Is it okay that I actually feel hate toward my cheater until I get to my Tuesday and meh?
20 years and a 15-year-old daughter; D-Day 1 in September 2019. I agreed to reconcile for our daughter’s sake.
D-Day 2 this March 2020 as the world goes on lockdown, the cheater tells me she never stopped seeing Schmoopie during reconciliation. So now I’ve been double chumped…I know, fool me once…whatever. I should have listened to the alarms going off in my head.
Anyway, she told our daughter last week as if it were no big deal and life would simply continue with only minor adjustments. Our daughter is so angry at her and refuses to be around her so I sent her into “quarantine” with other family while cheater comes and goes from the house, stopping in for a change of clothes each day then back to her Schmoopie.
I have a lawyer working with me, finances are good, house is mine, and cheater says she’ll be out by summer. But she hasn’t cried even for our daughter’s tears, hasn’t said she is sorry to our daughter for blowing up our family, and continues to blame me for being moody and boring.
By the way, there’s never been yelling, abuse, or anything crazy between us. She says she’s just bored with me because I’m no fun.
I thought she was my person, CL, the woman I could be my authentic self with. But now I see the last 20 years was a lie. The only good to come of it was our daughter.
Since September, I’ve read your book 2x, listened to the audio 3x, lurked and read and commented on your site. I thought I was getting better since I’d moved past the disbelief that she isn’t the person I thought she was, endured and accepted the hurt of rejection, pushed through the fear of being alone, rallied my soul from despair to protect our daughter.
But now all I feel when she pops in for a shower and change of clothes is disgust, revulsion, and hate. Yet I remain civil and polite all the same because I’m a decent person.
I have never felt this much hate toward another person, let alone someone I had devoted my life and love to for 20 years. And I’ve always considered myself to be loyal and compassionate so these feelings are so unsettling.
Please tell me this intense hate is normal, please reassure me that Tuesday will come and I will achieve meh. I don’t want to be this person, but I can’t let go of these feelings.
Hating and Struggling Not To
Think of these intense hatred feelings as a fever and she’s the virus. Your body is firing off these alarms and defensive systems because it rightly perceives a threat. When the danger is over, the fever will break.
You are mere weeks out from a second D-Day, living through one of the most difficult times in recent human history, a pandemic — of course you’re overwhelmed by unsettling emotions. You feel deeply because that’s who you are — someone who FEELS. And it’s very maddening to be a maelstrom of feelings when you’re sidled next to a narcissist who has none at all. (Unless you count self-pity, and I’m not.)
She’s betrayed you, after you made yourself — and your daughter — vulnerable to her again. That’s crushing. And then her response?
she told our daughter last week as if it were no big deal and life would simply continue with only minor adjustments.
It’s the old “I fail to understand your hostility” mindfuck. Minimization is the abuser’s playbook. She’s acting as if there is nothing to be upset about, as if your investment in her and your family were a trifle. A sofa that could just be rearranged, or left on the curb. A magazine she doesn’t feel like renewing… Of COURSE you’re infuriated — it’s infuriating! Naturally, you’re directing those feelings of fury where they originate from — her.
And HASNT, you’re probably furious at yourself too. Any chump who’s tried again after the first D-Day gets it.
I should have listened to the alarms going off in my head.
Yeah, you probably should’ve of, but don’t beat yourself up. It takes a big heart to try. You tried, so have zero regrets about the end of this marriage.
Just because you didn’t listen to the alarm bells then, doesn’t mean you can’t listen now. You’re doing all the right things to protect yourself — lawyer, finances, housing. Keep focusing your energies there on escape, and try to conserve yourself for the marathon suckfest of divorce.
As for her, when you feel hate and revulsion, remember those are alarm bells too. Those feelings are trying to protect you from investing again. From being duped. From caring for someone who doesn’t care for you.
As long as she’s waltzing in and out of your home for a change of clothes every day, you’re going to feel off-balance. Why not move all her crap out in one go? Tell her it’s no big deal and life will continue with minor adjustments.
Consider a storage locker. Move all her stuff into one and pay the first month’s rent. She can come and go from Pack ‘N Shit at her leisure.
Back to your emotional state — strong emotions are part of the processing. Who is she really? What did my marriage mean? Did I ever matter? Here’s a shortcut — trust that she sucks.
Tell your internal processor that you’ve reached a conclusion — she’s a bad egg.
You won’t need to fire up the old emotional jalopy with hatred and revulsion — just, bad egg. NEXT.
When you’ve internalized this, and separated her from your life, the intensity will fade. She’ll continue to suck, but it won’t be your problem anymore.
(((Hugs))) Hang in there.