Infidelity Valentines 2026
It’s time again for our Infidelity Valentines contest, where we immortalize our cheaters in verse. Forget the chocolate and pink teddy bears! Bring me your bad poetry!
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
A haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky cheater valentine gems.
Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse.
Keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
Put your submissions in the comments. (You’ll have to register on the site to comment.) Please do not email them to me, as much as I enjoy your witticisms, they are to be shared.
Looking for other ways to celebrate liberation from a FW?
For a small donation, this animal shelter will Neuter Your Ex. Okay, not really. But they will neuter or spay a feral cat in their name. The dick may still wander, but it won’t reproduce.
And this shelter will name a pee pad after your ex!
However you celebrate, send me your Infidelity Valentines poetry!
The winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.
Snark on, CN!
TGIF!
There once was a FW from phoenix
Whose whole world revolved round his penix
Entitled to stray
But there came a day
When he was tossed out in the remix
Hahahaaaa!
Brilliant!
Penix! Ding ding ding we have a weiner!
Penix! 😆 I love it!
I’ll try and get the ball rolling with this …….
Did you really think
that you were “all that” and more?
B*tch …. I am the prize
LFTT
nice!
Funny and charming oh my
Covert narc in human disguise
Snuck outta work to f**k
Two bit hos that suck
Porn dick with potbelly full of lies
There once was a girl from Passaic
Who turned out to be just a fake
She screwed all those guys
But then I got wise
And told her to jump in a lake
There once was a man named Rick
What he loved most was his dick
Now I am free
When he wanted to be
Oh, why did I love such a prick?
Trust is a real thing
Funny how you can’t touch it
but you can lose it
That’s very moving… poignant, beautiful.
There once was a fraudster named Ester Perel
On whose excuses for cheating we wont dwell
She has chumps take the blame
And frees cheaters of shame
Such fuckery brings fresh hell
There once was a fraudster named Ester Perel
On whose excuses for cheating we wont dwell
She has chumps take the blame
And frees cheaters of shame
Such f*ckery brings fresh hell
There once was an asshole deceiver.
I loved him with faith and fever.
Indifferent and cold he remained.
My heart, he hurt and pained.
Till divorce made me a “Leaver”
There once was a geezer named Pete
An epic liar and cheat
He delighted in duping with futures fake
All so he could gorge on unlimited cake
Exposing this f*ckwit feels sweet.
OT FW news; bizarre (and at times darkly hilarious) infidelity scandal.
https://www.thebulwark.com/p/shocking-sex-scandal-rocks-trad-right-elijah-schaffer-sarah-stock
Oh, my gosh! I just read the whole linked article; it’s astonishing how many kooks there are in the world.
Dang, that deserves a limerick!
Fans of married one-sixer named Schaffer
Thought him pure as a communion wafer
Till he blessed with his c*ck
Another bro’s Stock
Now not even Pope Leo will save her
😄👏👏👏
Holy sh*t—These are some lunatics! Thanks for sharing this hot tea! I knew what trad wife means (omg puke) but had to look up e-girl. Their hypocrisy is bottomless…
There once was a cheater named Sam;
Tried to undo all that I am.
Preyed on children, women, and men;
There were at least over ten.
Until finally I told her to scram.
He’d told me that she was a lesbian
He faked just like a true thespian
When I learned the truth —
Though I was no sleuth —
His excuses were Esther Perel-ian
Wow clever clever on making her name an adjective and one that rhymes!!
Nice one!
A cheap, married grifter named Roger
Loved playing the suave artful dodger
One move wasn’t so slick
A misdirected d*ck pic
Now he lives as a rootless c**klodger.
Had to Google the word and 😄😄😄
😄 Brits have the best insults.
Same!😄
Normalize cheating
We all do it so what’s next?
Pedophilia?
This cheater in a man suit
Proclaimed his life’s pursuit
His childhood was bad
Did not want to FW like dad
Turns out that tree has some roots
There once was a man named McColley
Whose drinking sent him right off his trolley
He whored around town
Behaved like a clown
And found his human blow up dolly.
Never a partner, and hardly a mate
Foolishly, thought he was my fate
Read LEAVE A CHEATER GET A LIFE
Really helped me get through my strife
For Tuesday, now I wait 💪🏼😎
Exuberant defiance
An unwitting wife appliance
Grabs the blender and the Instant Pot,
Drives off without a second thought
Destination: self-reliance
(I fully accept and encourage that this will need approval.)
Google Makes Me Sad
Can’t Call Them F*ckwits Anymore
We Have Been Censored
He sleeps with his phone,
I raise the kids alone,
He says I’m so lucky to have him.
I thought it was me
And then he shared his STD
I divorced him so that I wouldn’t stab him.
Now I’ve lost weight
And, damn, I look great!
He misses me, but his APs can have him.
Now he’s so sad,
He says life is bad,
But mine is better than he can fathom!
Misstiffany that is mighty!
I worked while he was in school
He must have thought I was a fool
Kept getting some @SS
From the ho in his class
When I left he called ME cruel!
There once was a good man from ‘Go
He fell for this colleague, the ho
The damsel in distress
Became his mistress
Two families lost in a shitty, sh*t show.
I love shitty, sh*t show.😂
The FW XW told me truthfully,
her AP had asked rather ruefully,
should we tell our spouses?
Of course not, they’re louses!
