Dear Chump Lady,
I need some advice on what to do with cheater’s stuff.
My partner of 16 years left me and our 9-year-old for the Other Woman (aka new love of life/soulmate) 5 weeks ago after second D-Day and moved straight from our family home into the new love nest.
He has known Schmoopie — apparently I do not need to know her actual name — for roughly 6 months and having an affair for few months, the exact timeline is foggy to him, but he couldn’t help his feelings and knows how much he loves her and that it is “more than just an affair.” Whatever that is suppose to mean!
The first D-Day came after I became suspicious by his gaslighting. (He had me ready to visit docs and declare myself with a mental breakdown) and I found a text on his phone. After his rage calmed down he managed to convince me she was just a friend, was the biggest mistake of his life, blah blah blah.
Then I spent the next month doing the pick me dance until finally the second D-Day came and his switch flipped. He was now a complete stranger to me, cold, hostile and aggressive, blamed me for everything and basically tore me and our relationship to shreds while I begged, pleaded and sobbed for forgiveness and a chance to make things right.
Finally came the “I don’t love you, I love her,” rewritten history, and he left with only the clothes on his back.
So my question is — how long can I reasonably be expected to keep all his shit? He has refused to come and collect it and since I am not entitled to know where he is living, I cannot drop it at their door.
My house is like a shrine to him and it’s just not good for me or our child, who keeps suggesting he might come back since he has refused to tell her the reason he has left. Could he be leaving it here to keep his options open? Or is it just the narcissist way to leave with nothing and my pathetic hopium is he will come to his senses? I am now going gray rock since full no contact is impossible with a child. I’m really struggling, please give me some advice on what my next move should be.
Thanks,
Newly Chumped
Dear Newly Chumped,
Your next move is to a lawyer to get temporary support orders. You may have a common law marriage (partner?) but you have a child together, and he doesn’t get to waltz out of his daughter’s life without consequences. Consequences feels like the wrong word — because supporting your child is not a dreaded punishment. But unfortunately, he’s probably going to perceive it that way. Either by hiring a lawyer, who can get in front of a judge ASAP, or by going to your local child support enforcement bureau, who can open a case for you — you need to FORMALIZE his abandonment.
Start moving forward into the new reality of life without him. The way he’s living now is cake-eating. You maintain the Shrine, (clean up the mess, raise the kid on air and leprechaun wishes…) and he keeps All Options Open. It’s Good To Be King!
Okay, sure, he might’ve promised to do right by his kid… and maybe he slipped you some money for the last 5 weeks, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t stake my child’s future on the promises of fuckwits.
You know who can get his forwarding address? The law. You’ve asked nicely, now unleash the lawyers.
Because Newly, he’s terrorizing you. It’s time to fight back, end the cake-eating, and protect your child.
What? That’s over the top, Tracy. People can leave relationships! Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants! Just because he loves the Other Woman doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child!
Abandonment, and maintaining the uncertainty — no name, no forwarding address — not only insulates him from consequences (nowhere to leave the summons) — it deliberately and cruelly leaves you and your child off-balance. Insecure and him powerful. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Vulnerable to Needing Him For Something.
Shut. That. Shit. Down.
Starting today you don’t need him for anything. You go to the courts and you demand that to which you are ENTITLED — financial support for your child. And any ways in which you are tied to him by real estate, or property — you begin severing those ties.
He wants his new love? Then he adults. He pays. He forwards his mail. He cleans up his shit. He won’t do it? You MAKE him do it, or you do it for him. In ways he probably won’t enjoy.
Dear Fuckwit, I’ve moved all your personal belongings to a storage locker, and paid the first month in your name. (Insert storage contact info.)
Dear Fuckwit, You have left your things here unattended and made your intentions clear, you aren’t returning. I am not free storage. I have moved your personal belongings to the garage and you have until Thursday to remove them. After which, they are mine to dispose of.
Dear Fuckwit, Please notice the garage sale announcement in Craigslist for this Sat. morning.
Dear Fuckwit, I hear the Container Store is having a sale…
These are boundaries. Enforce them. You give him warning, which is reasonable accommodation (i.e., “Until Thursday”), and then you ACT. You don’t dance for consensus, because he didn’t ask if leaving all his shit with you was okay, did he?
My house is like a shrine to him and it’s just not good for me or our child, who keeps suggesting he might come back since he has refused to tell her the reason he has left.
Don’t leave it to him. You tell her. Dad left for his new girlfriend. Tell her it has NOTHING to do with her. She’s lovable, this isn’t her fault (kids often feel that it is). Don’t try to explain what you don’t understand yourself — just tell her what you DO know. I love you. I will never let you down. We’ll be okay. Model strength and resiliency. I know that’s really hard when you’re not feeling strong yourself, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for her now, is fight for her welfare and be strong.
Could he be leaving it here to keep his options open?
His motivations don’t matter. YOU matter. Your daughter matters.
You are not an “option.”
Start acting like it.
(((Hugs)))
Couldn’t agree more. Lawyering up is your FIRST priority.
If it were me, I’d be putting shit-for-brain’s stuff in the garage in Hefty bags. Then I’d let the POS know he’s got exactly 30 days to come and get it before I dispose it all at my discretion.
When weasel boy comes sniffing around again (like so many of them DO after leaving for their happily ever after) I can only HOPE “Newly Chumped” isn’t foolish enough for fall for it.
I put all of my exes stuff in boxes and put them on the open driveway the day I called him at work about an odd phone number on our bill and he screamed at me that he wanted a divorce. You don’t want to be part of our family? OK, you don’t get to live with our family. GTFO. He didn’t believe I’d do it, he came to the door with tears in his eyes asking if we could “do this another way?”, uh NO asshole, this way was YOUR fucking choice when you up and decided our marriage was over without so much as a discussion with me. Deal with it. And that was it. We never spent another day in the same home again.
Your strength is mighty! I wish I could have let the anger drive my decision instead of sadness and love. To be honest with myself, I was a bit afraid of the Dickhead and his anger. While he never hurt physcially, his anger was loud and domineering. He never left. I ended up leaving first.
Same thing happened to me. I caught on that something was up and he had a gf. Dumbass thought he could have his gf and keep living with me and the kids. Ya no, GTFO!!!! Cant have your cake and eat it too loser. Great things to teach your kids, great morals and values and total disrespect of them and their Mom. Disgusting!
Garbage bags are a good idea. But I didn’t use actual Hefty bags for my ex: I got the cheap kind and stuffed them *really* full. 🙂
(Though I did just pile up all his stuff in the garbage bags in his office to get it out of sight, mostly. It took him six months to get his stuff, due to his travel and other priorities. Sigh.)
Damn, why didn’t I think of that?
When mine moved out I “helped” by pouring some black bean soup in among his clothes which were in a bag. Cat litter chunks were later added just before I delivered it.
Even after our divorce, he still will not move in with her. (He is living in our old house) I still have the key. One day, while he was out, I discovered a large pump bottle of personal lubricant in his bedroom. It now has Lanacaine (a numbing cream) added to it!
Should have used Ben-Gay…
That. Is. Awesome!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha
Chilli powder? Deep Heat?
I LOVE this!
A shrimp sewn into the bottom of a curtain starts to smell really nice and they can never locate the source usually…
Love it!
Stuff the shells inside the curtain rods !
Lmfao. Wish I’d thought of that.
30 days is generous. Beyond reasonable. Anyone who complains that 30 days wasn’t enough should appear quite unreasonable when it counts.
I see there is some excellent court advice below, too.
ONE CAVEAT HERE….and I speak from experience…
Thirty years ago I put what he had left behind at the end of the driveway, in boxes, backed up by my amazing landlady. I called him and told him to come for it if he wanted it; the garbage truck was coming in the morning.
He came over and beat the crap out of me…I sustained a broken foot. He also pulled a chunk of hair out.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.
PS…prior to this incident, there was ZERO physical domestic violence between us. And back in those days, police in Califonia asked if you wanted to press charges. Now they automatically arrest without asking the victim.
That law was changed because of Nicole
Brown Simpson.
Wow. That’s super-messed up. I’m so sorry, what an asshole
I’m so sorry that that happened to you.
yes, never underestimate the ability of a cheater to go full rage crazy. They had constructed an elaborate world where they had all the power. Some can’t handle it when they’ve been found out.
Never underestimate the ability of not-quick-to-anger chump to go crazy with rage when evidence of cheating is staring you in the face. I would have pulverized a punching bag.
At 5’ 5” and barefoot in a bathrobe, I was no match for a 6’ 4” man with boots on no matter how upset I was. I am lucky to be alive…..please be safe Miss Bailey.
I’m 4’11” and Dickhead is 6’3″. Believe me, I knew the limits of his anger. I was safe and now we are done, over, capu to hopefully never see him again.
I second this! I kept everything of value and put his personal crap in black garbage bags. Then I looked around the house and realized it didn’t look very different…guess he never really mattered ????????♀️
“…guess he never really mattered” And that he was never really “there”!
I put everything in trash bags and heaps in his office, where it then sat for months due to his all-important job and travel. The all-important University Dean and Dickbag Cheater eventually loaded up a moving truck with trash bags like a college student moving out of a flop house. The other day he came in and asked to look in the closet for his winter coat; I quite confidently told him that it was in a trash bag at his new digs, because there is not one item left in MY house that is his.
Oh darn, she cant just put his stuff outside under a sprinkler?
And THEN put it in the garage? Damp + dark = mould. Or is that too far?!
Pre wash cycle, why not!
????
Pee in the bags and then seal them up tight.
X did not ask for a lot of his stuff in the property settlement, including many valuable things. As soon as it was signed, I packed what was worthless to me and gave it to goodvwill. The valuable stuff? Directly listed on ebay and money began to roll in. Clap clap clap.
Shortly after the divorce was final and he immediately remarried, my attorney received a letter demanding all those things he left behind, due to “a change in circumstances”. It was demanding and nasty.
Humming a happy little tune, she wrote back:
“That ship has sailed”.
Mighty!!!! And a favorite “dump a loser” story.
It’s funny how there’s a time lag in my case three months – between cheater leaving and saying he doesn’t want any of the stuff he has left behind, and cheater coming back and being deeply upset that said things have disappeared.
Mine asked for ridiculous things like tomato canning jars and his precious tools, but never mentioned any mementos like photographs or home videos. TWO years later he asks me if I would be so kind as to make him some copies of baby pictures of our son. Uh, those photos wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for me taking them, printing them and putting them in albums. Sorry, they are in storage in my mom’s basement since you forced me out of my home into a shitty apartment when we had to sell our house due to your selfish bullshit. I won’t have access to them so you’ll just have to live with the mental pictures in your mind.
