Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die

Dear Chump Lady,

It’s nearly one year to the day since ex walked out on me and our two kids into the arms of the OW. (Although it took five days before I discovered their ugly affair through our cell phone records). He sent the following to me about a month ago.

I just had to share this very rare glimpse into the mind of a flaming narcissist. How I spent 22 years married to this man I’ll never know. He was so good at convincing me of my flaws that I still struggle to see any worth in myself.

Been up all night thinking. Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right. So I am just going to write whatever. I didn’t really mean to screw up your life. I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you. I don’t know who I am, but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them. I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you. Please give them a better life than I was able to. At best I was a good provider. Not much else. I’ll continue to provide the best I can. I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess. I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore. I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come. It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar. My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam. It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person. This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology. I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response. I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.

Can you UBT?

Dumped Chump

Dear DC,

Wow. Is anything more narcissistic than bragging about your humility? You just gotta love sad sausage self-flaggelation. Woe! No one feels worse about all this than ME, so don’t even TRY. Have you stopped trying? Great.

Geez, the manipulation channel is firmly set to self-pity with this one. It tends to work on chumps, with their achilles kindness. All the cheater has to do is bleat on about their shittiness, and the chump is there handing them tissues. Gosh, no! You aren’t a terrible, ugly person! You have worth! And a pretty smile! Here’s a fistful of kibbles!

Annnnd we’re right back to cheater centrality again. Which is where all the kibbles belong.

Anyway, I have awoken the UBT from its autumn nap. Here you go.

Been up all night thinking.

Sat on the toilet and composed this in five minutes.

Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right.

I can’t polish “I ran out on my wife and two kids for a fuckbuddy.” So I thought instead, I would demonstrate my apologies by telling you I’m Not a Bad Person.

#yourewelcome

So I am just going to write whatever.

Like those proverbial monkeys trapped in rooms with typewriters, consider this your opus.

I didn’t really mean to screw up your life.

I wasn’t really considering you at all.

It’s like at one of those keg parties, where after a few too many, I barf on your sofa. OMG, who put that sofa there?!  Barf happens.

I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you.

Everything should just cover it, right? Lacking in specificity shows I care.

I don’t know who I am,

Have you seen me? Maybe we should put out an Amber Alert? Or flashing highway signs? MISSING: MIDDLE-AGED FUCKWIT, SOUL PATCH, GUT, INAPPROPRIATELY AGED GIRLFRIEND.

but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them.

Because the State reminds me to every month. I’ve got a coupon book and everything.

I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you.

“Unconditional love” is walking out on their mother. That was because of you.

Please give them a better life than I was able to.

Please do all the adult-ing. I don’t adult well.

At best I was a good provider. Not much else.

I use all my coupons!

I’ll continue to provide the best I can.

Or the State will take my driver’s license.

I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess.

I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.

I try help. WORD! I make sad monkey face. WORD! wordwordword.

Why you angry? Not matter I guess.

I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore.

I gave this some thought, while on the toilet, and decided there’s no point in trying to repair anything, because…. effort.

I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come.

Who knows the ways of Decency? It’s like the Great Pumpkin. Wait in your frozen fields of gourds for my return!

It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar.

Please wear my scar! Some men give brooches, I give scars! I’m not a bad person, I’m just flawed at gift giving.

#kibbles #yourpainexcitesme

My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam.

You are weak and can never understand the pathos of a 90s Seattle grunge band.

Please listen to the deep lyrics of And he who forgets…will be destined to remember…oh…oh…oh…Nothingman…

It’s DESTINY. #Icantexplain #needsmorecowbell

It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person.

Feel free to stop me at any time…. Loser. Half-wit. Couldn’t get it up with a hydraulic crane…

Um, really jump in! Scoundrel! Idiot! As much fortitude as a Trump toupee in a wind tunnel…

This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology.

Takeaways: I’m not bad, I forget who I am, I exult in your scars. #thebestyouget

I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.

Like those schizophrenics shouting about the radio transmissions in their dental fillings. I needed to say something.

I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.

Do you have a scar? I MAY DIE UNHAPPY!

#nothingman

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

  • This guy is not a “nothingman” (whatever the hell that means). This guy should NEVER use the word “man” in reference to himself in any way/shape/form. No real man (or woman) cheats on his partner, walks out on his family, or abdicates his adult responsibilities.

    • No real woman does the same. Put her daughter my stepdaughter through college, send our youngest off to college and then say see you time to cheat. This line was the best “The kids don’t need us anymore” second best line “the girls will still love us and we can be a family”. Not sure where they get the audacity to claim this is a family while you run off with the maintenance guy at work and I work two full time jobs. Don’t matter male or female cheaters are the most awful of all.

      • “They/you don’t need me any more!” is straight out of the handbook. I heard it, too.

        It’s an absolute abdication of any responsibility to be a stable and honorable role model to your adult children, whom cheaters put through emotional hell when they walk out on their families.

        I just had dinner with a guy whose wife has been cheating throughout their relationship, mostly with women, and otherwise abusing/controlling him. He finally had enough. His own father was a cheater who announced that he was leaving when my friend was in college. Just for good measure, he declared, “I never loved your mother.” My friend had a near breakdown at this assault to his identity. Who was this man who had been his childhood hero and role model? Whom would he pattern himself after now? Surely not his own father! I am MOST certain that my children each had the same identity crisis in one form or another. But! The cheater is off to another life, and that is that.

        Be the sane parent. It’s not easy, when your ex spouse does their level best to drive you INSANE. But it is a deep and gratifying satisfaction that walk-away cheater parents will never know. How sad for them that they are ruled by fleeting impulses, always chasing happiness, never really understanding what it is, where it comes from, what it means, what it actually FEELS like.

        Hang in there, dear. It gets so much better once the crazy and its lingering odor have left your life.

  • First of all, how dare you besmirch Pearl Jam in this undignified manner? Sir, HOW DARE YOU? ::takes off glove, slaps his face with it::

    But seriously. Not cool man. Not cool. Leave Eddie Vedder out of your bullshit.

    • Instead of Pearl Jam, this fuckwit should listen to AC/DC’s “Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.”

        • I would take this song over the last (un-requested song) XH uploaded to my i-tunes:

          “Does he love you, like he loves me.” – Reba McEntire

          I like Reba, but never purchased or expressed a wish to own her music. I guess this was his FU to me (or Schmoopie’s). Anyway, the music video has an interesting end, I guess they never watched, but as a “loser” in the pick-me-dance I rather enjoyed. 🙂

        • “God’s gonna cut you down….”~~Johnny Cash

          “….as soon as I could see clearly through my big, black eye, I lit up your world like the 4th of July.”~~Toby Keith

          “…Long nights with the world sitting on my chest, it just showed me how much I could take.”~~Montgomery Gentry

        • The narcissists in my life make me think of “One” by U2. These are just a few of the gems:

          – Did I ask too much? More than a lot. You give me nothing, now it’s all I’ve got.

          – You act like you never had love, and you want me to go without

          – Love is a temple, love the higher law. You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl

          – I can’t be holding on to what you’ve got, when all you’ve got is hurt

          • The day I reached “Meh”….U2’s “Beautiful Day” came to mind.

            “It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it slip away…..”

            • Awesome! Songs are anthems for phases on our lives.

              During the months around my separation, I kept hearing the Beatles’s “Here Comes the Sun” wherever I’d go. Talk about an old song randomly appearing in my life! I haven’t heard it in the year(+) since then.

              • My Anthem – by Jill Scott – Hate on Me

                If I could give you the world
                On a silver platter
                Would even matter? You’d still be mad at me
                If I can find in all this a dozen roses
                Which I would give to you, you’d still be miserable
                In reality I’m gon’ be who I be
                And I don’t feel no faults for all the lies that you bought
                You can try as you may bring me down when I say
                That it ain’t up to you, go on do what you do

              • TAKE A BOW by Rihanna:

                “Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not. Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught!”

                (Closest thing I got to an apology from my cheater however was “I’m sorry you have hard feelings!” Yeah, “hard feelings” seems like the appropriate descriptor for how I’ve interpretted and reacted to the aftermath of his destruction of our quarter century relationship and implosion of our family all to be replaced by his twenty-something ho-worker…insert “Trust they suck” here please as I’m losing my sanity over the blatant lack of respect, remorse, and accountability.

          • That’s one of my all-time favorite songs for those beautiful lyrics. Funny, I haven’t listened since my breakup. You’re so right though… it fits them so perfectly.

            • If you haven’t already, listen to Mary J. Blige’s version with Bono. I love the original, but, wow… Mary kills it.

              • OMG!!! Thank you so much! This is my first time hearing it and I’ve got tears in my eyes. Love me some MJB. Thanks again Kaycan!

          • U2 has so many great songs but, one that’s always held a special (dark) place in my heart, So Cruel. Mostly for the line-
            We’re cut adrift but, still floating
            I’m only hanging on to watch you go down, my love

          • My wedding ring said “we are one but we are not the same”. That was extremely important to me: the fact that we chose to behave as one unit, but we were different people with different wishes, ideas, beliefs. I didn’t make the mistake of thinking that One was a happy love song, as some people seem to think. But I never thought I was going to be killed by the same death that was hurting the voice singing that song.

        • A ‘song’ related Friday would be good!
          I have a story or two or three or…… 😉

          • Stabbing Westward’s “Save Yourself”

            “Save Yourself”

            I know your life is empty
            And you hate to face this world alone
            So you’re searching for an angel
            Someone who can make you whole
            I can not save you
            I can’t even save myself
            So just save yourself

            • “This song goes out to all you lonely cheaters out there who have a bad case of the Sadz on this dreary, cold, lonely evening…..”

              Motley Crue’s “Don’t Go Away Mad….Just Go Away”

              • Old school Gloria Estefan: “Go Away”
                “Go away,
                Why don’t you just go away,
                Live your life,
                Just live it real far away.”

              • How about “God Will” by Lyle Lovett? He asks, who keeps on trusting you when you’ve been cheating, lying, messing around?

                God does
                But I don’t
                God will
                But I won’t
                And that’s the difference
                Between God and me

          • Had Enough, by Breaking Benjamin

            To the narcs out there from us chumps (STBX, this has your name on it!):

            “Milk it for all it’s worth
            Make sure you get them first
            The apple of your eye
            The rotten core inside
            We are all prisoners
            Things couldn’t get much worse
            I’ve had it up to here
            You know your end is near
            You had to have it all
            Well, have you had enough?
            You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve
            When all is said and done
            I will be the one
            To leave you in your misery and hate what you’ve become.”

            • 🙂 Love Breaking Benjamin Chickynot 🙂 Thanks for the reminder of this 🙂 Helps alot 🙂

      • Just want to add:

        “When asked about “Nothingman” in an interview, Vedder stated, ‘The idea is about if you love someone and they love you, don’t fuck up…’cause you are left with less than nothing.'”

        So, yeah. This guy needs to leave EV out of this. Monkeys obviously don’t understand.

  • He says “I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing”. I can hear Chump Nation shouting in unison:
    KIBBLES

  • How many times did this man use the word “I ” in his soliloquy? “I have 2 amazing kids” “I don’t know if I can make you whole” I, I, I, I, when I read this that is glaring at me. He needed to tell you how he felt, how he is hurting. You on the other hand are the stage hand in the drama that is his life.
    My ex sent almost the exact thing to me. In one text (he was sending from his high profile job) he told me “I don’t know if I destroyed your life but I know I destroyed mine. My life is over.” So I told him I was going to call 911, he sounded suicidal. I got an immediate response that he was fine, just sad. Haha

    • Mine threatened to kill himself and did o d for attention, I found out three weeks afterwards when he told me, yeh thanks, cause I haven’t got enough on my plate without worrying if your dead somewhere and having to tell the kids and feel shit for the rest of my life. Anyways the last time he pulled ‘I’m going to kill myself stuff’ I said I would send police around for a welfare check, he stopped pronto.
      Narcs go into a tail spin when nobody is paying them attention or the fan club folds. They can’t validate themselves so they do desperate things.
      Yes and seriously I need NC, cracked the door and he’s trying to barge right in.

      • NC is the Narcan to hopium overdose.
        You can quote me on that.
        It IS the key to freedom!

    • Yep, the whole thing reads “I am so fabulous that losing me must have destroyed you, poor fing.”

    • “You…are the stagehand in the drama that is his life.”

      Spot on. I have used the one actor stage play analogy so many times myself because it really is entirely accurate. Props (important people), audience (less important people), acting, drama, spotlight, presentation of a fictitious personage…are precisely how disordereds relate to the outside world. It’s their show and you’d better know your lines.

      She once apologised to me, exactly as follows:

      Star – (Silent pause for effect…about a minute, then speaks): “I want you to know, I really am very sorry for what I’ve done to you.”

      Extra – (Incredulous, he challenges): “Really? Sorry for what exactly?”

      Star – (Taken aback) “Well, for everything. For the lies…for torturing you…for the abuse…the drinking…(and so on as Star tries to recall the complaints the Extra made in Act One.)

      Extra – “Is that it?”

      Star – (Thinks briefly then replies, eyes cast downward indicating remorse:) “Yes”

      Extra – “Um. You left out cheating. You have cheated on me numerous times”

      Star – “Oh, well yes, and cheating.”

