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Best Sassy Chump Retorts?

Well chumps, I’ve devoted lot of blog pages to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. And as we all know, they say some really stupid shit.

You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?

The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?

She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?

You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.

And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.

Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the perfect withering zinger at exactly the perfect moment…

…And it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.

They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?

I realize speaking truth to stupid is un-meh, yet I’ve never regretted a good zinger. When I wrote my book, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.

“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:

“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”

So today tell me what Stupid Shit your cheater said — and your reply.

And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)

Get uppity, chumps!

I ran this contest before, but we always need more sassy back talk. Lay it on me!

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    • So my husband was on FB after I exposed him and the cheater he posted a flying monkey recruitment post. Which read “apparently the only thing I am good for is money and working”
      My public response was “you forgot lying, you’re good at that too….”

    • Good! It took me a few years to be that strong. Whenever I hear of a woman cheating, I think that her husband would have been better of with me. Not to mention the fact that she probably had a much better husband than I did and I did not cheat.

      • JAD – I was a fuck-you type. For some reason, I could never say fuck-off, which seemed a little personal in insult. A slight difference. And, I hope that made you feel good as it does me. (or did me)

        I’m just going to ask the forum, (sorry to highjack) once again – as it’s been brought up before….’whore’ seemed to be a very vial swear word and extremely insulting to the woman it’s usually thrown at. (usually well deserved in a forum like this)

        But, what can we call men cheaters that even compares in vulgarity? C Word? Nope. (that’s only reserved for women) Dick or John seems to have no impact…and Cheater is marginal. Guys – what would insult you the most….and I’ve noticed Monster seems very effective. Not sure I find picking on human anatomy, which is something nobody controls and it’s a cheap shot. I think the little weenie comments are a cut below normal for us folks. Size often means better sex….and, you know what I mean, ladies. Not heard any anatomy comments from the males about the ladies…?

        Wishing you all good things-

        • Mama’s boy or Little Boy should do the trick. Scum bag or dirt bag usually works as well. Tell him his brother was better. Guys don’t mind being called a whore so the equivalent wouldn’t work. You have to attack our fragile little egos. Shit I just violated guy code.

          • JAD – ok, big slobbery kiss to you! Thank You.

            “Tell him his brother was better –
            Shit I just violated guy code.”

            LOVE IT!

          • Yeah, that tops my list.
            I called my cheater husband Mr. Small
            Not far from the truth…how the OW handles it is another story – did I say she is a pro?

          • “Creep” is good, it implies an unskilled sex-seeker, can’t get a lover with his good heart and skills, must resort to trickery, violence, or perversion. Good insult. Is it kind of like dirty old bastard?

    • To my narcissistic ex:
      ” you think women want to fuck you cos ur great, ur just the best odds for an easy lay. You’re the sure bet. That’s all. “

  • Love this topic ☺
    In a mediation session, things were getting a bit heated as I was learning to stick up for myself finally. The counsellor, trying to calm things down a little, says something similar to “I know you can work this out, you have the same goal and have similar morals and values…” Well , I saw red! I totally interrupted him and said, “There’s absolutely NOTHING similar about our morals and values – I have them, he doesn’t”.
    I’ve never been able to say anything remotely as effective as that ever. If looks could have killed, I’d have been six feet under but I felt great!

  • It’s not that exciting here, but it was for me.

    I’m a chump, a fixer, a rusher-in-to-make-it-righter, a “don’t be mad at me’er.” But a year after BD, as the divorce was settled and I was buying The Coward out of the family home, he texted me to complain. See, refi mortgage company gave him a choice for his half of the equity: take a check in the mail, or pay a $30 fee to have it wired into his account. Cheap Fucker, with a knack for pinching pennies so that he can blow hundreds of thousands of dollars, texted me to complain. “Why should I have to pay $30 to get MY money?” Well, I noted, he had a choice to take a check for free. “You think I’m actually going to have a check for ninety grand MAILED to me?” I shrugged, finding no fucks to give for once, “Well, it’s your choice.”

    Aw, to a chump? That felt so good! Not my problem!

    What a concept.

    Old me would have offered to pay the fee.

    Newly liberated me? Not sorry. Be gone!

    Come to think of it, I really do believe that was the last conversation we had via text. I went NC after that.

    • Congrats – as a fellow fixer, I know how hard it is to say no or to not help.

      Great you felt good about NOT helping someone who is didn’t appreciate it anyway and badly just felt entitled to it.

    • Mmmm… feels so good to shrug and explain that it is up to them to deal with their own consequences. You nailed it Stephanie, I was able to insert a few bars in here and there, but when my then-wife and I were in some early stage of tense discussions after i found out her secret, I said, “well, I’m done, enjoy life with ” She got so upset.

      In retrospect, I should have taken that stance from day one because he was married too, and in quite a mess. The joy of letting go and not feeling responsible for others’ self-inflicted problems: that was my number one lesson.

      • Amen to that. I was the fixer and he was the fucker-upper and when I FINALLY let go of the fixing it was such a relief.

      • Love that Chumpionoftheworld!! I need to post that on my door or just “let go” to remind me. I felt responsible and always put on my fix it hat for Narc the Cat’s self inflicted problems, and they were never ending. His emotional abuse and secret double life of cheating was to further kick me down because he felt I always had it better than he did (working and supporting him!). I’m finally letting go.

    • OMG, so me! The fixer-upper and the do-for person, the always-sympathetic ear! The ex started whining to me on the phone about some crap, a few months after I kicked him out, and I just listened ’til he stopped, waited a beat, and said ‘why are you talking to me about this?’.

      He was shocked, SHOCKED!

      Felt great.

      • I did that, too, and it felt great. In the excruciating days between BD and the day he moved out of the family home, he tried to engage me in some whiny conversation I forget the details of. I stopped him mid-sentence and said, “I don’t want to hear it. Tell it to your new best friend. I’m not your mother, I’m not your wife any more. Tell it to Twatty. Maybe she can help you.”

    • A few months after I kicked his twice-cheating ass out, my ex was trying to hoover;

      Him: It was dumb of me to do things that pushed away such a strong, smart, loving woman.
      Me: You forgot beautiful.

    • I just had a similar experience yesterday: post divorce 5 weeks ago, the only thing left is to get monthly reimbursements of childrens’ covered expenses, which are very specifically court ordered and the process for payment is directed to my bank account. X, ever the drama queen is trying the “you’re not the boss of me. . . ” and was outraged when I suggested he actually GO to the bank where we banked for 25 years, which is blocks from his office, and deposit the reimbursement directly as per the court order when his preferred methods of vimeo, bank to bank transfer, pay pal, etc. etc. etc. didn’t work.

      I was going to respond with several blistering responses, but then decided that wouldn’t be NC.

      The best fuck off is silence, . . I’m too busy with my new life to deal with your shit!
      Baahaahaahaaaaaa

    • Stephanie, you nailed it, it IS very liberating to be able to both tell where my problems end and someone else’s begins, and also to be able to SAY SO to them!!! So much freedom! My biggest moment of this wasn’t quite so Meh, but it felt very good nonetheless. We were in divorce mediation, and What’s His Face was trying to convince me and the mediator that he shouldn’t have to pay so much in child support, because look at his budget, he barely has anything left over at the end of the month!! (Yes, having two households is significantly more expensive, that’s what happens when your wife kicks you out because you try hard to convince her 1.) It’s nothing, 2.) Ok, it’s something, but it’s all wife’s fault.) Mind you, this “budget” is five or six lines on an excel sheet (wow. Effort.) He holds it out to me, looking all sad sausage and earnest, and I look at him and say (ok, it was practically yelling, but my head was exploding) “That is NOT my problem.” He looked confused and smirked his “You are so bitter” smirk. I ignored him and did not reduce his CS (which is at the state mandated minimum) to give him more play money. He already played with our money plenty while we were married.

      My other favorite response for whenever he’s asking for something ridiculous (it always has something to do with reducing child support) is simply “No thank you.” I hope he reads it with as much disdain as it is meant. It feels powerful to just be able to say “No.” No second guessing, no guilty feelings, no nothing!! Awesome sauce. 🙂

      • This attitude has also infected me at work, and you know what? Ever since I started saying no to stuff I know very well they can do themselves, they now try to do it themselves FIRST. It’s great, they learn stuff and I’m much less resentful from feeling like I’m being “put upon”, when really I was “taking upon”. Human nature is so interesting.

    • I’m always amazed at how the cheater narcs create these situations where there is no solution and want to sit back and see how you’ll make it work. He won’t pay the $30 processing fee. He won’t accept a check for such a high amount of money being mailed to him. So what are YOU going to do to make sure that you get your share of the money?

      YOU’LL pay the fee, right? Because it’s worth it to you just to get the situation over with. Or YOU’LL negotiate with the company to create some third option that meets his demands. All while he sits back and watches you jump through hoops that he built. He gets to make you dance one way or the other.

      • Dang it, hit send too soon.

        But he didn’t get you to dance, because you just said, “Fine, fuck off.”

        *fist bumps to you.*

  • First Xmas after I’d started divorce proceedings and our grown up kids had decided to spend Xmas with me, cheater was with his family, still trying to pretend OW didn’t exist. Sad text came – ‘Merry Xmas. Hope you have a lovely Xmas with the kids’ As usual I started to feel guilty and sorry for him, right on cue but then remembered my CL learning. Resisted everything that I was dying to say and texted back ‘Thank you. And I hope you both have a lovely Christmas too.’ Didn’t get any more texts. Ever. Funny that….? Thank you ?

      • MJB, I love it!!! REVERSE UBT! And your UBT translation was on spot. That’s in my repertoire now.

        Phoenix, you did great!

    • A week before Father’s Day this year, I received an email from husband that was friendly (he does not like where our divorce settlement negotiations are headed 😉 so is trying to butter me up. In true CL fashion, I wished him an upcoming “Father’s Day that is as free of parental responsibility as the last three years have been (he abandoned me and our four teenagers). I got the “you’re so mean and bitter” response, but it felt SOOOOO good!

  • Cheater pants sat in therapy whining about how he was so sad I was leaving, how I didn’t believe he’d never met the teenager that he was exchanging naked photos with even though she worked at a restaurant he ate at every Friday and I found a birthday card she’d written (no that was another teen with the same name really)! He sat in therapy crying about if only I could trust him and stop being insecure and just believe he worked worked out at 2am… and our computer had a virus!
    The therapist looked at me and asked me if I could trust, give him a chance. I looked at cheater and said, ” I’m going to make your life a living hell! I’m going to ruin your entire life and let everyone know what a cheater you are and then I’m going to post your photos all over the Internet. I’m going to ruin you.” Cheater looked frightened and the counselor suggested we end the session.
    It was my one moment of righteous anger!

    • MJB, I love it!!! REVERSE UBT! And your UBT translation was on spot. That’s in my repertoire now.

      Phoenix, you did great!

      • Shissh, my smartphone mixed up (or the person using it), repeated my reply to MJB.

        What I wanted to say, Cocovoe, is that you made me feel sooooo much better!!! Good for you. What a fucking liar! Computer virus. An insult to our intelligence. My cheater lies to the judge!

        • Ugh mine lied to the judge too. Hasn’t seen or called our son in 2 years, but tells the judge he’s the best dad ever. ?
          I really wanted the judge to call him on all the bullshit and have a scene from a court room drama! You can’t handle the truth sorta thing. Didn’t happen!

    • You know, if I was married, I wouldn’t work out late at night like that. Sometimes I do work out late at night as a single, but that just looks suspicious and could be considered inconsiderate for a married person even if that person wasn’t cheating. But, I’m sure most people who do suspicious stuff otherwise, are not really “working” or “working out” at 2 am.

  • Cheater was holed in a luxury apartment with schmoopie and sends the text.” i am so sorry for all you had to suffer ,could I see you just once? Can we meet for coffee?”
    my response: Oh I am desperate for a coffee…shall I meet you at you apartment? and my mom wants to come along ..get schmoopie to put the kettle ON.

    Cheater:after not agreeing for a mutual agreement for nearly 6 months, texts” Oh I am tired, I want to start a new life with the whore. Can we apply for divorce?”
    My response: Ha ha good luck with your new life fucker! The divorce papers are already on the way to your lawyer.

