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UBT: “This Isn’t the Real Me”

Ben recently submitted this glorious bit of bullshit from his not-terribly-remorseful wife. She’d like to set the record straight that the woman who cheated on him was NOT her. Well, not the core her anyway. (And if it’s just your genitals cheating, and not your core, it doesn’t count, right?)

You’ll all be relieved to know that however difficult, Ben’s wife will Sacrifice Her Happiness for the Good of the Family.

Here’s her bullshit:

Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core. As much as I found myself, I also lost myself. Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness. This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter. No more secrets in my marriage. My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once. I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God. My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of. My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future. OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

Boy, CN — can’t you feel the sorry? Without further ado, we’ll put it through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core.

Deep, deep down in my mitochondrial DNA is the Real Me. She’s a tiny invisible presence. Just a whiff of a scintilla of a simulacrum of a soul. The Real Me isn’t dependent on any of my actual behavior, but I can summon this purported Better Self at will. Like, whenever you call me out on my bullshit. Oh look! There she is!

As much as I found myself, I also lost myself.

My personal journey of discovery was worth destroying your world. I lost myself (see also: mistake, wayward, wandered haplessly into a snowdrift), but in the process I found myself! She was lost, that Happy Person — but cheating on you reawakened me! That true self who isn’t the core me.

Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness.

If I hurt you, it was only so I could be happy. And isn’t my personal happiness worth your suffering? I think it is.

Choosing you is the right, but miserable choice. Little concession prizes, all of you.

You know what would be great? Is if you cared about my happiness. Then you’d let me fuck other people, and not force me to choose you in great sorrow.

This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter.

I got dumped.

 No more secrets in my marriage.

You won’t learn the truth, so don’t even try.

My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.

You’ll never own my heart. But you get my head! An expanse so barren it makes Texas look like the fertile crescent. #winning

I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God.

I blame Jesus for this shit.

I will martyr myself for the sake of God and Family. There is nobility in my suffering. Woe!

My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of.

If I say much more about fucking around on him, my husband may not care as deeply about my happiness as he should. I wish he wasn’t aware. #nomoresecrets

My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future.

My feelings changed when the OM dumped me. Time to re-examine my marriage! And hedge my bets if it doesn’t work out.

OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

I’m sorry I can’t go to your choral recital, Cindy. I’m mourning my fuckbuddy, who put a bullet in his head for his unrequited love of me. The funeral is today, so your little childhood accomplishments will just have to wait. Does this black Armani suit make Mommy’s ass look fat? I know you’re only 6, but look sharp! Mommy’s talking to you! Tell Mommy she looks pretty in her suit. It’s essential that I look good today, Cindy. His wife will probably be at the funeral, all sad, drab and sexless. But brave in her own way, of course. I need a tasteful outfit that says “I fucked your dead husband. Better than you ever could.”

Oh Cindy, quit sniveling. It’s a school assembly of tone-deaf grade schoolers warbling show tunes. It’s not La Scala. Consider Mommy’s happiness, Darling. I have a funeral to go to.

***

Run, Ben, RUN.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • “I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God.”

      Praise the Lord..!
      .., it’s God’s will. “I” have chosen my kids and the family. “I” want them to be with the people who “created” them.
      Is she and God the same entity?

    • They’ve been caught and are backed into a corner and they think if they are “honest” it “makes” them a “good person”, whereas good people don’t have to be honest to be good people. They are just honest BECAUSE they don’t have to cover up their secret shitty ways. It’s REALLY not that difficult. If you’re having to lie, what you are doing is not good.

        • Apparently the golden rule was just 1 billion percent forgotten?! It was okay for STBX to fuck a whore but when he even IMAGINED me cheating on him he got teary eyed and worked up. Really?! How does that work? Do as I say not as I do? That must be the cheater’s golden rule.
          ??

          • Yup. Cheater.boy already steamed over the. boyfriend I might someday have who would benefit from “his” money. Does not think it right to “subsidize” this theoretical guy. Never mind my years of subsidizing his actual sluts.

            • As if I one is allowed to move on even after the cheater has moved on. It’s so infuriating to me (can you tell I spend a lot of time infuriated? ?) the cheater moved on while you’re still married to them. Then they want you hanging on for them to come back. But they don’t even want you. That’s why they cheated and threw you away in the first place. But if you are going to move on it’s “what about me?!!!!!!!” Well, you LEFT(!) the marriage! How exactly is this supposed to work? Can’t we just punch them all? Or send them to the Island of Misfit Fuck Toys? And then just lose the map ?

              • Shelby, bless your heart! You just crack me up even when I think I can’t laugh anymore! OMG girl! I wish you had been at my side when satan started his meowing and growling and crazy makin bullshit! While I stood there reeling and trying to comprehend you probably would’ve shut his shit down PRONTO 😀 Took his super secret cellphone and made it a permanent part of his anatomy! 😀 I wish I’d had your spunk! 😀 Woulda made short work of the misery and never EVER allowed him to get to the breakin my bones stage! Cheating lying coward woulda been pickin his ass up off the ground somewhere bout 1/2 a mile from my home! Propelled by shear FEMALE FURY 🙂

                Thank you so much Shelby! I wish I could get as mad as you do! I’d emanate a fierce glowing red force field that would attract and ZAP cheaters on contact! 🙂 Freeing the world of needless suffering and strife at the hands of these disordered assholes! YES! Think of it! How many lives would be improved and future chumps and children never TOUCHED! YES! We must create such an aura device! 🙂

    • Divorce Minister, my cheater had the gall to say, in front of a court mediator, that I could trust him.

      When I asked him how one goes about trusting a cheater, he answered that he was not a cheater.

      I then asked him if (OW’s name) was a mirage.

      Sniggers in the court room.

  • The mourning part..I had to actually deal with this shit with YoYo Knickers!

    AP died in a plane crash about 6 months after D-Day, as far as i know it was pilot error…make of that what you will. She said she felt a psychical pain in her chest and likened it to losing one of her own children! All 3 of our children are still alive…WTF!!!

    She attended the funeral, along with one of his previous mistresses and his widow (You can’t make this shit up!) Came home and announced she was the most attractive of all of them! His widow looked liked a man apparently!

    His widow committed suicide a year later.

    All just one big, sad, tragic, Fu*ked up mess.

    • Mickey, my cheater husband told me once of this Italian movie he watched. It was all before DDay and I wish I attributed the right meaning to what he had said. A famous actor died and his whole village got together for the funeral and all of a sudden these women started popping up. Mistress 1. Mistress 2. Mistress 3. The wife. Discoveries and funny Italian style conversations. There was also this long-time friend that was present in this man’s life all throughout various mistresses. At the end of the movie it turned out it was his gay partner. Also fighting for his place in this actor’s life. Wanting recognition for his contributions.

      My cheater wanted to be the dead character of that movie. Have all these people fight for him even after his death.

      It’s funny that the “pick me dance” can go well beyond the life of a cheater.

      My cheater also said all this almost to the t. “I had to go through this experience but I choose family now. I have had enough. I can sacrifice my happiness. I know it’s an elusive state and love and happiness don’t exist. So now I made up my mind to be with you and work on our relatioship.”

      — But don’t expect love and happiness, wifey. They only exist when I have cake. If you let me eat cake, I will give you some kibbles which you can attribute to love and happiness. For 2 seconds maybe.

      • Hey … I’ve seen that movie. No wait … I’ve LIVED that movie!! Except I am still waiting for the lead character to mercifully die. I can assure you the ex-wife will not be in attendance at the funeral!

        • LOL! Dixie, I’m with you on not attending the funeral. I can’t believe how many people have asked in advance if I would attend if he passed–absolutely not. I tell them I have no need for closure and no respects to pay. Done, done, done.

        • I have told friends that I will ask for some of his ashes, drive up to Canada near Niagara Falls and scatter his ashes — in the closest toilet I can get towards the falls, then (after I, uuummm…) flush him down.

          Hey, I’m just honoring his wishes and scattering his ashes over Niagara Falls, lolol, he didnt specify how exactly. ..

          Go to his funeral? !?!?! Hell no!!!

          • When the ex died, I did not go to the funeral. I didn’t even know he died for months until the obit was published in a national magazine. By then I was on my way to my wedding to a good guy. I did talk a bit with ex’s sister later, who said they’d tried to find me to tell me and how disturbed she’d been by the way he behaved toward the end. It wasn’t so different, except that he did that around his family. She said no one was going to miss him, and I agreed.

      • AP offed himself to get away from your ex and his exes? At least I’d like to believe he was too distracted keeping his various fuckbuddies apart to keep his plane in the air, assuming he was the only one on board. And I doubt he expected a Mistress America pageant at his funeral. True mourning from those who judge themselves as hotter than the other contestants is unlikely. You didn’t lose a thing, Mickey. You got a confirmation that the product was indeed defective and dangerous.

    • I would imagine going through her husband’s things, like emails and texts, she found out what kind of sleezebag she had been married to. Cheating. The gift that keeps on giving.

      • I believe there was an inquest into the AP death, times and places of his whereabouts on the day he died would probably confirm that his widow was aware of his affair.

    • Tell me you didn’t find all of that out when she tried to come back to you! I hope she stayed away after destroying your marriage.

      • neverwouldhaveimaginedit…I stayed well away believe me. She came out with the “I was the most attractive” bullshit when I called into collect the kids the day after his funeral. I didn’t find anything out either, she told me to my face!

        • I don’t know if this compares to your X Mickey, different circumstances but similar.
          X was constantly comparing himself to other men or husbands in the neighborhood, the other father’s attending our son’s school band performance, any place where there were other men. He’d like to comment that he was better looking, had the best physique, biceps,legs, looked so much younger than the other men.
          One day we were at the mall as we walked by an Abercrombie and Fitch, remember they had the big black and white posters of shirtless, young muscular men modeling ? X turned to me and said I look as good as these guys, my body looks like his or better than his…, he never stopped talking about himself.
          X wears the sleeveless t-shirts, preferably tight fitted, if while we were out someone complemented him on his biceps. that would be the topic of that day and for at least a week afterwards.

          • Brit my ex was convinced he was gorgeous. Say what? I never cared how people looked but gorgeous he wasn’t. 112 lb with cystic acne and he had the nerve to wear a muscle man shirt! A few years ago two of my sons’ friends were killed in a car crash. To go to the funeral, my youngest son wore a suit but the oldest wore dress pants and a shirt, so the ex laid into him about how inappropriate he was dressed. I had a really skinny uncle who had died 25 years earlier and his wife gave my ex some of his jackets as he was the only one skinny enough to fit them. So I just turned round and said “hey, 1974 called – they want their jacket back”. The boys got a fit of the giggles but ex was furious, because NOBODY make fun of Mr. Marine Corps!

      • Rolflmao! I hope her cooter catches fire also! ?????? dying laughing – and now I also know there’s no Rosetta Stone to decipher their bullshit and yeah, let’s definitely lose that map……and many more gems that caused me to snort royal. All y’all are cracking me up tonight and I sure needed to laugh. It’s been awhile. ??❤️ CN is the best.

