A New Chump Credo

dogOn yesterday’s post, Tempest proposed “a new Chump Credo.” Instead of dealing with or dwelling on your lousy, cheating partner/ex — what better things could you be doing with your time?

Here are a few what-ifs we can live with; a new Chump Credo:

-What-if I were to live an honest life and not permit people who wedge a machete into my back to stay in my life?

-What-if I were to devote my time and energy to people or animals who can actually be reformed and who appreciate me (cue ad for Big Brothers/Big Sister program).

-What-if I were to value myself enough to realize that I am worth being cherished, not criticized?

-What-if I could skip through my house, singing my favorite song, instead of walking on eggshells?

-Feel free to add to this, CN.

Great idea!

Let’s all play! 🙂

 

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kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

What if I never got involved with that thing I might be happy! And 400,000 richer!

What if I stuck to my guns and never married again like I vowed not to hell I could have rescued more dogs!

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Funny, I tell myself the same thing: I can find another partner, it should not be too hard apparently, but if I stayed on my own, I could draw comics and rescue a lot more dogs !

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Indeed! What if I could actually get through the day with some big bellied, bald, toothless, dickless mess pointing out how imperfect and flawed I am. Whoo hoo!!!!

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Wrong direction… <3 The past cannot be changed.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

History is written two ways. The way it was perceived and the way it actually was. There is little objectivity in history.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Exactly so.

That’s what makes the past so agitating and makes the Betrayed question the present and everything in the future as well.

Chris
Chris
8 years ago

So true.. I find myself questioning the past all the time, but now I don’t trust my own mind!

Funny how you’re own mind can manipulate you by remembering certain qualities about your spouse that really are fabrications of the actual reality that occurred.

You married, trusting, loving, a best friend, and I got your back; believing that your spouse had all those wonderfully qualities. Only to find out that she really didn’t have your back, and she cant be trusted. She’s been hooking up with a co-worker and doesn’t see anything wrong with it….not even apologetic.

Focus on today, now and tomorrow. My spouse in lost in a fog, and doesn’t want to be found. I just assume she stay there!

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Chris it sounds your ex was devoid of any moral fabric, she thought it was ok to have an affair with someone from work??? Obviously hot to trot and in need of more attention any single person could ever bestow

Walkingthruhell
Walkingthruhell
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris

My spouse is in the same fog for the same reasons and also not apologetic.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago

I loved this “What if….” from Tempest in the prior post and I said, “What if I focused on myself?”

Dapig55
Dapig55
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Thank you for summariding my experience … Yesterday is a reminder of not to go there it’s done you can only learn from it so move on appreciate today and if tomorrow comes then enjoy ..

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Dapig55

At some point ya gotta go there. Time and distance make the ‘ going there ‘ a different experience. I think its when you can ‘ go there ‘ and look at things objectively, without that huge emotional tug is when you can truely let go. That time is different for everybody.
Its not about forgiveness.
I can only look back now and see the cracks that had started to form well before the offically break up. I dont dwell. I dont lament. I did that already. I lived it. And part of MY experience is true for me. What , where and how he manipulated our relationship affected me. His version of the story or history is not mine. And part of taking back my life was taking back my experience of it. He has no influence now.
Was I gaslighted… You bet. Was I manipulated… U bet. Was the very foundation of my family built on lies… Possibly. One of the biggest struggles was ‘ the story’ his version or mine. What was the real story? Hard to say. History is written two ways.
What i find solace in now is , my story is my story , and how it began and continues to unfold is mine. I took my power back.
Like that lilttle dog… I will kick grass on the shit that I want to leave behind.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

What if I took all my insight, knowledge, experience, tenacity I’ve acquired divorcing this narcissist asswipe and helped other women at the beginning stages. A don’t do what I did…and did…and lather rinse repeat did before I found the CL and CN.
I am very creative. I love to do furniture items over. I can sew….I can upholster furniture. I can design a room on a dime…. I am a thrifty chic with an eye for great style and good bones. Which is the “I see potential” syndrome I have had thru my marriage.

Please Chump Nation send my way prayers, good vibes, good MoJo….. I head into trial tomorrow after 3 long horrendous years battling my stbx. It’s down to quilts and quilt racks….pyrex dishes….and…. my green curio cabinet I bought at the salvation army.
He refused to settle. I left him and his new whore and her sons a fully decorated house.
That wasn’t enough.
I need to be able to hold it together. Because at this point all I want to do is…….
Well…it’s illegal, frowned upon…and a felony.

Love you CN and CL….you have saved me from staying inside my head.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy, how did it go?

bogieb
bogieb
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

All th good luck and mojo in the world to you Tracy!

Virago
Virago
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy and nothin’left2lose, carry the entirety of CN in your pocket/briefcase/’briefs’ ~~ whatever seems most tantalizing!

We are totally with you. And you have the added advantage of having honesty and integrity. THAT is good!

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy, if you can find a place to stand in the “power pose” before entering the courtroom it will help you feel more confident. I’ve tried it and it really works! Recently I had to give a presentation and used this stance beforehand, I didn’t even feel nervous when I entered the room. http://www.businessinsider.com/power-pose-2013-5

Mightysparrow
Mightysparrow
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

My quilts are rooting for your quilts mate!

And I for you!!!
…………………

There’s an adversarial real estate technique where you make an offer that includes some personal item of the seller, family photos hanging on the wall for instance, forcing the seller to lower their price to keep their personal items. Is there anything he values you could go after?

Am trying to turn my dear items into ‘gray rocks’ too – “What? This old thing?”

They are hostages. Consider it hostage negotiation.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Strong, positive ju-ju heading your way.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Blessings to you Tracy, and also NothingLeft2Lose!!
You can use all those mighty talents to re-design your life!
Maybe the Judge will see that you’ve been TOO nice, and generous, already? Hope you get all your dear items back, and then let the X become the speck in the mirror….

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Your ex and his skank need you to be part of their dysfunctional drama (fighting over the quilts, etc). If they were truly in love and happy they would let these things go and move on. Once you are out of the picture the glue that holds this relationship together will start to disintegrate.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Tracy, with you all the way. Be a force to recon with. Quilts? What a fucking douch he is. Fuck. Him.

Dapig55
Dapig55
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

KB22 you are so right I agree .. You have your daughters support that’s worth more than anything in this world.. And yes happiness and bliss for these nasty people is blaming their ex partners for their own insecurities and as you said if they loved each other so much they wouldn’t be fighting but letting go and moving on so once we are out of the picture the glue that holds these trashy relationships together will disintegrate …

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Sending you hugs and prayers. You’ve got this Tracy, and you will be rid of a heinous excuse for a human, his whore du jour, and have the freedom you deserve! As requested above, would you please let us know what happens?

divorceat25
divorceat25
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

I’m sending you hugs and prayers. Stay strong! You are getting one step closer to getting rid of him!

