And the Saddest Sausage Goes to…

sadzI was thinking this week of Sumner Stroh’s video (one of Adam Levine’s Schmoopies) playing the aggrieved party, the wounded innocent. And I think we could have a new award, a sort of bronze weenie — The Sad Sausage — given out for best DARVO performance.

Hey, this hurts them too. More really.

So, your Friday Challenge is to share the most egregious deny-attack-reverse-victim-offender word salad you’ve heard.

It can be your cheater, or some buffoon in the public sphere. Half-assed non-apology apologies abound. (Boris Johnson, I’m looking at you.)

Bonus points if you want to describe what this award ceremony looks like, or the statue itself. Categories of mindfuckery. Best new bullshit artist. Etc.

TGIF!

 

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Katherine
Katherine
1 year ago

Think this one is classic: my x-FW said «this just happened to me, I’m not the kind of guy these things «happen to»…like screwing your secretary over many years and lying about everything just «happens»…
He sure was the victim in that scenario, SNARK

singleisbetter
singleisbetter
1 year ago

Not me but one of my best friends. The other woman (the one he left his wife and young children for) made a sad FB post saying, “I guess I’m just Good Luck Chuck ????” after he left her for another woman too. Of course she left off the home wrecker part of her story, and the fact she was cheating on him too.

MsAzure
MsAzure
1 year ago
Reply to  singleisbetter

Their “thinking” (or lack thereof) is mindboggling, it really is. A cheater who dumps his family for you, then dumps you. Imagine that? There really needs to be a class for these clueless “puttanas” (one for my fellow Italian chumps out there) entitled, “Your Vagina is not Magical, it’s like Everest: Cheaters mount it because it’s there.”

Lady
Lady
1 year ago
Reply to  singleisbetter

Omg what’s wrong with shmoopies?
My h’s latest gf was feeling all miserable because he stopped contacting her.
She was cheated on and treated miserable by her x and was whining about that, but somehow- running around with my h and creating webs of lies was ok.
( probably because she was such a splendid individual and didn’t deserve mistreatment and I was a horrible bitchy wife ????)

BTAW
BTAW
1 year ago

I should feel bad for him because he’s a narcissist. ????
Here are a few:
-the hookers were all awkward and he felt awful after every one
-He was catfished and she didn’t look anything like her pic (still able to do her though)
-I apparently cried when he mentioned divorce 13 years ago, so he was forced to stay married, so he had no choice but start using hookers
-one hooker left after a BJ and had the audacity to ask for money for an Uber
Poor poor FW.

BTAW
BTAW
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

Oh an another one: after high risk HPV diagnosis (married 22 years, wasn’t from before him) he was sad that there was no test for him and the only way he’d know is when he got throat or penile cancer. Ugh

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

Ooh, penile cancer. Now that would be karma.

LadybugChump
LadybugChump
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

FW has a bent carrot. He’ll have to stay with OW since I stopped pick me dancing.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
1 year ago
Reply to  LadybugChump

That freaking commercial about ‘bent carrots’ is hysterical!! I didn’t know it was a ‘thing’. My ex’s did curve, but I didn’t know it was that unusual. That commercial though, cracks me up every time!

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

Oh yes, my Sad Sausage felt absolutely TERRIBLE while cheating on me with dozens of strippers and other women. Just awful. Every. Single. Time. Over and over and over again. *eyeroll*

Esna
Esna
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

Do they use the same playbook?
My h told me almost identical bs

Spedie
Spedie
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

BTAW: i was told by FW that ALL his hookers were ugly. SMH.

A. Friend
A. Friend
1 year ago
Reply to  Spedie

This is a sentence as packed with meaning as Hemingway’s short story: Baby shoes for sale, never worn.

and about as up lifting.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Spedie

“Some of them were disgusting!” (Ex describing his conquests) yep … I got that too.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago

X actually shuddered when recalling one of his many one-night stands.

Wonder if that one gave me one of the numerous STDS?

I don’t understand how anyone can be intimate with strangers, let alone a stranger they find don’t find attractive in any way.

He thought she was shudder-worthy but also fuckable? How does that work?

She apparently was very unattractive to him, but also worth blowing up his family? Risking his health (obviously he didn’t care about mine) and job (she was a customer of his company and he was on the job when they had sex) for a quickie seems outrageous, let alone for a quickie with someone who he would be ashamed to be seen with.

I can’t, and will never understand, the thought process at work here.

