Three weeks ago I got a DM on Instagram from the OW telling me, my boyfriend of 2 years (and father of my baby) and her have been seeing each other for 7 months — same amount of months of my pregnancy.
I confronted him, he still tried to lie about it. Then I read the DM to him and he confessed. In the DM she mentioned he told her I was pregnant and that “broke her heart”, that she knew about me before as just the girlfriend, but never knew I was pregnant until 2 weeks ago, and that he was still calling her to meet up, so she wanted my help (go figure) for him to stop.
He said he told her they were over and she sent that to me out of rage. Saying there was no relationship, they just met up for sex… and saying he was completely happy with our family life, but we weren’t having sex (I’ve been battling all kind of infections during my pregnancy and my doctor didn’t allow it) so he went and has that taken care of somewhere else and that was it.
Since then I’ve been a mess, going back and forth on reconciliation. He swears they are not in contact anymore and shares his location with me at all times and he wants me and the baby more than anything.
I’ve been through all the phases, obsessing with her, looking for a new apartment, going back to my parents’ house, going back to the apartment with him.
I feel lost and alone. The fact that I live alone in a city away from my family and my friends is not helping since I feel he is all I have.
Some days I am ready to leave since I have the finances to do it. But then I think about how hard it would be to raise the baby by myself and I stop. Then I feel like I want to leave again by all of this is overwhelming and so hard I feel like I can’t take a step.
I would appreciate any word of advise you and your community have
The Knocked Up Chump
Dear Knocked Up,
Those infections you’ve been having — tell your OBGYN you’ve been cheated on and make sure you don’t have an STD. His fucking around endangers your pregnancy. It’s really important that your doctor know about this. You say you haven’t had sex since you were pregnant? Never in 7 months? A guy who cheats on a pregnant woman is a guy who cheats. OW is probably not his first.
I’m sorry, I know this is all three weeks of fresh horror, but you’ve got to get your head on straight.
Why do you think you can reconcile with this person?
He said he told her they were over and she sent that to me out of rage.
So? If the OW is angry, it’s still not the truth? There’s an OW, he cheated with her, that’s the truth. Her state of mind is totally beside the point.
Saying there was no relationship, they just met up for sex.
He’s minimizing. Does he really think this would only be harmful if there was a relationship? (I guess 7 months of fucking someone makes them a casual acquaintance.)
1.) He risked your health and your unborn child’s.
2.) He kept it a secret.
3.) He’s uses people.
And JUST sex?
He doesn’t have a constitutional right to sex. You are accepting his entitlement as normal. And look, that Men Are Entitled to Sex mindfuck is deep in our culture. His desire for fleeting orgasms doesn’t outweigh your health and well-being. (She Says To The Men Who Legislate Our Reproductive Rights…sigh.)
Anyway, my point is “I was just using this person the way a more ethical man might use a tissue” is NOT a valid excuse for cheating.
and saying he was completely happy with our family life
Oh, so you think you can reconcile with him because he’s happy with you? Caveat: with your family life? So if the sex life falters, and the happy index trends downwards, expect him to cheat?
You realize he just made his happiness YOUR responsibility. And YOU are accepting his “happiness” as paramount to the health and well-being of you and your child.
Is that “family life” acceptable to you? Because I’ve got a few million people here who lived that and can tell you it sucks.
Some days I am ready to leave since I have the finances to do it.
Good. Godspeed. Get the hell out of there. You asked for my advice, that’s my advice.
But then I think about how hard it would be to raise the baby by myself and I stop.
You know what’s harder? Much, much harder? Being in a relationship with a fuckwit.
Constant devaluing, pick-me dancing for someone’s “happiness” and never being found acceptable is TERRIBLE for children. Having this shit modeled to them is terrible, having to be responsible for a parent’s “happiness” is terrible. Oh Dad left us because he wasn’t happy. I guess we all failed him.
Being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust? TERRIBLE. Who doesn’t respect you? TERRIBLE. Who has prehistoric ideas about women? TERRIBLE. Who makes you feel unsafe? TERRIBLE. Who cannot be relied upon? TERRIBLE. Who will blame you for his shitty choices? TERRIBLE.
Kids need stability and sanity. You can do that. He cannot. Be the sane, show-up parent. If you think a man who would fuck around on a pregnant woman is going to show-up for choral concerts and soccer practices, you’re grossly mistaken. Hey, his happiness. None of that adult stuff makes his dick tingly.
Then I feel like I want to leave again by all of this is overwhelming and so hard I feel like I can’t take a step.
You CAN take a step. I answer these sorts of letters all the time. Here’s one from last month. Chock full of YOU CAN TAKE STEPS mightiness.
Circle your support system and NO CONTACT with this creep, except through a lawyer. I realize you’re not married, but you probably want to get in front of the child support and custody issues now.
He’s not a man, he’s a sperm donor.