans today. My father flew in WWII with the US Arny Air Corp (later the Air Force) and made a career out of it. He was a cheater and a barc, but I can be proud he served.
My oldest son has been in the US Navy for 4 years. So very proud of him and the caring, compassionate young man he is. He has trained to be a domestic violence advocate and suicide prevention advocate for his ship. He has a strong moral code that is awesome to witness. He truly embodies a life of service to others.
He paints and sends me pictures of the dolphins following the ship. I miss him everyday, but know that he is grounded and mature and is making a great life for himself.
Kiwi- his ship is headed your way!
Wow! Special.
What an awesome son! I’m always impressed when people have the ability to help others despite whatever is happening with them.
I work with an amazing woman like that, Marcy, who is definitely one of the Tzadikim Nistarim (in Jewish mysticism there is an idea that as long as there are 36 righteous individuals alive at the same time, our world is going to be fine).
I don’t know how they do it but I am grateful they walk amongst us.
I love our children so much.
Your son sounds like a really fantastic man! Bless him for helping others, and for serving.
Glad to hear it, SSha! Whereabouts exactly? US ships didn’t come for many years because our no nukes stand.
I’m not sure where they are porting when they come visit for your Navy’s anniversary celebration. And it’s been 33 years since one of our destroyers has been to New Zealand. All I know is that he is super excited to visit your country. He’s really hoping to get a chance to explore.
Hope he gets to enjoy a bit of our summer down here. Christmas in summer is quite an experience for people from the northern hemisphere. Jandals and pavlova!
Sorry, didn’t realise it’s actually next week in Auckland!! Haven’t been watching the news lately with lambing and tailing…
Wow, then you must be exhausted at the end of each day. But with it being something you love…it’s a good exhausted. Isn’t it amazing the difference you feel when you it’s something you love versus doing something to the entitled ones specifications?
I can’t wait to hear my son’s stories of visiting New Zealand. And I’d love to know what jandals and Pavola’s are
Jandals are flip flops, a pavlova is a meringue cake topped with whipped cream and slices of kiwifruit or other fruit, I won’t get into an argument about toppings here… Traditional Xmas fare. Invented by Kiwis, don’t believe the Aussie propaganda!!
Also don’t worry about your son in Auckland, it will be business as usual up there, no earthquake risk.
Toddler is FULLY potty-trained (and I mean night-trained too, she was day-trained like a bazillion months ago), for one week as of today! Single moms everywhere rejoice!
Woot!
High five! (I’m close with mine. So close – a full week of dry nights. Not quite ready to risk it, but soon.) Rock on mama!
OMG! That’s so awesome! I don’t miss those days!
Last week someone genuinely looked incredulous and said they wouldn’t put me at 60 … they weren’t just being polite. Self-care, I’m assuming, has contributed.
I made my bedroom my oasis (again) by pushing the bed into the corner, and lining pillows against both walls at 90 degrees. I put my old duvet into a soft cotton duvet cover (a fantastic thrift store find) and got rid of that annoying flimsy sheet and blanket combo that used to tickle my face … I just use the duvet. I bought nice “new” pillowcases for 50 cents each from the same shop.
I now sleep diagonally … this gives more support under me, and makes me feel enclosed and safe … no more “sleeping on the edge”. Also, the added bonus is more room for my pets on either side who don’t necessarily want to sleep together but want to be with me, and keep me warm and my heating bill low. If I wake up in the middle of the night (too much tea) and can’t get back to sleep, I switch pillows … works like a charm … the coolness on the head of a fresh pillow gets rid of that hot-headed feel.
I don’t set an alarm most days because my dog, no matter which one of the many rescues I’ve had over the years, wakes me up with the morning light. It helps that I work from home … I can be a little late for work. No laptop, no cell phone beside the bed. On the days I need it, I have a big noiseless old-fashioned alarm clock, a splurge from LL Bean. Before bed, I use coconut oil on face and teeth, and have a lilac-scented all natural room spray I spritz on rare occasions.
My bedroom is just for me, with just a bed and books and meaningful trinkets and a beautiful curtain I made out of wedding dress material. It’s the best thing I’ve done toward self-care.
Oh I’m so looking forward to be able to make my new bedroom my oasis…You described it beautifully, Champ, it seems peaceful and calm and cozy.
I can’t wait to make my bed in to an oasis. STBX is leaving a lot, which I’ll sell on a local FB group. Then I’m repainting the walls from his favorite colour to a light, airy blue. I can’t wait.
And self care is SO important. It sounds like you have it down pat by now
Thanks! I forgot the part where sometimes I get 2 hours sleep because I’m in such huge debt and am working a lot, but those 2 hours in the bedroom are great!!! Now I’m working on actually taking a relaxing bath … I haven’t had one of those in 20 years.
Double sad week as my ex is in town so my youngest has been with him all week.
But…. I attended a public lecture at the local university — Learned about medieval textiles, and it was interesting
Made my first ever roast chicken with root veggies and apples, and it was yummy (even the teenager agreed!)
Little things, CN!
Good for you. That sounds delish!
I bought my first ugly Christmas sweater yesterday, it even has a dinosaur on it (I’m all about the Jurassic lol)! I intend to wear it out to the movies with three of my nieces who after my life altering split with their uncle have called, text, and visited me as often as they can (they are 9,13,and 15) and I get to tell them I love them, daily.
The significance of the sweater? Doing something different, every day. I was thrown into this divorced life and instead of choking those who say to me “get comfortable being uncomfortable” I now try something new everyday. A different way to drive to work, reading books I hadn’t given a chance in the past, different recipes (a big thank you to those who posted them today!) and so forth. My feelings of anger and resentment towards my ex are easing, and when they surface I let the discomfort flow through knowing the great things I’m working towards my new life are waiting on the other side.
Lovely post pondscumbgone! Awesome.
Very inspiring PSNM
Im afraid to put it in actual writing, BUT…I think I have decided to go back to school to finish my bachelors degree…Im a Diploma Nurse from WAY back but I never got the BSN.
My family, late spouse and children (who I love but learned how to play me from their father) created a life where I always had to fight against the tide just to get through each day. Im finally in a place where I can do this and new husband has offered to fund the whole project.
Also, my dogs name is Meatball and he is a love.
Lastly, I bought my daughter a Kate Spade briefcase for Christmas because she is spending January in London doing a Jan semester studying international Public Relations …she is a Boss Bitch (look it up in the Urban Dictionary)
Do it, unicornomore, DO IT! I went back to finish my BA and graduated in May. Going back as an older student (I was 52 when I went back, 54 when I finished) scared me half to death, but it was so. much. fun. You will find some things super hard (for me it was algebra and statistics), but the strength and persistence you’ve cultivated will serve you well. I’d *love* to go back for a Master’s just for the sheer joy of it.
I have flailed about since graduation because job hunting has changed a lot and I haven’t had paid employment in 20 years. This week the elementary school district finally offered the exam I needed to take and pass in order to apply. I went. While there I learned that there are a ton of sub jobs that I’m already qualified for and I got the extensive application package together — I was so anxious and I did it anyway. Just need to get the LiveScan background check and I’ll be ready to hire.
So much has been so scary in the past 4.5 years, but I learned that I can survive all of it. Even my worst fears. I survived and all you newbie chumps will, too. You will surprise yourselves with your own strength and grace and sheer grit.
Go back to school and rock their socks off, unicornomore!
Do it unicornomore! I went back to school to get my MS last year and I just finished. It was so hard but so rewarding. I felt so accomplished when I got that diploma! You will learn the joy of having goals in which the goal posts aren’t moved. If you work hard you will get what you set out to achieve! Far better than wasting our lives on a selfish cheater!
Consider me part of your official cheering section!
Congratulations on your MS, Cheaterssuck!!
Thanks Tempest!
Do it, Unicornomore, do it! I got my RN BSN at age 52 and it was the best thing I ever did! We will dance at your graduation.
Yes, you can do it, unicornnomore! I love reading the stories from others who went back to finish their degrees later in life. After a 13 year gap of studying, I went back to finish my M.A. I’m proud of my accomplishment, even though my parents gave no acknowledgment when I graduated. I knew I put in the hard work to get it done and no one can take that away from me.
