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Dear Chump Lady, He said it was ‘just sex’

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Dear Chump Lady,

Three weeks ago I got a DM on Instagram from the OW telling me, my boyfriend of 2 years (and father of my baby) and her have been seeing each other for 7 months — same amount of months of my pregnancy.

I confronted him, he still tried to lie about it. Then I read the DM to him and he confessed. In the DM she mentioned he told her I was pregnant and that “broke her heart”, that she knew about me before as just the girlfriend, but never knew I was pregnant until 2 weeks ago, and that he was still calling her to meet up, so she wanted my help (go figure) for him to stop.

He said he told her they were over and she sent that to me out of rage. Saying there was no relationship, they just met up for sex… and saying he was completely happy with our family life, but we weren’t having sex (I’ve been battling all kind of infections during my pregnancy and my doctor didn’t allow it) so he went and has that taken care of somewhere else and that was it.

Since then I’ve been a mess, going back and forth on reconciliation. He swears they are not in contact anymore and shares his location with me at all times and he wants me and the baby more than anything.

I’ve been through all the phases, obsessing with her, looking for a new apartment, going back to my parents’ house, going back to the apartment with him.

I feel lost and alone. The fact that I live alone in a city away from my family and my friends is not helping since I feel he is all I have.

Some days I am ready to leave since I have the finances to do it. But then I think about how hard it would be to raise the baby by myself and I stop. Then I feel like I want to leave again by all of this is overwhelming and so hard I feel like I can’t take a step.

I would appreciate any word of advise you and your community have

Sincerely,

The Knocked Up Chump

Dear Knocked Up,

Those infections you’ve been having — tell your OBGYN you’ve been cheated on and make sure you don’t have an STD. His fucking around endangers your pregnancy. It’s really important that your doctor know about this. You say you haven’t had sex since you were pregnant? Never in 7 months? A guy who cheats on a pregnant woman is a guy who cheats. OW is probably not his first.

I’m sorry, I know this is all three weeks of fresh horror, but you’ve got to get your head on straight.

Why do you think you can reconcile with this person?

He said he told her they were over and she sent that to me out of rage.

So? If the OW is angry, it’s still not the truth? There’s an OW, he cheated with her, that’s the truth. Her state of mind is totally beside the point.

Saying there was no relationship, they just met up for sex.

He’s minimizing. Does he really think this would only be harmful if there was a relationship? (I guess 7 months of fucking someone makes them a casual acquaintance.)

1.) He risked your health and your unborn child’s.

2.) He kept it a secret.

3.) He’s uses people.

And JUST sex?

He doesn’t have a constitutional right to sex. You are accepting his entitlement as normal. And look, that Men Are Entitled to Sex mindfuck is deep in our culture. His desire for fleeting orgasms doesn’t outweigh your health and well-being. (She Says To The Men Who Legislate Our Reproductive Rights…sigh.)

Anyway, my point is “I was just using this person the way a more ethical man might use a tissue” is NOT a valid excuse for cheating.

and saying he was completely happy with our family life

Oh, so you think you can reconcile with him because he’s happy with you? Caveat: with your family life? So if the sex life falters, and the happy index trends downwards, expect him to cheat?

You realize he just made his happiness YOUR responsibility. And YOU are accepting his “happiness” as paramount to the health and well-being of you and your child.

Is that “family life” acceptable to you? Because I’ve got a few million people here who lived that and can tell you it sucks.

Some days I am ready to leave since I have the finances to do it.

Good. Godspeed. Get the hell out of there. You asked for my advice, that’s my advice.

But then I think about how hard it would be to raise the baby by myself and I stop.

You know what’s harder? Much, much harder? Being in a relationship with a fuckwit.

Constant devaluing, pick-me dancing for someone’s “happiness” and never being found acceptable is TERRIBLE for children. Having this shit modeled to them is terrible, having to be responsible for a parent’s “happiness” is terrible. Oh Dad left us because he wasn’t happy. I guess we all failed him.

Being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust? TERRIBLE. Who doesn’t respect you? TERRIBLE. Who has prehistoric ideas about women? TERRIBLE. Who makes you feel unsafe? TERRIBLE. Who cannot be relied upon? TERRIBLE. Who will blame you for his shitty choices? TERRIBLE.

Kids need stability and sanity. You can do that. He cannot. Be the sane, show-up parent. If you think a man who would fuck around on a pregnant woman is going to show-up for choral concerts and soccer practices, you’re grossly mistaken. Hey, his happiness. None of that adult stuff makes his dick tingly.

Then I feel like I want to leave again by all of this is overwhelming and so hard I feel like I can’t take a step.

You CAN take a step. I answer these sorts of letters all the time. Here’s one from last month. Chock full of YOU CAN TAKE STEPS mightiness.

Circle your support system and NO CONTACT with this creep, except through a lawyer. I realize you’re not married, but you probably want to get in front of the child support and custody issues now.

He’s not a man, he’s a sperm donor.

(((Big hugs)).

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • @KUC – RUN BABY RUN

    Get out now as it will be so much easier than waiting 5, 10, or even 15+ years down the road (ask me how I know..sigh). The issues with these jerks DO NOT GO AWAY.

    So RUN like your hair is on fire and don’t look back. And keep coming here for the support you will need. You deserve so much more than this.

    Sending cyber hugs to you

    • Whoaminow is So right, and Knocked Up Chump, you can see right off that Chumplady was telling the truth. This site is crawling with people who tried what you knew feel like doing, and who will happily tell you that the other choice is better. Legal protection related to the kid, no contact, get away stay away.

      I waited a year from D-Day with my wife. I then learned she had lied about promising we we would be exclusive, from the beginning!

      Instead of trusting, I interrogated, took good notes, and hoped, so I learned why staying is a mistake. People with the mindset to DO this to their loving, trusting, allegedly-significant other, whatever they say, they “Know”, down inside, that they Deserve to be able to have you and to get away with betraying you like this.

      Suh-port-sys-tem!

      • I agree eyesopened! Mine stated immediately when we started dating “if you are ever going to cheat on me please do me a favor and get rid of me first.” I did find that odd that he said that so soon after dating, but he said “he was cheated on in his prior relationship.” Then began the 2 years of love bombing and limerence. Married after two years of dating and within the 3rd year of marriage his first affair took place. I picked up on the disconnect and his secrecy but I was shrugged off and gaslighted saying I was crazy and paranoid. Well 1 year later, got into phone records and there I found 11,000 text messages in one month for over a year, phone calls to and from work and he was emailing her. No wonder he was an absent husband and disconnected he was spending his time talking and sending dick pics to the first OW. I to this day regret not leaving. I was ready to walk away and instead the asshat begged me to stay and said he loved me more than anything. Well fast forward 7 years and once again along comes OW #2. He of course divorces me, moves in with her, and just married her 1 year after our divorce. My point is this, we chumps WANT to believe the good in these individuals and we so desperately WANT to believe they made a mistake and will never do it again. It is a “false reality” we live in. These people DO NOT CHANGE! It’s a character flaw and a down right horrible one. It’s unfair and unjust how these people function as humans and are living amongst us good people with good morals and values. I can tell you, I am still struggling one year post divorce/day #2 (that I know of). Cheaters DO NOT CHANGE!!! They are a “special” breed. Knocked up chump for your sanity and peace of mind and health of your unborn child…RUN!!!! He will use that child as a pawn when shit gets rough and life doesn’t go his way. YOU AND YOUR CHILD DESERVE A BETTER LIFE WITHOUT HIM IN IT! He will not only destroy you but also that child because people like him are selfish and have no care for anyone other than themselves! Take it from a woman who has lived it. He is still in contact with that OW he slept with…trust me! Mine was in contact with OW #1 the entire time after I caught him the first time. Reason I know is cuz I found out his email password got into his email and got to look at naked photos of OW #1 and hotels, basketball tickets, weekend away vacations with OW #2. Trust us CHUMPS! We have lived through any and everything you can possibly imagine. And chumplady’s statements above ring SO TRUE! Respect yourself, value yourself and KNOW YOUR WORTH!

        • Knocked up, please listen to this advice. The fear will dissipate the longer you are away from him. You can do it! Like everyone is saying, run and get away from him! I wish I had 29 years ago before he blew up our family.

    • Agreed I had no idea what mine was up to it’s destroyed our life. We lost the house and it nearly bankrupted us! I’m worried sick about my kids aged 17 and nearly 13 they live with him and the new supply, what do I do?

    • My vote too. RUN.

      Mine cheated after each child was born but didn’t tell me until long after the fact.

      Then he stopped telling me and kept on cheating and didn’t tell me until decades after the fact.

      Now we are divorced and my entire adult life was wasted in an absolute lie with this fuckwit.

      My ONLY saving grace is that I didn’t know he was still cheating so I wasn’t consumed with suspicion.
      I was luckily one of the ‘dumb’ ones that thought he had changed his ways because he had been truthful.
      On my behalf, back in those days we weren’t anywhere near as savvy as you younger ones are now. You have access to so much more information.

      I have a wonderful friend who had a child ‘out of wedlock’ when she was young. She met a wonderful man who married her, adopted her child and they had 2 more of their own and he has remained an outstanding husband and man. They have been married for well over 40 years so there are good men out there!

      You are fortunate. You have the resources to get out. You are pregnant. Easier to move when on your own vs than with a newborn when your hormones will really be out of whack and you have a wee one that needs constant attention. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help when making decisions that will impact your future and your child’s future.

      I can’t tell you what to do. I am a stranger so I stand behind CL and have let her tell you because you asked her. I have just shared my experience in hopes that you learn something from what I have gone through and my grown children have had to deal with too. Horrendous for them to realize their father is a lying slut – nothing more that a dirty old man. How they will ever come to terms with that I don’t know because he was always the knight in shining armor to them. The dad of the year type. Here we call them covert narcissists or TFC.

      I would also like to add that you don’t want a child whose only use to her father is as a ‘prop’ for his self image. That is what mine were to FW.

