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A Declaration of Independence for Chumps

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freedomOverthrowing tyrants? Boldly striking out to chart a new life? Chumps have Independence Day down. Today I’m rerunning this proclamation by CN member KibblesNBits. Please add your amendments and revolutionary fervor in the comments. 

Have a happy holiday everyone and VIVA la independence!  

Dear Chump Lady,

In honor of what will be yet another difficult holiday for some. I have re-written the Declaration of Independence for Chumps everywhere. Thank you for all you do! Happy Independence Day!

Our Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the bonds which have connected them with a cheating partner, and to assume the powers of freedom, to which the Laws of Values and character entitle them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all who have been cheated on are created equal, that they are endowed with unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness — That whenever any Form of relationship becomes destructive, it is the Right of the chumped to alter or to abolish their relationship, and to lay a foundation as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. It is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such an abusive partnership, and to provide a new life for themselves and their children’s future security.  — Such has been the patient sufferance of the chumpted. To prove this, let Facts of a cheater be submitted to a candid world.

  • They have broken the bounds of marriage and commitment.
  • They have blame shifted and gas-lighted their partner info believing it is all their fault. Thereby inflicting emotional abuse.
  • They have recklessly spent monies secured for your family and children.
  • They have called together family and friends for the sole purpose of feeding them a false narrative and moving them into compliance.
  • They made their partner/spouse vulnerable to disease and sickness.
  • They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by lying under oath, and spreading false witness against their partners and circumventing the law.
  • They have made partner/spouse dependent on their will alone, taking advantage of their empathy and using it to fuel their relentless desire for cake.
  • They have created false records, email accounts, craigslist profiles to troll for hook-ups and have enlisted their allies to cover their tracks.
  • They have kept among us, in times of peace, enough tokens of affection to keep us in our place, and in a state of confusion.
  • They have frozen our assets and cut us off from our family through alienation.
  • They turn our children against us for the purpose of feeding their own ego.
  • They declare themselves falsely sorry and falsely invested our relationships only to continue to cheat.
  • They have plundered our lives, ravaged our self-esteem, burnt our love to ashes, and destroyed families for the sole purpose of self-gratification.
  • Our repeated pleas to change have been answered only by repeated injury.

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, and their actions in contempt and adjudicate responsibility upon them.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of Chumps, solemnly publish and declare, That we have the Right to be Free and Independent; and have full Power to stand up in courts, demand child support, counter their false narrative, and to do all other Acts and Things which bring peace and stability to our hearts, minds and families. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to support each other and provide council to those who have been newly chumped. To light the way toward the land of Meh.

Signed,

KibblesNBits

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • A place holder to tide us over until UX is back online.

        Battle Hymn of the Chumpublic

        Thine eyes have seen the glory of the upcoming divorce
        Which will cut the final ties between the narc and you perforce
        You have downloaded co-parenting-ware from your phone’s app store
        The chumps will rise again!

        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah!
        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! The chumps will rise again!

        He has watched ten thousand porn performers on the internet
        Never mind a third were dead for years before he streamed content
        His utter lack of empathy is staggering and bent
        The chumps will rise again!

        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah!
        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! The chumps will rise again!

        After potentially exposing you to countless STDs
        She had the nerve to tell you that you did not meet her needs
        Never mind the kids are reeling and in long term therapy
        The chumps will rise again!

        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah!
        Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! The chumps will rise again!

          • Thanks, RoseThorns. I thought I was the first to bastardize hallelujah but alas I was not lol.

        • >Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah!
          >Glory, glory fuck-you-lujah! The chumps will rise again!
          LMAO! CL and you made my holiday. Thanks!!

        • Genius!

          “Thine eyes have seen the glory of the upcoming divorce…”

          “He has watched ten thousand porn performers on the internet
          Never mind a third were dead for years before he streamed content”

          Thank you so much for this “battle hymn”

        • Ha! This is fantastic! I will be humming this the rest of the day! Triple points for rhyming the word “perforce”!