Add me to your list of cheerleaders!
Thanks all you guys…Im finally ready to go for my BSN and my colleagues are telling me to go for my MS or PhD…Im flattered at their faith in me but I need to sink my teeth into a bite that I can chew for now and keep my goal a BSN and think about more later.
I told newhusband that I was thinking of retiring and he said “I don’t care if you graduate and retire and hang it on the wall…you will know that you did it”. It is nice to have such support…the only thing he would NOT be ok with is me not finishing, so the day I take my first class I will have committed to graduating.
That is awesome! Go for it! Captain Wonderful is the supportive, loving, proud husband you’ve always deserved.
Wow! After all the DO IT’s, I’m tempted to go get a BA too. I have a degree from my home country, but it’s not recognized in this country. I’m still debating what to do. So many options… I want to do it ALL! Good luck on getting your bachelor degree!
Unicornnomore
Wow, you are amazing. I’m so happy for you.
Next week I will take the final step and test that will signify that I am a certified teacher. I was a SAHM for 20 years and during wreckonciliation I kept taking steps to serve myself just in case. I finished my bachelors with cash (told him it was his stupid tax) and then on to the teacher program. It was many many small steps but by December 6th I will be a teacher. I also got my first note from a student telling me how smart, funny, and pretty a teacher I am. I hung it up so I can read it often. We got this Chumps! We are mighty.
FANTASTIC! You’re going to be an awesome teacher. Pretty is icing on the cake.
You will rock teaching, SOKG!
Great job!
I’m sure you’ll be an amazing teacher!
The morning after the election my father sent me a caustic text message about the losing candidate. It was meant to trigger me. In years past, before I started the slow healing process of recovering from years of emotional abuse from my “other” narc, I would have either ignored the text or pretended to agree with him to avoid conflict. Instead I responded coherently and with my own heartfelt opinion (without any nasty words). He told me he was disappointed in me for not agreeing with his views (another trigger) and I told him I’d talk to him later by phone when I wasn’t at work.
I spent two hours on the phone later with a man who for years bulldozed over me with his overbearing views and personality and I never backed down once. Even during the times that I was agreeing with him, he argued with me, which made realize two things: 1) this is where I learned my “stay silent and take verbal abuse behavior” which probably resulted in my poor partner choice and 2) you can’t reason with the unreasonable. Finally I had had enough of arguing with someone who clearly was not open to hearing anything other than his own opinion, told him I loved him even though we clearly had different views of right and wrong and that I had to end the conversation. I was pretty hot under the collar with some of the things he’d said to me, including that all men talk like Trump when they are alone and I should just get over it, and my “liberal” education meant that I had become brainwashed. After I had some time to cool off I felt some small victory in finally sticking up to a man that has been my lifelong bully and that felt pretty damn good.
Please no more Trump/election comments. THANK YOU. See my warning upthread.
My apologies – feel free to delete it.
Hi Tracy, I may be missing something, but I didn’t take this as a political post. I saw it more as a chump that was finally able to set boundaries with an overbearing force in their life. Someone that has always made them feel worthless and without a viable opinion. I feel that done4good was just stating a “yea me” realizing that she can 1. set a boundary and 2. Not be triggered by her dad who just has to argue and be “right” in every encounter.
But, you are correct, the election is over…thank God. And now we move forward. And I’m not meaning to be argumentative, just express how I read the post.
Good example of learning about ourselves and others. Way to go on setting a boundary with your dad! Sorry that he is stubborn and doesn’t allow anyone to have an opinion different than his. You should be proud of what you did!
Done4Good,
My father is similar to yours; mine is a covert narcissistic misogynist and I’m still trying to recover from that. Good for you for standing up for yourself. When we stand up to disordered parents, we become emotionally-independent adults (I’m trying to teach my siblings). We free ourselves from the trap of the old parent-child dynamic. I wish I could describe in words what this shift feels like, but I’m sure you’ll be getting there soon!
I know I’ll never be able to get my dad see both sides. I also DON’T care if he doesn’t agree with me (it’s a very freeing stance, I highly recommend it). He’s also not allowed to put me down anymore. The day he can’t stop himself from doing that is the day I go no contact with him.
He loves telling old stories, so when political or ideological discussions get heated, I’ll interrupt his run-on tirade and ask him about his days of being a boy on the farm. He can chatter on for hours about that and it makes for a much less frustrating phone call or visit.
Good for you for standing up to your father. I know how hard this is to do. I’ve lived with depression most of my adult life, and a father who would shame me for dropping out of college. When I finally got the guts to speak up, my mother hushed me, because we were with other people. It was one of those: WTF moments. It’s ok for him to shame me, but not for me to speak up about what really happened?
Looking at my parents marriage and my own, I see that there are a lot of similarities. However, as far as I know, my dad never cheated on my mom. And that’s a big difference.
Done4Good, thank you for posting your story, as my story with my Dad is almost identical. I’ve always stayed silent too to “keep the peace,” but this post inspired me to stick up for myself and establish boundaries. I have to face my super NPD father tomorrow, so I will think of your story when I see him. Thank you!
Need something to (further) cheer you up; a true connection between twins:
Ah! The happy thing I picked to post today is about my friend’s preemie twins, who are under 2 pounds each. Mom and Dad each got to hold one boy skin-to-skin for the first time on Sunday. Then the two boys laid together side by side for the first time on Tuesday, skin-to-skin with one another and mama, with their little CPAPs on. A happy miracle.
That brings back memories…. I had a twin brother who died last year of colon cancer. He didn’t actually speak real words until he was 3,as I did all the communicating for him. Mom said we would look at each other, babble and then run off in different directions….just to mess with her.
I used to tell him that he had a flat butt, cause I kicked it continually for 9 months, then kicked him out trying to get more room! I miss him. But, watching that video made me laugh and remember that he always had my back and I feel he still does. Love you, Robert!
The posts today are wonderful. Really makes you stop and think of your blessings, accomplishments and how far you’ve come in the healing process!
On a side note. Had a therapist tell me to meditate and picture black cords attaching me to Vomitus Mass. Picture them pulsing with all the anger, hurt and rage I feel for him. Then picture it all flowing thru the cords from me into him. Once I have transferred all the negative to him, picture myself cutting the cords one by one until he is sucked under the black, tarry ooze of my feelings and disappears. And, hey, it’s working. I’m getting rid of my bad feelings and moving forward. Just an FYI tip for my fellow chumps! Have a blessed day!
Wow! I selected imagery much like that all on my own, though at one point I took to physically using my hands to grab the invisible cords, rip them from my body, tie knots in the ends, throw them back, and say “GET OUT, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE” (sometimes spoken inside my head to avoid social awkwardness.) It made me feel powerful and protected.
Funny how we end up with such similarities on here.
Dating a kind man that values me and treats me with respect. He’s a physician and had rounds to do over the weekend so we couldn’t hang out on Sunday. He showed up Saturday with a bottle of Champagne and OJ for me to enjoy in his absence (he knows I love Mimosas!). I sipped that ALL day in MY beautiful yard: hummingbirds and butterflies fluttered around my fountain in 80 degree weather. Peace.
Good for you. He is a lucky man.
I need me a physician like that. You’re lucky to have each other
I have the sweetest and most precocious 2.5 year old granddaughter. My daughter took her along when she voted. They called me while they were on their way, because we were excited about the whole thing. My daughter was on Bluetooth and said, “Tell Nana what we are going to do.” She said, “I going to vote, Nana. I vote for the girl.” I will remember that story forever and tell it back to her often.
After my 4thd day my ex husband left me for the current affair partner after two decades together, 17 of them married.
I got played a little, did the puck me dance for about 6 months, then started listening to my attorney and negotiated a very good settlement.
All that shit he was selling me about being “better than ever this way” went out the window when I started asking for what I deserved.
The good thing I’m posting….
1.I got a great settlement, enough to really hurt him but miso much that he wants to hire a hit man.
2. I got rid of a shithead. I’m pretty sure his affair partner is starting to figure out that he’s not so sparkly full time.