      (But the critics raved nonetheless I’m sure, and all that’s left, as always, is to await the Tony Award)

      • TKO, this is GREAT!! Her trying to remember what words a real adult might say at that kind of moment, looking to you for her cues and reminders …..

        My ex, during one of his fishing expeditions to see if we could ‘try again’, said he was sorry. This time I didn’t spackle or inject more hopium. Instead I asked what he was sorry for. His response; ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us’.

        Really? Really? Crap husband, mediocre father, occasional very convincing threats of violence, an affair, followed by promises NEVER to do that again, followed by another affair, followed by abandoning the kids less than a year after I kicked him out ….. And your apology is ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us.’?

        My jaw must have been on the floor.

        The next time he tried the ‘I’m sorry’ line, I asked if that was all he was sorry for. He managed ‘I’m sorry I did things that drove you, a strong, smart woman, away from me.’ I answered ‘you forgot pretty and sexy’, and walked away.

      • Talking specifics would bring up pain, only briefly.
        I got the same, sorry for everything, when asked for what he said ‘ive told you before’
        Nothing nothing to work with, pure crazy makimg bs.
        For the disordered a conversation is a game of power, there will be no surrender.

      • Mine said sorry for what it had happened. As if cheating were a natural event. An act of God. Not something he did. Repeatedly. Fucktard.

    • I’ve a phone full of these pity-party texts. Followed the next week by rage channel.

    • GAH! I almost forgot!

      I also got
      X: “I’m dying.”.
      Me: No response
      X “I have prostate cancer like my brother”
      Me: No response
      X: “My numbers are sky high! Also my heart and liver are in bad shape!”
      Me: No response
      X: “Looks like my numbers aren’t so bad”
      Me: No response
      X:”Life isn’t worth living without you! You’re my best friend”
      Me: No response …. BLOCK

        • Hahahaha! Ordinarily I would never laugh at what would appear to be someone’s despair, but in this case, there are no lols big enough!!

        • TEMPEST,
          I am late reading and you just woke me right up.
          I love it when you come out with a real “killer”
          You rock girl.
          I just love you!

          Sleep well!

  • Loved the translation but I could only dream of such a letter. Mine can manage about two sentences and it would be trying to blame me in some way. Pretty depressing.

    • I’ve gotten this stuff from my STBX and, honestly, it just prolonged the mindfuck.

      Initially, it was very confusing. I had to learn that the SOUND of remorse is far different than ACTUAL remorse. So, I hurled back and forth between guilt, depression, and anger until I finally realized that the words were completely hollow. They were simply a part of his image-management. The disordered are extremely adept at making themselves look like victims in order to protect their image, maintain kibble, and to diminish the pain of their real victims.

      Now my STBX (an abuser who also lied and cheated throughout our 20+ year marriage) is portraying himself as a victim of a sad universe, which has led to him being coddled and sympathized with. This leaves me looking like a horrible person for being angry with him for what he’s done … because he’s such a sad, lost soul ..

      So, while the words sound contrite and they sound as if they might be somewhat satisfying to hear … they really aren’t. In my case, the “sad, lost soul” routine has just added salt to the massive wound STBX has caused our family — damage he caused unilaterally and repeatedly (until he got caught, of course).

      • Yep. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, this letter seems to me to use a bunch of words that this bumbling orator thinks SOUND remorseful when the message clearly says “I am so fabulous you must be devastated by losing me” with a chaser of “tell me again how fabulous I am”. Remorse looks like remorse rather than sounding like it.

        A person who understood the gravity of what s/he had done would be far too humiliated for such a logorrheic display of pure self interest.

        • I’m so fabulous, that when I fuck up, I fuck up in fabulous ways! I’m not just a stupid loser, I’m a lost and broken soul! And you, you will never understand, because you are not sufficiently fabulous!

        • amiisfree..new word for me love it

          logorrheic; pathologically excessive and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of bipolar disorder.

          • Wow – and here I thought that X just like to hear himself talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

      • I feel this same way. As I was reading the original post I felt like I was reading something from my soon to be stbx. And I didn’t even realize the manipulation until chump lady dissected it for us. I have a long way to go to fight all this bullshit I get thrown at me. Thanks for sharing!!!!

        • For real, it almost seems like a sincere apology that pulls on your compassionate heart strings. My ex wrote me something extremely similar… honestly thought he had a moment of clarity. I think they “just want to say something,”to have you hurry up and move past it so that they can get on with their image and not let some minor mistake ‘define them.’

          • Mines says ‘my past doesnt define me’
            Really I would disagree, it defines you character.
            I think he means he will spin a load of bullshit to his next victim/ girlfriend about it all!
            Whatevs

      • Jessmom YESSSSSS!!!

        The self-pity channel is such a real thing. X used this the most in my marriage because it pushed my guilt button and voila! you had me. Living with and knowing your abuser well also helps you see through the bullshit. On the surface, this letter almost seems as if it would be so nice to receive – “X is finally realizing that marriage to me was a good thing. Our children are recognized. X admitted to doing a bad thing.” But after so much self pity throughout the entirety of my marriage, it all just becomes one big string of denial. They are in denial that there is a problem (them), they are in denial that they should take any responsibility for problem (their behavior) and they are in COMPLETE denial that they can do anything about it (modify behavior for better results). All they are doing is looking for kibble. Rage, self-pity and charm all evoke those, especially from chumps.

    • I got the same from my cheater EXCEPT that he never mentioned that he hurt ME. He instead “admits” that he broke his promise to the priest who married us. No matter my pain and what was done to break promises.

      OTOH, sparkledick needed to convince the judge to unfreeze his assets so, to become a splendid man, he writes in his petition that it is “natural to have extraconjugal affairs”.

      Just as JesssMom says, these idiots make us go around in circles of guilt and anger.

    • This is what I was thinking. I don’t want to give this guy any credit but I do wonder if my ex ever has those moments of “what did I do??”

      • No, responsibility is not in their Repetroire, they always look outside themselves and as controlling as the are, things just happen to them. So sad.

      • Nope..mine said to me that he was willing to forgive me for all that I had done lol.. Hmmm nursing him through gallbladder surgery gastric bypass and paying all the bills through his extra long “recoveries” while he was taking my money and sending it to schools and her kids to pay their bills! Btw he was willing tobforgive me and “start over” about 2 weeks after marrying “the love of his life his true soulmate!” Lol

    • I thought the same thing. Like, who gets these letters?? Not me, that’s for damn sure.
      Mine left, wanted to be my best friend ( because….settlement) and now lives with the affair partner he swore he didn’t have and her kids. I’m the devil….for not giving them all out money and my blessing.#bitterbunny
      He would never write me a letter like that.
      Mine would say
      “Dear Cunt,
      Below are the reasons why you are awful and I am awesome.
      I deserve to be happy and don’t feel one bit bad for cheating on you…..always.”
      and the list would go on for volumes, and would somewhere make reference that I owed him an apology for being such a shitty wife that he had to cheat.
      If I ever got a self serving letter like this I would think my ex got body snatched.

      • Paintwidow, I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a cruel and self-deluded cheater. His words must have hurt you badly. Still, from the perspective of someone who got a sack of love-bombing lies, I find the honesty refreshing. The naugahyde apologies just prolonged the pain and delayed the start of Gain a Life.

        • Meh, thank you for your kind response.
          I am thankful I never got any sappy stuff to muddy my resolve.
          He would of sent something awful and he would go into how he can’t understand why our grown kids don’t speak to him. Nothing to do at all with all that cheating and lying…must be something I said to them.
          I know I should be thankful to have a cheater that just went ghost on me, it does speed the healing process I think.

          • Paintwidow–It’s all YOUR fault!! Kim Jong-Il is your fault! The arctic cap melting–your fault! Can’t be HIS fault that the children’ don’t speak to him! Jeez, didn’t you get the memo? (I’ll pass it on as I have an extra copy.)

          • Right there with ya, Paintwidow. My stbx couldn’t be bothered with even feigning remorse, he was just far too anxious to be with schmoopie so he could “be happy and thrive.” Sorry for your pain, the anguish is exquisite, no matter which type of cheater-brand you happen to have been duped by. Keep pressing on, and our hearts will one day catch up with our heads, and it’ll be Tuesday…that’s what I keep telling myself, anyway 😉

      • Same here, Paintwidow. If I had received a letter like today’s post, I would have fallen for it with gratitude. Thank goodness for CL and the UBT, because for a few seconds, I envied the recipient. smh…

        • I also fell for it until i saw the translation! Is there no hope for me??? #openyoureyesRae
          My husband is definitely slowing down my healing process by keeping that mask on 24/7. Ive seen it slip and show his true colours 3 times in the last 4 months since dday, i need to remember that before the affair he was also a massive dickhead towards me and the kids!

          • Me too Rae. STBX just goes from chastising me for dropping the ball on one of my responsibilities to treating me like some degenerate to be avoided. Five months since DDay. My jaw would have dropped if I would have gotten this kind of note. When I read it, I felt sorry for the writer until I digested CL’s UBT version.

  • The victim to the circumstances he created – poor sausage. He’s supposed to feel bad when he stabs someone in the back, but unfortunately that feeling isn’t about feeling bad FOR the person he hurt. He simply feels the sads for himself.

    The shitty thing about acutaully having empathy is those people who use it against you as a weapon. It’s like that line in The Green Mile “He killed them with their love.”

    • >>”The shitty thing about acutually having empathy is those people who use it against you as a weapon.”

      This is very well stated.

      In one rage, STBX told me that my integrity and empathy made it easy for him to get away with what he did.

      I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that people do this … and it’s much more common than I ever would have imagined.

  • Can I take a different side? CL and CN. Is there a letter that would be good enough? I mean this guy is saying a lot of things many of us would like to hear. Because some of us get nothing once they leave. So if someone is sincerely regretful, not that we’re looking for a reason to take them back. But isn’t it possible the person does feel like shit. Even for a moment.

    • >>Is there a letter that would be good enough?

      No. There are only the actions that back up that letter.

      If you feel sorry, you ACT sorry. You give your ex a generous settlement, you’re kind to your children, you go above and beyond. You demonstrate that it’s Not About You.

      You don’t make YOUR “pain” central.

      It’s obscene to expect sympathy from the people you gutted with your bad behavior.

      It’s asking the rape victim to feel awful about the end to the guy’s sports career.

      • Feeling like shit isn’t enough. I’m sure many of them do feel like shit.

        Don’t be sorry, be different.

        • Or another way to put it — Actions ALIGN with WORDS.

          Words are not enough. And sadz is beside the point.

          • And as the recipient of that garbage, I agree with CL. I actually did feel bad for him when he sent this. And like a typical chump, I felt compelled to show kindness and compassion. I fought with myself for two days after he sent that text, then I finally sent a brief, compassionate reply. Big mistake!!! All I did was open the door to his evil once again, with my heart on my sleeve. And I was left wondering what happened to the sad, remorseful person who sent that text. What I saw instead was a self-absorbed, cold asshole who basically told me “I was just feeling down. I told you I didn’t want a response.” …among other things. Then I re-read that text and realized the hollowness and self-centered angle to the whole thing. I agree with CL. It’s about his actions.

            • Is your divorce final?

              If not, give the letter to your lawyer ASAP!

              I got a similar note…best part…it was document #1 at his deposition ????.

              He was really sorry he wrote it when the judge, and his own legal team, said it was proof enough that he was the cause of the divorce (yes, I DO live in a no-fault state) and that I was entitled to a great settlement.

              Best note I ever received – didn’t care why he wrote it!

            • This happens to me too. My stbx will send me something heartfelt and then when I show compassion or God forbid try to share my feelings it always backfires…and I’m left thinking “how can I be so stupid and fall again for that crap?” I’m hoping some soon I will learn!

              • It is all about my STBX also. He uses “I” every other word. I don’t remember that always being the case. It started when I stopped hiding his behavior and told people the truth about decades of infidelity. He is angry and he can’t do image management fast enough. He has not or will not have any concept of the gravity of his fucking around and abandonment. Some how it is right up there with not wearing pink or wearing my hair too curly. They are emotional infants.

            • Oh so sorry dumped_chump. I can totally relate to the chump struggle you describe, wanting to respond with kindness and understanding, only to be met with the cold reality that is him. This happened to me many times too. Trust that they suck.

            • The letter had me sucked in. While I could recognize there was substance/introspection, SOMETHING lacking, my heart went to the part where he was trying.

              I would have responded too, and it shouldn’t be surprising that he didn’t want a response.
              CL nailed it with the UBT even though I wanted to believe she was wrong.

              All About. Him.

            • So sorry Dumped Chumped. I would have fallen for this too. They use our feelings against us, they’ve done it all along. NC is the only safeguard, but it’s so hard sometimes to just do nothing or block them.

          • Years ago, I think just before I found out my STBX was with his whore the first time, I had a conversation with him about “actions speaking louder than words.” He literally said he didn’t understand what I meant. I was dumbfounded.

            I personally think he did understand, but knew that to “understand” would mean working and putting in effort, so he played dumb instead. Oh, and got angry, too…yelling and screaming whatever garbage, to deflect and change the subject.