        • Haha! Absolutely brilliant. I live overseas but in mourning because this was the day, 26 years ago I met and fell in love with ass hat. From that very day he told me how amazing I was and that he promised to be with me forever. Every year we talked and joked about the obvious “I saw fireworks when I met you” cliches. Little did I know that was probably just love bombing. He fucked around on me for at least half of our 26 years together. Chumps-I salute you for surviving this shit.

          • Formerly Known As…

            He didn’t deserve you and you didn’t deserve it. “It” being him. There’s nothing more neutered or inhuman than a backstabber.

    • No sign of UX yet, so you get me. 🙂

      Ohhhh day can you see?
      I’m a C-H-U-M-P!
      I now trust, that he suuuucked,
      From the start this marriage was f*cked.

      This abuse has left scars, though I will find my might.
      And the App that I watched, found that my suspicions were right.

      I’ve learned life isn’t fair!
      He shaved off his ball hair!
      I now sleep though the night, since that piece of shit’s not there.

      My attorney’s fee, may take away what I have saaaaved,
      Freedom may not be freeeee…..but I’m no longer his slaaaave!

  • “ They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by lying under oath, and spreading false witness against their partners and circumventing the law.”
    Not sure if this 👆 covers it …but they took away our right to informed consent.
    And continued to have sexual relations with us – exposing us to disease…and taking away our right to say no because of the fraud.
    Lack of informed consent is abuse. Plain and simple. I wish there was a law that actually pertained to this.

    • Amen RollerSakter, Chumps got chumped again by no fault divorce. Nobody else signs a contract then breaks it and walks away 50/50 this is robbery! We plainly state the rules in the marriage contract yet somehow they seem to not matter when they should matter the most. We need to change this Chumps!

  • “In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury.” Wow, that really resonates: earlier this month, STBX started dating someone on the sly, opening up our Covid contact group without consulting with me or my elderly parents, after I had asked her not to date until our divorce is finalized. (I had moved out only 2.5 months earlier, and I believe STBX was in contact with the new GF already by then.) It definitely felt like “repeated injury,” esp. because of the viral risk. So, to borrow more language from the Declaration, I’m REALLY looking forward to the day that “all connection between us … is and ought to be totally dissolved.”

    Imagine if the nascent United States had to co-parent with Britain for the first decade or more of its independence! Still, it will be sweet to have the autonomy “to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.”

    • Doing this knowingly while risking your elderly parents health and life. Wow. Glad you will soon be FREE!

      • They did this same thing during the marriage (std’s exposure vs also covid). We shouldn’t be surprised they would do the same thing during divorce. Selfish entitlement doesn’t change for cheaters even during a pandemic. It’s not like they’re going to suddenly change their character because they might hurt someone of they don’t. Those kind of thoughts don’t register with cheaters.

        • Yep! In fact, our separation meant that STBX thought that she was even more entitled to do whatever she wanted without open communication! The Covid thing really got me, though, because she knows that I’m high-risk and so are my parents. She started seeing new GF in person when our state’s public-health mandates shifted in early June – as if she has a responsibility to the letter of the law, but not to actual people in her contact group! Fortunately, the karma bus has already arrived, and apparently that relationship is already over. Ha.

          My main takeaway is that I trust even more that she sucks. At least her ongoing fuckwittery lit a fire under me to finalize the divorce ASAP (= Declare Independence), even though I will still be exposed to her viral risk for some time because of 50/50 child custody. Add it to the list of ALL the ways I’ve had to adult even harder to compensate for her emotional adolescence!

          All best to you, Wonder and Rose.

          • Lez Chump,

            Since you don’t have a magic control panel to prevent covidiots from being covidiots, please be comforted by the knowledge that the resveratrol in Malbec wine is a potent antiviral and that, with cooking, only the alcohol evaporates. Seriously, look it up on PubMed. Resveratrol doesn’t lose its potency from heat so kids can have coq au vin or bourguignon and get a nice immune boost.

