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Meeting the OW for the First Time

Hi Chump Lady,

I have a problem that I am really struggling with. What do I do when I meet the ex and the OW at an event for the first time?

A little background: was married 28 years , the last 2 years consisting of D-days and reconciliations. I smoked hopium and played the pick me dance: until I finally gave up, moved out, and filed for divorce. Our children were grown so I was able to do no-contact, I have actually not laid eyes on him in over 4 years, when I left, I never looked back.

Since then, there have been occasional texts and calls regarding family. We have become been polite and accommodating to each other when we communicate, with no longer any anger or animosity. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and fellow chump and am very happy!! The cheater has moved in with the OW (who was also married when they met) and is living with her. We seemed to have both moved on with our lives apart.

I will have to meet her for the first time, and see them together for our grandchild’s first birthday and a wedding we will all be attending. The thought of seeing them, and having to interact at all makes my stomach hurt and I get angry. I am usually at meh, this has shown me meh happens in stages and this is a new stage I will have to get through. Like it or not, my ex and I will be joined forever through our children.

What advice can you give about this situation? How do I look at them without the disgust showing on my face, or is it best to just ignore them? Most of my anger is directed at the OW, meeting her will be tough. I would really appreciate some help!!


Happy Chump

Dear Happy Chump,

The pick me dance is over. She won a cheating fuckwit. You got a new life.

Do you feel like she won? The smartest thing you ever did was to exit the Fuckwit Thunderdome. She’s still in it! Competing for fuckwit prizes. I’m sure she’s not thrilled to make an appearance at these events, explaining how she fits into the picture. I’m sure he thrills to her pick me dance with his former life.

Don’t give these people any centrality. Enjoy that wedding, revel in your grandchild’s first birthday. Take your rightful seat at the table.

I know the OW is still the awful person who conspired in your abuse. But she does not deserve ANY power over you to ruin special events or a casual grocery store encounter. Exorcise that demon.

Treat the OW with all the polite indifference you’d give your local county tax assessor. You don’t have to dramatically snub her, ignore her entreaties to pass the canapés, or openly shun her. That’s kibbles. Just yawn in her general direction. She’s not the most fascinating person in the room. I doubt she’s going to sashay across the floor and seduce the caterer.

You don’t have to interact with your ex or the OW (oh, I think someone needs help in the kitchen! gotta scoot!) or sit next to them, or pretend to be friends. You just have to endure their presence.

You can do that. Especially with Mr. Wonderful by your side. Are you happy, Happy? Wouldn’t you rather be married to Mr. Wonderful than your cheating ex?

The OW and your ex were just the catalyst to your better life. You don’t owe them anything for that. All the resiliency is on on you. But you don’t need to let them drag you down either. He’s someone you shared some history with, but not values. She’s a nitwit who shares his shallow worldview.

Turds may appear in the punchbowl, doesn’t mean you have to drink the punch.

Enjoy the parties.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Yep.

      The few times we (H and I) at the grand children’s events; if I passed them, I would just nod. Once the whore stood there talking for a few minutes, the fw fumbled and avoided eye contact. I just looked for an opening and said well, have a great day. I was always so surprised at how small my ex looked to me after we D’d. I mean physically small. He was never very tall, but he was a couple inches taller than me. After the split he looked like he shrunk/shrank. Whatever the right word is.

  • Yes, CL.

    Added thought: Take breaks. Maybe a little walk around the block. Break up your energy with fresh air and distance. It’s a subtle reminder to your psyche that you are there but not imprisoned there, and it will help you stay resilient and “gray rock”.

    If pressed, the CL cool/bummer/wow technique for teen management works well on idiot exes and affair partners, too. ????

    Then take that break to shake them off! You are mighty and you can do this. ⭐

  • “Do you feel like she won? The smartest thing you ever did was to exit the Fuckwit Thunderdome.”

    What actually bugs me, is the fact that Fuckwit and Ms. Fuckwit “think” they won, that they feel rewarded for being fuckwits.

    • You don’t control what stupid people think. If they think that’s winning, what they’re projecting are their own awful values.

      So, if you’re actually resilient, and didn’t do anything to be ashamed of (chumps!), why would you project fear and NOT winning?

      • Flies think they hit the jackpot when they find a pile of shit.

        It’s all a matter of perspective.

      • Yes, very valid points. Thank you for this perspective.

        *pauses to psychoanalyze self* 😉

        I think in my particular case, I feel this way because I lost so many years of my life, half my time with the kids, and my financial stability. I lost the ability to trust people and I gained a 747 worth of emotional baggage. (That’s where the fear comes in. How could I have been so blind/stupid/trusting?) Looking back he was an abusive, narcissist, jumbojerk…. but, I fell for it all and thought I needed to work harder to fix our issues. I now know how wrong I was, but it still remains a huge mindfuck. 16 years of hell take a toll on the mind, body, and soul.

        Now I’m seeing him happy, financially stable, treating schmoopie to fancy vacations, new lakefront houses, and my kids, and I end up feeling like the loser in the situation.

        I know at the end of the day, I’m better off. But, man. I guess I do feel fear of him still, and like the loser in the situation. Good call, CL. I have more work to do.

        • Notice how you are comparing what you THINK his life is like to the struggles you are having to live authentically and rebuild a life on solid ground.

          Think of it this way: imagine a 20-year old basketball player who is a legend on the local playgrounds, just shooting the ball, dunking, and talking smack. Then imagine another 20-year-old playing college ball, getting up at 6 am to work out, watching his nutrition, practicing with the team, improving on offense and defense, studying film, etc. Both are playing basketball, but on vastly different levels and with much different possible outcomes. The college player will have opportunities to grow and develop that the playground player will never have. The college player will make lifetime relationships and gain an education that will lead to a better life.

          My point is that you are living on a different level than the X and OW–or at least you have that opportunity, if you don’t keep your values on the fuckwit level. The more you look at him and how he lives, the more you keep your own self stuck on that shallow level. His immediate gain is a bakehouse. Your immediate gain is that you now see that life is not what you thought it was. You have a chance to live on a higher level, but to do that you must stop comparing. What’s possible for you now is not about money or status.

          Meanwhile, stop beating yourself up about what you didn’t know. Learn from your experiences and start living the new life outside the Fuckwit Thunderdome.

          • *lakehouse, not bakehouse. Sorry but maybe bakehouse sort of fits for his half-baked life…

        • 25 years and four kids – I was blindsided. It’s been 6.5 years now and I have built a wonderful life— my kids and I have great relationships, my career is better than ever, I have meaningful volunteer work, my health is good, I continue to learn how to be happy and content with life on life’s terms. I KNOW XH and all of the APs completely suck.

          However, I also refuse to think “ I lost so many years of my life,” “my financial stability” “the ability to trust people….”. Why think those thoughts? They do not serve me.

          Instead I think:
          “I always loved my life and my family and I still do— XH sucks and that’s his problem”
          “I believe in my ability to add value in the economic world and therefore my financial stability will always be available to me”;
          “I trust my intuition and now I listen to it and when people show me through their action who they are-/ I can walk away if it isn’t compatible with me.”

          Thus will take time but it helps to reframe the narrative. Empower yourself. Take back your agency. That’s the key to reaching Meh.

        • Don’t compare your insides to their outsides. Grab a copy of The Covert Passive Agressive Narcissist. Read about who he is in that book daily.

          They are good-looking fucked up. She went for a lying cheating traitor. He got a woman who fucks around with married men. No victory there. They set up camp inside the Red Flag Factory. No thank you and I’ll bet you feel the same. He is not who I thought he was and that means no one gets him because he only existed in my mind.

          Two losers don’t add up to winning. No relationship is problem-free. When it comes to relationships, I can’t think of a more idiot move than cheating.

          Once again, I’ve gotten news that a relationship that began as an affair has ended with divorce involving cheating, and the male
          half of the couple committed suicide.

          Cheating is the biggest red flag in the known universe. I feel defrauded and ripped off, but I have zero desire to have anything to do with him, and no one on this planet has enough money to pay me to date him.

          • “They set up camp inside the Red Flag Factory.”

            All true. FW in an uncharacteristic moment of self reflection said of OW, “We could never be together because we could never trust each other.”

            So tragic ????

            He had no problem telling me I had to trust him again though ???? and when and how

            • “He had no problem telling me I had to trust him again though ???? and when and how”

              Well sure because he deserves a trusting faithful spouse, you don’t. These FW’s would never put up with what they heaped on us.

              • “These FW’s would never put up with what they heaped on us.”
                So true!

        • I got this somewhere and saved it. FYI…..

          “Karma is coming this way. Just wait for ur turn.
          “The betrayed wife, after discovering an affair, takes such a hit to her self-esteem, and she questions what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to her husband. Was she sexier? Was she better, somehow? Why did the other woman get the best parts, when she was left with the worst of her …wayward husband? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not better, or more attractive. She does not get the best parts of the husband.
          What’s attractive about this the other woman is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure wayward husband wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to take down. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath him, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you, the faithful wife. You’re beautiful, and strong and probably the mother of his children. The truth is, the other woman could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little that wayward husband offers to them.
          She accepts the very worst parts of the wayward husband; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash and has no conscience. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.
          Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down. The other woman had to be broken deep inside in order to crawl in bed with a married man and except your leftovers instead of being strong enough to find an unattached man on her own. She had to be so broken to not care about you, the faithful wife, the children who would be wounded and all the lives destroyed by her actions and participation… and I bet she will not accept any responsibility for those actions. She will hold her hands up in false innocence when the curtain is pulled back to reveal the disgusting acts she committed against your family.
          Betrayed wife, hold your head high. YOU were strong enough to remain faithful and love a man who used your trust for his own selfish desires. He has devastated your life, but you can end the pain you are feeling. Use the strength inside you to pick up the pieces and begin living again. YOU are invincible in your strength and courage. Take a deep breath, dry your tears for the millionth time and carry on, my dear. Because nothing can keep you down for long.”

