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UBT: Let’s Put Aside ‘Our Differences’ for These Special Times in Our Kids’ Lives

Dear Chump Lady,

Here is a very topical subject dealing with Covid, Kids, and Warped Reality.

I’ve been Chumped 2x by my Soon To Be Ex-Wife (STBXW)

Quick background.

In 2019 my wife dropped the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” bomb on me. She claimed there was nobody else and she had not cheated on me. “When would I have time for that?” she said. “A relationship is the last thing on my mind” she said. Two months later she filed for divorce based on “irreconcilable differences”.

She pulled a similar situation on me in late 2016 and we went to counseling. We reconnected and I re-proposed. She eagerly accepted and claimed she was happier than ever and felt closer to me than ever. We have been married over 20 years and together almost 25…. 3 kids.

Well guess what I discovered…..she did have an affair starting right before she dumped me in 2019. I am obviously extremely pissed at her with her lies, her friends’ lies and what she has done to me and my children. (My guess is she strayed in 2016 too but I was too Chumpy to investigate).

When confronted with the truth, she does not acknowledge or offer any explanation or apology (even thought I have 100% proof). It is sickening…….for all of those who have been through this, I am sorry for your pain. It is unbelievable that someone I was with for a quarter century is a liar, cheater, hypocrite and just an awful human with poor character.

After a combined 10 months trying to save my marriage, I turned the corner and decided I did not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me. Shortly thereafter, my investigation uncovered her cheating horror. Never thought she would in a million years!! (Chump Logic)

I eventually moved out (been over 6 months now) and have been dating an amazing woman. Our divorce is dragging on now and the STBXW has gone silent in the divorce discussions.

Anyway, please translate this recent email from my STBXW.

I am not sure if you are aware of this or not –
(Our son’s) graduation consists him walking across a stage in front of the high school on Wednesday at 9 am.

Each student is allowed 1 vehicle with the max of 5 persons (including the student). An additional car pass can be obtained by calling the high school office. There is still only 5 person max (including student) regardless of 1 or 2 cars.

I am fine with us all riding in one car – I spoke with (Our son) and he indicated that he would like both of us as well as his 2 siblings to be there. If you choose to drive separately, you will need to contact the school for the extra car pass.

The following Friday – the graduation ceremonies are to be aired on the local TV station, as well as going online.

Again, you are welcome to view this here, as I don’t believe you will be able to get it at your house, unless it goes on YouTube. (Your Girlfriend) is also welcome. My parents are supposed to be coming up on Wednesday for a few days and should be here as well. I am willing to get pizza and wings – something simple for this occasion. I have also spoken with (our son) about this, and he is onboard as well.

Since my parents will be here – I would like to ask if they could possibly come on Sunday for a few hours for a visit with them. Their schedule is flexible, either breakfast, lunch or dinner – this would also have to work around (Our son’s) work schedule, as I am unsure of what that is at this time.

Despite all that is going on and the unknowns between now and then between us, this is (our son’s) graduation and I believe (our son) should be our first priority and make this about him. We need to look past our differences, if not at least for these special times in our kids’ lives.

Please let me know your plans.

I am assuming her parents still do not know her cheating truth. And she wants to have this get-together at the house I worked my whole life for (and now do not live in). My girlfriend and her have never met (and obviously she has not met my soon to be ex-inlaws either).

I am withholding my feelings to see how closely they will relate to the Universal Bullshit Translator

Thanks!!!

Nothing Chumpares 2 U

Dear Nothing Chumpares 2 U,

“Thanks, I’ve contacted the school about the extra car pass” would be my succinct reply. No need to defend your decision or explain the obvious — that you’re divorcing and she doesn’t get to play One Big Happy Family.

Also, I wouldn’t bring your girlfriend. First off, it’s early in the relationship for that. Second, why should this poor innocent be a lightning rod? If you go with a plus-one and STBXW left her affair partner at home — guess what everyone will assume about your break up. (Not that you should give a rat’s ass. But I would deprive her of the trap.)

Sigh.

Poor kid just wants to graduate in a pandemic and have his day. I’d have a word with your son and tell him about the extra car, and then celebrate him in your own way with your family on your own time. Even if that’s takeout delivery and a Zoom call to distant relations. Start owning significant life events without the ex. Your child is still your family. She’s not your family. That’s how divorce works. She doesn’t like it? As I say here a lot: “If you didn’t want to go to Chicago, why’d you get on the train?”

Sadly, you may have to manage your child’s expectations around this. Clearly your ex has set him up for the Big Happy Family Public Showing, you need to let him know you’ll be there to celebrate him, but in another car. Your son is entitled to his feelings of sadness or anger around that, or it might be a big shrug to him. (Hard to know with teenagers.) But don’t be afraid to have a boundary. This isn’t a binary situation — not riding in the car equals non-support of him.

As for the UBT… it’s been eating too many cookies. Even mechanical bullshit translators get the blues. Our country has gone to hell. Peaceful protestors shot with rubber bullets and tear gassed.  It’s a little too close to home. Literally. Your UBT was out perambulating right before curfew in DC last night and missed being gassed by about 20 minutes. We’re collectively having a convulsive national moment of It’s Not What You Did, It’s Our Reaction to It.

Even the UBT can’t absorb that much bullshit.

Back to you, Nothing Chumpares. I’ve given the UBT a swift kick in its quarter panel. “I WILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO TYRANNY!” it cries. I feed it another cookie…

I am not sure if you are aware of this or not –

I am not sure if you’re as Splendid a Parent as I am, finger on the pulse of all the offspring’s doings.

(Our son’s) graduation consists him walking across a stage in front of the high school on Wednesday at 9 am.

So I will explain how graduations work. Presumably, you’ve never been to one. There is a stage and the awarding of diplomas. They happen at set times, as opposed to random happenstance.

Each student is allowed 1 vehicle with the max of 5 persons (including the student). An additional car pass can be obtained by calling the high school office. There is still only 5 person max (including student) regardless of 1 or 2 cars.

I am fine with us all riding in one car – I spoke with (Our son) and he indicated that he would like both of us as well as his 2 siblings to be there. If you choose to drive separately, you will need to contact the school for the extra car pass.

I am fine with cake. I triangulated with our son and he indicated that he would like me to enjoy cake. As well as his two siblings. Anyone can be a prop in my impression management. If you choose to drive separately, you suck.

The following Friday – the graduation ceremonies are to be aired on the local TV station, as well as going online.