  • Independent and free of the crushing fear and anxiety.
    Independent and free to do what I want without having to answer to anyone.
    Independent financially.
    Independent to live the rest of my life looking forward not back.
    My divorce was finalized 12 day ago, after three and a half years, at the age of 64. It was brutal. I am wishing independence for all chumps.
    Stand up and fight. It is possible.

    • Hey Finding! I was divorced at the age of 63 after 42 years of marriage. Botox and an eyelift were my rewards. Best therapy ever.

      My one year anniversary is July 5th. Life gets better. I had to force myself to get out and do things, now I have a full social life. Happiness is the key to Meh.

    • Findingmyway – I was 64 also when my divorce was final and also have never looked back. I am 67 now and am married to a wonderful man. Your life is abundant now and will get even better. No more fear and anxiety!

    • @Kfindingmyway You are so mighty. Sending many good wishes for brighter days and much happiness ahead.

    • My divorce also was final when I was 64. 36 years married. 32 at disclosure. It’s been 18 months since the divorce, and despite six months away from home caring for my aging mother and then the pandemic, life keeps getting better and better!

      Independence is wonderful. And freedom is even better.

      • Thank you all mighty chumps.
        When I first heard the term gray divorce, I was pissed , I’m not gray.
        I feel 20 years younger, my head is clear, and I’m walking on air.
        Blessed relief.

    • Kfindingmyway, I was 63, just a couple months away from turning 64 when my divorce was final.

      It sucks to be chumped at any age, but it’s extra hard to head into our golden years without a partner.

      However, independence is FAR better than being stuck with a lying cheating asshole!

      💥 🧨 💫

      • Thank you for giving me hope Hopium, Finding, Adelante, COFox and Discarded. I’m 60, 38 years married/ chumped and hoping to file by my 61st birthday in Sept. A gift to myself.

    • Congratulations!
      I am 4 years from divorce today, SOO amazing 63 rd year of my life!
      Let freedom ring to you all, keep moving forward 🇺🇸
      Xoxo
      Letitsnow

  • Spreading false wittnesses against their partner. My ex told his patents that I was stealing money from him. They let him stash tens of thousands of dollars in their safe. He told Skankella that I never cleaned, could not keep a job. That I stole his money and did not pay the bills. He told her that I was crazy and screamed at him and hit him. He failed to tell her he was the verbally abusive one.
    They took away my right to defend myself against lies. They took away my rights to have a say in my security and safety. I was made the villian while they made a fool out of me behind my back.

    • Similar happened to me CuzChump. How long ago were you chumped? (Womdering if there is any correlation between this & it taking somenof us many more years to recover.)

    • Cuz, I got a tongue lashing from CUNT Nancy because he supported me, whatever the fuck! That’s what he told her. What she does not know is that he wanted me to support him while he stashed his money away in a safety deposit box. He cries broke and uses her to pay the bills. She was unaware that I was the one who filed. He considers himself single. The bus arrived.

      Independence is living better.

  • Oh, I also have to say: the musical “Hamilton” is available to view starting today on Disney Plus. While historians can quibble about its accuracy, it’s really an amazing re-imagining of U.S. national origins with mostly Black and Latinx actors.

    And in it, King George’s response to the Declaration is remarkable: “You’ll Be Back” is a 60’s British Invasion-style song that imagines the relationship between the King and the Colonies as a romantic one. It’s tongue-in-cheek, but also a chilling reflection of the cycle of abuse, as when the King threatens “I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love.” So the events of the musical definitely resonate as Gaining a Life after an abusive relationship!

    I will just note that there may be some triggers for chumps in watching Hamilton, because Alexander Hamilton was in fact a cheater. His wife Eliza sings a powerful song called “Burn” about her experience of chumpdom after her husband makes one of his affairs public (for political reasons, though it destroyed his prospects to become president). My daughters love that song – I can see why: it’s an emotive female solo – and in the months after D-Day #2 in 2018, I had to ask them to limit their playing the song to just once a day, and I’d often leave the room when it was playing. (They didn’t know what was going on in my marriage at that point.) So while the cheating subplot in Hamilton is painful for a chump – Alexander himself is portrayed as a sort of boy-man, which makes sense – I would still recommend it overall!

