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When You Piss Off the Unicorns

I’m sure it will come as a surprise to no one to discover that I am not exactly revered in RIC circles.

You’d think given the entire internet to preach the good news that Affairs Make Your Marriage Stronger (Send Me $400 and I’ll Show You How), they’d leave me out of it. But occasionally one of them gets cheeky and tags me in their tweets.

(Which is fine, really. God knows I discuss them too. Generally stuffed down the long chute of the Universal Bullshit Translator.)

Anyway… blog fodder. Amirite?

It began with a thread from Sean, a sad sausage.

I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Yes, leaf SAD. A blowing autumn leaf, with no compost pile to call home. Or pile to burn in. An unfettered traveler in a strange land. Winter beckons, but he soars on… alone.

Sean was a cheater, but now he blogs to offer “words of encouragement 4 those starting over after betraying their Love, life, & selves.

Okay, Sean. Good on you. I find you a bit goopy, but apparently you’ve grown from the experience.

And because Sean was a dick, he is alone.


C = Schmoopie. K was his wife. He thanks Esther Perel and a host of others for helping him understand his FOO issues that led him to being a dick. The kind of guy who demonstrates his remorse to his ex-wife by publicly pining for his former affair partner, but whatever, the point is HE HAS CHANGED.

And I, Chump Lady, have failed to sufficiently appreciate that.

And in case you don’t recognize yourself as the “sub-tribe of betrayeds” that you are — that’s you Bitter Bunnies over here, with your unicorn skepticism and bad attitude.

It’s at this point, I’m tagged.

Look, Unicorns, you’re kind of proving my point. I say that reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a VERY long shot. Because the kind of character that allows you to cheat is not the sort of character that chooses humility and hard work. Character can change, absolutely, but that work is long and slow. And chumps are not required to make that investment. (I encourage them not to.) I don’t say remorseful cheaters are unicorns — I say the odds of successful reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a unicorn. Something I want to believe it, but is seldom seen. Or entirely mythical.

Sean has NEITHER wife NOR Schmoopie. Ergo he failed at successful reconciliation. He didn’t get the unicorn. One in the CN, column.

Is Sean sorry?

Pining for the affair partner? Doesn’t ooze remorse to me.

Taking offense that people don’t believe him? And some even have the temerity to throw him off their sites? (Rage channel) Aren’t you rocking a better life somewhere? WHO CARES if you’re sorry? Why are you so invested in being misunderstood? Is that a bit victim-y? (Projection)

And Elle of the BetrayedWivesClub — I can’t even snark. The spackle is so thick, it’s just sad.

Of course cheaters are fully human and not Other. You too are projecting. The devaluing, the lack of empathy, the creation of Other, is what a cheater had to do to YOU in order to cheat on you. The sins you see in CN are the sins you fail to acknowledge in your partner.

Fully human people can suck. There is a whole spectrum of human and not all of it needs to be celebrated, or rewarded with your presence.

The message of this blog is appreciate your own humanity. Reject the devaluing, champion self-respect, and never, ever settle for a lopsided relationship.

Good relationships are between equals. Cheater/Chump dynamics are inherently unequal (all the ways are outlined on this blog). But unicorn/human relationships are unequal too. To take back a cheater is to have another kind of unhealthy power imbalance. The ever-so-sorry, bow and scraping Reformed Cheater to the Munificent and All-Forgiving Chump who confers absolution.

Jesus Christ, I’d rather be home with a cat.

Anyway, you guys do you. We’re cool here in our corner. Peace out.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Yes Beetle! A dark, deep chasm. But this guy is spewing enough crap to fill it. I looked at his Twitter feed. ???? He is some kind of special. If anyone wants a good laugh (don’t look during lunchtime if you are easily nauseated), head to Twitter.

      • I refuse to give him kibbles by following this creep on Twitter. I almost wish you hadn’t written this post, CL, because it feels like we are giving this narcissist a big cake fest.

        So now…… how do Chumps feel about abolishing Daylight Savings? I’m all for it!

  • That “leaf on the wind” line was stolen from kamikaze pilots in WWII (fitting), and adopted/popularized by the character Wash from the sci fi movie Serenity. Wash, it should be noted, was a DEVOTED AND FAITHFUL husband. His entire character was defined by his amazing marriage.

  • What a way to start the day. Even cheaters are not interested in what Seany boy has to say.

    The UBT is not groaning and grunting, it’s vomiting.

  • What’s a fuckwit to do for kibbles with neither chump nor schmoopie? So desperate for kibble. I couldn’t freaking understand the word salad but could tell he was longing for ho….

    An attention whore scrambling for image management. Ugh.

    I wish him all the happiness he deserves ????

    • Someone who is pining away for his AP, STILL seeing her as a person he “longs 2bw/” “longs2belong to” (gag) doesn’t get it. There is no remorse there. He is feeling sorry for himself that he can’t be with his twu-luv. Sick. Disgusting. Selfish. Idiot. Fully human. Fully moronic.

      • @LettingGo- from what I read skimming his blog, it seems to indicate the AP has gone full-on ‘no contact’ with his sad sausage arse. He just can’t seem to grasp why. He’s spewing a lot of Naugahyde and BS, but you’re correct. NO remorse. That poor baby.

          • lettingo

            Spot on – he absolutely launched this shallow transparent blog to win Schmoopie back (or an unsuspecting victim over.)

            • Totally to advertise his amazingness to Schmoopie or New Schmoopie, with his phenomenal insight into Life, Love and Self.

              (Notice the tragedy of betraying himSELF!! Oh woe!)

              Also to advertise his tender, loving heart.

              “To apply for sky-painting position on the Shore of My Awesomeness, simply email my very Human and Fallible Penis (which we can get sunburnt together, oh I’m witty and naughty too!)”

  • Oh Chump Lady, how thee I love you, let me count the ways!

    And oh feckless Sean, you just received the clap back smackdown you deserve. Off you fuck, only the superb sub-tribe of the betrayed gather here.

  • Have you all in CN ever come to the conclusion that they’ve all had some kind of collective breakdown when they come out with stuff like this. It’s drivel, just incoherent ramblings. Insane. I suppose having lost it gets more brownie points and sympathy that be an absolute a-****. Hence image management. I would be so embarrassed if I posted something like this. Clearly not my tribe.

    • No breakdown. Consistent entitlement, selfishness and lack of empathy for others. Entitled even to the forgiveness and entitled to have no major or lasting consequences for their fucked-up choices.

      Stupidity? Yup. Narcissism? Sure. Breakdown? Nah, they’re functioning JUST FINE, as they always do.

      That’s the difference between disordered PERSONALITY and a mental ILLNESS. People who are ill were once functioning well, and will likely function well again. But personality? That doesn’t change.

    • Maybe some of them are having legitimate breakdowns, but usually it’s just self-indulgent histronics. After all, they can’t be responsible for their actions. They are simply buffeted by the winds of fate, winds which blew them right between the OP’s legs – what’s a person to do? And now, now, that they are suffering consequences? Oh woe! The terrible-ness of it! Clearly nothing has ever been as terrible in the history of terrible as anything bad that could happen to me – ME!

      • Yep, mine spent 2 weeks in bed, in a fetal position after I told him I was leaving. I was like “Really? I thought you’d be thrilled, now you get to have all the men you want over to the house, you don’t have to lie, and sneak around, and meet in hotels at lunch….. of wait, that was part of the thrill wasn’t it?” It absolutely killed him that I didn’t feel sorry FOR HIM, for HIS LOSS. Unbelievable.

    • I just read this Sean guy’s Twitter & blog (well, skimmed in 30 seconds to get through it) and promptly vomited. It’s the same self-important histrionics my ex would have written, with the 2nd-grade writing level to match.

    • The standard word salad crap. And, you are right, many of these folks are drawn to this type of garbage way of expressing themselves. It is part of the whole ” I am more” evolved” than your standard peasantry, the peasantry that is not above the rule, like me.”
      These poor folks are burdened with occupying such a higher plane of existence, no wonder they are forced to cheat and lie to tolerate life.

    • Just call me a member of the sub-tribe (“othering” us much?) of strong people who aren’t taking that shit!!! These entitled losers (oh, my bad “othering” again) are delusional assholes. Poor Sean, both women had the sense to see him for exactly what he is and he is left to pine away on social media. No, he isn’t a narcissist, not at all.

      As my dad used to say, he needs to take a long walk off a short pier. Preferably at sunset by a beautiful beach…

    • I’ve seen posts from someone named Elle here in recent threads. No dismissal that I’m aware of. I think she meant her view that we need to acknowledge the humanity of the cheaters (it makes me gag to write that – she clearly missed the point of CN) was dismissed, not her personally.

      • I stand corrected. The recent poster I was thinking of is “Ell” not “Elle”. Two different people from what I can see. Sorry Ell!

