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UBT: “True Love Is Never a Scandal”

Dearest Chump Lady,

In July, 2018, my musician husband of 16 years finally confessed to a year-long-plus affair (we know it is likely longer) with a longtime “super fan” of his band. She went to every gig over nearly 10 years, during which time I typically did not, as I was most often either child rearing, bread winning, adulting or exhausted from all three duties.

Oh yea, she’s a clinical psychologist and also babysat our children a few times way back when. It’s like a Lifetime movie!

There was no overt pick me dance. Our marriage was toxic and lumbering along (and I should have put a bullet in it a long time prior to that, but I was high on hopium) and I ended the marriage right there and then. Upon confession, I asked him to move out, which he did 4 days later and right in with her, where he lives 5 minutes down the road to this day and where my children go to stay every other weekend (joy).

We are now divorced, co-parenting very well, and the kids (two teens) and I are adjusting pretty well, and life is moving on (after thousands of my tears, rage, needing to go on FMLA initially to deal with the trauma, and many therapist bills for the kids and me).

However, I’m still grappling with the immense pain of his betrayal and the fact that the two of them live down the street from me and parade their “true love” around town and on social media. They are now planning marriage. He’s 49 and she’s 36. So painful! I’ve blocked them on all social media accounts, but I still can see some posts because he is a regionally known musician and we have overlapping friend groups.<

A shared acquaintance sent me this beauty of a post from the affair partner that she posted  on Facebook on Valentine’s Day 6 months after my marriage ended. Recently, I thought that this post was tailor made for a run through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

I would be forever indebted if you could run this through your phenomenal UBT. Think of it as quarantine entertainment for the masses! 😉


Former Groupie


Most people who know & love me know that I am quiet to a point- until I have a story I am bursting to share on a topic I am passionate about. Most people who know and love me have also watched me this past year embrace a man I am most passionate about, ever so quietly, because he came to me in transition that required sensitivity and protection.

Similarly, the people who know and love him the most celebrated and rallied around this love they saw bringing him back to his “old Tommy” self. Our family and true-blue friends, perhaps knowing our stubborn love for each other was setting sail whether they were on board or not, wrapped us up in all the love and support we could need. (We love you!)Though some people became strangers to us, we recognize that there are many ways to tell love stories, and not everyone is privy to personal history and there are inaccuracies too many to correct. We walk on & know that though boundless love can cause discomfort, TRUE LOVE is never a scandal (Tom says) & hope that EVERYONE gets to experience even a fraction of the love we feel for one another.

I will say this – We were just two friends with great admiration for each other. Adoration for the treasure we know the other to be. Sure, a desire to help undo the sorrows & strengthen each other’s will & want for a life and love we are worth. It was right under our noses for far too long.

I hope that we all get that. As much we can for as long as we can. As soon as we can.

LOVE: My wish and hope that we all have the courage to express it, the patience to listen for it, the vulnerability to feel it, and every opportunity to celebrate it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, my truest love


Dear Former Groupie,

Wow, that does make a person want to hurl a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Look, once the OW gets over the sugar high, she’s stuck being his new bread-winning, wife appliance chump. All the responsibility, none of the sparkles. That will go to the new groupie de jour.

I should also probably scold you for those “overlapping” friend circles. Anyone who sends you OW blather is not helping with the healing process, although it does make for some good UBT fodder. So… thanks. But no more Schmoopie watch, okay?

Most people who know & love me know that I am quiet to a point — until I have a story I am bursting to share on a topic I am passionate about.

Me, I’m passionate about me as a topic. I’m quiet up to the point, we can discuss me.

Most people who know and love me have also watched me this past year embrace a man I am most passionate about, ever so quietly, because he came to me in transition that required sensitivity and protection.

I’ve been fucking around with a married man for years. Thank you for your sensitivity in not judging my abhorrent behavior and protecting my image. #2knowmeis2luvme

Similarly, the people who know and love him the most celebrated and rallied around this love they saw bringing him back to his “old Tommy” self.

He was under a cruel marital enchantment. His wife and children don’t really know him, but all you rubbernecking enablers do.

My magic vagina broke the spell and brought Tommy back to his old self. Ala-ka-ZAM! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my pussy. I also do bar mitzvahs, children’s parties and zombie resurrections.

Our family and true-blue friends, perhaps knowing our stubborn love for each other was setting sail whether they were on board or not,

Slut shame me at your peril, this crazy has set sail.

wrapped us up in all the love and support we could need. (We love you!)

I may fuck your husband next. Thanks for the support!

Though some people became strangers to us,

How could you shun PASSION?

we recognize that there are many ways to tell love stories, and not everyone is privy to personal history and there are inaccuracies too many to correct.

This just looks like I was fucking a married man for years and helped break up a family. Your ability to do math and read a calendar is an inaccuracy I am too fabulous to correct.

There are many ways to tell love stories. Pedophilia, necrophilia… not everyone is privy to personal history.

We walk on & know that though boundless love can cause discomfort,

And genital itching. What is that strange pustule?

TRUE LOVE is never a scandal (Tom says) & hope that EVERYONE gets to experience even a fraction of the love we feel for one another.

Our love is greater than any of you little people. I hope some day you can be one scintilla of a crumb as a splendid as I am. Doubtful, but do try to imagine a love as great as Tom has for me. His bill-paying, toilet-scrubbing, sure-I’ll-babysit-your-children muse.

I will say this – We were just two friends with great admiration for each other.

Some call it clandestine fucking. I call it admiration.

Adoration for the treasure we know the other to be.

I will say this — Flapjack Bonaparte twirls flaming bisons.

(I’m sorry. The Universal Bullshit Translator appears to have malfunctioned. Its gears are stuck together with treacle. Let’s pause a moment while I degrease…)

Sure, a desire to help undo the sorrows & strengthen each other’s will & want for a life and love we are worth. It was right under our noses for far too long.

I’m not a home wrecker, I’m an undoer of sorrows. And pant zippers.

I hope that we all get that. As much we can for as long as we can. As soon as we can.

May you all have a secret love that fucks in a pop-up camper between gigs in Asscrack, Illinois.

LOVE: My wish and hope that we all have the courage to express it, the patience to listen for it, the vulnerability to feel it, and every opportunity to celebrate it.

Be vulnerable! Let Tom have your check book! Float him that loan! Let him sleep on your sofa and eat your last piece of fried chicken! Celebrate Tom! Old Tom, New Tom, and the Tom that needs $500 just until his next gig in Asscrack. Be patient while you listen for him to answer his cell phone. Reception is poor in Asscrack. Be brave.

Happy Valentine’s Day, my truest love

I’m sure you’ll answer. Your truest love will wait.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Guys, I know the fonts are weird, but I cannot fix them presently as I’m having some WordPress issues.

      • Yeah, who cares about fonts when we are doubled in laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Listen, CL, the UBT must run for the IgNobel Prize in Literature! Someone at CN must nominate it for next year’s prize.

    • The words in any font are perfection: “My magic vagina broke the spell and brought Tommy back to his old self. Ala-ka-ZAM! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my pussy. I also do bar mitzvahs, children’s parties and zombie resurrections.”

      I’m dead. Thank you UBT

    • Guess even WordPress can’t handle this level of bs. Needs cookies and a hot bubble bath stat.

      @FormerGroupie please realize that the louder the OW shouts her twu luv on social media the more their relationship is tanking behind the scenes. This bimbo is pick me dancing hardcore and very very desperately. I hope you can see that and laugh a little at her expense. She wanted a cheater, she got what she deserves, complete with all the trimmings of other groupies buzzing around while he tells her the gig ran “late”.

      Good riddance to all that noise. Also, you might want to seek out some fresh faces and new friends that have nothing to do with that whole scene. You might find that rather healing and refreshing.

