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Lone Star Jesus Cheaters

Kari Beckman
Kari Beckman, source:

Oh Texas.

Florida’s got Florida Man, but when it comes to deep-fried crazy, the Lone Star state stands alone. Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the dysfunction.

The derelict power grid? The open carry gun laws? The obliteration of women’s reproductive freedoms?

I’m talking about Jesus Cheaters.

How do you like your hypocrisy? Slow smoked over a pit or split on a biscuit with sausage gravy?

Simcha and Damien Fisher, who broke this story, report that Jim Graham, executive director of Texas Right to Life — the super special people who gave us abortion bounty hunters at (which was then famously hacked) — has been having an affair with Kari Beckman, a buxom lady who loves the Lord.

Jim Graham
Jim Graham, Texas Right to Life, source:

A whisteblower ratted them out, Kari confessed and people are cleaning up their websites. In that Jesus-forgives-you kinda way:

Beckman, who founded the homeschool hybrid Regina Caeli Academy in 2003, sent a letter to the members of Regina Caeli at the end of last week acknowledging “a terrible lapse in judgment with a personal relationship.” Multiple sources confirmed the relationship was with Jim Graham. Beckman and Graham are both married. Beckman said she immediately sought forgiveness through the sacrament of confession, and then, months later, confessed to her husband. She said that she and her husband then both went to the board of Regina Caeli and told them “what had occurred,” and then stepped down as Executive Director.

Shortly before she stepped down, the Board of Directors received an anonymous letter alleging Beckman had carried on an illicit sexual relationship with Graham.  Graham was also, until recently, on the Board of Regina Caeli, but his name has recently been removed from that site, along with Kari Beckman’s name.

How did these two lovebirds meet? Fundraising for a planned community of Catholics in east Texas, Veritatis Splendor. Which, allegedly, has some, um, financial improprieties.

But the alleged financial malfeasance goes deeper than that. The letter-writer alleged, “Mrs. Beckman uses Regina Caeli as her personal bank account” and that Beckman hand-selected the board to do her bidding, and deliberately hid her financial activities from the families who supplied the money she allegedly spent. Regina Caeli’s most recent tax forms list their total assets in 2018 at $4.2 million, with $3.4 million in liabilities.

But the important thing to know is that Kari is really…. sorry? transparent? locked in a convent flagellating herself?

No, CN. This has been very, very hard on her.

She said in her letter to RCA members that keeping the secret of her relationship “left me feeling despondent and it began to take a physical toll on my mind and my body.”

Somewhere in Texas, I imagine some board members are probably wondering where $3 million went, but hey, Kari had icky stress feelings. And probably split ends.

She said, “I have been in therapy and have been receiving daily spiritual direction in order to get strong enough to face my shame.  My therapist has diagnosed me with Complex PTSD due to the circumstances which led to my fall.”

No word about your husband there, Kari. How’s his shame spiral doing?

She said, “I do not expect your forgiveness nor do I expect your understanding.  I am struggling to forgive myself and to make sense of what I did.  I am sorry this did not come sooner, but honestly, I was not in an emotional place to make good decisions.”

Oh, well, as long as you forgive yourself, I’m sure the parishioners and Graham’s wife are cool. And the IRS. They’re famously understanding.

And all the women in Texas who now lack access to reproductive freedoms, thanks to the zealotry of people like you. There isn’t enough “spiritual direction” for your shame. There’s no shame.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • I read about this case thanks to the excellent journalism of Catholic writer Simcha Fisher, who had been investigating this racket for some time.

    I was really glad to see two comments on the original article that mentioned Chump Lady. The narrative is changing.

    And yes, the DARVO and selfishness were immediately apparent. And the financial abuse.

    I’m really glad this has been exposed. Their ‘business model’ has exploited a lot of vulnerable homeschooling families.

    And I say this as a pro-life, practising Catholic. We have got enough troubles right now in the Church without these nitwits acting like teenagers.

  • OH SWEET HELL!!! These Jesus Cheaters can’t even spell hypocrisy, let alone pronounce it. These fake Christians make me livid. She is the modern day Whore of Babylon moaning about her diagnosis of Complex PTSD and not even seeing the hypocrisy of her actions. Her cheating partner is Mr. Whore of Babylon, he sucks and I hate him too. Where is the empathy for Mrs. Graham or Mr Beckham. She makes no mention of their pain. Why? Because it doesn’t matter to her. She is the star of her own sordid life. The bit players don’t matter.

    I cannot help but wonder when legal ramifications occur? Money seems to be the only thing that really matters to these grifters. I hope these cheaters suffer financial losses equal to the the pain they caused their spouses.

    • “Where is the empathy for Mrs. Graham or Mr Beckham. She makes no mention of their pain.”

      Yup. It’s all about ME ME ME ME.

      • What is it with narcs and giant toothy smiles? Do they spend more on cosmetic dentistry than average and want the world to know?

        I think the “toothy smile” thing was in a study of narcissistic traits and I keep seeing social media comments about the narc shit-eating grin.

        When the cameras come out, say “MEEEEEEE”!

        • I have a toothy smile. I was born with it. It has caused me much pain and grief and bullying over the years. Just saying.

        • My cheating ex got his teeth whitened during our divorce. As I sat across from him in the attorney’s office, all I could do was laugh! They looked purple and were glowing. Remember the Friends episode when Ross got his teeth whitened? Same thing…ewwww

  • Oho – may the IRS swoop in with a team of forensic auditors. Then we’ll see some REAL tears. Bonus points if it’s for their Christian holidays!

    • Fear not….they will.

      I know someone who does IRS criminal investigations. He says that agents have to find their own cases and look at the news, as well as other sources, for suspicious activity.

      He also says that there has to be at least 50,000 in back taxes to make it worth the expense. Most audits of mere mortals like the rest of us are computer generated and random.

      I’m sure an agent looking for a case will be happy to get in on this. Especially one who doesn’t like the politics of these phonies. I’m not suggesting it would be politically motivated because the IRS, contrary to what some believe, isn’t in the business of moral or political judgements. But let’s not pretend it won’t give someone a little extra satisfaction to take these hypocrites down. I know that how I’d feel. LOL.

      • Being a Catholic myself, the land deal was something that came across my screen back when it was being touted as this Catholic Shangrila to create a bubble from that terrible world of sinners. I am not a believer in creating bubbles so just for fun, I did some math and with the small number of house sites, each family would probs have to pitch in about $500,000 to build the oratory church. The local Bishop went out on a limb and encouraged people to donate money to the project.

        One of my gripes about Christians who become mini celebrities in their universes is that they manage to justify their organizations paying them rather generously. I am to the point where I will not give to any charity without first looking up their tax returns and seeing what the CEOs make…if its too much, I keep my money. People who do a hard job deserve a wage, but groups asking for donations from struggling families ought not fleece people.

        • Tangent: just yesterday the Washington Post did a story about a Texas woman and member of the village church who is starting a maternity ranch.

          It’s a community for women experiencing crisis pregnancies, and if I remember correctly, the program cares for the women and their child through the first year of the child’s life.

          The village church made a public apology in 2015 for disciplining a female member of the church for divorcing her husband .

          The woman and her husband had been supported by the church when they were doing missionary work in Asia .

          The woman divorced her husband, who was a minister, after she discovered that he had been consuming child pornography while they were dating and throughout their marriage. Her husband also identified himself as a pedophile.

          The church, which is a Southern Baptist Church with neo Calvinist leanings, apologized because it disciplined the ex-wife for resisting their “pastoral care” and refusing to reconcile with her husband. But they did not discipline her husband, and they didn’t discipline him because he supposedly repented.

          I’m a Christian. But the track record of this southern Baptist Church and the Catholic Church makes me very suspicious of any initiative to serve pregnant women. They’ve been too unrepentant about their systemic abuses against women and children.

          • I saw that story too. (Thankfully I’ve missed all the news about Mr & Mrs Sanctity Cheaters) Maternity Ranch does have some unfortunate connotations, though–doesn’t it? Bad enough the state of TX wants to treat women like brood mares. This clowns think we should be more placid and bovine? Feh! that’s exactly the thinking behind “a man needs to sow oats”.

