Maybe I’m jaded by reading millions of batshit crazy infidelity stories over six years, or feeding Jesus cheaters through the Universal Bullshit Translator, or living in Washington, D.C. under the Reign of the Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief…. but Australia, really? Is this the best you’ve got on douchebags? Barnaby Joyce? A two-bit “family values” hypocrite who left his faithful wife and four daughters for his pregnant (much younger) staffer?
Okay, Barnaby’s dick has jeopardized a delicate political coalition between Liberals and the National Party. And that’s sad… but were there pay-offs to porn stars? With names like Misty Chinquoteague or Tempestuous Smith? How about Playboy centerfolds? Did the contents of his laptop endanger an entire global superpower? Did Barnaby tweet pictures of his throbbing boners to children? Has he been banned from area shopping malls? Or nearly elected Alabama Senator?
Australia, Australia, you really need to up your game if you want to run with the big dogs. If scandal were steak, you all’d be eating Vegemite tea sandwiches. Crustless. On fine china.
The way you guys were sending me links every day to this story, I thought OMG, what’s happened in Oz? Has the Liberal Party descended into orgies and bondage sessions? Only to find some milk toast dweeb has fucked his staffer. And won’t resign. (The Entitled never resign.)
But he’s a HYPOCRITE, Tracy! He’s against marriage equality and preaches the sanctity of marriage! And he knocked up his mistress and moved in with her!
(Pat, pat, pat. That’s me patting your head.)
Let me just spike Strom Thurmond over the net. 48 years as senator from South Carolina. Ran as a segregationist. Opposed civil rights. Lovely person. Fucked his family’s African-American 16-year-old maid when he was 22 and concealed his resulting daughter for generations! Paid for her college to shut her up. She’s now (after Thurmond died, aged 100) acknowledged as kin.
Oh Australia, you may be a former penal colony, but you’re just too decent and fair-minded to compete with us Yanks. I know you think Barnaby Joyce is upsetting, and yes, he does have a face that looks like it was constructed out of gummy erasers. And he wears silly hats. But on any given day at Chump Lady, we’ve got better cheater copy — guys who’ve abandoned their pregnant wives for strippers, a cheating wife who “loans” her fuckbuddy $200K… a dancing Yeti (don’t ask).
Sorry Oz, you’re amateurs.
Get back to me when New Zealand has hacked your election and installed a rabid wombat as president. You’re all going to have to try MUCH harder. Go big, or get out.