‘I Turned the Tables’

I do agree with Tracy! You feel power because you think he does care. No, he was dumped by OW and he wants his wife appliance back for a while (until next “love of his life” comes). He is lying that he is so devastated as he was lying he loved you and cared about your feelings before…He does NOT care. As soon as you realize that and get out of the dance floor – you will be free. Only then. Fingers crosses.
Don’t you think it is better to put time and energy into new, meaningful life?

Dare
I am amazed how you can be satisfied and enjoying life
while still having this cheater in your life? Why would you bother to “turn the tables” on such a waste of a man?
After 35 years married then finding out about his Owhore for 2 years I immediately divorced him. I was in denial for few years but my health and mental state was at risk.
I suggest that you free yourself and gain your self respect by letting go of this man-child. You have nothing to work with here. Life is better on the other side. Continue reading here on CN and find the strength to move forward like so many of us. Good luck ????????

My first reaction to this letter was “way to go, good for you” I have to admit. Rub that bastard’s face in it. Reading Tracy’s response gave me second thoughts, but only in respect that he would be able to make medical decisions for you AND might be able to drop you into big financial troubles potentially. My ex was an inveterate, spendthrift drunk with many DUIs and I was terrified that his next DUI would involve someone getting maimed or killed and I would be partly financially responsible for his crap, so I’m so glad those ties are cut. But I get where you’re coming from and if it gives you a buzz go for it – but not for too long.

My first thought is that the family’s finances may be in jeopardy. While you are sitting pretty who is minding the money? In the lull (waiting period to file) and then during the 2+ years it took our county to grant me a divorce, x wasted and hid many assets. Second biggest asset was that newly built dream home on 20 acres, the one we lived in (me, three kids, and a menagerie of critters) and he walked out on a mortgage he could pay five times over. Second thought, You owe it to your kids to show them how worthy you are. Nothing is better than an authentic life. You show them you are worth more than a man who cheats in a marriage.

I am a veteran of both the marriage police and the marriage wars. Being a veteran, I have experienced the battle wounds, and endured the peace talks. When my divorces were final, I walked away a different person, hurt by some of the brutalities of life, but stronger from my experience, and I learned many things I never even thought of when I first married, and was full of hope and naive as hell.

You don’t have to stay married to see karma. You are better off in the long run to accept your losses, gather your assets from the war, and move forward. If you have children, you have to maintain diplomatic relations with your former spouse. Here is the thing to remember, cheaters have a character disorder, and there is no cure. They may express faux remorse, but they live in the moment and look at everyone as an asset for them to use and abuse. At times, they may appear to be successful, but they will find a way to ruin that success. My first ex made a lot more money than I ever did, but he never figured out how to manage it. We were married for 20 years, and started off with almost nothing. When we divorced, he left with good credit and some good assets. He lost both over the years. He lives a sad life now, he is ill and unable to do many things he would like to do. He got there by his own choices. I am so grateful that I am not responsible for any of his financial situation, and that our children are grown men, and independent. My second ex had many wives and lovers, but he died alone and nearly penniless. He chose his lifestyle. He had several opportunities for happiness, but he could not change his ways. I had nothing to do with him after our divorce, but he would periodically call me and express faux remorse and want to “try again.” I declined his generous offers.

I live alone now, and enjoy my freedom and the peace in my life. I have a few regrets, of course, but over the years I have figured out many things, and come to terms with my FOO issues. I look at my marriages as some good times, and some very bad times, but at least I was able to survive and live life on my terms. I am not responsible for the way other people choose to live their lives. Meh, for me, is being content with who I am, and what I have. I do not spend time worrying about who other people are or what they have. That is not my business. You choose the life you live through many decisions you make every day. You are true to your values, or you are empty. There is no real joy in watching others suffer. There will always be people who make poor choices in life, you cannot change that.

Find joy in the life you choose to live .

This letter gave me an explanation of why revenge behavior didn’t work for me.
“Oh, you want a girlfriend and and side sex?” “Okay, so do I.”
“Oh, you want to stay out all night with no explanation?” “Okay, so do I.”
“Oh, you’re spending significant money on something you refuse to talk about?”
I tried it. This didn’t work for me — it wasn’t my authentic self.