          • Pedophilia is a sexual paraphilia, like necrophilia (being sexually aroused by dead bodies) and autogynephilia (“the love of oneself as a woman” or a man’s being sexually aroused while acting out one’s fantasy of being a woman…which was my ex’s sexual orientation), and for this reason pedophiles are incapable of changing the object of their sexual desire, only of controlling their behavior. Yet the church accepts the man’s “repentance” and disciplines the wife for divorcing him.

            And for the record, sexual paraphilias are almost exclusively seen in males.

            • I resist this trend of viewing child sex abusers as poor sad sick puppies. It’s like casting batterers as “punching addicts.” Some “disorders” are just criminal.

              • I resent the efforts to normalize pedophilia as “just another flavor of sexuality.” As if because they’re born that way, they need to be allowed to act out their desires.
                There are a number of stealth tactics they employ, one of which is to chip away at consent laws and safeguarding practices. They work to change laws so that children can consent to practices and medical procedures at a very young age. And, their logic goes, if children can consent to one thing, then why not another….

              • So do I. Have you ever read Dr. Anna Salter’s book, “Predators”? It’s a bit older, may be a bit tough to find but it is worth the search.

          • Oh my God. I’m picturing them coercing these women into giving up their babies to infertile Christian couples, and that will be the least of what goes on. I can’t help but think it’s a cover for a bunny ranch, too.

            • The Baby Scoop Era was very, very profitable to the institutions who sold those children to “worthy” families.

              I can’t begin to list the ways that I distrust religious institutions. It’s a never-ending scroll.

            • They are on their own, but the idea is for them to be inculcated and connected with ministry groups as a condition of the ministry’s help. On their face, the ministry groups are to help them with life/parenting skills and become more independent.

              The founder’s dream is for pregnant women to live with a married couple on the ranch, and the married couple will model healthy marriage behaviors. (Female submission, complementarianism, etc.)

            • There are 2 systems of homes for women in crisis locally which offer housing, healthcare, job skills and support for women and their babies and older children. There are rarely adoptions, babies arent spirited away nor women coerced to relinquish them. They are also not thrown onto the street after a year. I dont condone any of what you all described but please know that not all groups who aim to support victimize and manipulate moms. I long ago quite giving $ to nut jobs and instead give to those who really help women and kids.

              • Of course not all initiatives manipulate vulnerable people.

                Like you, I give to initiatives that open their books and their meetings to the public, and who partner with other nonprofits with legacy and a track record of transparency.

                I get the reflex and all, but I don’t need to be reminded that #notallchristians when a new example of an abuse of power and financial malfeasance on the part of The Very Public AnnointedTM is discovered. I know most people are trying to do the right thing or live their lives. To me, they are victimized by proxy at the hands of the Beckmans and the Grahams of the world.

  • Struggling to forgive YOURSELF? Lady, if you think that’s how it works, you need to spend a little more time on your Catholic theology.

    People like this make me wistful for a little Old Testament justice.

    • Yep .

      This is why the church in America is dying, and this is why there is no way back for Christianity in the West.

      Somehow the theology has been deliberately perverted to encourage innocent people to commit to a faith, and when they look into the gospel story the only thing they see reflected back is themselves.

      Christian theology does not assert that Christians are at the center of the gospel story.

      On one han, I’m a Christian who attends worship services weekly, and gives of my time and money. On the other hand, I think the church is reaping what it has sown, and I will not grieve the death of 21st century American Christianity.

  • Religious thieves lie and cheat their friends, investors, believers and families? Colour me unsurprised. The passages below fall under the “it’s not what I did, it’s your reaction that is the problem!” umbrella.

    “This isn’t the first time Regina Caeli has been accused of a lack of financial transparency. In 2016, a former RCA member filed a lawsuit alleging that, when he asked to review financial information so he could determine how the school was spending the money their group raised and solicited, the director responded that “it was not RCA’s ‘style’ to provide any financial information, other than the IRS form 990’s.” The suit alleges RCA then retaliated against the entire family for their inquiry. The suit also alleged that RCA ran afoul of Michigan charitable fundraising laws. The lawsuit was settled out of court.

    While it’s rare for a member to muster a lawsuit against RCA, it’s common for members and former members to complain that their concerns go unheard, and that they’re routinely bullied into silence under the guise of christian charity.

    The school explicitly forbids what it called “murmuring,” allegedly to discourage a spirit of gossip among the families involved.”

  • There are cheaters of every political stripe and of every religious and non-religious orientation. No surprise there.

    The guy is head of a right-to-life group, not an anti-cheating group, so his hypocrisy is no worse than any other FW’s. The left-wingers who claim to be all about women’s rights while treating the women in their life like crap are no better.

    • It’s hypocritical because “no sex outside of marriage” is the keystone of the anti-abortion movement. Banning birth control and abortion doesn’t make sense otherwise.

      • Do not have an abortion is the keystone of the pro-life movement. Full stop. None of the pro-life laws or proposals have anything to do with infidelity or birth control.

        A lot of cheaters use abortion to cover up their cheating, btw.

        • With respect, truly — there is a lot of “family values” blather from groups who push, among other things, abortion restrictions. There just is. That’s hypocrisy. You may disagree with the anti-“anti-abortion” bent of this post/comments. I don’t challenge that there is a bent here (my politics are far left, and I read that loud and clear in the post, and thought, ouch). That doesn’t mean that these people aren’t hypocrites. Standing up for what is good or right morally under God… Then breaking vows. Hypocritical.

          I do hear the grouping together of a lot of different folks in the language of the post though. Infidelity isn’t left or right, and the post felt that way. It’s hard to write along that edge. If I were anti-choice, this post would sting. Because I wouldn’t be a cheater and the post felt like it grouped those together.

          But these folks? I drown in the pool of hypocrisy they

        • I know CL tries to keep the “politics” off the comments so she can and maybe should remove this… but I’m done letting absolute lies stand under the guise of opinion:

          that BS statement cannot stand. The pro life movement’s aims and concerns are not “Do not have an abortion…full stop”. If that were the case there would be no issue with free and universal access to birth control along with full sex Ed amongst that group….and there is. And the list could go on.

          Please just delete that comment bc it is an out and out lie. Not bc I disagree with your opinion on the sanctity of unborn white babies but bc the motives of the pro life movement are demonstrably not as you state.

          And yes the hypocrisy is exacerbated when your professed values and the basis of those values don’t align you actions

          I’m an atheist my hypocrisy ends at my moral compass. Proselytizing christians hypocrisy goes to both the individuals moral compass and the very foundation of the moral righteousness they claim to have.

        • Precisely why it should be called anti-abortion, not pro-life.

          There are varying degrees of hypocrisy. Asshat was a self-confessed heathen, so he never hid behind the Bible during his affairs. He was straight up entitled FW.

          • Yes, some terms that are used to make things sound more digestible are too damn similar to cheater speak and feel like gaslighting. Maybe I’m too blunt myself but these days I want things straight, don’t sugarcoat, beat around the bush or try to convince me that what I perceive about something is wrong just because it’s not what you WANT me to perceive.

        • Im a Catholic who has removed herself from the pro-life movement because I heard too much that I can not agree with. I heard people within that movement say that they wanted to forbid abortion even in cases where the mom would die (these situations are real and the extreme right often says that no such situations exist) if she remained pregnant and I have heard some speak of the eventual goal of limiting contraception. Not everyone opposed to abortion is as I describe above, but Ive met enough people who are to force me to separate myself from their cause. I respect if your experience is different, but know that mine was real.

          I think we Catholics should have the freedom to exercise our religion which forbids abortion and contraception but other people have the right to not be Catholic.

          I hope that CL leaves all the comments up. We are adults who can have a rational discussion.

        • Do NOT bring anti-abortion shit on my site. Women’s reproductive freedoms are constitutionally protected since Roe v. Wade. And now under assault.

          These people are cheaters and hypocrites and misogynists. And at least one of them sure looks like a con artist.