          • Chump Lady – Thank you for weighing in from the land of fall viruses. You really are so kind to us, who are such slow learners.

          • All of that. All of it.

            Maybe if the letter said only “I was wrong and I’m sorry, no excuses.” Maybe then it would be ok…

            Except no, because the apology is still about the cheater — “*I* want you to know that *I’m* sorry. I need to get in front of you again because I want to tell you things no matter how my contacting you makes you feel. I am addressing my feelings, regardless of how you feel.”

            So back to everything CL said.

            • Yes, words are not enough and really don’t mean anything. This letter is a little dangerous, even reading it I felt myself getting pulled in by some of his hooks! Yikes! But the bottom line I agree with CL is that there are literally no letters long enough nor eloquent enough to make up for the actions of leaving your wife and two kids to search for happiness. Why couldn’t he try making happiness with his family? There are just the actions. And if there were words, like Amiisfree said, they would be along the lines of, “there’s nothing I can say…” Not this pity party nonsense.

          • One of the best things that I learned here was that words are just words-LOOK AT THEIR ACTIONS!
            I got a sad sausage letter like this and it had the same “sorry for everything or anything I might have done”
            Still not taking responsibility & definitely nothing specific. A thinly veiled invite for the front row of the cheater’s opera of “Me, Me, Me” at their personal theater of drama.
            It’s all fake remorse designed to get more chump kibbles.
            They don’t care and never will.

          • Yes, this is a double edged sword. In the case of those of us who are done divorcing, settlement is signed, counseling is off the table, and they were so fucking awful but now bring the sorry, there’s nowhere to go.
            You soooo badly want them to be sorry (they aren’t….see kibbles above) but in order to see if the words align with the actions you have to let that snake back in the door. No thanks.
            My ex claims to have found the lord, has made a life with his mistress, claims to all that he’s a changed person and that he feels badly for how things ended…..allegedly.
            I don’t care if he’s adopting orphans, I don’t want him anywhere in my orbit.

        • CL, absolutely. Skankboy said many times, “I’m soooooo sorry.” Told a neighbor/friend “I feel like an asshole for doing her wrong.” Yep, that fixes everything! (eye roll)

          • Yes I got the ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’. In a text. After 20 years together. Two teenagers. Screwing with daughter’s 20 something year old assistant high school sports coach. At both kids school. Not the first time he’s left for greener pastures. Fucker didn’t even care how would affect the kids-in their school, in front of their teammates and friends & teachers never mind how it affected me. I’m sure that ‘apology’ was more than most chumps get. But really it’s still all about him cause if he’s sorry, well then you know he’s not such a bad person.

          • I forgot to mention the tears, sniveling, gasping for air apology. Boof******hoo!!!

        • CL…you are brilliant (just saying).
          Here there is a truth…if they ARE shit, they SHOULD feel like shit.
          Shit behavior = shit feelings.
          Rare drop of congruence in an ocean of cognitive dissonance.

          • Except that they don’t feel like shit! They feel sorry for themselves because of the CONSEQUENCES of their choices. None of these idiots was apologizing and remorseful before getting caught/heading out the door.

            I know my ex felt like shit, AFTER I wouldn’t take him back, then Schmoopie dumped him (for another man. twice.) and the kids had gotten sick of his selfish ways. He had a good life and trashed it all, so he felt shitty until he got back on his feet (with the help of another woman, of course! He doesn’t do alone, or independent.). Now he feels fine again (or as fine as his miserable self ever feels), and any and all problems are ALL my fault. Back to his normal, once he got most of the consequences out of the way.

        • And let’s not delude ourselves as to why they feel like shit–not because of pangs of conscience, but because they LOST. They lost half their retirement account, they lost their spouse appliance, they lost the respect of their children and some friends. Hannibal Lecher appeared to be remorseful on many occasions, but scratch the surface and it all came down to ruing the consequences. (I have LOTS of examples from emails & texts to support that; they’ll all be in the novel ; ).

      • This is so spot on!!! My fuckwit cheater has never apologized to me for anything and turns around accusing me of not ever apologizing for anything even though wrote him a stupid fucking apology letter a week before day for anything and everything had ever done to offend him or cause him pain. Best he ever gave was maybe a piece was my fault. WTFingH?

        He told dd that he was sorry for her pain but never took any responsibility for causing it. His famous fucking words ‘there are 2 sides to this story and you will never know mine.”

        He is hurting. Well good, so are we!

        • “There are 2 sides to every story.” This!! Yet, they never sit down with kids and have a real conversation. They just text shit like that. It is just manipulation to make kids feel sorry for them and to create doubt about what happened.

          • You get it! I keep wondering every time I go into a deposition, will this be the big reveal? Will we finally learn the terrible thing I did to cause him to cheat and leave his family. It is as if we all have amnesia and can’t remember the horrible crime I committed and caused all this. It is a crime so terrible, he can’t mention it to his kids.

            It will come out though. But it won’t, because it doesn’t exist and the kids were here the whole time. They saw everything which was just life, problems and all.

            There will never be an answer. I am still seething at MIL who said in her deposition that her cheater son left because feeling was hard to live with, just nagging him all the time for years. OK, so even if this were true, which I doubt. Her fucking son always did whatever the hell he wanted. Hunting trips, fishing trips, boys weekends, on and on. Maybe once I asked him not to but he went anyway. Even if it were true, she certainly never saw it. I was at her house, bells on with her grandchildren every Sunday and holiday. I was always the polite loyal dil bridging her gap with her grandchildren telling her how wonderful her fuckwit son was! So she takes his word that I was nagging bitch otherwise without asking me or her grandchildren. Boy do I have choice words for her but I will never say them as I treat her as I do her Narc son, NC. She will never get to know how I feel now.

            • FeelingIt – the very very worst thing cheaters do to us is cause us to question ourselves. Good God.

              The hole left in my life … did I light the fuse, pack the gun powder or load cannon ball???

              The guilt and shame I felt/feel is real. The anger and bitterness that I feel when I KNOW I didn’t deserve this is also very real.

        • If i hear “2 sides to every story” one more time…!!! Yeah yours and the truth you dead beat dad. He had the fucking nerve to lie to our daughter that my last words to him were “i will turn our children against you” . Never happened…he pretty much did that all by himself. They are the author of their own shit show .

    • First, thanks for this translation- so nice to start my day off with a laugh!

      ImAPhool, thought about it your way but still think #NeedKIBBLE sums it up best.

      He is a narc. He may feel bad but not for the chump, for himself. He flat out says her anger doesn’t matter. He is saying he screwed up but it wasn’t his fault, just who he is. He is sorry he screwed her and left a scar but he couldn’t control that. WTF, who could then?

      Btw, don’t know anything about Pearl Jam but looked at the lyrics and think they are a great synopsis of a cheater in a relationship. Would just change the line some words when spoken, can’t be taken back to some actions when done, can’t be undone.

      • Well said FeelingIt. I bet he is actually sorry now. For himself. #consequences

      • “Oh, she won’t feed him…after he’s flown away”
        Yep, no kibbles, fucker is getting hungry.

    • I think it’s the bait lines that clinch it as kibble seeking. ‘I was a good provider I guess.’ Dude you don’t have to call out the things you did right. We all know partnerships are full of good and bad and some things we excel at and others are not. It’s that this is plagued with so much ‘I’m so terrible, I say this so you tell me I’m not that bad’ it’s kind of… it’s like a throbbing boil waiting for lancing. As soon as you tap it ‘there there little boil, it’s not so bad. Maybe a warm compress will-‘ THERE SHE BLOWS. Pus, green throbby gelatinous pus, everywhere. It will word salad all over the poor chump with even more self flagellation that we have to mop up and comfort and deal with. If you’re sorry, say sorry and do the work. Or say sorry and disappear. This is Naugahyde.

    • ImAPhool,
      I think the key points of this letter from Dumped Chump’s cheater that show that he is a lost case and is insincere are:

      1) The centrality of HIS pain. As CL says, if you are truly remorseful you don’t make YOUR “pain” central. You dissect YOUR shit and remove the pain from the person you hurt. The rest is just impression management so the CHEATER can look splendid in the photo;

      2) The lack of effort. Meditating while sitting on the can does not count as effort. Anyone can pick up some quotes on the internet (“mistake quotes” “failure quotes” and blend them in with some shallow thoughts. How many moral synapses did it take for this jerk to pronounce himself a “nothingman” AFTER he got caught?

      I have no doubt the first time he looks bad in the photo he will be blaming Dumped Chump for something.

      • I agree. This is how my cheater corralled the support of mutual friends. By the APPEARANCE of remorse. By pretending to want to save the marriage publicly but hiding money and continuing the affair privately. You don’t have to actually give a shit or want the best for your wronged spouse. Only to LOOK SORRY because people who believe you are normal, people who project their prosocial values and morals onto you, are so useful.

    • I think his letter is about manipulation, not apologies. He is dealing with the consequences of his choices and he does NOT like it nor does he like to have a glimpse of the shitty person he is. This letter is sent to make Dumped Chump feel sorry for him. She is a reminder of how shitty he is so he is looking for her to make it better.

      This letter is NOT about true remorse. And as CL said, this letter would be about the hurt spouse and children and actions would follow if it were.

      I have numerous text messages from STBX very similar to this. And there was a period of time between when he left and when I found out about OW that they were frequent. Those text messages just confused me and had me trying to “help” him. You never have the whole truth with cheaters.

      This is one of them that got to me. I was in the dark about OW, so it is a message with so many lies of omission that it is meanless now when I look back on it.

      “I wish I was happy. There is no reason why I shouldn’t be except there is something wrong with me. I have a beautiful wife, wonderful kids, a decent job, a petting zoo. This is what is supposed to make you whole and happy. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you and the kids. I am hurting bad. I cannot sleep. I have never felt this alone.”

      • Makes me want to barf reading this and knowing it was sent before you knew about his schmoopie. My ex had it all too. But it was never enough. I do think this part of what they are saying is true. They think running off with a ho will fill the empty void that is their soul.

        Poor sad sausages with a sadz. They stole the last cookie from the cookie jar and are standing there with crumbs on their faces. How dare you, the kids, and the family pet look at them like that….

        • We have 2 dogs and a cat. He has a thing for dogs especially. No matter how shitty of a person you are, dogs will be happy to see you. Perfect for narcs. Easy kibble.

          • I now see how the animal thing can go both ways. I am a dog person and always wanted a dog. Growing up, I would climb the fence to play with the neighbor’s dogs bc mom wouldn’t let me have one. Parents finally got a dog when I went to college and she was so attached. Said she should have got one for me.

            Stbx ran out and bought me a dog in the lovebombing days. It was terrible timing as we were building a house and I was pregnant, working and living with his parents temporarily and his mom hates dogs. He bought the dog from a puppy mill and surprised me but I loved it even though the situation was difficult. Notice the theme- he didn’t consult me but how would I ever say no to such a wonderful gesture.

            Anyway, fast foreward 25 years to when he left and we have a different dog. He didn’t care about leaving the kids and leaving the dog was as easy as leaving was as easy as leaving a snake in the back yard.

            When adult daughter started dating a guy who had a dog and seemed to love it, I told her he must be alright because he cares about his dog. He ended up being a jerk in the end. I don’t have any knowledge that he cheated on her but he did go from love bombing her, wanting to do exciting things every day the first 5 months they were together to making sarcastic comments about her in front of me and canceling plans with no notice. Having the dog did not mean he was a loving person and I don’t think it was my imagination that he would try to put our dog down to lift his up. crazy making.

            • feelingit,

              I tend to see cats as better judges of character. They won’t let assholes pet them or pick them up and poop in/pee on somebody’s shoes/bag/side of the bed if something is “off “

      • I get what everyone is saying. And I agree that its all about him. But with all situations, we don’t know how it is until we are there. And if I ever did something like this, I wouldn’t even begin to know how to fix it. We’ve all deal with different levels of fuckedupness from our cheaters, some have actually been remorseful, but are too deep into themselves to even see the damage done to others. We didn’t have kids either, so its just me that he hurt, atleast directly.

        GetMeFree says “He is dealing with the consequences of his choices and he does NOT like it nor does he like to have a glimpse of the shitty person he is” – this is possibly true. That’s all I was saying, that what if someone is truly regretting all the bad decisions? We’re not looking to take them back. And reading all these responses, now I hope I don’t ever get a letter like this. Because I may actually respond. I’m weak, my heart is weak, its still broken. So even a cheap ass bandaid that will surely fall off will be a relief. Then the pain will all come back and all the progress over this year will be gone.

        • I do think some of them have pop-up moments where they realize they have done something shitty. But that doesn’t sit well with many of them. Some are narcissists and those feelings are uncomfortable for them. They then find justifications or shift blame.

          The next step to realizing you have hurt someone or made wrong choices should be to look inside yourself as to why you did it AND to take steps to make up for it with the person(s) you harmed. For the vast majority of us, this is not the case with our cheaters. Instead, they continue with the same actions or they hit us again in a different way during the abandonment and divorce.

