When the Other Woman Has the Same Cancerous STD
She thought she was over her ex’s infidelity and then the Other Woman turns out to be a survivor of the same STD diagnosis — HPV cervical cancer.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
My story is the same as so many here. Highlights including being left with a 5 year old and a newborn, humiliating pick me dancing, multiple attempts to convince me I was insane, financial abuse, character assassination, discovered I had HPV, the list goes on. Divorce has been final for years, FW has never fully utilized visitation, kids are in therapy, I officially graduated therapy (yay!), both FW and Schmoopie have been blocked on everything but essential platforms for years, life has moved on.
But it’s also been tough.
During the pandemic I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer.
Near the end of my active treatment I also had to have a full hysterectomy, partially due to my body not being able to fully resolve the HPV, even with treatment. I know that HPV can be tricky and it’s possible it wasn’t a gift from FW and Schmoops, but I also know my own history and it’d be one hell of a stretch.
Which brings me to the gut punch.
I was scrolling and an article featuring *Schmoopie the cervical cancer survivor* shows up on my cancer center’s page. Schmoopie’s smiling PR face and a #woman power #self care #survivor message. Schmoopie virtue signaling how going to tough appointments is the #selfcare that caught her HPV turned cancer. Quite possibly the same HPV strain that cost me body parts. Her photo along with FW’s last name added on to hers. Another sad little point of interest as FW has never even mentioned the existence of Schmoopie to the kids.
I’m right back in a trauma response.
Physically ill, shaky, verge of tears, nightmares, you name it. It has taken everything I have to ask friends to refrain from blowing up the post. To refrain from it myself. I did reach out to the cancer center’s media office to request her face and name be removed but to leave the awareness message. I thought that was fair. But now I’m relearning how those sorts of things go. I’m being told to essentially let it get buried in the feed. To get over it. That my reaction is the problem.
As sickening as her being in the same space as me is, the apparent marriage, the STD connection, the horrifying gumline, it’s the public face of virtue that’s the hardest to stomach. Having to coexist with Schmoopie the effin hero is one hell of a shit sandwich to hold over my lifesaving care.
I don’t feel mighty.
I’m surviving. I’m thankful. I have help so many others don’t. I’m seeing my kids grow already past the point I would have. And I’m holding tight to every glimmer of wonderful I can.
So why is this #sisterhoodselfcare Schmoopie bullshit bringing it all back up? The amount of documentation I have of FW and Schmoopie behind the scenes is obscene as it is banal.
I don’t need to trust they suck, I have gigabytes of proof. And I know it’s just another steaming slice of sparkle turd pie. So why am I back to trauma square one on this one?
When my life literally depends on it, how do I get back to meh?
Sincerely,
Cancer’s a bitch and so am I.
***
Dear Cancer’s a bitch,
Yeah, the Other Woman has an STD that could kill you is never brought up in the infidelity discourse. Affairs are exuberant acts of defiance… that end in biopsies. Think Esther skipped that one.
What a coincidence that Schmoopie appears to have the same strain of cancerous HPV that you had. Could your ex have given two women cervical cancer from his wandering dick? Or could she have given it to you?
Unfortunately HPV is incredibly common and we’ll never know.
Over 90 percent of sexually active men and 80 percent of women will have it in their lifetimes. But of course, this is supposed to be one of the comforts of monogamy — not having your sexual health risked.
And the epic shit sandwich for chumps is that their health is risked and it’s all a bit of a shrug. Think of the last hundred articles you’ve read on infidelity, any that mention Esther Perel, or the naughty fun of being a mistress and tell me if ANY of them mention sexually transmitted diseases?
They don’t. Because that’s a bummer. Gets in the way of the Heart Wants What the Heart Wants narrative. You’re just a spot of collateral damage on the way to their journey of greater self actualization.
Speaking of damage…
Having Schmoopie as the brave face of the disease sucks.
I’m sorry the hospital media were callous with your grief. But I’m not sure any media outfit would know how to react to that request, other than say “Don’t look at that page.” Their marketing trumps your feelings about Schmoops. But I get that it’s a huge shit sandwich for you.