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Fingers crossed Tracy! Good luck and let us know what happens!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Sending you good thoughts Tracy, show them all what dignity looks like, your trial is a great step towards preserving your sanity and regaining your freedom!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy & Nothingleft2lose–we’re behind you in spirit all the way through the court battle. Kick some ass (and GET THOSE QUILTS!!)

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Nothingleft2lose-so there for you! In court, I just imagine that CL and CN are there cheering me on in the courtroom. It helps and it’s true, we really are here for you!

with brave wings
with brave wings
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy, not that he cares, but YOU will have daughter standing by YOUR side!!! That’s the biggest win in the world…knowing that she sees him the same way. Still, I hope you get the quilts and pots and one. And, if you don’t, you walk hand in hand with YOUR daughter out of that courtroom with your head held high. So long to that piece of shit! You got this!!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

The FORCE will be with you Tracy! And as many Jedi Hugs as you need – we got your back.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Remember who you are Tracy, a good honorable valuable person, NOT a lying cheating freak. Hold onto yourself and be true to yourself and you will be fine. (((Big hugs))) and good thoughts

nothin'left2lose
nothin'left2lose
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Yesterday was first time seeing the fucktard & lawyers. This set me back after months of no contact. I’m soooo glad I’m out of the fog as the asshat is worse than ever. Please CN, I also need your prayers to get me through the next few months. What if? What if I had trusted my gut in the beginning when the sociopath came sniffing around? When I get through this mess, I vow to help others as no one believes me when I tell them about that psychotic piece of shit.

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago

Big hugs a-comin’, along with prayers as you navigate through this. You’re absolutely spot on when you say that no one believes what you’re going through, unless they have been through it themselves, or watched someone close to them go through it. I really cherish the friends who saw what was happening, and stood by me as things got more and more bizarre toward the end. Some of them had been victimized by a Cluster B in their past, so they got it.

Nothin'left2lose
Nothin'left2lose
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Thank you all! Because of you I am becoming mighty 🙂 I look forward to being free of the trainwreck forever.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago

Stay strong nothin’left2lose, as I am getting through my divorce, I keep reminding myself that it could be worse, I could still unknowingly be living with and loving a cheating lying coward.

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago

Lotsa love headed you way

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Big giant hugs!!!! One day we will all be free!!
And now that I can spot a chump I can help them. No one knows what this feels like til they walk in our shoes.

Walkingthruhell
Walkingthruhell
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

“One day we will all be free!!” Oh Kar Marie, those words brought tears to my eyes! I am praying for everyone in CN that one day those words will come true.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

I tear up too.

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Take that as swipe to the cleaners! Sith farts on all those damn cheaters!

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

accubonded… love the phrase “Sith Farts on all those damn cheaters” you made me smile this morning. not an easy thing these days. Thank you.

chjrn
chjrn
8 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Jedi hugs to you Tracy!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Good mojo headed your way! You’ve got this. You’re mighty, and Chump Nation’s mighty is right behind you!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

We are so very much there with you in spirit Tracy. Best of luck to you tomorrow.

The EX-orcist
The EX-orcist
8 years ago

Hello! I am new to the site. I want to thank all of you for getting me thru some dark moments. It is heartbreaking and yet comforting to know even the most dispicable acts of betrayal heal in time, especially when the pain wreaks such havoc in your life. I highly recommend using your free time to read the posts and replies on this site. The advantages?
1) Passes Time
2) Misery loves company
3) Your story, although painful, may pale in comparison to others which helps with perspective
4) This site, for me, was a game changer. It gives you clarity in chaos, it provides hope.
5) Swearing is apparently encouraged?
Thank you so much CL and CN for finally, after 18 years, helping me get my shit together. I see the finish line. Meh is in sight!!!!

Virago
Virago
8 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

Welcome Ex-orcist! BTW, great name and, as always, sorry we had to meet this way!

Swear words are a REALLY great and wonderful part of CN. Hope you can teach me some new ones!

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

A warm welcome to you from us fellow Chumps! I love your name!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

Yay! Go you The EX-orcist !

PS: I swear there was a lot of swearing in that movie the Exorcist 😉

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  The EX-orcist

Hugs and welcome!

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago

What if I be the best Dad in the world and love and cherish all my time with my little ones, teach them right from wrong and help them navigate all the f-ed up paths this world offers. That and get a little hunting in on the side

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

Sounds like a great plan, accubonded.

Charles
Charles
8 years ago

Tracy,

You have been through storms of shit before and handled it ok. Today will be no different. Tomorrow you will let us all know how it goes and then put another notch in your life belt for an amazing accomplishment.

But your post makes me think of something else. What if we all realized that to be happy we can’t just focus on ourselves — we have to focus on making the world better for others? That comes through compassion, selflessness, understanding, forgiveness . . . I know it’s important to think about your own (in my case flawed!) self from time to time, but I always feel better when I know that I have reached out in some way to another person who is hurting.

So here is my “what if?” — what if I had realized earlier in my life that other people didn’t have some sort of golden key to happiness while I wallowed in my own feelings of inadequacy? And what if I didn’t, in 1997, see the woman I eventually married as the answer to those bad feelings, an answer that blinded me to the truth of who she really was for 16 years? And what if I had spent time on traveling with my kids and cultivating new relationships and WRITING instead of playing the “pick me dance” for over a year? What if I didn’t allow 99% of my brain to be occupied with a shallow, self-serving, slightly deranged, appearance obsessed fool and instead did pretty much anything else???

Well now I have wised up a bit, and am ready to take on whatever today brings — just like you will take on your challenges today Tracy and come out whole when it’s all over. Tell us all how it went ok?

Oh, I should add that I am grateful for three beautiful children that my ex wife had with me. So it wasn’t all bad!

Charles

Cletus
Cletus
8 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Thanks for telling my story as well…Our ex wives and the way we felt when we married them are identical.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Great “what ifs”, Charles !

Scott
Scott
8 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Charles – your story sounds so similar to mine, My ex swooped in and built me up when I felt inadequate. She built me up for a long time, and then she wandered and was and is my worst enemy. It took my pain and humiliation to realize that I settled for my XW. Life will get better without her.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Annnnnnnd…. Ditto!

In retrospect, I blindly settled in marrying my stbxw, too.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Ditto here too.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Scott – thanks for that. If I knew then what I know now, I would have realized I was settling too.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Ditto

Chummydoo
Chummydoo
8 years ago
Reply to  Charles

LOVE this…

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Chummydoo

Really love what you said Charles!

