By popular suggestion, today we can vent about all those annoyances of a cheating ex we are not grateful for. However, tomorrow — on Thanksgiving — I’m going to make you go around the table and say what you ARE grateful for, fair warning! On this quasi-holiday though — let it rip!
You might imagine your ex cuddled up in some warm bonhomie of assembled Switzerland friends and family. Preparing their marshmellow-dotted sweet potato casserole for tomorrow (Satan’s food stuff). Enjoying the wonderfulness that is them…
But you know the truth.
How he’ll hide in the bathroom when it’s time to wash dishes. How he takes his pants off when he walks into any room, draping them over any available surface. How she can’t go two minutes without a selfie Facebook update. How he insists on help with his back shaving. Her fervently expressed opinions about Agave syrup. (Natural sweetener or HOAX?) You know every revolting habit and cringe-inducing utterance.
Not your problem anymore, chumps.
So, what don’t you miss?
I am not grateful to be spending my first holiday without family, while my soon to be ex husband plays house with my nine year old, his whore, and her child, in my house. It is a particularly bitter pill to swallow.
🙁 Hug to you ChumpinDenver. Hopefully you have someone else to spend the day with. 🙁
I get it honey….but the absolute best thing you can do for the 9 year old is to have an awesome time (I’m six years in). Fake it. My ex got my girls the first two Christmases after divorce…they were 3 and 5. I went walking in the snow. I went to sushi with friends (a surprisingly awesome time). I saw the les miserables movie. It was OK
Cherish your time alone or with family/friends/pets/volunteer work (feed the hungry) to rejuvenate. And create your own thanksgiving with your 9 year old.
He doesn’t have anything really and he knows it.
Hugs and love from someone who has been there
Thank you. It sucks for sure, I not only lost his family to this fucked up situation, but my own as my family blamed me for the divorce and I refused to just sit by and take it from anybody, even my own family. But, I am so lucky. I’ve had about 8 people invite me to dinner and am planning on brunch with some friends and then dinner with some other friends. And I get my girl for Christmas and am already planning new traditions with her.
Enjoy those friends.. ! Happy thanksgiving!!!
ChumpedinDenver, how wonderful to have so many great friends reaching out and loving you! I have gathered a close group of friends around me as well and that’s how we get through this shitstorm of divorce. Focus on the positive, and as Lovey Dovey said, make sure your daughter knows that you are ok, and its ok for her to have a good holiday with her dad. That’s the hardest part of all this, but let your friends support you and you’ll get through this! ((((HUGS))))
That Sucks with a big old capital “S”
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. ?
A bitter pill to swallow…, while they move on without skipping a beat. Enjoying the family holiday tradition with the whore and her family, all the while maintaining his good guy image.
I can’t help but think of all the years of entertaining him and his family during holidays.
Every holiday for over 20 years I did all the planning, shopping, cooking, decorating and cleaning, while he did nothing other than take care of himself.
I don’t know how they live with themselves.
This was excatly me. He did NOTHING, not decorating the house, not the shopping, presents, cooking, cleaning non of it. For 20 bloody years, Lazy cheating arsehole
Making it all look easy is what makes us appear easy to replace. The good news is that our replacement parts will spend the duration trying to live up to a nearly impossible standard. Bummer.
Haha!! So true!!
Me too. 20 years of doing just about everything and then told post D-day that I “never took good care of him.” Can you say projection?!
I got that too! Now that he is a slovenly mess who has to do everything for himself maybe he is reconsidering.
Sir Sasquatch was the same with Christmas- I alone did all of the cooking, buying and wrapping presents, decorating, putting up the tree, buying ans preparing the delicious food. Lazy fecker did nothing but whinge.
They are able to move on without skipping a beat because they are heartless.
They have no ability to feel empathy. Remember that they suck. I struggle with my in-laws accepting all of this. Who are these people? I just don’t get it.
I really feel for you. I knew my in-laws for thirty years and they once said I was the son they never had. I haven’t heard a single word from them after the day she told them we’re getting divorced. 3 years now since abandonment. I really loved my father-in-law. It explains her ability to just go “poof”. Take care.
Same here – the in laws also “poofed” on their own grandkids – our youngest is a preteen. Assholes.
I am glad to be divorcing my dysfunctional in laws as well as my STBX. They maintained their relationships with my kids through me, but always treated them like second class citizens compared to the grandkids who lived nearby. Good riddance.
Same here. Apparently the in laws have forgotten When Christmas Day is and when their grandkids birthdays are. #disgustingexcuseforhumans
Same here chumpedindenver. It’s brutal isn’t it?
That stinks cid. My kids are grown i can only imagine how that feels. And in your home yet. These bastards have no sense of shame or compassion. No idea the hurt they cause abd whats worse they just dont care. Big hugs to you. It does get better. That bastard will get his one day. Count on it.
Yes it’s brutal, especially as a Chump we valued our family, the traditions, cherished our family holidays and making family memories. While they typically sat on their asses and were most likely day dreaming of their AP’s, or who ever.
They proved how much they valued family by walking out yet they still reap all the benefits while we continue to suffer the consequences. We have no other choice but to accept the shit sandwich presented to us yet again. It sucks, they suck..,
They proved how much they valued family by walking out
This. I am plastering this to my forehead. It says everything.
Thank you.
That’s so true, brit. I remember when my ex was supposedly trying to “make up his mind” whether he wanted to stay or go and I was dancing the pick-me dance like crazy. We took the tree down after the holidays and he wanted to divide up the ornaments. I started sobbing and saying, “I want to put them in the same boxes all together like always.” 31 years of memories. It still shocks me that he could just walk away from all that like it was nothing.
What an ass. He probably wanted you to pack up your memories for him to take, right?
What a cold, heartless ASSHOLE! This ornament story just shows you exactly the condition of his heart. So sorry, Lyn. 🙁
What a jerk, Lyn. Anecdotes like this remind us of their heartlessness.
Yes, 31 years and just poof, it was all over. My only child is over 1,000 miles away and I have no other family. This is one hell of an age to have to start all over. Meanwhile he is with a woman half my age starting new traditions with her and her preteen children. Oh yeah and supporting them too all the while claiming he’s broke. We owned a small business together and he got that also.
It’s been 17 months and I’m trying to build a new life somehow. I don’t miss all the emotional abuse but I’m so lonely and just plain scared!
It’s awful. How can the person who caused all of this pain get out with no consequences for his behavior? I’ve lost my husband, my home, my child half the time, his family, my family, my security…And he’s “happier than he’s ever been.” Not holding my breath for the karma bus, but hopeful that it hits him hard.
CID,
Don’t believe he’s happy as ever. One thing I learned is that they are the same miserable people they are with them that they were with us. It struck me last year after accepting my sister-in-laws invitation to Thanksgiving dinner was the absolute selfishness that is the cheater. Fucktard didn’t come because he didn’t want me to be “uncomfortable.” I called “bullshit.” He didn’t go because he didn’t want to leave OW. As I sat at the table looking at my 21 year old son, it dawned on me that it was the first Thanksgiving he had without mom AND dad. I later asked him if his dad called him to wish him a happy thanksgiving. He said no, and no text either. I told him how sorry I was that he didn’t hear from him but how thankful I was to have spent the day with him. It’s going to be very hard for your child to sit at the table and mom isn’t there. Give a big hug and let her know you are with her in thought and will miss her too. The first is the hardest to get through. Both my boys (my oldest worked last year) are having dinner with me tomorrow at my house. I have no idea if they will see their dad, but their choice is to spend the holiday with the parent who doesn’t lie, cheat, or betray. You will get through this and if I could I’d give you a big hug.
The fact that they never consider how their children’s lives are shattered by their selfishness is heartbreaking. They’re not only destroying their children’s lives but generations to come. Who knows what affects divorce will have on our children’s relationships with their significant other or their own children and how to parent. When grandchildren arrive the stress of juggling who to spend which holiday with or invite for birthdays continues. Our children will never know the comfort of having both parents or grandparents together in a relaxed family atmosphere where parents share stories of them growing up. Or have a father or parents to look to as role models of what family and genuine love is between a man and wife in a long term happy marriage. I shutter to think of ever having to be in the same room with the low life I married. I regret not choosing a more stable and ethical person to breed with. My son and I would have had a much better life if I had been a single parent using artificial insemination.
Oh my gosh. If I have to hear one more time how this is better than our daughter witnessing a dysfunctional marriage I may need to be admitted to the psych ward.
Trust me, they are not happy. Not at all. They are doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over. They cannot see anything beside themselves and this is a curse. Pain is changing you, is making you deeper, more conscious, more strong. Day after day, you will become a woman that can literally achieve anything she wants.They won’t. They will never experience this. They are lost in their own lies and narc behaviours. And deep inside these kind of self – damaging emotions leave scars. They try to destroy your self esteem cause theirs is so weak and wounded. They are telling you the most awful things… cause they know you can change your life. They can’t. And the appereance… the “happily ever after” picture they show? Is nothing more than a selfie posted on facebook… lmao… do you trust all those they say they are having “the time of their life”? I bet you don’t 😉 You will reach the “meh”… we all will.
Emm@
Totally agree!! They are unhappy. I really think they are really looking for people to punish. And then they get sick of always punishing and look for greener pastures. But all the while, still miserable and needing to make others as unhappy as they are.
I hated this too. I was not ready for all that alone time. In the beginning too much alone time was excruciating. I invited myself to my neighbor’s house! haha They didn’t mind and I brought food to share. I’m thinking of you and sending hugs.
that was totally the right thing to do. Often people genuinely want to be friends and to be useful and help others, but have no idea what to do and don’t want to seem ”forward”. By inviting yourself (and bringing food!) you gave them a graceful way to welcome you in. I think we all live in fear of offending or overstepping, so serious kudos to you for just saying what you meant and no doubt having a good time in the process!
I’m about to spend my first holiday without my kids, they’ll be out of town with the ex. I’ll be out on a walk with my dog…………….somewhere………anywhere. It’s a shame because I really liked her family – more than she does even. I’m still walking around in the Twilight Zone though I keep telling myself I’m getting to a better place.
Blindside
Same offer to you. U.K. Chump here so can hang about in forum for stellar bitching sessions. Holidays are just special torture for chumps. Hang in there. If Tracey says ‘meh’ awaits then who are we to disagree. Can’t wait for my Tuesday but I’m a newbie so I know it’s going to be a while. Xmas my first holiday as a chump.
Cap-that’s so kind of you to offer a helping hand. See why I love this blog? You are 4 months out and already guiding new chumps. ❤️
Capricorn, that’s a really nice thing to do. The first year of holidays can be brutal. So helpful to have someone to “talk” to if you have no place to go.
Ex & Lyn
? ?
Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were my firsts. The part that was awful was that I sat around before both thinking that I needed to prepare myself for this….the first holidays…..ALONE!!
Well, I wasn’t alone. I had the same holidays I always had with my family just without an asshole. I was shocked how much more I enjoyed the holidays not trying to tip toe around this precious fuckwit and apologize for whatever dickish thing he did around my family.
I get that my kids are grown and I never had to share them so gigantic hugs to all those that do.
I never had a good holiday with that asshole.
Thankful she has to deal with that shit now.
Fuckwits are the gift that keeps on giving. I enjoyed thinking that I “regifted” my ex to someone who might enjoy him more. At least for a while.
Great thought…regifting him. Actually made me laugh as my heart breaks.
Thanks Capricorn, I may show up – bottle of wine and all!
Now you are talking !!
What is it about narcs?.. It seems like a lot of chumps, myself included in this, have better relationships with their family than they do.
Maybe the narcs are not mutually exclusive with treating people poorly. Some of us just get it worse than others in their lives.
My stbxh your complain if his mother spoke to me rather than him about something important. She would say, “he never answers when I call.”
Same here. My ex would never answer my calls or his Moms. She said she had to call his friend to tell him to call her when she wanted to talk. I knew that too, but refused. I got AAA in case of car trouble and never bothered him. His trick was to keep his voicemail full even though you could still see who called and when. 1000% asshole! Yea, he bashed his family but now I know it was about isolation and stories that could be validated.
Same here, I got on really well with his siblings, after he had cut them off for seven years while he was the whore he is back with now. I’ve begged them to do whatever they can not to let him cut them off this time, including sucking up to the whore for the sake of the family. I don’t want him cut off again, in spite of what he has done to me, because I truly believe he would have been an ok person if he hadn’t hooked up with her in 1998. I believe some people make us better, some make us worse, in addition to our natural tendencies.
So they will be spending an early Christmas weekend with them in a couple of weeks, which is the family tradition before everyone goes of to Xmas with the spouses families. It hurts, I loved going up there together and being with his very large family. Sometimes I felt I liked them more than I liked him.
But that’s what I asked them to do, for his sake and the sake of the whore’s son. I don’t want him to have her and her hyena pack family as his only influence. They are evil, and I still hope that he will somehow escape and choose good people when he is an adult.
The traitor’s family is my only hope for this kid so he doesn’t turn into another sociopath, since I have been cut off from him since April, a child I helped raise since he was 2 and a half years old.
So I am not grateful about this horrible situation. On top of that DDAY was 31 December so Xmas and New Year are pretty much ruined for me forever. But I am still grateful for the traitor’s family, especially 2 of his sisters in law. They have been so kind to me through all this.
I’ll spend Xmas and New Year alone, as I used to before I met the traitor, It doesn’t matter I’ll also be working all of the 2 weekends on night shift. I am glad about that, it will make things easier.
Big hugs to those without their kids this holiday. I have been missing his kids so much.
Kiwichump–you are so large-hearted to worry about the son despite your own grief. I know from things you’ve written before that you are in a rural area, but is there anyone you could celebrate at least one of the holidays with to create your own post-cheater tradition? (If you can find someone to care for the animals, you’re always welcome State-side!). Hugs!
Thank you Tempest! I will be working in the rest home through Christmas and New Year and I am glad the schedule worked out this way. My colleagues have young families or grandchildren so it’s better if they have some free time. And thank you for reminding me that I have all the animals to be thankful for.
I have a couple of good girlfriends who have family cribs along the coast and I know I can drop in a bring a plate for Christmas barbecue. You yanks must try a southern hemisphere Christmas once at least! Jandals and pavlovas at the beach as I’ve said before. A bit of fishing, see a few penguins at sunset down here if you’re lucky, certainly a few seals. It’s such a beautiful place.
Sounds just lovely, Kiwi! I’ve never had a snow-free Christmas except for one year when I was with my sister in Florida, and I have to admit that it was quite nice to walk barefoot on the beach on December 25. I’m in the mountains of New Hampshire just south of the Canadian border, and we are already getting snow, which usually stays on the ground until the beginning of May.
You sound like such a nice, caring woman, and I bet that Traitor’s family will miss you immensely this holiday season. And I am willing to bet that they always liked you better than they did him!
Chumpedin
No thanksgiving here in U.K. So if you need support I can hang out in the forum all day bitching and commiserating and surviving with you! We can share virtual cocktails to help with that bitter pill. I could share eye popping tales of my STBXH to distract you from your fuckwit.
Big hugs to you.
I was born in the U.K. I have dual citizenship lived there until I was 11 (mother British). I’m going to ignore Thanksgiving tomorrow in honor of my country of origin. =)
I’m going to be happy. No dishes, no listening to X’s heroic stories, or stupid remarks, generally his BS.