        • I’ve seen that study. I can’t help but think of a girl I used to work with who obsessed over the most ridiculous shit when she got engaged. She got engagement photos, but then decided she needed to get new ones because they didn’t work with her wedding’s fall theme (she’d already gone on a vacation to Florida to get the original photos.) Then she got bent out of shape because the new photographer actually expected a deposit to hold their appointment. Then there was the obsessing over the “bridesmaid proposals” (the what?) the cost of the location, and on and on.

          My opinion was asked, and all I said was “The important thing is your union with your partner. That’s what it’s about.” They said I sounded like a grouchy old divorced woman.

          I said yes, I am divorced. And I had a really nice fancy wedding which amounted to about a whole hill of shit in the end. You could spend literally a million dollars on your ceremony and none of it will matter in the end if you’re marrying the wrong person.

          It’s just another form of extremely expensive image management.

          I would like to get married again, but I honestly have not done much fantasizing about what another ceremony would look like. I’ve thought more about the kind of marriage and relationship I want to have with what type of person.

          • Yes, the mind goes right to the quality of relationship, not the ceremony at this point.

            If weddings were something on the level of art, I might get the bridezilla thing. But the wedding industry is a tacky racket lol. Your treasured wedding memories are basically everyone else’s treasured wedding memories.

            • To be honest, I don’t even know what happened to half the stuff from our ceremony. Pretty sure it got left behind in a box when I moved from one apartment to another at some point (nobody really talks about what to do with that shit when you get divorced…)

              I deleted or untagged myself from all our wedding photos on social media, and I threw away the disk with our video on it…which I never actually watched.

              Like I said, ceremony was nice, venue was fancy, everything was pretty and shiny and expensive.

              Marriage ended two years in.

              Getting married again, I can see myself being a lot more flexible on the details. If my partner wants a ceremony, I’m not going to be a party pooper and say no. For me it would be a second wedding, but for him it would be his first (and hopefully only.) But I would definitely worry less about the amount of money spent and how it all looks. My wedding was essentially aesthetically perfect, but I felt like an empty shell walking down the aisle. Next time around, I don’t care if everything looks perfect, I just want to feel full and happy.

              • Great plan, Kara. Shiny principles are all that’s required. Guests can sense when the happy couple are grounded. It will be joyous. Plus– bonus– less leftover junk to store.

        • I’ve always thought that people who obsess about the perfection of their weddings are the ones who think getting married is the finish line instead of the starting line.

          • Some are pressured unto it but I’ve seen and hesrd of a few bridezillas– like the ones who exclude disabled family members because it might dampen the perfection. Ugh.

      • I live in Armpit, IL, which is just a few miles north of Ass Crack. I know the area well. My ex was from Asshole, IL, which was named after his great great great Grandfather Seumas “Wild Willy” McAsshole.

  • Even fonts can’t handle this bullshit. I envision computers everywhere just self imploding after being subjected to this, this what the fuck is this? A victory speech?

    So that man poaching super spreader is a clinical psychologist? Nah, she is just a whore. She is a whore to the core of her delusions. There goes the neighborhood.

    Start planning your move.

    • Seems like WordPress is trying to purge itself of that ridiculous glurge. Talk about boundless attempt to spackle. The more she claims all is paradise the more likely it is that all their dreams are being bashed with reality. So sad. He’s so much less the rock and roll star when she is having to wash his dirty underwear and pick up after the manchild.

      One thing I realized after talking with my ex’s ex-fiance (not the schmoopie, she met him later) after their spectacular breakup is that they always treat the next one worse. But the window dressing and attempts to parade themselves around like they are super happy are usually to make up for how miserable their reality is. They don’t change, at least not for the better.

      Being able to ignore them and their attention-seeking shenanigans is such sweet relief. Mine moved himself and his new young thing 8 blocks from me for reasons unknown. Still super easy to avoid in a tiny town because we no longer have overlapping friend groups. 🙂 Getting on with life is the best part, and avoid people who send you information on your ex and his groupie. They don’t have your best interests in mind.

      • I have read that if two narcissists get together (in my ex’s case, he’s cerebral, she’s somatic), they can be compatible …. my guess is because they are too consumed with themselves, don’t really care about each other … they are both each other’s appliance, and don’t recognize when the other is not admiring them because they are too busy admiring themselves. They also have the ability to hear negative news about themselves and twist it immediately into a positive because the negative can’t possibly fit their idealized version of themselves (the false image) that they present to the world. Also, if they are both adult-children, stunted somewhere at some point in their lives, they will probably share the same values … to have fun, rewrite history, have fun, exploit people, have fun … did I mention “have fun”? So when others are adulting, they are playing because they feel they deserve it, and in reality, that’s all they’re really capable of.

        Is is possible for two narcissists to have introspection and recognize that’s who they are, and love their new narcissist partner fully? I think if they had that introspection, then they would be coming back to the people they hurt and showing genuine remorse, they would be making amends, they would be horrified at what they had done to someone else, not horrified at how it makes them feel. And I don’t see that at all. Just recently I had to ask my ex about a problem in the past that is recurring, and his response was a very loud, “STILL??????” meaning are you still going on with that … you’re ruining my day.

        So no, I don’t see any growth there whatsoever. All that means is that no one’s challenging each other in their new relationship because they don’t care enough about the other to challenge.

        Anyway, that’s what I feel when I hear of exes treating the next one better … it’s because they’ve found the mirror image of themselves, a false image, and they reflect to each other this image.

        I’ve also read that they find each other because they’re the last ones left in the gene pool. 🙂

        • Champ, I think you’re on to something. My ex has some strong Narc tendencies, but you know what? New wife is very entitled herself. I don’t think she’s ever paid her own way and been completely financially responsible for herself. Even though she shares custody of her kids w/her ex… she’s still frequently dropping them off at her parents so she doesn’t have to parent them (even for kids birthday parties!). I’m pretty sure she believes the sun shines out of her own asshole. I’m really seeing their shared disinterest in responsibility makes them two peas in a pod. You know what though? I’m living a much more authentic and interesting life now (well, as interesting as Covid restrictions allow) so I’m less and less bothered by those Basic fuckwits.

          • I’ve got a lot of proof of AP’s personality … we were all in the same group for years … yes, she is entitled, a liar, the golden child, definitely not a team player, vitriolic, a cocktease, and uses people in her profession to get ahead. Half the group didn’t understand her nor like her, a quarter of the group were her flying monkeys, and the other quarter were as entitled as she was and didn’t care.

            It was such a shocker that my ex picked her to the point where I was trying to warn him about her. They must have had a laugh about that at my expense.

            • I have never met the OW my ex left the marriage for, but I have investigated. I’ve met a half dozen people who know her or knew her and her husband. These people have been male/female, not connected to each other. I’ve also spoken to the ex-husband. Not a one of them had good things to say about her. Just about the nicest thing was that she used to be a normal mother who stayed home with the kids when they were young…then she sent crazy.

              All have said that there is something wrong with her and the my ex is basically dancing with the devil.

              There is a restaurant that my ex and I used to go to often while the kids were growing up, usually for brunch after church on Sundays. The sisters who own the place basically watched my kids grow up. I hadn’t been back to the restaurant in a couple of years. When I returned, one of the owners told me that my ex had been in the week before with some woman to watch a friend of his perform. And, then she started to tear this woman apart: dressed like a tramp, whiny voice, annoying, flirting with the friends that were there for the performance. She even turned to her sister behind the bar and asked if she remembered my ex coming last week and the woman he was with. The other sister just rolled her eyes and said, “Wasn’t she a treat to watch?”

              I then explained that she was the woman he left the marriage for. The look of shock on their faces was priceless. Then, they said, “He’s an idiot. How is he able to put up with her? She’s white trash. He should be embarrassed.”

