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Gift Registries for Cheaters?

By popular demand, inspired by yesterday’s column, your fun Friday challenge is to create a wedding gift registry for your cheating ex and their Schmoopie — not the Eucalyptus Leave Napkin Rings they really want — but what they deserve. Or may actually need.

For example, Schmoopie marries guy who is 23 years older? A box of Depends. High blood pressure cuff? A pre-paid subscription to AARP?

Or you can riff on Nomar’s suggestions from yesterday — cheap mall lingerie, burner cell phones, and box wine. For that continuing double life.

Not a terrible meh contest, but hey, if you’re living this nightmare in real time you deserve your gallows humor. And just remember, people who marry their affair partners deserve what they get — themselves. It really is the worst punishment. You chumps just rock on.

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Well X dropped his MOW once I found out so not sure. Registry probably not needed…but feel free send condoms and other cheating related items to her happy family home. The sooner her husband works out who she is the better. Maybe he’ll leave her sorry arse and take the kid’s with him.

    • Well, cheaters marry eventually, because they crave cake, but at least yours is not still with OW. I feel sorry for her Chumpy husband who does not know his wife screws other men. He is a poor, unfortunate soul.

    • My ex would get his and hers “Validate Me!” neon signs and two twee ukuleles to strum forever together! Maybe also a metronome and auto tune to help lessen the musical abomination that results from their frequent collaborations.

      Ps- RollerSkater- the other woman in my case is married with three young children. Her poor damn husband won’t even consider the possibility that his wife is actively involved with my ex and others from what I hear. We tried , gave proof , offered condolences. He says we’re all nuts. Maybe someday he’ll come to his senses

      • I was like that. I was living in a different world. I think it has to do with perception.
        Or with some kind of enlightenment that comes with life experience. I think these 2 are related, in the sense that our reality and our perception at a certain point in time is matching the lesson we need to experience.
        The moment I figured out who my husband was, my reality came crashing down.
        My life seemed almost perfect up until that point. I felt secure, protected…
        If someone came to tell me this and that, I would have laughed.
        Even when I had the evidence in front of me, I looked at it and could not see it. It took me time.

        It’s not his time yet. You did your part: presented him with evidence. Now let it be. It will come to him at the right time.

      • When I was young I dated someone like this. My first love. What I found out he was cheating on me with two other woman. But the thing is… he’d prepped them in advance to say I was psycho. I had no idea. I had two jobs, lived in another city. 2 of us got out of the relationship after the drama. But the 3rd girl was set on believing him. He had laid the ground work. Perhaps your ex said it’s a huge conspiracy and everyone’s jealous of her… he’s buying what she’s selling. Even though you had proof.

  • Brown undies and butt plugs.
    For those you don’t know the story the traitor was downloading porn from twodicksinoneass dot com while I was in town picking up his son and taking him to swimming. So what has she got that I ain’t got? 2….

    • Thank you, kiwichump. You’ve answered the question “what has she got?” Hilarious. That’s always the first question. You have the answer. SOOO satisfying to read.

    • Hahahahahaha Kiwi! This made my morning! What is it with these weirdos and anal?? My ex who absolutely refused to have a prostate exam could NOT understand my revulsion at the thought of anal sex. I finally told him that when he let me shove a dildo up his ass and could honestly say he enjoyed it, then I would consider. Apparently he thought the better plan was to find some strippers who would do anything for money. Okay then. Have at it.

      • Our cheaters must have been twins and you and I could be too . I told him almost the same thing except I said to account for the size difference between us the dildo would have to be twice as big as the normal ones and rammed in by someone who weighed 200kg. He never appreciated my humour…

        • Make that triplets…. It’s the diet of porn & prostitutes that eventually makes them hardwired this way.

        • My rump is “exit only.” Anyone who tries to shove a love toy up it- will get punched in the face.

          • Your screen name makes this comment all the more true and now hilarious.

      • Not to detract from the levity of today’s post, but (butt?) thanks for putting some of this issue to rest for me. When I was sixteen, I was raped and sodomized — you know the story, probably should have gone to police & hospital but instead sat around and bled for a couple of days then went back to school — so anal sex was never a desirable option for me. Still, I wanted to be a good partner to him, so if it was something XH truly wanted, then I was willing to try. HOWEVER, I insisted he allow me to finger him first, to see if he liked it — No WAY!! He was horrified!! And I said, “But you want to insert something much bigger than that into MY anus?” I mean, here, at least, anatomically, we were equal (relatively) and what wasn’t pleasant for him (especially him having a prostate) wouldn’t be pleasant for me. — No empathy, those guys.

        (Point is, thanks for helping put to rest the notion that my unwillingness to “go anal” was part of the demise of my marriage.)

        • I’m so sorry you went through Hell … only to have to deal with an asshat as well.

        • The fact that he would even ask such a thing of you knowing your history is sickening. Even if it was normal (which it isn’t), he wouldn’t ask that of you if he really cared about you and wanted you to feel safe and comfortable. These people have no empathy or consideration for the people they are supposed to love. It is all about them and getting their needs met by making us prove our love by doing whatever they want no matter how painful (physically or emotionally). They forget that they are supposed to love us back.

          • He actually went straight to asking me about fisting, saying (and I quote, because, seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up), “Wouldn’t it be neat if we could see if it actually even fits in there?” with this silly grin as if he’d just heard of some new magic trick on the back of a Cracker Jack box. Stunned, I replied, “I am not a goddamn ventriloquist doll you can just shove your hand around in, just for your own delight!” — I also wanted to add, “Besides, you have had no interest in anything but the bare minimum of touching before you stick your dick in there, anyway, so where the hell did THIS idea come from?” but I didn’t. Because I didn’t want him to feel bad about his (extremely poor) sexual performance, always hoping (chumpy much?) that it would get better. — Have fun with that, OW! I hope you buy your batteries at Costco.

            • From a biological perspective, the thin sheet of cells that line the rectum…….are not meant to be penetrated by fists, toys or other objects. WTF is wrong with people?

        • Horrific story NWB, absolutely horrific. And I am so glad you are free of your cheater.

        • That’s one of those “What If” moments for your post on the forum the other day. What if I had allowed him to do this to me? Would it have stopped him cheating? Would we still be together?
          No. I truly don’t believe it would have made a difference. It’s about power, dominance, coercing us into doing their will and something we really don’t want to do. But I don’t believe they would appreciate the person they have finally “broken”. They would just throw this old toy away and look for a new one to break.
          I also truly believe these types hate women and womanhood.

          • I too believe they genuinely hate women for whatever reason, their mother’s neglected them, jealous of their sisters, wish they were one, I don’t know. They break chumpy women down with their twisted mind games.
            They’re wicked and full of hate. If you were to have a conversation with my X you would think he was open minded and had so much respect for women and their rights.
            Behind closed doors he says the complete opposite putting women down and using derogatory names referring to them.

        • NWBiblio

          I am so sorry you were put through that. No one should have to be. I hope your rapist’s reckoning was swift and appropriate…

          You are a very strong woman.

          • Thanks, Jeep. It’s no more than (sadly) any number of women have endured and are enduring this very minute, all around the world. The sad part was knowing I would never have been believed — I was sixteen, I *had* been dating the guy, I was out with a fake ID at a bar, … it never would have stood up in a court of law. That’s the true injustice, that that attitude persists to this very day.

            The worst part was my seeing him at a party about a year later, and he just sauntered up to me like a long lost friend, “Hey! Great to SEE you! How’ve you been??” as if nothing had ever happened. Alas, at age sixteen, I wasn’t the woman I am now. Nowadays I’d figure out some way to drug him then neuter him — I guess twenty years of being a vet has turned my thinking around a bit.

            • NWBiblio…yes, it is true injustice. This ‘good ole boy’ mentality needs a reality check. …imagine if the shoe were on the other foot…as in, what if it were ‘their’ daughter, sister, mother, etc.

              …he deserves to be neutered without benefit of drugs… 🙂 …sayin sister…


      • Me too LOL. I told him there was a kit we could buy that would make a silicone duplicate of his own dick, and that if we made one, and he let me use it on him, then he could do me.
        Funny. He never took me up on that offer.

        My X is also no longer with the OW (think she was married, who the hell knows/cares anymore), so there’s not much in the way of wedding presents, but I could get his new GF a nice big spackle bucket (she’s gonna need it), and a subscription to Netflix to keep her entertained while he is out ‘helping others.’ (code for screwing whoever will have him!)

      • It is so nice to know I am not alone with that one. I had once confided in X that a previous flame had tried that and I kicked him out immediately. Years later he was upset that I would not try that with him. He said “but you did it for so and so”. I had to remind him that no, I had not accepted that from so and so either. Why would a heterosexual man even need or want that. Ga!

        I wonder if Schmoopie goes for that. If not, I should give him a hard time for letting her off the hook. Let her find out what it is like to have him pressure her for something she doesn’t want to give and then use it as an excuse for discard because “you didn’t love me”.

        • I do think heterosexual men can find pleasure in anal sex (both giving AND receiving) for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the path of sensory nerves — If gently and properly stimulated, it can be a pleasurable experience (or so I’m told .. see my post above about my own rape trauma). HOWEVER, in my opinion, it has to be part of a big-picture issue. IOW, an otherwise respectful and sensitive and reciprocal sexual relationship. And most of the anal porn I’ve seen is all about forcing and degrading women to do something they don’t want to do (rape, or at the very least, assault). And that’s just not cool, period.

          • Yes! It is about rape! I don’t think he was watching porn until about 3-4 years ago.
            The Traitor kept trying to get me drunk or stoned enough so I’d let him do it. But I never let him get me spaced out enough and I actually watched out for getting too drunk because he always tried it when he thought I was.
            He was actually playing a very dangerous game because if he had succeeded and I had been passed out drunk for instance, I could have reported him for rape. The question is with the level of psychological abuse and manipulation, what would I have done if it happened? After all I tolerated and spackled ongoing unacceptable behaviour especially during wreckonciliation. I truly believe he wants to break people (just like he talked about breaking horses), especially women. And he calls himself a feminist! He is also the most openly homophobic person I know. Always make fun of gay men and was afraid any of his sons would be gay.

            • I always trust men who are more honest about their sexuality than to be so openly homophobic. I think there’s some attraction they feel or have felt for other men at some point in their lives and live in terror that makes them gay. (I, for instance, think the Duchess of Cambridge is spectacularly beautiful and I am not in any way ashamed to say I would take a run at her in a heartbeat! Or Gisele Bundchen, though I’d need a stepladder….)

              As for the other stuff, it’s such a hazy line after a while, what we’re willing to tolerate for the sake of pleasing our partners. There’s admittedly a huge gulf between “folding the jeans in thirds instead of quarters” and “shoving my dick forcibly up your ass,” but after so many years together, where is that line, really? Alas, in my book, there are a few dark solid lines, nothing hazy about it. And doing ANYTHING to my body against my will was absolutely one of them, as it should be for anyone, I should think.

              The best description I ever heard of rape was from a woman who ran a shelter in Seattle, interviewed on the radio she said, “Imagine someone sitting you down to a dinner table, then insisting you eat all the food on your plate and to keep eating even when it was making you sick and causing you pain. That’s not about food, that’s about force, about domination. — Similarly, rape isn’t about sex or pleasure, it’s about forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do, and THAT is the thing that gives them pleasure.”

      • Egads, yes! When I unearthed the computer histories I discovered my STBX has a fetish for this sort of thing. It was stunning because during any discussion of various sexual positions, etc. (over a 20+ year marriage) he claimed that anal didn’t interest him. And he never brought it up on his own.

        Actually, thinking back, I was usually the one to suggest new positions, etc. He hid his off-the-wall sexual proclivities so well that at times I worried that I was too “wild” for him! It’s mind-bending to know that the truth was quite the opposite.

      • Yeah, my narc cheater pornwatcher would constantly badger me to have anal. When he did, I would jump up and grab the biggest banana in the kitchen, and put it near his ass and say, “sure, no problem”, “let me know if you like it”. Then he’d look all confused sad sausage and say “no, I want to put (it) in (you)”. And I’d be all “Ohhh…*you* want to put it in *me*, yeah no that’s not ever going to happen.” That would usually get him to shut up about it…til next time.

      • Ok. I made a fake login because I just don’t want to post as me for this.