            • Comment was to Nancy Abrams. I respect people’s personal opinions on the matter, but I won’t tolerate disinformation. If the matter was only “Do not have an abortion” in one’s personal life, okay. But this is about legislating a very narrow “morality” on EVERY woman.

        • Nope, sorry, but you are wrong. Specifically, the Catholic Church’s stance on birth control and abortion is theologically grounded in their ideas about the sanctity of marriage— that sex is only for people who married to each other, that nothing should come between a husband and wife, and that sex is for procreation only. Their anti-abortion and Catholic beliefs are absolutely relevant to their hypocritical infidelity. I was raised Catholic. These people even consider divorce a form of adultery.

          • Absolutely. That applies to evangelical Christianity as well as any other church that promotes conservative “family values”. Of course the better “family values” you portray yourself as having, the bigger the hypocrite you are if you cheat.

        • With respect, Jennifer, it may be the keystone of many individuals’ pro-life beliefs, but the organized pro-life movement in America is anti-contraception, even within marriage, and is often closely allied with socially conservative groups. Even supposedly pro-equality groups like Feminists for Life take the position that “Preconception issues are outside FFL’s mission”.

          • As a point of note about Catholics being anti-contraception: One regional hospital system in the Midwest, OSF (Order of St. Francis) which is run by Catholic nuns, will not perform tubal ligations because that is contraception.

        • Especially if it means screaming at other people, blowing up clinics, gunning down doctors, etc? I used to be a clinic defender (pre-internet!). I remember when some “pro-life” clown came in guns blazing and murdered a college student behind a desk.

          SHANNON LOWNEY. Remember her name.

          She was a real person, not some blastocyst.

          If that doesn’t reveal the utter hypocrisy of the “pro life” movement, well, I’m sure you can find some extra brain cells lying around somewhere.

    • Actually, there are some significant differences in the toxic agenda and narcissistic personalities present in some political leaders. Even bringing up “what about-ism” rather than condemning the behavior suggests buying into their dogma.

      And engaging in cheating, while intimidating women about their health care decisions is weaponized hypocrisy.

      Changing the narrative means supporting the conversations – in private and public platforms – which stop the abuse cycle.

      Hopefully, the financial fraud will result in legal justice.

      • The abusive aspect of cheating has nothing to do with being pro-life or pro-choice. Sorry if your politics don’t let you see it that way but it’s true.

        Harvey Weinstein, Woody Allen, and Jeffrey Epstein- all pro-choice. All abusive of women.

        • No political view has a monopoly on cheating (see CL’s archives, including the examples you cited), but when someone wants to impose their sexual mores on others but secretly reserves to themselves the right to disregard those mores? That is absolutely relevant to them being a particular kind of asshole. The cheating is an expression of that assholery.

        • Did you read the article? The homeschool organization she headed asked prospective families about whether their marriages were canonically valid and whether they used contraception. Seems like sexual ethics were a big part of how they evaluated prospective members of their group.

          Moreover, some families were criticized because they took their kids to see The Nutcracker, which, according to Kari Beckman’s organization, featured tutus that were too short and was therefore “soft porn.” Beckman chided a staff member for visibly decorating her house for Christmas during the Advent season because it could cause a scandal. Puritanical standards for others, financial deception and adultery for Kari. Sure seems like hypocrisy to me.

          • The exact reason that my faith is a personal one, and any institution man has created in that regard is of no interest to me.

        • That’s not the argument Almost Monday was making at all.

          But since you clearly have no decent argument to make yourself, you need strawmen to knock down. Yeah, good luck with all that.

        • Did you read the linked article about how these people policed the morality of the families attending their schools, etc. all while engaging in an extramarital affair? That is the very definition of hypocrisy.

        • Pro-CHOICE vs. anti-abortion. Choice. Agency. How does this not relate to abuse?

          I am “pro-life” – aside from psychopaths and murderers, who isn’t? – and I am pro-choice. Even the self-proclaimed Pro-Life movement’s name is DARVO.

    • 10 Commandments anyone? Which one is adultry? Which is lying? Which one involves coveting something that isn’t yours? From the webpage of the fundraising duo:
      1. What is Veritatis Splendor?
      Veritatis Splendor is a mission to preserve, protect and proclaim the Christian faith as given to the Apostles by Jesus Christ.
      In fulfilling this mission, the founders of Veritatis Splendor have planned for several means to share the mission with as many people as possible.
      The first is an Oratory under the patronage of St. Joseph, in order to welcome anyone who wishes to study and pray and receive the benefits of a Catholic sacramental life.
      The second is the establishment of seven institutes to teach, train and promote the truth, goodness and beauty of the faith.
      The third is to offer a variety of residential options (homes, townhomes, apartments and other accommodations for those with smaller households), in order to share in the faith community life planned for Veritatis Splendor.

      • Was about to say…isn’t adultery and coveting thy neighbor’s wife kind of a bedrock principle of catholics and christians everywhere?! The initial commenter asserted that there was no more hypocrisy in these christian folks cheating than “leftist liberals”…and that’s just factually false. When you commit your life to christianity, as these folks purport to do, you accept wholly and completely the commandments. These folks preach this stuff, then go out and ignore it. That’s hypocrisy by definition.

        Surely, “leftist liberals” can too be terrible cheaters and assholes (I know many!), but I suspect most of them aren’t out there preaching the commandments like these right-wing Jesus cheaters. At a minimum, that makes them less hypocritical.

        • Yep. It’s an inarguable and simple concept. I suspect she knows it, but is pissed off that anti-chiocers are being called out, thus the need for a false equivalence.

    • Nope. They are part of a religion that preaches and promotes “family values”, the sanctity of marriage, etc.

      “The left-wingers who claim to be all about women’s rights while treating the women in their life like crap are no better.”

      You seem to be arguing that cheating is inherently about treating women badly and is anti-women’s rights. Male chumps can tell you how misguided that is.

      If one treats a spouse badly while promoting the opposite, and promoting a morality that disallows infidelity, one is indeed a hypocrite.

      You are making a false equivalence, so you needed to utilize the ridiculous implication that being left wing has something to do with being a good partner. It has nothing to do with that, but being pro “family values” certainly does.

      I would agree that presenting yourself as a good person on any level while cheating is hypocritical, but religious piety makes it ever much more so.

  • (music by Mr. Mister, lyrics by Chump Nation — here’s the tune if you’re not familiar:

    Across the prairies of the Lone Star State
    He propagates the right to life
    He gets relief from all the stress and strain
    By fucking someone, not his wife

    Regina Cali’s where it all began
    They chose deception as they prayed
    She can’t make sense of what she did or said
    But Jesus loves her anyway

    Kari, a raiser of endowments for the faithful
    Kari, a raiser of suspicion ‘mongst the flock
    Kari, a phraser of deceits that are disgraceful
    Kari, a raiser of Jim Graham’s cheating cock . . .

  • As others have mentioned, sadly, the pain this has caused others is de-emphasized by the Cheater(s). Waiting MONTHS after confessing seems a rather long time if one is truly sorry! Sounds more likely she (they?) got caught….

  • One month after DDay, my non-religious x wrote this to me. Of course, I had no “new partner,” so this was all speculation on his part:

    “If your new partner supplants me as Y’s grandfather, it will cut me to the core. You and the kids might think it a just punishment, but it won’t be just in God’s eyes. …God might not forgive my infidelity. I accept that.”

    1. Soooo, he knows what God thinks.????Hmmmm. Guess he covered God’s eyes when he was screwing around and lying about it for almost 3 years. But, hey, God FORGIVES (unlike my bitchy wife who reacted SO badly to the revelation of my little “fall from grace.” Just a mistake. Fell in love. How can that be so bad?)
    2. He dramatically falls on his sword re his infidelity. “Look at me. I’ve accepted my sin.” But it’s followed by what sounds like: “Look at my wife and kids. Their sin is worse. Cast them aside, God. Put me on the fluffy cloud for remorseful lovers. God=Love. HE understands.”
    3. Toward the end of our marriage (which I didn’t know was about to end, of course), he suddenly wanted to go to church. I suspect the AP (now wifetress) is a churchgoer. Go figure!