    • I agree – run now! You need to go now, move to your family and get the support you need from family. It will be so much harder when you have the baby and are on your own in a city with no family support. I changed countries to get away from him and be closer to my family, who are now a solid village for my two kids (and I). Its just gone 3 years since I left him at the airport. Life is good! Get out now. Best wishes for a smooth – and fuckwit free – birth. (((HUGS)))

  • Hi Knocked up
    I was you. 5 months pregnant and found out my then boyfriend was cheating. I had been divorced once before and had two children from a previous marriage. I reconciled with him. And then continued to be cheated on for years.
    We have finally separated and everything Chump Lady describes above is true – HE left because He wanted to find happiness.
    I assure you, I’m happier now without the weight of wondering where he is all the time, finding texts to other women, the constant sense of insecurity. And the kids are much happier too.
    Take the step. You will have the support and even if you don’t, raising that child without someone who treats you like nothing is the better option. You deserve more.

    • FinallyFree, you are so right about the weight of wondering where he is, finding texts, constant sense of insecurity. The best part of finally being free from the cheater is no longer being the marriage police. The freedom from policing and untangling the skein has made me so much happier.
      Good luck to you KUC!

  • Get out NOW!!! One of my biggest regrets was staying with and eventually marrying a boyfriend who
    1. “was sick” but went to a strip club because he felt a little better
    2. Lied to me about the strip club until I showed him the picture on my phone with his car in the parking lot of the strip club
    3.filled out a profile on Adult Friend Finder while out of town for a couple of days and said his drunk coworker did it as a joke.
    Know what happened? He cheated on me not 2 years into the marriage while deployed and I’m at home holding down the fort. He left me for the other woman who he is now married to and has a kid with. I battled 2 years of depression when he left. Now the sane happy person I am wishes she could go smack her younger self and tell her put down the spackle.
    This guy is not a good guy. He’s not deserving of you or a beautiful baby. Leave now and never look back. We here at Chump Nation have your back. You have the means to go, do ho. Plenty of people on here weren’t so lucky and left anyway. Good luck to you.

  • Move now, knocked up chump. Move to your family and friends and support system BEFORE the baby is born, because if you wait until after the baby is born, it will be so much harder to leave. I too felt and knew the same things, and I was lucky my family lived down the street. Had they lived anywhere else? I wouldn’t have left. Move NOW! Establish residency ASAP somewhere else and have that baby born in the state you want to reside in.

    Also, you may want to save yourself a ton of aggravation and leave him off the birth certificate.

    Go to your tribe, because like ChumpLady said.. he’s not going to be accountable for that baby or you. I waited for my ex and daughter’s father to man up and he never did. Just made more excuses and blamed me for how unhappy he was.

    You can do this!

    • I cannot tell you how much I agree with all of this. Start documentation of everything you do for that baby now. Leaving him off the birth certificate might be the most effective way to get him out of your life. That little bit of child support may not be worth all the legal fees it will cost you should he assert his “parental rights” and become a thorn in your side!

      • 100% agree. Leave NOW and DON’T put him on the birth certificate. And if you can afford to do it on your own.. do it. I would say don’t even go for child support. When guys don’t want to pay anything for their child that is when they start asking for custody.. My ex wants more custody just so he doesn’t have to (in his own words) “Pay a dime” for our child. Even with the time he has with her now she just sits on an Ipad or watches a movie. He doesn’t want her to spend time with her. He wants her for the control and so that he doesn’t have to pay for her.

        Leave, move far away. You won’t regret it I promise.

    • Go home to your parents RIGHT NOW, you need to establish that that place is your and the baby’s home. Get STD tested too, right away, but seriously, pack you bags, GO HOME to your family and friends. This guy has rights and he can force you to stay after the baby is born. He then can choose to move to YOUR town and do the right thing by this baby (meaning child support etc, don’t get with him), we will see if that’s what he really wants.

  • You wonder about raising a child alone. Go home where your support is. Your family and friends will be the ones who help you. Hillary Clinton was right. It takes a village. Go home to your village.

    • 100%. Being near my village after my marriage ended has been the key to my success. It can be pride swallowing at times, especially if you’re receiving financial or housing support, but ultimately in everyone’s best interests. I realized how having that village was a gift, and sadly a luxury compared to others. So, this lady has it…take it! And, as long as you are diligently working toward obtaining your success and independence, any decent village will be happy to support you.

  • KOC, here’s what we all have in common with our Fuckwits — they knew we would be hurt by their behavior, did it anyway, kept doing it, and kept coming back to extract value from us.

    You don’t want to commit to any type of future with a person like that.

  • Honey – I know you want to cling to the notion that it was just sex. It is a balm as you grapple with the avalanche of emotions.

    Here’s the thing – an OW who is in a “sex only” relationship is not heartbroken when she learns of your pregnancy.

    Read Chump Lady’s response again and again. You are wounded and reeling but you are also empowered to walk with all of CN on the peaceful side.

    • Seriously.. she’s heartbroken..bs! & yeah, sounds like good advice to leave him off the birth certificate. Good riddance that.

      • In marriage counseling, my ex cheater said “what’s the big deal if one little tiny piece of my penis touches one little tiny piece of her vagina!?” It was a four month affair where they “fell in love” and he supported her through a cancer scare by taking her to her dr appt. I am much more traumatized by the lying, gaslighting, and minimizing than the sex or the dr appt. But I was appalled at the fact he would expect me to trust his judgment on who constitutes a risk for pregnancy and disease without my knowledge. Despite the horror of all that, I wreckonciled with him. I thought he was a remorseful unicorn. It took three years before he blew up our lives again. The first time I should have quit my job, declared bankruptcy, and taken my two young kids to my parents in another state to start over. The heartbreak would have been just as bad, but we would have recovered more quickly and he would have faced serious consequences.

  • He’s low level and trashy. You will always be depressed to be near him and listening to the lies. Progress forward and be with clean honest people. He’s not a partner nor a role model for your child. Lawyer up and get child support you need and pack up move home to be with family and friends who care for you and love you.

    People who stay in disfunctional relationships develope different forms of mental illiness. CPTSD’s is common. Plus it is easier to pick yourself up to be out of the disfunction. He’s never going to be able to function without lying to someone. They just go forward with someone else and do the same.

    You have an easy clean break of not being married to him. Just go!

  • “Constant devaluing, pick-me dancing for someone’s “happiness” and never being found acceptable is TERRIBLE for children.”

    It’s terrible for your children and terrible for you. Coming out of the fog is a long and exhausting road. Wondering what you meant to that person after years of investment means months of unraveling the skein. And then kicking yourself for investing all that time in a losing proposition (and deep down, you knew it would be – no amount of hoping makes it otherwise) makes the journey back to finding your self-worth again a troubling one.

    If you have the means, leave. It will hurt and you will have to parent with a fuckwit. But, you will model to that child self-reliance and inner strength. I am only able to effectively give my kids that now after 15 years of bending myself into a pretzel for someone who always let me know “nope, that’s not quite good enough”.

  • My ex had an affair during my entire third pregnancy and I never denied him sex: not once.
    Cheaters cheat because they are cheaters.
    Knocked Up, dear woman, don’t reconcile. Get rid of the dog while it’s easy. Care well for yourself and your baby. Love yourself, because you deserve it and your fuckwit will never give you love.

  • “It was just sex” or what I heard “It’s not what you think it is!” The only difference is that I heard that after 24 years of marriage. There were red flags when I met my ex. One of them was how he treated his prior girlfriend. Her first year in college, he was feeling neglected so he cheated on her hoping she would find out and dump him. Two years later he told me this when we first started dating and I didn’t run. I was so enchanted by the love bombing and the fact that he wanted to marry me, that it never occurred to me that I would suffer the same fate.

    24 years later (plus three torturous additional years in wreckconciliation) and he tells our marriage counselor that “This is how he ends relationships. He cheats on the person he’s with so they’ll dump him.” If it was good enough for the girlfriend of his youth, it was good enough for the wife that stayed with him through a quarter of a century and bore his children.

    Knocked up Chump-the only winning move is not to play this game. Being a single mother is not the end of the world. Being married to a fuckwit for more than half of your life is a far worse fate. They don’t change. It’s just not in their DNA.

    RUN!!

  • I have a couple of thoughts.

    He blamed you and your unborn child for cheating. He says you were not having sex so he had to take care of it somewhere else. You are to blame for his cheating. Not him. He is simply an innocent man with a penis you refused to help.

    Now he is sorry and really wants to work it out and shares his locations with you. This will probably last a couple of months until you are feeling better and more trusting. Then he will “forget” or he will tell you that you need to get over it. “Why don’t you trust me? ” and you will feel guilty. This is a pattern cheaters follow. My ex did this for over 2 years, I would find texts and he would be so sorry. He would hand me his phone, give me his computer to check, etc. Then a few weeks later he gets mad that I would DARE question his loyalty. This went on for 2 years. He was cheating the whole time. Even when he gave me his phone, he had deleted any sign of her. His computer was clean too. They figure out a way to cheat. They are sneaky and liars.

    I had 2.5 years of this crap, hopefully you can get out now and avoid this. You and your baby deserve better.

    • You are 100% correct Chumptastic. I was told that I didn’t make him feel wanted and he cheated on me for a year and a half. Then when he was caught, he gave me all of his passwords and asked me to put a tracking app on all of our phones. He said he didn’t want to lose his family or want a divorce. After stupidly giving him another chance, he started cheating 4 months later for another year until I kicked him out. They just get sneakier about it. That was after he being together for 20 years.

      KUC-get out now. At first it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but eventually you’ll realize it was the best thing you’ve ever done. Your baby wants momma to be happy too. Years of devaluing momma, is something a child shouldn’t have to witness. You can do it!!

    • This is exactly right. My cheater just tried to tell me that I have never trusted him. I was completely dumbfounded. Uh no. This is a way to blameshift his guilt onto you and minimize his own guilt while marginalizing your feelings.
      Chumptastic, you are spot on and I needed that little nugget to clarify my own feelings.
      Thank you.

  • If it’s just sex with the OW (or OM) what exactly is sex with the chump? Just SWB (sex with benefits). The chump is for just for sex and … cooking, cleaning, lawncare, extra money, back and foot rubs, car care, grocery shopping, chauffeur, façade of normal family life …

    • Yup. He may currently find you to be more useful to him than the OW (which is why he’s choosing you over her – for now) but he doesn’t actually care about you any more than her. You’re both just things that he finds to be Of Use to him.