          • Thanks Velvet-a keeper to print out and put in my journal.

          • Wow VH. I’ve copied this. It’s brilliant and just what I needed. Thank you ❤️

          • Thank you for this Velvet. So true. I later learned my cheater ex was turned down by a smart woman and he then found the weakest in the pack to start an affair with. I later said to him “really, her?” (We used to talk about her so many issues) He looked embarrassed. And later broke up with her. Anyway I don’t care how they appear. Their actions speak volumes.

            • I remember the first time my ex fw told me about schmoopie (when she first became his direct report) He said she is kind of rough acting, and not real smart; but she loves animals. I don’t know if he was fucking her yet or not, but likely it was soon after.

              Honestly I think she offered it up as NSA sex and he went for it. Being the idiot he evidently was, he didn’t stop to think, oh wait she is my employee; maybe I shouldn’t shit where I eat. I am sure she wasn’t his first fruit broad, but she got that brass ring. Took her at least three years, maybe six, but she got it.

              I was very angry at myself that they screwed around for so long and I didn’t have a clue until the last year to year and a half when I started noticing things.

              • That’s the thing, not all OW’s are ok with crumbs.
                Some set their sights on your husband and your fuckwit has no boundaries and gets off on the kibbles… and the OW is determined to get the cake not crumbs. Some of these OW’s are as highly manipulative as your fuckwit. They simply think your husband is a good deal and it’s a free country.

              • The OW in my case tried very hard to win my husband. She stopped at nothing and I got to witness it all in her emails that I found thanks to my husband leaving himself logged into his gmail. She is a total dumbass but she would do anything and I mean anything for my husband including fawning over him and telling him how perfect he is, giving him money, dressing exactly how he wants, etc. He completely fell for it and it’s very pathetic. He actually compared me to her like a child would with his little playmates. “She likes me more then YOU do. She’s nicer to me then YOU are. SHE will do whatever I want and YOU won’t.” It was bizarre and scary and it felt really, really sick and disordered. They’re still together 3 years later.

              • Oh the whore in fw’s case was on his scent like a hound. It was before texting, but he had a work cell phone and she called constantly. I would hear him talking late at night, then he would come in and say “I am going to go ride around with the guys” (he was a police officer)

                She played the long game, and gave him enough rope to hang himself.

                My guess is there were several whores before her, but they didn’t work for him.

                She was NOT going to let go of that meal ticket. He had spent tons of money on her, while I was scrounging saving and working my ass of, she was working her ass. Tell me she isn’t a whore.

                She definitely won the pick me dance, and thank God for that. Other wise I would be the one living in a broken down trailer in Florida with over 80 thousand dollars of debt and no way to pay it.

                I didn’t pick me dance for long, but it pisses me off that I did at all. Though I guess you could call the year I was getting treated like shit pickme dancing, even though I didn’t know he was cheating until the last three months. I was definitely dancing around trying to figure out how to get him to stop being so nasty and wondering wth was wrong with him.

          • Velvet Hammer
            I’m reading this late at night but beautifully
            put. You described exactly how the late Owhore participated in coming into our marriage of 35 years and didn’t care how much pain she caused. She thought she won
            the prize what she got was a narcissistic low life dirtbag of a man. They both laughed and
            tormented me upon discovery but karma stepped in and she passed away few years later.
            He found another victim 2 months after her death and is living with her as we speak.
            He doesn’t want to live alone. Any Port in the Storm. ????

        • Chumparoo, I get it–I thought all the same things. I try to remind myself of the saying, “comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s hard to come back from a long term abusive marriage. I was married for 24 years. Take all the time you need to heal and don’t judge yourself if you think you are taking too long. You aren’t the loser here, you took action to reclaim your sanity and your freedom. I’ve been separated 10 years, divorced 8, and today I finally went on my first date. If things don’t work out it will hurt, but at least I know I can do just fine without a significant other. Do the work and take joy in discovering yourself <3

          • How did my comment wind up here? I hope Chumperoo gets to see this!

    • Yep, I get the same victory lap pose when my daughter has school events. Worse, I haven’t started even trying to date and it’s been over a year. Covid makes it tough. So I show up alone while the FW and her A*swipe parade around with a few extra flying monkeys in tow. No matter what I do or where I sit, they make sure to be within my line of vision where they whisper, giggle, and glance my way. Now my daughter has gotten to the point of asking me not to attend events because she feels awkward when her friends wonder who her mom is with. Oh well … I guess they did win. I’m thinking of taking early retirement and moving out of state. That way when I don’t attend events, their narrative of me being so bitter that I can’t even show up (no one knows the kid asked me not to) won’t stand. I can just be disappeared and replaced like the last 20 years never happened. No turd punch for me, thanks.

      • Double Chumped,

        This makes me sad.

        Sure, I know it seems as if they won, but they didn’t. They are truly awful people who are stuck with each other. I know they are awful because they cheated and because they continue to try to abuse you at events, making sure you are in their sights and carrying on like two middle schoolers.

        I doubt people like this are truly happy. So take some comfort in that.

        Moving away might make sense (I did this), but what about having a talk with your daughter? I mean, perhaps instead of telling you to stay away, she should tell her mom to behave better and tell her friends that her mom is with the boyfriend that she started dating when she was still with your dad. Hence the divorce. Another idea: alternate attendance at events.

        I would hope that your daughter could also explain that while it might be awkward, she wants you around because, dammit, you’re her dad and she loves you.

        I just don’t think you should have to be the one to make yourself scarce.

        Hold your head high, DC! Good luck.

        • Your daughter needs an intervention. If she’s so immature that she can’t explain that her mother has a boyfriend, you haven’t finished the job with her. At the very least, you need to tell her that her behavior is unkind and cowardly. You can make it clear that you want to be a part of her life, and that she’s hurting you by asking you to stay away.

          Sometimes our pride makes us give in to ridiculous requests. And whatever you do, don’t let FWs convince you to take early retirement and move elsewhere, unless you have already developed a better life to go to–better job, nicer weather, friends.

          The other thing you can do is invite daughter and her friends/family to your home or out to a dinner somewhere. Make your own relationship with her. You can also find a female friend to be a plus-one at these events. You don’t have to be dating that person. You can reciprocate by escorting her to places where it would be more fun to have a +1.

          Live your life. Don’t put so much emphasis on what the X is doing or what Daughter wants. What do YOU want? Don’t build your life around fuckwittery. That’s what the “gain a life” portion of the program is all about.

          • I want to add that when I was 13, there was a big feud going on in my family and my parents were on the outside looking in, to the point where some of my relatives wanted me excluded from things like church choir. I was in school with my cousins, who carried the feud there. It was tough at that age.

            But I kept my head up and didn’t allow myself to be chased away. I was the only person in my family who kept going to church, stayed in the choir, kept my head up in school. I went alone to an aunt’s funeral at age 14 because in my mind it was the right thing to do and no on could keep me away.

            So I think you, as an adult with far more resources than I had at 13 and 14, can decide to conduct your life as you see fit, without regard to a bunch of immature and selfish individuals destroying your happiness. and by the way, my chief cousin tormenter? Now one of my best friends and essentially fills the role of a sister. So things change.

      • I’m spitballing here, but my siblings and I heaped a lot more shit on my mom than my dad because in our situation she was the sane one. I know at times she found it unfair that we would just leave our dad alone, but we honestly didn’t think he could take it and we knew she could. That may be the reason your daughter is asking you to stay away but not tell her B of a mom to not come to games with the OM.

        I don’t know how old your daughter is, but she’s clearly a minor and even an older teenager doesn’t have great tools to navigate such an awful situation. Alternating games would be a good solution but it is dependent on agreement from the FW and you may not get that. Figure out how to support her without removing yourself from her life and leaving her to the couple with horrible values. She may not even want you to make yourself scarce. I remember testing out where I stood with my parents quite often. Fear of abandonment stuff. I would have been crushed if they actually just left me.

        • LC, this was absolutely the case in my house growing up. Actually, still is. My dad was emotionally and verbally explosive (and every likely a cheater, too). My mom did/does all kinds of spackling, which also meant a lot of well-intentioned gaslighting of her kiddos. Still, she is the sane and caring one, and we love her to death. She’s also the one we dare to disagree with, get angry with, communicate honestly with, etc. We are much closer with her, too, and share an authentic and tight bond that we do not share with my dad.

      • Double, Ugh…. some kids are more sensitive than others… I know one of my kids was also embarrassed I having her parents sit separately and wanted me to sit beside her dad at all sports games, events etc. – thankfully we were both single at the time , but I hated it.
        I agree with the other chump who wrote something to the effect that children will ask the safe/sane parent for what they need. However they don’t always know what they need. If I was that kid I’d probably benefit from hearing something to the effect that I was very special to my dad and although attending special events in this manner-is not what sane parent had hoped for – it is what it is, and that sane parent did not want to miss out on his child’s moments because his child is incredibly important to him.
        If the X is carrying on this way you have further proof that she’s a triple layered fuck wit. Don’t let them rob you of the moments that will be gone before you know it.