    Cheater: “you are the most precious thing in my life…but I lost you”
    My response: ” Jesus wept”

    • Hahaha! I had that one too.
      After going NC with him when I found out he had been cheating and other liar-y things (he had already moved out to “find his happiness”) he sent me a sad sack text,
      “How are we going to get divorced if you won’t even talk to me?”
      My response, “I already filed. You will be served soon.”
      Unfortunately I didn’t remain NC that day because I received a barrage of texts mostly asking what he is supposed to do…hahaha! And this is coming from a wanker who was already divorced! I was Wife Appliance number 2!
      “Get an attorney. The paperwork is massive. You will need to prove that you haven’t been misdirecting funds towards the AP or up your nose.” was my paraphrased response.

    • I love how we are the most precious thing as they are walking out the door. My x said, “No matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life.” Something within me snapped and I responded,”NO! You don’t get to say that anymore! You can’t cheat on me after 30 years together and then claim I was the love of you life! You don’t get to do that!” He got teary eyed, but I was having none of it. Fuck that and fuck him.

      • Oh Violet….so so relate to this. Been married to my fuckwit for 34 years…he has absolutely broken me with his betrayal and manipulation….and he is now with OW…but yet has the balls to say “I miss you so much” and wants to hug me constantly…tries to kiss me?! WTF!!! When he gave me the miss you bullshit, I said to him “apparently not enough….now go crawl back to that while you think you want to live in”.

      • Good for you, violet! That is mighty. 🙂

        I have recently realized my fucktard is nonsensically clinging with every slimy finger and toe — to me, to our former marriage. He did everything humanly possible to crush me for more than two decades — and he succeeded in breaking so much inside of me. Yet, now that I am D.O.N.E., he can’t let go.

        It’s hard to express how pissed I am about this. I wish I could tell him to fuck off, but No Contact keeps me sane and my family safe.

        I do, however, get a bit of a vicarious thrill when other Chumps actively tell their ex-assholes to fuck off. 🙂

      • My reply to “but baby, you are the love of my life”? “Fuck, really? Hate to think what you do to the people you don’t like then.”

    • Oh Boy, today’s post is simply GREAT.

      Jesus wept.

      I’m having so much fun. Chump Nation is hilarious and wise.

        • I love this, “Jesus wept”! I am going to use this! but, he is so stupid he won’t even know what I am talking about, but I will!

          • In the U.K. we say “Jesus wept” kinda like “OFFS”. If I said it I certainly wouldn’t be quoting the bible.

      • Snort x2!
        This is BRILLIANT!
        Since my x is a son of a pastor, jesus-cheater, I’m actually on my knees praying for a chance to use “Jesus wept”. If you don’t mind, I’m tucking this one in my pocket and saving it for a rainy day.
        🙂

    • >>Cheater: “you are the most precious thing in my life…but I lost you”
      My response: ” Jesus wept”

      This made my morning. Genius. I’m totally stealing this when my time comes. Thanks for the welcome laugh.

  • After my third and final D-Day, ex was reciting his usual script of “I love you so much, I’m just a sad sad sausage that needs MORE love and understanding and compassion from you and I’m SO SAD you won’t forgive me” …

    Fuckboy: “Why can’t you love me the way I am? I just can’t stop crying.”
    Me: “Yeah, I bet you’re just crying buckets … out the end of your dick.”

  • The day the divorce papers arrived in the mail, cheater took me aside and looking all sad said ” I just wanted to prepare you because the divorce papers are probably in your mailbox”. I let out a cry of absolute glee and said “oh thank God! This is the best day of my life!”. And it really was ?

    • Isn’t it though!
      I swear I broke out in dance as I left the courthouse! I wanted to rent confetti cannons for the courthouse steps but they were way too expensive!

      • My ex walked into the office to sign the divorce papers just as I walked out (we weren’t allowed in at the same time). He walked in all sad sausage face and as I walked out I gave my lawyer a HUGE grin and a thumbs up! Finally got rid of that fucker!

    • I am so looking forward to that day, but The Worm is drawing it out as long as possible……..
      My best retort was a response to him telling me how disrespectful I was, that my “chances with him were diminishing” and he “may start dating”.
      I said, “What the hell, Worm? You’ve been dating for two years!”
      He walked out……best day ever!

  • When I found out about his whore. He was very nasty and said the grass IS greener on the other side …….. Which broke me at the time
    But after many months….During one of many angry texts with my stbx he was calling me for everything. Bitter ,vindictive ,jealous ,child alienator – you get the picture ……basically complaining about his consequences
    . I laughed in his face and said. Guess the grass isn’t greener on the other side once you mow it a couple of times….., he hung up ?

    • Meant to mention after the many angry texts of the insults I got tired if it and didn’t reply he then rang me …again abusing me …., that is when my response angered him so much that he hung up

    • CL, I have an issue that “speaking truth to stupid is un-meh”. Actually, I think it’s an exercise that refines our pickers and helps us dissipate our spackle haze. Like MJB’s reverse-UBT.

      And, as you say, it feels so damn good. I am having so much fun today.

      I’ve related this zinger before, but here goes again since it is special for today:
      Cheater and I are at court trying to reach an agreement and he’s twisting facts (= lying), which, one after the other, are being exposed by me and my lawyers. That felt good enough, but then cheater comes up with: “You can trust me!” (They really must have a brain disease).

      And I reply “Please tell me how one goes about trusting a cheater!”. That startled his lawyer, but cheater replies “But I’m NOT a cheater!” (They REALLY must have a brain disease).

      So I answer in a snarky tone “Oh yeah, so (OW’s complete name) is a cybernetic, intergalactic mirage”.

      LOTS of sniggers from everyone, and his poor lawyer (a young girl, BTW), looks down at her lap.

      • I had a similar snarky moment in court w/JAMF. My engagement ring was his family heirloom, safely ensconced in a safe deposit box, and he had the sole key. He told his lawyer that I stole “the only thing I have from my dead mother”. Complete with fake cracking voice & attempting tears. I corrected him, asking if I meant the engagement ring he’d given me 8 years prior. Then asked if he planned on giving it to cocksocket, as she didn’t mind my leftover H, surely she’d want my ring as well. He looked like he shit his pants.

        • Posted too soon. His snarky lady lawyer said something to the effect that it was tacky of me to steal the ring. I said it’s tacky having your sidepiece in the marital bed.

          • Well, girls, if we had to give back every damn present cheaters ever gave us. And vice-versa. In my country judges won’t even consider these types of claims. I could sell everything in our house and sleep on the floor and cheater would have to complain with the bishop. The intent of every damn single cheater is to look good in the picture.

          • My EX insisted on getting the engagement and wedding rings back as part of the property settlement. They were family heirlooms as well. This after he told me they would always be mine, even if we split up (from a completely hypothetical conversation the summer before we split – when I had no inkling that there were any problems. We were watching a TV show where a similar situation came up and I just asked what we would do in that instance. Little did I know he way lying.) He has them now – and I don’t care anymore, but at the time it was just another knife in the gut.

            • Peachy – ‘My EX insisted on getting the engagement and wedding rings back as part of the property settlement.’

              Good Grief! Mine also wanted MY wedding ring and MY 30th anniversary gift of a hope-diamond grand- baby…(Oh! he loves me Soooo much after all these years..) . . just as I turn 60.

              I knew at that point that he was disgusting after asking me for those 2 pieces of jewelry in our settlement….especially MY wedding ring. WTF is that? Yes, dear. And, will never forget him falling for my ‘cooperation’. I just told him after we were settled in the divorce that I couldn’t find the jewelry…oops, sorry. Must of lost it. haha. I knew he couldn’t prove it wasn’t missing. I was always careless where I left my jewelry and he knew it. Not that he bought it.

              Guess I learned how to play sneaky is as sneaky does….and I hate him for bringing out that side of me.

      • Well if you zing for you, and not their edification (i.e., chump need for cheater to come to their senses…) — have at it.

        Eventually you want to not give them the centrality and achieve indifference. But while you’re breaking up and leaving or divorcing? Sure, stab them with your rapier wit.

        The pomposity needs lampooning. Expect narc channel to reset to rage.

    • Freewill, I screwed up my replies again today, maybe this is being too much fun. I wanted to say I loved your mown grass metaphor, it’s in my repertoire of snarks now.

  • My ex-husband has tried desperately to normalize his drop-the-mic-and-walk-out abandonment of me with our two babies for a stripper who he moved cross-country for. Months later, in a text message, he complained about my bad attitude when we text. ‘Why are you always so sarcastic and pissed off when we talk?’ I responded “Ah, yes. The ‘It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it.’ defense. What you did is NOT NORMAL, and I am responding accordingly. You act as though this is just something that people do every day. Yes, I suppose some people do do this. They’re called family-abandoning assholes.’ No response.

    Ever since then, he’s stored in my phone as FAA.

  • 5 months after D’day cheater was still not taking responsibility for anything let alone his cheating. So during a rare phone conversation, I asked, are you gay? Did you ever really love me?
    He responded “You probably won’t believe me but 6 weeks ago I was delivered of an unclean sexual spirt”
    I start laughing “you were delivered”
    Him annoyed “yes”
    Me “and who delivered you (insert name of moron pastor here who started peddling the demonic angle the moment he confessed)?”
    Him “what you don’t believe me?”
    Me, more laughing “Oh please you were given free will just like everyone else mate, you chose to cheat”
    So now not only was I not buying his bullshit, I was rejecting the spiritual superiority of those he had entrusted his restoration too. Well the restoration of his straight facade.

    Because I did not buy the whole spiritual victim act because if he was genuine he would have come to me when it happened and owned his issues and supported me in caring for our daughter no matter what it took. Everything became my fault and my choosing divorce was seen as my lack of whatever (insert all my faults here, spiritual, emotional etc,etc.) When he did not get the reaction he was hoping for, like me pitying the pathetic sod and making it all better for him, he went on the attack and threatened to sell the family home the children and I were still living in while our daughter was being treated for cancer.

    More stupid shit,

    Me, “How could you do this, are you gay”?
    Him, “I was curious” (what repeatedly for 8 years)

    Two weeks after coming clean he was still on a local combined church committee for a Christmas event.
    Me angry,”do they know that we are no longer together and that you’re gay?”
    Him, pissed at me for bringing it up “I took us both off singing as neither of us are fit to be involved in the public side of the event but I do not have to quit the committee because they do not need to know what I did as it is all in my past.” It was very present for me!!!!!!!!!

    My fav come back to my ex is “Denial is not a cure”

  • My retort was not that sassy, but relevant because I was reading CL’s book at the time (thankfully I found her pretty quickly after everything blew up). Cheaterpants asked me what I was reading. “A book on infidelity,” I replied. “Oh, you can ask me anything you need to know,” he quipped breezily, obviously flattered that I was making an effort to understand his ‘special situation’. “Oh, it’s nothing to do with you,” said I, “I just need to decide what I’M going to do about the situation”. That shut him up.

    • You realize, of course, that what you said was probably more painful to him than anything else you could have said. ?

    • OMG!
      Thank goodness it’s a holiday in my country. So I have time to read all of these brilliant snarks. I am having SO MUCH FUN. We say “Lose the roof and gain the stars”. Chump Nation is one of my stars twinkling and guiding me!

    • I had a similar moment… 3 days postDDay, I told him I was wiring 1/2 of our liquid assets to a new checking account on my name only. He questioned if that was really necessary, and I said, “if we found out that my business partner was taking side contracts, would you or not renegotiate that contract?”
      “But our marriage is so much more than a comtract” he countered.
      I said “no, our marriage is a contract and you just broke it.” Crickets…

      A few days later, he said that his affair might be the best thing for our family. I shot him a look that could kill and told him “our kiddo and I will have a great life because I will make sure it happens despite your despicable choices and digusting behavior.”

      He looked dumbfounded as I left the room, that must have been close to the time when I instated NC.

    • WOWwwwwwwwwWWWWWWW!!!

      The conceit of that ass! Just, wow!

      And the only good retort is exactly what you gave him.

      (Why am I ever surprised by cheaters any more? But I am. WOW.)

    • Reminds me of a Rodney Dangerfield line.

      “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

      Sorry if that hits a sore spot for chumps, but that’s Rodney’s style of self-deprecating humor.

