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Woman Donates Kidney to Cheating Boyfriend

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Well, CN, you may have been chumped, but at least you got to keep all your organs.

Did you see this news item about the TikTokker @colleeeniie, who says as a young woman she donated her kidney to her boyfriend with renal disease, and then, by way of thank you — he cheated on her and dumped her? With the final send off that she was giving him LIFE to “look good”?

Apparently, she’s still processing it. On TikTok. (But I’m a woman with a blog, so I don’t judge.)

Talk about being a partner appliance!

@colleeeniie Reply to @jenn.eunice I’m so sorry this took a long time! Let me know if you’re interested in part 2! #storytime #fyp #foryoupage #kidneydonor ♬ I am at ur moms house – Elizabeth Chetwynd

Can you get your internal organs back in a break up? Are there repo men for this? With fish knives and dirty twine?

I particularly like the part where seven months after he gets the kidney, he reportedly goes to Las Vegas “with a church group” for a bachelor party.

Uh-huh.

Colleen, you needed to talk to CN about that. We know from Bible study in hotel rooms.

She tried to forgive him (there are no sunk costs like I-gave-you-a-kidney sunk costs) and he dumped her. Because they only transplant organs, not souls.

Despite it all, she seems pretty resilient. It can only go up from here. Maybe the kidney will reject him. In Las Vegas. Because it wants to see other organs.

@colleeeniie 🙃🙃🙃 #fyp #foryoupage #bulletproof #relationship #lovestory ♬ Bulletproof – La Roux

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • He needs a new kidney for all the drinking he has to do in Vegas. “Hey, babe, try to understand, it’s all about me.” Party on.

      • RossLucy,

        I’ll latch onto your tangent with horror about the pig heart transplant recipient who had stabbed a man, forcing him to spend the next twenty years of his life in a 🦽. Victim died and psycho only spent six years in prison and now has a new heart. The pig was probably kinder.

        • Probably because prisoners are sometimes given an opportunity to be medically experimented on in exchange for a reduced sentence.

          • (He had already finished his short prison term years before the transplant. The victim’s sister was stunned when she saw the medical breakthrough news and recognized the man who crippled her late brother)

        • They say that some transplant recipients take on characteristics of their donor. I wonder if the guy will start rolling in mud and eating slop? 😂

      • In this context, him having a vaccine IS a medical decision. So all those saying it needs to stay out of the medical context are blowing it out through their rear ends. Donated organs always go to those who have the best chance of benefitting from it, not someone who could increase their chances but refuse to do it.

      • I was chatting to my neice last night, she lives in Vancouver. Apparently there was a world wide protest against the vaccine. A man whose son was in hospital with leukaemia was trumpeting on telly about how he was refused permission to visit his son, because he wouldn’t be vaccinated. The mind just boggles.

        • Agree what has this to do with cheating??!!! Other than political venting.

          Most people don’t have a problem with vaccinations but are NOT comfortable with the new gene modulated mRNA vaccine that came about through Donald Trump’s “Operation Warp Speed” !!

          It gives people pause not knowing the long term effects and is more and more out of date due to mutations (all viruses naturally do) just for four months of lessening severe symptoms.

          Too bad they didn’t fast track Novavax, a traditional vaccine safe effective and works on all variants. Now being approved all over the world.

          • I’m sorry, but you are flat out wrong about the mRNA vaccines. I know because I am an mRNA researcher and know the origins and history of the material and how it works, and while I’m not that keen on hijacking Tracy’s blog for this, I can’t let your misinformation stay out there without a rebuttal.

            1) mRNA vaccines have been in development and use for over a decade. They did NOT come from “Warp Speed”. These vaccines stopped 2 ebola outbreaks in their tracks (2014 and 2016), saving hundreds of people from almost certain death with few reported side effects. Fewer, in fact, than the traditional virus-based vaccine. which was only marginally effective. None of the people who received them suffered any long term effects from them.

            2)Viruses mutate. It’s what they do. Traditional vaccines (which is NOT what NovaVax is, btw, it’s just not an mRNA vaccine) are LESS likely to be able to be able to keep up in time to be administered quickly because of how they are made. Both the mRNA and protein adjuvant vaccines (NovaVax) can be fairly quickly modified to produce variant specific vaccines because they are done with genetic engineering and produced in large quantities in synthesizing machines. Traditional vaccines are made by either using attenuated (live non or mildly infective) whole viruses, or bits and pieces of viruses, to stimulate the immune system. This is what the polio vaccine is, for example. So to produce a vaccine for every variant, you’d have to passage it several times through host animals or tissue culture to attenuate it or make enough of it to make the “bits and pieces” required, then grow up industrial quantities of this in cell culture, making it expensive to produce. Suffice it to say that neither the drug companies nor the insurance industry are happy with that model.

            3)NovaVax will soon be approved for use in the US. NovaVax first had to follow the emergency approval process for said use, which took a while to gather all the data and file for approval. Funny how it’s the same people who mistrusted the EUA process for the mRNA vaccines who are ticked off that the government didn’t just skip all of that for the NovaVax protein vaccine. Either we have rules, or we don’t – and the rules for one type of vaccine need to be followed for all the the rest to ensure safety and efficacy. Both types of vaccines are now proven safe and effective, at about the same levels. That people are easily mislead by all the conspiracy bullcrap floating around is a sad indictment of our failure to teach both science and critical thinking.

            • Thank you MD-PhD chump for such a succinct yet comprehensive overview. It’s the kind of brilliant nutshell response that is so needed and it truly can assist people to understand. What has been achieved by the global medical and research community is simply astounding.

            • Thank you for all of that information. Hopefully it will help the term mRNA be less scary to some.

          • Do you think that Trump made them himself? If that was true, no way I would’ve gotten them but he didn’t. At this point there have been BILLIONS of doses. They are safe. The short/long term effects of getting Covid are much, much worse than the vaccines. Apparently the term mRNA is especially scary, no idea why.

  • Wow, I know its not a content, but this makes the memorial tattoo I got for my Cheater (who I later learned was a serial adulterer) look like a walk in the park.

    Damn. I wish there was a way for her to sue for damages, but there probably isnt.