          To be kind or empathetic, in my experience, just gave my cheater the agency and entitlement to betray, lie, and hurt me more. Disconnecting and letting him be 100% responsible for himself is the only way to get clear. And that is not easy for me…that is not the way I am wired. But healing only started once I did.

        • ImaPhool – you’re no fool.

          What I am hearing is that IN YOUR HEAD – not just in the letter – it’s still all about your cheater. And it’s just untangling the skein again.

          This tells me that YOU aren’t central in your own life right now. So what can YOU do to focus on yourself and your needs?

        • It is very possible one of them is regretting what they did, ImAPhool. Simply from statistics, there must be 1 in all the rest (I’m sorry I’m being a bit snarky). However, the letter is worth nothing. So if you get one, don’t get your hopes high or open your heart. Words are free. They are so free, that you can put a letter like this on the other side of a scale containing the horrible things he told you. If you are like me, then the things he said after DDay are so bad that he would have to compose the most beautiful letter ever written in Spanish to have even a hope to get balance. And he can’t do that.

        • “What if someone is truly regretting all the bad decisions?”

          Then, like CL said, actions! Generous divorce settlements, extra time and money for the children, and working on yourself to become a better person – not vomiting all your SadFeelz and “I don’t know what to do” on the person you betrayed and make fixing your feelings their problem.

  • He is so deep.
    If only you would listen to Pearl Jam you will find the secret of me and write me back. We can talk about me and how sad I am. We can work toward forgiveness so I can call you, come over, eat leftovers and make sure you never forget me even for a minute. And to let you know how sincere I am I will bring the cowbell.
    CL, this response is genius!

    • That was one of my two favorite UBTisms this time too. 🙂

      Though I do remember sending people songs instead of using my words to explain my complex feelings… In middle school…

      • Right, Amiiisfree?!? Maybe he should’ve made her a mix tape instead of this mush.

      • hahahahahaha! It is so middle school isn’t it? Ha ha! There are so many days that I truly wonder if these kinds of people ever mature into adults or if it’s just middle school for the rest of their sad little lives.

      • Exactly! LadyLiar is forever 10 years old…a 5th grade loser who hopes some day she can sit at the cool kids’ table in high school, but ends up getting expelled for having drugs in her backpack instead…

    • Hah! That’s when I laughed too. Ah!! Effort! The key word….

      I never cease to marvel at CL’s ability to nail a precise diagnosis with key words.

    • Me, too, Richard! Laughing until the tears run down my legs, CL. THIS. IS. EPIC.

    • +1.
      I take it the whisky and cloves worked, Chump Lady and Mr Chumplady. This column is brilliant, I would have fallen for a letter like that, thank goodness you fired up the UBT.

      • Me too kiwi chump. It’s that “Achilles kindness”.

        Loved this UBT. CL you crack me up.

    • And this was my other favorite UBTism today! “I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.”

      Sorry, CL, but I may have to channel.this occasionally in business meetings (and interactions with inexperienced phone reps who start angrily shouting MA’AM to try to make me sound unreasonable when they don’t want to solve my problem because the talk time will F up their phone stats) from now on. 😉

  • Love the UBT! My abusive STBX has vomited up gems like DumpedChump’s X did in his letter to her.

    My general take on STBX’s sad sausage word salads (thanks to my CL and CN education!):

    “My actions are obviously bad … (panic!) How to maintain my image when my actions are indefensible? Hmmmm …. I know … I’m a lost, sad soul! If I can get people to feel sorry for me, then I am REDEEMED and I’ll start getting kibbles again! And the icing on my cake — if my STBXW doesn’t feel sorry for me, she’ll look like a bitch!”

    What’s the truth?

    Even IF he is sad and lost, he KNEW right from wrong. He knew it is wrong to abuse, lie, cheat, steal, abandon, etc. He actively chose to do what he knew was wrong and hurtful to others. He did not give a rat’s ass. But, most importantly, he did absolutely nothing to stop the behavior or to fix the damage he had caused. (In my STBX’s case, he just kept adding to the damage …. ).

    I’m an extremely forgiving and sympathetic person when someone takes accountability and really tries to do better when he/she knows better. I love a good redemption story! But, I’m a cold bitch with people who have no real, active remorse … like my STBX. I’ll give all of my kindness and sympathy to the people he’s hurt (… our children).

    “Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.” — J.S. Mill, address at the University of St. Andrew (1867)

  • I could totally imagine my Jackass sending something similar down the line. They really are all alike. Maybe there is a group discount for the karma bus!

  • He was up all night lying next to OW, who isn’t so sparkly and irresistible anymore now that he gets to breathe in her halitosis and bedfarts every night, and feeling a little sorry that he lost his grade-A wifely kibbles due to being a shitty person. If she buys into the apology from bottom of his broken, empty core, will the mother of his two amazing kids forgive him and try to fill him back up with happiness?

    This was a Hail Mary pity pass from a narcissist hoping to score forgiveness and love. It’s the only kind of pass a narcissist knows how to make after the discard. Make a good enough apology, and maybe she’ll let me in there again! Score!

    • Yeah, there is no pot of gold at the end of the turd rainbow. I think he is now realizing that his new sparkling life ain’t so sparkling. So what does he do? Try to make DC feel bad FOR him. It’s all in the cheater’s handbook.

      Someone asks why isn’t this “apology” enough? Because he is trying to drag her back in to his shit, make her feel sorry for him, let her guard down. Then, his next step will probably be to try to convince her to be his side piece… because the OW just doesn’t understand him the way DC does. Talk about a mind fuck.

      And really, he doesn’t want forgiveness, he wants pity. Pity makes us do things we would not normally do. It makes us want to help the other person feel better. It colors our thinking in ways that compel us to overlook being fucked over.

      I feel sorry for drug addicts, I truly do. Their lives are a living hell. I do not feel so sorry for them, however, that I would allow them to break into my house and steal my belongings. If they want to utilize the help available to them to get clean, wonderful. In the meantime, I will still keep my doors locked to prevent them from entering my house. DC should not allow her X to break into her emotional home, either.

      • Very well put violet. I posted a response higher up already, but yes – this garbage actually worked for a brief time. He got me to open the gate in his search for pity. It’s amazing how the toxic mess of emotions and that abusive relationship bond can come swirling back when you let your guard down. I submitted this to the UBT to firmly fix the right perspective on this and help me never to let my guard down again. 29 years in an emotionally abusive relationship leaves one with a need for a permanent vigilance I think.

        • >>”29 years in an emotionally abusive relationship leaves one with a need for a permanent vigilance I think.”

          Only 23 years for me … but heavens, yes. It really does.

  • I swear cheaters have a playbook. I received a very similar letter a year or so after the divorce as well. I should look for that email and all the other ones where he was so sad and compare them.

    The universal cheater manual – I’m sorry, not sorry letters. Cheaters are not originals.

  • I almost had to vomit reading this narc’s letter.
    How immature is this selfish piece of shut?

    Leaving his family for his Whore? Let her have him..
    He’s no prize. What the hell does “nothingman” even mean?

    Please for you & your family, divorce this “man child”.
    Hold the door open as he walks out sucking his thumb.

    You deserve better!

    Hugs to you..

  • “I don’t know what dream I’m chasing.”

    My ex wanted to be her “true self” and chase her dreams (i.e., her married COW). We’ve all heard some ridiculous version of this crap at some point. Why can’t these people have a dream of being an honest and decent person? Be reliable or at least be a functioning adult. Why does chasing your dreams have to involve other people’s marriages, hiding money, hooking up in cars and plastic surgery?

    You want to chase your dreams by sleeping with other people….fine…..don’t get married and try to focus your “dreams” on other single people. Then you can be the social butterfly you always dreamed you’d be. But do your thing and try to stay not to destroy anybody else’s life, why is that so much to ask?

    • My coworker’s cousin left her husband and kids to go ‘find her rainbow’ which as it turned out might be in the local bowling alley where she now drinks and hooks up with potential ‘crystals’ I guess who will produce this elusive rainbow.

    • Blindside -“Why can’t these people have a dream of being an honest and decent person?”

      Word.

  • “I didn’t really mean to screw up your life.”

    I DID mean to cheat on you; that you can be sure of. An awful lot of planning went into keeping everything hidden. I just didn’t understand the principle of cause-and-effect. Still don’t. I wasn’t in school that day, Mommy said I didn’t have to go if I had a tummy ache.

    DC, I would never advocate responding to this bullshit. But if you did . . .

    “Please sing the following lyrics to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You” — it does a better job of explaining where I am:

    You’re a fucking asshole.
    You’re a fucking asshole.
    You’re pathetic and worthless.
    You’re a fucking asshole.’

  • He could have saved himself from having to use so many WORDS by simply saying “I’m an Asshat, I suck. Now fuck off.”

  • Made me laugh. MEMEMEME is the refrain. Once you have the necessary detachment, you can only shake your head. They are pathetic, aren’t they?

  • Nice work, UBT!!!

    “Please do all the adult-ing. I don’t adult well.” My only edit would be to make it a command and take out the “please.”

    My X has never and would never admit to not being able to “adult well.” That’s because he does EVERYTHING well! He’s at the top of the heap in EVERYTHING, in fact. His unemployment record is amazing, and his strained relationships with me and our kids consistently sucks. He is an EXPERT liar. He is an involved dad when it comes to enabling bad behavior. What other father would take his mentally ill, addicted son to VEGAS for his 21st birthday to learn how to gamble, drink his first legal drink and bag a prostitute?

    • Oh, chutesandladders, I’m so sorry your son’s sperm donor did this to him. Who indeed? A horribly disordered sad excuse for a parent. I hope your son is getting the help he needs.

    • Chutes

      So sad to think this is all dad has to offer. I’m hoping your son sees him and fights for himself.

  • How did you get my letter?
    Mine had some garbage wrapped in words from Pinterest about the Japanese art of fixing broken bowls with gold… he wanted to come home after injecting his deep and inbounding love into most of the small town I live in, POF and Tinder (rebound attempt no joke 6 of 8)
    I never answered… he never stopped it was like he never said the words.
    He is bankrupt now- I bought my home out of foreclosure.

    I’m over here raising our 3 kids…adulting.

    He is a victim…

  • Wow
    For a second I thought this was one of the letters I got from my narcissistic ex.
    The words are literally identical.

    Is there a website for these people to get form letters on this? Click here to down load a form letter you can send to your spouse that will make them feel sorry for you for cheating on them.

    First of all hiding behind a computer totally voids any hit of a sincere apology (not that there ever was one). Tell me to my face coward.

    Secondly, I don’t give a royal F*** about YOUR feelings in this. Don’t get into a relationship, if you want to screw around. Stay single and stop hurting people who will (gag) love you.

    • LOL’ed at the form letter website.

      Right next to “Cover Letter to Resume” …. “Pity Sorry Text to XW”

  • Yep, he’s definitely a nothingman…
    No integrity
    No respect
    No loyalty
    No accountability
    No compassion
    No empathy
    No decency
    No character
    No desire to change
    No vision
    No insight
    No awareness
    N-O-T-H-I-N-G-M-A-N
    #wasteofskin
    #affronttothewordman

    • A Nowhere Man…a pod person…”Hello ? Is there anybody in there ? (crickets)”

  • Dumped Chump says that husband walked out almost a year ago, and that she received his sad sausage letter about a month ago. Soooo … what happened in the intervening 11 months? Is the Blissful Life with Schmoopie not so blissful anymore? Did she dump him? Did the fantasy wear off? Has he devalued her kibbles? Why would he suddenly, after almost a year, be “up all night thinking” about his ex?

    • You nailed it. Why, indeed. 🙂

      I have never been a gambler, but I would bet a years’ salary that this asshole has run low on kibble supply again. He is likely already cheating on the OW he left his wife for … and trying to re-engage with old supply.

      • For sure. Either the OW-kibble-supply has dried up, or it’s not as sparkly as it once was. He’s now going through his rolodex of reliable old suppliers, and ex-wife Dumped Chump has a gold star next to her name. And the price of reestablishing Narc-Supplier relations is a mere letter filled with self-flagellation and self-pity. A bargain!

        • He’s still with OW. In fact I hear they’ve moved into a very nice place – upgrading together I guess. I can’t imagine what she sees in him. But it seems the “impression” they’re giving is still one of happiness. I imagine they’ll hang on fiercely. Otherwise they have to admit they blew up a family for nothing.

          • Still with the OW, but up all night thinking about you after a year. If his life was filled with true happiness (as opposed to impression-management-happiness), then he wouldn’t have any need to reach out to you with that pathetic letter. If I were you, I’d take his letter as an admission that life with OW isn’t all that.

            • Agreed. Mine just messaged me today and asked how my pain was (I have rheumatoid arthritis) and I said, “Manageable.”

              He said, “You know I am still here for you to talk to.” Why would I want to do that?

              I said I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about my life and he said, ‘I don’t feel that way.” And I replied, ‘You are engaged. Why do you need to talk to me?”

              Do you know what he said? “That’s not the point. We’ve always been good at talking.”

              I have a feeling if the whore knew he was still trying to have conversations with me that she would hit the roof. I just smile because she got what she wanted – a man who cheats on his wife – and now she has to live with it.

              • Winner, winner… chicken dinner! He’s already bored. Glad you shut him down KC!