3. I sold my engagement ring and bought a Labrador. The dog he wouldn’t let me have was purchased with the profit from my fake marriage. Getting that dog was the best move I ever made, I loooove him. He chews on the ex husbands shoes and it brings me immense joy.
Dogs and kids have never liked that asshole….should of known
Lol! Give him all the x’s stuff to destroy!
Hilarious Paintwifow! My engagement ring is sitting in a box somewhere, it needs to be sold too.
Just saw an ad for “Worthy”. It looks like a place where you can send your ring and they auction it. You can set a reserve price too. Might be worth checking out?
I don’t have any diamonds – though many IOUs for them. Maybe I can cash those in at my next mediation session.
???
Shakira – “Try Everything” song/video
The kids and I crank it in the car – we look like lunatics, but we have FUN!
My positive account this week is having the great privilege of hosting our annual school talent show! I love MCing this event that showcases such variety of student skills. This year we had 3rd graders do a hula hoop and gymnastics routine to this song. Very inspiring! And cute!
Chump nation is an awesome place to hang out and discover that there really are good people left in this world! As for a good things happening for me, #1 is i survived a bad motorcycle wreck with no serious issues. I can still see, walk and don’t have any noticeable brain issues. I also get to move into a new home in 12 days. A place to continue building a new life.
Phew, and so glad you are ok!
I cringe just hearing about your accident; so glad you are okay, Lostntx.
Wishing you a complete and speedy recovery.
Biker here lostntx. Know that all too well.
Your new home will be your safe-haven. Congrats on that!
Thanks everyone! It’s been almost 3 months and i’m pretty much recovered. Now I have to find a new hobby! SureChumpedAlot, be careful out there. The accident was the other drivers fault but the conditions were perfect for me not to even see them until it was too late.
Thanks lostntx. I hear that. Trust me when I say, I don’t have to look to far down on my body to see hundreds of stitches (actually staples) to remind me the dangers.
I started on the dirt as a pre-teen, progressed to road racing and 1/4 mile runs. I am 47 and still riding. Yup, lots of titanium screws holding my shoulder together together but riding is part of who I am. I do think of my 3 kids every time I ride though.
On a side note: Hopefully in 2018-2019 I will try to get to the Salt Flats in UT to earn my way into their 200mph club. It’s going to take a while for me to build a super-bike that can do over 200mph. The one I have now, modified and all, got me to around 166mph. vrooom. vrooom!
Fearless Freep!!
200 mph??? Dude! That is awesome. Wow.
I knew better than to get my tall-awkward ass on a motorcycle. Y’all be careful out there.
I’m sure you’ve seen this, but I never get tired of it.
Ha! Yes seen that! AmaZing video Ian! Its important to “keep the speed” at the track and not on our city streets!
Here’s another bright spot from yesterday’s mediation… Mr. Sparkles said he began his online affairs because I was laying down with our baby every night to get him to sleep.
New chumps… and old chumps… sound familiar?
Gaslighting… blameshifting… I nurture our baby ergo Mr. Sparkles get a free pass to commit adultery.
Um NO!
And yesterday, in mediation, after a year on this blog… I could SEE his insanity. And, my silence was no longer me taking his abuse… it was me realizing I can’t cure him and I don’t have to live with it anymore.
Boo yah! Good for you.
I haven’t heard that one, but I did get “you were so close and attached to the kids that there was no room for me.”
One of the only things I enjoy about mediation is that other people get to see first hand how crazy he is.
OMG! Yes! I had that one. I was apparently putting the kids before him. Ummm… yeah? And then there was him, then the dogs, then myself. I walked around in clothes that no longer fit, shirts with holes in them, so that he could look good for his job. And the fucktard has the nerve to say I put myself before him? Nope. I was last. Always last.
Amen! But now you are no longer LAST! You get to put yourself first for a change.
Mine would actually volunteer to sit in our kid’s rooms during their bedtime so he could text and go online every evening….not invested in me, avoidance tactics. Now I am the one who snuggles my precious young daughters every day. He gets them 2 nights out of every 14, and chooses not to snuggle them anyway now- he’s too busy hanging out with his mistress and her kids. And he can’t figure out why his kids aren’t so close to him anymore.
But morning snuggles from my precious daughters is my happy comfort today. Good idea to focus on the warm fuzzy positives about the life we GAINED when we “lost” the loser spouse.
One of my darkest days yesterday. I had so “successfully” put the death of dreams out of my head by keeping busy, until one person’s innocent comment Wednesday broke me.
BUT I called one friend and met with 2 more, we played the piano and enjoyed eggnog lattes. I cried until my eyes became puffy for the long term, even this morning, and it felt like my emotional state was progressing.
BUT yesterday afternoon in the car, my DS told me, “I have a bunch of friends.” Not to be outdone, his 4 year old brother said, “I have a bunch of friends, but they don’t look like people, because they are stuffed animals.” Hilarious.
There are days when the stuffed animal friends get you through! Too cute.
Hey, for some of us those days aren’t over, lol! I have a beautiful, cuddly lamb sitting on my bed.
Thank you.
lilyrose, some quiet nights, I sit in my rocking chair with the fireplace going, cuddling a stuffed Donald Duck my mother gave me. No shame in that!
For the second day in a row, Chump Lady has posted exactly what I was wanting to hear.
The results of this election have left me crying more tears than I thought I could produce. Maybe not QUITE as many as on D-Day, but way too close to that for comfort.
Something good? I’ll just go back to my usual fallback: my dogs, my dogs, my dogs, my dogs and my dogs.
I was able to get my ouchy, stone filled gallbladder removed yesterday. My handsome son came to take me to the hospital for my surgery. I’m always so happy to see him, he is a such a blessing in my life.
Although last night was a little rough, this morning is much better. I’m sitting here with a cup of dark roast coffee, watching my favorite movie on the screen, and I have a an armful of purring, kneading, drooling Kitty. He’s cuddled up on my side. I was able to pull a little table over to cover my tummy so nobody can sit on it.
I have a lot to be grateful for. And that is what I’m choosing to look at today. And though my tummy may be sore for a while, it’s going to be much better from here on out.
I’m also really grateful for chump nation. You all helped me connect the dots and figure out what was actually going down in my marriage. I learned so much here, and this is where I finally figured out that what happened was not my fault. You guys totally rock!
Healing juju for you, and so glad you have a kitty to help! Way to go figuring out the tummy saver.
Hoping for your speedy recovery, Tessie. You’ll be back on your bicycle in no time!
Sending healing vibes your way.
I finally went completely no contact with my sociopathic sex addicted ex and I have been sleeping really well — better than I have in years!!
Good sleep is priceless!
Ali
Every day I am thankful I never have to interact with the sociopath I tolerated.
Stay strong and make one day into another and then another.
I was forced into seeing him a few weeks ago and enough time had lapsed to see what a pathetic nonhuman being I escaped. Stay strong.
My teenage son came out to me. I had already suspected but was relieved he trusted me enough to do it and at how calm I was. He’s a terrific son and human being. Told him I just wanted him to live his life authentically, make good choices, and be happy. He has not told his cheater dad. Not surprised.
That is lovely. So glad he has you for support and love!
topshelf, I agree with Louisvilleflower, very happy he has you to support and love him!
Fixed supper for my kids last night….. oldest and his wife and my GRANDAUGHTER. My youngest and two of his friends visiting him from out of state. Got to watch them all laugh and joke around AND see my grandbaby crawl for the 1st time!.
My heart was filled.
So all you newly chumped…..there is joy at the end of the tunnel.
I filed on my husband of 36 years the day after I found out he was having an affair with the 29 year old fiancé of one of his employees. Had to sell our “Dream retirement” home we had built just two years prior. Lost my job and lost my best friend, my mom very suddenly. All in the space of 4 months.
Fucktard has not spoken to our kids since D day back in February 2015 and they DON’T want anything to do with him.
He and his “new” wife are expecting any day. She is younger than our son and his “new” child will be almost a year younger than his granddaughter. New baby at 58, fired from his last job…. Kara bus heading their way.