        • I just reread that briefly and apparently I explained all this several years ago. An interesting aside on “do they change” — neither my brother nor his wife (he met in NA) do meetings (or apparently sobriety) anymore. So, my one unicorn trying hard example of hope did not turn out to be a unicorn. Not to dash anyone’s dreams, but…

          • Funny “Ellie” showed up on HS (RLC on steroids), the writing style is the same. She may be the same person. On that site, she was the “OW” that had been cheated on. And wanted to post. Man, talk about the shitstorm that came from that. I had my suspicions of who she really was…

          • No, they do NOT change. My father cheated ( with other men and women) on my mother. he is 80 now, remarried, and isn’t as careful as he should be. I’ve found evidence that he is still cheating ( someone I know who is gay was arranging a hook up with him online, until they saw his picture and realized who he was ). My brother also cheated on his wife with both men and women, is also remarried and continues to cheat. My ex-husband cheated on me for years with men, and was not careful about changing his passwords to gay hookup sites, so I peeked last year. He is cheating on his partner. Unicorns do not exist in my world.

  • All this guys’ posts are highly confusing. It was quite a shock to me to read after being chumped numerous times in a 27-year marriage that love is not meant to be confusing.
    I am much happier these days to be at home with my cats – very much less confusing.

  • Yeah, ol’ Sean lost me with “I am a leaf on the wind”. Nope, I’m pretty sure the wind you refer to is just the hot air coming out your ass, Sean. You’re not a leaf on the wind, you’re a fart in the air and you stink.

    Oh and Elle can go fuck herself with that “sub-tribe of betrayed” nonsense. She gets no sympathy from me for being a spackle queen. We are not a sub-tribe. We are a clan, a nation, a kingdom and a family. And we are mighty.

      • Hey I loved Wash’s line “Leaf on the wind” line and resented this doofus for stealing it (and of course not attributing it).

        But WTF did he mean using it? I don’t get it. I don’t get his whole post and I’m seriously trying to.

        Why on earth would you post about your schmoopie WHILE pretending to have remorse for shitty behavior?? Even now, after all his “growth”, he’s still not spotting the real victim.

        And it ain’t him and it ain’t schmoopie.

        This dashes my hopium based delusion that someday I’ll get an apology from the DOCTOR.

        So I guess that’s a good thing.

  • Wow. No real remorse, except that he lost his long walks on the beach with Tru Luv Schmoopie…..

    No mention of how he has sought to make amends for all these regrettable, unfortunate “lapses” in character. Because the real problem seems to how bitter and judgmental the betrayed are…..Sound familiar, chumps?

    I hope his ex-wife has found her Meh.

    • MehBeSoon,

      First, seeing Sean’s photo and reading his sad story makes me happy I’m single.

      I’ve never known a Cheater to accept full responsibility.
      They all claim to be great guys, the Chump’s fault, The bitterness and judginess of the Chump was probably why they cheated in he first place. The betrayed need to accept responsibility..

      I too hope his ex wife has found her Meh.

      • He liked being in the “place he loved”…my bet is that K earned some money which allowed CheaterSean to live in a nice place he otherwise 1) wouldnt have been able to afford 2) wouldnt have been able to entice Schmoopie with. How many Cheaters presented an appealing home/promise of good-life to Schmoopie that the Chump was actually paying for?

    • Good God it reminds me of the Limited. Making the OW the end all be all to prop up a sad sausage. What’s interesting to me is the package the OW signed up for when infatuated with an illusion. Yeah, giving up a life to fuck strange has it’s pressures and resentments when the beach is closed for high bacteria levels.

  • I wish all the disordered dingbats would just stay in their little cesspool. Elle can do their apologizing and blow smoke up their asses all she wants; when you are done doing that Elle, come sit by us.

    And give me a break with this “other” virtue signaling bullshit! Goddam right you disordered asshats are OTHER and deserve discrimination. I refuse to be told it is wrong to discern right from wrong, faithful from cheating.


    • YES!!! This bears highlighting: It is ABUSIVE to suggest people should stop discerning right from wrong! It’s what got us all here in the first place, Elle, because we “didn’t want to judge” !!!! Well, we SHOULD HAVE judged that we deserved better, and much earlier on!

  • Something I’ve noticed about all sorts of aspects of life is that there are always some people who want to really sell you on how great something is, whether it’s themselves, or something they identify with that is important to them. It’s important to them that you understand this greatness, too!

    I grew up in a small town where a lot of the older folks would profess about how great of a place this was to live. I remember thinking as a kid, “If this place is as great as all these adults tell me, wouldn’t I be able to just experience it and figure that out for myself?” (I haven’t lived there for over ten years and don’t miss it a bit.)

    I don’t think it’s impossible for someone who cheated to eventually grow into a better person (though I do think it’s very unlikely), but it’s certainly not going to come from someone on full display like this about how They’ve Learned and They’re Living A Better Life Now and yada yada. Stop telling me about what a better person you are, and just go live a decent life from this point forward, be a better person to those around you and in your circle, and let it be that.

    I tend to find most of the goodness I’ve seen in life in quieter, reserved, unexpected people and places rather than from where all the flashing signs point, the twitter #hashtags trend, and the shitty self-congratulatory parades are thrown.

    • “…it’s certainly not going to come from someone on full display like this…”
      Yep! I agree. As CL has pointed out in the past, Cheaters often excel at image management. That’s all this is, image management (and trolling for kibbles).

  • Whoooooooa Nellie.

    His website proclaims: “A Repentance Project” For someone who purports to be writing and speaking from a place of sincere regret and remorse, he spends an awful lot of time, energy and screen real estate lashing out at others in exasperation.

    The upshot seems to be: my ex and schmoopie were unduly influenced by “others” when they should have been listening to my words (and ignoring the evidence of my past behavior).

    • My ex used to tell me, “You judge me by my actions!” Well, no shit, that’s what normal people do. Glad to know that he lost them both, and will probably be alone for the rest of his life after posting all his business for the world to see. The Narcs need to stop vying for attention that no one will give them any longer. This guy is really character disordered on top of everything else. They only attack CN because they are a war with the truth.

    • “A Repentance Project” For someone who purports to be writing and speaking from a place of sincere regret and remorse, he spends an awful lot of time, energy and screen real estate lashing out at others in exasperation.

      No mention of therapy, his ex’s feelings, or trying to make it up to her with a generous post-nup, alimony, a fair split on the house, etc.

      I mean, I’m guessing. I gave up trying to skim his verbal diarrhea after about 30 seconds, but I saw little to no mention of his ex or whether he tried to make their split easier on her.

      Let’s be honest, he almost certainly didn’t. Fifty bucks says he fought her for every stick of furniture and tried to sabotage divorce proceedings every step of the way.

      True repentance would require selflessness, remorse, and putting his money where his mouth is. (Quite literally, via his wallet.)

      Much easier to start a free blog about how sorry you feel for yourself and call it repentance, even though it requires no effort and no real amends to your ex. Sounds like about the same amount of effort he put into his marriage, frankly.

      • If you know any combination of his and her first and last names you can google his divorce court record via the Wisconsin Court Access System. That’ll tell you how repentant he is.

        When I saw Wisconsin, the lakefront and silver hair I thought OMG that’s my sociopath ex husband with a new angle. But alas, just another aging disordered asshole blaming others for the consequences of his shitty behavior. Sigh.

    • Oh, how they want to cling to that narrative regardless of having the OW/OM.

      If only the chump knew their place in the disordereds life. And when we no longer fit that role we become the other. Damn, five years out I’m blamed for the lifestyle he never obtained.

      It’s really about sitting and bathing in their own shit. It’s stinky.

    • He seems to be oh so surprised at um…consequences for what he’s done to other people.

      Now he’s just a bitter bunny spewing hate on the internet since he’s sans schmoop and san chump

  • This is perfect timing on the heels of yesterday’s post about where are all the single good men. As I’m entering the dating world (or at least trying to) this is a glaring view of the kind of men I want to avoid at all costs. Oh, but they make such an effort to appear humble, introspective, genuine and self actualized….”when we were married she deserved better” ….but I sure kept her dancing, didn’t I. I am THOR!

    RUN Forrest! RUN!!
    Thank you, NEXT.

    Chump lady- thank you for saving my sanity, and quite possibly my life.

    • Yeah, I was told by my X Asshat that he didn’t deserve me as he abandoned me to go crawl into the bed of a chick our daughter’s age.

      He was right, he doesn’t deserve me.

      Being aware that you are a pile of dog shit and doing nothing to change it is a cognitive dissonance I couldn’t live with.

    • Yes…what I meant to include in yesterdays post was something akin to my recent adulting lesson to my daughter who is now in the adult dating world. I encouraged her to listen to what men said about their exes…for us older folks, ALL of them will tell you it was the spouses fault and 80% of them are lying. How can you discern one from another?

      In my case I watched newhusband carefully and could see that his version was true. He did not disparage his first spouse, he ALWAYS found time for his child (even when it was a serious hardship), he prioritized his childsupport payments WAY over any activity or trip we considered, he sent me copies of his annulment decree.

      • @unicornomore, “I encouraged her to listen to what men said about their exes…for us older folks, ALL of them will tell you it was the spouses fault and 80% of them are lying. How can you discern one from another?”
        Where does that leave us chumps? I was a good, faithful, loving husband. I wasn’t perfect, but I gave it my all. She was a cheater who destroyed our finances and neglected the children. She wasn’t all bad, but she was bad in ways that were very important. If I ever enter the dating pool again and someone presses for details, what do I say? It really is all her fault that we are divorcing. I have a feeling I will be looked at with suspicion. It might be better to just remain single.