                I don’t know about you, but I get more honesty talking to a stranger at the bus stop than talking to my X.

              • “That’s not the point. We’ve always been good at talking.”

                But that is EXACTY the point. Why don’t they get that???

              • OW’s are good fuckbuddies but not great companions. I guess he’s missing his cake and might have a sadz.

              • Yep. I don’t think she’s very smart (her grammar and spelling is atrocious) and I don’t think she’s very responsible (whereas I am probably TOO responsible since I took care of practically every adult matter that ever came up in our marriage).

                I am just laughing over here. He has NO CLUE all the progress I’ve made, all the recovery I’ve done, all the research into narcissism/sociopathy. I have him PEGGED and know EXACTLY what he’s doing. I am now the fox! (See the Fox and Scorpion story for what I mean!).

              • Emily, that’s right – it IS the point. But he will NEVER get it. He thinks we should be friends (even asked me to be FB friends and I shut that shit down immediately). I told him today I have not forgiven him and it will be a long, long time before I do.

  • 4 years out…Thank you for the morning giggle. This could have been written by my ex, sad sausage toilet sitter.
    It seems I would never understand either the explanation of a cowardice man child.
    These cheaters are a joke, full of self importance.
    I am so glad and thankful he is no longer my problem anymore.
    OW got the boobie prize of a bald middle age man sucking up her youth to recapture his own.

  • All I hear is…
    I hope you keep hurting forever???? Please remain scarred forever????Please stay confused and angry and never forget how I destroyed you???? Aren’t I powerful to never be forgotten even when I’m gone???????? Power. Power. My legacy lives on inside you. Turn on the song now and cry please. Everytime you hear it please fall back into a depression and have a shit ass day????
    Opposite of everything he wrote.

    And I chuckle… “It’s not that I’m a bad person”… I am “a terrible ugly person”. Tattling on himself in his own text. It’s hard being an idiot and a Narc must hurt his brain.

    I’ve never told someone I’m a good person. It’s a given. When you need to tell someone that it’s because you are a bad person. My Nothingman told me on our 3rd date “I’m a good guy. You don’t need to worry. I was raised right.” I wasnt fluent in Devil-ese back then.

    • Yes- and another thing- he says he wants no response- well why the hell send it- it is all for his benefit.

      When you apologize, aren’t you usually looking for the response: you are forgiven?

      • I totally agree! I think that is evidence that it was sent for his benefit. And if it’s cloaked in sadz then it’s hard to see that his objective is to remain relevant and poke at healing wounds. Pain pain remember me?! No need to respond because that’s not the goal here! And I also think he’s telling her not to respond in case she doesn’t. Being ignored creates a Narc injury and just in case he’s ignored… it’s ok bc I told her not to. I’m still important.

        • I thought this, too. He does want a response but if his precious ego is protected because he told her he didn’t want one AND if she does respond than he can rail her for responding after he told her not to. A circle gaslight.

    • Devil-ese, excellent way to put it!
      That’s what the UBT does, devil-ese to English translation.

  • It took me several Dday “apology”letters much like this one before I saw it. They were always about HIS pain, his sufferings, his sadz. The only mention I ever got about me was how I couldn’t understand because I was perfect and how I needed to learn forgiveness because imperfect people like him are the norm in this world. In one letter he dared to compare a time I had to go to the ER and he sat with me all night to me not being able to stand by him after I discovered his latest affair, I quote “I stood by you when you were sick, and now that I’m sick you choose to not stand by me, how is this fair?” In his head my uncontrollable medical emergency was equal to his months of lying cheating and plotting behind my back, but he’s sick with the sex addiction and all. Blech these cheaters are all the same, the cry of me me me is all they know.

    • Yes always about his pain. Mine told me he was sorry because “In hurting you, I hurt myself”
      Those apologies rang hollow even then and they went straight to the recycling. I forgot, you’re not supposed to recycle dog shit!!! Hope I don’t get in trouble with the city.

  • The last day I saw my fuckwit was when I was doing the final moving out of the marital home with our adult daughters and himself in town about 2 months after the original abandonment. He was there lifting our girls’ things and making some dump runs, being present at all from a sense of guilt and obligation. The last thing he did before he left was to sob and clutch at me that he didn’t deserve me and that abandoning me was the worst thing he has ever done to anyone. I agreed.

    He then went out into the world and continued on with his stupidity and made zero effort to walk even an inch back toward me or our daughters in the months since then. Not that I would have reconciled this time, but it was a very telling episode. I realized that when he sees me he can’t face what he has done and I think he realizes what a coward he is. He can quickly reassume his Mask of Awesomeness when he is gone from me and can gleefully text his 25YO sparkletwat and can completely forget about what a dick he is. Sparkletwat doesn’t know he is a dick yet, but let’s just give that some time.

    I hope that as I see him at the obligatory parenting functions he continues to have that stab of pain in his heart. I hope he sees me happy (and possibly with a great guy on my arm) and feels wicked guilt. I do hope he genuinely regrets his life and his stupid choices. Nope, not at meh yet.

    • Now I.C.
      Very telling indeed. After my STBX left the second time, it was all about his unhappiness. I didn’t know yet about OW2. This time, I didn’t let him cry “sorry…I regret leaving” and come back without proving it. I told him he had to go to a doctor to be evaluated for depression, get into individual counseling, and make choices about living his life differently (like a married person, not a single bar-hopping man).

      He kept up with the sad text messages but did none of the three things I said had to be done for me to even consider taking him back. It was really hard as I am not good with enforcing boundaries and am too forgiving and loyal for my own good, but I am glad I had family to support me in keeping those three boundaries because they told me what I finally needed to know. It wasn’t long before he was living with OW.

      • Yeah, I didn’t know specifically about the 25YO Sparkletwat at that point, just presumed some OW2 existed which of course he lied about. When he had done zero counselling or reflection within a couple weeks of that day I asked him about it (even though I had filed for divorce already) and he said he had just been too, too, too busy to look into that. Yah, right. That was the end of all discussion in my mind and I knew he was just doing the sad sausage routine (self-pity channel coming in clearly).

        It scares me a little now to think where I would be if he had done some naughahyde remorse bit or made a show of counselling. I too would likely be sitting here miserable with my Chumpy self, oh so loyal. Instead he will soon be living with Sparkletwat in Europe and will lie about that to our daughters who are about OW2’s age and are completely disgusted by him. And I am free.

        He continues to rapidly disappear up his own ass. #morecowbell indeed.

  • Nothin Man Sadz

    I’m hearing music in your unapologetic apology but it ain’t Pearl Jam. Nothin Man seems more like a white shoed Cruise Liner lounge singer belting it out on his digital piano to a few drunken seasick passengers.

    Nothin Man got the Sadz real bad and he’s sorry you don’t get where he’s coming from or going….that shit is deep as a puddle.

      • (Disclaimer: PJ is outside of my musical sweet spot, so I’m going by titles only of what appear to be famous songs of theirs)

        Discography for Esther Perel Jam

        — Given to Lie
        — Just Cheat
        — The Fix-Up
        — Jere-MEEE!

      • BAM!! Mic drop. You are firing on all cylinders today Tracy! You must be feeling better. 🙂

      • HAHHAHAHAHA-Well done, CL! That effing bitch. If there’s anybody I’d be violent with, it’s EstrogenPerel. I’d like to slap that smug look off her face.

  • He’ll provide what he can. Sounds like he’s worried about his pocket book, and trying to make you feel sorry for him so you’ll go easy on his financial responsibilities.

    • He will provide the bare minimum that the state is requiring of him but no more…

      Kids want to play sports…sorry, I have no money to even eat with after support payments
      Kids want to go to a camp…sorry, I am in debt up to my eyeballs
      Kids want to go to college…sorry, where is that money supposed to come from?

      He has nothing left after he pays his court ordered support. Don’t mind the new SUV he drives, the Kate Spade purses and Apple watches his girlfriend has received from him, or the weekend getaways the two of them take.

  • Damn, CL! You must be feeling better! This is absolute perfection!! Thanks for firing up the UBT!!

  • “I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.”

    WTF is up with that?? I got the same EXACT language in my pseudo-apology. I didn’t believe it at all. I believed (a) he was trying to stir up trouble or even see if I would bite at all and (b) he was looking for a response – I mean every other email that came before was obsessed with “why won’t you respond to me?!?!”

    I don’t know if you responded or not but I suggest you don’t. It is hard not to but it will dive him crazy if you don’t ????

    • Maybe there are some form letters for pseudo-apologies in the Cheater Handbook?? “See Appendix B.” 😀

      • NC is the preferred response, because once you respond then they think they can continue the conversation. However, I can understand the need to respond. I would (if pushed to the brink of homicide) respond “FOAD”, then redirect his email address as Spam. Let him find out what that acronym means.

        Hang in there, Kid.

  • Oh, I LOVE this. Especially #needsmorecowbell

    Throughout the many times we split and got back together, I heard a variety of these same things. Heard a lot of them before he decided he no longer wanted to be married. Heard a lot of them when I found out about the affair and he Facetimed me, drunk and apologetic and calling himself “the devil.”

    But do you think any of those were genuine? Did his “sincerity” stop him from trying to sleep with me despite him having his whore? Did it stop him from hoovering me months later? Nope.

    Narcs have moments of self-pity and self-awareness, but they are fleeting and easily forgotten.

    • “Narcs have moments of self-pity and self-awareness, but they are fleeting and easily forgotten.” Amen to that, Keeping Calm.

      It’s like we say about the weather in certain parts of the U.S.—if you don’t like it, wait 5 minutes because it will change. If a cheater has the sadz, it will only be temporarily until they work out in their disordered brains how it really was all the chump’s fault. Then cue the rage and blame. It is so wonderful to no longer be subscribed to any of the mindfuck channels.

      Such incredible wit, Tracy. Thank you for the laughs and clarity. You are one talented woman.

      • We have that saying here, too, about the weather.

        And it’s so true. My ex has a switch inside of him and he flips it over and over again; one minute he’s a nice guy, the next a total and complete bastard. It’s astonishing how fast he can change in one conversation. Man, am I ever glad he’s gone.

  • Cheater or not, NO ONE wears self-pity well.

    Own your choices, apologize, and take actions to fix whatever destruction you caused.

    Don’t write woe-is-me letters lamenting your shit character, repeatedly. That’s high school melodrama of teenagers with low self-esteem. It’s barely genuine at 14 years old, and not at all genuine from any adult.

    If there’s one thing we all understand, it’s that cheaters regard themselves VERY highly.

  • Started to lose it with: “Who knows the ways of Decency? It’s like the Great Pumpkin. Wait in your frozen fields of gourds for my return!” and literally had to cover my mouth to keep my coworkers from hearing the howls of laughter when I got to “#morecowbell”. You really outdid yourself with this one, UBT! BRAVO!! [cue standing ovation, cheers and wild applause]

    • Tracy was on fire today! And I lost it at the #needsmorecowbell, too! So freakin’ hilarious!

  • I am laughing out loud at CL’s brilliant response! She nailed every stupid cliche with hilarious and biting truth!. I could particularly identify with the idea that “the manipulation channel is firmly set to self-pity with this one. It tends to work on chumps, with their achilles kindness. All the cheater has to do is bleat on about their shittiness, and the chump is there handing them tissues.” My ex told me on his way out the door (after confessing to multiple affairs from the very beginning of our 25+ year marriage) that he “felt like a failure”….and I actually had to stop myself from saying, “No! You’re not a failure; you aren’t a terrible, ugly person….” I was so used to that pattern in our relationship, that it had become second nature for me to respond with that kind of “empathy.” But not this time; I agreed with him and told him that he was a horrible, miserable failure. And he shut it, because …..truth.

  • “So deep you will always have the scar.” I’m so glad Chump Lady focused in on that piece of wording. It’s like he not only wants but needs to know that the wife is not only hurt, but forever hurt. What a piece of shit. Imagine how he would’ve reacted if she had never shown any type of emotion about him leaving. He would probably hound her to death.

  • Thank you CL!!! Absolutely brilliant! I needed to be able to laugh about this, and see those words for what they really are. Hollow and selfish.

  • “It’s not that I’m a bad person”

    They all say that. My cheater wife has said it repeatedly. They are actually having a conversation with themselves. They are still in denial of the kind of person they are. And also still trying to con you. They also base everything on what YOU KNOW about what they did. What I’ve learned is that the cheating behavior goes way deep. More than you thought is possible. I’ve reached a point of no longer pushing for reveals/details. It scares the living shit out of me that I was married to this woman. It’s like I don’t want to know anymore. My therapist told me that these kind of people only admit to what they have to/evidence presented. For them lying is like breathing.

    • So very true…and it make me feel a little sick to my stomach as well that I was married to a person like this.

    • I personally find the “not a bad person” schtick to be the most offensive. I’d like to know: If doing BAD THINGS is not how you identify someone is a BAD PERSON, then what the hell does identify someone as a bad person? Really it is the world’s most ridiculous thing. Do these mythical bad people all have two extra nipples hidden on their right buttock? I mean shit, I cannot think of anyway to identify that someone is a “bad person” except that they do bad things. I am so sick of these assholes expecting the world to utterly suspend logic when dealing with them. Yet, it is amazing how much the world does exactly that for cheaters…

      • It’s an extension of their self-centeredness and desire to not take true responsibility for what they did.