Now she’s stuck with his cheap ass eternally.
😄🤣 lol!
A local politician’s the XW,
did that matter as she buried the knife?
Though initially she was bridaled,
It couldn’t last, she was Esther-entitled,
But f*ck! She can’t hold a job for her life!
Top notch! Esther-entitled needs to officially be a phrase in the CN vocab.
Thank you, OHFFS! High praise, indeed!😁
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
“I’m not like my father,”
Honey, he ghost-wrote you.
Starts as nursery rhyme, ends as Zora Neale Hurston. 😀
True story.
A friend learned her husband’s bangmaid
Tried to get in the family way
So as agreed to in RIC
The rawdogger got snipped
Now he’s back in the dog park but spayed
Brilliant HOAC!
A lot to be said for post-D-Day snip…🙏🕊
Existing kids don’t usually benefit from having surprise half-siblings.
No, exactly. And I’d truly have lost my mind and beyond. My xh got two surprise half siblings himself, at about the age our boys are now. Maybe that helped in our favour, I reminded him it wouldnt be fair to our boys… and that condoms alone are not enough!!!!
Her car breathalyzer didn’t shame her
She was an alcoholic fitness trainer
He screwed her on our dock
He forgot that I rock
So I flushed our marriage down the drainer.
Trainer/drainer for the win! 😀
This may not be perfect syllable-wise for haiku. Apologies in advance.
The FW XW,
f*cked her slimy, cheap -*ss boss.
My mid-life crisis?🙄🤬
Nailed it, I say!🙌
(I deleted a too-long serious one – sorry!)
There was an insufferable prick,
Who only felt love through his dick
Little did I know
He fell for a ho
I now see why he gave me the ick
Love it!
((Hugs & ♥️)) for your “too-long serious one”. Good on you for getting it out of your head onto paper. Creative, cathartic, healing.
You called me broken.
But look at where I am now
And then look at you.
💖
Faithful, loving wife
Betrayed; went to Hell and back
Now moving to Meh
There once was a ” I have feelings for someone”
Which meant: “shagging at work just for fun”
Oh woe! He is torn!
But I listened to Schorn
Said “too late my old mate I am done”
Too many years of
Waiting for the shoe to drop
It was a ski boot
Two children, immigration and careers
built over years despite the challenges and fears
As soon as the hardship let go
He gave it all to the nearest young ho
After luring her with his crocodile tears
Those shining round globes on the wall –
That’s security watching us all.
The men on that crew,
they certainly knew
Her vagina was open for all.
At shift change they shared a report
Of doings all ’round the fort:
Empty rooms she snuck in
And the chapel again(!)
Married men were her favorite sport.
So clever Scarysherry… you really painted the picture of a whole story in 10 perfectly crafted lines. From the shining round globes to married men being a sport… clever wordsmithing.
The chapel! Wow, just…wow.
There was a sociopath named Steve
Aka John the porn obsessed dweeb
F’d prostitutes galore
3 continents, 4 countries, US states and more
Claimed he never shared an std
Extortion revealed his human trafficking spree
Now he’s 1.5 million poorer- yippee!
Were we married to the same “man”?
Wouldn’t that be unsurprising? After all, we never knew him/them. Hello sister wife, nice to meet you.
To fill his chasm,
His dark deep pit of a soul,
This fool tried holes.
Brilliant. Gets right to the core of the problem.
Hard-earned gains wiped out
F*ckwit’s lawyer laughing
All the way to bank
Entitled whiner:
“I deserve to be happy!”
May karma oblige.
that is great
No idea when this was posted. Best haiku ever! From memory:
they slept in my bed
never washed the dirty sheets
there’s not enough bleach
Could be “our bed” instead of “my bed” — I do not claim perfect recall.
You are a cheater
Lies and lies forever more
You are a cheater
I like it. Concise and makes the point.
Hungarian wife
Horton more than heard the whoo-re
Faithful just to wine
Not snarky, but written about a moment of hope in a dark time.
On a beach I asked
Will it always hurt like this?
A rainbow answered.
Beautiful x
I love this.
“I’m sorry”, he cried
“I don’t want a divorce now!”
Too late, it’s Tuesday.
brilliant!
I was mistaken
to think you were amazing—
I’m keeping the cat.
Love this, I’m keeping the cat!!
same!
There once was a woman who cheated
On her wife while she was going through treatment;
Yes, we’re both female,
But don’t let that detail
Stop justice from prevailing as needed.
He said to me “I’m the One”
While he’s secretly out having “fun”
I’m someone better’s new wife
The best shape of my life!
Now his bald spot reflects in the sun!
My husband has long, very thick, wavy Hozier hair.
I spotted my ex across the street when we were at a coffee shop. I noticed him when the bald spot on his head literally reflected sunlight. …yes it is visible from across the street. He’s not even 40 yet.
What is Hozier hair? And good for you!😊
Look up the Irish singer Hozier.
My husband’s hair is like that.
Yum. Lucky you.
Fn(kw1t was once my jailer.
He was never at home, like a whaler.
He left all jobs to me.
He controlled the money.
Now he lives in Cousin Eddie’s trailer.
(Cousins Eddie from Christmas Vacation)
“He was never at home, like a whaler.”!
When I had cancer
You were cheating all along
Now I can’t be stopped
I LIKE this.😁
these are all amazing, but that one—!!!