        My Jesus cheater said he didn’t know the REAL Jesus before!!! Uh, I guess his divine awakening occurred as soon as he got caught and things started to unravel, because he leapt into the baptismal within a week after Dday1, like HIS cooter was afire. Said he needed to be RE-baptized because he didn’t really believe before. Before what? Before pretending he did? Before his first baptism? Before he spoke his marriage vows 26 years ago in front of God and witnesses? Before fucking around with a bunch of howorkers and “kind” non-profit career women? (Yes, he seemed to have a penchant for the sweet candy strippers… I mean candy stripers. ? I stepped waaay back for fear of lightning strike. Not even a hose down a la Meryl fucking Streep in Silkwood was gonna wash the decades of deception or stench of cheating shitbag off him. Trying to claim he didn’t know the real Jesus during all those two plus decades? Telling me I should/needed to forgive him now – bc Jesus washed his sins away and forgave him? I mean he did get re-baptized and all right? So what’s my big problem and what’s with all the bitter bitchiness?

        Told him I wasn’t at all familiar with “his” Jesus, and the Jesus I know ain’t buying the shit he’s shoveling and neither was I. Friar Fuckwit made the mistake of choosing that moment to tell me my swearing offended him…..? It. Was. ON. I lit him up and when I ran out of real swear words I just made up new ones. Unfuckingbelievable. He stood there, blankly staring, bizarrely calm and said sniffily, “well, I’m sure you know how you’re talking to me is not very Jesus like.” I lost all my chiclets after that – because that is just straight up crazy as all fuck. At some point nothing will formulate in response to the madness. And that’s what they create – mindfucking madness.

    • That’s all she was worried about? That she looked better than all the other women?

      How pompous and egocentrical can she get!

      And stupid! She has no clue how bad this comment makes her look.

      • She’s a narcissist. AP’s death is sad because it affects her. AP’s wife’s misery, not on her radar. It’s all about looking better than the other women AP was with. Remember, the universe revolves on an axis through her, and everything else she does makes sense (twisted, sad, AFU sense, but at least sense, of a sort.)

        Mickeyblueeyes, I don’t think her comment is surprising. The question I’d ask is why she felt the need to share it with you, to say it to your face. It’s like she’s saying, ‘of all the side action AP got, I was the best’. Is she justifying it to you, her being the best fling for a now dead man? Is she rubbing her good looks in your face? I don’t know exactly, but I do know this – you need to insulate yourself from exposure to that subtle toxicity. My condolences (to you, not to her).

        Hugs. Peace.
        aeronaut

    • The NERVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE of both of the OW showing up at the freaking funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It just blows my mind how anyone could bring themselves to show up. UNREAL

  • If I may:

    “Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core.”

    That’s EXACTLY who you are at your core. A measure of a person’s character lies in the behavior shown when (s)he thinks no one is looking. When you thought you could get away wit it, you did this. This is who you are at your core.

    Not nearly as entertaining as CL’s take, but I hope you’ll take note Ben.

    • Yeah, because setting up online accounts and buying untraceable phones and arranging Skype dates when nobody else will be near you “just happens” while nobody is looking. It happens to me all the time.

      I am just sitting there, working away, and a little *pop* sound interrupts my focused silence. I look over and see a brand new burner phone just sitting there on my desk. Where did THAT come from? Then a Skype window pops up on my screen and it is logged into an account I don’t recognize. Some OM is on there, and I am instantly happier than I have ever been. I lose all control of myself and my burdensome family magically ceases to exist.

      It’s too bad I’m helpless to stop this from happening and control myself. My lot in life, I guess. Woe is me.

    • And note also: “That’s not ME at my core.”

      There’s a reason why the word ‘me’ is in all caps, instead of the word ‘not.’ Know who you’re dealing with here, Ben.

    • A measure of a person’s character lies in the behavior shown when (s)he thinks no one is looking.
      Wow I have never thought of that, so true, thanks for the insight.

      • Our counselor told this to my stbx and he looked so stumped, like she just told a kindergartener the difference between truth and a lie…….forehead slap

      • Yes. I’ve always lived by the saying, “character is doing the right thing even if no one will ever know, because you will know”. I couldn’t live with myself doing wrong. Others have no conscience and it’ll never bother them.

        • Marked711, I live by the same saying, you know right from wrong, you make choices based on what’s right or wrong, even if no one is watching or would find out, you know and you have to live with yourself. I would be wracked with guilt if I purposely hurt anyone.
          X enjoyed giving me long lectures on his integrity, making an issue of other people and their miner infractions, such as not putting their shopping cart in the designated cart area, he always put’s his cart away.., blah, blah. An honest person doesn’t need to constantly tell people they’re honest, Which leads me to the question, who he was trying to convince?

    • 3 for 3 in the low down dirty department! This sentence just sounds ridiculous. People with good character would never make these deliberate and destructive choices.

    • “Suddenly” is such a telling word there. I did all of these detailed things that took tons of time, effort, money, and planning, but they happened “suddenly,” like a thunderbolt out of the clear blue sky. She’s the victim, dontcha know, just innocently living her life, when this mysterious thing magically happened, catching her all unawares. So weird. Snort.

      • I’m sure that times stands still to do all that planning, and the result feels “sudden!” to the idiot who needs an excuse.

      • Alien abduction.., she was abducted by aliens taken aboard an alien space craft, after hours of probing, they placed her in front of a computer screen, on Skype, and pay-as-you-go phone.
        It could happen to anyone..,

    • Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. It helps wrap all the BS I’ve heard into a single sentence. — You are your actions. — I love the brevity of it. Shockingly simple, isn’t it?

      Mine actually said to me “I’m not a bad person; I’ve just done a lot of bad things.” No. You lied and deceived me for years, withheld love and affection and stole more than 15 years of my life. You are more than a bad person. You are evil.

        • I got that too…satan texted, ‘I am not a bad man, I am just bad at some stuff.’

          …uh yeah…meow

      • My X also wrote, “I’m a better person than you think I am.” Um, no. You are a nefarious fucker to prey on women and young students.

        • No, no, X is a better person than you think he is. He feels bad about all that stuff. Real bad. But not bad enough to not do it, or keep doing it, or apologize, or ….

          Peace.
          aeronaut

        • Mine said, after I confronted X and asked how he could claim to be a man of integrity,
          “My integrity is intact.” I don’t need

          What??

      • This is what I got “I really don’t know who or what I have become. It is a person so foreign to me and I don’t like him.” Sounds like a version of ‘this is not the real me.’ Distancing himself from his behavior (cheating)
        Closest I got to an apology ” I’m sorry I surrendered my self-respect in allowing my fear of your reaction to overrule what I needed to do and have hurt you, her and myself.” I got one word in all that BS. The rest was all about him.

        • It seems that BAD is not a word cheaters can accept. Like WRONG or LIAR. Boy, those judgmental sounding words don’t work for them, do they? They want nice, they should act like caring, decent people instead of filthy whore bags.

    • The monkey wrote me after I caught his sorry ass cheating (after 20 years of a seemingly really happy and fulfilling marriage): “90% of who you thought I was, I still am.” WTF???
      He is one of those who left and never looked back, and he is the master of word salad and image management. I should send his letter to the UBT: “our beautiful marriage was destroyed by deeds of the flesh”, “the devil is dancing of pure joy”, “you are 100% responsible as I am a 100% percent responsible of everything”, “we have a chance to be friends for the sake of the kids so that the devil doesn’t win everything”, “God wants me to be happy”, “I can’t be with you because you are not my friend! And if you were you would be happy that I am staring a new life” etc.
      I kicked him out and filled for divorce some months later. I found out he had been cheating with many women for years. Seriously, character is shown by what you do when no one is looking (as someone said above). It has taken me years to recover from the depth of the deceit and blame shifting.

      • Wow. So reminiscent of KK’s recent letter to me.

        Let me get this straight:

        Supernatural beings are using your marriage to continue the eternal epic battle between good and evil. He’s a powerless pawn in this, but you have the power to make everything right by being friends with him. And if you cared about your children at all, you’d do so.

        That’s pretty impressive.

        • So-let me get this right, the devil is out looking for some extra strange on the side?
          And our ex’s just happen to fall for it?

          Um ok……whatever……

        • Exactly UXworld! I’m impressive!
          And when he texted me ordering me what we are to do with our adult children’s mourning from grandfather dying and I answered “no, we are not a team, we are not going to do anything together” he answered “you are incredible.”
          See? I’m incredible! And he is an disorder piece of shit.

          • They are great with that crap aren’t they!!! My ex ran off to be with the blonde howorker after 20 years. I get from him a few months later when I wasn’t bowing to his every wish…. we don’t live separate lives you know. It is not my life with the kids and your life with the kids. It is our life together with the kids… Um… no you asshole. It was that until you ripped it apart.

            • JABT, I get it, how some of them want to “function as a family” after destroying it. He goes crazy when I say “my children” and yells back “our children” to which I just say “my children, their father was a mirage”. He hates it and I just turn of the phone.

        • Gee I thought only my Ex used the ” I did it because I was inflicted by an unclean spirit” excuse. Yep expected that proclaiming he was delivered would make me change my mind about filing. In one tiny declaration I was to cease being upset, angry, frustrated, and return to being the doormat he had spent years grooming. When this didn’t happen Ex and the pastor from the church set about guilting me for not forgiving him and remaining open to reconciliation. When this didn’t work I was openly shamed and accused of choosing to sin in divorce. In their view my sin was deliberate his was not his fault, so this made him the victim and me the abuser, a justification he still uses three years on for being a total dick.

          • Oh dear! Thankful that is awful! I hope you went to another church! Think about it like this, if the adultery had happened in the times of the Old Testament, he would be death before you would have had a chance to divorce him. God is extremely serious about adultery. Please, find another church and write to Divorce Minister. He has great insight!

            • I agree with Gaby!!
              There are a lot of great churches (and pastors) out there who will support you through this!
              XH adultery was the vow/deal breaker.
              You have a God right to divorce XH because of his decision to cheat!

          • Thanks. I moved to a new church right way. It was not easy and at times now I still struggle but nothing compares to the struggles I had living with my ex.

      • What’s with cheaters and the percentages? During the time we were supposedly working on our marriage — out of the blue he said, “I don’t think we are going to make it.? And I was like, what?!!! And he said “I’m at 50% that I think we’ll make it.” Well, that was just another lie. He was already at 100%. And then in the divorce letter he said, “I want someone who can trust me 100%.

        So now he is dating the women I caught him out with. I wonder if she trusts him 100%?

        And yes, submit your letter to the UBT. That’s a whole lot of crap that he said to you!!

        • UBT almost makes me wish I still had the “I choose you” note the exhole gave me right before taking a trip to LA with OW. Pretty sure I burned all of the notes/letters/cards one night tho. Either that or they were in the last box of exhole’s stuff I gave over to the OW..

          Would be a hoot to get that angle on it.

      • Yeah Gaby, my cheater said something similar: “you didn’t marry the wrong guy. You married the right guy who just made some mistakes.”

          • Hahahaha!!! I sincerely hope I do not have the opportunity to ask him…. I just want my divorce ASAP to go out and buy my little farm.