        I did anal with xH. I liked it. He did, too. It didn’t keep him.

        Toward the end, he became almost urgent about getting this from me, though. Of course, I had no idea that he was sleeping with someone else AND me, but his demeanor changed, and it was evident. Something was “off.” I remember that I stopped wanting to kiss him. I guess my gut was telling me something.

        I think, looking back, that OW refused anal (I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing), and that he could only get it from me, and that’s why he wanted it every time we were together, and he would go right for it. He was getting one thing from her (new, infatuation, fantasy, no responsibility) And he was getting something else from me.

        He said that the problem wasn’t the sex–he was going to miss it with me. So, he tossed me that bone, right? I was a good fuck, but he was going with her, ultimately. And then he threw it all away.

        Anyway. Don’t feel guilty for maintaining your boundaries. It doesn’t keep a loser around to compromise yourself. If anything, it emboldens them.

        • Sorry Bertha but the way I read what he did towards the end is to use you as much as he could before throwing you away like an old toy. Hope you are far away from him and being treated kindly now.

          • No need for sorry. You are right. That’s exactly what he was doing.

        • Yep and he saved that crap on the same stick that held our family photos. That’s how I found out, looking for photos of happier times during wreckonciliation. Sickening.

    • Yup… add Mr. Sparkles to this list… he belonged to an AOL Group called “AnalPlay4Us”… you cannot make this shit up. Of course, add this to his fondness for T4M personals on Craigslist and trolling for Women, Couples, Groups, and responding as a BiMWM to a couples ad… you can understand my lack of sexual desire for him in our marriage.

      And, BTW, my ass is an Exit Only orifice.

      • Wth?? This sounds like my ex, but he swore he was straight! He had more dick pics than anything on his computer. The OW was in the mix too, she was okay with watching him pretend to get raped by other men he found on Craig’s List.
        They are getting married in a few weeks. I checked out their wedding registry, pretty boring stuff they want. Considering they both wanted a bimale to have sex with. Wonder why that wasn’t on the registry??

  • Eyes in the back of her head. OW is gonna need ’em.

    • Maybe instead of a bridal registry, X and his skank could have the tackiest version of an engagement party: the Jack and Jill. And with all the money they raise from the beer raffles and dollar dances, she could spring to get her eyes uncrossed.

      Sadly though, there’s no operation to fix a personality disorder. So she’s still going to be stuck with him.


  • What about the registries in which people all help to contribute to the cost of the honeymoon?

    Instead, gift-givers could all pay to contribute to a road trip during which the newlyweds visit all of the friends and family of the Chump.

    You know, for shits and giggles.

    And black eyes.

  • Pervy Pants’ Schoompies are web cam hoes and internet hook ups. What to buy them? Hmmm?

    Pre paid gonorrhea treatments? Scabies ointments? Gift cards for free HIV testing? A free prescription for Viagra? Toss in a pair of crotchless panties and a thong for older men with erectile dysfunction.

    • Leavingthecrapbehind,

      You forgot one thing- 69 year old ex narc
      shaves his “old man” junk..& his back hair!

      So glad I don’t have to see wrinkled, hanging senior … balls anymore.

      Schmoopie Whore gets to see that all the time now.,, Gross ? Wonder where I can pick up junk Shaver for the Groom?

      • Kathleen~ ha ha ha! Yep throw a junk shaver in there too! Nothing uglier than a pair of saggy old balls on a pervert! For a price- he gets to show that junk off.

        • Is there such thing as a ball bra for old men with saggy junk?

          • They use athletic supporters for that.

            Thank you for that piece of trivia I will never forget, old guy in a convertible talking way too loudly to the sporting goods store on Bluetooth hands-free.

          • Leaving, Imagine what we chumps accept from our cheating narc.. only to be dumped & abandoned after 34 years.

            Ball bra made me laugh ?

            Hugs to you . . & all of us Chumps

          • Here ya go Leavingthecrapbehind 🙂

            …guys…please forgive me 🙂

              • 🙂



                …just so you know…I was blushing posting that…k…BUT OH MY GOODNESS! 🙂 …k…definitely on satan’s gift list…should he marry again…or…even…just because 🙂

                …oopsie… 😀

        • LTCB —

          >>>Nothing uglier than a pair of saggy old balls on a pervert!<<<

          You made me LOL with this one! Thanks for brightening up my dark rainy day!

      • Kathleen….I showed one of his “dic pics” he has plastered all over the internet to a few girl friends- during a “girls night out.” We cracked up…..rolled on the floor laughing! He had better have plenty of money- with that saggy old junk!

      • Mine started shaving number one to make it look bigger, silly me didn’t realise it was for someone else.
        Stopped wearing underpants also.
        I said and noticed his balls getting saggy, denied it of course.
        Wedding registry, we never married, I thought it was because he was unconventional but this and also commitment phobic, had a minor melt down on the night we moved into our house we purchased, oh well maybe a divorse for her and some cock rings for him.

        • Oh she can have some chicken fillet bra stuffers as she likes them, hard to look busty when you look like a short ten year old boy in a bikini.

      • I am actually jealous of all you women who had husbands who were physically repulsive as well as being jerks. My STBX is actually quite good looking on the outside. It is just his inner self that is messed up. I know that by now, but it is still makes it harder to get over him, especially knowing that he will always be able to find anther woman even if he’ll never find another quality one again. I wish I could laugh at his appearance the way some of you can.

        • I’m with you, I liked the way he looked, a bit short but nice and we had sexual chemistry after 13 years, oh well, his loss

        • Yes mine is very good looking too. Sickens me how I can stil find him sexually attractive. As he is truly a disgusting person on the inside

        • Same boat, sigh. Just such a waste of a good face/body, wish I could swap out his brain! He has started having some internal health problems; that’s because he is rotting from the inside. The only consolation is that it will be easy for him to find his next victim since the MOW decided to stay with her husband…

        • Chumpinrecovery….when I married STBX Pervert- he was handsome. Booze, porn, and prescription narcotics took his looks down into the gutter. My mind’s eye sometimes saw the handsome young man I married. But reality showed me an ugly old man begging strangers for sex on the internet.

          • Remember, fellow Chumps: Pretty is as pretty does.

            My Cheater was really good looking at the start, too. But after all of the $hit he put me through — now when I look at him it makes me throw up into my mouth just a little bit. I can’t even *imagine* wanting to see him naked ever again — he completely disgusts me.

            And remember that the narcissist’s greatest enemy is OLD AGE. He might think he’s an Adonis now, but no one can argue with wrinkles, diabetes, and erectile dysfunction. heh heh heh If you’re waiting for the karma bus and it seems a long way off, console yourself with the fact that old age might be slow in coming but it’s inevitable. And then someone ELSE will have to wipe his ass, NOT YOU. 😀

            • My STBX pervert can call one of his web cam hoes and ask her to wipe his saggy old ass- for a price of course.

            • Yeah, STBX blamed his bedroom problems on me which is insulting. Won’t he be surprised someday when Schmoopie has trouble getting him up too. I hope she has a lot of stamina.

              The crazy thing is that he claims we were not sexually compatible because his libido was stronger than mine. If that’s so, how come I was still satisfied with him but he needed strange?

          • Funny but he got older looking and damn hate to blow my own horn but 5 months out I’m looking fine, younger by a mile and more energy since the soul sucking vampires ass got booted to the curb.

              • You’re lucky, Lady B. I feel like being with him aged me way faster from all the stress. I always smiled before I met him and now my skin has suffered from all the frowning I did because of him. At least I have lost 40 lbs, so I am pretty back to my normal weight.

          • Yep, they do not age gracefully. Growing the beard does hide the wrinkles and the double sagging chin. Maybe a card suggesting a good plastic surgeon for the chin and eyes for him and a pair of breasts for her since he has become a snowbird. I am quite entertained that he left with according to him “my golf cart” in snowbird beach bum red. But is furious that I took his older white golf cart that runs better, along with my John Deere gator for my new digs. He is livid. Just smile and move on with my dogs and cat to a peaceful place. Oh one month and three days after the long divorce was over, he is engaged to one of his office girls. I believe it was the one he wrote in prison to help her out…she got caught on video using drugs in the bathroom at work. I distinctly remember that she was nervous around me and would not do my IV when I had to have hand surgery a couple of years ago. Back when our money problems started happening? ??

        • I honestly can’t see mine as good looking any more. Objectively, he has aged in that awkward, desperate, trying to pretend it isn’t happening way, so that is part of it, but also just knowing about the combo of emptiness and black goo inside of him rules it out. It always amazes me that he truly believes the OW finds him attractive, but then again, I have been in her spot, so I have some notion of what she is going through. On the other hand, empathy for her is counterbalanced by knowing that she consciously made the choice to start a relationship with a married man. Undoubtedly, he is emotionally and verbally abusing her and manipulating her, but then again, she is attracted to his money, power, influence, and position, none of which existed when we met. So, she has motivations that were not there for me. In any case, do not find him at all attractive, now, though the memories of when I did have not quite died yet, which is annoying.

        • I hear you on that one. My stbx will have no trouble at all roping in another victim. I always felt like his looks somewhat compensated for his personality. Which was hot and cold. Two different people, really.
          In retrospect, it was a serious defect in my picker. I didn’t have enough self worth to identify the red flags and use a boundary filter in selecting my mate.

          • When you walk in and he is dyeing his eyebrows, picking his nose hairs and ask you to pluck any ear hairs. I should have thought of that as a red flag. Or when he takes up the entire bathroom counter with his stuff, no room for me. He had to have the bathroom first to get ready to go places, not me. Red flags. The lovebombing of gifts and needing to tell me how good a person he really is to others. I always kept what I did private as a real gift. If you gave him something he didn’t like right in front of the gift-giver, he would look at it and offer it to someone else standing there. I was shocked that he did that to his employees who idolized him.

        • Add me to this list. STBX is quite handsome.

          The only good news for me is that he so thoroughly repulsed me with his character and actions (what I discovered, anyway) that I don’t have an ounce of sexual desire left for him. Actually, it’s so bad that I’m repulsed at the idea of sex completely.

          • My ex spent more time grooming than me. Shaved and naired his whole body every 2 weeks. When I asked him why he said it was a habit he started in High School. I’ve learned that most men don’t shave every bit of body hair except eyebrows and head hair. He’s 39 still saying he’s 28. Recently heard he bought a skateboard!!

            • Mine also spent more time in the mirror than me. Towards the end he was spending hours trimming his sideburns, nose hairs and eyebrows for hours in a magnified mirror. I also should have known because at one time I would have to remind him to trim his eyebrows or nose hairs.
              He’s muscular and can be good looking and can lay on the charm. He also has the prestige, money, power and influence, which women would find attractive.
              All the things he didn’t have when we were dating and early in our marriage.
              I supported him while we struggled so he could work towards “our” career.
              My gift suggested would be a magnified wardrobe mirror to magnify his small attributes.

          • I was chatting with a woman who had divorced her husband after finding out he was cheating. It happened that we were chatting on the very day that my divorce became final this past winter, so we were comparing war wounds so to speak. I mentioned that eventually I couldn’t even stand the way the my ExH smelled. It was repulsive to me. She said that she had the same exact thing happen. She said that before she knew about the cheating she noticed that like she didn’t like the way clothes and materials smelled when she was tossing them in the laundry or making the bed. We wondered if the cheating fundamentally changed their chemistry in such a way that the pheromones they were putting out were different and we were picking up on that. I mentioned this to my friend and she told me there are studies that show that women who are taking birth control pills that work by mimicking pregnancy have a diminished sense of smell. The theory is that if you are pregnant, it is to an advantage to not be susceptible to changes in pheromones from your partner.

            Attraction is a funny thing, but as and adjunct to the “gut check” that we do, I have added the “sniff test” to my list of assessments of a possible romantic partner. If I don’t like the way someone smells (meaning it’s not that they smell bad… I just don’t like it), I move on.

            • “Sniff test” — I know exactly what you mean! Spot on.

            • I’m intrigued to hear others had this experience. In the months leading up to D-day (when admittedly there were some major clues that ex was involved with OW but I went into denial), my sense of smell was heightened. Everything smelled awful, including his stuff and mine. I worried others could notice an offensive odour on me, and wondered if XH had moved into the spare room and was avoiding sex because of that (yes denial is a powerful force!) When he left, the foul odours were even more extreme, to the extent it was like an olfactory hallucination (e.g. smelling vomit when there was clearly none around) and I realised it was a stress-related thing. There will be a physiological reason for it, as our sense of smell is closely tied to the emotional processing centres in the brain.
              Perhaps that’s why we have that metaphor for “something smells bad”, in the same way breakups and grief literally makes your chest hurt.