Oh yes the delayed reaction of perceived “rights ” to all that stuff they walked away from . My cheating fuckwit walked away from an engineered upside down mortgage/ refinance but then cried that he wanted ‘a few sentimental items’ – which as others pointed out did not include pictures of his children! ! What he did want was to cherry pick all the matching and expensive furniture and to top it off a silver plate MY family initials were stamped on!! In his haste to leave he must have arrogantly thought everything of value was due to him ( i suppose 25 years blunts your memory) so long wanker…say adios
Mine went from wanting nothing, to wanting the expensive stuff (the furniture) but nothing else, to texting me post divorce finalization for various things- beach chairs, Halloween decorations, etc… The thing is I had to haul ALL this stuff when the house sold quick and I had to move everything quick (she had long since gotten an apartment) by myself because……sniff…sniff…”It’s just too emotional”….sniff… sniff…… I exhausted myself to no end prepping the house for sale and then hauling stuff like crazy and now she sees me as some sort of storage shed. I’ve been selling stuff off so I can say nope don’t have that anymore.
Our BBQ was pretty grungy so I set about cleaning it, doing a little every evening when I came home from work. I was tired so I did spend about a week cleaning it slowly. At the end of the week the Twat asked if he could take it to his gf’s house. He sat and watched me clean it for a week and THEN decided he would like it! I told him to fuck off!
Oh that sounds familiar. After 24 years she bailed out. Then she would tell our daughter which shirt she needed from the closet which was still chock full of her clothes. After hearing that a couple times I got some black plastic contractor bags and stuffed them full of her shit and told her she has one week to get them out of the garage or they’ll be donated. Later she came back to retrieve her beloved lounge chair from the deck and her stupid cobalt blue glass bullshit she had all over the kitchen and dining room but didn’t even sniff at the years of photos and videos of the kids growing up. Almost 5 years later never requested any of those. I still find it appalling you can abandon all those memories, videos of kids sports, dance recitals, holidays…like they never happened.
I love your attorney. Kick-ass and a nice turn of phrase 🙂
Slightly different advice here:
1) Get a lawyer
2) Talk to your daughter/get her a therapist
3) Go through every bit of the paperwork and make copies of anything you might need before you do one thing about “getting rid of the stuff”
4) Discuss the stuff with your lawyer. You may be dismayed to find the hoops you have to go through before you can dispose of it. Remember that you need to look GOOD to the JUDGE. Avoid anything snarky. The lawyers can write a very professional letter about his options regarding the stuff. You may be forced to hang onto it for a long time (though you could move it to guest room etc).
5) Meanwhile, tempting as it is to throw it all out, make sure that there are not items that you need to run your life, home, etc smoothly. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. You need some tools, yard equipment, etc.
Work on yourself and your fear, and then act calmly and strategically in your best interest and that of your child. And never ever send an email or text you don’t want to see in court (and do send those that look great in court when something needs to be discussed).
It’s horrible but you can do this and YAY!!! he’s gone. Doesn’t feel that way now, but trust me that is the true gift in all of this.
I agree with looking good in front of a judge. And making reasonable accommodations.
I also know from personal experience, that this leave all the crap situation can go on indefinitely if you don’t draw boundaries. In my case a 24″ cubit dumpster.
Here’s another thing my lawyer pointed out to me eons ago. Does he have some way of verifying what he left? Receipts? Pictures? An itemized list?
It’s one thing to say “Don’t throw out my gold-plated duck trophy!” It’s another thing to prove you had a gold-plated duck trophy.
So if something happens to the gold-plated duck trophy? The onus is on him to prove he had one and he left it.
In my experience fuckwits aren’t that great at accounting.
Again, this isn’t legal advice and do go see a lawyer. Just passing on what mine said to me many years ago.
…”The onus is on him to prove he had one and he left it.”
Well, STBXDick had a work-around for that! He demanded that I “make a photographic inventory of everything left and he would decide what he wanted”…. Umm, No, Hell no.
I loaded everything I could into his stupid new car he left in the driveway for weeks on end. The remaining stuff in the garage in boxes/bags which he was given a 2 hour window to remove. Everything else went garage sale/junk removers. You’ll need some coffee, some attitude, and a big can of “Stuff-Be-Gone” 😉
A photographic inventory of his crap ?! Archivists, professional organizers and businesses that resell things (think the RealReal and Ebay) pay people for this time consuming grunt work.
After 5 (post DD and my kicking him out) visits to pick up his stuff, it took 17 months and $$$ in legal fees to get his remaining stuff out of my home (the equivalent volume of two-car garage so I couldn’t use that space for year and a half).
I wish I could have put his stuff out in driveway and given him a week to pick it up. Unfortunately, I had multiple cancer surgeries and was unable to lift more than 10 lbs. and too weak to direct family and friends during 13 months of highly contentious and costly divorce. Also state law on property disposal…
He submitted a list for final PSA. High school memorabilia (letter jacket) listed, because you know he’s gone back in time to re-live his youth.
Never asked for any photos or memories of our adult son. Just narc worthy, stuff…me, me, me.
Then, he couldn’t be bound by signed legal documents so it took multiple letters from my attorney and another 5 months for him to send over a third party, licensed and bonded moving company. He was not allowed on premises due to threatening me in his narcissistic rages. How dare I have cancer and not take care of this man child with cake eating needs.
After all items were verified by said moving company, 5 months after removal, through his attorney, he came up with items (not listed in PSA) that were missing and “stolen” from him. You know, important items like an ax and old metal ladder. Continued abuse…
He and massage parlor whore AP were living in a rental apartment above massage parlor. Not a lot of use for said “stolen items”neither which were listed in PSA.
He arbitrarily deducted $1,700. for items to replace them from my support. Litigation…???? more money. They are disordered, hate consequences for their actions, or lack thereof and then want to blame you.
Disengagement from fuckwits; ugh. I’m so glad to be rid of him, his stuff and his toxicity. 34 years of his abuse bye bye ????.
And in the meantime, while you wait through whatever period of time a lawyer suggests, there is nothing illegal about boxing or bagging the “shrine” up and storing it as far out of sight as your housing situation allows. This is something you should do for your child’s sake. The law may prevent you from tossing out his bowling trophies and underwear and xbox game collection, but it does not prevent you from preparing for its removal.
And if in the wee hours of the night you decide to go through his clothes and snip a few threads from the set attaching every pants and shirt button, we won’t tell.
Great advice Chumpella. Keep it legal and dignified. I changed the locks then boxed all his things and put the boxes on the covered side verandah. Via text I made a time convenient to both of us then I stayed inside with a friend while he took his stuff. Be the better person. Don’t do anything you would not like done to you. Revenge peeing etc is not nice.
And they will tell everybody you’re “a crazy bitch” or “the raging abusive asshole”.
Always be classy,never crazy. Do that in private, write hate filled letters that you never send,etc.
I got news for you: They tell everyone you are a crazy vengeful bitch, no matter how classy you actually behave–so I have no problem with someone actually “earning” a teeny bit of the label they will be given anyway…
Good point !
Yeah. I earned the title the crazy bitch and not sad about it. My ex cane back after divorce and wanted stuff. My lawyer pointed out in divorce settlement statement that everything in our possession was ours. Hence I gave him a few things our sons wanted him to have. Everything else gone
My ex husband of 40 years made a list of what he wanted. I piled the things up and made sure the dog peed A LOT on them before I boxed them. I included an old sweater and had the cats pee on it.
I sold or auctioned or gave away everything else from sparkledick and his family.
Sparkledick did not ask for a single photograph of his family (my MIL had made me the curator of family photos from sparkle’s side) or his children. Now I have a trash bag of photos from sparkles family.
Give them to a different family member maybe? I’ll try to do that i think, I have the same problem
I couriered 18 boxes of his crap (which make have became accidentally damaged on transit! Ahem!) to his slut parents house. I managed to track him down. Living g in a caravan in her parents back garden! His stuff is now in their chicken shed. Me, adulting and dealing with his crap yet again….
Dayum. Sounds like a great living situation. What an idiot!!
I promise it’s going to feel so good to get rid of the stuff. It’s so liberating. Also regards getting into trouble about it, yes speak to the lawyer but remember it’s going to be very difficult for him to prove what he left at yours.
I’d also sell some non personal things of value, but hey, that’s my shady “don’t give a fuck anymore side” just make sure it’s not online because you’ll be leaving evidence of it 🙂
I agree! While there was some heartache in finding the maps that he used to plan his rendezvous in Howaii with OW, there was also the part about my modest little house clearing out and becoming lovelier with every box of his stuff I removed from my living space. My little home seemed to literally grow in size as I decluttered! He used to stomp around the house, bellowing, “WE COULD GET RID OF HALF THIS CRAP AND NOT EVEN NOTICE!!” He never meant his crap–only mine, or the kids’ crap. So I got rid of his crap, and it made the most beautiful impression. I moved furniture around and threw other things away that he didn’t want. I kept a weight set that was his, and added to it, and I use those weights to keep myself fit.
Like others here are reporting, he did not want photographs of his past life. Obviously, his mother made him put in the agreement that he wanted half of them (that statement was added after she had reviewed my “list of demands” that he’d approved prior to her review. And, as further evidence that this was her idea, not his, he has not once asked for these. I had my attorney put into the divorce decree that he was entitled to borrow the photographs to have them scanned, and that I would contribute $100 for this effort. *crickets* Just as well. I use them more than he does.
In the throes and thrusts of his affair, he decided to “remodel” the kitchen in the way that a cheapskate would–he tore all the doors off the 50’s builder grade cabinets, then applied paint remover. I suppose this was all in between fuck sessions in our family vehicle. Well, when I had the house appraised near the bottom of the market (and the lowest interest rates ever), the shape of the kitchen didn’t help his cause. So I bought him out, and my clutter-free home is mine now. I remodeled properly (inexpensively, too, and did a lot of the work myself, BEFORE I started dating.) As I’ve written here before, there are no ghosts here. This home feels like it’s MINE and the now-grown KIDS’. I don’t see him anywhere, except to feel so grateful that he and the smell of him is gone.
I used to LOVE his man things here–treasures from his childhood, my husband’s clothes, his dresser, the tools. When he hurt me the way he did, I no longer had any affection for his stain.
I’m much happier now.