          • I looked in the medicine cabinet and in his underwear drawer and such and found who he was even before I found the slut students and patients. An anorexic cult leader wannabe. Who was a semi-famous and much published psychologist. Who lost it all, not because of what he did to his wife (who would be me), but how his outbursts maligned the two universities who employed him by showing what a piece of filth he was in public, with copies to everyone he knew professionally. Fired, and fired. Good riddance. Like all of the worst cheaters, he wanted me to come back later to clean up after him. No is the correct answer but a better answer is no answer at all. Let those losers clean up after themselves. They had no problem with making a mess all by themselves. Believe that they are as rotten as they behave, TO THE CORE.

        • I guess he does. But he was dancing since the first choice monkey made years ago to go cheat on me as a way to get even because I didn’t made him feel “extra special” 100% of the time (I eventually found out that was one of the patterns).
          And my goodness the way these cheaters try to bend God’s word. It’s sick.

      • Seriously, there is nothing worse than a Jesus cheater. I think cheaters and cheating is messed up, but when they add the multi level brain screw layer of trying to “tap into your Christianity” there is absolutely no untangling that skein.

        Makes me absolutely embarrassed to be Christian. Embarrassed and more than a bit sick to my stomach.

          • Me too! There is something about Jesus cheating that just infuriates me above and beyond all other cheaters! I guess because if you really ARE religious you know the stances on the actions and you should be attempting to live an elevated life in line with the beliefs! And then you do worse than a “regular good person” would be willing to do and then have the nerve to pretend you gave a ? about your beliefs. It’s so, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOOO WRONG! ?

        • It’s not just the Jesus cheaters. Islam explicitly states that Allah loves nothing more than the freeing of slaves, and hates nothing more than divorce. So, given that, what is required for a Moslem man to divorce his wife? He must state, publicly, three times “I divorce you.” That’s it. And a recent ruling states that texts count.

          While Islam has many good things in it, it was clearly written by men, for men. A woman marries for life, a man can have up to four wives, provided he can love them all equally. Hey, maybe that explains a lot – many of the cheaters we lament here aren’t narcissists, they are closet Moslems taking on a second wife, misunderstood and oppressed by our monogamous society.

          All that said, I’ve known a number of Moslems in my life, and all of them have been wonderful people. The radicals out there, a tiny fraction of a percent of Moslems, give Islam a bad name, but most true Moslems say the radicals aren’t Moslems at all, they have distorted the religion beyond recognition.

          Peace. Salaam.
          aeronaut

    • UXWorld – you nailed it: “A measure of a person’s character lies in the behavior shown when (s)he thinks no one is looking.”

      Mr. Sparkles had so many online affairs and online profiles, it was stupefying. His own daughter would be doing her homework on his computer late a night and IMs would pop-up looking for “SilverFox”… and would leave his dirty hand towel remenants in the wash pile for me. It was so pathetic and passive aggressive on so many levels. BUT – there was truth in his actions. As UXWorld said, this was Mr. Sparkles SHOWING ME WHO HE IS.

  • Hey, I know that horror show–I used to live there! My ex-wife also spoke in sentence fragments of garbled profundity and self-pity. A kind of proto-twitter-speak. And, of course, wanting to make the best of it, I attributed meaning (depth, empathy, remorse) where there was, as Elvis Costello said, “less than zero.”

    There is no Rosetta Stone for this dialect. Chump Lady gives it a good go, but it’s only a rough approximation: “I, I, I.” In the end, this way of thininking cannot be truly understood, but only escaped.

    • I deal with this type of crap, too. It is a waste of time trying to untangle the true heart and meaning behind the words. Just trust they suck and move on.

    • Thanks Nomar.

      I needed to read this: “this way of thinking cannot be truly understood, but only escaped”.

    • Lol. “There is no Rosetta Stone for this dialect.” Yep. It dawned on me one day (when I was particularly flabbergasted) that I never would understand some people. …because…you see… I only have ONE face. 😉

    • When I finally saw the level of disorder I was dealing with with STBX, it was chilling.

      And escape, I did.

  • The very first word is bullshit:

    “Suddenly…”

    There is NOTHING sudden about an affair. It’s a series of thousands of daily decisions to disrespect boundaries, lie by omission, lie outright, manipulate, and finally play damage control when caught.

    My wife was in such denial about these thousands of choices that she was surprised when I “suddenly” told her we were getting divorced.

    Yes. Seriously. Who could have seen divorce as a result of an affair?!?!

    • JC, I think Manchild perhaps was having an affair with your (I hope EX) wife-

      Yes it was all so sudden – several months of phone calls, texting, and planning a dinner date which morphed into room service before it even began – yup planning for 3 weeks to fuck someone who is married to someone else is SO SUDDEN!

      Why was I in such a rush to get divorced? he asked. Apparently, I was to stay married to a man who had left me physically and emotionally for his ho-worker. I guess even he was smart enough to know the long term prospects of his new twoo wuuv were not good. So he thought I should stick around as his discarded wife appliance for a year or two until HE was sure he didn’t need me as a plan B.

      You can’t make this shit up!

      • ^^^ THIS^^^ Mr. Sparkles asked me – a year after the Discard and D–day #4… and I quote… “Is there a reason to expedite the divorce?” after I told him I wanted to sit down and discuss it.

        I replied that I thought it was time given he was about to introduce the OW to our son and start playing Brady Bunch with her and her kids.

        His reply after my rant, “OK, I was just wondering if we needed to expedite.”

        I filed, without giving him notice, 60 days later.

        You can’t make this shit up IS RIGHT!

    • Exactly. Choosing to cheat is a series of very deliberate decisions, from the first lie forward. My X actually began insisting that I give him my travel schedule (for work) a month in advance so his fuck buddy could make her plans and lie to her husband. There is never, ever one decision, one lie, one pre-planning incident, unless of course, you consider cheating one continuous lie. The deception ends only when the chump decides to walk away from the crazy.

    • My STBX claims he had NO IDEA it was an affair. So what would YOU call it if I met a man in a bar? Then took his number and started texting him. And then started talking shit about my husband to him. And then we started to “develop feelings for each other”. And then I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. And then I KISSED HIM. And then I MET HIM AT A HOTEL AND FUCKED HIM. That’s NOT an affair? Where EXACTLY does an affair start then? Because I’m PRETTY SURE when you started going “????❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️???????? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” That MIGHT have been an affair. But maybe when you tell your WIFE “I’m going to go meet my former boss Tom for lunch to talk about work stuff” and then you meet your GIRLFRIEND IN A HOTEL AND FUCK HER, AFTER you’ve already spent all this time talking about feelings and meeting with her to spend the day shopping and holding hands and making out together THAT’S when the affair started?

      You’d think these people were toddlers. “It just happened. It was a mistake. It was an accident.” Well I guess I’m REALLY LUCKY no one has ever ACCIDENTALLY met me in a hotel room and fallen into my open vagina. Maybe because I don’t generally skulk around men I’m not married to, then invite them to hotel rooms and open my legs to them. Crazy how they don’t sell affair insurance the way they sell fire or earthquake or car insurance. You know. For things that are caused by ACTUAL ACCIDENTS! ?

        • I didn’t actually see THAT text but when he was “trying to fix our marriage” after d-day and I KNEW he wasn’t no contact anymore with the whoremat. I checked his phone and saw enough about “true soulmates never settle” and “I NEVER want to have to text about our feelings again. I can’t wait to lay in your arms” and shit like that. I know that ULTRA sexy emoji seduction would have just knocked my panties right off if only my husband was sending it to me instead of the whoremat. Too bad I’m asexual and frigid and hate sex, maybe all his efforts would have been for nothing since my panties are actually a double pad locked chastity belt of hatred for my husband that was apparently stuck on for the entire length of our miserable marriage. (Just ask him about what a terrible wife I was.)

          • Laughing so hard at this, Sad Shelby, only because if you don’t laugh at it you will cry at the insanity of it all. Yep, it was that iron clad husband hating chastity belt!

            Thanks for posting today.

          • In emoji speak they stand for a dick. The peach is a butt. Very juvenile but it still makes me laugh ?

      • Sad Shelby:
        ^^^ Ditto what DemHoez said. I am literally LOL’ing. Love the emoji’s. (Couldn’t read the one at first, and when I figured it out, I laughed even more.).

        • In actuality I’m a 13 yo boy in an “adult” woman’s body because two of my favorite emojis are ??

          ???
          #SorryNotSorry

          • Bwaah! LTMOW was and is the ROW (rectum of wonder). These losers’ are stunted at age 13 or something like that.

          • Omg my stomach is cramping from laughing so hard I can’t breathe! ????????➡️?☄️?⚡️??

      • The deception only ends when the chump decides to walk away from the crazy … Well said…I decided to file once he started on the ” I am in love with her” so that I would not have t be around to listen to “i found my soulmate “. God forbid !

      • {*”Well I guess I’m REALLY LUCKY no one has ever ACCIDENTALLY met me in a hotel room and fallen into my open vagina. … … …”*}

        hahaha.. .. i guess i am also lucky that i never stayed out all night drinking with people my husband doesnt like and no one accidentally fell into my vagina either. .. ..

        i guess my ex was so surprised when all the restricting clothes just magically disappeared and the hood rat troll whore just tripped and landed on his erect penis with her vagina while he was out drinking and just sitting on his cousins couch.. .. .. apparently he was so surprised that he couldnt say a word to her about his wife and kids waiting at home for him. and the only thing he could do is offer her another beer when she managed to work herself off his dick.. ..

        apparently this “accident” happens so frequently for him that he was worried about my vagina’s safety and never wanted ME to go out drinking and sitting on peoples couches. .. he did not want to risk me somehow tripping on the rug and ending up sitting on some other man’s penis.. .. luck me got to stay home safe and trip free while he braved the troublesome couch just so he could have a drink.

        • You’d think after an “accident” like that he’d know to stay away from that couch AND those beers AND that whore. Maybe it wasn’t so accidental?! ?? (I hate them so much!)

    • Yes, ever so suddenly they found themselves at a hotel (AKA, “neutral ground”), naked, with a box of condoms. They just wanted to talk! The sex was so SUDDEN and UNEXPECTED. Who could have predicted it? Who could have guessed? What an unexpected turn of events! The condoms were for balloon animals. You wouldn’t divorce someone for something as innocent as balloon animals, would you?

      And my ex did the whole lost myself/found myself bullshit, depending on which version was most convenient in the moment. I also got the “not who I am” song and dance. Turns out that he was willing and able to prove that that’s *exactly* who he is at the core. So is she. I wonder how much time and energy they jointly expend trying to chase their identities?

  • Put this whore out to pasture, where she belongs. She’s not the least bit sorry. You will never trust her again. She will be a cheater again. Nothing for you there.

  • With some reservations , I’ll opt for Plan B, which happns to be my husband and children. But truely they will never get all of my heart. Otherwise, I’m all in with with reconciliation. thing.

    • Joe, so right!
      It just NEVER occurs to the disordered that they could SAY to us – I’m not happy we should go to counseling, or separate, or divorce, or whatever. . . no they accidentally just fuck someone else and it is all so SUDDEN!!!

