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Mistress Is ‘Archaic’ and ‘Sexist’?

The venerable AP style book, used by journalists for matters of grammar and style, has taken us all to task for using the word “mistress.”

“We now say not to use the archaic and sexist term ‘mistress’ for a woman in a long-term sexual relationship with, and financially supported by, a man who is married to someone else. Instead, use an alternative like companion or lover on first reference. Provide details later.”

To which I tweeted: “Does fuck puppet have a hyphen?”

(Sigh)

This reminds me of an episode of Playgroup Mommies from Hell in my early parenting life. It was the kind of consortium you fall into as a young parent when you only have uteruses in common. Anyway, there was one mother whose son Christopher was a holy terror. The sort of child who grinds blueberry muffins into your carpeting. Who conspires with other children, “Everybody, don’t talk to Emily! Emily stinks!” The sort of child who puts younger children in headlocks and smashes their faces into things. And no matter what Christopher did, his mother would never correct him. She would just blather on about the evils of vaccinations, while the rest of us did damage control.

One day, when I was hosting playgroup, Christopher shouted to another child, “I’ve got a GUN and I’m going to SHOOT you!”

And Christopher’s mother did something entirely out of character. She pulled Christopher aside. And in a hushed, gentle tone, she reminded him: “Christopher, we NEVER say ‘gun.’ Gun is a bad word.”

***

APStyle, ya got your priorities fucked up.

Mistress isn’t a bad word, it’s a useful word. It describes a condition that is sexist and archaic. Pick me dancing for men. Mate poaching. Being a dirty secret. Aspiring to be the sort of woman known as a “Do Nothing Bitch.” THAT is sexist and archaic. People who make such choices require language that reflects those choices.

The problem isn’t the word, the problem is the behavior.

Also, let’s not muddy perfectly nice words like “companion” and “lover” with infidelity.

Lovers and companions don’t conspire in the abuse of others.

Besides, “lover” gives people fits of giggles every since Rachel Dratch and Will Ferrell did a send-up on lov-ahs.

If we’re looking for a gender-neutral word to describe people who fuck around with married people, may I suggest:

Affair partner

Schmoopie

Fuckpuppet

Assclown

Hypentuse

(Provide details later. It is an isosceles or an equilateral triangle?)

CN, please make your mistress replacement suggestions in the comments.

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    • Mine used floozie when I got confirmation of the affair from her.
      Makes me gag just to remember that.
      I called her a whore which is the only word I find fitting.

        • Victim is sometimes the most appropriate: The Python pursued a friend of his ex-wife (you can’t make this shit up) and since she lived an hour away, it was easier for him to convince her he was divorced. It took a few weeks but she finally caught him in a lie, did some digging on the internet and found he was married, and she came to the house while he was on a business trip to tell me he was cheating.

          She brought a box of chocolates to me. Is that surreal or what?

          So she actually had no idea he was married; both of us were his victims.

          • I’ve got to say, as horrible as that must have been for you, I admire her standup behaviour. He is a purebred asshole.

          • “Receptacle”
            Yaaaassss! I was looking for an abbreviated version of my terminology, and I think you have it.

            I was rolling with “homewrecking cum dumpster,” because I like alliteration, but it was a bit awkward around the kids and all.

        • “How about “victim”…as in “victim of her own stupid horrible choices”.”

          For the WIN

      • But “she didn’t know…..although she was 24/7 on Facebook and he had pictures of his wife and kids and a MARRIED relationship status and he also told her to “be discreet” and not let anyone else know about their relationship. Totally something a single guy would do.

        • Strange thing…if you were to peruse my ex’s FB account, no security settings. The first puck in his fees was our family photos taken on a trip to Europe in 2016. My photos are everywhere, including an album with my name. My ex left 28 months ago, after fostering his relationship with the OW for over 21 months. He changed his profile pick when he left but left everything. I know he doesn’t use the account, although he’s accepted friends since leaving. I don’t think she has FB. But still, what woman would be with a man for four years and not question why he hasn’t cleaned up his social media to wipe out the wife? He is no where to be found on my social media. Wierd.

          • Mine is the opposite, erased me but after I found out about the OW and that he hides her I made all our pics public to torture her. LOL

          • Yes. Schmoopie #18 moved herself into the marital house before the divorce which is this week. I’m working out of state. She’s already remodeling the place. She’s the new wife appliance to be, I surmise. The nurse with a purse that I hoped for so that’s sad sausage doesn’t leech off the adult children.
            Yes my large wedding picture is up on the wall.
            I was stunned, at first. However DD1 straightened me out on Mothers Day and said, “Mom, we all adore you. What he’s doing is bullshit but who’s surprised? We got your back. Just another fucking annoyance.”

            These kids. Swoon.

            PS (I love ” Slaggy Anne ” from another famous chump.)

        • Yep. Exactly! All the affair partners knew because I told them myself. And they ALL took turns lying to my face and they ALL did not care except in as much as they got off on hurting me.

          In your case, she knew. She definitely knew.

  • This is easy. A whore by any name is still a whore. I just call them whores. In my world it is gender neutral and applicable for both fucker and fuckee. Those whores are just whores.

    I don’t think it matters how you refer to the people who lie to and betray you. It does matter that you take those whores out of your contacts and block them on all social media. Bump those whores out of your life.

    • I save my creative name calling for the married jackass who chose to have these women. I still feel sorry for these women. Never blamed them for the choices HE made. My contract was with him not the other women.

      • That is indeed 100% true.
        But I still think there is a special place in grammar reserved for this whores who pretend to be a family friend and who know your children…not to mention business partner.

        • My X’s both lowlifes knew me and knew we had a family. They are all lowlifes, I’m so happy I’m no longer a part of that life style, which was not my choice.