        • You tell them, when asked, that she had an affair behind your back and that it gutted you.

          The ones who don’t instantly ask what role you played in “making her” cheat aren’t immediately consigned to the “nope” pile.

  • I love being here with my fellow chumps. It gets my ‘mind right’ before facing the day. (I think ‘get your mind right’ is a line from
    Cool Hand Luke.) In the movie, it means Become Subservient to the prison authorities. I think if it as the opposite-stand strong in your independent thought and inherent knowledge that cheaters rarely, if ever, feel remorse.

    • ^^This^^ Reading CL each morning is like putting on Mightiness Armor. Even though I still often feel puny underneath it, it’s both protection and something to aspire to.

  • This is a brilliant response to that dude’s pity narrative. They really take their nask off when they are looking for kibbles from the CN.

  • He needs to return to elementary school. I think he was sleeping through Aesop’s Fables.

    The boy who cried wolf.
    -man told a lot of lies to both women, lost his honor with both, and now he cries over it.
    The truth is that a relationship with either woman is next to impossible. Trust is so blow. He needs to chill, fix himself and volunteer somewhere. He’s too wrapped up in HIM.

    A master and his dogs.
    Can’t trust a man who hurts his own family.

    The tortoise and the eagle.
    If men had all they wished, they would be ruined.

    The flies and the honeypot.
    Pleasure bought with pain, hurts

    The Labrador and the snake
    No one truly forgets injuries in the presence of him who caused the injury.

    The sick stag
    Evil friends hurt more than help

    And my fifth grade teacher who caught us cheating on long division
    ‘He who cheats, cheats himself the most.’

    He was very happy when he was cheating, so much that he still wants that thrill of false, forbidden lust. I don’t pity him. He’s stuck in the past.

  • Oh geez, how timely my Sean has been trying to come back for about a year and a half now. Reckons he ‘is not that person anymore’ I tell him he must be some kind of mythical unicorn. As part of his relentless love bombing he gave me a unicorn head plant holder with a succulent in it. I kept it for a while then through it in the bin and resumed the joy that is LC.
    Time will tell if he is a unicorn but I won’t be hanging around for that. I trust the good Dr Phil ‘past behaviour is the best indictator of future behaviour’
    Oh and Sean’s word salad rubbish just sounds like my ex, their minds are like the sideshow mirrors at the circus.

    • Hahaha! A unicorn succulent holder??? These guys are just jokes. Sean doesn’t seem to realize what a goopy (great word), repulsive joke he comes across as. I was wondering if he found a copy of Tracy’s book on K’s night stand…hopefully before she kicked him out. I hope she is laughing at him like we are all laughing about a unicorn pot.

      • Damn wished I had taken a photo of it, was very cute. I once mentioned a site I read for help, this one and he said, oh it must be full of bitter women???????? (what I wanted to do to his head)
        He is a complete dumbass and I see now how completely he invalidated any thought, theory or feeling I ever had, 14 years of fuckery.
        I learnt a new term today, its called ‘reactive abuse’ that’s what I served back to prevent my life being tanked by a Narc.

        • Lady B, I was so happy to learn about “reactive abuse” too. I never once hit or swore at my ex-husband our entire marriage. The only spanking I did to my kids was spanking my sons hand a few times and my daughter had no spankings as I felt so bad for hurting my sons hand. I’m not a physically abusive person at all.

          But six months after D-day, I “lost it” on Easter Sunday. My ex wouldn’t leave our house even though he wanted a divorce. The stress of living with him was slowly killing me and my heart was so broken, I just wanted to die. Easter Sunday I got yelled at at church by my ex-MIL. She said horrible things to me that she later said, “I never said that.” Now I know where her son learned how to gaslight. Long story short, my ex came home from his parents and we got into a big fight. We had never fought like this before. He then said to me, “Hit me, hit me” while pointing at his cheek. And I hit him right in the lip. Maybe twice, but I don’t remember. It was like a floodgate got opened and once opened, I couldn’t close it. I had never been so angry in my life! We then had a few more instances like that. I couldn’t believe this was me, because I had never been like that my entire life. I felt so bad and even apologized to my ex for hitting him. I didn’t know why I was acting like this. This was not me, but I was being abusive.

          It was a huge relief to read about reactive abuse. He had been emotionally and psychologically abusing me since the beginning of our relationship and marriage. The lies, cheating, gaslighting, etc built-up over the years, but I didn’t realize it was building inside of me. And one day I just snapped and started to let out with swear words and facts all he had done to me. The gate was open and it would never close again on my ex.

          My ex is a pathological liar, so I have no doubt in my mind that he’s told anyone that would listen, that I was like this our entire marriage. He’s told so many lies about me and our marriage, so it wouldn’t surprise me a bit that this was one of his many lies. I’m no longer like this. The rage and anger are 100% gone. I channeled the anger fuel into packing up my belongings and moving out on him.

          I have mentioned this before at CN, but I sometimes think of Tiger Woods ex-wife who went after him with a golf club. I’m sure that incident was out of character for her too, but on that night she “lost it” with her serial cheater. No one understands something like this unless it happened to them too.

          • Martha, that’s me exactly. I have always been so laid back I could fall over … until after so many years of living with a fuckwit and I snapped. He used to get right in my face screaming and frothing his spittle all over me. Eventually that turned to punching too, but just the in-your-face screaming pushed me over the edge and I started screaming back. And the language! I had no need to swear, it just wasn’t in my nature. I do now – and guess why – although I have tried to rein it way back in because I don’t like it. It’s amazing what constant abuse can turn you into isn’t it!

            • Meditation for March 28, 2019:
              Just for today I won’t be a leaf blowing in the wind. I will be the mighty oak that shed it. I will sustain my deeply planted roots through the Autumn, and the cold of winter. I will celebrate the coming of Spring. I will put forth all my energy and regenerate new leaves. I will live and grow. Just for today I am the tree and not the leaf!
              Love you CN.

          • Same here. 2 months after my ex abondoned us to go live with howorker, who is just a ‘friend’, I snapped when he turned up late to pick the baby up despite agreeing to have him an hour earlier (he would try to control me by only having the baby 3-4 hours at a time so I had no free time). He made some stupid excuse and i snapped, grabbed the unbrella and kept hitting him till he got out the house, then followed him into the street and had a full breakdown at him. he sat in his car calmly calling the police and i only came to my senses when I saw how distressed my son was in the car.

            He made sure I was issued with the highest caution they could give as I admitted to assulting him when the police arrived. I had to be interviewed, have my dna, fingerprints and photo put on record in the cells and attend a domestic abuse course. FYI the only damage i did was a bruise on his arm and a couple small dent on the car (he tried to claim it would write off the car!!!)

            i know now i would never do such a thing again. he tried to goad me a month after the incidend and i stood my ground and said i would call the police if he doestn leave as he was harrasing me.

    • Bohemian Rhapsody, the scene when Mercury comes back to the band. He says simply, “what can I do to make it right?” No blameshifting. Then he gives equal money and equal credit rights to the songs. No extra kibbles for him. Then he acknowledges that the other band member’s critical thinking made the group’s songs best. Respect for others contributions.

      I think that’s a good indicator of a unicorn. A unicorn in Freddie Mercury.

      • @MeowMix- I think Freddie might have been the last true unicorn. He made a lot of bad decisions but made most of his mistakes as right as he could in the end, with humility and respect. <3

  • That “I’m a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.” Bit, is EXACTLY the sentiment that is on the Facebook page of the cheating ex wife of a guy I dated. I thought it was stupid.WTF does it even mean?

    • Mine had a line he pulled on me and the OW to make him sound well read and wistful. Some bullshit poem about meeting where the ocean meets sky and the river meets,, something and some crap about looking at the same stars.
      People without souls can only imitate no create.

    • I kind of think he saw American Beauty. There is a scene where Ricky Fitts says that the most beautiful thing he ever saw was a plastic bag being blown around by the wind. It seemed like the bag was asking him to dance with it. He imagined it meant that there was some benevolent force guiding everything and that there was nothing to be afraid of ever. My thoughts? Sometimes a wind-blown piece of garbage is just a wind-blown piece of garbage.

      A leaf in the wind? Useless organic matter shed after it has outlived its usefulness.

      Also, I hate the way Sean writes.

    • WTF. Leaves don’t soar.

      They are dried up, used up vestiges of the past, flopping around wherever the world decides to deposit them, briefly and temporarily. Eventually they become a gooey mess behind the trash bins, getting moldy and getting eaten by worms and slugs, and eventually their smelly mess is gathered up in an indistinct mass and composted, forgotten.

      At least leaf compost can help other things grow, so maybe the metaphor of learning from the nonsense these “leaves” spew is their fertilizer to help us see the for who they are. We grow.

      Soar. Delusional.

    • It’s the narcissist’s attempt to sound smarter and more important than they really are.

      They don’t understand empathy and don’t use language to form connections with people. Instead, they use language to impress and bludgeon. To look flowery without any substance. To say something pretty with no meaning behind it.