      Peace.
      aeronaut

      • I can hear Rodney’s voice as I read that, which just makes it funner, in that club-in-the-Catskills kind of way. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing. Reading all these comebacks is boosting my spirits, for sure.

  • Oh my God, I’m not sure there’s even enough space on this blog for me to put my sassy, very true retorts.

    The best one I can think of the moment occurred last weekend.

    My husband for the past three years has been visiting prostitutes while traveling for work, and now that he is home looking for work, he’s been visiting prostitutes in Cities nearby.

    Last fall he said he would remain monogamous, which I have heard many times over the past three years. So I said to him that he needs to take on full risk and sign a post nup. Which by the way in the country I live in is a legal document that the judge signs off on.

    During this weekend we had a discussion. I told him I am ready to file unilaterally as I have offered many different options and he’s refused all.

    I then revisited the post nup conversation, telling him my thoughts are he did not want to sign it because he wanted to continue living in the house and seen prostitutes.

    His response: “I don’t believe in contracts ”

    My response: “no shit Sherlock. You had a marriage contract with me and broke it”

  • When I had my STBX sign the divorce papers I said:
    “I wanted sex and love too.” But as long as I stay married to you ….I won’t have those things. Sign the papers.

  • After 30 years together and on the very last day as we were clearing the family home which had been sold. Holding out his hand, he said
    “I guess this is where we shake hands and say see you soon”
    My response, “I don’t think so, there is the door. Shut it quietly on your way out”.
    He scowled and walked out leaving the door wide open. His last bit of control. I hope he heard me laughing. ?

    • Verity…..I am leaving a 31 year marriage….selling my home. There will be no ” Let’s shake hands and be friends.” I do not want or need friends who deceive me….lie to me, put my health at risk with STDs.

      • Yes, I got the whole friends thing from exH. Not going to happen. I told him that I already had enough friends that I actually like.

        • I have a reply ready for the let’s be friends thing. “You are below the minimum standard I have set for my friends” he hasn’t asked to be friends….

            • One day post d-day when things were calm discussing selling the house he said out of the blue ” we’re going to be one of those couples that lives apart but see each other weekly to sleep together”. I’m sorry to say I had no response to that … All I could do is look at them in disbelief, like he really thought after all this time I wanted to be with him while he had other side dishes?

          • The last text I will ever send to pervy pants said: Good luck with the life you have chosen for yourself. Please do not contact the kids if you are arrested for voyeuring, caught in a prostitution sting- or if you contract HIV. Thanks.

      • What’s up with the “let’s shake hands” crap? I got that one too, and looked at him like he was an alien from space. Who the eff shakes hands with someone they were married to and intimate with for 25+ years? And who is trying to damage them financially while still saying they want to be friends? they are insane.

    • It wasn’t a quite “let’s shake hands” scene but when freshly ex’ed by 24 hours, cheater came to get the last of his worthless shit out of the basement he approached me (mind you I had seen him just 3 times in 2 1/2 years since he ran away – 2 times in the courtroom) & said thanks for letting him get his stuff. He stood there like he wanted some sort of conversation. I just said, “Hope in the end this has all been worth it for you.” He made a goofy face & backed away. I went back in the house & cried.

      • The last time I saw pervy pants……I said: You got the life wanted…..you got your mother – your hot sexy web cam hoes and your hot sexy hook up hoes…..now go and be happy with the choices you made. He said, “Would you want to me?” (boo hoo). I said, “Yes” I’d love to be you….then I could fuck people over and not give a rat’s ass about it.

    • Beautiful! You pushed the tray with the final shit sandwich he offered you back at him to eat…So good.

    • This is awesome Verity297.

      We were renting when I found out about his affair. I forced us both to rent new places, and we each moved our stuff 3 weeks later.

      I had moved all papers and all my stuff to my new place progressively and had ordered new furtinure online, when move out day came, I needed the movers for one trip for the bigger items I wanted. That morning I woke up, put post-it notes on the stuff to be moved to my place and directed the movers towards my things when they got there.

      When all my things were packed and on their way to the moving truck, he watched me as I took my key off the key chain, placed it on the kitchen counter, then asked “you’re coming back to help right?”

      I just walked to the door and threw a smile and a good luck his way, and left. I had organized all of our 5 moves, and leaving him to deal with that one was pretty sweet.

  • When I found the mountain of porn/webcam hoes/hook up sites on his cell phone…….I threw the cell phone smack in his face and said “You are a monster”- Get out- and stay out! Not so clever- but the word “monster” seemed to get through his thick wall of denial.

    The deception, the lies, the smiling in my face/fucking me over behind my back with strangers on the internet= a monster. What else can it be called?

    • “Monster” is quite apt. It was the one word that kept resonating through my mind during all of the cognitive dissonance.

      • I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies. . . . And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?” (John Steinbeck- East of Eden)

  • Dang, here I am, wide awake at the wee hours of the morning. It’s going to be a tired day. Bring on the dark roast!

    As for a retort I am pretty darn proud of…. I had a narc sniffing around a few years ago. Didn’t take long to have his number, he was a classic case. During the one phone conversation we had, he was trying to get me to tell him where I lived………over and over, which was deeply creepy. He asked me if I was frightened living by myself out in the country. I told him absolutely not. If someone tried to break in, they would have to get through some very good locks. If they managed that, they would have to get past my honkin big dog. And if, by some miracle the got past my dog, well, I had a .357 magnum. I told him that a .357 magnum can crack an engine block, don’t cha know, and it will make enormous holes in would be home invaders.

    I never heard from him again…..Gee, I wonder why? (Tongue firmly in cheek!)

  • x, who had a 5+ year affair, wasn’t invited to son’s wedding due to all the personal attacks on said son. He went all sad sausage about it and sent me a text
    Just thinking how in love we were last time son got married.
    My response
    Just thinking how you were fucking the ow last time son got married.
    Apparently that hurt his feelings.

  • After emptying our bank accounts and running off with ow while I was at work, I got a call from x a week later saying he hadn’t taken enough money to keep ow in the style he promised her and didn’t know what to do. My response…next time pick a mistress who has a job.
    Still cannot wrap my head around him coming to me for advice! Exactly how big was the chump stamp on my forehead!

  • As soon as x moved out, I went no contact. Three weeks later, he sent me a text:
    “I am so sad. I can’t stop crying. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever known and will never love anyone as deeply again.”

    I wanted to shut that shit down fast, so I immediately replied:
    “Too bad it wasn’t deep enough to keep your dick out of bar skanks, married whores and morbidly obese old high school friends”

    I waited a couple of minutes (the requisite amount of time to let the rage set in) and sent another text:
    “There….I bet you feel a lot less sad now……You’re welcome. Quit fucking texting me.”

    And I didn’t get another text like that again. 🙂 Not yet anyway.

  • When my ex was served divorce papers at the OW’s house, he actually said I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you filed for divorce! My response, well I guess since you didn’t tell me you got yourself a girlfriend while we were married we’re even.

    • When he got served at work (I was nice enough to tell the server to do it outside, not in front of anyone), ex called and said: Do you know how humiliating that was? My response: Not nearly as humiliating as it was for me to find out that you were “in love” with another woman!
      No response.

    • Today we’ll just have to roll the dices at the best sass. Hope, that was brilliant! Just gave me an idea.

    • You just reminded me of the year after my ex-Asshat moved out to continue his affair with a friend of mine who was a Christian life coach. His arrogance and silent treatment that first year were brutal. But when tax time rolled around, he emailed me to say “we need to discuss taxes…blah blah blah.” He amiably suggested I claim our two college-aged kids, and he would claim the younger two. I promptly informed him I had already filed, and claimed all four exemptions. He was livid! He said how could I just decide to take all the exemptions without discussing things with him first?! I replied, “If you can unilaterally decide our marriage is over, I can damn well decide to unilaterally claim all the kids.” He ended up with a $10,000 tax bill that year and is still paying on it, while telling the kiddos how mean I was. THAT was the day I began my MEH journey. ?

  • After speaking to her first husband’s family I found out her 1st marriage ended due to an affair. (She left that part out). When she got word I contacted them, I got a text…”did you contact my ex’s family?”.

    She wrote “ANSWER ME!”
    Then I got “Never mind, I got my answer”

    I wrote “Did they lie to me?”

    She wrote “Here’s the thing, the truth is subjective….”

    I wrote, “Here’s the thing. You can’t handle the truth” ( A Few Good Men”) Good title 🙂

    She wrote “Done”

    I wrote “Way ahead of you…”

    D day is one year in the rear view. Worst to best year of my life! Thanks for the book!

  • When the Twat ran off with the Skank we went into town to close our joint bank account and open up individual accounts. He was all sad sausage because he already knew he had made a mistake and wanted to come back (say what, the skank with the trunny legs, fat ankles and face like the north end of a camel going south isn’t doing it for you anymore?)! Although we made decent money together (I earned just a little more than him) we were forever in debt because he had to have the man toys (which he never took care of) and then there was the buying rounds in the bar, and the €1,000 handbag for the skank (I bought mine for €10 in Turin market and it lasted longer). So of course he very quickly ran into financial trouble even though he wasn’t paying rent etc and had left me to pay for our 2 kids who were still at home, the mortgage, etc. About a month later he said “oh, I’m having a little financial flow trouble (ya think?) so I might need to borrow some money”! I had bought him out of the house so he had received that money and obviously already spent it!!! I still had a little left despite having ongoing mortgage payments. That was when I realized he could see my account via internet banking because the bank hadn’t took him off that link. So I said, “nah sorry, THIS bank is closed forever”. So he said “why not, I see you have it?” To which I just replied “I’ve got two words for you, and the second one is off”! (Not sure if he figured that out though=!

    • In his defense, it could be ‘piss’ or it could be ‘fuck’. Leaning towards the latter, but one never knows. In practice, he deserves both.

      Peace.
      aeronaut

    • Hey Attie, “so I might need to borrow some money”.

      Remember that financial infidelity walks hand in hand with marital infidelity, as pointed out by CL this very week. Don’t be cheated on twice.

      I’m expecting the SAME BS from my STBXH.

      My answer is ready. He can sleep in his goddamn Minicooper (very expensive in my country and cheater is 6’4”) for all I care. My sister’s BIL, for the same reasons (just the address changes), had to sleep for months in his fancy Range Rover after his wife kicked him out. Lucky for her, in those days the law punished cheaters. Not anymore.

      • I gave him so much more than he should have received just to get rid of him so there will never ever be any more. Funny thing is, the day I got back off holiday there was a message from the same bank wanting to talk to Mr. B. I asked which one (ex-husband and 2 sons) so sorted one out but they inadvertently let slip that ex was seriously overdrawn here in France too and they wanted it sorted out (he’s back in the States). Karma gives me lovely dreams.

      • Or a poem. Hereafter my adaptation of an Edward Lear poem:

        The Twat and the Skank went to sea
        In a beautiful pea-green boat,
        They took some honey, and plenty of money,
        Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

        The Twat looked up to the stars above,
        And sang to a small guitar (side note: this is great he really did think he could play guitar),
        “O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
        What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are!
        What a beautiful Pussy you are!”

        Pussy said to the Twat, “You elegant fowl!
        How charmingly sweet you sing!
        O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
        But what shall we do for a ring?”

        They sailed away, for a year and a day,
        To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
        And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
        With a ring at the end of his nose, His nose, His nose,
        With a ring at the end of his nose.

        “Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
        Your ring?” Said the Piggy, “I will.”
        So they took it away, and were married next day
        By the Turkey who lives on the hill.

        They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
        Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
        And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
        They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon,
        They danced by the light of the moon.

    • Ha ha ha! The north end of a camel going south! He could have had the decency to “cheat upward”- not downward!

  • “You should have told me you’re a village vagina. Every time you fart a random dude pops out and that’s one less missing person.”

    • People are looking at me as I sit on the train laughing at some of these great lines. Thanks to all for a much needed smile.

    • LOL!!!! Love it! In my repertoire. Cheater would fart and/or burp whenever I said something that made him uncomfortable. Now I understand why.

  • My ex told me “You know I am going to marry (insert OW name here)” My response “And I hope you treat her as well as you treated me.”

    I could have said more, but this was in front of the kids who were 11 and 9.