Our Intact Family I Never Cheated On These People impression management will be aired on the local TV and online.

Again, you are welcome to view this here, as I don’t believe you will be able to get it at your house, unless it goes on YouTube.

If sharing a car ride with me isn’t distasteful enough, there’s also watching television together in my home. I only offer because they probably don’t have internet signals in the sad, feral man hovel you live in. And I am munificent.

(Your Girlfriend) is also welcome.

To be my prop. Wouldn’t it be funny if you showed up with a plus-one and I didn’t and you looked like the cheater and I don’t? I’m just a brave, misunderstood woman trying to hold her family together For The Children and you are a cruel indifferent bastard who is foisting his new relationship off on his children.

Bring her! I have veiled hostility and box wine.

My parents are supposed to be coming up on Wednesday for a few days and should be here as well.

Don’t tell them why we are divorcing. Just bring your girlfriend and let them guess.

I am willing to get pizza and wings – something simple for this occasion. I have also spoken with (our son) about this, and he is onboard as well.

I am willing to get pizza and wings — just not finalize the divorce. What pairs well with obstruction?

#moreboxwine

Since my parents will be here – I would like to ask if they could possibly come on Sunday for a few hours for a visit with them. Their schedule is flexible, either breakfast, lunch or dinner – this would also have to work around (Our son’s) work schedule, as I am unsure of what that is at this time.

Multigenerational impression management! I’ll warm up a quiche. Talk amongst yourselves. Or don’t. Just stand there like theater set pieces in my self-involved drama.

Despite all that is going on and the unknowns between now and then between us,

Word salad. It’s what’s for Sunday brunch.

this is (our son’s) graduation and I believe (our son) should be our first priority and make this about him.

I am my first priority. Let’s make this about me. Our son, however, is a convenient hypotenuse to bludgeon you with.

We need to look past our differences, if not at least for these special times in our kids’ lives.

We need to look past me being a serial cheater, For The Children. Just during the special times. Monday through Sunday, 24 hours a day, all year, between now and infinity.

Please let me know your plans.

Please bow to my entitlement.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • If anyone wants to chide me for being political today, I won’t be tolerating tangents. Is that unfair? After I went on a tangent? Unlike the free country we purportedly live in, I pay for and run this space. My rules. Take what you like and leave the rest.

    Let’s support Nothing Chumpares 2 U.

    • No chiding here. I wake up each morning lately and before I look at the news I say to myself “damage report”. And there it is.
      Chumpares should do his own separate thing and have nothing to do with the fuckwit and her circus. It will be a nice memory that way without tension.

    • No chiding, Chump Lady. No chiding.

      There are very crystalline parallels between cheaters and what is going on in many places around the world.
      Like you say, entitlement and excuses over the centuries to take unfair advantage of people.

    • You just keep getting better! I’m not normally the worshiping type, but I have exceptions. Abe Lincoln, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Chump Lady!

    • Oh it’s ok it’s a craaaaazy time in our country. And this man sounds like me dealing my ex in the beginning. I fell into the trap of doing what’s best for our child and it was so awful I will never do that again! I even had my family pressure me to be Christ like. So glad I found out I can still have my faith and not be a doormat lol

      • If I had a nickel for every time “Doing What’s Best For The Child” meant “doing what promotes cheater’s narrative, no matter how illogical“…
        Seriously, though. Sometimes the logic is so backward and the motive so obvious. I marvel at his self-delusion. Must be nice to live in a world where you are always right, every time.

        • That’s my ex. Over $70k in post decree expenses between us because he hung onto his delusions until a judge told him otherwise. My kids are starting to see his pathological belief in himself as they try to navigate adult relationships with him.

    • No chiding… the UBT (aka you) is smart to acknowledge the tough world and constant turmoil we are embroiled in. Adding stress from the world to our plates while dealing with being chumped is all of our reality… so many empathetic people trying to make sense of their world falling apart as the greater world is doing the same. We need doses of reality in with our UBT! Thanks.

    • As someone who is not American and possibly shouldn’t comment ( as I proceed to comment) how on earth is that vile malignant narcissist and jabbering blowhard the president of the United States?
      I watched CNN last night as peaceful protesters were pushed back and tear gassed by mounted police and Secret Service police and was appalled.
      No disrespect but Trump’s America is one of the last places on earth I’d want to live.

      • On behalf of my country, I give you official permission to comment. 🙂 I also thank you for your courtesy.

        Believe me, many of us ask ourselves the same question and still have not found the answer. We are collectively unspeakably embarrassed and afraid.

        I myself have been huddling in the corner in the fetal position for almost 4 years now (metaphorically speaking, of course).

        There’s a reason I wear a Canadian flag whilst traveling abroad. Thank you Canada, and sorry for that.

        • Nothing Compares…Go in your own car. One child with you, one with her. Make your own sign, blow up your own balloons, record your own video.

          When your son finishes his pizza with mom and grandparents, give him a call before bed to tell him how proud you are. Remind him of the plans you have at your place with your family.

          Keep the girlfriend out of it. I don’t want to disparage the “bliss” you might feel with this woman, but I will lovingly warn you that six months after a 25 year relationship doesn’t allow much time for deep healing so that you are whole for someone else. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date or enjoy yourself, just don’t cut short the special time you need to spend with your kids as they heal without bringing an outsider into it. A graduation is a big deal. Let your kids have “YOU”. You are showing them the importance of having boundaries on many fronts.

          Congratulations on the graduation of your baby boy!

          • HAHAHAHA. I don’t know which of my CN friends posted as “Canada” in response to Differently Chumped’s comment but I laughed very loudly for several seconds and those moments are hard to come by right now. Thank you. I officially love you. 😘💕

        • No one Chumpares,
          She is shitty! The condescending tone made me almost vomit and this is the same type of shit I get too, so I feel ya. I also get told in various ways what a terrible parent I am, how stressed our child is, blah blah blah. Do not take your girlfriend!!! Be mighty on your own. Have your own celebration and take the high road. Hold your head up high, get that car, have another celebration. I really doubt your son is pining for the whole family-that’s for sure her own image management. Gross 🤮. You got this.

    • Thank you for being political! Keep it up! Police are murdering black citizens en mass without consequences and then just amp up their violence against the citizenry when we speak up about it. Silence = death. Mass murder in this case. Thank you for saying something in your very public forum.

      This site is about fighting injustice so why not all injustice?