    • “Lying is like breathing.”

      Yep. My ex is a MASTER of lying. It’s rather amazing how easily he does it.

      Mine always told me he wasn’t a good person, blah blah blah, and then he had the NERVE to tell me, “The OW isn’t as evil as you think. She feels bad for what she did.” Really? She “feels bad” for blowing up a family? She “feels bad” for making the CHOICE to actively go after a married man?

      Ex and his whore are both awful people. I have no problem saying it. They will continue to spackle and justify their choices while I, meanwhile, am going to get to the Land of Meh and not give one single damn what they do.

  • This is the only line of truth in the whole rambling mess:

    “I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.”

    It is ALWAYS all about them… even our grief and pain. He might’ve well as said: “I just need to fuck strangers and lie to you and misappropriate marital funds…. I’m not looking for your permission.”

    Good Lord, if the UBT hadn’t made me laugh so hard, I swear I would’ve been vomiting from this diatribe.

    • Regarding this…“I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.”

      About a month ago, I got a text from my ex that said, “I feel scared and alone.” Luckily, I was at a dinner and my phone was on silent so I didn’t hear it. Then another text came, “No need to respond, I’m a big boy.”

      I didn’t respond to either. I wasn’t going to fall for his pity party, ESPECIALLY when he has his whore to keep him warm. Talk to your whore, douchebag, and tell HER why you feel scared and alone, not me!

  • I used to sing the Beatles under my breath when considering the actions of my X’s, “he’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody.” Can’t come up with a good substitute for “man”, off the cuff. Anyway, when I was doing my Super Spy undercover Detective Work on the Marriage Police, I was amazed at how much time these guys will put into their self destructive ways.

    Rather than actually work and/or do something constructive, they will spend hours trolling dating sites and constructing plausible cover stories to explain their lack of availability or life circumstances to potential victims. They have catch phrases which seem to work on a wide variety of women, like “you are my special love, my dream girl, my perfect love,” and “I’ve been looking for my perfect woman all my life — I just want to hold you and love you forever, you are my one true love.” And, this is a good one, “I have NEVER met another woman like you, I will never need another woman, you are perfect,” and “I just want pictures of your perfection so that when we are old and remembering our great love I will be able to see ALL of you as you are now.” Little do these perfect women suspect that those pictures are destined for some porn site on the internet. Or that they have already met and pictured and had sex with many women, who did not turn out to be perfect, and they will meet many more.

    The thing about these folks is that they are doomed to repeat their shoddy actions all over again and again and again. They do not see any reason to change, they love the ever changing world of available women(men) and they are NEVER going to find “perfection” or be happy. They are not sorry for hurting you — that was the plan all along. They are thieves of time, and wastes of space. They take your love, your money, your respectability, your sense of fair play, your vulnerabilities, and they use, use, use until you are all done, and have nothing left that they want. Then they move on to the next victim. If you have something they will have future use for, and cannot get to, or if you are going to raise the children, or pay-off the mortgage, or something else useful to them, they will use the pretend remorse and sadz to keep you connected. I heard this soulful sorrow from mine “I messed up, and you won’t ever give me a chance to make it up to you, because I did too much damage. I will never have another woman as wonderful as you were to me. There is no point in me trying to find one. I can only become a better man if you give me a chance to be.”
    He didn’t like it when I told him that if he wanted to change, he could, for himself, not for me. And if he continued to seek a perfect woman in the places he was looking, I was sure it was a pointless search. You don’t walk on the wild side of Craigs list looking for perfection. Keep your eyes peeled buddy, I’m sure you’ll find just what you need and deserve. As for his future online victims — if you are a grown up, and have had your heart broken and your dreams destroyed, and you have learned nothing from this experience, there is not enough safety net in the world to stop your free-fall again. We all have to fix our pickers, and recognize the insincere sadz when we hear them. Actions and Results are mighty. Change without expectation of reward is what you are looking for. Remember not to choose the mirage selection when you choose again — take your time and research the prospect. Love doesn’t rush in like a raging river — that is lust. Love might wade in and risk life and limb to help you cross a raging river, without calling the local news crew to film this “spontaneous” act of heroism.

    • “They are not sorry for hurting you — that was the plan all along. They are thieves of time, and wastes of space. They take your love, your money, your respectability, your sense of fair play, your vulnerabilities, and they use, use, use until you are all done, and have nothing left that they want. Then they move on to the next victim. If you have something they will have future use for, and cannot get to, or if you are going to raise the children, or pay-off the mortgage, or something else useful to them, they will use the pretend remorse and sadz to keep you connected.”

      Portia – Yes! Several years ago I finally came to the realization that I was a security blanket to him on the best of days, a doormat all other times. Now he has a new security blanket. I don’t imagine it’ll be long before she becomes nothing but a doormat more often than not. It’s just who he is – he uses. He stops at nothing in his selfish, misguided, dysfunctional pursuit of “happiness”. Good riddance.

      • I TOTALLY agree with you. Mine saw me as a security blanket, as well. He still does! He still wants to talk to me despite him and his whore being engaged, still asks me for advice, etc. I’ve gone no contact me but he doesn’t get the hint.

        “It’s just who he is – he uses. He stops at nothing in his selfish, misguided, dysfunctional pursuit of “happiness”. Good riddance.”

        Yes, yes, yes. Spot on.

    • Absolutely!!! These people self-destruct CONSTANTLY and don’t bother to do the hard work to fix it. My ex self-destructed for the entirety of our relationship in a variety of ways, and he self-destructed in his first marriage and even before that. That’s WHO HE IS. When we divorced last time, he actually went to therapy and I noticed that things were changing – but he didn’t stick with it and the no good, lying narc bum came back with a vengeance.

      They don’t know what happiness is. They have no idea. So they are constantly searching for it. They will never, ever find it.

  • Ooops, somehow my comment for this post got put on your book review page, don’t know how that happened. Random! I’ll try again…

    ARE WE ALL IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AND MARRIED TO TO SAME PATHETIC TIMID FOREST CREATURE?
    I have received versions of this email dozens of times over the last 15 months. He’s sorry but NOT sorry cos he’s still trying to harm me in this neverending divorce. He’s “sorry” but not sorry enough to act like an honorable man and financially protect his wife of 26 years. Again, perfect timing, CL! I do feel sorry for him, I really do. He’s a clueless and pathetic 55 year old man chasing a dream, a real “Nowhere Man” as the Beatles wrote decades before Pearl Jam. You really made me spit out my coffee with this gem…”Feel free to stop me at any time…. Loser. Half-wit. Couldn’t get it up with a hydraulic crane” …Same here, his penis also was a timid forest creature that rarely was erect enough to see the light of day, so that was one of his many reasons to have an affair—a new hole! so exciting! see, it works now! it was your fault all the time! New and shiny hole! So I have a song for him, Irreplaceable by Beyonce, “to the left, to the left…everything you own in a box to the left” the soundtrack to him taking his crap away from this house he called his “sanctuary”. They are idiots, all of them. If only they didn’t cause so much damage, it would be laughable.

    • Mine sent me a text apologizing for the hurt he caused and then said this, “There is no amount of money that will ever make up for what I did.” This while he was funnelling income through his girlfriend for the sole purpose of trying to reduce his support payments. Ummm…actually if you were truly sorry you would have made sure that your wife and kids were taken care of not cheated financially on top of it.

      • “Nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like money” said Nucky Thompson on “Boardwalk Empire”

        Like an overly generous divorce settlement and paying for the children’s undergraduate degrees without pissing and moaning…

  • My wife has done so little so nothing to show any remorse or even realization of what she did. She has not given any apology (I should not have done what I did it was not a good decision) that this letter seem so awesome to me. If I got this letter I would be thrilled, yes it’s everything CL said and more but I am so absent anything it is like a dream to me. LOL how much of a chump am I I’m longing for someone else’s bullshit letter from their narc

    • It is fake remorse. It may make you feel better to hear it in the moment but once you realize it is not real, it will just piss you off even more. Better to accept that she truly sucks and the only remorse she may ever feel is if life goes sideways because of it (or OM stops being so shiny) but that remorse will be for her, not you.

    • Betrayed and Confused, you’re never going to get what you’re seeking. They’re incapable of true remorse and empathy. Take it from someone who learns the hard way – believe me, it’s best to focus on healing and shoring up your defenses. Grow and heal to the point where you have no interest in receiving an “apology” or any other communication from her. Honestly, those first few months after he left, I was consumed with wanting something from him – any hint of remorse or kindness. This is just that toxic bond from an abusive relationship – work on breaking free of those bonds. There is nothing she can give you, no words that will help you. You may think I’m wrong, but please don’t seek it, don’t hope for it. You’re projecting your ability to be empathic and kind and remorseful on her. She is not like you. You deserve better – set your sights on building relationships with people who have empathy, people who will build you up and not break you down. I know it hurts worse than about anything I can imagine – but the only real hope is to heal beyond your need for her.

      I Posted about this earlier, but I’ll admit I let my defenses down after that text. Against my better judgment I opened the door and sent him a short but compassionate reply. What a mistake! It wasn’t just that he responded with coldness, reiterating that he didn’t want a response from me. The real problem was – when I replied, I opened the door to his hold on me. I put my heart back on my sleeve and it scared me to no end how quickly all those emotions and dysfunctional abusive bonds took hold of me again. I was a wreck for days. Don’t be like me! This is war. If we try to negotiate with the enemy, we get taken down.

      • Don’t be hard on yourself for making that mistake, be proud of yourself for realizing it and being on the lookout going forward. Your sharing your story helps me and other chumps to keep up our guard because ric, courts, well meaning people all say the opposite. Your’s is a classic example that these cheaters are evil con artists. Not our circus anymore.

    • Don’t feel so bad, Betrayed and Confused. You said, “ how much of a chump am I, I’m longing for someone else’s bullshit letter from their narc.” Chances are you are still processing the deep grief of the betrayal and discard. Any form of meaning, closure, facts, etc. seem like they would surely help us in our journey out of the depths of pain. In the beginning, I was envious of those who reported love bombing or hoovering. Now I’m so grateful that NC has worked its wonders and I can see him for the selfish, lying, disordered POS that he is and was. Just keep coming here and reading and posting and asking for support. You will start seeing the patterns of the disordered and realize how your kindness and empathy allowed you to believe her lies. You’ve been living on crumbs and fumes for too long.

      You have worth. You did not deserve to have your heart ripped out, your money stolen, or your life and dreams blown up. I’m so sorry for your pain. Don’t look to the arsonist to keep you warm and safe. Hugs.

    • Ohh you may one day get something like the above, when she needs something (kibbles!) from you. Probably when she’s feeling lonely and vulnerable. Steel yourself for that day – it will be bullshit.

  • That letter could have been written by my STBX. He’s verbalized similar crap to me. Plus, as he’s still living next door to me, he will make a point to look contrite, and sorrowful, and defeated if we happen to be outside at the same time.

    And it almost works on me. But then I think of CN, and am grateful for the eye openers on here. Plus, not having him living with me since August has been REALLY nice! My house stays clean, and the best is that it stays calm.

      • I can’t imagine living that close to my cheater, either! I’m THRILLED that mine lives 40 miles away from me and therefore, I don’t have to worry about seeing him or his whore in the grocery store or anywhere else. Thank God!

  • This was a fantastic UBT! Wow! One of my favorites!

    X wrote me something similar. Life with consequences sucks for narcissists! “I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.” Favorite part today. Sums up X PRECISELY! ACCCKKK! hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahah!

  • Highlighted cheater today knows how to load up on word salad at the buffet.

    Yesterday, I just read an email from my lying ex-boyfriend. He told me that he ‘owns’ his ‘mistakes but won’t talk to me on the phone for even a few minutes because I point out his (moral) shortcomings (yeah, I said that I was angry that he lied to me–how dare I?!) and he doesn’t want to ‘dwell on them.’ I agree with him not wanting to dwell–he didn’t miss a beat in getting together with his co-worker after lying to me for months about nothing being wrong and nobody else being in the picture. (Not sure whether he physically cheated on me, but I am upset that I believe he had what amounts to an ’emotional affair’ with her.)

    Also said that he’s now ‘trying to be a better person.’ Why is he telling me this? And telling me that he is behaving better for him and my replacement is supposed to help me how? Is this Catholic Church confession, in which some people believe that just saying, ‘I goofed up.’ is enough? I hope that someday I will be glad that my replacement came into the picture. Sadly, I think that my ex-boyfriend and my replacement will have a much nicer (financially more secure, comfortable, way more free time to recuperate) life than my kids and I will. Not trying to be self-pitying, just feeling depressed and angry about the situation.

    Now that in his mind I am no longer of use (after 30 years), now that he’s got childless, younger model at work, I don’t expect to ever hear from Mr. Popularity Great at Convincing People He is a Humble Loyal Friend and Partner who told me that he cared about me and loved me as a friend. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Traitors.

    The questions for me are, ‘Why have I put up with rotten behavior for decades?’ and ‘How can I healthfully, effectively cope with loneliness so that I quit trying to hang on to bad guys?’