      So they don’t understand how to write anything authentic or meaningful, which is why they sound so tone deaf and ridiculous, and why they’re angry when their victims call them on their lies. Because in the narcissist’s mind, they can even rewrite the very meaning of language.

      • “They don’t understand empathy and don’t use language to form connections with people. Instead, they use language to impress and bludgeon. To look flowery without any substance. To say something pretty with no meaning behind it.”

        My ex considers himself a master of the written word and bragged often about co-ho-workers coming to him to proofread their letters, etc.

        About ten years ago he was asked to write a piece about his life after graduation from his universities honors program. It was a total fluff piece with flowery language and his attempt at wit. Not one mention of his beautiful, faithful, dedicated and hard-working wife of 13 years or his two amazing children. It was all about the romanticized version of himself and his job. His family wasn’t even on his radar when he wrote. His wife who held everything up at home while he worked six days a week from morning until bedtime, minus his time spent with the fam at dinner. I remember reading the piece before he handed it in to get published and was hurt that we weren’t mentioned, but I didn’t say anything because he would have probably said, “I can’t do anything right!” Now I know all of this was a part of his game of grooming his harem. He could never let on that he had a great wife and family. It wouldn’t go with the stories he was telling behind my back to his “healthy female friends”. He once changed his profile picture on Facebook to a beautiful picture of the two of us on vacation. The picture was up for one day and then he changed it back to the one of just him and our son. That hurt too and I didn’t say anything, because I’d be told I was overreacting or some other crap to justify his actions. Now I know a lot of his harem were his friends on Facebook and his whore du jour that he left me for was also his “friend” on Facebook. He was a faithful, loving husband actor at home and a totally different person when he walked out the door. He needed to make sure what he was putting out their for the public to see matched up with what he was saying behind my back.

  • Sean: human; fallible; easily sunburnt; massive twat

    I bet his wife spent most of the marriage in a mental fog with that wally twittering his drivel in her ear.

  • I love how these people play the victim. I will always remember C with that picture? What about the wife he betrayed, hurt, and now further humiliated THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA… They have a habit of trying to sound noble. The Ex had the nerve to say on one of his social media pages: you are the hero in one person’s story, and the villain in another. I shit you not. They see themselves as characters in some romantic tragedy. Yes, for them: the unicorn is real, it just won’t cooperate.

    • Cheaters value non-cheaters. All their bleating about being “devalued by” and regarded as “others” simply underscores that being noticed, important to, respected by and even wanted by honorable people is STILL more valuable to them than getting it from other cheaters. It’s the difference between real gold and fool’s gold.

      The more they go fuck off and quit tormenting those they have betrayed, the better. Go forth. Start fresh. Don’t be a lying, cheating asswipe. Pay whatever you are told to pay. Be generous to the betrayed spouse in negotiations instead of underscoring what a greedy, selfish, entitled fuckwit you have been for so long. Make it a habit not to be a vile person.

  • Ah, yes. Elle and the Betrayed Wives Club. That was the first blog I found after dday 5 years ago. The spackle was definitely strong with that.

  • Poor Sean, he only wants understanding, he said he’s sorry.
    Not his fault, he had FOO issues, what’s the world coming to?
    Where’s your compassion???

    Sounds to me like Sad Sean is horny and he’d take anyone.

  • Sean Cms 2me2B sum1 hu purposlE complic8s his commUniKtion 2 cuvr up the bllsht Bneath.

    Chtrs off10 du.

  • What goes around comes around. Not a drop of sad for his wife. I think these dudes pick up lines of poetry to impress chicks with their intellectuality. He really has no idea what that line means. Most cheaters just don’t have a clue.

    • Trudy, I’m sure they do pick up lines from poetry they’ve read somewhere or hear in a movie then use them to impress chicks. When my ex left he began posting sappy lines from poets and philosophers on his fb.
      All the years I’d known Cheater he laughed at poetry, especially love poems. Cheater, like Sean had no idea what the poetry lines he posted meant. All he knew is it it made him appear to be an intelligent, introspective, sensitive guy and girls fell for it. I can imagine my Cheater pretending to cry as he recited lines of poetry for the added attention.
      More evidence to support the fact that I never knew who I was married to.

      • Remember, cheaters have no imagination. They use the same lines, lies, patterns on many. Even go to the same places.

  • Is it me, or does “empathy, clemency and understanding” really mean “agreeing not to enact consequence”?

  • “Of course cheaters are fully human and not Other. You too are projecting. The devaluing, the lack of empathy, the creation of Other, is what a cheater had to do to YOU in order to cheat on you. The sins you see in CN are the sins you fail to acknowledge in your partner.”

    This is brilliant. Oh how my “spiritual” Switzerland “friends” loved to point out how I was “othering” my abuser (Who is such a fantastic person!????).
    This is really nothing other than pure gaslighting. Abuse piled on top of abuse.

    • Who was confronting the cheaters for treating us as others?
      I am sure that my Cheater did not even remember that I was a person.
      I was a useful means to an end.

      • Was I a person? No. I was an APPLIANCE who did all the adult stuff in our marriage while he planned elaborate hookups with the OW, with women from Craigslist, with hookers.

  • Does Sean know you made him famous?!?!?

    I would love for him to come on hear and read these comment so he knows that his personal actions raped someone’s soul. Even some RIC guys like Dr. William Harley states that affairs causes more trauma/ptsd then some of his rape victims.

    • Exactly !! Has anyone ever wondered why that in just about every society for the entirety of human history (except for the last 200 years) Adultery was punishable by DEATH ?

      Maybe all of our ancestors realized the absolute carnage that cheating and the destruction of families can cause. The destruction of the family in the last 60 years is the cause of 80% of our societal problems.
      In my case and most of yours, one very selfish immoral person utterly decimated our families.
      Sure, eventually scars heal but they never go away and the damage done is often permanant.

      Losers like Sean who put on his victim hat and boohoos with psychobabble can piss off ! He’s just mad that he got caught and did not pass Go or collect $200.

      • Not to get off on a tangent, LG, but . . . I think you’re waxing a bit too poetic about “the good old days” when adultery was supposedly more forcefully shunned. I would argue that for most of human history, adultery was not only tolerated but expected.

        The only ones who would have been put to death for it would have been those of the extremely lower classes who ran afoul of the established religious dogma (particularly the women). Think of the British aristocracy of the early and middle ages — not too much suppression of adultery in the name of happy families there. Expand that out to all of the other empires and kingdoms the world has seen.

        The breakup of the family is a societal problem. Adultery is one potential cause of that problem. But the havoc they wreak did not suddenly tart becoming a problem 60 yeas ago. .

        • No it didn’t just start 60 years ago, but doesn’t it seem like it has been on meth and steroids since about then? And yes certain social classes have always gotten away with more, because having money and power is like that–you get away with more in every realm. But yet, my grandmother’s generation were allowed to more actively ostracize and denounce cheating/cheaters without getting publicly shamed and lectured on forgiveness. I know this because I actively heard her and a large group of ladies at their “garden club” one time. The members were not all close friends, there were about 40 women there. I was helping serve lunch. One woman said something very disparaging about a couple who cheated and the man’s family broke up over it. She went on at some length. Many nodded their heads and assented it was horrible behavior. NOT one of the other women (some of whom did not particularly even like this member) said anything about how she or the man’s wife should forgive. Not one said a thing about how the cheaters were really “nice people” or “so in love.” Not one said “you never know what the other person (betrayed spouse) was like at home.” Not one said “Well he must have had needs she wasn’t filling.” It seemed to be pretty universally acknowledged that cheating was shitty and betrayed people were the actual victims– not the cause.

          I do think there was a shift in our culture that basically seemed to say there are no bad people. There is a general shift that the only behavior people seem to think is bad in our culture is actually judging a behavior as bad. I am so tired of hearing that no one ever has any right to judge any behavior as “wrong,” even when they are the person who has been grievously wronged! During my lifespan as an adult this has pretty much been elevated to near sacred cow.

        • I always think of Henry the 8th, who beheaded two women on trumped up charges of adultery, but was a serial cheater with overlapping relationships and that was A-ok.

          Good old days only seemed to realate to the wife appliance.

        • What, the good ole days 60 years ago? It wasn’t until 1973 that people across the US could divorce without fault, (proving adultery, cruelty or desertion). At the same time laws limiting women’s financial capabilities were in place. And these laws meant many women were trapped in domestic violence or with an adulterer, with no way to get away. Back then men cheated and it was winked at (President Kennedy, prime example), women who cheated were shamed and vilified, plenty of them were sent to jail for adultery. Men were not shamed for adultery, only women. Not such good days. No thanks, don’t want to go back to that.

          • Don’t get me wrong, I fully know how things were in history and the abuses.
            My main point was that most societies around the World have always realized how destructive cheating and Adultery are.

            In all of our lifetimes though, socially there have been wonderful things like womens, minority and gay rights. However the destruction of the nuclear family due to cheating and divorce has led to many of the social problems that we have today. That is another discussion for another day.

          • Today isn’t perfect either. Women now have incentives to divorce their husbands for any reasons and often do, since women file the majority of all divorces in the U.S. by a large margins. With the state forcing husbands to pay large payouts.