    • Spinach, reading your comment was like reading about my own experience. I had to rub my eyes and look again to make sure you hadn’t somehow published my journal. ????

      The thing I’m learning through bitter experience is that everything, all of it, is centered on the cheater’s devotion to their own image.

      In the way that a priest points people to god using objects like vestments, linens, candles, incense, books and scriptures, crucifixes, communionware, and Jesus himself, the cheater uses everything and everyone in bizarre rituals of self-adulation.

      In the cheating phase when they’re actively committing abuse and soul murder? It’s all justifiable in pursuit of self-worship. Oh, the power and ecstasy! They’re almost god-like themselves, feeling omniscient and omnipotent.

      In the discovery and consequences phase? The blow to their image feels like persecution! And it still has to be all about them. They will never relinquish that throne of centrality on the dais. There is no repentance. They persist in using everything and everyone in twisted service to their own image. And like so many predatory priests, they will continue to lie, steal, and abuse to protect that image, at any cost.

      They don’t even believe they have victims; no, they are the only possible victim. Why? Because they truly don’t see the people they use as human; they are merely objects that exist in service to the worship of the cheater.

  • I have worked with Mrs Fisher on an article or 2 and consider us friendly acquaintances and she is the real deal. Im all about the snark but will honestly be real for a sec and say that neither of us would fully say we want anyone to burn in Hell…I think that real repentance is a good goal.

    The rub with this chick is that she had a huge reputation as touting herself as The Arbiter of Sin and Goodness. She condemned people to Hell for watching Harry Potter or the Nutcracker Ballet (the tutus are pornographic, you know). Her school didnt want contraception sinners in their ranks so people were asked about it in interviews. When people set themselves up like that, there is a long fall off the pedestal they built for themselves.

    My big SMH moment came when I saw that when people learned that she had some big crisis, they set up a Meal Train. There is no shame in making sure that her 8 kids get fed, but to me there is a Jesus Cheater sort of absurdity in her accepting Casseroles for Adultery

    • Wait a damn second! This cheater was rewarded with casseroles? Holy crap. She has eight kids? When does she find time for her kids? Oh that’s right, she has more important things to do like conduct an affair using other people’s money to fund the pesky details like hotel rooms. How do you have time to do anything with eight kids? Oh I know, you use other people’s money to hire nannies.!Or better yet, parentify the older children to act in lieu of a parent. I mean this good Christian woman has to have some ME time.

      Mr. Beckham best get to DNA testing all eight to determine just how many cuckoos are in his nest.

      I’m feeling particularly angry about these Jesus Cheaters as one of Fuckface’s affair accomplices is a good Christian woman who writes erotica. My eyes are rolled so far back I’m getting dizzy.

      • In families like this, caring for the younger sibs and doing household chores is delegated to the older daughters. And for rich “Christian” grifters, there are always servants.

        I don’t know if you all are old enough to remember Susan Faludi’s book “Backlash”. In one of the chapters, she interviewed people at one of those ‘pro family’ lobbying groups that lectures about the wonders of stay-at-home motherhood. She found that the women working there freely relied on nannies and paid childcare for their kids. They always had an excuse as to why it was okay for THEM to do it.

        • I’ll never forget the story I heard from an abortion provider about an anti-choice protest after which the most vocal and aggressive person there unabashedly brought her daughter in for an abortion. Naturally in her case it was “different” and justified.

          People who make being pious their identity and spend their lives chastising others are almost always anything but what they portray.

      • I used to run a small business in an area with more than its share of fundamentalist Christian churches. We provided a customized product that some of the churches used. As is customary in that business, payment is due upon reciept. A woman came in. I handed her what she’d ordered, asking for payment as she was walking out the door. She said she couldn’t pay now and I could bill her. I told her I couldn’t do that, as was customary in that business. She looked at me incredulously and replied “I’m the paster’s wife.” (OK lady, and what is THAT supposed to mean?) This, in a nutshell, sums up what many of these people think they are–somehow magically superior to the rest of us, and deemed so by their god.

        None of the cheating scenario chumplady posted today is suprising. People who want to lead others are often drawn to it because of their need for attention. Churches and religious groups often bring people like this out of the woodwork. Cheaters need a lot of attention, because everyday stability and solid marriages won’t give them that. The ironic thing is religion espouses those very things. I saw the movie Elmer Gantry as a child. These situations are as old as time.

        • PS: I loved what chumplady wrote today, it really resonates regarding some people I have known. I do, however, differ in opinion on open carry. Out west it was a way of life and still is in some parts, where allowed. Both my rancher grandfathers had holstered guns. I’d rather see somone wear their gun than hide it. Just like affairs.

      • DNA testing on the younger of the eight kids, most definitely. But now that I’m considering her character and “commandment” values, why not all eight?

    • I like these comments. Mine was so invested in his image that, after discovering he was fucking a client at our work (one of the many), he got really angry when I wasn’t “nice” to him in a meeting. I was sitting in that board room in the biggest pain imaginable trying to function about 5 days past DDay, and his comment to me was that if I was going to hang around at work that I needed to be nicer to him. When he said that, I literally ran out of the building and drove home to my bed where I pulled the covers over my head and didn’t come out for two days. I was so shocked by his lack of empathy-and it got worse from there.

      • Oh god; I’m so sorry this happened to you. ???? I truly know what it feels like. The entitlement is jaw-dropping!

        72 hours after D-day, when I was neither upright nor taking nourishment, FW came out with: “I realize you probably don’t want to have s3x with me, but could you at least give me a HJ?”

        • Asshat handed me divorce papers and then wanted sex. Hard pass. Although I wish I had said yes and bit off his dick or for him naked, tied him up and left.

          Everything is a transaction for them. They don’t change. Only vaginas.

          They suck.

        • OMFG!

          I’m sorry. That’s insane. I just can’t wrap my head around that stunning lack of empathy and sense of entitlement. Truly mindboggling!

  • Hopefully the spouses of these ‘only sorry we got caught’ holy rollers can clear the Esther Peril hurdles on their way out of dodge. I will keep them in my prayers.

  • Benedict OJ Madoff, in a session with Dr. Kickass Co-Parent last week, mentioned that he was concerned about a lack of compassion and forgiveness…..from me. He said he is working hard on forgiving…..himself. He said he had been in an “unfulfilling marriage”. He has not made amends to me. (Well, he did say he was sorry! I think he really believes that is sufficient restitution). We haven’t heard anything from him about what his part was in creating the Unfulfilling Marriage.
    I can’t imagine why any relationship with a liar and a cheater and a thief would be fulfilling. Of course his own character rot would not be the cause of Feeling Unfulfilled. I was unfulfilled too but my response was to speak up about it in therapy. His response was to avoid talking me and go shopping on Craigslist
    Casual Encounters and patronize illicit massage parlors for women to fuck from his unbeknownst to me preferred racial demographic.

    I enjoyed listening to her fry him in the hot seat. Worth every penny of her fee.
    I go because it was requested by our daughter’s therapist. I stay for the overwhelming validation. I have zero expectations of him and am OK sitting there on Zoom filing my nails and listening to his bacon sizzle.

    Thinking of yesterday’s blog, this is why I can’t get my mind around the whole “cheaters are otherwise good people” and “people are so complicated” defenses. I don’t think they are. To me, cheating is akin to spotting a cockroach in your kitchen and you realize there are 40,000 more out of sight. It’s a dashboard light on a person indicating something is very very wrong with the engine. I know in my case it was the primary 2×4 of Truth upside the head that broke the spell and woke me up to a lot lot lot lot lot more character rot on his part that I just didn’t see before. Denial is a real thing.

    I have worked on myself for a long time. I have overcome a lot of things and made considerable changes. Like every other person on the planet, I have issues. I always will. My garden will always sprout weeds that need to be pulled. But lying and stealing and cheating and deceiving and abusing others is not on that inventory. WIP (Work in Progress) here forever more, but I don’t have to learn how not to fuck people over on today’s To Do list.