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago

I was really getting in the way of FW and OW’s perfect plans (it finally sunk in that there was no way I’d let them take my one-year-old out of the country be the ring bearer at their beach wedding), and, defeated, FW exclaimed, “You’re just being a sore loser!”

AreUJoking
AreUJoking
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

Fking kill him. Right now. Run him over repeatedly. Then we’ll see who the sore loser is. Air? Or him? Ah, HE’s the loser who can’t get air.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

He wanted to take your one-year old out of the country???!!!! So she could serve as a prop in his beach wedding???!!! Delusional in many ways, obviously.

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

The whole thing was so ill-conceived and based around some imaginary parental figure/evil villain in the shape of me that it was farcical really (in retrospect!) But of course he had me thinking it was my mess.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

He flattered himself!

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

His whole thing with the OW was based on flattering him. That was not the dynamic in our marriage. OW (true sociopath) knew precisely what his ego craved. For the record, the beach wedding didn’t happen. Their true love imploded when I made it clear I would no longer be serving as the villain in their fantasy.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

OMG, same. OW flattered and adored him (easy to do when he hadn’t abused her for a decade the way he had me). I stepped out of that messy triangle (I admit, it took a few years for me to go NC) and they blew up spectacularly.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

It’s no fun to playing Princess in the Tower without the “ogre.” Twu wuv isn’t sparkly without human sacrifice.

ExLifeLessons (ELL)
ExLifeLessons (ELL)
1 year ago

Hell… luv this & so true! They need a bad guy to keep the focus off themselves!

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago

Yes! And human sacrifice is sadly such an accurate term. I don’t know if we talk enough here about the direct lines we can trace from FWs’ abandonment to the very real, long-term trauma and mental health damage for us Chumps but perhaps more tragically for the kids. It’s been 7+ years and I can see how the trauma still affects my kids in very real ways. Every single day.

Speak and Teach and Learn
Speak and Teach and Learn
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

You’re right. We all should/must talk more about the real, actual EFFECTS on HUMAN LIVES, the cascade of thoughts, feelings, views of ourselves and other people in the world, relationships, roles of partners, perceived responsibilities and ways to handle conflict, effects on families, the covering up and awkward silences, sleepless nights, why mom or dad seems sullen, confused, mad, shaken up, discombobulated, unable to focus, completely erratic, grilling their mate/partner/spouse for “seemingly no reason at all” (especially when the partner speaks that aloud and gaslights everyone!). These are the absolute effects and reality that influence entire generations and … well, here we are now.

Guest
Guest
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

Healing from Infidelity podcasts shed so much light on the trauma aspects and affirmed me better than any of the 3 therapists I employed!!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

I’m convinced cheating is related to battering. It’s probably because I was a victims’ advocate and have that “hammer” so every form of intimate abuse looks like a DV nail. But the more you look into the association, the more it fits. From where I stand, the psychology of perpetrators, the tactics, the effects on victims all look virtually identical. Plus virtually all batterers cheat so it’s arguable that cheating is on a continuum with battering and could eventually lead to the latter in overt forms. That potentiality is something that can be intuited by victims and can induce terror and paralysis but, without proof in the form of bruises and broken bones, betrayal victims aren’t having this widely acknowledged and aren’t getting tailored support. Cheating certainly involves “coercive control” which is being increasingly categorize as a form of intimate partner violence. One little known concept is that most batterers operate on a beat-by-need basis, reserving the worst abuse for victims who have the resources to resist. This also suggests that the most effective psychological abusers never have to take their hands out of their pockets to completely destroy their victims.

The thing that concerns me is that it seems battering victims who get the most cutting edge support (which is a radical departure from the old victim-blamey therapeutic approach which presumed all victims were “psychologically deficient” and “drew” abuse to themselves on Voodoo tractor beams) often seem to recover from trauma more thoroughly than some victims of “mere” betrayal. I gather this is because traditionally trained victim-blamey therapists just hunted around for a new market to peddle their crappy, defunct, injurious wares and glommed onto “betrayal trauma” as an economic niche. That’s why I think it’s probably more beneficial for chumps to pursue resources related to domestic violence, batterer psychology, and PTSD recovery as it relates to DV, etc., instead– at least until the therapeutic arena catches up to the overlaps between battering and cheating. And believe me, DV survivors won’t mind or feel like their “victim turf” is being usurped. As DV researcher and author Evan Stark argues in his book “Coercive Control,” most domestic violence survivors report that it’s the psychological torture, manipulation and control that are the most devastating and paralyzing.