I’m at a loss for how to deal with it too. Except I might be so bold as to tell everyone at my cancer center — Hey! You’ll never believe this! My ex-husband’s mistress (NAME HERE) got cancerous clap too! Isn’t that a COINCIDENCE! You might want to screen anyone who slept with (NAME OF MY EX)! He’s quite the disease vector!
I’m imagining that Game of Thrones shame bell.
Alas, if it feels good, don’t do it. Drat.
The only thing I’d add to this “I’m sorry it sucks” lame advice is, don’t let them take your safe place. Your cancer center is still your cancer center. They’re helping you stay alive. They have to help everyone. Even cheaters. Forget them, focus on you. The hospital center can’t love you back. They don’t have to protect your feelings, but they ARE allies in kicking cancer’s butt. Schmoops can’t take that from you.
And if this is any comfort, consider that your ex isn’t good with vulnerable people. He left you with a 5-year-old and a newborn. Her cancer isn’t sparkles. It takes a lot of time from him. And no glossy promotional brochure can change that. I don’t predict a good outcome.
Stay strong — you’re the mightiest!
Ah, the malignant shit sandwich. Something that chumps understand.
It weaves through our stories, influencing our decisions and isolating us even further. Because it’s just too hard to explain to others. And there are few societal remedies.
Eastern philosophy and meditation actually address the second arrow – the pain we stew in when we cling to unfairness. And maybe there’s something to be said about karma.
This is so well put. Thank you. The validation and understanding strangely helps me put it back into perspective. I’ve been focusing on gaining a life for years, and keeping my life. And enjoying my peace. It’s amazing how we can get a taste of Tuesday yet still forget sometimes.
Thank you so much for understanding and writing. Your words remind me of where I find myself.
As the survivor of violent crime (workplace stalking and assault as a college intern) and also as a later advocate for dv survivors for several years, I recognize some of the things you’re describing as classic post-traumatic stress but with the added complexity of betrayal by someone you once trusted.
In my experience, it doesn’t matter the means or methods by which someone you once trusted nearly killed you, particularly if the outcome was predictable to anyone with half a brain (like std risk are. Any idiot can Google them). The experience is still gutting, destroys your sense of safety in the world, shakes you down to your soul. You can have the strongest sense of “self esteem” in the world but if someone shakes your “esteem” for humanity, where does that leave you? That’s the overall effect of betrayal: destruction of “esteem” for the world.
Because what your ex did carried such predictable risks to you, I don’t think it’s a stretch to sense there was malice in it, “subconscious” or not. I might guess the risks your ex took with health were probably self-loathingly suicidal on his part. After all, he may eventually develop head, neck, throat or genital cancer, the vast majority of which are caused by cancer-causing strains of HPV. But one of the peculiar things one learns working in domestic violence-related fields is how abusers’ suicidal impulses tend to extend to their primary partners. Abusive personalities simply can’t bear the idea that their former partners might go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives with future mates. They’re all like Louis XIV declaring, “After me, the flood!” They want to take their primary partners down with them and make sure no one else gets to “enjoy” their “property.” Being regarded as “property” is basically the greatest form of “love” that personality-disordered individuals can express.
Whatever is the case in your situation, I think you sense that someone who was supposed to care for you put you in deadly harm’s way. No matter the circumstances, this is a soul-destroying revelation. Also in my experience, justice is probably one of the best “cures” for PTSD so I might encourage you to sue your ex for putting you at risk. It’s sometimes possible to sue for pain, suffering and anticipated medical expenses in the case of HPV caused by infidelity.
But because HPV-related cancer can have a very delayed effect between exposure and diagnosis, I understand that filing suit can be tricky. You’d have to ask yourself if attempting to file suit and failing would worsen how you feel right now of if the attempt to seek justice– whatever the result– might make you feel better than you presently do.
Regardless of how the justice system might arbitrarily respond to what was done to you. you are the victim of a violent crime and have every right to seek appropriate resources for this trauma. I wish you the best and hope it strengthens you to know how many people recognize that what you have endured counts as severe abuse, injustice and trauma. You aren’t over-reacting. This is biblical level trauma and I hope you get the care you so greatly deserve.
Thank you for this. A lot of what you’ve said here is spot on. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been a huge help to me. A ton of hard work, but massively helpful. The coping skills help. I just have to keep remembering that, I think.
