Boy if I ever wanted something to be fake news, it’s this latest nugget that Huma Abedin is working things out with disgraced politician-creepy-Tweeter-boxer-boner-pedophile-destroyer-of-the-free-world Anthony Weiner.
I mean, I think I’m uniquely positioned to understand the exquisite idiocy that is the chump condition, but even I am gobsmacked at this news. Anthony Weiner? According to the New York Post, parents won’t let this guy on New York City playgrounds. How creepy do you have to be when you’re too creepy for New Yorkers? These are people who routinely stroll past individuals dressed as moldy, giant Elmos, naked Cowboys, or worse, Wall St. bankers and they don’t even flinch… But Anthony Weiner? Hide your children!
Is this some kind of marketing coup for those sex ranch retreats?
I know huffing hopium can get chumps trippy on cheater potential, but there are limits to how much a chump can stand. If hopium were heroin Huma Abedin would be on her fifth Narcan resuscitation and dead in an alley by now. Please Huma, just STOP. Weiner is SCUM! What on earth are you thinking?
There comes a point when you cross over from sympathetic victim of infidelity to cast member in your own horror show. When was that point crossed? When Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl? Or sent a picture of his throbbing boner (again) while laying next to his pre-school son? Oh, I don’t know… How about that time the contents of his laptop endangered an entire Democracy?
WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM?!
Theories have been posited. Many of which blame the Clintons (who are simultaneously blamed for the separation AND the reconciliation — people, get your blameshifting straight). I mean, say what you will about Bill Clinton, but at least the dude had a JOB. Weiner is just some guy who picks up Huma’s dry-cleaning.
Theory 1. She doesn’t believe he really cheated. File this under “How many cheaters can dance on the head of a pin.” It was only sexting. He never met anyone. He was caught before it got worse. We can still save him! There’s a name for this syndrome and an expensive ranch retreat can reverse its course before it’s TOO LATE! See also: “bargaining stage of grief.”
Theory 2. They have a deep connection few can understand. Bullshit. Unless Stockholme Syndrome is a deep connection. I’m really flummoxed about this attraction. Abedin is objectively gorgeous and Weiner looks like one of those dried apple head dolls that got left in the dehydrator too long.
Theory 3. She’s shallow. Much of that rather insulting New York Post article goes on about Abedin’s obsession with celebrity and fashion. Okay, fine. Enjoy a $4,000 pencil skirt and dump the guy. You don’t need Weiner to stay in the star circle with Hillary Clinton. (If anything, I’d think Weiner is a huge liability.)
I’ll offer one observation on chumps. The conventional wisdom is the people who are most often stuck with cheaters are the stay-at-home-moms, the financially fucked, those with few options, when really I think more people are chumped by their own goddamn smugness. I’d put myself in that category. I can’t lose! I have superpowers! I can FIX THIS! I can defeat humiliation by TRYING HARDER and putting a brave front of supercilious reconciliation on this shit!
To leave a cheater is to stare down the specter of your own failure — not of causing a cheater to cheat (that’s not your fault), but of your own mortal limitations. Huma, darling, you can’t save this. And you look ridiculous trying.