  • What CL says is the truth. Your life with a cheater will be hell.
    You will end up parenting solo whether you stay with him or not.
    Make the sane & healthy choice for you & your child. Get away from the insanity now while you still have your health & clear mind.
    I wish someone who’d been through this had warned me thirty years ago. But it’s never too late to learn. I learned the hard way through living with a cheater. It’s not a life that you’d want for yourself or your child.
    Visit CN often & get the support that you need. So sorry you’re going through this.
    (((Hugs)))

  • #1 – Ok, so he was just using her for sex and she means nothing to him. Do you want to be with a man who uses and manipulates people even if it isn’t you?

    #2 – Thank God you haven’t had sex with this creep in 7 months or you might have even more infections. Definitely let you OB GYN know what has been going on because it probably started before you weren’t having sex so he needed to get his needs met elsewhere. We already know he is a liar.

    • Good morning CIR, you have given me a lot of advice and support on this forum the last 4 months.
      Update on my situation: woke up at 2am last night with that nasty anxiety and a pit in my stomach. Could not get back to sleep. Took my dog for a great river walk at 5am. Made my decision that I cannot live like this and I am willing to pay the price.
      In laws picked up our 2yr old daughter for the holiday yesterday and the plan was for wife and me to meet them there. Before I left for work, I calmly told my wife I will not be joining her for vacation and a few days apart may help us gather our thoughts. She flipped out of course.
      Looks like she will be headed out to see a lawyer today. I’ve had many consultations, I know the shitty deal, and I have a lawyer on standby.
      It may be premature, but it looks like I finally mustered the guts and courage to leave the cheater.
      Please wish me good luck or ideally pray for me as I begin the next shitty part of this nightmare.

      • Congratulations Mac1234, that is a very big step. Sometimes you don’t feel brave doing it but when you look back you will see it for the act of courage that it is.

        “She flipped out of course.
        Looks like she will be headed out to see a lawyer today.”

        Here is a gentle reminder that you can drive the ship – it is not up to her to make the decisions. I know you have a sticky situation with legitimate concerns but she is going to do what she is going to do. You plot your own course. I’m just pointing this out because for years I felt like that plastic bag in the movie American Beauty – just being thrown around by random winds. I wish I had realized the amount of control over things I did actually have. Maybe not everything external, but so much more control of my internal world than I realized.

        I hope that makes sense. I’m sending big cyber hugs, a prayer for peace and a 🏆 for taking this first momentous step. Keep us informed of how it goes and try to enjoy our national celebration of independence. Independence takes many forms 🙂

        • Roger that. I called the lawyer and left a message saying I’m ready to pay the retainer. I would not object to the cheater filing first but I’m not waiting for it either.
          I’ll be away from her until Monday so there is no pressing matter.
          She doesn’t have access to my employer stocks and she can’t sell the house today. In other words, the significant assets are already protected.
          I’ve made my peace with the costs, consequences, and unknowns.
          I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m taking the first steps.
          Thanks CN & CL. I’m 28 and only married for 5 years. Raising my toddler will be a huge challenge but leaving the cheater is quite clearly my only solution.
          I will be a chump nation success story.

          • Yes you will. You are young and gainfully employed. You will recover. We look forward to hearing about it later.

          • In some states, you have more protections if you file first. Ask your lawyer and get a head start on your wife.

          • I felt a great empowerment filing first. Sometimes there really is only one clear choice. It’s funny, he never thought that I had any say in this, that it was his and only his decision. It’s a hard first step but wait until you feel all that stress start to lift off your shoulders. It was shortly after I filed that I could finally get an uninterrupted sleep. Being in limbo sucks. Having a path, albeit a curvy/bumpy one, is so much better. Good luck!!

            • Appreciate it! Lawyer is retained and I’m filing ASAP. The assets are protected and I have truth on my side (the real truth not the delusional cheater truth lol). Temporary relief that the decision is final feels great. I’m ready to make it through the shitstorm.

          • Congratulations on your bravery! I agree with others about driving the ship. If you file first, in most jurisdictions you are “petitioner” and that means if this thing goes to court you get the first chance to speak at the judge, which, IMO, is always beneficial. Your attorney can set the tone.

            Unsolicited recommendations:
            * Keep you attorney on retainer as a consultant but attempt mediation with your ex (if you can handle it). It’s cheaper and can result in a better outcome overall. Play the long game. I wouldn’t even tell her you have an attorney on retainer, but run everything by your attorney before signing.

            * Act swiftly but calmly. If you can stomach it, do little things to appease her until it’s all done and signed. I’m not encouraging lying, but…so far you’ve been her good little chump…if she thinks you will keep being her good little chump in perpetuity, she might go along a lot better with your and your attorney’s ideas. Once she signs, then you go no-contact/gray rock. The ego on these people is so great, if you keep catering to it just enough during the process, things may go better for you. I couldn’t do this myself, was too sick to “play nice,” but I wish I had been able to muster the guts. I think my ex would have signed almost anything if I had kept feeding him kibbles.

            * It’s really personal as to how to divide assets, but I’m of the opinion that I’d rather give up more current assets to avoid paying spousal support. It’s a piece of mind thing. You’ll always pay child support if you’re the higher earner, but that’s easier to mentally manage cause, in theory, it goes directly to the well being of your child. And don’t sweat the small stuff. If you can manage to let it go and she wants it, do so. Not only will it look better to a judge if it goes to court, but it feels better just to blow these things off. Big picture is you’ll want as much of your equity and future earnings as you can get.

            * Be the safe, sane, stable parent AT ALL TIMES. Do not argue with her, especially in front of your child, do not engage in any controversial way. Just walk away and say “I won’t argue with you, I just want to get through this thing.” If (when, they all do) she freaks out at some point, you can collect your child and leave to a safe location nearby–stay gone one or two nights–document it by sending an email to your attorney or even to yourself as a diary entry. Let her know via email that you and your kid are safe and nearby but you left out of fear for your child’s mental and physical well being because of her behavior and when she cools down you’ll return. But, then return in a reasonable time frame with the child. Document, document, document.

            * She will freak out. As it becomes more real what she is going to lose, she will freak out. Expect her to go off the rails. If she doesn’t, great. But be prepared for the worst case scenario. Have a plan (see above) for if you need to leave the house with your kid. Document it ALL! I send emails to myself about behavior. I could have never foreseen the way my “mild mannered” ex acted during our divorce. I had to flee my home in fear with my child twice. He became a monster. I was caught off guard and flailed. Don’t let that happen to you.

            *Everything you do between now and finalized divorce should be to look favorable to a judge and to get a fair settlement. It is a soul sucking endeavor, but if you keep your side of the street clean, play the long game, and just keep moving forward you will come our alright.

            Best of luck.

            • Thank you for your tips! Lawyer is retained. I’m filing asap but I won’t lose sleep if she beats me to the punch. My future is brighter than my present regardless of how the divorce unfolds.

              • Congrats on taking the next step. Sending you strength as you navigate the next chapter. The worst part (the discovery) is behind you. You are on the right path for building a better life for you and your child. It won’t be easy at times but it will be worth it. The cheating will never stop but you can stop participating. Stay mighty!

      • I hope making this decision will at least lift one weight off your shoulders. I hope you will fare better than you fear in the near term. You certainly will in the long term. Fight for your daughter whatever happens. She is your world now. Hugs from all of us at Chump Nation. We all wish you the best.

        • Thank you CIR! It was so hard to see the correct solution at first. It was hard to digest the ugly truth. I kept coming back. People like you offering wisdom here turned the tide. The calculations check out. Best solution is leave a cheater, gain a life. I’ll keep coming back here with updates and will surely need the continued support of ex chumps who made it through.

      • Hey Mac, remember your story. Glad to hear you’re moving forward.

        Be very careful with what information you tell your wife moving forward. Run everything by your lawyer (and therapist, if you have one). Your wife is no longer your partner and cannot Beverly trusted. The fact she flipped out shows she hates being held accountable and isn’t sorry, so you should be prepared for more histrionics down the road.

        Best preventative is keeping your plays close to the chest and only confide in your team. And keep an eye on your finances!

        • Thank you. Yeah this is the run of the mill CN saga with a narc. Divorce won’t be pretty but I’ll have my dignity and my soul when all is said and done.

      • You be the sane parent. It will be hard, but staying with them is harder. Good luck. Your in my prayers.
        Carer Chump
        Australia

  • Pick me! Pick me! I have insight!

    I took my cheater back in 2013 because the girl he was just “flirting with” at the (community) theatre “meant nothing” and the only time he kissed her was on stage and he just found her attentions backstage “flattering” and he “couldn’t live without me and the kids” [insert crying] (she also used to offer to look after our kids, came to our house to “rehearse” kissing scenes when I had a new born, and followed me in her car – fun!) I told him to get rid of her and he did. I couldn’t bear to split up my family. I had a 15 month old and a newborn.

    Fast forward to 2017 and after literal YEARS of hell (looking after two children and a man-child is hard when you are also the fkn breadwinner) SURPRISE SURPRISE he met another girl at another theatre. This one even more crazy (she was playing Lady Macbeth and he Macbeth). In April 2018 I got the full “I love you, I’m just not IN love with you” speech. On the day my dad was hit by a car.

    So I wasted 5 fucking years of tearing my hair out, being the breadwinner, trying to lose weight so he wouldn’t be tempted to fall in love with another amateur actress, having sex with him ALL THE FKN TIME…. and he did it anyway. And chose to tell me about it on a day when I just wanted comfort.

    My point is: you can’t win with these ones. They will get you in the end, any way they can. If you take him back now he will just find a new way to screw you even harder in 5 years. Why? I don’t know why. It’s irrelevant. But it will happen AGAIN. Trust me.

    Better to spend your energy on an ACTUAL child than have your energies diverted by a man child who is just biding his time until he can destroy you again. You have every right to ditch him now. Also, your sanity depends on it.

  • ONE MOMENT, ONE HOUR, DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING ONE DAY AT A TIME IS HOW YOU DO IT….and that’s worked for me under any and all circumstances.

    You are already alone.
    You NOT be alone raising the baby with an awesome circle of friends around you.

    He is NOT qualified to be in the awesome circle of friends. This male human, masquerading as a man in a committed relationship, is NOT your friend.

    STAY HERE, READ, GATHER STRENGTH, and JUST DO TODAY. There are many here who did was you are facing and have triumphed.

    ON YOUR OWN IS LIGHT YEARS BETTER THAN BEING WITH A JERK.

    Lots of love to you.

  • Go back to your parents’ house until the baby is born and you are fully recovered. You want the baby to be born in that jurisdiction so that is where you file for child support.