              Interestingly, I remember when my ex was leaving, he said he knew that people would think he was crazy for giving up what he had to be with this woman. That they would “judge her without knowing that she’s really a good person.” He admitted that there are things about her that he knew weren’t great: she’s always depending on her parents to deal with her kids, she needs to get rid of the “ridiculous” motorcycle, she’s having a tough time managing life on her own, he could tell she’s really wanting someone to come in and tell her what to do in her life, she wears a lot of make-up and it’s a big process for her to remove it at the end of the day. Yep, I was knee deep in the pick me dance to sit there and listen to this stuff in bits and pieces.

              But, it’s all revealed how illogical all of this has been and how incredibly selfish this man is. He found something he felt he could control, be the smartest person in the room with, mentor her, be needed, feel like king of the world.

              He doesn’t really understand that if you truly are intelligent, admirable, talented then it will be recognized by whomever you are with. You shouldn’t have to seek out people specifically who will see you that way, and lower value women at that who are happy with any “knight in shining armour” who comes their way to save them.

              He thinks that adoration is love. He thinks his obsessive infatuation of this woman is love. He thinks his lovebombing is the true expression of love. Well, I remember way back when it was me being lovebombed. It was great for about five years, until I preganant with our first child and adulting had to become the next phase of life. Then, everything changed.

        • Maybe, maybe not. Who really knows? They aren’t that deep and maybe if no one is there to make them accountable for their behavior (because the other is too wrapped up in his/her own persona), then maybe they really can be happy the rest of their lives. But I don’t think so. My ex (a super narcissist and probably covert) was never happy no matter what I did. There was always something that I just didn’t do right and he accused me of being insensitive. He told me that if I had thought of him before I did something, then we wouldn’t have had the issues that we did. It was always all about him. Therefore, when two narcissists are married, it’s still all about them. There will undoubtedly be times when they’ll accuse the other of being insensitive, and narcissists don’t take criticism very well. There will undoubtedly be fights over who is the most insensitive. I can see the explosions. And then the grand love sessions as they make up and tell each other how insanely they love each other. This will reinforce how right they are for each other. And then…, it will get pretty dang tedious. And then I bet it will be dang right boring because they just ‘fell out of love’. They’ll find someone else to talk to, someone else who understands them, someone else that is their new ‘best friend’. My ex married his skank of 15 years who is a Family Counselor and has her masters degree in psychology. Those people are sick and they’re not my problem anymore. I didn’t realize I lived with such drama until I didn’t live it anymore. I have a new man in my life that’s even keel, and sometimes dang right boring. But I don’t have that drama anymore. I’d much rather have boring and steadfastness.

          • Yeah, you’re probably right about the ups and downs … but it might depend on age. My ex is mid 60s so it’ll look like they’ve bonded for life, but it’s because they don’t have much life left (especially if they keep drinking like they do).

            I do think they look at us as creating drama, and not the other way around. By being “real”, we are disrupting their lives by wanting them to be accountable, or questioning the false image they’ve created. We end up being labelled the control freaks, whereas they’re the ones creating chaos and drama, and we’re just trying to control our environment with no help from them. I didn’t realize it until he was gone, too. I thought, why would he want some a boring person as her, but now I know … he wanted the opposite to what he thought I was (not what I actually was).

            • Champ– You brought up something very important– substance abuse/addiction. It’s the predictable bugaboo of people with personality disorders. I’ve encountered narcissists in enduring relationships with each other but only if the “addiction” in common is to money and/or power. Add sex addiction and/or substance dependence and forget it.

        • It is possible two narcs can stay together, but happy? No. I know personally two somatic narcs that ended up married after he left his lovely wife (and kids), although he ended up with 50/50 custody of his two kids. The AP (divorced, 1 kid) worked in a strip club when they met. He was law enforcement. Both worked out like mad and ended up with tattoos galore. The Owife was quite pleased with herself and her catch. However, not long after the marriage she became desperate and clingy as he was more than likely very cold and hot with her. The long discard. He confided in a few people that he regretted marrying the AP. They moved out of state into their dream home and long story short he dumped (shortly after the move) her for yet another affair partner. Not only did he dump her but he set her up and had her arrested for Domestic Violence so she was arrested, kicked out of their house and had to move back up north and live with her mother for over a year. Here is the crazy part, this woman that had an affair with a married man and took part in blowing up his family played the part of the victim on social media. She was calling him a narcissist (he is) and a sociopath. Went on and on how karma will get them blah blah blah. Never did she stop and think well I guess karma kinda got me as I once engaged in this same scenario. So much for introspection or self reflection. Completely lost on this woman. I also found it interesting that her discard started long before he met the new AP. Apparently he was ready to jump ship for years but waited till they moved out of state to avoid another scandal in his hometown. His first wife had class and never made a scene. The Owife? Another story, she was quite rough. The woman (new AP) he is with now for a few years, has been married 3 times and only in her 40’s. From what I hear that relationship is not going well and he is moving back to his hometown.

          • We’re all chumps here. I’m not going to go after the OW with a 2×4 and his car with a louisville slugger, but some of us have been hideously ambushed. Forgive the bystanders who watched me realize I had been bludgeoned and was calling out for refuge. I hope I did not cause a scandal.

  • For all of us reading this and barfing, there are an equal number of people saying “you go girl…”. This world is a mess.

    • Seriously though. It’s true. One of my ex’s wives (yes, he has multiple…simultaneously…no he’s not religious, he’s just gross) has this kind of shit plastered all over her facebook. My mom told me she’s creepy, and out of curiosity I had to see for myself. It’s exactly like this. When she’s not making long diatribes about twu wuv and “fInDinG yOur LiGht” it’s word salad about spiritualism and quotes from pseudo yoga gurus over sunset backgrounds. It’s vomit-inducing word salad pseudo spiritualist gobbledegook at its finest.

      And still she gets the “you’re such a beautiful souuuulll!!” comments.

      No honey, you’re wife no. 3 in a line of not-speshul holes in a rotating harem for a man who hasn’t worked since last summer. Not to mention some of the stuff she’s posted about their “twu wuv” is based on complete bullshit. She talks about how he told her this, that, and the other about his life and how wonderful it is he found her, etc. I was able to spot each and every item that was an outright lie. (I.E. She was saying she was the first and only person he told about a “prophetic dream” he had that foretold their union.” Nope. I know that dream because he told me about it the day after he had it and then described it to half the people in our social circle.)

      Was this very meh? No, not really. I don’t recommend checking on your ex’s new wive’s facebook. But it was a laugh for me. He didn’t upgrade.

    • BBM– Sure those people exist but they’re residents of some ticky-tacky subaltern realm where anyone with half a brain and a few principles doesn’t really need to venture. It’s like internet trolls– very loud on media comment threads but hardly representative of an accurate cross section of public opinion. They can be ignored.

    • Most probably, he already is sleeping with another groupie and has been doing so for quite some time.

      • As they say, when your mistress becomes your next wife there’s a job opening.
        And she’s one of the super effed up clinical psychologists. Goody.
        Two of my female neighbors are mental health care professionals. One, a social worker, is a wifetress. And the other (psychologist who teaches human sexuality at a local uni) is a member of the Esther Perel fan club. Her 14 year old daughter is a crackhead and the 11 year old son bullies my autistic neighbor and tried to vandalize my property.
        I try to believe there are some emotionally healthy therapists with good character. Obviously not this home wrecker with barf ???? inducing prose.
        Happy Throat Punch Thursday CN !

        • I love James Goldsmith’s quote: “When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.”

          • Love that! It’s actually kind of fun to be an observer of their chaos. We know all the steps in their dysfunctional dance and see the irony in their “love.” I’m sitting back with a bucket of popcorn while the karma rolls itself out….