      • DC,
        I know exactly what you’re going through. My ex-wife parades around with her sparkle dick all the time. They cannot leave each other’s side. What makes it worse is that sparkle dick was her employee, our neighbor, and one of my fellow youth coaches. (He is no longer allowed to coach since I am the head coach of all the sports my kids and his kids participate in.) I do get lucky every so often. If she or her sparkle dick cannot make it, then neither show up. So they miss the kids events because they cannot leave one another alone by themselves. I have no one else so I go alone when I don’t have my kids. Been that way for 3 years now. At first it sucked but it does get easier.
        They have also alienated my 2 oldest sons from me. My boys both know what their mother has done. My oldest son graduated from college on Saturday. Well I found out about it on Friday night. Guess what? I still showed up. Six hours round trip. Hopefully one day they realize that dad was always there for them no matter what.
        That is my advice for you DC. Show up for your kids even though it sucks a big bag of dicks. They need to see what a sane parent looks like.

      • Double Chumped,

        Don’t run away from those events. Show up not only alone but alone and proud! I have no partner and it pleases me to no end knowing that I can live my life without a relationship. My X has never been alone or single since… well, high school. I doubt he could manage to live with only himself for company; he will always show up to events in the future with a partner and a harem of friends. I will not. I’m on my own and I’m pretty darn proud of that. I invite you to be proud of your autonomy as well. It’s not a sign of shame; it’s a badge of honor.

      • Wow, time for a talk with your daughter. Her mom is embarrassing her, and she asks you not to attend?

        Ask her why you should be punished for her mom’s behavior. Ask her if she thinks that is fair. Tell her you are hurt. Ask her if she has talked to her mom about being embarrassed. Ask if she needs any support in communicating with her mother.

        If she is a teenager, she can understand actions and consequences. She can understand hurt feelings. Call her out on her hurtful bullshit.

      • Not to give you unsolicited advice, but I’d tell your girl that if she has a problem with her mum’s behaviour then to bring it up with her mum. Teens can be very selfish, but you should let her know that’s not a very fair way to treat people

      • Oh DC my heart goes out to you. What a mindf*ck coming from your daughter! My ex had a similar situation when he was a child dealing with his parent’s divorce. His mom made the siblings tell their dad they didn’t want to see him anymore (because it wasn’t fun to have 4 kids, on Sunday afternoons, visit a small apartment that was not kid-friendly with a dad who had no idea how to handle them.) So one Sunday when they were supposed to go with their dad, they met him on the driveway and said they didn’t want to go that day or ever again. And you know what, he went away! Everyone was upset but he didn’t press it and acquiesced to their wishes. Somehow deluded himself it was the best thing for the kids. Within a year, he moved halfway across the country for a new job and they all didn’t talk for 10 years.

        It messed with my ex and the siblings. They asked him to go away and he did. Doesn’t matter about the circumstances it came down to that simple perspective. The guilt and anger built up and never got resolved. They were just starting to meet slowly with visits and phone calls but the big conversation addressing the abandonment never happened because he died unexpectedly. When the siblings went to clean out his office, they were amazed to find pictures of them all over the office and the people who worked there knew all about each of them. Their dad had kept tabs on them and talked about them with such pride.

        It’s a sad story and who knows the damage it did. But our fabulous MC counselor was the one who framed it as “you told him to away and he did”. Really from a child’s perspective, it is as simple as that.

        Please don’t burden your daughter with that sort of guilt, confusion, and anger. Stand up straight and tell her wild horses couldn’t keep you out of her life and you certainly won’t go away because of the stink eye from her mom or her friends. She might roll her eyes but the message will comfort her.

        There is a world of difference between keeping a low profile and slinking around in shame. You are her father and you have a right to be part of her life. Don’t let anyone steal that from you – including your daughter. If you remain the sane parent, she will come to see that as she matures.

        Big hugs to you Double Chumped. The game is long and it is not easy and often feels like the deck is stacked against you. But it is also worth the effort to stand your ground and do what you want. I like the idea of finding a plus one if you need some support. Finding ways to make it easier for you is a great goal. I also think there is a lot to be admired of someone who just keeps showing up despite the challenges.

      • “No matter what I do or where I sit, they make sure to be within my line of vision where they whisper, giggle, and glance my way.”

        I guess their brain maturity never went beyond junior high. Disgusting behavior. I’m betting your daughter would never even consider asking her mother to sit her narc ass home with the other man and not attend a school event. Your daughter has been groomed enough by narc mom to know there would be severe ramifications, like a discard by mommy dearest. Double Chumped you should attend the events, head held high and refuse to be a victim. Someone has to teach your daughter that it’s ok to stand up to narc mom.

      • Think about how many chumps endure too much to save a marriage that shouldn’t be saved and then think about what it must be like for a kid who wants to maintain a relationship with a parent, no matter how damaging their behavior is. How about we cut the teen a little slack here. And I’m not saying the teen should just yield to the mom here. I’m saying she likely needs even more help navigating toxic relationships than us adults do, and we need a lot.

    • My go to for this is my therapists voice in my head when she responded to my “whore won”.

      She literally flinched and screamed: “She didn’t win. She got HIM”

      He’s a sparkly turd.

    • Chumparoo,

      I understand your point but the counter is about what YOU PROJECT (even if you still feel the pain of rejection, which is understandable EVEN though you would not want to be married to the FW now).

      There are times I don’t want to attend a party yet I can feel a bit miffed at not being invited. Same thing.

      He’s NOT the winner but I can see why you’d hate thinking HE/THEY think they are the winners.

      The only thing YOY CAN do is project your own sense of integrity and victory -even if a part of you has to fake it til you make it.

      So hold your head high, FULLY & freely enjoying the family events.

      As for how much time and energy you spend on the FWs,

      make as much time for them as you would spend with a neighbor who never picks up their dog’s shit.

  • I agree with all the above except add:

    Go out and get a new dress/clothes and make sure your hair and makeup looks great! If for anything, for your own self esteem.

    Also, make sure either your fiancé or a good friend/family member is with you. You need the support. Afterwards, go do something for yourself or fun.

    Good luck! CN has got your back!

    • Yes, this, great advice. Make sure there is another happier plan after to look forward to. Love this advice!

      • Yes, having a wingman to cut them off or steer you out of there would be useful.

  • Happy Chump – congratulations to you for all the milestones and new life adventures that await you minus one cheating fuckwit and the OW. I had an event about a year ago where Mr. Sparkles was going to be in attendance with his current GF/co-mortgagee (the OW had dumped him for cheating on her and he had this poor woman lined up in days and moved in to her house within six months). It was a baby shower for my stepson and they thought to invite me and my son (who is the uncle to the baby). We went and it was lovely.

    I am no-contact/grey rock as I still have to co-parent for 4 more years, but I have not spoken to Mr. Sparkles since our last day in divorce court in 2016 and even then I didn’t speak to him as much as at the divorce lawyers confirming that it was over and I could leave. I rely solely on email and the random text. I have no opinion for his GF except that my heart breaks for her having to be the hypotenuse to Mr. Sparkles, but I don’t need to be her friend.

    There is no need to interact with your X and the OW anymore than you would any other guest with whom you have nothing in common or nothing to say. The events you are attending are about the guests of honor, not the cheating fuckwits… put your attention there. I’m thinking of the movie Madagascar where the penguins have just been caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing and the one penguin says, “Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.” You don’t owe anyone anything, you are 4 years out and building a awesome new life… keep on living it!

  • Great advice! I haven’t had to encounter my ex or the OW but do worry about some event in the future. Ugh.

    Someone here once posted what I think is a great line+move: Calmly say, “You must know what I think of you,” then walk away. I like imagining myself trotting out this line with indifference and a shrug. Perhaps a form of in-person NC is better than this, but it comforts me to have a line at the ready in case there’s an unavoidable face-to-face meeting.

    If cheaters have any shame (do they?), then they’ll be the ones who want to slip under the table, unnoticed.
    Happy Chump, claim your space! Own the room. You won! Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!

    • Or…

      “Well, you know what they say. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. So I’m just going to head over that way.”

      • hahaha! Love this!! I’ll add it to my list of one-liners.

        I could use it on my MIL, too. This evil woman wanted me to “get over it” and “move on” only three weeks or so after Dday. At that time, she met with the OW and thought she was “nice” and TOLD ME SO!! GD dammit.

        She also cloaks herself in religiosity. The worst. “If only God would fill your heart with forgiveness.” No thanks, bitch.

        One of the biggest perks of this entire betrayal and divorce trauma is not having to deal with that woman ever again. I truly can’t say anything nice about her. Also, her son is a chip off the old block.

        • S@35,

          My MIL (who I actually get on with very well) told me the same thing about Ex-Mrs LFTT’s AP. As an ex-chump herself, I thought she would know better, but I was wrong. I simply explained to her that “Nice guys don’t have affairs with married women” and left it at that.

          At least she had the grace to apologise.


            • S@35,

              I was on a roll that day. I also had to explain that youngest daughter wasn’t “struggling to deal with how quickly Ex-Mrs LFTT moved on.” I put in words of one syllable that youngest was in fact struggling to deal with the fact that Ex-Mrs LFTT had an affair, got caught (by the kids), lied about it, refused to accept responsibility, left the kids and I, and then forced the kids to meet her AP before they were ready.

              I have to say that I was disappointed that my MIL (who was horribly chumped by her late husband) would contemplate supporting Ex-Mrs LFTT’s narrative rather than what she knows is the truth. That said, she now knows better than play her daughter’s BS back at me or the kids.


