Infidelity Valentines
It’s February 1 and you know what that means? Insipid displays of cut-rate chocolate and polyester teddy bears? No! It’s time for the Infidelity Valentine’s Day contest!
Send me a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. Do NOT — I repeat, DO NOT! — send me your sad, lugubrious freeform verse.
But Tracy, I really have pathos. What rhymes with heart-shattering sociopath?
(Fart-smattering Sylvia Plath?)
This contest is about SNARK and DERISION. If you’re still melted in a puddle of sadness and cannot point and laugh at the absurdity of Schmoopies, if you cannot find the rich vein of humor that is receiving jewelry from Tractor Supply (a previous year’s winner) — wait another season for the Snark Muse.
Lay it on me, CN! And TGIF!
ETA — Submissions go here in the comments. Please don’t email me your poems, as cool as they are. Thanks!
There once was a cheater named Dan,
Who scoured the network for a man,
He screamed I’m not gay,
I just need a lay,
Now you’ve gone and ruined my plan.
There once was a BOY named “Drew”
Who was known to watch “a porn or two”
He fucked MANY women,
As many as seven,
Then the divorce came…boo hoo.
There once was a boy named Sean
Whose moral compass was gone
The swings in his mood
Make him one scary dude
I’m glad we didn’t last long.
Okay, I know I am late to this party but I couldn’t resist when the spirit moved me…
Did me a favor
But you won’t realize it
Until its too late
Divorcing a man named Adonis
Who thought not with his brain but his phallus.
Neither morals nor vows were a match
When he locked eyes with a new piece of snatch.
This narc’s shame is on him, not on us.
There once was a girl that was shared
By me and another who cared
To hear all her pain
And her trust he did gain
And to this day they are paired
Meh
There was a New Jersey narc named Ted,
Who cheated on me with a Utah red head,
Schmoopie packed up all her shit
To move in with my ex fuckwit,
And now share Twu Luv in my old marital bed!
Ow-ch
Ok, I’ve been lurking for a while – and started composing a limerick which kept growing (there is also a haiku – but it has a bit too much info that might be traceable to me – I’ve told too many people in our small town about this site! Maybe next year, when hopefully divorce will be final.) Happy reading!
Years of saving, with your loyal wife
Busy working, we planned later life
Now you spend big from bank
On “our” trips with your skank
Sometimes it cuts my heart like a knife
Why so foolish to spout lies around
So our staff try to put rumours down
Then of course truth came out
And soon spread all about
Soon covering the whole of our town
It can be hard to keep my head high
Support from friends at times makes me cry
Cuddle dog late at night
Hope I’ll soon feel all right
While I wave all our past dreams goodbye.
Whatever the heck were you thinking?
And how much were you really drinking?
Consequences be damned?
Did your conscience get jammed?
Hope karma soon starts your life sinking!
And I do still hear about you two
And sometimes hope the gossip is true
Seems some lies do come out
While the two of you shout
Seems that karma is now coming through.
And the future looks brighter for me
Off to places that I want to see
But instead of with you
It’s our child who makes two
Angry with your infidelity.
Twenty-seven years married to this
Common jokes and past tales I will miss
But you lied to my face
So you haven’t a case
To divert me, I’m reaching Meh bliss.
My husband liked to raw-dog dirty bitches,
His friends covered for him since they were not snitches,
His sluts gave him VD,
Which he passed on to me,
I hate him more every time my twat itches!
For fucking a twat I gave him a swat
he called the cops on me
so the truth I told of the weed he sold
and off to jail went he… not me!
“I wanted to know
if I was that guy who cheats.”
You were. Now fuck off.
There was a law student named Slick
Who said: “Baby, my classmate got sick!
Just some weird dizzy spell
where she tripped and she fell
On my hands and my mouth and my dick.”
True words could it be
Oh no! Never spoken to me
Chump lady— ok— if it means
I’m getting rid of the obscene
Now to the start of reinventing me
Narcissist Love bombs away
And leaves one day to be with his new lay
I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
All his stuff goes to trash
Am I so very glad I got away
Narcissist Love bombs away
And leaves one day to be with his new lay
I get the house, kids, 1/2 the cash
All his stuff goes to trash
Am I so very glad I got away
That’s great!
Love this Stephanie!!!
When you left my heart
shattering like broken glass
time turned it to steel
Oooh, a mightiness haiku! Love it!
Me too. That’s poetry
I’ve really had enough,
He blindsided me leaving me up the duff…
And then came back
To steal my money,
But it really is quite funny
That a tosser of this proportion,
Gets caught with a whore
And Denies it to the core
Then gets slammed with a criminal police caution!