            My favorite moment so far is finding out that the AP bought him a sex book titled “She Comes First.” ???? The whore destroyed her own family and is just now figuring out that he’s a selfish prick? ????????????

            • Oh I’ve seen that book. I used to work at an adult toy store and we had that book in stock.

              This will probably make you laugh harder, but it’s basically an instruction book on how to actually make your female partner orgasm. I shit you not.

              So basically your ex’s AP needed to get him a book about how to make women orgasm.

            • Now that is comedy gold and karma in action all in one, neat, hilarious package.

      • It’s probably the reason for the post in the first place. Image management. Reassuring everyone (and likely proclaiming to any rivals for her “position”) that they have True Love ™ so back off!

        • Haha– what do you call the female version of “cock-blocking”? Twat-blocking? So true. Calling dibsies.

          • I always thought the female version of “cock-blocking” was “clit-blocking”.

            • Apt but I hate that word more than the cruder terms. It just sounds harsh without being funny. Why does “syphillis” sound so pretty compared to all the correct terminology for body parts?

      • As a concert attendee who has been approached by married musicians: this right here. Band Aid may currently be congratulating herself for ‘winning’ her prize, but in reality she’s merely the new Household Manager/Broke Musician Charity Fund who will have to be accepting of her true love’s ongoing need for groupie gratification.

        • Yeah, gotta agree with that! When I was young, I inadvertently got involved with a musician who was in a long-term relationship. When I found out, I was mortified and stopped it immediately. He tried all the tricks in the book to keep it going such as, that he couldn’t live without me, that his partner was frigid, that she lets him cheat. There is something really seductive about mooning over a musician and thinking you’re special. But, nope. I reckon some musicians are special kinds of narcissists that some of us fall for. This woman is very young and silly – she’ll figure it out when she gets cheated on. I almost feel sorry for her! But, fuck her…and no more reading social media posts!!! Tell your friends to fortify a world around you where you aren’t exposed to that – ask them to be part of protecting you instead of exposing you to their shit. No good will come of knowing their bullshit.

  • Fact checkers and moral compasses be damned!


    My friend was wife No. 2 of a VERY BIG WORLD FAMOUS ROCK STAR who lives here in the county. Man I was so jealous! I too, wanted to be the muse who got a red Ferrari with which to go to the grocery store!

    He is now on wife No. 5. Or No. 6. I can’t remember. ANYHOO….No 5/6 was cheating with him way back when and is a cheater too. Surpirse! (and is a former Real Housewife who crashed a function at the White House……)


    The Instagram feed is a daily cheesy schmaltzy steady feed of Methinks The Lady Doth Proclaim Twu Wuv Too Much.

    She is just the most recent deck chair he is using on the Titanic. The more successful a musician you are, the greater the selection of deck chair options.

    Dear writer, I am so sorry for your pain but have to say I’m glad you got in the Chump Nation lifeboat.

    • My first hand knowledge of cheating rock stars (I live in one of their habitats) is that they don’t change. They just keep going back to pick a fresh groupie from the endless supply. I can’t imagine that cheating musicians from the minor leagues would do any different. I think “endless supply of groupies” is one of the perks they cultivate. The details I heard from my friend about her marriage to the guitar virtuoso cured me of any jealousy I had and made me glad I wasn’t friendlier to him when I saw him at the bank before he met her….

        • This is so truthful. My ex fancies himself a musician but has only failed because he puts forth no effort. I am his age, his ladyfriends keep getting younger and younger. His most recent girlfriend is 26 and he’s 47. She was born the year we got married. That is so icky. But he longs for some sort of lost youth, as if he ever grew up.

          • My ex was almost 20 years older and he once admitted to me that being with me allowed him to pretend he was really my age.

            To me there are few things ickier then these pathetic people who try to convince themselves that they fit in with a much younger crowd.

            The irony is that the younger crowd laughs at them. When my kids were little they had a college age babysitter and she used to tell me how they’d laugh at the pathetic 40 somethings hitting on college girls at the bar.

            • It’s pretty gross, she’s closer in age to our son that my ex. My son has sadly learned not to get too attached to anyone his dad is with. He has a habit of completely blowing things up. Luckily he can just come home to us and a stable, quiet, boring household. His refuge. I’m good being the boring parent. He’s a teenager now and he seems to appreciate it too.

      • Lol– “lived in one of their habitats”… Cue Sir David Attenborough:

        “And here to the left of the monkey brush vines we have a rare opportunity to observe the mating ritual of the elusive Aging Rocker in his native habitat engaging in what is called the ‘trade in.’
        Having completed his hair transplant surgery, this fine specimen of Aging Rockers dons a truss, nibbles the fruit of the Sildenaphil tree and reclines on a bed of banana leaves, preparing to watch the frenzied dance of ‘Pick Me’ performed by a phallanx of Blue Footed Groupies. Each will vie to replace the current Red Crested Chump who will typically be off-site tending to offspring or engaging in a behavior peculiar to all all subspecies of Crested Chumps called ‘adulting.’…”

      • Eeeeeww this is so gross Former Groupie, he sounds so so much like my horrible alcoholic “musician” ex. I put the word in quotations because he got very little work and made next to nothing, so our accountant at one point told him it shouldn’t be classified as employment but an expensive hobby!! He refused to do anything around the house and wouldn’t do a day job. All of that was beneath him and his artistic sensitive self. He will never change and neither will your ex. I am glad you are rid of him, and I would try very hard not to look at that gross image management crap. Also listen to the song “Greenville” by Lucinda Williams. You will think she knows your ex!

    • Velvet Hammer – if his initials are NS, I can’t listen to the band he currently leads due to knowing what a cheater he is…. and I loved that group so much in the 80’s! Cheaters flock to cheaters.

      • Back around 1984, the bass player of That Group followed me off of the freeway to ask me out. Nope. Because by that time I had gotten clean and sober and regarded dating rock stars as a threat to my recovery. Bullet dodged.

    • After living it, I think it is reasonable to assume that no matter what they say, a significant majority of workers who travel a lot or have a home in another city – and are not asexual – have some sort of sex beyond entirely-solo sex when they are not with the stated primary partner.

      Part of fixing my picker, for me, included fixing it to have boundaries around the lifestyle of the partner. Some people think that’s judgey. I view it as compatibility analysis. We may have strong feelings for one another, but if our lives aren’t compatible with one another’s needs, platonic friendship may be the only way I’m willing to give my time to you.

      Of course, for people who can’t control themselves as mature, responsible, emotionally intelligent adults, this isn’t an option, so it doesn’t work for everyone — but it works fine for me.

      • “After living it, I think it is reasonable to assume that no matter what they say, a significant majority of workers who travel a lot or have a home in another city – and are not asexual – have some sort of sex beyond entirely-solo sex when they are not with the stated primary partner.”

        Pretty much, both for travellers and for those professions where you work shifts and long hours. Because it gives them opportunity to do it and keep it under wraps that someone who has to be home every night wouldn’t have. This doesn’t mean that someone working 9-5 would never cheat, they do as well because people leave the house for other reasons other than work, but the long time apart creates a distance. It’s the out of sight out of mind sort of thing.

        I’m also fairly certain that if my ex hadn’t been travelling so much and working such long hours regularly I would have caught up with his behaviour a lot earlier. He spent so much time away from home that it was easy for him to hide things and lead his double life.

        • And, for male cheaters, there’s a subset like my X who make a shit ton of money and use their professional status to attract much younger home wreckers looking for a lifestyle.

          I got a laugh this week. My child said X doesn’t like his new high end SUV so he’s buying a Porsche! Can there be any bigger cliche than a divorced 50 year old balding, fat, golfing, McCheaterpants living with 30 year old smoker with thigh gaps, long hair, “kid hating” affair partner and now driving a Porsche?! ????????????