            That’s why many men refuse to get married. Plus there are growing movements like Red Pill and MGTOW. Don’t get me wrong I’m not part of them. But I would definitely require a prenuptial agreement for the next marriage. Surprisingly most women I talk to are ok with it. The ones who aren’t are normally looking for a wallet to suck.

            • That’s just not true. Where do you live? I didn’t get a big payout in my divorce. Neither did my mother 40 years ago or two female friends in their divorces. Your statement is overly simplistic.

              Many women file because their men don’t want to give up cake and drag their feet. My ex was texting and calling his ho-worker from our home, kids soccer games, or the car while I drove. When I was led to believe we were “working on our marriage”. Or women do so to prevent their husbands from dissipating/hiding assets in the months leading up to the inevitable. Especially if they’re stay at home moms (me again).

              I gave up a great career at age 31 to be at home raising my kids for 10 years. I got 55% of the marital assets (except the house) to his 45% because I would never be able to get my career back to where it would’ve been had I not provided HIM the service of caring for HIS children, unpaid, during my prime career growth years. But I had to accept a full 50% of the debt. So nope. No big payout.

              You’re making a big assumption that the first to file comes out with a larger share. That’s just not the case and your claim does more harm to people here than good. But like you, my ex sure thinks he got a bum deal. He also has tried to get out of paying child support 3 times. Thank god for garnishment!

              • I work for the largest legal company in the United States. Infidelity plays a smaller part in divorce. Most woman divorce because they no longer feel connected to their husbands. They feel life is better outside their marriage and have girlfriends encouraging them to do so. Most women who walk into the lawyers office, their eyes light up when they find out they are entitled to 25-35% of their husbands GROSS income before taxes in child support alone, often past 18 years old if the child is in college. There is often an additional double digit income in maitnence/alimony that can last as long as half the years you were married or longer. Plus any continuing education expenses to help the ex wife assimilate back into the working world. Once again from GROSS income. These are facts. No fault marriage laws has increased the problem as you can see in the number of growing divorces in the past few decades. To deny this is false. I help get new clients by marketing these benefits to those who are interested in getting a divorce. What’s worse, with no fault marriage laws. Cheaters can get these benefits since infidelity no longer denies them these benefits.

                I didn’t get a raw deal. I have full custody of the kids, the house, and without a single penny of support from my ex. But I have compassion for good men who want to stay married. But their wives ripped their families apart and make them pay for it in the process

                It’s time everyone to take marriage more seriously and writes their own marriage contracts (prenuptials) if they are serious about living in a committed marriage for life

              • You’d convince me if I’d ever met any woman who actually experienced what you’re describing. Maybe it’s a local thing.

                Cheaters clearly aren’t serious about commitment. Just pretending they are.

            • A lot of women file because her husband can’t be bothered to do it. It takes effort and it’s not fun so let the chump do it.

              They are all too happy to cake eat as long as the chump puts up with it.

            • Your experience probably relates to the type of clients who can afford you.

              You’re talking about the men as the main breadwinner with lucrative careers and she was a sahm.

              I know far more women with lucrative careers as well as those with low to average income working lower paid positions. Far too many where she works and he doesn’t, due to drugs or whatever. These people aren’t getting huge settlements and alimony. These people are more the norm than the wealthy.

            • Actually my ex who was the one who cheated …gaslit and generally was an asshole was the one who jimmied about and took more than was rightfully his….he then proceeded to lie and cheat again to avoid child support all the while being allowed to get away with such behavior….i think its more the person who plays dirty gets the advantage in most cases ….i dislike no fault laws ….i think if they cheat…..they should leave and have a set amount ….not 50 % ….they already are way ahead of us from cheating and abusing us chumps financially

    • Sean?
      This twad has a name?
      I thought it was random generic cheater postings taken from the same cheater play book.

  • That was hard to read.

    Sean is 3edgy5me. He writes leik a kewl 1337 haxx0r from 2006.

    How many emojis did he have to delete from his rant to fit the character limit?

  • Never respond to baseless accusations, it lends them a level of validity that they don’t deserve. Let them hate. They are not living their best lives if they are on a website whining about you or whining about having lost BOTH of their loves. Let natural consequences teach them.

  • His messages are so full of text-speak and overblown metaphors, I could barely read it. I eventually gave up. He sounds like a 14-year old girl.

  • I think it’s so wonderful you are tagged even if it was meant to insult your message for the chump nation. People will hit the link and read stuff here and while you’ll still have haters, good people will have more ways to stumble into sanity. It would probably be a good idea for more chumps to take to the RIC sites and post links, drive readership and activate a chump warrior network. Link Chump Lady on Divorce Law blogs, F&M Counseling sites, Amazon Book reviews on saving your marriage, Comment sections on bullshit cheater articles on Huffington, Pin articles on Pinterest… use any and all available channels and blitz the link. “Here we stand as a community of support- come join us!” Copy and paste!

    • I told my family counsellor about chump lady — she didn’t know about it (but she wrote it down). She did, however, send me a link to Esther Perel in the early days (so I told her that Esther seems to romanticize cheating), I do, overall, like this counsellor. She really tries to get me to focus on me. It was interesting as at our first session (as I was bawling and still wanting to save my marriage) she told me that often middle aged men (especially those with FOO issues – his Mom is a cold fish and Dad was pretty absent) have set up this scenario where you did not meet some emotional need (usually not expressed) and they see this as betrayal and then turn on you. She said he will most likely not be able to ever accept responsibility for what he did or be emotionally available (I like to think of it as the black hole within his soul).

  • Sean reminds me of the type of person that morally equivocates every he does but when something is done to him, it is obviously wrong. The two entries I have read show me that he has learned nothing and is happily spending all of his rather copious amounts of time justifying what he feels.

    This is an excellent example of someone NO ONE should every get involved with in any way. He takes no responsibility, does no real heavy lifting for growth (but pretends to have an open mind, but is defensive in a heartbeat) and is pretty good at making himself feel good with quotes from others. This is a person that will do this again to others happily.

    He is also an excellent example of someone who can blow a lot of smoke and I bet some would find this attractive, but the actions of a man make more than the Suit or the Word. From what I have read so far, his words are plentiful but mean nothing and he is far more interested in justifying himself than anything else. Esther can have this one, he is of her “mature” elk. I’ll happily stay over here, keeping my commitments,finding right and wrong in life, following through on my word and trying to be the person of character I want to be.

    Let pigs eat his word salad, it smells rancid anyway.

    • On D-Day, I threw a beer bottle at his truck as he was pulling into the driveway. Later, I found out he was angry with me! It’s not look at what I did but look how she reacted.

      • MissBailey, My now X did that as well. Served me with divorce papers the day before my birthday as I was leaving for a trip abroad. I had just handed him a waiver of service a few minutes before the process server rang my door bell. I screamed obscenities at then H and threw the 2 pages of the summons at him (un-crumpled).

        He filed a restraining order on me and used that as an example of my abuse.

        Funny thing, until he had me served on that date, I had no idea that he was cheating. As soon as I was served, it all made sense. In my screaming rant, I told him to go back to his whore. (He ended up engaged to her a year later).

    • “keeping my commitments,finding right and wrong in life, following through on my word and trying to be the person of character I want to be.” Sounds like you are not just “trying” but are in fact a person of the character you want to be. : )

  • Hmmmmm, I think I get to chose who I want in my life or not, who I want to listen to or not. And that’s not some kind of discrimination (as implied by the ‘Othering’ comment), nor closed-mindedness. Discrimination and ‘othering’ are about judging people by their group membership, or without hearing or knowing their own story. It’s about considering them ‘less’, for no good reason.

    I totally validate Sean’s right to have ALLLLLL his feels, and all his thoughts and beliefs, all of it! I fully acknowledge that he is fully human. Humanity is amazingly diverse! I acknowledge his right to his own perceptions, his own values.

    I just prefer to be very far from people like this, while they are being themselves.

    I don’t think of this as bitterness, but rather as wise self-protection. I encourage others to also judge others by their actions, and to protect themselves when that would be wise.

    • I am perfectly okay with parceling people into an “Other” category. In fact, I think it is evolutionarily programmed into us to specify an Ingroup vs. an Outgroup. If chumps want to band together (Ingroup) and look down upon the Outgroup (cheaters), cheaters have no one but themselves to blame–after all, all cheaters were originally part of our Ingroup (family unit).

      As for Sean’s pity party, dictators throughout history have typically thought of themselves as “good people,” despite acts of genocide and committing unspeakable atrocities. While cheaters may not rise to the level of Idi Amin, the calculus of the good they do on earth vs. their victimization of other people (including their own children) tips them into my “Asshole,” category.

      Don’t like being characterized as a bad person? Don’t do bad things. It really is that simple.

  • Wow! This guy is the saddest of all disordered sausages.

    No more X-Wife or Schmoopie? How convenient for him. I promise you he uses this kibble dispenser he calls a blog to reel in women and get laid and I guarantee you it works.

    What an asshole.

  • I love Sirius Black. “We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we chose to act on. That’s who we really are.”

    Sorry, Sean, you are a cheater with little to no regard for other people. That’s who you are. That’s who the Dickhead is.