    With so few public displays of fireworks etc. due to Covid, I’m glad that at least we can stream Hamilton to mark the holiday this year.

    • I haven’t seen Hamilton yet. I hope to see it tonight. I just previewed Burn on you tube. Powerful, and accurate. I love the description of yearning to believe, and the devastation of realizing the image and the message were false. It is a hard lesson to learn.

      I would just like to add to the Independence Declaration that we need to respect the rights of all people, chumped, or not, to form their beliefs and boundaries. People should be allowed to live their lives and make their choices without others telling them what they can or cannot believe. Consequences for their choices will teach them to adapt and change their boundaries. Mistakes will be made, it is inevitable.

      It disturbs me that in 2020 we are still judging each other for our choice of religion, our political beliefs, our rights to work and earn a living based not on our skills, but on our gender or sexual orientation. I think it is invasive to tell another person they cannot be who they believe they are, love who they believe they love, control the health care decisions they believe they need, decide what they will do with their own bodies. People should be free to determine their own boundaries, and we do not have the right to judge their decisions. We do have the right to disagree and disengage. They do not have the right to impose on us, either. I also believe we spend too much time worrying about what other people are doing. It really is not our business. We should worry about what we are doing, the decisions we are making, the effect our decisions have on the lives of others.

      Sure, there are folks out there who decide they are better than we are, and seek to control our lives, and we have to defend our boundaries. With regard to politics, that is why it is important to vote. Our vote may not result in a majority decision, but our vote is our voice. We have the right to be heard. Maybe, just maybe, our voice will touch someone’s thought, someone’s heart, and change will come.

      Celebrating Independence Day is not saying our history is perfect, or our past leaders are without fault. The celebration is for the struggle, for the freedoms we have acquired, for the hope of a better future. We have the capacity to be better, kinder people. We need to seek our own independence, because if we can take care our our own needs and learn to love ourselves, we will develop the capacity to be kind to others, and able to love them, We should not seek love because we NEED. We should seek love because we want to SHARE.

    • Lez,
      While I would LOVE to believe that Hamilton’s public disclosure of infidelity led to the demise of his presidential aspirations, he could not ever constitutionally become president because he was not born in the US. He was born in the British West Indies on the island of Nevis. I look forward to seeing Hamilton tonight on Disney Plus as well. Happy Independence Day.

      • PennStateGirl,
        I see what you’re saying, but my understanding is that historians see that argument as a fallacy. Hamilton was in fact eligible to become president, because he became a citizen of the US at the time of its founding – nobody of that generation had been born in a country that didn’t yet exist. Martin Van Buren was the first president who satisfied the natural-born citizen clause.

  • They have abdicated any responsibility for their actions by declaring us equally at fault and waging War against us.

  • ” but they took away our right to informed consent.
    And continued to have sexual relations with us – exposing us to disease…and taking away our right to say no because of the fraud.”

    I am one of the many unlucky ones here that now has Herpes. I didn’t have it when I married. But thanks to my pos ex. Now I do. He had 32 years of cheating, so who knows which ” She’s just a co-worker” gave it to him. Happy 4th fellow chumps !!

  • Here here! I served my cheating ex with divorce papers a year ago today. Independence Day will always have extra special meaning to me. Cheers to freedom!

  • I love this. My cheater stbx wife wasn’t probably the worse, she doesn’t check all the cases. Still, the pain and the betrayal! When I hear some of the stories on this site and the CL subreddit, it’s simply horrifying. Chumps are truly mighty to survive their cheaters, and deserve a declaration without a doubt!!!

  • 4th of July would have been my 10th anniversary with Voldemort.

