You’d think given the entire internet to preach the good news that Affairs Make Your Marriage Stronger (Send Me $400 and I’ll Show You How), they’d leave me out of it. But occasionally one of them gets cheeky and tags me in their tweets.
(Which is fine, really. God knows I discuss them too. Generally stuffed down the long chute of the Universal Bullshit Translator.)
Anyway… blog fodder. Amirite?
It began with a thread from Sean, a sad sausage.
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
Yes, leaf SAD. A blowing autumn leaf, with no compost pile to call home. Or pile to burn in. An unfettered traveler in a strange land. Winter beckons, but he soars on… alone.
Sean was a cheater, but now he blogs to offer “words of encouragement 4 those starting over after betraying their Love, life, & selves.”
Okay, Sean. Good on you. I find you a bit goopy, but apparently you’ve grown from the experience.
I lied extensively 2 K set-up a pattern: I would say/do things with K trying to fix my last error.
I created an emotionally abusive Pattern come here/go away. I’d make committments, break them, feel bad, make new commitments, break them. I’d b kind/thoughtful & then a dick.
— Sean: Human. Fallible. Easily Sunburnt. (@CadConfessional) March 23, 2019
And because Sean was a dick, he is alone.
C = Schmoopie. K was his wife. He thanks Esther Perel and a host of others for helping him understand his FOO issues that led him to being a dick. The kind of guy who demonstrates his remorse to his ex-wife by publicly pining for his former affair partner, but whatever, the point is HE HAS CHANGED.
And I, Chump Lady, have failed to sufficiently appreciate that.
And in case you don’t recognize yourself as the “sub-tribe of betrayeds” that you are — that’s you Bitter Bunnies over here, with your unicorn skepticism and bad attitude.
It’s at this point, I’m tagged.
Look, Unicorns, you’re kind of proving my point. I say that reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a VERY long shot. Because the kind of character that allows you to cheat is not the sort of character that chooses humility and hard work. Character can change, absolutely, but that work is long and slow. And chumps are not required to make that investment. (I encourage them not to.) I don’t say remorseful cheaters are unicorns — I say the odds of successful reconciliation with a remorseful cheater who does the work is a unicorn. Something I want to believe it, but is seldom seen. Or entirely mythical.
Sean has NEITHER wife NOR Schmoopie. Ergo he failed at successful reconciliation. He didn’t get the unicorn. One in the CN, column.
Is Sean sorry?
Pining for the affair partner? Doesn’t ooze remorse to me.
Taking offense that people don’t believe him? And some even have the temerity to throw him off their sites? (Rage channel) Aren’t you rocking a better life somewhere? WHO CARES if you’re sorry? Why are you so invested in being misunderstood? Is that a bit victim-y? (Projection)
And Elle of the BetrayedWivesClub — I can’t even snark. The spackle is so thick, it’s just sad.
Of course cheaters are fully human and not Other. You too are projecting. The devaluing, the lack of empathy, the creation of Other, is what a cheater had to do to YOU in order to cheat on you. The sins you see in CN are the sins you fail to acknowledge in your partner.
Fully human people can suck. There is a whole spectrum of human and not all of it needs to be celebrated, or rewarded with your presence.
The message of this blog is appreciate your own humanity. Reject the devaluing, champion self-respect, and never, ever settle for a lopsided relationship.
Good relationships are between equals. Cheater/Chump dynamics are inherently unequal (all the ways are outlined on this blog). But unicorn/human relationships are unequal too. To take back a cheater is to have another kind of unhealthy power imbalance. The ever-so-sorry, bow and scraping Reformed Cheater to the Munificent and All-Forgiving Chump who confers absolution.
Jesus Christ, I’d rather be home with a cat.
Anyway, you guys do you. We’re cool here in our corner. Peace out.