SuperDuperChump sent this missive from his ex-wife to the Universal Bullshit Translator. You’ll recall, from an earlier amazing post “Miracles Happen on Tuesdays”, SuperDuperChump’s then-cheating-wife left him for dead after surgery (while he was sleeping off anesthesia) to go fuck her Other Man, a pastor. (You. Cannot. Make. This. Shit. Up.)
Well… she’s baaaack. SuperDuperChump gained the life, the divorce, and gained a good woman too. Oh hey, his ex is “sorry” now.
Please do not be mad at Jessica for giving me your address. I am sorry that you are filled with so much hatred towards me that you always ignore my phone calls. It is unhealthy to be so angry. It will kill you.
I’m filled with so much hatred toward you that I stalked Jessica for your address. DO NOT IGNORE MY PHONE CALLS. Depriving me of kibbles could kill you.
I wanted to let you know I am sorry for everything.
All the things. The nameless, unspecified things. Rain. Traffic. Gum on your shoe. People who say “impactful.” Tiny dogs in purses. The GOP tax bill. Everything! (Except those things I actually did). #notsorry
You told the judge that you wasted the best 25 years of your life, but I do not feel that way.
And really how I feel is the important thing.
I cherish those years with you.
I cherish cake.
I am sorry for being wayward.
Here’s a nice sanitized euphemism. Am I a person who fucked around on her spouse, or am I person who wanders helplessly into snowdrifts? #helpmeivefallenandicantgetup
I am sorry for all the credit cards and finances that I messed up.
I am sorry you no longer pay my bills.
I am sorry for forcing you to sell the shop. All you had to do was buy out my half of everything and I would have let you keep it. I was only doing what my attorney told me to do.
Those evil attorneys, telling people what to do. Who hired them?
I’m sorry I did this terrible thing that is your fault, but which could’ve been averted had you only done the impossible.
Oh hey, let me make it up to you! Here’s a puppy. I’m going to bash its head in with a brick, unless you guess the number I’m thinking of between 1 and 786,549.
I’m sorry, the number was 7.
Had you only answered 7, I would’ve let you keep it.
Even though it has been almost 2 years, I am still having a tough time with all of this and I want to have a clear conscience. I am going to counseling and have started going back to church. So, here goes:
Me, me, me. Jesus. ME.
I am so very sorry for never loving you.
Fuck you, you unlovable sonofabitch.
I’m so very sorry you are unlovable. I am a person capable of great love. However, your repulsiveness was just a challenge too great. My magnanimity was no match for your hideousness.
I was a struggling, single mom with 2 little girls and I had to think about about my children.
The children made me use you. Blame them.
I was a magnet to only loser men and they would just use me and discard me like a piece of trash. Then, you came along and treated us so wonderful and loved them like your very own. I still remember that kind, handsome, generous, hard working man who made us feel special.
Chump! I’ll just use you and discard you like a piece of trash.
Projection. It works for me.
I tried so very hard to love you, but the feelings just weren’t there.
Because I don’t have feelings. Just this withered husk where my soul used to be.
I really, really tried.
I made frowny faces and smiley faces. I practiced in the mirror for days! But these, how do you humans say? Feelings, they were impossible.
You were an excellent husband and father, and I should have just been honest. That is actually the reason why I never gave you children of your own.
Because you’re so excellent at being a parent, you would upstage me. Can’t have that.
I am truly, truly sorry. Sometimes I cry because our house isn’t a home any more. I wanted us to grow old together in this house and it will never happen. You worked so hard to provide us a nice place to live. Sometimes I think that I just don’t deserve it anymore.
I cry to think I don’t deserve things.
And then I remember — oh yes I do! And I sober right back up.
I appreciate everything you provided for us.
You suck. However, the material things you provided are appreciated. #ilovethings #shinytoys #andjesus
They would not be successful women if it weren’t for you. I appreciate you allowing me to be a stay at home mom. What you don’t understand is how hard it was. I got bored while you were working. That is the only reason why I started going wayward,
I never would’ve cheated on you, had you not been so generous in allowing me to stay home and be bored. You don’t understand how hard boredom is.
I credit you with the girls successfulness. Me? I was out fucking strange. Hey, someone has to do the hard work of staving off monotony.
and when you came home after work, I felt so dirty and horrible for the things I had done. I had men flirting with me everywhere I went and I was just weak. You have no idea the pressure of being a woman. Men don’t care that you are wearing a wedding ring.
I am fabulous and irresistible to men. You have no idea what it’s like to be fabulous and irresistible.
The men just find me! Home, with glue stick and posterboard making science projects, or stirring a pot of spaghetti-os, they flirt with me everywhere! There’s one under the sofa cushions now. Sssh! He might hear you. No Roderick, not tonight! I have choir practice.
K receives her (degree) on the 15th at Texas Tech and I really think you need to be there. You are still their Daddy and are the only father they have ever known. They are mad at you right now, but you still need to be in their lives.
Let me cudgel you with guilt. KIBBLES. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!
I know that you have tried calling them and have sent them cards, but you need to try harder.
I can be a fuck-around stay-at-home mother on your dime, but you need to try harder.
(Excuse me the UBT is malfunctioning. Steam is pouring out of its safety valves. It’s making very rude suggestions about where SuperDuperChump’s ex can stick her gift cards.)
I am sorry that I told them you abused me, but I was just mad when you filed for divorce. You put a huge Scarlet Letter on my chest for everyone to see. I promise I will tell them the truth. They need you. Girls need their Daddy. They love you so dearly and miss you.
It’s okay to falsely accuse you of a crime, because… reasons. My impression management is very important to me and I look bad in Letters.
Girls need a Daddy for everyone to see. I promise I will fuck their heads with lies.
Please come to Lubbock. Please sit with me and Jessica.
Please come to this tornado afflicted backwater and sit with me.
Your Mom has still been a wonderful grandmother through all of this and I understand that she can’t travel because of her health. Even she thinks you need to be there.
If triangulating you with the children doesn’t work, how about your mom?
I know what she thinks. I’m in her head. And your head. And Roderick’s head. What’s that Roderick? I’m beautiful and you must have me right this instant?
My imaginary sofa cushion boyfriend has spoken. #irresistible #omnipotent2
Even though you moved away and started a new life like a coward, I still know what’s going on in your life. Do not bring her with you. She has no business being there. I remember a tough man who used to face challenges head on. Not this time. You ran away in shame. Yes, in cowardly fashion.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?! UNLOVABLE YOU?! SHE HAS NO BUSINESS BEING HERE.
DO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER GODS BEFORE ME!
I am sorry you are a coward who runs away from me. I am sorry you have a new life that does not include me. I’m sorry I must destroy you. #facechallengesheadon
Please call my parents. They really miss you. You hurt my Dad when you didn’t call on his birthday. I could see the pain and emotion in his eyes.
CALL ME OR THE PENSIONER DIES.
Again, I am truly sorry for everything. No one is perfect. Not even you.”
We are all flawed. Who are you to measure me against perfection? I said I was sorry.