        • I agree. While my REAL issue was with the one who made a promise to me, I also have an issue with people who knowingly fuck other people’s spouses. Whores, at least, receive some sort of compensation. Not certain what Schmoopie got, though I hope it is the same STD he gave ME.

      • There is a social contract as well as a personal one. As a society we recognize that the preservation of long term relationships to raise children and support each other is a societal good. The women who sleep with married men are prioritizing their own gain over the good for society in exactly the same way a thief is. So I do blame them. They are equally guilty as the spouse in destroying a marriage.

        • Agree. This behavior is a cancer on society and should be called out as such. That’s why it’s such a dismay that Esther Perel is such a thing for the RIC. Cheaters are getting professional validation for one of the most destructive acts of betrayal someone can do to another. This is a larger societal worry if we excuse inhumane treatment and indecency, which adultery most definitely is.

            • Same. She helped him justify the affair he denied having. Talking to a cheater post D day really is like sticking your head in a blender.

      • Agreed that the cheater is the main culprit. But in all of the cases with my cheater ex, the affair partners all knew about me, took it as a challenge to “best” me, and got off, literally, on hurting me.

        • Yeah. Ho-ho knew my cheater was married and I was pregnant. We’d met. She was also married and cheating on her husband. They are both equally guilty.

          • If only we could do away with “no fault states” we could put a legal name to the woman or man who interfered with our marriage. I swear, to this day, if my ex’s affair partner did not encourage him to leave, he would still be with me. She offered him something new and it was more interesting than “same”. I will forever blame that woman. I wish I could bring her down. I will forever feel she should have been brought in as an accomplice to our divorce. I’m tired of theories of family-of-origin issues, mother-figure issues, abandonment issues and whatever the eff other issues you want to make up for a mate’s reason for cheating. Every one has issues! It’s the people who just don’t care about anyone but themselves that take advantage of a situation.

            • I do agree that using the words ‘whore’ or ‘slut’ for female (or male) affair partners may temporarily make us feel superior like we’ve judged and demeaned them – but those terms are suggesting that a woman (or man) who likes sex has something wrong with them. Sex should be enjoyable for everyone. Our ‘real’ problem is the woman (or man) who has boundary issues with married men or women and tempt them. Men like sex. Women like sex. Let’s not shame either with derogatory comments. If someone uses sex to hurt, lure or deceive someone, we need to develop a new term. Perhaps it’s just ‘manipulator’. But, it seems to be becoming more prevalent so perhaps we need to update our terminology.

          • I like Ho-ho! Ho-ho is an absolutely perfect name. Lol… I typically use “Mistress” because the word identifies exactly who and what she is without being necessarily vulgar. I find it similar to using the exact terms for bodily parts/functions ( Vagina, Penis and Excrement). I do add on her geographic location to the name so her full-name is: “Toronto Mistress” so everyone knows she is one of many. Ex’s name is “Sad Sausage” and “Toronto Mistresses” nickname is now Ho-ho! Thanks, Chump Nation!

    • Calling them whores is an insult to hard working whores all over the world. Call the affair partner what she is: a spraddle-legged, round heeled, husband fucking adulterous slut. Pretty straight forward description.

      • I feel like whore and slut aren’t appropriate terms for affair partners. I am a sex positive feminist and know there are many who self-identify as sluts. Whore I think is a slur for a sex worker, which is a perfectly noble profession, and doesn’t need to be addressed with a slur. I also don’t think the implication of either term – wanting to have copious sex with many partners – is a bad thing.

        What’s bad is the way affair partners knowingly destroy lives and are predatory. Let’s call them what they are: selfish predators. Narcissistic sexual predators.

        • I agree. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a whore (sex worker) or a slut (sexually active and promiscuous) if you are honest about it and you are not married. Having affairs is a fundamental act of selfishness, evil and betrayal and should have a far more negative term associated with it than whore or slut. ‘Homewrecker’ has a nice sense of foreboding about it, but I wish there were an even more derogatory term that would fit.

          • yes…whores are clear and honest about it. If 2 adults choose to do that without violating their relationships, I dont have a big problem with it….its the betrayal of the relationship that bothers me.

            If a woman chooses to be promiscuous and is truthful about it, I again have no trouble

            Spouse poachers are far worse than whores or sluts.

            • But they do poach spouses. Strippers looking to get a “sponsor” go for men with wedding rings on. Because they know there is plenty of money and in some cases blackmail potential.

              I don’t give them a pass. They want married guys because they know they have plenty of extra money.

    • Same here. I also call “it” (I don’t dignify “it” with a gender so I always use “it”) slut, skanky. I also am able, fortunately, to put the word “whore” in its name as in “A-whore-a”.

        • “It’ is a great idea – depersonalizing is just what cheating is all about, it’s how narcs see people, too. Objects to be used for personal gratification before discard.

          I chose Skank, too. It fit very well.

  • One might suggest that they don’t like the word “mistress” because of its negative connotations and because it is in some way “judgey.” Well tough sh*t; if you don’t like getting judged the don’t do stuff that will get you (rightly) judged.

    On the grounds of equality though, we should have a word that could convey a similar level of contempt towards a male AP. I can think of a few, but they are mostly Anglo-Saxon in origin and not for use in polite company.

    • When I talk about my x-wife’s new true love, I just tell he was in couple with his wife, who had cancer. There’s really no need to add anything, people get that he’s pure fairy tale material.

      Assholes (oups)

  • I don’t get why finances are brought into this definition. Does that mean mistress is ok if she’s doing it for free?

    • I think “affair partner” is totally accurate and appropriate, and that AP would be well advised to adopt it.

      “Affair partner” is IMO preferable to “mistress” (in journalism) for two reasons.

      First, it is neutral regarding gender and sexual preference.

      Secondly, “mistress” has more than one meaning: the word has traditionally been applied to the female partner in a committed but non-marital male-female relationship, or to the female partner in an adulterous male-female affair, as if the two were equivalent.