Well done. And especially for the timing of the house prices 🙂
My ex walked out of the marital house with a suitcase. He legally had 6 weeks to move his belongings. He did not. I took two days off work and placed his belongings in a pile in the middle of each room. A arbitrator came the day my ex finally moved out and oversaw the packing of the piles done by a moving company. I had to follow the law and do it right. It was very drawn out and stressful. Please consult with a lawyer. That being said, pack as much stuff as you can and move it to another room or the garage. It wasn’t in me to be cruel. I was honest although I allowed some mix ins of completely useless stuff. As the moving truck pulled away, I had a new bed and mattress delivered. Good luck.
The Twat upped-sticks and left France with 5 days notice. Called me on Sunday and left on the following Friday to move back to the States without emptying in any way, shape or form the 3-bedroomed farmhouse he was renting. Forgot to get rid of the dog too. So I ended up going up there every weekend and pitching what I could and the rest was transported back to my rather large basement. My youngest was moving in with his girlfriend so both my boys helped themselves to what they wanted but the rest is still in my basement (3 years later). Buuuuut I retire at Christmas so will have time to sort that shit out. Including my commute I am gone a minimum of 12 hours a day working so I haven’t had the energy to get rid of his stuff before. That will all change come January. I hope to be able to donate most of it, sell a few bits and pitch the rest (in particular his year books). When I asked him at son no. 1s wedding last year if he wanted anything I got a very loud, resounding “no” so in the trash it goes. While I don’t like throwing stuff that has sentimental value I am also not a storage unit. Anyone want to join me for a bonfire in January?
I’m in CH! Can I bring wieners and marshmallows?!
I live in France but work in Geneva so bring ’em on!
Chances are the new relationship will not work out, they rarely do and that is when he will try to weasel his way back. He’ll rewrite the “leaving story” and somehow you will be at fault for not loving him enough, paying enough attention to him, not being supportive blah blah blah. He’ll say he thought you were not invested in “us” that made him angry and lead him to OW. See, it’s not really his fault. Had you been more open this never would have happened. Horseshit, all horseshit. You take him back he’ll do it again. He is not invested in his kid, it’s all show. Right now he can’t stand you because you are of no use to him. This is who he is, he will never change. Number one, get an attorney for Child Support. Bag up all his stuff and get it out of site until you are given the ok to dispose. If you are renting you should think about relocating after the lease is up. If you co-own, sell and split the proceeds. If you own the home, change the locks. You need your own place where he does not feel comfortable showing up any time he feels like it. Do not engage with him, ever. It’s not healthy for you and it will frustrate the hell out of him which is a bonus. Stipulate he only communicate via text or e-mail for child arrangements. This way you also have record of him bailing on his kid time which you can pretty much count on. Sorry you are going through this but you are lucky enough to have choices. You can move forward with your life and I promise it will be so much better or you can continue to deal with this narc job and be miserable. Up to you.
I sold anything that had value. Gave him half the money. I know I’m so generous. The look on his face when he found out what I sold of “his” was so worth it. For the souvenirs he got from his “world travels” (shitface lied he got them from eBay or as gifts) – I got a few people from my close circle together and had a bonfire party. Man those were fun days. Hahahhaha. Some would call me physcotic. But i know in this group you understand ????
For newly chumped I can’t imagine how it is with kids but you can’t be around his stuff. No contact means out of sight out of mind. Whatever you can get rid of or put away please do it. For your sanity.
As enjoyable as it is to contemplate dumping all of jerkwad’s stuff out on the lawn or pitching it into a bonfire or whatever, it’s not a good idea. The simple fact is, jerkwad hasn’t actually broken any laws, but if she disposes of his stuff too soon or the wrong way, she might break one herself, which would put her at a huge disadvantage going forward. She definitely needs a lawyer, but in the meantime she should look up the abandoned property laws for where she lives and get an idea of her timeframe and options. Here is a place to start: https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/state-laws-handling-abandoned-property.html
It’s a real pisser to have to pay to store or move someone’s crap after they have done you wrong, but it’s the law, and it’s the high road as well, which we need to stick to as best we can while we wait for the karma bus to run the jerk over.
It took my ex forever to get his stuff out. Every time he came to get the kids, there was a pile for him by the front door and eventually the rest went to the curb. It hurt my heart how little he cared for ANYTHING of our past life, photos, mementos, anything. Like it never happened. I felt that pain in Newly’s letter. How can he not care about any of it. But in the end, it’s that level of crassness that actually helped me move on.
Man, I feel this one too and was just thinking about it this morning. She not only never asked for any family photos or videos (19 years worth), but when I voluntarily gave her a hard drive with what digital copies I had, 6 months after the divorce was final, she couldn’t bother to find or buy a drive to copy it to for weeks and weeks. She finally gave me back the drive that I needed for work without taking any copies for herself. I just can’t fathom that. We’re talking videos of births, first words and walking, pictures of Halloween costumes, Christmas mornings, vacations galore, etc. Thousands of pics and videos. It seems extra odd to me, for some reason, for a mom to abandon these memories, but I’m assuming that it is necessary for her revisionist history that she has peddled to the affair marriage and his family, and also for the narrative that her family was broken for a long time justifying the 18ish month affair to a married man with young kids. The pictures of us on dates, at our anniversary dinner, the seemingly awesome Valentine’s day we had together, and in Hawaii on a rare kidless romantic vacation -all during the affair- make the story she tells a little confusing, I guess…
Man I just posted the same scenario above. She left after 24 years and not once requested any of those same videos/photos. It’s who they are. They can rewrite their history and believe it in their minds. She told me after she left for her AP “it never felt right”..24 years! What the fuck ever. I don’t even like to attempt to wrap my head around such bullshit. If it NEVER felt right in 24 years then that’s her damn problem not mine. 5 years later the kids know who the sane parent is and it isn’t her.
For my entire married life we had my MIL’s ugly af 1960’s era faux french dining room set which we carted from house to house. I hated it but buying a new set was always low on the priority list (way below stripper cash as it turned out) and it never happened. When I finally decided the marriage was beyond saving and filed for divorce I asked the Edgar Suit what he wanted to do with the dining room furniture. He said his mom wanted to keep it (So my kids could have it one day. Hahahaha. They took a hard pass on that one.) and wanted it moved to climate controlled storage and would I arrange that? Um nope. Not wifing or DILing for you folks anymore. I told them they had two months to figure it out. They didn’t because “figuring it out” had always been my job. So some nice men from Salvation Army came and took it away along with the marital bed and any other furniture that reminded me of ex or ex-MIL. Literally one of the happiest days of my life when that shit left my house. It was a physical symbol for all the emotional baggage I was getting rid of by getting the ex and his mother out of my life.
Newly, listen to what Chump Lady and all the wise Chumps have to say. Lawyer up, protect your child, and get rid of all his shit. It wasn’t important to him so it shouldn’t be important to you. Take my word for it, getting his stuff out of your space will help free you mentally from the prison this relationship has become. Best of luck and welcome to the Nation!
1960s faux French dining room set!! Sounds divine ????
The chairs had orange upholstery when I got them. I did at least change that. They were still ugly. 😀 😀
Or Divine would have loved filming Pink Flamingos on it… ????
Hahahaha
I actually got a little ecstatic tingle when I pictured the SA men hauling that horror out of your home. What a difference to have an eyesore GONE! Awesome!
I also recommend investigating in great detail all of the possible evidence of financial dealings that you might be partially liable for or that you can use to defend yourself. The unknown credit cards, the marital funds used for secret rendezvous’s, the gifts that were bought for her out of the “milk money” account can all be useful in the coming months.
I found the secret credit cards pretty quickly to force her to take responsibility for on the quickly obtained divorce settlement, but the remaining tax bill she lied to me about, the thousands spent on gifts and rendezvous’s that the affair partner’s wife eventually sent me evidence of, and the GoFundMe account in the name of a fabricated friend (to benefit a woman with two small children who escaped an abusive husband with nothing but the clothes on her back, but doesn’t actually exist… Who does that?!?) All came too late for me to reasonably hold her accountable for. I’m betting that there is evidence hiding in his pile of garbage. They get sloppy at covering their tracks over time as their overconfidence grows.
This makes me rethink my plan. As soon as dollars are sufficient I wanted to sneak away without a confrontation. She tried to hit me once and likes to emphasize her points by pointing cooking knives at me. I can’t prove she would be violent but….I have a hunch. I want to go No Contact. I don’t want cheater to know where I live because of the expected smear campaign. If she paints a bad enough picture of me then potentially her badass family would want to track me down and get violent. But if the law can provide her with my new address then maybe I need to stay in the cage and keep eating the shit-sandwich. At least I’m alive in the cage, not happy, but alive. BTW, I can’t prove that her family is a threat.
Go get a protection from abuse order. The advice here is definitely NOT to stay with someone abusing you.
There are reasonable issues for not leaving a forwarding address. Running off with a mistress is not one of them, IMO. But abuse is.
Get professional help with this.
When I took classes at a local abuse shelter, there were several women who left extremely violent lives. Legally their addresses were unknown and their mail was put under another name at a PO box.
No no no no do not stay in that situation. Get a protective order and fucking flee.
RIAC – start a paper trail. Every little thing that happens that is threatening, make a police report. The exhole started stalking me last month (sitting on my street corner watching our house, pulling out behind me and following me through the neighborhood, sending messages to a friend and the kids that the police were out looking for us). I filed and received an ex parte protective order, but it was dismissed at the full hearing because it was just ONE incident of stalking. Under the law there needs to be a pattern that causes you mental distress and fear for your safety. At least where I live. It’s a total joke . . . this is how people get killed. Haven’t seen him since that incident, but the official dismissal entry from the court hasn’t come out so he’s leaving me alone. Once the order comes out I’m sure the antics will start all over again. However, the judge made it abundantly clear that if one more incident occurs, that will then be a pattern and I can get the full protective order. Nothing like living your life constantly looking over your shoulder. Be safe and good luck!!
RatInACage, definitely apply for a domestic violence protection order. Talk to your domestic violence advocates in your area. I don’t know what state you are in but my state has a program where victims of domestic violence can have ALL their mail forwarded to them etc. to protect them. Definitely worth checking into this.
See lawyer, and change the locks. Last thing you need is that idiot rummaging through the house when you’re not there.
And put in webcams in case the kids aren’t good at enforcing boundaries when the narc parent stops by and wants to come in to use the bathroom, poke around, you know the routine.
Some good advice someone left on this column posted at Facebook:
“Find the state statute for how long left property becomes abandoned property online.” In the commenter’s state, that time is 28 days.
As you’re 5 weeks in, you may already be in the clear dispose of it as you like. But do check the laws!
CN is the best.
If you’re still married, until someone files…isn’t it your property you do with as you wish?