              • Fascinating, my cheater developed a smell at some point that I could never pinpoint- when we were in bed, it was a cross between bad breath and body Oder-now I do think my intuition was being stimulated but my naive trust won.

              • Yes! I had this too. The asshole is still a repulsive sack of skin.

                I thought this change in scent thing was just me. It’s a stink like rotting garlic from INSIDE. It’s not normal b.o.

            • I believe a lot to do with attraction is in smell.
              Once his shady shit came out he smelt gross to me and his breath was chemical which could have been anti depressants he liked to start taking them without telling me but I would notice his glassy eyes and his personality became childish.

              • My STBXH has been getting more and more smelly over past few years and maybe there is a link as I discovered he’s been cheating on me for at over half our marriage.
                With regards to balls (!) mine for some reason has been trying to make his sag more – apologies for this sounding disgusting, please be aware it’s even worse than I can describe! He has been attaching heavy duty metal rings around them for at least a couple of years!
                Is it a gay thing? I’ve found out he’s been cheating with both men and women.

            • I had the same experience with my ex. I got to the point I couldn’t stand for him to be near me physically (even in the same room) because he smelled horrible. About the time I think his affair started, I found him repulsive and sex became unbearable to me – when we did have it he couldn’t get it up anyway! So olfactory receptors and/or the gut know! I’m extremely glad that he’s gone and his schmoopie can have him (they got engaged 4 months after divorce was final and married barely one year after the divorce and they think that no one realizes they were cheating).

        • Wait awhile. My X was extremely good looking. He aged well, until he didn’t. Now, he looks like just another old man. It all evens out in the end.

      • Kathleen; OOh man; cruel morning visual on that one! Shudder & pukefest.

  • Ewww
    Written out like this these people really are the pits.
    Sub human.
    Whenever you lapse and wonder if they really are what you think, re-read their ” needs”.
    Its true, their needs WERE un- fulfilled. Thank god they found their soul mate to fulfill them. Yuk

    • They are subhuman. My dog Fluffy has more morals and self control than these scum bags.

  • An endless box of tissues for the habitual masturbator and porn addict – you can have hours of fun finding them all over the house, under pillows, in the laundry, bathrobe pockets, every fucking where – these ‘dabby tissues’ suck the life out of your marraige and sex life – they even force your deluded XH to spend 1/2 hr in the loo allegedly having a poo every fucking morning ( true story)

    Next on the gift list is a ‘crotch shot trimmer’ – for the bare necessities! Everything seems much clearer now – “oops I went a bit overboard on my ‘tidy up/ trim’ ” said my XH on a few occasions and I fucking believed it – after DDay he said he only shaved it every so often because he hated his bright ginger pubes ( true story)

    • Oh…..I forgot to throw in dabbing tissues and “Joy Jelly,” That needs to be on the registry for days when he can’t afford web cam hoes and prostitutes.

      • Never had the joy jelly thankfully but after the 1st DDay he tried to introduce a ‘please me’ gel – all we needed was the box of tissues by the side of the bed………

    • Oh, gosh, yes. Not tissues, but squares of paper towels, for him. Found them EVERYWHERE. So demeaning to have to deal with the detritus of his porn encounters. Shudder.

  • Here’s the things, the only things, my ex actually took from the house when he moved out:

    A laptop, porn, and booze.

    He and Skankalicious will also need a good prescription drug plan to pay for their STD treatment.

  • A lifetime subscription to Lie-detector weekly? Articles on
    . the best lie detector machine money can buy
    . 10 tips to improve your deceitful ways
    . where to get your nose-shortening procedure
    . How to foil a private dick (the investigator, not the cheater, or his appendix)
    . Need to stash money in a safe place? No problem. The 25 best Swiss banks
    . How to groom your good name and image when found out
    . Best tips on living a double life

  • When I was getting more information about the 401K split, I visited a financial advisor hoping she would know how this goes better and would be able to better help me invest it. I took my settlement agreement, prepared with a lot of questions….

    Lady about 65, smart as a damn whip. NONE of her questions related financial advice.

    “Are you the first wife?”
    “Oh, good. YOU get the good cut. Don’t worry about him. In two years he will be in my office, sitting in that chair, taking out the rest of his, or a loan against, to pay for the other divorce. I see it every day. Literally, every day in here.”
    Her face was twisted in mild disgust.

    I don’t think people want to focus on how economically obliterating affairs/divorce is.

    I don’t know if the second part of her advice came true or not, but she was right on the first, I got the good cut.

    • So, I would send my xh the paperwork needed take that loan out against his 401K. I’d rather send a practical gift than frivolous. You know, wants vs. needs.

      • Riffing on Magneto I would propose a tear off pad of pre populated Pre-Nups regarding alimony, 401K values, and amount of inheritance that goes to first wives kids. The amounts diminish with each successive new spouse….

    • Divorce is a weapon of mass financial destruction. Truly. We spend 32 years accumulating for what I thought was a retirement together starting this year. He however, chose someone 12 years younger with a 10 year old.

      I will be ok financially. I always handled all that stuff.

      And I am wife #1.

      What you wrote, I have no doubt that will be him. Whore has made no bones telling her kids momma is gonna be rich. Cheater X is so stupid. And yes, wrinkled old man balls.

      • Very similar story to mine–married 35 years, slut is 8 years younger with an 11year old. Our kids are 28 and 25. Mine was a little bit more slimy though since he stole a bunch of money and assets before the separation and quit working for money in order to screw me out of spousal support.. Scumbag

        • Same happened to me and our kids. Stole tens of thousands of dollars from our accounts, then announced to the judge he lost his job during our divorce hearing. So his child support was reduced 45% and I also had to pick up the health insurance for me, the kids, and HIM.

      • Cheater once told me of a couple we knew- they can’t afford to get divorced so they stay together. Well, I guess he thinks he can afford it. My lawyer is prepared to burn him on his laughable financial statement. In the end, it doesn’t matter much because he is banking on the inheritance from mommy and daddy.

    • Wow I like your financial advisor. I’ll have to check the forum to see if there is some sort of chump-friendly business directory.

      My ex decided he wanted the house more than most of his retirement. I held off my chumpy self and let him dig and dive headfirst into that hole. So I wound up with most of his 401K along with mine and he now has a gigantic home with no chump cleaning appliance to keep it spiffy.

      My gift would be a free visit from the city code enforcement division. So they can point out the stuff that has to be remedied to get the place up to code, like the roof and sewer. If he decides to rent it out there is a second free visit from another city department inspector — all rentals in town need to be approved as safe and doubtless he is unaware that he’ll have to pay a bunch of fees to rent it out as well.

    • From the Dollar Store
      ( nothing but the best!)
      ( for the worst!)

  • His and her trench coats? While he was out getting her on the hook, he would come home (when I wasn’t there) and expose himself and masturbate in front of female neighbors (and then brag to male neighbors about it -who were immediately repulsed!!) And to make the happy family complete? A blindfold for her teen daughter. Ugh, sorry to make you nauseous this early in the morning. Couldn’t imagine shit like this even happens in the world til it happened to me.

    • Why the blindfold for the teenage daughter? That just sounds creepy as heck!

    • Oh my, Cactusflower. That takes the (wedding) cake. Glad you’re free of him.

      • That was just the tip of the iceberg. And I know it’s creepy as heck… but you know what’s creepier? People (his flying monkeys, “switzerlands”, and fellow narcissists) know who he is and what he does and sidle up to the new victim and tell her nothing. I know because I was his last victim. He is a master manipulator and liar. The shame I feel for being with someone like that -unknowingly- will keep me on medication and therapy for years to come. Of course I can’t tell his new victim because he and his flying monkeys have told her I’m crazy, and she would never believe me. I don’t care about the two of them, but I am beyond stressed about the teenage daughter of hers. Cheater narcissists are like locusts… they come to your town, eat and destroy all your crops and move to the next.

        • Is there a way to get word through someone else to the teenage daughter as to his masturbation-in-public tendencies? There are ways to do it through an anonymous email, if you know the daughter’s email address.

          • Find her on Facebook, and message her. Haha I’m REAL good at finding people, if you need help!

    • I have a flasher/voyeur too! A rain coat and a pair of binoculars to better see/whack off at the neighbors- on the gift registry!

      • My STBX pervert often uses the terms “Dancing, Dancer, Dancing Daddy” in his hot sexy hook up/web cam hoe sites. The man never danced a step in the 31 years I knew him.
        I’m throwing in free Arthur Murray dance lessons.

  • A lifetime subscription to the upgraded membership to on line dating website of their choice because they are never too old and always the most special of all. Membership should start right away as being faithful is a time limited thing!

  • I stand by my registry ideas of yesterday, but I thought I’d add a virtual registry since my cheating ex-wife met the AP that she later nagged to marry her while obsessively playing World of Warcraft online (he was her Guild Leader–SWOON!). So to accompany these fierce pixilated cheater-warriors on their delusional life of marital bliss, I propose the following in-game gifts:

    Boots of Furtive Flight: Allow the wearer to flee with lighting fast quickness from any threat of boredom, embarrassment, or required effort, avoiding any consequences of her stupid life choices.

    Cloak of Deception: Oh, wait, I think she already has this IRL.

    Ever-changing Mount: Now a decrepit dragon, now a musk-ox, now an giant turkey buzzard! A new Steed to climb atop whenever my ex requires a new source of kibbles. Because, hey, that’s what she wanted all along!

  • A gilded pocket calculador and an arithmetic 1st grade work book;

    A Williams-Sonoma Pepper Mill that uses FOUR AA bateries and instructions for schmoopie how to swoon over it every singles time she uses it;

    A lifetime supply of fart stain remover;

    Honeymoon tickets to IS-occupied places (schmoopie might get stoned since she is always clad for the beach);

    Lots of picture frames;

    A 30cm purple dildo with sparkles to stick on the hood of his beloved Mini Cooper that he needed and could afford like a hole in his head;

    A garbage can. Used, with his crap in it.

  • The David Brooks/Anne Snyder coffee table book collection

  • My X won’t have a wedding registry since he likely will just have multiple girlfriends who all think they are exclusive. So, how about a “Help- I got caught and am “lost”
    1. Compass- lost true North
    2. more Viagara-
    3. hints on how to get paid for work with no paper trail.
    4. A therapist who tells me having multiple soulmates simultaneously is because I am a splendid person- not slutty or a liar.
    5. A remote with just 3 channels so I can switch from rage to charm to sad.

  • Uncle Dad recently remarried, so I feel weird calling him my ex. I took responsibility for that fuckup So. Many. Times. that I just really think I hit my limit, and now my brain twitches a bit every time I go to call him “my” ex. So, my preferred article is “the” when describing him. The Ex Husband.

    It truly is the subtle things that move you through…

    Anyway, his new wife appliance isn’t one of the many other women from our 4 year marriage. But he does have a bit of a relationship overlap problems. His live in girlfriend walked in to find this woman fast asleep in her bed. I guess the other beds were too hard or too soft. Uncle Dad’s was *just* right.

    So, he proposed to the new wife on Christmas Eve of 2016 with a 3 stone diamond ring. In 2009, he proposed to me on Christmas Eve with a 3 stone diamond ring.

    Then, 4 months later, I kid you not, they got married on April Fools Day, at the Justice of the Peace’s house in our parish. In 2010, on April Fool’s Day, he and I got married at the same JP’s house.

    When I messaged her on Facebook that evening and offered to have a drink with her on August 27th when her divorce was final, she was really pissed for some reason… I guess she didn’t get the irony….

    So, for today’s challenge, I am giving Mr. and Mrs. Uncle Dad my former registry lists to Target and Pottery Barn. I’m sure they are still saved on a server somewhere.

    Or, perhaps I have an old printout in a drawer somewhere. A little tattered and stained, sure, but so is your dignity, so it works!

    Happy Friday, y’all!