    • I got a tattoo too but it’s somewhat ambiguous and I’ve decided to treat it as a warning…

    • I got a tattoo *after* I was done with X. The very afternoon that he signed the settlement papers, in fact. I designed it, and it includes a phrase from my favorite book: “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.” It’s not a real language, but in the book, it translates to “don’t let the bastards grind you down.” It’s the only one I’ll ever have, and I absolutely love it.

      • It’s from The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t it? I thought it was Latin for the interpretation you gave.🤷‍♂️

        • Yes! 😁 It’s not true Latin – it’s an attempted interpretation of it by a former Handmaid who looked through the Commander’s library and used one of his old Latin primers to code her message to future Handmaids. LOVE that book!

          • Ha! I have a T-shirt w/that on it from either the book or the film. The FW XW gave it to me early in our marriage because I admired it (it was hers). After she left me, I thought it was very fitting that she gave it to me. She just didn’t realize that she was part (and Queen) of the bastards. And that’s HER problem. I liked that book very much as well, and the film, too. Chilling. Couldn’t bring myself to watch the TV series. Too many memories associated w/it at the time. It started the year D-day happened, 2017. Ugh.😐

    • And I know they are young, etc… etc… but sweet baby Jeezuz, after what she did for him, you’d think he’d be OTT respectful and kind to her regardless of their relationship status… nope.

      • It is not in their character to be kind, or consider anyone but themselves.

        My fw went on to attempt to screw over his own son after he married his whore. Luckily son caught it and TCB.

        We just keep expecting them to act like a decent human, but they don’t and won’t.

      • Parasites will shamelessly take, take, take and then have the audacity to resent you for it, devalue you, and throw you away like you never mattered.

        You can put these idiots through medical school, or quit your own job to help them build a business or raise their children, and 10 years later they’ll walk away saying it’s THEIR career or THEIR business and that you did nothing and you badgered them into having kids anyway.

        I had a co-worker who was one of these parasites. He was sleeping with strangers on Tinder and married one of them after she gave him a car and sponsored him for citizenship. Meanwhile he had the audacity to ask me for the offer letter I’d received from our job, saying he was going to use it as “leverage” to ask for a raise!!

        Uh, negotiation doesn’t work that way, chuckles. Apparently he was happy to throw me under the bus with management by making wild demands and waving MY offer letter around and saying, “Look what Cam showed me!”

        I declined his request, blocked his number, and never spoke to him again.

    • Such a perfect example of how blindly nice, giving, and caring chumps are. It the very reason we are sought out by people who live to take.

      I propose that Tuesday gets a little closer and our pickers get a tune up when we simply ask ourselves: “what is the other person getting out of this” and “what am I getting out of this” and lay the inequalities bare.

      • This is so true! When you think through “What are they getting out of this,” and realize it’s to take no blame and get kibbles, everything makes sense, and you realize there’s nothing you could have done to please them, except play along with their fantasy and gaslight yourself. And what you’re supposed to be getting out of that is the prize of being in their majestic presence. So much easier to let go when you realize how lopsided that is.

    • I love the self serving projection. You couldn’t possibly have donated your kidney out of compassion and love because that’s not something I would have done. Grandiosing and Munchausen’s however, THAT I understand! 🙄🙄🙄

  • On the upside, I guess that anyone who ever felt that their divorce cost them an arm and a leg can watch this and think that “at least I left the marriage with all of my internal organs.”

    On a more serious note, I really don’t know how cheaters like this can sleep at night …. although I suspect that it is because they really don’t care who they hurt in their quest to put their own needs above everyone else’s. I really hope that the young lady gets the help that she is likely to need in processing this.

    LFTT

      • HoaC,

        I would guess that she’s being careful in not naming him explicitly, as per CL’s mantra of “if it feels good don’t do it.” That said, anyone who knew them as a couple will have worked out what a POS he is anyway.

        LFTT

    • I dunno about leaving intact: seems like I left a chunk of my cervix in the OR after FW passed me high risk HPV. The thing about HPV is that you might not discover that little gift for 11-12 years after you part ways.

      • Also in the HPV gift bag holding your breath for annual pap results and increased cancer risk. I wonder how many of us have had that surgery.

      • But not 20 yesrs later, right? I swear a bunch of cheating FW medical researchers and so-called science journalists got together to claim HPV can cause cancer some 20 years later in order to boost cheaters’ protests that their chumps’ cervical and throat cancer DXs resulted from chumps’ sexual encounters before they met.

        Something seems off with the stretched out incubation. Suddenly cancerous strains are more patient?

        I’m so sorry to hear you became a statistic. Every chump lives in fear of this.

      • I agreed that “intact” is an exaggeration, even if you’re only talking about physically intact. I have every sympathy for this caring woman who donated a kidney to a person in need, but one thing she has going for her is that she’s still young and pretty. I gave my young and pretty years to my FW and got shafted in response. Now I’ll probably never be able to find a lifelong partner, both because so few are available at my age, and because I’m much less attractive at my age.

        • That would be true of numerous idiots whose only criterion for a “lifelong” partner is a) young and b) pretty. But do you want an idiot? And no one stays young forever! I promise you there are people of quality who look for intelligence, style, character, humor, etc., all of which are ageless qualities. They are out there!

    • “On the upside, I guess that anyone who ever felt that their divorce cost them an arm and a leg can watch this and think that “at least I left the marriage with all of my internal organs.”

      😂😂😂👏👏👏👏

      Oh boy, that was *brilliant*.

  • Wow. Just wow.

    And FW accuses her a donating the organ just to look good? I bet a million dollars he BULLIED her into it.

    Like Unicornomore says, this is not a contest. But I don’t forget the feeling I had when I was bulllied by sparkledick to pay for the funeral of his brother´s MIL.
    And why did this brother not have the cash? Because brother has two parallel families, one is secret. But I know because I ran into to Parallel Secret Family.

    Poor Donor Chump! When you think you’ve seen it all!

  • Everyday I am flabbergasted by cheaters. There is literally no low cheaters won’t sink too. Nothing is too vile and degraded for a cheater. You can literally give them an organ and a cheater will still cheat.

    I was only figuratively gutted by Fuckface. It merely felt like he took a pound of flesh. Colleen literally handed over her flesh. I hope she has her own copy of LACGAL.

  • “Maybe the kidney will reject him.”
    Is CL gold.