Ami
Ami
8 years ago

What if I walked into my home, my sanctuary, and there was no being in it whose opinion of me as a human being was negative?

Ami
Ami
8 years ago

What if I never had to feel devalued in comparison to someone else because there was no someone else to worry about?

Carmen
Carmen
8 years ago

Just wanted to say thank you so much CL and friends here at CN. I made it to the other side. I got my Tuesday. Two years of extreme pain and sorrow are
over. It really does happen. Divorce is still pending but that’s ok. It’s almost over and I survived! Now I will start life anew with a wonderful man. He’s a Texan y’all!!! Emotional intelligence and kindness he has, and he is sober!! CL, you were right. I fell in love again and it feels so great to be loved the right way. So, all chumps that are hurting still now, it passes and life begins again. CL, you are an angel and I thank you so much!!!

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmen

Whoo hoo Carmen! Congratulations and hugs!

Carmen
Carmen
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Thank you Boudica!! Back at you hugs!!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmen

Yay! So happy for you Carmen.

Carmen
Carmen
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Thank you Kelly, I wish all the happiness to all chumps!!!

Ami
Ami
8 years ago

What if I knew my kids were safe from ridiculous BS in our home because I could personally ensure that there was no ridiculous BS going on in our home.without anyone else undermining my decisions?

Chummydoo
Chummydoo
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

TRUE dat!

Ami
Ami
8 years ago

What if being cheater-free might mean I felt lonely but also meant I didn’t feel like crap ALL THE TIME anymore?

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

What if you felt the loneliness as more of a purge–a re-set–that helped you find yourself again, helped prepare you for the next lovely phase of your life?

SayNoToSparkles
SayNoToSparkles
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

THIS!!! It takes time to purge and re-set and I’m ok with that 🙂

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Love, love, love this!

Scott
Scott
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

One of my hardest things to come to terms with is that my cheater XW is never alone. She either has out kids or is with her AP (and most of the time she is still with the AP when she has the kids). When I walk around my empty house I just thank God that no one is telling me I am a piece of shit. The silence is such a comfort.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Scott

I dreaded being with him on the weekends. My heart rate is normal. Quiet is nice. I’ve become accustomed to quiet. The chaos was all I knew. Peace is better.

Chris W.
Chris W.
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

The disordered literally CANNOT be alone. Truly. It’s one of the manifestations of their disease/disorder, etc. It was so exhausting to me, always needing to accompany Cheater everywhere, like he was a newborn. It reminded me of people in high school who would say, “walk with me to my next class”, and I’d respond, “You’re walking 15 feet down the hall to MATH, you can’t do that by yourself??”

It’s so lovely now when I come home to my awesome house, and if my kids aren’t around, I can sit and read a book in peace, and nobody is glaring and hinting at me with his statements of, “You know, since it looks like you have some free time, I have some shirts you could iron. Or you could clean the lawnmower, or wash the floors, or some other chore in service of me!!!”

Chumpified
Chumpified
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

So true. They cannot stand being alone. Since I moved out I am loving my alone time!

Blue
Blue
8 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

THIS! My X wanted me with her constantly! I couldn’t even play the piano if she was home because she would ask me to stop and spend time with her! I was also required to stay in the kitchen and talk to her EVERY TIME she cooked a meal!

I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to be allowed to have any other interests!

I should have noticed there was something wrong when she stopped wanting me with her at every moment. Now her AP is STUCK with her! Wonder how he likes that? Or is he regretting his vanished freedom?

LOL! Like you, I’m enjoying my free time – I read, practice music, exercise, hang out with my pals.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Scott, and what if you put on some music and just danced 🙂 and sang around that house?

Scott
Scott
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I do that all the time, but I enjoy the silence of not hearing her disapproving voice. It’s worse than nails on a chalkboard.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

What if I loved myself as much as I loved him? I made the wrong investment.

Margo
Margo
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

The Clip – that sums it up for me perfectly! I have been working for the past four years to take better care of myself. I’m learning that putting myself first sometimes is the best thing for me and my kids. Almost at meh, hoping the next court appearance is the last.

LemonSqueezy
LemonSqueezy
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip, YES!!!! Yes! If I only had loved myself as much as him.

I’m determined to work on this. It seems daunting with this terribly broken heart and my self worth being abandoned in a gutter somewhere long ago. But I’m working on it. Finding my ‘Meh’ and loving on myself. It’s necessary.

Chummydoo
Chummydoo
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Man I LOVE reading these…. everyone is so fucking true.

Solange
Solange
8 years ago

What if I stopped putting my hopes and dreams into another person, and looked with in and found happiness?
Soon to be free of a sick man, and looking forward.

Chump Change
Chump Change
8 years ago

What if I choose not to give Gaslighter one more minute of my headspace? What if I fogive myself for not realizing he was disordered, and allowing his covert abuse? What if instead, I choose to look forward to design a new authentic life filled with new people, places and things and accomplishments? Don’t look back, look forward to a new and brighter chapter. Hell, close that damn book altogether and write a new one for mysel with a way better ending! I feel so much stronger when focusing on building my business and creating a life that is based on my core values and goals. I am slowly finding amazing new friends and building my new better reality. Move forward, don’t stay stuck. I wasted 37 years of my life with a narc/sociopath, the last few years in limbo before I got the big picture. Stayed decades because I was afraid to make a change when deep inside I felt things weren’t right… Long before I learned he was a serial cheater. I’m seeing better days ahead the farther I am away from the Gaslighter. Run, don’t walk away! Be strong Chumps!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Chump Change, Strength is the word that came to mind when I read your post.

Chump Change
Chump Change
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Thanks Chump B!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

And…. What if devine intervention or Karma allowed a bus to fall out of the sky and flattened him like a bug?
I will ponder on that deep thought all day…

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I love the ‘what-if’ Karma bus. I’ll be pondering that happy thought all day. Thanks TheClip!

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

What if instead of wasting mental real estate pondering apresent day karma intervention I focus instead on the ultimate karrna on judgement day when that karma bus whizzes on by all the cheaters and abusers of the world and leaves them in a wake of sewage and slime!

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

That’s called the Dave Matthews tour bus …

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Extremely divine ?

Blown Away
Blown Away
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Blahahahahaaaaa! I am hoping two buses will drop!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
8 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

There are a lot of buses suddenly falling out of the sky!!!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Funny how they have sexual fantacies and we can’t stop thinking about busses falling from the sky. Mine is having him falling from a high place and being emplaled by a very sharp fence post uppon landing.

Chummydoo
Chummydoo
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

MY dream…. a bus to fall out of the sky and flatten him and HER!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

That would be divine!