      • This is a lie. Black men are not being “murdered in mass by police.” Stats do not back up what media shows you. Media abides by a “Man bites dog” philosophy to make you believe something is an epidemic. Lots of things are being ignored but the Minnesota cop deserves to face the consequences but I’d suggest you look at the actual stats of interracial crime, race of those shot by police, and all of the other situations where non black men were shot by police and received no riots or looting.

        Media plays people like a fiddle.

    • It looks like some trolls came out from under their bridge because of all the unrest. Where is the like button? Perfect response CL, both to the trolls and to the poster! Rock on!

    • Dang it, I hate it when Tracy and/or Tempest erase the troll comments before I have a chance to read them and take a whack at them. Serves me right for forgetting to check the blog until evening. 😂

    • I whole-heartedly disagree with your politics but I write what I want on my site and of course believe you should write what you want on yours.

    • Thank you CL for adding this in! And I couldn’t agree more (as a Minneapolis resident where I’m regularly hearing awful reports of how peaceful protestors and medics are being attacked by police).

      “As for the UBT… it’s been eating too many cookies. Even mechanical bullshit translators get the blues. Our country has gone to hell. Peaceful protestors shot with rubber bullets and tear gassed. It’s a little too close to home. Literally. Your UBT was out perambulating right before curfew in DC last night and missed being gassed by about 20 minutes. We’re collectively having a convulsive national moment of It’s Not What You Did, It’s Our Reaction to It.”

      And as always the UBT nails it.

    • No need to apologize. Not everyone on has the same political views.

      CL and I may have polar opposite views politically and have two totally different perspectives regarding the current events happening in America, but it doesn’t matter. I still love CL. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.

      That’s what makes America great, we are free to have our own ideals and beliefs.

      • Chump Struggle (yes “we may have polar oppositve views about what’s happening in America”, but we can agree to disagree in parts and love CL)

        AND for NOTHING CHUMPS Nothing to You

        Please do NOT bring your new gf to your son’s graduation. IF and WHEN you become serious enough to introduce them, make it a much more casual low expectations event, not a “should have been Kodak moment but wasn’t, thanks to DAD’s OW…”.

        OMG what a nightmare that would be for your wonderful new GF, not to mention the other dozen reasons written about herein, mostly enabling your stbxw to do impression management. Look how gracious SHE is!!

        And no offense, but you just separated 6 months ago, correct? So then you began dating (after 20+ years of marriage) AND you are now serious enough to want her to meet your kids?

        Please slow down. I know it’s a terrible generalization (I apologize in advance,) but I am geuninely curious why even the non cheating men get into new relationships so fast.

        Anyhow, congrats to your son

        • This ^^^
          . as someone who saw their kids forced to play happily families with OW within months, I strongly advise Chumpares to keep your dating private (including from your ex, it’s none of her business) and not introduce your GF until you’ve been seriously dating for 6 months or more. The kids will still be in shock from the breakup even if they seem to be managing ok to you. Mine only told me years after what it was like. They just need time to readjust with no more complications.

    • I lived through 1968. This is just as bad but in a different way. I didn’t think that was possible.

  • 100% agree with chump lady on this . You are no longer a couple( please thank God every day for that). You do you and your son let her do whatever she wants with her parents and son on her time. Hold your head up high and be who you are. Her parents probably already know and if they don’t and ask you simply say “I didn’t like her boyfriend” calmly and with little emotion.

  • She doesn’t apologize or offer explanation because she gave herself permission to do what she did. Be thankful, she could have denied or lied more in the face of 100% proof, drawing you into many rounds of her denying or defending her choices.

    Mine, when asked at the end “why didn’t you just tell me that you wanted to see other women??”

    Him: “because I knew you would leave me”

    Rarely will you get such an honest answer and direct view into their fuckery.

    She felt entitled to cheat and did so. You have what you need now leave a cheater and gain a life. Congrats to your boy for graduating HS!

  • My son just announced that he and his wife will be having their first child. He said his father’s first and only question was “who did you tell first, me or your mother?”. Everything really is all about them. Trying to wrap my head around the face that the rest of my life will be spent dealing with the ex’s non stop attempts to make me look bad, and compete with me. It’s a bad gift that keeps on giving. He gets to have all holidays on the real day, he gets their birthdays on the real day. And I am supposed to keep smiling and say I am just fine with being second place to a heartless cheater and liar.

    I feel your pain Nothing Chumpares.

    • Mitz, Sounds like your son knows who the “real mum” is. Don’t let the jerk put you in the middle he can’t compete with you cause he’s a jerk and your son knows it. Make you special occasions with your son and his family yours to savour whatever day they fall on. When the new baby arrives who do you think will babysit ? Not that competing idiot he’s too self centre. Hugs to you and congratulations on your soon to be grandchild.

      • Exactly. Imagine how the son felt with his fathers response. Probably profound sadness instead the expected joy of his father becoming a grandfather

        • Thanks. My son and his wife live in my ex’s house. But I will do my very best! My son WAS very hurt that his father reacted this way. But good news, my son said that he has realized that his father is a narcissist! The bad news is that son says his dad is mentally ill and not responsbile for his behavior. But it’s progress.

          • Mitz, mentally ill people ought not to babysit unattended. Your son is very smart. He will protect his child and that is wonderful knowledge. I have 3 grandchildren and you are going to love it. You are amazing.

  • I love Homicide Hunter. Lieutenant Joe Kenda is one of my roles models. His “guilty people love to talk” is a reminder to stay silent and listen. In response, consider each and every word that you give them, if ANY, a gold coin. When the Lyong Game (cheating) gets revealed, it’s the chumps turn to clam up and trickle talk. And time to stop letting the lying liar make the rules. Cut the puppet strings, live in truth,

    • Thank you, Velvet Hammer. I needed the reminder today. I have been waiting 24 hours before responding and that helps with not wasting my “word coins” on him. Especially because I am noticing that he reads any email I send him OVER AND OVER. It’s like he is memorizing them! So the fewer words, the better. Trickle talk is also a good way to look at it. I appreciate the wisdom, thanks for sharing.

  • Thank you Tracy.

    First They Came
    Pastor Martin Niemoller

    First they came for the Communists
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not a Communist
    Then they came for the Socialists
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not a Socialist
    Then they came for the trade unionists
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not a trade unionist
    Then they came for the Jews
    And I did not speak out
    Because I was not a Jew
    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me.

    • I always use this writing regarding my cheater x.