        • I’m pretty sure adultery breaks a few commandments. F-cough MIL.

    • Right there with you Spinach. I will use that same line but it’s been 5 years and we haven’t run into each other and the one family wedding that took place I was not invited to( his f’d up family). What I want to say is “oh yes the husband f#cker), but I’ll say “surely you must know what I think of you” and walk away.

    • Love that! “Oh I’ve heard so much about you!” might also be a good exit line.

    • “Someone here once posted what I think is a great line+move: Calmly say, “You must know what I think of you,” then walk away. I like imagining myself trotting out this line with indifference and a shrug.” This is perfect. (I can imagine doing this while channeling Bette Davis and I like it even more.)

  • You don’t have to meet her, greet her, speak to her, acknowledge her. No, you really don’t.

    There has been no actual sighting of them together, if they are still together. The only thing I have ever said to her, after I discovered they were living together, I left on the Facebook page (she has a few) where she uses my last name. I said, “Stay at least 50 miles away from me and my daughter.” She now verified to be at least 50 miles away from me and my daughter. That’s all I needed to say and all I will ever say to her.

    We own a business together and at the last company event, I stayed on the opposite side of the room. It’s best that way.

    Miss Manners has said I don’t need to be concerned with the feelings of people who have shown they have no regard for mine. Where it gets tricky is when there are children. For my daughter’s sake, I am civil if I have to speak to him. I do not have to speak to any OW ever. She’s not the parent.

    When people intentionally hurt you at this level, you get a gold medal if you are civil to them, and if you need to stay on the other side of the room and not speak to either of them, you are being civil and IMHO entitled to that choice. They chose to use a flamethrower on you and your family.

    Anyone who criticizes me for not “being friends” they can go to hell as they do not recognize adultery as abuse, and I will be GD’d if I am going to teach my daughter that adultery is OK, just a scratch, and that I should be friendly with the assailants

    BTW, any civility I show them is for ME, not them. If he’s going to talk smack about me, it’s going to have to be a lie. They are desperate to prove what he said about me is correct. Sorry, Mofos. You’re not getting any ammo from me.

    • “Anyone who criticizes me for not ‘being friends’ they can go to hell as they do not recognize adultery as abuse, and I will be GD’d if I am going to teach my daughter that adultery is OK, just a scratch, and that I should be friendly with the assailants.”

      YESSS!!!! A thousand times yes!!!

    • Velvet Hammer, that’s perfect. I needed this. Ex is marrying the OW next month (without the children, who haven’t even met her!) and I am dreading being in the same place as them someday. Thanks for all the good advice

  • My daughter in law just recently told me how much she appreciated how gracious I was at her and my sons small wedding. (many years ago) My H and I went, (we hadn’t married yet) Honestly, I remember the wedding, and the reception at their friends house; but I barely remember interacting with them. I do remember that they were late for the wedding, but only because my son said something about it to me after the wedding. He said thank you for being here and on time. He said I should have known dad would have to make an entrance.

  • My question would be; why does she even get to go to the birthday party? After all, she isn’t family. She isn’t even step-family, as she’s not married to the fw, or engaged, she’s just the homewrecking cretin he’s shacked up with. She has no right to take part in grandchild birthdays, as she’s nobody to that child. She gets to actively conspire to break up a family, then play the we’re all one big happy family at kid birthday parties? Oh hell no.

    So I would send the fw a polite note stating that you aren’t comfortable with having somebody who is not family at intimate family celebrations, and requesting that for the sake of family harmony, he not bring her. Subtly lay on the guilt about not wanting your grandchild’s birthday spoiled by tension in the air. Sure, it will give him centrality, and piss them both off as well, but at this point, why should you care? What more can they do to you? Let him feel whatever he wants, let him puff up his pigeon chest and get off on the triangulation, as long as you don’t have to deal with her. You shouldn’t have to. If he marries her, then you might have to choke down that shit sandwich, but not yet.
    Now this is only if your grandchild’s parents didn’t specifically invite her, of course. If they did, you’ll have to suck it up, so find out. If they didn’t, he doesn’t have the right to bring an uninvited guest to their party.

    Now the wedding is another story. Guests are always allowed a plus one at a wedding, so you don’t really have a case for her not being there. However, it will be easier to avoid her with all the people there. If he introduces her, look right through her and paste a phoney, patronizing smile on your face, so it’s obvious to both of them you aren’t ever going to play happy family with them. If it turns out he insists on bringing her to the birthday party, do the same.

    I would also ask you one other question. Why is most of your anger directed at OW? He’s the one who betrayed you. Unless she was a friend of yours, her fucking your husband wasn’t personal. She’s just a bitch who does shit like that, and he’s stuck with a cheater just like she is. Are you are laying too much of your anger on her so you can remain civil to fw? Remaining civil to the fw isn’t crucial, since as you say, you hardly ever see him. So I’m wondering if you’ve let him off the hook by blaming her. If you equalize the blame more, it might make seeing her more bearable. It will probably make seeing him less bearable, but since you don’t have to do that often, why sweat it.

    • Miss Manners is clear that “plus ones” at weddings are not always allowed. They are not an obligation. There is criteria for “plus ones” and an invite if you don’t meet the criteria is gracious on the part of the bride and groom.

      • I was just about to point this out Velvet. The person(s) hosting and paying decides who is invited and who crosses the threshold.

    • OHFFS,

      If I said to FW that I was “uncomfortable” with FW bringing OW to an event, he would thrill in the kibbles! And bring her. Because that’s pure narcissistic fuel for him. He would love f***ing with me.

      But when we had a Bar Mitzvah for our son… I couldn’t control who would come to the service at the synagogue…. only the party I threw. I had a separate party to enjoy with my son and our friends and my family. FW was angry!! He wanted to barge in on that but he couldn’t.

      But I made clear that anyone could go to the actual Bar Mitzvah service at he synagogue. And as soon as it was clear that his whole family could go and OW too… he didn’t invite ANYONE! OW didn’t show up! Only his parents and one brother (who contacted me for the info) came. The blowhard was effectively deflated.

      The best thing you can do is not try to control any of it. It has taken me 6 years and I am finally learning this. And a friend said to just sing Paul McCartney in my head: “Let It Be.” When you shrug and say “I don’t care who you bring” — it’s not fun for them anymore.

    • Unlike many of the responses, I am also in the camp of “who says the cheating Other Person gets an invite?”. I may have a different view of the other person is not the one my spouse cheated with.

      I stated from the moment that I learned about the OW (his law partner and woman I thought was a family friend) that I would never be in the same place as her.

      The ex and I have 2 adult children and 1 (almost 2) grandchildren.

      She is not allowed to attend weddings, birthday parties or family events. He can come without her or not at all. He sticks to this since he knows no one cares if he attends or not.

      I graciously agreed to allow him at the first wedding because it meant a lot to my child.

      When I had to go to her to confirm that there was indeed an affair, I told her I never wanted to see her again. I meant it.

      At the same time, I am excluded from his family’s weddings and funerals. My children don’t go to much but I have come to respect when they do choose to go. That was very hard and took a few years to get to that point. She stays far away from my kids (they’ve known her since childhood) and never tries to approach them even when their father does.

      It all works for me just fine.

      • I should also add that this may be easier because my children were over 18 when the affair was exposed AND I only had to state this once, not for every event. No kibbles because the rule was set from the very beginning.

        • I told my own mother she would not be coming to my wedding if she didn’t quit badgering me about her boyfriend coming. He had crossed a serious line with me and was not invited. She tried to browbeat me into inviting him and I said, “He’s not invited, and if you don’t quit asking me you aren’t either.”

          My daughter who is now 14 has never been to my former in-laws house. Grandpa is a serious serious alcoholic and Grandma is an Olympic level codependent.

          Conduct dictates the rules, not blood.

      • I think whatever works as each person is different.

        I am sorry Rebecca I am unsure what ” I may have a different view of the other person is not the one my spouse cheated with.” means. Does that mean the woman he is with now is not the one he cheated with?

          • Thank you, Susie Lee.

            Yes, I did mean that I might have a different opinion IF the person he was with now was not the affair partner.

  • Ex-Mrs LFTT left 5 1/2 years ago. I have never met her AP and I have no wish to; given that the kids (now 24, 22 and 17) have (by their choice) very little to do with their mother and have chosen to minimise their exposure to the AP, he is an irrelevance as far as I am concerned.

    And to pick up on a comment made upthread. They may think they “won” but the kids and I know that they didn’t. I feel no need to explain this to them though; I’d rather that they continued their sparkly and isolated existence in blissful ignorance without disturbing the kids or I.


  • Confident grace could be your armour. 1) it gives you a few batfink layers of nonchalance and emotional distance.
    2) it will secretly drive ow crazy.
    Extra points if you throw in a well timed “oh bless your heart”.


    Saying nothing and not engaging actually takes more strength than hitting back in any way and that’s why it appeals to me.

    The worst thing you can do to a dog, and therefore the best thing you can to to an abuse accomplice, is WITHDRAW ATTENTION. The secret sauce that makes an affair taste so great is the triangulation, so if you take your corner out of the equation, the game can’t continue. That’s why cheaters keep cheating on their new targets. The traitor I was married to was on Tinder and still going to the illicit massage parlors while he was living with the Craigslist Casual Encounters “Sole Mate”.

    The chump, like the queen on the chessboard, has the most power in the cheating game, and like with chess, they can’t play if you’re not on the board.