  • I’ve posted this before, but for the benefit of any new members of CN…

    Kunty Kibbler had precious few instances of the charm and self pity channels, and only in the days immediately after the day of reckoning — it’s been pretty much all rage all the time. Even before I knew what NC/GR were, I was putting them into practice as the only way of staying sane.

    One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, working from home, when she launched into one of her tirades about how I was making things unnecessarily difficult, how I wasn’t showing her any respect, how I was only making it harder on myself by not moving on from “whatever happened between us,” etc.

    After 10 minutes of ignoring her, she finally shouted, “Goddammit, I want you to acknowledge me!!”

    Is said, “OK, here you go” — and raised my middle finger at her.

    • and for Newbies, UXWorld is our Ninja Master at Grey Rock (having had to live with rage-machine KK for TEN MONTHS before she moved out). My nickname for him is El Capitan, for the most impressive grey rock imaginable (in Yosemite).

      • There is a gray rock named El Capitan in Yosemite? You know, there are mac computers with the El Capitan and Yosemite operating systems. Sometimes, they act like gray rocks.

  • My x came back 3 days after I threw him out and told me he was moving back in, both our names were on the lease and legally I couldn’t throw him out. I stood a moment, deer in headlights, imagining the hell of seeing him every day. Then smoothly told him FINE, but 2-4 am was for vacuuming. Every night.
    He did not come back. ?

  • Scene: January, 2017. My then 5 year old daughter had just had her tonsils removed after battling strep for 6 months. Her paternal DNA contributor, whom I call “Uncle Dad,” has not picked up his children for his supervised visitation since November, 2015, texts me.

    Uncle Dad: Why didn’t you tell me about [daughter’s] surgery?

    Me: Awww, you’re cute! Do you want the reasons alphabetically or chronologically?

      • I was going through my texts just now, and found another good zinger. This was a few months ago, and he was asking if his grandmother could pick up our two girls and use his visitation on his behalf.

        For a little background, Uncle Dad and I have been divorced for 2 years now, and he pretty much refuses to pay child support. It took me about 2 years to get an order for child support, and when I did, he was purposefully under-employed, so I only got about 1/3 of what I should have been awarded.

        In January, 2017, the mother of his oldest child–he has 4 kids by 3 women–sued him for sole custody, so he quit his job and has been unemployed ever since. He had a 3 year old when we got married. We have 2 girls, and he got an employee pregnant, which is why we got divorced.

        Anyway, a couple months ago, I told him that until he started paying his child support, no one from his family could pick up the kids. I have sole custody, and he has supervised visits. He hasn’t tried to pick up the kids since 11/2015. That’s when we had this conversation:

        Uncle Dad: So, how is 9:00 in the morning for you?

        Me: You are reasonably intelligent, [Uncle Dad]. And by that I mean you walk upright and can use tools. What do you think?

        Uncle Dad: But [Grandfather] is having brain surgery on Thursday. Can [Grandmother] pick up my girls? Yes or no?

        Me: Perhaps you should have paid your child support for the past several months, and you wouldn’t be in this predicament… Bummer…

      • What a fucker, indeed… Quite accomplished…. 4 kids by 3 women, and pays child support for precisely ZERO of them.

        Thankfully, I had a meeting at the state’s support enforcement office yesterday, and they are going after him for the almost $15,000 he owes me.

        The worst part? He is currently unemployed, recently married, and is pressuring the new wife’s ex-partner for more child support for her kids to make up for his lack of income so he can hide from his child support garnishment.

        I really hope there is a special place in hell for people like him. Up front, far from the bathrooms, and in front of the guy who kicks the back of your seat….

        • Awesome, just awesome! !!!!

          I swear, they all use the same handbook.

          My ex2 is married, her ex is currently trying to get out from having tomoay her so much, and of ciurse my ex is probably helpung her fight to keep getting what she does get.

          I too had to go to the state enforcement office last month to get him to pay, hes livid and in retaliation, he called DHR and tried to have me investigated for child abuse/neglect

        • My state child support office would periodically take x’s drivers license and architecture license and hold hostage until he made a payment. And they would throw him in jail once in a while until he could come up with a chunk. But the best part — see if you can get your state child support enforcement office to add interest to his back child support if they are not already doing so. I had to push mine for months to enforce the already existing court order for 12.99 percent monthly interest on arrears but when I finally got them to act on it it they went retroactive and it took his $65K in arrears to upwards of $660K. Yes that’s well over half a million in unbankruptable debt!!!!
          Just before they had the court hearing to enforce this new amount (at which time x surely would have gone to jail again) I made him an offer. I told him I wouldn’t move forward with the court adding the interest, and I wouldn’t actively try to collect on the original $65K, and he would have no new child support obligations. The catch: only if he would terminate parental rights. He considered his options. He agreed to my offer. This paved the way for my current husband (the good one – also a fellow chump) to adopt my kids.

          • P.S. my offer was only good if he signed all the relevant paperwork prior to the looming court date. That was my only leverage. He had to do his part first before I would do my part.

        • My fucker told kiddo that he was going to kill himself if he hadnt left the family he was such a sad sausage ..but the kicker was to tell D 1 his dream was to have a new family 2.0 with latest sucker. My unsaid comeback is ‘i look forward to that immaculate conception ‘ ….. the old Bastard had a vasectomy 17 years ago…..

  • Cheating Asshole: I never wanted to hurt you.
    Me: What part of lying to me, spending our money, and walking out did you think would NOT hurt me?

    CA: It was a mistake.
    Me: Yes, I hear of men’s clothing coming off spontaneously and then their dicks falling into a woman’s pussy all the time.

  • There was one moment during a collaboration meeting with our lawyers that ex Dbag said something and I only thought of a comeback after the meeting was over. After I kicked him out of the house, I also made him give me back the keys and changed the locks. He made a sad sausage comment about how he hadn’t been able to come into the house, or garage and that I changed the locks. He goes “Technically it’s still my house!” I said something like “Well, you don’t live there anymore.””

    Later, while driving home I thought of a zinger…. “Well, technically you are still my husband but that hasn’t stopped you from fucking somebody else, so let’s call it even!”

    Wish I’d thought of that on the spot, I’m sure the lawyers would’ve gotten a kick out of it.

    • 12years wasted – Oh my goodness …. “It’s still my house.” I got that stupid line. Screw that. They left the house. They abandoned the house – and claim it’s “theirs.” I don’t think so. (I changed the locks after he left).

      My stbx has been gone over a year. I did taxes filing separately. He flew off the handle! He cussed me out. He said he owns half this house!!! He should get the interest, etc.! (All the benefits and he hasn’t even been here!). He said I should go live with the person advising me to file separately.

      Well, for one thing, I’m married so I don’t ‘live with other people’, stupid. My lawyer and tax guy said I should file separately. We were separate the whole year. My 13 y.o. daughter said, duh, two people apart for the year file separately, not jointly.

      He left to move in with young coworker and she is having a baby soon. He had half this marriage that he threw away, but I should ‘consider him’ when it’s tax time because blah blah blah blah……

      He said I didn’t consider him, so he is pissed off and went on a rampage.

      He didn’t consider me or his daughter while being MIA for months screwing around and then bailing leaving us with our house and dogs, etc. That’s ok. I’ve taken care of the house, dogs, and everything without him.

      He didn’t think I could do it.

      They are the biggest cowards. Toddler cowards.

      My lawyer said he drops off the check every month (for his portion of fees he has to pay every month) and he stomps up to the office with the most angry, grandiose posturing…… Yep. Because he is a sick puppy who hates that I stand up for myself.

      Oh, yesterday he says his car blew up and what should we do. He wants to be fair.

      Fair? Is he serious? What kind of insanity is this?

      After all the horrific damage, he wants to be “fair” all of a sudden?

      • “Fair” = you split MY expenses 50%, I keep 100% I my assets (and try to scam as much of your $$$ as possible.) Jackal.

  • Of all the bar whores in the world he ended up with the most disordered mentally ill, classless dirt poor UGLY explosive needy pig with an arrest record spanning years for disorderly conduct, assaults, breaking and entering, and felony drug charges. She taunted me after I went no contact for well over a year calling me names, calling the police with false complaints, and finally running me off the road when I attended my granddaughters play.

    I had to break no contact to inform him of the amount over and above the cost of his health insurance I agreed to pay. It was for a small amount. I couldn’t resist mentioning her name in the text I sent him calling her Nanthony. Of course she knows he is a serial cheater and monitors his every move and has full access to his phone. Part of the vomit SHE responded with was, “I thank you again for your husband. Best LOVER I’ve ever had, no need to respond, because YOU are DEAD to us.” My response, “All two inches, haha. Well it’s obvious he wasn’t going for looks, money, or character. At least you get IT.”

  • Stbx said (again) : “You are always taking things I say and twisting them into something negative.”
    My reply: “And you are always saying hurtful shit and then forgetting you said it, so I guess we’ve both got skills.”
    *silence*
    I’m still proud of myself for that one.

  • Cheater-wife whinging, “You don’t trust meeee!

    Me: “Sweetie… I DO trust you. I trust that you’re a lying cheating piece of shit asshole.

    • I never had a zinger, but when my xw (at the time stbxw) asked “Don’t you trust me?” I did look her in the eye with shock on my face and said “What The Fuck! You’re the one leaving me!” She never brought it up again. That was the best I could do.
      Unfortunately my youngest graduates from college tomorrow and asked me to play nice when xw and I meet again. My reply was that I will be civil. It’s about my daughter so I can focus on her. I have so much to tell xw off about, but will keep it to myself.

      • My thoughts are with you, Marked. Keep reminding yourself that “we can do hard things.” My son graduates college next month and I am dreading being that close to my jackwagon ex. I try to pretend I am an actor playing a role to remove myself from the residual pain/emotion from the years of mindfuckery. 🙂
        Keep us posted! You got this.

        • Thanks BlueWillow. XW will only be a “someone I once knew” thought in my mind (I hope). I’m going to really enjoy seeing my youngest walk across that stage and get her diploma. That is what my life is all about right now. 🙂

      • My son is getting married here in France in July. The Twat is coming over from the States and I am dreading it. I will be civil for the sake of my son but nothing more. The Twat is also a loud mouthed alcoholic who thinks he is the life and soul of the party (he stands a better chance of being the star event but for all the wrong reasons). We will be keeping an eye on him. Also, I was just thinking today, the French permanently cancelled his driving licence after so many accidents/wrecks and do not recognize his right to drive in France at all. He will be renting a car and using his US licence. I may just point out to him that his insurance won’t be valid (just to mess with his head) but wonder if I should just let it lie – not my circus, not my monkey.

        • An even better mess for his head would be to call the police once he’s on the way from his hotel to the wedding and report a person who seems to be impaired out on the road.

          And you’re such a helpful citizen, you have the license plate number for them!

          Added Bonus: If it all goes smooth and he is stopped and detained, you won’t have to see his face at the wedding!

          • +1 here. I would REALLY have to mull this one over. Hmm…do I protect the citizens of France from an unlicensed/uninsured entitled A*hole who COULD avoid problems by taking a taxi to the wedding but won’t or do I do nothing and A*hole shows up and tries to take center stage at the wedding? Hmm…

  • The ex boyfriend was living with me at the time. I told him I felt he was being distant and he said “I don’t care what you say but I’m in love with my old girlfriend “.

    Me “go love her at her house”

  • When ex was trying to justify his lying yet again, I used a classic Dr. Simon quote:

    “When the behaviour is wrong WHY you do it is completely irrelevant.”

    I got a blank stare.

  • Cheater is in sad mode and texts me from work that his life is over because he has destroyed it. Also, he says has nothing to live for.. My response was that I was calling 911 because he sounded suicidal and I was very concerned about him. His reply was quick and amazingly competent about how he was just trying to get across a point he is no way was suicidal. 🙂
    That stopped sad mode for a while…

    • Oh yes, I have heard every justification and excuse, for 20 yrs. of prostitutes.
      STBX feelings were hurt when he thought I called him evil, when what I said was that his treatment of me was vile.
      I had to explain the difference. After some thought, I believe his actions were evil and I will clarify that for him if we ever speak again. Divorce filed two weeks ago and he has gone crickets. Must have hurt his feelings again.