I mean if they can do whatever they want with your money in a no fault state, why can’t you do whatever your want with items?
Same story with me. He left with nothing ( I’m sure Schmoopie got an earful of me throwing his stuff out/burning it or whatever). I put it all in one of the derelict vehicles he left behind) it sat there for a year until the settlement was reached. He had to haul all of it away. He never asked for even one photo of my kids, his family—nothing at all. That’s how little he cared. As I read your story I was hit with a wave of grief—36 years and he didn’t even care to have a photo of his kids. Still have work to get to meh…
That’s a very common occurrence, Newlady – they rabbit off leaving not only their former family but all the family mementos as well. I would say it was a guilt thing (not wanting a reminder of the wreckage they left behind) if they had a conscience to feel guilty with but they don’t. Mine left all the family photos and the little handmade things the kids made him in school over the years. I keep a small clock my son made for his dad on a shelf in my home office as a reminder of how little ex valued his children, their love for him or the family we created. No matter what narrative he tries to sell the world about how miserable he was with me and how he only stayed for the kids, I only have to look at that clock he left behind without a second thought to know the truth.
I took a hammer to the “world’s best dad” mug my daughter gave him which he also left behind. That was really cathartic. My daughter was upset that I did that but only because I didn’t leave any pieces for her to pulverize. 😀
Beth, that made me laugh so hard, I scared the dogs! Hug your beautiful daughter for me.
Thanks HB! She is amazing! When the divorce was final and I changed my last name back to my maiden name, she had her last name changed to my maiden name as well. Her dad did nothing to support her financially or emotionally while she was in college (DDay was 2 weeks before she started her freshman year) so she decided she didn’t want to keep his name. She wanted him to get no credit for any successes she has in life. It’s pretty hard to keep up the “good guy/great dad who just married a terrible woman” image when one of your two children changed their last name in order to distance themselves. 🙂
I forced my ex to take the photos of him with his family and our family. Any photo that had him in it, went in the box with the things he had actually stated he wanted. I did not want those photos around or any bad chuchu reminders of him. All of the little handmade Father’s Day gifts, along with some miscellaneous crap that I wanted to get rid of, into the cardboard box, taped shut with lots of tape so it would be difficult for him to open it and see what was inside, and set out with the rest of his clothes etc. in the garage.
Beth that is right out of my nightmare. In the day the bastard came back to hastily load a trailer before i could pick myself off the floor from his shock exit he ran around looking for his mug “worlds greatest dad” me and the kids were all standing around looking shell shocked that he could actually be dead serious….they are without irony
Oh wow… that is truly awful. He abandoned his family but wanted the mug. As terrible as that is, it’s also a great example of just how shallow these people are. Like they could literally believe that all it takes to be a great parent is having the mug, no need to actually do the hard work of being present and accountable every single day. Wow. I’m so sorry.
Listen to CL regarding getting that lawyer and filing for child support AND (let me add) full legal custody.
Here is what you can do to aid that legal, economic and medical process:
1. Document what he has given you, if anything, for support.
2. Document every time he sees Kiddo, how long he spends with her and where they are. (I hope to goodness you aren’t letting him see her at your home).
3. If the lease or mortgage is in your name alone, and he’s moved, make sure you document when he left in your letter or email about his stuff.
4. Make sure he has no access to your income or bank accounts or assets in your name. Protect yourself. Run a credit check to make sure he doesn’t have access to your credit.
5. Get an STD check.
6. Talk to the lawyer about child support. Get it deducted straight from his pay so you don’t have to chase him if he moves again. Put enforcement in the state’s hands.
7. This is not about whether you are “nice” or you upset the Cheater. It’s about requiring him to live up to his legal and moral obligation.
8. Who is paying for this child’s medical insurance and medical care? This is also part of child support processes.
Now, about the emotional side of your situation:
1. You ask if he is leaving his stuff there to keep HIS options open. Well, yes, but not because he loves you or his child. He likes his options open because he feels entitled to your attention, your love, and your storage space. If things don’t work out with Schmoopie, he has you as Plan B or Plan C or Plan P.
2. Do you want to be an OPTION? You have this man’s child. He abandoned you both in the cruelest way. You want to be Plan B? Here’s YOUR option: be your own Plan A. Put your needs and your own life first. You don’t “need” this man. You just think you do. Time to cut the ties, as CL says.
3. Tell your child. Tell your child the truth.
4. Set reasonable boundaries on visitation. He doesn’t get to come and go as he pleases. One evening a week, home by 8 pm on a school night, and either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. No overnights. No contact with Schmoopie. And no visitation unless you know where this fuckwit lives and where he takes her. That’s a perfectly reasonable boundary. You MUST know where your child is. And don’t let him swan over to your home and see Kiddo there. You aren’t going to get him back by doing that, and if you are allowing that to happen, it will confuse your daughter and keep you stuck smoking hopium.
5. You can go very low contact. Use email. Block him on text and phone unless Kiddo is with him. Wait 36-48 hours before responding to him.
6. Therapy and reading here will help you get past the hopium. This is a bad guy. No normal person fails to tell the mother of his child where he lives unless that mother is a felon or a terrorist, which is not the case.
Start tearing down the shrine ASAP. Bag it and box it. I did the storage locker solution. You will have to rent the locker in your name, so if he fails to pick up the stuff, there are repercussions for you. And while you are contacting him, get his departure date on the record. So here’s my solution:
Dear Cheating Fuckwit: You moved out of my home in ———-, 2018. However, you have failed to pick up your belongings. You can pick up your stuff on Sunday, Nov. — between 1 and 3 pm. Anything left here after that will be given to charity. If you don’t pick up your stuff, I will put it in a storage locker for 30 days so you can access it. I will send you the the storage bill for reimbursement and the key. Let me know if you plan to pick up your stuff by Wednesday the –th at 5 pm.
Newly Chumped
Finally, if he comes to get his stuff, have someone else there both to witness it and to help you stay gray rock (which is just detaching emotionally from a sociopath). And then get busy rebuilding your own life. You can do better than this. A squirrel would be better than this.
Don’t know the size of your house, but pick a room and gather all the stuff there (eg: a basement room). Take everything else that’s in the room out and put only his stuff there. That way, when he comes to pick his things up, you allow access to that room only. Anything else that he might want, such as furniture, will need to be negotiated with the division of assets amongst the lawyers.
Do not change the locks on your doors until you’ve consulted a lawyer. My lawyer advised me that the law allows him access to the his own house if his name is on the deed. So, I had to start with an email asking that he respect my privacy and no longer access the house without making an arrangement with me first. I took pictures of every room of the house to document all the possessions. And, I got all small valuables out of the house – documents, jewelery. Even took out the hard-drive of the computer with years of digital family photos to keep safe.
The access arrangement has it that he picks the kids up from school and they spend the night. They have certain stuffies they sleep with that he would need to pick up. Rather than allow him access to the house with his key, I installed a keypad garage door opener and the go-between bag gets put there. I also offered that he could access things in the garage for activities to do with the kids (bikes, scooters, sporting equipment) as long as he brought them back. Not once did he take a thing with him – no skating or skiing or toboganning or baseball or golf. But, then he complains to me that he doesn’t have much at his place for the kids to do and that’s why they end up watching more tv and playing video games.
In my case it’s worked out pretty good for the most part. He left everything behind. The kids and I are the ones eating dinner off of his grandmother’s china every Sunday. The antique secretaries, trunks and armoire from his ancestors decorate my house and store all kinds of stuff. I get to listen to the chimes of his grandparent’s old grandfather clock. The tools have been useful on many occasions. All of these things used to mean something to him. I guess in the end, Schmoopie was more important, however. It wasn’t just his life with me he was trying to escape. He was really trying to escape himself and his entire past. Anyway, I figure I won’t charge him to store his stuff if he doesn’t charge me for the use of it. I am pretty practical that way. I have told him that if he ever wants any of his furniture back, he needs to give me 30 days notice and he needs to take whatever is in it as well. That would give me a chance to get rid of some junk.
In my case I had to hold onto his things until the settlement agreement was signed. I had his things in a pile in my garage. He wanted extra things after the signing, I told him no. He brought the sheriff with him to pick up his stuff to try and intimidate me into giving him more. It worked out great as the sheriff noted he had taken everything in the agreement. Case closed. x was very pissed and had a huge fit because the sheriff wouldn’t let him take more. Made a huge ass out of himself. I also took pictures of everything I boxed up(proof it was there and in good condition) and a video of him taking it. That came in handy later when he tried to claim things were missing or ruined.
My attorney told me not to throw out anything of my ex’s without his written permission. She also said for me to hold onto (not return) anything of his that could be of value until the divorce was final. He left so much crap, and I just wanted to clean it out, and his stench out. I took the time to pack the more fragile things carefully and label boxes, and document these. His clothes were bagged in trash bags. I loaded up a trunk load every morning for about two months and dropped off at his mother’s house on my way to work. This was more trouble than I wanted to go through, but I knew that I would not be free of his crap unless I did it. I hated having to go through his mess, but I was able to find some valuable paperwork, etc that helped me out. I got his mess out of my house and covered my ass in the process…..He could not say that I threw out his precious what-nots. I returned everything of his to him….it was up to him to throw out the useless garbage. I just packed it up and removed it from my house a little at a time. The day the divorce was final, I loaded the last load into the bed of my truck, and the rest into my car. Took the truck load over first, unloaded, then the car right after (his mother lives about 1 mile from my house). I was done with him and his crap within 15 minutes of the first trip!
As tempting as it is to throw all of their crap out, cover your ass….if the divorce/separation is not final be careful what you throw out. I have had friends that have used storage units and given their STBX’s notice, or the garage. You cannot let your home become a shrine or their storage unit. As much as it sucks, sometimes removing their crap yourself is not only more efficient, it is cathartic! Clean them out of your space! These folks are lazy and aren’t going to do it themselves without prodding….and do you really want them in your home any longer than you have to have them?
Yes! Yes ! Yes !
Follow the law to the letter and make sure that you look reasonable and accommodating. I cannot stress enough how important it is in EVERY single interaction to come across as mature, reasonable, and acting in the best interest of the child. Stripping the house will actually be traumatic for your daughter, so some subtlety is required.
Your audience is THE JUDGE. The more reasonable you are (and can prove with patient letters from lawyers), the worse the narcissist will behave. He is counting on your overreaction. Deny him the pleasure.
Your eyes must be on the ultimate prize at all times: custody or majority custody of your daughter. Anything that risks that in any way, do not do. Anything that enhances the chances, do.