    See a lawyer about filing for support and getting full custody. Don’t let him be taking your newborn for 50/50 custody, with the OW playing “mother.” Let him show you, while you are living with people whose hormones aren’t all wonky because of pregnancy, how he intends to handle himself. Let him face people who love you. He’s broken the agreement you had to exclusivity. He’s lied. He’s put you ar risk. He’s put the baby at risk. So you need to hit the re-set button and get to a place where you aren’t living with him and where you can clear your mind and think straight.

    Get to the doctor, ASAP. Better if you are with your parents if you get bad news. You MUST protect yourself and the baby.

    He is not “all you have.” You have family and friends. You have a baby. If you stay, he WILL be all you have while you stay home with a newborn wondering where he is. It’s quite possible that he’s telling you that he and the OW is over to prevent you from leaving and filing for child support. Right now, he’s testing to see if you are willing to defend and protect yourself, your life, and your child. Staying with him tells him he has the upper hand. You write, “he went and has that [sex] taken care of somewhere else and that was it.” That’s a man who will never play on a level playing field. He is willing to keep you in the dark, to risk your health and the baby, because YOU, his pregnant girlfriend, are struggling with infections he probably gave you in the first place.

    Going home to your parents and staying there with very limited contact with him accomplishes these things:
    1. It puts him on notices that you won’t ever be a victim.
    2. It allows you the space and support to think clearly.
    3. It provides you with the support to deal with what you learn from the doctor or with other complications of pregnancy.
    4. It means you won’t be alone with a newborn. You will have physical help and emotional support while you recover.
    5. It means your residence and the baby’s will be where you have support. He can move to be with you if he’s serious.
    6. Family. Friends. Love. Safety. Support.

    Three weeks ago, the OW was fighting hard enough for him that she contacted you. What makes you think she’s not in contact with him through secret apps, a burner phone or some other means? He’s a liar. A cheater. A manipulator. He’s not a prize. He’s not “all you have.” You have family, friends, means to move. You have intuition, which is telling you to go. That’s why when you go back to him you feel torn. The conscious part of you is saying “this is hard” and your intuition is saying “run.” Always listen to your intuition. Millions of women have walked this road before you. They’ve raised great and mighty children with the help of family and friends. And if you leave and fix your picker, you will no doubt end up with a wonderful man. A young mother I know married the man who got her pregnant. He was a golden boy, with money and a business. Another child came along and he cheated with an underage girl. He goes to prison. She gets a divorce and married a man who loves her and her kids. The X delivers pizza.

    Let go of this man. You can take a year or two and see how he behaves when he doesn’t have you pregnant and scared and under his thumb. See how he deals with you when you have your family protecting your back. My guess is that what you see—a cheating jackass–is what he is.

    • You don’t want to decide you want to move after the baby is born and have the court tell you NO. Move NOW. Preserve your option to raise the baby where both of you are loved.

    • OMG, print this out and frame it, KUC. I know you may be attached to your ob/gyns but have your baby in the jurisdiction that is best to force baby daddy for child support that MUST be garnished through his wages.

      Not until 19 grueling years later did I find out my X cheated when I was pregnant, and I wish I’d known early to avoid a lot of pain and heartache. It’s not easy, but you can raise a child in your own (and single parenthood is infinitely easier than raising a baby with a fully-grown toddler in the house). Hugs!

  • I am remarried. Sometimes I don’t get to have sex when I want to. Know what I do? I take care of my own sexual needs. Because I am an adult who agreed to monogamy and I have a feckin’ moral compass. I am mature and self-managed, so I don’t need other people to validate me sexually.

    I am not trying to sing my own praises here. What I AM saying is that mature, self-managed adults aren’t so desperate for others’ validation that they would need to have sex with another person just because they can’t have sex with their partners.

    I really don’t care what his reasons/justifications are for having sex with another person. He clearly knew it was outside the agreements of the relationship or it wouldn’t have been a secret or required lying.

    He is 100% in the wrong and he knows it, or he never would have deleted or withheld the information.

    Our writer’s struggle is not that she doesn’t recognize all of this, it seems, but more that she worries about raising the baby alone. I submit that raising the baby in conjunction with this cheater is bad for the baby. This cheater will teach deception, untrustworthiness, immature personal skills, and disrespectful attitudes toward women via his behavior, and maybe even create attachment and abandonment issues for the baby, and that’s not healthy stuff.

    I say, for the baby’s sake, it’s time to release the cheater, do your own healing work and boundary setting practice, and raise this baby in a healthy environment that doesn’t have a pathological list living in it. That’s my spin on it.

    • (I’ll just say, too, that I exist in the oft maligned minority of people who believe that it can be better to release any offer of $ support if doing so also releases you from the burden of a terrible co-parent. Sometimes it’s better if assholes don’t have any parental rights, and if you can accomplish that, it’s worth any money you have to give up. Each situation is unique, of course, I am just saying, don’t rule it out.)

      • I know of people who’ve done that. It’s worth it, especially in cases where there has been abuse. It’s better to deal with the loss of child support than it is with the fear that the court-ordered supervised visitation gets modified after the sperm donor has managed not to hit anyone (that the law knows of) for a while.

      • I have been in this situation and often they don’t even have to pay any support. To be honest though, I would rather go without even a penny from my lying narc of an ex than allow him to wreak havoc in my life and that of my child.
        He even took me to court for access – which I had not actually denied him – and was basically told by the court to accept the reasonable offer that I had made. After all that stress and expense (a couple of thousand legal fees on my side) he managed to keep up his visits for precisely four months before he got bored and we haven’t heard from him since. I thank providence daily for his continuing absence!

      • Good point, Amiisfree. Best scenario is to get child support from a fuckwit who won’t co-parent and stays out of the picture. But getting no child support and keeping fuckwit out of the picture is next best option (though talk to a lawyer about getting fuckwit to sign a waiver of parental rights, otherwise he could come back in 7 years, having paid no child support whatsoever, and demand a paternity test & parental rights).

      • I also believe this! It was how I got away from my first cheater. The poverty is much preferable to coparenting with a fuckwit. They will usually jump at the chance. Besides, from what I have seen a court order is only as good as the person it is handed too. Ask all the people out there who have been ordered support that have never been able to collect and are owed thousands. If you can get away by offering him financial incentive do so. The fact is your baby doesn’t know him, isn’t attached to him and won’t know he’s gone. This “every kid needs two parents” stuff assumes that both parents are decent people. He has already shown you he is not. Move NOW. Get a lawyer to draw up papers that basically give you sole physical custody in exchange for no financial help. Get him to sign it as soon as possible before he thinks harder. Here is something important I learned as a domestic violence advocate: In 99.9% of cases the temporary custody/child support agreement becomes the permanent order. Make sure that order is vastly in your favor by whatever means necessary. Lawyers always say “Don’t worry you can get it changed later.” DO NOT buy this. Judges like to keep going with the flow and it is much harder to change an established order. This works in your favor if you get him to sign off now. The longer the order is in place the less likely it is to ever get overturned.

  • Knocked up get out now. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. A real man would not cheat on his pregnant girlfriend. Please do not waste any more time on this pos. I wasted 34 years with a man who verbally and financially abused me. When I had a hard time with early menopause. Went through depression, pain during sex. In stead of supporting me. He had a 4 year affair with my cousin. His excuse was she liked to have fun. Get out now. You and your baby deserve happiness. And he sure will cause you heartache.

    • I hear you on that. I’m sorry you went through that. Menopause is bad enough without a cheater being callous and entitled.
      Mine did the same. He claimed he started out just doing it for sex, but “fell for her”, so he didn’t stop even after I was feeling well enough for sex. The irony is she refused him sex after only two times. Yet she was somehow better than me in his deluded mind and he carried on seeing her and texting her daily for over five years. So clearly, it wasn’t really about sex. I suspect it never actually is for any if them. It’s about ego, avoiding responsibility and real emotional intimacy, and living in a childish fantasy world of endless fun and excitement.
      I think men cheat on pregnant women because pregnancy is a time when you deepen your emotional connection with your partner. Nature intended it that way for the good of the baby. But they don’t want that. They go against nature as well as morality and common sense.

      • My Ex always and still does deny ever having sex with my cousin. They only played pool together and talked on the phone. No one dates a person for 4 years and does not have sex. I agree its all about ego. But at least he got to have fun. Now that is all that matters.

  • If there is one thing I have learned about the debacle of my marriage is that you cannot “hope” something into existence in a relationship.

    You will play the waiting game, become ever more miserable for it, become a lesser version of yourself, and provide him “reasons” that he will use against you to justify why he goes back to this behaviour later on.

    A life-long relationship and the adulting that goes with it is very, very hard, even in the most ideal of circumstances. I thought I had the most ideal of circumstances. We both married in our 30s. Both educated professionals. Both from good Catholic families. He was logical, responsible; an all-around good guy. Quiet strength. Accommodating.

    He still cheated and did so for the last couple of years of our marriage. Left believing that life with me was too much busyness and responsibility. He couldn’t handle adulting. He couldn’t handle that I supported him through three major career changes in 11.5 years. That I outearned him. That our life together consisted of two kids (one with a disability), a fixer-upper house, ailing parents, getting kids to their functions. He wanted to have more fun and excitement and went off to pursue it in order to be “happy.”

    I have the kids 65% of the time. He has yet to extend himself beyond the time he’s allotted with the kids, and he has already started scaling back. He just started a new position at his company that will require him to travel fairly regularly, and guess what? I’m the built-in babysitter that he assumes will step in to save the day…so I get to do the same thing I did when married with still nothing in return but his continued shit sandwiches.

    Anyways, your baby-papa hasn’t even been able to remain committed to you and the baby for the duration of a pregnancy. How’s he going to have the strength and fortitude to remain committed for a lifetime?

    I know it’s very saddening to think about the prospect of raising this child on your own. We have all carried the dream of the “ideal” family in which we raise our children with their father and grow old together in joy and satisfaction of the family legacy created together. But, this entire forum is littered with that broken dream. Imagine how much more painful it is to mourn that dream when you believed you were given it for 5, 10, 20+ years, and they leave only to tell you that they realize they never loved you.