      • “Not my intention” is one of the many excuses I’ve gotten from the XW. “None of this was ever intended.” The poor girl just kept “accidentally” falling on strange dicks (3 to be exact) without any intention. Must have been so exhaustive for her.

        They say “Hell is paved with good intentions” which makes me wonder which dark level of hell is reserved for those disordered fucks with “No intentions?”

    • “My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.”

      Exactly. My UBT for this phrase is “OM didn’t come through with the goods, the escape condo, the divorce from his own wife, the monthly stipend, so for now, I’m stuck with my family. But I am still entitled to do whatever the fuck I want after a bit of lip-service in front of the therapist. I am not remorseful one bit. My heart, my ability to love is special, so special my lame husband, who wants to discuss meaningless topics in therapy like “his pain”, would not understand. I am a wonderful, enlightened, entitled, lying beeyotch, and I’ll continue to monitor OM’s instagram account and secret email accounts even though I won’t have sex with him for 3 to 6 months. And when I do have sex with him again after a 3 to 6 months pause, my heart will again be in its second (or first?) place. Probably in its first place, because my heart is a winner like me! But my happiness doesn’t matter because I will occasionally spout some nonsense about how important my kids are. Yes my wonderful kids. I bet they would really like the OM if they got to know him. Maybe my kids inherited my unique ability to have a dual-location heart! Oh yeah, but after starting up the affair again, I’ll realize OM still hasn’t given my a exit condo, so I’ll choose my husband again for a spell and hope I don’t give him a STD or let him find the EPT in the trash – which I won’t because my dual loving heart is so fine.”

      • The cheater’s heart CAN be in two places at once. Their genitals AND the AP’s genitals too. Cheaters are an anatomical anomaly, they somehow have two hearts (that aren’t functional) while the chump has only one.

  • “This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter.”

    Don’t ask any questions Ben. You’re given no choice. She’s not even looking for a pickme dance. She picks you and the children over consequences. How very humble. Because after all she’s calling the shots. Run Ben run.

    • Doingme hit the nail on the head, Ben… “She picks you and the children over consequences”
      Cheaters do think about getting caught and consequences every time they make plans to sleep together. Deep down, what it says is that they hope that if they are caught, you will forgive them and that they are willing to take the risk because you are not worth being faithful and respectful to. How thoughtless. RUN BEN. She SUCKS horribly.

  • All I see is
    Poor me
    Blah blah blah
    Ooh, look Plan B
    Blah blah blah
    If OM dies, I must still run to him

    Run Ben, file and find the mighty inside yourself.
    Don’t make me tell you how great it is on the other side.

  • I wonder who’s receiving this letter? Is she writing to a girlfriend or an online forum? It honestly shows exactly who she is – an unfaithful, shallow cheater who is NOT excited to return to the marriage and family who no longer serve to make her happy. Nothing to work with.

  • Dear Ben, surely you must know what we think of your wife. What anyone (besides a cheater) would think.

    It sounds like she is laying out a fog to trap you using the children. That they be “raised by the people who made them”. If that were really so important to her, she would have never jeprodized this precious thing in the first place.

    Her thinking and character are critically flawed. Don’t let her sudden focus on the kids’ happiness redirect you from focusing on her deliberate behavior.

    Protect yourself and ultimately your children. Model this for them and they will grow up to be much mightier much sooner in their lives.

    Find your anger and USE it. And if you decide to stay, stay only with a legally binding postmup that gives you everything.

    In the meantime, keep coming back here and read all you can!

    • Don’t let her use the kids to get to you Ben. Mine left me for twu wuv when mine were 2 and 4 years old. Wasn’t quite as fun as he thought once we sold the house and the kids and I moved into our own home. I spent way too much time trying to untangle. Begged to come home ‘for the kids’. Stupid me let him. Told him he must’ve had a midlife crisis (at 34 y.o.). Side of spackle anyone?

      Now a few years later with Dday #2, he has found twu wuv again with our daughter’s twenty something assistant coach. A nice bit of shit sandwich for both kids since he decided to shit where we eat for his own happiness. I didn’t wait around this time hoping he’d come to his senses.

      Anyone this self-centered will always rationalize why he deserves his happiness over anyone elses. If I let him, what would be next? Son’s girlfriend one day? Daughter’s best friend? I will never again be put in this position. So long asshat!!

      If you let her, you are setting yourself up for more misery down the road.

  • Also: ” I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness… my happiness is no longer at my forefront.”

    Is anyone else getting a whiff of “look how wonderful and self-sacrificing I am, choosing to stay with you miserable slobs instead of indulging my need for side-dick?” It’s like she’s trying to make herself into this noble martyr for deciding to stay with this husband and kids that don’t make her happy and she should get cookies for that.

    • My thoughts exactly….I imagine she goes around sighing a lot…….
      The Worm did the same thing with Pookie. They’d break up, he’d mope, they’d reunite, he’d get all happy and ask me to start shaving his back again…barf, just barf.
      So glad I’m off that merry go round…..I am not a consolation prize!

    • Real people in the real world AREN’T HAPPY 100% of the time. It just IS NOT SO! It ISN’T an actual thing! Shit happens! It is life. Sometimes good shit happens. Sometimes bad shit happens. Sometimes you WUV your spouse sometimes you want to hit them in the head with a frying pan or the car. That’s LIFE! It’s not a movie or a romance novel (ACTUAL words from my cheater’s mouth about why marriage is SO DISAPPOINTING ????????? as if he was Ryan Reynolds’ humor and Ryan Gosling’s face on Channing Tatum’s body with Bill Gate’s bank account). You decide if you can stay with the person and they might not fulfill EVERY expectation you’ve EVER had for happiness but you can handle that it’s life and you chose a human being for a partner or you leave and try to “find happiness” somewhere else. It’s like “I’m not 100% happy” is some sort of get out of jail free card. Well guess what! If you asked the chump how 100% happy they were all along I bet 0% of them were 100% happy for the duration of the marriage either. But they all managed to keep their freaking pants on! It’s infuriating. This special snowflake mentality. I get that you want what’s best for yourself. Everyone has one body, one life, one chance at “happiness” but how can that mean “do whatever you want and fuck EVERYONE else!”? I know. They just don’t care.

      • Exactly. That AWOL constant rush of personal happiness–which, of course, they never did have and never can achieve, both because they lack the capacity to experience true joy, and because life involves actual daily challenges–is their excuse for everything. Apparently, I am and have always been the main obstacle between cheater boy and nirvana. Strange, then, isn’t it, that nirvana remains elusive even though I am no longer part of the equation.

      • I hate the “That’s Life” phrase applied by Cheater! Mine would say that as a phrase of inspiration and wisdom! It means they can just brush off injustice and a long term commitment in one fell swoop as if it meant NOTHING. You have become a chapter in their life and we all have to just move along and keep on truckin!

        Keep in mind, we as adults know that that is what we need to do… dust ourselves off and get back on the horse, but that coming out of cheater’s mouth infuriated me for so many reasons. The brush off and then also telling me to get over it. Grrrrrr a-sholes

        • I’m NOT a “that’s life” person in the sense that the chump should just get over it but I do believe life is not fair, good things happen, bad things happen. BUT the bad things that happen to chumps are CREATED by the cheater. You (and I and everyone else here!) did NOT become a chump because of the circumstances of “that’s life”. “That’s life” is a tornado hitting your house but the neighbor’s is fine. “That’s life” is never smoking then getting lung cancer. “That’s life” is a tree falling on your car. CHOOSING to cheat is not “that’s life” it’s “I’m an asshole and fuck you and your feelings”. I’m sorry “that’s life” was an excuse for all the shitty things your cheater did because that’s NOT life, that’s selfish disregard!

      • The deception only ends when the chump decides to walk away from the crazy … Well said…I decided to file once he started on the ” I am in love with her” so that I would not have t be around to listen to “i found my soulmate “. God forbid !

      • Totally agree ! Ex was all “let me find my happiness … “. Like I was whipping him raw everyday while working and raising 2 kids ? Bloody narcissistic scumbag is all I can say .

  • “Little concession prizes, all of you.”

    And that is it, in a nutshell. That’s how cheaters think of us and the kids. And you know concession prizes better JUMP to remain concession prizes instead of being thrown in the trash bin altogether. They don’t have any real depth of feeling for us.

    My daughter turned 16 Saturday, and apparently Hannibal Lecher has given up on having a relationship with her (she’s been NC with him for over 2 years). There was no happy birthday text this year. She’s in the trash bin since she no longer serves a useful purpose to him. I can’t imagine what it must be like to toss aside your children, and am grateful that I can’t imagine that.

      • Tempest, I’m sorry and feel your pain. Fucktard has not had any contact with his sons since dday two years ago. Nothing… birthday, Christmas, 1st baby (his grand child)… nothing until his new daughter was born a few months ago, Then “she” at three weeks old, sent them the same typed note announcing herself and how sorry “our” dad was on how they got hurt.
        Even with their kids they only think of themselves and continue their sad sausage act and impression management. What kind of person throws away their child??? Sad, pathetic, selfish excuses for humans.

        • Yes to “grateful that I can’t imagine that.” Whenever I am freshly stunned by some new depth of cruelty or neglect, this is exactly what I cling to, Tempest. I will never understand any of this, and that is a gift.

        • The letter-writing baby was the height of manipulation. And your X has some hubris to call himself a “dad” instead of a sperm donor.

    • I will never understand the abandonment of a child. I’m sooo sorry – they are disgusting human beings.

      • Yep. Chuckles abandoned his son but not before giving him a lecture on his failings as a son mid first year uni exams. And allowing Slaggy-Anne to call the police on us both with made up twaddle. Cracking example of a human being.

        It’s who they are inside. Rotten to the core.

        • Ugh, CCCC-UK, it is unfathomable that these cheating jackasses could cast aspersions on anyone else’s character with a straight face. I hope your son is doing better.

    • The only reason my DD hasn’t gone NC is he pays for her cellphone bill. I wish she would get a job and be done with him as it is a toxic arrangement that is all about his need for narrative.

    • Parental narc discard. The ol’, “I’ll show you!” from the disordered.

      Well, happy birthday to your sweet 16 daughter. It may not mean much coming from a stranger, but 16 is a pretty big deal.

    • Tempest, I feel for your daughter.
      But maybe being ignored by her father is for the best.

      I once read a memoir by a man who realized that being ignored by his schizophrenic father was his father’s way of protecting him. Not that your cheater gives a shit about his daughter’s wellbeing, but her being around this guy whom you consistently describe as a pompous, selfish, vain, imoral ass must not be healthy for her!

      A a hug for her from this chump.

      • ClearWaters–Agree. It is better in the long run for Hannibal to just skedaddle into the sunset with his new GF/AP and her replacement family. He is as toxic a human being as I have ever encountered (and my childhood was no picnic). There are not many happy endings when cheaters remain in the picture with children, I suspect.

    • I completely agree that his abandonment is horrific.

      I also can’t help but feel like, if he doesn’t give a shit anyway, then it’s best that he goes, early and permanently. Painful, yes, but less painful than years of emotional torture. (In your case, Hannibal has dished out years of emotional torture already, of course. I guess I just mean that I could see how it might ultimately be a relief to not have to have to engage that narc anymore, even though I know it will always be a source of grief for his children to lose the dream they must have held of a father who cares.)

