You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?
The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?
She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?
You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.
And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.
Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the perfect withering zinger at exactly the perfect moment…
…And it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.
They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?
I realize speaking truth to stupid is un-meh, yet I’ve never regretted a good zinger. When I wrote my book, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.
“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:
“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”
So today tell me what Stupid Shit your cheater said — and your reply.
And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)
Get uppity, chumps!
I ran this contest before, but we always need more sassy back talk. Lay it on me!