  • Ex pulled me out on the deck to ask me why I was acting so hostile, because he “wasn’t a bad person.” I told him that there are any number of labels for a man who fucks around behind his wife’s back and he should just choose the one he prefers over “bad person.” I then told him the first and only time I wanted a divorce and went back inside.

  • Sadly it wasn’t to her face but at the mediation when she tried one final attempt to hoover me back. I said “Reconcile, the number of apologizes needed in order to have a civilized conversation is beyond count.”

    • At some point after I kicked CheaterEx out, we were arguing about something (kids? OW? I don’t remember) and he suddenly went silent. Then he asks, “Do you want to try to fix this marriage?”

      I was caught so off-guard that I blurted out, obviously mortified, “No! Oh, god… Fuck NO!” I think I hurt his feelings…

  • Not the best one, but it still resonates with me. I was still trying to salvage something that wasn’t there, and we we meeting with our Rabbi.

    Her: Frankly, I checked out of this marriage a while ago.
    Me: A marriage isn’t like some hotel that you just casually check out of.

    I was looking at the Rabbi as I said that, and his face didn’t move. Made a note to myself to never play poker with him. Six months later he officiated at my mother’s burial, and years later he married me and my real (current) wife.

    That’s the beauty of this blog contest – it lets us all put our values and wit on display.

    Hugs. Strength. Peace.
    aeronaut

    • So sorry aeronaut…my experience was very similar. Like you, the Deacon who was witness to my pain and betrayal was the officiant when I married my for-real husband, Colonel Greatguy.

    • Hey aeronaut, I like that “my real wife.”

      Just to clarify, you weren’t hurt when he showed no response, right? Just amazed at his ability?

  • About 4 weeks after d-day, when I was weak from the emotional gutting but dancing wildly through the confusion and disbelief, my ex calls.

    He tells me that he and his GF have been discussing their respective marriages and have decided that they will both give their spouses another shot.

    In a flash of clarity, I responded – “Oh how very lovely and generous of you and the OW to make this enormous life decision on my behalf. I really appreciate the gesture but I’ve made my own decision that you both can BITE ME”.

  • During an email debate about who got to claim DD1 (a college student) on taxes the year after the divorce, I got fed up and wrote,

    “During the divorce, against my attorney’s advice, I did not (a) claim the part of the tax refund from the year you lost a lot of the money in the stock market, or (b) recoup money spent on affair partners (e.g., by submitting the credit card statements from what you spent on Gradwhore in Mexico), nor subpoena other credit card statements for costs spent on your other affair partners.

    Thus, l’ll claim DD1 as a dependent, we’ll call it even,and there would seem to be little cause for any further interaction.

    Toodles,
    Tempest”

  • After I told him I was filing, he had to go talk to howorker/secretary to get their stories straight because they might get fired (spoiler alert: they did):

    Me: “bye, have fun fucking your whore”
    Him: “I’m not going to have sex with her. I’m still married to you.”
    Me: “Never stopped you before!”

    Another from me: “You’re so vanilla and boring, that even when you’re cheating on me you’re a cliche.”

    And the best:

    Him: “I can’t believe I trusted you to be civil. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re pathetic.”
    Me: *crickets*, block him on everything, I go no-contact and never look back…

    • Chumpasaurus Rex — the following is off topic, so please pardon me for asking it.

      The f-word? We use it so much here as a term for despicable action, dirty and low. But I got accustomed to liking the f-word* for married love / sex, defining this act as hot and passionate, and I am loathe to now use the term for an evil act that destroys lives . . .

      I just can’t use the term that means hot and passionate married sex to describe something that I won’t even let my mind visualize ….

      * from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch

      • No problem! Interesting perspective. I’ve always thought of it as sex without emotion. So, for me, it was describing exactly what he was doing. He’s incapable of hot and passionate sex (married or otherwise) because, to borrow from CL, there is an empty elevator shaft where his soul is supposed to be…

  • A few months before divorce was final and a few weeks before Schmoopie moved across the country to bed in his new apartment, we met up to move stuff out of the very expensive storage unit to various locations. As I followed in my car to return the UHaul-It, STBX was sobbing when he got into my car. I looked at him and asked why he felt the need to cry. He said “this is so hard!” My comment was “you made this mess and if anyone gets to cry about it, IT’S ME! And guess what, I’m done crying about you. There are no more tears left in me.” He sobbed harder and I dropped him at the curb. Every time I saw him that summer, all he did was cry but he so wanted to “be happy”.

    • I had something similar. Movers had come to get STBX’s things from the house (yes, I had to buy the moving boxes, I had to pack it up). We had an email exchange about whether he wanted small things x, y, or z. He must have been struck by the finality of it all, and wrote, “I am filled with sadness.” I wanted to write “I am filled with relief,” but decided to be nice. Had I known he was moving to an apartment complex to be with his last AP, who had just left her husband for Hannibal, I would not have been so tactful.

      • Similar experience. We both stayed in the house until it sold. I did all the packing of my stuff and of his. The only thing I didn’t pack was his office and on moving day, all the books and paperwork were still all over the room. We each had our own movers (I had arranged for his too) and he stood in the front hall crying. I had had the forethought to have a couple of girlfriends come to help me do the final clean up as boxes were moved out. This really helped because he couldn’t corner me and go on and on with them there. Then he slowly started carrying out armloads of paperwork to his car. At the rate he was going, it would have taken him hours to carry it all out. I did what I could to finish the clean up and left with my friends to my new house. Inside I was crying, but I wasn’t going to let him close enough to know how I felt. He had a girlfriend waiting for him and only wanted kibbles from me. I wish I had had some final words to say – but I wasn’t capable of anything witty at that time.

  • Cheater: “I’m not stupid, you know!”

    GG: “Don’t sell yourself short, Judge. You’re a tremendous dumb fuck.”

    Sweet….

  • It: i havent traded you in or replaced you it was a lateral move i want to know if the grass is greener on that side.

    Me: so its like rotating tires?

    It: i love you i will always love you.

    Me: you only love two things, your dick and your wallet.

    It: i love the kids!

    Me: you only love them cause you have too they are your kids.

    It: i never meant to hurt you it just happened.

    Me: yes you did and didnt care and this just didnt happen you let it.

    It: let me give you some relationship advice for the future.

    Me: i wont hear your relationship advice your bad at it.

    It: i hate myself, im deep in debt, i dont know what i want, im in pain, i should put a bullet in my head!! Wah, wah wah!

    Me: i didnt bring this down on our heads, you did, there are consequences for your actions. I have my pistol loaded go outside to shoot yourself im not cleaning up the mess!

    It: you never supported me i never get what i want!

    Me: i always supported you and always took a back seat to what you wanted the onc time i needed your support and understanding when going through a life changing experience you stuck your head in the sand!

    It: you dont understand i dont know what i what!

    Me: well i do fuckhead and
    it sure aint this! As soon as you buy this house im gone. Three weeks later i was.

    And dozens of others it took me about a year of finding to get my voice back but once i got made and became indifference i was on the road to healing. Love you guys!!!

    • kar marie, those are doozies, and you just reminded me, my Cheater said this word for word, too – “let me give you some advice for your next relationship, ” and just as he was about to blah blah bloviate, I put my palm up and said, “You can stop right there – I won’t be taking any ‘relationship advice’ from YOU!”

      wow they really do read this shit in the cheater playbook

    • Lol ?

      I get the same response and they change all the time.

      Her:I got why u being like that
      Me: like what

      Her:What are you saying to the kid, why don’t you let me speak to them.
      Me: I don’t say nothing a always tell the to call you they don’t want to. I can’t force them.

      Her: why should I believe you
      Me: err I not the one who lied and left. My words worhave more. And the kids have seen everything.

      HER : THINGS HAPPEN
      Me: no you made this happen not me.

      Her: Things don’t work out
      Me: no you did not want to work on anything.

      Her: The last time I tried to explain my story but you were shouting. I was scared.

      Me: There is no story you made your choice and I was not shouting you can’t just turn up random to my house and get kids to let you in. Why did you come back after 5 chance if you were so scared and sit on my house.

      HER: CHANCES DON’T MEAN NOTHING, I can’t forgot the past.

      Me: what past 15 years and 4 kids now you can’t forget the past after one argument 12 years ago now you choose to cheat and leave.

      Me: why you at the school contact my solicitors to make arrangements.

      Her; I can do what I want

      Me: I see has grandad got fed up of you funked up psycho shit. You can’t keep away from my face.

      Her: Cue the venomous rage and boom she let’s rip athe me in the playground pointing and calling me ugly and look at my face.

      Me: (angry) yes and you are a lying cheating whore and abandoned you children, whole school hears. But the look on her face was priceless. Stupid of Me to react back but by them I was mad.

      • My kids are grown but they heard alot espescially his stupid shit. The girl asked him if hed lost his mind and the boy asked him if he was doing drugs. He was by the way. They one he hated the most was me calling him a sniveling man child coward! He complained to the girl about it. She told him truth hurts dont it dad rough life being a playa aint it?

    • Me: i didnt bring this down on our heads, you did, there are consequences for your actions. I have my pistol loaded go outside to shoot yourself im not cleaning up the mess!

      I didn’t have the guts to say that when my ex told me he might as well kill himself if I wasn’t going to be friends with him. I just told him that no, we could both happily go on and live our own separate lives.

      • Karenk its not something i would ever really say and he was looking for sympathy from me for screwing up everything. After hearing him say he should just shoot himself everyday for eons i just blurted that out! He actually started laughing! Sick fuck!

  • satan (hands on hips, horns in full view, rage distorted red face): ‘WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT SHIT COST?!’
    Jeep (continuing to unpack new camera, binoculars and sweeper and ignore him): ‘Wellllll…I’m sure no where near all the hotel rooms, dinners, lunches and presents for your whores.’

    😀

  • Ex cheated on me for most of our 16 year marriage with at least 6 OW and 10 prostitutes. The OW he left me for was his employee, and such a good Christian woman she led Bible studies at her church, went on overseas mission trips, and cheated on her own husband with mine while hers was deployed in Afghanistan. One day as he dropped off our kids, he told me (with sad sausage face and voice) he had gone to visit his childhood pastor for a long talk. That inspired cheater, and he was going to start reading and studying the Bible, because “most people think they know what the Bible says but they really don’t and I’m going to see what God really wants me to do.” I usually don’t bite on his bait, but that time I couldn’t help but reply, “Let me save you some time and trouble. God doesn’t want you to be an asshole or to cheat. That’s on his Top 10 list.” I never heard about Bible study again.

    • Amen! Not cheating IS on his top ten list. Society takes adultery way too lightly nowadays. While, I’m glad that we don’t stone people anymore, there isn’t much of a punishment for adultery on this earth. Even being left isn’t much of a punishment for someone who cycles through girlfriends/boyfriends when married. And that could be a very bad thing when it comes to the soul of the cheater. When Jesus saved an adulterer from being stoned to death, He told her to go and sin no more. The whole point of not stoning people is to give them a chance to turn around and repent. Some people don’t repent until they experience consequences. According to scripture, there’s a whole crapload of consequences in the afterlife for continuing to be immoral and adulterous.

  • Loved today’s topic and sharing – it served to remind me of how awful and disordered my ex was (d day for 9 months and divorced for 5 months ) and how lucky I was to get away . No regrets and no looking back.

  • Cheater had an ad on the OurTime dating site within 2 days of the separation and while still living in the house(why I don’t know since he already had shmoopie). It said he wanted a woman who “wouldn’t sweat the small stuff”. I confronted him saying”what exactly is the “small stuff”–is it stealing half of our life savings or is it exposing me to god-knows-what diseases from your sluts or is it massive abuse?”…..crickets..POS..

  • Among the load of crap XH didn’t take away to his love nest with OW was a tacky girlie calendar hidden in his cupboard. He was familiar with Pride & Prejudice so I wrote an apparently innocuous message on it before returning it “Congratulations Mr and Mrs Wickham (a tacky spendthrift couple who embarrassed their families), may you have all the happiness you deserve”. i.e. None

  • STBX when caught said; “but I wasn’t married to you like you were to me”.
    Me,” so who was at the altar with me?”
    X, “I was having an out-of-body experience”
    Me, “well that’s better than the out-of-mind experience you are currently having”

    Of course, he didn’t get it. ?