    The rest is almost unbelievable, then I realize “cheaters will do anything for strange.” I can just see it in Las Vegas.

    Him— “Do you want to see my scar from my time in Afghanistan as a secret agent”.
    Strange— “I’m on the pill”.
    Repeat

  • A comedian was given a kidney from his wife. They later divorced. Don’t know any more than that but my thinking is WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK!!??! The guy is ALIVE because of her. Now this one.

  • I’m hanging on to hope that it might be fake.

    we give cheaters years of our life, our bodies, our fertility, so we’re all donors there.

    • Quetzal, true, we are all donors, our lives, financial stability, our futures, our innocence.
      There’s no low too low for selfish, self serving, manipulative people.
      As expert manipulators they usually convince people of their innocence and they were the victims. If Chump hadn’t *****(fill in the blank) what were they supposed to do?

      At one time this story would have surprised me but after what I’ve been through with Cheater and reading the stories on CN, I’m not surprised.

  • But how many of us would have donated an organ to our spouses before we learned of the cheating? All of us. It’s our generosity and dedication that makes us so perfectly chumpable.

    Good Friday challenge: describe your best quality that your cheater-ex twisted for their own gain.

    • I was just thinking this. I would have done anything for my husband, so, yes… he would have walked out the door with my organs in him, easily.

    • I remember, not long before he died when I realized that I had done literally everything I could to help Cheater have/live a happy life and none of it helped.

      We were in the car after a nice walk in the woods and I said “If me giving up my left arm would shift a wrinkle in the universe which would allow you to be happy, I would willingly make that sacrifice for you, but nothing I can do will make you happy”

      I think I was somewhat wrong though… he wanted to be rid of me and have zero accountability for it. THAT is what I could have done. That has been my lesson here, he wanted me gone but my chumpy brain just refused to see it.

    • “But how many of us would have donated an organ to our spouses before we learned of the cheating? All of us.”

      Yes, I would’ve donated an organ for my then husband, but not for a *boyfriend*. And I certainly would *not* after I discovered his cheating.

      If the fucker was dying of a heart attack in front of me, I wouldn’t call an ambulance.

      • Yep trust for years.

        I think most chumps are trusting folks. Suspicious untrusting folks are harder to betray.

  • This reminds me of the movie “Take Care” starring Leslie Bibb and Thomas Sadowski. She nurses him through cancer treatment, he recovers and dumps her.

    When Bibb’s character is recovering from a car accident, she contacts him to make him help her.

    It’s not a perfect story, but it’s got some great moments.

    So sad that this happened IRL.

  • This is the ultimate FW narc move.

    The only reason you gave it to me in the first place was to look good.

    Seriously? Does that FW have any idea of what is involved in donation an ORGAN? And the lifetime risks Colleen now faces with just one kidney?

    No bottoms, no boundaries. Just bachelor parties Vegas and the church.

    • That statement from him was projection, projection, projection (with a dash of character assassination)

  • That level of piece of shit will get his. People like that attract other shitty people.

    As for the “to look good” part, nobody thinks that. That’s someone who knows he’s a piece of shit and is trying to convince himself he’d not.

    Process the loss and put your life together.

  • We talk on here a lot about how the fw needs kibbles, needs to stay relevent, even if the attention is negative. As this woman progresses through life she will never be able to forget this or probably ever let go of her anger towards him for what he has done–literally taken a piece of her and kept it. Then towards the end of her life with only one kidney, she will most likely face health problems related to that. Yeah dude, don’t worry–she will never forget you.

    These people are like car theives, taking a joy rides, stripping cars bare of all the parts they can get something for, then abandoning them on the side of the road. Stealing cars has become more and more prevalent these days, just like using and abandoning people. There is a special place in hell for a guy like that. Her only consolation is that his karma will straighten things out. I hope she keeps telling her story and it reaches every woman he gets involved with.

    • So true. One thing that I started to notice about my FW is that he does not respect anything and sees everything as disposable and replaceable.

      There’s a transplant surgeon I knew who was such a FW narc. Wanted to date me and I wasn’t interested. Later came to me apologizing for sleeping with someone else. I was like seriously? I had you pegged as a FW narc from the start and so no you don’t get to have a thrill high and kibbles here. You can’t “cheat” on someone who isn’t in a relationship with you Dr Narc.

      • Their intense egos and sense that everything revolves around them gives them away. Like two year olds. When my son was a toddler he was busy being a toddler and demanding too much. I told him “The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.” He replied “It do too! Da world rebolb awound me.” I asked him what “revolve” meant, and he couldn’t come up with an answer. Just like fuck wits can’t figure out why what they’re doing eventually makes no sense to other people. Once we’ve had a go with a fw narc, we can’t unsee it, can’t help but see it coming when its so blatant, as in your case. I wish there was a way to corral all these nasty sorts and put them on an island with no way off.

        • Yes … so many things we can’t “unknow” once we have been through the FW mental contortion machine of alternate universes and seeing the world through the warping powers of gaslights everywhere.

          I was such a perfect chump. Beautiful, honest, athletic, hardworking, financially independent, smart, generous, empathetic, great mother, devoted wife, etc. All of FW’s OWs were all the opposite = FW adoration machines = kibbles.

          Knowledge of the FW machinery makes us kryptonite to the narc nation. No more cake.

      • I was once pursued by an actor ( I knew him as a writer–long story). I wasn’t interested in him, finding him kind of wormy. Just to illustrate the latter, his declaration of wuv was weirdly aggressive and then he trashed me behind my back professionally when I rejected him. I was just starting out and it did real damage.

        When I ran into him a few years later, he made what sounded like a rehearsed apology, then awkwardly plunked into the conversation that he’d had a sex scene with a then-young and gorgeous Oscar-winning actress. I cringed but only for the sake of the actress who had to soul kiss Señor Wormy. Ew.

        Now that I think of it, at least that narc emmitted warning signals (like skunk musk) for having a pea-sized ego and no character. Would that all FWs could do the same..

        • Wormy is a great descriptor. Worms are like some blandly colored gross slimy goopy lesser and incompetent cousins of snakes who are usually hooked for fishbait. Glad you were able to sidestep Senor pea-sized ego.

          • The FW I married was unfortunately a better actor than wormy Joe Drama and secretly more snake than worm. D’oh!

