Ex-Husband Wants to Return Stuff 10 Years Later
Her ex-husband wants to return stuff — mostly his old, moldy letters — and insists on seeing her 10 years after the divorce. She can say no, right?
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Dear Chump Lady,
Your site has really helped me come to terms with the mindless, carelessness of the cheater and helped me trust they suck. I found you because we share a mutual fascination with the train wreck that is David Brooks.
I truly thought it was finally Tuesday when it came to my feelings about my ex.
First boyfriend, five years dating, 23 years of marriage, two kids. He didn’t seem to like me much (about 95% of the time), so I asked for a divorce and suddenly I’m gobsmacked with D-Day à la Elliot Spitzer. I’m now solidly over ten years out from the divorce decree with an ensuing custody battle thrown in by him for grins and finally landed on my feet in really great shape.
So, until today, I thought I was living my best chump life and enjoying cheering on other chumps on as they grapple with the creature that is the F***wit.
Perhaps the Chump Gods thought I was too smug and needed a refresher because evidently my ex is moving to Asia (!?!?!) and wants to personally drop off a box of letters.
He’s been asking around for my address.
The loyal friends I have left, and who actually know where I live, have conveniently developed amnesia when it comes to my exact location. They have offered to deliver the box to me for him (and perhaps torch it while en route to my undisclosed location), but he has made it clear he wants to deliver it himself.
I suddenly find myself wondering, why now? What is the mature thing to do? Am I being the b**** he has painted me out to be to others?
It’s actually embarrassingly confusing after so many years of recovering from the horrors of the reality of who he really was and thinking it was Tuesday. Suddenly, I’m doubting myself, who I am, what I’ve accomplished. And, honestly, feeling a little preyed upon. My gut say, run the other way.
I truly don’t want anything to do with him, but somehow feel guilty.
I would love feedback. Is this something other chumps have seen with their aged F***wit? I need moral support!
Thank you,
Day Chump Believer
Ps. I don’t know or care who these letters are from as I’ve ditched most nostalgia from my life and live in the present.
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Dear Day Chump Believer,
If you’ve lived without him and that stuff for 10 years, you can keep living without it.
He’s just hoovering. It’s what FWs do. Perhaps narcissistic supply has run low and he needs a kibble hit. Perhaps Mercury is in the seventh moon of Jupiter. Who knows his motivations? He’s just a pathetic man in need of centrality. So he’ll rummage around his desk, or moldy basement, and come up with some excuse to contact you.
PAPERS! I have PAPERS!
Dude, contact your local senior center. They have those shredding events. Don’t call your ex-wife.
But FWs gotta be FWs.
evidently my ex is moving to Asia (!?!?!) and wants to personally drop off a box of letters.
Uh-huh. And I personally want to drop an anvil on his wandering dick. But we don’t get to do all the things we want to do.
Just because he has a desire doesn’t mean you have to fulfill it. Boundaries don’t make you churlish and uncivil, they make you sane.
This is not a safe man.
He had a double life with paid (cough) girlfriends for how long? He risked your health by schtupping strange for how long? And then, not content with that heap of abuse, he sued you for custody when you filed for a divorce? And you survived ALL THAT and would give up your sanity for what? A pile of moldering paper?
So HIS feelings aren’t hurt?
F*ck his feelings.
You know why a guy like that is moving to Asia, of course.
To study Buddhist temples, Tracy? Join a monastery? Dig wells for impoverished villages?
How to put this delicately and not set off the censor bots… seggs tourism. Unfettered misogyny. Google “passport Bros.” (Dear God, this phenomenon has a name. I just thought it was my mail for the last 14 years.)
But before he waddles off to greener pussy pastures, he needs to torment you one last time. (Or really forever. Geography cannot end his torment.) Just break no contact! Tell him your address!
Stay no contact.
The loyal friends I have left, and who actually know where I live, have conveniently developed amnesia when it comes to my exact location.
Good.
They have offered to deliver the box to me for him (and perhaps torch it while en route to my undisclosed location), but he has made it clear he wants to deliver it himself.
They too can learn to hang up phones and delete text messages. There is no conversation to be had here.
I suddenly find myself wondering, why now?
Why not now? It doesn’t matter. He’s not safe.
What is the mature thing to do?
Value yourself above a man hellbent on hurting you.
Am I being the b**** he has painted me out to be to others?
Who cares? What’s he going to do? Bend the ear of some 14-year-old bar maid in Thailand?
Let’s weigh the crimes of a double life, health risk, and custody lawsuit against the transgression of Will Not Accept My Box of Letters.
Why are you even asking me this?!
Suddenly, I’m doubting myself, who I am, what I’ve accomplished. And, honestly, feeling a little preyed upon. My gut say, run the other way.
You had a little wobble. Now return to no contact and your much happier FW-free life. He and his box of crap are moving to another continent. You’re winning this.
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Yeah, no. The fact that he won’t just let mutual friends return the box shows that it’s not about getting the box back to you, it’s about getting his way.
He and his box can f*** off.
Day Chump Believer,
You have lived without this stuff for 10 years; ergo, you don’t need it. The answer is a polite “no thank you” through an intermediary, with no explanation necessary … even if your FW wants one so that he can have the additional pleasure of arguing with you about it.
I strongly suspect that your FW wants some centrality and a bit of control, as there’s nothing a Cheater likes half as much as giving their Chump a push to make them wobble and to remind themselves that they still have some power over you.
F*ck him and f*ck his noise..