New Chumps, everyday TRY to think/be/do something positive, even just for a moment. It doesn’t have to be huge, trust me! Some of mine would be as simple, but at the time almost unobtainable, as “I brushed my teeth today” or “the sun shine is nice today”. Even if that positive thought comes in the midst of a torrent of tears, do it!!!!….. Those positive thoughts/moments will grow, they crowd out the tears, the sadness.
Everyday a little better, everyday a litter stronger…..every day.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still lost at times…. my life was not to be this, I didn’t work that hard for this, I didn’t plan this. But you know what they say about planning life……. you plan – God laughs.
There are GREAT things waiting for all of us out there! We are kind, caring and loving…. unfortunately we choose someone who took advantage of that.
Happy Friday Chumps, have a great weekend!!!
He is gross. He sucks! You are mighty. Enjoy those kids and precious grand baby.
Hadit
We have so much in common right down to the number of years.
I spent Friday night at a party with my children and granddaughter and Saturday night with my other daughter.
Often times I reflect on my life and believe it’s a miracle I survived. I too love my life.
My son joined a band last night! He’s a beautiful, sweet, and shy young man who *hated* the piano lessons I insisted he take for years and years. Now he’s going to be playing keyboards in a friend’s band! I’m so proud of my boy for stepping outside of his comfort zone to try this.
Kaycan, that is because he has a fabulous mother! We both know that is the truth because I had the incredible pleasure of meeting you in person! xoxoxox
My three year old’s smile lights up the room. It’s an amazing thing.
Hi Chumps :O)
Thank you all for helping me leave a cheater and gain a life!
And what an awesome life it is! I feel so Blessed by the presence of so many good people in my life, by my awesome dog, Beau the Monster Slayer
and eater of all things spider (I just love that bout him!)
Amazing and wonderful things have happened since my liberation from satan and the hell I lived in with him for 36 years!
I live in a peaceful, sunshine filled home
I find joy and inspiration everywhere again
I have made new friends that have dignity and self respect
I am creating again
I am laughing again and enjoying everyday
I may be lonely but no longer alone
I have found out that I have accurate and working ‘narcdar’ (thanks for that word Ian! You are awesome!) and I can set and maintain healthy boundaries with others
…and I have a magic trashcan!
Truly!
and it contained a huge wand that makes the biggest bubbles! …and my magic trashcan just keeps on giving the most amazing presents! LOVE IT!
When I moved into my new home, I discovered several items that were left behind by the previous owner…one of them is this awesome magic trashcan…long story short…one morning, a Tuesday trash day…I put my list of items needed in my pocket on the way out the door to go buy them, put Beau in my Jeep, and rolled the large trashcan to the end of my driveway and, on returning to my garage to drive to the local hardware, discovered another trashcan that had been hidden by the other trashcan and boxes yet to be unpacked…so, I opened it to see if it needed to be set out also…and discovered YEP! EVERYTHING on my hardware list! INCLUDING A BOTTLE OF BUBBLES! Bubbles for Beau! (He LOVES to chase bubbles!) I kid you NOT!
Good things, WONDERFUL things happen when we believe in ourselves and step out of the fear that is holding us in place. We got this Chumps! We are MIGHTY!
Love you jeep and beau! You are mighty and a absolute treasure!!!!!
Beau can’t wait to meet the pups!
When you throw love & optimism out into the world, Jeep, as you do every day, it comes back to you. No one deserves that magic trash can more than you!
Tempest!!!!
It is getting easier everyday now
Thank you for all you have given me <3 ! Encouragement and laughter and understanding! We all need validation and a leg up sometimes…my little detour back into narc world shook me to my core again but, with your expert evaluation of the situation and vivid visuals (i.e. tandem up his ass :D) I was able to climb back out of that dark abyss of second guessing my intuition into the bright sunlight of knowing I was indeed again dealing with a narc…or something akin to one…(one of the chumps said something today about 'Peter Pan Syndrome'…I think this may be exactly what I was involved with.) Glad to be out of that too!
Yesterday a mature man told me he finds me beautiful and hugged me…aaaaaa! Very nice to hear that! I've known him only a short time. He and his crew did a very expensive job for me for mere dollars a month ago. I am eternally grateful for that! However, while I appreciated the ego boost to my almost non existant ego…I know that he is married and it kinda shook me and made me feel bad and oh so sad…Kar Marie, Bless her!, put that into perspective for me… Not everyone is a disordered cheating liar…Chump Nation is proof of that! Lots of great good people out there! The ability to feel another's pain and want to ease it is huge. I accept that is all this man was trying to do and am grateful for it. I need to stop seeing men through the lens of my x and his ways…not all of them operate that way. There are many wonderful HUMAN men here in Chump Nation that prove that statement to be true. Thank YOU guys!
Beau and I love you Tempest! YOU ARE A MIGHTY WARRIOR WOMAN!
Jedi Hugs Jeep, you keep rockin on!
Her magic trash can really is magic!!!!
Yesterday, my 4-year-old said he wanted to share his new toy with his best friend. I asked him who his best friend was, and he said it was me. Aaaaah.
Day before that, at bedtime my 18 month old, who only talks in single words, totally unprompted said “night night [brother’s name], night night Mummy” then blew a kiss. Aaaaaaaaah.
Crying, Off the crazy train.
You saved those kids and all they’ll know is love.
Well, I was saving this for a future “tell me your mighty story”, but I’ll share now.
Backstory is that I became mighty (I’m still not sure how I did it as I was so depressed at the time) and packed up everything I wanted to take and moved myself and my kids into an apartment (this was June 2015.) The narc wouldn’t move out and was slowly driving me to my grave with his daily presence in my life. My now ex said in a document that was give to the court (all the reasons why I was an unfit mother), that I was being “finanacially irresponsible” by moving into an apartment. NO! I cared enough for myself and my children and got us all out of a very toxic environment!! My “smart” ex rushed right into buying a property, just to buy something instead of renting first and now in my opinion, his house looks ghetto.
So, during the time I was renting, I was looking at homes and condos on the Internet; getting a feel for what was out there and what things cost. I also periodically went to Open Houses if something looked promising. A few months ago I went to an Open House and the minute I walked in, I knew it was home! I got the same feeling for the two homes I shared with my ex. I made an offer the next day and it was accepted! I moved in a few weeks ago and the place is just lovely. I have a lot of cleaning, organizing and decorating to do. But this will give me something to focus on when the kids are at their dads.
And the all the neighbors I met so far have been so welcoming! Last week Friday, a neighbor came over with a fresh fruit salad and chocolate chip cookies.
She wrote her name and her husbands on a piece of paper with the telephone numbers and told me I could call if I ever needed anything. Yes, there ARE good people in the world! My ex-narc and his family of flying monkeys have made me so distrustful of people, but my new neighbor is a reminder that their are kind people in this world. People who are giving. People who are not users like my exes family.
That’s so great! Congratulations!!
Hey, I just wrote four of those Love Letters of encouragement. Felt great! I highly recommend it! (And besides, going forward, it gives me an excuse to hoard pretty cards… a weakness of mine.)
You just did (another) good thing, Tracy! I also hoard pretty cards and papers with designs on them. Hand-writing letters is becoming a lost art in this era of email, texting and Facebook.
So, Mrs. DM is 5 feet even. A couple days ago, she was at a restaurant with Munchkin (five years old). Mrs. DM had to lift up the Munchkin to the counter. It was a bit of a struggle.
Munckin: “Daddy is the best at lifting me up.”
Mrs. DM: “Yep.”
Warmed my heart when I heard the story. My life is so rich without my cheater in it
Oh, and one more thing….. an easy, yummy and fast recipe for those days when you need to put dinner together fast…..
Stromboli…
1 loaf french bread cut in half lengthwise
1 onion sliced thin
1green pepper sliced thin
6 Roma tomatoes sliced thin
Good Italian salad dressing
1 package sliced ham, or turkey or italian salami
1 package mozzarella cheese, sliced
1 package sliced provolone cheese
Fresh basil leaves
“Butter” french bread with italian dressing. Pile on the onions, tomatoes and peppers. Top with basil leaves, then meat and finally the cheese. Bake in a 350 degree oven til the cheese is bubbly and the bread gets crispy. Serve with a nice salad and enjoy…..