    • Kelli……yep, I think the same way! I always say the XPOS rather than my XPOS.
      It’s the little things…

    • Perfect! Nothing says “I loved my life with you” quite like repeating the entire process verbatim with a new victim. They definitely need to use the same registry you had, I mean why re-invent the wheel am-I-right? ?

  • My ex bought schmoopie a live bee hive while they were cheating. ( Yes a BEE HIVE)

    So I think the wedding and registry should have a bee theme .
    Wedding colors yellow and black,
    gifts to include:
    honey, Burt Bee’s lotion, and of course sting ointment for all the bee stings!!

    • A basket full of rattle snakes for the animal lover nuptials.

  • I don’t know about a registry but what I would send them is the following:

    A copy of “The Road to Character” with a note that says “for now” and a copy of “Leave a Cheater Gain a Life” with a note that says “for later”.

  • Bleach
    Loud, tacky floral bedding
    Gray paint
    “Inspirational Quote” decals
    Hobbies to do in the same room while he games. (I suggest knitting.) He doesn’t want to be alone; he
    wants you to be in the room so that he can ignore you.
    Ajax and the scrubbiest toilet scrubber there is for the splatter under the toilet seat.

      • Bleach is great for killing STD viruses and germs. I’d toss a case of Clorox on the registry.

    • “He wants you in the room so he can ignore you” OMFG what a puke

  • I just want his life to suck – but i want a front row seat.

    • Live well ImAPhool……get your shine back….. get the spring in your step back! Then….sit back and watch the shit hit the fan with the cheating scum bags. He/she who laughs last- laughs best.

      But….I do wish you a giant glob of “Meh” someday- so that you won’t give a rat’s ass what the two cheating scum bags are doing.

      • I hope I HEAR about his fiery car crash as I’m getting my daily massage on the terrace of my villa in Provence, just so I can lazily mumble, “Oh, who cares anymore…. Jean-Luc, a little lower, please…” 🙂

      • Ihavehate/Leavingthecrapbehind – i wish both of you great things. Love this group here.

        I’m doing ok, could be better, but still glad to be away from the assmunch – and there isn’t a schmoopie or hobag for me to hate – cheater told the girl he was single so she got duped as well. Just bag of lies all around. Meh will come, maybe its here, i don’t know. Life moves on. Still wish karma bus hits him in the ball and hope I’m the driver of that bus.

        Happy Friday 🙂

  • I was an Amazon Chump (forever buying books to inform me on how to save my marriage) and the only gift I know of that H1.0 bought Susan of Seattle was a book (on Catholicism..oh the irony, its almost Brooksian) so I would have bought them books.

    2 copies of “How to live with a Narcissist” (they would both have needed it)

    A really good book on Anger Management…it would have gotten ugly once they both realized that he didn’t leave his rage tendencies with me (he told her that I made him mad and his anger was a problem, he, was in fact the problem).

    A book on surviving the financial fallout of divorce …he set up a plan that would have worked if he made about $300,000 a year, trouble was, he made less than half that.

    So for real, Susan eventually married Lawrence (a “high end jeweler” from what I was told…they were engaged during the whole affair with H1). I really considered sending her a card full of good wishes replete with double entendres …

    Dear Susan,

    I couldnt let your wedding go by without sending you a card with well-wishes….I know you considered inviting H and I but you knew that we couldn’t afford travel to Seattle with 3 kids. You cant imagine how happy I am that you found love and happiness. I so wish that I could be there and tell everyone the interesting stories of how we all came to know each other, it would be such a hoot !!

    I so wish you a lovely day, what H doesnt know is that I was thinking of taking a quick trip out there just to peek in at your wedding it would mean the world to me to see you be married. So keep an eye out, you just never know if I might clip enough coupons for a flight out there and I could share this special day with you and all your friends and family sharing stories of how we know each other.

    May you get every happiness you deserve.



    • A really good book on Anger Management…it would have gotten ugly once they both realized that he didn’t leave his rage tendencies with me (he told her that I made him mad and his anger was a problem, he, was in fact the problem


  • A pair of matching jeweled wooden boxes to store their cold hearts
    A box of notebooks– to keep track of the lies and justifications (all aspects of life, not just relationship cheating)

    For OWife: a book — Elder Care (ex is >10 yrs older and has has lots of medical issues this year!)

  • I think the perv started buying his own gif registry items, as my children were unfortunate enough to unbox BDSM paraphernalia around Christmas.

    Given his newly acquired sexual flavor, I’ll gladly purchase a noose and a bible box to hide it in (you know, like in Shawshank redemption), since he hides his real character behind the face of a bible.

    Can’t forget a years supply of at home STD TESTING KITS, since he like to have unprotected sex with sex workers.
    Lube (for the constant porn wanking)
    Password keeper app. To organize entry into all the hook-up sights
    A faux golden trophy ? enscribed with “Winner at playing the victim. May your lies come back to haunt you” or maybe just the word “karma”
    A book for her entitled “how to be content with his double life”

    • Finding jars of Vaseline or mineral oil with aloe in various places whenever the urge struck. How to hide instead of delete messages on your iPhone. Going for cleaning products from the linen/cleaning closet and finding a bottle of Absolut. He blames the children as we have a liquor cabinet upstairs. ? Yeah, right!!!

  • Here goes:

    Lifetime subscriptions to multiple bondage and cheating hookups sites.

    A bigger sim card for the cell phone.

    Gift card to xxx sex toys shop.

    Gift gift card for IT work for home computer for viruses obtained from porn.

    His and her blinders and earplugs.

    Book for her, liars and the people who love them.

    Book for him lying for dummies.
    He is so bad at it.

    Gift cards for therapy for both.

    One year subscription for ball and back scaping.

    Cartons of tequila and wine.

    Rage management sessions for him.
    Minipulation upskills for her.

    A better set of kids for him you know the adoring kind that worship at his feet instead of the ones he has now.

    New kids for her that hold her accountable and money doesnt buy their love.

    A kool car to attract other women when the wifes not looking.

    Character transplants for both.

    Weight loss and body sculpting for both.

    Hair transplant.

    Penis fixing to fix that old thing.

    Oh i could go on but thats my registry and im sticling to it.

    • “A bigger sim card for the cell phone” hehehehehe 🙂

      Technology can’t even keep up with cheaters. Good one Kar marie!

        • Just generous enough to want them to have what they deserve so you, me and every other chump is safe!

  • The Ex and Whore live together. They aren’t the romantic type couple where they found Twu Luv. No, it’s convenient and super fun (I guess) Anyway, what they need:

    1. a really good back shaver
    2. Probably money for her candy making “business”. It’s really taking off you know
    3. Household budgets for Dummies book
    4. Sheet set for my son’t bed (since i had to buy a set for them)
    5. Lastly, I’d give them some of my fucks because i have a lot of them!!

  • I would love to send his next victim a book of phrases he used on every single one of us that she could tick off as he rolls them out.’From Idealisation to Discard;A handbook for the Narcissist’.
    Page one would include phrases such as ,”You’re my soul mate.”
    “You’re the love of my life”.
    Arseface even brings them all on the same trips,so the book could include predictions on where they might holiday.Miami,UAE,African safari,Rome.
    Been there,done that,have the T shirts.

    • All of this and mine would include some crap poetry about the river that meets the sky that meets the ocean. Blah

  • I like the hair transplant and “penis fixer” for my STBX pervert. I would also like to toss in a jar of age spot remover (for the age spot splotches all over his balding head and face). And some tooth whitener for his 12 yellowish-brown teeth.

    • What happened to the other 16 teeth that an adult should have ? Did they fall out of his rotten mouth ?

  • They are unable to get married as he will lose his health insurance that I pay through my position. He never once said he was sorry as if it was understood why he was leaving. I’m sure this fact causes her distress even though he basically said he would dump her too and would never get married again. Timing is everything and his plan was to ‘get somewhere’ which he said he couldn’t do because of me; leading a double life is expensive. The first year out he had to take out a three year loan to pay his income taxes. Once the loan is paid I’m switching jobs and he will have to pay Cobra which will cost him around six hundred a month and he will have no longer have an excuse for not marring the whore.

    For the Limited

    He looked at me with the sadz after dday and stated, “I always wanted to go surfing.”

    For years he slept with a heating pad and had two pillows under his legs. This model penetrates up to 3″ of bone and muscle to melt away chronic pain.

    I woke up to a piss bed often as he was a bed wetter.

    He has a noise induced hearing loss which makes it impossible to hear conversation.

    For years I wanted to get a dog. He said they were too much work and it would tie him down. The first time I met her I noticed her coat was matted with dog hair and I actually thought is was his whore’s mother.

    I have a special diet and primarily buy organic food. He continued to shop at WALMART and bring home processed foods I couldn’t eat. My prediction is that he will become a greeter at Walmart when he retires.

    According to Nanthony he’s the best lover she ever had. Given she’s a bar whore there is no doubt in my mind this is maintain the pedestal he so loves. She forgets I lived with the two inches for the last ten years of marriage. He had the penile prosthesis inserted twice and with each time there was shrinkage. A whopping two inches.

    For Nanthony

    He hates her son and dog. I know this as he was complaining about them within months of moving into the second floor apartment. Her son had a child, that calls him papa, lol. He hates babies and wanted a single life. He’s promised her a retirement home in Florida. Neither one of them can get financed. Dream on DREAM GIRL.

    I would have imagined he would have found a beautiful amazing woman after years of cheating. My lawyer was the one who pulled up her arrest record the first time we met. It was lengthy. While I do not judge others by looks, she is fucking ugly and classless.

    What do you get for the person who has everything?

    • are you court ordered to keep the job and insurance for him? Otherwise, why not go ahead and cut him off now?

      • It was part of the settlement agreement (Continuation of Health Insurance). What most do not know, the Limited included, is that it is not directed at the parties in the divorce. It tells the insurance carrier what it may or may not do under certain circumstances depending what is stated (some states have this ACT).

        Typically the spouse pays the difference between the amount of a single vs family plan which was around six hundred dollars a year. He refused and the settlement I offered was to cap the amount I paid at this amount yearly.

        According to this act, he will not be covered unless the employer fits the criteria within the ACT. Therefore, as soon as I change jobs he will lose his benefits. .

    • Haha doing me, “Dream Catcher”. My exw (the “w” is for whore) did get a rather large dream catcher tattoo on her shoulder right after dday years back. I guess when she’s on all fours, her married boyfriends have something to aim for. 🙂

      • Living the dream, my friend. Haha. I always wondered about what he told the whore when he ‘caught’ an STD and was treated. He was ‘dating’ three women at the time.

        I’ve decided to get a tattoo this summer and it will symbolize freedom. W=Whore, love this.

        • The most laughable thing the Limited said was, “I like being single.” SureChumpedALot he had many girlfriends (fuckbuddies) and when you see where they finally land it’s never in a loving respectable relationship.

          What single meant to him was to lead a double life. I’m so far removed from it I almost pity him for where he landed. While we don’t get real closure through any type of remorse, I feel he has the consequences he earned through his actions; justice served.

  • I would think they would need:

    Depends: OW is 13 years older than him (and 15 years older than me!)
    Viagra: Hey! He isn’t getting any younger!
    Lifetime subscription to AARP: OW was already eligible when she “is not my girlfriend”
    Unlimited access to a counselor:gonna need that when he discards you
    Unlimited access to Imitrex, sleeping pills, heartburn medication…for the headaches, insomnia and GI problems you will have in order to keep the “marriage” intact.
    Gift subscription to Life Lock: For when him or his family steals your identity and signs you name on loans for the family business.
    Secret savings account: to save money when either one tries to leave you penniless.

      • Don’t forget Depends-nothing says twu wuv like shitty diapers!

  • As it turns out, my wife’s AP wouldn’t leave his wife for her after all – despite what he told her during the affair. So that plan went down the drain and there will be no wedding for them…..but, they still work together, so I’m sure the lunchtime getaways and the after-work “workouts” still go on.

    If they were to get married though, they’d need:

    1) Better jobs, since they’re both in their 40’s and still in entry-level positions in their profession;
    2) Private detectives to keep track of one another since……the next guy/gal is always right around the corner;
    3) A bigger back seat for my wife’s car;
    4) Stronger wool to pull over the OM’s wife’s eyes;
    5) Their dignity; and,
    6) Real friends that respect them, I know she’s lost the respect of many of our friends.