    What I attempted to say very badly yesterday is that if someone is lying and cheating and stealing from anyone in their life, you can bet they are treating everyone in their life badly. Like pedophiles and serial killers and con artists, they invest a lot of energy into image management. I own a company and we just hired a new bookkeeper. If she had been caught embezzling from a prior employer, I would never hire her. I would never think, “well, she didn’t embezzle from me!” I wouldn’t be yammering on about who made vows to whom.

    The story today doesn’t bring me any kind of satisfaction. It makes me feel sad and scared wondering how the Sam Hill am I ever going to be able to trust anybody ever again.

    Yes, trust issues are at the top of my inventory these days…..

    • “I have zero expectations of him and am OK sitting there on Zoom filing my nails and listening to his bacon sizzle.”

      OMG! VH! I love this image. ???? ????????

    • Yes, I’m far slower to trust than I once was. I pushed a whole list of people to the outskirts of my life over that sort of thing.

      I’ve shared before here a saying my divorce attorney had, “Only a fool would be friends with the person who burned down their house.” At first, I didn’t trust him either, but he proved himself trustworthy, as did his associate who took over closeout.

      When we first started meeting, I noticed that he was really studying me. I asked about that later, and he said that he never trusts a client until he’s had some time where he could observe them and fully verify their information. He told me in the initial interview that if I ever, ever lied to him, he probably would immediately drop me as a client. All of that was a lesson for me.

      • OMG!! ????????. That sizzles my bacon! You, like me, probably accepted responsibility for issues in the marriage. We have no responsibility for them fucking strangers off the internet! My FW literally said he’s starting to trust me again. Called me an awful mom because I did literally break years ago. Chronically ill child + marriage where partner is not supportive + 4 other children + not living near support=broken me. You and I are not the ones that demonstrated anything that needs to be forgiven. These FWs are so delusional!

  • From the article by Simcha and Damien Fisher:
    “This is two heads of very Catholic organizations. We literally do hold ourselves to a higher standard. And to be lectured about virtue while this was going on . . . unbelievable,” said one Regina Caeli Academy parent and former tutor. She asked not to be identified, for fear of reprisal.

    The parent is referring to the fact that Regina Caeli and Veritatis Splendor, including in the very video in which Beckman and Graham both appear, both explicitly framed their organizations as a refuge from the immorality of the secular world. Parents flocked to Regina Caeli in part because it emphasizes the development of personal virtues and traditional values like chastity and self-control.

    …Several members recalled that, when they applied to teach for Regina Caeli, they were required to sign a statement of fidelity to the magisterium, and that, during their interview, Regina Caeli recruiters asked them if their marriage was canonically valid, and whether they use contraception.

    “Apparently, the sexual ethics of one family was so critical to the culture of the organization, but the fact that the executive director is sleeping with a board member is something that can just be chalked up to spiritual attack,” said one former RCA family who had a position in national leadership.

    Note that they both explicitly framed their organizations as bastions of morality. And also note that Mr.Graham’s organization founded the tipline website where people report abortions in efforts to collect a $10,000 bounty. And that there are serious accusations about their misuse of millions of dollars.
    BTW, the Meal Train did not arise spontaneously; it was requested by the board, which included Mr. Beckman.

    • “…but the fact that the executive director is sleeping with a board member is something that can just be chalked up to spiritual attack…”

      Spiritual attack!! OMG!! Holy Euphemism!!

    • “Bastions of morality.” I’m sorry, but these people all deserve a healthy dose of reality. Their holier-than-thou spackling is dangerous. Will their children ever experience intellectual freedom? Will they even get a taste of it?

  • A somewhat amusing aside (to me, anyway) — I just took a quick listen to the beginning of an radio interview with Kari on YouTube.

    She begins by saying: “Thank you again for having us here with you and your audience, I hope and pray that it *resignates* with some of the people who are listening and watching today . . .”

  • This reminds me of comments from my ex.

    After confessing to the affair he told me “I have forgiven myself. You don’t expect me to walk around feeling guilty all the time do you?”

    And he said he had been looking for a signal from God on whether to continue the affair or divorce me.

    He also never went to church, hated the pressure from his mom that he should be, and that was all my fault.

    So glad I’m free from that!! Everything is still my fault in his and OWs eyes but I don’t care – it’s now their circus. ????????

  • They can have lousy characters and be hypocrites. It doesn’t mean their position is wrong on moral issues such as abortion. Doing so is ad hominem. If you don’t like what they’re preaching you need to debate their arguments.

    • FYSA, as a professional persuader (lawyer) I can tell you that the hypocrisy-is-irrelevant argument will lose every time IRL. Most people are hard-wired to care about the messenger. If you want to be impressed by Bill Cosby’s observations about relationships, or Bernie Madoff’s ideas about financial responsibility, I won’t be joining you.

    • Nobody was claiming their hypocrisy itself is what makes their ideas wrong. The discussion is about their hypocrisy, not their ideas about abortion.

      You must be new. Political debate is not allowed here.

  • Yes, I could write volumes. I was married to an occasional preacher from a family of preachers and missionaries. The last name carried a certain reputation with it, and there were rumblings about the family reputation when we separated. I told some of what happened but held back the worst of it. They said I had to reconcile regardless.

    The bottom line for me is that my level of trust had completely evaporated, and I decided that I was done with being harmed. I had no reason to believe that he would ever be trustworthy and kind. Surely the God that I know would not expect me to go back into harm by flipping a switch and forgiving the past. Of course, the best predictor of the future is the past.

    During the divorce which my now-ex said would be quick and easy (a lie), he acted very badly and infuriated his expensive attorney, who liked and respected mine from decades of going against each other. His attorney told my attorney that his client was the “worst ever” and said to tell me that he felt sorry for me and couldn’t believe that I had stuck it out for so long. Both attorneys had some level of religious practice, and of course, his googled his client (as they all do). So his ranted to mine about the hypocrisy in my ex and how it disgusted him. His attorney liked to talk to my attorney and often overshared.

    So that was my confirmation that it had to be. I still attend the same church I always have, but with a higher level of skepticism. There are certainly people there that I know have a false veneer and others that are trustworthy, through and through. As we often say in the recovery community, you are as sick as your secrets. Of course, we all have things in the past that we aren’t proud of, but we work through that. The ones who have damaging secrets now are the ones I steer clear of.

  • I think of it like a credit rating.

    It takes years of sincerely changed behavior to repair a credit rating, and years of sincerely changed behavior to repair credibility and be worthy of trust.

    There are some people who will
    never forgive or trust someone after they have been harmed, and I believe it’s their right to feel that way.

    (grateful for Bill and Dr. Bob and Lois)

  • This story is less about Christians and more about impression management using cover of religion. Weak characters, as we know, often park under an umbrella of legitimacy. It works well until entitlement, power and arrogance ratchet-up a notch, ultimately blowing the cover. Right now they’re both in damage control mode only because they were caught. Both parties were opportunists. Wolves in sheep clothing. Choosing infidelity and misappropriation of business funds for personal use speak clearly of the lack of integrity of these people. They’ll move on to hide under another umbrella of legitimacy next.

  • I talked with a woman who has lived in Texas all her life last night. I knew her socially and on occasion years ago. She is now 70, and everyone in her immediate family has passed away, including her beloved only daughter. She lost her mother and her daughter in the same year. I cannot imagine the trauma and the pain in her life. She was married to a friend of my newly departed Ex, and had received a request (through a complex and odd process) for any pictures she may have of my Ex, her Ex, and my children, for the funeral memorial picture display.

    At least I asked my Ex to divorce, and we went to a lawyer to arrange things. I am thankful for this small mercy! Her Ex left her “to go visit his daughter from a previous marriage for a few days.” But he didn’t do that of course, he moved in with a woman he had known years ago, and then texted his wife that he was not coming home. That is cold! She was caught completely off guard, and devastated. They were married for a long time, and active in their community. He suddenly unfriended people on Facebook, and they were calling her to see what they had done to offend him! The whole thing was complete sabotage awful guerilla warfare, and she was blindsided.