    • RockStarWife I have the same questions to myself. I plan on pulling into my cocoon for the winter and doing some major self-reflection and esteem building. Maybe I can reemerge in the spring as a person who attracts better people in her life.

    • I got the same thing from Jackass during the discard: “I’m trying to be a better person.” His example? He was saying “thank you” to the people in Wendy’s drive through. Seriously. Meanwhile, he’s lying to me about our relationship and carrying on with a married woman who has 3 kids. Being “nice” to people in the drive-through is just basic manners. He’s a zillion miles from being a good person or a kind one. But maybe he’s better than a hyena because he walks upright. #needsmorecowbell

      “

      • Oh, LAJ —

        “I’m trying to be a better person by saying ‘thank you’ to the people in the drive through at Wendy’s.”

        This made my day.

      • Maybe he can take an advanced course in “better person” and learn to put down the toilet seat and flush? Maybe he can work up to actually complying with staying below 20 items and paying with cash line at the grocery store — or let someone with 2 or 3 items in line in front of him! Oh Wow! The possibilities for being a better person are endless when you start out being a JackAss!

        Love you LAJ!!!! Where would we be without our sense of humor???

  • This reeks if “shit isn’t working out over here, so I’m trying to get my foot in the door to get back in over there.”

    This was one of the best UBT’s I’ve read.

    • Because if the Chump bites on this, maybe she’ll let him lower the child support.

  • “Gosh, no! You aren’t a terrible, ugly person! You have worth! And a pretty smile! Here’s a fistful of kibbles!”

    I am three months out from DD, found this site a few days later and have been reading ever since. This is the first time a post has made me laugh… and then started me crying because this has been my response to his justifications so far.

    I have such a hard time believing the hard line that it’s always about them. But it is. There is only selfishness in a man who can carry out an affair for more than a year and only come to the realization of how much he’s hurt me AFTER I found out.

    • They can do it because they lack empathy. My cheater wife finally admitted to cheating on me over the course of five months- jeopardizing my health. I gave her 17 years of my life and loyalty and she couldn’t even engage in protected sex when cheating. Apparently it turned her on to have sex with me right after him. No empathy whatsoever. They are selfish demented people.

      • Ssame experience here!

        They are literally all the same, just varying degrees of fucked-uppedness.

        #freaks #losers #liars

      • OMG. Zell, I’m so sorry to read this…

        My ex had sex with me for three months before I found out – and of course, since he had a vasectomy long, long ago, we had unprotected sex. When I think of it now, that he was sleeping with her while also sleeping with me…it literally makes me want to throw up. Sex was something special for me, something only between us as husband and wife, and to know that he was having sex with her and me at the same time…my gosh. That part used to send bolts of searing agony through me. It’s better now (9 months out from D-Day) but wow. Unbelievable pain.

        • It used to make me want to shower from the inside out. It made me feel dirty and violated.

            • It is so totally disgusting- I️ don’t know why people aren’t more put off by that. Still wonder what he told her because we were having sex 3 times a week until he left. Lies obviously.

              Mortified when he said he had unprotected sex and then said he didn’t think it was anything soap and water wouldn’t wash off.

              Wanted to suggest the three of us go out to lunch and get to know each other after whore’s deposition considering we had probably exchanged bodily fluids. Didn’t though- I️ really need to throw up.

        • Yes. This is why reconciliaton is impossible for me. The idea that he was with someone else… how does anyone banish that thought when being intimate during wreckonciliation?

  • OMG I got one of these just last night. They remind me of one of those wind up dolls that toddle along until they bump into something then pivot and toddle til they bump into something else. My STBX is “broken and lost” . Well boo hoo buy some glue and get a map.

    Guess what home boy.. you did not scar or break me.. you just slowed me down for a while. Your power is limited. You give yourself too much credit and you assume that once the dust settles that you will be missed by your family. You will be an after thought. Someone the kids will have to accommodate (with a sigh and groan) on special occasions.

    You abdicated the throne in an unnecessarily hurtful way. Be gone. The king is dead.

  • CL, you had me at cowbell.

    This jerk is testing the waters to see if Dumped Chump can be reeled back in for another go round. Don’t do it, DC! Do not respond. It’s not your problem that the crapweasel is tired of paying child support and has no one to do his chores while he searches for inner meaning. You’ve already given 22 years to the entitled one; don’t waste a minute more.

  • HAHHAHAHAHA-Well done, CL! That effing bitch. If there’s anybody I’d be violent with, it’s EstrogenPerel. I’d like to slap that smug look off her face.

  • My STBX has thankfully not sent any drivel like this to me. Occasionally he has told me some sad sausage line like “It being his destiny to have no money and live with his mom”. Blech. No accountability for his actions.

    This past weekend I had the pleasure of running into one of his new acquaintances. She said that he never speaks anything negative of me and in fact never mentions me at all. I told her, why would he? He would have to admit to everyone what he did! She also said he seems shameful of the situation. Shameful. Not remourseful. Not apologetic. Shameful. It’s all about his image. Not about what he has done to anyone else.

    None of these jerks have the capacity to be truly sorry for their actions. If they did, they wouldn’t do them in the first place.

    • “None of these jerks have the capacity to be truly sorry for their actions. If they did, they wouldn’t do them in the first place.”

      So true, I had to keep reminding myself during the divorce process that wanting a sincere apology from a cluster B is like going to a hardware store to buy milk…

  • I’ve been up all night feeling sorry for myself. I miss what you gave me. You were useful. If you could just let bygones be bygones, then I could bypass any of the hard work that goes along with gaining insight and introspection, and growing up and doing right by myself and others. So if you could see a way to just forgetting everything, that’d be real cool. I won’t stop cheating, because I’m a Bad Person, but I sure do miss that easy life you gave me. So call me! I’m not sorry per se, and I’m not willing to do any heavy lifting, but call me.

  • Here’s my UBT: “I ….I …..I ….I ….I …I ….I …..I …. ”

    “This note that is all about me is the best you are going to get from me as an apology, which is not apology at all. An apology would be about the specific things I did to hurt you. It would be about you. This note is about getting the response from you I say I am not looking for. I … I … I …..”

  • Yeah he’s searching for meaning and happiness, for his dick that is. And he still hasn’t found it. If he were thinking properly, he would have honored his partner and found meaning and happiness with her. But instead, he’s still searching and searching for the person who will make his dick happy. And we all know that that kind of pleasure never brings true happiness. Good luck to you bud, you will never find meaning and happiness, because you are an empty shell of a person, who cannot value human interactions. These cheaters all want to be happy, whatever.

  • I received many many similar emails. There must be a cable Cheater Channel with programs about how to create these sad stories, and fill-in-the blank letters. I often responded, at first, and the truth is that he never showed up or followed through on his email promises. No actions, just words. Lots and lots of words. I looked back over our marriage; he did all the talking. I once saw the cell phone bill and realized that he spoke 2 hours every day to his AP, and he always called her. He once tried to blame her because she wouldn’t let go so he could go back to his family. Delusional. He had once source of kibble supply, then wanted some from me, and then even more women. Never ever enough.

    Now I think but don’t say to him: Your actions are so loud I can’t hear what you’re saying.

    • “Now I think but don’t say to him: Your actions are so loud I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

      SPOT. ON.

      My cheater talked a very good game. But his actions revealed the truth every single time. Still do.

      • At least when they write an email, the word salad is undeniable! In conversations, no one could keep up with all the manipulations! Sometimes I’d wish for a tape recorder so that I’d be able to listen to all the bs. Words are cheap. Blah blah blah.

  • Old granny was wise. Back up those words with action, and maybe you’ll be worth listening to!

  • CL this UBT is LOL awesome. D-C it sounds like he has a case of the SADZ and naughtahyde (false remorse). I recommend NC (really clears up cases of mallingering narc) and a cold look at how his actions align with this non specific BS. This is based on experience of 30 years with an entitled narc who said similar things in a F2F apology post DD. ‘So sorry would do anything to make it up’ My response about a good settlement so I could look after our two financially dependent offspring got Crickets. ( silence broken only by the sound of the breeze and wildlife in the garden). Also, before finding CN and going NC chumpily reassured him when he made the ‘so sad going to end it all call’ but of course he didn’t and within two months post DD2 moved in another (not OW1 or OW2) wife-appliance#2. Does NC fix their SADZ? Unlikely but it helps in moving on and gaining a life.

  • We have a natural tendency to recognize similarities to our own situation.

    In my case, the part that triggers me is how this guy’s “apology” creates this whole narrative about how broken Dumped Chump is because of what he did. On the surface, he says he feels bad, but deeper down, he seems to get his jollies from how devastated he thinks he made her.

    Considering that a whole year has passed, I assume that she’s not crying herself to sleep at night. She probably realizes that he sucks and that her life is on a much better trajectory now than it would have been if she were still with him.

    My cheater created a lot of stories/lies to make things easier for himself. I think that, initially, he only told those lies to other people… like the obvious lies to the OW about how lonely he felt in his marriage to his boring/controlling/loveless wife and how he longed to connect emotionally and physically with someone/the OW. Eventually, in those last months of our marriage, he’d lie to me, to the point of pointing out things I said or did, when I knew perfectly well that I never said or did those things. He convinced himself of those lies because they fit his narrative and made him feel that cheating was okay. Somehow.

    These people are deranged, and they think they are the center of the universe. Dumped, you can still be an amazing mom, but that has nothing to do with his whiny letter. I see that you gave him some kibbles after this, but please, no more. He sucks and doesn’t deserve your attention.

  • Better he walked out than torture you for years until you were literally out of your mind.

    Mine is with the other man and it’s been a little over year for me too – not counting the 5 years of mindfuckery. I still hurt so bad I can barely walk around. I just repeat Chump Lady, “trust that they suck”.

    • I’m sorry, Hezron. I hope that you will begin to heal. My ex is with his whore – living with her and engaged to her shortly after our divorce was final (our divorce was done in three months & he wasted no time).

      Trusting that they suck is one of the HARDEST things to believe and digest. I have says where I can’t quit thinking of all the good things my cheater did. But thankfully, they pass.

      Do you journal? I’ve found that to be immensely helpful for me.

  • This article resonated with me today. I got something similar after he left me for whore (that he kept secret):

    “I know that I hurt you more than can ever by repaired but I do care about you and your future. I have never been good at sharing feelings and emotions which I have no doubt was a major cause of crippling our marriage (he conveniently left out the part about his whore and that they were already living together). I tried to be a good husband and when I realized that I was not being the person you married, I knew there had to be a change. I thought I could solve all problems by keeping everything inside but obviously I failed. You need someone that is going to care for you and treat you well and I don’t feel I can be that person.

    I want nothing more than an amicable divorce. I will be very fair but I cannot let you “crush me” financially. I am only willing to give up dog because I know you love him and will take great care of him. Also, he is a great protector and a great companion for you. We can meet Thursday to discuss after work”.

    We were married almost 17 years. That was the big apology. My IC roared when I read it to him and said that is textbook 16 year-old boy behavior and speak.

    • “I I I I I”

      That’s pretty much what his shitty letter said to you. “I thought…” “I knew” “I want” “I will.”

      Mine kept his affair secret for three months because “I didn’t want to hurt you.” I even asked him if he was cheating on me because I had my suspicions. He said, “If I were cheating on you, I’d have the balls to tell you.” Guess who didn’t have the balls?

      • Keepin Calm,

        You’re right. It was a shitty letter about him. It’s always about them.

        As for the balls, none of them have them. My XH went on to marry his whore. I’ve moved on – still not 100% Meh, but I’m getting closer each day.

        • Mine is engaged to his. He told me, “Not sure when we’re going to get married. Maybe six months from now, maybe a year, maybe ten years.”

          Uh, okay.

          I’m not at 100% meh, either, but it’s getting easier, though I have days where I want to curl up into a ball again. But they are becoming fewer. We are so much better off without these pigs.

          • Sorry about their future (if ever!) unholy union. It’s funny to see cheaters that profess to hate marriage rush into another marriage. These scumbags deserve each other.

            My XH’s (younger) whore is financially fleecing him. It’s almost fun to hear about. I’m long past the days where I curl up and cry over him. In fact, today is my 4th Divorce Anniversary! It gets easier with time. I’m 95% there.

            Hang in there!

            • Thank you! I know better days are ahead. My ex always told me that if we ever broke up, he’d never get married again. But within months, he was engaged to his whore. Unbelievable! When I asked him why, he said, “Things change.”

              No, douchebag. YOU don’t change.

              • My XH said the same. Cheaters are so unoriginal.

                Their karma will be each other. 🙂

  • Jesus. How many of us had to hear ” I don’t know who I am” and ” I’m flawed”?

    Well I now have no question who he is and as I yelled back at him “We are ALL fucking flawed”!!! ” It doesn’t give you the right to run over your family”!!!

    I’m glad to no longer have to be concerned with his unhappiness and search for meaning. Maybe his search will lead him to the bottom of a lake.

    • For all the cheaters who don’t know who they are, I will be happy to tell them : You are a lying, cheating, fucking asshole!!! And flawed is a gross understatement.

    • yeah cheater wife proclaimed: “I’m flawed. You’re strong because you had a rough childhood. My childhood was easy so that made we weak”.