    If it weren’t for my kids, I’d really and truly wish them to get married. There would be no better karma then for the both of them to have to work together all day and go home together every night. I’d give it 6 months tops before they both get sick of reality and go back out on the prowl again.

    • I like the “strong wool.” Why don’t you just send them a live sheep?

      • NOOO!!! Never send anything live to cheaters; given the proclivities of some cheaters on today’s post, one never knows if the poor sheep might end up in a threesome.

        • LOL! People with no boundaries could do bad things to the poor sheep! No live sheep on the registry.

        • HAW. HAW HAAAAWWW…hilarious, Tempest…..threesome with the sheep…HAWWW. HAW HAW

    • That’s just what happened to my XH. Married co-worker whore. So they work together. She took up his hobby of running as well, so ALL their time is spent together. Smother much?? When I married XH, his disordered mother gave me some advice (actually, she couldn’t keep her big mouth shut our entire marriage, but that’s another story…). XMIL told me: “You know, NoKibble4U, ManChild needs his alone time. It’s very important to him. He should have his own hobbies.” No problem. He golfed and then started running marathons alone.

      Whore is HIS karma. She is so smothering she probably follows him into the restroom when he takes a dump.

      • I am so glad to be kicking my reptilian, freakazoid MIL to the curb- along with her darling little pervert-man-boy. The two of them should marry each other.

        • My IC said the problem with ManChild is that in XMIL’s emotionally incestuous mind, SHE was married to ManChild. I was the Other Woman. (His father abandoned them when XH was five, Daddy came back some time later – but damage was done apparently). I cut XMIL out of my life 1 year before he left for his whore. I guess he needed someone else to join their love triangle…enter co-worker whore, now wifetress..

          Fucking sick.

          • Wow NoKibble4U glad you stepped out of that circus, those monkeys are fucking sick!!

          • Brings to mind Norman Bates and his momma! Sickos!

            • That’s mine too! Now that he has abandoned my 12 year old and he has attached to me in a more protective way, I worry sometimes he might turn to that momma’s boy. Any tips on prevention?

              • (Qualifying as a formerly dumped by dad 12-year old, who my mom blamed for their divorce and “ruining her life”) -You’re so smart to see that this is what’s happening. A lesser person might just feel flattered, and a very disordered person might encourage him. I truly admire you for breaking this chain, which could have ruined his life.

                What you’re describing jibes with what I’ve read on “attachment disorder” -though No One can diagnose him but a qualified professional.

                At twelve, a person should be experimenting with autonomy from their parents- the classic “Ewww, Mom. Don’t kiss me in public.” Social events with peers should be becoming more important. He’s absorbed your values, but needs to compare and test them with his peers.

                My thought is to find the moment to kindly acknowledge the loss of the other parent, while publicly encouraging him to spread his wings. Encourage his involvement with music, sports, theater.

                Find a therapist for him who he can get tearful and mad with, who will invest in being stable for him. Try to keep other stable elements in his life, so it’s not a disaster to lose one source.

                This is the time for him to manifest “I love you- get away from me!” and if it doesn’t run its course at this stage, he’ll get stuck in it as an adult.

                Until he gets stabilized again, he is very vulnerable to predatory adults and bullying by other, possibly older children. Keep an ear out for too many occurances of being stood up by friends, or stories that he “loses” expensive things like his phone or musical instruments.

                Explore his ideas of what he’d like to study in college, and what it will take to get there.

                My feeling is that the best model for a child is seeing their primary parent leading a full happy life and attaining their goals. -Sending you both warm wishes for your happiness

  • An all-expense paid vacation to Florida so that, like Ponce de Leon, Hannibal Lecher can search for the Fountain of Youth he craves.

    • Tempest, PLEASE don’t send him my way,….we have enough asshole exes squatting here!

      • Yes tempest please dont!!! All chumps come on cheaters stay away!!!

      • Oh, then look out. The Limited can’t wait to move to Florida. I doubt he’ll make it. The two of then are unemployable.

      • Don’t worry about him arriving any time soon; to date he’s been searching for the Fountain of Youth in young women’s vajayjays.

        • Tempest – Karma serves the best stories in the kinds of fluids Hannibal is… ummhhh… sampling from…

    • Maybe tickets for a one-way trip for the ex and his flavor du jour to one of the uninhabited keys. Wait, no I am not heartless, they could go to one that is inhabited — by insects and crocodiles.

    • Borderline meets covert narcissist. Couldn’t think of a better gift for the deserving couple of soulless mates. She fears abandonment and he can’t attach. I was going to say body bags believing she will kill him when she finds out he’s still cheating. However, she has him on lock down for life. I’m not sure how he will get out alive, lol.

  • More beer kitsch! My ex loves to decorate the house with beer-themed crap, including his collection of beer tap handles that currently adorn their living room wall. (Evidently the 200+ beer tap handles are more important to prominently display than the canvas prints of our son that I sent him for Xmas from said son.) What woman doesn’t want to wake up to beer paraphernalia every day? Their registry includes a neon beer sign to hang on the wall, a temporary storage bin for the bottles he refuses to recycle until he has soaked off the label to sell in lots on eBay for $1 (half of our counters used to be taken up by empty beer bottles that he wouldn’t let me get rid of…that smelled lovely), and maybe some display cases for his beer bottle cap and beer coaster collections. Oh, and extra diaper storage, since they have a new baby and he got mad at me once for suggesting that his floor-to-ceiling plastic totes of beer crap might need to get moved out of the tiny apartment and into the shed so that we had a place to store our son’s diapers and clothes. (I paid dearly for not adequately appreciating his collection of beer shit and expecting our son’s needs to supersede his beer collection’s needs. You see, I wasn’t adequately appreciating his individuality and he claimed we had nothing in common, I guess because I didn’t have my own collection of beer junk to clutter that tiny apartment.)

    The last gift on their registry is a roll of industrial strength garbage bags to get rid of all that crap.

    • Id get them a case of Febreze and book on how to decorate so that you don’t look like trailer park trash.

      • YES!

        And the fact that he tied his “individuality” to his collection of beer paraphernalia shows how the thinks individuality is made: through consumption…of the same useless crap that hundreds of thousands of other men purchase.

        My ex wife used to praise people who “didn’t fit the norm.” But if you dug into that at all, what she really meant was that she praised people who chose to LOOK differently, through consumption. For example, she praised a female white doctor who had dreadlocks as “not caring what people think.”

        I had to correct my ex. “Actually, Dr. Dreadlocks VERY much cares what people think about her appearance. She wants to be seen as different and special because of a chosen physical difference from the norm: her hair. All of us choose our appearance and know that others view that appearance. Those of us who choose to look VERY different from the average person VERY much want to be judged for being visually different.”

        Ex wife didn’t like my lecture to her, as it deflated her bubble, and let her know what I really thought about her four tattoos. There’s nothing more conformist than physical displays of “individuality.” It’s actions that make us individuals; not appearance.

        • It sounds like she was projecting how she wanted to view herself onto how she views other people. I completely agree that manufactured appearances (like in your example) are intended to create a specific reaction in people, or to form a specific set of judgments, and therefore the person does indeed care very much. Some people must be drawn to manufacturing an identity when they don’t feel comfortable with their own. And boy does that lack of self awareness and personal discomfort manifest in unpleasant ways.

    • For the love of beer gods, the imagery. I can see it and actually smell the stench. A beer bottle hoarder?! Barf.

      • It was as gross as you imagine. The worst was when he rinsed them out to soak off the labels and big chunks of mold would come out. But if I disposed of the bottles or complained, you’d think I dumped his wallet in the trash and personally insulted him. FFS, I would have given him the $1 he’d earn on eBay to just get rid of the damn bottles. I think it turned into a passive aggressive thing to get under my skin.

  • When my STBX pervert looks in the mirror- he sees Brad Pitt. Not the poorly ageing, sagging, old man with no personality or morals. What to buy for that? Hmmm? Is there some kind of “Truth Mirror” out there?

  • Perhaps Anne will gift wrap a copy of the wonder book, Humpty Dumpty and send it to David!

    • Oh shit, I meant Sarah not Anne,
      Oh well Sarah can resend it soon enough to David!

  • Ex used to love camping vans so I guess now that he is on number three marriage and is bankrupt he might want one to live in. ?

  • Anne can resend,
    No, I am not a drinker,
    Just busy today, but keep laughing at chumps Friday Fun!
    No more typos for me.

  • A paid subscription to because when suspicion and obsession to know the truth hits, they will want to know where the new affair partners live, how to contact them, where to spy on them, etc.

  • I had mine picked out a long time ago. What do you get two cheaters who found each other again after 35 years apart (her high school boy friend)?
    I want to give them a copy of your book mounted in a shadow box picture frame with, etched on the glass “Break Glass in Case of Infidelity”. They will cheat on each other and the book will be needed. 🙂

    • Forgot to mention she marries him in 5 weeks (June 10th). Happy days for me. No more alimony. 🙂

      • Marked711 Yay! Paying for a cheater has got to be stomach churning!

        I’m doing the opposite….never marrying again so that I can clean the fucker out till the day he dies.

  • It’s kind of hard to imagine what a cheater and his cocheater would need. I mean my goodness they already have the Flaming pile of dog s*** known as a lying cheating whore, I’m sorry I mean twu wub. People on here feel bad because the cheater was a piss ant but they were hiding that fact from the chump. The cheaters don’t even have that excuse. They knew what they were when they picked them up. I know if my ex had shown me what he really was when we started dating there would have been no dating. So who’s the fool here here? Not me.

  • When Ex-Douchecanoe married OW I fantasized about mailing her a vibrator with a note attached “trust me, you are going to need this.” Ex-Douchecanoe wasn’t a particularly attentive lover if you catch my drift. And it only got worse as the years went on. All about him and his little solider.

  • For my ex, a mirror so she can watch her back. For the fuckstick, a gift card at CVS so he can buy his STD meds. For both of them a book on ‘How to cheat and not get caught.’

    I wish them both the same pain they have caused me and my kids. The same level of head fuck distrust of others. In other words I wish them on themselves.

    • Jmurman…. Not sure who the XPOS is with now because he’s gone through a few since I left but I definitely wish him the same pain he caused me too! And I wanna watch!

  • Nightmare in real time is the right phrase . Still get nightmares of AP invading my home with her kids and the ex beside her with a blank expression. 9 months from D Day and 5 months from the divorce. I guess it will never really end especially with kids involved . Luckily i made sure the house was transferred to me as part of thd settlement. My humor,always dry, has turned to gallows humor of late. Life will never be truly peaceful as long as the ex exists. So have learnt to live is a state of uneasiness and occasional high alert /code red panic mode. Sucks but its way better than being stuck with the fuckwit!

    • For months after d-day I kept having nightmares about skanks, hoes and bimbos in my house- while my STBX pervert protected them from me- the bitch.

      I need a dream catcher!

  • One last thing- a case of ramen noodles and a few packs of turkey hot dogs. Paying for 2 households is driving my STBX pervert into the poor house. Constantly whining about how he barely has money for groceries.

    He will have to cut back on his web cam hoe/porn bills if he wants to eat better.

    • Another gift.

      A huge tshirt in puke green to cover 40 belly and increasing man boobs that says in bright gold sparkle “Beware i only care about my dick and my wallet, you’ve been warned!.”

      And for her a moomoo in puke yellow that says “I will sleep with your husband and enjoy destroying your marriage, want some money?”

  • First I would have to put in the names:

    Woody Orwoodynot, ESQ and Miss Pussy4moneypants

    DVD Brokeback Mountain (because he just can’t quit her/him/whomever/whatever)
    Cooking oil
    Men’s butt/balls shaving kit
    Binoculars (in case of emergency)
    3pk of blown out men’s boxers
    Party masks and wigs (so she can be someone different when he gets bored)
    Matching mirrors

  • 2 cans of crap

    Hawaii Cooks with Spam Cookbook

    Hot Dog Maker

    Matching set of body condoms

    Pez style Viagra Dispenser

    55 gallon drum of anti-lice shampoo (for crabs) with pump

    A bag of gummy dicks

    50 lbs of shiny sparkly glitter

    A bottle of Champipple (A blended mix of Champagne and Ripple)

    • Oh this is hilarious. As a CPA I appreciate the succinct, matter-of-fact nature of your list. The only suggestion I’d add is a Costco size tub of Elmer’s for all of that glitter. Happy Friday to you!!