I’ll be here tomorrow Capricorn.
Me too I kinda live here now!
Again and again, you are all just awesome!! Sharing “eye popping” details makes me laugh out loud!! Yes, yes…we all have a bucket of those! I am scheduled to river cruise in 2017 with family and my roommate (my SIL’s friend) is a chump who found out her XH was a pedophile. I told my SIL we can entertain each other for hours when sequestered in our room!! I live here a lot too and I love you all.
ChumpedinDenver, I am so sorry for your pain. This, for me, has also been the worst part of divorcing a cheater. I never had to give up my house for the OW, however–that is some special sort of hell. I am incensed for you. You should know that I just had to stuff down a fantasy of flying to Denver, knocking on your former front door, and scratching the eyes out of OW’s nasty head before skipping back to my car and the airport. I hate her. I don’t have a lot of hate. But I hate her on your behalf. What a horrible person. Rest assured that anyone that heartless and horrible is an empty shell. That goes for both of them–your ex and her. That is no love that they share between them. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t any sort of love like the love I am familiar with.
What I do love is my fellow chumps who, I am delighted to read, just gave you AWESOME advice! Believe it or not, the absolutely raw pain you feel WILL give way in due time to serenity. I dealt with being alone on the holidays by volunteering to work. It felt like my children were being ripped from me, and like my ex in-laws and The Coward were mocking me–like I was locked out of my life when I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, me breathing on the window, cold outside while they celebrated inside. So I went to work on the holiday. That took my mind off my pain, and I joined others who were sacrificing the holiday either by choice or by assignment. It’s a festive time, working on a holiday. People are happy or resigned, generally in a good mood, and there’s a sense of togetherness. I’m fortunate to work in a field that takes no holidays and needs people to staff 24/7/365.
As mentioned, volunteering is a nice option, as well, as is accepting invitations to spend the day with friends or other family members. There were holidays where I didn’t work, and instead I paced–literally–like a caged mama tiger whose cubs had been snatched away. I remember my dad reassuring me that it was going to be ok, that “kids need both parents” which sounded unbearably cliched and only made me wince. But over the last 5 and a half years, I have learned to agree with that–I’m glad my kids have some sort of relationship with their father, whatever he can offer. I think my kids are better off that they weren’t altogether abandoned. I don’t forgive The Coward, but I’ll take whatever he will give them.
And I have had some great times, too! My parents and I have a tradition of celebrating so-called “Jewish Christmas” (Chinese food and a movie) when my kids aren’t with me on alternating holidays. This year since The Coward gets the kids, we’ll do it again, and I’ve invited a single friend of mine to join us. We’ll have our family Christmas celebration the day before, and then Jewish Christmas on the 25th.
Meh! Have your holiday the day before or after–make new traditions, like decorating the tree or gingerbread houses on your Thanksgiving. Keep it light (be prepared for the reality that the kids might not want to live out a Hallmark greeting card like in your imagination, and that’s ok, too….) You might come to relish your adult time apart from the kids. I love the advice to fake it, if you must. It’s important to instill in your kids that you are ok, because you will be. I think it’s ok to tell them that you wish you could spend the day with them, but that you will be happy to see them when they come back to you. (One day they will realize how shitty your ex was to do what he did to you and to them, even without you pointing it out.)
Anyway. I just wanted you to know that we all feel your raw pain and all are outraged at the injustice. And there is no other way to look at it except as an injustice. But you will adapt and even thrive, and cherish how you fill in your time on your terms. Trust! And trust that he sucks. You aren’t missing a holiday with that asshole, nor with the fake, heartless OW. Gross. Time to plan the next holiday that you DO get to have with your little girl. I’m hoping that you have plans for Thanksgiving already lined up–try to enjoy it best you can.
Hugs!
Stephanie
The Best and Most Lovely Advice ever. I am not in this awful place but if I were your post would be very, very helpful. Even not being in this position I found it calming. Thank-you.
You have a kind heart, Capricorn!
“like I was locked out of my life when I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, me breathing on the window, cold outside while they celebrated inside.”
That is a perfect description of how it feels. Thanks, Stephanie!
Thank you so much! I hate both of them, but at some point in the near future will need to let it go. But not today. The thing that really kills me is that she has a child not much older than mine. She is not just fucking up my child’s life, but her own. Because there is no way in hell that this relationship lasts. It’s a long distance relationship and she will be moving here soon and straight into my former house with my former husband and my child. So not only does my child have to deal with her parents divorce, she has to deal with this new skank in her father’s life, and a new child in his life who lives with him all the time.
Apparently she thinks we should meet as she knows “how important our relationship will be.” When the douche canoe told me that I laughed for about 10 minutes straight and then looked him in the eye and said “fuck no.” And that was the end of that. I actually told him that he better keep her the fuck away from me if he didn’t want a scene in a very public way at something like a children’s soccer game.
what a fucking idiotic bitch, are they clueless or what. i am sending them much hate for you. what a nightmare, i am so sorry!
i am still remaining 6,000 miles away from stbxh and OWhore… dont want to be near that shit with my daughter, even if i miss my former home country 🙁
Oh, and that bitch will wear a morally condesecending air of superiority because, you see, SHE has no ill-will or hard feelings like YOU do.
I FUCKING HATE HER.
Why on God’s green earth did you agree to this? I wish I had not been so accommodating in the beginning of our divorce proceedings, it was another way I allowed myself to be a chump.can you rethink this situation.
FYI….I’m in Colorado, too.
We actually went to trial because he didn’t think I deserved anything out of our marriage. Still waiting for the judge to rule (trial was in August, FML). The shared custody was decided on in court before I knew about the OW. When I found out she would be spending Thanksgiving with them (it’s the first time my daughter has met her) I threw an absolute fit, but my lawyer said it would be a waste of time and money to go back to the judge to try to stop it and that I would lose. Apparently there’s no law against being a shitty parent.
Same thing happened to me ChumpedinDenver, we ended up going to trial, the judge I had is a stupid bitch. I hate her, I think she was enamored with X.
No law against being a shitty parent in this judge’s eyes, or being a lying, abusive spouse.
Judges need to be better educated on family dynamics, psychology, cheating, abuse and witness the aftermath of their flip decisions, along with a refresher class each year Training hours similar to student teaching where they get down in the trenches of real life situations instead of sitting on their thrown feeling superior in their ignorance.
Rules need to be followed. There need supervision and to be examined periodically on job performance.
Ugh Been there…(excpet for we didn’t have a child, which must hurt 1000 times more…)
SENDING HUGS! XOXO
ChumpedinDenver, it is awful you are alone for Thankgiving and he is with you child AND the OW. But it would me more awful, maybe, if you were still together… you cooking and him eating and leaving you alone after… don’t know… killing your self esteem and you love for life for another day. No matter what he does, you will always be the mum of your child. He will love you forever. The difference now, maybe, is that you are also in control of your life. You are free, It is yours. And even if right now is sad… it is not meant to remain like this forever. I send you all my love! You are mighty!
Emm@
Thank you so much. I know it will get better. It already has.
Maybe the OW will fall in a turkey fryer.
???
ROLF……. and this is my nickname at home because my three boys never told me when I kept incorrectly typing this in texts to them that I was actually saying Rolling On Laughing Floor…..I thought they were laughing as I was a mom trying to be cool with the texting thing.
Karma is best served extra crispy.
Crossing my fingers.
Well its been almost a year since my husband cheated and I am handling it better than when I first discovered it. Of course it’s still hard for me to completely trust him, and the anger and hurt still come, but not as often. I sometimes wonder if he is still in contact with the woman he cheated with because he has to go through the town that she lives in twice a week. All I can do is pray but then i met [email protected]..He saved me from the doubts of my cheating husband by hacking his phone..Incase you need help with hacking any phone or account or other jobs contact him
What don’t I miss? It’s a long list so I won’t bore everyone but at the top is the constant complaining about everything and doing nothing about it, followed by his hoarded crap that I would have to clean up before having his family over because he wasn’t going to do it. Topped off with the final course, his mother complaining about the taste of everything. How am I not an alcoholic from having to survive those days? Be forewarned Chump Nation, tomorrow I will not keep my list to a minimum!
Complaining. Sweet Jesus, my nowdeadhusband fucking invented complaining. He complained like a 6 year old on a long car trip in hundred degree heat, no air conditioning who has to pee.
His last wish was a really snarky obit in his University Magazine which I wrote. When it was published, the other obit on the page ended with “and he never complained”. Oh how I wish I had known what that said ahead of time and I would have added a paragraph on his ability to complain…it would have fit into the snarky obit without me looking like a bitch.
????
Good Morning CL. Since I found you and your page my life has been enlightened! Thank you for being you. You rock.
Ok- So what don’t I miss about asshat..
I don’t miss his lazy ass sitting in the recliner burping and “waiting for his food” everynight
I don’t miss nasty, dirty socks left on my kitchen counters anymore (insert gag sounds)
I don’t miss him going outside for a cigarette everyime there is something that needs to be done in the house and then yelling at me because I “nag” him.. (now I do it myself and love it)
I don’t miss his lying everytime his cell phone gets a text or call
I also don’t miss him disappearing for hours and hours and saying he was “driving” around
I don’t miss having to wait on him hand and foot anymore – and still it wasn’t enough
July 29, 2016 was our court date and we got divorced that day. It was devastating to me.
I was married for 24 years – lies, gaslighting, cheating, verbal abuse.. I got the jackpot.
I also got depression, insomnia, weight gain, anxiety attacks with my marriage. So I don’t miss any of that now!!
I just realized I don’t really miss him anymore.. Isn’t that great! 🙂
That IS great! 🙂
Leaving dirty socks on the kitchen counter alone merits a beating with a clean tube sock filled with batteries.
What a filthy slob.
????
Lies. I don’t miss the lies.
or the Lie-Face (which I didn’t recognize fully until after D-day).
Lie-face. That’s something to think about Tempest. There were so many so often…
Too many so often, with the lie monotone voice.., the tone of trying a little too hard to sound casual.
So many so often the lie-face was the norm.
What I am grateful for is gone.
As all narcs, my ex is expansive and funny. When he originally abandoned us, we were sad and lonely….where were the jokes? The guitars? The hoards of objects and people he kept around him like armor?
Over time, we created things we loved with the space that was left. We vacation with the money I did not spend on his debt addiction. We repainted our bathroom to include the animals we had seen on an Alaskan cruise. We got a dog. He never allowed that. We pay attention to special events…ballet recitals…school plays….drum lessons….poetry contests….while he documents with his fancy equipment. I do not miss the obsessive documentation. Despite all appearances to the contrary, life is not reality TV. Real life watched the kid struggling to remember the lines of the school play and loves the kid more for struggling. Real life notices. I don’t miss him missing the fact that there was an entire family around him who needed his presence. I don’t miss the mistresses. I don’t miss the friends who helped him hide the hanggliders he had bought for himself and his girl toys. I ran into them a couple if years ago. They are bitchy. The people who support evil are not fun to be around. I don’t miss the debt….12k….surprise! 15k surprise!!!! I don’t miss the gaslighting or victimstancing.
I am so very grateful he is someone else’s problem!!!
I don’t miss his deliberately loud burping, digging earwax out of his ears with his fork handle AT THE DINNER TABLE, lobbing his undies NOT into the laundry basket but on floor EVERY NIGHT and not picking them up, hogging the remote and complaining about my choices every time I had it, huffing and puffing or carping about what I was watching, complaining that I just sit here and read a book NOT COMPLAINING, while he watches HOURS of war and armament docos I don’t give a shit about. I don’t miss him saying “Do as I say, not as I do” all the time. I don’t miss being the chauffeur and childminder whose schedule was arranged AROUND the whore’s because I was doing it to help them manage child rearing post separation (they were not married) for 9 years, while he was actually cheating on me with her. I don’t miss being yelled at for nothing, freezing in my tracks whenever he yelled at his dogs because I thought he was talking to me, I don’t miss listening to the bloody lectures about a moral compass. They had already got boring before I knew what he was really up to.
I don’t miss visiting the whore’s grandmother every week because I thought she was an old lady who needed support while in fact she was aiding them and their affair, for the second time, she did it to his first wife.
I don’t miss the massive fuel bills all that travelling for the whore and her family’s convenience entailed (a good $7000 a year, I have now realised that he must also have bought her petrol on the farm fuel card, there’s no other explanation for the massive drop in the bill since he left). I don’t miss being a scullery maid in my own home. I don’t miss asking for firewood for my birthday and Christmas because he always left us without what I needed to keep the house warm for him and their child. I don’t miss not even getting that for my birthday and Christmas, or having to split the damn firewood due for my birthday, a week too late and together. Call that a birthday present?
I don’t miss being told that I love cleaning (!!!no I fucking don’t, I just had to do it all the time because he and his 4 BOYS made a mess!). I don’t miss having 6 miscarriages and nobody giving a crap for the last 4. I don’t miss feeling sick and exhausted all the time, constant back pain, which is GONE since he left.
I don’t miss being told I am asexual when we have sex 2-3 times a week and I was already 50, with fibroids and six miscarriages together all by natural means, NO fertility treatment. Can’t be fucking asexual and get pregnant six times from the age of 42 by being asexual. So I don’t miss all the lies he must have been telling everyone about me.
I don’t miss constantly running out of money, having to borrow more because of his refusal to stick to a budget on the farm. I don’t miss saying everyday “I’ll work around you!” for the farm work and NEVER having a work plan.
I don’t miss serving his majesty all his meals in his lazyboy, with a hottie for his bad foot and him pulling a long face every time and criticising the food. I don’t miss him cleaning the sink about once every 3 months, and making it all sparkly to make some kind of point.
I don’t miss him moving into another bedroom claiming it was because of our different sleeping habits, still having sex same frequency but not even staying in bed with me after. I was crying about it and telling him how much that hurt me and he still did it for over a year before DDAY.
I don’t miss him blaming me in MC for an unsatisfactory sex life while he was doing this to us. I don’t miss being discarded 3 months into wreckonciliation, after I had upped my sexual game taking more initiative, but the bastard would still sleep in that damn spare bedroom anyway. I don’t miss the total humiliation and despair it plunged me into, which led to me writing him a desperate letter saying I had nothing left to live for. Then he played sad sausage and blame me, said he felt ambushed by that letter.
I don’t miss the fucking MC who never challenged him, who said “outsourcing a bit of sex may be good for some marriages”.
I work 27 hours a week off farm now, plus run the farm and I have more time to myself now, more disposable income, the chance to eat what I want, when I want! I am thankful I survived 2015-16. I am thankful for Tracy. A stranger on the other side of the Pacific gave me the weapons to save my own life, or at least to hang on long enough to feel that I could survive this. I had already written my suicide letter, had all the means, redone my will, everything was ready, It was the anniversary of the day I discovered he had left me on the farm with their child while he was fucking her, while he claimed to be visiting his older sons in Christchurch. I spent hours and hours on the CL site, crying and laughing instead. Thank you Tracy and thank you Chump Nation. You guys deserve you own Thanksgiving Day. In fact, since it’s not a NZ holiday, I’ll make Thankgiving Day my own CN holiday from now own and celebrate it with you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Wow, Kiwichump, that is some story. I’m so glad you found CL and CN and didn’t follow through with your plan to end it all. You are a valued member here and we totally get the despair that gaslighting and mindfuckery create.