    Deprive, survive, and thrive.

    • Great advice!!

      We shouldn’t forget our power in the cheating game.

      I can see myself pulling off awesome grace and not engaging, then going outside behind the venue to throw up.

    • When my grandson graduated from HS, my H and I sat on one side of the venue at the bottom of the bleachers, my son and the ex fw and his whore sat on the other side at the top of the bleachers. My son had come over to ask us to join him, but we politely said we want to be by the kids as they came through.

      Anyway, this was back a few years, and we had this really nice camera and H was taking some pictures. I took the camera and looked at where my son was sitting, there sat this really fat guy with a long, and I mean belly button long scraggly beard. It took me a minute and I realized that was my ex. Shocked me. Evidently that was soon after he retired and he did the growing a beard rebellion thing, like a teenager would do.

      Honestly I would have been ashamed to sit by him. Not because of his weight, he was already having health problems due to emphysema and CHF, but because he looked like a dirty old mountain man, that hadn’t cleaned up before going to town.

      When my granddaughter graduated, they sat up the bench above us and got into a fight with the woman sitting in front of them because his knees kept touching the woman, she said something and the fight ensued. Honestly, he had never behaved that way in public in all the years we were together. Oh he could be a bit hot headed, but he didn’t act like an ass.

      The only thing I can figure is he felt free with her to be a low life. I guess it is true they seek their own level at some point.

      My grandson after a few minutes got up and switched seats with him and apologized to the woman, and made a joke about these close quarters etc.

    • Yes, no more triangle if it’s only two of them. He’ll have to look for another leg.

    • I’m going to remember “Deprive, survive, and thrive.” Love it!

  • What has helped me most is surrounding myself with my friends and/or family members that know the story and want me to be mighty.

    When my son had his Bar Mitzvah a year and a half ago… I was nervous and scared. At my shul, women sit on one side and men on the other. I was going to have to face sitting on the same side as OW and FW’s mother (she’s hateful and angry — a narcissist in her own right. She doesn’t care what her son did… she re-wrote history to try to make me the bad guy and is nasty to me).

    So my female friends and family formed a fortress around me… plenty of friendly ladies to distract me and talk to me. I focused on my son and the people I love and smiled and laughed.

    And guess what? OW didn’t show up. Supposedly she’s so wonderful and blah blah blah… and she didn’t show up to support FW and be there for this big event for his son.

    And FW’s mom? She was huffy. And uncomfortable. And literally forced her way between me and my sister to walk between our chairs. It was childish and bizarre of her.

    Later I walked up to FW’s family and said hello. I found my inner grace and was polite and welcoming and then moved back to my family and friends. If OW had shown up, I hope I would have done the same…brief acknowledgement. When I’ve run into OW elsewhere, I smile and say hello. And she freaks out every time. For me it helps me remove the fear by facing it. And then you can also see how THEY can’t handle it 🙂 We have nothing to fear or feel bad about! We didn’t do anything wrong!

    Find your inner mighty. Surround yourself with loved ones. And smile and laugh. You can do this.

  • I was put in the position of being dominated by the other woman with no way of escaping: two years of school as a child. She the teacher. My parents dominated by the couple from hell: the partner of the other woman and the other woman.
    Thing is my parents were under a pattern of domination from their own family. Father was dominated by his father (enabling mother) and older brother. Mother dominated by her mother (enabling father) and her brother. They had their transposed life encounter with their authority figures. They never managed to get out of it.
    Domination and subjugation. My sibling and I were the children of the dominated.
    A neat way for the dominators to expropriate one of everything and take it for themselves. There was a child, how could there not have been. And a transfer of wealth, as it were.
    My father worked for everybody’s gain. The slave. Humiliated at every turn and not realizing it was the case. He lost everything of course. It was all blame-shifted onto us. And he tried to maintain a relationship with us, while beating us black and blue so to speak. My mother did the same, beating us black and blue, so to speak. The hatred for their families unacknowledged and displaced onto us.
    No way for us to get out. Any avenue towards independence destroyed. Took me some time to understand that people were subtly instigating us to prostitution by way of desperation. Because it is something that gives a lot of pleasure and superiority. Trying to make you fall into the gutter. My sibling tried to commit suicide.
    For many years it was a spectacle among the finest. People gloating over the pain of the fallen man. My father. So was his funeral; the gloaters gathered one last time.
    I married later and was abandoned by a man who I believe is also dominated by his FOO.

  • Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with this as a decade after I kicked him out, he’s still claiming to the family that he’s only the OW’s lodger and he doesn’t invite her to family events. Boy am I glad to be free of that Fuckwit Thunderdome.

    • “Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with this as a decade after I kicked him out, he’s still claiming to the family that he’s only the OW’s lodger…”

      What *is* it with this ‘lodger’ shite? Ex fucktard insisted to the Court, my solicitor, and me, that the rat faced whore was just his ‘lodger’!

      FFS. ????????????

      • And the RF whores are ok with being treated like that. It is truly a mystery.

      • Are those cheaters really stupid enough to think their families buy this “lodger” crap. I guess the cheaters found a way for the families not to hold them accountable. Major disfunction.

  • “The OW and your ex were just the catalyst to your better life.” Better to be free and poor than Chumped.

    The FW was the one that betrayed you. The OW could be anyone. That’s why I don’t blame the OW. I don’t ever have to meet the OW so I am grateful for that.

    • “The FW was the one that betrayed you. The OW could be anyone. That’s why I don’t blame the OW.”

      OK, the FW sucks *more*, but the OW is still a low life whore who sucks.

      Maybe you never had the experience of the OW staying in your home, pretending to be your ‘friend’?

      So yes, ex fuckwit is a lowlife turd, but so is the rat faced whore, and I will always loathe them both, because *both* of them lied to my face and played me for a fool.

      • Exactly. I get kind of tired of that old argument, “oh she made no vows to you, she doesn’t owe you anything” True and I owe her nothing. No respect, no pity, nothing. I do pity her now as he died and left her in a horrible mess; but I don’t owe it to her. She is lucky I treated her with cold respect at the few events we were at, same with him. He had the decency to duck his head and avoid looking in my eyes.

        Rat faced whore, sat her nasty ass on my couch when they were sneaking around behind my back, accepted lots of money and gifts for herself and her lazy assed teenagers, that she knew I was in part paying for. She is as guilty as he is.

        • I’m laughing about the Consequences Caravan running over that twat and backing up and over her for good measure.

        • Yes! Rat faced whore accepted all kinds of expensive gifts from the fucktard, the money for which *came out of our marital assets*!

          I hope they both burn in hell.

          • Yep.

            And given all I have read it is in the playbook for the cheaters to insert the adultery partners into the marriage and bring them around the family.

            I just found out a couple months ago that my fw took my young son to the whores trailer before he was even in high school, left hi8m outside playing with a racoon (she was the animal control person) while he went in the trailer. My son said he never thought anything about it until later, it crossed his mind in HS when he heard rumors, but of course he didn’t want to tell me.

            I am guessing when he got done fucking the whore he went outside and told my son not to tell mom about the racoon, because she would be upset. Which of course was true. But, it was his way of making sure his son didn’t rat him out.

            Don’t tell me that Fat assed ugly bitch isn’t just as culpable as he is.

            What is it about these men that want to bring the whore around his family, and why would the whore want to do it? Wonder if female cheaters do that too?

      • I feel like we’ve been around this blaming or not blaming the OW/ OM before! I simply cannot wrap my head around any chump not having disdain for the OW or OM. If your kid’s friend purposely hurt your kid, and the kid’s family cheered them on… wouldn’t you also have distain for the kid’s family?
        If the cheating partner knows the fuckwit is married The OW/OM at the very LEAST, cheers the fuckwit on. That’s how affairs happen.
        The cheating partner eagerly takes their happiness knowing that you are getting a pounding for it. You don’t need to make vows to somebody in order to not want to be a part of their abuse.
        Since when is making a vow the qualifying factor as to whether or not we feel anger/ disgust etc towards someone?

        • Well said.

          I wonder if so many folks are thinking oh well if she/he is blaming the adultery partner then they are not blaming the ap. It would be the rare chump who didn’t blame the cheater primarily. It does not excuse the adultery partner from complicity at the very least.

          Yes I know the rare unicorn of the ap who doesn’t know he/she is married. The numbers of those are insignificant.

          I also like this:

          “Since when is making a vow the qualifying factor as to whether or not we feel anger/ disgust etc towards someone?”

    • OW in my case stalked me for months, showing up where ever I went. This was before DD. And DD? That was when she phoned me at 1130 at night while I was lying in my bed, beside my fuckwit husband, completely clueless. OW has a history of targeting and sleeping with married men, then telling the wife. Sometimes these ladies are predators, not blameless bystanders. I have got such agoraphobia now, that I rarely leave my home. I live in fear that she will show up at my last sanctuary, my church, or that she will begin stalking my adult children who are unaware of the situation. We should not give any OW a free pass. There is an implied social contract in a marriage that ought to be honored by all members of a society, not just the two married participants.

      • I agree, Whitecoatburnout.
        Sometimes these women are predators.
        And sometimes they even operate with a male partner, Bonnie and Clide couple, out to destroy married couples.
        See my story above.
        I agree regarding: “We should not give any OW a free pass. There is an implied social contract in a marriage that ought to be honored by all members of a society, not just the two married participants.” Brilliantly stated.
        In my case, in childhood, customs had changed, it was the beginning of the 70’s and suddenly certain things were given a free pass. Only ten years earlier society would have frowned and my parents would have been protected by societal customs from the assault of the female sociopath/stalker (and her partner in crime, in my case).
        If there were serious societal condemnation of adultery and no tolerance for these predators, things would be very different.