      • OMG!!!

        Champipple! My new favorite word. I will use it every day.

        “Tripod? Would you care to share a glass of champipple with me?” Says Schmoop du jour.

  • You know those “smiley” pillows was you see in Walmart? I’d like to get him the one shaped likes poo… because I like to refer to him as Le Poop.

    Although I think I’d be better off getting it for myself, and displaying it proudly on the couch as a constant reminder I no longer have Le Poop in my life, and should be very grateful for that! ?

    • My son has a poo emoji cushion from the aus version of the dollar store, they do exist. A good idea is also to save his name as a poo emoji on your iphone!

      • I changed his name on my phone as Asshole with a picture of a clown a long time ago.

        • I changed asswipes avatar to a limp crying dick. It suits him!

    • I agree because sometimes we get relationship amnesia and forget all the crap they did to us…

      • So true! This is why I keep a handwritten journal- one of those cheap Composition books that I doodle on the covers and in the margins like a vintage Pee-Chee.
        I’d vented with great accuracy as it turned out, about an abusive man I’d been spun around and then dumped by, and how I knew he’d enjoyed being cruel. Of Course years later he’d found me again and laid a big line on me on the phone “You were so great, that was my biggest mistake of my life…” So phony. And I dug out that journal and read it back to him in a letter “Says here ‘I notice how when he gets mad, he grinds his teeth, just loud enough for me to hear’ and I included how it had felt to be dumped for a woman who was so sleazy.

        He said, “I wish you’d never found that journal.”

        Yeah, I just bet that part is 100% true, cupcake.

  • A mirror. All they need to keep themselves busy both individually and as a couple, though they will ironically gaze at themselves endlessly without ever truly seeing.

    • So true cashmere. After stbx left, the projection from him was glaring. The kids were always saying “he needs to look in the mirror.” So for Christmas, 15 year old daughter asks me to take her to get Stbx a mirror for his new house. I did and she gave it to him but as expected he was clueless. It hangs in his hallway.

      I think all the books are great ideas but sadly they are lost on these narcs!

      I would add in a trip to the wizard: he could use a heart, a brain and some courage.

      • I told XH if he ever saw the wizard he needed to ask for a conscience.

    • I was thinking XH & OW should have some sort of head-mount full-face mirrors, so when they’re screwing each other, they’re each looking at themselves, which I’m certain is the pinnacle of eroticism for them.

      • No doubt! Tmi but Stbx always had this weird fettish about sex in front of a mirror!

          • I think we should buy the ex a mirror, tell him to shove it up his ass and see if he can find his soul in there somewhere!

            • Nomoreskankboy- glad to see you remain optimistic! I have trouble with that.

  • I’d send them Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha Brewster with their special wine…and of course “Teddy Roosevelt” Brewster as well.

  • Also a matching set of Beer Koozies that say “Soulmates”

  • Assholio is not with the MOW anymore, but if they ever get back together and get engaged, here is their registry:
    Pedestal: so he can be worshiped like a rock star (he actually said this in MC).
    Craigs List app: as soon as she dials back the blow jobs, he can have another source.
    Body shaver: it’s her job now.
    Live-in babysitter: for her, so she can sneak out to see Assholio at any time, and not leave her 8 y.o. kid home alone like she used to do.
    Life-time supply of batteries: for her vibrators because he only cares about his own orgasm.
    Dictionary: they can share this since they both have fourth grade vocabulary and spelling.
    Life-time supply of lube: for jerking off to internet porn in the middle of the night because he “can’t sleep.”
    Friends: he has none
    Anal bleach: so she can keep it lookin’ purty for him
    Life-time subscriptions to Boating, Boater’s World, Passage Maker, BoatsUS, Live-Aboard Lifestyle, etc. so he can continue his escapist fantasies of living full-time on a boat.

  • Ongoing refills of Viagra, hair dye, and a weekly shipment of Red Bull.

    Before I jettisoned all of his family and our mutual friends out of my life, one of them had to pass along the gossip that he’d found himself a sugar mama. Who’s recently divorced, her kids are grown and out of the house, and she found herself lonely for a man with a little bit of divorce settlement money to blow on some fun.

    Ex cheater is a 40 year old man. The thought of him servicing some lonely older divorcee’ in exchange for trips to the tribal casino, new clothes from the mall, and suppers at Olive Garden and Red Lobster makes me laugh so hard. He better keep his aging boytoy game on point, or mama will slam her purse shut and trade him in for a younger model.

    If I had money to spend on a sugar baby, he’d be young, cute, well hung, and blessed with plenty of stamina. Not some 40 year old guy with a lot of city miles on him who’s only adequate in the sack. Just sayin’.

    • Schmoopie bought my EX too. She’s 8 years older than him, 13 years older than me.

      If she thinks he actually loves HER, she’s living in fantasy land. He loves what she’s doing for him: bought him a house with his dream garage, “rescued” him from the latest in a series of jobs where he’s SO UNHAPPY because “no one ever listens to me and I’m NOT APPRECIATED!”, got him out from under that “oppressive mortgage and bills” (the house was 5 years from being paid off – years after it should have been, but we’d needed to refi and pull equity out to live on since the asshole had to change jobs every two – three years). He got only about $75k in the settlement, has no retirement accounts – I fought off his taking mine – and is horrible with money. If he has a dollar, he spends 10. He’ll run through that money in record time, if he hasn’t already. Maybe he’s banking on her kicking it before him and collecting on her insurance as she has no family to leave it to.

      They married last November; I found out recently. So, I’d like to send . . .

      For him: a backbrace so he can stand his poor, tired, self up to receive all all the blowjobs he apparently requires.

      For her: one of those padded garden kneeler things with the side handles to assist in getting off one’s knees.

      And all the karma they richly deserve.

  • OW in my case needs that Harry Potter sorting hat. Pay on-line and pick up from

    Because after ten years and a Soul Mate in-between, he has circulated back to her.

    And she seems to have NO idea that she is being used. It has to be a deep and meaningful connection!

    What are the qualities to be OW again?
    1. to be dim
    2. to be available

  • For the OW? Gravol for the rollercoaster ride he’ll take her on.

    For the Ex? A brown paper bag for the OW’s head.

  • I’ll send OW antivirals and an information packet for the herpes. I’m willing to bet stbx didn’t disclose his little affliction, considering she had unprotected sex with him right away. (At least he was cautious and forthright with me. I was fortunate to never have contracted it)
    I’ll get stbx a case of IPA. He can fart her out of the bedroom. Beer makes him fart. Not just regular farts, but “my god did something die in here????” kinda farts. Doesn’t stop him from drinking it though.
    I’ll send them both a lovely card, wishing them the best but will have to address to Mr. Fucktard plus One as stbx wouldn’t disclose ow’s identity.
    Oh, and I’ll get them both a full length mirror in which to look at their deplorable, narcissistic selves each and every day.

  • I’m sure what they WANT (since they are, actually, getting married) is:
    — His & hers skateboards (hers with training wheels and supports for her stiletto boots she wears everywhere);
    — A lifetime supply to Mirror R Us
    — New high tech running shoes to keep their feet supported as they run, run, run on that Hedonic Treadmill always in search of New and Shiny.

    But what they deserve is:
    — Matching burial plots in a cemetery which buries shallow people only two inches below the surface (also convenient for exes to coming along and piss on them, should they so desire);
    — His & hers “I am a Cheater” tattoos on their foreheads, so they can be spotted at a distance and everyone interacting with them can be forewarned;
    And most importantly:
    — Scrotal rejuvenation therapy and support briefs for XH’s varicocele testicle — I mean, if it hangs that low at age 39, I hate to see what it’s gonna look like ten years from now! Fortunately, I don’t have to.

  • Wife left me and cheated with my cousin.

    Gift s/b a banjo, to play the deliverance song on!

    • Family fuckers suck. Ask me, I know.

      Here is their typical conversation Rick.

      Exw:: Hoddamn, you play a mean banjo!
      Cousin: You got a real pertty mouth ain’t you?
      Cousin: SQUEAL LIKE A PIG! …
      Exw: Weeeeeeeeeee!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!

  • Cialis, because he needs it to get it up.

    Lube, an economy pack of socks, and an industrial strength washing machine to support his porn and masturbation habit.

    A good bra for poor schmoopie, who doesn’t seem to realize they’re not supposed to be level with your navel.

    A meal delivery service. She doesn’t know how to cook, and he does it poorly.

    A truckload of kitty litter and several cases of Febreze. They’ve got like five cats between them, and I know he won’t touch the litter pan, so I’m sure that place smells just fantastic.

    • Hahahahaha – you are Too kind to be looking out for him like this.

  • Yay! I can play, too! Schmoopie and CheaterX tied the knot last summer, about 2.5 months after I moved out of the marital home and 7 months after the divorce was finalized (long story, had to do with settlement money).

    1. DIY Divorce Kit with pre-signed decree–Why waste valuable time waiting for the legal wheels to turn when you know that the marriage will be over as soon as a better prospect turns up or the money runs out? The DIY Divorce Kit makes things easier for those who understand the importance of marital business.

    2. Security Camera System with Motion Sensors and Voice-Activated Recording–Fidelity is hard. You know the importance of eternal vigilance. This discrete system has everything you need to monitory your spouse’s fidelity. Place cameras in the bedroom, living room–anywhere you believe that the action could occur. Voice-activated recording means that you won’t miss a thing when the lights are out.

    Schmoopie recently filed for divorce from CheaterX. The marriage didn’t last a year. She’s now traded him in for a man whom she’d had an affair with some years ago, but this man owns his own business. My own guess is that CheaterX lost his financial attractiveness. According to a sad sausage voicemail that CheaterX sent me a few weeks ago, Schmoopie was obsessed with me and thought that CheaterX and I were meeting clandestinely, that he was cheating on her with me, and told him that she had secret cameras and other surveillance equipment set up in the home. She had all sorts of his out-loud ramblings recorded.

    1. If true, she’s genuinely psychotic.
    2. LOL! Like I’d take him back after he cheated on me! He’s just as delusional as she is. No way do I want that negativity back in my life!
    3. Karma is a bitch.

  • Soon after D-Day – I got a White T-shirt that said “Fuck You you Fucking Fuck” – I wanted to have it delivered to his office – had it all planned – just couldn’t pull the trigger. I still have the shirt. Anyone want it? 🙂

      • I almost bought a great t shirt saying ‘ I got 99 problems and you are all of them.’ Really wanted to wear on Xmas day, 3 weeks after d day but chickened out buying it.

  • My Ex was known as “Tripod” throughout our circle and beyond. You know—just a dick with legs.

    The various and sundry schmoopsies were/are….how shall I put this….not very bright and definitely in the “repeated the 10th grade several times” category?

    So, I believe this gift should satisfy both Ex and his Schmoops du jour.

    He gets to whip it out at a moment’s notice (and it actually takes longer to pull that teeny weeny through his always lubed up zipper hole than the act itself does), doesn’t have to talk to schmoops or give direction—PICTURES!!!—and off they go! Or, brace yourself, here he comes? Whichever. It screams “ROMANCE”!

    You know the old joke, “why was the bride smiling as she walked down the aisle?”

    Because she knew that was the last blowjob she’ll have to give.

    I am grateful down to my very soul that I never, EVER have to have that filthy thing near my face again. Schmoopseeeeees (plural) can worry about throat cancer.

    • GlassHalfFull – OMG Tripod is hilarious
      Littlemightyme – man this would’ve been great to have before – could’ve wasted way less than 8 years with that ass.

  • CL…Would you mind running Chris Rock’s rolling Stone magazine interview through the ubt sometime?

    • I read it yesterday. He was all over the show wasn’t he? But finally came clean about his entitlement.

  • Several free standing full length mirrors for 360 viewing of their “fabulous” selves – Because who’s any better than them?

    A go-pro with extra batteries so they can film themselves with heir latest conquests and compare them to all the others. Because, again, no one does it better than them – they can review tape and give themselves pointers…


    • Awww it’s their wedding registry and I think you should splurge!

      How about some vinyl knee-pads? 🙂

  • What about having a friend drop off a package on their wedding day with his and hers tee shirts. One can say ‘I’m special’ and the other ‘I do(n’t).

  • It’s a belated gift, but who knew it would turn out this way?