Look at all you have accomplished without the cheater in your life! It just goes to show that cheaters are energy, money, and time vampires. I’m so glad you are free of that POS! Hugs.
Thank you FindingBliss, So many horror stories here from other chumps too. That’s what helped me so much. I felt less singled out for victimhood…Then I read the recovery stories and I felt like an idiot wanting to die when so many survive much worse. So thank you CN for your honesty in telling your stories, good and bad. The survivors stories help so much, they give so much encouragement. And I am grateful for those who are many years past DDAY and into freedom and still come here to help newbies.
You are mighty! Your story is amazing and so are you. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, Kiwi. You made it out alive!!! He sounds like a total nightmare, and your life must be soooooo much better without him!
I won’t miss the massive debt hanging over the head of a 60 year old husband with little saved up for retirement and a historic money-pit mansion that he can’t even give away. I knew enough not to put my assets into a trust with his when he asked.
It used to be that a person’s success was measured by “net worth” and not the sheer volume of sparkly stuff acquired with debt. I suppose that went out with holding folks accountable for infidelity.
Rhys: I do not miss the way he commented on my teeth.
Mac: I do not miss how he was always late.
I will not miss the feeling of constantly being slightly on edge.
I will not miss my constant scanning of him for clues about how he is feeling.
I will not miss having to cheer him up, encourage him or persuade him to look after himself.
I will not miss feeling guilty for being a SAHM.
I will not miss my hypochondria.
I will not miss my eye twitch.
I might miss who I thought he was but I will not miss him.
Sounds like we were living with the same person.
Scanning him for clues to see what kind of mood he’s in.
Being accused of not being happy when I was feeling perfectly happy at the time.
Feeling nervous around him.
Sarcastic remarks disguised as “jokes”
So many..,
Same for me Capricorn and Brit. I won’t miss any of those things and the added bonus of over-the-top entertaining that always left me exhausted (i.e. 30 lbs of meat and 6 side dishes for a BBQ for 12, 4 of them young children).
Capricorn … EXACTLY what I would have written. Looking for clues into how he’s feeling … wonder which version I’d get each day. His mood alway set the tone.
This. Plus:
I will not miss the endless promises of the magical things we’re going to do that never materialise.
I will not miss him always prioritising work.
I will not miss the endless excuses why he didn’t do what he promised.
I will not miss going out for dinner and watching him eye fuck tweenagers.
I will not miss the carefully orchestrated selfish acts made to look not like selfish acts.
I will not miss having to mother him.
I will not miss the sex that was always accompanied by mind movies of him fucking other women.
I will not miss being anxious of his phone every time he’s on it.
I will not miss being the marriage police.
I will not miss fake counselling sessions that would leave me feeling wistful and empty.
I will not miss feeling like everyone else knows him better than me.
I will not miss the secrets.
I will not miss people constantly telling me what a great guy he is when I know he’s a shit.
I will not miss his aura of dishonesty.
I will not miss his embarrassingly sleazy ways.
I will not miss felling embarrassed by him.
I will not miss making excuses for him to others.
I will not miss his complete failure to emotionally engage at any level with any one.
I will not miss his cold stare.
I will not miss the passive daily rejections.
I will not miss the endless disappointment.
I will not miss being blown up with hope by the magical words, only to realise days later he never followed through.
I will not miss his laziness and unwillingness to contribute at home.
I will not miss feeling used.
I will not miss the feeling I am being secretly laughed at.
I will not miss the feeling that my husband is public property – a time share apartment.
I do miss the fantasy.
I do miss the dream.
I do miss the financial security.
I do not miss the annual Thanksgiving turkey autopsy report he and his father would conduct during the meal. I no longer have to endure listening to how the bird was fed, killed, and how the bones seemed to indicate where it was raised.
I do not miss the annual re-enactments of the holidays of his youth. He never gave a fuck about me or his kids; just wanted to drink with his cousins and talk about Uncle Gerry’s drunken Santa gaffes.
I do not miss holding three children off from opening their presents from Santa while their father had to shave, shower and get dressed for the day before anything else. Such a selfish control prick.
I do not miss the perfunctory trips to Mass at the crack of dawn so he could beat the crowds. I do not miss crying children because their father always made them feel like shit for sport.
I do not miss his seething rage during meals when I insisted on all being seated before digging in. I do not miss the sound of the tines of his fork on his ugly teeth. He did it because it annoyed the shit out of me, and I would eventually leave the table instead of listen to it. He never did it when company was here; just for me and our kids.
I do not miss him. AT ALL..
Oh the tines on the teeth! I blanked that one out. I won’t miss his left arm laying in front of his plate so that all spills ended up on his sleeve. The dry cleaning lady couldn’t understand why all his shirts had food stains on the left forearm. And his grown mini-me son eats the same way.
I don’t miss the ruined bed linen. I don’t know how but his side of the bed and the pillow case would always end up with an oily stain on it.
I don’t miss having to endure talk back radio every morning as soon as my eyes open.
I don’t miss and pray it never happens in any future relationship. Having to hand him a tissue every time we finished having sex.
I don’t miss having to clean his boogers off the shower screen he always left behind.
I don’t miss the bathroom floor being covered in hair from him giving his legs and other parts a shave with the clippers.
I don’t miss him going to op-shops and bring all these clothes home and then getting angry when I point out that some items were women’s clothes.
I don’t miss having to sensor most of the crap he said or did to prevent embarrassment.
Ewwww!!! I’m glad you’re rid of that disgusting pig. [and if I want to guarantee low calorie intake tomorrow, I’ll just re-read your list for hunger suppression ; ). ]
???
Ugh!! Thankful was married to a real life troll. Disgusting.
Thankful,
Did he want to cross dress in the women’s clothes or was he just too stupid to recognize they were not men’s clothes?
And…you are a far more patient woman than me. Violence would break out if he left mucus on my shower. What a fucking critter!!!
Disgusting shower habits seems to be a sign of the disordered. Fuckwit ex used to pride himself on his long hair. He’d condition it, then flip forward and back to spray conditioner across the tile. For me to clean. I figured it was much like a dog lifting its leg on the shower.
Survivor,
That is so bad but I am laughing my ass off. What a mo mo mo MORON!
Long hair went out with Whitesnake, leg warmers and acid washed jeans.
As annoying as he could be, all that stuff just seems ridiculous and immature now that I know that Grownups Clean Up After Themselves, regardless of whether they are in fact awesome.
PS There weren’t any legwarmers, but the Fuckwit DID begin each and every morning working out in a LEOTARD and TIGHTS in front of a mirror. I guess he liked his anorexic body just as much as his long hair.
Wow, just wow. I absolutely love this site because one, it can be hilarious and two, it constantly reminds me how asinine these folks are. I wasn’t the only one who lived with the Sun King! Cheating narcissists are a special breed indeed.
The argument about the clothes was always the same. That he liked them so he bought them. and I was just a critical judgmental bitch why did I have to take my emotions out on him. Often he would wear different items that screamed cross dresser and myself or our son would comment how they were inappropriate, ex would change and then sulk like a 3 year old. Know we know why.
He picked up our girls for visitation on Friday in a very feminine floral shirt much to the oldest daughters amusement. But if you asked the church that are supporting his recovery, he is not doing anything that indicates he has returned his homosexual ways.
As for the shower. He knew it annoyed me and just kept doing it. The more frustrating it became and if I said anything, I would hear why are you like this? Then I would feel guilty for complaining. This was just another layer of crazy making.
Yes, the INTENTIONAL doing of something they know that bothers you. I have a list of things that I know he intentionally kept doing to get a rise out of me. I just stopped reacting to it, but he didn’t stop. He’s crazy.
Oh Thankful.
Just wow. He is a stone cold freak show. I hate your girls have to navigate the terrain of his disordered mind.
What church does he attend: Our Holy Order of the Cluster B’s?
Good Grief!
Be gay or not, but don’t be a weasel sneak liar about it and drag you into his double life.
I don’t miss having to clean an entire house by myself, plan a menu, do all the shopping and most of the cooking for my entitled ex and his family of flying monkeys. I’m don’t miss having to sit through another meal with them, being their source of “supply” for them for their unending need to talk about themselves. I don’t miss exes family who would comment on what and what I’m not eating. I used to call The Food Police. “Martha, why aren’t you eating dessert?” If I did eat dessert, “Martha, you are eating dessert. Are you not watching your figure?” My exes family is obsessed with food. They constantly were watching what I was eating and how muh I was putting on my plate. “Oh, you are going for seconds?” And btw, I’m not overweight and never have been.
I don’t miss kissing my ex. There was something he used to do that really turned me off, but I didn’t dare say anything, because I’d probably get the comment, “I can’t do anything right.”
I don’t miss bearing witness to my exes gross habits. There were not a lot of them, but they too turned me off. I won’t repeat them here, because I don’t want to turn stomachs the day before Thanksgiving.
I don’t miss listening to my ex MIL tell my ex that he was “perfect and special” even though I knew he was a lying cheater.
I don’t miss the lying, gaslighting, cheating, triangulation, mind games, and blameshifting. I don’t miss all the work I did to run a family and I got close to no help from my ex for 20 years. I don’t miss feeling like a slave. I don’t miss feeling disrespected by my husband with all his “friends.” I don’t miss being jealous of his “friends” and his job that he worked six days a week from morning until 10:00 or so each night. I don’t miss doing the Pick Me Dance.
I don’t miss that feeling of my soul feeling ear-poundingly, gut-wrenchingly, forcibly sucked out of my core at the moment of the discovery of betrayal and post-traumatically for years afterward, nor do I miss feeling worthless because I am who I am and I like the things I like. I realize I am who I am because of the sum of my experiences, but I am not thankful that those things had to be part of how I got here.
I don’t miss his indifference.
I don’t miss his negative attitude, he sucked the joy out of everything.
I don’t miss having to listen to him brag about what a great and honest guy he is.
I don’t miss the dishes he’d leave on the table, his clothes on the floor and the drips of coffee all over the house.
I don’t miss having to take care of everything in life so he wouldn’t be inconvenienced.
I don’t miss his narcissistic bitchy family.
I don’t miss him.
I read your list newdaydawning and looked to see if it were me who wrote this list and forgotten I had.
Miserable negative attitude, sucked the joy out of everything, could be a vacation, a day out, Christmas, you name it. His only joy came from ridicule, making fun of his perceived short comings or stupidity he thought we had.
Bitchy miserable family constantly whining and complaining. If you had a cold they would claim to have a double cold (whatever that is). No matter what illness you had they had it too but suffered more, and always were near death.
Never happy for anyone.
The only time I remember seeing smiles on their faces is when their favorite topic of conversation was brought up which was flatulence. Flatulence and laughing at someones misfortune never failed to bring a smile to their faces.
I also don’t miss his endless lectures on what a great guy he is, that he’s a man of integrity. He is such a good guy and more honest than everyone else.
I don’t miss him spying on the neighbors and calling the police if their registration tags on their car weren’t current and it would be only the day after they expired. Who cares?
** oops, Not making fun of his perceived shortcomings, but making fun of my shortcomings or our sons, perceived by him…,
His three sisters are more crude than X and his brother.
Hello Mighties!
So… what I do not miss…
1. Mansplaining… Mansplaining all the time
2. He to me: “You have a belly.. you should get on a diet… but I am just telling you this 1000 times a day cause I know you care!”
3. He, to me: “Why don’t you leave your job? You could be my cleaning lady … and I will give you pocket money to buy me gifts”
4. Guess what? He to me, again:”She? She is a friend… just a friend! I will never cheat on you!”
5. He to me on a phone call after one decade together and three months before our weeding: “I actually cheated on you with her… but just cause you were not here”
6. Watching him watching the telly for hours with his mouth opened…
7. Anyone of his family. Literally anyone
8. Him wanting to explain me MY job… or anything else I was doing better or I was proud for
9. This sentence pronounced some days before the breakup: “You are crying? Really? Gne gne gne… the little girl is crying”
10. And this sentence: “Just give me three reasons to stay with you… just give me three reasons.. at least ten years ago you were pretty”
🙂 I am soooooo happy that all this is over and that I have my life back… as CL said… not my problem anymore!!!
Greetings from a European Chump… we do not have Thanksgiving but I will celebrate in my heart with you all! You are all great… really! You gave me so much strength… And CL… thanks… thanks… thanks! I know… I know… the “be grateful for” is coming tomorrow… just wanted to hug you all!
Ciao!
Emm@
Your guy is an ass!
OMG, Emma the guy is a sociopath. #9 was the dead giveaway. He’s gets off on your pain. So glad you escaped. Holy shit.
Dear Chump Lady and dear Chumps… I am so happy I found your blog! You helped me so much… your posts and all the story I have read gave me so much strength. I am really, really grateful for this. And for all the Chumps alone tomorrow… as someone else said before… I can be here too bitching with you all day long! And maybe some of you can actually teach me how to prepare a decent turkey! In exchange I will teach you how to prepare a real carbonara 🙂
Sending you all my love!
Emm@
Emm@-
You have a belly? You used to be pretty? Mocking your pain? CL is correct- he is a stone cold sociopath.
He can fuck off and die. To borrow Ian’s creative phrase: He can burn in a grease fire.
You are free!!!
I know… and it feels good! Actually CL is right… number nine was the real dealbreaker. When he mocked me on my pain was heartbreaking…. but in doing so… he opened my eyes. He actually made my decision immediate. Avoiding contact or the pick-me-dance was… easier, I guess. The rage helped me. I know that spending vacations and holiday alone is sad. But I undestood that is better be alone that feeling lonely with a sociopath 😀 I love the expression ‘burn in a grease’!!!! 😀
Emm@
Another one I’d like to punch in the face….,
Disgusting.., reminded me of some of the lovely remarks I heard from X that I had forgotten.
One that I will always treasure, “No one in their right mind would want to fuck you,” in his condescending tone.
I’m going to leave it at that for now..,
What a piece of art was your X as well… do you think they are related? It might be! And for the “No one in their right mind would want to fuck you”… like they were monsterns in bed, right? 😀 Mine had such an opinion of himself that if I think about it now…I really cannot stop laughing!
Emm@
Brit,
When he said that to you, it was because he knew someone else would, indeed, want to fuck you. He knew it was a statement designed for maximum pain infliction. It is not true.
No one, *no one* who was not deeply unhappy, jealous, disordered and had a brain like scrambled worms would say that to their spouse.
That remark alone is abuse. I have a tube sock packed with batteries that I would go up side his head while you hold his stank ass down.
Ugh. The things I heard:
Nobody wants to put a baby in that
You’re old (I was 30)
You have wrinkles (derm confirmed I def did not)
Her ass is bigger than yours (as he noticeably gawked at every woman that walked by)
People really hate you
You don’t know how to talk to people
You’re dumb (I was in med school)
You’re too smart (when I finally started to retaliate)
You’re a loose canon (when I got drunk to deal with the pain)
You’re boring (when I stopped drinking)
You’re obsessed with me (he hacked my social media accounts, had his friends text him when they saw me out, and showed up on my dates with other men when we broke up!!! )
I was also possibly responsible for WWI and II…
Imagine getting off on cruelty; still hard to wrap one’s head around.
I got the same exact statement. Fucking pieces of shit.
Emm@, he was a monster! No. 3 and no. 9!! What a creep!
Emm@, so glad you are free of that verbally abusive piece of #*$&@.