LFTT
I wouldn’t even bother with the “No thank you.” Just ignore. I might be a bit worried though that her friends? still apparently have some contact with him.
Chumpnomore6,
I prefer to let silence convey the desired message (I communicate with Ex-Mrs LFTT as little as is physically possible), but when it comes to boundaries, I find that there is less scope for her to deliberately misinterpret things (as is her way) if I’ve made the boundary abundantly clear.
The last time I had to do this, I used my MIL (who I am on excellent terms with) as an intermediary to shut down some of Ex-Mrs LFTT’s more egregious BS.
LFTT
Do whatever you have to do to forget the whole thing. Every second that this is in your brain is deliberate abuse. Dont give one more second of your precious serenity to that loser.
DDay, after decades of marriage, was just before COVID, and tween and I were both high risk and could not go out. FW emailed and “graciously offered to get groceries for us. When I told him that his friend could drop them at the front door, he mentioned that friend would come in to get a different piece of sports equipment than the one he had. When I refused, and kept the boundary that friend could leave them at the door, his “charm” switched immediately to rage. He said he could not risk his friend’s health by asking friend to make a no-contact delivery. Seems the whole thing was an excuse to get into the house himself.
It’s quite possible that ex is NOT moving to Asia, and that’s just another lie to make you and friends think it’s “safe” to let him know where you live, or to misdirect anyone looking for him.
He either wants to see you, or know where you live, and I suspect his goal is to harm you, either now or later, directly or indirectly. Please thank your friends for continuing to hide your location and urge them not to give away ANY info about you. If he already tried to sue your for custody, this might be his way to get to your child. And if he really is moving, the last thing you want is for him to abduct and take your child to parts unknown. The paper he has could be the birth certificate naming him as the father, and he could probably get a new one by showing ID and requesting one.
Stay strong!
A pathetic hoovering attempt, that’s all. Just ignore. I do wonder though, and think it a bit worrying, that people who purport to be friends of yours are still available for him to contact, and they in turn contact you- why?!. Maybe I’m being overly cynical, but that’s a red flag for me. In any case, there’s absolutely no need to respond to this rubbish in any way whatsoever, why would you even contemplate doing so?!
Additionally, if he manages to convince someone to drop off a box at your house, you’re not obligated to read them. You can shred them immediately. Or you can stick them in the attic and shred them in five years when you’re moving or cleaning out the attic.
You can make it harder for him to deliver them but ultimately you can’t really prevent him from dropping a box on your doorstep. (In this day and age it’s pretty difficult to completely conceal your address). But he can’t make you read them: that is the real locus of control that you have.
My concern would be, if some important legal or personal documents are in the pile. but it seems like FW real goal is to see you in person.
Perhaps to gloat, or play the pity party scene, or even to physically harm you. FW narcopath had similar predilections as your ex.
What exactly are these papers? Can you get a photo or scans?
Was it here at CL I read about how these FW only care about their di*CKS and in old age while dying the Thai ho*ker would step over him to grab his wallet? Yeah I’m at a point where that’s my stance, where’s the money, useless FW?
Klootzak uses my child to do this. He drops DS11 off and in walks our child with some odd thing that klootzak wants me to take. I have trashed most of it. He took all my recipes and digital photos but he most recently needed me to take a beautiful antique pen and ink drawing I had purchased for him as a gift (and had matted and framed) back. DS11 came in the door with it in a bag. I don’t approve of this using our child to transport things and hope it will soon end. The crazy thing is, I really do think this wall hanging is gorgeous. When I look at it, I remember finding it in New Orleans. I was on a business trip. Klootzak wasn’t with me. It reminds me of that lovely place. Klootzak always loved antique pen and ink drawings but when I see it, I remember the day I was there and eating beignets. I don’t think of him. So I am considering hanging it up, which I realize may seem weird. It’s not the first time klootzak threw away something of value.
What I struggle with is whether there is a way to shut this down for our child. He is not a carrier pigeon. I think it’s beyond my control. DS11 doesn’t seem bothered but still, it’s not right.
3 years after my divorce was finalized, my FW tried to get me to break no contact. He sent me a copy of my latest credit card statement. Apparently, he could still access this formerly joint credit card information online. He claimed he had been trying to fix the problem for the past 3 years. Wanted me to help him figure out how to cancel his access to it.
Understandably, I went ballistic with the bank. While I have nothing to hide, my FW had no right to have access to my credit card transactions. I immediately contacted the bank and I sorted the problem out within days. At no point was direct communication with my FW necessary.
My point is that you do not need to break no contact. If you want the crap, then ask a friend to accept it on your behalf. You can collect it later and then decide what to do with it. If you don’t want the crap, then do nothing. As others have said, you have lived 10 years without even knowing this stuff existed. Pretty safe to assume it has no value to you now – if it ever did.
“Just because he has a desire doesn’t mean you have to fulfill it.” Amen to that!!!
But I do get how the OP’s nervous system gets activated by this contact. Even if your cognitive self knows not to engage and trusts that he sucks, your nervous system gets stirred up and old patterns of people pleasing and avoiding his negative reactions are triggered.
Don’t respond at all. Deprive him of supply. If it were important and if he respected you and your boundaries, he’d mail it to a friend’s address. He’s an entitled jerk who’s used to getting his way.
Isn’t this the point at which you contact your original divorce attorney, express your fear of harassment, and send him a nice registered letter? Or if you can’t afford that and he DOES show up, just don’t answer the door. Or you could drop by Goodwill, pick up a lot of ratty underwear, box it all up, and have it by the door ready to hand to HIM.