The storage unit idea was not viable in my state because if anything were to happen to it, I would have been liable. Talk to a lawyer about this before you do anything. The laws and what the judges will think varies greatly from place to place.
But let me repeat: go through every box and copy every single bit of financial paperwork before you do anything else. Vital and invaluable.
I sold all joint property of value (guns, gun safe, TV, master bedroom furniture, lawn mower, etc) and paid all minor joint debt (credit cards, $10,000 zero turn lawn mower he HAD to finance, etc.) THEN I filed. I consulted with my lawyer first. He gave the green light as he felt a conservative rural judge like ours would have no issues with the sale of marital property paying off joint marital debt as long as the paper trail was there and I ran all the money through our joint account AND all transactions occurred before the date I filed. In his view we could and did play the desperate abandoned mother card just trying to make ends meet while he rode off into the sunset with schmoopie.
It meant I postponed actually filing the papers about a week but property settlement became a cake walk and it was less for me to move when the house sold! All unused funds stayed in the joint account until settlement meanwhile I opened a new account in my name and rerouted my payroll checks through there.
Consult your attorney before you do anything but remember there are ways to protect yourself financially!
Paying off and closing joint debt ahead of time was my biggest victory. Sparkly Turd CANNOT manage money and loves swiping those credit cards!! He later married his Schmoopie who’s divorce and bankruptcy were both still pending when he left and moved in with her! I am so thankful every single day I severed financial ties ASAP! The Lawyer’s fees were an investment in my future!
Love how you handled this, including how you got good legal advice and leveraged things to your advantage.
I faced a similar situation to Newly Chumped. My ex left suddenly with little more than her clothes. She was a borderline-hoarder, so there was a crapton of her junk everywhere. She came back with a lawyer a week later; I immediately got my own lawyer. I think the solution I came up with was not bad.
She only got to take what was listed in a very specific list (“bed in spare bedroom,” “TV stand in bedroom,” etc.). Even though she had a second chance to get more stuff, it was still pretty sparse. She didn’t ask for a single picture of the kids, for example, or for any of their little mementos. So, I was still left with a huge amount of her stuff.
The first week, I admit, I packed up some of her stuff (like the $100 of makeup that I’ll never use) and gave it to the kids to pass on to her. That just seemed unfair, so I started the process of dealing with it how I wanted to. Everything got sorted into a pile, according to how much use it was to me:
– Small things worth a decent amount of money ($75 or more) that could actually be sold, and would be worth the time, went on e-bay. (FYI, I can count on one hand the number of things I could sell, most used stuff is not worth much).
– Anything worth less than $75 that someone else might was donated to Goodwill. I kept the receipts, and claimed several hundred dollars off on my taxes next year. The vast majority of things fell into this category: DVD’s, clothes, books, quesadilla maker, etc. I even donated her wedding dress, with a note that I hoped the next wearer would take her vows more seriously.
– Anything that made me angry or sad, and was safe to burn, went into the fire pit. I found a box of pictures of an AP, some notes from the AP, plus other things she collected from him, and these all made a good bonfire.
– Everything else just went into the trash.
I worked on it here and there, and it took months to get rid of all that crap, but it was worth it.
Whenever she has asked me for something later, my response has been the same: “I don’t have that.” I give no explanation, so there is no legally-usable excuse that I’m liable for junk that she left at my house 2 years ago. If she asks again, I again say “I don’t have that.” Technically, it’s true.
When I kicked my cheater out he left everything behind. I had zero money for an attorney and had to wait about 6 month to get the retainer together. In the meantime I boxed up everything carefully and put everything in the garage. He refused to come and get it. Once I had the attorney I got a temporary settlement agreement that gave him a date to retrieve his belongs or they were mine to dispose of (at his expense) or keep. He waited to the last day and was packing his stuff until 3am. I was nice and let him go over the 8pm deadline. He still left stuff behind and still every once in a while will bring up stuff that I “kept from him”. So, if you have the opportunity to move his stuff off site before a court intervenes, do so! Also go to family court and start child custody and support on your own. You will get through this. It’s so hard at first, but does get easier. Protect yourself and your child.
Wow Newly Chumped—I think you were living my life. Mine did the same, except he ate the “Other woman and a wife cake” for 4 years, benefitting from the image of doting dad and family man at work as he climbed to the top of the corporate ladder while I moved and gave up my career for him –at what would have been year 16.5 in our marriage. A few months into my role as “early retired professor who gave up lifetime pension turned non-profit owner”, I found out about OW and after “I love you both” and “I’m so confused” and “I need stop thinking of others and do things that I have always wanted to do like sleep with transexuals and participate in a gang bang” turned to “I never loved you” and “You hated your job” and “You wanted to move here” (because he did me a favor by rescuing me from my annoying circle of friends I’d built for 16 years and the job I trained my life for I suppose) and “I want to be monogamous with her but not you” (that was in response to how my accusation that he was just a typical non-committed male in midlife crisis) and “she will let me be me” (his explanation of how he could be monogamous with her while participating in aforementioned activities while still committed to this other woman). And then he left, with all his crap in our house. I had to move because I couldn’t afford the mortgage, so I had everything hauled to the junk yard except his naturalization papers (he was born in the Soviet Union), his PhD thesis and our wedding pictures. My real estate agent dropped all those things on his doorstep for me. Except the papers. I have those. If he notices that he needs them, perhaps he’ll figure out who to ask.
April 6, 2017 I flew back home from a business trip and received an e-mail from the asshat that he had moved out. Just weeks prior we had been planning early retirement and a move to the southwest. He declared “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” while floating around a resort pool in PHX looking at neighborhoods. 6 weeks later, abandonment. Married 28 years and I got an e-mail. Schmoopie is 25YO, our daughter’s age. He had loaded up his truck and taken everything that he deemed was his.
April 23rd an auction house came and picked up every item of size left in the house. 30 years of accumulation gone. If I could not lift it by myself to move to an apartment for myself it was sent away. He received half in the settlement. I did all the work of sorting through, reliving memories of camping gear and holiday decor, and he received half the money. I prepped the house for sale while he stuck his dick in a young gurl and delivered to him enormous checks for his efforts.
Later I found a couple commemorative concert books for his very favorite band. His SS card, the title to his truck, his birth certificate had all been left behind (all the adult stuff, of course. He remembered his 5 guns and 6 guitars though).
I can’t believe I gave those things documents to him. As I handed them over he gave me this look– the, “aww, aren’t you so nice” genuine look, which of course was a look of relief that I hadn’t immediately shredded them. Yes, I am nice. Yes, I am the adult. No, he doesn’t care that I have always been the one to figure his shit out for him. 25YOs are much more fun.
I wish had burned his important documents and treasured concert books. I had an e-mail as proof he was never coming back.
After the divorce was final the asshat sent me the original title to his truck which was awarded to him in the divorce. He FedExed it with a post-it attached and curt instruction to “sign here” to remove my interest in it. Never warned me it was coming and couldn’t muster even a basic salutation nor a please and thanks. I pretended I never got it. This brought a phone call from him demanding that I go track it down. He told me it was the decent thing for me to do. I told him to fuck off and the man child had to go get a new truck title. wah. No more wifing as Beth says. He was shocked.
I will never look after his stuff or any element of his life again. If our daughters were tragically injured or killed he will not be getting word from me about hospitalizations or funerals. Marriages, births, whatever, he will not be getting anything from me. His daughters might send him an e-mail about it.
When Dr. Cheaterpants left the second time in our 20 years together with yet another schmoopie, I knew how he’d behave. It was clear he wanted to abandon for his new, sparkly life of ho (DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic school). I quickly got in writing what he wanted, I packed his clothes and had them ready for him to take and he thanked me for being helpful. Hmmm, yep I didn’t want him rummaging through the house like he was on a shopping spree so knowing he’d want to run off into the sunset as fast as he could I ‘helped’ him. He said he didn’t want anything and wanted to keep everything the same for the kids.
Asked my attorney to move fast with getting the agreement complete and set a timeline for him to be out of the house of 30 days. On the last day, I had all the locks changed. He just so happened to be dropping off our 14 year old daughter when the locksmith was there and the look on his face was priceless. I’m guessing he thought he could come and go as he pleased like he did the first time he left us for a schmoopie.
Oh, and take everything you value (not nescessarily OF value) and store it some place else. I took all my photos of kids, family heirlooms, etc… and stored at my mom’s house. I didn’t want that fucker coming by when I wasn’t home and loading up what he decided he may want. Turns out he didn’t want anything I valued like that. They really are pod people.
I still have dreams about my X asshat coming back for pictures of our daughters.
On poof day he did grab a dozen or so framed photos of them as babies and toddlers (nothing of them grown up of course, a testament to how they became inadequate kibble dispensers as they grew). When I got to the house and saw those were gone I was stunned. He isn’t the one who took the photos nor developed them nor selected them nor bought frames nor did any work to assemble them, and yet he decided they were his. Fortunately our youngest daughter (both daughters are adults now) told him hell-to-the-no was he taking those, he had no right to. I told him I would scan them for him to give him copies and he did return them about 3 days later, the day he came back to scream at me for the next 48 hours about how it was All. My. Fault. that our marriage was blown up and I was the source of all evil in his life. And how THERE IS NO ONE ELSE (the current Schmoopie is also OW#2 of our marriage).
I never made copies of the photos because fuck him.
I am in my new own home now but I still have recurring nightmares that he breaks into this wonderful, warm, and peaceful sanctuary I have created and tears through it to claim our daughters’ photos and other items from when they were small–locks of hair, tiny hands embedded in plaster, itty bitty clothes. He has a snarl on his face as he declares that this is all HIS as well and he can take what he wants and come and go as he pleases. He is the monster in my dreams.
I occasionally have nightmares of the Twat being in my home and refusing to leave or climbing over the gate to my back garden and so on. Yep he still haunts my dreams sometimes.
Dracula has been out of my house 5 years now, has lived 2,000 miles away from me for 4 years now, and we’ve been divorced 3.5 years now, but I still have nightmares of him. I wish they’d go away!
I had the same issue with my Ex. He left most of his stuff behind. I emptied his closet into the driveway and texted him a photo. He came and got it immediately. Then all of his other belongings sat in the house–trophies, books, furniture…I asked repeatedly for him to get it. About 6 months after he left, I emailed him letting him know that if it was not gone by the end of the month it would be gone. He finally got his 65 year old mother to help him move some stuff (He could get no one else to help?).