One of the last things my x said to me was, nobody will want to fuck your old fat ass. Well, I took care of the fat part by losing 54 pounds. I am not that old! But you can’t change ugly and that is what he is!
I am very happy he is out of my life … and I am pretty sure he will have what he deserves… like living with his own narc behaviour for the rest of his life without being able to fully grown up… This said, I am pretty sure that the sentence ‘nobody will fuck you’ is a glimpse of his own fears… 😛 And Ehy congrats in loosing 54 pounds!!!!!!!! You rock!
Awesome NewMe, you are now 54 pounds younger too!
X would laugh when I’d cry and tell me to run to my Daddy or Mommy.., another weird thing he’d ask me if I thought he was a bastard, repeatedly while I’d be upset. I never really understand what he meant by that but stupid Chump me would say no.
Lots of reminders today of some of the charming attributes X had that I had forgotten.
Good to refresh my memory at this time of year.
Some of the posts had me laughing out loud. I’m going to go back through to read them again and maybe write down some of the funny things. Wish you were all here with me or we were together to give hugs, share stories and give hugs. Thank you for your posts. =)
They do that, don’t they? Mine kept asking or saying that I despised him, when I was pick me dancing like a bloody dervish! It’s like they want confirmation they are bastards, but I am still not sure why. Is it because this is what they are constantly telling themselves, and truly they hate themselves, or is it because they want to know they are truly hurting the chump? Is it some twisted version of sexy dirty talk but about what they are doing to our minds?
They are just sooo fucked up!
Weird isn’t it? I often asked myself, when he asked “Do you think I’m a bastard/” am I missing something here?
Could it be some misguided dirty talk that we never caught on to? A dirty talk for them or a form of foreplay that excites them to see someone cower or be confuse?
Sociopaths..
Emm@,
Your post left me speechless, nauseated and so incredibly angry that you were treated so horribly. I am so happy for you to be rid of him. His sociopathic cruelty is sickening. I hope you continue to heal and move on with your life and have no contact with this man who attempted to trample your soul. Continue to take care of you!!!
I am grateful that I don’t need wonder if she is, where she said she’s going to be and with whom she said she would be.
I find it odd that after 16 years married (and 21 together) my ex-wife now means exactly zero to me.
At 40, I would never in a million years have guessed how life at 46 would look like.
The hardest part is not seeing my kids every day. And that grinds my soul.
^This^
This! Lack of presence. I won’t miss that either. Ex was a master of disengaged. Yet he will show up Thanksgiving week and play “Dad-who-cares”, and that is all an act because he can not be troubled to help support any of our kids financially.. This after twenty years of complaining about driving south. He will make the trip cause he needs the mask. He needs to show his twat he’s a good man. They both rot. Will not miss it.
I don’t miss wondering if prostitutes have been in my house again.
This is the winner, Geode.
True. That is the gold medal of suckitude.
Thanks Ian and Tempest. I think… ?
I don’t miss wondering if he is withdrawing cash in small amounts to fund his hooker habit.
So much I dob’t miss. I don’t miss the abuse, me locking kids and me in kids’ bedroom for protection, meeting police at our front door–the police that were there to protect HIM from being raped by me and theft by me. (He was a gold medalist in projection.) Don’t miss him pretending to try to run me over–right after I said something nice to him.
Also don’t miss hearing horrendously bad juvenile puns. I was reminded this week during child exchange when he made a terrible pun about me being equivalent to a ‘cum-dumpster’ as I refused to ‘hand over the farm’ to ‘poor, abused’ [lying abusive, cheating] STBX outside my new home. World-class entitled hypocrite he is. Kids and neighbors heard the yelling, unfortunately.
Really don’t miss thinking marriage was just something to be endured out of loyalty. Now I realize that it is possible to have a healthy, happy romantic relationship grounded in reality with someone else who enjoys monogamy.
Things I’m not thankful for– having another woman sit in my place at the Thanksging table with my kids, who have already asked why I’m not going to be there–while my ex’s Switzerland family sits there and smiles like jackles like nothing is wrong in the midst of mine and my babies’ pain. But that’s a drop in the bucket compared to what I AM thankful for–which is a lot. More tomorrow!
Mistique
Sorry – that is sucky in the extreme but as a sensitive kind of chump I know that often times other people and narc’s families are spackling and there is ALWAYS a bit of an atmosphere. Uneasiness. Kids pick that up. Your home will be gut feeling free.
Just to say. My STBXH is not a native English speaker and neither is his family. On big family get togethers they all seemed so happy and chatty and smiley but as I didn’t speak the language I was picking up all kinds of other cues, body language, intonation etc. Boy did they hate each other- all the snarky comments, the teasing, the silences, the tension. Mind blowing. I never looked at them the same.
Long winded way of saying. Just because it looks good doesn’t mean it isn’t rotten on the inside and people know. Even kids.
Can’t wait to hear your post tomorrow!
That’s a great point Capricorn! It’s like when you turn the sound off a movie or TV and just watch, you can notice so much more, I wish I had discovered that trick years ago. Don’t listen, just watch!
Kiwi
Unfortunately if English is being spoken I am an over sharer!! Never learned my own lesson – sigh….
Same here!
I don’t miss the feeling in my gut of uneasiness. Really it was there the entire 4 years we were together. I took responsibility for it, decided it was “my problem.” I thought I needed to relax. From now on I will pay much more close attention to that feeling and will not assume that something is “off” with me. I really had no idea that he had a secret sex addiction; it was a huge shock. But my gut was trying to tell me something.
^^^
Yes! I would burst into tears around my X. I would feel weepy and nervous, before I had any evidence. If he did not call, my stomach would clinch in worry and pain.
We have to learn from out body screaming out: Danger. Something is not right with this person.
I recently went on a date. Again, I liked a dominant, wealthy man who was a bit rough and charming. But (that word that changes everything) this time, I was on alert. I am schooled. I will never be that chump again.
When I told him I wanted to go home, he ignored me and said I could spend the night. I asked him again. He said, I could sleep there. (at his house). Ignoring my needs, boundaries, my humanity. I had to go home…I have pets.
When he went in another room, I got my purse, left and started walking. I got to a cell service area and got an Uber. He sent a barrage of abusive texts and emails.
(I even had to hide down in some trees when he when driving by looking for me after I had left his home)
I blocked him and never responded to his rants. I was right about him. One of his rants said, “What did you think…if you fell asleep I would ass rape you?” Ummm…..I do now.
NEVER AGAIN.
I am glad you got out, that was a dangerous man! Well done for listening to your gut early.
Thanks Kiwichump! I think he is…I am not going to make the same mistakes again.
I watched a New Zealand Cooking Show…The Free Range Cook. When I read your post about your Thanksgiving BBQue, I remembered the beautiful scenery in that show of New Zealand.
Focus on the delicious food and water and greenery and your X can go die of diarrhea with his whore…..who can’t even get a “real” Driver’s License. (eye roll)
Cheater’s never trade up.
Sorry for confusing you, I meant Christmas BBQ which is the next holiday we have coming. No Thanksgiving here, although I would rather see this catch on here than Halloween. Thanksgiving and gratitude should be promoted. What a beautiful holiday for all ethnic groups to share.
I don’t miss walking on eggshells at the holidays because of his holiday/vacation temper tantrums that came out of nowhere.
I don’t miss the stress and feeling overwhelmed because the burden of cleaning, shopping, preparing food for family and friends fell on me…he did take all the glory for frying the turkey.
I don’t miss the junk strewn across the house, the hordes of stuff in the garage, or not having a bathroom or kitchen when company arrived because he had torn it apart and couldn’t be bothered to fix it again. I went two years without a master bathroom, finally kicked him out and fixed it myself!
I don’t miss him at all. I can’t see what I ever saw is such a screwed up man.
“I don’t miss walking on eggshells at the holidays because of his holiday/vacation temper tantrums that came out of nowhere.”
Yes, THIS!!! Something about these narcissist and the holidays. My XH ruined every single one of the holidays and anniversaries we had together. He would make sure that these special days would be completely ruined and full of arguments and drama that he would create. So horrible!!! Like CL said, they enjoy your pain and hate seeing you happy.
I am grateful I don’t have to wonder what stunt he will pull to fuck up my holidays anymore. I’d rather be alone and in peace.
I do not miss how he rolls his eyes at any comment or situation that was not to his liking.
I do not miss his gunboat sized nasty shoes left at the door for anyone to trip over and smell.
I don’t miss his hour long constitutionals in the bathroom and the nasty stench.
I do not miss how he constantly criticized his coworkers–over the family dinner.
I do not miss his general assholy-ness and arrogance.
I do not miss the constant anxiety and depression I had while we were married.
I am not grateful for the Whore my Cheater ex chose. They live together. The novelty of my son visiting them wore off long ago. She allows her 15 year old to stay in his room playing video games. He only come s out for drinks and food…and takes them back in his room. She sucks. I wish he’d have chosen a woman who at least could love my son. She does not and it’s obvious. I believe she is a worse version of my ex. I pray sometimes that he will ditch her and her son and stand on his on two feet (cuz he’s never done that). It would be good for him and our son. It’s Thanksgiving weekend, I am working and my son STILL doesn’t want to go over there. Sad that his Dad is so damn apathetic.
Conniered, if she ditches him and your son, your ex will have someone in line in minutes or allready has one on hold. There will never be ‘on two feet’ with these guys.
I legally divorced my ex this June, him crying up till that moment to take him back and forgive all the affairs, he was all mine now, couldn’t I see? But I didn’t buy it anymore. He now wants me to say we divorced way back somewhere last year, guess why? ‘New’ girlfriend is not so new, and doesn’t need to know he was still married when they shacked up.
Grace
They always have to have someone. The way my adult children view it is that if it’s not this disordered.one it will be another.
Being unable to live on their own for any period of time guarentees yet another AP while living with the ‘special one’.
I have NO doubt you both are correct. I guess still Chumpy me is hoping…..then I see the reality of the situation……yeah. Sigh. I’m thankful my son has a home where he feels safe and that he spends most of his time there with loving relationships and a full life!!
I don’t miss the nightly noxious farts under the duvet, which when I asked if it was him, he would claim not recently maybe 5 minutes ago!!
I don’t miss the heavy sighing and grumbling whenever he was asked to help out.
I don’t miss his impatient driving and screaming/swearing at other drivers which they could not hear but I got to experience at top volume.
I don’t miss the temper outbursts that had him calling me the worst swear words ever.
I don’t miss the hiding in bathroom or basement with his locked phone and then claiming he was on call for work or that he was playing Candy crush.
I don’t miss the lies, gas lighting claims that he was not cheating, that his frequent long visits to the toilet was due to his bowel problems and that I was being unsympathetic by pointing out the frequency.
I don’t miss the person he became over the years that was uncommunicative, hurtful, didn’t have his heart in the marriage anymore and was deeply involved in porn and prostitutes, but wanted a wife appliance for convenience, forged image and ego kibbles.
Right there with you Christina! Always playing “candy Crush” locked in the bathroom, involved in porn, impatient driving, yelling and screaming, heavy sighing….maybe we were married to the same assrat!?
I don’t miss him changing the gears in the car while I was driving!!! I drove just fine for 20 plus years before meeting him! And the whore is only on a restricted licence at the age of 42, just like a stupid teenager, but he changed the gears on me! Only did it once, mind you, I made sure he never did that again.
I won’t miss having no appetite at Thanksgiving because I’m stressed out from having to look across the table at somebody that’s spent my marriage lying to me. I won’t have to look at her cell phone laying on the table, always right next to her, always on silent, always face down, and wonder which poor woman’s husband out there is checking in with her. I probably have a chance of being able to actually taste and enjoy the food I eat this year. And (unfortunately, but happily), some of that weight I lost on the infidelity diet is going to rejoin me again for a while.
It’s ridiculous what we take for granted before we end up in these unasked for (and undeserved) situations. Just being able to enjoy a meal is now something to look forward to. Oh well.
Blindside.
Your day is shaping up quite nicely! Long walk with dog fun, love and exercise all in one. Then back for GORGEOUS meal that you can ENJOY at leisure. May I suggest you wear clothes that don’t match? I’m always sick of trying to look ‘put together’ it’s a relief to wear fun stuff. And with the walk who cares what you eat as no pounds will accrue. Then some wine and a gossip with mighty chump nation. A bit of a solo dance around to celebrate her absence and maybe some chocolate.
Since my three ddays a few short months ago I have taken to cleaning the house while listening to music on my headphones and singing out loud. Really quite loud. My neighbours one sunny day told me I had provided a couple of hours entertainment for them and their guests for their outdoors lunch as they had tried to guess what songs I had been singing. Most of the time my singing must have been very bad as they couldn’t agree. Only one one did they all know – Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just saying. Life is now yours to enjoy at will. So go get it.
I do not miss
– his hillbilly family and their incredibly terrible cooking
– him scooping globules of the onion dip 2 inches from his chin into his mouth, all the while glaring at me AND his mother saying, “I made him his favorite!”
– the streaky underwear
– the headache I would get following a visit to the Hollow due to clouds of tobacco smoke
Free at last, free at last – thank God, I am free….of ALL of that.
Chumpfor21-
This is horrible, but the way you wrote it is so hilarious! Visits to the Hollow….or did they call it Holler.
Skid Mark Boy can go sit in a vat of onion dip and his mother can spoon feed him Ruffles while the Hillbillies eat possum stew or road kill roast.
Go have a meal at a 5 star hotel and fuck them!!!
This will be my first Thanksgiving minus the Kunty Kibbler, so what I WILL not miss is —
1. Finding ways to include KK in the dinner table conversation, like she was some fucking child that can’t contribute to topical discussions without it all being about her.
2. Watching her move to some other part of the house after dinner to web surf on her phone, like she was some fucking child that must be constantly entertained lest she become bored.
3. Receiving nudges and other not-so-subtle hints that she was ready to leave early, like she was some fucking child who has enough self-awareness not to whine in front of other adults but still just wants nothing more than to be in a safe space where she can wallow in her own perverted sense of self.
4. Next day conversations about how she really has nothing in common with anybody related to me, and how nice it would be if we could just go to a restaurant instead, like we did when we lived in the Twin Cities for 4 years.
She sounds antisocial and ungracious. What a weight around your neck. You won’t miss her.
The Coward behaved similarly, especially around my family or new friends. I don’t miss that. At all.
The separation from a cheater really is freeing and cleansing and uplifting. It really, really is.
UXWorld,
What did you like about the Kunt in the beginning? Did she hide all her shittiness? Or did she get worse as time went by?
Did you like her for looks and did not focus on character? (I think this was part of my downfall).
I did for mine, Devil. Handsome, deep baritone, witty, intellectual, smart, magnetic, charismatic. Character? Piece of shit!
Wow, I really wouldn’t even know where to begin with that one. All I can really figure out at this point is that I really misinterpreted the lovebombing, thought it was something it wasn’t. One really good first date turned into several, and I figured that meant it was something uinque.
Definitely wasn’t looks. When we first met my thought was “Okay, pleasant looking but nothing special there — let’s check out the personality a bit more and see what we’ve got.”
Isn’t it funny? They were not that special, even from the jump. My grandmother told me something I wish I had listened to:
Be careful who you spend time with, even casually. Mess around with them long enough and you will end up with them…for good or bad.