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I don’t believe in Karma….. if it existed my 40 something wife out screwing her 20 something boy toy no birth control no protection would be coparenting a child today! Instead she pretty much has had nothing bad occur related to her four years of cheating!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

The universe has order and the universe has a way of evening the playing field and fixing the bad karma to my ears.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Just wait. I don’t believe in “karma” as a divine force of the world, either, but disordered people eventually trip themselves up. It’s a matter of probability. They also are never content–nothing is ever good enough, they don’t have the depth of spirit to appreciate small things, and so they’re left as half-full vessels in perpetuity. Sucks to be them.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

agreed! Getting knocked up at 44 would have been classic though! I would be off living the after kid life while she was back to raising another for 18 years. That would have been funny!

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Oh and having to ask baby daddy for diaper money!!!

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Spot on Tempest!

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Great answer Tempest and so true!!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Tempest, well said!

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

What if now that I am cheater free I can go on next year and begin my degree?

It is amazing how much more brain capacity I have now that the gaslighting fucker is gone.
In 6 weeks I will have completed the diploma that I deferred 11 years ago because I felt it was selfish of me to ask my husband to adjust his work life balance so I could return to study.

It is so exhausting living with a cheater.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, getting you degree is wonderful!!

Jess's Mom
Jess's Mom
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

You hit the nail on the proverbial head, Thankful, when you said “It is amazing how much more brain capacity I have now.” Yes! So much yes! 🙂

Keeping in mind that I’m not physically extricated from my situation, but have finally cut the mental cord … I have so much more “time” now! Detaching, not obsessing about “fixing me” or “fixing my marriage” or “fixing whatever new thing is wrong with asshat today” has allowed me to:
– Focus on my kids more (I didn’t realize how draining it all was; the exhaustion interfered with the level of attention I could bring to my kids)
– Work on my developing my career (a wonderful thing, which will help with the physical extrication)
– Try to find ME again (how did I so thoroughly lose me along the way?!)
– Discover what makes me happy (besides my awesome kids)
– Set goals for me and my kids — and work my butt off to attain them (his negativity doesn’t destroy me anymore)
– I have even found time to READ (one of my all-time favorite hobbies!)
– And that manuscript I put off for a decade … not anymore!
– The most recent addition has been that I’ve finally decided to get individual counseling (mostly due to CL and all of you awesome chumps reiterating that getting mentally healthy after such a prolonged horror story is one of the best things I can do for my kids and for me)

The extra brain space is not only beautiful, it is amazingly energizing once you detach from the insanity.

BTW: Thankful, congratulations on returning to your studies! I’ll borrow the word I’ve seen on CL … that is mighty!

Unencumbered
Unencumbered
8 years ago

What if i started cooking meals again with texture and color and interesting flavors? Meals with mushrooms, peas, tomatoes, olives and delicious sauces? What if those meals were appreciated and enjoyed by those I choose to have at my table?

What if I could enjoy my children’s company and any others who join us for dinner without having to nudge someone under the table to get them to stop staring at their phone or out into space?

What if I could move into my own home looking out on a beautiful park where my kids can walk to school, with only my positive energy and no memories of passive aggressive neglect, lies and betrayal?

What if I can go to bed each night with a clear conscience, feeling proud of the life I have created for my kids and me, knowing if i can survive this, I can survive anything?

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

What if I was finally free of the lies?

What if I stop dumbing myself down?

What if I was not afraid?

What if I left thoughts of my ex and his AP’s in the dust?

What if I stopped letting the past hurt me?

What if I shed the ex’s lies and cheating and filth like an old coat and put it at the curb with the rest of our trash?

What if I cleanse my life of the poisonous people?

What if I filled my life with love and honesty and support?

What if I vowed to trust and always follow my gut no matter what?

What if I find a new husband who really loves me?

What if I fucking kick ass all by myself?

What if I know my worth?

What if I can at last see a beautiful forever?

pianomommy
pianomommy
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Kelly, yes, yes, and yes! All of that! I’m close to four years from D-day and just recently have felt the beginnings of hope emerge. After awhile (and it’s probably different for everyone) I think we just get sick of all the same stinking thinking about the ex. And, if you get some other positive stuff going for yourself in your life, I’m seeing that little by little, Asshat and his “whore du jour” (thanks for this, Boudica Reborn!) matter less and less. I can see Meh clearly on the horizon!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  pianomommy

I go in and out of Meh, pianomommy, I am even (happily) remarried! But I HATE when I still lose my meh and feel sorrow over the years lost to ex or the fact that he has abandoned out kids. Just this week I said to myself: “Fuck. That. Shit. NO MORE SORROW.” These lists of credos were as usual perfect timing!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

A life filled with love, honesty, and support -Aaaaahhh. Fantastic!!
I’m putting that on my vision board

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Thanks FW!

Scott
Scott
8 years ago

What if I can parent my children without being criticized?

What if I can be my true, genuine funny self without being told I am too loud and gregarious?

What if I can someday find a relationship where a person tells me what they like about me instead of giving me a laundry list of everything I am not?

Fleur
Fleur
8 years ago

What if I could read 1-2 books per week in place of all the time spent checking up on websites / social media / playing private detective. Because, let’s face it, if you stay with a cheater, you will spend hours per day / week checking up on things. Like the false reconciliation crowd promotes “trust, but verify.” What a way to live!

What if I could make it thru the afternoon and early evening and not constantly check the clock to see if my husband is late coming home from work.

What if I could re-learn a musical instrument and realize, I’m a first chair kinda girl and not some second chair, or third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth.

What if I, instead of feeling sorry for myself or thinking I have a huge loss, volunteer at a homeless or animal shelter, a food pantry, a woman’s resource center, and realize so many others are deserving of my compassion and love.

TiredChump
TiredChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Fleur

Such a great idea to spend all the time spent “checking up on cheater” on yourself instead.
Adding this to my resolutions.
Go Fleur!

Fleur
Fleur
8 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Thank you, TC! It’s so liberating to stop doing that!

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

What if, instead of making efforts to meet new people every week to fill the void, I used my free time to create the cartoons and comics and paintings I have been wanting to make all my life ?
What if I finally admitted that a parner entails a huge compromise and takes a big chunk of our opportunies away even when it’s a decent person ? What if I realized that I don’t need one, have never needed one, and the fact that I am pretty does not imply that I must find one ?

willm999
willm999
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

When I realized that I was trying to fill that “couple” void, I decided to date myself instead. All the effort to meet new people was stressful and disappointing at least for right now.

WhatJustHappend
WhatJustHappend
8 years ago

What if I took control and stopped being afraid? I’m hiring the attorney y’all and I’m making demands!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago

What if you got the most bad ass attorney around? Rock on WhatJustHappend!