        • In my case, the woman stalker insinuated herself as far as becoming my teacher in school. Sociopathic control freak.

          • And one day she brought to class her partner in crime to do a nice act of intimidation. It was actually physical albeit hidden under plausible deniability.
            Criminal racket had entered my personal life. I was ten years old.

    • I’m sorry but I despise this perspective. I actually knew a bunch of the OW and they pretended to be my friends while helping him abuse me. So they weren’t just anyone to me, they were women I considered friends and family. I’m pretty sure my own mother slept with him too.

      People owe each other decency. I don’t run up and kick the shit out of a homeless person and say, “Well, I never made a vow not to attack that homeless person! I don’t know him. I owe him nothing!” because I’m a decent human being. It’s not ok to abuse people just because you didn’t personally make a vow to them not to.

      • Well put KatiePig.

        I just don’t get why some people mouth this crap. OW are as scummy, spiteful and cruel as the dirty cheaters.

      • I also despise this perspective and wish it could be banned from this site! I wasn’t discarded for any woman, I was discarded for this director of fucking – I mean finance, who led the show ( I saw the correspondence ). The fuckwit made vows to me, but she helped to destroy my family.
        If someone robs a bank, we don’t say ‘let’s not blame them it could’ve been any old bank robber.’
        Even the fuckwits know their cheating partner is to blame as well.

        • Yeah, I think all should be free to express themselves, but yet I get tired of the occasional person swooping in and finger wagging people who are at the lowest time of their life to take up for whores (male or female).

          If a man punches his wife’s adultery partner, most folks wouldn’t say a thing and likely would understand his frustrations. Not saying he should but it does happen.

          If woman voices something not so pretty about a whore, she gets lectured. If they don’t owe us any civility, then we certainly don’t owe it to them. And sleeping with another woman’s husband is about as uncivil as one can get. In more ways than one.

          • Susie, I agree – great points -just my opinion but I feel that this site isn’t pro being sympathetic to cheaters or their accomplices.
            I could have easily in the past, shared the point of view of cutting the OW/OM some slack… but that was before I lived it. And,
            I feel that I’ve been educated by Tracy‘s point of view.
            Fuckwit supreme is the person who cheated on you. But now that I know the enormous costs to chumps, I can’t give their cheating partners a pass if they knowingly profited on the back of another family. If they’re old enough to know what is involved in a family … then they’re old enough to know better.
            They’re cut from the same cloth as the fuckwit – my 2 cents.

            • Agreed.

              And to take it further many of them in fact most of them, if stats are even close to accurate are involved with folks at their work creating legal and ethical issues for many others.

              They don’t care about that, or the folks who get hurt by their behavior.

              I don’t even want to think about how many times he screwed her in his office. I have no doubt he did because I know he liked to do that stuff. But, doing risky stuff with your wife isn’t nearly the kick of doing it with your employee.

              • I attended a yoga retreat and one of the studio’s regular students brought along a friend. This woman was divorcing her husband who dipped his wick at work. She ranted about this woman but I wondered where was her anger towards her husband.I know better now. She told me she wasn’t going to report the office shenanigans. If her husband lost his job it would affect her settlement.

                I’m surprised more women don’t haul off and land one hard slap ???? to the sidepiece’s face. Throwing a drink in their face works too.

    • Accountability for emotional, physical and financial abuse isn’t all or nothing. OW/OM are co-conspirators who willingly collude in the abuse that the FWs engage in.

      My (ex) FW had thrown me into a wall, destroyed personal property and had threatened harm to both myself and my pets, all with OW’s knowledge and encouragement. I’ve never met OW either and have no intention of doing so, because she is a violent, unstable individual who shared her sick fantasies of torturing and killing random women with FW and other men.

  • For me, it is different. After 4 “emotional” online affairs with different people, and with me constantly giving my forgiveness, I looked forward to the next affair. When it happened I took my out. Sure, I could have just left, but I wanted to move on with a clean conscience. And I did.

    Now when I think of either of them, it is with detachment. That OW filled whatever the x needed to leave me ALONE. I am glad that he has an object for his and that it’s NOT me.

    God bless the OW, long life, happy times and enjoy the dickwarts — sorry, speedbumps.

  • My son, 14, had brain surgery two years ago. That was 4 years post D day and thankfully the OW was long gone by that point. My Ex showed up at the hospital – first time ever and his son has had MANY surgeries that I took him for alone. He has a girlfriend with him. I just ignored them both. My former mother in law also showed up with her pastor in tow to pray for my boy. I was gracious to my former MIL and the pastor. I stood there for about a total of 5 min – thanking them for coming and listening to him pray, then excused myself because my friends were there for me and waiting. We left the four of them standing there in the lobby and went to the cafeteria to wait out the 4 hour surgery. I never spoke to the ex and he thankfully didn’t have the nerve to speak to me. The girl friend just disappeared at some point never to reappear, My friends are really great – they made sure the only time I had to be alone w the ex was in the recovery room and since I was totally focused on my boy that was no problem. Even once we were moved to a room for recovery one of them was always with me. The ex – he drifted away within an hour or so after my son moved to a room and never stayed for more than 30 or 40 min per visit for the 5 days we were in the hospital after that. I used those short breaks to leave the room and get a walk, some coffee etc. Actually in retrospect its kind of funny how little attention anyone paid to him, me, his son, the Dr’s, even his own mom. He was just like one of those extra pieces of equipment that always seem to be around in hospitals. No idea what they do, no one mentions them, they just take up space in a corner. I heard from his mom much later that he was upset no one was “there for him” during all this. I laughed so hard I snorted my coffee.

  • Don’t let any skank take away your delight at your childrens/grandchildren’s events.

    Is there a sister or cousin that will be present that you can buddy up with throughout the event? Make a pact ahead of time to stay together duing the event.

    Positive self talk will help “I am a Queen, I am pure Class, this day is about MY grandchild”

    Once you have gotten through the first event it should get easier in time.

  • I am so glad CL posted this today. I feel it’s my last remaining battle. I was married 27 years, it’s been 7 years since divorce was final. I am content, I feel I have gained a life. And I feel pretty meh at this point. No plans to partner up (in my late 50’s now) because I am having such fun on my own and love the freedom. All that being said I still live in dread of seeing ex and owife at the big events. I can feel the stress level rise in me just thinking about it. I have no trouble seeing or speaking with Ex on the rare occasion but seeing them together is what will bother me. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to dread college graduation or weddings etc. The plan will be to surround myself with supportive friends and family but dang it, I know I will feel the ptsd-like stress and anxiety. Wish my brain could control the emotions a little better. I will read all the responses today with great interest.

  • The anxiety leading up to these events is always worse than the event itself.
    There have been three weddings for our kids since divorce. I have always just kept to the business at hand and minimized contact with the FW. She would like to be friends and invariably tries to get chatty, but gray rock rules! I am guessing she has even more anxiety as she never seems to have a date to these events.

  • This was very timely for me. Thank you Happy Chump. I hope you’ll post a follow up so we can share in your mightyness!

    I have an upcoming wedding in September. FW will definitely be there and so will not 1, but 2 of his APs! Bride, FW’s daughter, doesn’t know about AP#2, a family “friend.” I will very likely be seated at her table.

    I am prepared to handle the situation with grace. Cool/bummer/wow/Oh that’s nice/You don’t say? Academy Awards here I come!

    It’s the hipocracy that burns an angry fire in my gut. Celebrating a wedding when you’re a cheater. Ugh!

    If either of the APs attempts to speak with me I can quietly inquire, “Why are you even here? Is it the free food? Because you obviously don’t believe in wedding vows.”

    Other than that, avoid contact like it’s a pandemic or something.

    • A couple-friend of ours disinvited my ex to their son’s wedding, which took place shortly after Dday. They said, “Why would we want someone at the wedding who doesn’t believe in marriage vows?” What made this even more significant is that the father of the groom is my ex’s “best friend.”


      • I am so envious of your friend relationships. My friends, colleagues and employees all knew and nobody cared enough for me to speak up. That hurts as much as the adultery..

        • So true.

          One of them said to me, “it wasn’t my place to tell you”. Flying monkey, no longer a ‘friend’. What enraged me even more was *she* had been chumped in her first marriage.

          Her second husband was fucktard’s one mate, and he was AOK with it – I sometimes wonder if she ever contemplates that, what it says about *him*.

        • Same here. I lost everybody. One mutual friend I thought would have my back told me she couldn’t be friends with me anymore if I went back to him. I could understand that except… she’s still friends with him.

          So she’ll be friends with him no matter what he does but I’m getting ditched if I get back together with him. Part of me wonders if she was sleeping with him too now. I’m just letting the friendship die and moving on with my life.

          • Ugh KatiePig,

            That’s awful. I’m sorry that happened. With friends like that….

            I hope you’re making new friends who are worthy of your friendship.

      • That would make a great scene in a movie. The officiant announces at the beginning of the ceremony that all people who broke their wedding vows are asked to leave so as not to contaminate the couple. Cameraman zooms in on guests looking ????