One time, a neighbor I respected asked me who my X was (before we broke up). I am not a liar, but before I thought I said: That’s my cousin.
I must have been ashamed of him and it just came out. Isn’t that weird? I did not want to claim him as “mine.” That old gut feeling rising up and bitch slapping me in the face.
Can I get an AMEN!
This is my first Tgiving without my Fuckwit in about 14 years. Call it Tgiving, Xmas, Memorial BBQ it was always a fucking crap shoot if relatively nice Fuckwit would show up or if the guy equivalent of KK would be in attendance. Sulking, always on his phone, complaining and just being a negative asshole. Last year, his alcohol issues were really florid on top of everything else. His football team played in the morning and I was hosting like 12 people for Thanksgiving. I remember being so on edge that he would return from the bar (because no fucking way he was skipping the game to help me), so drunk that he would be either passed out in the bedroom or just wasted in front of our guests. We staggered thru the evening and he was his usual asshole self.
I am so grateful this year that I do not have to approach with dread the concept of sharing the holiday with friends and praying that he keeps it together. His negativity, his sulking… just his whole asshole presence … poof gone! So glad.
so many things… but hearing ‘it never ends’ every morning – well it did yeaaah!
My mom considered herself a cook but because she was an alcoholic with BPD, she considered me a rival before I was out of diapers, so she endlessly told me what a fabulous cook she was but never taught me anything and then made fun of me anytime I tried.
So I marry nowdeadhusband who needs something to torment me with so he piled onto my parents torment with cooking and did everything possible to covertly sabotage my attempts to cook the family meals he overtly told me that he expected. It was a fucking nightmare every single holiday and Thanksgiving was the pinnacle then add to it Im a Nurse and often have to work part of the holiday so I was trying to balance both things and he made it horrid.
One Thanksgiving, he threw a monkey wrench into every single attempt I made to cooking dinner then as soon as dinner time came, he piled the kids into the car and drove to McDonalds informing me that he was going to “tell everyone that you forced us all to eat McDonalds on Thanksgiving”.
It was 20 yrs before I learned he was likely fucking somebody and used shit like this to distract me.
I am guessing he is still in Purgatory this Thanksgiving, maybe Tim McVeigh makes a great stuffing and Lizzie Borden cooks a mean turkey…I hope they have a nice holiday together.
Damn Unicorn! Lucky you! Thank goodness youve been exiled. At least he had the decency to kick the bucket. I swear narcs shouldnt breathe the same air as the rest of us!!
What a supreme prick. And you, a nurse. You deserve every happiness you get from him being gone.
UNM–I wished he’d lived a little longer, giving you a chance to shove a very large turkey bone down his gullet. Asshole.
Yes, but everything there ends up burnt to a crisp and reeking of smoke. I’m quite sure that your cooking is excellent and now you have someone loving to share it with. So happy for you!
I don’t miss the anxiety attacks he had when things weren’t going his way.
I don’t miss him thinking that he was dying from his early thirties until our seperarion at 37 (he’s still here shucks)
I don’t miss him wanting sex when he was sick because in his ridiculous brain he thought he could sweat it out when he could have just walked up a flight of stairs with the same effect.
I don’t miss his constant complaining of how bored he was all the time.
I don’t miss him draining our accounts and credit and putting it in a slot machine “that just had to pay” before Christmas.
I don’t miss that nasty look on his face as he sat on our living room couch while I took down our 6 foot Christmas tree and then struggled to take it downstairs to the basement for storage.
I don’t miss his disordered family who would stab each other in the back at a moments notice.
I don’t miss him boasting how great he thought he was – he was a 7 at best and if he opened his mouth he promptly fell to a 3.
I don’t miss him picking an argument right before bed after he stormed around the house all day saying nothing.
I don’t miss him at all.
I don’t miss…
– Seeking her validation for who I am.
– Having to buy her ridiculously over priced designer goods for xmas.
– Her trying on 3 dresses, asking my opinion on each of them, me giving my opinion and her ignoring my opinion (Everytime).
– Her asking me if she was beautiful
– Her telling me it’s Saturday, the day we tidy the house – Now I just tidy my own house whenever I like.
– Living in a house that I felt I was just a lodger in
– Being made to feel useless
I don’t miss the sense of having no power over the course of my life because of someone else’s selfish decisions.
+1
Nicely summed up – this really encapsulates all the comments here.
It was hard to craft a response to CL’s question because what I and the children have lost due to X’s selfishness cannot really be adequately defined in any list. But the utter despair of feeling powerless in an abusive relationship comes the closest.
I agree, Eve. It was the worst feeling in the world and one I hope to never have again.
Exactly this!
This!!
so, of course there are many more,,,
his narcissistic family we were compelled to holiday with
the cost of his hair transplants
his weird campaigns to pump his own ego
manscaping….now i know why! – chump indeed!
washing his endless cycling lycra
obsession with watching holocaust History channel
his uncanny knack of playing the sad sausage at family events – somehow securing his victim status
the horrific panic attacks that came out of nowhere (now mysteriously gone)
the triggering anxiety that came with the sound of the garage door opening
the blind panic of paying for the food shop and wondering if we had enough money in the account despite earning a decent salary
whats not to like??
Whodoesthat
Oh the food shop in a panic!! OMG I HAD FORGOTTEN THIS. Yes. Huge salary but never any money.
Add to my list I will not miss constant financial anxiety. Fucking constant over 22 years.
OMG.
Yes, the wave of dread when I heard the garage door open…
I don’t miss the fear.
I won’t miss being bored out of my mind while watching people drink beer and stare at football games all day.
I feel like I’m only getting started because I remembered I actually compiled this thankgoodness…. list some time ago…its been a year. 🙂
I dont have to wake up to an engineered fight on saturday mornings
I don’t get crappy Xmas/birthday presents I explicitly asked not to buy
I don’y have the card declined and my teenage son have to step in to pay for the gas
I don’t have to second guess his mood every day
I don’t wonder if I’m going mad
Thankgoodness I realise my gut was right all along!
I can load the dishwasher any way I like
I found out who my real friends are
I don’t have to stress about his reaction when the kids are noisy and daring to laugh
I bought into no contact as soon as I found this site….
wow – I put up with 25 years of this – do I get a medal?
I’m traveling today and what a relief to not have him along. Narcissists make the worst travelers – they don’t believe in standing in lines. They are better than that! What a pain in the ass! Everybody was slow and a loser and getting in his way. I do not miss traveling with him!!!
Wow! That is a brilliant insight, Kathleen K. Narcs DO make the worst travel companions because other people are not real to them. They are most important, they must be entertained, they don’t want to wait, only their infantile needs matter.
I have traveled a lot internationally and you nailed it. My Narc Freak Piece of Shit ruined every trip we took….without exception.
He once started a fight….like wanting to brawl….with a poor man in the omelet station line on a cruise in Alaska because he (the Piece of Shit X) broke in the line and an elderly gentleman said, “The line starts back there.”
X says: “You are 3 seconds away from an ass beating.”
Everyone looked horrified. The trip was such a nightmare I was praying they locked him up in the Brig. I just sat there and watched from a table. I was so ashamed to be associated with his bully hillbilly ass. When staff came, because we were in the Penthouse, they told him to “settle down.” Like a 5 year old who threw his Legos.
If they would have locked him up, I could have finally breathed and enjoyed the trip.
YES!!! X ruined every single trip, every single major event (except for those he managed to avoid). The only trip he didn’t ruin? Our last major vacation abroad, he was being exceptionally nice. Why? Turns out Hannibal was feeling vulnerable because he’d just been called for a sexual harassment hearing for his affair with gradwhore (though I didn’t find that out for another year).
He was “nice” because he knew you were strong and clever and he wanted you in his corner and fighting for him when the shit hit the fan.
These Narcs are so sly. Always calculating, scheming for their own benefit.
Unpack any “kindness” they have done, and at the bottom, like a dead rat under a hot fudge sundae, you will find it is for *their* need and benefit that the fake kindness relates back to.
It is all about them. You can set your watch by it. And that is a great reminder to anyone struggling with a “good memory” that might trip you up.
This is SO true, Devil on a Chain!!!! You just completely nailed it!!!!
Hi NoMoreEvil,
It took me SO LONG to understand that! I would get so tripped up by the “nice” things he did for me and to me.
After a long period of No Contact, my chemicals started to normalize and I was able to see that every single act of “goodness” he did…without fail…benefited him. He played the long game, and it may have taken awhile…but he was always 10 steps ahead of me.
It made me incredibly sad but it will SET YOU FREE! (yes shouting). Because those “sweet” memories are a wisp of smoke, fake, fairy dust.
So, don’t ever get hung up on any good deeds they did. Take some time, drill down and you will find it was all about enriching them, their benefit, their bank account, their well being, their pleasure.
Exactly, Devil!! When I stepped back and started to put it all together, I realized that he was only trying to use me as a pawn in his sick game and pursuit of his own interests and pleasures and thought he was so smart that I wouldn’t notice he was being so “nice” while strategically planning all the selfush benefits of his double life and intended eventual discard of me. So glad I beat him to the punch and got rid of him before he could execute his “perfect” plan against me, the poor chump! Lmao, now!!!! Dumb-fuck!!!!
KathleenK, I hated that too. I used to joke that my husband expected everyone to just part ways and make a path for him because he was so much more important than everyone else. He believed he shouldn’t have to wait for anything. Not sit in traffic, not wait in a doctor’s office, not stand in a line anywhere. He was just too important to deal with that. I always felt rushed and stressed out.
I don’t miss being tolerated when I deserve to be loved. I don’t miss welcoming him home with a kiss and a hug, only to have him push past me because he needed some “alone” time to unwind after work. I don’t miss struggling to get him to recognize my worth. I don’t miss feeling the urge to snoop because something feels majorly off. I don’t miss seeking his validation and being depressed when I didn’t get it, or the momentary high when I did get it on occasion and then he went back to ignoring me. I don’t miss the knot of anxiety in my stomach that belonged just to him. I don’t miss never once being told that I’m beautiful, even on our wedding day. I don’t miss the fear that our relationship could fail, and trying to be a 1-sided superhero holding things together. I don’t miss trying to understand him and offering him the gift of patience, benefit of the doubt, and a free pass to trample my boundaries. I don’t miss him constantly talking about himself and complaining about people at work, and having little interest in me or anyone else. I don’t miss wondering if I matter to him. I don’t miss being taken advantage of if I was kind, ignored if I was firm, and treated like a bitch when I got mad. I just don’t miss any of it. I hope the OW is enjoying all of the above, because it is soul sucking.
Free Vixen: “I don’t miss being tolerated when I deserved to be loved.”
And that basically sums up all of our experiences. You hit the nail on the head.
Definitely a good phrase!
Yes. This.
I could have written this, word for word, except my English is not good enough ;-), bravo Free Vixen.
agreed!
Sometimes a chump puts things that we’ve heard a thousand times before in a beautifully articulate way that makes us do a double-take. Thanks for this @FreeVixen.
“I don’t miss being taken advantage of if I was kind, ignored if I was firm, and treated like a bitch when I got mad.” Takes my breath away.
And written at 6:30 am when I’m mostly brain dead, no less. 🙂
I just want to cut and paste so much of these fantastic summaries of the crap that goes on onto a document and read it over and over because it’s exactly how I feel.
I always say things wrong, or say the wrong thing, I don’t get my point across or can’t find the words to describe things and I get so frustrated that I cannot communicate!!!
I don’t miss the ever changing goalposts and the future faking.
I don’t miss believing I had something to work with.
I don’t miss the emptiness I felt when my needs were never considered.
I don’t miss the cycles of the narcissistic abuse involving being discarded, reconciling, living through yet another infatuation stage of hope, devaluation and discard.
I don’t miss putting my energy into evidence gathering, believing it was my fault, and pick me dancing.
I don’t miss the feeling of never being good enough.
I don’t miss his face or the space he occupied.
^^^^^ this ?% – nailed it!!
James Bond was locked in seduction mode, even in a gay bar (he’s not gay, but didn’t want to reject anyone, too awkward). On the look-out for the wounded and lame prey, who are so easy to manipulate. Staring at women, even in church, smiling, until they showed him their boobs.
“Retired” and became skilled in the dating and hook-up apps. Scheduled dates when I was at work or at meetings. Having to see the look of contempt on the face of a young woman neighbor whom I had wanted to befriend, but who became a victim (harem member, younger wife) of Bond’s seduction . . . all under the pretext of his being a God-man.
He couldn’t look me in the eyes. Refused to allow himself to be aroused by my attractiveness. Had no compunctions about standing right in front of a young friend of mine to stare at her body, fully memorizing it, in order to masturbate in the bathroom upon her departure.
Cataloging of digital photos of every woman he had ever been with. Online dating profiles. All that, and still required prostitutes.
Sex with him was scary. It seems that his evil spirit came into me. John Gray describes this exactly in one of his books. I would wake up from asleep, sit straight up, and did not know what had happened to me. He had been online, staring at porn, then came to be with me, locking me out, and focused on his porn image. I am not ugly in any way!!!
The cataloging– isn’t that something that serial killers and rapists do? He’s clearly objectifying women. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that some people are particularly visually-inclined and attracted to certain body types. But his perversion veers off into disturbing. It’s no wonder he seems dangerous. He certainly is creepy.
I’m glad you’re done with him.
So sad that it takes cheating to finally open our eyes. In this way cheating is a gift that finally frees us from the sort of person who cheats. Because cheating is only the final straw, certainly not the first, second…millionth, etc.
I am a person who is grateful for the smallest of things but I am not grateful for meeting an awkward 18 year old, 47 long years ago who was asleep on our family couch because he was a friend of one of my brother’s and they had been out to a work function and it was safer for him to stay at our home and not drive home which was a very long way away. That moment in time set in motion the life I have known since. However, without that moron on the couch I would not have had the 2 children I have/had. They are the only thing I don’t regret in the game that I now call “my deceased marriage”.
I don’t miss:
The constant blaring of sports on the tv. He set the volume on high so he could hear it all through the house. If I dared to turn down the volume, I got yelled at.
The rule that I couldn’t touch the thermostat. Only he was allowed to adjust the temperature. Ever.
The rule that I couldn’t touch the clutter that he called “important papers” or the the junk that he “might need some day.”
The rule that he was in charge of all, and I mean ALL, money matters and decisions. Even when I went back to work and he sat at home, unemployed.
The contempt. The spite. The arrogance. The pettiness. The entitlement.
And, what I really don’t miss most of all? The silent treatment. Me: upset, crying, begging. Him: flat shark eyes, a sideways flick of the head and an icy “Move on.”
After 27 years, I did move on. And I took the kids with me. Not one of us misses X. At all.
Flat shark eyes…well said and scary.
I don’t miss his emotional, mental and physical constant abuse of me.
I don’t miss the heart pounding anxiety I endured for years, whether in his presence or not.
I don’t miss his hateful voice laying waste to everything I am, I cared about or took joy in.
I don’t miss the toxic slime he smeared over everything, every occassion, everyone.
I don’t miss his incoherent, self serving rages about stupid shit.
I don’t miss him telling me, ‘That’s just stupid Jeep, you can’t do _____ (whatever I was doing, whenever I was doing it)’
I don’t miss the hell life with him became.
I don’t miss satan.
I’m not grateful that I’m still struggling financially, and don’t have my own house to celebrate Thanksgiving. The narc-ex will be celebrating it with the kids along with his live-in girlfriend who he has impregnated with another spawn. Feeling not so meh about the situation.