There once was a husband named Tim
Who thought life was all about him
So he banged a whore that was as dim
And now has a future so grim
This isn’t a poem at all, but we should talk! Mine says “it’s complicated” as well around his married coworker (both families have 2 toddlers each).
Complicated? Really? How so?
I’m dying to know, What’s so complex
That you had to have sex
With a married coworker, that ho?
I once dated a guy with a wandering eye
He’d see a shiny penny and off his pants would fly
On every dating site he would hunt strange high and low
He’d tell them he lived with a “Roommate” wouldn’t you know
I caught onto his game and he is so very lame
Lol.. & off his pants would fly!
Such jackasses they are.
Sad and poor Limp Lucifer
Needs Viagra to screw her.
Thinks he’s mighty with his little nub
Look! Behind that mask it’s Beelzebub.
Just finished my drink, I’ll have another…
Claims married life is such a bore
Blew it up for his skanky whore.
Excuse me while I gag and puke…oh brother
I realize now she’s a clone of his mother.
Liar and Cheater never more.
You are a cheater
Had a wife you couldn’t keep
Someday you will weep
The kids are blessings
You however not so much
But thanks for the sperm
Totally this ????✊????
Hahahaha! Awesome!
I like it!
Love. This.
My feelings towards this cheating asshat.
Bwahahahaha
????????????????????❤️perfect!!!
Excellent!
There once was a man with some pluck.
Who wasn’t too picky of his f@$ks.
He led his two lives
With almost two wives
I wish he’d hear “bang” and not duck.
YES!!!!!
That last line is gold!
I made cheese fondue –
You didn’t come that night –
You effing a-hole
There once was a man who was sad
So he cheated to make himself glad
But his choice was a whore
Because he was number four
Now everyone thinks he’s a cad
I couldn’t have written one better myself, Laura! My EX is #4 for his Schmoopie!!! This made me chuckle. Thanks!
My ex is number 4, too! The Schmoopie was married 3 other times—once to a woman. She sleeps with ex #3 (with my ex’s permission??). I should also mention that they met on Craig’s list…one night stand turned twu love. They are both 50 years old—you’d think they’d have grown up a little by now. But nope.
Cheater Bombers fill our sky
Mighty Eagles respond ‘one look one kill’
Sad Sausages litter frozen ground
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
That is absolutely brilliant. Heads up tho – syllables not words.
Many thanks.
there was a haiku
so perfectly imperfect
just like the author
Brilliant!!!
With every single chumpy imperfection, brilliant.
The South is best know for its drawl,
My X’s dick for it being small…
His hand it did play
With it both night and day
Now I dont”t have to see it at allll….
LOL!
This one. This is the one. I am dead
A tiny primrose with a packet of 5 heartshaped biscuits attached. For a celiac.
There once was a wife and a mother
Who loved online gaming—oh brother
She plied her fine whore-craft
On World of Warcraft
And now two trolls priests fuck each other.
Hahahahha! I’m dying… you’re awesome.
Hahahahahah!!!
great as always Nomah
Oh, excellent!!!! LOL!!!
Bravo.
This is fantastic. Well done!
Lugubrious – I learned a new word! But today is gonna be a fun read!!!
My husband thought he was smart.
He thought he’d perfected his art.
But I caught him one night
His cheating finally came to light,
And now we’re living apart!
My ex once was generous and kind
Realised too late he was talking out his behind.
He was told he was good in bed
His ow was psychotic, she must have been hallucinating.
She claims to be a size 6, actually size 20, that’s some hallucination.
All of the above is true. If the ow is reading this I say hi.
He bought jewellery with my money for skank
But forgot I’d see it came out the bank
Fuckwit thought he was clever that way
By showing his love on valentine’s day!!
There once was a cheater named Bear
Who used hookers and Ho-workers for affairs
‘But I never faked a snuggle’
Like I’m some sort of muggle
And now I don’t fucking care.
There once was a despicable louse
Who refused to clean his own house
A pregnant wife needing help
Made him wallow and yelp:
“Poor me! I need a new spouse!”
A very good one! Not a good spouse though.
A dumb buckteethed girl without class
Proved that my husband’s an ass
No condoms, no shame
He said I was to blame
If this is love, thanks but I’ll pass
*Buck-toothed
I tracked with a spreadsheet
So much strange… meat
With ‘Ay Papie’ escorting
And other cavorting
No wonder sex with me was a feat.