    • Toomuch, LOL! Anyone who uses out-of-body experiences as excuses will never get anything! They REALLY must have brain damage.

  • Not a sassy retort to the cheater, but … ages ago, I read CL’s sister-in-law’s possible zinger to the OW, and it has stuck with me since, just waiting to be unleashed should the opportunity arise:

    “surely you must know what I think of you”.

    Mic drop. Walk away.

    That’s a classic.

    • I saw that as well and, should the ugly day arrive when I have to see OW again, it will make the day a little bit better. I hope you get to use it too!

    • I absolutely love this one and will get to use it for the woman who supposedly Did not have an affair with my husband! Apparently we get our hair done at the same place. She had her hair in foils and I was in the waiting room as she prepared to walk out the door, she turned and said something to us all. I realized about one minute later who it was and apparently she must have realized it also because the next day she put up this thing about working on yourself and shared actual pictures of someone else who had gone to a personal trainer friend of hers and made snarky comments that I’m pretty sure we’re directed directly to me. She also shared a song on FB around Christmas time saying she was looking for Christmas music and found this perfect gem. Oh.. the memories! ( It was a song about sex in the summer. Went into great detail.) Her latest to try and get to me was a movie she recommended and wrote wonderful thoughts on…. Was about a homeschool family (we were) who lived off the grid and the mom killed herself from being bi- polar! I do check her page at times to check on her under a friends page ( she has me blocked).. She puts up all bragging stuff for the most part but she allows her real crazy to come through at times which really comforts me…. lol. I actually had a good chuckle over the last one. I’m not bipolar and don’t plan on killing myself over what they’ve done!! She is a freak!!

  • Jackass used to talk about “the reasonable man test” used in legal cases. Would a “reasonable man” believe something or take a certain action. After I found the one-friend FB page, I sent him a FB message because, hey, that was his new method of communication. And I wrote a long list of his actions and followed them with “would a reasonable man believe that?” For example: You started a FB page and became friends with someone you’ve supposedly seen once in the past 30 years but didn’t send a friend request to your daughter, brothers, high school friends or me. Would a reasonable man believe that? His response: crickets.

    • I’m sure I’ve said some shit to the asshole, but something very vivid in my memory is the day I found out about his cheating. A friend called me to come over to show meh something. I was on the way out to shop with the kiddos and my mom, so I ran into her house where she showed me a pic of my husband hugging a butch with his hand in her ass.

      Hmm.. dropped the kids off at my mom’s and drive to his work.

      Walked in he says, ” hi this is a nice surprise!”

      Me..” really? Want to explain this?”

      Showed him the picture then slapped his face.

      Me..” pack your shit and get the fuck out… oh and you can tell the kids why you’re leaving.”

      Piece.of.shit.

  • In the early days, I DID spend quite a lot of time telling everyone I could find about exactly what he had been doing and supporting my stories with e-mail and photographic proof off his computer, that I had lifted legally, and had a right to, as a director of our company.

    Fortunately for me, he liked to brag to his buddies about his antics in glowing detail, so I had a lot of first hand accounts.

    He also liked to take photos of his whores, either the morning after, naked, holding their breasts, or during, while sucking his dick. He seemed to need to document things to prove his manhood. I still suspect, according to all the ladyboy porn I found, that he was a little shaky on manhood. He was morbidly obese and super hairy (like one of those barbed-wire monkeys), so anyone who knew him at all, seeing these photos of only the lower half of his body, would recognize it was him.

    Anyway, it probably wasn’t the best idea to print out a bunch of the dick sucking shots, and post them in the common areas of the townhouse/semi we shared with his mother, but dammit, the woman was a doormat, knew what he did was wrong, knew as a mother it was her job to set him straight, but was too scared to do so. So she tried to play Switzerland. I was trying to dislodge her from Switzerland.

    It never worked, but 4 years post d-day, now that the dust has settled, she sends me more and more frequent “wishing you and your family well on this holiday” e-mails.

    She is getting old and frail, and I now live in a different country, and he is all she has, but I do sense remorse and sadness from her. I respond with cordial e-mails and tell her a little about my life now. I figure she either needs to hear happy, sane stories of my life after getting free, or she is reporting back to her son. Either way, we are financially done and divorced, so there can be no recourse, and I have a home, a new love, and genuine happiness, so they can take that and suck on it for awhile.

    Living well after Chumpdom is the best revenge. And I do. I don’t think about them and that life at all on a daily basis, but I’m quite happy for them to know I’m happy, if they want.

    Part of me does hope that my living well also filters through to his ex-fiancé from before me, who got wind of the fact he was cheating on her and got drunk one night and chased him around the table with a carving knife, which “ended” their relationship (although who knows?)

    Not surprisingly, she resurfaced as a “friend” shortly after d-day. One day when I walked by them in the common hallway, with mom-in-law’s dog, who I was still walking, and he grabbed the dog violently throwing her inside and telling me not to walk her anymore, and I was so angry at him throwing the dog that I started hurling insults about his behavior at him, the ex fiancé yelled, “Dances, you need to get over yourself! All men cheat! Just deal with it!”

    It was an aha moment for me of realizing that men cheat because they can. So you have to get out and let them know it’s not ok. Not enough people today are strong enough to do that, but we chumps are getting there.

    Did I mention that this ex fiancé of his had subsequently had a long affair (like 15 years) with a rich married guy who later ended up killing himself? This girl was 53 at the time, never married, because she couldn’t find the right guy… so it was then it hit me:

    I glared at her and said, “you know what? If that’s what you believe (all men cheat), then that’s exactly what you’re gonna get! Certainly explains why you’re 53, desperate to get married, and can’t find a husband!” Then I dropped the mic and walked away.

    That day changed something in my head, and I was strong enough to leave after that.

    I don’t wonder at all about either of them, and do not discuss him with ex mother-in-law, because I don’t want to know. I do however still feel sorry for her, and communicate occasionally when she contacts me. She’s old and feeble, and I hope it cheers her up a bit to hear about my better life now. I think we’re both glad one of us at least was able to get out!

    • tequilatamm

      That’s one heck of a post! I like your style!!
      And yes I too believe they cheat because they can. That’s it.

      I have absolutely no comebacks to report (apart from the perennial fuck off, fuck you and what the fuck) When I actually started listening to my STBX I just realised that if ever anyone needed to see what the best goldfish impression looked like then I was the one to show them. So many times I just stood there either listening or reading texts and would just begin a reply but my thoughts were so scrambled I never got past that point.

      Now I try to remain as NC as possible so my goldfish impression is not often called on.
      ?

  • CL, I have an issue that “speaking truth to stupid is un-meh”. Actually, I think it’s an exercise that refines our pickers and helps us dissipate our spackle haze. Like MJB’s reverse-UBT.

    And, as you say, it feels so damn good. I am having so much fun today.

    I’ve related this zinger before, but here goes again since it is special for today:
    Cheater and I are at court trying to reach an agreement and he’s twisting facts (= lying), which, one after the other, are being exposed by me and my lawyers. That felt good enough, but then cheater comes up with: “You can trust me!” (They really must have a brain disease).

    And I reply “Please tell me how one goes about trusting a cheater!”. That startled his lawyer, but cheater replies “But I’m NOT a cheater!” (They REALLY must have a brain disease).

    So I answer in a snarky tone “Oh yeah, so (OW’s complete name) is a cybernetic, intergalactic mirage”.

    LOTS of sniggers from everyone, and his poor lawyer (a young girl, BTW), looks down at her lap.

  • Keeping in mind that he had countless affairs for more than two decades, a massive porn issue, and other disordered fuckwit behaviors ….

    In sad-sausage form, he was lamenting that it all bothered me so much since it was just sex (he didn’t actually “care” about the women).

    My response: “Oh, so you threw away your family for the smallest appendage on your body.”

    For some reason, that one seemed to hit a nerve. 😉

  • The last talk, when he had the last of his things from the house, he said “This had nothing to do with you.”

    I said, “Of course it didn’t. I’m fucking fabulous.”

    When he tried to play the sad sack to get me to comfort him for being so stupid as to fuck up his life, I said, “Oh no fucking way. I’m done filling your emotional holes while you run around filling whores’ holes.”

    When I found out about the 2nd whore. “I’m sure these whores were stalking my Facebook and instagram and getting excited, thinking what a nice ride he gives her – trips, dinners, a nice house – I want to jump on that train. Well, I’m the fucking conductor of this ride. You’re the caboose and I’m cutting you off. See how interesting those bitches find you now.”

    And my favorite. When I confronted him for the first time, when he had no idea that I knew, he was watching the Eagles game and as stalked up to him he said, “Can’t sleep because the TV is too loud?”

    I said, “No I can’t sleep because my husband is a piece of shit cheating coward who can’t fuck his own wife properly but can fuck some married whore with two kids.” The look on his face was priceless.

    • “The look on his face was priceless.”: I would have loved to see it.

      “I’m done filling your emotional holes while you run around filling whores’ holes”: huge belly laugh. Priceless. In my repertoire if the occasion comes up.

    • I also told him that he is him or one of his whores fucks with me that I’ll ‘go gone girl on you’, but I stole that line from Office Christmas Party. lol

  • I don’t have many, because I am the queen of thinking up the perfect response well after the perfect moment for delivering it has passed.

    But, for awhile, cheater boy was insisting that it was my responsibility to tell the children that I was at least fifty percent responsible for the demise of our marriage. They needed to know, according to him, that my flaws and failures were the real problem. This was key, he argued, so that he could have a great relationship with each of them ever after.

    I said two things.

    1) It is not my responsibility to manage or repair your relationships with the kids. Your actions have consequences. I can’t fix or erase them for you, and I won’t try.

    2) If you want to tell the kids this was all my fault, go right on ahead. Good luck with that.

    That theme ended, then.

    • Cashmere, doesn’t it make you sick to think that you married and had children with a guy capable of this disgustingly dishonest reasoning? My cheater makes me sick in that sense.

      I have not slept in two days because cheater’s last antic is to explain to the judge that his debts are caused by supporting our grown sons (who work, had scholarships and live frugally). Not a word about how much money he has been spending on OW, fancy cars, climbing up mountains with professionl equipment and professional guitars.

      By law I’m supposed to divide all debts with him UNLESS I can prove they were not made to the benefit of the family.

      • Why is your lawyer not issuing a subpoena for his bank statements, credit card statements, etc.? Get the documents and truth will out.

        • They are!
          Pitbulls. Thanks to CL and CN I changed my attorneys.

          That’s why cheater is desperate and using these ridiculus arguments! His assets are frozen and he can’t pay his debts or sell his damns fancy cars to pay them. But it makes me furious that he is using our children to look good in his stupid debts.

  • I’ve got two.
    1) Apparently, days or even hours after she left me for Prince Cheating, their relationship blew up (insert Chump Lady’s wonderful picture of “I haz a sad.”) About a month later, when picking up the kids she said
    Her: “I want to go back to talk to the marriage counselor.”
    Me: “To talk about what?”
    Her: “I think I gave up on you too soon.”
    I laughed out loud.
    She tried again. “I want to mend things for the kids.”
    Me: “I’m not so sure I want to go back.”
    Her: “May I ask why?”
    Me: “You’re a serial cheater. You’re kind of a bad bet.”
    At this, she briskly exited the house.

    2) I can’t take credit for this. I got it from a movie.
    She texted me that she was concerned I had introduced the kids to bad influences, or something like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. It turned out her “concern” was that I was dating a girl that came with us to a party. (I wasn’t at the time, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.) I texted back this:
    “That’s really none of your business. In fact, I’m reminded of a line from ‘Liar Liar:’ ‘I have a lot of catching up to do. When we were married, I wasn’t having sex nearly as often as you were.'”

  • Sometime after he left, he told me,”I know I ruined your and daughter’s lives.” I looked him in the eye and said,” You’re not that powerful.” By that time daughter and I were actually quite relieved to have him out of the house.??????

  • It: but you have to move my work is here i cant move it read wont move it. Smoopie and i will pay your rent forever i want you close in case you need me! Yeah thats a match made in heaven.

    Me: nope your not putting mom in a home so she is safe and you can go play. Bite me both of you.