    Unfortunately, there is nothing but pain ahead of you with this man. All you can do is minimize it as much as possible, and your will never be better positioned to protect yourself as you are now, although I understand that this may seem like the end of the world. Heed the advice here about how to protect yourself. Surround yourself with your tribe. Prioritize yourself in lots of self-care. And, start creating awesome boundaries for yourself and your child that will make this man have to pull himself up to do his legal duty. Of course, he will try to talk you out of it to show that he can successfully test and move your boundaries. But, remember that he will seek to do what is easiest for him and that includes finding ways to get out of child support, make himself look good as a father who thinks he is doing his duty, and pretend that he can handle a life of responsibility so that he can maintain a respectable image with family and friends – “See! I’m doing the right thing!”

    Lots of hugs to you. You will be mighty. Motherhood is amazing. Please find your peace so that you can enjoy it and grow in love with your baby.

    • Yes! Spot on. The insatiable need for “happiness” by my entitled X Asshat left me alone in my retirement after 31 years together. He proclaimed he never ever loved me. It was all my fault according to him. He couldn’t handle my out-earning him, he wanted to go re-live some imagined lost youth and fuck a 25YO ho-worker, he wanted a big do-over on life as he approached 50. He DESERVED to be happy! His lack of happiness is someone else’s fault!

      Spoiler, he still isn’t happy. He ruined our lives and family and still is dissatisfied. The entitled fucker is STILL dissatisfied! He still blames me for that, too.

      I put up with so much in 3 decades of marriage only to be abandoned in the end and blamed for it all. Please don’t let this happen to you.

      • That is one of the things that gets me most. We put up with so much crap from these jerks for so many years and we remained loyal loving partners. Instead of being grateful to us for that they instead blame their own self inflicted misery on us and our imperfections and half of those imperfections are made up anyway.

        KUC get out now while your dignity is still in tact. This man doesn’t deserve the greatness that is in your or your child.

    • “We have all carried the dream of the “ideal” family in which we raise our children with their father and grow old together in joy and satisfaction of the family legacy created together. But, this entire forum is littered with that broken dream. Imagine how much more painful it is to mourn that dream when you believed you were given it for 5, 10, 20+ years, and they leave only to tell you that they realize they never loved you.” This!!!! I didn’t divorce him when I was pregnant. That was 18 years ago. I regret every day I wasted in devotion to that man. I want a time machine to go back and tell that younger me, get out now, while you’re still young! Consider us your time machine angels, here at a critical moment in your life…. get out now!!!!

    • “…so I get to do the same thing I did when married with still nothing in return but his continued shit sandwiches.”

      No! You don’t! You get your lawyer to ask the court to redefine your custody and support arrangement.

  • I think my first response was eaten.

    RUN to your doctor. Let the OB/Gyn know that he’s cheated on you throughout your pregnancy and probably throughout. Trust that he sucks!

    Then get yourself to an attorney. Child support is the least he can do to be an adult and it is for your child. You don’t have to spend it. You can set up a 529 account, a custodial investment account, a custodial savings account (not much though because the interest earned is paltry) and have it on hand for the stuff that will pop up. Find out if you can move NOW to make it harder for him to seek joint custody later. Yeah, you still have to deal with having bred with a fuckwit, but you can minimize his ability to screw with your life and your child’s life too.

    If moving out means moving to a different state – good.

    Ask the attorney if you really and truly do not want to get child support, do you have to name him on the birth certificate? Can he make your life harder by insisting on DNA testing (that you may have to pay for – ask the attorney) in order to be named as the father? He may be happy to wash his hands of the relationship and baby, or he may not.

    I’m really sorry you find yourself in this predicament. Trust that he sucks now and in the future. Good luck!

  • Right now you are acting as if you have all the power here to stay or to go, to raise the baby “together” or as a single mom, and that is how he has painted it. Cheaters act as if it is all up to us and our pesky boundaries. Them? Oh hey, they are ready to be under the relationship police watch force now that there might be consequences!

    But, what if the sparkledick decides to just poof on you anyway in another few months? This is very VERY likely. If he has the sadz now while you are gestating your shared child, imagine how neglected his wittle self will feelz when you are grappling with a cranky toddler? He will get his needs met elsewhere and he may just walk the hell out. He will make sure you know it is because you couldn’t sufficiently forgive him the first time, something like that.

    For that entitled asshat, life outside your relationship is free easy sex and non-adulting ….and child support. Life inside your relationship is -maybe- exhausted sex and graham cracker crumbs and shit diapers and having to be a grown up….. and child support.

    He will easily choose the first option and blame you and resent you. He has already shown you that when life offers the tiniest of speed bumps he will go fuck strange. You will still be a single mom but will have more trauma heaped upon you by playing relationship police as he goes underground to find his happiness.

    Stop the trauma now and know that it would have ended up this way. There is no going back. I am so sorry assholes like this exist.

  • KOC, so sorry you’ve been put in this position sweetie – but so glad you’ve come to CN. I know the world feels huge and terrifying just now. But please listen to your fellow chumps.
    You cannot trust this man and you know it. Living with a baby and then a toddler is more stressful than living with a pregnant partner. You will have less time and attention for him, not more. He will not be able to handle this. And you can’t trust him, KOC. Why should he stop looking for attention elsewhere? If he tells you he wants the baby and he’ll change, laugh in his face. He can’t commit to the baby BEFORE he has to cope with sleepless nights, dirty nappies,taking the baby for walks.
    Please ditch him KOC and go to the people who will respect you and your baby and take care of you both. He has demonstrated his lack of commitment and empathy, his disrespect and his deceit. Leave now and your baby will be your own. Once he realises you’ve kicked him to the kerb for good, my bet is he won’t want the baby after all.

  • Please, Knocked Up Chump, leave now. I fell for a version of this almost twenty years ago, and twenty years of gnawing anxiety about whether another shoe might drop (and what kind of shoe will it be) is not worth it, no matter how perfect it looks from the outside. Users keep on using, liars keep on lying, cheaters keep on cheating. The person you thought you partnered with doesn’t exist. You can absolutely single parent this child and provide a stable, loving, sane, and safe home–I never imagined I could, but even I have been doing great these last two years. It is so much better to be free of the worry–and the pain (like the pain of childbirth, dare I say?) will absolutely be worth the new life you will have! Good luck–read up on all the excellent advice on this blog, buy the book, and join the forums for more support. You can do this, and it will be so much better on the other side.

  • I had a cheater whom I suspected. It was never confirmed but all the signs were there. We had two children. Things got worse. He became more irrational and resentful. I stayed for the kids. The abuse started. It got exponentially worse after I confirmed the cheating. I stayed for the family…..until I couldn’t take it anymore.
    My oldest was a month in rehab. Both dropped out of college. They are finally both working and
    staying out of trouble. Almost three years post leaving, they seem to be on the right track.
    Don’t stay for your baby. Leave for your baby. You both deserve a life of joy.

  • Anyone who acts this entitled about sex should be avoided at all cost.
    You do not owe him sex. You are not responsible to make or keep him happy.

    Here are my personal red flags all exhibited by my ex during dating and marriage.

    – Felt he was entitled to sex
    – Claimed it should not take any work on his part to make me want to have sex with him
    – When I was on my period and did not want sex, he “suggested” to do other things (aka blow him)
    – He constantly complained he was not getting enough
    – He never really just was nice to me or made me feel safe, he was treating me disrespectfully and then still expected sex
    – When I talked about sex and how we can improve our sex life, he took it as offense
    – When I said no to sex, he would get angry and turn his back on me
    – He made up a story that when I met him and saw him for the first time “I wanted him”; which is not true… I liked him and wanted to spend time with him, but I am simply not a person who develops any sexual interest without knowing a person… he still told everyone the story how I wanted him the minute I saw him. This really bothered me.
    – He always explained how he admired other girls… who would moon people out of cars, show their boobs out of cars, liked sex toys and talked about it openly…
    – He had no concerns or issue with “selling me” for a foursome when I accidentally got drunk at a bar with two new friends of ours… luckily the friends had common decency and said no… he never apologized to me for that one… In hindsight I am quite sure he got me drunk that night on purpose.
    – Always claiming a relationship should not require any work and if something is not right, it is clearly my fault

    Run as fast as you can. You never stay for the kids, you always leave for the kids.

    • It’s always so interesting to me to read what these cheaters have in common. Mine put me through hell for years. All that mattered was his horniness. He didn’t give a fuck if I was sick, tired, menstruating, pregnant, sore from recent birth, if there were children in the room or toddlers crying in my face. The pressure was relentless, it was a living hell. No amount of sex was ever enough. He felt it wasn’t normal that our sex life would ever be anything but me wet and ready all the time. He also wouldn’t listen to me when I told him what I liked, what was stimulating for me, and what was not. He just didn’t care. In his mind, I was the freak, not him. I eventually found out that when we met, he told family/friends that I had “chased” him. WTF? He also constantly talked about his attraction to girls, who was hot, etc, like this was a perfectly normal thing to talk to your wife about . As he got older, the girls he thought were “hot” stayed young. He couldn’t understand why I would find it creepy that he was openly lusting after girls the same age as our own children.
      Since the divorce, I’ve had new relationships, and my eyes have been opened as to what normal/typical sex with a caring respectful partner really is. After being married so long, I had lost site how strange and unusual his sexual tastes were. I won’t be gross with details here, but many of the things he did with me routinely were just flat-out weird. It’s so revolting to me looking back on it. Regrets! Regrets! Regrets!

      • Struggling, that was my story as well. Sex was no longer fun or a way to bond. It was an obligation and a chore. He put so much pressure on me to up my game that I no longer felt excited about it. He would also admire “hot” women and make comments about their breasts, and the idea of engaging in foreplay (beyond groping my breasts for about 30 seconds) wasn’t really something that occurred to him. I can relate to everything you said here.

        Ugh. I’m so glad that he’s not my problem anymore. I hope the OW is as obsessed with porn-level sex as he is, but I have the feeling that she isn’t anymore because he is still sending me cranky, nasty emails! Poor sausage; looks like his perception of what a sex life is supposed to be just isn’t his reality, no matter how much he scrapes the bottom of the barrel (Ashley Madison) for a partner.

    • Dear CN, I appreciate your responses more than words can say.
      I got a full STD panel done and both me and the baby are fine.
      I’m talking to my boss today to get approval for working from home (my parents live 3 hours away) until I give birth and then stay there until my maternity leave is over. That will give me time to look into alternatives and apartments.