LOL Love this!!!
“Southern Gentleman with a Heart So Kind”
Said your profile on Horny Singles Online
Well you’re neither single nor cupid
And I can’t fix stupid
Bless your heart, the Clap nailed you this time
Brilliant}
True story, all of it. You really can’t make this shit up.
omg im dead!!!!
This ????????????
Too funny. You guys are making me laugh more than I have in months
There once was a Howorker Sluterus
Who warmed Cold Slab O’Meat with her pooterus.
I’m no Pick Me Dancer
My Cervical Cancer is a better companion
In truthfulness.
Luz – love you!!!
Said I was cheating
Projection, you think, dummy?
Now I’m gone, for good
There once was a boy named Hank,
Whose sad penis needed a yank,
He left his wife Debbie
For a howorker named Debbie,
Surely, this must be a prank!
You ask why why why
Marie Kondo says keep joy
Out with the trash, ass
Awesome, Creativerational!
There once was a wife who did long
For her friend’s husband’s magical schlong
“Dead bedroom!” was how she rewrote her marriage
So her spouse she could blame and disparage
When her friend, in her bed, found her thong
magical schlong! I’ll be giggling about that all day!
Awesome!
May Eighteen beckons.
You’ll marry Chlorine Special.
Peg him all you want.
May 18th is the day Mt. St. Helens blew up.
Invest in popcorn futures.
The day Mt St Helens blew. That was the day cheaterpants propsed. I mean, the actual day she blew, back in 1980.
THAT was the biggest missed red flag of all!
(Sorry / I am not a poet a I know it! So, I will spare my fellow citizens! Love all ya all)
OOOOOHH — I like that symmetry.
I don’t like Frisbee
But your cousin pretends to.
All this pain for that?
I have to adapt mine to this. It’s too good it’s a good template!
I don’t like Drinking
But “beautiful girl” still does.
All this pain for that?
There once was a man named Chad:
A “country-boy” dressed in plaid.
He fucked his wife’s sister
He was a real PLOWING mister
Until she took everything he had.
^true story.
He once thought his penis was made of gold.
But EVERYONE knows it’s just tarnished and old.
He’s getting fat off the new girl’s kibble
And on her intuition, she’ll begin to nibble….
“Schadenfreude!” The house of cards doth fold.
Perfection!
He named his online profile ‘ken sixty four sixty nine.’
He created an Ashley Madison account because he thought he was fine.
Born in 1964 with Kenneth his middle name.
He was so clever he put a sex position in his online game.
He used my computer, His work computer was off limits because …. can’t cross THAT line.
My wife, our whole life, she did say
I bet you were cheating today
Babe, I’ve been with no one but you
Yet your vagina’s a zoo
Why was I sad you’re away
Vagina’s a zoo! Priceless!!
Nice!
Kelly was a dietician.
She ranted always about nutrition.
But I don’t really think,
As she washed her hair in the sink,
That she saw cum as a welcome addition.
PLUS cum in a drain can clog it. Protein.
Haha! Cum as an addition to hair? Or nutritionally?
That’s a better one though! I was in a hurry. lol!
Kelly was a dietician.
She ranted always about nutrition.
But I don’t really think,
As she rinsed her mouth in the sink,
That she saw cum as a welcome addition.
Yes. 😛
There once was a cheater called Pete
Whose phone with whores was replete
Now the skanks that he fucks
Don’t know that he sucks
But I do so I’ve pressed delete.
Yes!
I have a second stanza!
Hoes have no clue Pete is a fraud
A tawdry squalid old bawd
His pestilent dick
Needs a swift violent kick
Now that is an act I’d applaud
Mine was a “Pete” too. I LOVE this!
love it 🙂
“whose phone with whores was replete”! Fabulous syntax (and scansion)!
There once was a cheater who was pregnant
A Ho-worker became her vagina’s new tenant
What fun she had with her boy toy
Till her husband discovered her ploy
Now she acts all repentant
You wanted to roam
With her to the snowy steppes.
How’s that single van life?
Chump haiku is the bomb. Clever. Concise. Sharp as a blade. Castration blade.
I’m stuck in divorce limbo.
While he carries on with his bimbo.
The first attorney he fired.
Three new law firms he hired.
What an stupid, evil, NPD, Dumbo.
Yep, Yep, Yep…me too.
“Divorce Limbo” — yes, me too. ????