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

What if I wake up and find it easy to get out of bed in the morning .
What if I inspire other people to be happy with a smile instead of the scowl I know I sometimes show
What if that smile I give makes me happy
What if I choose to trust myself to leave a job that I hate and go do something I want to do regardless of compensation
what if., I am good enough!

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

“What if I’m good enough?” That says it all Michael…and you are.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago

What if instead of enabling a lying, cheating, SOB I took a road trip across the US?

Oh, wait. I did!

Ahhh meh……n

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Oh hahahaha, love it Calamity Jane, “Ahhh meh…….n”

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

And what a trip it was!

And don’t forget you learned to fly (metaphorically and literally! for newbies–CJ started taking flying lessons after she kicked out her cheater).

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well, I did complete ground school and had two single engine flight lessons, then told my instructor I would prefer to pilot an ultra light.

The point is, the possibilities are endless for your own personal growth. My interests are no longer relegated to the back seat while the lying cheating sack o’ shit was in control.

I get down on my hands and knees and thank God the truth came out and I am free of being shackled to a man who was well practiced in the art of deception.

What if I didn’t have wake up in the morning to another day of listening to a grown man blame everyone else for his problems, act like a victim and attempt to devalue me in order to feel powerful?

I would have my life back.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

What if I do what Calamity did?
What if after divorcing a cheater, I take my ‘portion’ (Probably won’t even end up with half the way this fucking divorce is going), buy a camper and take a road trip to meet some of my new friends from CL?

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Even if I lose the Airstream, I’m still coming!

Blown Away
Blown Away
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

I have talked about this…get an RV, a young hunkie driver and take my BFF (she just lost her husband to a heart attack) and hit the road! Scumbag only wanted to go places where there were great golf courses and hated travel. What if I spent a year seeing all 50 states and the National Parks!! Woo Hoo Me!!

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago

I read yesterday on a support site that it takes about 90 days of no contact to be free of the narcissists manipulation and start thinking for yourself again. It’s amazing how we see ourselves and our world differently once we get away from the abusers. SarBear it sounds like you are ahead of the curve. Good for you!

TiredChump
TiredChump
8 years ago

I promise to do something every single day that makes MY HEART sing!

Note to chumps: Please make sure you understand that the phrase “my heart” needs to be capitalized, bolded and underlined! !!!!!! Your heart is not that of your kids, your cheater, your boss, your sister, your neighbor, your work colleagues or anyone else for that mattter.

Hugs and Happiness to all

moving forward
moving forward
8 years ago

What if I:

– Follow the 3 chances rule with romantic partners? Three strikes and then move on.

– Listen to my gut more? Scratch that – always listen to my gut.

– Say “no thanks” more?

Actually, these three are part of my personal credo now.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  moving forward

I was thinking today: What if I realized “No” was a full sentence?

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago

What if I stop listening to the abuser’s negative, devaluing soundtrack in my head and truly accept that I am worthy of love, kindness, and all things good? I’m almost there, and it feels so right.

Doop
Doop
8 years ago

What if every moment I am in my home I can appreciate what a peaceful retreat it is?
What if I can go for days on end without being lied to or stolen from?
What if I go to bed at night knowing my rest won’t be interrupted by the key fumbling into the lock, someone coming in with excuses about where he’s been and why he’s coming home so late (or so early)?
What if my conversations are filled with discussions of great books I’ve read, films I’ve seen, trips I’ve taken, political issues, instead of a discussion the wrongs being committed against me? How much would my brain and soul appreciate that?
What if I wake up each day knowing that everything is okay?

Lucky
Lucky
8 years ago

After helping my x get through 7 years of education and then find out it was all about him ( he was trying to figure out how to get rid of me once he got his new career all settled ); I woke up!!!

I was lower than dirt. No rights to the house in a strange city. I got a student loan and went back to school.

I got a crappy apartment and moved out.

I am just finishing an apprenticeship and my divorce was final last month.

My what if’s are what if I had stayed.

What if I had kept eating those shit sandwiches ??

No regrets. My rental house by the river is lovely. My kids are seeing a Mother who does not model being a doormat to your spouse or taking abuse, financial, verbal or otherwise.

Instead of investing in his potential I invested in my own.

Lulu
Lulu
8 years ago

What if I put my sleuthing skills to good use and started my own private detective agency?

What if I used my first-hand knowledge of betrayal and villainy and wrote a great a novel?

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Lulu–Do both: Private investigator and best-selling books (perhaps based on your investigative endeavors!)!

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

These are awesome, Lulu! CL could inspire all sorts of new careers. Custom voodoo doll makers, pitchfork tine sharpeners, special CN bedazzling services 😉

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Chump Nation Investigators, Inc., would be a force to be reckoned with!

I just put all my journals from The Troubles into a box in the basement labeled “for my memoirs”. I think these experiences could produce some compelling literature.

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Actually, my sister and I are pondering the investigations agency part. Both of us are divorced from abusive men (mine was a cheater, hers was a beater). She has been an Addiction Counselor with a treatment facility for years, and is now taking coursework in Criminology. I honed my investigative/research skills in the News business for three decades, graduated from college with my major in Information Technology, and plan on joining her in Criminology studies soon. Our Dad (now deceased), was a Police Major and Homicide Detective.

We are our father’s daughters.

I suppose that is one of my What ifs. My others include getting over my fear of performing and start playing my harp for patients in hospitals and palliative care.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Love that idea Boudica, do it!!

5jumpchump
5jumpchump
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

“My others include getting over my fear of performing and start playing my harp for patients in hospitals and palliative care.”

Please do this noble endeavor… I was a veterans hospice volunteer, and every little bit of palliative care, hospice or not makes a difference. The joy you will bring to these people is so profound, and the experience will alter your life forever… Let me give you a brief example, and just a single facet of what it was like for me.

Being a fellow vet, the people I encountered had an outlet of understanding, no judgment, and trust. It was also a chance to be one of the boys, cuss, and reminisce from a service members POV of better times. In some cases, I was their non-religious confessional, a place to unload a lifelong burden of the horrors of war, with words never spoken but to me in the the fading light of their last act.

You never know Boudica Reborn; your efforts may be the positive turning point for a person in great need about to give up, one tiny bit of pure joy in an otherwise dismal existence, hope instilled by virtue of beautiful music. They will beg you to stay, and this is a very difficult aspect of this line of “work”. Good on you for wanting to help others, and I truly hope you take the next step.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Boudica–you would make a great PI! And think of the satisfaction helping other chumps ditch the devils off their back. (I’m now picturing your avatar in a black jumpsuit, per the Avengers.)