            They should all have to wear scarlet “Fs.” I think I wouldn’t have gotten married so soon if I hadn’t unconsciously been looking for a body guard and worm-shield.

  • I’m definitely in the camp of “Are there repo men for this? With fish knives and dirty twine?”

    I had to let go of revenge and hate for my ex because it would have killed me but I have plenty for another chump! Errrrr.

  • “Can you get your internal organs back in a break up? Are there repo men for this? With fish knives and dirty twine?”

    Not sure if I should laugh at this, but I seem to recall a movie, “Repo men”, I think, starring Jude Law, Forrest Whittaker and Alice Braga where organs were repossessed. Although it was about artificial organs, there were some dirty fish knives indeed if I recall correctly.

  • Such a waste of time and sacrifice for Colleen bu the only consolation will be that with that kind of executive functioning and horrendous decision-making skills he’s going to own goal sooner rather than later. People like that take stupid risks, and try to shortcut their way through life. He’s going to squander her gift I imagine getting an std or not looking after his health is going to have super serious consequences for him.

  • “Maybe the kidney will reject him. In Las Vegas. Because it wants to see other organs.”

    🤣🤣🤣

    OMG, I feel bad for laughing so hard

  • On the show “Lost” there is a story line where Locke’s father conned Locke in donating his kidney. It destroyed Locke emotionally. The man who got the kidney probably conned the lady to get it. There are evil people out there.

  • Ugh – he even gaslighted her saying “you only gave me this to look good” !!!!!

    How does he live with himself?

  • what an evil thing to do. i mean, my X broke my heart and i wonder if there are physiological changes after ALL. THE. STRESS. but to accept a kidney from your GF and then dump her? that’s unbelievable.

    for some reason, i’m thinking about phantom pain and wondering if the peritoneal linings of her abdomen are missing her kidney. that’s gotta hurt on more than one level. it just does.

    #wincing

    • I hope her cells, being charged with anger, somehow influence her cells in the kidney he took and he can feel it. Hopefully, as CL said, her kidney will reject him. Then good luck finding another willing doner. I hope she keeps putting her story out there.

    • One, it’s entitlement. Of course he should be given ALL the kidneys. He will allow Colleen to save his spechulness. So he can share his amazing self with ALL the women that will appreciate him.

      Two, it’s possible that he is congratulating himself on putting one over on her. See #1.

      I say to all chumps, make new boundaries along the lines of say, never co-signing loans—never donate organs (unless your not using them, in which case feel free).

  • We can definitely file this under the “it could always be worse” category. As CL says, at least most of our cheaters didn’t walk out the door with our organs. (Thank goodness the situation never arose; I definitely would have given my husband one of my kidneys–no hesitation.)

    I often look back and think of how lucky I was to escape with my life, to be honest. Did I have any reason to think my husband might harm me? No, none that I knew of. But so many people in cases of spouse murder or family annihilation all say the same thing: “Never in a million years did I think he was capable of that! He seemed so wonderful.”

    After D-Day #2/GF#3, it finally dawned on me that (1) I couldn’t trust anything he did or said and (2) he had no regard for me. Even worse, he saw me as an obstacle to his happiness. Even worse worse, just by existing I was an enemy to his happiness.

    Chumps have gone missing, only to be found dumped in the woods, for less. After D-Day #2/GF#3, I never felt safe in private spaces with him again. He never gave me a visible reason to think this way, but my gut was nervous around him. I still loved him, but I started listening to my gut. My locks were changed and all unpleasant separation business was conducted in public parking lots and food courts.

    I lost a lot when I realized he was untrustworthy and that my marriage was a mirage. But I feel grateful that I got out with my life and, yes, all my organs. Chumps are in a position to potentially lose so, so much… it’s frightening.

    • Fourleaf, me too. I have recently and finally at long last realized:
      “(1) I couldn’t trust anything he did or said and
      (2) he had no regard for me. Even worse, he saw me as an obstacle to his happiness. Even worse worse, just by existing I was an enemy to his happiness.”

    • I’m with you, Fourleaf. Cheating Bastard Ex never laid a hand on me in anger or otherwise, but he continually risked exposing me to Covid, STDs, etc without my knowledge. In my mind, that was tantamount to playing Russian roulette with my life.
      The day I walked out, I was definitely afraid for my life. My gut screamed, you are not and will never be safe in his presence again. Ergo, I’ve kept the location of my new home under wraps since, save for a few trusted family members and friends. I also travel alot. I have found it helpful.

    • “Did I have any reason to think my husband might harm me? No, none that I knew of. But so many people in cases of spouse murder or family annihilation all say the same thing: “Never in a million years did I think he was capable of that! He seemed so wonderful.””

      Honestly a cold chill runs through me when I read or see an account of yet another woman being killed by her husband or SO, and there is always another woman in the alley.

      Yes it happens to men to.

      My fw was in a hell of a shit pile, not only with conning me, but conning some powerful folks. I don’t know what he would have done had someone not dropped a dime. He was being extremely verbally abusive, and I am sure he was trying to get me to kick him out; so he could drag the whore out of the alley and put it off as “after I dumped him”.

      It is very likely he would not have gotten away with it because as was proven by the caller to out him, someone knew. But, then I would have still been dead.

      These folks are not thinking clear when they are in self protection mode.

      We used to go boating on a regular basis, and I mean even the summer of the year of discard. I shudder to think…

    • I feel very uneasy to say these things out loud, but I have strong reasons (besides my guts screaming) to believe that my XW’s preferred outcome from my discovery of her affair was that I had taken my own life.

      It would have been the best case scenario for her, her FOO and the AP. She would be “grieving” so no one would ask inconvenient questions, but she would sure tell everyone I was unhinged, paranoid, making up stories of betrayal as of late, maybe it was an effect of the lockdown, thank goodness she was lucky to find someone else to comfort her in her darkest hour, they fell in love, it was all for the best, I was suffering, etc., etc. She would get away as a victim and she woukd get away with my pension (I don’t know if this is the correct term in English for payments to widows and minor children).

      Failing that, I think her second best case scenario would have been a confrontation between me and the creepy OM (a crooked cop), which sure would have get me killed. Depending of the fallout maybe she would have to dump him, but colateral damage, you know.