    The Coward really does not like dogs at all. They’re messy and smelly, they require attention and money, they need to be considered when making plans, they bark, they get on the furniture, but most importantly, they are a distraction for Twatty when all attention and adoration should be focused on him like it was when he left home for her.

    Well, now Twatty The Rescuer is up to THREE chihuahuas, and I have no doubt in my mind that he ain’t happy about that, and that’s BEFORE all the vet bills start rolling in, which means she’ll be coming after “his” money eventually.

    But, hey. They’re a FAMILY now! She’s probably a better mother than I am, too. I mean, if she’d had children of her own, she’d have done a way better job than I have done, as evidenced by how much she loves her puppies. Also I have a potty mouth, so.

    In that spirit, I would like to send over a set of custom matching sweaters: His, Hers, 1 for each current pookie, and a couple spares for the wi’l peanuts she’s going to bring home eventually. (Awww!)

      • Oh, poop. Meant to post this one, instead. I’m giggling so hard:

        • FUCK! I’m trying to post the one “My Wife is a Pottymouth” It’s soooooooo fucking hilarious!

          • “She hurts me when she says things like that.”

            “Kinky sex will make you feel better. You can punish me for talking dirty.”

            I am dying here, Stephanie!

          • This is fucking hilarious. I had to shut my office door because I am laughing so loudly. OMG!

          • Rolling on the floor laughing at the Schmoopie cartoons! Awesome! Thank you for the smiles and laughs during the worse time of my life!

      • Thanks for cleaning up my mess, Tempest! Here’s the most funny of all the Soulmate Schmoopie vids in my humble opinion. In case you’re wondering, I’m on the wife’s team:

        • OMFG I am going to get a hernia from laughing so hard. Help! I’m hyperventilating.

          • Omg thanks so much for this!!! Who new my Styx was staring in a you tube series! Laughing out loud is right!

            • That’s just too funny, I followed the link to one called “My Wife Knows Everything” and I scared my dog laughing so much! Thank you!

        • These YouTube cartoons got me through some of my darkest times… So hilarious, so true. Still funny.
          <3 Thanks for sharing this.

        • “She hurts my feelings when she says things like that.”

          “Kinky sex will make you feel better. You can punish me for talking dirty.”

          I’m dying here, Stephanie!

  • For him: A year long ‘back crack sack’ membership at the waxing salon

    Mirrors. Lots of mirrors, all sizes.

    One of those hands free soap dispensers for the night stand, filled w lube.

    For her: Gardeners knee pads for her. Even the reinforced knee pants can’t handle the work she does. Plus she’s 50, and like an MLB pitcher or bathroom tiler, those joints give out. So I guess she’ll also need something that will help get her back up to standing. Cuz I’m nice.

    • Cocoa butter salve for AP/GF’s torso (back and front) after she’s pricked by X’s shaved chest hairs as they grow back in.

  • Matching bongs. Or purple dildos, in salute of a fellow chump.

  • For my STBX and his Sweetie, a private investigator, both are married and both cheated on their spouses. How would they ever be able to trust each other since neither have any morals or empathy for others? Also, a monthly medical exam to show each other since one partner is not enough.

  • For him: A Block and Tackle to hoist the after-market jugs she had installed that now resolutely hang somewhere in the vicinity of her navel like two pitiful deflated pepperoni sticks. (What a money shot.) A “banana hammock” that actually goes on the kitchen counter.

    For her: An electron microscope for a “Locator Service,” a Million Candlewatt light for Dick Jacking (off) and a “Field Guide to Flora and Fauna” so she can properly identify WTF is growing in those adipose gut folds and itches/crawls “down there”-that she posted a hack about called “Panty ‘Raid’ In a Can.”

    For both: A lifetime supply of “Anal-ease” because nothing says “asshole” like a whole lotta lube in a tube.

  • With the hindsight that comes from being 10 years out from my divorce followed by my X’s near immediate marriage to his mistress, I can look back and see exactly what they would have needed for their wedding registry had they had one:
    1. A big box of tissues.  These are for Schmoopie to wipe her tears as she lay alone in the hospital room for months before giving birth prematurely to her remaining live twin.  You see, Schmoopie began her secret affair with my husband while I was pregnant with our younger child, and they were focused on each other throughout the pregnancy and while I was in the hospital going through a problematic labor and delivery during which my baby almost died. She was the first person my husband called after the birth, before either of our families. Then he left me alone in the hospital for three days while he went cavorting around with her. Their plan had been to break the news to me that he was divorcing me AS SOON AS my baby was born while I was still in the hospital.  But the delivery problems complicated all that.  So my husband waited a whole week to break the news to me. Fast forward two years later as Schmoopie is in the hospital for months in her own even more high risk situation, carrying one live twin and the one who died en utero. Her fabulous new prize of a hubby hardly ever even comes to visit her in the hospital. She had a lot of time to lay there and think about how it was now her turn to be pregnant and alone in the hospital. Cry away, bitch. You’ve got plenty of tissue.
    2. The phone number of a good bankruptcy lawyer. Schmoopie, you are going to need one. How did it feel when you were alone in that hospital room, just starting labor prematurely, when you got that phone call from the billing department of the hospital telling you your insurance had lapsed? That new hubby you won is such a “prize” that he let your insurance lapse knowing your and your baby’s precarious situation. Wow. Some Soul Mate.  
    3. A week’s supply of red shirts. I know you told your first husband that by divorcing him and marrying mine that you were going to finally have “The Life:” The house, the clothes, the charity galas, the family. You were going get to stay home and be the perfect wife, the perfect mom and perfect stepmom. Well, that life you coveted was mostly provided by me, myself and I. You weren’t counting on your new hubby to blow up his architecture practice, were you? Here’s a lesson for you: It’s hard to grow a business when one is constantly chasing tail and jacking off to porn. Now, aren’t you the lucky one to soon get to go to your brand-new job at Target. I know you don’t feel you were meant to work all hours of the day and night in retail. I know you have a college degree. After all — you were my intern!!!! Sadly, I’m also your only professional job reference. For some reason, I haven’t had any calls from prospective employers even though I would SO LOVE to tell them ALL about you. So I guess Target it is. Enjoy your new red shirts.  And I’ll even throw in some Tide so you can keep them sparkly clean for your next shift.
    4. A 5-year supply of bus tokens. I know it’s hard to imagine taking the bus right now when your lover-boy is shuttling you around town in that fancy German sports sedan. But in the not too distant future, the RePo man is going to take it.  And when you fork over a bunch of money to help your hubby get it out of impoundment, he’ll let it be repossessed again, but not after embarrassing the shit out of you by picking up your kids in the carpool line at school with the RePo guy’s shoe-polish markings still covering the car’s exterior. While I’m at it I think I’ll throw in a scarf so you can hide your face in shame.
    5. My address book/contact list. Might as well just put it out there so my X can just scroll right through it and hit on all my friends. Yeah, I know all about how you recently hit on my best friend when you found out she was getting divorced. She was so clueless she actually believed you when you said you were calling her to tell her what a beautiful ballet recital she directed. But she caught on when you feigned “marital separation” with the OWife and asked my friend to go to a concert with you. She hung up on you so fast your head is still spinning.
    6. A short leash. No explanation needed.
    6. A crystal ball. So you both can look into your sad, pathetic train-wreck of a future and see what is going to hit you even though you are powerless to stop it. Hear that laughter echoing in the background???? That would be me, myself and I. Best wishes, bitch.
    P.S. to ChumpNation: X and Schmoopie’s divorce was final last December, after 11 years of wedded “bliss.” It was kinda sad for me, because they made each other so miserable, their long and loveless marriage was my revenge. Now X is skipping about happy go lucky without a care in the world. Drat.

    • I love happy endings, well except for the bit about X all happy go lucky. I hope his Karma will be next.

      • No worries. He has chronic kidney stones. Plus anyone with a history of such poor choices is bound to eff up his life again. I hope he enjoys this brief reprieve. It’ll make the inevitable crisis that much more jolting when he creates it. In the meantime, I’m meh and have moved on, happily remarried, etc. It’s just fun once in a while to do un-meh stuff like this contest on Chumplady. Plus it’s fun to show the new Chumps that karma does sometimes roll around.

    • Wow, that’s a bus load of karma right there.

    • What a fucking mess, no doubt the chaos will continue when he finds his next sucker.

    • Miss Delta, no matter how many times I’ve read about your experience, it hits me in the solar plexus every single time. Your ex and his schmoopie–that’s the monster truck version of the karma bus. What really is breathtaking is how little (if anything at all) he seems to have absorbed from any of this. Hitting on your best friend? The man is beyond redemption, and I don’t say that lightly.

      You, on the other hand, are mighty as hell!

  • What they need
    For new schmoopies an eye mask and ear plugs for when he plaus porn on the tablet at least then gropes her awake. lots of lube and tissues, many tissues, rose tinted glasses and reminders to anticipate disordered ex’s ever changing needs and lavishly give kibbles, reminders that he is friendly and can’t help those Facebook propositions (didn’t they get the memo to private messages) tight outfits you are expected to pick me dance, and Brazilian waxing kits cause that s how it looks in porn
    For him integrity, therapy, morals empathy frespomsibilty-for-dependants I could go on

  • Limited on time so for your reveiw:
    1. A book for government benefits since neither want a job. Support from x ends in a year.
    2. Used prescription drugs for boyfriend since he’s an addict and I’m lost my mercedes insurance in the divorce.
    3. Adult toys for our adventures together.
    4. A bible. I’m a “Jesus cheater”
    5. Helper for around my house. We don’t like to clean or cook. Heard rumors others are talking about the dishes piled in the sink and the general stink in the house.
    6. Knee pads. Well, I pray a lot. Use to with a youth minister.
    7. Well, really i’ll take anything.

  • Jackass and the MOW didn’t make it long past D-Day because evidently it was more fun when I wasn’t in on the deal. Jackass isn’t worth bothering But MOW ended up alone working 2 jobs, so she could use some help.

    MOW’s gift registry, based on her Pinterest posts would include a crystal-studded Kitchen-Aid standing mixer (or a camo Kitchen-Aid, maybe both so she can bake in whatever personal she’s trying out that day). Bohemian plus-sized lingerie. Coach purse. Kate Spade purse. Louis Vuitton purse. Camo pattern bed-in-a-bag. Anything with lots of diamonds in it. Clothing suitable for a size 6 high school girl. A Schmoopie who can buy her a 3500 Sq. foot HGTV house…

    • Camo pattern bed-in-a-bag

      I am killing myself laughing here. hahahahah!

  • A personalized pen and pencil set for her. Ex doesn’t know how to write a check or balance a checkbook, so she’ll be handling those duties.

    A calculator for her – so she can add up all the ATM receipts he’ll never give her – even after the mortgage payments start to bounce.

    Books about Narcissists. I highly doubt that he’ll read them– although they are all about him. Maybe I’ll just slap his picture on the front…nah – he can hardly read anyway.

    A few books about raising kids –she doesn’t have any and doesn’t seem to have a clue. He has two and also doesn’t seem to have a clue.

    Pfaltgraff dinnerware. He could never remember important dates but for some reason he always remembered the name of our pattern. Too bad I sold our set.

    Waterford crystal – he desperately needed some of our old pieces – so he could sell them at the flea market. Too bad when I boxed them up I “accidentally” dropped them and they broke. Some new ones should make both of them happy.

    A new laptop – this way it will come with instructions on how to use it for good things – like helping the kids with their homework, etc. He already knows how to use it for porn.

    A box of clues that they can both use, but not a box of fucks cuz I don’t have any left.

    • Send him that laptop with Parental Controls turned on, which would block all porn sites. Also to filter out the adult ebooks. You get the idea.
      Then lock the admin level with a 500-character long password.

      What a lovely gift, and so thoughtful.

  • -A Fleshlight ’cause women who have had a couple of kids aren’t tight enough for him
    -an electric back shaver from the Sharper Image so he can tend to his own grooming
    -“Tired Old Ass” soak for his tub time
    -plastic surgery for scrotal rejuvenation for the sagging nut sack
    -lifetime supply of “Betty Beauty” to cover up the gray pubes that freak him out (his and hers)
    -a regifting of the cheap,polyester crotchless panties from Frederick’s of Hollywood. BTW I would have preferred something from La Perla-what a cheap motherf*cker

    • Well…. I went ahead and Googled Fleshlight. Too late now.