      I agree that use of “lover” or “companion” to describe an adulterous relationship simply muddies the water. And chumps are free of course use whatever term in other contexts!

      But I think in journalism specifically, “affair partner” really would be the best choice.

      • Many of us can’t stand affair partner. We’ve had this conversation before on this site.
        Affair has many different meanings depending on the context and it doesn’t carry a punch.
        CHEATER partner should be used in place of affair partner.
        I also use garbage can or stupid selfish slut – or Mrs. Integrity. I also like ‘the woman who likes to fuck other peoples’ husbands if she needs to be referenced to my EX. He hates that one the most .

        Please stop using affair partner. It almost sounds lovely.

        • How about Adultery Partner? Still AP, but less lovely and more accurate of a descriptor.

          I really prefer whore though.

        • I agree…affair partner sounds forgiving and kind, “oh the affair partners just fell head over heels in love, isn’t that that sweetest thing?” And it suggests they have a union – like business parters – a contract. It doesn’t hint at the level of sneaking around, betrayal and backstabbing that actually happened when the interloper talked and flirted their way in between your marriage. I think ‘betrayal co-conspirator’ says it all.

      • Mistress also had the meaning as head of the household. Of course that term is now very dated. I believe the article was meant to give mistresses (the skanky whore definition) credibility and is preaching not to demean the skanks. Just another avenue by a bunch of fake PC asswipes to morale posture. So ok. I’ll refrain from “mistress” but my other definition options are far more insulting.

      • Just keep it simple-liar and/or cheater. True, descriptive and non-gender specific.
        Mistress is just too “nice”. Whore doesn’t work because most of these people are giving it away for free.

  • I have used the AP Stylebook for 20 years, and it’s an infuriating reference resource to begin with. They should stick to things like whether we are spelling out state names or hyphenating “e-mail” or “ teenagers.” This changes gets the biggest of eyerolls.

  • I prefer whore.
    Perfect definition for someone who sleeps with married men in cheap hotel rooms.

  • (Music by Queen, lyrics by the AP Styleguide)

    I’ve held his hand
    Fondled his hog
    I’ve seen his bedroom
    When his wife’s on a jog
    But I’ve endured
    Under duress
    I can be called lots of defamations
    But not “mistress’

    We are ‘companions’ my friends
    Cuz that’s what the A-P recommends
    We are ‘companions’
    We are ‘companions’
    Don’t call us fuckwits
    ‘Cause we are ‘companions’ . . . to the world!!

  • This made me laugh this morning. Chumplady, you are hysterical.

    I personally think “mistress” sounds refined and upscale. Whore is blunt. It immediately makes me think of someone disgustingly dirty with no morals and horrible life choices.

    I refer to my STBXH’s whore as a “ho” cause it takes less effort than whore.. 😉

  • My disgusting ex called his OW ‘Honey Bee’ (oh she was the honey trap you see) so we all nicknamed her The Poison Wasp. I’ve thought lately that regardless of the name he gave you it’s just a great name anyway as they are all like poison wasps buzzing around ready to cause pain. That’s what she is like in my head and I suspect many of yours. Her busy little ways with a sting in their tail.

  • I don’t like “mistress” mostly because it’s diminutive. It makes an AP who is a woman sound like a helpless little waif, an oppressed servant.

    That’s a perspective, not an opinion I believe makes sense in a style guide. Your response tweet is brilliant, CL.

    I like the chump nation terms we all use regularly, but a style guide should suggest things that will be widely understandable, and I don’t think most of our terms meet that goal.

    “Affair Partner” is clear and direct, so I think it works well in many settings.

    “Co-deceiver”, “Co-conspirator”, and “Co-cheater” are even more direct and widely understandable in my mind.

    I prefer to use a term that (a) puts the person who made and broke the promise in the first seat of responsibility, (b) still refers to the sex object as a person with agency who bears responsibility for intentional deception, (c) maintains the sense that while a person with agency, the person is still an object in the cheating scenario, and (d) gender isn’t relevant or important to specify.

    • Agreed. Why the delicacy around calling a spade a digger of other people’s life partners?

      It would make sense to use the agreed language around crimes and misdemeanours, most of which are as archaic as cheating, but nobody gets antsy around the terms. A case of true equivalencies.

      Eg
      Spouse thief
      Family arsonist
      Trust embezzler
      Infidelity associate (‘associate’ in mafia sense of the word)
      Plain old con artist works here too, maybe
      Intimate relationship con artist

      So the style guide would advise that:
      “Camilla was the long-term mistress of Prince Charles”
      Is revised to
      “Spouse thief Camilla was Prince Charles’s infidelity associate.”

      Taking up the Amiisfree’s idea of the players both having responsibility:
      “Camilla and Charles were infidelity co-conspirators.”

    • Amiisfree and MamaMeh I think you’re both brilliant! All of your suggestions are truly good. We need to start putting them out into the world. I think I’ll immediately start using ‘co-cheater’ and ‘family arsonist.’

      I will also add I hope the person or people responsible for taking actual time to contemplate and recommend this change are cheated on at some point. To those ignorant people – I guarantee you won’t view the co-conspirator as a “companion or lover” when you’re leveled by infidelity. Insult to injury for so many of us who’ve been betrayed.

    • I wrote mine this morning and couldn’t come back until now and I am unbelievably flummoxed that this was not deluged in laugh emojis while I was gone! 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

      • Hey, it covers all the genders either as the receptacle or the insertion item. It’s a throwback to the wild Wild West. 🤫😉

  • Agree with @Marie above that the AP stooping to gross pronouncements like this really takes their credibility down a notch.

    This is another one of those prime false equivalency examples that I love when you point out, CL. I seriously live for these.