LiningUpDucks–that does suck. Do you have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving? If not, see if you can volunteer somewhere, or find a community potluck. More people than you realize are alone for the holidays, and some of them want the solace of company.
And please realize that no one in the narc household will actually be having a good time tomorrow. Selfishness sucks the joy out of any occasion. Hugs!
Lining Up Ducks,
I am sorry.
I know money is tight, but is there anyway you could gather up some money, (charge it!) and go to a super nice place for Thanksgiving? Go to Open Table to find a reservation or nice hotels always have a Thanksgiving brunch.
Even if you have to cook something modest, treat yourself the best you can. Try to not isolate! Being alone can make us feels so much worse. But, if you want to be alone (sometimes solitude is healing) can you think of something that makes you happy?
A big stack of books and a new bag of Hershey Kisses……a stack of fun movies and popcorn…..a bubble bath with good wine.
And Tempest is so right….Narcs suck all the joy out of the room. Dollar to doughnut, you will feel more peace and joy than anyone in the dark orbit of your piece of shit X. He will do the same to her he did to you.
His ho bag is not special because she got pregnant. Rats do it everyday.
xoxoxo
I hope you feel better. Breathe. This will pass.
And it is a holiday for some tomorrow, so indulge in some intoxicants if that’s your thing. Get wasted!!!
Maybe…..weed or wine is okay…but most drugs leave you with more problems when you resurface. That temporary elation comes with a big price.
But, I must say, this specific pain is so great…if you have some old pain killers from a surgery or injury…go for it, but don’t over dose.
People have been using opium for years to soothe pain. Just be careful!!!
Whatever gets you through the night.
My favorite song: ever
Watching the Wheels…John Lennon
“No longer riding on the merry go round…..
I just had to let it go…..”
I don’t miss the toxic atmosphere or the pervasive sense that doom (in the form of the cold shoulder or overt criticism) would descend unless we all lived up to his exact expectations. Seriously, sometimes it was like living with Pinochet.
……..And in one sentence Tempest manages to encapsulate my entire rant below – Thank you.
I don’t miss talking to the air because my ex refused to respond half the time.
Yes, the loom o’ the doom. Always. I don’t miss that either!
I don’t miss:
the lectures on conspiracy theories with no other conversational choices
the hard look in his eyes and around his mouth
the snoring so loud that I got NO sleep on trips/holidays
his family dinners (nightmares for me)
being treated as though I NEVER measured up
sex with him
hearing how enlightened he was
his ‘FU’ attitude when a lot of work needed to be done
losing 2/3 of the house space to his manspace and hobbies
listening to his drums
being told that I am the most negative person he has ever met
being ignored the minute we arrive at an event
his few ‘friends’ who were cheaters or narcs or actual charlatans or ‘spiritually advanced’
never, ever being able to resolve minor conflicts
the sick feeling in my gut most of the time with him
his lazy ass retreats to his ‘office’ (even when retired) for hours on end when things needed to be done
his arrogant attitude towards me but no one else
his mirroring of other people to impress them
having no say in many situations
being disrespected re my profession
not being ‘permitted’ to drive for 22 years
being in debt all of the time
being reminded how I mishandled situations
living with someone who never had my back
having to tolerate his mother’s rudeness to me
Whew! That felt good. Thanks CL. I needed this.
A positive spin on a negative situation. Got a real ‘charge’ outta that. ? V
wow – you saved me the effort to document 99% – (being conservative) of this list – isnt it amazing how the show rolls…
And I have been cringing that I listed so much (definitely not ALL)!
Amazing, indeed.
We will survive this, whodoesthat! V
It was great you listed them, Virago.
We are ripping the mask off these freaks and doing the work it takes to truly understand that
*WE WERE CONNED*
We were pining the loss of 5 star assholes. We are (were) mooning the loss of a hole in the head.
This is liberating!
Devil on a Chain, I like how you think.
They ripped us off. We rip their masks off!
Tit for tat. V
Ditto! So strange that so many husbands are the same….wish we could have all known this prior to marriage/family! We could have saved so much time and pain.
‘Strange’ is putting it mildly, Jenny russell. The time was informative (ugh ~~ trying to be +) and the pain apparently eventually dissipates, though my patience is running out!! Stay the course.
?, V
This is spot on…the debt, the in-law rudeness, did we all marry the same guy?
Haha! Seems to be there are similarities, ChumpedtotheMax!!
And they all think they are so special and unique.
Turds are special and unique, not cheaters!
xxx, V
I have a HUGE list of what I am grateful for…but being tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I am grateful I do not have to have an awkward, walking on eggshells, Thanksgiving meal with my ex and his whole personality disorder wingnut family, complete with snide put downs, grandstanding and dry turkey.
I do not miss:
1. 24 year old drug whores calling on Christmas morning as he ate the homemade yeast cinnamon rolls I made for him. Him telling her to stop calling because “it caused him too many problems.”
2. Other women calling him and him telling them, in a confidential, grinning tone that I was crazy and “had problems” and for them….THEM!!!….not to worry about it.
3. Showing up 12-16 hours late to dinner.
4. Passed out in the movie theater from some type of drug binge, and his drink and M&M’s falling to the floor as I watched the movie alone.
5. Me sitting at a table in a restaurant, coffee bar, my own kitchen table, waiting alone as he spends 30-45 minutes in the bathroom. When asked what was wrong, he shouts out that he was constipated.
6. Him attempting to triangulate me with any female, from 5-85 years old.
7. Him passing gas and burping- long, liquid sounding and long- in the bed or in the kitchen and then exclaiming it was “natural” and I was “crazy” when I expressed disgust.
8. The way he said “I need to wash my ass” instead of I need to take a shower or bath.
9. Him showing up high on drugs and being on Neptune and then denying it and saying I was overreacting.
10. Getting a call from him on a Sunday afternoon, when he was getting our lunch, that he had been arrested for drugs and was at the jail, and could I come get him? His bond was only $10,000.
I am smiling, because I dodged such a huge bullet that I escaped this man!
The drug whores can have him. 🙂 Hope they have a gas mask.
DoaC, you dodged a missile not a bullet. 🙂
Dearest Maree-
I did!!! This list is so helpful. You stop and say: Now, what was I mooning and crying over?
And I got an early Christmas present. The one drug whore that was relentless in pursuing him (it is still his fault) but this girl was bold, shameless and evil…. she was cruel to ME when she was pursuing an engaged man. (Who are these women?)
She was just arrested for four drug felonies. She thought it was exciting and she was a “bad ass” for running with his tough drug crowd. Her first court date is Dec. 22. Her bond is 100K.
My X is a millionaire and has a team of lawyers to pry him out of his many scrapes…I think she thought her would get her out. He didn’t. Or hasn’t yet.
I was branded an uptight Puritan, a stick in the mud…a bitch for my zero tolerance of hard drugs around me in anyway. It was his “reason” for cheating on me. THE reason. Because I “ran him off” when he was high.
She was his refuge when I kicked him out…she would take Drano with him if it got them high.
And now, she sits in jail. Is that so yummy and delicious to me that I want to do a jig?
You better believe it. 😉
I believe Maree is right, Devil on a Chain!
Going to try for the meme, guys! Sorry! Steep learning curve!
I don’t miss Thanksgiving with the thankfully now deceased narc ex. And his extended family. I would clean, garden, shop and cook for the event. He would sit on the couch and hold court. His father would show up with 8 or 9 garbage bags full of dirty laundry for me to wash, and sometimes unanticipated stray tenants to feed. His SIL would show up hours late with a turkey (ex, the vegetarian, would not allow me to cook meat in the house). And, inevitably, as soon as the plates were cleared former FIL would look at me and say “Might as well get started on the dishes. No good to let them sit.” On year 16, I looked straight back at FIL and said, “Great idea. You can start without me.”
Nope. Not missing that circus one bit.
I’m not grateful for having to worry about keeping the lights on because Poop Boy ran off while I was jobless. Left me here all alone with an autistic kid. I had to beg my mother for help. I got a jaw infection on top of all of that and I have to get my wisdom teeth cut out at the beginning of December.
It’ll work out though. The bank gave me a deferment on the house for three months, and I’m going to start subbing for the school system once my wisdom teeth come out.
DemHoez–a tip for the wisdom teeth surgery: Pack your face in ice (10 minutes on, 5 off) for several hours after the surgery. Use real ice, not those fake-ice packs that are sometimes given in hospitals.
Most of the pain after the surgery comes from swelling, and the ice will prevent virtually any swelling. I had impacted wisdom teeth out a few years ago (they had to use a chisel), and only took 1 Motrin post-surgery because of using ice. Good luck!
What I was thankful for is gone forever and that makes me sad.
This will be our second Thanksgiving apart. Last year we had recently separated and my stbxh said he wanted to visit his sister on west coast and go by himself. Doing the pick me dance I even bought him the ticket, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to afford it. Part of the reason why I bought the ticket was the AP was pressuring him to go home to her family, as her family knew nothing about my ex being married and having an affair, it was all part of the big lie. This pissed off the AP greatly which was worth the cost of the plane ticket to me.
Last year I spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time ever. This year I will be with my mom, but it wont be the same, she used to adore my stbxh, but not any more now that everyone knows about his affair, which started only four months after our wedding. We had been together 7 years before we got married and lived together for 5 years. He will spend Thanksgiving this with the AP, which only makes it hurt all the more.
We had divorce mediation on this past Monday, he didn’t get everything he wanted, but he got more than he certainly deserved.
I hope by this time next year I will be able to say that I am thankful that much of this horrible pain of the last year and half will be behind me. But not this year, as I’m still suffering.
Broken Hearted,
Even though he is a cheater, and lying, you still miss him?
(I am not being snarky- I am really asking.)
Can you focus on something negative about him…that might yank you out of your reverie or romantic idea of him?
Because I think the sadness might lift some if you *truly* unpack what you think you lost. Part of getting better is looking hard and brutally at who the person actually is…not the illusion we were clinging to. Do you think you are just lonely or you miss him specifically?
*What was the upshot of staying with someone you cannot trust?
What do you think?
I know everything you said Devil on a Chain is 100% correct. I do miss him, I miss what we once had before he started cheating. I have been trying to focus on the bad and who he really is. Part of the problem was having to see him on Monday, no contact has been good, but going to mediation I had to break that. That was so hard.
And you’re right I am lonely, not only for him, but in general. The post-divorce or soon to be divorced loneliness is soul-crushing as many of us here know. I do realize it is temporary however, it will pass in time.
I know. It is soul crushing. Isn’t just the worst curve ball life threw us? I was a zombie for many months. I am sorry you are in this pain.
That is what set you back…seeing him. Is there anyway you could and do something fun tomorrow? I have found being active and physically exhausting myself helps.
This will sound nuts, but if you could read some AA literature, it helps. These people are like an addiction. And treating them like an addiction helps so much when getting over these panicked feelings to see them, or talk to them.
The best thing I learned to get through this is to act “as if.” Your brain takes so long to catch up. If you can pretend (I know it seems false) but if you can pretend that you are already over him…it changes your brain chemistry. The pain starts to recede.
Substitute alcohol with your X’s name, and read some AA literature. I *promise*you it will help you. Just try it.
I hope you start to feel better. I hope life brings you some wonderful surprise.
xoxoxo
BrokenHearted
So hard isn’t it to accept what has happened. DevilOnA Chain is right though – you are missing what you thought you had. That person didn’t actually exist. It was all smoke and mirrors.
Now this is your chance to focus on what you want. First must come plenty of self care. Sleep, eat, exercise properly. Then discover what you enjoy. Pamper yourself. Think ‘me, me, me’ all the time if thoughts of him start to intrude (someone else suggested this here and I have found it helpful). You lost a cheater and gained a life which means putting him in the rear view mirror and look forward into your own life. Your suffering is part of your healing. It hurts a lot we all know it. Accept it, move through it and find some time every day to love yourself. Be generous to yourself. Good luck. Big hugs.
Like someone else said, I don’t miss the sound of snot being blown out of his nose all over the shower wall, the toenail clippings he peeled off while sitting on the bog and left on the floor, the sound of him (thinking he can sing and play guitar), strumming away at the first 10 bars of any song before forgetting the rest. And then of course, the more he drank the more he sounded like a cat being tortured (in fact, my neighbour commented on this just the other day and I’ve been divorced nearly five years). Ha! Nope I don’t miss that at all. I don’t miss having to run to the credit union to get yet another loan because Mr. Fuckwit had ran up more debts, had another accident while drunk etc. I don’t miss having to keep a file labelled “Fuckwit’s accidents”. I don’t miss having to answer the phone to the bank trying to get hold of him. I came back from my holidays in September to a message from them trying to get him to do something about his overdraft. I took great pleasure in telling them I was his ex and here is his phone number! As they say, not my circus, not my monkey. I don’t miss getting prodded and poked by the drunken slob coming home at 3 in the morning and him saying “are you awake”. WTF????? And I don’t miss the beatings I got on a regular basis ‘cos “didn’t you know black really is white? Are you stupid?”
He is now back living in the States with his latest squeeze and I see she is already dropping subtle hints about “not being sharp tongued with someone because it can hurt”. Shit, if it was only the “sharp tongue” I would be laughing – try jackboots in the kidneys.
Still, the Good Lord saw fit to put an ocean between him and me, so too all our American Chumps out there, happy Thanksgiving from France.
Attie,
She will get the jackboot in her kidneys, eventually. Those domestic violence beaters never change. They only get more violent and vicious.
You saved your own life when you left him.
Well, lots that is familiar but here goes – I am not grateful for –
Feeling lonely while married.
Parenting 24/7 without a break because Dufus wasn’t going to help and he wanted to live in a country where we had no family and no support system.
Essentially being a single parent.
Going to functions with other families and being the only one without a spouse there because “he doesn’t want to be friends with your friends husbands, because it’s so fake”.
His never talking at meals because he thinks they should be eaten in silence and filling the space with conversation my myself to keep it cheerful for the kids.
Cooking meals that go uneaten because he couldn’t be bothered to come home in time or had eaten out and never bothered to tell me.
His shouting at the kids that they need to keep their elbows on the table while eating (a weird compulsion they learned was NOT normal).
Being late for anything fun because he was never ready.
Sitting at a restaurant at a table alone with the kids waiting for him for an hour when we were out for HIS birthday.
The silent treatment.
The fights picked before my birthday so he wouldn’t have to talk to me on said birthday (every one since I had the kids).
Fights before Valentines and our anniversary too – I actually thought he had depression or SAD for years, now I know he is just a dick.
Lying in the hospital alone all night after my water broke and was waiting to see if I was going to go into labor while he went home to sleep because he was “tired”.
Having him bitch he was hungry while I was in said labor.
Having him leave me alone again when having child 2.
Having him bitch to me about the nurse while in labor.
Having him leave our daughter alone, a toddler, with a friend of his (stranger to her) after birth of said child 2 for hours because he was “tired”.
The hole in the wall where he stabbed a knife.
The kids broken toys that he broke to “teach them a lesson”.
The knot in my stomach when I’d hear his truck pull up.
Scanning the room to see if there was anything he would pick on me for.
Shouting at the kids to pick up things I knew would bother him because better that I do it than him.
Listening to him call our kids names.