When I truly recognized the years of abuse I had endured it threw me for an even larger loop. Reconciling how my experiences were my own and valid, but how wrong I had been in what I believed my partner to be experiencing as we shared our lives together. So many things snapped into focus when I saw behind the mask. And I’ve had a lot of work figuring out why I’ve accepted so much maltreatment and how to learn and implement healthy skills.
The things I’ve accepted and made excuses for are truly horrifying. And, yes, the malice was always there. There were many other times he put my and my children’s health and wellbeing in very intentional risk. It’s chilling and terrifying to recognize it in retrospect. He’s very covert in how he operates until the discard. And wanting to believe in him and his love for me was my achilles heel that kept me from seeing his behavior for what it truly was. I’m simultaneously deeply embarassed and ashamed over what I allowed and driven to forgive, accept, and improve myself with love and care.
I don’t want to engage him or increase any interacting time with him. I’m absolutely prepared to legally respond to any new bs fw or schmoopie want to bring to the table,. But i’m choosing to prioritize my children and my time over any pursuit of justice with them. During the divorce, my lawyers and I were fully prepared to make it excruciating. I chose to hold back.
“Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown the sun
When a good man goes to war
Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and the dark will rise
When a good man goes to war
Demons run, but count the cost
The battle’s won, but the child is lost”
-Steven Moffat
I’m so sorry you’ve been through it, too. It seems like you’ve chaneled a lot into helping other survivors. That has to be immensely triggering and healing all in one. You’re amazing.
It sounds like you were boiled like a frog for years and sensed something incredibly dark under the surface that might have paralyzed your defenses, particularly since your children were your fellow hostages. This kind of systematic “operant conditioning”– either with or without violence– is so effective that even trained intelligence agents are never given whole parcels of state secrets but only bits and pieces because, if captured and subjected to certain interrogation and stress tactics, they’ll crack, spill whatever they know and “captor bond” with their captors. It’s expected and agents aren’t shamed over it, simply deprogrammed on release to break through any residual Stockholm syndrome. It’s interesting that some of the leading experts in domestic violence and coercive control compare the tactics used by professional interrogators to the tactics used by average domestic abusers and find relatively little difference. Most human beings– no matter how strong, smart, sane and trained– are “hackable.”
And those are people trained to endure interrogation. The rest of us don’t usually get training in things like this or abnormal psych in middle school though, if you think about it, we probably should. I recommend reading the chapter on domestic violence in psychotraumatology founder (and the original theorist behind captor bonding/Stockholm syndrome) Frank Ochberg’s “Post-traumatic Stress Therapy and the Victims of Violent Crime” and then anything else you can get your hands on by author Evan Stark (like his more current book Coercive Control). I think it will set off major light bulbs and be a relief to feel so understood.
Working n advocacy does “get to you” but not in the way I expected. Oddly, playing a support role isn’t really triggering in itself because, overall, you witness so much heroism, true grit and, to be honest, some of the most startling insights and best gallows humor going. What really triggers me are negative idle bystanders, victim-blamers (especially professional ones), predators posing as heroes, etc. The more I immersed myself in the issue, the more I grit my teeth around hypocrites and “good people who do nothing/stay silent.” I have to bite my tongue a lot (sometimes I don’t, oops).
Yup, wishing ruination on others after the narc passes away.
My Aunt Venn used this saying during a memorial service a couple of years ago. She attended the gathering in honor of one of my uncle’s female cousins, a uni professor. Of course since she’s isolated my invalid uncle from most of the family, she flew across the country without him. I’m sure the woman’s family thought Aunt Pazza is barking mad.
This is why I despise Cheaters. They make unilateral decisions and then expect others to deal with the consequences of those decisions ….. consequences that can last for years and which in cases like CaB’s can be quite literally life changing and potentially fatal.
“Exuberant acts if defiance” my ar*e.
LFTT
There’s a very good reason why Dante’s Inferno places betrayers and cheaters in the seventh, lowest ring of Hell, right next to Satan…
My stbex fw infidelities, all with unprotected sex occurred over several decades and ran the gamut, from a senior doctor, a Resident surgeon, an x-ray technician and sundry ancillary and support staff including a handsome Hispanic immigrant member of the floor cleaning crew at hospitals where, she, an RN, and later, PhD prepared executive worked. She admitted that it was divine Providence that she did not contract a serious Std, and I can only shake my head at how the deeply ingrained sense of entitlement, coupled with a complete disregard for how her actions impacted the lives of many people and potentially exposed me her spouse to a life threatening disease.