      Also he just went trough a messy custody battle and won so he can recommend a good lawyer and I can start looking into having full custody of my baby… I understand what you are saying, he will cheat again, maybe still cheating now.
      I’m still in disbelieve of what an awful person he really is, and wanted to believe that he might be an awful person but the baby would magically ground him into reality, but you are helping me to open my eyes to reality and it’s much needed.

      I’m not sure how to go trough this with my family, this will also break their hearts and I it is so humiliating…

      But I guess it needs to be done to make sure we are a united front right?

      Thanks again for your words they help with loneliness of this mess

      • I remember being too humiliated to tell my parents too… I wish I had told them sooner, I would have gotten support sooner. Yes you need to be a united front! Glad to hear you talk about planning to pursue full custody of your baby. Regarding whether or not he’s still cheating, I’m going to give you some tough love right now: He’s still cheating. Regarding the baby magically grounding him: Let me tell you something all of us older and wiser people have come to understand: Babies don’t bond people together, they don’t make the relationship stronger. Quite the opposite. They test the relationship. I promise you, this cheating deceitful piece of shit would fail miserably. We’ve all been through the “maybe they’ll come to their senses” shit… but someone who could cheat on you and lie to you about it day after day, month after month, doesn’t have any senses to come to. Wish I had understood this sooner…

      • A word of warning; it’s not unusual for some family members to not support you leaving. They were invested in you having a happy family as well and may not be pleased about that illusion being shattered. Try not to take it too personally, but do stand up for yourself to anybody who tries to convince you to stay with that creep. Having kids only makes these losers worse, not better. They don’t like responsibility.

        All the best to you in your new life, free from the torture of living with an entitled, misogynistic asshat who uses women like blow-up sex dolls. You’re grieving for your lost hopes and dreams now, will grieve for quite some time, and that’s normal. Everyone here can assure you that some day you’ll be so relieved that you dodged that bullet.

      • Knocked Up Chump I am so so glad to hear you are infection-free and the baby is doing great. Hooray! You are taking excellent steps to take care of yourself. TERRIFIC!

        Re: your family–I come from a family and friend group with almost no divorces, and I have a mother who really disparaged those who get divorced. Choosing to get divorced entailed explaining to my mother that I needed to do this for excellent reasons (see all above), even though it might make her uncomfortable or even ashamed of me. I was really worried about what would come of it vis-a-vis my family (they are very important to me and we have great relationships and fun together) and especially how my mom would react–but I can reassure you: give your family the chance to know your real needs and situation, and they may surprise you. My mother still can’t say “my daughter is divorced,” but she has been an absolute trooper and steadfast support in all the other ways that count most from the day I laid everything out before her. She ultimately is happy to see me and her grandson safe, sane, and thriving in our new lives. Good luck with next steps, and come back to check in often! You are NOT alone!

      • I’m glad your boss is understanding and can recommend an attorney. Get all the good advice you can, particularly if you can get some of it for free.

        Tell your family and see who surprises you by celebrating your mightiness and that of your baby. Cheating should be a non-starter for any relationship, particularly cheating when your SO is pregnant. It always sucks, but that puts a lot of spin on the backhand!

        Hurray for no STD’s thanks to the asswipe. *whew*

        Play your cards close to your chest. No, scratch that – play them 3 inches behind your sternum. Clue him in on NOTHING. He is no longer on your team. Don’t ask him for support, or kindness or anything else. Get him out or leave the second it’s right for you to do so. Continue to not have sex with him. Don’t look at his phone. Don’t ask where he’s going or who he’s doing. Get yourself in order, leave and don’t look back. He is dead to you, with the exception of the child support check.

        Child support is the minimum he can do for his child. I would hold his balls to the fire for it and have the state riding his ass like they own it for 18 years – if only to have some money put aside for the child in the future.

        Best of luck to you!

      • Really well done for taking these first steps on the road and I’m so glad to hear you and the baby are ok.
        I second what EstellaO said, families sometimes take time to come round.
        Also re your ex and the baby, now you’re going he’s probably going to ramp up the tears, tantrums, threats and lovebombing in order to get you back. Don’t be fooled.
        He might make a big play of how much he loves the baby but dollars to donuts the main thing he loves about that baby is the leverage it gives him over you – either as a guilt trip or a threat.
        If he really loved his child there are ways he can express that love which don’t require you and he to be in a relationship. Don’t fall for the tears , the only person he’s really crying for is himself.

  • How can you relax and be natural with this ‘partner’ ever again?

    You will spend your time worrying…..and fearing…..

  • And remember dear, he was lying up until you showed him proof. He never would have admitted it if you hadn’t forced his hand. Even if his fwb situation was over (which it wasn’t, that’s a complete lie), he was going to let you go on thinking he was this swell guy. He was NEVER going to tell you.

    Same thing happened with my exh. He lied to my face until I bluffed him into thinking I had proof. I didn’t. But 30 seconds before he confessed, he was lying.

    As many people stated, he’s telling you he’ll screw someone else if he feels like it. How will he react to being woken up non-stop through the night? Who will he sneak out to see when he needs a break because he’s “just so stressed cuz the baby cries all day”?

    He blames you and the pregnancy for his cheating now – he’ll blame you and the baby when you find out he’s still still creeping 14 months from now. He’ll say you don’t have time for sex. He’ll say you pay more attention to the baby. It won’t stop. This is who he is.

    I was in a state w/ no fam or friends when my dday hit. It was scary and lonely, but you CAN do it. You don’t give yourself enough credit-you had a life before you met him, you’ll have an even better one with him out of the picture. Act now while you can.

    • This is so important. Cheaters always want credit for their “confessions,” and yet those confessions are never complete, and always only AFTER being exposed anyway. They had no PLANS to confess and make it right.

      My Cheater was the same way. Never confessed until caught, then raged at me for trying to make him change, but then later wanted credit for confessing, as though he had done that voluntarily.

      Word of warning–There might be some RARE occasions in which a cheater really does change, but I would bet those are cases in which the cheater self-reflects, makes counseling appointments, confesses, etc, all on his or her own steam. Cases in which cheaters are caught and THEN try to “change”? I don’t know any cases in which that stuck for the long term. The cheater liked cheating, and they had planned to keep cheating. In that case, given an opportunity, they will cheat again.

      • Amen, Carol. A round of applause for the noble, saint who confesses after being caught. We could all only hope to live by their shining example ::eye roll::

        These idiots are rich lol.

  • I have been in your situation and you need to get out now whilst the getting is good. Believe me, the support he will give isn’t worth having.
    My ex-partner told me all sorts of BS about how he loved me and only me. When I got pregnant he said was going to be there to support me through everything, that we’d make it work etc. In reality I went to most of my prenatal classes alone, sat in hospital alone when I had bleeding, had to make my way home from work or hospital appointments alone late at night. The attentive man he’d been before suddenly disappeared.
    We were supposed to be moving in together but somehow it never happened. He didn’t have the money, didn’t have the time to do X,Y or Z. In the end, I had to move back home with family or face being homeless. He went AWOL when I went into labour and I would have given birth alone if it hadn’t been for my Mum.
    My biggest regret is that instead of leaving him right then, I stayed because I wanted my daughter to have a father. After two more years of this shit (including psychological and physical abuse) I finally left him.
    It was then that I got a phone call from his supposedly ex-WIFE. His wife who – according to him- he had split up with years previously but actually he’d never left her at all. They’d had a baby in the time we’d been together – he’d been lying to us both the whole time!
    How did I not know – I hear you ask?
    You’d be amazed. He was charming, clever and not afraid of telling humongous lies right to your face. Not lies of omission either – lies like “I just found out my mother has cancer (she didn’t) and I can’t talk about this right now” kind of lies. He went to huge lengths to keep up the pretense of being free and single. The apartment I’d thought was his permanent residence was just a bolt hole his family owned. The demanding job he worked? Not so much. Actually he had plenty of free time it turns out and he’d been living a double life shuttling between us whilst at the same time managing to squeeze in some time for an affair with one of his students (he’s an academic) AND other women (possibly prostitutes) on the side (incidentally giving me an STI whilst pregnant).
    His lack of funds? Actually, his family, his wife and I were all bank-rolling his existence while he’d been singing the same sad song about his penniless/ super busy existence to all parties.
    Don’t put yourself through this shit. Move out right now. Speak to a lawyer about custodial rights over the child – DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate. If the child support agency where you are is anything like it is in the UK you’ll only get a tiny amount anyway (£80 a month). Plus he can easily get out of paying just by lying about his income. My ex doesn’t pay me a penny and the child support agency say he isn’t liable for any and they don’t even have to explain to me why not. You won’t be missing out on anything!
    I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you are lucky to be finding out now. Get away from this lying con artist whilst you have the chance or he will go through your life like a wrecking ball.

  • This has already been commented on, but I want to say it again.

    DO NOT believe him about his cheating being just since you were pregnant and he couldn’t have sex with you. Cheaters LIE! If you looked far into it, I’m sure you’d find that it was going on before then. But then he’d come up with another bullshit excuse. That’s what they do.

    • And you’ll notice how this is subtly (or not so subtly) played as Your Fault. You weren’t keeping him satisfied, and that’s why he screwed around! You know what this will transition into? It’s your responsibility to keep him satisfied, and if he ever feels like he is unsatisfied for any reason (including medical hardship), he is entitled to screw around. Take it from someone who has been there–you don’t want to live like that.

  • 7 months is not just sex, that is a relationship. “It was just sex” is the rallying cry of those who do not want to take responsibility. It is the ULTIMATE cake grab. There is no greater minimization attempt.

    I was seeing a guy for 4 months. He had me stay over whole weekends, Friday to Sunday, at his place. Watching movies together, going out to dinner, spending time downtown together, meeting up after work, he’d show me pictures of the equipment he would get at work, etc. He would text me all day, every day, starting at 6:30 in the morning (when we were both up for work.) This was going on for a full four months. And it was he who initiated it all. Suddenly he stopped responding to my texts. There was another woman, and then everything became “It was just sex…” Yeah, no, asshole…

    Was seeing another guy for 5 months. He lived very nearby me. He came over every weekend. I had met him some years before but hadn’t spoken to him in a long time. He reached out to me, we met up for coffee, he would talk to me every day. We talked about going out together, go to movies, watch anime together, etc. Then he drops off the radar too. Pops back up and says “I’m busy.” Nope. Again, another woman, and “It was just sex.” No. Nope.