Virago
Virago
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Holy Karma Bus! Look out cheaters!
Boudica, you really rock!

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago

For the last year and four months, I’ve woken up every day and had to remind myself that the debacle actually happened. Like an amputee still feeling my limb.

While early on this helped me to accept reality, my new reality is no longer affected by the ex. I need a new morning reminder that the rest of my life is ahead of me and my children.

Something simple, like “Make this day good.”

Maggie May
Maggie May
8 years ago

What if I knew then what I know now….when a husband says he wants space….the space is between another woman’s legs.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Maggie May

Mavgiemay

That space they need-they get to live with when we’ve had enough.
What if I decide my space is no longer cluttered with his needs and sever the anchor. Lol

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Maggie May

This is so true, Maggie May! Asshat moved out, blaming me and our marriage issues. He failed to mention he’d been cheating for nearly a year at the time 🙁

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Maggie May

Or to allow a guy in that space!

tobiwan75
tobiwan75
8 years ago

QUESTION: Does anyone know what the deal is with ‘Shattered Wife’ ?

I’ve been reading her blog in which she goes through a 2 year journey of wanting to save her marriage and loving her husband, full circle into despising him and wanting nothing to do with him, but still refuses to leave.

Tempest put a posting up there a few days ago suggesting Chump Lady, and she responded saying she refused to recommend it because it was a site full of bitter people with bitter thoughts and for anyone who wanted to save their marriage to not come here. But she herself has admitted her marriage can’t be saved, and most of her comments are nothing but bitter, in fact if you don’t side with her and shower her with praise she either doesnt post your comments, or edits them and calls you judgmental.

I’m having a hard time understanding her hatred towards Chump Lady (and her inability to accept leaving as a viable option). In reading her comments its almost like she feels that by staying she is superior.

I just don’t understand. Nobody is better than anyone else, and this is hard regardless of what angle you take, but her perspective seems completely conflicting and contradictory.

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I read a bunch of her posts and replies this afternoon. I saw certain similarities to this site, with one glaring difference: people on this site are able to laugh! There may be laughter there, but I didn’t find any before I left off reading. But yeah, lots of bitterness and sadness. I do feel compassion for these women, but I wished I could just say come over here! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, or there can be, anyway.

There is a big difference between bitter and bittersweet.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Pearshaped

My friend once told me the day would come when I had enough. It comes at different times for everyone. Unfortunately, sometimes having a nation of support fir some is not their path until that day comes. I am hopeful SW reaches this point and can find the strength to detatch.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  tobiwan75

I’m sad for Shattered Wife. Her misery was the final straw for me to ditch any thoughts of reconciliation. I read her post when she was 11-months post D-day, and said she it was the first week she had more good days than bad. “Hell to the No!!” I thought; ain’t no way I am living through 11 months of awfulness for the prospect of 4 good days out of 7.

SW’s seeming superiority for staying in her marriage is cognitive dissonance pure and simple; she either needs to think what she is doing is noble (even if it is constant pain) or she needs to give up her quest to save her marriage singlehandedly (and she’s not there yet).

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Self flagellation? I dunno. I have instructed those close to me and my therapist to whack me upside the head if I ever displayed the drive to torment myself. You can get addicted to the high of this pain.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I don’t really follow her blog anymore but a few days ago came across her latest post in which she says she discovered her husband has a giant box of condoms. Of course she feels anger and pain and it is her blog but who knows why she is so close minded about those who don’t believe in reconciliation? I don’t read there much anymore because it’s a whole different brand of vitriol.

There was a post from a few months ago about staying, not divorce being the new shame and I thought chumps could all do with a lot less shame in general. It shouldn’t be a competition.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago

What if I take the next year and plan out and put into action the art of revenge? Then move on and live my life. Yes I know CL does not promote revenge…. but is it really a bad thing? I lived the last 5 years being lied to, treated like shit…. while she was enjoying the semi single life chasing other guys and putting my life at risk….. no I am not saying revenge sex… that does not work but hit them where it hurts.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB – I think revenge in certain scenarios is a great idea.
By certain scenarios – I mean in a way of giving the cheater their due consequences. Things like informing the authorities if they are, say, ripping off the government for money, or similar.
I don’t see it as revenge as such – more that you’re enforcing honesty.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

I think revenge fantasies are cathartic and healing (as long as they only stay fantasies; whatever you do, don’t get imprisoned for your cheater’s sake). Imagine away–imaging our cheaters devoured by fireants, falling into vast crevices–mentally and emotionally satisfying. Those images become less vivid and less important over time, but if they help you in the short term, go for it.

(ChumpyElf is a wonderful source of death-to-cheater ideas if she wants to chime in here.)

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My revenge will be centered on having gave her all the materialistic things she wanted…. then handing her the divorce papers next summer and taking it all away! Can not get them on an emotional level but one can take away all the important things they have. Important to them! Disordered people cant be hurt via emotions or revenge affairs but taking away something that makes them look good to public eye… House… pool… reputation… that is revenge on the only level I have! Kids will be gone and it will be on!

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

The snake is massively materialistic. Always had to buy certain brands, buy the more expensive item, had to drive a certain kind of car, had to have an impressive looking home on the OUTSIDE more than the inside (although the inside had to be nice too, other people didn’t see much of it), and so on.

I’m going to end up with half our assets. That will be painful to him. He will have to live more frugally, won’t be able to throw money at others to buy affection and attention. His standard of living will be greatly affected, as I won’t be alongside being afraid to spend on myself, so he got much more discretionary income to throw around.

He got half my life. I’m getting half our stuff. That’s how it works, and he is already angry and resentful of that, and I haven’t even filed yet (next week!) It’s going to be gruesome when the reality of it really hits him, but I’m in another state, so harassing me in person will be more difficult.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

My big fantasy involves some awesome way to let Asshat’s family, friends and community know what a lying scumbag he is. Sadly, as most of us have learned, adultery doesn’t seem to be big news these days.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

That is true…. unfortunately it seems to be somewhat acceptable.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Probably because people have fallen for the “NEEDS” crap. So the blame is no longer there…. well if only he/she had gotten what they needed!

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LMAO, is that how I’m known? The red voodoo doll I had in college had things like ‘halitosis’ on it. ‘Dick falling off’ or ‘nuts mysteriously nailed to front porch’ aren’t much more severe punishments, are they? I think my exploits have been grossly misinterpreted ;O

I took up archery. In case I need to defend my house, child and self from Florence. Too bad I can’t actually hit anything so I decided I might try my hand at throwing knives but, who am I kidding, I get nervous using a paring knife.