Not one thought for anyone else. That PHD did not add to her brain cells
I couldn’t agree more. It’s abuse on a myriad of fronts. And none of the fluffy labels, excuses, or mental gymnastics can change the facts.
“ don’t let them take your safe place”, very wise words from a very wise lady. All your safe places, don’t let them in.
That truly sucks, CAB, I’m so sorry you went through the trauma and worry of a cancer you didn’t need to get. And now you get haunted and traumatized in your own safe place by the one connected to actually giving it to you! Where the hell is the fairness in life?! That’s intense!!!
My ex also gave me HPV. When I was dx with an active case of it at age 63 and still married, I confronted FW with the finding. His response to that painful conversation was to say to me “ you look so ugly when you cry”.
Years later and divorced he mentioned in an email concerning it one time that he can’t believe I would hold that against him, as he was an immature 19 year old. I guess he’s trying to convince himself that the one brief time he had unprotected sex was some 40 years ago when he didn’t know better and he was being judged for that.
I guess the entirety of our marriage, that he flitted from one mistress to the next CONSTANTLY, 8 year affair, 6 year one, another 7 year one after that and multiple women on the side, he just always wore a condom and protected himself and me! Because obviously, he always had me front and center in his concerns.
The HPV was from the brief under developed frontal lobe time frame for which he can’t possibly be held accountable. That’s his delusion.
I was also triggered when you mentioned the pain of seeing his last name attached to hers. I experienced that one too, it resurfaces the PTSD and the betrayal in an odd kind of hit. I still have a hard time seeing his name, let alone the mistress’ name in conjunction to his. It’s difficult to not experience pain from that.
I hope you stay cancer free, CAB, healthy and well. And I hope you can make the Herculean effort of avoiding the posts of heroic ‘schmoop the poop’ and stay in your own lane.
I can guarantee you, theirs is not a healthy one to inhabit. Wherever either of them are, it will never be a healthy place.
The sole reason I changed my last name at the time of divorce. There would be more of us in the same town
No something i.could ever live with
My goodness, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. None of it is easy. So much of what you’re saying resonates with me. So much trauma and continual healing. And no resolution to the massive unfairness of it all.
I had been very successful in blocking the majority of the fw and schmoopie show from any casual interaction. It’s gotten so much easier over the years. And I’m truly just uninterested in any of the goings on in their worlds. I did my time trying to untangle the skein as well as documenting and gathering ridiculous amounts of evidence. For someone who wants to have their secrets and thrives on deception you’d be amazed how poorly fw manages his machevelian scheming.
And as much as she attempts to pass her vapid musings as deeply relatable it’s just rather sad. I know she’s living the cycle with fw. And I do have pity and even some empathy for that. That’s probably truly more for me, though. It’s a part of my own peace and moving on.
And I’m also for destigmatizing cancers and stds in favor of treatment. Cancer sucks. Treatment is as hard as it is individual. And it’s the same menu of shit choices for anyone going through it. The message is a good one. But the virtue signaling hit me with the same self congratulatory vibes as the assholes who film themselves being kind to the homeless. “And then everybody clapped for schmoop the poop”(oh thank you for that name, btw 🤣) sort of vibes going on up in there.
There really are no floors to their lows, though, are there. The maybe marraige whatever last name. The old me would have incredulously asked who does that?! But, well, now I understand it’s just another day in fw world. But for me it’s gonna be Tuesday. And I have a feeling from everyone here I’m going to have a lot of good and worthwhile company there.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond and share some of your story with me.
And as we all know now, condoms don’t prevent all Venereal Disease. I believe HPV is one of these things that can be contracted even if you DO use condoms.
Correct Mehitable. Unfortunately there is no such thing as “safe sex”. There’s safer sex, with condoms and dental dams, but any skin to skin contact can expose one to herpes, trich, hpv, what else ?
One woman I know was diagnosed with anal cancer and I thought “I wonder if she engages in anal sex ?”
A college mate died a few years ago from head and neck cancer (hpv was the cause) and he died alone in a rental unit far away from his two young adult daughters;his wife had divorced him by then. She now works as a therapist. I anonymously suggested this website to recommend in her practice.