Still, he left behind some pretty big items. A poker table, pool table…told me he would save money to get them moved. He wasn’t saving to move them though, so I put a clause in the divorce stipulation that anything that remained in the house 30 days after the divorce was final would become my property. On the 29th day he contacted me, finally noticing this clause, begging me not to get rid of these items. He claimed they were not his, but were his mom and brother’s . Something that contradicts everything he had every told me about the items. I said I didn’t believe him. He had his mom text me but apparently didn’t coach her because she confirmed that they were his items and that she would save to move them this summer.
Guess what? They are still in my house. No one saved jack. His mom went to Ireland this summer. He spent $500+ in Vegas. Currently these items are piled with a bunch of my stuff. I’m in no hurry to get rid of them but there is no way in hell they are getting them back. I plan on selling them (if I can) and there is nothing they can do about it because I made sure to protect myself. He also took no photos, there is a drawer of bank statements, random items in storage…I throw them away or donate them as I come across them.
Same, same, SAME!! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but you will be so much better off without him. In time you will be able to see that, once you stop reeling. Get some boxes, pack his shit away so it’s out of sight and relocate it to the garage, basement, wherever you can put it so it’s not in your face all of the time. You are not a storage facility.
The exhole left for a couple of days (I didn’t know about the affair yet), I had gotten the whole “I don’t love you”, “I’m not wasting any more of my life with you” “you’re too controlling” vitriol that ended in “I want a divorce” and him staying at his sisters. Allegedly. Completely out of left field and I was absolutely devastated. While we were out at a school function “playing family”, my mom came over and moved all of his crap outside next to the garage. He was LIVID when she texted and told him that his shit was next to the garage and he should probably pick it up. I was horrified at her actions (don’t make him angry!! Oh no!! I can FIX this!!), but after discovering the affair it’s a great memory to giggle over now!! After D-Day, thanks to my mother, I had already seen most of the stuff that needed to go out the door with him. His idiot brother-in-law came over with a trailer, so stacked all his shit in the living room and even helped load the stuff myself. It was great to get everything out in one fell swoop . . . and also to be standing there telling him what he wasn’t allowed to take. Pack his shit up. You can cry, scream, whatever (as long as your daughter isn’t there) but get it out of your sight.
My boys were 5 and 8 at the time, and I made exhole tell them himself that he was in “twu luv” with their friends’ mother. They were in counseling and still are (probably will be for a LONG time) but they’re doing so much better than they would have been if we all still lived together. Twatwaffle is extremely emotionally abusive, and the visitation is very limited – and now my boys are refusing to see him at all. Not sure where that will land us, but whatever. It’s been 5 years and the antics are so pointless.
It’s horrifying, devastating, and tears you apart . . . but you will be ok. Just get everything done that you need to and keep moving forward. Take care of your daughter, take care of yourself, get a lawyer and pack that shit up. The forward momentum will help you (just a little). This behavior is not acceptable and there’s no going back after this anyway, so get moving. All of us on here have gone through it, and there isn’t one single person on here that wishes they still lived with their fuckwit. Sure, we all wish we still had the “dream” that we had convinced ourselves we were living, but that’s the extent of it. Not having a nuclear family sucks, but you don’t want one with that guy. No way. Set some boundaries and let the lawyers do the talking. (((hugs)))
My XH of 40 years left me for Married Howorker, aka AP#14. Since she was still living with her own (clueless) husband, XH moved into his elderly mother’s house. Taking only the clothes hanging in our shared walk-in closet, he moved into his childhood bedroom there and slept on what I call a “hotdog bed“… you know, a mattress that’s so old that when you climb in, you immediately roll to the center and the sides fold up around you. I still chuckle when I think about it.
I immediately demanded we put our marital home up for sale after the holidays (he left right before Thanksgiving). I refused to live alone in our oversized empty nest (triplet sons were all grown, gone, and living in 3 other states) and take care of that large country property by myself. XH agreed. My goal was to leave our isolated rural town and buy a small home for myself an hour away, in the same city we’d selected as our retirement location, but until I had time to house hunt, I’d be in temporarily housing. I set aside some basic household items to get me through, spent the holidays packing up everything else, and had it all moved into 2 large off-site storage units.
Due to a crazy set of circumstances that were beyond my control, I ended up moving 3 times within the next 12 months until I finally landed in my own little Cape Cod bungalow. In order to save on storage fees, I then had the contents of both storage units moved into my basement. My lawyer instructed me to go through every box, take photos of each item, and email the photos to XH to see what he might want. If he’d wanted all of it, I honestly would’ve said OK. But he selected just 7 things, which were then itemized in our divorce decree. He hired a moving company to pick everything up, but before they came, I added some extras that I no longer wanted, including multiple albums filled with photos of us together, and various gifts he’d given me. Yes, I could’ve thrown away the photos and gifts, but I wanted to send a message that I was actively rejecting those reminders of our life together. He’d unilaterally decided to blow things up, and in my own way, I wanted to say, “Good riddance, Asshole”. Since then, I’ve donated and/or sold untold numbers of once jointly-owned possessions and have thrown out bags and bags of junk; I continue to purge as time permits, and it feels really good.
I should add that in the 3 years since our divorce was finalized, XH has never once asked for a single photo of our triplets. Not one, digital or otherwise (many were taken in the hey day of the Kodak Instamatic and vintage instant Polaroids). I still can’t wrap my head around it, especially considering that while he turned out to be a horrible husband, he was a loving, patient, attentive and involved Dad.
What is it with these people and not wanting mementos of their kids. Ex didn’t take kid photos either. Nor did he take gifts they had made for him over the years. We got recent school photos of the boys and I told him to help himself to the ones he wanted (after I claimed the ones I wanted) but he never got around to taking any. When he moved to the apartment I made him take my favorite “Make a Plate” plates and bowls that the kids had made. He seemed reluctant to take him. Now I feel stupid as they were my personal favorites and I would have appreciated them more. My goal at the time was for him to not forget his kids.
Maybe they just leave that stuff behind because subconsciously they don’t want constant reminders of what they left behind with their screwed up choices. We are lucky he still has a relationship with his kids because it probably is hard for him to be around them knowing that he betrayed them too no matter how hard he tries to image manage that relationship.
Interestingly, he did take a photo of the two of us and a couple of stuffed animals I had made for him back when I had time to sew. Pity because I suspect Schmoopie has made him burn those things by now.
Why don’t they take any family photos of their kids growing up ?They just don’t care. Unless it screws up their public persona.
I have vague memories of my father, the philandering philatelist, sorting through things in my childhood home and compiling a list during my parents divorce in the early eighties. He was furious that he wouldn’t be receiving half of my mother’s inheritance. No child support paid by him because I would going off to uni in the fall and my older brother had already flown the coop. His father, a successful attorney, footed the bill for my and my brother’s private high school and uni fees. (Massive amounts of gratitude to that good man). Because of said inheritance, my father only paid two years of alimony after twenty plus years of marriage.
Fifteen years later my mother died of cancer and I was left with the enormous task of cleaning out her house by myself. I went through every scrap of paper regarding their marriage and divorce, including her rough calculations of how much he had squirreled away in his stamp collection. A lot of checks made out to cash and a mailbox in town to hide the money (and fuckbuddies ?). I went through all the photos and found the box of negatives, that had been in the same place for the last twenty years.
When my mother died, my father was already onto wife 3.0 by then and had a copy of my uni senior photo hanging in the hallway of their apartment. I had gone no contact after the divorce and unwisely “reconnected” with him years later in my late twenties. He must have taken it from his parents house because I didn’t give him a copy. He wasn’t invited to my high school or uni graduation ceremonies.
He started whining about how he didn’t have any pictures of me and how he’d like a current portrait.Pretty certain people who visited noticed this-lots of pictures of wife 3.0’s ugly son and her family (think Addams family level of hideousness) scattered around their home. I didn’t respond to this until the right moment during a family gathering with distant relatives gathered. He started in about this and I calmly said, “You know Dad can you explain something to me ? When I cleaned out my mother’s house by myself (shot a glance at my narc brother seated across the table),I came across the list you made for the division of assets. You went through the house with a fine-tooth comb so I know you saw the box of negatives and photo albums. How bizarre that you didn’t take ANY pictures of me and my brother, your children !”
Silence at the dinner table. You could have heard a pin drop. I went on a definitive “no contact” with him a couple of years later. Cheaters suck.
Wow – wish I had been at that dinner party! Well done!
There is a group I’ve found on Facebook and used them… PICKUPPLEASE.org is a group that helps veterans and you can schedule a pickup at your convenience. I have used them, and they showed up right on time. See if they service your area, then schedule once a week or once a month, till all that stuff is GONE!! 😉
https://pickupplease.org/slp1/?fbclid=IwAR2Z8SjSOIyKafTcLLjgq0fNLwrz5Ow50D6frU7Km89rlgjyw6txKhfzf8U
🙂 Great idea! The Salvation Army does pickups too. I used it once to have them pickup a heavy donation I didn’t want to move.
They’re only in 13 states (not in mine), so I rely on Salvation Army or Habitat for Humanity.
What is this crazy that they do when they bugger off with only the clothes on their backs and a suitcase. When he said he was going to rent a place I asked him about the rest of his clothes and things – he replied don’t want them, give them to the Op Shop. No immediately all clothes into rubbish bags for him to collect.
I then went through the house and removed all the visible things that were his. Every time he collected our son or I dropped him off another couple of boxes of crap went to the arsehole. It pissed him off – in amongst the crap were some important mementos to him so he had to go through each bag or box to make sure he didn’t miss them. After a couple of weeks I was done with that and then set about ‘reclaiming’ my home. Rearranging things, bought a new dining suite and have decluttered a lot of other stuff too. Next will be repainting rooms.
Shallow man baby asked for some tools recently (one year after moving) – Nope you didn’t want anything – we’re done with that. It’s all mine now although we haven’t formalised our separation agreement (he’s dragging his feet on that) so I may have to hand some stuff over later but Ill not be itemising anything on the agreement if possible.
He’s got his shiny new life ( a little tarnished now with cracks showing haha) and has spent up large on important things, boat, jet ski, trips with the downgrade, tvs etc.
Newly chumped you need to rip down that shrine and make it your nest and secure place for you and your daughter.
good luck
When my ex left me for the OW I had no idea why. He spent a couple of months picking fights with me, and eventually just walked out of the house, claiming to be unhappy in our marriage. Conveniently for him, we also owned a condo in our town, which he’d previously bought years earlier to use as an “office.” (Yeah, right.) So he’d had plenty of time to furnish that to his liking (I occasionally helped with this, thinking the condo was “mine” too) and apparently establish a whole second wardrobe there.