Being told I “wasn’t supporting him as a parent” when I told him not to and wouldn’t join him in his treatment of them.
Being told I was forcing him to be the “bad guy”.
Going to every kids event or sports practice by myself.
Listening to his excuses.
Cleaning up his mess on the counter, in the bathroom and anywhere else.
Living surrounded by his incessant hoarding.
Being told I had too much stuff.
Having my clothes thrown on the floor as “punishment” and left there.
His attitude that he is entitled to punish anyone who does anything he doesn’t like.
His hatred of being inconvenienced.
Watching for his mood to change and for him to stiffen, especially around the kids.
Being picked on for nothing.
Being lied to.
His not taking a shower for a month at a time.
Lack of sex that he managed to blame on me.
Being expected to manage his family.
Listening to him bitching about other people.
Dealing with his stealing from work (called “getting it for free”).
His shitty abusive friend.
His drooling over above friends hot younger girlfriend.
His always putting everybody else before his family.
His hiding in the hotel room on vacation while I took the kids to the beach/park/Disney whatever.
His telling me that other people didn’t like me or were bad mouthing me behind my back.
His trashing anyone close to me.
The pinging of his phone once he started this affair.
His rushing off with the phone.
His buying his ex a ring 2 weeks after restarting up with her after 25 years.
His sharing my personal information with the greedy self satisfied whore.
Can’t wait until this is over – but this list is very therapeutic.
Finally Awake,
You need to throw a massive party in celebration that you escaped that life.
There is nothing to be sad about…it is a blessing.
You escaped a living nightmare of abuse.
I can so relate…mine sounds just a bit slicker than yours. On the day he is gone, your life will be so much better.
That’s a very short list. Why did you divorce him?
Bahahahh!
Good one, rickb89!
Finally Awake, you are a mighty survivor!
(((hugs to you both))), V
very similar to my ex, we all jumped when he pulled up, ..never knew what he was going to find wrong, called my oldest son names,the incredible loneliness. so glad my nightmare is over. I hope for peace for you and your family.
Finally awake, I just re-read you post again, heart braking but so similar it’s scary, mine put a knife through a counter top one Christmas day, he punched holes in walls and doors, told me all the kids issues were my fault as I didn’t “pull on the same thread” as him, (because his thread was pure abuse!), leaving me during pregnancy…I later found out he had a new girlfriend didn’t have time for me and new baby, isolating me in a different country so I had no support…a very toxic way to live…we should be thankful we survived to talk about it. It is just like waking from a nightmare. Your post reminded of memories I had pushed aside…
Yup. He’d tell me that I’d ruined the kids and he couldn’t waste any time on them. Fucker.
I just wonder how some of these dysfunctional people find an AP? Not showering for a month? omg
That was aig clue – he started showering. Funny as the AP isn’t in the country -he was showering for Whatapp.
Finally Awake,
I don’t mean anything insensitive by this, but was your husband Turkish?
Just a cultural question from my own experience.
Israeli/Moroccan. Definitely a different culture but no excuse.
FA, I totally relate to the majority of your post. There was so much loneliness and fear. It will be so much better for you when its all over!
Oh, and not grateful for him currently acting all nice and involved like I always wished he had been now we are in the divorce process. I just hang on to the memories of all the crap in order to keep myself strong.
If he’s being nice during the divorce process, he wants something. Keep rereading your list of realities and stop wishing. You’ll feel better soon, I promise.
Yup–Survivor is right, “nice” is a manipulation tactic. Be wary.
What you got against sweet potatoes?
Sweet potatoes are great, marshmallows even better.
They just don’t belong together.
Should I duck now???
I don’t miss his cowardice. I don’t miss the boarderline personality sister in law. I don’t miss the fake conversations about how wonderful everyone is (certainly not!). I don’t miss cooking half the meal and carting it over and dragging my three kids….and my X not helping. I don’t miss cleaning up and doing their dishes….only to return home and have to clean up and do my own dishes….all while the X watches football. I don’t miss the falsehood.
Now, I get to hang out with my friends, be amongst genuine people, and sadly, I have to pity my kids when it is their turn with the X on thanksgiving….luckily, 2 are in college and they stay away….but will have to deal with it at Christmas
I don’t miss him sitting at the table and not speaking to anyone. Then not helping one bit with any cleanup and falling asleep on the couch while my family plays games, an hour later he is ready to go. Then complains about my family the whole way home! Fuck that shit!
This was exactly my experience for many years except I wish he had not spoken to anyone at the table! X always drank way too much and then harangued us with his repulsive political views. While we cleaned up, he would retire to the couch. We played fun games to the lovely background of his snorting and drooling. After an hour, he would shake himself like a dog and stand up, ready to go.
I learned early on to take two cars. Then I just gave him a little wave as he left. Fuck that shit, indeed.
Let’s just say there are some really gross things I don’t miss, and as one of his other exes said: “I don’t miss his snoring, drooling, troll ass”.
I don’t miss my heart being locked in a cage for years, unavailable to anyone else. He nuked that cage with his lies and fraud and gaslighting.
Life is beyond measure and pleasure now that he’s out forever! 🙂
Hi Chump Nation.
The HELLidays are very hard at first, for the first few years but I swear to you that the pain somehow helps you evolve and then they become Holidays again. Fake it till you make it definitely works.
There’s something about being forced to spend the holidays alone due to the cheater’s actions, that causes your soul to evolve to this great place of peace and serenity.
Thanks for the inspiration, rickb89! That’s what I’m hoping for. ?
SMH.
It never fails to amaze me what sort of bullshit (to put it mildly) and abuse (like, degradation and physical violation) we all put up with. And fought to keep! And mourned! Hah!
You wanna know what red flags look like? Come here and read. Eventually you see the patterns. And then you can smell it early and from a mile away when it walks toward you.
I have been dating a wonderful man for a year now. It’s SO AWESOME to read lists of atrocities here and realize my boyfriend is so opposite of what these losers are like.
Hugs! I am thankful for Chump Lady and Chump Nation.
Stephanie, good for you, I’m glad you found someone who is real and present.
I love these lines, all we “put up with. And fought to keep! And mourned! Hah!!!!”
None of them worth it at all. Bummer that we put up with all the shit.
I am not grateful for finally having gotten well on the road to MEH, with a job I loved and even my dog’s health improving….and then learning I have a chronic debilitating life-long disease, most likely triggered by the stress of learning about the cheating and the divorce.
I am also not thankful for (self-identified) queen bee chumps who make a point of being mean and nasty, just because they can. Hitting a fellow chump when s/he’s down. Wow. Classy. Yooogely, Bigley classy.
Today, even though my kids are scattered around the world, and I am not spending Tday with them. They are not spending Tday with Dr. Demento and CFMily either, so I count that as a win. In the very long list of things that I am grateful for.
I am grateful for the fact that there is no longer food remnants all over the living room, banana peels, orange peels and apple cores. If he he got into one of his ‘your not the boss of me moods’ they could be found descicated behind the couch.
I am not missing his underwear and its skid marks
I am not missing his moods. No matter how happy the situation, he always held on to the option of being miserable in the you are not the boss of me frame. Always a tinge of potential misery and rage lurking.
Always reading… never participating… always just on the outside of every activity.
Always asking “What’s in it for me?” I need the child picked up from school, response WIFM. Ask him to help with the dishes, response WIFM
I do not miss not getting an answer to any question. Would you like spaghetti or steak for dinner, no response, just none. But no response was a good working solution for him, because it allowed for me to get it wrong and for him to rage.
The other thing I don’t miss is this all being a secret. Often times from the kids. To the public, he looked like the shy and sensitive type. A pox on his head.
This time last year I was vacationing with my ex in San Diego. I do NOT miss things like him going out to get us coffee across the street and being gone a full hour, crap like that. Feeling as if I *should* be happy but somehow I wasn’t (because my instincts were screaming at me under the Mr. Perfect facade). I don’t miss his insane relationship with his phone. I don’t miss his under-whelming sexual performance. I don’t miss the constant anxiety. I don’t miss his “ADD” which was really his inability to focus on anything because his brain was constantly trying to figure out the demands of his real life and his double life. You know, I don’t even miss the good things anymore? I don’t miss him AT ALL.
Meh achieved :)))
Yeah, K! Not missing the good things either = pinnacle of success.
Capricorn,
This:
“I will not miss the feeling of constantly being slightly on edge.
I will not miss my constant scanning of him for clues about how he is feeling.”
And most importantly this:
“I might miss who I thought he was but I will not miss him.”
Exactly that!
+1
I am not grateful for having lived in a lie. But it was a wake up call and a huge life lesson learnt.
Tomorrow I will have a long list of ‘grateful fors’.
I don’t miss:
The constant chaos he brought into our lives in every way
The incessant criticism – of me, my appearance, my friends, you name it
Being called a cunt when I calmly brought up the idea of considering a separation in conversation (this was before d-day)
Him waking up my son from a sound sleep and forcing him to tell me (his mother) – “You are a terrible mom”
Walking on eggshells all the time
Cow-towing to his constant demands
Being called stupid and being forced during fights to “admit you are stupid”
Nearly 20 years of financial rape – the more I earned, the less he did, no matter what…spending on junk and toys with abandon as we lost a house that we owned and got kicked out of a rented house after that for late payments
Bankrolling his gym membership and illegal steroid purchases so he could “get back in shape”
I could go on, but why bother?
I won’t miss the way he made snap negative judgments about people he’d only just met and try to justify it by saying ‘I see the truth of things’
I won’t miss the constant anxiety and hypervigilance, the way he would walk around the house looking for fault, which he was always bound to find, cause that’s what happens when you have children
I won’t miss the I am so superior conversations, and how dare you question me looks.
I won’t miss pointing to the house and the car, telling me how much he had achieved and then asking me what exactly I had done all day
I won’t miss being told that I did nothing for him and that giving him three children was nothing that no other woman would do with less than I had
I won’t miss being asked to consider plastic surgery a year after I had my last child because I was still carrying baby weight
I won’t miss being told that I was lazy and spoilt and stubborn because I didn’t do things his way
I won’t miss being told that I knew nothing about hard work even though my successful career was put on hold to support a move because of his job
I won’t miss being told that I preferred our son had a disability (he’s 3 with a speech delay) than take responsibility for his not being able to speak
I won’t miss the way he used to whine and say ‘nobody told me’ whenever he messed up and yet called me an infant who didn’t take responsibility if I ever forgot to do something
I won’t miss constantly trying to rationalize the negativity and controlling behaviour of someone who didn’t respect me and made me feel as if I was less than I am.
And I am not grateful at all for the fact that for the first time my children will be spending part of the holidays away from me, when none of this was my choosing.
Wow. Snap. Especially the ” what did you do all day?”
Thanksgiving was always my favorite: I always cooked up a storm. Just a great time with my sacred family.
Four years ago it ended.
The first thanksgiving after D-Day we spent together while she enjoyed cake and my desperate pick-me-dance.
The second thanksgiving we were divorcing; I stayed home and wept (she had the kids).
The third thanksgiving I couldn’t bear to be home so went to relatives.
The fourth thanksgiving–tomorrow–I have the kids and I’m cooking up a storm and living again. XW is… who cares.
It gets better:-)
Now that’s a progress report! Good for you for (re)gaining a life! Enjoy your special day with your sacred family and I hope they all know how blessed they are to have you for a dad (and chef).
Good for you David!!!! I hope that you have an awesome day with your kids. Happy, happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!
Chump recovery, beautifully written David2016, thank you!
I’m at Thanksgiving #3 since DDay. Breeding with a Cluster B has proven to me quite challenging. I am not grateful for:
Living a building away from X and her girltress for the sake of our kiddo
Having to live here until my kiddo is grown instead of moving back to my family
Sharing 50/50 custody with X
Having to spend more on lawyer fees because X decided that he no longer wants to abide by our divorce decree
Having to gray rock my way through life instead of telling him exactly how I feel about him…
The price of sharing custody with a cheater X is high, but it could be worse, I could still be unknowingly married to a cheating lying coward.
I’m interjecting a comment about yesterday’s post right here.
Buried in the comments, about a quarter of the way from the top of yesterday’s page, LosingMyMind said her husband had just scratched her on the face and kicked her out of the house with no car keys.
She was sitting on the curb when she wrote (I think about 24 hours ago?) There’s no update as to what’s going on in her life now and I hope she’s OK where ever she is.
Thanks Robin for pointing this out. Prayers and thoughts and universe support to LosingMyMind. Let’s hope we get an update. Some of our stories are so tragic. Ahhhh!!! It just kills me.
She may be fighting for her life or possessions and cannot take the time to post. (of course).
We need an emergency help line for chumps…like an Underground Railroad. I have three cars, a big house and I am goofing off with my pets and in the kitchen. I could help her right now.
Losing my Mind, if you are out there, send out an SOS.
The chaos and misery these cheaters inflict is infuriating and frightening.
Well spotted Robin and thanks for keeping this on the radar. Losingmymind, I hope you are ok and away from him. Don’t go back, don’t let him near you again. Any shelter is better than this in the short term, then you will pick yourself up and get your own safe place. Keeping you in my thoughts. He is a cornered animal now, very dangerous.
Try responding to her on the old thread, I saw that too and am concerned.
Heading to yesterday’s thread to comment there. Losing – I hope you are reporting your X and pressing charges, please stay safe!!
Him leaving doors to top closets opened. I gave up telling him that and just shut them myself. Eventually, it daunted me that he was doing it on purpose, to annoy me, to get some excuse for scandal.
What a looser!
Well, he’s gone, so are the kitchen closets along with our home.
Now I keep quiet when my 2 years old son tells me “we are going home”. “There’s no home, my baby”
Wait. Am I the only one who had to google Agave syrup because it sounded suspiciously like another name for tequila? 😉
BTW – for folks who don’t already know, tonight (the night before Thanksgiving) is the biggest drinking night of the year in the US…even more so than New Year’s Eve. Be extra cautious if you’re on the roads tonight.
Really? I missed that, somehow. In Montana it’s St. Patrick’s Day. And the night before, and the night after…
I simply just don’t miss him.
Seems like we all experienced the Narc just sitting around watching us do the work. That’s over.
I will be bringing a Honey Baked Ham to my family bash. Others will cook and I get to watch TV and visit with relatives. Kids will be in and out.
My Y will be open in the AM so I will be doing Yoga in the morning. Sounds like a great day to me. Couldn’t imagine doing such with the Cheater because I would be working like a dog. Never helped. Yelled at kids to set the table. If his mother was over, she’d help.
I don’t miss him at all, which I kind of wonder about. Surely we did have some good times? But mostly I remember doing all the work for whatever the family planned. If I let him do it, everything would be last minutes, chaos time management, and being so Type A it would drive me crazy.
I will you all hope, love and peace this holiday. Don’t despair. it WILL GET BETTER. You will come out the other side. The kids will survive and be happy.
Start picturing in your mind what kind of life you want and go for it. You deserve the best.
Big Hugs to All.
That is a very sweet posting, StarbucksGal. Thank you!
So often we need someone to give the long view.
It keeps my head above the sewage!! ?, V
I don’t miss and was always scheezed out by his leering at young girls, obsession with the bodies of the female athletes he coached, worrying that he’d be sued for sexual harassment in the workplace, bragging that he finally got the “hot”secretary he deserved instead of the one he called “southpark”. I don’t miss his off-color jokes, sharing of porn with his co-workers. He cheated when we were first married, although I had no proof and he denied it. I don’t miss having my gynecologist trying to explain to me how I contracted HPV 20+ years into our marriage even though he was my only partner.