      I know I now sound full paranoid, but please believe me, there were weird conversations, insidious gaslighting, hints, nudges, things very hard to be attributed solely to general assholery. She was painting me crazy for a long time then; was very angry, aggressive and abusive in her exchanges with me; was getting very sloppy with the affair, dropping off many hints for me to pick up; was making sure some people knew (I think in order to publicly humiliate me); was trying to buy a gun (you know, access to guns increases the chances of suicide); didnt’t try to stop me from contacting the OM (and I was explicitly threatened by him) and prior to my discovery of their affair have tried to convince me to let him (her direct report at the time) drive me and my kids during the first covid lockdown back to our home (we were provisionally living in other state, it would have been an at least 5 hour trip through mostly deserted roads). I promptly refused on grounds of his bad reputation alone. It now sends shivers down my spine to just wonder what could have happened in that trip.

      During our short-lived wreckonciliation my guts were screaming all the time. I refused everything she offered me to drink and she insisted a lot (she is a pharmacist and have a habit of self-medicating with benzodiazepines; god only knows what she could have sliped in my cup). Lying by her side on the bed I could only get a few hours of sleep, waking up in the middle of the night shivering, cold-sweating and fully alert.

      It was hell. I can see how I could have ended my life over that. I am grateful I survived. Still didn’t get a life, but hope I am on my way.

      Sorry for the rant, folks, but it does feel good to take these things off my chest. This is a safe place for me.

      • Ex is a doctor and not only lied to me about a medical condition I didn’t actually have, but oversaw my “treatment” which lead to a serious complication. I found out two years after the divorce when I personally requested my images and records directly from the hospital and other providers (not his office). A psychopath will behave like a psychopath.

        Your mind may be playing tricks on you Brazilian. Or not. Either way, your gut is trying to protect you from more harm. Trust it until you know for sure you are safe from her and her pal.

      • I’m so sorry you went through that. It reminds me of a Dear Abby letter I once read. Cheating was never mentioned, but the husband seemed to be trying to kill the wife nevertheless. Whenever they’d have a meal at the husband’s mother’s house, she’d get sick afterwards, & her husband always pooh-poohed her concerns. So finally she secretly switched plates, and he got sick instead. That evening she told him that she had switched the plates, and he glared at her with rage. She filed for divorce after that.

      • Mine didn’t want me to die but after causing me to have a nervous breakdown he hoped I’d fall apart. Not in a punishing way more of a modern day version of having me committed so he could cut me out of his and our kids lives as if I no longer existed. He said to me “the kids will visit you sometimes” after talking me into moving out.

        Thankfully I came to my senses before taking him up on his wonderful offer to help me move and buy me new furniture.

    • Klootzak in recent years took an affinity to recording and watching the show Forensic Files. I studied criminology as an undergrad and didn’t have the keen interest in the show that he has. I remember a class I took taught by an FBI agent. He would sometimes say to the class, “A murder victim is found. Where do we look first?” In unison we would all respond “Nearest and dearest!” The odds of being killed by a stranger are so much lower than by an intimate partner. So Klootzak’s interest in Forensic Files has struck me as his study in how to get away with murder. Maybe I am reading too much into it. But it always made me uncomfortable. I agree with Unicorn’s statement that getting rid of me would be the only thing that could be done to make him happy. Have I been directly threatened? No. But I think these FWs are mentally abnormal so it’s best to be on guard until we can safely get away. I think about this a lot because when I file, he is going to rage over having to split assets with me.

  • The ultimate example of supreme entitlement and malevolence . . . .
    Karma may come from Covid- as he’s likely on massive doses of meds to suppress his immune system and he only has one kidney and he’s partying in Vegas – lethal combos in this day and age, but I bet he thinks he’s not going to get it and does whatever the hell he wants because he’s SPECIAL 🤬🤬🤬

    FYI- these types are easier to spot right now with the current recommendations— case in chief is my 80 year old chain smoking lifelong cheater narcissist mom — she’s vaxx’d but galavanting around like it’s 1999 and got some symptoms this week- she dismissed it as a cold (didn’t test) and had no compunction visiting friends, having her older Housecleaner come, running errands — all while symptomatic and without getting tested. She isn’t suffering from dementia—just supreme entitlement and selfishness. There’s no doubt in my mind where my vulnerability to narcissist spouses/friends/bosses came from.

    • I wouldn’t necessarily blame any inherent weakness/FOO issues on anyone’s part for vulnerability to narcs. We all arrive at that vulnerability in different ways. My own mother was nerdy and happy and generally innocent towards people and didn’t prepare me for reality in some ways.

    • “FYI- these types are easier to spot right now with the current recommendations”

      Motherchumper99, my XW’s reaction to the pandemics should have been a huge red flag for me.

      She was a negationist (even though she is a health professional working at a hospital – believe it or not they exist), roamed carelessly with her then AP (her direct report at the hospital) through bars, restaurants, hotels, resorts and god knows where else and visited me, my elderly parents (both with comorbidities), my autistic brother and our two sons (we were living provisionally cities apart) and her FOO while disregarding every single orientation from the health authorities, even refusing to wear a mask to go shopping or to beauty salons. And she was having sex with both unknowing me and her admittedly very promiscuous AP all along.

      Her “philosophical” approach to the problem posed by the pandemics seemed to be based on eugenics: the weak and old should die and make room for the innately immune (I bet she thought she was one of these hypothetical uber humans). The economy shouldn’t grind to a halt for unwarranted fear of a “little flu”. It may look like I’m exaggerating but she did express these exact views (which were not uncommon here in Brazil in the beggining of the crisis).

      I was very disappointed and disgusted by her views (this was before I knew she was having an affair). In her opinion I was overreacting for just taking the most basic precautions. She rolled her eyes at my insistence in keeping my parents and kids away from grocery stores and crowded places of any kind and point that out as unmanly.

      Once I suspected I was infected and she stonewalled me rightaway. I coudn’t get hold of her. I think I never felt so alone in my life. Thank goodness my test turned out negative. She and her affair partner though both got sick in the same week after a trip together to a resort two states away. Nobody under my unmanly care has gotten covid. Me and my elders are now fully vaccinated and I am in countdown for my kids’ first doses.