    It: but but but i am still in love with you and want us to stay best friends!

    Me: nope you made it clear i wasnt good enough to be your wife ergo not good enough to be your friend. With friends like you who needs enemies!

    It: if i dont have you in my life somehow my life is gonna be miserable til i die!! Please be my friend!

    Me: uh no. You are a coward and a cheat plus a big ole fat liar someone who appreciates that deserves you. Key whore juice.

    It: i want you to be happy!

    Me: i hope you have the life you deserve!

    I love these today. So many!

    Where they are concerned
    stay indifferent my friends!!

  • Him: “OW is my wife, now, and you need to respect her.”

    Me: “That’s fair, she is your wife. I will give her just as much respect as you and her gave to me when I was your wife.”

    He was rushed to the hospital while on a trip with OW. He texted me to let him know he was going in for emergency surgery. Initially I was concerned, expressed some bare bones well wishes and asked what it was. After no response for 4 days and not knowing if he was alive or dead I reached out to his mother to ask if she knew what was going on. She told me he had abscessed anal polyps that needed to be removed.

    So I texted him “How did the doctor know where to perform your anal polyp surgery since you are just one giant walking asshole?” That one ended up getting read aloud in court and even my lawyer laughed aloud.

  • Years ago, before DDay #1 when I knew something was off but not what it was, my now ex made some passing comment about who would get what if we divorced and I came back with “Just keep in mind that no matter what the circumstances, if we divorce YOU will have to deal with your mother (horrible evil narc that she is) all by yourself. She won’t be my problem anymore.” We were just kidding around at the time (I thought) but I will never forget how that comment stopped him dead in his tracks with a look of utter horror on his face. Ah, sweet memory. I still think about that whenever her birthday or Mother’s Day roll around. She’s not my monkey and they’re not my circus ever again.

    • Ah yes, that was one of the best parts about the divorce – knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with the passive-aggressive, covert narc, x-MIL any more. She was a cheat and an AP and taught cheater x everything he knows about cheating in a marriage.

  • At mediation:

    Mediator:

    Her, to mediator: “I don’t even want this divorce!”

    Mediator, turning to me with a confused, quizzical expression:

    Me: “I do.”

    Doesn’t sound so withering and you kinda had to be there, but it was quite a moment.

  • STBXH and I were discussing the resale of all of the items I couldn’t take in my tiny POD as I was planning to get the hell up outta the home that he dragged me across the country to live in for two years where he released the Serial Cheater within himself….It turned out that Craigslist was his favored source of affair partners….

    Me: “Well, there are a lot of FB resale groups to post items on. I’ll recommend some to you if you want. Craigslist is a good place to sell too, but I know that you already know how to navigate that website.”

  • I had to evict POP (Predatory Opportunistic Parasite) from my home. He brought 3 ‘new friends’ to move his stuff out. He did NOTHING to help–just swanned around trying to give off the air of ‘see why I left her?’ as they took his possessions out. He took every opportunity to insult me but his brother who was also there shut him down every time.

    As it was winding down, POP told me he wanted his can opener. “Oh, let me get that for you”, I said pulling open the drawer. “Here, I don’t need or want it….like you, IT DOESN’T WORK.”

    His brother and the minions heard every word.

  • He refused to say the words, “Happy Birthday”. I hadn’t expected anything-having failed to yet recognize he was the cheapest person I had ever encountered and he had milked me for what he could get for a long, long time, never giving an iota of anything in return- an extraordinary user I had failed to allow myself to see. So little to give, can it even be considered giving, by saying the words, “Happy Birthday?” So I asked him, piqued like an explosion inside my head, why he refused to say the words, “Why won’t you say Happy Birthday?” (know reader he had deceived me as being a single man and I had learned he was not-lived with Irene, and I was planning my exit, as he would not go away when asked to just leave me alone) These are his exact words of explanation, “Irene told me never to say happy birthday to a woman over 39.” My immediate reply was, “And did Irene ever tell you not to cheat on her?” Crickets. And I never saw him or spoke to him again.

  • The cheater denied his “good friend” who he brought to our house, slept over, was in fact the OW. When I had it, and tried to stand up for myself, told him you can’t bring her to “our” home, while I am still living here, (this was a few weeks after he told me he didn’t love me anymore”) he said:

    CHEATER: “You can’t do that! She’s going through a really tough time with her boyfriend. You’re sabotaging us!”

    ME: “Oh, so you two are an US?”

    Cue dumb look.

    Funny, he didn’t see doing that to me as sabotaging OUR relationship. They deserved each other.

    Wonder what he told her that made it ok in her mind to fuck around in our living room while I was crying in the bedroom? That I was just a “roommate.” HA!

  • I haven’t had many opportunities for retorts because he is generally too careful in what he says but he was a bit more careless last summer just after D-Day when he was in the hormone induced fog and not even pretending to be rational anymore. We were in a restaurant discussing the particulars of our separation (he had just decided to move out) and he told me that Schmoopie was on a dating site and going on dates with other men while also dating him and still living at home with her husband who had also gone out and found himself a new girlfriend. He looked and me and said “you should go on a dating site and find a boyfriend too”. My response was “No thanks, somebody in all of this has to maintain some sense of dignity”. I still can’t believe that’s the pool he wants to dive into because he thinks it is the key to his happiness. The next morning I also said the following although it wasn’t in response to anything he had said: “Any time you screw her while we are still married you are being a selfish prick”.
    Another instance is when he tried to convince me an open marriage was the solution to our problems and I told him “I don’t want a marriage that is just on paper”.
    I speak the truth, but he doesn’t want to listen.

  • I’ve posted this before… here goes:

    At BD, xh calmly paced around the bedroom, explaining to me “how things were going to go” in the divorce. First, “for the sake of our kids”, I was going to sign over the house and he was going to remove me from the mortgage – for free! because he was the only one who could afford it. {Awww, gee!, WHAT A PRIZE}
    Secondly, he was going to go ahead and process a Catholic annulment of our marriage of 30 years. He was telling me I was going to “go along” with it.

    He slowly, said to me as if I were a child, “I have decided. I am comfortable with my decision. I don’t know if I will get an annulment, BUT I HAVE to at least try!” With such self pity and drama. Mind you he didn’t know I knew about OW.

    “Annulment?!?!?” I said. “Do you think I’m going to go up and lie to a tribunal? Do you think I’m going to lie to Father W*^N3 and a Nun to their faces?!?!?!”

    “Why wouldn’t you?” he replied, “you would benefit, too!!!”

    I was stunned. The only thing I could think of was to say “Lie to a Catholic Priest? Do I LOOK like I want to get fried with a lighting bolt in the parking lot of the church?”

    He just stood there. Staring. Two weeks later I got a reply letter in the mail from our Mortgage company, telling him that he simply could not “remove” one party from a two party mortgage without a clean deed.

    What a psycho.

    • Funny. He was the big holy roller who complained that I did not want to attend church enough. He was a big 4th degree Knight of Columbus, making me a de facto Lady Knight.
      When it came down to basic morals and beliefs, I was the one who would not even consider looking another in the eye and lie to benefit myself.
      …..but, HE of course, was the superior religious one.

    • Really weird reasoning: he’s worried about getting an annulment exactly for what purpose? To be a good Catholic and not live in sin? But will LIE to get it?

      And after 30 years of marriage? But maybe you could get an annulment after 30 years of marriage if you had his brain scan made on the day you were married.

      • He sounds like he’s more concerned about impressing people than God. I’m sure he probably wants to get married in the Catholic church just for show. I feel bad for whomever his next victim (I mean wife) is…

    • When the plan was to leave me for Susan of Seattle, he was determined to get an annulment too. He had also lied to Priests and Deacons along the way.

      We later wreckonciled (under false pretenses, him never admitting the extent of his treachery) but he insisted that our marriage was sacramentally invalid. I wept and begged him to get our marriage blessed so that we could have the blessings of a sacramental Catholic union and he refused. (Actually he said he would but made me wait 5 years and then refused).

      About a year after he had promised to have our marriage blessed, he made some “cage rattling” comments about leaving me that were ass-bastard mean. I was still smoking hopium (but had saved $ in my “escape fund”) and asking God to heal our marriage. He then dropped dead.

      It was about 2 years after he died that I learned more of the full truth although I will never get it all. Maybe not NEVER…I kinda wonder if maybe part of his penance will be having to tell me what he did when I get to Purgatory. I dont think I want to see him, but I dont know how God plans to work this out. I trust God on this one, not H1.0.

  • Mr Fab (who had ghosted me for a year, cheated for at least ten) “I only cheated because you are frigid.”

    Meh: “A primary objective criteria for getting it on with your wife is getting in bed with her while she is awake.”

    Five minutes later, I kicked him out.

    Actually, the best retort I ever gave Mr Fab, thanks to Chump Nation, is silence.

  • When he said: ” I am at war! Everyday we’re being pounded by mortar.”
    I said: “You are in an office, the only thing being pounded everyday is Slut Captain’s pussy.”

    When he said: “I don’t think I loved you when I married you.”
    I said: “I am certain I don’t love you right now and never will again.”

    When he said: “Of course I wanted to fuck an escort who was nineteen and thin! Have you considered why she wants to fuck me?”

    I said: ” Because $800 dollars? And studies show teenager’s brains are not yet fully developed?”

  • Last Saturday he was saying his goodnights to the kids and our daughter asked him why he was not planning to have Easter dinner with the family. He admitted he going to have dinner with Schmoopie. I almost said “sounds lonely” but as the daughter was there I decided to hold my tongue. I almost sent a text saying “have a lousy Easter”, but again I held back. I could no longer hold back after receiving the following “I am not really a jerk” text, however:

    I am sorry that I left on a sour note – I’m trying not to be mean, that’s another thing that my aunt told me FWIW

    I’ll work harder to handle questions like those from daughter more thoughtfully.

    I also forgot to mention that I got some small bills from the bank, if you need those for allowances just let me know please and I’ll set them aside.

    My responses:

    The problem is not how I find out and how I handle it, the problem is that you ever got into a relationship with her at all.

    I also don’t know why she wants someone who has so much in common with her X (STBX thinks he is a jerk because he cheated on Schmoopie).

    Great role model for you.

    Devaluing me, betraying me, and discarding me was mean.

    I had a lot more to say, but figured it was time to go back to being silent because pointing out the truth to him does no good and I should just have ignored his text, but that was the second such “I am trying to be nice to you” kind of text I had gotten in less than a week and I just needed to tell him “no, you are still a jerk”.

  • Pinhead: I AM NOT GAY.
    Comic: Well, we must have different definitions of “Gay”, then. My definition of “Gay” includes hooking up with men from Craiglist. What’s yours? Never mind, ‘Ben Dover’, I actually don’t give a shit what yours is.

  • Mine wasn’t so much a statement as it was a repetitive action. While we were separated and I was still living in the marital home, I researched the most fattening ice cream sold in America. As luck would have it, it was also her favorite flavor… Haagen Daaz Chocolate Peanut Butter… at around 340 calories and 24 grams of fat (10 grams saturated) per serving. I then shopped at all the local stores and bought it often whenever it was on sale. I would then start the ice cream by just eating a little off the top, leaving it in the freezer and then let her polish off all of it… thinking that I was having some as well. Unknowingly, she was consuming at least 2 pints a week… She ate over a full pound of fat from ice cream in about a month.

    I had a group text with a few friends where I would chronicle the consumption of ice cream… with the Queen lyrics, “Another bites the dust.” That was my revenge… getting her nice and fat for schmoopie.

  • Me: “It never fails to amaze me how much I overestimated you”

    The best part? The way his face went from smiling (because at first he thought I gave him a compliment)….to it melting into confusion and then anger.

  • My best zinger is courtesy of a guy I used to date, but I hope it provides a laugh.

    He took me to a bowling alley with some of his friends, where there happened to be some whore he knew.

    He proceeded to get drunk and make out with her right on front of me…..his friends were apologizing for him. It was the kind of thing people look at and wonder if they’re really seeing what they think they’re seeing.

    I excused myself to use the restroom and left (I’d driven myself, thank God).

    Didn’t speak to him until a few months later I got a phone call from him where he simultaneously apologized and made excused and said he hoped I was doing ok, blah blah. I think the scumbag was phishing.