  • I wonder if Sean B. Manchild ever thought ONCE about how it felt to be on the other end of this:

    “I created an emotionally abusive Pattern come here/go away. I’d make committments, break them, feel bad, make new commitments, break them. I’d b kind/thoughtful & then a dick…”

    Ah, the mindfucking vacillations of the Nice-Guy-Cheater! I’m glad she left him for good.

    Also? I am cracking up over the noun they invented for us, “betrayeds.” Oh, so melodramatic! I prefer Chump. Or better yet, FORMER Chump!

    Love to all my homies at Chump Nation!

    • CleoFC – It’s funny how when I read what you quoted from this guy, all I can think of is “Yada, yada, yada…When do you get to the part when you actually explain what you are doing about this? You know you do this, so what are you going to do about that?…Nothing?”


      • Oh no, apparently he’s in therapy hearing all the RIC points about how he’s simply a flawed human who made a mistake, that his behavior is a product of his past and not necessarily his to own, etc.

        He’s also managing a witty blog and twitter feed so that the world may understand his unique species of special.

        Hmmmm, are these not productive uses of his time?

  • See if I get this right – sugarclit dumped Sean AFTER he dumped his chump?
    AHAHAHA AHAHAHA! I can’t stop laughing!!!! And now HE’S ‘melancholy man’ ? Unbelievable!

  • Acknowledging the humanity of the cheater (or abuser, whatever)? What exactly is the point being made by people who claim that’s what we ought to be doing? Why would anyone dare to dictate that we ought to be more sympathetic to our cheaters? Umm…why do we need to extend compassion to someone who clearly devalued us and often continues to do so? That’s not even safe.

    So, here’s the thing. My father was a very abusive man growing up. He is an alcoholic and he used to beat on my mother. I spent time in two different women’s shelters before the age of 10. After my mother dared to leave my father and return to the safety and protection of her family to keep my brother and I safe, my father raged and eventually abducted my brother and I to another country where we were kept for a year (I kid you not, my childhood was trauma-filled). By the time I was a teenager, my father pretty much abandoned his fatherhood. I went 16 years without seeing him until the day of my wedding, in which I invited him because I felt it was the right thing to do.

    Was I supposed to feel sympathy for this man as he was betraying, abusing and abondoning me all those years ago?

    Hell, no. We would never expect that of a battered wife or child.

    After years of living fearfully of this man, I eventually healed (sort of) and became empowered in my own right. It was only after I established my own strength and capacity to protect myself, and after a very long passage of time, that I was able to become more compassionate towards my father. That is part of the process of forgiveness, and it cannot be forced. I’m in my mid-40s now, and I was able to resume some kind of relationship with my father about 15 years ago. It’s not a traditional father-daughter relationship by any stretch. I’ve come to an understanding that my father is a very broken man. His own upbringing was horrible, and he never learned how to be a proper husband or father. He had no business ever marrying and having children. He has never outright acknowledged the things he’s done or said sorry, but I see that he is filled with regret and he tries as best as he knows how to be kind. I have absolutely no expectations of him to rise to the challenge of fatherhood; my only expectation is that he is respectful towards me and he is in the short few times we see each other. I see that he is grateful that I allow him some time to spend with my children. I tend to leave him alone.

    There is a difference between what my father did and what my ex did. I know that what my father did was not personal against me. However, what he did was very personal against my mother. All those years ago, he sought to control her. He sought revenge against her when she fought back to protect herself and us. That was personal.

    Now my STBXH, the cheater. Yes, he has FOO issues. But, I do too – boy do I ever. But I did not cheat for the last few years of my marriage with multiple people. I didn’t leave him for another man. I fought for this marriage until the bitter end. He has now discarded me, and the irony of being abandoned by the two most important men in my life is not lost on me. But, I am supposed to feel sorry for him? Poor sad sausage who should be pitied, and it’s just so unfortunate that I was burned in his pain?

    No, that’s not what being a victim of an affair is about. Affairs are very pointed and very personal. I was deliberately and systemically devalued by my cheater. I was told I was not loveable or attractive to him. I was told that my whole relationship was a lie because he never really loved me. I was told I wasn’t meeting his needs, needs I didn’t know he had because he never shared them with me. He continuously lied to me and then blamed me when I learned truths. He tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He made me feel stupid for being so easily manipulated. When I fought for this marriage, he pretended to try to work on things, but continuously kept this woman on the go as his Plan B. In the secret email account I discovered when he left, I found emails in which he mocked my pain and my attempts to apologize to him as I was attempting reconciliation. He was using principles used in our marriage counselling sessions to apply to his affair relationship to convince the OW how they were going to beat the odds of affair relationships surviving.

    This is all very, very personal. It was an attack against me by the man to which I believed I was sacramentally bonded for life, shared two children with, and shared a tremendous amount of financial assets. Almost 15 years of sunk costs.

    But I am supposed to honour his humanity?

    Now, I’m not saying that I don’t make every effort to “rise above,” and I have written a number of posts over the past year in which I attempt to demonstrate respect for the dignity of my STBXH. I seek to reach a point with him that I eventually reached with my father. Both of them will have a place up on some shelf or box in brain in which they are kept. But I was betrayed and there was a trauma that came with that betrayal that must be healed. There is a grief process in which I must journey…and a large part of that grieving process involves anger. I have a right to my anger, to sit in the pain of it, to let it ride through me, to spew and exorcise it. And, believe me, that as I do that, anyone who attempts to tell me that I should “humanize” my ex and have sympathy for his poor lot in life can go F&$% themselves.

    This is what I know it true…that I am a person of integrity, honour and strength. I am a moral person who loves God and believes in his healing grace. As I heal, I pray for my ex’s well-being and enlightenment so that he can be redeemed as the father of our children. I want his happiness, but real happiness. I want for him to mature and work to restore his integrity. I want a unicorn for my children. But, he’s totally on his own for that, it has nothing to do with me anymore, nor should it.

  • What I don’t understand is why these bloggers think we should taken them seriously when their vernacular is Orwellian doublespeak? “Longed4her,2bw/her…”
    He’s already subjected a poor ex to his 1984 dystopian exsistance, why do people haplessly watch while he screws over the English language, too?

  • I do know those who have cheated change their lives around. My step-dad was a serial cheater in his first marriage (side note, his ex is a psycho who murdered someone and got away with it). He paid the price for it as 4 of his 6 kids don’t have a relationship with him. After she divorced him, he put the work in to change. Didn’t date for 14 years until he fixed himself. Has been a loving and faithful husband to my mom. I have other friends who cheated, accepted the consequences, put the work in and changed. They readily admit what they did was wrong! But most of us (me included) are dealing with unrepentant cheaters who pretend to be sorry but don’t want to put the work in. They want YOU to make all the changes, but they are perfect. My XW gave me a long list of changes I had to make for her to stay. I drew a line in the sand. Filed for divorce (3 1/2 weeks post D/Day) separated, and divorced her. She goes around with her sad sausage ways and blame shifting. But isn’t really sorry she cheated for 4-5 years.

    • Sirchumpalot, I too know a few people who changed, but they did not do so with the person they cheated on. I’ve said this before. In fact they broke those relationships off even if the other person wasn’t ready because they knew they had completely fucked up and couldn’t hurt them again. Maybe a cheater can fix themselves, but not with the person they cheated on. They have to face consequences. Even then people like this Sean dude can’t grow at all.

  • I’m sorry… is Elle hitting on Sean?

    As a proud member of the so called “sub-tribe of betrayeds”, I’d like to know when I’m getting my UBT decoder ring and my member t-shirt, please 🙂

    All I know is that if it wasn’t for this NATION of strong, awesome, witty, loving, flawed, survivors… I’d still be pick me dancing. I would’ve lost my 401K. I would’ve lost my home. I would’ve suffered a 50/50 custody settlement. I would’ve remained an invisible speck of the HUMAN I once was (and am now again!)

    I’d much rather be here with you all any given day of the week than back being an enabler in an abusive and unequal marriage.


  • Dear Chumplady, I admire your ability to read and decipher Seans crap. Maybe my English isn’t good enough but I just can’t understand what is he babbling about.

  • What’s so laughable about poor Sean’s post is that he’s asking for something he doesn’t possess, empathy. He demands this from everyone but himself. He can fuck right off and take Elle with him!

  • Thank you for pointing out the plethora of internet BS touting the wonders of affairs and romanticizing them as “true love” and finally, and possibly most offensively, trying to point fingers at those of us who are capable of holding beliefs in liberal politics AND the sanctity of marriage at the same time and calling us conservative. I can’t say anything about the trauma I suffered without being accused of “bad-mouthing” my ex. If the truth about your actions constitutes bad-mouthing, then I think you need to look at your actions not the person speaking the truth. Sean sounds like someone I want to pummel.

  • If a man ever told me he was a “leaf blowing in the wind” I think I would pee myself laughing. Other than that, I must have been in France too long but can someone please put his drivel into English!

  • What Cheaters don’t understand is that forgiveness and reconciliation don’t HAVE TO go hand-in-hand. RIC has sold that as a given. That if you love someone enough, then of course you take them back and their disregard for your health too!

    Forgiveness =/= Reconciliation This should be stitched on Chump samplers across the world.