Oooo! Tessie that sounds so good!
Kar Marie! Share your Monte Cristo sandwich with us!
I bet we all have some awesome recipes to share!
I will find the monte cristo recipe and put it here complete with raspberry sauce. Mmmmmm good!
I have the most amazing talented compassionate sensitive fierce trenchant hilarious daughter with whom I have the longest (27 years) successful relationship of my life.
She is a professional working comedian and her community has spawned many of the voices we count on to help us navigate our culture.
She and her friends make me laugh, think, and feel hope for the future. Here’s some of her tweets:
A fun way to refer to many men is “menses”
Ex Machina texts: i (?) miss u this is machina btw
um does everyone at writer’s group feel I “basically copied Twilight verbatim but with juggalos” or just you Karen
Dance like no one’s watching since your mom forgot about the recital and now Heather’s parents are asking if you need a ride home (you do.)
When one door closes another door opens because this apartment is a total shithole.
A woman with two black eyes helped me pick out a mango, now I’ve got the engine running while she packs a bag and doesn’t leave him a note.
All these dummies wasting quarters on laundromat arcade games like they don’t know about the rows of orgasm chairs.
Hey endangered species, how about be more fuckable?
I am still laughing at this one, “Hey endangered species, how about be more fuckable?”
Mangoes to safety. Thank you!
She’s always been awesome that way, even as a little girl.
Hahahaha, those are great! Love the recital and apartment ones – thanks for the laughs!!
I had parent teacher conferences last night and it was AWESOME. My son had the best report card in the class and the teacher had nothing but great things to say about him. Told me he was not only smart but very kind and showed such compassion and caring for his classmates. As Chumps we know that is something some people just don’t possess ever. Being told your child is kind is far more gratifying than being told he is smart! I was told by her “whatever you are doing just keep doing it because you are doing a great job too”! Super proud mommy moment for him (and damn proud of myself too)!
That is lovely!! I know just how you feel. My high school boy cried at the school assembly for veterans yesterday. I’ll take that over an A any day.
So awesome! Be proud.
I love living in my home by myself! I have never lived alone before, and I thought I’d be lonely. But instead, I am relishing having my own space, just my puppy Lucas and me.
Oh, and I finally took up pole dancing fitness classes, and I’m having so much fun.
You made me laugh Sarah. My friend and I signed up for pole dancing and it was hilarious.
Sharing Chex mix with my 6 year old son today. Without saying a word he starts giving me the rye chips out of his handfuls because he knows they’re my favorite.
I love that kid.
I first want to start off by thanking all my fellow Chump veteran for their service to our country! Regardless of branch of service or length of commitment, you swore an oath to defend the country and that can never be appreciated enough.
This is the first Veteran’s Day I have ever taken off! I slept in, played with my dogs and went shooting (to each their own, but I enjoy killing targets). I will spend the day with my sister (also a veteran) and tonight we are going to an event for veterans and paid for by my work where we have to dress up. I love dressing up. It’s going to be a really good day.
Thank you for your service, Annie!
Thank you for your service.
And shout out to my best friend from high school, L—–, a West Point graduate, who was discharged after twenty years for being gay (this was in the 90s) but parlayed her grief into education, got her PhD from Harvard and is back teaching at West Point.
And J—–, my college friend and retired Army Ranger. His son was murdered in a drive-by so now he teaches martial arts and ballet to adolescent, African-American boys, after school for free to inspire them and give them tools of self-discipline and hope.
Thank you all who serve to keep our way of life safe for the rest of us.
Yes Annie!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!!
Jeep
Enjoy your beautiful, well-deserved weekend, Annie!
My first post and am HAPPY to start it on this positive thread. Only 2 months out and have read here everyday since. Thank you CL and CN. After crying under the covers this morning and feeling buoyed by the strength of all of you, I will visit my relative in the nursing home today.
Welcome. This is a place of healing, comfort and support. We are all here for you.
Welcome Strong and Real. Good for you for doing something positive for yourself and your relative today.
We are all here for you.
Welcome! Keep posting.
Welcome! I’m sure your relative will really appreciate the visit.
Got my son into a good treatment center in California. 9th or 10th one. Let’s hope he can beat his Heroin addiction. He is still alive after being resuscitated and given some type of shot on the streets of Hollywood.
Arnold, I am sorry. How are you doing?
Pretty worried. This is my only vulnerability now, my kids. Nothing else worries me.
As most everyone, surviving life’ pitfalls (alcoholic dad, child sexual abuse, Autistic son with Down Syndrome, two marriages with wives cheating, and ten years dealing with this addiction deal) has made me realize that nothing else that happens to me can really hurt me anymore. Something happening to one of my kids is another story.
As I mentioned, we have been down this treatment road about 10 times now, Every penny I had saved for retirement after 30 years practicing law, is gone, now. But, he is still alive and there is hope.
Will be living on SS , I guess, unless I win the lottery. But, I could not live with myself if I had not spent every dime trying.
Thanks, everyone for the kind wishes.
I wonder if there isn’t some way we might start up a Chump Red Cross or, better, Chump GoFundMe.
I often feel overwhelmed by the need of so many in this world and try to help financially – usually around disasters like Katrina by contributing to big organizations and strangers.
But we are a family (who, on Election Day, successfully survived our first family brawl – which reminded me a LOT of my FOO holidays -drunken, violent, political) and I’d like to support you and CakelessinKalamazoo and anyone.
I don’t have a lot but we are 10 million strong.
I’m also hoping for a Chump Retirement Community on a white, sandy beach in Belize where we all live out our golden years together in person. Laughing like crazy. And I know who’s hosting the potlucks!
I agree, that is a wonderful idea!
You are a wonderful, caring Dad, Arnold. I pray your son is helped by this time in treatment.
Hoping for the best outcome Arnold.
Oh Arnold I just want to say you’re an amazing Dad and I will put you and your children at the very top of my prayers.
I’m sorry, Arnold. It kills us when we can’t save our children from suffering.
A book that might resonate with you is “My Beautiful Boy,” written by a father whose son has an addiction.
I will check it out. Thanks, Tempest.
This son, Michael, had a rough childhood. His older brother , Henry, is severely disabled. I am not sure what effect that had on him, but I think he was cast in the role of protector very young.
And, my first wife, his mom, essentially abandoned me and both boys while she chased strange dick and got drunk every night.
I changed virtually every diaper and was the only parent he really knew as a young kid, until the divorce and a court order that his mom had to start parenting 50% of the time. Even with that in place, due to her frequent “excursions” I still had the boys about 70% of the time.
So, I am really close to him. He has stolen every computer I owned and sold it, sold my bicycle, stolen checks and credit cards, clothing, cash , anything that is not tied down to get Heroin.
Then he goes to treatment, gets sober for a few months and writes me letters, apologizing and begging for forgiveness, he feels such shame.
Like many parents, initially, I was angry as I thought there was such a big volitional component with his choice to continue doing this.
But, I have changed my outlook after lots of reading and now view it as a real illness, somewhat beyond his control, although not completely.
Seems the use of opiates alters the brain chemistry and build s receptors for pleasure that can only be filled by opiates ( this preventing normal pleasurable experiences from even registering as pleasurable). Thus, when he is off opiates, the world is a gray, joyless place and that becomes intolerable after a while.
Historically, his relapses occur 3-6 months after completing treatment. By that time, much like a woman forgets ,to some extent, the pain of labor, the agony of withdrawal has faded from his memory. And, out of the cocoon of treatment, he is back exposed to life’s stresses, which have increased even more due to the stuff he now faces as consequences of his behavior while using ( theft from friends, lying, poor job history preventing employment, lack of meaningful job or life skills due to years of falling behind while he used.)
So the withdrawal pain has faded, life is looming, he is out and about with access. Then, thinking he is safe in his sober house, I will get a call that he is gone.