    I stopped him and told him not to worry about it because he simply wasn’t that important.

    He hung up and i never spoke to him again.

  • Mine said that is whore was a “remarkable woman.” I replied, “Yes all remarkable women fuck married men with children.” He just sighed like I didn’t get it.

    He also said, “Stop telling our daughter I made wrong choices, let her grow up and decide.” I said, “Ok, I’ll let you tell her that cheating and lying are good choices, so far it’s working well for you.”

    Asshole.

  • Ooh, another one.

    Mr Fab was insisting on my signing his legal parental rights (we weren’t married, and the law of his native land changed when kiddo was six.)

    Mr Fab, “Why didn’t you make me sign the paper when the law changed?” (He never asked)

    Meh, “Being neither XXXXXIsh or her father, I am not capable.”

  • Well mine had asked for a divorce in March 2014 with no real good reason after 39 years of marriage and four children and five grandchildren. So is a new hobby was rollerskating and in May 2014 he announced that he was going away for the weekend to New York State to skate in the world largest roller rink. Said his to skating buddies were going along also known as his fuck buddy….miss roller tits. I looked at him and said well that’s very appropriate since you’re the biggest asshole in the world. Turns out he was cheating with her for an entire year before he asked me for a divorce. We’re still in court after owning a business together for 33 years I’m finding out what a truly horrible person he really is.

    • Really old guys who hang out at roller rinks are the ickiest if the ickies. Im so sorry you had to watch him descend into that and I hope you are free soon. !

    • Wow, 42 your story sounds like my Aunt’s story! My uncle met his Schmoopie rollerskating! That was their thing and they would enter contests together. They had a business for like 40 years. My Aunt divorced him and eventually the Schmoopie and the Uncle married. And now? Uncle passed in January. Me thinks that Schmoopie won’t be hanging around the town much longer. My Aunt is beloved and it’s a very small town.

  • Oh man. There were a couple but the one I remember the most (I’ve told this story in another context) is after a grueling day of mediation in separate rooms we were brought into the same room with our lawyers and mediator to record the agreement. My x’s lawyer put on record that he disagreed with the agreement (leverage is something) and at the end they asked if there was anything else and I very politely said that since I was keeping the house I would like to move back into the master bedroom. I had been in the guest room for over 10 months. Everyone looked at me like I had completely lost my mind. My x agreed. That night, I joyfully (not) went back to the master bed and went to bed. At midnight, my x walks into the bedroom and in one fell swoop yanks all the covers off the bed and me and stalks angrily into the guest room with my bedding trailing behind him. He slams the door. I walk in and say “what the fuck”, you have covers. He angrily retorts “If you don’t like it, sue me”. My retort was “I just did”.

  • Ex: “We just don’t belong together anymore. You’re too strong of a woman for me.”
    Dee: “So…… now you like your women weak?”
    Ex: (cue rage) “I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!”
    Dee: (cue smirk) “Oh, I think you just did.”

    Ex: “I hate that you’re a professor! Sometimes you use big words and it’s annoying.”
    Dee: “So…. now you like your women dumb?”
    Ex: (cue rage) “I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!”
    Dee: (cue smirk) “Oh, I think you just did.”

    I could go on…. It was such fun to twist his criticisms of me and lob insults on his Schmoopie.

    • He always used to say I used big words. Halloooooo – no I just got past sixth grade English. Well one time we were playing a game with his family where you were given definitions of a word and your team had to guess the correct definition. Frankly it was ridiculously easy but then I made it to seventh grade. He told me to whisper a big word to him, but one that he would understand. So I whispered “marmalade”. That didn’t go down too well but ….

  • I had a few good ones this time around, but after I got the “it just happened routine” I said “That is such bullshit. Things like this don’t just happen. What are you? Dr. Zhivago?”

    My favorite moment though was when Chumpy me finally stood up for herself and in the middle of him telling one of his lies just looked at him and said “I don’t believe you” Sadly, that moment was years in the making.

  • My cheater opened the paper from his fortune cookie.
    He read it out. “You will find something you lost.”
    I said, “Oh, like your integrity?”

    He went very quiet…

  • After the divorce, my ex-wife was angry I refused to file taxes jointly for the previous year, in order to save her money.

    I replied: “If you’re upset, you should try sleeping with one of your co-workers. It seems to have worked wonders for you before.”

    • dslak – Been separated over a year. My tax guy advised me to file separately. STBX was sooo angry and pissed and went off the rails – as I did not consider him! Cussed me out – how I did not consider him!! It’s half his house!

      Well, he’s not considering me and our daughter wanting to stay in the house. He wants it sold to get cash to maintain his expensive new life with expensive toys and pregnant girlfriend. He doesn’t consider me when he says how he’s selling the house and he can’t wait to see what I’ll do…..(evil to the core)

      I’m like, oh yeah, and all the times I was ‘considered’ when he was at hotel and our house doing schmoopie. I wish I could’ve gone banging on the Hyatt hotel door screaming, “You aren’t considering me!” LOL

      It’s half my marriage and that got thrown in the toilet. I wasn’t considered for the half of my marriage.

      They are so asinine. They mus be considered for all things after they destroyed a family with lies and deceit, the list goes on – but we better ‘consider’ them so THEY can get benefits!

  • Ex Husband fuckwit: “I can only hope and pray that you can one day be as happy as I am now”
    Me: “Go suck your girfriends dick”

    • Now this is one for my personal chump wisdom archives. Honestly, although my contact is limited to college tuitions discussions only, I will keep this retort in my pocket. Exquisite in its truth/vulgarity/power!!!

    • I get this type of shit from my STBX (actually he says similar things to the kids, too). We all just go silent.

  • During an argument after our divorce, he threw it up in my face that he knew that I had gone on a date two weeks after our divorce was final in which he said, “Well, it didn’t take you long to move on.”

    My reply, “I guess I should have moved on in your time limit, but that would have entailed me fucking other men while I was married to you. My bad”

    • My husband is a great guy and he was so terrified that if he dated soon after the divorce that she would accuse him of impropriety and try to keep him from his daughter. Sweet thing was so traumatized that he didnt have a date for years.

  • One incident
    Months after divorce and his move out I saw Narkles the Clown in a parking lot. I was calm as could be. As per No Contact, the path to the truth and the light, I ignored him. That made him unhappy.

    He started yelling “So what, now you’re going to pretend you don’t know me?”
    My response “You do look like someone I used to know but it turns out I didn’t know that guy at all.” Door close, key on ignition, buh bye.

    • +10000 –
      Before I changed my last name – people would ask if I knew my ex and I said no, I don’t know him.

      • I went back to my maiden name but had to call the telephone people up at work to get it changed. So while I had them on the phone I told them I was having difficulty removing speed dial numbers. So the guy talked me through it “do you want me to remove “mom”? So I said “yes please, she died a year ago”. “So what about EX?” So I said “yes please but no such luck, he’s still alive”. There was an embarrassed silence on the other end of the phone but my colleagues roared.

  • I have 2 comebacks that got him so mad (so- they were clearly successful)

    1. Our marital house sold, and we had 2 weeks till closing and I was already with kids in another state. He did nothing to handle the move despite him still living closeby and the company paying for the move. He did not want me to know details of relocation benefit, but did nothing to arange the move!….Anyway, my attorney told me to go myself and get it done. I did. When a college kid learned I was there with moving truck, she told dad. He was LIVID- went off on college kid and realtor too. Realtor defended me- Dude, the house sold. You would not respond to me, you have to be out and close in under 2 weeks. I called Free2beme and she is handling it….

    He finally texts me, “You should have told me!” I responded. Ha, that’s my line to you Cheater!

    2. I broke no contact on a day he was particularly angry, hateful and relentless in emails and text and I found out he started on one of the kids too. It was a year into the separation and I was learning more and more of how deep and far and wide the betrayal was. That night, I wrote him a long email-Subject: Seems like you really want a response- Here you go. It was very though-out on my part. I put him in his place with no name calling- just straight unadulterated truth. My truth. I added facts he had to be shocked I knew about and never said a thing about before. Wrapped it up with You stole my life… Last lines were You’re a fake, and a fraud, and one big STEP OFF, #$%&.

    I decided to use his own words to me that he sent that day saying he would never support me with the kids becuase I was not “supporting him” punishing a daughter in the way he demanded. He threatened me, you do what I say or I will never support you, NEVER AGAIN!!!!!

    So I wrote, You’re Right, NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!! then I signed it with a pic of one of his less-attractive tattoed and rough looking whores with a fake stripper name who had a nasty pic of herself on FB giving the middle finger (classy FB pic!). I had taken a screenshot for the attorney, but decided her giving him the finger was the best salutation for this email ever. He did not think I knew anything other than he had one affair…the gig was up and I had the upper hand now- the imbalance of power was now shifting in my favor- finally! He went silent for a long time.

  • Another incident….
    It was early days. He was still living in the house and refused to leave. I was sitting on the sofa reading and he starts in with some charm offensive about not using expensive lawyers. I stuck to guns as calm as I could repeadly saying he didn’t need to get a lawyer but I had one already. His face started to tense up and I rolled my eyes.
    Narkles: What?
    AOK: you didn’t get your way by using charm, will you be switching to self-pity at this point or rage?
    Narkles: non sensical screaming about how I am wasting money
    AOK: oh, you went with rage, (returns to reading and ignores)

    So glad I found Chump Lady in the first 24 hours.

  • These are all so fantastic! I wish I could reply to each one to tell you how great you are. I’m a quick thinker and could probably come up with amazing zingers but my four months in wreckonciliation hell somehow just left me so sad I rarely fired back (mostly because I was still a newlywed and I hadn’t told anyone about his affairs except my BFF).

    I’m sure there were a few more in there, but the very last exchange we had in person (and we’ve pretty much been NC ever since I moved back home) was when I was packing up and Deadfool came by to make sure I wasn’t messing with any of his precious comics or hoarded crap.

    His mom had shown up, probably to make sure he didn’t do anything crazy, she seemed on my side. And my little sister had flown in to help me move; she was sitting there with a “Don’t even, motherfucker” look on her face.

    He was walking out the door with his last check from his job of 15 years (idiot got himself fired for sucking at his job before I could expose him for sleeping with subordinates) and he was mad that I’d told the TWO FRIENDS I’d made while living there why I was leaving so abruptly. He said, “You’re out slandering me all over town!”

    I calmly replied, “It isn’t slander if it’s the truth.”

    Not a fiery comeback, but somehow it felt so much better because I was in control and he had absolutely nothing to say back to me in front of his mother, who had this look of absolute shame on her face.

    • “It’s not slander if it’s true” = that’s what I said as well (when x came home after D-day and said, “I see you’re spreading that slander that I fucked my sister when she was a child).

      I had told our minister.

      Who x was blowing.

      I used to be pretty funny but this experience has tamped down my quick-wittedness. I am so much quieter and sadder. Several “friends” have distanced themselves because, as one said, “You hardly ever laugh anymore.”

      I really have to fix my picker.

      • When I finally got divorced, one of my friends said “you got your smile back”. Hey it was there all the time – it just got buried alive. Who wudda thunk?

  • When confronted with his continual lying –

    Prince Charming – with tears streaming down his face – “I don’t want people to think I am a bad person”
    Me – “So exactly what part of lying to your wife and everyone else you know, let alone fucking another woman while you are still married to me not make you a bad person?”
    Prince Charming – “We had to protect her reputation”
    Me – “Well this should enhance her reputation as being a slimy cunt who would befriend a woman and then fuck her husband”
    Prince Charming – crickets – still crying
    Me – “Come to think of it – you never deserved our children – nor me. I hope you rot in hell.”

  • Him: she (lunch-pump) was a good listener.
    Me: that’s because your dick was in her mouth all the time.
    Him: confused silence

    Him: I didn’t want to be seen in public with her, she dressed like shit. Always wore Capri cargo pants.
    Me: with reinforced knees? Makes sense.
    Him: confused silence

    Him: she respects family. You have always hated my family.
    Me: so lying to her husband & kids, you lying to me and the kids, plus risking your family’s business while you both lie to your mother and sister is respecting family? thats why I hate your family, they taught you shit like that and you all believe it.
    Him: mentally doing the disrespect math, then confused silence.