        • So true. Can you imagine? I thought it was so ironic when my H left me for his OW, then married her. Uh, didn’t you just break those same vows you made to me? Why would you make them again? I guess this one will be “different,” and maybe it will. The speed at which they move on is dizzying. My daughter’s graduation is this weekend, and this thread is helping me prepare! 🙂

          • This is what my son recently talked to me about. He said the thing I don’t get is why didn’t Dad just stay single, he obviously wanted to devote his life to himself, so why didn’t he just stay single.

            I said either he needed someone to control, or since she was his direct report he was between a rock and a hard place. Maybe both, maybe neither. But, yeah; had he stayed single after our D, he could have spent his money all on himself (well he pretty much did that anyway). And then just picked up women as he needed them (well he did that too).

            Honestly, marriage was never going to change who he was or how he lived his life. I think he just wanted someone who would just do what he said, and live with it. He likely found it in her. I was beginning to ask too many questions.

            Who knows.

  • My Fuckwit was a charming, fake, smooth type. He really knew how to work people. When I think of how CL said ignoring them is giving them kibbles, then I think if I was ever unfortunate enough to be near them, maybe I could go all out and be exactly like him – fake, super charming etc. But I don’t think I’d be able to stomach any interaction at this point.

    With Ex #1, I really and truly don’t know how his current wife can handle him. So it’s absolutely no problem to be around them because I’m just happy I’m not the one with him. I’d rather not be around him – just because now that I don’t have to be – I don’t want to be… I don’t even like the sound of his voice. But it doesn’t get to me at all, because I know I’m better off without him. So if you truly feel better off living without the fuckwit, casual indifference says it all.

  • Thank you for this! My 22 year old is already worried about her wedding for similar reasons- and she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. My 18 year old is forgoing high school walking the stage at graduation (mostly because he’s completely indifferent to such things)- but I confess, I breathed a real sigh of relief knowing that I would not have to deal with meeting the OW-now his wife.

    She will show up eventually, though, and this gives me the blueprint for managing.

  • Don’t even waste your time going to meet the other woman it will just be a joke trust me!????

  • At my sons wedding, I had to sit with FW at the family table. I was friendly in that I said hello. I danced and participated-he sat the whole time. After my son said he was so proud of me for being joyful and having fun at the wedding. Kept the focus on the main event not the side show

  • I met the OW at her deposition (and the whore gets to attend 3 days of trial). I didn’t speak to her.

    Ignore her. If she comes over to you, stare at her confused for a few seconds, and then turn or walk away. Maybe add a smirk.

    She will twist any comments you make into you being a bitter villain. Silence is your best weapon. Show them how insignificant they are.

    Queens don’t speak to whores.

    • I love, “Queens don’t speak to whores.” Although I did, but only very briefly.

      I’ve known my STBX’s AP for several years, but only very distantly. We came face-to-face at her deposition. For weeks I dreaded it, but it ended up being a bit anti-climactic.

      Like someone mentioned in an earlier post, I took the time to get hair and nails done, bought an outfit specially. She came in mismatched and looking like a clown. When she opened her mouth, it was like verbal diarrhea. I kept eye contact with her the entire time and my facial expression never changed. I think she kept waiting for me to lose it, but I didn’t give her the satisfaction. And, I knew she would report anything I did back to the ex.

      When it was all over, she asked to speak with me privately, but I took a junior counsel with me. Again, didn’t want the ex to be given any ammunition. She made her speech about how she was sorry, she couldn’t imagine how I felt, blah-blah-blah. I gave her the moment, let her speak her piece, and then told her if she was expecting my forgiveness at that moment to ease her conscience, that day was not her day. One sentence. My voice never shook, and I never dropped a tear.

      Now I truly understand the concept of “affairing down.” She’s got nothing to offer other than her cooking/cleaning/sex on demand/stroke my ego services. Good luck with all that.

      Adultery wasn’t the only reason I left, hunni. Buckle up.

      Just waiting for Karma.

  • Unbeknownst to me, I DID meet the OW once at a funeral, but I was still married and, of course, had NO idea my then-husband was having an affair, let alone with this nurse. We walked over to this group of women who were huddled together. My ex introduced us. I shook her hand and made funeral-appropriate small talk. Not sure if this made my ex orgasmic (the kibbles!) or guilty. Who the hell cares?

    He did seem to enjoy telling me after DDay that I’d met her at that funeral. F him.

    • My FW took me to the funeral of OW’s son, who had died of leukemia, before he began his affair with her. I didn’t know her and couldn’t understand why exactly we were there…at that time she was fucking the doctor who employed her, and she had that doctor acting as pallbearer while her husband buried his only son. Later, her employer passed her on to my FW. The men in our professional building passed that woman around like a case of beer at a tailgate party – at least until they found out she was telling all the wives what she was doing.

  • I’m always cordial to the newest girlfriends of Cheater#1 and the OW(plural) of Cheater#2. Drives them absolutely cra-cra and gives no credence to the narrative that Her Blondeness is a mean bitch. Actually, I do feel that being cordial is a kindness considering who they are dating. It’s the least I could do (insert eye roll and end sarcasm).

  • I used to worry about this too. I was married for 25 years and was stressed out about not only seeing OW at upcoming weddings, but having her be the step-grandmother to my future grandchildren.

    But then my ex- was in a really bad accident. I was the only one in our region that his contacts knew to call, so I was the first at the hospital. I had to call our kids (who lived in different states), his family and eventually, the OW, who still lived across the country. I stuck around the hospital for a few days to support the kids, and at one point the OW sided with the kids on a medical decision, against the wishes of one of his siblings. In the spur of the moment, without thinking about it, I hugged her and said I was grateful she was there. I still can’t believe I did that. But I was grateful for that, and still am.

    My ex- died. So I never need to worry about the weddings, the step-grandmothering, etc. But I’m glad that I took the high road throughout it all. I think that ultimately it helped repair my relationship with his family. Now that he’s gone, and some time has passed, I’m back in contact with them again. I’m even more grateful for that.

  • Pretend he and the twatwaffle are invisible. If the invisibility shield fails at any point, look at them through the times of your fork. And pretend they are both in prison.

    Because they are: and each has a completley abhorrent cellmate.

  • I honestly don’t think the cheaters have any thought about bringing AP to family events. Obviously they do whatever the hell they want and expect everyone is fine with whatever it is!!

    Married for 31 yrs and divorced 5 now I have made it pretty clear to my 3 grown kiddos that if they choose to invite the flavor or the month to special occasions (usually involving grand babies) then I probably won’t show. In the first few years after divorce I would have so much angst knowing Xh would be there. It just stirs up memories and triggers that I have had to remove myself from. Neither of us remarried and the last I heard he had met aspecial schmoopie on Match. Yay for him and she will find out on her own who is really is …maybe but I really dont care. Last year X’s dad passed away and I called to give my condolences. My x said please come to the services “everyone” would love to see you. OH HELL NO, that ended with the marriage. I took the whole family off my plate, they werent my tribe anymore. I knew it was just for image management anyway, but he ended up bringing along the new Match gf who didnt know anyone. My niece told me it was awkward and that all she had to say was “she WASN’T” me. Of course they would have rather seen me and not the stranger Match girl. Two of my 3 kids are married and have little ones and so far his gf has not been invited to anything. This will most likely change and if it does, I will have other plans.

    For my personally I will never act like we are all one big happy family. He knows clearly he is the outsider looking in, he has moved out of state and the adult kids see now that he choose his life now and they don’t cater to him. The worst thing said to me recently by a DIL who has met the Match girl was that she was the “slutty version of me”. Geez ……….. what a compliment! People are stupid and often think divorce is no big deal and just compare and judge and move on differently than us chumps.

    • That daughter-in-law needs to be schooled that cheating is domestic violence. Head scratcher. Was she trying to be funny ? Or does the current Match twat look like you ? I’m thinking of couples where the younger replacement looks just like the wife. Bizarro

  • You might discover that Schmoopie is the one who chooses not to show up because she fears being in a potentially hostile environment. Either way, you go, have a good time, and be polite if she does show up. Also, this is about your grandchild, not you and Schmoopie. Go into it with that perspective and don’t do anything to diminish that because you love you grand child and you want this to be a special day for him/her. If Schmoopie makes a fuss, don’t take the bait. Just act like you didn’t notice. All of that will make you look good no matter what Schmoopie chooses to do.

  • Oh Gawd. This is all still really new and fresh for me, but already I’m dreading the impromptu run-in while going about my business. I’m in the process of leaving and I went to his granddaughters 5th birthday party last Saturday. He was out of town and I would not have gone had he been there, but his mother (we are really close and knows a lot about what’s happening) asked me to go; I went knowing that this will likely be the last time I see the sweet girl that I’ve known since birth. I sat there wondering “will she remember me as she get older” and it made me really sad, but not sad enough to take him back.

    We did not have any kids together, so we do not have to endure decades of birthday parties, graduations, weddings, etc. The above mentioned birthday party is the last pleasant family gathering I will attend, but I will be available to attend his funeral and or trial, should I get notified of such an event. But as I return to town to visit friends and my eldest son, our paths will cross. It is a very small town and it will 100% happen and I am dreading the moment. It wouldn’t be so bad if he knew better than to walk up and try to start small talk, but he doesn’t, and that is exactly what will happen.

    Good luck with everything! Clearly you’ve made it this far and it sounds like you are truly happy. Focus on that, and not on them…and it doesn’t matter what those idiots think of you or if they think they’ve “won”. It doesn’t matter. They aren’t worth the effort. They don’t have any power of you or your happiness.