Her life is its own punishment.
Picture being married to someone who won’t introduce you to his kids. Won’t even tell them you’re married. Imagine the mental gymnastics it would take to make that okay somehow. Imagine the shitty shitty sense of self-worth it would take to stay a secret.
I dunno if I could hold friends back from blowing up the post. I mean, Schmoopie put it out there, yeah?
If it were me, I would. Fuck that evil bitch.
That’s just HORRIBLE!
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. But yes, they truly don’t care about the ugliness they spread including the STDs and the rest.
My ex took off to another state when we split, so I only had scattered bits-and-pieces to stew about. Still not worth it though.
Our focus needs to be on our own healing and the future. I was out with friends last night who know my story, and it was so lovely to talk about literally everything BUT my ex. He truly rarely comes up now. I’ve been divorced for a few years now, and my life is truly wonderful.
There is hope on the other side.
I am sorry; what a gut punch.
I think it is fair to tell your doctors (who likely had nothing to do with the media aspect of the center) your situation and that you hope not to be scheduled at the same time as her for things.
Honestly, for all the glossy photography, she still knows in her gut what she did. She still had to smile through a secret wedding of shame (every girl’s fantasy? Lol, I think not, regardless of how she justifies it..).
You are mighty and the real deal. The newsletters will be lining hamster cages and shredded for recycling within days. She has to wake up next to a man who will abandon her anytime the wind changes.
I disagree, she does not feel anything in her gut. She feels no shame. You are ascribing your moral compass to an empty, remorseless POS. There is nothing there to work with, as CL would say.
Yup, let’s bring back that Walk of Shame. STDs are the true fruit of promiscuity – people have GOT TO CUT THIS SHIT OUT. My first cheater was a serial cheater and while I didn’t think I caught anything from him (I had the panels of that time), I did end up having lady cancer and having the full hysterectomy when I was about 60. While most h’s go smoothly, and it was a smooth operation, I do have some lingering effects I won’t discuss here but they’re more embarrassing than dangerous. Was it caused by HPV earlier? I don’t know. I don’t seem to have it now but maybe I did and it cleared on its own. Who knows.
Venereal diseases are one of the main reasons, along with pregnancy, to STOP THE PROMISCUITY. We can’t keep acting like there are no consequences to this behavior and as we all know, condoms don’t stop all VD. Let’s go back to VD, btw, instead of STIs or whatever soft language we’re now using to hide the consequences of this bad behavior. Why are there traditional morals against promiscuity and adultery? BECAUSE OF THE CONSEQUENCES. Pregnancy and VD – as well as heartbreak and broken families and communities. Think of how much we could cut back on both if we started teaching self control, self respect, and punishing people like adulterers who do put all of us at risk, especially with something like HIV. Sex needs to be handled responsibly by adults. Yeah, I’m old fashioned…..because old fashioned works.
Stigmatizing STIs is not the answer. Yes, it’s infuriating that cheaters put their unknowing spouses at risk, but they aren’t ONLY spread through cheating. And even if they were, the chumps that end up infected by their FWs would also be bearing that stigma.
It never “worked” to stop entitled FWs from cheating. It “worked” to punish women, including rape victims, because the old-fashioned view of sex is that men have no self control and it’s entirely up to women to regulate their behavior for them. It especially didn’t “work” to stop the spread of STIs because shame meant people were in denial and didn’t get tested, let alone treated.
Also funny that you are mad we no longer call them venereal diseases. Venereal comes from a Latin root meaning sexual love (like in the goddess Venus). Baffling that you think that is more shameful than calling it an infection.
” along with pregnancy”
This is what the EPs of the world ignore. Sex’s sole purpose is to produce offspring, not to give a thrill to someone. The thrill and hormone hits are to entice the mammal to have sex to produce offspring. Sex like anything else such as drugs or money should be used by responsible folks, and not a venue to hurt and destroy someone else.