    Um… yeah. Don’t even care anymore, and if you hadn’t run this article, I might not have remembered.

    Glad I now live in the United States of Meh.

  • The right to protect oneself from harm by bearing arms against the enemy. This chump needs protection.

  • “ it is [my] duty, to throw off such an abusive partnership, and to provide a new life for [myself] and [my] children’s future security.. . . “.

    I did so! March 13, 2017 was my Independence Day (divorce finalized and QCD signed over per decree). Thank God for Tracy and Chump Nation! It’s a debt of gratitude I can never repay!

    Life is so wonderful today— literally cannot believe I wanted to stay with XH after Dday. I was so terrified. For those in the early days— hang on and fight to get free! Your life afterwards will be beyond your wildest dreams. Peace of mind is invaluable. Freedom from abuse is precious beyond measure.

  • My first son got married on 3 July 3 years ago and my second son got married on 4 July last year in a beautiful chateau here in my village. Ex came over for both weddings. I was watching him at the last wedding and I remember thinking “thank God I’m no longer married to that” – and that was my independence day!

  • Every Independence Day I remember the great Martina McBride song of the same name. It’s an awesome tribute song for chumps too! I wish I was techno savvy enough to know how to post a link to a YouTube song/video here.

    • I just looked it up. Wow, it’s powerful, but dramatic – I hope we chumps can just get away safely and find our meh without having to light anything up!

    • Btw, Im not condoning setting fires, lol. I don’t view that song as literally setting the house an abuser is in on fire. More like, finding a way to break free and away from abuse. Finding a way to create your own Independence Day away from the abuse (which cheating is).

      • A newer version of a similar song might be Miranda Lambert’s song Kerosene. Idk, I don’t usually take these types of songs literally. It’s more like a fantasy type thing. To me, they’re about finding strength, standing up for yourself, & not taking anymore shit! (I always liked how Miranda’a songs seemed to give asshole guys hell. Unfortunately, I think she may have ended up to be just as much of a cheater.)

    • If you have time, look up the lady who wrote that song, Gretchen Peters. I watched a program where she appeared with Martina, and another songwriter appeared with Sara Evans, and the songwriters sang their own songs. It was great. There are people with special voices who love to sing, and I know personally that they are grateful to those who write their songs. Sometimes the writers have a pretty special voice, too. This lady is one of those writers.

      Sometimes writers cross over to become star performers. Look at Kris Kristofferson and Don Williams, and Dolly Parton and . . . . on and on. But even if they don’t become performing stars, there are some performances you should not miss.

      You’re welcome.

  • On 28 May 2017 I (and my children) achieved independence from a woman who (a) felt entitled to make unilateral decisions that impacted upon our children and I and (b) did so in belief that she could criticise the children and I for how we dealt with the consequences of her decisions.

    She now has to own her own sh*t and she hates it.

  • I couldn’t wait. I watched Hamilton this afternoon. It was great!!!!!

    I know musicals and theater are not necessarily loved by others the way I love them. They excite me. Music is my mental/spiritual language. I learned a long time ago if you want an audience to appreciate a play, let them see it performed. Some people cannot see it come to life by reading it. Just like I cannot see the third dimension in my head for geometry, even though I know it is there. I believe History is the same way. I love Historical performance that brings characters to life as the living, breathing, often terribly human beings (with terrible faults) that they really are. I hate the sanitized, censored, one sided history I was taught in elementary school. Those children might be too young for the entire story, but they should know historic figures were human. My mother complains I won’t let her believe in hero’s. I argue a hero is a human and most have at least one fatal flaw. We cannot make them super human or godlike in all ways, just because they achieved something at some time and place. I believe it is often the time and place that brings the man or woman the chance to step forward and become less ordinary than they might otherwise be.

    We may not be able to get out and safely social distance for this holiday, but we can enjoy a performance, an/or songs to celebrate. Happy 4th Chump Nation!