    • I feel your pain Mighty Tempest. I had a similar heartbreak yesterday when Satan’s ugly brother no-showed on our yougest’s big show. He even told her he’d be there but then posted pics of golfing in the desert instead. They really do suck! It wasn’t us as they blamed. Hugs to you and happy “giving birth” day! ?‍❤️‍?‍??‍❤️‍?‍??‍❤️‍?‍?

    • Happy belated birthday, Tempest’s daughter! I want you to know you have a wonderful Mom. With such strong, supportive and sane Mom you are equipped with tools to spot narcs that will inevitably cross paths with you in various life sectors. They are plenty and they walk around desguised as normal people. You’ve had a bad experience and a tough life lesson to learn a little too early. As did my son and many other children here. But you now have the great tools and insight that many other kids don’t have. Always talk to your Mom. She is great. She helped and still helps so many here. As you navigate your teens into the adulthood I wish you the ability to spot the narcs as early as possible, the vision to “see” through empty sparkles, and strength to discard them from your life and never look back.
      Hugs.

    • What a jerk. I’m dealing with this as well. My son is six and has non-verbal autism. Ole Poop Boy’s girlfriend doesn’t like my son, so he doesn’t visit with his father. Poop boy is raising two children he’s known for all of 6 months, but he can’t be bothered to raise his own son. He texted me to fight about money because I refused to split the tax return (of 460 measly dollars) after he overdrafted our old joint account. I had intended to close it, but he did that before I could do it. I had to pay 220 dollars to close the account. I told him I wasn’t going to pay for it and I meant it. I work for 9 dollars an hour at wal-mart. No way I was eating that bill.

      He’s so willing to fight for a few dollars, but he can’t be bothered to see his kid. He’s straight up trash. ???

      • Easy to see his priorities. Hard to relate to abandoning one’s child because Schmoopie doesn’t like him/her.

      • Oh my God, DemHoez!!!! Same here!!! The Evil One sees DD every other weekend and wants a medal for it.

        ((((Hugs)))))

    • Thanks everyone; will pass on the birthday wishes to my daughter. Her response was “Why would I ever want to hear from him again?” but…she then behaved so badly the rest of the day that I am still dealing with the fallout. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that being abandoned by her father, a second (third? fourth? hundredth?) time was correlated with her weekend drama.

      I’m sorry for all of you whose children are suffering from the discard (though I agree in many cases it is a blessing). The only good news is that I have been reading a lot on resilience among children, and it is true that it does take just one sane, solid parent in their camp. Will try to compile more details to post by the end of the week. We could all use some buoying up on this issue.

      • (((Hugs))) and Happy Birthday to Your Lovely Daughter Tempest. Sixteen is a milestone birthday and how “mature” and “parental” of Hannibal to not recognize his “responsibility” to parent no matter what else is going on and acknowledge her birthday on some level. He will continue to see himself as the victim in the whole scenario and there’s not much either you or your lovely daughter can do to change that. Most of these freaks are the “come closer so I can slap you” types anyhow. Because most of what they do comes with a self-centered agenda, for every one good thing they do, there’s 3 or 4 “you owe me” or disappointments that follow.

        Every child wants to be loved and accepted unconditionally by their parents, but for better or for worse, most of these cheaters are not capable of anything resembling being a real parent or loving caregiver.

        A therapist from long ago once told me that I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone, including family members and that parents end up needing their children more than children end up needing their parents. In most cases, where good parenting occurs, the relationship ends up being reciprocal, as most good relationships do. Down the road, this will all turn out better for your daughter than for Hannibal. You will have provided the stable and unquestioning security of your love and acceptance and she will thrive and grow strong in that soil. Meanwhile, life will probably find Hannibal in a nursing home with attendants who abuse him wondering why no one cares or visits.

      • My X picks up our 16 year old daughter once a week for about an hour for supper. She hates going. She told me that the first dinner date they had after the divorce in December 2016 he tried talking to her about his new girlfriend & how wonderful she was & how they needed to meet, blah the fucking blah…my daughter shot him down. She told him that she didn’t want to meet her & if he ever got the idea that it would be ok to bring his new girlfriend along for dinner, then to just not bother coming. She & I have both gotten word from people about how wonderful his new girlfriend is…apparently she’s the town whore of the little community she lives in & has been incarcerated for embezzlement, or so we’ve been told. To quote my daughter, “He’s digging at the bottom of the barrel, Mom.”

        • Brandi

          How disgusting and embarrassing it is for your daughter.

          As time went on the Limited started to include the whore in plans with my adult children and they figure it’s a few hours a year. I’m not privy to the ‘event’ nor do I care. All I know is that it’s painful for them to see where his actions led him. Pretty much they are disgusted.

          Tempest, I’m sorry he chooses to act like a disgruntled manchild towards your daughter. Abandoning children? No way I thought.. Teens aren’t easy. They are critical and call it like they see it.

          When my 16 year old granddaughter was in therapy the Limited who abandoned her for two years stated simply, “I miss you. I don’t know what happened.” I guess he was in a coma when he refused to pick her up after school and wanted to fit her into the whore schedule smack in the middle of a Saturday. And afterwards she said, “I could give a fuck about seeing him.” They know the truth.

          Happy Bitthday wishes to your daughter.

      • Condolences, Tempest, to you and your daughter. As if being sixteen isn’t, all by itself, a difficult enough time in a young woman’s life. Trying to figure out the whole boy-girl thing, and here’s her dad, supposedly a role model of proper male behavior, behaving like the self-centered man-child narc that he is. I’m really sorry. 🙁

      • If theyre not the hero they have to b play the victim. My deranged narc left the day after my DD 16th birthday so every year she will have that shadow of WTF dad left on all her birthdays . Thanks dad . OW was calling and you’ll all get over it already. ….

      • “The only good news is that I have been reading a lot on resilience among children, and it is true that it does take just one sane, solid parent in their camp”

        I’m counting on this…

      • So sorry, Tempest. Most of us here don’t hear the other possibility, which is also bad. When the cheater takes the kid to go to “their new family” and the child abandons the chump parent. I believe we have some examples here.

        Manipulating kids sucks loudly, either way it goes.

    • I’m so sorry Tempest 🙁

      No doubt there’ll come a time when Hannibal will be blustering and stuttering over this – something along the lines of ‘I didn’t know what to do for the best’ and ‘it was your mum’s fault, anyway’!

      This is one of those moments when I ask myself ‘What would Judge Judy say’? – well, I know for sure she’d call him a deadbeat dad and for sure she’d tell him ‘HE is supposed to be the grown up here’. No shitty excuses for emotionally battering sixteen year olds allowed in her court!

      I hope you and DD managed to have a lovely birthday – regardless of the heartless, pettiness of the sperm donor.

      Love to you both xxx

      • Ahhh … I posted before I read your update – sorry you both didn’t manage to have a good day … I’m sure Hannibal’s neglect was a leading factor. Poor girl. Poor you! Screw him!

    • {{{Hugs}}}

      If there is karma bus, I hope she is driving it when he needs a nursing home.

    • Tempest,
      That sucks for your daughter. But it sucked for your daughter when who he really is all came out. I have to wonder which is worse, having the father just give up and walk away or show up randomly with his manipulating tactics geared toward the children now that we have cut them off?

      You always hear that kids fare better still maintaining a relationship with their wayward parent but at what point does that stop being true?

      • GetMeFree–I’m no longer convinced that the standard line–that kids are better maintaining a relationship with the cheater parent–is true. Doing some digging through the research archives this week….

        • According to Dr. Louise Hart – author of The Bullying Antidote:

          “Pro-social tools and skills are based on Positive Parenting Rule #2, Do No Harm. Positive outcomes result from using caring and respect, values and a moral compass. Positive social skills strive for win-win resolutions for everyone’s benefit.

          It is the job of parents, caregivers, teachers and adult friends to teach youngsters respect and other pro-social behaviors. Day-to-day positive interactions between parent and child shape a child’s brain positively. It is the responsibility of parents, caregivers, teachers and adult friends to evolve from their own negative patterns of the past and develop and re-create positive habits.”

          Cheating (and all of the associated behaviours) do not model pro-social behaviours. In fact, they model anti-social behaviours. Where’s the benefit to children in that?

          • Ahhh…and ^THIS is the shit sandwich we must continue to eat.

            How bad does it suck to try and raise your kids with morals and knowing right from wrong when the other parent (whom you legally have to “encourage” your kids to have a relationship with) has no moral compass?

            Sucks every way you look at it.

        • Tempest-hugs to your daughter, for her birthday and for the crappy treatment from her father. Kids don’t deserve any of this. Your daughter sounds like she’s got him figured out. I’d be interested to read what you dig up on effects of maintaining a relationship with cheater parents.

    • Oh, Tempest, that is awful!!!!!

      What a detestable pig, Hannibal is!!!

      The Evil One continues to ignore our DD except for every other weekend, replacing Mrs. Dumb-Ass’s kids with his own. DD isnt even allowed to bring along any of her own toys, blanket, etc. of any kind to his house for her visits becaise “it causes too many problems with her kids”. Her being Autistic and needs those things to soothe her anxiety (“Anxiety?!?! What anxiety?!?!?!” TEO asks)…

      This last time we pulled up to the gas station to meet him, she looked up at his truck and said, “Oh no, not again!”

      ?

        • I know, Tempest, it truly sucks!!!
          Last weekend was the biggest Mardi Gras weekend of the year, TEO had DD, but tried to return her early, heres the exchange:

          TEO: I need to bring DD back now (11:30AM)
          ME: why?
          TEO: out-of-state emergency
          ME: I’m already downtown, traffic is horrible

          Now, before i could even send a second message to him to meet up so he could drop DD off with me downtown so he could get on with his “emergency”, he sends this:

          You know what, fuck you too? See you at 6.

          At 6, I had a couple go with me to get DD, and he was just sneering at me, wouldnt speak, thrust DD’s stuff at me and tore out of the parking lot.

          So, I call TEO’s aunt— TEO cut ties with her when she stayed in contact with me when TEO left, but aunt still talks to my former in laws. I asked aunt if everything was OK, told what TEO said/did… I guess she called former in laws to check, who then must have called TEO, who then sent this text to me:

          You have no right whatsoever to contact any of my family members at all. My business is my business.

          UGH, what an asshole.

    • What assholes! I’m so sorry and I can’t imagine how these fuckwits discard or use and torment their own kids in these ways! it hurts my heart for them ?

  • I think the real her is the emotional child who can even view another man’s death in terms of how it would affect her. After all, if we all loved her as much as she loves herself, we’d gladly be willing to suffer for her whims and attempts at happiness fantasies. We should sacrifice ourselves- after all didn’t she sacrifice by remaining in the marriage?

    • Yes Ben that’s exactly what she thinks. She sacrificed for you and the family; she chose you! You and the children should be grateful….ask me how I know?

      Later, when you assert your boundaries, e.g. no contact unless it’s about the kids, she will tell you that she’s sorry you hate her for she doesn’t hate you. She, in fact, has forgiven you for not telling her you’re sorry.