    Like, certainly don’t question it when a person unabashedly embezzles money from you and your children, takes away your bodily autonomy and your right to sexual consent, and heaven knows what else, but sure, when someone refers to your schmoopie as a “mistress,” it’s “sexist.” Saints preserve us! ::clutches pearls:: 😂🆗

    (Btw, like many other commenters, I *believe* people use the term “mistress” to avoid using other, er….wayyyy more salty terms.)

  • I am now partial to using the recent Chump Nation suggestion of “Accomplice”.
    It drove me to distraction when my attorney changed all reference to Tinsel Tits in legal documents as “girlfriend” instead of “affair partner”. This round she gets to be referred to as “wife”. To which I say, “Bless her heart” with all Southern connotation.

  • Yep. I can’t think of many things more sexist then a whore relegating herself to the role of cheap piece of ass, or one so insecure and pathetic that she can’t find an available man.

    Try to call a spade whatever you want….it’s still a spade.

  • “Alternate Fuck” seems appropriate.
    It does not suggest judgement, is not gendered and fits with our reality free political era.
    You can also get creative with abbreviations:
    Alt Fuck – shortened but proper
    A.Fuck – ironic twist on Tru Wuv
    Alternate F – rapper version
    AlFuck – closer to the truth

    I am sure CL Nation can come up with more.

    • I’m with Kintsugi 100%!
      The only thing I would add is Cum Dumpster. These terms are short and directly to the point. They are also pretty universally understood for what they refer to.

  • An affair by definition requires three people. The only innocent party without responsibility is the married/committed partner in the dark, known here as the Chump. Then there is the married/committed partner who steps outside the relationship (your nickname here). Third, whom we are discussing today, is the affair accomplice other responsible party who agrees to a relationship with the married/committed partner. I’m calling that person a hitman/hitwoman these days.

    Of course the affair accomplice is not responsible
    for the choices of the married/committed person. But the affair accomplice is responsible for their own choice to participate in an affair; it violates the boundaries of the chump. Both parties in an affair are abusing the chump.

    Someone who agrees to carry out a hit (the affair accomplices) are just as responsible for the damage done to the Chump as the person who ordered the hit.

    It’s called COLLUDING WITH VIOLENCE in domestic violence parlance. The domestic violence community regards both participants in an affair as committing violence against the chump. To regard an affair partner as a victim to feel sorry for is to collude with violence.

    I am currently enrolled in a 52-week domestic violence prevention program at my local domestic violence shelter. I wish we applied the appropriate DV terms for what affairs are to our belief systems around infidelity instead of using ANY breezy innocuous euphemisms.

    As long as we excuse the affair partner and only hold the married/committed partner accountable we make no progress.

    • PS….in my class, we use the word “hitman/hitwoman”. It’s the name for the part of someone that uses forms of violence toward another person. The acronym for the forms of violence are the PEEVSSS. They stand for Physical, Emotional, Economic, Verbal, Sexual, Stalking, Strangulation.

      BOTH affair participants employ many, if not all, of the PEEVSSS and you bet your ass the affair accomplice is just as guilty as the married/committed person. Please stop excusing them.

      • Love the use of Mafia terms – they are pervasive enough in pop culture that there is no confusion as the to the violence associated with them. It is way past time that cheating is directly and unequivocally called out for what it is – a deliberate and insidious form of domestic violence. I am so sick of it being painted in terms of romance in dominant culture.

    • Good for you on the domestic violence prevention program!!! I did a much shorter training last fall and it was eye-opening to my own situation (which didn’t involve physical violence but was abuse nevertheless) as well as the horror going down in so many relationships in our culture. I’m working on getting more involved with our local shelter.

    • So true Velvet. If individuals would have more common sense and integrity not to engage with a married or committed person there would be far less lives destroyed. Takes two people to have an affair.

  • I usually stick with Slut Face or Schmoopie but I supposed Affair Partner would be better for formal prose. AP probably doesn’t like the idea of using the abbreviation AP to replace the term Mistress, however.

  • Hypotenuse – Right Triangles only – the side that joins the two legs – it is always the longest side,
    it is the c as in a^2 + b^2 = c^2. Can’t have one in an equilateral triangle but can be in an isosceles 😃
    (math teacher here – couldn’t resist)

    I prefer “that whore” used for both the cheater and their accomplice.

  • The face that the AP didn’t suggest “affair partner” which is already in common use AND gender neutral makes me think the style committee is full of skanks, dumb little tarts, fuckwits, and lying cheating bastards.

  • I use Skankella. As for my ex all I just call him Fuckwit. I actually think Skankella is to good for her. There is no name to describe a person who knowingly sneaks around with their cousin’s husband.

  • Not original to me: derived from something someone else posted here-

    “Spare pussy” or “spare dick”

  • Off topic slightly but talking about horrendous kids, I was great friends with a girl I knew in Geneva many years ago and ended up travelling round Australia with her for six months. She stayed in Australia and I came back to Europe. We both got married, moved on etc. and one time she and her husband came out to Switzerland with their 3 kids WHO WERE HORRENDOUS! Ages about 8, 6 and 2 I guess, same as mine at the time. But she said she had been raised with criticism so NEVER disciplined her kids and they were absolute monsters. The 2 year old I could forgive but not the other 2. They stayed with us and it was AWFUL, no discipline, kids allowed to draw on my walls, we were asked to leave a restaurant because of HER kids because of the mess, while mine were sitting quietly playing cars or drawing! I thought I was maybe going weird but other friends who had contact with them while they were here also had the same reaction,. One time when they came in to work to see people the Australian delegate came out of a meeting room and asked her to control her kids and shut them up because people were trying to work!!! But that visit broke a friendship, not just with me but with everyone they met up with and they all said the same thing – “those f…..ing kids”!!! Many years later I think “oh let by-gones be by-gones” but nobody else ever wants to hook up with that couple again even now, although they were actually a very nice couple because of the awful way they raised their kids – nobody wanted to be around them. But back on topic, for me, my ex was the twat and she was the skank, but slag works just as well for me!