      He always treated everyone else like crap. And I never thought he’d treat me like crap, until he did.

  • When my grandson graduated his X-wife a cheater showed up and sat with one of the children. I went with my son, who is no contact and we sat in a different area of the gym to watch the ceremony. After photos were taken outside and son was going off with friends. His cheater X said to child, who invited her (meaning grandma) I wanted to sit with my family???? The family she blew up a year earlier. ???? Amazing just amazing. It’s laughable if it wasn’t so stupidly sad. Just as a note after 6 month 2 of the 3 children chose to live with son as soon as they were old enough to make their own decision. The last one is not old enough yet. The reason; ” they hate the boyfriend and Mom is a jerk for choosing him over us”!
    So, be very wary if you’re newly separated about new boyfriends/girlfriends kids need time to adjust. Just saying.

  • PS…

    Last summer I signed up for the violence prevention class at my local women’s shelter to handle my chump anger. It is the women’s counterpart to the men’s violence program. It is 52 weeks long. Class participants are mostly court-mandated. I am there by choice to sharpen my tools because the anger related to infidelity is so overwhelming. I learned about the program in 1989 when I was dating someone who was violent. At that time there was no corresponding women’s program. I remember thinking that anyone could benefit from what they teach. Now that they have one for women, I AM THERE!

    I love what Tracy says about “many flavors of fucked up.” There are many flavors of violence. Affairs are emotional/paychological/sexual violence.

    The main thing to remember is that BEHAVIOR IS BASED ON BELIEF SYSTEMS. And the only belief system you can change is YOUR OWN. You can legislate behavior but you can’t change another person’s belief system.

    Cheaters cheat because they have a belief system that justifies it. I am here on a daily basis changing my chump belief system. It’s taken a very long time for me to remember that I have no power over changing the belief system of the XH/Traitor.

    Without Tracy and Chump Nation that would be impossible, so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to you all.

    Only the individual with the -ism can change the
    -ism……

    • Thank you for articulating so clearly why you continue to read CL daily. I do as well, despite being many years out from all the D-Days and having reached meh a lot of Tuesdays ago. Yet I read here every day and have struggled to fully understand why I am still so compelled to do so, despite being happy with my life now — much happier than I ever was with my ex, although I never would have believed that to be possible when I was a puddle on the floor from his serial cheating and lifelong gaslighting. “I am here on a daily basis changing my chump belief system.” It helps me in every single area of my life. That’s why I’m still here. Thank you CL and CN!

    • Wow…this is so well put…I am clipping & saving to add my master list of CN wisdom

      Huge to everyone of all colors & strength to all of us as we ride this out together

  • Cheaters like school awards, just not putting the effort into helping the kids. Homework etc. Nursing kids when sick. Too busy with ow. I’m in England text books for year 12 £170, then a s level book, year 13 same price. Will ex help said he will, we’ll sick.
    Expects me to pay for everything.
    Fuckwit

  • But, wow, she is willing, WILLING mind you, to get pizzas and wings!

    Talk about impression management…

    • I’ve heard a lot of weird little turns of phrase like this in the years since divorce. I have come to the conclusion that they really, in their hearts of hearts, believe that they are the victims. This explains a lot of the “aren’t I a good person because I deign to spend time with you even though you don’t want to” attitude.

  • My Ex-Wife insisted that her and I attended daughter’s graduation together and took her out to dinner afterwards. Daughter and I figured that it wasn’t worth the trouble in saying “no,” and, given that I was due to drive up to her University and help her clean up and move out of her accommodation anyway, went along with it on the proviso that: costs were split 50/50 (damned if I’m paying for Ex-Wife to eat/drink) and; she made her own way there (400 miles or so) and sorted out her own accomodation (I was stopping on daughter’s couch).

    It was f**king horrific. Ex-Wife made the ceremony all about her; insisted on going for an impromptu drink afterwards (she’s an alcoholic) and then got smashed during the dinner. And to top it all, she made damn sure that she wasn’t around to help with sorting out daughter’s flat.

    Daughter has seen very little of her Mum since then, as it merely confirmed to her how well off we are without her now – Ex-Wife does not spark joy in her children.

    • Sounds EXACTLY like my ex wife. I refused to sit with her at our daughters graduation. She, like her mother (my ex MIL) are a couple of narcissistic drama queens. I swear they try to outdo each other with every story or fable they conjure in their tiny simplistic minds. Way after I got together with my ex, I learned her mother actually screwed my exes first husband before their wedding haha. Why I stayed so long in that soap opera is solely based on my exes looks. She was a knockout, but the drama …yuck

    • If you don’t mind me asking how old was daughter when you divorced? My little on is 6 and obviously loves her mom which i only encourage. But man would it be nice for her to see through all the lies and facade. I make a point to sympathize but do not delude to the fact that mom is being selfish when she decides to not do anything with daughter or take her on fancy vacations that her and successful schmoopie go on.

      • Eldest daughter was 18, son was 16 and youngest daughter 11 when they found old and they told me that Mum was cheating (dumbass had her iPhone synched to her iPhone.

        They had no illusions as to their mother’s dark side and have no sympathy with the path that she took; that’s why they all stayed with me.

        It was the eldest daughter that was graduating (she did a 4 year degree), so this was about 3 years after we all found out and about a year after the divorce (which was a sh*tshow) was finalised.

      • I would add that the eldest 2 kids (now 23 and 21) seldom see their mother (their choice, which I have not influenced) and try to avoid anything that involves her AP (who she now cohabits with) if they can, but will be polite if they see him.

        The youngest (now 16) flat refuses to visit her mother’s house and will not attend anything that involves the AP. Again, her choice. To give you an idea, she last spent the night with her mother before Christmas 2019 and has only met up with her for the occasional lunch/shopping trip since then, and nothing since we went into lockdown.

        And yet my Ex-Wife holds me responsible for her having a poor relationship with her children.

        • I want my daughter to have a good relationship but at the same time i know her mom doesn’t love like normal people and her desires will always come before anyone else. Don’t know it all just sucks.

          • MOChump,

            You need to understand that you don’t control your daughter’s relationship with your Ex. What you can do, however, is ensure that you empower your daughter.

            Explain to her (in an age appropriate way) that: she should not feel guilty for wanting her relationship with her mother to work for her too; it is OK for her to set boundaries to protect herself and; that if she needs to talk about her relationship with her mother, then you can arrange for her to speak to a trusted relative or a therapist if they are not comfortable discussing it with you (and do understand that your daughter may feel that complaining to you about her mother’s behaviour is disloyal).