      Not surprisingly, last week she expressed doubts as whether we should vaccinate our sons (there is a manufactured controversy nowadays in Brazil regarding the vaccination of children, mostly fuelled by fake news). I will, for sure, and fuck what she thinks she think.

      The behaviour of many people during the pandemics has been a litmus test for who to keep in my life and which losers to loose.

      I hope you’re healthy and safe (and your problematic mom as well). Cheers!

  • I often thought that if my ex could sell me for body parts he would have

    This just confirms that line of thinking

    We are literally a useful appliance and source of spare parts. Till they are ready to move on.

    • Yes, we are like a high end brand new BMW they were so excited to get for free so they could strip it and sell the parts. If it was an old Ford it wouldn’t be nearly as thrilling.

  • My bf just informed me he would not be paying his share of a house trailer we were to buy together ( He was waiting for the yearly seasonal overtime). Chumpy me agreed to it and paid for the whole thing( this was in September). So I just asked him to pay groceries for the days we are together ( he comes here every weekend) and the camping fees for a trip I just booked. I think I’ve been ghosted. A man who until 2 days ago FaceTimed me 4x a day went silent. Nothing yesterday and nothing today. You would think I had learned my lesson but no I have trust where it had not been earned. ( everything was great until we bought the trailer in September, I guess it was actually love bombing that lasted several months). The empath that I am I also took care of him after kidney surgery and that turned into 2 months of him living with me full time and contributing very little. I blame my codependence and a good dose of Hopium and poor boundaries. Sometimes a chump learns the very hard way.

    • But learn we do!
      You have a house trailer!
      Ahead of the game.
      Dump his freeloading ass.
      Get therapy and get on with your great big life.

    • I’m so sorry this happened, what a complete jerk. It is a hard lesson indeed.

      I’ve established some life long ground rules for myself, just because I am an idiot and done all of these things before:

      Never let a boyfriend (or heck, my ex) move in even temporarily. “Its just for a few days” quickly becomes forever
      Never give a boyfriend a key
      Never do a boyfriend’s laundry or cleaning
      Never make joint purchases, share credit, or co-sign with anyone, ever
      Never lend anyone money. If I can’t afford to give that amount as a gift freely, I have no business giving it anyone
      Never tell a boyfriend how much money I have or make
      Always split all costs 50/50, even if he offers to pay

      It’s my hope sticking to the above will help weed out entitled freeloaders. I’d love to make this list more comprehensive. Teens need to be taught this type of thing in school. I hate that I’m in my 40’s and just figuring it out.

      • Thank you it’s a good list. I still project my honesty and generosity on others. I know it’s hopium but it’s hard to stop after a lifetime of doing it.

        • Same. My therapist’s mantra is “but remember, most people are NOT LIKE YOU.”

          I have to remind myself each day that just because I always play by the rules doesn’t mean I can trust other people not to cheat.

          It feels sad, because I think deep down I really don’t understand WHY everyone isn’t just nice to one another (but I’m on the spectrum so a lot of things about humans don’t make sense to me)

          • NotAnymore, ex used to tell me “most people don’t think like you,” that I was too nice, I didn’t know what he meant, I do now.
            I was naive and learned the hard way.
            It was eye opening after Dday, not only was I facing betrayal by ex but all the flying monkeys, the Switzerland friends and people I thought were close friends who sided with ex.
            It’s was a painful learning experience, “I don’t think like most people.”
            I thought most everyone had empathy, compassion and had a moral compass.
            Sadly they don’t.

      • I second that: don’t cohabitate and make no financial commitments together unless married and then only with a prenup, particularly in a no-fault divorce state. Even then keep your own bag “just in case.”

      • The first red flag should be if the new boyfriend/girlfriend needs a place to live or needs to borrow money to cover bills. Anyone can get into a jam but a decent person will not impose their problems on to someone they are dating.

        • Yes, while was signing my agreement, my attorney recommended the same. He said that he gave the same advice to his three daughters and wrote the prenups for two of them (LOL). I can only imagine what those husbands thought of having their superstar divorce attorney FIL do that, but he said that he told them to get their own attorney to review it and that he’d be fair and legal with it.

          Honestly, I have zero motivation to date at my age and am perfectly fine as-is, but I appreciated the advice.

      • Not –
        Great list. I wish I had that list after my divorce when I met FW. I let him move in with me. Most of our finances weren’t entangled at least. And he did do A LOT of home improvements here.

        Most won’t follow this advice, until they wish they had.

      • Thanks. I’ve pretty much lived by these rules except for the 50/50. In past relationships, there was a sometimes a salary differential between me and the bf. But I would pay for something such as movie tickets or an admission cost, and he would buy dinner.

        But I’m going to start living by the last rule too.

    • I hate to read this.

      I so hope you can get his name off the trailer, if it is on there. Please take actions to secure your own property.

  • Yes, I know someone my age (gray divorce) who did that for her ex. She married him not long after being suddenly widowed and gave him a kidney. He was a horrible person that she admits that she overcompensated for, and he quickly went back to his old ways, leading to divorce. So he goes on with her kidney, doing what horrible people do. She went back to being lonely and alone.

    I overcompensated in other ways and twisted myself up in all kinds of knots during my long-term marriage. I “loved” him so much that I would have done anything for him, except nothing would have saved my marriage. Nothing. I finally realized that no matter what I did, I couldn’t be with my ex.

    During separation, I joined a twelve-step group to work on my codependence and boundaries. Oh my, even at my age, I’m so very much more whole and emotionally healthy now. It was about time.