Then, I will get a call begging for money. If I refuse or do not have the funds, I am told how I caused all this and was a terrible dad( again, he always apologizes (( the times he can remember)) once he sobers up from the next treatment.))
Then I scramble and find a way to get him back into treatment when he cries and begs for treatment help. And, it is rinse and repeat.
This time, finally, on advice from some of his addict friends that have recovered (mainly due to being imprisoned for a few years), I let him stay on the streets for a longer time before interceding and did not send any money. The thinking is to let him “bottom out” ( which in the case of five or so (( I cannot keep track)) of his high school friends has resulted in death))
This , theoretically, motivates or scares some enough to get them to quit.
Really, he needs to be in residential treatment for more than the typical 30-90 days. So, this latest one is looking to keep him a year.
Who knows, maybe tenth time is the charm.
Thanks for the book recommendation.
Arnold–that 3-6 month window after recovery is the most common to relapse, and for exactly the reasons you say. Opiates are highly addictive physiologically, and very few addicts do recover until they hit rock bottom. But there is a risk to “rock bottom,” and as a parent, you must have found it very hard to let your son take those risks without swooping in to save him.
I just had a former student get off meth after a 7 month stint in a group home (which got him past that 3-6 month mark), and the student is doing well. The year-long program for your son sounds ideal, but it can’t be cheap. I would love to set up something that people can contribute the price of a coffee toward your son’s treatment (CN has thrown our support to other people, so you won’t be the first). Either email me at tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com or go through CL. Hugs!
Thank you,Tempest. This place offered to take him and allow him,at 26 and an adult,to sign a contract to payback what insurance does not cover.
His mom,now sober herself for over 20 years,got him on her insurance even after age 26, as a disbled dependant.
So,I just need to help with incidentals. I have a big case that I think will settle at mediation next Friday,and should be flush for a while. Very kind of you to offer help. Think I can manage this time.
3-6 months is also overdose time,too,as you probably know. They go back to their old dosage before building their tolerance back up.
My son was really good looking. Came back one time from Portland, with a face tattoo and at 6’1″, weighing 124lbs. He had,supposedly,been in Junior College and going to a Methadone clinic. Complete lie.
Methadone,I have seen with him,makes him just as non functional.
Sorry Arnold – I know how you feel. I have a son with an addition issue too. He was recently passed out and revived with narcan by the police. He is on probation now….hoping this is will be enough to keep him away from the drugs forever.
Sitting, my sympathies. I had the same thought when Michael fell out of a car, heart stopped on the streets of Hollywood last Christmas. I hope this does stop your son.
Losing multiple friends to this and his own near death and revival with Narcan, did not stop my son from relapsing.
I cannot even begin to imagine how powerful the draw to this drug must be.
My son told me the story re his first use. he was with his friend, Nat, and they were about to try it. Just before sticking the needle into his arm, Nat turned to Michael and said ” this is it. There is no gong back. ” And, at 16 , it all began for them.
Nat is alive, married with a child and good job. He went to prison for 2 and a half years and that is when he beat it. 90 days does not seem to be enough and that is as long as Michael has ever been in treatment. he always relapses.
When he called me last week on the streets of Encino, asking for help, initially, I suggested he go to the nearest jewelry store and throw a brick through the widow, grab something and allow himself to be caught. That is how bad this has gotten.
I hope your son makes it. I wish other kids would realize that when they try this stuff, odds are they may never get off it.
I’m so sorry, Arnold. I have addicts in my family and it’s such a tough choice for parents to draw that line of “no more.” You’re doing the right thing.
(Non-creepy hugs from an internet stranger.)
Arnold, I am very sorry to read your post. My thoughts and prayers are with both you and you son. I do hope he comes through this happy and healthy and lives a good life. He has a wonderful father in you Arnold. (((HUGS)))
Thank you, Maree. I plan on visiting him over Christmas with one of my daughters.
Jedi Hugs Arnold, may the force be with your son!
((((Arnold)))))
Addiction is the biggest shit sandwich of them all.
Thank you. Sorry to be a downer to what was supposed to be an uplifting thread. Just needed to get this out.
In a way,trying to explain what this is like to my friends is much like trying to explain infidelity. They get that it sucks,intellectually. But,they are mystified be my inability to just cut him out of my life.
My friends cannot understand why just walking away is so hard. They all claim they would just cut their kid out. But,none of them have actually faced it.
My son was very talented. He can draw so well and he could have been an excellent basketball player. He is only 26,so,maybe ,if he beats this,he will go on to have a good life. Recovery rates are abysmal,though.
Oh heavens, Arnold. I know all about that tough love philosophy … it comes from folks who have never been there. No loving parent could ever walk away if there were even the smallest glimmer of hope. I sincerely wish you the best on this hard road. (((Hugs)))
Arnold, apologies for being late to this. You may not receive my message but I believe there is merit in sending my Love and Appreciation to you for who you are. It is like a prayer, and though unseen its’ travels can not be interrupted.
I’m sending a video (I hope to!) that encompasses a complex interweaving of so many delicious elements. The origin of Leonard Cohen’s song is not meant to interfere with interpretation, he tells us.
As such a profound poet he allows us to use it as representative of any passionate endeavour. You and your son. You and your recovery from infidelity. You and your commitments. It has magnificent horses, Al Pacino, Gabrielle Anwar, dancing and a ballet dancer. Pick any aspect that resonates.
And be elegantly swept away by our beloved Cohen’s haunting voice and lyrics. We are celebrating his life this weekend, and I kind of suppose that the world knows him!
This is ‘something good’ for CL and CN, even though, or perhaps because of the fact that it is commemorative. V
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEVow6kr5nI&w=560&h=315%5D
Arnold, I wanted the vid to show up here (not as a link). I need Ian’s help!!!!
Will try:
I bought myself a nice new ring to replace my wedding rings. After forty years I felt very vulnerable with a ring on. Wish I could share a pic of it.
I spent the last three nights home alone and only cried once, didn’t have to phone a friend one time!!!
I clipped my cats toenails all by myself!!
Have kept no contact for two weeks and a day!!!!
Every day counts! 15 days is awesome! Well done.
I also bought myself a new ring, for my birthday actually, just 3 months since DDay. It’s in the shape of an arrow……(I happen to be an English teacher and love symbolism).
I woke up to coffee. Best day ever because that coffee was made by my 12 year old son who has never made it before and he was super excited just to wake me up and see me drink it. ?
That’s beautiful. You will treasure this memory!
I am still in a state of shock and panic and cannot lose this sense of dread but I’ll try my hardest to say something positive.
Let’s see. My smoke alarm that is way up high in my cathedral ceiling in my bedroom beeped all night telling me the battery is low. I am recovering from a broken leg and dare not get on a ladder. I had to leave for work worrying all the way in about what I was going to do about it. Just as I was coming in the entrance I ran into our facility electrician who lives four doors down from me. I told him about the smoke alarm and he said he’d come over today after work and put in a new battery. Yay!
Also I can still think back and feel steeped in love because when I got my leg broken in July, all my friends, family, coworkers and neighbors hugely stepped up to the plate and took care of me. Everyone did what they could that added up to everything. I found out how much I am loved.
It is overwhelming to encounter so many chores when you’re on your own. I still also daily feel overwhelmed and defeated. Rely on others, and don’t feel bad about that. I’ve noticed that a lot of people want to help, and some of those chores are simple ways for others to support you. My brother in law got all my fire wood for the winter, and I was so grateful that I cried.
In an attempt to co-parent out of necessity, I had to communicate with X. I refused to take a well-crafted, hateful bait that — I’ll admit — still cuts me to the core. Instead, I copied it, added it to the huge document of hateful texts and emails from him, and DID NOT RESPOND.
My hope is that someday, I will be in MehLand, come across the document, sigh and finally delete them forever. But right now, I fantasize of him dying and me tucking a copy of the document into his casket as a reminder for him in hell as to why he’s there.
But today, I DID NOT RESPOND. Yay, me!
yay you for sure chutes!
+1
You are mighty.