      They don’t understand boundaries. They don’t understand why you would ever want to deprive yourself of the abject wonderfullness that is them! Hence you must hate her.

      Run to an attorney Ben! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00. They’re all the same.

      • Yes all the time mine makes sure to hijack text convos about the kids with “you may not believe it but I still care about you” I just translate that to “i still care about manipulating you” and it makes sense.

    • All right, here’s “her side:” Stoopid Stepped Up and Hijacled My Hoo-Ha. “Stoopid” is one of my alter egos that rains funfetti allll ovah my ovaries and makes them break out in another exotic vaginal vacation prance instead of home based staycation dance. I lost myself but don’t have the decency to do the Malaysia airliner dive-n-dunk in anything except oceans of foreign fluids. Imma world traveler when it comes to sampling various bodily fluids from ohhh…your father, your best friend, the neighborhood sex offender-you’ll be please to know I’m a very special kind of wife-stitute: No charge! For science! A medical mystery! The research on meeeee and my Fallovereverycock-itis. Now let me serenade you with my high school audition for Maria in “West Side Story:” “Therrrreeessss a plaaaccse for usssss…”

      Ben, please. She is not an emotional child: Even children have a conscience. Kids cry real tears when their turtle croaks from sudden turtle death syndrome. C’mon. Professional Wife-stitutes set up their ambushes by ensuring the blast radius faces outward before they connect the battery so when unsuspecting you hits the trip wire, it’s all your fault don’tchasee? And hey, some other guy is Dependent on her for his Very Life(tm) so she’s “got his whole dick in my hands, I got his whole dick in my mouth, I got his whole dick in my cooch, I got his whole life in my hands.”
      I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth about anything especially her providing stand-by CPR for her AP. She has all the credibility of a career criminal and the greasiness of a deep fryer.

      This ho ain’t even sharp enough to turn pointy-head down to weed a garden.

      Sorry Ben. If you wanna use the whole “emotional child” thing, ya still got a catch and release.

      • ““Stoopid” is one of my alter egos that rains funfetti allll ovah my ovaries and makes them break out in another exotic vaginal vacation prance instead of home based staycation dance….”

        Sheer brilliance, TundraWoman!

        • I’m going to have a hernia ? by the time I’m done reading these posts….snort n squeak is all that’s coming out now. I dare not take even a sip of water until I make it to the last post

      • OMG! The whoremat has been afflicted with incurable Fallovereverycockitis ??? When STBX was “so torn” and trying to figure out his happiness the whoremat was making HIM pick me dance too by threatening to sleep with either HER STBX or the two sometimes fuckbuddies that wanted to move into the whore house after they found out she lost my STBX’s bastard love child. Really?! “Great. You just miscarried NOT your husband’s baby with some OTHER fuckbuddy idiot. So now I want to get in there next.” Like her snatch has one of those take a number for service red plastic dispensers attached to it.

  • Me and cheater (in 3 parts)

    Part 1: 10 years ago, 2 years after marriage and no cildren.
    Cheater: I am not sure if I made the right choice by marrying. I can see I am not made for a family. I don’t want kids while you do. You are a wonderful person so maybe we should divorce? I am not sure….we don’t understand each other. I feel you want to control me. I like freedom.
    Me (crying): I don’t understand. If you say you don’t have OW why can’t we work on our relationship? Let me know how I can improve. I love you. We can make it.

    Part 2: 4 years ago. Plus a 5 year old son and lots of gaslighting and gut screaming.
    Cheater: I analyzed my relationship with my mom. I realized she always had her own agenda for her own happiness. I did not matter. I now fired her from her role of my mother and I am at peace with that. I then analysed our relationship. There is no love. We are like neighbours. You will make someone a wonderful wife. Let’s divorce? I am not sure myself. No, of course I don’t have anybody. But I had great chemistry with my colleague. Nothing happened of course because she wanted a family and I am not really a family guy. But great chemistry! We never had anything like this with you. I also want you to know that I am looking for love. And I want to be authentic with all my relationships going forward. Mother, you, son, friends, colleagues. Authenticity is my word. So if I find true love or chemistry I will choose that over what we have.
    Me (crying, still in denial): please! PLEASE! We have our son. We are a great couple! We always hear comments on what a great match we are. Let’s not hurt each other. If you have an OW I will grant you a divorce. But if you don’t please let’s work it out. Let me know where I can improve.

    Then a series of ddays and 4 years later. 12 years of marriage. 9 year old son. Everybody knows everything. Discussing divorce before I file. And most importantly, after I discovered CL!

    Part 3 – yesterday.
    Cheater: Son told me you said I could come over sometimes and spend time with him? Surely you wouldn’t say this.
    Me: I did. I am not standing between you two. You have a unique opportunity to build a relationship with your son without my PR job from which I was fired (thank you CN for this!)
    Cheater: I fired you? I never did! You fired yourself!
    Me: Yes, you did. First time before I got pregnant 10 years ago. You wanted a divorce. I did not listen to you. Then 4 years ago again. I was stupid and stubborn back then too. Now I am doing exactly as you wanted. You fired me long time ago. I am just dealing with bureacracy and paperwork now.
    Cheater: I never wanted a divorce (I wanted cake). All I said was that there were problems (won’t you pick up dancing again?) I said we did not understand each other (and you were so wonderful every time after such conversations taking the responsibility for everything and concentrating on fixing things and walking on eggshells around me and leaving me eat my cake. Why can’t you just continue???!!)
    Me: Yes. I agree. There were problems. And we couldn’t understand each other. And still can’t. So say thank you that I yet again take the responsibility for freeing you of this horrible family burden. We’re discussing the separation terms on saturday. Bye.

    CL and CN! You rock!!! Thank you!!

  • What is so disgusting about this self-serving, ever the martyr, letter is her feelings towards her affair partner. This cheating bitch still puts her affair partner on a pedestal! She really sees nothing wrong with her actions as long as she is going through the fake motions of being a “loving mother and wife”. She’s really doing her family no favors by “being present” because she isn’t really invested in her marriage or family at all! I used to get this from Mr Sparkles all the time when he would boomerang back to me during his affair, “I’m here aren’t I?”
    As if taking up space, like a placeholder was good enough! Really? Never truly engaged in anything that was going on under our roof. He was, however, still monitoring what was happening in Schmoopie’s life! So after observing his actions rather than his words I released him, via divorce, to go be with the all important whore! Ben needs to get a kickass lawyer and move her ass to the fuck buddies love nest ASAP! There is nothing to work with and it’s time to let this Ho live her fantasy!

    • You are so correct. I hope Ben reads every comment.

      I was offered and explained the same set of shit. Why would you settle for shitty crumbs? They aren’t even choice crumbs, plus why the fuck would you deserve less than anything in its entirety?

      The clincher came for me 2weeks after DDAY when asshat was supposed to be NC with the aged prolapse. Alas! I found out asshat was indeed still in contact with the mow AFTER he basically threw the Plan B sad sausage agenda at me. His reasoning,this is verbatim, …” I was so worried about her and how she was taking our break up. I wanted to help her through her pain…”. That precisely summed up the hierarchy of where I and my kids stood with this asshat. We didn’t even register. Our pain meant NOTHING, but heck…the MOW and asshat “decided to do the RIGHT THING..”

      Your abuser has chipped away and lowered the bar so low that it’s become subterranean. Don’t settle. Let her Live!Laugh!Love! in her own fantasy bubble. Put your kids’ welfare first because no matter how shitty and selfish these people are, your kids will keep looking to her for unconditional love…..like a real parent. She’s not a real parent.. No spackle for your X. She’s no longer your issue. Be the stable parent. This sucks. Sorry.

  • Two things happened while she had “lost her senses” in the glorious, unadulterated “F*ck-buddy Fog”:

    1- She got caught, and
    2- She got dumped.

    Cue up the chump to forgive and forget until someone else comes along and she “loses” herself again, again, and again…

    • ^^^^^^ THIS

      All I thought duration no this sad sausage letter was that she got dumped and was scrambling to go back to what really wasn’t so bad. Without the hubby, she has no soft cushion to land.

      Divorce is hard. Divorce is expensive.

      Finding another partner is not easy as she found out.

      • Bingo! Cheaters like the path of least resistance AND a lot of them are stingy when it comes to money — just like to spend it on themselves. It’s all about their entitlement.

        If Chump is done giving chances and insists on divorce — watch out! Don’t ever think it will be simple and straight-forward, especially if Cheater doesn’t have a solid Plan B in place! Most are too mentally disordered and emotionally stunted to cope well on their own. (They rather have their cake and eat it too!) And in Cheater’s mind, the downfall of the marriage (and the cheating itself) is ultimately the Chump’s fault. Therefore Chump deserves nothing. Any Cheater claims of being sorry and wanting to work on the marriage quickly evaporate and the kid gloves come off.

  • It always, ALWAYS boils down to the same root conversation. Want polyamory? You have ONE acceptable, reasonable option for having multiple partners, sexual or otherwise: tell the truth and partner with people who accept that truth.

    All other choices require deception to secure a situation where you can engage with multiple partners. People who deceive are people who find it acceptable to harm others (and, generally, his/her self, too).

    Even if that person doesn’t harm you this specific way again, it is enormously likely that the person WILL harm you again. It is in the person’s base nature.

    In some cases, if true empathy exists in a person, his/her base nature can flex enough to accommodate a whole new set of behaviors and choices that are healthy. That only happens as a result years -YEARS – of targeted, painful, relentless rebuilding work with high-quality professional help, which might include medication. Nobody does that work “for” anyone else. If it not entirely intrinsically motivated, it fails.

    And, even if it works, between now and then, the person will fail many times, and those closest to him/her will be the victims of that failure.

    Leaving a deceptive person is NOT abandoning the person. Would you willingly drink toxic poison if it was diluted? Of course not. Accompanying a person on a journey like that is like knowingly drinking diluted toxic poison. It will still kill you, just more slowly. Leaving the toxic person is a choice to put the poison down and live.

  • “Now I’ve chosen … ” and “This is my choice.”

    Nope. Not her choice. Ben gets a say. Does he choose to stay with a woman who openly states he no longer has her heart and obviously has not had it for a long time? I sincerely hope not. This woman is only capable of feeling deep love for herself and herself alone. Even mention of her children is only in passing and lacks any hint of emotion. I suppose there is some very small comfort for Ben in knowing she didn’t feel any true love for the AP either. Oh … she’s concerned about AP’s depression? Hell no, she just wants Ben to know how high he needs to jump in the pick-me dance. AP is so distraught about losing her he is offering to kill himself. So what can you promise, Ben, to top that obvious display of “devotion” (also known as mental disorder needed serious medical attention)? I think having her served will express your counter offer nicely. So sorry you find yourself married to such an empty shell of a woman. Ugh.

      • I dunno…this one wouldn’t even qualify for a “Have A Heart” trap.
        There’s just this cold, black empty place where her her heart should have been-if she had one.

        • Its hard to have sympathy for her. You want to think people are better than that or they can be reformed – but we know thats all bullshit.

          Ben – you deserve better. We all do

    • Agreed. I figured I can’t be the only one who noticed the bottom line message here: “You don’t make me happy, and I’m not happy WITH you, but I’m going to stay anyway because [word salad, Jesus crap, etc.]”