    • So no one wanted to stay friends with a “very nice couple” because of the way they we’re raising their kids? But many people will stay friends with a cheater & his AP or the new wife & think of them as “a very nice couple.” The way I see it, parents who have such lousy character that they cannot put effort into civilizing their children are not “nice. ” Enough people agree that they begin to shun them. But adultery is accepted by so many people that even when the wreckage is known, they don’t take a stand. Maybe because someone else’s adultery doesn’t affect their environment the way noisy, poorly behaved children do?

      • You’re right of course. Don’t get me wrong, they really are a great fun couple, but (in my opinion) totally wrong in their way of raising kids. Maybe, so many years later, those kids are great, but the damage was done. NOBODY wanted to have them stay with them, but of course, that is easier avoided than having a cheater in the mix.

  • I just called him back door jack. I totally agree euphamism frequently diminish the significance of things. Goerge Carlan does a great routine on it. I particuly like the Do Nothing Bitch comment. Mine was near that, she was the queen of the overrated bitch cookies.

  • In real life I say she’s my HUSBAND’s girlfriend. The part where she’s a whore and he’s scum of the earth is implied.

  • Cock-Roach. They are attracted to all things dirty and scurry to hide when someone turns on the lights.

    Someone on the forum (I’m sorry I can’t remember who) once referred to The Fuckwit King’s paramour as “The Foreskin-Gnawing Gutter Rat,” which is apropos as well.

  • Fucking a married or taken man IS an archaic and sexist business, so when the word fits perfectly, use it. Mistress is really rather polite for all the other words people use and prefer.

    But if we must update it to modern times, I’d go with side chick – it’s current parlance and perfectly descriptive of the position the whore takes up willingly and knowingly….ooops….yeah I really think of them both as whores. Another vote for whore as an accurate replacement to mistress.

    To call a whore a lover or companion….while technically correct, does completely dirty the common use and meaning of those words. It doesn’t make the deed any less vile though of the participants something other than whores.

    The bottom line is that changing words doesn’t change the condition or the act done and certainly doesn’t change what people really think about it. Sorry. Even before becoming a chump, whores were always called whores and judged harshly in my social circles.

    I’ll even go so far as to say that this constant whitewashing, trying to change reality with soft bs words doesn’t change reality, but does end in who we have in the office. People get fed and start lashing out. It sure as heck doesn’t change what anyone really thinks. A whore is a whore is a whore.

  • I still fondly recall him complaining to the therapist, “she keeps calling them SKANKS!”. Why yes, yes I did. That lovely therapist found no issue with it. I really liked her.

  • I wonder if today’s CL was inspired by yesterday’s letter to Carolyn Hax in the WaPo. A chump wrote in that her husband cheated with a co-worker. All very new and a divorce is in process. She said because of the pandemic her 21 year old son’s internship was cancelled and he might be working at a summer camp with dad and the mistress. She was wondering what to say to son. Sweet baby Jesus, most of the comments ripped the chump a new arsehole for using the term mistress and GET OVER IT ALREADY you pathetic bitter woman. Yikes. I think it was a bunch of cheaters writing in to minimize their behavior. Or the smug ones haven’t been on the receiving end. I don’t wish them to be the recipient of cheating…well, maybe just a wee bit! I bet they change their opinion on the word mistress ASAP.

    • Jesus Christ on a cracker! I have not seen that. But I’ve written about Carolyn Hax and her total tone-deafness about infidelity. Check the archives.

      That is absolutely awful.

      • Check the Carolyn Hack….oops, Hax!…marital record….she was married 1994-2002, then remarried in 2002….

  • How about “cum-panion?” Gender neutral and focuses on the main reason they are together.

  • Adore CL and CN, but I think it’s key to note a power differential is implied in this definition by “and financially supported by”. I work with vulnerable people and I’m a health care worker so my nerves are FRIED right now but I think we should acknowledge some “AP’s” are actually just abused women. If your spouse was f*cking a 22 year old with an intellectual disability who lives with her auntie and thinks he’s her boyfriend, your spouse is dirt. If the “AP” is a 33 year old illegal immigrant with PTSD and a kid to send money to in their home country, your spouse is garbage. These women aren’t *lovers* or *companions* but they also shouldn’t be kicked while they’re down… the fault in these situations lies 110% with ya creepy-ass hopefully ex spouse.

    • right – mine was a poor single mother who wanted a sugar daddy. I don’t feel sorry for her. she knew exactly what she was doing so tramp, whore fits. the fuckwit carries the responsibility for destroying our family life, she is still a tramp.

    • Oh they aren’t angels either. I’ve had my share of hard times, but fucking married guys wasn’t one of my ways out.

      I shall think whatever the hell I want to about them. Lowlifes all of them.

  • The POS 🍺 x called (probably still does) his father’s mistress now wife a “home wrecking whore”.

    Wonder if he uses the same name for his own schmoopie now wife with whom (and her 4 children) he had a secret life for 3 years before I found out!!

    Oh probably not!! 🍺‘s schmoopie is really really wealthy!

  • To his face I called her his “Mistress” the whole time I was divorcing him. Worked well. Made him cringe.

    Since then, I have substituted “The Help.”

    As in, “What did you think I would do when you started fucking “The Help?” * (References the Fuckfest downgrade as she was an Army Captain. Fuckface was a full Colonel).

    Also, “Twat Muffin” was one that I invented about 6 months ago. Kind of catchy?

  • This is just another attempt at political correctness. Don’t want to pigeonhole anyone or hurt their wittle feelings. Why shouldn’t these shitty people suffer the consequences of their deplorable actions which, last time I checked, was still socially unacceptable at least by people of standards and integrity. I say call a spade a spade.