Also the medical one was very sobering. I was laid up and he deliberately ate the foods I froze ahead of time for me (Type 2 diabetic here, so food is important). I had to hire my own medical aide to shop and microwave food for me. “Forgot” that leaving a rug around with someone on crutches is dangerous. Refused to call 9-1-1 when I fell down the stairs. I had to drag myself up 21 steps to get my cell phone. He was using the house phone and refused to get off the line.

I was gone when the crutches went. And if it weren’t for a decent lawyer, 50% of my life time of assets would have been gone. Turns out that I was the only one with marital assets. We married when he was retired, so none of his assets were marital. I was still working, so pension, 401K, etc were splitable.

Wouldn’t we all love to have had a year to get ourselves in a better position if we had known?
True to a cheaters disordered actions they make unilateral decisions moving us out of our comfort zones, taking on debt, hiding money and moving assets. It’s all about power and control.

This just sounds to me like a toxic,poisonous ,energy draining and potentially dangerous interaction with a huge serving of self delusion thrown in.
He must be getting a huge high from knowing he still has Dare around in some capacity despite what he has done to her. No amount of money or stuff he is bank rolling is worth your dignity and self respect. Selling your soul to the devil never ends well. Excise from new life and move on is my advice.

Dare to Ask:

I have no right to tell you that the path you’ve chosen is awesome, or is a total waste of time. This is YOUR life, YOUR choice.

What I can say is this: I simply don’t understand why you would voluntarily spend whatever time you have left on this earth staying tethered to a man who disrespected, devalued and dumped you for another woman. You’ve already said it’s not for the companionship or the money, so it must be for the sense of power you have in giving him a dose of his own medicine. But I assure you, that “power” you think you have is made of nothing but papier-mâché; it looks all pretty on the outside, but it’s totally void on the inside.

This reminds me of the 2000 Presidential election in the USA… the state of Florida totally bungled their election process, so many of the electronic ballots were covered in “hanging chads“. You know, those little tiny cardboard protrusions that mess up the machinery of voting machines. As a result, that election was completely tainted, and it remains the most hotly contested election in history. Anyway, when I read your story, it felt to me like the current state of your marriage is nothing but a hanging chad… unfinished business… a relationship so unproductive that it has tainted your present and potentially, your future. Please rethink your strategy.

In defense of Dare, there’s something to be said for regaining our sense of power and agency. We were made into fools by our cheaters and this is showing that we’re not helpless victims. We can bite back. As long as we don’t stay there for too long… a few bites and growls to demonstrate demonstrate to him and everyone else we’re not to be messed with. And onto our better life. Worth it if it gets us to meh faster and discourages the next fuckwit narcissist.

Dare to ask , I can relate to where you are and what you are doing. Every relationship dynamic is unique. I guess it depends on your motives and what you stand to win or lose.

I split with my ex 10 years ago. It took 3 years to pin him down to mediation and settle/divide our assets.
In that time he paid all my bills and I lived with our 2 children in a another cottage we owned . It was a win win for me, I had time to heal, my bills were paid and the money I made from the 3 jobs I had I quietly invested out of sight.

His head in the sand attitude cost him a lot of $$$. I think he thought I’d be the doormat I’d always been and accept whatever he suggested he thought I deserved……DID NOT happen! in those 3 years I found me again, a fabulous lawyer and grew a backbone. My settlement ended up being very generous Indeed. We also signed all the appropriate paperwork so we are no longer financially linked.

Part of my settlement was to start the Divorce paper work which I dutifully did and passed to him to complete. 10 years down the track we are still not divorced. It doesn’t bother me at present as I doubt I will ever remarry. If I ever need to it’s a simple thing to fix And I wouldn’t need his input to do it.
But if I was the girlfriend/AP it would irritate the bejezzers out of me so Iv not done anything about it.

Dare to ask, be careful, line up your ducks and guard your heart.