      Maybe he just needs more girth instead of complaining about the woman who gave birth to his babies? Seems to me like that’s a virgin fetish. Or he’s on the pedo end of the spectrum? Gross.

      • You got it right the first time-smallish pecker…

  • XH is not with OW; it doesn’t look like there will be a wedding as she does not want to divorce her husband to take on an unemployed man. He does not have a vehicle to pursue her with since I got our shared vehicle in the divorce (D-Day occurred after he stained the car seat having sex with OW). His mother took him in but did not buy him a vehicle. OW was WAY TOO FAB to provide transportation to continue the affair.

    In the event a wedding ever takes place, the wedding registry would list:

    For her: A chastity belt so that when XH and OW are not together, he would be assured that she was not out fucking yet ANOTHER married man.

    For him: If she is brave and foolhardy enough to let him drive her car solo, install a camera and video activated recorder so that the next time he gets his freak on in a car without her, it is recorded and preserved for posterity. If she is faint of heart and not willing to let him drive her car solo (knowing how they messed up mine), then a really uncomfortable pair of shoes so he can’t go too far when out trolling for strange on foot when she is busy at work making the bacon to pay the bills.

    • Chumptacular~ Scmoopie got the booby prize! An unemployed cheater with no car- yuck! I’d throw a few bus tokens on the gift registry- so he will have a way to “get around town.”

      For her: I’d give her a case of Summer’s Eve feminine hygiene products (douches)- so she can fumigate her “girly parts” between all the married men.

  • A his and hers T-shirt with …

    “Already disturbed. Proceed with caution.”

  • This is very un-meh-like of me, but…

    I wish them everything they truly deserve. In the same way I once told him they are the perfect match, and he mistakenly took that as a compliment, too.

    Mirrors. Lots and lots of mirrors to cover every wall in their house. That they should be surrounded by their own ugliness. They don’t even have to be funhouse mirrors.

    Moments of clarity, when they realize what assholes they are and shudder at the moral crimes they committed on people whose only crime was loving someone evil. Like a ghost walking on their grave moments of clarity.

    A well-crafted, Ponzi scheme investment. So all the money he stole from us is lost in a flash.

  • My ex had a 10 year old laptop that hardly worked; we had to watch netflix, pay bills, search the internet using my computer. Read between the lines – done by me, see? How convenient.

    My attempts to encourage him to upgrade his technology so that all of our technology needs didn’t fall onto me and my laptop were met with disdain. He was a special sausage! How dare I? He was a… (wait for it). HIPSTER. He liked his 10 year old laptop that hardly worked probably BECAUSE it frustrated me. The prick.

    It sounds like such a menial thing; but now, when I date a man and he has an up-to-date computer and phone, I am like – thank the lord baby jesus!

    So, perhaps irrelevant, barely functioning electronics would be a great gift to my cheating POS ex.

    Also he had erectile dysfunction and came very quickly. That’s fine, nothing wrong with that. I do not body shame other people. Bodies are weird like that. When I gently and sensitively suggested going to the doctor, tantric breathing, taking breaks, jerking off before penetrative sex, I was again met with disdain. BUT MY PESHAW IS SO SENSITIVE! Is all he would say. End of topic. Peshaw is penis in Serbian. He didn’t really care about my experience in having sex, so why should he have bothered? Just shut down. That’ was his tactic. Stonewall.

    So perhaps he and schmoopie would like some Viagra as well.

    God, why did I waste my time with that POS? It’s embarrassing, when you look back. Working on fixing my picker.

  • Unfortunately my ex has gone from strength to strength financially since we divorced. He screwed me over in the divorce and has walked away with millions (tied up in a trust)and a big job.
    I got what I had before I met him, plus tiny spousal support.
    He is not even paying that, nor proper child maintenance.
    I have spent a fortune on lawyers and trust me when dealing with an arsehole like mine, they are useless. The Uk divorce system is based on honest disclosure which is a joke.
    I would give my ex and slapper a Private detective as a wedding gift. He has, as I discovered, always cheated.On every girlfriend he has ever had.
    Very much doubt that has changed.
    She is also a serial cheat and has a big job. Feedback is that she is hard as nails.
    What would be simply fabulous is him cheating on her. Doubt very much she would take it lightly and boy would I enjoy watching the show. If she cheats on him even more fabulous as he has always done it to others.
    Not yet at meh as you can see. Need to work on the” not wanting revenge” bit. Have however mastered the yuck what a total creep bit of recovery, plus no I do not ever want him back bit.

  • The other thing worth knowing if you live in the UK is that the system of family courts is totally broken.
    What happens is, even if you get a signed court order, and your ex is as arrogant as mine, then they just don’t do it.
    Then you end up in enforcement, and although lawyers bang on about ” he will go to jail”. Nothing happens. I know someone who has been to court 9 times, won every time , costs of 100k, he still lives in the family home. He has not done any of the court rulings, has been threatened with jail, blah blah. Nothing happens.
    So, as a naive ignorant member of the public you keep spending a fortune on lawyers to create pieces of paper, but actually once these idiots wise up to the fact that nothing will happen to them, these very expensive pieces of paper are pointless. THEY ARE JUST PIECES OF PAPER WITH A COURT STAMP ON THEM . Sort of monopoly court orders if you like. They only work with law abiding divorcees.
    The only winners are the lawyers, who are buying their own homes and holidays on your money and in reality achieving very little.They convince you of the power of the ” law” but its rubbish. Its just them beefing themselves up to get your money.
    The minute you find out your partner is cheating divorce asap, use as much mediation as you can get.
    Once time has passed, the ex wises up, lawyers get involved and its a disaster. Get assets not maintenance if you can. Do it while they are just keen to get rid of you and they are in the foggy lust phase with new whoever.

    • This can happen in the US too, and I’m sure many other places as well. Zero repricussions for not following court orders.

      Get assets and make sure child support payments are managed by automatic payroll deduction wherever possible.

  • Hmmm. Gifting…what to get for the person who crushed your heart? …among other things. I know this Fun Friday challenge is actually for a wedding gift/gift registry items, but the whole gifting thing is a very real and recurring challenge if we can’t go NC. …especially if kids are involved. …young kids for whom you need to purchase gifts for THEM to give to two-timing Judas. …talk about exponentially annoying crap. I tip my hat to all you sane parents of young children gritting your teeth through every event and special occasion. You deserve medals. …or at least several pages FULL of gold stars!

    As for myself, I seriously doubt I’ll even have to worry about a wedding gift for the “special” couple. Within 24 hours of D-Day, I was told “marriage was just a piece of paper”…according to him and his OW/Affair Partner (who is also married but hasn’t lived with her crappy husband for years) [How do I know that? Because my chumpy ass believed that WHOREable woman was my friend, so I personally drove her half way across the state to help her pick up some of her stuff from his soon-to-be-condemned rat hole. Yeah. I guess I was double-chumped….by my spouse and by my supposed friend/employee of our family-owned business when they decided they’d rather screw each other, and then shack up with each other. …or would that be triple chumped since she was also married? (((sigh))) The math is never easy with these fuckers. Smh.]

    So…no wedding gifts, but I still have to do Christmas, birthday, and…yes, wedding anniversary. Yep. My chump ass is still married. Short version? I didn’t break my vows and have no intention of ever doing so. (It’s not like I’m EVER gonna date again or be willing to risk that kind of devastating pain EVER again, so I don’t really care if I’m still married to the creep. Actually, it does make finances and logistics a bit easier since we do own a business together.) SO…..We didn’t divorce. We didn’t legally separate, though he’s been living with his affair partner for a year and a half/maybe 2 years now? What we DID do was legally sign a meticulously detailed and binding post nuptial agreement with very specific stipulations while we remain married…and…different, but equally specific stipulations in the event of a divorce.

    Good enough. He can go on living his new life as a known adulterer living with his affair partner, and I get to retain my honor and the respect of my in-laws (who I actually love dearly…which is yet another reason why I didn’t particularly want to divorce. After almost 2 decades, my in-laws are MY family.)
    …which was actually a whole lot of info leading to my point…because we’re still married, though living apart/estranged, and I am still part of most of the major family events…I still buy the estranged one gifts…for Christmas, birthday, and yes, wedding anniversary.

    Gift for the affair partner? Not even! My perpetual gift to her is to remain as far away as possible from her at all times. I do not need nor want that kind of putridity in my life. I do my best to avoid even acknowledging the existence of that back-stabbing, WHOREable woman. Hey! I’m still married to the estranged one (emphasis on STRANGE); I love his family/our family, AND we still own a business together. I can’t exactly go NC with him, though I’ve found that limiting the contact to 99% just business or family seems to make it bearable. Weird…but bearable. …but there’s no reason I can’t go 100% NC with her.

    So, after all that back story, what DO I give the estranged one for gifts? Well…

    For Christmas, I fill a box or basket full of a variety of his favorite things. (The innocent favorite things. I don’t wanna know about his favorite things with the WHOREable woman. That’s her problem. What I gift to him will be innocent enough for his mother and father to see…and possibly see early so they can also offer suggestions/additions. 🙂 ) Now, the fact that the vast majority of these favorite things are “unhealthy” (energy drinks, adult beverages, smokes, lighters, candy, etc., etc., etc.) is just a nice little inside bonus giggle for me. 😉 Merry Christmas!!! Bwahahahaha!!!! What? It’s a thoughtful gift. 🙂

    For birthdays, I try to do something thoughtful or practical. …first anniversary after D-Day, I built him a gun cabinet…for our house. LOL. He’d already taken the one pistol he wanted to take to his new place with the affair partner, but there was no reason to take the hunting rifles since the only places he ever hunted were adjacent to our property. …and I needed to put a futon in his old office, so it could double as a guest room from my friend’s teenaged son when they came to visit. Those guns needed to be locked up. …so…Happy birthday! 🙂 This year, I ordered him a special ball cap. He actually looks pretty terrible in most ball caps, but for some reason, trucker hats seem to suit him…and so do pastel plaids. …so, I got him a pastel plaid trucker cap. He might wear it. He might not. …not my problem. Again, it was a thoughtful gift I’d be proud to show his parents. (Hey, I respect THEM. 🙂 It’s not their fault the estranged one made a choice that’s pretty much unfathomable to most of us. THEY didn’t betray me, and I have no intention of betraying or dishonoring them.) So…Happy Birthday!!!

    THEN there’s the wedding anniversary. That one’s tough. BUT, again, I did not break my vows, and we are still married, though estranged…so…not exactly gonna wish each other a “happy anniversary,” but I WILL be giving him a gift each and every year…even if we one day actually divorce. 🙂 The idea was just THAT good. You see, I’m an academic nerd, so I read a LOT. I majored in Secondary Ed/Language Arts, then English in grad school. Professionally, I’ve been a teacher, trainer, tech writer, curriculum developer, etc. “…words, words, words” 😉 …and the estranged one rarely “got” my quotations or references. SOOOOO. Our first wedding anniversary after D-Day was only a couple of weeks later. I didn’t have much time to think about an anniversary gift since my brain was essentially an oozing puddle of pain and confusion. …so, I fell back on what I knew. I bought him a book. I bought him a specific book…because the opening line just kept stomping around in my head. I bought him a copy of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, highlighted the first line, AND copied that line onto the back of a bookmark. Voilà! “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” (Actually, that entire first paragraph could have been describing the current state of our marriage.) …dunno if the estranged one actually “got” the reference or not, but he did say later that it had made him tear up. (Any bets on whether or not he read the entire book? 😉 )

    …and this last birthday, I got him a copy of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. I REALLY wanted to highlight John Proctor’s line, “…I may think of you softly from time to time. But I will cut off my hand before I’ll ever reach for you again…” BUT I kept that little Easter egg of intention to myself. Even if he reads the whole play, I doubt he’d “get” the significance of the line. So…I just designed a bookmark with images and the definition of a crucible (container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures / a place or occasion of severe test or trial / a place or situation in which different elements interact to produce something new) to go with the book. …not sure he’ll even read the bookmark, much less “get” the reference, but…Happy birthday!!! …and I believe THAT particular gifting question is now covered from now on. …just have to pick an appropriate book and quotation/definition/etc. to go along with it each year. 🙂 Yep. Happy birthday!

    • Cd clocks, you seriously need to ditch this wanker. You can still remain good term