EA is a true pro at coming up with the best evil fantasy plots 🙂

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Corny I know, but the best revenge is living well and really, your wife and boyfriend would more than likely get off on the attention/revenge. I think you said in previous posts that you do not believe in Karma. Karma will happen, but not until well after you move on, count on it. Just keep in mind narcissists do not react as we do, to bad things happening in their lives.

Wisertoday
Wisertoday
8 years ago

What if I accept that the First Law of Thermodynamics is true, that energy is never created or destroyed? That would mean I could let go of mourning 26 years of love that was given but never accepted, knowing that the Universe held that deflected love safely, just waiting for the moment to return it to me like a cosmic boomerang, once I was ready to reach out and catch it! Started believing this yesterday, and the revelation has set me free! And yeah, yesterday really was Tuesday.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

YES!!! I believe it too. Love really is a force in nature. One can’t really measure it, but it makes people come together from distant places. It inspires many to sacrifice everything for another. It is one of the main messages of most religions. And it’s truly felt and acted upon by millions. It’s like the Force in Star Wars. Many don’t feel it at all, and others actively use it to destroy. If that’s not a part of the natural universe, I don’t know what is.

Arlo
Arlo
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

Love this, thank you Wiser

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

I love the notion that the Universe has held on to all the love given freely and will be giving it back, perhaps even exponentially expanded. What a beautiful theory. I’m sold.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

Wiser, that is beautiful! And I believe it is true, we can all catch the cosmic boomerang of what we gave (even if it was never received or reciprocated by our ex cheaterrs), by filling the holes they left with beauty, joy and love.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

This 1st Law of Thermodynamics thing makes my little science-y heart happy. I will happily subscribe to this belief!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Wisertoday

I’m thirty years in and two and a half, I’ve let most of it go just recently starting divorce but feeling better every day. Asswipe is over it already me and the whore. I think there will be scars that linger for awhile. But those scars make me mighty!!

Renee62
Renee62
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

“Scars remind us where we’ve been but they don’t have to dictate where we’re going.”
—Special Agent David Rossi~ Criminal Minds

(((HUGS))) to Mighty Chump Nation!!!

ChumpedALot
ChumpedALot
8 years ago

What if I stop the negative thoughts based on 18 years of being with a gaslighting fuckwit (you’re fat, you’re a sow, your hair is thin, your laugh is fake, blah, blah, blah) and instead let positive thoughts bubble up?

What if I focus 100 percent on creating a better, cheater-free life for myself and my child, rather than looking back and regretting the past?

What if I host a dinner at my reclaimed/refreshed home for friends/neighbors that have supported me during this whole debacle (including the single guy next door…picking up a different vibe from him now that I am nearly divorced, go figure)?

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago

What if I finally get to Meh and realize there is an end to this horrific pain?
What if, after years of being single I meet the man of my dreams? Someone who thinks I hung the moon?
What if he proposed to me this past weekend and I’m the ONE who lives happily ever after?
Not as impossible as it sounds. Because it’s all true and happened. Moocho love to CL and CN!~

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

That’s wonderful, Syringa! Congrats!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Yeehaw!!! Congratulations!!!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Syringa congratulations!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

My the Force be with you, Syringa. Congrats!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Yayayayayayay Syringa ?

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Yeah, Syringa! You deserve happiness (and congrats on the official proposal)!

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest!~ I’m going to marry that amazing, gorgeous man!~ Yay me!!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago

What if my expectations aren’t too high?

LemonSqueezy
LemonSqueezy
8 years ago

What if I ignored the noise in my head and focused on moving forward instead of reliving the past?

What if I allow myself to finally be proud of myself for the things I’ve been able to achieve since DDay despite all the chaos (I.e., went back to school, ran a marathon)?

What if I stop wishing I could rewind and instead push pause throughout the day and absorb moments with my kids?

What if I allow myself to be happy?
What if I saw myself as worthy? Beautiful? Valued? Confidant?

What if used this pain and heartache to propel myself forward to “Meh” to happiness, to a new and improved life free of the betrayer, narcissistic dickweed that has tried so desperately to invade me… Weeds no longer!!

NewMeme
NewMeme
8 years ago

As usual, CL, superb timing. I’m finally in a place where I want to really move on, get the X off of the last bit of real estate in my head, and live fully in the sunlight.

My credo is simple –

What if I was kind to myself?

I think it was Lyn yesterday who talked about growing up in the 50s and 60s, with women who always deferred to husbands, family, neighbours. I modelled my life on that behaviour and it did not serve me well.

It still feels selfish, but I now consider how I feel about situations before I act. Gut screaming? Don’t do it. Makes me sad? Don’t think it. Sends the blood pressure soaring, sleepless nights, stress? No.

I am content on my own, making my own decisions, discovering my new life. And yes, being kind to myself, finally, after years of giving that power away to others who didn’t give a good goddam.

Carry On My Wayward Nerd Girl
Carry On My Wayward Nerd Girl
8 years ago

What-if i actually end up making more money than we ever had with X in the picture? This is becoming a very real possibility.
What if I get to actually travel some day? X would never fly…
What-if I learn how to build all the things he never would build me, even though he was a carpenter?
Ooohhh I really LOVE that last one!
I can build whatever kind of coup and potting shed I want, and learn to put up fencing and a fire-ring and…
No. Stop. I can’t do this one CN. What-if? I can’t get behind it.
WHEN.
WHEN i make more money, and WHEN i travel and WHEN I learn to use all those power tools and build my own chicken coop and everything else I’ve always wanted.
Not what-if, but when.
I apologize if I got off the point.

Jess's Mom
Jess's Mom
8 years ago

I’m in the same boat … very likely to make more money without the heavy, exhausting anchor tied to my ankle. It’s a great feeling, but I need to make sure the divorce is final before I get too far down that path. If asshat tried to get alimony from me, I would likely go ballistic.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago

Preach it sistah !!

I stood in my yard shovel in hand trying to decide if I would dig up a section of “grass” then never grew grass so I could make it a planting bed and I looked to my left and right as if I had to ask someone…then I remembered that the dirt and the house and the shovel belonged to one mighty gal, ME and dig I did

And I gave his hot tub away to some country boy who dragged it off.

Then I sold off his stupid stocks and went to London.

Then I had sex on a boat with a man wearing a kilt.

You ARE GOING TO make money and travel and build shit – you will!!!