    “Lover“ or “companion“ sugarcoats their disgusting behavior so much so it makes my sweet tooth ache. I will never refer to someone who knowingly and willingly enters into a relationship with a married person anything other than what they truly are, skank whore, garbage, selfish piece of shit, Twatt, cunt, etc. Take your pick.

  • Cum Guzzling Ghetto Whore is how I usually refer to her.
    On occasion i mix it up just for fun – Cum Guzzling Butt Slut
    I also called her a Slug – every time she was out walking in front of our home I would politely ask her to clean up her “Slug Tracks” that she was leaving behind her
    I told my husband that he should tie a board to his ass next time so that when she hiccups he doesn’t fall in

  • dirty skanky nasty ass whore
    hopants/hobag
    For name calling to my spouse. But these words don’t shame him. She is his prized possession whether out of duper’s delight, blowing sparkles up his ass, giving him cake…what have u. He barely squirms.

    When I think of other couples that I think of the AP as life thief —if they are history. If they married the guy, I think woman of low moral character and just cringe.

  • When I first started reading CL, someone used the term hyena to describe an AP….and I liked it. What better way to describe some scavenger looking to feed on the scraps of a life built by someone else. Someone, who by virtue of sneaking and skulking around, seeks to insinuate themselves into a life, a home, a family they had no part in creating. Parasite also comes to mind. Like a cancer, they destroy everything around them, even themselves sometimes, without a second thought.

  • As much as I agree with the narrative that what we as Chumps go through is a horrible thing, I rarely see anything but the trail of tears that we leave behind, as the Twu-luvs skip off into the sunset. Sadly, hoes be winning!

  • I replied to their tweet also! I gave them a few options: skank, slut, and hoe bag. But I’m not sure they’re going to use my options 😂

  • Hmm. Wondering who is in charge of the AP Stylebook. It can’t be a mistress because she would be earning her own money

  • I don’t like Schmoopie, because of the same reason Amiisfree used for another term: “mostly because it’s diminutive. It makes an AP who is a woman sound like a helpless little waif, an oppressed servant.”

    “Schmoopie” sounds like a nick-name I would give to a little child who I adore.

    “Partner” is someone who I work with, and have a great deal of respect and affection for, so “Partner” is not a good word to use her.

    “Fuck” seems like a precious word to use for hot sex with your spouse, so I don’t use it in connection with a cheater’s activity.

    I also don’t like to use such a wonderful word as “Bitch,” I pride myself on being a bitch. A bitch is a woman of power and honor and courage in her family and pack. So no way is a cheater’s accomplice ever gonna be given that honorific. “Bitch” has a close synonym: Bad-Ass, also definitely who I am.

    As far as AP-style, I find accuracy in a term that implies illegal activity: Stooge, Adultery Accomplice. I wouldn’t use the following words in a newspaper, but they’re great in a conversation about a co-cheater: dumbass, whore, jackal, halitosis, inane conversation, but I digress —

  • I think it is wrong for the AP style guide to think “mistress” was a problem to use and that their answer to instead use words that do not in any way imply the illicitness of cheating implies that they think cheating is perfectly fine behavior. I am going to call them out it!
    The answer is a male equivalent or one word that covers both adequately. Like what we use, “Affair partner”.

  • This is not universally applicable , but since my ex’s Schmoopie had served 5 of 15 in Albion for armed robbery , she has been “Felonious B” since I found out.

    Still makes me smile.

  • In the early post-discovery days, I snooped and found correspondence between my XH and the AP in which he referred to her as AV and she called him DB. I assumed the initials were abbreviated versions of their pet names for each other, but at the time I was too numb with grief to crack the code. I’ve since figured it out. DB is clearly Douche Bag, and AV stands for Auxiliary Vagina. Works for me!

  • I simply refer to them both as ‘adulterers’ . My stbx hates it of course! It’s a wonderful reminder of their sinful and disgusting actions.

  • I’ll use the words my ex used when trying to convince me that she was ” just sex ” he called her a ” stupid hog, just a piece of ass ” Yet he continued to see her for 13 years that he now admits to. I would bet money there it was even longer than that and there were many other ” stupid hog” along the way. Says a lot for him, right? I’m not on the outside looking in, I’m not on the inside looking out, I’m in the dead fucking center looking around
    I have the opinion life has taught me.

  • Man whore, skank whore, what’s the diff?

    They’re both human slime, with no character, integrity, or moral compass.

  • Whether I agree with it or not, if the Style guide is adding this update would that mean that Mistresses/Whores in kept relationships are becoming more common or more acceptable?

  • In a conversation with my then husband of 27 years, I used the term mistresses in reference to the two women he was simultaneously having affairs with. To this, he turned on me and viciously said, “They are not mistresses! They are the women I love!”

    I think I was actually speechless. What do you even say to that!?

  • The AP’s argument reminds of those rape trials where they ban the word “rape” from the trial. So the victim can never name the crime the perpetrator committed against them..

    The AP is flat out wrong here. Their argument only supports perpetrators and harms victims.

  • I always just told him to keep his cum collectors off my property and away from my kid. Amongst girlfriends, we referred to them as his karmic cunt collective as it is only a matter of time before karma kicks in and he catches something incurable regardless of whether he’s paying top dollar or just boozing them up.

  • I think there’s another Chumptastic on here so I’m changing my name!

    They should be gender neutral:

    Ugly bit on the side
    Homewrecker
    Life wrecker
    Heartbreaker
    Humiliator
    Partner stealer
    Thief
    Cheating accomplice
    Co-conspirator
    Co-abuser
    Liar
    Cheater
    Coward
    Whore (especially in their definition this would be accurate if they get money)

    I’ve always hated the word mistress anyway. A mistress is someone who plays a role, like an accepted role, to help uphold a man’s sense of entitlement to cheat. I think the word needs to not reflect some “respectful” role, but the role they actually played which is how much they hurt people. In France the lovely word is Concubine-they are a “mistress” but have a lower status. I think a mistress has a lower status too, but concubine and mistress have the air of acceptance about them, so perhaps those words should be reserved for people who put themselves up for polyamory and the pain of being lied to isn’t part of the story.