          What a fool!

          Thank God I’m free of that repulsive prick.

        • Absolutely. The same is true for my ex. He was gone so much and working so much that I missed all the red flags. In hindsight I should have caught onto the fact that a business trip to Paris was likely not the business I was thinking he was engaged in.

        • Yes. It’s significant that entertainers that travel for a living who have families and are devoted to them often find a way to bring them along. A friend who worked in the industry described the motor homes and hotel arrangements these people make. Comedian Jim Gaffigan describes his family’s arrangements when he toured.

      • I traveled alot for work for 40 yrs and never strayed. however, my FW who stayed home did. soo..its not about travel or opportunity, its about character.

        • I’m with you, I know people and situations like yours.

          The only thing that might also be true is that cheating-prone people might be more likely attracted to jobs which require a lot of travel. But again, this gives home based partners also a lot of opportunities to cheat.

          • Yeah, in my case, I was the one traveling a lot. It actually made me miss my husband and daughter so much! I NEVER had the urge to fuck anyone else – I just pined for my family. Funny that! Also, it was my ex who was at home figuring out how to cheat on me. And, on the rare occasion when he did travel, he fucked strange. When he left and I scanned the computers for evidence, I found that he actually did a Google search for, “can S&M gear make it through airport security.” Meanwhile, I was doing lame shit like buying gifts for him and my daughter at the Duty Free airport shops. Chump!

        • You see this a lot in the military. I’m ex army and while the men do cheat the women often cheat more because they have more opportunity.

          Deployed women are surrounded by separate men with low standards, and the wives at home have plenty of opportunities….especially if they live on or near the base.

          There was a time when the wives would fly either flags or towels to let men know the husband was deployed and she was available.

            • I’m thinking back to when Pigface was deployed, but came back for leave, and had me schedule him a visit with a urologist for supposedly painful balls. He claimed it was from not having sex because he was away from home. Then, the nurse called and left a message on my voicemail (because chumpy me also had to fill out the pre-visit paperwork, and I checked the box that it was okay to leave a detailed message on my voicemail because I would have to chumpily remind Pigface that he had an appointment) that his Viagara prescription request would not be approved by insurance because of issues with his age and the prior auth that the doctor wouldn’t sign). Incidentally, he also had a skin tag removed from said painful balls. I guess that was to make dick pics look better? Or maybe to get it tested and make sure it was actually a skin tag? Pig.

              • Swine indeed. Sounds like some fears of STDs going on there. My ex, who only has one testicle, all of a sudden became very obsessive about his uni-ball. He kept telling me he felt lumps in it, was worried about how it would impact his health to only have one (even though he was born that way). What I wouldn’t give to know what he was really going to the doctor about! He wouldn’t go if he was half dead with a flu, but to get the ball repeatedly examined…all the time! And then he became obsessed about his prostate for a time too. Fuckwits.

        • I totally agree with this. It’s not about travel, it’s about character.

          A cheater can come home at 5 pm sharp every day and it won’t stop them from schtupping a howorker in the filthy broom closet on their lunch break….right after they text you about their “terrible” day at work and get sympathy from you for some extra kibbles.

          You really can’t police another adult or stop them from cheating. All you can do is take your time getting to know people and if you do mistake them for being decent and are proven wrong, know that you can boot them out of your life and be fine. No pick me dancing, just a cold and hard gtfo.

        • This is why I said “significant majority”. It isn’t all, by any means. I recognize that.

    • PS….my sister was friends with No. 1… there is a lot of verifiable data to prove that the only thing they change is who they are screwing around with….

      • Omg, my cheater was a groupie too for that band! Big cocaine dealer to them in the 80’s. Small world. I digress. Its scary that you can almost assume if a person is rich and famous all bets of humanity are off.
        Happy you are here former groupie! It’s a special kind of fucked up when they move close to chump and play their power trips. Vomit!

        • Another friend of mine was close friend with No. 4….like I said, this case really proved to me the hypothesis that cheaters only change partners, not themselves.

          Thankfully I was never a groupie….if I’d had access to their sizeable cocaine supply back then it would have likely resulted in a dirt nap for me…..fate delivered recovery to me instead of All Access backstage passes.

    • Velvet Hammer,
      I don’t follow or watch any of “The Real Housewives” yet some of their behavior oozes out. When the party crasher pulled her stunt, dressed the way she was,I thought “what a tacky, culturally appropriating bitch !”
      Thanks for your comments

    • That crasher woman is bat-shit crazy. I somehow found myself watching her first wedding video online for some bizarre reason…in a Catholic Church in DC… reminded me of Cheaters sisters wedding…Catholic Cathedral and she didnt have a Catholic molecule in her body

    • Hilarious! Like a joint insta of all these completely created but rando outbursts of love – I just fell in his arms on the beach, quick someone snap a pic! No sane couple who has been married over 7 years is taking such photos. I see there’s a lawsuit they filed last year, some PR blurb about current wifey getting assaulted by security at a concert. Wifey is quoted as saying she’s been at every concert for nearly 10 years always taking video & photos begins the scenes that their fans really appreciate. Sounds more like marriage policing, back off potential groupies, super wife #5 is here to cock block!

      • I read that as well ???? When cuckoo bird went on “The View” ,cohost Whoopi Goldberg touched her arm. Wingnut cried assault.

  • My first romantic encounter with my EX occurred after I accepted his invitation to come watch him play with a band at a bar.

    In retrospect, I can see how this desire was symbolic. He always wanted someone to be his clapping, cheering, adoring audience. For him, the most desirable woman is the one who is most loudly singing his praises. I expect your EX was just the same. All that adulting work you were doing that kept you from attending his performances had no value at all to him. He wants a wife who tells him he is fantastic and that she is never happier than when she is putting all her other interests aside in order to fawn over him and applaud his “talent.”

    His groupie knows she is morally bankrupt. She knows her husband isn’t trustworthy. She wouldn’t be making such stupid, self-serving posts if she didn’t need reassurance. Good luck with that. I think some day you’ll be going about your life and hear the squishing sounds from down the street as the karma bus runs her right over.

    • “…TRUE LOVE is never a scandal (Tom says)”

      Tom says!

      Ah, the parenthetical tell. I’m sure Tom says a lot of inane things.

      She knows it’s a damn scandal, born of deceit. She wrote this long-form, sappy Hallmark card not only to convince others that Tom is right but to convince herself. She’s both managing her/their image and soothing her ego.

      But she goes one step further by trying to convince others that they must be jealous. It’s dripping with noblesse oblige–like Marie Antoinette’s “let them eat cake” (which I guess does apply here) but even more extreme: “Be jealous of me; may you little people experience even a crumb of the love-cake I have and you will share (ever so slightly) in the buffet of our boundless love.”

      Former Groupie, I’m glad things are going well now, but is there any chance you can manage a move so that you’re less likely to see these parading fuckwits?

      Also, is this woman a practicing psychologist? Pity her patients.

  • How sad to be a woman who can’t find her own marginally-successful, emotionally checked-out, mid-life regional musician, and so has to steal SOMEONE ELSE’s marginally-successful, emotionally checked out, mid-life regional musician. Come for the derivative tunes, stay for the delusions of grandeur!

    Like stealing someone else’s used non-winning scratch-off lottery ticket. #GarbageThief

    • Hahaha– “Come for the derivative tunes, stay for the delusions of grandeur!”

      Love it. #DumpsterDiver

    • Eeeeeww this is so gross Former Groupie, he sounds so so much like my horrible alcoholic “musician” ex. I put the word in quotations because he got very little work and made next to nothing, so our accountant at one point told him it shouldn’t be classified as employment but an expensive hobby!! He refused to do anything around the house and wouldn’t do a day job. All of that was beneath him and his artistic sensitive self. He will never change and neither will your ex. I am glad you are rid of him, and I would try very hard not to look at that gross image management crap. Also listen to the song “Greenville” by Lucinda Williams. You will think she knows your ex!

