My children, 4 and 7, and I had a talk the other day. I asked my son why he thought his parents got divorced last winter. He said it was because he was a bad kid. I was heartbroken and explained to them that their mom had a boyfriend (who they live with now) and that because of that we had to get divorced. Her affair partner had to get divorced too and that’s what happens when people want to be together but are married to other people. No editorializing or my own pain mentioned. Clear and at their level.
I had proof of the affair since this past July and read a lot on Chump Lady about how and when to tell the kids. You published my story this September “Ex tells people she’s liberated from a loveless marriage“.
My ex found out and was upset. She went straight on the attack, character assassination, and regurgitated the usual: I’m a suicidal, alcoholic, porn addict (things she never mentioned when we were married and hunkered down for the pandemic). I had owned the state of my mental health since the beginning and got sober, into therapy and focused on my mental health. She continued to drink and lie for the remainder of our 5 weeks living together before she moved out and in with Lord of the Pinecones. Then she inserted this gem which sums up a lot of the cheater new age take on truth and reality.
“You need to accept my truth. You also need to understand that my life is my truth and your life is your truth. R has said some concerning things that made me think you’re talking about very adult content to our children. You telling our children what you think is my truth is not for you to do. Slandering and talking negatively about the other parent goes against our parenting plan and is detrimental to our children. Our role as parents is to provide them with a supportive loving environment. I think therapy will benefit all of us.”
Yeah a big no to therapy with a narcissist. It would be great theater for her but not healthy for the kids.
You told the kids the truth clearly, without editorializing, or slopping your pain on them. You didn’t gaslight them or let them blame themselves — so, sane parent win there.
I always wonder why the Heart Wants What the Heart Wants narrative is so great, until it’s slander and irreparable harm to the children. Huh. Head scratcher.
Maybe the Universal Bullshit Translator can figure it out.
“You need to accept my truth.
You need to keep the story straight and further my impression management.
You also need to understand that my life is my truth and your life is your truth.
You must accept my truth, but I don’t have to accept your truth. (The actual truth. I have a problem with reality.)
R has said some concerning things that made me think you’re talking about very adult content to our children.
Talking about “very adult content” (aka a boyfriend) is a problem. Being the star in my own pinecone Druid shag fest, not so much.
You telling our children what you think is my truth is not for you to do.
Regardless of what I did, if I THINK it’s not the truth, it isn’t. I did not steal that last cookie. I AM the weight on my drivers license. It is not for you to say otherwise.
Slandering and talking negatively about the other parent goes against our parenting plan and is detrimental to our children.
I’d much prefer our 7-year-old blame himself for the divorce.
Why should I feel a sadz when there’s a kid to take the rap?
Our role as parents is to provide them with a supportive loving environment.
Until such a time as I wish to bail for an orgy in the woods.
I think therapy will benefit all of us.”
I need some reinforcements with this mindfuckery.
Christian, no need to respond. You told the truth — age appropriately, without rancor. She doesn’t have to like it. Stay grey rock. She can go pound a pinecone.