    You CAN forgive and a Cheater CAN be so humble and remorseful that they put in the hard work to be given the gift of a second chance – but so many of them are NOT remorseful. Don’t want to accept that something they did was going to end the relationship that suddenly they want to keep (more often the reason they want to keep it going is about public image and money, not humility and remorse).

    Anyway. Cheaters are Truly Special Enough to cheat. Chumps are also Truly Special Enough to put their own well-being first and go it alone. After doing what they can to hold Spousal Unit legally and financially accountable as is appropriate.

    Sean and Esther and maybe Elle would be a perfect triangle of word diarrhea and entitlement. See the glow on the horizon? That’s not the sun – it’s Chernobyl.

  • What I learned here: When you take back a supposedly repentant cheater, what you get is a cheater who will stay in the marriage and pine for the Schmoopie. And if their path cross, accidentally or on purpose, they will cheat again. Because “longings.”

  • Dear Sean: oh, your experience “has value” – the same value that comes from Humbert Humbert’s POV in Lolita. Well, half the value – Lolita has good prose while yours is donkey shit. However, they do share one essential valuable thing: the POV of an awful (yes, humans can be awful) person who is thoroughly convinced that they are in the right – no matter how many terrible things he’s done to the people around him. No matter how awful the deceptions and how vile the abuse, both you and Humbert remain fundamentally dedicated to justifying your respective behaviors, and covering it all in self-indulgent faux-remorse while insisting that you aren’t really a bad guy, not really. It was your upbringing! It’s the close-minded norms of society! It’s your burning passion that cannot be denied! Really, what’s a guy to do?

    However, we already *have* Lolita to read, and you write like something Douglass Adams would use to illustrate how the Vogons torture people with bad poetry. Accordingly, you’ll understand if we only spare you a brief look, like scientists looking through a lens at something revolting, comment along the lines of “wow, that is an excellent specimen of Real Life Unreliable Narrator Villain” and go on our way.

  • Oh FFS. His timeline, when not gibberish, is everything wrong with self-help. He even has the nerve to quote AA’s Big Book (actually, a Herbert Spencer quote used in Appendix II –Spiritual Experience.)

    Here’s a sober thought from the rooms of AA: having a schmoopie is not a sign of spiritual growth. You may not be drinking, but you’re getting high on kibbles. Not to mention lying, stealing, and whatever else you should have learned to stop doing in sobriety.

    I can’t find the tweet where CL is tagged, and that whole timeline hurts my eyes and makes my head spin. Unicorn World is something else. O_o

    • @ChumpyMcGill- I hope you saw Sean’s fine poetry, i.e “Grieving is a poopyhead”.

      Pretty sure he’s drinking something, lol.

  • Hoovering For Dummies: Chapter 66, page 6:
    “Use social media, specifically Twitter to spew any/all random thoughts about your self-importance.”
    That way, all of the appliances are contacted at once!
    Skor, dood.

  • FOO issues doesn’t cause a person to be a cheater. A lack of character makes one a cheater. My ex had a great childhood. He was an only child, so he didn’t have a sibling beating him up like I did. He didn’t have siblings telling him he was adopted like I was told many times and was also told I was found “at the garbage dump”. My cheating dad abandoned the family when I was around two. My dad has barely been in my life my entire life and has never ever been a father to me. My mom has pretty much been checked out my entire life as she has her own issues. I can now see why I stayed so long with an abusive cheater. I have FOO issues and have forgiven everyone for everything, because they have said they were sorry and they are no longer like this to me. So having major FOO issues did not make me a pathological lying cheater. FOO issues made me a chump who put up with way too much abuse, who forgave when she should have ran for her life!

    My ex was put on a pedestal his entire life and he still remains there in the eyes of his family. His family is dysfunctional just like everyone else’s, but he lived a charmed life with people who loved him and took great care of him. His mommy helped make him into the monster he is, because she told him his entire life that he was “perfect and special”. The last time I heard her say that was back in 2014 and he was 45 years old. My ex actually believes this about himself as he said to me, “I think I have the perfect personality to be in a relationship with.” Yeah, everyone woman’s dream guy is a serial adulterer who’s a pathological liar. Barf.

    • I’ve come to understand children can be abused by being grossly overvalued or undervalued. The “special” ones are raised to be entitled little monsters who tend to bully the “doormats”.

      • Yes, I have also read that overvaluing someone can be abuse. My ex is entitled up the wazoo, but can come across as humble and giving in public and with people he wants to impress. Monsters do exist and it’s scary to realize it’s not under your bed, but sleeping right next to you for 20 years.

  • This whole, “I’m a good person even though I did bad things,” just doesn’t fly. You’re not a good person just because you want to be, or intend to be, or (more likely) want to appear to be. A person is good IF and ONLY IF they do good things, are compassionate to others, feel remorse when they fail and rectify their behavior. Cheaters meet none of those criteria. Ergo, they are not good people.

    As for FOO issues causing someone to be a jackass–there is ALWAYS a decision tree, and it looks like this:

    1-Use my FOO issues/abuse/neglect as an excuse to victimize other people (cheater pathway)
    2-Work on myself, and use my FOO issues/abuse/neglect to develop the emotional intelligence that allows me to become more empathetic and to help other people. (chump pathway)

    Path 2 is clearly the better of the two, with one caveat–do NOT try to help cheaters, liars, manipulators who clearly do not want to change. Run.

  • I stayed in the marriage police way too long, and I wouldn’t recommend it, but some good things (for me) did come out of the experience. The danger is the information can mire you down in rage and hatred, and you do start to believe in “other” because how can a normal human act that way? However, all warning aside, the good thing for me was I started to understand patterns of negative behavior being ingrained in a personality type. Cheaters are chameleons, and know what chumps hope for and expect. They believe we are stupid to believe in character and fair play, and we deserve what we get, like the predator deserves the mouse.
    The problem in a chump dating site is that cheaters would flock to it, like a watering hole in the desert. We need to drink, after all, and they need chumps. We are useful. Actually, I believe all dating sites are like this, but that is something you learn on other sites, and you would not go in with the assumption that everyone on the site would be a chump.

    As for the reformed cheater. I will use my discoveries from detective work to illustrate. Now 69, he has had a lifetime of interchangeable females, from high school forward. He probably couldn’t tell you how many. He always had side meat, in every chump relationship, and the big relationships were very useful chumps who supported his “dream” . Even his big relationships only lasted 3 to 4 years, the exhaustion point for the chump. He was very good at expressing remorse for things he could not hide, and lying about every thing else. I still hear from some of his relatives from time to time (they like me, him, not so much) and they say he still is on the dating sites. He has had ED since his mid 40’s for sure, (I met him at 49) and he still thinks he’s a stud. Anyone who is with him is due for disappointment. I am so glad he is out of my life, and I do not solicit contact. I run into those related to him from time to time (rural community) and get unsolicited updates. They don’t trigger me any more, because I know he will never change.

    I do not date, because I found I am happier alone. I do not exclude it happening, but I don’t expect it to, either. I am perfectly fine alone. I am retired, younger women may have other issues, but I know you should never count on someone else to make you happy. If you find a good friend, or a companion, consider yourself lucky. Enjoy other people who are authentic, shun users. Watch their actions, don’t believe their words. Protect your heart. Wish I had known this at 20. Many heartbreaks could have been avoided if I would have followed this advice. Set boundaries and be mighty.

  • Not wanting to criticize the great Chump Lady, but I actually think the cartoon from two days ago (Eat, Pray, Be Happy) – my favourite cartoon – would have been perfect for Sean and his Twu Wuv. All the more so now having seen his picture!

  • Perhaps the one piece of good advice I got from my time in the RIC is “you can’t use the same kind of thinking that got you in to trouble to get you out of trouble.” It is almost comical how these sad sausages don’t realize that their relentless “what about me and my pain” is just further evidence of the same kind of self centered thinking that led them to cheating. After I found new evidence of lying and hiding things after 2 years of “successful” reconciliation I gently confronted my husband, spent 2 hours questioning him about how he was feeling, what he needed, what skills from all the therapy he could employ etc. When I finally, after hours of asking him about him, had the nerve to mention how this latest round of lies had hurt and frightened me he screamed “this is about me for once” and I knew I would never know what color the sky was in his world and I couldn’t keep trying to figure it out.

  • omg. I’m dying here. He looks just like ChumpLady’s illustration of the old guy in saggy briefs next to the Schmoopie in the pink dress on the beach.

    • LOL!! He does! He does! That cartoon is my absolute favorite. I’d love to buy His and Hers matching coffee cups with that image for the cheater and his whore, but I guess that wouldn’t be very meh of me. lol 🙂

  • I actually just stood up from my computer and started a ‘slow clap’ (like the ones used in cheesy 80s movies when the underdog finally gets his moment in the sun, after triumphing over the protagonist named Biff). Gawd I love you, CL!!

    “The message of this blog is appreciate your own humanity. Reject the devaluing, champion self-respect, and never, ever settle for a lopsided relationship.”

  • All this idiot had to do to do the right thing was end the monogamous relationship once he knew he didn’t want to be monogamous anymore — and before starting another one. It’s so simple that it’s absurd to argue the validity of any other choice.

    He made an agreement. He broke the agreement. Bad things happened because he broke it. This is not confusing.