    • Ha ha ha! Yes there should be a greeting card that says “congratulations on your new biggest problem!”

  • Aren’t they all groupies pushing their way to the front row in adoration? And yes there will always be someone else willing to ‘support’ the illusion. Thankfully someone’s bar was so low they won the prize. There’s always a next.

  • You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

    Glad to read that you and your teens got some good counseling and are healing. CL is right… a friend would never share this drivel with you because they would understand how important no contact is to your healing and this isn’t some teenage drama that requires analysis. You divorced a cheater. That’s your truth… own it and go build an amazing cheater free life and let schmoopie worry about the groupie.

    #alakazam … love it!

  • FG,

    I would be more selective in who you consider a friend. As CL says, someone sending you this blatant BS isn’t helping you and your kids move forward ……. unless you are at a point where you can read it for (and appreciate) its pure comedic content.

    I’m certainly not at that point yet … but one day I will be.


  • Former Groupie might consider posting this hilarious UBT right under magic twat’s vomitous, delusional crap fest.

    Just sayin’… ????????????

    It never ceases to amaze me these whores think a cheater won’t cheat on them. Lose ’em how you get’ em, whore. ????????

  • He’s a piece of work and did you a favor by “confessing”. She’s a total idiot with no common sense what a waste of an education in such a field.
    I’m glad you’re making it work. They need to move. Far away
    I agree tell your friend thanks but no thanks on the social media updates. Never know who’s been with him over the years. You did great❤️

    Mrs CL- no worries- once in a while even the FONT says “what the…?”

  • “Some call it clandestine fucking. I call it admiration.

    I will say this — Flapjack Bonaparte twirls flaming bisons.”

    No no – KEEP Flapjack Bonaparte twirls flaming bisons – at least that makes SENSE compared to what Schmoopie wrote!

    And I spit-laughed coffee all over my work-issued keyboard. Worth it.

    She pulls rabbits out of her vagina and hamsters out of her ass. On command. Be on the lookout for her year-end/Christmas letter.

  • Former Groupie,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. This post sounds so much like what my ex and his affair partner are saying about their relationship. And it hurts a lot. Chump Lady posted my story on November 2. I have nothing else to say, except I’m sorry. And ask your friends to stop telling you things that they post. I still asked my friends to tell me things, but recently stopped and my life is so much better for it.

    • Agree. I’ve told people (there are really only a few who might know what he’s up to) that I don’t want to hear anything about him or her (unless it’s bad news! #notatmeh).

      And thankfully neither of them is on social media. My ex even bragged that the OW would never have a FB account, as if this made her morally superior.

      I realize I have the luxury of cutting off all info. We don’t have to co-parent because our kids are adults.

      In fact, sometimes I wonder if I should just pretend that he died.

      • Spinach…. the illusion (con) that I thought he was did die. He never was person.

      • @Spinach-that is what I did for awhile, and will do again once everything is final. Because he kind of did die, the guy I married. And I understand those who will say he didn’t die because that guy never existed, and I respect that outlook too. But for me, for 25 years, he did. So once all the formalities are over and he is out of my life forever I will mourn his passing and miss him and hopefully heal and move on.

      • Spinach–

        Go ahead- have the funeral. Invite people. No better excuse to buy a flaming red dress and matching dancing shoes.


    Here’s the thing about being in love; it does not last. Love transforms and should grow, becomes dependable and you build a companionship in a shared life. You’re a team, you’re a family, you have each other’s back through thick and thin.

    AP isn’t special because she’s in love. Their love isn’t ‘true love’. I’m sure Former Groupie and her ex were also in love once, and they created a very real family with children and all the rest. AP and ex sooner or later will have to face more or less the same problems as every other relationship, once things aren’t shiny and new and sometimes you’re bored, and sometimes you’re tired or cranky. And maybe cheating, because you know how you got him is how you lose him, and past behaviour is the best predictor for future behaviour. Just sayin’.

    Also if she were so sure of her relationship she wouldn’t need to 1- write these grand statements on fb 2- to take a dig at how apparently dear ol’ Tommy wasn’t Tommy with his family (and what does that mean anyway, that real Tommy is a cheater and total dick? Because yeah, I get that) and 3- tell others she hopes they can experience what she’s experiencing (omg she’s so special!). For a psychologist she has zero empathy, I would never want to be her patient.

    • No, no, no! You don’t understand. “True love”, by definition, never fails. Former Groupie / original wife never had true love with middle-aged regionally known musician because MARKM fell in love with AP. Ipso facto, Former Groupie’s love never was true. Sure she thinks it was, but we know it couldn’t have been or AP never would have been able to pry MARKM away from her.

      AP and MARKM will and should enjoy their true love until the day he finds someone to replace her, at which point we will all regretfully acknowledge that AP was mistaken when she described their relationship as true love – but really, what can you do? to err is human – and we will all wish MARKM the best with his next groupie / true love – because really, who are we to stand in the way of true love?

      Unfalsifiable propositions are awesome.

    • If by “experiencing what she’s experiencing” you mean looking at the clock and wondering, “Wasn’t s/he supposed to be home 1, 2, 4 hours ago?” I think everyone here has experienced that. I’ll take a pass on experiencing it again.

  • Such bullshit. Lived it, too – only, this side piece was a financial advisor groupie who went to “work events” while I was running our home and caring for our children. Unfortunately, the likes of these are a dime a dozen, on both sides. I have no idea how anyone can’t see through their bullshit “true love” story.
    Onward and upward!

  • A thought just occurred to me (which our letter writer probably shouldn’t act upon) – but wouldn’t it be great if our letter writer posted the trashy FB post of the other woman with CL’s UBT underneath it on her OWN FB page! Without drawing attention to CL of course – we don’t want to lure trash to this page. I know it’s now going to happen but the thought of “analysing” the ho’s post this way is wonderful!

  • Gross. What a display of narcissism on crack. I’m with CL; until you are at Meh, ask your friends not to send you enraging OW codswallop. What a miserable little twat. I hope he gives her Clamydia.

    I used to date a struggling musician. I strongly suspected him of cheating, and then he started being physically abusive. I kicked the crap out of him when he tried to choke me and that was the end of that. To my great satisfaction, his life after that was one long train wreck, including a stint in prison. People in music or film are often disordered IMO. They desire fame, so it’s a no brainer that many are narcs. In my ex boyfriend’s case, I think the guy was BPD. Your ex will get his dumb ass into trouble at some point from drugs, booze or both. I predict the usual DUIs and multiple stints in rehab. Your sanity and maturity was what held him together. With schmoopie, who is far too self-involved and immature to keep his chaos at bay (plus has chaos of her own) he’s going to have problems. You just keep being your sane, lovely self and glide through life knowing their punishment is being them, which is a fate worse than death.

    Btw, Flapjack Bonaparte twirling bisons? Lol! I love you, UBT.

    • Good for you on kicking, literally kicking, that asshole out of your life! May all battered spouses be blessed with the same strength as you!

  • Ooooh. “Most people who know & love me …” Where do I get on the love train so I can know and love her, too?????!!!!!!!!!! She sounds precious. I am soooo missing out. She should start a blog. This is sooooo fascinating.

    Yeah, sounds like a pick-me post. If they were this passionate every day to each other, AP wouldn’t have the energy to write this to him. And, OMG!, she’s a psychologist? Send this anonymously to whatever group she’s registered with. “Hey! This is the type of wing nut who’s counselling others.” That’d be fun to do!!!

    What would be interesting to read is the reply from Tommy (she calls him Tommy … you know, because, they are soooo in love …. and you have to be her to call him Tommy … his ex-wife calls him Tom, but not her, she calls him Tommy … Tommy-Poo-Poo, actually … he likes it, he just does!!!!!)