            The really difficult bit is watching them repeatedly hope that your Ex will treat them with respect and love, only to see their hopes shot down in flames; you know what will happen and you know that it will be you that has to pick up the pieces time and time again.

            All you can do is be patient, be supportive and be there when it really matters.

  • The point of this email is to get you to engage. Chump Lady gave you the perfect response: “Thanks. I’ve contacted the school about the extra car pass.”

    Next, have an upfront conversation with your son. Tell him that you’re proud that he finished high school and you want to see him graduate. You’ll be there in the car cheering him on. Tell him you’d like to do something special for his graduation. You know your son better than we do. Suggest something you know he’d like to do, but make sure that this can be an addition to whatever his mom is planning. You don’t want him to have to choose between the two of you.

    With respect to his siblings, they should attend, but they should be taken to the event by whichever of you has custody of the two at that point (unless they are adults, in which case they get to decide for themselves). The same goes for the post-graduation celebration. If the siblings are with you for that date, then you get to have them for the celebration at your place. If they are at their mother’s, then she gets to have them for her post-grad celebration. If you don’t have a parenting plan in place, then that is a next step for you, assuming that your other two children are minors.

    With respect to the girlfriend, if your children haven’t met her yet, now is not the time. I agree with CL; your relationship is too new. At this point, after getting dissed from your STBXW, it’s probably fantastic to be with a woman who actually wants you. You need to feel desired. But you moved out of the marital home about 6 months ago, and unless you’d started dating prior to that, then this is a very new relationship. You do not need to bring another woman into the picture when you’ve not yet finished the divorce process with your Cheater.

    I also suggest that therapy is in order. Many chumps find that after being dissed by their cheating spouses, a relationship is very much needed. It’s good to find that you are, in fact, attractive and desirable. However, you’ve just finished a very long and established relationship with someone who mindfucked you in several ways. You need to unpack all that and it takes time. The reward is that you learn to fix your picker. Sure, you can enjoy dating, but you also will get better at seeing whether or not you should pursue it further.

    Also, while it’s hard to move things along while we’re all operating in a global pandemic, try to light a fire under your attorney. Your STBXW is dragging her heels for a reason. Cheating has consequences and cheaters don’t like consequences. It isn’t fair to you or your children to be in this kind of limbo. It would be nice to think that the two of you could agree to the settlement via mediation, but that doesn’t always work.

    Best of luck!

  • I understand the sh*t sandwich. Don’t ruin the day for your son. You can have proper boundaries and still make it fun for him.

    There is one major mistake you and some people here make. Dating while still married. A few reasons to not do it. 1) you are technically still married 2) not giving yourself time to heal. Not fair to your girlfriend and yourself 3) you gave your wife a lot of ammo. She can say you are a cheater. That your girlfriend is the reason you guys broke up. You have no idea what a person can do with a smear campaign. I didn’t date until after my divorce. Some People think I left my wife for another woman. My XW has told people (including my kids who are convinced I cheated on their mom) that I am a cheater because I TALKED one time with a single woman after being separated for 8 months. 4) fix your picker 5) heal from gaslighting, etc. 6) learn to love yourself first.

    Get ready for family events. 🙄🙄🙄

    • How long do you wait? I get lonely but i know my XW still takes up too much real estate in my mind. Its been almost 2 years since separation and we finalized divorce in January. Sometimes its like i will be alone forever but i can’t even begin to look at another woman without remembering what my ex did to me. Although thru it all i have gotten in badass shape and some cool tattoos to go along with it.

      • I didn’t date when I was separated. I dated an old girlfriend and a life long friend right after my divorce. It helped me heal a lot because they knew me before my XW. They reminded me who I use to be.

        Started dating my wife 6 months after my divorce. We have a great marriage. BUT I brought in a lot of baggage that I didn’t know I had. Has caused some issues.

        I had been seeing a therapist for years because I was dealing with a lot because my XW is a narcissist/BPD. I had the skills to deal with the trauma I was going through. I had a head start on what to do to heal. AND I still struggled at the beginning of our marriage.

        Work on yourself and give yourself time to heal. I healed more dating then alone. But I did learn to enjoy myself being alone.

        One of my friends girlfriend (now wife) told me to not date anyone if you still have feelings for your XW. They had some issues because he still loved his XW when they started dating. I knew I was ready when I saw my XW and I felt nothing except a little sadness.

        • Well i guess I’m not ready then. I refuse to see her but it still gives me butterflies or sends me into a rage when we do have to cross paths. I see a therapist regularly and it has helped somewhat.

          • If it throws you for a loop when you catch an unexpected glimpse of her, then you’re not ready. It took me a good year before I was able to notice her on the other side of the street and simply go about my business without its ruining my afternoon. With time and practice it will come.

            • I, too, agree that one should wait before dating until completely divorced, free and healed. It is unfair to everyone concerned if there are still legal ties/issues and emotional entanglements/baggage.
              Also, if a date talks a lot about his/her ex, that person is not ready to be dating either.

            • Respectfully, I disagree. I still have a difficult time looking at my ex wife and it’s been nearly 3 years. She sickens me. I look at the same way as being disgusted by someone who victimized and assaulted me as a child.
              Dating only helped me…now I’m engaged…being in a healthy, reciprocal relationship only has helped me. But being in the same room as my ex I think will always make my skin crawl.

      • I echo everything here. And loneliness can put pressure on wanting to feel connected, all the more. I dated once all the paperwork was completed but not yet divorced. It was lovely but I wasn’t ready and had to break up with this great gal.

        I don’t really “regret” both dating and not being ready, but man, I wish I was more ready when I met her.

  • Congratulations on your son’s graduation, and also that he has a JOB!

    Absolutely don’t play into her plans. A simple text, “I will contact the high school about the extra car”, is really all you need. If she presses you on the impression management, I mean “after graduation activities with the whole fam damily”, again, a simple, “No, thank you.” is all you need. Then contact your son to figure out a time to take him out to his favorite place for dinner. Talk to him about HIS future, HIS plans. Make him the focus, as these special occasions should be. If he asks why you didn’t come, he is old enough to be blunt with. Just keep it to the facts. Your son can supply whatever adjectives he sees fit.

    And no matter how wonderful your new lady friend is….don’t take her.

  • Tracy’s suggested response to her is perfect: “Thanks, I’ll get the second car pass from the school.”
    Excellent answer–use it and smile!