    4 months of dating is not just sex, 5 months of dating is not just sex, 7 months of dating is not just sex. He’s not just trying to minimize his betrayal to you, he’s trying to minimize it to HER too, probably just to get her off his back. Either way, this was not “just” sex. And even if he did just show up for booty calls, fuck, then leave, that does NOT make it any better.

    CL is correct. A man who cheats on a pregnant woman is a man who cheats. Period. The end. And if he was carrying this on with her for 7 months and you are 7 months pregnant, that means he started banging around pretty much the minute the pee on the stick dried. If not before. So the “I’m just getting it elsewhere because you can’t” excuse holds no water. …Not like it really does anyway but point is, it’s bs.

    You have the financial ability to leave, and you should. This won’t change. If it’s not your pregnancy he tries to use as a scapegoat, it’ll be something else. And every excuse he uses will both minimize his actions and make it your fault. And this OW isn’t going to go away either. If she thinks you have some kind of sisterhood here she’s wrong. Notice she states she only felt bad after finding out you’re pregnant two weeks ago, and not six months and two weeks before. The “rage” she feels? It’s not for you. That’s the Pick Me Dance. It’s the Choose Me Or I’ll Tell Your Wife dance. She doesn’t care that she’s the other woman, she cares that it looks like she might lose that dance (but really…winning it isn’t a prize. No one should want to win that dance.)

    If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else, and someone else, and someone else. Just go. You can do it.

    • “If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else, and someone else, and someone else. Just go.”

      A few years ago I came to this^^^^realization. My XH had/has a harem of women he was/is grooming. The harem was in our relationship for 23 years. I was the wife appliance. I was of use to him. I saw an email message from one of his “just friends”. I saw four Facebook Messenger chats with four different women. He once saw a female work “friend” when we were out in public. As soon as he saw her, he dropped my hand, moved away from me and leaned up against the wall like he wasn’t with me. He went out for a birthday lunch every single year with another “friend”. After D-day, he named off another three women that he “gave up for” me while we were married. That’s ten women and I have no doubt there are a ton more! The whore he’s with is the one I FINALLY caught him cheating on me with. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. She’s one of many OW, so the jokes on her. I’m sure he has her convinced she’s “special, perfect, soulmate, love of his life, woman of his dreams, etc”; all the same things he said to me for 23 years! The day before I caught him out on a date with her, he said a lot of this stuff to me. So she’s no The One. I wasn’t The One. We are all One of Many; interchangeable and replaceable.

      • Yep. That’s pretty much the truth. She’s not special, no one is. The realization that you’re not special kinda sucks, but it’s also freeing because you realize that also means it’s not your fault. Look at the common denominator. Multiple women, one cheater. It’s him.

  • Cheaters cheat. Liars lie.
    Don’t make excuses or “try to understand why.”
    Move on from this toxic situation. You have very little invested.

  • Oh, KU, I feel awful for you. I was in your spot several years ago. My child has been the greatest gift.

    If I could go back in time I would have left him, not included him in the birth, or named him as the father of record. I debated on even telling him about the pregnancy – my gut was screaming, “don’t tell, break it off with him”.

    Alas, I decided to be honest, and honorable because that’s who I am. Now the OW is Super Step Mom. Father continues to harass, bully, manipulate, and threaten. Changed the narrative, withholds support for chuckles, threatens court actions, doesn’t comply with custody order, lies…a big ol’ sloppy Shit Sandwich!

    *You have the chance to reduce the size of the shit sandwich you will have to eat for the next 18 years!

    ALL the above advice is spot on. Get counseling, count on family for support, see an attorney, talk to your OB/GYN, gather friends around. My heart goes out to you; I have 12 years to go… BUT, being a single Mom is GREAT!

  • What an incredible analysis and advice.
    Weapons grade advice!!! BOOM!!!
    CL is a hammer. And to a hammer everything is a nail!!!
    And she nailed it yoday!!!

  • Why is it better if it actually was “just” sex? I’m pretty sure that you don’t get to have “just sex” with other people in a monogamous relationship. There’s no “just” about it. I was pretty devastated about my husband having “just sex” with a bunch of prostitutes. It was still most definitely a dealbreaker.

  • A man who thinks he is entitled to sex from any woman he can find is not going to be a good father.

    A man who thinks he is entitled to sex, period, is a man who is at risk to sexually abuse children.

    Get out, get away.

    • Here is the thing for me. You are a pregnant girlfriend, right? Did your boyfriend start going to your OB/gyn or midwife appointments with you? No? How about reading ‘What to Expect When You Are Expecting’? No? Did he act thrilled AND show behavior to match? No? If I were a guy who loved his pregnant girlfriend I would be asking the Ob/gyn Midwife if it was okay to have sex still or would it hurt the baby? No? Okay…at bare minimum did he ask if you could still give him hand or blow jobs? No? There is your answer and all that you need to think about. He failed to exhibit minimal care, concern for you and the baby’s health or even attempt to talk with you about his needs nor even try to figure out something that would work for all three of you. Run Away Now!

  • 7 months long affair isn’t just sex. Sorry.

    This loser put your and your child’s lives and health at risk. Can only echo others to tell your GYNO asap about what you’ve just discovered. Your infections are likely linked to his cheating and it’s possible it’s been going on much longer than you know about. Meaning you caught one, but usually there are many. My friend suddenly kept getting yeast infections, turned out her bf was cheating. So yeah. Beware.

    Cheating is not a one off event. It’s a lifestyle. It’s not about you, your worth, what you have to offer. It’s about the cheater being effed in the head and there is no cure for that.

    You have family, friends, and money to get away from this loser. Do it! Do not wait. Do not tell yourself that this cheating loser is all you have. Quite the contrary, it’s the only thing you don’t need in your life.

    Raising a child is hard, dealing with a cheater while raising a child is a million times harder. It’s like trying to swim upstream with a boulder around your neck. That’s how much a cheating low life drags you down. You feel stuck and confused and unable to take a step precisely because that’s how cheating losers affect you. Lose the dead weight. Cut that boulder off your neck so you can actually swim free with full force. Pack your stuff, go back to your family, friends, your support system and do not look back. You are not alone. You have people who actually care about you. A cheater isn’t capable of that.

    Life is just easier without a cheater. Period.

  • Knocked Up,

    Run! Run!! Run!!!

    I was married to someone who cheated on me when I was pregnant. We also had a one year old son at the time. Fast forward 14 years and guess what? I caught him out on a date with a newly divorced whore. He was seeing women behind my back the entire 14 years. Actually, he was seeing women behind my back our entire relationship of 23 years. I have no idea how many times he actually cheated on me or if all these women were “just friends”. This creep will never ever be faithful to you. Take Chump Lady’s EXCELLENT advice and leave this creep. I wish I would have left the first time he devalued me — 1992, when he started his first big job out of college. We weren’t even engaged yet. I was so confused as OVERNIGHT he turned into a totally different guy. And then he did it again when I was pregnant with #2. Trust all of us chumps that have went through what you are going through — THEY DO NO CHANGE! ((((HUGS)))) to you. We are here for you.

  • This happened to me when I was pregnant with my first child but I was married. He divorced me shortly after our daughter was born and then came back two years later when OW dumped him (I didn’t know about her until shortly before the dumping). I took him back and remarried him. I can’t say I regret it totally because I wouldn’t have my second child BUT I now believe and have significant proof that he never missed a cheating beat. These guys never, ever change. After a total of 40 years married I left. For good. It’s hard and painful but I second everything everyone here has said. RUN. It’s the best thing you can do even though it sucks. The damage he will do to you and your child is immeasurable. You will find a new life and your child will be better off without a cheating, entitled asshole father modeling bad behavior.

  • Knocked Up Chump— huge 2×4: run home to your family today. Go completely no contact. Get the best lawyer in your home state that there is. File for support as appropriate under that law. Pray he completely abandons s d you NEVER EVER have to subject your precious baby to his abuse.

    I have 3 kids with X. Serial cheater. Just as Tracy says, when THEY caught him on Christmas he turned on THEM! He blamed me and THEM — he screamed to our 10, 15, and 19 year old that he “HATED every minute of their lives and they made” him “miserable!” They cried so hard they vomited. He wasn’t sorry at all. He left. My middle daughter almost succeeded in killing herself and was in a lock down psych ward, became addicted to benzodiazepines, dropped out of dance, cheer, high school, gave up all friends, refused to leave her bedroom except to party. Oldest became suicidal and gave up college scholarship and moved home where he smokes pot 24/7 to deal. Youngest developed disabling panic attacks and terrible anxiety. X did this to them!!!!!

    Run away pregnant mama——NOW!!

  • This post takes me back to my pregnancy with TEO/exh2.
    I remember the moment of conception with DD, as I do with all three of my kids.
    With DD though, exh2 wouldn’t touch me in any way after we found out I was pregnant about 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy.
    At the time, he was working the overnight shift., so we didn’t see each other much during the week.
    I honestly believe he was cheating even then, probably phone-sex or even cyber-sex, but I refused to even ponder it. He rejected me every turn saying he didn’t want to hurt the baby, but I’m talking not even kiss me because he didn’t want to arouse me. Ugh. Sigh. OK.

    Next thing that this post reminds me of is getting a DM on Facebook one night a few weeks after GTFO-day from someone I didn’t know saying first off, that she was so sorry for having a six-month-long affair with exh2. She went on to say that she realized too late that he was a liar about me as a wife, as a woman, as a mom. The message made it clear this affair was all online/phone- they never met in person, but she showed me enough to validate her claims.
    This message came a few days after I had spent the half the night crying and praying to God for the truth to be revealed, since exh2/TEO wasn’t telling me anything.
    She messaged me a couple months after he dumped her. We talked on the phone and I told her about the AP that I knew about around D-Day, and I went on to tell her about the OW that would go on to become Mrs. Dumb-ass.
    That’s why TEO dumped her— this girl was convinced that she was going to move 1,500 miles here, get married, and raise my Autistic daughter because she was told that I ” didn’t want her” and that I “couldn’t handle her and he did everything for DD”
    Two days before she was scheduled to move, he dumped her. I told her that he dumped her because he found OW and that she had better options to his tastes.
    Now, here’s the jacked-up part— she got pissed at all the truth-bombs I dropped on her — so she called TEO and told him everything she and I talked about.
    TEO’s story about the whole affair with her was all a scam against her. She was a g.f. in high school, I think they were engaged too, I can’t remember, anyway he said that he had a grudge against her long ago and that he contacted her, had this thing with her, then dumped her in “epic” fashion to pay her back for this grudge he’d held against her for 20 years.