      She’s not happy being a part of your family, Ben? Well, y’know, there’s a way to fix that. Boot her out so she can go find her own happiness elsewhere. What I would insist on hearing and feeling (through actions, not words) would be a genuine remorse at what a wonderful life this woman has realized she has as part of Ben’s family, and how lucky she is to have found him and to be his wife. — Not this, “I’m sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the family” bullshit. — Oh, really? Well, don’t sacrifice on my account! There’s the door.

  • Over and Out, agree, she also got dumped (for the time being until they can’t deny thier “feelings” for each other!) She just is taking advantage of Ben’s emotions right now. I’m certain he would have also preferred his family had not been blown up, but you notice there is no mention in this pathetic martyrdom letter of any of the families feelings because, clearly, it’s all about HER! She’s just so wrapped up in her own ego it is vomit worthy! She needs to feel the consequences of her immoral behavior and Ben needs to set some concrete boundaries! Self centered narcs rarely contribute anything but misery to thier children so do it for the children if nothing else! This sub human is an empty dark hole that will always require more than she is willing to ever give!

  • She is making the choice between her happiness or staying with her family?
    What a martyr. So noble of her. Run Ben.
    You can be noble too. Give her the happiness she wants.

    • Absolutely my reaction, as well. And how often is she going to use this “sacrifice” to club her family with in the future? “Well, I didn’t want to stay. I’m not happy,” blah blah blah. You deserve better, Ben.

  • I’ve gone through something similar to this recently. The OW emailed me an “apology”. Without going into details, what she basically apologized for was BAD MANNERS which occurred during a few exchanges between us… oh, and being so deceived. She went on and on to illustrate her pain and the deception from Mr. Sparkles, and would pepper a little remorse here and there to even up the mix. My friends thought she was showing remorse – but I’m going to call BULLSHIT on that one. She was in the midst of a pity party (and probably would be a newbie here if I had told her about the site) and wanted absolution.

    Talk to God if you need forgiveness. Leave us faithful, loving marriage partners the fuck alone… just sayin’.

  • I swear, CL…. You are hiding in my closet.
    The other day, as I was trying to have one of many, unproductive conversations (that always revert to deflection and blame shifting), via text messaging, I asked why cheater even returned. (he was dumped, no doubt). He won’t answer my questions, and doesn’t seem to have remorse for his infidelity. I suggested that he mourns their relationship. He responded with the pathetic and all too over used “I came home because it was the right thing to do”. Funny. The right thing to do didn’t seem to matter when it came to leaving his pregnant wife and toddler so he could put his penis in a diseased vagina. The right thing to do wasn’t at the forefront of his thinking when he lied about leaving us (time to think about our marriage) promising me he didn’t put his penis is diseased vagina, only to give me said disease.
    The right there ng to do wasn’t at all important as the OBGYN and his team of nurses, and me waited in the OR for a C-section while he was on the phone excitedly telling his slag that he was about to become a father again. (He told me it was a work related call… Yeah. Right).
    But now. Coming home to his family after all the deceit and pain he’s caused, is the “right thing to do”. Whatever. I have to gray rock this POS until I can get divorce started. He doesn’t understand why I want a divorce. And I’m an asshole for not wanting to “work on the family”. I just tell him it’s the “right thing to do”.

    • How is it that they make “the right thing to do” seem so much like punishment? Like detention after school when you get caught shitting in the custodian’s mop bucket? — I would never want anyone who thinks he HAS to come back to me because of anything other than undying love for me. But I guess that’s already been demostrated not to have been true with all of these bastards.

    • TChump and Mighty Chumpnationers,

      Run at first incident of infidelity! Trust your gut and don’t listen to their worthless words “after the fuck(s)”. They have shown you who they are, believe them.

      This post hit a vein with me today. I don’t write very often as I’m trying to heal from 9 surgeries over the past 13 months (cancer discovered 4 days after final DD and my kicking cheater out) and get through next round of treatments.

      Hopefully sharing my story will help you fence sitters, “but we’re different” or “just one more chance”. Run! Lawyer up, go NC and save yourself!

      My XH (divorce just finalized after 13 months of absolute hell due to his fighting even the most minute issues, lying, my having to prove him wrong at great expense and his overall assholeness). This while going through cancer surgeries and treatments. He couldn’t believe I filed and threatened me with, “I wouldn’t get a penny” and “my health insurance would be cut off”. I went NC and let my lawyer remind him of state law regarding long term marriages and health care. Crickets from his camp :-). Truth and law is amazingly effective!

      This from a Boy Scout Eagle Scout (trustworthy, reverent, loyal, kind, honest…Gag me now with a spoon) polished charming, life of the party, tall, dark and handsome “polished” turd. Now I think he looks ugly and old from the evil rotting him from the inside out.

      Over 35 years I “sucked it up”, apologized (even when I’d done nothing wrong) and tried harder for the good of the marriage and family. I was the good “don’t rock the boat” and “keep quiet, image protecting” girl. I met him when I was 17. My entire adult life was spent with him until DD.

      1. His first affair was in our first year of marriage when our son was beautiful newborn, with my best friend from high school that involved multiple “secret afternoon fuckfests” while I was at work as a young Mom and wife. You know it’s so fun to have secret sex and pull one over on the wifey…

      Did I leave after finding out about it in year 10 of marriage? Noooooooo!

      He was soooooooo….sad sausage sorry and it would never happen again. He would “make it up to me” and pray daily for God’s and my forgiveness (he should have won a best actor Grammy award for his performance).

      MC and I sucked it up, repressed my instinct and pain. I was a sexy, beautiful, confident 20 year old young woman. We had sex near every day. Absolutely no reason to cheat by honest, committed to vows people.

      2. Year 17, after years of him flirting with other women in front of me, only having female acquaintances, no guy friends, discovery of on-line dating profile, catching him coming home in middle of night (while I was asleep he would sneak out to go clubbing because, “you know I love music and you were sleeping and I deserve to have fun) drunk, sweaty and wearing no underwear (“I took them off and threw them away I was hot from dancing”. “God, why are you such a nag”? “I’m exhausted, I’m going to sleep”. Finally, a call from ho worker letting me know she had been having sex with my husband for two months.

      Tears, flowers, fake remorse, all he wants is our marriage, family, me…He admits he has a sexual addiction, is too nice of a guy (has to please women) and will go to therapy. During therapy his admittance of how many woman he had sex with was startling. He had just moved us 1,800 miles into new city where I didn’t know anyone.

      Two years of IC, group therapy (him) for sexual addiction and Nice Guy Syndrome (flowery psycho words for narcpath) and couples counseling. TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!

      He put in the believable twice weekly effort. I believed him, believed I could save us; we were different. I spackled, served and protected…nice little chump! I did assert myself in MC by saying I was proud of him for conquering his inner demons/addictions but if cheating, lying and affairs returned I would be done.

      Did I leave? Noooooooooo…

      3. Year 34, 3 grandchildren, working full time as we never seemed to have enough money and not feeling well…

      He had learned to hide his “returned with a vengeance” addictions/affairs unbelievably well.

      Final discovery day January 2016: years of paid prostitutes, back page hook ups, massage parlor happy endings and multiple affairs with young masseuses using 6 different “Infidelity”
      investment accounts to hide and move money around (statements sent to his office so I never saw them). Retirement funds drained and home sale proceeds spent. Who does this? Disordered people you can’t fix!

      Did I leave? Hell no! Why should I leave? I instead kicked his sorry, sad, diseased ass out and told him his most recent masseuse could have him, I was finally done!

      4 days later…discovery of highly aggressive cancer with possible mastication to lungs sent cheater into a tailspin. He swore he’d broken it off with affair partner and he’d be there for me, “it’s the right thing to do”.

      I told him no!!!! I lawyered up! Filed for divorce and started legal discovery process to track money trail of numerous accounts. I underwent, 9 surgeries, multiple rounds of chemotherapy and immunotherapy while making divorce process happen. He couldn’t be bothered as he moved in with married AP and was hellbent on destroying me.

      I told all family, friends, neighbors of his true unmasked character. People were shocked but stood by me. I cannot express my gratitude to the family and friends that waited for me during surgeries and treatments, brought or cooked me meals, handed me tissues, listened and sat with me. Very few Switzerlands.

      If by sharing my story, I can help one chump get out before getting STDs or cancer, losing their life savings, losing home and worst of all losing your beautiful self to a lying cheater, I’m glad I did. I now know my worth and will never again allow another human to treat me poorly.

      The new chapters of my life are being written…

      While I still have cancer (start another round of treatments on Wednesday) I am liar and cheater free and grateful to be alive. I’m feeling mighty with the continued strength of CN behind me. The future looks bright indeed! I should have left year 10 after first affair discovery. Don’t suck it up, repress, spackle…walk through your fears as they NEVER change. I tried everything believe me!

      Cheater…well his young massage parlor whore has him trying to get her pregnant with truwuv baby. She’s 35 and he’s soon 55 with 3 grandchildren. He has to pay me half his income until retirement (which for him won’t be anytime soon with new family to support on half income). Our friends (most were friends/friendships I formed) will have nothing to do with him and cherish the opportunity to run into “them” to give them a piece of their mind.

      When someone shows you who they are, believe them! Don’t wait until you have cancer to choose yourself and say enough.

      Thank you for being there for me the past 13 months CL and CN.

      • FreeNow — you are crazy MIGHTY! Sending you good vibes for that treatment on Wednesday. Kick cancer’s ass just like you kicked the cheater’s. Life is too short to be devalued. I’m glad you’re FREE.

        • FreeNow, BRAVO! I wholely agree! I also got my diagnosis of lung cancer during our divorce, but my cheater decided to have my adult children (who have families and jobs hundreds of miles away) deal with my health issues and surgeries! What a Prince! I too still have cancer, but life is better without the cheater! And yes, at the first admission from them of infidelity you should kick thier ass out and hire a lawyer who will burn thier ass! Let the OW/OM have that pathetic MFer! They want them sooo bad so let them put up with the liar, cheater. How I so wish I hadn’t wasted the few months I was healthy before I filed, one of my regrets I suppose. But Karma bus has kept regular service on him and he ended up with pancreatic cancer and Schmoopie kicked his sick ass out! Fantasy Fail! So much for her loyalty and her so-called undying love, Snort! I pray your treatments are successful and you beat this horrific cancer! Your advice is sound and on target!

      • You are amazingly, unbelievably MIGHTY!!! Sending you mighty ((((((healing hugs)))) and will pray for your healing!!!

        Kick ass!!!

      • FreeNow. Thank you for your post. I am inspired by your mightiness! I wish you all the best in your fight against cancer. For what’s it worth, you have already looked fear in the eyes and won by leaving your cheater. So yay for you!!!

      • Damn, this is hell of a story, FreeNow. What a role model of mighty! Kicking ass and taking names. Congratulation on finding your steely resolve and throwing that mother fucker out. YEE HAW!

        • Yee Fricking Haw! I’m saddled up and riding tall. My boots have spurs too for ass and cancer kicking.