  • I’m pretty sure that there is probably not a chump out in the world that would not have done the exact same thing.
    People donate organs to complete strangers,of course a loved one is no stretch at all.
    I know I’m going against the grain with this one.
    I, first off, certainly deeply hate what my FW did to destroy me and my family. What a complete idiot!
    I believe the healing will be going on all my life, if it ever truly manifests itself. I work on trying to accept it and move on every day, as you all do.
    I’m not a believer in forgiveness of crimes of this magnitude, he can look to God for that, but it’s not coming from me. Acceptance is all I am looking for, forgiveness is highly overrated.
    I feel I am fully justified in that stance,he is an abuser and I don’t want him near my life. That’s just how I choose to handle it. I won’t allow toxicity in my life, now that I am finally able to recognize it.
    But with that being said, if there was some bizarre scenario where we knew that I was the only matching donor and he needed a kidney, I believe in my heart that I would more than likely give it to him till this very day!
    I think anger is healthy and what we are doing on this blog is healing with our lashing out. Some mornings I wake up and if his face was right there, I would def want to punch his lights out. He’s an a-hole, that’s a fact of life and I am mad beyond belief at him for what he’s done to us.
    Do I wish him dead? No, I can’t do that.
    I want to live in my own space of being who I have always been and not being tainted by his evil betrayals and deceits.
    He is the father of my three children, their relationships with him now are very strained and awkward,which is so sad he created that by his actions, but they do love him on some level and don’t wish harm to him and honestly, neither do I.
    So do I tell my kids no, your dad does NOT deserve to live and I won’t save his life? Who am I to make that call on who deserves to live or die?!
    What message does that give my kids, that hate rules the world?
    Love will always trump hate.
    I see it both ways too, I think of this twitter gal who donated her kidney to the jerk of a guy and how that loss will haunt her for life and could possible affect her own life span. But what I see most is that she’s a good person who did the right thing and that to me can’t be understated.
    I don’t hate anyone at all. Am I friends with the whole planet and think everyone is doing the best good? Hell no!
    There are really bad things going down in life, but I don’t need to join them.
    I can stand on the side of doing the most good and I will never be convinced that that ultimately isn’t what it is all about.
    I came across this quote that explains a little bit of how I see it:
    “Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that,I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”( Tupac)

    • You are probably a better person than I am. My son got into it with his shrink when they were talking about the prison system. The shrink thought it should entirely be about rehabilitation, that everyone is savagable (we disagree with the shrink– many people are, but not everyone). My son said what about justice? I’m old. I have observed some very nasty people in my life get what was coming, though it took decades to arrive. Did it feel a little bit good? Hell yeah.

    • I have three kids too. The strained relationship Ex has with them is 100% his fault so that doesn’t even figure into the equation. It’s not my place to be their father’s savior when he couldn’t bother being a decent human being to me, married or divorced. The only scenario where he’d get anything from me is if he was on the UNOS list as a recipient AND I was on that list as a donor and we matched. I certainly wouldn’t refuse. But no way would I willingly risk my precious life with a serious surgery for that asshole. It’s not anger, bitterness or hatred or about how much I love my children. That man took enough from me. He won’t get any more.

    • I don’t have to hate someone or join the “bad things” in the world to decline giving them one of my kidneys. With limited resources, it is reasonable to prioritize. I would decline such help to unrepentant child molesters and con men who cheat seniors out of their life savings. I consider my cheating ex in the same group as those folks for purposes of kidney donation. I have at most ONE extra kidney. Pretty sure I can find someone who will bring more “good things” into the world than such folks.

      • “and con men who cheat seniors out of their life savings. ”

        Agreed. I would say just from the folks I know in person and what I have seen on CN, most chumps have been cheated out of their life savings, at least in part if not all of it.

  • Just checked her latest TikTok and someone posted to her saying it’s not so bad since her kidney will GROW BACK.

    WTF is going on?! I cannot take people anymore.

    • I know the liver can at least partially regenerate, as long as it wasn’t lost to disease/infection, so maybe they’re getting mixed up, but overall I agree, there are so many people who don’t understand even basic biology out there it’s unreal. There’s also the distinct possibility they were trolling, which is even worse.

  • I have several observations about this issue. The main one is organ donation is no joke. There is a severe lack of organs to donate, and at the current time, even blood donations are down. I had regularly donated blood for years, since I started in college, until I went through menopause and had to change some things due to having type 2 diabetes and low iron levels. I concentrate on diet and vitamins, and supplements like my life depends on it, because it does. However, I feel bad that I can no longer donate blood, because it is so vital. I am an organ donor after death, and I intend to be cremated. These are all very personal choices, and I don’t blame anyone for making different choices. I don’t know what I would do if one of my son’s needed a kidney. I am not an ideal live donor, due to the diabetes, but I have lived a pretty good life so far, and I feel my sons are really at the beginning of their adult lives.

    The organizations that control organ donations have hard choices to make, and not enough organs to distribute. There is a black market for organs. I don’t think I will ever be in a position with a partner to ask me for a donation, because I don’t foresee having a partner like this at my time of life. It would be a difficult decision.

    I was a big fan of the HOUSE series, years ago. One episode had a lesbian couple, where one of them needed a kidney, and the other one had the same blood type. The twist was the one who needed was planning to leave the other before she discovered she was sick, and ethically the doctors were not supposed to share non-medical information. The double twist was it turned out the donor knew about the plan to leave her and donated the kidney to guilt bind the other woman to her, to give her time to “change her mind about leaving.” I think we all know how that will work out, but my question to chump nation is how they judge the donor’s manipulation?

    I feel I was raised to be a good wife and mother appliance, and to do an excellent job providing goods and services for my spouse and children. I did not figure out my feelings and self-esteem were left out of the equation until I was an adult. I was supposed to be indispensable so that my family would love me, and my spouse would never have a reason to leave. But the spouse(s) left, anyway. So, the whole FOO and cultural role stories are based on faulty thinking. Boundaries and knowing your worth and limits are the answer, I think, but how do you learn these things until after the loss?

    An anonymous donor donates for their own personal choices. A known donor may donate for a more personal choice. Is there an obligation for the person who needs the donation to stay with the donor, or support the donor, for the rest of their life? If the relationship does not work out, are you obliged to stay? What if you received an organ, and then found out the donor was cheating? Do you stay then?

    It’s complicated. If there is a relationship fail, for whatever reason, does a vital life changing (given as a gift at the time) gift bind two people to each other forever more? I am clearly conflicted. Thoughts?

    • The way he handled it says it all. Who with health issues (in this case a new kidney, on organ rejection drugs that compromise immunity) goes to Vegas to party? Alcohol and sex with strangers is not terribly safe under normal curcumstances, let alone his. No gratitude for her gift because he’s not protecting the kidney with his lifestyle choices. No gratitude for her health sacrifice, turning it around to insult her. They don’t have to stay together for life, but he has behaved with incredible dishonor. My ex said “people break up.” I replied “Not like you did.” I don’t need to list all the cowardly, dishonest, and degrading things he did in the breakup process–we’ve all been there. Her gift was treated as pearls cast before swine. At least she got out of the pigpen.