    If his response is an emoji, he’s screwing someone else.

    If it’s a “Thanks”, he’s screwing someone else.

    If it’s a long flowery missive back to her, extolling her virtues, he’s just as fucked as she is, he’s found his level, there are no checks and balances, they have a whole lot of time on their hands (i.e., they have money, they want more money, they write notes to each other to sustain their relationship in order to protect their money), there is not an iota of self-awareness amongst the two of them, they will implode at some point in their lives … and he’s screwing someone else.

  • A little off topic but this cartoon has always been one of my favorites. Love the saggy underpants clad man who is aging in what can only be described as in a normal fashion. The OW trying to paint a narrative of their love as the Romance Of The Ages. It reminds me of a live Christmas tree by mid January – sad and tired and ready for the trash.

    • Ha me too Onward and Upward, because back in the discovery phase when I looked through the his and hers Instagram accounts which true opened my eyes (I don’t have an insta account but he’d suddenly got interested about a year before so I knew where to look) he’d posted a picture from a movie of a suave but grey haired Peter O’Toole with a fey young Romy Schneider cuddling up to him. Guess who was the only person that ‘liked’ that picture. That’s what they thought they were, two fantastic, important love-struck gorgeous individuals. Whenever I think of that picture, which of course at the time was a gut punch, I replace it with the cartoon above.

      I really agree, this is a case of ‘thou doth protest too much’. If I fell madly madly in love with someone tomorrow I would be embarrassed if I started acting like this.

      • Omg! Yeah, the cartoon is SO great.

        Dudder, your ex and his OW act like a couple of love-struck teenagers. I’m embarrassed for them.

        Mine acts the same. I haven’t seen an Instagram post like yours (eww), but I have seen their matching thigh tattoos and a photo of employees that he saved. It’s like an elementary school class photo with thumbnail pics of each employee. He cropped it so it’s the two of them are on adjacent rows.

        Also, I’m sure mine thinks he looks like Brad Pitt or Tom Brady

        And let’s talk about smells. In recent years, I noticed that my then-husband’s bathrobe had an old-man smell. It shocked me. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him. I just washed the robe. Twice.

        Come to think of it, around that same time I also started to feel that I was being kissed by an old uncle. Maybe that was my unconscious trying to signal me. But even my unconscious couldn’t chisel through the decades of spackle.

        • I inadvertently found that my ex stayed logged into one of his email accounts just after he left. My friend and I looked through some of his email and found that his girlfriend was sending photos of herself with different hairstyles and outfits and asking my husband’s opinion on how she should dress and cut her hair. I was so fucking grossed out and perplexed at the images, and the very next day my 13 year old daughter showed me an app with the same types of images because she was trying on different hair styles! Point is, new girlfriend has more in common with a young teen than a grown woman, and also, no sense of self. Yuck.

  • This woman has an advanced degree? She can’t string a sentence together! Run-ons, comma splices, subjects missing entirely, capitalization based entirely on whim . . .

    Do clinical psychologists get to drop out of writing classes starting in junior high, or did she get someone else to write her papers for her through the entirety of her education?

    • The latter. I live in a university town and see advertisements for such services ( proofreading and editing theses or dissertations) Also known as cheating. Surprise surprise.

  • With all the shit going on- I needed that laugh! OMG so perfectly funny!
    One of the BEST UBT’s!

      • Thanks for saying it twice, even accidentally. I can use all the encouragement I can get. ????

        That story doesn’t have a good ending for me though, at least not yet. The fact that I was just out of an abusive relationship and very vulnerable allowed my cheater to pull off his “nice guy” con on me, love bomb me into committing to him and then proceed to ever so incrementally ramp up the emotional abuse. I had no clue back then what emotional abuse even was, since it was even less widely known or understood than it is now. I didn’t understand why I felt so anxious and uneasy. Everybody told me I was oversensitive and being unfair to him, even my own family. They unwittingly assisted the fuckwit in gaslighting me, believing he really was the good guy he portrayed himself as. That went on for a very long time.

        But on the bright side, when I found out he gave me an STD, I kicked his ass just like I did to the other abuser and I’m not ashamed to admit it. One physical assault deserves another. He’s history and has a (hopefully terminal) case of the sad sausage blues.

        Hopefully I will heal from all this after enough time in NC. There’s a lot of history to unpack, but some day the story will have a happy ending. I picture playing with my dogs and lying in the sand along the tranquil shores of Lake Meh.

        Thanks again for your encouragement and I hope your story ends up with you blissfully fuckwit free forever.????

  • AP is wrong. There are actually only two ways to tell any story, love stories included: honestly and dishonestly. She chose the latter…and then tries to cover up the honesty gap with flowery language. “Look at these roses, and not my whorish behavior!.”

    Which makes sense, because words like “cheating,” “infidelity,” “lies,” “deceit” and “betrayal” are so un-romantic. So unlovely. As she will understand, when he does the same to her.

  • Very rarely do musicians make it big. The majority are wannabe losers and the thing is most go well into their senior years thinking they will still be discovered. Event the talented ones with steady gigs live on the edge financially. Most drink, a lot. Former groupie is well rid of this dead weight. While reading her letter to CL I wasn’t surprised to read she was the main bread winner. Clinical psychologists and therapists are also a dime a dozen and unless they have a kick ass private practice make diddly squat. I personally know a few and they all come from dysfunctional families and have their own demons. Plus anyone that broadcasts their true love on social media is an idiot and you can bet the farm the relationship won’t last.

  • I feel for the letter writer. I myself feel this very frequently. My ex and his new true love do the same. Parade the happy life around as if it is something you purchase at Tiffany’s. It bothers me, but at the same time I know that it is also fake… I wish there was an ability to overcome this sense of betrayal.

    Here are my thoughts in more detail:

    • Inescapable,

      Firstly, I love your blog.

      Secondly, be reassured; you know that what your Ex and his AP are putting out there in terms of image manage management is utterly fake. It will also be transparently obvious to anyone that matters to you as well.

      As for those that are buying their toxic BS ……. f*ck ’em, you don’t need people like that in your life.


    • Great thoughts in your blog.

      We had the misfortune to get schmoozed by men who consider women inter-changeable. Fuck them.

      Being alone is better than being with a Judas. No matter how sparkly he pretends to be with his bich.

  • Outstanding UBT.
    The OW clinical psychologist doesn’t seem to be interested in calling herself out her own bullshit.

  • Delusional much? Tommy says there’s no scandal so it is so. No spin doctor required for Tommy as he has ME ME ME and ME. Did I forget to mention ME? Matters not that Tommy is 1/2 of the Scandal yet with his massive entitlement and commitment to centrality, what Tommy says goes. Anyone who doubts the words of Tommy just simply cannot be worthy of a love such as ours.

    This Delusional Dumb Dumb “Clinical Psychologist” is proof of the massive difference between book smarts and real smarts. What an absolute idiot this schmoopie is to think Twu Wuv is just a short hop and skip over the rainbow, right next to the pot of gold. One thing’s for sure. These two fuckwits are perfectly matched in their capacity to love, which is ZERO. Good luck with that Dim Witt.

  • Flapjack!? I had to wiki that.
    A fictional UK cartoon. Jessica Rabbit is about where I left off in the cartoon universe.

    And I must be decrepit because I don’t comprehend Bonaparte nor twirling buffalo.
    Now if you wanna talk purple dinosaur I know him well because I wore the VHS ???? tapes out.

    This old boy would also need a song title to decipher the crashed the WH party hint.

    Cue Eore “Ohhh Bother…”

    I related this to the Wally World impulse buy rags I see where superstar x cheats on superstar y with baby z. Then switch to major lawsuit settlements.