    That’s not true of us chumps-we just got fucking lied to. Gaslit. Manipulated. Hurt. Dumped. Totally different!

    • I don’t think they would attack concubine. It has Muslim roots as well as French. It would not be very politically correct or acceptable.

  • I’ll accept the term “companion” when Associated Press accepts “Mistress Stylebook”.

  • “Does fuck puppet have a hyphen?” Omg, CL’s wit cracks me up so much! Lmao

    I agree with AP, in that the word Mistress shouldn’t really be used anymore. My reasoning is because it’s to nice of a word to describe them.

    The word Mistress used to be a respectable description. It meant head of the household or the one in control. Even though now most of us associate it with who a married person is cheating with, it’s still too mild and sweet of a description for who they are.

    So now they want to ruin the respectable, decent word of Companion instead? Who are these people insisting that cheaters shouldn’t be judged and are entitled to a more respectable title? My guess is that many of them must be cheaters as well.

    They don’t want to insult cheaters by calling them Mistresses. What’s next, it not being correct to refer to another as Murderer? Instead we need to only refer to them as Brutes, or Wrongdoers? We wouldn’t want to offend them afterall! Oh plz!

    So yes, go ahead and do away with calling them Mistress. Call them what describes them better. From the majority of posts I’ve read here today, it seems that any of the following are better words for them anyway (female or male)…. Whore, Skank, Fuckwit, Twat.

    Goodbye Mistress. Hello Whore! 👍

    • Btw, there is a paid position in the Home Health Care Industry called a “Companion”. So if AP refers to Cheaters as Companions instead of Mistress’s then that everyone who holds that respectable position is going to be affected by it.

      It AP can’t get theirselves to write Whore or Fuckwit, just use Cheater then. Oh that’s too vulgar & inappropriate of a word? If a Cheater thinks the word is offensive to them, then don’t do the action the word describes, duh!

  • When I showed her picture to people at work they said “what the fuck is it?” I think Hoebag, whore, trashy skank doesn’t matter what name you attach every shoe fits as they are void of any human qualities.
    They are never a victim they are a willing participant in the destruction of families. Because I would hope you would get to know someone before you screwed them.

  • I prefer whore….but in the pronunciation used by Joe Pantoliano’s character in The Sopranos.
    It’s like it rhymes with sewer with more emphasis on the first syllable.

  • I’ve been using ‘fuck buddy’. Actually ‘crooked-toothed crock-wearing fuck buddy’ to be exact. Boy -they real don’t trade up, do they.

  • Haven’t had time to read all the interesting names, but, lest we forget, The First Wives Club movie?
    It’s an undated movie and appeals to all the usual cheater shit.

    Bette Midler’s term was “The Vampire Lestat”.

    A good movie.

    • My attorney referred to my STBXH’s affair partner as “Bottomfeeder”…….Kind of has a nice ring to it and so she was christened.

  • “Co-adulterers” works for me.

    The word “ Adultery “ spells the abuse out with very little wiggle room for political correctness or minimizing the act.

    We called male APs “Jody” whilst singing in cadence on PT runs. “Jody’s got your girl and gone”…
    For my xw, Jezebel or white trailer trash 🗑 Worked extremely well.

    “Fuck Boy” was my favorite denigrating term for x’s Co-adulterer during my last words with her before I learned how to speak Cricket 🦗

  • I did some research and found what our ancestors called these women in the 1600’s:

    Crafty Whore

    Street Walker

    Exquisite Whore

    Lascivious Gallant

    Night Walker

    She-Friends

    Jilts

    Cracks

    Linen Lifters

    Prostitutes

    In the 1600’s, there was a publication in England called “The Wandering Whore” and it catalogued all the whores in London. This was 400 years ago.

    Also, if a married man is paying a woman for sex, that’s not a mistress, companion, or lover. He is a “John” and she is his “prostitute.” Any time money is involved, it no longer falls into the category of mistress.

  • For some reason, this is really pissing me off. Maybe it’s cus I’m coming up on my chump-aversary. Or maybe it’s because I watch too reality tv. Either way, I’ve seen a lot of cheater apologizing and sympathizing lately, and it makes me feel so damn small.

    *Deep Sigh*

    Sometimes it feels like a goddamn uphill battle to reckon with the fact that society at large just doesn’t seem to think that cheating is a problem. And in fact, it’s healthy, and people that get cheated on are bitter.

    It makes me not even want to give a fuck anymore. Fuck the AP and all of their bs.

    Sorry for my tirade, I just needed to get it out.

  • Because we know a cheater never changes its spots, just its partners, instead of “mistress” let’s just call her or him “Next”…

  • Skank. Other times, I may choose to call the skank a cunt (yes, I say that word and spell it without using *). The latter word is only used for most vile people on earth. Skank fits that bill easily.

    I called the one before me a whore, because even though she eventually became his live-in gf, she actually started out as a whore; he paid her to go on trips with him. He cheated on her all the time, though, but what did she expect? She was a whore who tried to become Martha Stewart.

    My God, I am so happy I am smart and out of those days. I seriously think I survived the craziest story of anyone I know by dating that sociopath. It’s jawdropping the duplicity and hypocrite skanks involved. Money brings out the worst in people or maybe it just reveals who they are to begin with?

  • To call a mistress a “companion” is wrong.

    What about all those poor companion animals like my dogs. They now have to deal with the changing of the meaning of the word companion. My dogs do not have long term sexual relationships with married men for money. And now this. How will the dog therapist make my dogs understand that they are companions and not “companions.” They have a hard enough time understanding human culture and the nuances of the English language. Now this!

