My husband had an affair 4 years ago, which I recently found out about.
They are no longer having a sexual relationship, but do keep in contact primarily because she is worried I will tell her husband (and reveal the proof — disgusting photos that would blow her world up).
The husband of the Other Woman does not know of this affair or this inappropriate relationship. I believe he has a right to know, although I’m not sure I am the one who should tell him. Obviously these two (my husband and the OW) are too cowardly to come clean to us on their own.
I have seen two therapists — a marriage counselor and a therapist for myself alone. They both are adamant that I should not tell. But as devastating as this knowledge has been, I feel that I am so much better off knowing the truth. I will always choose to know the truth — can’t speak for someone else.
Should I tell him?
I am married to a thief. He had a partner in crime and together they stole $50K from your therapist’s retirement fund. And you know about it.
They aren’t stealing any more. (Okay, they have all the account numbers, but you can trust them, there is no more pilfering of funds.)
Should you tell your therapist?
Go ahead and posit this hypothetical at your next therapy appointment.
Oh, they’d like to know?
But if no one tells them, are they really going to miss it? Why upset their world?
Oh, because it’s $50 fucking thousand dollars?
And they have a right to know it’s missing? And the loss of $50K could really negatively impact their future? But really, the money doesn’t matter, it’s the principle of the thing. How can you sit in on that therapist sofa knowing that someone stole $50K from them?!
Well… it’s awkward.
But how can they ever trust you again! The thieves could strike again! They have the account numbers! Your therapist is VULNERABLE, B! How could you keep this secret!
That’s where you say: Hey, but they promised they would stop stealing from your retirement fund. I think you can trust the people who are spending $50K of ill-gotten gains they swindled off you.
Oh, your therapist would like that money back?
Sorry. It’s gone. But your therapist may have an IOU scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin for collateral.
I can play this game all day.
Raise your hands CN if you’d rather have lost $50K than be chumped? Now clap loudly if you got chumped AND lost more than $50K? Double shit sandwiches all around!
A monetary loss is nothing compared to the theft of your reality. This man has been conspired against, robbed of consent, and made a host of decisions based on a lie — that he’s in a committed relationship with someone he can trust. His health has been risked. His finances have been spent. And he’s been betrayed.
And two mental health professionals you consulted are FINE with that. Because they don’t see it as abuse.
Would they think you should speak up if someone was being sexually abused? Physically abused? Secretly robbed?
Oh, but it was all in the past.
They’re still in contact. It’s very much of the present. And we only have the word of liars to rely upon.
Oh, but it’s not your job.
I’d ask your therapist — so which is it — a trifle that won’t matter, or something so devastating it will? If it’s the latter, why am I keeping a secret to protect abusers? If it’s the former, why should it matter if I tell?
Now, back to you, B.
They are no longer having a sexual relationship, but do keep in contact
Put down the hopium pipe. There is absolutely no reason for your husband to be in contact with his affair partner. You’re in some ring of reconciliation hell.
We are highly skeptical of reconciliation here, B. But if you’re going to do it, your unicorn needs to be transparent. Not involved in some conspiracy with another man’s wife.
I fail to see what you have to work with.
Tell the other chump.
You’re not doing it for revenge on the OW. (Truth as a consequence? Gee, I guess you shouldn’t have been shady, OW.) You’re doing it because it’s the kind thing to do.
Practice the Golden Rule. You’ve got good instincts. Which is more than I can say for your quack therapists.