Tell Hollywood, the US government, the schools and universities, the newspapers, magazine’s, teen focused movies and books, and 24/7 cable, drug companies, commercials, alcohol industry, the RIC. Therapists, ….I could go on..a tsunami of manure no one can turn back
I agree,susie. I really think we need to restructure how we view sex as a society. The purposes of sex are to produce the next generation – THAT IS ITS PRIMARY PURPOSE. and then you take CARE of that generation until they mature. It sounds so basic but we have so devolved even as mammals we can’t do the basic things robins, mice, bears and cats do instinctively. The secondary purposes should be LOVE – building affection, BONDING (which happens chemically during sex for both males and females – the more sex you have with a particular person, the more you will BOND with them or that’s how it supposed to work. Bonding enables you to develop a support system for you and the kids – a family that humans need to survive. ALL THIS SHIT HAS A PURPOSE. The physical enjoyment is to help us want to reproduce and to bond. To create affection and longevity. Sex should NOT be about POWER or the latest phrase I despise….empowerment. Anyone who is empowered by sex….is doing it wrong and in a way that will harm them and others.
We need to get back to correct views of ourselves as part of the actual animal kingdom, which we are, and the role of sex in our lives. Otherwise, we will be completely fucked up as a society….which is what we see. That’s the end result of promiscuity. Disease and fucked up relationships and families and broken societies. Individual actions have group consequences. We are communal beings.
“the more sex you have with a particular person, the more you will BOND with them or that’s how it supposed to work.”
Yes, and for me I am just speaking from my faith and understanding, this is the very reason that God put Adultery in the commandments, if the only person you have sex with is the person you have married or are committed to, then you will be boned to that person. Adultery means you are bonding to another person, and in most cases the adulterer will leave for the adultery experience(s) because the adultery is more exciting than long term sex.
I don’t know how to explain it better. But any way that is my view of my faith based on the bible.
I fully respect the right of anyone to not agree with the bible, but just speaking for me.
Adultery damages not only the betrayed and the children of that union; but it damages the adulterer and the adultery partner, whether they recognize it or not, and I believe many do; but just won’t admit it.
I completely agree. When we move away from the path, away from the template that God or Goddess or Nature or the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster or however people conceive of what I think of as the Great Animating Spirit of All Things….the more their lives screw up. Yes, as we see in the Book of Job bad things happen to good people, but they are not SELF INFLICTED and you can recover from them. You don’t recover from the things you do to yourself and others unless you get back on the path. People no longer understand this – they think they know better than thousands of years of lived human experience….and guess what….we don’t.
As God intended we turn our backs, we get the wages
Adultery in the Commandments applied only to women, not to men (who were then permitted to have multiple wives).
Not according to the new covenant there are several verses that apply in the new testament but the clearest one is:
“You shall not commit adultery;’ 28 but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a. woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Jesus words Mathew 5 27.
I won’t go further as I had stated my post was about my faith not others.
Oh. My. Dear. God. Cab, I have no words for the nightmare and what this latest revelation has visited upon you. It’s … so beyond. But you are so so mighty. You are a shining light!
Cheaters are rightly reviled because they are completely AOK with inflicting all manner of pain in every form and consequences — also in every form — on others. It’s appalling. It’s grotesque. It’s indefensible.
Cheaters are determined to be willfully oblivious to the far ranging and immensely damaging / life threatening consequences of their actions but they sure hate it when any natural consequences (divorce, financial costs, lack of access to children / chump to name just a few) happen to them. Even though those latter consequences are the natural outreach of their own actions.
Their solipsism (outward and inward) knows no bounds. Their selfishness and utter contempt for the rights of others is incomprehensible.
The cheaters would never be ok in a million years with any of these horrific things happening to them. Look how they freak out when things don’t go their way even though by then it’s a level playing field when that happens.
Like the actors they are, to add further insult to the serious injuries they inflict, the final flourish is to impersonate their true victims and claim the victim status which is why this Schmoopie is also positioning herself to be a bigger victim than CAB.
Schmoopie doth protest too much.
And whether Schmoopie had the strain of the virus first or the cheater has given it to both his wife and the Schmoopsterfire.
Life endangering shit was done to CAB. The person who swore to love protect and cherish her has knowingly risked her life by fucking around. It’s a crime against CAB.
It is indefensible that fraudulent “trauma specialists” like Esther Perel deny the very real trauma and harm of infidelity that is evident in CAB’s story.
What can possibly be said by EP to make any of this ok? How can you ignore this kind of thing and keep on banking speaking fees for a clearly bullshit narrative all the while knowingly profiteering off the pain of so many people. That’s evil right there.