For a while, he would bug me about “coming over to the house so we could split everything up.” These comments ended about the time I found out about his history of infidelity. After that, he no longer wanted to come over, talk to me, or see me. I also wised up and told him that if we split everything up in the big house, I should come over to the condo so we could split all that stuff up too. The last thing he wanted was me in his space.
My solution when left alone in a big house full of his old stuff was to borrow money from my mother and buy my own condo. So I left the house too. I had no interest in the maintenance, the yard, the snow shoveling, or clearing it out solo. I took everything I wanted–all the family photos, artwork, furniture, rugs, lamps, and left the rest. I decided if he didn’t care about the house, I didn’t either, so I left it to rot with all his crap inside, just as he had.
About a year later, I realized that real estate prices in our town were recovering well, and that our family home would be irreplaceable, and I decided I wanted to keep it. By this time, I assumed my ex had come and taken everything he wanted out of the house, even though it was hard to tell anything was missing from his stuff. I started moving back in. The first thing I did was rent a dumpster and have it parked in the driveway directly under the master bedroom balcony. I threw all of his crap off the balcony into the dumpster. It felt so good!
This was before our divorce was final, but I figured he wouldn’t remember what he left behind, and if he did ask for anything specific I would say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
In the end, our settlement agreement said that I would get the contents of the house, except that I would provide him with copies of family photos. I’m sure he threw in the part about the photos for image management, because I never gave him any photos, and he hasn’t asked for any.
Our first grandchild was born recently, our son’s son. I have so many memories of my son’s infancy that I’ve been sharing with the new parents. I’m sure my ex remembers NOTHING of our kids’ childhoods. The past is nothing to these people, and stuff from the past has little meaning, so it’s easy for them to walk away from both the people and the things that they’re done with.
I second the dumpster, idea! I did it, too! I loved throwing all of his crap away. He had moved away and wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t about to spend time boxing anything of his up.
He is terrorizing you. That is exactly right. That is what these freaks do. They enjoy it.
Do not waste any time opening a great big can of whoop ass.
Show them you see their terror and you raise them one pissed off lady.
My ex TRIED to pull that crap on me–leaving everything behind with me while he moved on to a bright and shiny new life. Luckily, he is lazy and luckily, he is tethered to his current town by Army orders, and I am not.
I will never forget the absolute surprise on his face when I told him I had found a job in my parents’ town and was leaving with the TV, my family’s antiques, and the dog. He told me he figured I would stay in Alabama, in our home, and HE would get an apartment. Bullshit. He just wanted to offload our life and all our beat up Army-moved furniture and start over with the whore from Singapore.
So I did exactly what I said. I packed up my 13 year old car (he had an AIRPLANE, but I drove a 2004 Hyundai) and hit the road. My dad and brother went back for the few boxes I left behind…Ex was such a coward he left the garage open and was nowhere to be found, when they showed up.
I left as much of our joint possessions as I possibly could, so that he would be forced to go through them. Or OW would. He is the type of man that would definitely have her move in with my flowery bedsheets still on the marriage bed, and expect her to be fine with it. I sincerely hope that’s what went down. But whatevs. Not my circus anymore.
And I bought new, pretty furniture and a new car after the divorce. And I love them!
Yep, another military wife appliance dumped after 34 years so idiot can move on to his shiny new life with his Asian or gay lover (I’m not sure which yet)! I got possession of all the goods in the house in the financial settlement. I immediately purged all his personal items into the trash and any item he said he wanted from the house got an extra helping from Mr Sledgehammer. That includes our wedding album because idiot said he wanted 1 wedding photo and photos of ‘happier times’. Because I don’t know when that was, any photo of him went into the trash. 16 months later it still feels awesome! No begging from me, any communications from him or his lawyer (wife of a big wig Army dude) gets shredded or deleted. I don’t listen to any crap from either of them. Take control chumps and dump, dump, dump….
You go, girl. I always thought we weren’t that Army stereotype…I guess I was wrong! My Ex got livid when I got a lawyer–then he “consulted” a lawyer to review the terms that mine drew up. The hilarious part is that he consulted with the busty “representing men in divorce!” woman from those tacky billboards all over Enterprise, Alabama. It made me laugh at the absurdity. And remember what an idiot he truly is.
I hope your ex enjoys his new mercenary bride (that’s where my money is), and will enjoy helping her get her U.S. citizenship. I hope he enjoys shelling out your share of the pension as much as my ex. Mine is livid that I would dare claim my 25.26% (11 years married to him of active duty, moving, and nonstop deployments), and I can’t help but take pleasure in the fact that he will have to look at that garnishment every single month for the rest of his miserable life.
My ex left his Harley Davidson in my garage for a year after D day. He lived in a different state by then. I finally got fed up and wheeled it to the end of the driveway and left the keys in it. Texted him a pic. It was gone within 12 hours. A carrier company picked it up, it wasn’t stolen. Too bad.
Felt great.
How about, “Your shit is in the garage. Salvation Army if coming Friday. If you want to pick anything up before then, be my guest.”
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Hi I tried to leave a comment earlier today but I don’t think it worked.
Thank you so much to everyone for your advice, your support is amazing and reading all your posts these last few weeks has been my lifeline. Today especially I have been feeling very low so to get all your feedback has really helped. I own my house so thankfully he had no entitlement to stay here, I have refused to let him come here anymore to see our daughter as he was just turning up when it suited him for few hrs & continuing to abuse me & rub my nose in his new found happiness while he was here. He has only taken her out twice since then (4weeks) for a few hrs and given very little notice. Financially he has been wreckless since leaving spending ridiculous amounts of money (can guess on who) so yes I definately need to get child support in place. You have all made me realise too that I should not be covering for his lies & will tell my daughter & my 2 grown up kids he helped me to raise. It is his shame not mine. I have decided to take your advice CL and will pack the shrine away & give him a date to collect before taking it to the dump! Thank you CL & CN Tomorrow is a new day ????
One area I actually was lucky. He wanted the house sold quickly so I cherry picked what I wanted and the rest he had to get rid of. Sine he was a pack rat most of it was his crap anyway. Bonus-he also had to do all the repairs that he was too “busy” fucking around with schmoopie to do before. Now he has a new home with a big mortgage with her and her mother (lmao) I have freedom, peace and a beautiful apartment with no maintenance. Yeah me????
The Dickhead refused to leave so I left first. I took only what I wanted or needed and left the rest for him. I did not clean anything and he had to prep the house for sale. My last laugh was the garage. Last year I pleaded with him to arrange and get rid of stuff so we could better organize. He flat-out refused. He had to clean out the garage all by himself. Dumb shit.
I did similar…on DDay 2 I walked out. Enough is enough. I took what I wanted and left him with everything else. He bought me out of my share and I walked away after 16 years. It hurt like the devil but after about a year my heart caught up with my head and it is great!!!
I am having the same problem right now. Cheater left to stay with his dad with a suitcase when he got kicked out. He moved back into the city 2 months later (without telling me) he sneaked in for some work clothes and left everything else behind. Still holding on to the keys “I don’t want you to have the ability to lock me out of my stuff” he said. My lawyer sent him a few letters to get a divorce settlement sorted “That’s not what I wanted, the best case scenario is that we will get back together” he said. All this while he moved in with the OW…
It’d s rental so I can’t change my keys and I can’t divorce him until the 2 year separation period is up (I still have another 8 months to go). I finally got a job in another country so hopefully I can move out early next year. The technicality of sorting things out is not difficult but I dread contacting him – I don’t want to get into any conversations with him I know he will find a way to hurt me again. Previously there were talks about OW wanting to move in (I fail to comprehend why anyone would want to do that but I guess these people are special), I think he’d say anything just to hurt me (he told me it’s my choice if I want to kill myself, he “can’t live for everyone’s feelings”).
Newly Chumped I think he’s definitely terrorising you leaving his stuff behind. It is a constant reminder of his presence and it wears you down mentally over time. I put everything of his in the spare room so it’s mostly out of the way but I still feel I am living in a time capsule. Part of me don’t want to let go but I think it will be better for my sanity to leave this all behind and start a new life. All the best to you and your daughter. Be strong.
“It’s a rental so I can’t change my keys” Does the landlord know what’s going on with you two? Sympathetic to your situation ? If not,accidentally “lose” your keys,change the locks and give your landlord the master key.
I went through 2 weird phases…
When he left for 18 months to live away, he played me like a fiddle…pick me dancing all along. I kept our home a safe place where he could just waltz back home at any time with no consequences. Bad idea.
The second time he left was for good…dispatched from Earth by God…and he didnt take anything with him.
I found photos / gifts from OW in my house, some gals pay stub (who does that?) and other crazy things. I purged and purged but it took a while. Little by little getting rid of almost every piece of furniture I owned when he lived here.
“some gals pay stub (who does that?)” My ex, that’s who. 😀 The first “evidence” I found before DDay #1 was a woman’s W4 from a Cabelas store in his briefcase. And yes, I was successfully able to spackle that by telling myself that he must have found it in the parking lot and kept it to return to her. Hahahaha Of course, I also managed to not question myself as to why I was going through my husband’s briefcase in the middle of the night searching for some clue as to why he had turned into a certified Ahole in recent months. I was mainlining the hopium big time. Turned out that she was his long time AP and he was doing her taxes for her which is why he had her W4.
I was the one who had to move out and I left the place looking a lot better than when I moved in. My spin on what to do with stuff (mine, in this case) was to leave zero trace that I had ever existed (apart from those minor home improvements I’m not sure he appreciated.) He’d referred to a photo he wanted as “a souvenir.” The thought that a ten year marriage could be reduced to a souvenir sent me on a cleaning spree. Not one hair, piece of paper, photograph, or particle of dust would be left that bore a trace of me. “She is dancing away from you now. She was just a wish….and her memory is all that’s left for you now…”
I did the same. He stole my home to offer up to his student. I took everything I cared about, and most of it was mine before I met him. I only left all the slutwear he would buy me that I would not wear. But I took every photo with me in the shot. The house plans I commissioned. The photos of the massive reconstruction. And I left it sparkly clean and photographed every room with a time and date stamp so there could be no allegations of vandalism. But I got a little petty. I left his diet pills, diuretics and laxatives in the medicine cabinet that I found hidden all over the house. They filled that space, in all three bathrooms. Best she should know he was anorexic. And I left his clothes unwashed, for the nine months he was restrained from returning. She could find a way to get the skid marks out, I was sure. Love always finds a way.
I had the same issue with wasband. 15 years, 12 married, 2 boys and he ran off with the neighborhood party girl meth head who drank with him. .. .. one day he loved me, the next day he loved her. Literally went straight from my bed to hers. And then ghosted right after the divorce was final.