    Holy shit, they’re so fucked up.

  • I felt a great empowerment filing first. Sometimes there really is only one clear choice. It’s funny, he never thought that I had any say in this, that it was his and only his decision. It’s a hard first step but wait until you feel all that stress start to lift off your shoulders. It was shortly after I filed that I could finally get an uninterrupted sleep. Being in limbo sucks. Having a path, albeit a curvy/bumpy one, is so much better. Good luck!!

    • Me too. Once I finally accepted what was happening, being the one who took the legal action felt like a first step at regaining my former self.

    • Same! When I told him I wanted a divorce (8 months after D-day, 1.5 months after I finally kicked him out), he was like “you already decided this?!? But I haven’t decided if I want a divorce!”

      FFS. Not your decision. The entitlement is mind blowing.

  • You know what you need to do for the success and health of you and your child…the question really is just WHEN you will do the Very Difficult Thing. I urge you to do it NOW, before baby is born. Leverage every single support system you have and escape. Like, tomorrow. Pack and go. Deal with the details next week. You are in the middle of an emergency–your house is burning down, get you and your baby out NOW.

    Details to deal with once you’re in a stable and safe living environment: lawyer for child support and custody arrangement, getting your stuff, etc. If he has exposed you to STDs that compromised your health, look into your state laws to see if you can sue him for that. In some states, that is considered a battery and you can get compensation for it.

    Best of luck. There’s nothing to save here. You can raise this child alone if you need to (and maybe he helps, TBD). Find your strength. This will be the first very brave thing you will do for the betterment of your child, certainly not the last, so be brave.

    My marriage ended at a very challenging time in my life–middle of a health crisis, father was very ill, in graduate school, etc. And my ex behaved so terribly during divorce I thought for sure I would not survive. I did. I managed my health problem, I graduated college (albeit with a lower GPA than I would have had otherwise), my dad got better (thankfully). It took time, work, tears, exhaustion, and a lot of “letting go”…but things are good now. It can be for you too.

    Take all the support from family that you can muster, be humble and hard working, cry when you need to, be brave and kind to yourself, persevere. You’ll be great and your child with be all the better for it.

  • Get a lawyer, tell him what the custody will be, move out, and go to domestic relations w/lawyer and that money will come right to u for support. Protect u and ur child. Fuck him.

  • It doesn’t matter if it was “just sex” or a full blown romantic love relationship. It was done WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Without your knowledge. Without care of how it would impact you physically or emotionally.

    This man is not partner material. Period.

    Being a single mom is hard. Sometimes really hard. But you can do it and it is so rewarding. And you’ll likely be a single parent either way – even if you were still with the fuckwit, you’ll be the one doing the heavy lifting of raising your baby (my youngest was 2 on D-day – and looking back I single-parented him his whole life, my ex did nothing, AND I felt responsible for my ex’s happiness on top of all the parenting. That is an awful way to live). Get out and raise your baby without having to manage your man-child too. It is better!! Truly! Raise your child with your values. Model healthy relationships. Find a good support network and take time for yourself too. We got you!

  • If you are concerned about raising a child alone, rest assured he will already be doing that. Even if he’s in the house. I have eight children with my ex, and she did next to nothing to take care of them. I was the one taking them to school events, extracurricular activities, doctors appointments, cooking dinner, doing all of the shopping, etc. In fact in a lot of ways it would have been easier to raise them without her present because I kept having to clean up after her as well. Or having expectations that she would help out that she did not meet.

  • No contact.
    No contact.
    No contact.
    If forever feels impossible-just sample the no contact for 3 days, and observe the results.
    It’s been said before, but my worst day as a single mom is exponentially better than my best day with an abusive partner.
    We are all running with you.
    “Cause females are strong as hell”.

    • “My worst days as a single person/divorced/mum are better than the best days with my ex”.

      Sometimes it’s hard to see it that way, particularly if your perspective is tainted by depression. But indeed, my worst days are still better than my best days with him.

      That clicked with me, so I’m gonna start using it whenever I miss my ex. Thank you!

    • Thank you, just blocked everything.
      Even his mom that keeps looking for me, I know she means well…but I’m guessing is not healthy right now

  • I was 5 months pregnant, he slept with a prostitute on his bucks night. Everyone at the wedding knew. I cried walking down the isle. He had slept around on his first wife, he said he had learnt his lesson and would never go through a divorce again. I was to afraid to be a single mum, thought I would look a loser. I put up with 20 years of being treated like shit, so much infidelity, stayed for the kids and he tried to turn them away from me. He always just used me for money and as a front. Please don’t be as stupid as I was. Having the best years now

  • KUC – Have to reiterate the advice to leave the sperm donor and don’t look back. Even though you’ve made up your mind to leave, you will likely continue to go through the roller coaster of emotions that you stated in your letter. It’s natural and unfortunately we’ve all been through it. It’s hard to leave a relationship with someone you’ve bonded with even when it’s the right decision.

    Sounds like your jerk will continue to fight. He’ll try and convince you to stay and will use every trick he can muster. He’s probably got some good ones and knows what buttons to push. Remember he’s a lying cheater and he’s not going to change not matter what he tells you. Stay mighty and focused on your goal of getting you and your baby away from this jerk.

    No matter what the OW motives were she did you a favor. Take it and run as fast as you can. And keep coming back to this blog for support and advice. Just reading the posts will give you the daily courage to keep moving forward and not take crap.

    • Packed my stuff yesterday afternoon when he was out.
      Read all of this again today around 5 am. At 7 I packed the rest, took my dog and left. He was sleeping.
      I called my sister and she will take me in for as long as I need.
      I know he will fight this on the legal side since day one since he doesn’t like to loose face. Not because of me or the baby… so I am worried and scared it might turn really ugly.
      Or maybe he will get lazy about it, that will also hurt but it would be better for all…
      I’m glad I came here soon enough and i wish I don’t regret today.

      Thank you all for your words

  • Hi I’m unsure if my husband had sex or not he said he hasn’t , I really want to believe him He has had a emotional affair, he admitted to cheating, in what way? Spending too much time with another woman, going away with another woman for a weekend and not telling me till after getting back being very attractive to her needs and not mine , Sneeking out of the house to see her , He cheated broke my trust broke my heart But he has ended it Why because she moved away If she didn’t moved away he would find someway to see her He says he’s glad she’s gone he has dreams and things that he wants to do , ( that she didn’t want to do ) so now he can do them. Do I fit into Those dreams No But that’s ok Yes we’re still married Live in same home Roomates , friends for now He has money I don’t Working on that, Its sort of like we’re seperated he does what he wants , ( has been for awhile now ) And I’m trying to learn to do what I want lAnd I’m trying to learn how to be on my own . Alone. Emotionaly he cheated was Sex involved don’t know ,(Anyone I talk to says yes on the Sex thing). all I know the Emotional affair tore us apart, well it did for me He things everything just fine ,I kind of wish he had sex with her then I could be done with him For he says I don’t have a good enough reason to want a divorce , which has me second guessing myself , it’s going to take me a little time to get my ducks in a row to divorce but hopefully soon Good luck with your new life

    • Your husband went away for a weekend with another woman? Yes, he had sex with her and yes, you should be done with him. Keep playing the image of him going away for the weekend. Imagine what they did together, create the story of how he planned it out including the part about not telling you and let that movie play out in your head over and over and over. That will give you the fuel you need to get your ducks in row and leave him. You already have a good enough reason to leave him – he’s a liar, he’s cheater

  • I know how much pain you are in right now, but PLEASE listen to CL and the members of CN. Though it doesn’t feel like it right now, you have been given an incredible gift as you start this new phase of your life journey. You have a family who is offering you safe haven and you have the financial means to get out. Please GO NOW and give you and your baby the life you deserve.

  • Leave. He won’t get better.
    Mine started with the same thing. He just got worse.
    Those infections are no doubt him. CL is right. Get checked. Pray that there is nothing incurable and get yourself safe.
    Look at his actions. That is who he is. He’s showed you that he believes in having a backup.

  • As a chump who stayed to raise a family with a serial cheater, leave as quickly as possible and do not look back. The greatest tragedy of my life thus far was raising children with a cheater because I chased down his love rather than being able to be present for my children. Without being told what their father was up to, they witnessed his disrespect, disloyalty, gaslighting, and passive aggressive near-extermination of me. That not only impacted their relationship with me and their view of me, it also impacted their own relationships as grown adults. The chump who stays with a serial cheater who is committed to cheating (and all the myriad destructive behaviors that accompany cheating) becomes the sin-eater, the scapegoat, and the butt of the joke in an existential way that hurts even more than the act(s) of adultery. Save yourself and your child that misery. Please.

  • solveJ67
    Your story reads similar to mine in terms of X being a covert narcissist. All appearances he was wonder boy and I was the wicked witch of the West who was pick-me dancing my life away for decades never a clue to what was really happening. I am still recovering and heaven only knows how my grown children are dealing with it. I don’t bring up the subject unless they do. They were around when the shit hit the fan so I think they are still spinning from all of that – a man they called their father suddenly acting like a stranger – leaving but then coming back while RIC addlepated chump who didn’t get it until I found LACGAL was in FULL CHUMPDOM. Oh what a miserable mess but I don’t feel alone and no contact has done wonders. Had I only known earlier – but that is another story.

    Still fairly new at all of this but my sentiments exactly for the original poster of today’s topic.

  • You have the finances to do it???
    I felt my heart swamping with relief for you when I read that!
    DO IT!

  • Most women don’t find out their significant other is a cheater until they have wasted their youth on them. You are young and your value is high to many men because of your youth. Women lose value as they age as men value youth in a woman. Thankfully you can find someone who will treat you with respect and that you can trust. This is truly a gift that you learned about his cheating ways so early on in the relationship. Some men have decade long affairs and then when his wife kicks him out, she is left alone since he wasted her youth on meeting all his selfish needs. Trust me, it will not get better. Yes, the OW probably did contact you because he ended it with her (for now… he will go sniffing around her again once everything settles down).

  • Oh my gosh. Please leave while you are young. I had a “feeling” into our first year of marriage of 30 years… Run away noe

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