    Everything else that whinges out of his sanctimonious mouth is an attempt to avoid consequences for bad behavior.

    A strong and healthy person would acknowledge wrongdoing, cut losses, move on, self-improve, and start anew.

    An immature whiner blogs about his paranoid delusions that he’s the victim of a huge conspiracy of mean, monstrous consequence-enforcers.

    Get the pacifier.

  • What his true remorse is that instead of two women doing the Pick Me Dance for him, he is playing with himself! Seriously, he did not consider being the loser in this scenario. Poor him and his unwanted Member.

  • Maybe I’m getting to old for all this social media crap, but this guy’s posts made absolutely no sense to me…

    Or Elle’s…


  • Sean is like the pathetic guy that played HS football & still talks about it 50 years later as it is his only claim to fame. Sean was married and some loser OW gave him the time of day, but not for long apparently. He was a star in his own mind for a period of time. Now the wife and girlfriend are no more, both dumped his sorry ass. So he has to relive his “glory day” by posting, tweeting, you name it…anything to capture the best time of his loser life.

  • It’s worse than you think. I’ve read his blog. If I’ve got it correctly he was cheating on K with C and C was cheating on her partner with him. He divorced K. Moved in with and helped to support C. Then began cheating on C with K. Lied about it for 3 years. That’s why he and C are no longer together. When C found out and threw him out. Refused to have contact with him while he proclaims he will love her forever.

  • It still boils down to, “It’s not what I did, it’s the bad/mean things you said about me”! Again. Really, with a lot of verbiage around it.

    As in, “If you honest people with your *integrity* would stop pointing out that lying and cheating is selfish, hurtful, cruel and–well–bad, then it wouldn’t seem so bad, right? So really it’s all your fault. I’m trying to be a good person, really I am. But you just have to go and be all honest.”

    Cry me a river, pal.

  • “Lied to K about my intentions, feelings”…such cheater double speak, as if that’s what happened…I just lied about my feelings, yes I cheated, but…my feelings! How about if you’re truly remorseful just say “I was a lying, cheating asshole and ima spend the rest of my days being a good person and making amends.” And then do that…NOT on twitter but in the real world.

    If you actually go on to live a good and thoughtful life, the people around you will notice and all will be right. Sure, you will lose those you burned in the dumpster fire that was your previous behavior, but moving forward things can be good for you. Decency. It’s a thing.

    What a tool bag.

  • OK, I couldn’t resist and had to check out his twitter feed. Here are some gems.

    * “Ppl shouldn’t have to defend their decisions.” Actually buddy, they should. this is a basic tenant of functioning human society and essentially what we base our legal system on.

    * “Disappointment happens. Hurt happens. Loss happens.” Like, it just happens, magically. Read: There is never anyone responsible for these things.

    * He made “unskilled decisions” and acted “unskillfully.” Didn’t know NOT lying and cheating was a skill. Just though it was decent human behavior.

    * “Adulting sucks” I see you’re really making strides in your personal recovery man, way to go.

    * “The betrayal doesn’t matter.” It 100% does. And it’s easy to not do, just don’t be a cheating liar. Takes no skill at all.

    He misses the major point of CN, which is that we’ve all shown up here because we’re tired of disappointment, hurt, and loss being inflicted upon us. He acts like this is a place of bullying and gaslighting but in actuality it’s a place of freedom and validation and support. He’s clearly obsessed with this type of world because if he admits that it’s a positive transformative space then he would actually have to do the hard work of becoming a decent human being instead of some sad sausage twitter sycophant.

    Also, he is the most dangerous kind of cheater–the sad victim cheater who can word salad vulnerable chumps into believing his drivel.

    The good news: there is ALOT of CL-specific language there…CL you’re making it into the zeitgeist! Shifting the narrative!

    • “Adulting sucks” says everything anyone would need to know about that asshole.
      Actually, if you ARE an adult, it does not suck at all. It feels good to be responsible and do the right thing.
      Yeah, Victim Cheaters are among the lowest of life forms, on the same plane of existence as Jesus Cheaters.

      • Exactly. Maybe I’m a little new-agey about it, but I find great pride and reward in taking care of my family and myself as an adult–solving the problems and providing support. It’s an honor to be capable to do so. Devotion is an honor.

        Sure, adults need breaks too and it can suck sometimes, but overall it’s a gift.

  • I’m sure Elle’s husband didn’t stop cheating on her. He just moved the cheating further underground. I went on her twitter feed, she is projecting and spackling like I have never seen before! She is in total denial.

    I think she really thinks that if she puts it out into the universe that her husband is now a unicorn that it will one day make it true… no hunny…he is just now smarter than you at hiding the infidelity and you are too busy writing drivel to notice him fucking your neighbor nextdoor…GOODBYE!

    • I’m a firm believer that cheaters can change. After D-Day they improve their OPSEC to include burner phones, Kik accounts, and high-efficiency gaslighting.

      • This is absolutely true. Thought we had reconciled only to find out years later that he never stopped seeing the OW, but he just was better at hiding it. I lost so much of my youth on trying to be a better wife, a great parent, becoming more successful at my career, all for him, thinking it would keep him content. How I wish I could go back in time and found my happiness. I let how much I loved him blind me for who he really was. He came across as dedicated to being an amazing husband and dad to the kids, but he kept cheating without my knowledge.

    • I have the same feeling. That’s why she spackles like mad and resents chumps who won’t pretend to reconcile. If you’re still in agony and playing marriage police years after dday, that’s not reconciliation. That’s eating a shit sandwich and telling everybody it’s really filet mignon.
      CL and CN won’t go along with that bullshit and pretend it’s anything other than a turdwich, so she has to use some passive-aggressive putdown to try to invalidate the truth we tell.

      This attention-whoring Sean creep can shove his incoherent, whiny drivel up his ass. No wonder both the wife and the mistress dumped that sorry excuse for a man.

  • I am kicking myself for even giving Sean some traffic, and reading his ramblings gives me a headache, but that fact that Sean wrote the words below say it all:

    “Not one time since this began has she sent me a kind word. Not once asking me how I’m doing, if I need anything, or even if I am okay.

    Who does that after seven years?”

    Ha! The woman I lied to and betrayed doesn’t care about me? Wah!

  • I visited Elle and her betrayed females website, which is branded – I assume by her – as a ‘kickass’ survival guide.

    Worst case of false advertising I’ve seen in a while. Seemed to be mostly about how not to hyperventilate while you placate your Timid Forest Creature. I am fairly sure there are Google ads for smelling salts on it.

    It’s about as kickass as a Merchant Ivory movie, but way less entertaining and with uglier male characters.

  • I bet one or both of the women Sean screwed mentioned CN before shutting him out of her life. Or maybe he spied a copy of Tracy’s book on a table, with tabs on pertinent pages.

    Got him right in his tender FEELZ to be shut out entirely.

  • In case anyone overlooked it, Sean’s lament is that he cheated on his girlfriend ,”C”, with his ex-wife, “K”, not the other way around.

    Think on that one…

  • I checked his blog. He still doesn’t have a clue. He summarises :what matters is his healing and happiness.
    I’m starting to hate the word ‘happy’ in the context that is is used these days. Somehow it always seems to come at someone else’s expense.

  • There is even more to it. I live in the community that all of this deep, narssicistic drama occured. Even while he has been blithering to the dwindling whoristic followers on his blog, he has had a squeeze on the side for the last year: “M”. Yet he has never, ever, mentioned anything about her in his bloated self-loving blog.

    You have to obviously presume he is also cheating on her.

    • Ohio where he and K lived & divorced? Or Wisconsin where C sought a restraining order?

      I hope M wises up and runs far far away from this jerk.

  • Wisconsin. She’s starry eyed and believes his “I need to work on me, but it’s Okay if we slam glands for a while” line of BS.

    FYI- I’m pretty sure Sean is lurking here, and may even post, being the self-absorbed narssicist he perpetually claims not to be.

    • Oh, I would count on his lurking about. *casually flips Sean the bird*

      I still hope M sees the red flags flapping in the breeze and takes off. Dating someone who is still pining for another person is a bad idea.

  • The craziest of crazy PTSD is coming back just reading this post. I’m not K, but my X’s name was Shawn and his paramour’s name was Caroline, which he lovingly referred to in his journal as “C.” What’s more, the first online site I found after DDay was Betrayed Wives Club, who urged me to take those 6 months to a year before making any drastic decisions advice. Not only did I take the advice, I took it to a new extreme and stayed 3 years and lived through all sorts of blameshifting, gaslighting and plethora of other things in order to finally at the end, admit how positively miserable I was and feel that ANYTHING was better than staying with my X.

    My point in all of this is, the precious advice that Chump Lady gives here, the byline of her blog, “Leave a cheater, gain a life” is really the best thing to do. All of her arguments hold their weight. Even if the cheater is remorseful, even if they are capable of change, they just aren’t going to do it with you or on a timeline that is going to be good for your health and well-being. The person that will bear the burden of their character flaw for the rest of your married life is you. They will make sure of it. Leaving my cheater was the best decision I ever made. I am free from him and all the abuse. It actually was true – ANYTHING was better than staying with him. I am so much happier now that he is out of my life.

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