      • Plus we’re STILL in a pandemic ! Traveling on planes and hitting up maybe crowded casinos ? Wtf ?

      • I wasn’t talking about this particular relationship, only. From the facts presented, he did act abominably. But did he purposely trick her into donating knowing he was leaving? In this case, probably yes. But for all organ donors out there, and all possible recipients. what is the moral obligation??

        Not all relationships end due to cheating. I would not have wanted to donate a kidney to my father, for instance, because our parent/child relationship was awful. I would not have wanted to donate to my spouse due to our age difference, our health histories, and I wanted to have children. There were many factors involved. Before I knew about the cheating, before I knew I would leave, I would not have wanted to donate to him. I would guess different donors have different motivations, but are not likely to be just to make them look good.

  • “Inside Edition” left out the part about his cheating . So the little shit pulled a George Lopez.

  • He’s got a female kidney now – kidney infections! A lifetime ban for him to purchase cranberry juice or be prescribed antibiotics.

    Colleen needs to realize this guy belongs to the Church of the Poisoned Mind. (Thanks, Boy George.)

  • This literally happened to me in 2007 except I was married and stayed married until 2017. I found out he was cheating WHILE donating. There is a step in the donation process where you have to collect urine sample for something like 72 hours. So I was pretty much tethered in the room with my ‘sample bucket’. Since I have nothing else to do I’m getting work done on my laptop. He’s in another hospital room not too far away and had used the computer a few hours back. When I go to gmail his email comes up (did not log out) and it is ALL responses to a variety of dating sites. I got crying “I’m just super insecure and feeling bad about myself”. Still donated – stayed married – and next DDAYS? Hospital again – has cancer – I’m taking care of him. It took so many lapton DDAYS my friends. so so many. Until I’m facebook messaging an OW that is trying to blackmail me.

    • WOW! I would not have donated once I knew about the cheating even if they were just getting ready to wheel me into the ER. (I am not judging you for going ahead with it). I Would have been furious and not able to hold that in. I would have him wait and find another match. Let him explain what went wrong at the last minute. I have overlooked some crap but I am not a good enough person to donate a kidney to someone who betrayed me–not that I would not do it as punishment but I would start valuing myself more. I do not have kids so I would not be doing it for my kids’ father. Once I knew about the betrayal(s) my boundaries would start being enforced.

    • Time to start making TikToks Dr D!

      No shame for however long it took to leave him. You made it here and that’s what counts! We are not ourselves until we get free and out of the chaos. Even then it takes time for everything to sink in and for the grieving and processing to begin

  • I went to the TikTok page and watched a couple of other videos regarding this. Not something I normally do, but the kidney thing got me curious. Her ex is sending the flying monkeys after her with “It’s not my cheating, it’s your reaction that’s the problem.” So typical. It would be nice if a kidney could have some agency of its own and do things like make him pee his pants at an inopportune moment.

  • I’m a transplant physician .
    Don’t want to give any specifics, but I have seen it all.
    Spouses who dump their partners as they get called in for transplant .
    Recipients who once they have recovered, dump their partners who have helped them through their illness .
    Recipients who find their new partners in the support group meetings whilst being in a relationship.

    We always say “ you can’t transplant their personality “

  • So true! About a year before D-day, I had taken a trip to Vegas for Super Bowl weekend. I went as a +1 for my BFF, who was invited by a group of country club friends. She was nursing a recent break-up, and my marriage was in the toilet.

    I knew X was close to one of his clients. We had socialized with her and her (then) husband on a couple of occasions. She was overbearing, uncomfortably flirtatious, and judgmental all at the same time, like a modern debutante edition of Mae West. Plus her husband seemed depressed. So I didn’t enjoy spending time with them. But she was an important customer, and he liked her well enough, so I thought nothing of their relationship. I projected my values onto him and, thus, found no reason to be jealous or worried.

    I was more concerned about his ED problem at the time. We hadn’t had sex for almost 2 years at that point, and I was frustrated because his tests (which I had scheduled for him) had come back normal, so he wouldn’t take the Viagra sample his doctor gave him. 🤔

    Vegas was a quick escape. I soaked up the male attention and even received a couple come-ons (one of them from a married man, which I didn’t realize until I had an interesting exchange the following day with a woman who turned out to be his wife.🙄) Anyway, I turned the men down and spent my time between the spa and the blackjack table instead.

    Fast forward to several months later, and I’m lying in bed drifting off to sleep when X suddenly asks if I cheated on him while I was in Vegas. Irritated by the suggestion, I replied, “Don’t you even know me? I would never do that to you.”

    I was truly stunned that he felt compelled to ask me such a thing. We’d been together for 18 years at that point, and I thought he should have known me better. Of course, now I see that we were both projecting – I trusted him, and he suspected me.

    I think he was looking to leverage some future power from my expected confession. He needed a way to ease his guilt, especially if there was any chance of us staying together. That guilt could alter the power dynamics of the marriage, and he would never be able to handle a shift in my favor. Of course, this was a projection too because I’m way too soft to use someone’s failings to my advantage.

    Luckily, unknowingly, I didn’t give him the out he wanted. Now he’s with her, which is precisely what he deserves. Regardless of the whole gory mess, I know I have a kind heart, an empathetic soul, and a trustworthy character. They may have money, but I have the stuff that money can’t buy.

  • I know a couple where she gave him an organ. He was a fancy humanitarian; always saving the world thousands of miles from the home it was her job to keep as his welcoming landing pad. Their dynamic was what many would consider normal. Him treating her like she was ok, but no international hero. Her always trying to prove her sexy wifey relevance to a bunch of adventure-seeking saviour boys. I was always amazed to watch him smoke after he got the transplant. It seemed so disrespectful to all she’d given him.

    I remember her saying, after the operation: well, the recipient feels better almost immediately after; they’ve just gotten better! The donor feels like shit for weeks; they’ve just lost a healthy organ.

    You’d think it would bond people for life. But I know she cheated and who knows about him. They’re split up now.

    Guess it goes to show you can’t “control” anyone or guarantee anything by how much you do for someone.

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