Yes! I say, he thinks he’s playing a game, but I’m not playing. Don’t take the bait, and don’t let him know he gets to you. I realized too, when the loser emails me (always to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do or say, playing a weird control game and baiting me) if I don’t respond at all, he also doesn’t even know if I read the email. It really confuses and pisses him off. How do I not let him control my life?!
Weekend Plans:
The BabyCat. Purring. Kneading on my belly when I lay down for a nap. More purring. And did I mention her sweet purring?
Two scheduled dinners out with friends. With Buy One Get One Free coupons for both! Which means I do not have to feel guilty for spending money on a glass of wine.
The Sunday newspaper, the only one I read because every other day of the week is too busy. With the NFL games muted in the background so I can look up when I want to see the scores.
An unusual Saturday evening without my teenaged girls. Which means I can watch the R-rated movie that I’ve been telling them we won’t see because it’s “too dirty.” LOL Which I will laugh out loud to and most likely snort through my nose at.
Wrapping Christmas gifts for the early celebration with my sister’s family in two weeks. While playing Christmas music! “The Gift” by Jim Brickman, while considering how blessed I am to be divorced for two years now and out on my own for a little over one.
….while looking around at my sweet little apartment, which is MY SPACE, decorated MY WAY, filled with ZERO unhappy memories — my private sanctuary that is UNTOUCHED by the ex’s influence.
Stay mighty, Chump Nation!!!!
I got married 21 years ago today. It was a wonderful day. I was surrounded by family and friends and knew I had found my soul mate.
As the marriage progressed, things changed. When the kids came along, things continued to decline.
When the howorker and her wonderful new world entered the marriage at year 15 the verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, gas lighting, and disrespect escalated not only towards me but our children as well. I spackled and danced and danced and spackled. And made my fair share of cakes!
Here I am, six years out. Thankful for my family who didn’t quite understand all that I was going through but do now and love and support both me and my kids. Thankful for my friends who stood by my side and offered help, advice, love, laughter and best of all still listen to me bitch and complain about dickhead. Thankful for my therapist who showed me that I was living with a monster who was slowly killing me and my kid’s souls. I am also thankful for finding CL and CN. The love and support on this site is absolutely amazing.
I am especially thankful that I took the high road. My kids respect me and my choices and I respect theirs. I have been able to teach them that the things their narc dad does and says are wrong and have done my best to raise them to be much better men than their dad ever will be.
I have a hearing set for the beginning of the year that should finally make the divorce final. It has been a long time coming with dickhead fighting me tooth and nail doing his best to defeat me. But he won’t. I know I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and honestly I feel as if I have already won!
For those of you contemplating whether you should leave or stay – leave.
For those of you that feel like your world has been completely destroyed – mourn the loss and build a new and better one for yourself and your family.
Know that it is not easy. It’s hard as hell. If you fall, get up. If you can’t get up, ask for help.
Everyone deserves to be loved and respected. Choose to love and respect yourself. You’re worth it.
So much wisdom and hope … thanks for sharing.
Thank you. For those of us really early in this process (4 months) it really helps to see how positive the future could look. Wish I could skip ahead a few years, but the hope and inspiration keeps me moving forward bravely.
Abusive Ex left our home (due to a PO) in January 2015. I and my two young adult children have not seen or talked to him since. Youngest son, who was 15 at the time, was court-ordered to have visitation in a public place twice a month for 4 hours. Ex has used the last year and a half to devalue and discard Son,. Ex delivered the coup d’grace in September by screaming at Son, “You are full of hate! I am moving on to a new family who loves me!!” On the front lawn with all the neighbors watching.
So, S17 feels pretty worthless. What can I do? I tell S17, “Your 18th birthday is March 3. You and I will be free! We must celebrate this day of deliverance. By happy co-incidence, March 3 is the beginning of your spring break. Let us go and revel.”
So, S17, D20 and I are going on a Carribbean cruise! Yes, it’s one of those massive ships where we will be packed into steerage (I envision us doing an Irish jig with Jack and Rose) but we will lie in the sun, eat dinner at midnight and do . . . whatever you do on a cruise. But S17 will know that he is worthy and deserves to have a kick-ass vacay. Vive la liberte!
Awesome grand gesture!
Super great! You will have so much fun!
(I want to bitch slap your ex.) That said, have a wonderful time…..pack some stretchy clothes…cruises feed you 24/7! Have a blast!
That’s an awesome plan. I’m so excited for you and your son.
Also, your ex is a steaming, ulcerated asshole.
I had always been scared of driving. I finally decided to do it. I just got my license and got myself a car. I drove to a dance lesson last weekend. I love dancing and the studio I’ve been wanting to go to is an hour away from my place. I loved it and I’m looking forward to it this weekend as well!
And my mom’s coming to spend Christmas with me. I can’t wait to take her around in my car
Very empowering! Happy travels.
Wow, about getting your drivers license and a car, too!! Mighty!
Mightiness for you!
Thank you! All of you here inspire me!
That’s darn mighty to overcome your fear of driving! Having a car is such freedom, independence, and safety for getting around at night. I’m very grateful to have my humble little vehicle.
Untangle, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
1. On a recent trip to Nashville, I left my phone in the Uber. After frantically trying to find him I finally gave up and was climbing into a cab to the ATT store, when he miraculously shows up with my phone. He got a big hug and a big tip from me.
2. On that same Nashville trip, I had breakfast at an old mansion that had been turned into a restaurant. They served southern cooking family style. I was travelling alone and sat with two other couples. One was a local husband and wife, and the other was a mother and son. We had a great time talking about family, life, and our hopes and dreams. At the end, the wife picked up my bill. Knowing I was from the west coast, she told me that it was a taste of southern hospitality.
I am white, and all of these lovely people were African American. I treated them with love and respect and felt nothing but love and acceptance from them. There are many good people in this world!
I have been trying to talk my husband in to trying hot tea for YEARS. Every time he gets sick, I say, “Drink some tea, it will help with your throat.” He insists that hot tea is gross and he doesn’t see the point. He has sinus chaos this week, coughing and snorting to the point of driving me inside. I made a doubt batch of apple cinnamon tea, put it in a Yeti tumbler and FORCED it into his hand as he left for this morning.
Me: Try the tea. It will taste like hot cider. You’ll like it and it will help with your throat.
DH: I don’t like hot tea.
Me: Try the tea.
DH: But I don’t like it! I’ve told you I don’t like it!
Me: Try the tea.
DH: You know I hate it when you try to get me to do things I’ve told you I don’t want to do!
Me: Try the tea.
DH: FINE.
One hour later, DH texts.
DH: You know, this tea isn’t half bad.
VICTORY!!
I’m thinking of those Life cereal commercials of the 70s. “TRY IT MIKEY! YOU’LL LIKE IT!”
That’s not too far off.
My favorite cereal! That and Cinnamon Life cereal.
It’s wonderful to read all these wonderful stories! It’s why I love CN and CL and keep coming back to read.
I’m five years out now, divorced for two. Married for 30+ years so X’s voice still intrudes but NC for two years now has helped so much. And this place. I came here in August 2012 and I swear it was the only thing that got me through the next two years. Tracy, there is no way to thank you enough. Your voice was often the 2×4 of Reality that got me going even when things seemed hopeless. You, and this wonderful community you created, are one of the Very Good Things in my life.
So much good stuff in my life now that I made room to let it in. The Elderly Cat is thriving in the condo I rent in a pet-friendly building, ground floor so he can still go out for a stroll once in a while and make sure his domain is safe. I’ve gotten a promotion at work and my income is slowly improving, and retirement is starting to look like a distinct possibility. My kids are doing great – one graduated this year as a social worker and lives nearby, I’m seeing oldest today to walk around the park and go for dinner, and most exciting I’m meeting up with third son on Christmas Day in Amsterdam! It’s actually cheaper to fly there than for him to come here. We both love traveling, and thought, why not?
I am, for I think the first time in my life, looking forward to winter. It used to be nothing but stress and darkness and sadness and endless lists of things to do. Not any more. I’ve cleared so much out of my life, often painfully and slowly, but it has left so much room and light for so many good things and people. And room for my choices, my joy, my happiness. If I want to spend Christmas Day on a plane over the Atlantic, that’s what I’ll do. I love my life now.