  • What about the ex wife who leads a double life for half of a 25 year marriage. Had 7+ partners, engaged in orgys and when discovered, gets to take 3/4’s of our acquired wealth that I spent years working extra to earn!!

    • Ughh. So sorry. I always feel extra hurt for the chumps who have to pay $ on top of the betrayal! Makes me SO mad. I wish the legal system still recognized adultery as a reason to protect bread winning chumps.

  • Brilliant writing – The Declaration of Independence for Chump Nation
    Another Pulitzer Prize winner.
    My idiot doctor husband of 26 years secretly banged 20 plus prostitutes and reviewed them on the Erotic Review like they were a restaurant!
    He even said one prostitute “was beautiful and has a great new discount price”
    So he effectively said she’s a great, cheap whore!!!
    He saw me reading “Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life” on my I-Pad along with the 6 extra paperback copies I bought for gifts and it drove him nuts so he bought the book himself and read it!!
    He’s such an ego crazed narcissist – he had the gall to tell me he’s going to prove to me there are unicorns.
    Yes, the closest he comes to ever being a unicorn is being a jackass. How did I allow myself to be so fooled….. the man I married either never existed or became a monster.

    • Jo,
      Um, why are you even allowing him into your attempt at recovery by letting him see you reading LACGAL and letting him know you bought extra copies? That’s kind of still participating in the pick me dance. Him reading the book & saying he will prove to you he a unicorn is a sick game. Why are you still allowing him to.play that twisted shit? You need to go NO CONTACT ASAP! You deserve a true Imdependance Day from that fuckwit!

      • Thank you for your reply – I don’t let him do or not do anything. He is dead to me – I reached “meh” with bells on. When he saw the books I was tying bows on for gifts he turned as white as his big time Beverly Hills doctors lab coat. I had him move out to a hotel and he saw them while he was packing. He thought he was so smart writing his reviews on-line for his whores on The Erotic Review for decades until I printed them all out and reminded him the internet doesn’t have a delete key. These idiots forget they are committing a misdemeanor crime and confessing to it on line! Idiots and whores all belong together. I told him to go lay with his whores- shame there’s no plug in those driveways for his big fancy Tesla. I refuse to let this man destroy my kind heart. I refuse him to turn me into a bitter person. Good, kind, hardworking women like we Chumps are targets for heat seeking missile monsters like this. I’m in “meh” land with the houses in my name and doing the best I can to protect myself financially – I made the huge huge mistake of using most of my savings on Eldercare- thinking we had our joint accounts – mistake – he was draining our joint account for his whores. I trusted the Creepy Guy. In law school the professors always shouted at us “Don’t get mad people, get smart!!!” I’m a Chump student 🙂

    • I too ask myself that question, what happened to the man I lived and adored, what caused him to become a self obsessed narcissistic cheating low life? No wonder I felt invisible over the last decade!! It was all about him, I was just an accessory along with the big house, the big car, the Big Harley, I was the pretty wife accessory- and mainly funded by me!! Now he’s gone, caught cheating (had also lied to his girlfriend said he was a divorcee!), on his own, broke, no friends, kids all keeping a polite distance, but he has his booze and now he’s out of control spiralling down in a pit of self pity!! His dreams of women, sex and fun are all looking very unlikely. This man child who played at “working” has found his business in free fall! I don’t take any pleasure listening to him sobbing down the phone, but I do know that he’s a “silk tongued snake” , a description provided by my 17 year old ( he started hitting him when he was 14, generally when drunk) So I’m signing George Michael’s “FREEDOM” from the top of my voice!

      • I really like your comment “he is dead to me”, I feel that way too, the person I loved is dead, a nasty manipulative man is in his former body and is trying to extract every penny he can from me. He tries a charm assault, says he loves me, I’m his only friend etc etc – all chocked up- then in the same moment calls me a f..Ing bitch as I won’t agree to 50/50 split of assets (all 3 teenage kids Want to live with me). The usual fake charm offensive just isn’t going to work. I’m determined to get what I deserve for my kids. I’m not giving in no matter what nasty tactics he deploys! I’ve also got the financial means to fight hard and he doesn’t! The day I found out about his affair, I looked at him and said, genuinely puzzled “who ARE you”!

