I found your site in 2017. I was pregnant with my fourth child. My husband and I had been together for 12 years, since we were 18 years old. The beginning of our relationship was rocky and I ignored some red flags but I try to be gentle with myself as I was young, naive and believed in true love.
We became parents at age 23 and his shady behaviour seemed to come to a complete stop. He was a doting father and was good to me. So we got married and had three more kids.
During my last pregnancy, his behaviour became extremely erratic. He had no empathy for me. He became very sexually coersive. Said he needed to have sex twice a day and that we needed to have more sexual variety. Then I looked at our phone records and discovered thousands of text messages to another woman.
I kicked him out of the house but that didn’t last for long. He ended up back to help with the kids after I gave birth. He confessed to having cheated on me early in our relationship and to having a current emotional affair. I registered for school and started to take steps towards financial independence from him. I read your blog every day. BUT I DIDN’T LEAVE. Your voice in the back of my head said I should but I didn’t listen. I didn’t want my kids to be destitute. I didn’t want to see them half as much.
Two months ago, he left ME, saying that I didn’t clean the house enough and that he needed more from me. We had barely enough money to support one household and I am a full-time nursing student. This caused me to have to go on social support. I thought this was the worst it could possibly be.
I was wrong. I received an anonymous facebook message last week. Turns out that back in 2017, my husband was on a dating site posing as single and got another woman pregnant at the same time as me. My kids have a two year old sibling that’s only 2 months younger than my youngest. He has not supported or met this child. When I confronted him, he admitted it was true but tried to comfort me by saying the baby’s mother was less attractive than me and that he had only used her for sex because he was stressed at work.
I am so disgusted by him and I am writing to you in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep thinking about the long-term consequences of this for everyone involved. Thanks to your blog, I have 100% confidence that this is not my fault at all and it is keeping me strong. I can see now all the abuse that went hand in hand with his infidelity.
Someday, I hope to start a scholarship fund for chumps like me. Finances played such a huge role in my decision to stay. Maybe other chumps can share some of their strategies to overcome the financial blows that came with their partner’s infidelity.
What an utter piece of shit your husband is. Please do whatever it takes to make him your EX husband. First order of business is to visit your local county child support office and get signed up. There may be some who-gets-there-first repercussions with the baby mama. Also, if you’re on social services in the U.S., my understanding is that you go to the first in line on collecting child support. I’m sure CN can weigh in on that.
When I confronted him, he admitted it was true but tried to comfort me by saying the baby’s mother was less attractive than me and that he had only used her for sex because he was stressed at work.
That’s “comfort”? What’s kicking puppies? A balm in Gilead?
He took this discovery as an opportunity for further misogyny? It’s okay to “use” the less attractive? Nice little blameshift he’d got going there. If you feel abused, hey, just blame yourself for not being pretty enough. And bringing a new human being into the world, unsupported, is completely excusable if you had a Bad Day at work? What horrors unfold if the copier machine jams?
This isn’t a man, this is walking dick dribble. You don’t need him, and you certainly don’t need his toxic bullshit around your children. The only thing he brings to this relationship (marginally) is a paycheck, and you, my friend, can get one of those. Keep rocking nursing school. Whatever you do, do NOT quit nursing school. March yourself to the dean of that nursing school and tell her you got left with four children and you NEED to complete this degree, and what financial aid is available to someone in your situation? Tell, tell, TELL. Reach out.
This caused me to have to go on social support. I thought this was the worst it could possibly be.
Do not feel ONE BIT bad about being on social support. That’s why we pay taxes. Exactly for these sorts of situations. I only wish there were MORE help out there for single parents and children.
The important thing now is navigating yourself out of this abusive marriage and finishing your degree. Eyes on the prize. I’ve read enough of these stories and I swear to God these motherfuckers wait and leave when you’re at your most vulnerable. Yes, it could also be that they’re so narcissistic they’re oblivious, but I also believe they do it intentionally as a form of control. That way they always have auxiliary kibble supply (ooh! They’re so powerful and you’re so weak!)
Rise UP! You finish that degree! You will know financial independence, because the world needs nurses and pays them good wages. You are far too good for second-hand dick dribble. He can fuck right off.
I cannot sleep thinking about the long-term consequences of this for everyone involved.
Long-term will be FINE. It’s the short-term you have to survive. And Blanketlamp, you have survived multiple D-Days and years with an abusive fuckwit. What lies ahead is FREEDOM and INDEPENDENCE. The respect of your children. Mightiness. Peace and tranquility. He’s mindfucked you into fearing the future. INVEST in YOUR future. There is nothing to fear, except more wasted years with a fuckwit.
Someday, I hope to start a scholarship fund for chumps like me. Finances played such a huge role in my decision to stay.
You’ll be free some day soon and I have no doubt you’ll pay it forward as a compassionate nurse, a sane mom, and a kick-ass taxpayer. Just focus on getting through this now.
CN, how did you overcome the financial blows of divorcing a cheater? Got some practical strategies or pep talks?