Blown Away
Blown Away
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

OH I JUST LOVE ALL OF YOU,… What a WONDERFUL place this is…

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
8 years ago

Hey all you wonderful Chumps – I am 4 months from D-day, and while I still struggle with the “what are ‘they’ doing now” , “why is she so much thinner, prettier, accomplished than me” and “honestly wtf happened to my 24 year marriage to a man that everyone thought was the salt of the earth”? I love reading your advice. Here’s where I need help….I spend a lot of time trying to figure out “what now”? “What will I do with my future”? “Will I be alone forever”? “If he was so unhappy for so long, why not just let me go when I was young enough to maybe find someone who really loves me”? The lonliness and fear is keeping me awake at night…thank you.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

You’re still trying to untangle it. The hurt won’t go away, not right now. But time and n/c makes it fade- so I’m told. Don’t try to tell yourself you can’t feel these things. You’re mourning a death – of the character you thought he was- and that takes time, especially when his evil twin is still alive and kicking as his awful alter ego in your world. I by no means expect I will think about this less after a year- I just hope I have some better self speak, and I am far enough out to not try to turn it on myself. You need to trudge through grief to get over it. You may need to experiment to know what’s going to make it suck less for you. But trying to distract yourself from the reality of your reality- it just puts it off. hugs.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Chumptastic, what you are feeling is very normal for your stage of healing. You are still reeling at 4 months.

One thing that helped me to sleep was to listen to uplifting, encouraging podcasts on my iPod when I was trying to sleep at night. Listening to someone else kept my mind off of my own thoughts and I often fell asleep listening. When I woke up at night I’d put the iPod back on and listen until I fell asleep again. I know how those circular thoughts are just wearing you down, and getting you nowhere. You brain is trying to make sense of what happened and it’ll take awhile before it gives up trying and moves on. One person I like to listen to is Joyce Meyers, because she’s overcome an abusive childhood and has walked the walk, but there are tons of other podcasts you can choose from. Even meditation exercises could be useful. You have to distract your brain from trying understand what you’ll never really understand and train it to look for other topics of interest.

Another thing I did was to pay attention to whatever brought me even the smallest sliver of joy. I noticed that whenever I listened to music it made me feel better, so I started trying to get music into my life as much as possible. Music is one of my earliest loves from childhood. I started playing the piano again, and went to as many concerts as I could. I participated in the church choir. It had been a long time since I’d been able to immerse myself in music.

Also, keeping a gratitude journal and writing down anything I could think of to be grateful for helped. Maybe the only thing I could think of was “I enjoyed petting my dog,” but I wrote it down. It trains your brain to look for positive things to focus on.

Whenever you’re tempted to find out what your ex is doing ask yourself “Is this something that’s going to help me, or hurt me?” Every time, the answer is going to be “hurt me.” Choose to do the thing that protects you instead of hurts you. Block all their social accounts and tell your friends you don’t want to hear what your ex is doing. Let them know that moving forward with your new life is your new focus.

Get yourself a calendar and put a smiley face on the date you go all morning without thinking about your ex. You’ll see the smiley faces start showing up more often as you’re making progress. Another thing you can do is get a journal and write down every small step you make towards a goal, in essence become your own cheerleader.

You are trying to beat an addiction to your ex and your old life, your brain is seeking to figure out what went wrong in order to delay dealing with what it doesn’t know (what does my future hold). You can gently coax it forward. The answers you’re seeking won’t come until you’ve started your journey. It’s like wanting to know everything that’s going to happen on a trip before you’ve set foot on the plane. It takes time and perspective to work it all out.

Hope this helps! Hang in there and know that you won’t feel this way forever. We’ve all been where you are and it does get better.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Ha ! I’ve spent most nights falling asleep while listening to Joyce Meyers, and I am also 4 months after breakup. Joyce Meyers is wonderful. The pastor of the tiny evangelical church next to the beach around here (south of France) also has a way with words that is empowering. One sunday, I went to his tiny church feeling lower than low, and when I came out, I was at peace, feeling wonderful on my own, and treated myself with a plate of fresh oysters and a glass of white wine.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

And the other thing that I doo too, is record all the positive facts of the day into a diary. And the negatives. It helps me realize that there are almost only positives.

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Thank you so much! I’ll take that advice.

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Chumptastic…..after many years of intense grief I got to Meh. (I don’t get over things easily) I found a wonderful man and just got engaged. I’m 60 and he’s 62. He’s in amazing shape and works out every day and we play on the weekends and have an incredible love life!! It can happen. Old people can get married. lol

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

So happy for you Syringa!

C.
C.
8 years ago

I can FINALLY, peacefully, say: “We all reap what we sew, in this life, and in the next. That is enough for me.”

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  C.

Contentment is happiness, so few realize it, so good to find peace

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

What if I became a conqueror instead of a victim of circumstances?
What if I surrounded myself with people who encouraged me instead of criticized me?
What if I followed my dreams instead of supporting someone else’s?
What if I started pleasing myself instead of trying to please everyone else?
What if I discovered my own value instead of asking someone else to value me?
What if I faced my fear of being alone instead of clinging to someone who doesn’t want me?
What if I discovered my own strength instead of looking for someone else to protect me?

Then I would be FREE!

Jess's Mom
Jess's Mom
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Beautifully stated!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Fabulous, Lyn!

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Love this.

SayNoToSparkles
SayNoToSparkles
8 years ago

What if all the ugly, nasty, horrible things cheaters texts make me laugh instead of cry then laugh?

What if I could not live in constant fear or looking over my shoulder wondering what ex and AP are going to throw at me next?

What if I had the magical answers for my kids when they ask the really hard questions?

What if I go back to school, get a degree, and land the dream job?

What if I should be thankful for my time at home with the kids all those years was a blessing and not a stone to thrown in my face for “not contributing”

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

What if… I didn’t let his mistakes feel like mine. What if I left behind the guilt and lived as the vivacious, incredible woman I am, without fear. What if I made plans for the future without expecting a bomb. What if I embraced that although I am flawed I am also incredibly loveable. What if I allowed myself to love. What if I encouraged it. What if I didn’t let this past overshadow my hope of better. What if I really became the woman he was scared of me being from the beginning. What if I understood that he was the broken one, not me (I was collateral damage). What if I focused on the love and beauty I have in my life for courage to keep going.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

Love it Creativerational!

Allypally
Allypally
8 years ago

What if I dance around to “Brick House” and do the bump with my daughter instead of thinking about the sparkle-fest that is happening between my STBXH and his 17 year younger Chinese girlfriend?

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Allypally

So many happy memories of dancing to Brick House!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I liked Flashdance, don’t think I can do the flips anymore. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=asBSJMOibmY

What if I tried? Hospital bills, LoL

Mehbound
Mehbound
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Thanks Dat for that flashdance link! I have a vivid memory of that time in my life! What a feeling is right! I could do anything! Slowly but surely getting my mighty back!!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

What a feeling!….. (either joy. or the pain of twisted ligaments). I’m glad someone else will admit to liking Flashdance.