        I do feel stupid that I didn’t see the very many big red flags. I thought I was perceptive, but I guess I just expected the same standards of behaviour from my husband of 25 years! How stupid of me.

        I keep hearing George Michael “FREEDOM”

      • I really like your comment “he is dead to me”, I feel that way too, the person I loved is dead, a nasty manipulative man is in his former body and is trying to extract every penny he can from me. He tries a charm assault, says he loves me, I’m his only friend etc etc – all chocked up- then in the same moment calls me a f..Ing bitch as I won’t agree to 50/50 split of assets (all 3 teenage kids Want to live with me). The usual fake charm offensive just isn’t going to work. I’m determined to get what I deserve for my kids. I’m not giving in no matter what nasty tactics he deploys! I’ve also got the financial means to fight hard and he doesn’t! The day I found out about his affair, I looked at him and said, genuinely puzzled “who ARE you”!

        I do feel stupid that I didn’t see the very many big red flags. I thought I was perceptive, but I guess I just expected the same standards of behaviour from my husband 25 years!! Stupid or what!

  • Fellow chumps, any advice regarding this tidbit:

    “They turn our children against us for the purpose of feeding their own ego.”?

    This is 100 percent what is happening to my children. My ex relies on the kids for his narc supply. I’m not exactly how to play this part.

    • If you share custody there’s not much you can do unless you have therapists that are willing to help you and call it what it is. ABUSE. I am rowing the same boat. A good book for you to read is
      Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine

      Try your best to be the sane parent. It’s very hard words to live by. I’m sorry. I’m struggling to be the sane parent too.

  • To Chump Lady and CN. I made the call today to serve my ex for child custody. I have been on my own with my toddler since this coronavirus crisis started, my family is thousands of miles away, I am working from home AND studying on top. Without going into details, this is an international child custody case, so I can’t even talk to friends about it. I am feeling so tired, terrified and alone tonight. I don’t know if I am strong, smart or brave enough for what lies ahead. The only thing I have is an inner compass pointing me in the direction I have taken today, but other than that there is darkness all around. Please send some good vibes my way, prayers, advice, whatever you believe works. I’m just so scared.

    • (((((Queen))))
      You are very strong & Mighty,
      You don’t feel it, but read your post. There is so much strength in your words and your actions.
      I don’t have advice, ( other experienced Chumps will), but I want to send you big virtual hugs and wishes for success in this difficult journey.
      I understand the pain in fighting for what is best for your Child, your everything.
      You are the present sane loving parent.
      Be strong.
      CN believes in you!

      I am so sorry for all you are going through.

    • Thank for you the support. I feel better today. I realized today that I will have to sacrifice in the interim for a better future for my child and I, and that includes feeling and working through paralyzing fear.

  • Queen,
    I agree with peacekeeper that your letter shows how strong you are. I know the pain of putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing where the strength is going to come from. But we do it. We do it because we have to.
    Have you ever climbed a mountain trail? I was hiking in the Colorado Rockies once, slowly. The air was getting thinner, my leg muscles were burning, the top was not in sight.
    I’ll never forget- At one point it occurred to me to look behind me. I was astonished at how much of the trail I had hiked already. I had no idea I was that far along and that high. It gave me an extra boost to see how far I had come. Eventually I made it to the top. The view was gorgeous and the hike well worth it.

  • Omg you guys. The only reason I was strong enough to imagine this anthem was because of all of you, and Chumplady. I still draw on the conversations I had at this pivotal time and I am not sure where I would be without this site or you all. This support system and path out of the fog was/is so important to me. Trying to continue to stay strong and navigate the path of fuckupness that is ever present in co-parenting with a Narcissist. Although it has been years, this still catches my heart in a vise and gives me strength. All the love.

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