    Of course, his new relationship didn’t work, and he tried to hoover back. Fortunately, in the meantime, she did some investigating, and found out what a complete trusting chump she had been, and she refused his advances. That is the one good thing about the marriage police, it completely destroys chump hopes of “he’s temporarily insane and he will be magically cured, and we will return to the dream.”. Hopium really sucks!!

    Anyway, I asked why she didn’t leave Texas, and all the bad memories. She said “it is my home” . I got it. It is all she has left, and it brings her comfort. She was so glad to actually talk to another chump, one who knew how it felt. On the surface, she is an attractive woman, well off financially, but alone. Under this veneer she is deeply wounded.

    I really don’t care about cheaters who confess. It is not my job to forgive them. I am more concerned about the welfare of the chump. Amends? What could this possibly be? They may be sorry they got caught, but I don’t care. I don’t believe other people should be able to control my personal life and health decisions. Take care of yourself, mind your own business and leave mine alone. Paying strangers who spy on me with government funds to keep me from making my own health decision? Seriously? That is a vigilante not a trained medical professional, They can be vigilant inside their own home, minding their own business. Don’t leave home and enforce your opinion on me, particularly while toting a weapon and seeking public funds to support your effort.


    • I apologize if this is a ramble about several issues — I have a lot on my mind right now and when I watch the news and then read CL, sometimes all this stuff gets wrapped up in a big ball in my mind. Unravel at your own peril, I suppose,

      My point is Texas is home to some chumps, and they may not support some of the legal crap that is going on there just now. I live in Tennessee, and I am in the political minority here. I have some people who “represent” my state in both houses of US Congress and the state legislature who don’t represent my point of view either. We have chumps from around the world in chump nation, and their personal trauma is bad enough without the political trauma in their part of the world, too. Cheaters and Dictators of “morality” who righteously preach one thing and do another get no mercy from me. People who leave their home, travel to a hotspot armed with a weapon, and insert themselves in a hot political situation with no training or authority are not practicing self defense, either. People who report personal activity and decisions of others seeking a government award are beyond terrible. This is not even Big Brother watching , this could be your own brother or a neighbor watching and reporting your business! How can this be lawful? How can this be supported?

      If you “made a horrible personal mistake and you are truly sorry”, try to figure out an amends. Don’t publicly cry crocodile tears and try to scrub your image. If you selfishly hurt a chump, you really don’t want me to be your judge, or on your jury. Seriously. Just slither away.

      • Yes, the words coming out of their mouths should be, “I’m sorry,” not, “I’m sorry, but…”. Many years ago I read Wild Swans, a book about the communist revolution in China, and, while i do not understand the fear of socialism in America, coming from a highly socialist country myself, this reporting on neighbours, family and friends reeks of the purge of intellectuals, teachers and any kind of person whose free thinking brought into question the new government’s party line I read about in that book. I just can’t fathom how that an organisation that promotes that kind of behaviour within a legal framework no less, has got a toehold in ‘The Land of The Free’. But perhaps this comment is too political, so I’ll just say, fuck cheaters and hypocrites, who make other’s lives more hard and miserable while simulataneously doing whatever the hell makes them feel good.

        • People are whingeing about shopping early for Christmas. “My Amazon package might not get here in time !” And the empty shelves in some stores.

          I just think of visiting east Berlin for a day before the wall came down. Nothing on the shelves. Nothing. It explained all the west Berliners with their fully loaded, wheeled shopping caddies waiting to go through the checkpoint to visit family and make some money on the black market.

  • If helping homeschooling parents, running their curriculum, and planning a whole town isn’t enough to keep this gal busy and entertained, what would be? She has to also sneak around on her husband? Not to mention her supposed faith values? Some people sure do need a lot of ‘activities’!! LOL
    I can barely keep my house stocked and my family content, where do they find the time????

    • FreeWoman, I suspect many of these malignant super dynamic types are powered by the fuel of personality disorder. Without guilt, insight and empathy to hold you back, getting shit done is simply finding ways to push things through, and finding the right people to do it, ie people pleasers, soft-hearted chumps etc that you can bulldoze over with your forceful, boundary-less personality (disorder).

  • More on yesterday’s topic and linked to today’s “cheaters are otherwise good people” and that cheating is somehow a separate issue when assessing the quality of someone’s moral inventory, from my own case files…

    Yesterday was the annual Thanksgiving lunch at the company I own (co-founded with X, who was not there due to shoulder surgery). A former employee and his wife, gourmet cooks, BBQ the turkeys and smoke salmon he catches. They oversee the banquet, which means about 40 people. A very generous gesture. Very nice couple. Good people.

    Or so I thought until 2019.

    They lost their house in the wildfires in my area in October 2017. X and I agreed to let them live rent-free in the loft area of one of our buildings, which we own, for a period of time after they were so tragically displaced.

    Some time later, after they moved out, at one of our business meetings I learned that this couple had asked our bookkeeper for an invoice to present to their insurance company so they could collect a reimbursement check for rent paid to us for their post-fire housing.

    You read that right.

    I was furious. Not to mention hurt. Etc.

    I have never felt the same about them. I don’t care how nice or good they seem or what nice or good they do. I don’t want them around anymore. That SAYS IT ALL about who they are and they can shove their turkeys and smoked salmon.

    And of course, Benedict OJ Madoff, the boundary-less codependent compartmentalizing expert liar cheater thief, sees nothing out of integrity by continuing the relationship with them.

    They were there yesterday. I’ve made my opinion known. But the word that escaped me yesterday was DEALBREAKER.

    I have issues. Everyone else has issues. No one is perfect or achieves sainthood or issue-free status. My nickname is Whip, for Work In Progress. I seem to remember even saints have issues.


    • PS…

      LAJ my question was curiosity, not criticism…printed communication can be a challenge….


      • That was so nice of you, Velvet Hammer, to let those people stay at your place. I can’t believe they tried to get reimbursed for money they didn’t pay! Wow.

    • One thing that I read on the blog that struck me was that someone that cheats in one area of life (say, taxes), has demonstrated entitlement to cheat in other areas of life.

      The ex-FW had just been audited by the IRS, caught cheating on his taxes, when he began cheating on me.

      Another red flag I missed.

    • Inquiring mind wants to know.
      Why were they at this year’s celebration ?
      What happened to the bookkeeper ? Is this person still an employee ?
      You’re whip smart VH

      • Mr and Mrs Grifter are invited to come and cook by co-owner X. Mr. Grifter left several years ago for a better deal with another company, one who we do work for.

        My one vote is only worth one vote on the board of directors. Whatever intelligence I may possess doesn’t change that however much I wish it did.

        The bookkeeper still works for us. She is great…not the problem. (They did not get an invoice for their insurance company, BTW). She was as put off as I was.

  • So, the takeaway is one should not tithe or vote for known cheaters if we want the social narrative about cheating to change.

    I can live with that.

    • Almost Monday, many people in the UK who voted for the current prime minister and his ‘team’ are learning that the hard way. When my mother, whose narcissistic traits are strong, complains about her situation and the state of our country and I say ‘you voted for Brexit, you voted Tory’, she answers with ‘they lied to us’. At that point there are no words! I shrug and turn away. England is not a happy place right now. Cheaters lie in every aspect of their lives.

  • The Jesus paradigm with regards to infidelity is so strange. My FW a proud catholic told me I should pray to GOD for making her f/suck the Gardener’s entire tool shed and I’m assuming the hired help. So, being the good atheist that I am I found that she was a terrible catholic and will go to hell. I think the Jesus paradigm actually “saves” the chump. We actually receive gods good graces when we leave the monster and live our life. Thank you Jesus for helping me.

    • Even in the worst of my pain, I knew deep in my soul that in the LONG run, I would be better off than Cheater. I really believed that God would honor my faithfulness and allow me to flourish in some manner at some point in the future (I had no idea when or how).

      I prayed for Cheaters soul regularly…his soul was more of my focus than my situation becoming better. I was faithful to the commitment (as a Catholic wife) to try to get my husband to heaven.