      I said: “well now our daughter will have a rough childhood with divorced parents”

        • Wow i can resonate with the ‘i dont know who i am ‘ line but as far as an even fake humility / apology ….will never happen. He is light years from that sentiment. I got “you are really strong” ….only because i took so much for so fucking long and didnt snap. I think he wanted me to be the one that ended it from his shitty behaviour. Im one of those that would have never given up on us. Too bad i didn’t know he was doing all he could to fuck us up.

  • Love it. The most telling thing I noticed is my cheater cannot have a conversation in which he is not allowed to talk about himself. He is supposedly desperate for ‘wreckconilation” and wants me to stop the divorce proceedings so he can “help me and the children heal”. My request was simple, “Have a conversation with me without using the word “I” or talking about yourself.”. He literally looked at me like a deer in the headlights, coughed a few times, and all he could muster was, “I probably shouldn’t try to have this conversation now.” It has been the most peaceful two days I have had in a long time. He knows to only speak about the kids, in writing, until he can have a conversation on my terms. And, it is finally clear that literally the only topic he is capable of discussing is himself.

    Things that might sound good if you aren’t paying attention: “I realize how much I hurt you.” or “I realize just what a horrible person I have been to you.” A normal person could easily take themselves out of the conversation, “You did not deserve any of this. You did nothing wrong. You will no longer have to parent alone. You will no longer be the only adult. You can finally have some peace. You can take as long as you need. Your anger is justified and you should feel free to show it as you need to. You are amazing.” And on and on and on and on. However, his mind doesn’t work like that. He cannot even form a thought in which he isn’t in the center of it. Even if he is degrading himself, he is still at the center of the conversation. It is quite amazing to watch.

    • Wow. That would be something, to receive a response like that.

      “You did not deserve any of this. You did nothing wrong. You were lied to in the most egregious manner possible. Your trust was horrificially violated. Your anger is justified. You were put through hell. You are justified in terming your treatment ’emotional abuse’.”

      I can’t even conceive of such a thing.

      • I actually got the first two sentences from my ex right after I found out about the affair. He said I did nothing wrong, that I was a perfect wife. But a month later, he was lying to me again, trying to sleep with me (despite being with the whore which he also lied to me about). As I said before, narcs have their moments of self-awareness, but they don’t last long.

    • I was talking to my mom the other day about a trip I invited my whole family for Christmas so I’m not alone. She responded as cheater, everything was about her, although she is perfectly aware why I’m spending a small fortune to pay for their travel. She could not even put a sentence about me and my suffering. I noticed, but I could not even imagine how that would sound until now.

  • Notice he is still giving her instructions and expecting her to obey them? Listen to this song, keep parenting our children blah blah. The toilet writing is funny but my x would have stayed up all night watching porn as he wrote this letter.

  • That letter is dangerous because Chumps are capable of love and loved their spouses or they would never have married them thus a part of them longs for the cheater to accept responsibility and genuinely be remorseful.

    For me, my Ex is a Narc who blameshifted everything onto me. It would be an icy day in Hell before I would ever get a letter like that from her !!
    If I was asked by God what I would want for justice, my response would be that I wish that she could really see and feel the horrible pain and lasting damage that she caused me and to be truly sorry.
    Thus, a letter like this on the one hand would be wonderful but on the other total sad sausage BS.

    • The STBX blameshifts in texts. He can’t talk to me because I’m angry. He never admits why I might be angry (lying, cheating, abandoning). He was gone a lot he admits but I never put him first. How can you put someone first if they are never home. But he has done some crying..doesn’t say why. Maybe he stubbed his toe. He is off with his brother hunting for a week so he is either bored or his GF broke up with him. He thinks we should talk in person because I seem angry in texts because he doesn’t respond much and I’m feeling “insecure”. That’s the thing I hate the most is that he tells me how I feel. Fuck how would he know. He also needs to heal and find himself. My question is what is he healing from? He tells me I need to heal (ya think?) and find myself also. Well I’m not lost. I know who I am. He loved to criticize but in the end I didn’t hear it anymore. I stopped paying attention. If you hear the same thing too much you tune it out. He tries to come off as so magnanimous, so concerned. I told him we could talk in April when I say so.

  • In my experience, a letter like that would indicate my ex was planning to fuck me over in some way. Buttering me up before delivering the stab wound to the heart. He is an expert in that. Outside of those occasions, I never got anything but hatred, blame, self pity, and simmering anger. Oh, and lies. Lots and lots of lies.

  • Yeah, it *sounds* good on paper, but that is the one thing cheaters are great at, telling you what you want to hear. I tell therapy patients of mine until I’m blue in the face, THESE ARE JUST WORDS. Not all acts of aggression *look* aggressive on the surface. Without actions, words mean absolutely nothing, but they are good impression management.

  • Classic narcissist hoover. Predictably down to the almost 1 year anniversary. I just received mine too about two weeks ago. They must be able to purchase them preprepared online or something because the similarities are uncanny.

    A benign Hoover full of false contrition.

  • I waited over a year for the apology letter or apology email or apology phone call to land. I got … nothing. Which, in retrospect, gave me the strength to hire a good attorney and fight for my financial security and we did well. His refusal to acknowledge any hurt or betrayal or the lies and deceit cost him and benefitted me. Divorce is about money, not love. He still parades around like one of the good guys. I get a nice check every month. Screw the apology. Fight for yourself.

  • After 3 years I still got I’m sorry texts. It was in rotation with various “I’m dying” texts or rage (aimed at my family.
    I finally blocked him, which only caused him to reach out to my adult children who hate him. “Is Born Free OK? I’m worried about the big fires nearby” “Can you ask Born Free to let me know she’s OK?”

    Reminds me of when DD was 2 yrs “Look Mommy. Mommy look at me. Look mommy. LOOK”

  • During the exit conversation he announced that “we’d had a good run” (29-year relationship, 24-year marriage) and now it was time to move on to the next phase. That we should do a kitchen-table divorce with no lawyers. Then that we should both use his lawyer. It took me almost two years on CN to believe that he was all about protecting himself and his fuckbuddy and I was not in the equation. It’s a hard lesson to accept, but believe it and protect yourself.

    • “we had a good run”??? wtf is this shit.
      Hackneyed dialogue from a Hallmark movie?
      Mine cocked his head, look wistfully into the distance and said, “It’s all over, Kiddo!”
      He was smiling.

      • …as he pictured himself slinging his leg across his Harley, popping on his raybans, revving the engine, & driving into the sunset. The camera in the movie of his life lingers on your face, a single tear roles down your cheek as you look after him plaintively, just another broken heart left in his wake…

        …is almost certainly what he was thinking, since they’re all so bloody predictable.

        • MC – I pictured him swinging up onto his horse moseying off into the sunset.

          Kiddo?
          We had a good run?

          What is this crap?

  • One of the best UBTs evah. I hope Tracy can take a long hot shower after crawling into Nothingman’s head, cuz she has captured the sewer of his thoughts well.

  • “You know that.”

    Yes, it’s all about the timing. One year later and it’s all about your needs. Right around the time the infatuation fades. Supply and centrality must be maintained. The divorce process is going forward and consequences will be realized.

    “The things you seek, decency, peace, and understanding may never come.”
    Look at the driveling grasp for control.

    Thanks to CL we’ve practiced boundary making and know what decency looks like. We find peace and our walks sing. We have a great understanding of the abuse we’ve suffered and know we will live better.

    We know the drill, no contact. They hate to be ignored.

  • Hahahaha! The most ridiculous letter I have ever read. What a loser! Bye Felicia…

  • In the end, we are better off without these lowlife losers. Mine literally thought he was God. It was sickening. Combine the worst politicians, producers, CEO’s, that have malignant narcissism and multiply it by 200 and that’s the gem of a so-called man that I had to tolerate. He had them all beat!!! Everything was a game of cat-n-mouse to him. Came to find out he fed all those same lines to his ex wife and me. How he was “sorry” he felt “broken” followed by life wasn’t fair, he had too much responsibility, he felt trapped. Bullshit all of it!!! The fact of the matter is men that already feel they are God or above everyone don’t have any qualms not paying bills, running up debt for image, exploiting umpteen women, wanting everyone to feel soooo sorry for them, poooo woe is me middle aged married men that feel they are losing out in life!!! Mine went after someone that could have been his own son’s age. A gal that has no idea the evil Spawn of Satan this man can and will be. He also had a very nasty habit of labeling people old and useless, young and dumb. He made fun of his first cougar wife for the change of life, he thought women were of no use other than cooking if you were over 48 years old! Ridiculous behavior. He didn’t mean to wreck your life? Ya right. That’s all these type do!!!! Jump from victim to victim leaving an evil path of destruction! I’m surprised your ex didn’t feed you the dumbass line he found religion? Yep I’m pretty sure The Bible doesn’t say go cheat on your wife, find greener grass, abdicate from all responsibilities everytime life is boring or too hard….just go have playtime. What a joke these assclowns are! Don’t forgot you are a warrior hunny!!! Let no one bring you down!!!

  • The crazy thing is some of these idiots actually believe what they spew.
    Nobody wants to live with that.

  • Actual verbatim statement of narcissist faux sympathy:

    Cheater: “It’s going to get a little bit better every day, until someday… [voice choking up] someday you forget all about me!! [breaking into big melodramatic sobs].

    Me: [incredulous that he’s sobbing and crying big tears over how forgotten he will be someday].

  • This gave me chills.

    This could have honestly been from my ex. Word for fucking word. He wrote me an email, eerily similar. Because you know, he couldn’t see me face to face to break up with me following D-Day and wreckoncilitation *poor sausage*.

    Yours is similar. Are they twins?

    Dumped Chump, I am renaming you. Cherished Chump. Because I cherish you, Chump Nation cherishes you, your friends and family cherish you.

    Stay no contact/grey rock as best you can with your fuckwit ex narc. He is terrifying and I wish you well. Don’t untangle the skein! Don’t take the bait! He’s HORRIBLE.

    He will do nothing but drag you down and suck the very life out of your soul.

    • 99 thank you – Cherished Chump. I love it! We cannot allow ourselves to be defined by what our cheaters chose to do and who they are. Day by day gray rock is becoming easier. And I now keep him blocked on my phone unless the kids are with him!

  • OMG. I got a very similar version of this last week. I just sat there saying WTF? He left my son and I 3 mths ago to hook up with his ex (of 35yrs ago.) Even left the country with all his worldly possessions to move in with her. Something must’ve gone haywire or he’s not getting enough attention so I’m getting the woe-is-me messages. It’s screwing with my brain. I didn’t respond but now the fog is back and I’m doubting myself. Is this in the play book too?

  • “I don’t know who I am, but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them. I LOVE them unconditionally…”

    Just not enough to make sacrifices on their behalf or put their needs above my whims. But, like, in an abstract way that doesn’t involve effort from my part, I do love them.

    “Please give them a better life than I was able to.”

    So if you wouldn’t mind picking up my slack in the parenting department, that’d be great.

    “I’ll continue to provide the best I can.”

    Or, well, I’ll call whatever I give “the best I can.” Note this email didn’t come with “I decided that I’m going to put X amount above my legal obligations in a trust/college fund for the kids every month,” or “I decided that one week a month will be penance time when I spend no money on anything fun and that money I would have spent goes into a savings account to pay for stuff to do with the kids,” or any other actual ACT of providing for them – just a meaningless “best I can” platitude.

    “I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing.”

    I just know it should always be shiny and fun and not involve effort, loyalty, or sacrifice on my part.

    “I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.”

    I’m just very used to you being my FeelingsDump receptacle, and I see no reason why my abandoning you should have changed that. Besides, OW isn’t interested in hearing me whine about this, and someone needs to pay attention to my Sadz.

    “I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die.”

    And taking care of my kids brought me neither meaning nor happiness, nor did you, nor did my OW, but I’m going to keep looking for someone else to fill that hole inside me, and abandoning them when they can’t.

    “I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.”

    Because being something would require work and unselfishness, and I don’t like those. So I’ll wallow in pity.

  • I don’t really have anything to add here except to say that I want to be Chump Lady when I grow up. Some people read Dostoyevsky, Proust, Kundera, our own DF Wallace…I get excited reading Chump Lady’s words. I marvel at how perfectly crafted they are. At how perfectly on point they communicate what it is I feel – what we all are feeling. The expressions, the analogies, the simple turn of words…it’s all perfect. And I’m blown away by it. Every time.

  • OMG this was almost the exact letter I got!
    I had no idea it was universal BS! Wants me to know he is feeling spiritual and now relates to the song ” dust in the wind”. It took all my fucking strength to not tell him he’s just a fart in the wind. Buh bye fart.

  • These replies really need like buttons. I just want to click and agree with a lot of it. For a while LAM would compose these long I-I-I message begun with a cursory “hi, how are you and and punctuated by, “i’m not paying for xyz anymore (even though I ran out on your and my responsibilities).”

    • More Resources

    Check out CL's Book

    Stay in Touch

    Facebook Twitter Youtube

    All rights reserved. Privacy Policy

    Copyright © 2012 – 2023 Chump Lady

    Website by Codeable.