          • Good for you. Cancer is nothing much after dealing with a Shithead every day for years. You can kill cancer and no one will arrest you, ever. If cancer ruins your day, friends and family are happy to cheer you up. And while no one ever says “because you have a Shithead at home, I’d like to bring you a meal,” they will do that to help out during cancer treatment. They will pray for you and go with you for treatment too.

      • You are awesome! You will be cancer free because you have kicked the main cancer is out of your life.

        • Thank you CL and CN for your kind and supportive words. I do believe I will kick cancer. My oncologist did tell me my last pathology report showed low grade instead of high grade for the first time since my 1/16 diagnosis.

          So, kicking a cheater out does indeed help fight cancer ?. Feeling stronger each day!

          P.S. A great therapist, neuro feedback, volumes of helpful books on narcissists/sociopaths, co dependency, leaving a cheater (thank you CL – I’ve read it 3x) etc., in addition to family, friends, neighbors and community (CN included) have helped my healing and deserve due credit.

      • Freenow you are mighty MIGHTY and you will kick cancer’s ass out the door right behind that douche cheater. You rock! Thank you for sharing your story – my thoughts and prayers are with you. I believe you will finally heal in many ways and I can only believe any kind of medical treatment is going to work and work better now! ?

      • FreeNow, you are inspiration!

        Staying with a cheater is really like a slow death sentence — it kills our soul and might even be worse than cancer. Glad you kicked him out and give that love and energy back to you for your own well being. May you have a successful treatment today.

  • When I first read the title of today’s blog, I thought it was referring to my initial reaction when I discovered my husband was cheating. I was so shattered and upset, that I said things (especially to X’s family and our mutual friends) that I would never do now that I am of “sound” mind. I really was out of control and I can truthfully say, I wasn’t myself. I was a whirling person in severe pain. Now, with the distance that time, counselling and NC have brought, I am myself again.

    My XH was always being himself. I had spackled for 33 years and now as I remember things he said and did, he was always lying, cheating and only out for himself. I ignored and denied everything. Eventually, I couldn’t ignore any more and my calm, peaceful life was shattered. I went crazy for awhile. Now, I am again calm, peaceful and for the most part happy – with this very bad person out of my life. He still has contact with one of our sons and he continues with his lying ways. He will never get it. Trust now that they all suck.

    • That’s my only personal regret, that I said horrible–albeit truthful–things. In retrospect, I wish I’d have just shrugged and said, “Well? I guess this is good bye. Good riddance, good day.” Then gotten on with the suffering and eventual happiness, out of sight and earshot of him and her. But I forgive myself, because I actually have a heart and a conscience.

      • Stephanie you have nothing to feel horrible about – you weren’t given a class or a memo or pointers on how to deal with this. When it happens, you go out of your mind. No One can understand unless they’ve been there. So don’t feel bad. Feel great, you have a heart and a conscience.

  • The real her…. Doesn’t do anything? Like stop the not real her?

    The real her… Passes blame by discussing how much she’s giving up to ‘stay’. (Oh the martyrdom)

    The real her… Doesn’t talk about how she was wrong to do what she did?

  • Happiness? To these fuckwits happiness is all the support and stability of a family AND someone on the side to bang after you’ve shaved their back or zipped their dress or told them what jeans their assigned looks good in.
    They are so broken. You know how I know? Because I tried to become them out of survival through this bullshit. You can’t do it. A sane person cannot do it. Trust me, being so broken is harder and takes more work than you would think.

  • This is the type of breathlessly spoken word salad that I think a lot of us had to listen to. There seems to be something about these folks that they are drawn to all this melodramatic bullshit. They think of themselves as noble martyrs, and are so fucking clueless that it never dawns on them that the BS is not getting any prize when he or she stays with a cheater.
    So, she will throw her husband and kids some crumbs, the incredible blessing of deigning to remain with them- stiff upper lip, withstanding the emotional distress that few but the most noble and strong (like her) could tolerate.
    But, she has already demonstrated such strength and integrity throughout her life that she is up to the challenge. Meanwhile, her peasant of a husband, so incredibly less attractive and marketable than her ( not to mention less emotionally and spiritually evolved) , should count his blessings and kiss her feet forever for her having made this ultimate sacrifice.

    This shit reminds me so much of one scene from the movie “Mash” , where Frank Burns and Hot Lips are about to get it on and he says “God wants us to be together , Margaret.” Her response as she whips her robe open and mashes his face into her chest: ” His will be done.”
    Fucking cheaters, such drama kings/queens.

  • I’ve been lurking, reading blog entries for a while. This “wife” is so full of it. No God I know teaches that the wrongs we commit “aren’t the real us”; rather there has to be repentance because the wrongs are ours to own – we have to change. As a Christian chump, I thought it was God’s will for me to reconcile and to have the intact family for my daughter. I realize now that the family isn’t intact because people are under the same roof. When there is a heart issue, there is a divide. My ex-H wasn’t serious about marriage or commitment. There was no true intact family to save.

    • My daughter recently asked me why I stayed after I found out about his cheating the first time. I told her part of the reason was because I was trying to keep our family together and didn’t want the kids to be from a broken family. My daughter replied, “Our family isn’t broken. Dad just isn’t a part of it anymore.”

  • Poor little self-centered cheating wifey having to go back to her betrayed husband and children and wanting everyone to know how she’s making such sacrifices. Sorry I don’t feel like this is her choice to come back. This is up to the betrayed spouses, not the poor little self pitying cheaters, who thinks only of what they want and what makes them happy. They aren’t the ones making any sacrifices. They have the best of both worlds – a side dish and a spouse at home to take care of everything while they’re getting their “happy” on.

    I feel so sorry for the poor little cheating wife (not).

    • She’s not just a special star, she’s a special galaxy. Because just like a galaxy she’s sparkly AND has a GIANT blackhole in her center ??

      • Well, there’s a scary thought, because black holes don’t suck, but cheaters do (as we all know) so seeing her as a sucking black hole is just…um…just–worth a cartoon! Yeah, that’s it.

      • Shelby,
        Funny you should mention galaxies, ’cause I call my cheater Lord of the Galaxies. This really pisses him off because I should know that deep down he is a “nice” man that I “can trust”.

        His niceness is a Galaxy-given gift that I should be thankful for.

  • When I read this letter from this presumptuous ho, all I could think was, “Who the hell wants to live their life as your self-articulated booby prize?” Basically, what all that garbled, middle-school mumbo-jumbo is stating, broken down to its lowest common denominator is, “I can’t have what I really want that I believe will make me happy, so I’ll settle for being miserable with you because you’re here and available – and because children.” In the elegant words of Chump Lady, “What the fuckity-fuck.” Really? You’re her husband, the father of her children, the person she vowed to love and cherish above all others – not a token she received “just for playing.” Your response to this bullshit should be, “Thanks for your generous and demeaning offer, Bitch, but I’ll pass. Here, let me help you pack your shit.” And make sure Luther Vandross’s song, “It’s Over Now” is playing in the background.

    Ben, there is something, anything out there better than this crap offer rooted in the over-inflated value she’s placed on herself and the minimal value she has placed on you, your relationship and HER CHILDREN. If you need some extra garbage bags to put her shit in, I will be happy to send some to you via FedEx.

    • CP, I’ll be happy to donate the leftover Hefty bags from Dday with skankboy. The bags survived being tossed into the air and landing on the cement floor in the garage. I must say, I am impressed with the durability of said bags!

    • This really stuck out to me as well. I was really taken aback about how she just up and says that she is super bummed that she has to stay with her husband and raise her kids. Like I had more enthusiasm about having to buy a new tire for my car than she seems to have about staying with her husband. At least I know the car is safe now and my MPG is better now that I got rid of the tire with a slow leak, so there’s that.

      But man – that’s just rough. Her resignation that living up to the commitments she chose (marriage, kids) is like a prison sentence that must be endured, but she will soldier on because it just doesn’t matter. I hope her partner was able to say “Uhhhh, no. why would I agree to stay with you if you are telling me you are going to be fucking miserable the whole time. “

  • So the real her isn’t a cheater because cheating doesn’t make her happy…but she’s willing to sacrifice her source of happiness (cheating) for the sake of her family?

  • Ben, your life will be so much more free and fulfilling without this horrible excuse of a wife.You don’t need to waste your future on a woman who would so callously throw away her marriage and children. A burner phone?!! Fake accounts?! Your wife went to great lengths to sustain the affair and now she has decided to give up her “happiness” aka the OM to be with you and the kids?!! Spare me bitch, you are not second prize Ben!! You deserve someone who can’t imagine life without you. Who will honor the commitment and vows to be in a monogamous, caring, and safe relationship. She is clearly trying to manipulate you so you won’t divorce her ass. How long do you think this will last? Take her promises of future faithfulness as what they really are- shallow, empty, words. The shallower the brook the more it babbles!! Your wife’s promises are just that- babbles! I am so sorry for your pain, but as most of us can attest the pain is finite- it will subside over time. Please take the UBT to heart and ChumpLady’s advise to RUN! Male or female- it doesn’t matter, all these cheaters are the same. They are master manipulators and will fill your head with lies and promises in order to keep the kibbles and cake flowing their way. Take back your life and file for divorce. You deserve better Ben!!! Leave a cheater and gain a life.

  • Oh to be the “winner” of that pick-me dance,

    “By the will of God, I gave up my happiness to be a family with you and the kids. Why aren’t you grateful? You should be happy that I chose to be miserable with you!”

    *face/desk, face/desk, face/desk*

  • CL you really should look into being a comedian! HILARIOUS!
    Sadly though, all true!
    Put on your powered skates Ben and let ‘er rip!!

  • Ben, I hope you get rid of this cheater. You’re settling by staying. You know that she just wants to be in the marriage for now, right? Once another “qualified” OM comes along, you’re history. I apologize for being so blunt but that’s exactly what she is telling you. Please hear exactly what she is saying, not what you want to hear.

  • Ben, if she will give up her happiness to be with you, that equals that she will be unhappy with you. Do you want to be with someone who is unhappy with you? You and she will come to hate each other. Don’t do it. Run. You know how she feels, let her be free. And you free of her.

  • The funniest thing the Ex said to me was ” can’t we stay as friends? Please ?” After DDay . Duh ? Why should I ? Even friends dun betray each other – was what I told him. Shows how totally crazy and disordered they are – so glad I got out of Zombieland fast !!! Yes there was an ocean of pain and tears but my mama always told me “dun cheat, Dun lie and dun steal” – why should i ever forgive a cheater , liar and thief? Oh , and never take what’s not yours . Ex was humping another man’s wife and she was obviously seducing him as a meal ticket .

  • Until now , I can never understand how someone can forgive a cheater and reconcile. Once the line is crossed , everything has changed . Forever. Irrevocably broken . there are absolutes in the world and there are deal breakers in a marriage and any relationship. Staying together after cheating would be a nightmare at worst and awkward at best . Just. Don’t. Let it go . Chumps deserve so much better .

  • I now look and see my ex. He is a nasty little man, obsessed by money. A cheat and a liar.
    Look at your wife and really see who she is, not who you would like her to be.

  • Queen of Snark!

    PS A message from Unicornnomore who sends love, but is taking a break from media for Lent!

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