      The outcome for me was much more overt and extreme than I could have possibly ever imagined.

      Cheater died and got a hero’s send off. I really believe in Purgatory and often think about what it would be like for him to realize that he had been given many gifts in life that he shat on. When he got there, he likely learned that I kept his well-being central even after deep betrayal. I prayed for him and shed tears by the thousands.. I remember soon after day praying on my knees and blowing into my wet hands to send my tears to Heaven.

      I was freed from his treachery and got all the material benefits of a surviving spouse which allowed me to pay off every debt and really help my kids. I found love with a sweet (silly) man who has more than I have. He supports me in my meaningful, benevolent (yet horribly underpaid job). We collect antiques, travel the world and have a lovely life.

      The money has been a really weird thing…in both childhood and adulthood, I never sought money – middle class would have been FINE for me…I craved deep, healthy, loving relationships. My parents and husband 1.0 were harsh, shallow, manipulative people who always wanted wealth and never got it. I sometimes feel like a walking example of irony and the benevolent side of comeuppance.

  • The FW is a Jesus cheater. He cheated through his marriage all while doing mission work, homeschooling their children in a Christian environment. (yeah I ignored that red flag, shame ion me).

    When I met him we started attending church together. We tried several before we found one we both felt had the right values. And as we found that church and even started going to small group, at his encouragement, he started cheating on me. (there is a picture of us taken at the grand opening of the new church, which was just days before he started with her).

    After D-day, when he could still contact me, he would sign his emails “God is good, always”.

    He thinks by confessing his sins and by reading the bible that he is absolved.

    His newest victim is “a good Christian woman” like his wife. Maybe that’s why he likes her, because Christian women tend to follow the path of forgiving sin instead of giving actual consequences.

    I, being a newbie Christian, never attempted reconciliation. I no longer consider myself a Christian, or anything. My Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings are my own.

    And I am a much better friend and citizen of the world than he will ever be, no matter how good he thinks his god is.

    • Yep, that’s what I find so sad, the christian precept of forgiveness is weaponised against people who are abused, by their abusers. Sometimes people simply behave in an unforgivable manner, and then forgiveness is not about restoration, it’s about leaving and saying that there is nothing that either owes each other that could make it right and letting go on the aggrieved party’s side to not expect closure or hold anger, but simply move on.

  • Ant it is always those guys who get caught. Catholics who lie and steal.
    Remember the Hungarian minister who was so loudly ant-gay, only to be found at an orgy in Brussels?
    Ted Haggart who hired male prostitutes?

    My ex always told me that she thought cheating was awful. Until she did it herself of course.
    And then there was some lame excuse.

    These people justify their own actions to themselves :” I have always done the right thing, therefor I am allowed to sin once, as my moral actions by far outweigh my immoral actions “.

    My ex ran for a while with the line ” I have always put other people first, this was finally something I did for myself”
    It then changed to ” He was just a friend who listened to me during our loveless marriage ”
    Then: ” my ex-husband was a terrible, controlling person, I found a new lease on life ” ( she told that to a colleague of mine, not knowing that we knew each other)
    Now , when addressing me: ” You were awful to me and need to apologize”

    They live in an alternative reality, which they shape so it suits them.

    • Yep, cheater ‘used to be’ terribly judgemental about everyone and everything, then after slipping up, he’s gone all humble and, “I can’t judge anyone, we are all human, after all”, “we don’t know their story or what goes on behind closed doors” etc, and has suddenly become this open-minded person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. Except not really, he just has the intelligence to see the hypocrisy of him trying to openly pass judgement on others after being such a tool. He’s also all, I need to forgive myself and move on, I need to see myself as a good person, and I can’t be defined by one mistake forever – ie. Stig, you are a bitter, unforgiving shrew. I’m not saying you have to cheater, but I’d at least expect to see contrition, a little more introspection and time feeling sad about the damage you’ve done, and some changes to the way you treat others around you. Nope, it’s all, “I’m okay, so everything should be okay. Let’s just go back to the way it was, and forget this ever happened”. The trouble with that, is that you were immature, selfish, mean and entitled even without the cheating, I just didn’t see it before. Byebye cheater.

  • Abortion bounty hunters remind me of Salem witch hunters. The radical religious right is chock-full of people who are holier than thou, an attitude which fuels entitlement as well as reduced empathy for the people (mostly women) they judge so harshly.

    When empathy is dialed down (or is naturally low to begin with), cheating on a spouse is easier. “Love thy neighbor” means compassion for all, not disregard thy marriage vows and cheat on thy spouse.

  • “As Mrs. Beckman has started her journey towards recovery, the RCA Board of Directors has become aware of a serious spiritual matter that is the underlying basis for her current physical and emotional suffering. Accordingly, the Board has asked her to take additional time away for both physical and spiritual healing and counseling,” the letter said.

    They also requested a meal train for the Beckman family.

    Well well well – lets take a cheater a casserole, shall we??

    • Yes. The serious spiritual matter is that she’s a sinner like everyone else.

      But I suspect there’s going to be a complicated story about childhood abuse.

      Lots of us went through that and didn’t feel compelled to set up tax avoiding schemes to exploit our co-religionists.

      On the other hand, scared people who want to create Safe World, where only Good People are allowed to live, are often victims of childhood abuse.

      Once again: the answer to this is therapy, not financial fraud and adultery.

      • It’s problematic when the gatekeepers to this ‘safe world’ are predators who have breached the social norms and religious code-of-ethics before anyone even enters the sanctuary, or at least continues to opine on the importance on those elements as conditions of entry, when day-to-day they are willfully violating the very standards they expect others to uphold. tl;dr hypocrisy is bad, m’kay, Kiri.

  • As someone who has Complex PTSD resulting from years and years of abuse throughout my life, I have a hard time even composing the appropriate words for an abuser who is whining about how abusing others gave them Complex PTSD. I guess just “fuck all the way off” will suffice.

  • i’m hung up on exactly what kind of casserole one preps for a cheater? deconstructed cabbage rolls? cheater chicken pot pies?

    definitely something with velveeta cheese.

    • For kicks and giggles, a Fun Friday challenge.
      Casserole recipes for cheaters AND more importantly chumps. A dash of arsenic for the cheater or just some laxative ? ???? Kidding !
      This is Throat Punch Thursday based on the news. At least I don’t live in Poland where all abortions are banned, even if the mother’s health is in jeopardy.

    • Ok, I grew up with and love Velveeta. California Pizza Kitchen Mac and cheese is made with it.

      Leave Velveeta alone! ????

  • If it wasn’t so sad, pathetic and genuinely damaging for so many people who put their good faith (literally) in these trashheap people, including disclosing very personal details of their intimate reproductive lives, I’d call Katherine Hahn and an aging third-tier Henry Cavill impersonator for the lead characters in the Lifetime TV biopic, or better still, short SNL sketch. Jesus cheaters are a special breed, who have the sangfroid to equivocate their dirty deeds in their mind to the extent that they can turn up multiple times a week to pro-actively serve as the moral arbitors of other people’s lifestyle choices and directions, all the while getting all tingly at the thought of their prospective shenanigans with their co-conspirators. It’s sociopathy, pure and simple. My family member, a serial cheater and molester, had the moral blindness that he sad sausaged that he felt like a bad person, after all the public good deeds he’d done, including serving as a church deacon, choirmaster, Sundayschool teacher, lodge member etc. This was all bullshit, he used all those opportunities to satisfy his predatory instincts and cancel out the dodgy behaviour he hid in plain sight, because, hey he was a good guy who gave so much to others.

  • I wonder if the Episcopal bishop “Judas Jack” who died in September is burning in hell right now. He drove his first wife crazy (she suffered from acute paranoia, according to him) and he carried on with staff at the diocese. Cage match between an admin and one of first women to be ordained. The secretary won the turd, survives him, with his three daughters. Thankfully none of his kids spawned so no narc traits to model and traumatize future generations. ????