BTW, always be cautious about diagnoses. I went to the doctor because I had some post menopausal bleeding so I was concerned. It wasn’t a lot but enough to notice. She told me she thought it was an infection and tried to treat it with some antibiotic, but it continued so I demanded biopsies and sure enough….so be careful that your doctor doesn’t dismiss your concerns. She’s not a bad doctor or a bad person but if I’d listen to her and waited longer, it might have cost my life – doctors are not infallible and they’re under a LOT OF PRESSURE from medical companies, etc. I would tend to err on the side of caution.
Yep, any bleeding after menopause is cause for testing. I had some spotting, and thank goodness my dr sent me directly for imaging. Turned out I had Endometrial hyperplasia. polyps and twice as much visible blood on uterus as normal for my age (74). The issue is resolved for now; no indication of cancer; but will have regular testing to be sure.
I’m cheering for you over here! I had cervical cancer that was treated 2015/16 and it is a tough run. I didn’t find out about a lifetime of cheating until early 2019 so I had my tremendous husband “support me” all through it. He also continued visiting hookers throughout it and up until the day I discovered it (and probably until today).
I just wanted to let you know that I’m in better shape today than way back then and that you can become healthier than you ever were. Please keep smiling and keep using whatever supports put a smile on your face. If I’m totally honest, cancer was much easier than getting rid of a FW so you have already done the hardest part. I really hope there becomes a part II to this letter.
I know you can sue if a person gives you HIV knowing they had it. Maybe you can sue for cancerous HPV? You have proof that 2 women have it and both sleeping with same dude. He may have seen an MD for penile warts/ cancer or throat/mouth warts/cancer. I get it if not, you are busy with 2 kids and work and cancer treatments. Its alot of effort and money. Least you can do is consult a lawyer about removing her name from the cancer place if they wont do it. We chumps tend to not sue, while cheaters sue for anything.
For all those still sleeping with their cheaters, get a mouth swab too. There is mouth candida and throat cancer. Do they use a condom for OS too?? Oh wait, that’s not real sex right?
HPV is pretty easy to get. Get your children vaccinated.
Cancer a bItch you 🪨 rock and you’re mighty!! Your letter is a reminder to all those who CHOOSE to pass through the icy arms of the RIC or any body of professionals that suggest you stay with your cheater and lay back under them again during the pick.- me- dance or rather the dance of possible life time cancer, STD,STI, gyn and pregnancy issues for those” make up “babies right before D day ( I have one). If this were before antibiotics we would be dying of syphilis, gonorrhea and God knows what else. Take a look at those Civil war year photos and you can see what we got for our loyalty. If chumps were dying by the drove and cheaters were covered with oozing pox, how much richer would Esther P be? She’d be tarred and feathered, and dragged through the streets. It is so gut wrenching that you have had to gaze at CREEPY OW and be freshly reminded of your illness, surgery and insult heaped upon injury. It’s like the firing squad filled you full of holes but you didn’t die or you’re like that famous painting of the woman with a thousand cuts still alive. But I’m putting my money on you for survival. Look, before this assault you were getting over your creepy cheaters insults and devaluing and abuse. The way I look at it post my TWO abusing cheaters is that if you recovered before, you can do it again. I’m going to suggest you blab your story all over the cancer center to anyone and everyone. It makes great copy. As a nurse formally on the cancer unit, we hear these stories continually. But there are lessons for all of us. No contact on that cancer hooray im better site please! ALSO the type of therapy that helped me with horrific triggers, is ongoing EMDR. This is an action therapy that takes that moment or many trigger moments and starts to lower the distress around the traumas one event at a time.
Also, you were saved from.a life times with your cheater. He was so bad and maybe he left you? Whatever the case may be, i know I say THANK YOU JESUS several times an hour since D day May 23 2022. My cheater was so disgusting there was no way back. He did me such a favor and gave me the gift of freedom from him forever and no contact saved my mental Health thanks to Tracy’s book Leave.a Cheater AND all of you who write here. Yes we will always have these unwanted and sudden triggers but.yoi are so MIGHTY. Dont let the line up.of creeps on social media take all your sunshine away. Never never never!!!