    My dogs have more self-esteem in one dew claw than a “mistress” has in her entire body, including the dark aura that follows a whore wherever she goes.

    No calling the other woman a “companion”..,unless she crawls on all fours, puts on a harness, and becomes a leader dog for the blind woman down the street. If she leads the woman across the street 1,000 times safely, then maybe she can be called a companion.

    But until then she can be called:

    Loose legs

    Loose lips

    Loose ass

    Petri Pussy
    (Who the hell knows what grows in there).

    • Um… unfortunately I do believe my husband’s whore was on a leash (and still is). Just sayin’ and no respect to your lovely dogs. I’d take the dogs any day.

        • Hello Formerly,
          No disrespect taken! I actually laughed at your comment.

          My comment about companion animals was written purely as satire. But, of course, there is always truth in satire. I realize I need to mark the comments that I make that are satirical versus my serious ones.

          I will take the dogs any day too!! (Serious)

          So the “whore” in your situation likes to be on a leash? Or is it that she is keeping your husband on the least. The one who thinks he is the master often becomes the slave. I am specifically referencing that old song by Sting called “Wrapped Around Your Finger.” (Satire).

          On a serious note, I am truly sad about what you are going through with your husband. Knowing he is with another person is the most heart breaking experience in the world. I hope that you find your happy place soon. And I am pretty sure that includes dogs. My dogs are literally like family members.

          Have a good one ❤️

          • Sarah P, he actually wanted someone to be a sub! So she is the servant and he is the master which makes her a bitch. But I agree, who is the master? They deserve each other and the shitty lives they’ve chosen. He lost a loving wife, his best friend, a home and family…and a business and all his respect.

            • FormerlyKmownAs,

              I know it’s cold comfort but it seems your husband has built a trap for himself by his own hand.

              I am just sorry you had to be caught in the fallout.

              Don’t worry, at the rate he is going, the karma bus will be hitting him soon, if it hasn’t already. And if it has hit him, it will back up and run over him again. And again and again.

              I hope you find love, solace, peace of mind, and hope you have some good friends to lift you up.

              • Thanks Sarah P. I do have lovely friends, and yes, something wonderful lies ahead for me and my wonderful daughter. Waiting for the karma bus…

  • Names for an affair partner: Cunt, herpetic cunt, floppy loose stretched out cunt, used condom, cunt whore, pathetic…for some reason it really gets my anger out to call her a cunt. I called her a used condom via fb messenger…Specific to my situation, I also called her a five-headed cunt (not as in she has 5 heads, but as in she has a fivehead instead of a forehead because her forehead is fucking HUGE!!!!!) Also called her a no-chin-having, low-set ear having, lack of cranial rotation during embryonic development leading to learning disability and lack of a highschool diploma-having cunt. Oh and marfanoid habitus having cunt. I don’t think the last few phrases phased her since she couldn’t comprehend them.

    • Emma,
      That is so funny! “Lack of cranial rotation during embryonic development.” I know what that means, but since it’s medical terminology I am pretty sure the OW doesn’t know what it means. How creative. Keep slamming her with medical terminology. Soon she will start staring like a deer in the headlights and be totally immobilized.

    • Marfanoid? I have read all this way and this is my only objecttion so far. Didn’t Lincoln and lots of other great people have Marfan’s? I feel defensive on behalf of Marfan’s sufferers everywhere.

  • That made me laugh so hard! Thanks for that. I’ve had long discussions about whether I call my ex’s whore a cunt. The conversation was essentially that cunts are nice. They feel good, they are good. Assholes on the other hand are vessels for shit. So, my group of friends settled on asshole. To add to the confusion, my ex’s whore was a lesbian (or not). And when I tell people we’ve split up many people say, “I always thought he was gay.” I think I would have noticed after 25 years, but hey! I’m a chump. So now I’m totally confused, but what I do know is that they are both shit vessels who have no idea what they are. Cheating shit vessels deserve each other.

  • Are the cheater’s financially supporting their AP’s?? The word “mistress” makes more sense if she is financially supported. There should be another word for duped AP’s who had no idea that the cheater was married. Or another type of duped AP financially supports the morally gross cheater.

  • How about instead of “mistress”, we use “cum-guzzling-gutter whore”? I prefer that to “mistress” anyway.

  • I call the fucktard’s skank “the rat faced whore.”

    It really does look like rat, the process server who Willard opened the door to said it reminded him of his pet rat! 😂🐀

  • S(he) is not HORNY – S(he) is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

    S(he) does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – S(he) has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

    If you think men cannot wear too much makeup… you might be surprised.

    S(he) is not a SLUT – S(he) is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

    S(he) is not LOOSE – S(he) is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.

    S(he) is not a TWO BIT WHORE – S(he) is a LOW COST PROVIDER

    I really , really think Google is getting close to a singularity.

    • NotAsaint,

      Those are hilarious terms. A spin doctor couldn’t have done a better job. And when they have sex, it’s not sex.
      It’s just two people using one another as a self-aware Pilates plank.

  • You know it’s funny….. I don’t feel the need to use any kind of venomous words against the affair partner anymore. Perhaps I have reached meh. Recently the ex told me that he and the AP broke up. I don’t know if it’s true but I don’t even care anymore. Two-years-ago me would have had some kind of huge reaction.

  • I’m digressing again but for some reason I feel compelled to voice my agreement with people here who stood up for honest sex workers. ‘Whore” has somehow become a terrible insult, a word used to describe real bottomfeeders like certain criminal defense attorneys and expert witnesses. But I once lived in an apartment across the hall from a high-end escort and she had her issues but she was one of the hardest-working people I’ve ever met. I’ve known maybe five people in my life with that kind of work ethic. So here’s to honest hard-working people, whatever their chosen careers.

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