He appeared so loyal and true
But was always looking for an easy screw
Alas he was just a con
Now that everyone has caught on
He’s become a Facebook love guru
There was an old asshole who bought
All his insatiable appetite sought
Then he fucked a young Schmoopie
(His spiritual groupie)
But Oops! The old asshole got caught
He found two wet holes from Moldova
So he fucked the one down in the vulva
The one in the head sucked him instead
Till he said my wife knows so it’s ova’
There once was a lawyer named Nate,
His legal skills were less than top rate,
I got more than half,
It was a laugh,
Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date.
Love it
Excellent!
“Pro tip: when you’re married, don’t date” — That is awesome!
Oh the lure of the magic vagina
Gave him palpitations and bouts of angina
Life wasn’t so sweet
When he was kicked to the street
Now his pity party can be heard in China
OMG…that is fabulous
I told you my soul mate was she
A woman who was our employee
Our marriage I then threw away
So I could seize my new day
And too fucking bad you disagree
Snores to wake the dead
Rotten breath; what was he fed
Gravity takes his sack
Let her shave his back
Shaking my laughing head
let her shave his back…lol YES!
For all the men who think women are interested in shaving their backs-we’re not ! Too cheap to see an aesthetician once a month ? Buy a frickin’ back shaver !
As he approached 50
He freaked out real nifty
Thought his life was a bore
Left to go fuck his whore
We all see he is so shifty
There once was a travelling bachelor
Who said he’s now tamed and wants no other
But my love was no match
For some whore-on-wheels-snatch
So now they swap wiper fluid together.
Fell in love at a homicide trial.
To avoid would be pointless denial.
Let’s abandon our spouses,
Blame-shift so they are the louses!
Then bask in our self-serving guile!
Of course there are casualties, true,
But that doesn’t concern me and you.
Our happiness is all that can matter.
All else is just trivial patter!
When love is this true, what else could we do?
Who cares if we’re decades apart?
True love is not age, but of heart.
We’re such a cliche,
But mustn’t dismay!
We’re clearly too perfect to fart!
Wonder when he’ll tell
The kids that Shmoopsie’s oopsie
Ain’t just ‘mas cookies
Best cure for Mindfuck?
You need to TRUST THAT THEY SUCK.
Last stop: Land of Meh.
Nice one
I’m hoping to win a new book
Because Chumps a’plenty all took
My copy of Leave a Cheater- Gain a Life
Writing in it their notes of fresh strife
And I want newbies to have *their own,* fresh look.
Once there was a specimen of a man, whom everyone treated wrong,
Despite him being perfect, so clever, and oh so strong.
His wife was so mean and controlling she made him suffer
Between her and him, to feel better, he needed a buffer
In form of a willing whore to serve and fuck him all night long.
“My heart” he said “I give to you”
But to those words he was not true
Instead he gave away his heart
To some slutty idiot tart
Which left me shocked confused and blue
Ok, not very snarky but therapeutic anyway. I’ll see if I can come up with something snarky later.
Oh here ya go!!! This makes it all the snarkiest. Just can’t resist. These limericks and haikus are the Bomb. I’m reading this thread late.
My heart” he said “I give to you”
But to those words he was not true
Instead he gave away his heart
To some slutty idiot tart
Which left me shocked confused, fuck you
Written on the card:
“You will always have my heart”
Follow through is hard
perfect
I second that. Perfect.
Condoms in the couch tonight
Not yours you say…kids say that
Not me -what a line
Never tried a Haiku before. I’ll give it a shot:
I thought he was smart
He traded diamonds for shit
I guess I was wrong
Love it!!
Perfect! And so widely applicable!
There once was a lying slutty mother
Who fucked her old step-brother
She was in for such a shock
As she sucked his soft cock
He suffered ED like no other!
*based on a true story
There once was a man built of lies
That he hid when his looked in my eyes
But his whore was a blabber
And good god he can have her
If she only knew ‘bout his “I miss you” cries
Now she was a sight to behold
A tight body of a twenty-year-old
Who blew up his ego
That flew higher than an eagle
And they’re soulmates – or so I’ve been told
Now here’s where the story gets fun
Love runs out when the money is done
He feels so alone
and wants to come ‘home’
As I sit here and clean out my gun
Oh what a great ending. I laughed out loud! These are making my day!
Cheating came easy
Two valentines cards you sent
Mine and another
^^^ ouch, been there, lived that too
It sucked until I could get her out of the house and finalise the divorce, but it has a happy ending.
Mom’s toxic sh*t gone
Three kids and father happy
He got you; I win!
My husband’s penis
And tiny blue penis pills
Have moved to Brooklyn
Today.
Congrats! ????????????
Yay!