I got everything.. … kids sole custody. House vehicles etc… .. be just signed on the dotted line and literally left with the clothes on his back. Being the kind person I am. I lovingly pack all his clothes. His papers, birth certificate and legal papers.. .. boxed all nicely and met him at the park to deliver. THAT was before I found out about her.. .. the very next day I found out about his troll, I filed the papers. No more pick me dance for me (don’t be too impressed as I danced for 5 or 6 years already)
We did our own papers.. .. and by we I mean me. Got the divorce packet worth children. I typed up the answers and we took to s not to sign. All done. Filed on Feb 10, 2014. Judge signed and divorced by mar 20 2014..
Then he disappeared.
So if you are not married, then let him go. Do not try to force him to be a dad. Do not chase after him for child support or visitations. Take it from me, your kid is better off without him. If she asks where is dad, tell her you don’t know but when she gets older if she still wants to see him you will track him down for her. .. (and do it if she asks when she is like 15 or 16)…. .. explain to her that you can’t force him to do anything and she is not at fault.
Good luck
I am a big proponent of playing alongside the law. Anything that you do that could be perceived as irrational and crazy can be used against you. I am trying to avoid this at all cost.
I wish my STBX had moved out right away after he decided that he wanted to be with his subwhoredinate and no longer sufficiently cared about me or our family. I am dragging him along since July. Playing nice. Playing by the law. Playing amicable divorce for the kids. It is really awful at times how much of the law can be exploited by the cheater. He plays like he all over sudden uncovered his parental side where he needs to be there for the kids and must stay in this house, Mind you. He used to travel up to 30% of the time and was NEVER really home before 7pm. He changed this behavior as soon as „divorce“ became a key word in our conversation.
I have slowly replaced our wedding pictures with some painted art work. I have removed the „couple“ sculptures we received as presents over the years and replaced them with other things I like. I put everything in a pile in his corner of our bedroom. He can take those if he wants to.
I am now under the impression that they do everything to hurt us. And that there true desire is to leave us as destroyed as possible. I know for sure that my cheater is provoking me to show myself in the worst possible light. He has become very frustrated when I try to reason and stay on fact. Instead he uses all my complaints against me. He is not even creative about it. He just switches pronouns around. „You hurt me“ „You hurt me, too.“
I am preparing myself for the worst accusations in court. I am sure he will claim that I am an unfit mother or have mental issues. Whatever it is.
What I do with his stuff that he does not want back? No clue. I might give him an ultimatum after the divorce and then have it moved to his place by a moving company when he does not work with my deadline. I will send him the bill. All I know is that he cannot be trusted. So far the worst possible scenario has been picked by him. I am sure he will not all over sudden grow some human decency or get a character transplant. After all there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is just a victim of unfortunate circumstances mostly caused by me and my flaws. He simply made one mistake: he forgot to break up with me before he cheated for at least three years with a friend of mine. Just one minor thing… I am completely unreasonable for overreacting. Right?
Laws can be different — I told my XH to leave after DD#2, same OW. He was happy to do so as it was his dearest wish. He came back one time to pick up more stuff. I then had the locks changed. Per my attorney, he had an apartment that was secure and free from my ability to randomly enter. I was entitled to same.
Fuckwits can be different — On the second time he came by to get stuff, I told him to get what he wanted because I would not be welcoming him back. He went into a rage. I responded that I didn’t allow anyone to yell at me anymore and I would walk back into the house. If he wanted to yell, I’m Schmooplanta would be happy to be yelled at. Did he have the right to come back? I dunno. But I came across as pretty formidable. There’s the old saying, never piss off someone who can hurt you by doing nothing. Know your fuckwit enemy. I knew just how afraid he was of depositions, etc. and used it to my advantage. The settlement agreement included language that the division of property was complete and final.
My lawyer had him create a list of anything he wanted. Then I put all the furniture and items on his list in the garage, along with any mementos or family items. Anything that was clearly his or from his family, I scrupulously put in the garage. Anything not on the list that was ours I deemed mine. Sue me! Also, I didn’t pack it for him in boxes or garbage bags. He wanted it, he could pack it. I kindly put a few boxes and some tape in the garage. He had a perfectly miserable day packing and moving. I had a good laugh that among the items were the boxes and boxes of his stuff that he was always “going to go through.” Further, some of the things in the garage had an extra dose of my DNA on them in the form of excess saliva. That is all.
He asked me repeatedly for copies of photographs. I ignored the request. Fuck him.
I’ve been donating to our church rummage sale/throwing out/selling for a while. It’s mostly done. I do have a beautiful but very large painting still…I’d like to sell it but not sure where. It’s definitely too big to ship. It probably wouldn’t fit in my car even. I like it, but it reminds me of him so I’d like to let it go.
Nowadays, it’s hard for someone to hide their current address. I can sometimes find people’s addresses simply by googling them or googling free and cheap sites that will help you find someone’s address. Might be cheaper than a lawyer. 😉
I kind of had the opposite problem, at first: XH showing up at my place and saying “I’m taking this” and “I’m taking this.” He took a Batman / Superman graphic novel that I absolutely loved, and I let him because this was my “Pick me!” dance phase and I thought that if I was kind and generous, it would win him back. Of course, it had no effect on him and he continued to treat me like crap.
That was when I got mad. I told him to come look through our stuff and anything that was his that he left behind, I would throw away. He took a couple of things, but still left a bunch of things behind. I filled up a small box of things that were obviously childhood memoirs, left it at his place, and threw everything else away.
The best part was taking all of his video games to GameStop and selling them for cash. That was cathartic.
Ive offered mine now 7 times to pick his stuff up ,now Im getting rid of it . It has been 5 months and I think thats enough time.
Of course ‘Im not the boss of him’ so he refuses to answer me when I ask him to pick it up. Guess he will just have to learn the hard way.
I don’t care what he or anyone else thinks, in the same way he didn’t care about me when he was cheating.
One piece of advice, change the locks.
Next piece of advice, after you’ve offered his shit up and he’s either collected it or ignored it, do not respond to requests that you hunt down piecemeal bits of shit he wants. It’s not your job anymore.
Final piece of advice, ignore the fuck out of him. Forever.
That asshole may think he’s on sabbatical or hiatus, but he is now history. No tag-backs.
Final piece of advice, ignore the fuck out of him. Forever.
This is exactly what I need to do to be a survivor too ????
My sister, whom I love, is the side piece to a fuckwit. After a 26 year marriage to his wife, he had an affair with my sister and left.
Long after his divorce when the family home finally sold he tried to get half of all the belongings, created a scene about the value, and insisted on getting 50% of the cost of a piano he gave his wife as a birthday present.
All my sister said was he was being ridiculous as the stuff was just not worth that much. Did not join the dots at all about what it said about HIM! They are still together and I cannot stomach him.
Amazing.
I bagged up my ex’s stuff, and gave him a deadline to collect it. Re household items I am expecting a saga now we are moving even though it is 3 years since we divorced and the court order said he had 6 weeks to get his stuff. Another good chance to be a total pain.
You could if your inlaws live near by, give them his stuff. Or maybe he left his stuff at yours thinking he could come back. I dumped a load of paint over my exs clothes, but that is illegal, I probably should have put the paint over his head, might have woken his brain cells. My ex said I should be grateful, he was willing to come back, unfortunately I was not willing for him to come back.
I did think of this but the last time I spoke to him they were oblivious to his secret shiny new life, they may know now I suppose but if they do I have had no offer of support from them, not even to ask after their granddaughter!
Schmoopie #2 got enraged when she discovered he was also cheating on her. She had been blackmailing him to the tune of $6,000 dollars not to tell me. He stopped paying her and she texted me the juicy details of their sordid affair. So I moved out and told him if he could pay her $6,000 then I deserved at least that much. I used the money to buy all new furniture and told him to keep the “memories of us.” I went back for the rest of my things a few weeks later.
There is something to be said for being the one to leave if you don’t have a mortgage. I’m so grateful I never had to pack up his stuff. He had to pack mine. #poeticjustice
My cheater slinked out with not much more than the clothes on his back. There were a couple of months he was out of the house, before I could confirm the existence of OW. He would still come to the house to see the kids, and I always caught him stealing things. Not really stealing, considering it was his own toothbrush and an item here or there, but he would act so weird about getting it. He behaved as if he was sneaking it out. As soon as I confirmed the existence of OW, I bagged everything, and I mean everything, of his, and placed it in the third garage.
The divorce dragged on for more than two years, during which time he had a key to the house and a garage door opener. His items were available the whole time and he never took them. We finally divorce and the settlement agreement specifically states that we each have the right to whatever personal property is in our possession at the time of signing. His stuff is still in the garage. It took him 5 months post-divorce to finally come take it. Truth is, he wasn’t even entitled to it, but it was stuff I wanted gone.
The day he finally came to get it, he was noncommittal about his arrival time. I know this was for no other reason than to be a jerk and keep me on the hook for whatever time he came. He made a point of “telling” me that he did not want to see me, and to have the garage door open for his arrival. So open it I did, about two feet from the ground. I would have loved to see his 6’3″ frame climbing under the door to get into the garage.
A couple of months later he makes a demand for his music CDs. Now mind you, I was happy to get his CDs out of the house. I told him I would make his available as soon as I had time to go through all the CDs and pull his out. He threatens to take me to court! What is with these nutjobs? He didn’t even have a right to them, per the settlement agreement. I took my time, eventually went through them and gave him whatever ones I and the girls didn’t want. Good riddance. He’s never asked for copies of videos or photos of his three children, but he threatens to go to court over CDs. It baffles the mind.
He is not unique in that he left me with a side yard and garage full of junk I had to dispose of. Thank goodness for good friends. A dear friend and her husband brought their dumpster trailer with hydraulic lift to my house and helped me clear everything out with two trips to the dump. It was the greatest feeling ever to dispose of it all and not need to rely on the wasband’s help.
Ex and his OW vacation all the time, and they ask one of my daughter’s to house/pet sit while they are away. I once used that opportunity to have my daughter bring “things” of the Ex’s to leave at his house. He had a fit that a bunch of his old files and bike parts and his grandfather’s tools and random stuff was left at his new residence. Too bad, so sad.
I recently purchased some new pieces of bedroom furniture and replaced everything from the lamps to the bedding. Bye bye to the marital bedroom set. I underestimated how good it would feel to really personalize the space as “mine.” My bedroom now feels like an oasis, instead of the carcass of my old life.
I’ve had to move two men out of my home in the last 10 years. I always go through and burn white sage all over the house and garage after their stuff is gone…. To get their juju out.