I was just looking at this again and this line really stands out: “So why is this #sisterhoodselfcare Schmoopie bullshit bringing it all back up? The amount of documentation I have of FW and Schmoopie behind the scenes is obscene as it is banal.”
LW – CAB – I think it’s because of the absolute injustice of the situation. The injustice of it, the sheer audacity of this worthless bitch, is stunning and wrong. It’s morally wrong. It’s wrong that you, as a decent person, get shit on by your Ex and this POS and left with a permanent condition that can actually kill people. AND NO ONE HEARS YOUR STORY – this worthless piece of garbage steals YOUR STORY and makes herself sound like she’s Gloria Steinem’s clone or some such. Where is the justice for you in how you are treated and what you were left with? Where’s the outlet for YOUR voice? Yes – here, but is it enough? Well….we understand you and we care and many of us have been through similar things but the situation is galling, it is unjust and this woman is a fucking reptile. Injustice is ALWAYS galling, it’s insult on top of injury.
If this were me, I’d write to the cancer center WITH YOUR STORY AND HER ROLE IN IT. And I’d tell them what you were subjected to. Let your voice be heard. They may ignore you but at least you’ll have done something. As for me, the world may go to blazes, but they’ll hear me screaming over the sirens. I think we should all do this occasionally.
Continued good health to you and success in whatever you do!
I came to the comments to suggest this too, Mehitable.
CAB, if you wrote a story about “the side of cheating no one talks about” and include YOUR story “My husband gave me HPV and I figured it out when his AP published a story about how she also has HPV”– SOMEONE would publish it.
You wouldn’t have to name names. In fact, it might be best that you didn’t. (possible libel) If you leave out names, I don’t think writing this would fall under “if it feels good, don’t do it”. The story would actually shed light on something that non-Chumps DON’T talk about, the other ways that infidelity hurts the victims. A lot of people shrug off infidelity as not being a big deal. They think chumps are just jealous that their FW had sex with someone else. But there is so much more to it. It’s the lackof agency that we lose because we don’t have the full story.
It’s the chump who finds out that the retirement account is gone because FW was spending it on AP.
It’s the chump that gives up their job and moves across the country and then finds out that FW was moving them closer to an AP, and is now discarding them, when they are away form their entire support system.
It’s the chump that gets cancer because their spouse got HPV from AP and passed it to them.
These are lifechanging betrayals.
I think a story about THAT would sell.
And sure, if Schmoops happened upon the article over breakfast, that might feel a bit good for CAB. But the article actually could be written from a place of righteousness more than revenge. “Here’s a side of cheating that many don’t know, and it’s MY story”
To Cancer’s a bitch and so am I,
You are truly mighty and this is an emotional, disgusting event that will be behind you once again with some time. ❤️
In the meantime, the following comment depends if the Cancer’s a bitch and so am I signed a non-disparagement clause or not.
If she did not, I would contact the head of the organization and request a meeting; zoom or in person. I believe in going right to the top.
I would tell the head of the organization just the facts that were presented in today’s post.
Organization heads or board members can be found through Google or social media.
A basic timeline of Cancer’s a bitch and so am I’s diagnosis, date of discovery, date of filing and maybe one time stamped photo of the evidence should be sufficient to present the facts without emotional details.
Facts are not the same as “if it feels good, don’t do it”. As a public organization, they have plenty of other people to spotlight and don’t need any controversy. They may or may not be responsive but I believe it is worth trying.
“Facts are not the same as “if it feels good, don’t do it”
I agree, there have been plenty of incidents where an org has gotten rid of someone who is destructive, better to do it before it gets nasty, and if this woman was an ow in another marriage, that person may not even give them a heads up.
I wasn’t registered, but did so to comment on this. YOU are mighty and strong. Fuck both of them.
Who here also received HPV as a gift from FW and a schmoopie and it turned cancerous? *raises hand* True, you can’t trace back to where it came from, and it’s possible my history led to it. However, I was married for 10 years when it SUDDENLY appeared on the radar. Knowing now what I know about his proclivities, the math points to him. I’m now post-hysterectomy, post-chemotherapy, post-immunotherapy and doing well. But I hate, hate, HATE that cancer will now be a source of worry for the rest of my life.
But hey, who am I to stand in the way of sexy, carefree good times, right?