  • This is a golden opportunity to start making your own special moments, memories, and traditions with your children, independent of your ex. Fill your car with balloons and cupcakes to hand out to him when he walks back from getting his diploma. Get a photo of just you and him next to your car, and another of just you and all your children. Make up a sign congratulating him and put it in your car window. Have your own celebration at your place another day (graduation parties are often not on the actual graduation day!). Tell him you are planning a special day, just you and him, and take him hiking or to a museum (as social distancing allows) or whatever flavor of leisure HE enjoys. You have many years of special family times ahead of you, free of your ex, to make as happy and peaceful as you like. And you can give your child a precious gift that your ex likely never will: the gift of letting their special days be about them, not you.

    • THIS!!! Your son is going to be able to detect that his mom’s focus is on how she looks and feels on that day. Giving him the attention and respect he deserves for his first major life milestone and showing him you genuinely want time with him (not for show) will be something that strengthens your relationship with him as he enters adulthood. So focus on that. Building a relationship with him. Don’t focus on the relationship she is trying to rebuild (again).

  • NC2U,
    OMG, this has been my life. Not the same timing of things, but parallel issues for sure. (and length of marriage, etc..)

    I had HS graduation, college move-in day and various other painful moments. Sometimes we had to sit together (back in the olden days when it was held inside the gym), sometimes I could drive a second car.

    Now my X is the Queen of Quarantine and wants to check in regularly on my social distancing to make sure Im following her rul… I mean CDC’s rules. Its annoying as hell.

    I’m way out (going on 3yrs) and life gets better. I care less about her and her hooks. I’ll reply politely to the pestering but go on and live my life as best I can. Its the prison sentence of mating with a F*-wit. I’m almost done.

    Dont bring the gal-pal. Focus right now on the kids. Get through the events with your head held high. You may have to swallow your pride and share the space with your STBX. But you’ll get through it.

    • To add — Even your D-Day and divorce story is similar to mine!

      So trust me = it gets SO MUCH BETTER…

  • Nothing Chumpares 2 U – first of all… amazing name!
    Second this was so funny… #moreboxwine from UBT…

    “I am willing to get pizza and wings — just not finalize the divorce. What pairs well with obstruction?
    #moreboxwine”

    Nothing Compares 2 U – So smart to submit this. We all get the tug between wanting to be the bigger person for our children and also not compromising or condoning the actions of the X/STBX. It’s a tough line to navigate – especially with teenagers and at special events. I really appreciate more and more those people who don’t chose to act fake and inauthentic just to keep up the impression that divorce is easy and simple and can be a kumbaya relationship. THAT IS NOT REALITY. I really admire those people who had a tough divorce, teen kids (who somewhat understand, but are also still pretty self-absorbed), and come out the other side with kids who understand that life isn’t easy, but they can overcome adversity and in the long run, they’ll understand that one parent was mighty and the other parent was in the wrong. (I sure hope it turns out that way… for all of us).

    Stay mighty and keep to your own car and celebrations!

  • “Bring her! I have veiled hostility and crappy cheap box wine.”

    I know how hard the UBT has worked and that Heidelberg Bakery doesn’t deliver, dammit.

    • Oh my God ! Heidelberg ! Their bread is killer! My day starts with their oat bran toast!

  • I know I shouldn’t feed the trolls, but I’m feeling generous today. So here’s a nugget.
    If the only thing you got out of CL’s post was political, you are a biscuit full of crazy. I had to actually go back to see what on Earth you were even talking about. CL males one side bar mention OF HER OWN EXPERIENCE last night while trying to get home safely and THAT is what you focus on. Seriously?! Are you mentally unstable? Or just a whackadoodle racist.
    Ok, now be a good troll and go back under your bridge.

  • “When would I have time for that?”

    I used to buy that line. Then I realized the supposed 60-80 hours/week at work was actually a cover story for a very lively social life that did not include me. And I was even in the same field and knew many of the same people, so there was a matching cover story about why I never attended dinners and parties with him.

    • I get so angry when I think I actually bought into this lie as well. “Oh the poor guy working so hard to support his family, not even vacations he takes!”.
      Only, he did, just not with us…
      And when he left he blamed me for not being supportive of his trips when all along he was using them to run away from his family and engaging in an affair.
      The verve of these “people”…

      • I think men have a much harder time being alone. Not sure what’s that about but I’ve seen it so many times not to be true. My brother in law got married three months after my sister died, a long term marriage, 30 years. I never spoke to him again. I guess he needed someone to make him sandwiches. His new wife was a lot older than him. I heard thru the grapevine she’s an invalid now and he’s her caretaker. *yawn* I told my brother that perhaps he should have spent more time shopping.

      • This was exactly my life, too. We didn’t go on vacation for 3 years, but he attended numerous conferences for his job and made many work trips to great locales (he also arranged extra side events with great meals and lots of alcohol at beautiful hotels, paid for by the company – just a cheater’s dream). She was a young up-and-coming professional for a city where he provided consulting services (30 year age difference between them), and he was “mentoring” her. The marriage unraveled when I found their emails to each other about the king corner suite for 2 adults they had reserved for a conference in Salt Lake City, and then dug further and found much more.

  • And it’s *really* not something a person who *truly* loves you would ever say.

    I got the same line when I once asked the fuckwit if he would ever cheat on me. Another red flag ignored. Sigh. 🚩

  • Please let me know where to send more cookies to the UBT? It always nails the issues, corrects the cheater-spin, and leaves me waiting for the next UBT post.

  • I won’t get into covid, riots or anything else going on in the world right now except to say that there is enough drama and craziness already.
    Being manipulated into playing happy families in the middle of it all would take that craziness to a new level.
    So just get there in your own car – be polite to everybody – and watch your son walk across that stage. It’s his moment.
    I would give a miss to the pizza party even if there is boxed wine and wings.
    Trust me, it will be anything but simple.
    Your ex gets to bustle around playing hostess – your new partner is on her territory and feeling awkward – her elderly parents are equally awkward – it’s excruciating for your kids – and the whole thing is a minefield.
    Do something else…anything else…be friendly but detached at the graduation and cut any unnecessary interaction with your cheater as it’s never wise.

  • Wow…..a lot of awesome replies and great advice….thanks!

    I will address the situation first…….I will be driving separately and had already previously planned a party for him the day after his televised graduation.