  • Another OW greeting in my back pocket, should the opportunity present itself:

    “I don’t know how I can ever repay you for everything you’ve done. I’m looking forward to returning the favor.”

  • You know how I think of it? I have an uncle who is a pedophile. He molested my mother and several of her sisters when they were very young and he was a young man. I found this out as a teen and never spoke to him or acknowledged him again. I have seen him at family events, I look through him. He doesn’t exist to me. On occasion others have had issues with it and it’s caused some fights but I do not associate with pedophiles. And it only took me saying that once for him to stay far, far away from me and avoid any type of scene. I do not cause a scene, if pressed I simply repeat calmly, I do not associate with pedophiles. There is no discussing it.

    Some family members hate me for it. Some think I’m awesome. That’s life though. I plan on treating my ex and his gross adult diaper wearing baby women the same way. I do not associate with them. They can think I’m petty, I think worse things of them. LOL

  • With or without a new Mr. Wonderful by your side – you go to these milestone/family events and have a wonderful time. Chump Lady, as always, is absolutely right. Go to these events and even if you are not an actress do an Oscar worty Academy Award performance. No matter what, take the high road. Who cares what anyone thinks but by doing that Academy Award performance of the perfect, funny, charming, engaging, happy woman you give people nothing to say other than “why would he leave here?” If you pick up the punchbowl and throw it at the OW it will just confirm “well… no wonder he left her… look what a nut she is….” Keep the punchbowl throwing and groin kicks in your private thoughts and dreams. No matter what put your best high heel forward – for you – always give yourself the gift of being your best self and living your best life. Living well is the best revenge. I smile even when I’m dying inside.
    I guess what troubles me the most is watching the Lady Di & Camilla saga. How fickle the public are… I have a lot of family in London and I’m told the English have embraced Camilla and all is forgiven. Gosh… I hope that’s not true. But, no matter what – don’t let a bad man drive you crazy; don’t let a dirty OW steal anymore of your time – psychopaths and narcisstic people thrive on attention and generating a response from you…..go ‘meh’ stay ‘meh’ even if you have to pretend to be ‘meh’ Get that Oscar.

    • In fact at Charles’ wedding to Camilla the Queen toasted her and said ‘welcome to the winner’s circle and that you for keeping my son safe and dry.’ Words to that effect.


      Never worry what others think about you, because chances are they are not thinking about you.

  • I am already dreading my son’s wedding and graduations and they are 10+ years at least for the graduation.

    She is flashy and in everyone’s face, showing off whichever man she has by then and I’m kind of quiet and just like to blend in.

  • Once you place your life in someone else’s hands you lose control and are forced to trust. If you can’t be sure they won’t stay with no chance of leaving, you can’t be intimate. There is no marriage to save. Save yourself.

  • I have chosen to attend events in my son’s lives. They always knew who their mother was. Their father went through several inappropriate plus ones before he married his inappropriate current one. I am very polite. I answer questions, when asked, with concise answers. I do not initiate conversation with him or whoever plus one is. I talk to people, and participate in whatever event is going on as if they are not there. Not a snub, exactly, just not including them in the group I came with, or the other groups I talk to at the party. I am not their ambassador

    The one he married usually sits silently. She has a listless personality. I think he married her because he thinks she will be his nurse. My ex tries to engage me, and follows me with his eyes. She has to love that. I am just polite and concise. He cannot go back in time and change any of his decisions, now. The past is past, and we are done. We got two great sons out of the deal, and I can cherry pick some good memories and pack away the rest. I can donate the bad box to the Who Cares Charity.

    When you are happy with your life, and friends, be happy. It takes time, and work, but don’t go back and visit the bad times again. It is pain shopping, and you don’t need pain. Your ex and any current or future plus one will have to live the lives they chose. Not your problem.

  • Yesterday, Mother’s Day, started out well enough. It’s a loaded and emotionally charged day for moms who have been chumped, but it was my fourth Mother’s Day since the mirage was shattered and when I woke up, It and Them were not on my mind. I got up at 5:30 and went for a drive in my badass car and listened to some badass angry-cool music, Tony McAlpine’s Concrete Gardens. It’s one of the few things I truly enjoy since the traitor and his co-conspirator nuked my life.

    When I got home, my daughter was making me scrambled eggs. Then she asked if I wanted to go to the Disney Family Museum, so we went. It was a beautiful sunny summer-like day in San Francisco. Then the pain started creeping in as I saw all the families with two parents and children on the lawn in front of the museum in the Presidio. I used to be one of those families and I am not anymore, and it was what I wanted most in life. I know I don’t know what is really going on with any of those people, but the appearance still hurts.

    Even though part of yesterday sucked, what is way more important that I am a mother and children learn by modeling and I though I may make a lot of mistakes, I am pitching a perfect game every day teaching my daughter that illicit relationships are not ok, ever. The main and first way to tell if someone is right for you is they are NOT in a relationship. A life well-lived is about choosing to do the right thing at every crossroads, and I would fail as a parent if I taught my daughter that getting involved in an illicit relationship was anything but the absolute wrong wrong wrong thing to do. I’m grateful today that I consider cheating a dealbreaker. I’m grateful that I have the wisdom to know the difference between who I belong with and who I don’t. I could do no greater disservice to my child than model lessons about love that are complete bullshit.

    My ACE test score is seven. (Adverse Childhood Experience test). My goal for my daughter was for her to have a score of zero. Thanks to her dad, she now has a score of four. The very last person on the face of the earth I should be anywhere near is a person who is a perpetrator of more trauma in my life.

    Thankfully my Deveraux Resilience score is really good. I have a lot of resilience in me as does my daughter.

    I had her when I was almost 44 with no medical intervention. All of our relatives are affected by alcoholism and all the crap baggage that goes with it. I am the only person in recovery on all sides of the family. I want to be confident that she has all the right tools and life skills as she may have a long life after I die.
    Teach her that cheating is okay? That hurting other people is okay? That lying is no big deal? That fucking a married man is a good idea? No fucking way. I might as well set her out on the street corner with a For Sale sign myself.

    I’ve made a LOT of mistakes in my life, but I am GD’d if I am going to fail at being a good mom by knowing what is right and not modeling that to her. Those loser cheaters CANNOT take that away from me no matter what they do.

    And teaching my daughter that cheating is abuse by BOTH cheater and their lower companion, and that it is always wrong and never okay, is the vengeance I seek

  • It’s ALWAYS going to be awkward around a cheating ex. After all, you know who they are. It’s the same ick factor; whether he stays with the original shmoopie or moves on to an unsuspecting partner and you’re tempted to say, “If I were you…” but you can’t – cause you’ve probably been painted as bat shit crazy…and doing so would feed into drama.

    Best to be brief, friendly and away.

  • Arrive a little late, and then work the room. Talk to everyone for a few seconds to a few minutes, then circle back and talk (but mainly listen) with those you want to really talk to. Don’t be overly dramatic. Go about this nice, quiet, listening, and humbly with all the other people. SAY NOTHING about your Ex or the OW to ANYONE in the room. Talk about bitcoin, giraffes, gardening, your job, whatever…or just listen, listen, listen and ask a few questions of those you are talking with. People love to hear themselves talk Peraonally, I wouldn’t talk with the other woman. But, if you do, keep her time the shortest and your mannerisms the most curt. If you are long and huggy, everyone else will be “nice” and invite her into the group since you have.

    Like everyone said before, likely that the OW will not show up. And, if she does, she will sit in a corner most likely. She’s not in the ‘admired’ seat at that party’s table. And, she (and your ex) will have to watch you ‘work’ the whole room with smiles and warm greetings from others….and see other people talking to you.

  • Chumps and children of Cheater/Chump couples have the option to say “NO” and not invite the cheater.

    My father was not invited to either of my graduations. When my older brother, a depressed pothead, finally finished his undergrad degree, neither of our parents was invited. My mother was very hurt.

    My mother died years after the divorce and my father was onto wife 3.0, a pushy, self-centered chatterbox. My brother’s snide comment was “Well, at least now we don’t have to worry about Mom and Hell being in the same room when we get married !” Really ? Guess who didn’t invite his father and wife to his shotgun wedding a few years later ?

  • No worries,
    Your name says it all, just keep thinking, “ I am Happy Chump” as Chump lady says “ Take your rightful seat at the table” “ Enjoy the parties.”
    I don’t think it will be as bad as you think. After all, YOU are so far above them. Hold your head tall!
    So happy you have found true happiness.

    ( all eyes will be on your beautiful Grandchild, and,on the Bride & Groom)

  • Never show them any emotion. You hand them power over you.
    Don’t show them what you think about them .
    Keep them guessing.
    This is a long game.

    The more you appear to be cool, calm and collected, the more you will be.

  • Happy Chump, my trajectory is much like yours. Ex and I have become polite and even supportive of each other’s lives and goals. 99% of that is by text and we connect because of mutual kids, and now grandkids.

    One difference though. My exes cheating partner is my first cousin. Everyone, including her, have been wise and kind enough to not invite him to any family event. In fact, I’ve never seen them together, ever. She moved far away such that we don’t cross paths.

    I would be inclined to beat his ass if I ever saw him. Not because I would ever want my ex back. Just principle. I realize the ramifications of carrying out the well deserved beat down, and even understand that those two won the douche-wit sweepstakes to get together. Nonetheless I get the Mike Tyson highlight reel feeling when I think about that ahole.

    • “I would be inclined to beat his ass if I ever saw him. Not because I would ever want my ex back. Just principle.”


      • Glad to know I’m not the only one that feels this way lol.

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