  • I’m in Texas and I swear – between the abortion police and the book banning and the Covid response -well, let’s say that nothing really shocks me. Everything is bigger in Texas including the hypocrisy.

    But I digress. What struck me about this is that her response could’ve been written by my ex. We’ve been divorced three years and he still claiming to be the victim, still ignoring the kids, still blaming me etc. etc. There’s no apology, no sincerity, just blatant narcissism.

    The affairs, of course, are my fault. I was not liberal enough! If I only would have been more open minded, I would have understood his need to bang anything that walked.

    Twelve years of affairs, two long-term mistresses, and a 1000 lies and not one apology to me or our kids. Rather, he’s currently fixated on forgiving himself and getting past his “unhealthy guilt.” His words, not mine. He’s also pretty focused on letting everyone know that his mistress (whom he married) is nothing but a victim in all of it and dang -why can’t the kids and I accept her for the wonderful person she is!?

    Gotta love the mental gymnastics that he employs in order to sleep at night! Ban the books. It’s good for everyone.

  • The ex and I met at a fairly alternative Christian event and I really thought God had got us together. We were part of a Christian movement that emphasized a real, honest relationship with God and the joy and beauty of life. 23 years later I’m still a part of that sincere and inspiring community; but he left me to ‘explore’ his relationship with his ponygirl and become a shaman.
    Jesus spoke about people like Kari and Jim. He said they were ‘whitened sepulchures’, that is, tombs that are beautiful and well-kept on the outside, but there’s only emptiness, rot and decay on the inside. A powerful image for all hypocrites in every walk of life.

  • As the grandchild of a Jesus cheater (man), and the child of a cheater (woman) who was undoubtedly messed up partly due to her father’s actions, I hope this Kari woman has taken into consideration that her selfish actions may have taken a toll on her children. If she wanted out of her marriage that is one thing, and ok fine if she wanted that, and was upfront about it, but she seems to be oblivious to the fact that her deception would affect anyone else. I can absolutely say that in my family the affect of this hypocrasy has echoed down the years. I feel for her kids. I hope her husband is a strong man who is committed to the truth, and can demonstrate to their kids that her way is not the way to live. I hope he is not an appeaser who puts up with abuse from his wife so the kids think that putting up with abuse or dishonesty is the way to live.

    • And for Kari or any of her supporters reading this: I was baptised a Catholic. You do not have any moral superiority over me. The lords work does not include treating others with contempt. I forgive the behaviour but I do not condone it.

  • I’m a 7th generation Texan. I live in Texas. People are friendly here. Down to earth. Soulful. Hard-working. Just like anywhere else. Cross the border and people are all pretty much the same. Just today I met people from France, Puerto Rico, Egypt, North Carolina, California, South America, Florida and Korea. We had great conversations, except for the woman from Egypt, who knew no English. She and I smiled and nodded at each other. I talked with the others of life and death, dating, the corona virus, sports teams, community, software, facebook ads and drones. And we told stories of our lives and laughed. My stories weren’t any different than their stories because I was from Texas.

    I’m Christian. It doesn’t mean I have it all together or that I’m perfect. It means that I realize I’m so far from perfect that I need a mediator/ savior/ to have a relationship with the creator.

    I’m pro-marriage. I believe the institution of marriage should be respected and cherished. I hate to hear about people who do not respect marriage and who cheat on their spouses or their loved ones. Where were their bodies when they killed their marriages? Oh. They were in the heat of passion. Cheaters think that passion trumps marriage. I do not.

    I’m pro-life. I believe that life should be respected and cherished. I hate to hear about people who do not respect life and who kill other people, especially unborn babies who never had a chance in this world. Where were the mothers’ bodies when they conceived those babies? Oh. They were in the heat of passion. Some think that passion trumps life. I do not.

    I believe in making decisions and then following through with the consequences of those decisions.

    • Light Heart,

      I dont recognize your name so you may be new here…if so, Im really sorry for whatever brought you here…it all sucks.

      If you dont know us well, this thread wouldn’t be the best intro…we’re generally not a group that bashes anyone but Cheaters. Dont give up on us…you will find support here. Situations like this tend to bring out rather primitive reactions in people who have been very hurt. (Ive found that very hurt people can sometimes act like “sunburned porcupines” both sensitive to inflicted pain and capable of inflicting it at the same time.)

      If you haven’t yet, ind a thread that resonates with you and tell your Cheater story.

      • If I’m not mistaken, CL lives in Texas or lived there long enough to be acquainted with its peculiarities.

        I wasn’t born on the high and holy soil of Texas, but I’ve been here most of my life. I’m married to a Texan whose family has been here since Texas was Mexico. I love this place. I love Texas people, mostly.

        Here’s the thing: Texas is not above criticism, but some Texans act like it is.

        Not that she needs my permission, but CL can keep slinging barbs our way. We Texans can handle a little heat.

        • Right there… now let’s go get some biscuits and sausage gravy for breakfast! I’ve been thinking about it since last night and I’m craving it now…!!!

  • Unicornomore,

    Thank you for your very heartfelt comment.

    I’m not new here, but I don’t comment a lot. I have trouble with my Internet, and sometimes during transmission my real name comes through instead of Light Heart, and I’ve had to ask Chump Lady three times to change it, which she did, right away! So I don’t comment often. But I read every day. It’s so witty, on-point and relevant in our world today.

    I’m a person that people call when they’re in relationship distress. Just last night someone called me. Her husband is a pastor and he’s handsome and all the women like him and bring their stories to him and cry on his shoulder and she’s down on herself for feeling her feelings about it. I listened and told her I’d feel the same way.

    My own story is simple. I was married and my husband told me that he met someone he wanted to date. He said they had talked on the phone a bit, but had not spent time together, and that he felt that our marriage was over and he wanted to be free. I said okay and that was it. I believed him. It was my own kind of D-Day. It was PAINFUL. But there were not all the lies and deception and double-dipping that I’m reading about here, as far as I know. I did do all the STD testing but I was fine. He was usually a truth-teller and I think he told me at the beginning, rather than after the fact.

    Since then I’ve had the same problem of the woman who called me last night. Just men flirting with other women while they’re with me. Or soaking up the strokes. I’ve had to leave three relationships now because of that; it might be more prevalent in this day and age. Or maybe I’m more sensitive to it because my husband left? Not sure. But I am sure about how I feel about it. I feel like they’re riding the line of my comfort zone and keeping me on edge, and knowing it all the while. And I’m simply not okay with a man who will have such little regard for my feelings.

    So next time… I’ll be looking for one of those guys who is more secure with himself, and just doesn’t need the extra strokes from other folks. I believe some men are like that. (They know it’s dangerous to play with dynamite.) Looking for a True Blue… but I’m beginning to just be so happy without that kind of drama, you know, that I’m in a good place of whatever happens, happens!

    Taking it one moment at a time and loving it!

    I’ve also been away from Texas for a long time, in a place where people bash Americans a lot, and I’ve found it so refreshing to be around Americans again, and especially Texans! People are just FRIENDLY here. And I have ROOTS here. Texans are amazing and light and upbeat and innovative and entrepreneurial and techy and making things happen. I love our Texas culture and I’ll probably never leave. Come for a visit! You’ll be treated like a long-lost friend!

  • While I’m on a roll here…

    I have a friend who is a bubbly, engaging, unbelievably beautiful human being who was a product of rape. The relationship with his mother is strained at times, but he is a delightful person and I’m so glad to know him.

    I have a family member with Down’s Syndrome and he is a loving, caring, amazing child. I love him to pieces. He adds to our lives.

    I was a witness to a woman who found that her unborn child’s skeleton was actually outside the body, and told that the baby would die at birth. She was cautioned that she could be harmed during the birthing process, but she and her husband decided to go to term with the baby. She delivered the baby girl, they named her, celebrated her moments of life on earth, witnessed her death and buried her.

    I was awestruck. By their faith. By their love. By their experience. By the whole thing… oh my…

  • Don’t blame Jesus Christ for what his followers do. They will pay for their actions for the rest of their lives. He who has no sin cast the first stone! That’s not original by the way.

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