    My girlfriend loves my kids and has been nothing but kind to them. She is excited about our party for him. My children will all be there as well as a lot of my son’s friends.
    I did not know my in-laws were going to be here. The last time I spoke to my mother-in-law, I did not know about my STBXWs affair. My MIL really did not want to talk to me. I told her I loved her (and my father-in-law) and that I had no idea why my wife wanted a divorce….it was like an alien came back from vacation and told me she did not love me.

    Anyway, I have no problem with my son spending time with them. I doubt they know the truth but I am not going to make this time about me….it is my son’s time.
    I have no plans on attending her party (actually the kids are scheduled to be with me…..I think maybe she should have requested input on this party rather than telling me what she plans on doing).

    I have already spoken to my son and he completely understands. I told him I am not going to pretend to be happy to be around his mother nor would I have some charade that everything is ok and what STBX did was “in the past” and ok now. And what the hell was she thinking when she invited my girlfriend? Was she trying to show her parents that I was the bad guy? I doubt her parents know that she cheated on me.

    So that’s that…..I will create my own special life and memories to share with my children.

    My choice to date was well thought out and I did a mountain of work to be prepared. I know it’s not for everyone and I completely understand why people might not want to. I did not want a rebound and I constantly reminded myself of that. And the kids…….yes…HUGE consideration. They were thankfully old enough to understand and they know the truth about their mother. They are very supportive of me.

    I decided life is too short and I refuse to live in fear. I know by dating, I could affect the divorce but I do not care. I am not waiting years while my STBXW stalls the divorce.
    My children and close/honest friends know the truth….that is all that matters to me. They know the choices their mother made and the hell it put me and them thru. She decided to blow up the family for no reason other than self-gratitude.

    I was very well prepared for moving on even though divorce was the last thing I ever wanted and I fought like a champion (before I knew I was a Chumpion).

    Due to all of my positive growth effort, I feel I was very well prepared to handle the divorce my STBXW wanted. I uncovered the ugly truth of her affair and lies. It was about this time when I met my girlfriend.

    I honestly did not expect to find an amazing woman so soon. I had previously many times offered my wife a new start with me. I told her I was going to have an amazing life with or without her…..her loss would be someone else’s gain. Maybe she did not believe me?

    I have radically different expectations now and am as outcome independent as I can be. I do not want my current relationship to end but if it does, I know 100% that I am ok. My partner knows this as I am completely transparent with her. I told her I did not need her, but rather I want her. I know she does not need me either (but wants me). It makes for a much healthier relationship.

    In 1+ years, my STBX has asked how I am doing exactly ZERO times….it’s all about her and her feelings. The only time she seemed to seem interested is when she found out I had a girlfriend….then she magically wanted to meet with me and told me “she still loved me” (1st time I had heard that in 10 months…I think her lust relationship went south but I don’t care). Too late.

    I could probably write on and on about my story. I have a large journal from my “struggle” times in 2016 and 2019. I encourage anyone going thru this shit to journal….it provides an outlet for your energy and thoughts and it gives you a record of the truth and reality…..which is very valuable when the EX wants to blameshift and gaslight….trust me!!!

    Counseling, self-help and most importantly, an AMAZING Coach helped me along my journey.

    Resources:
    Tracy Schorn – Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life
    Wayne Levine – Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. (Men…start here….this will help you define who your are and develop boundaries……I really sucked at this but now I am crystal clear)
    Mark Manson – The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck
    Robert Glover – No More Mr. Nice Guy
    Robert Glover – Dating Essentials for Men
    Steve Horsmon – Straight Talk for The Desperate Husband
    Michael Neill – Supercoach
    Caleb Jones – The Unchained Man (this one is a little out there if you are a 1 woman guy like me…but there is some other good information in here)

    I cannot say that I 100% agreed with everything in every book but I feel I absorbed what was applicable to my morals and values and made great strides in my personal, positive growth.

    Websites I found helpful:
    https://goodguys2greatmen.com/
    https://husbandhelphaven.com/
    https://www.cindycarbone.com/howtostophating/

    And to the women out there (and I know there are a lot of wonderful woman with great morals)…..I know there are both male and female sparkly turds. The pain these monsters cause is immense and unnecessary. It just so-happens that I am a male and went the male route for guidance. I am sure there are many coaches and resources available for women.

    I am not perfect nor will I ever be…..and I am ok with that. I have made mistakes, said stupid things and have reacted poorly to situations at times. I did, however, always love my wife and was 100% faithful to her and was devoted to my family. I am a slid human being and I learned to love myself first and it transcends to other meaningful relationships in my life.

    • Congrat Nothingcompares2U!
      I’ve got a “Buyer Beware” message about some of your reading list. Their personal development for you might have been great, but they promote lies about gender. Lies and drummed-up fights aren’t helping this world right now. Mark Manson & Robert Glover promote a lying view about feminism when they cite Camille Paglia & Christina Hoff Sommers as their sources. A fun way to learn more might be to Google this quote, “What we have here, fellow citizens, is a crassly egocentric, raving twit.” Enough said.

      • I’m glad for Nothingcompares2U’s victory. But the MRA/Red Pill/Manosphere opinions make their way onto a lot of sites on the internet. At least this isn’t a Youtube comment section.

      • Yeah, you gotta be careful. New chumps are pretty vulnerable to new extremist ideologies and you don’t want to end up saying “this is all the fault of the evil manpigs/feminazis/illuminati jew lizards.”

    • “.I think maybe she should have requested input on this party rather than telling me what she plans on doing).”

      This is something you want to address, once you are past the graduation event. “Do not plan events with the kids during my custody time.”

      Other than that, you seem to be in fine shape.

  • Thank you UBT. Nothingcompares2U Own car! Own celebration with son. Similarly x wanted to sit together and took Kid for dinner meal photoshoot. Also triangulate kid into official one portrait should have us all. I declined. Have Kid and me pics on phone from before ceremony .NC with x. Onwards.

    • When each of my children graduated high school I took out a yearbook tribute ad and signed it just from me. I refused to document faux happy family. My ex has harassed and abused me in court for 10 years since the day I kicked him out. Between the two of us, over $100k has been spent on the divorce and his post decree nonsense that Cook County Court laps up.

      There was no “us” during his infidelity. There’s been no “us” after divorce.

  • I don’t even think I’d acknowledge about the extra car — that makes her believe that she has more info on the kids — thus making her the better parent. I think a simple “OK — Sorry you got the impression I’m riding with you” is enough.