So to celebrate winter here’s a vegetarian slow cooker recipe for “baked” beans that I love. So good to come home to after a hike. Add a salad and some good bread and you are set.
4.5 cups cooked navy beans (approx. 3 (15-ounce) small cans)
1 large sweet onion, diced
3-4 tbsp molasses
3 tbsp maple syrup
2 tablespoons regular mustard
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
8 oz/1 cup canned diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
Mix up everything in the slow cooker and set. This is a very flexible recipe; cook on high or low depending on when you want to eat. You can also mod it with additions like ham or bacon if you are an omnivore.
Remembrance Day here, so I’m going to walk down to the Cenotaph for the ceremony. I’ve got Leonard Cohen (may Goddess rest his soul) playing in my head today, dark voiced poet, and I remember one of the things he wrote that inspired me:
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
Light to all of you today!
Another copy/paste recipe for my new crockpot ! But I don’t know if I’ll be able to find molasses in France.
RIP, Leonard Cohen, I love his voice.
Loulotte don’t worry if you can’t find molasses. Just use a couple of tablespoons of the darkest sweetener you can find – brown sugar, maple syrup. Experiment and you’ll find something tasty.
That’s one of the joys of the slow cooker – the recipes are usually incredibly flexible and you can use what you have.
Big Leonard Cohen fan here! My DD told me last night that he had died. I’m happy that I got to see him once.
Speaking of Leonard Cohen, have you heard his latest album, “You Want It Darker”? Wow! He will be missed.
My daughter is an amazing preteen badass and has way more confidence than I ever had, even as an adult. Recently, a boy tried to intimidate her in the hallway at school by “jumping” at her, like he was going to hit her. Well, DD has been involved in a close-contact sport for years and fears no one and nothing. So, she planted her feet, when he expected her to dodge and he basically bounced off of her and smacked into the lockers.
And then she walked away as her friends giggled.
The next day, the same boy called her an absolutely foul homosexual slur and then called her a whore. She didn’t know what the homosexual slur meant, because we don’t use the word in our home, but she knew he’d called her something bad, and then tried to slut-shame her. So she said, “Obviously, you’ve mixed me up with someone who gives a crap what you think.” And walked away.
She came home, asked me what he meant and sought advice on how to handle it. She wasn’t particularly upset that he called her those names, because again, she doesn’t give a crap about what he thinks, but she knows there are homosexual students at her school and she did not want that boy calling her classmates those names and hurting them. We discussed which course of action she would be most comfortable with and she helped me write an email to the principal describing both incidents, stating that while she was OK,
she wanted the principal to be aware in case this boy escalates. The principal emailed back almost immediately and said the situation would be addressed.
A few days passed and I asked DD if the principal ever spoke to her about the situation. She said, “No, and you know what? I haven’t seen that boy at school this week.”
Turns out the boy was sent to an in-school disciplinary program because this was not the first incident involving him and bullying. He moved back into the general school population and now actively avoids DD. There has been no negative impact peer-wise and other bullies steer clear of DD, too. This feels like a win-win.
It gives me hope that the people at the school have the students’ best interest at heart and that these situations can be resolved peacefully. And that my daughter will be able to navigate life no matter what is thrown at her.
WOW! I am so very amazed at your young daughter’s maturity and compassion! Great job by your daughter and you as her parent! Clap, Clap, Clap!
I was going to write about how the other night my dog and I fell asleep on the sofa, with her front leg draped lightly over my arm, her soft warm breaths puffing on my cheek — how amazing it is that these creatures of a completely different species have learned to accept and even solicit behaviors and body language from us that would be intolerable or even aggressive between members of their own species, and how I’m so grateful and appreciative of that phenomenon (oh wait, I guess I *DID* just write about that!)…
But a good thing happened the first week that I moved to Oregon: I was in a parking lot and started to back up (slowly, thank god), and felt the crunch of a car behind me — it was a car I had just seen go PAST me in my rearview mirror but evidently he re-backed up to take a space and was positioned behind me while waiting for the space. It wasn’t a big crunch, but I popped out of my car, all apologies, saw the scratch on the bumper, about an inch long. — The guy, all smiles, said, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s just a little ding. It’s really my fault for backing up behind you where you wouldn’t expect to see me there.” (Had I rechecked the rearview, I completely could have seen him.) I apologized profusely, So so sorry!, and he said, again, “Don’t worry about it. I hit a deer last week so now the back end matches the front end! Have a nice day!!” and walked away. — It wasn’t a crappy old beater car, either. — I’m still astonished.
Dealing with kind, reasonable people is a gift!
My daughter shared this song with me, as a way of supporting me.
It could be the theme song of CV:
You are not alone in this
I broke my ankle letting my dogs in the house. I had to go to the office where my STBX retired. I was upset about the broken ankle, upset about finances due to the appointment. I was treated very kindly. I was told that I didn’t have to break my leg to come see them. I was given my first dose of medicine, a package of M & M ‘a. I don’t have to have surgery and I am in an air cast so I can put weight on my broken ankle. I might be fostering a momma coonhound and her two puppies. My sister is coming to help me. Life is good!!!!
I’m relieved since my X got re-employed after being out of work 4 months (brief for him since there’s no one to support him) and his checks will once again be garnished for child support, which is all going into my savings account for me and my sweet 7year old (something we never had together).
I’m so thankful that I no longer have to endure his regular sad sausage stints in job loss. It’s way better on the other side dear chumps! CL speaks the truth. The pain is finite. Just take it slow and steady. You can make it. Love and healing to you all.
I have literally been doing the heavy lifting for so long, a stranger stopped me an said let me do that for you. My x was such an ass.
Hey, Chump… yes you,
You are stronger than you know. Scared to leave the cheater and be alone? You’re alone already and it’s been hidden from you by lies, I know that sounds harsh, but you have been surviving worse than alone already. Only better things ahead, I can guarantee it.
The uplifting news? You are so fucking tough and you are about to learn how awesome you are.
Yes, yes! So true and encouraging!
COTW, than you very, very, much for the encouraging and supportive words. xoxoxoxox
I’ve never posted in this blog before. Been going thru one hell of a divorce for the last 3 years and there is still no end in sight…however, this post has nothing to do with struggles, cheaters, or divorce. Only with positivity. I called a cab a few days ago and had a nice conversation with the driver – went to my destination, met friends, had a great time, and called it a night.
I called another cab today to to take me to meet another friend for lunch. It ended up being the same cabby that picked me up the other day. He told me he’s been hoping that he got to see me again and asked me out for coffee. I’m totally not up for it, but it made me smile and made me think yet again how lucky I am to be me! I have a great friends, great co-workers, my health, my kids are all healthy…. Sometimes…actually, a lot of time, I feel like life sucks. Today I got asked out for coffee by a stranger that remembered me! For that brief minute it made me forget about the daily BS and countless what if’s that go thru my mind and remind me that I’m worth it. We all are!
I love this story! Thanks for posting it. <3
What a great story – had me smiling for you.
You ARE worth it! Know your worth, as we say around here. Sorry about the long awful divorce, but that shit is finite, I promise. Never feels that way — but he cannot keep you married to him forever. Freedom will be yours!
One kid is still suffering from Ex’s cheating and Divorce. So yesterday, sat down and asked what can I do to help? We talked about specific things and clarified how this child is not like the cheater. Great kid. Loved by everyone.
Rejects Ex. Ex told him well I might not be around when you want to talk to me. Leave it to cheater to guilt and manipulate when He caused all the problems.
I told child you have a right to your feelings and no one can tell you how you should feel. Ex is an expert at trying to control everyone’s reactions to his actions. He of course wants no fallout. But the fallout has been major. Child has cut off inlaws because they keep pressuring him to forgive the cheater. Child isn’t ready. Doesn’t know when he will be.
I suspect until the Cheater acknowledges the pain he caused Child, there will be no movement.
So be it. I stand up for my kid. Child is my focus and will be – don’t care if he ever resolves with Ex. That is the Ex’s problem.
I no longer feel the need to fix everything which is a major accomplishment for me.