I don’t miss worrying about when he was going to cheat again. 36 yrs of anxiety – poof, gone. Grateful.
omg, what a horrible horrible POS!
I encountered such a specimen at work. While we were exiting a meeting room and exchanging some words, his look wondered to a girl passing by. Then the same thing repeated when another girl passed. It felt weird. But my thought was: it must be terrible to be his wife!
Dear Nain,
When he would leer at young girls, did he try and hide it, or was he like “In your Face, deal with it.”
Did he show any care about how this made you feel, at all?
My X flirted with a younger than me waitress one time in front of me(he said it was innocent chit chat) and I dumped an IHOP platter of pancakes and eggs on his head. It made me hate his guts and want to run over him with my car.
Great question Devil – no, he was always, “in your face, deal with it” And I did. I thought that the sum of the whole – our family – was greater than it’s parts. He always had a smirky, boyishness that even my best friends could find to be “charming” in a way. No one could determine if he was just a DOM because he was very gaslighty and blameshiffing. He would actually tell anyone who’d listen that he’d gladly go food shopping “for me “. But only the week that the coeds came back to school and then he would hang out in the frozen food aisle to see the sights! Snicker, snicker.
And yet, since we’ve divorced so many of the women I know tell me they always felt uneasy around him for his piggy ways. I found out later, he hit on my sister in law with no shame.
There’s no excuse for my behavior – looking back, I should have scooted out a long time ago. I portrayed a poor model for my two daughters and son. I’m 63 now and in the best relationship of my life. So happy. And for the rest of the time I have on this earth, I will show my children that good character is the most important value. One that costs nothing, means everything.
His behavior makes me nauseated. I am so happy that you escaped this monstrosity.
The one silver lining is this: He has no idea what an old fool he looks like and was probably the butt of a thousand jokes. He thought it was cute and charming, maybe sexy…everyone else thought he was a repulsive creep.
Unless he is a multi millionaire who could swoop in and rescue them, no co ed would see him as anymore than a pervert lurking in the frozen food aisle.
That type of man…your X…and I believe my X is headed that way, I would rather be alone for life than be subjected to that disrespect and humiliation.
Snoopy Dance you are in the best relationship of your life!!! This is the best revenge.
I’m blessed. The universe helped me when I needed it. Thank you for your very kind words
It’s always amazing to realize that they all use the same playbook–so I won’t repeat the many things I won’t miss that have already been shared and just add a few of X’s most annoying habits.
I won’t miss living with a 50-something man who eats like a cross between Howard Hughes and an anorexic teenage girl. I won’t miss the ever-changing rules about which foods are unsafe, unhealthy, too rich, too sweet, or too delicious to indulge in, and I most definitely will not miss trying to cook tasty meals that are free of meat, fish, grains, or dairy. I won’t miss sitting at the table to eat while X deems the meal unfit to consume and continues to sit there with his Sneetches-on-the-Beaches look on his face while the rest of us eat in silence.
I won’t miss wondering which of X’s friends and colleagues are also on the down-low or the Ambiguously Gay Duo routine that he and his BFF routinely engage in on Facebook, thinking they have everyone fooled. I will not miss the sick feeling I got in my stomach every time X sported the $500 shoes that his rich old barely-closeted lover gave him. I will not miss wondering if X will ever come out or if he will target a new beard. Most of all, I won’t miss being married to him.
I will not miss feeling worthless.
I will not miss being lied to so many times and so many ways that I don’t believe anything she says, at all.
I will not miss her dysfunctional family that taught her to lie and cheat and treat others like crap.
I will not miss being told that she has to take a call from her “Mom” when we both know it’s not really her Mom, because I did the police thing and found out she has been hiding OM #whatever behind her Mom’s name, and then being told I am controlling for “not letting” her talk to her “Mom” even though I didn’t stop anything, just asked for the truth.
I will not miss being accused of things I never did or said to put me on the defensive to heal whatever she made up to be upset about, so we wouldn’t have to deal with the more serious lie I just caught her in.
I will not miss the unmade bed with food crumbs in it because she couldn’t bother to get out of bed to take care of our daughter all morning or clean the bed or make it ever.
I will not miss worrying that I would come home from work and my family would be gone because of the fight about one of her many affairs the previous night as usual ended with me being the bad guy and all the awful things about me that she never bothered to even hint at until after I found out about the latest affair.
I will not miss coming home and not having anywhere to sit because every seat or surface in the housed was covered with junk.
I will not miss feeling crazy trying to get her to be honest and just deal with the truth.
I will not miss being uncomfortable around people never knowing what in the world she may have said about me to them to cover for something she had done.
I will not miss the sickening feeling when yet another friend or family member tells me she stole drugs or money from their home.
I will not miss being afraid that my friends are sleeping with my wife behind my back since she already did this with the last 2 friends I had in the last few years.
I will not miss seeing her phone on the nightstand after she has been asleep and wanting to check it, but knowing that every time I do it breaks my heart and she will create some screwy story about why she is once again emailing one of her lovers again really and it’s is no big deal.
I will not miss being afraid to have boundaries.
I will not miss the terrible dismissive tone of voice when I try to talk about any problem, no matter how big or small.
I will not miss how little it matters to her that she only lied 857,614 times and I don’t necessarily believe the story she just told me about where she really went last night and didn’t come home until 7 the next day. Cue the I’m tired of you not trusting me line.
I won’t miss the heart break of hearing my children cry because she is leaving again not knowing when she will come back and watch her sneak out so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
I won’t miss the feeling that’s grown over the years that if she was being really nice to me then it usually meant I was getting betrayed big time behind my back.
I won’t miss the dead eye look when I expect her to be sorry she broke a promise that defined our entire lives over and over.
I won’t miss never being able to solve anything, and every tiny mistake I’ve ever made being paraded out all over again every time I catch her having another affair or drug binge.
I will not miss D-Day, I’ve had enough of those.
Now if I could just stop missing her my life would be a thousand times better. It’s coming someday.
It is coming! I hope you are not living with her now, what you just described is torture for you and your kids. Have you got main custody of your children? What a horrible creature.
I do have temporary sole custody, should be final soon. We separated 3 months ago after she refused to stop having an affair with our landlord to our new apartment, stole from family, and was in trouble with drugs again. She tried to kidnap our children out of school but by the grace of God I had a bad feeling that day and kept them out of school and got emergency custody. Since she left she broke up another marriage of a previous lover, got arrested for stealing from people she stayed with, let some addict man move into her new apartment, and spent a week shooting crack with needles. I just don’t know how some people can be this awful.
You don’t miss her! Trust yourself that you don’t miss her!
What you have are withdrawal symptoms. Yes, you read that right. Your body is addicted to the high and lows – the drama she created. Please read about peptides addiction. It’s real and it can be healed. Wish you strong will!
It’s coming Againandagain, it is just there. You just can’t see it yet. But trust me, it will. And you will feel so amazingly good you have no idea. Your story is heartbreaking. Seriously. But it’s the past. When my big day of sh&t with my ex happened I told my best friend, I was feeling like a sailor on a boat that just went through a storm. I was hurt and scared… I knew I could not go back and that whatever was waiting at the end … was different. But at the same time, I knew also the sh&tstorm was passed and I was safe and alive. Good things happen all the time. We just need to trust ourselves and keep going.
Happy Thankgiving
Emm@
Thank you so much. I have been through this so many times and so deeply isolated I forget that there are good people out there. It’s just such a long and painful journey out.
Go to an AA meeting. Substitute her name for alcohol. It works! You are addicted.
You *actually* don’t miss a sociopathic, pathological lying whore….you don’t.
Your brain chemistry has been scrambled. You can’t think clearly because you have been living in survival mode with a freak who has no regard for your well being.
Truth: No decent man would want a slut cum dumpster like that. You are a decent man. Don’t pine for a ho garbage bag.
You have described a monster. You deserve someone kind and honest. Work on knowing that you have value. Why should you have to settle for the town whore???
Thank you for that, I am planning to go to a Nar-Anon meeting at the next meeting time here locally. You are right in everything you said, the whole awful story could fill a book and I don’t want any of that anymore.
I am right there with you, My Friend. I was in “love” with a male slut, a walking Turd. I am ashamed of myself.
Copy this quote and let it sit on your brain:
“It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking, than think your way into a new way of acting.”
Also, (if you can) ease off analyzing it as much. It keeps us miserable. Not something as harsh as get over it, but more like….try and let it go.
I would have given my little pinkie finger for my X to care as much as you do.
I am pulling for you…..
🙂
???
I’m sorry, Againandagain–you’ve been put through the wringer, along with your kids. Five minutes of peace, tranquility, and self-care every day…then 10 minutes. It will build to a time when you can breathe easily, though it’s a slow journey, to be sure.
Yep, eat well, feed yourself and your kids cheap nutritious foods like fresh veggies and fruit, unprocessed meat too. It sounds unbelievable when you are in the middle of this shit storm, but keeping yourself packed with vitamins and minerals, more energy will help deal with the terrible brain hurricane you are in. Sometimes that little bit with make a huge difference to how you can cope with the roller coaster every day. I won’t say get some good sleep because it’s almost impossible to do in this situation!
Howdy, again.
Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. She sucks.
You described her accusing you of doing and saying things you didn’t do. That’s called gaslighting. It’s a way to put you back on your heels so she can keep the upper hand. I hope you don’t have to see her anytime soon. There is another gent here who now has sole custody of his kids because he spawned with a worthless gaping snatch like you did. Please get the law involved and keep her away from the little ones. I am glad you posted today. Keep coming back, bro.
So sorry, Againandagain. 🙁 What horrible and evil situations she put you through.
And what Enraged said is really true. She’s like an addiction. A true chemical addiction. As hard as it is to do, no contact is the way to go. With kids you won’t be able to go 100%, but you can gray rock her and talk only via email or text.
And I know you miss her. You miss the “good” person you married, but she doesn’t exist. She’s really truly the “bad” person that she is now. It took me a long to time to accept the good person that I married was a big actor; a total sham of a marriage.
You’ll get better. It’ll get better.
Oh Againandagain..
How heartbreaking to read your list. My goodness. You are a very kind soul to have put up with that shit, and you are a chump, just like us. I am so so so sorry this scum, whore, piece of trash broke your heart the way she did and treated you with such disrespect. You understand, that NOONE deserves to be treated that way. You are precious, your life is precious, your love is precious. AND you WILL make it through this. She does not deserve one single ounce of your goodness. We are here for you my dear friend. We are here.
Thank you for those kind words. It’s been a tough week with the first holiday in this mess. My young child had a birthday a few weeks ago and not one single member of her whole family sent a present. No one. She didn’t notice thank goodness. It is so hard to not just feel terrible that people can act this way to others and innocent precious children. Thank you for the support, I’ve never posted here before but I would be lost completely without what I’ve been reading here for the last couple months. Wish I had found you all after any of the several D-days over 10 years.
She is not only a narc but an out and out nut job. I hope you can keep her at a good distance from her kids. Being in NZ I don’t know your legal system, but I hope you can wangle supervised contact with the kids. She can’t be trusted. If you have documented the drug use, you may be able to manage that? Get her arrested and locked up even? Throw away the damn key too!
1. I’m not grateful that I will have to face my entire family tomorrow. Some know the truth and I still carry a lot of shame (I know it’s not mine, but it’s still hard to shake).
2. I’m not grateful that I’m sitting here alone right now playing brain games of how I will respond to questions about “what happened?” (I don’t want to talk about it.), “how did you not realize?” (I don’t know how I didn’t realize other than I WAS BEING LIED TO and systematically given a virtual lobotomy) , and the “he seemed like such a nice guy” (Yes, he did to everyone but me and his own children, which made it really difficult to “realize” what the fuck was going on.)
3. I’m not grateful that my children (two strong, independent adult daughters and a 17 year old son) who used to see me as a strong independent woman that got it done until 5 years ago when I met the ex-cheater and fell apart. I was truly happy to get it done, but getting it done became impossible when I was living in complete and utter shame of how “sick and depressed” I was because that was ex-cheaters favorite line. My children must now wonder, “What happened to Mom? How could she let this happen?”
4. I’m not grateful that his children (beautiful wonderful 13 year old daughter and kind, sweet 11 year old son) will have to spend time with him and his family of flying monkeys who believe/pretend he is so great while the children know the truth but are living in a confusing state of “what is real?”
5. I’m not grateful that I feel bitter and angry today.
Can you think of anything you could do tonight that would make you feel better?
I know how paralyzing or scarily energizing anger can be. It has lead me down the wrong path many times.
I have counseling in one hour and then I think I’m going to move all of my furniture around…things are not feeling right and something about heaving large pieces of furniture and changing my surroundings sounds appealing. I know about wrong paths and my wrong path seems to be shutting down (laying in bed and praying my phone does not ring). Counseling and restructuring – that is my plan.
After staying at a hotel for a week – my son, my dog, and I moved into an apartment (read storage issues) back in August. I haven’t had time or energy or motivation to put everything away or get organized. I had a dream/nightmare about him last night and it set the tone for today. HOW DID I GET HERE AND HOW DO I FIND MY WAY OUT?
Wow, Angie.
I so admire your courage. Getting away from him so quickly shows real strength. Who cares about storage, and stuff, and making it neat? One more second in an abusive environment is one second too long.
YOU ARE MIGHTY!
Hey Angie. You are here with CL and the gang. An awful lot of the people here know how you got here AND how you get out. So it’s simple, you can just hang here with us other chumps and it all gets better. And I don’t mean the pain goes away or suddenly it’s fine – I mean that you find deep understanding and wisdom here. And lots of funny stuff too. Often I just howl with laughter – the sheer rawness of it sometimes takes you breath away. But I already know you will make it as you are in CL’s big old lifeboat sailing towards the island of ‘ meh’. Sit back and enjoy the ride. ?
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
You will get there. Look at your current situation as temporary. In your mind fix a picture of what
Life you want. Then move towards it.
Hugs
Getting your home organised sounds like a great plan! Burn off some of that excess frustration shifting heavy armchairs, and at the end you will get a more beautiful nest. You sound so sensible! It’s really hard the day after these dreams but I think you are handling it very well.
I still have nightmares nine years out. The pain of deception is something I can’t figure out how to overcome. I understand what you are saying.
Wow! You are all so amazing. Truly, truly this site and the support is nothing sort of a much needed miracle for me right now. This site makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m grateful for:
– Not having to shave his neck
– Not having to hear him say “How’s it going there” to everyone … I mean, what does “there” even mean?
– Not having to pretend in front of my family that I’m happily married
– Not finding his work shirts hanging on the backs of the dining room chairs (he works in automotive)
– Not wondering why he is always on his phone instead of engaging with PEOPLE in front of him
– Not having to witness him ignore my stepchildren and son
– Not hearing him suck snot back up his nose because he doesn’t like to blow it out
– Not having to see him pick his toes after taking off his socks and flicking whatever he finds on to the floor
– Not having to wonder who is he fucking now behind my back
– Not having to financially underwrite his life, his two failed relationships, and 5 stepchildren
– Not having contracted an STD from him
– Not having to spend the rest of my life with a Narcissist
Rock on Chump Nation.