And the 2026 Infidelity Valentine’s Winners Are…
Happy Valentine’s Day! The winners of the infidelity poetry contest are…
It was hard to choose. So I had to ask Monty, our golden retriever to weigh in on all this cleverness. He wanted to know which one smelled like squirrels. So I asked Mr. CL instead, because unlike Monty, he has a useless degree in comparative literature. And together we decided.
And the winning limerick is…
Team_No_Contact
He’d told me that she was a lesbian
He faked just like a true thespian
When I learned the truth —
Though I was no sleuth —
His excuses were Esther Perel-ian
You had me at making Esther Perel an adjective and rhyming it with thespian. All the stars!
And the winning haiku is…
Savlona
To fill his chasm,
His dark deep pit of a soul,
This fool tried holes.
FW are bottomless pits of need in search of orifices. You captured a lot in a few syllables.
And the runners up were!
Chump up the Jam
Exuberant defiance
An unwitting wife appliance
Grabs the blender and the Instant Pot,
Drives off without a second thought
Destination: self-reliance
Rhyming exuberant defiance with wife appliance was stellar. I hope he and his InstaPot are very happy together. He can go boil his head.
Hell of a Chump
A friend learned her husband’s bangmaid
Tried to get in the family way
So as agreed to in RIC
The rawdogger got snipped
Now he’s back in the dog park but spayed
Mr CL liked this one. Probably for the dog park reference. Monty seconds that.
ChampionChump
There was an insufferable prick,
Who only felt love through his dick
Little did I know
He fell for a ho
I now see why he gave me the ick
So much ick.
RecoveringHopiumAddict.
On a beach I asked
Will it always hurt like this?
A rainbow answered.
Beautiful.
inthepoison
I was mistaken
to think you were amazing—
I’m keeping the cat.
You know that cat is amazing. And the FW not so much.
Kudos to the infidelity valentine winners! Bragging rights all around! And slobbery wet kisses from Monty.
Hurrah for Chump Creativity! Poetic wit and profundity in the face of our nightmares.
How impressive are we, Chump Nation?
I love the creativity and wit on display every year from everyone who submits poems to the challenge. Thank you to all who took a moment to rhyme and count syllables in the service of mightiness.
And big congratulations to the winners!
Hooray! Thank you so much for my honourable mention, I’m thrilled! Well done everyone, I loved reading the entries.
And thank you to all of CN for your wisdom, solidarity, and humour, especially on days like today when the injustice and loneliness can really get to you.
May the cat of righteousness purr in forever in your lap.
To hell with all poetry, Monty is the clear winner!