    Give me Johnny Quest, Haji and Race Bannon any day. Or Davey and Goliath claymation.

    Truth will always be stranger than fiction in FW land.

    • White House party crasher ran off with rock star from 1980s band that always had lead singer problems – one of the band’s hits was in the Sopranos finale.

  • I got the impression the letter writer has faced some sort of backlash.
    Stewed on it for a while and wrote this.

  • A chump friend of mine just asked all his friends to de-friend his Ex on FB & such. Worked like a charm. It was a nice Who’s on Team Me test.

    • Wish I had thought of that. I went the slow route. Immediately one friend defriended the evil twins because she had been hurt and wasn’t going to support that shit, but the other few mutual friends didn’t. So I asked a few, “So what are they posting?” I got a variation of “Oh, I don’t follow them. I’m not sure. I wouldn’t be able to tell you that because I don’t see their posts.”

      Zap!!! Okay, first of all, you’re incredibly stupid to not know how to look at someone’s posts without following them, or you’re a liar and are following them and still in their circles, or you care so much about me you know I shouldn’t be asking what they’re posting but you don’t care enough to defriend them, or you’re too weak-kneed to defriend them. Buh-bye!!!!!

      Like the head in the salad spinner … I eventually got my answer of who my friends were. I like your friend’s method better.

  • He thinks he is meant for bigger things. Not just his country’s stage but the world’s stage. He was going to be the next Bono or Springsteen. Instead he’s a semi famous local musician. He had to have adoration and she provided it. At some he is going to fart in public, she is going to get the runs and no amount of adoration will put that genie back in the bottle. Life will throw them a curve ball at some point. It might not be Karma, it will be reality, and that will be plenty.

  • A few thoughts on cheater language:

    I’ve read all the posts here and find them entertaining and informative, as usual. Chumps are a clever bunch, as it turns out. Thanks for the daily laughs and insights, especially from CL!

    Anyway, this OW’s sappy letter has me thinking about the way cheaters use language to buoy themselves. We see an obvious display of euphemisms in this OW’s letter.

    A couple of examples from paragraph 1:
    “embrace a man I am most passionate about” —fuck around
    “ever so quietly”–sneak around
    “because he came to me in transition that required sensitivity and protection”–because he was married

    My ex trots out his own euphemisms:

    1. Instead of lying he prefers “pretending” (like children playing house) He pretended he was on call but met her at a hotel instead. It doesn’t sound as bad (to him).

    2. Instead of “consequences” (such a nasty word) he prefers “punishment.” This word makes him the victim of my (and our kids’) vindictiveness. He’s being pilloried unjustly!

    I’m sure I can come up with others, but my head hurts. Anyone else?

    • My top one that fuckwit was screaming at me at the top of his lungs, “It’s not cheating, it’s a mistake, don’t call it cheating!”……as if that makes everything so much better…. Yup, nothing to see here, just a mistake, you know like when you put a fork in the wrong place on the table, just a whoopsie…..minor little thing….no need to be dramatic about it…..

      • Mine also uses the minimizing “made a mistake,” or, the equally minimizing, but more snooty, “erred.”

        These euphemisms are always followed by, “but.”

        I erred but but but, you were x! I made a mistake but but but but we had problems in our marriage.

        “I’ll use language that minimizes what I’ve done and then shift the blame to you or at least force you to own your part of my cheating. Ahem, I mean, my mistake.”

        CL addresses this in LAC;GAL. “Sexless, unkind, controlling chumps are seen as complicit in their own betrayal. Oh, sure, they have a right to be hurt. Mistakes were made. But chumps should examine how they drove their partners to cheat and strive to improve themselves.” ????

      • Tell him to ask a priest, minister, lawyer, or judge if adultery is adultery.

        Sickening how these rejects minimize the betryal they inflict.

    • So astute. I was always told I was “punishing” or “scolding” him or exacting my “revenge” whenever I tried to put up a boundary.

      It would go like this: “When you punch and smash things in anger I don’t feel safe. If you don’t stop our relationship can’t continue.”

      His response: “There you go, always having to get your revenge and scold me like I’m a child. I’m NOT a child and you’re NOT my mom.”

  • I think there are ‘friends’ and in my case, also my siblings, who view my life as a drama for their entertainment. They love the scandal.
    My true friends do not sidle up to whisper what the asswipe is currently doing.

  • I’ve dated musicians. A 49-year old guy with a “regional” band is on the edge of musical irrelevance. And when they hook up with a groupie on the side, that’s “fun.” When they marry said groupie and she’s at every gig, that’s a bummer.

    I agree with CL, though. Lose the overlapping friends groups. Don’t be in a position to see the garbage they post or what people say about them. And if living this close bothers you, maybe it’s time to move once the kids are through school.

  • Gawd. My ex cheated for years. He finally broke me down and we split. After a few years I met a nice fellow.

    Even though I was not the cause of the divorce, I am still very reluctant to boast or even talk about my new relationship. Out of sensitivity to our kids.

    The creeps that cheat, and then have the nerve to brag about their relationship are the lowest of the low. Pigs! Scoundrels.

  • “My magic vagina broke the spell and brought Tommy back to his old self. Ala-ka-ZAM! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my pussy.”

    OMG I am dYiNg. ????

    • Late to reading yesterday’s topic and have not read all the posts, BUT BUT BUT for someone who is ” QUIET” this OW is nothing but a loud mouthed b I t c h, AND many other words which might make my post explode, so I will just make this short, and stop.
      ( except to add, what kind of people would read this dribble and have any respect for her? Oh ya, people who yodel)!

  • Holy Batman. Tommy has a real piece of work on his hands. If I was wired to feel sorrow for cheaters, he may be first on my list. These two truly deserve one another, and, by the way, I would bet my life-savings that he doesn’t ADMIRE her in return. Maybe her girl parts and living situation for the time being, but that’s about it.

  • Her letter proves it’s not tru luv. It has the ultra high level of bravado and goopy, tween melodrama that only commensurate levels of insecurity and guilt can support as its foundation.

    And she keeps mounding more goopy romantic dribble in this post…kind of like putting lipstick on a pig. But this isn’t just lipstick. She’s putting foundation, powder, red lip liner, red stain, lipstick, gloss, and then glitter gloss. And it just makes the pig look worse.

    She writes like a super clingy nutcase. This is going to get suffocating for your musician ex….who has plenty of waitresses, bartenders and customers who are looking for a tune. She’s insecure! But writing a goopy post makes it tru luv…NOT.

    I have a friend whose first husband was a musician as his night job. Cheater. And I’ve met many a nut case therapists.

  • Asscrack, Illinois HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA I’m sorry, but that was worth breaking the schmoopie-watch ban for. Oh I laughed so hard. The poor thing… you can tell she is already being kept awake at night by Tommy’s triangulations…. or dodecahedrons by now. Ohhhh, she is going to regret this.

    Best of luck to the chump in this situation. Hope life is better on your own, and thanks for the laughs. xx

  • Hi Chump Nation,

    Thank you for all your incredible comments and feedback. The validation is incredible. This “Valentine’s message” was posted in Feb 2019 and indeed was sent by a shared acquaintance who probably had her own demons she was fighting and thought she was being helpful. I’ve since blocked all FB & IG accounts of the two of them, the ex’s family, the AP (now wife), and shared friends who were really his all along. No one shares anything about them with me anymore and I’ve worked hard to build a loving, fun and supportive group of friends of my own and it’s proof that NO CONTACT is the only way to go. With it, the scab is finally covering the wound and the once deep, searing pain is now much more dull and life has really moved on even though the scar and the sadness of it remains.

    Love to you all out there and your mightiness!!!

    • It’s so awesome to hear you’re doing well. I wish you a lifetime of not reading shit like this and being happy.

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