    • Or just “OK, see you at the ceremony.” This response will most likely infuriate her because you aren’t giving her any kibbles.

  • Her line about not knowing what will happen between the two of you says what she is thinking. Given that you reproposed in 2016, she assumes you’ll do so again. She thinks you are going to be a happy family again and wants to start so now.

    I know it is flattering to have them circle around us after they throw us away like trash, but it isn’t about us. None of it is/was. This is about her looking like a good mom. Even this email and telling you about the graduation. But she will never be able to rewrite history to be a good mom.

    You KNOW the reality. You can’t let her paint a different picture. Take your own car. Plan a celebration for your son. Act civil but disinterested towards her at the ceremony. Don’t bring your girlfriend for the reasons Chump Lady points out. She wants you to seem like the cheater. Don’t give her that win. And show up with the intent to be there for a big moment for your son.

    Yes, it hurts. This is a child you share with her and a moment you saw playing out differently. But a painful truth is better than a beautiful lie. The life you are creating without her will be better than one you could have had down the road with a user and liar. That has to be something you see as mathematically sound/pure science. Don’t let emails like this get under your skin. That’s what she wants. I hope you and your kids are able to create a happy memory out of this. Make this one of the first of your new version of family.

    • Also, because she is being silent on the divorce front, be cautious and on guard regarding all communication and interactions. This email she sent sounds professionally worded. Don’t respond hastily, because she may be wanting you to to use in the divorce. And don’t bring the girlfriend for the same reasons. Be smart around these snakes.

    • Learned the hardway – “But a painful truth is better than a beautiful lie. The life you are creating without her will be better than one you could have had down the road with a user and liar. That has to be something you see as mathematically sound/pure science. Don’t let emails like this get under your skin. ”
      This is so perfectly said. Yes, see it as mathematically sound/pure science. Truth. Fact. Like it can’t be any other way, and you know it profoundly. She can’t change the reality.

  • Chumps who have children with cheaters have to learn to navigate these social situations. It takes a lot of concentration to sit quietly and pay attention to the child’s event, while these attention whores seek ways to make the event about them, or try to embarrass you. I tried to sit quietly beside my son’s father on school based situations because he always looked for me in the crowd and insisted on sitting with me. Sometimes one or both of us might have a plus one with us, and he would try to engage. I knew he wanted attention, so I resolved to give him as little as possible. The cool resolve I showed in public was for the benefit of my children. There is a big difference between being quiet and polite and being compliant or welcoming.

    I really did not care anything about his plus one’s. There were many over the years, and I always felt they would have to learn the truth the same hard way I did. He was always looking for information, or trying to act like a nice guy. I knew he wasn’t nice, but I never felt social events were the time or place to explain that to anyone. I came from a dysfunctional family, so I had many years of training to keep quiet in social situations. It is hard, but you do want it to be a happy day for your child, so you do what you must do, and you don’t volunteer for anything else. These times will pass, eventually. If you don’t make it fun, your ex may lose interest in playing.

    I think the advice here is the same advice I give to my kids about what is going on in the world and in the U.S. right now. Stay as calm as you can, try not to vent in public. Use your head and try to stay safe. If you see a mad dog foaming at the mouth, you don’t go over to make friends, or try to fix him. You get somewhere safe and call animal control. They are prepared to deal with this situation, you are not. Basically I don’t believe we get the truth about what is going on in most situations — every point of view has its own spin. Some things I see make me very sad and upset, but I don’t know how to fix them. I will do what I can do, and I will vote and hope it will help the situation. If we don’t find some path to peaceful cohabitation we are all doomed. Hope that clearer heads prevail.

    FDR said we must not let fear destroy us. Churchill said we had to fight tyranny where ever we found it. They were more eloquent than I am, but the message still ring true for me. Resolve to do what you can to do the right thing, the thing you believe in. There are many battles and many wars, and we cannot win them all.

  • Her letter is so smug I wanted to gag myself.

    I am so sorry for you, and for your poor kids who have this worthless woman as their mother. She is a control freak at the very least.

    You have already heard the advice on here, which in my opinion has all been very sound. Disengage as much as possible, and create your own celebration. I highly doubt your son was on board the way she is portraying it. We already know she is a total liar.

    My best guess is she is in competition with the girlfriend and wants to size her up. Do not be surprised if she makes a second pass around for wreckonciliation. Trust that they suck.

  • Great advice as always. I don’t have anything to add. Own car! It happens that just yesterday cheater showed disappointment at me not making amends to ride in the same car for daughter’s transition to primary celebration. He called it spoiling her big day. Same load of bull I got about this being a special day and he thought as parents we would be going in the car together for her not to have the focus on being seperated. Well, how does that work, when she’s leaving with him to his apartment while I’m going home with a cab by myself after anyway?! Good reminder about the photos after. I’ll decline citing my allergy and red eyes. The last parent school event involved a performance of Xmas songs. I told cheater, I’m not sitting with him. Sure enough he sends me a text while I’m on my way that he’s keeping a seat for me. So I came in a few minutes late and had to stand next to the other latecomers by the door. During the following coffee afternoon I really felt it my duty to constantly roam through the classroom and tidy up, gather plates and cutlery etc. Nothing better than to keep my ex-husband at a distance than chores and housework going on.

  • I’m actually pretty confused by what is being proposed here. The graduation ceremony seems all fine, just take your own car/taxi/uber/bus whatever. No need to ride together. Then, 2 days later, she’s hosting a viewing party to re-watch an event that you’ve already attended in person. Huh? If she’s doing that for her extended family that weren’t able to attend, fine, but I have no idea what that has to do with you or why you would attend? You can have your own party for your own extended family to celebrate your son’s grad if you want.

  • I went no contact 4 months after stbx left. Our kids were 19, 17 and 14. I haven’t seen or communicated with him in 10 months so I would have ignored this. I tried being civil with him for the kids but he’d play these power games of texting me about stupid stuff, ignoring me, it was like he got off on hurting me so I cut his ass off. I KNOW he hates it because I know more about the kids that he does. Oh well should have been nice to me.

  • I know I’m late to the party here, but I’ve not noticed anyone mention my takeaway from this – that you’re being set up to be turned away from the ceremony…
    5 tickets, she says… her, 2 siblings, and her parents are coming down – that makes 5, WITHOUT you!
    Please, make sure your child gives you your ticket separately, or other necessary precautions so she can’t keep you out and then claim that you didn’t care enough or some other BS!

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