There are a lot of healing “aha” moments of recognition in reading books like DV researcher Donald Dutton’s “The Batterer,” the chapter on DV in founding psychotraumatologist Frank Ochberg’s “Post-traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Violence,” and the book “Coercive Control” by Stark. I haven’t had anything close to those kinds of explosive “aha” moments reading anything clinical or self-help-oriented related to cheating outside of CL and CN. Part of the mission of CL and CN has obviously been to expand the understanding of what cheating really involves so that there are eventually more tailored resources. But for now borrowing from DV literature and resources can’t hurt.

Hell-raiser Chump
Hell-raiser Chump
1 year ago

And you’re entirely right. Mine was largely a cheater and coercive controller, but he did resort to battering badly in the last 3 months (up to and including roofies followed by unwanted acts … I think; not entirely conscious for all of it). I was his wife and our children were one room away. But it wasn’t hitting, so the only use for my story would have been to establish “alienation” to show I couldn’t coparent. I choked it down and tap danced to the family court tune of “He may hit me but he’s a good dad!” as hard as I could to keep my kids.

And I send alll the DV and cheating survivors I send to the same resources (including chump lady). It’s not that different, once you get past the fear of being unalived for leaving. Our wounds are all shockingly similar.

Hell-raiser Chump
Hell-raiser Chump
1 year ago

I completely agree. Have you had any exposure to Don Hennessy’s books or talks? He’s a DV advocate in Ireland and until I found his work, none of this – not the DV and not the cheating- made sense to me. Centrality works, sure, but there’s so much other cruelty and twisting of the knife that isn’t needed for centrality (or that even works against it). Reading his “How He Gets Into Her Head” was the most eye-opening experience of my life. There it was – the explanation for all of it.

I can’t recommend his books enough if you’re a reader. Life changing.

CMC
CMC
1 year ago

I work in DV advocacy as well and I agree with this. The same behaviors that CN describes as classic FW shit – narcissim, DARVO, sad sausage/timid forest creature, ego kibbles, trickle truth are critical parts of the DV playbook as well. Oh, he hit her but she made him do it, poor sad sausage, he just has trauma from his FOO, well actually he beat her several times but TECHNICALLY only one time was his fault, etc. Batterers and FWs need kibbles, and will turn the rage, self pity and charm high if they don’t get their way. Batterers go an extra step with the rage and start being violent.

And you’re spot on about chumps needing DV support. The whole RIC is victim blamey as hell. Chumps are abuse victims who have in many cases been as insiduously abused as DV victims.

Itsallminenow
Itsallminenow
1 year ago

I think this is very true and tracks to the experience that many of us have had regarding cheating as abuse. The irony in my life is that the OW is a DV advocate and relatively high up in my state’s DV prevention organization. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

Hell-raiser Chump
Hell-raiser Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Itsallminenow

Mine also immediately started to date a DV advocate and hotline manager locally when I obtained a restraining order.

I would caution women in these roles to be aware of their value to these monsters. They’re likely to be weaponized against victims by the men who seek them out and claim romantic motives.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Itsallminenow

It wouldn’t really be cognitive dissonance if this OW worked in an institutional system that specializes in some form of victim-blaming which, unfortunately, is true of many state-run apparatuses. You could say that the system she works might have already bridged the dissonance for her so that she doesn’t have to experience any psychological discomfort for being a flaming hypocrite.

And to quote famous FW Jean Paul Sartre, “Everything is permitted the hero.” He was saying it of himself. In my experience, helping professions and advocacy attract only the best and the worst and little in between. Given typical abuser psychology of playing “rescuer” for the sake of image management, it’s not surprising that perpetrators of every stripe hide out in helping professions, some of which harbor the highest rates of batterers (psychologist, psychiatrist, policing, etc.). Because abusive people are the most aggressive operators in any system, they tend to spread toxicity until whatever system they’re tainting resembles themselves. That was my experience.

I worked for a grossly underfunded independent advocacy organization because the institutional system at the time stubbornly adhered to various victim-blaming approaches or what you might call “split blame” approaches to DV. Many people have tried to change this. Read veteran advocate Evan Stark’s “Coercive Control” or his book written with his wife Anne Flitcraft, “Women at Risk” for the long and shocking history of the “official view/approach” to victims. Traditionally it was assumed something had to be wrong with both parties in a dysfunctional relationship. At least that’s what the (often creepy) politicians and corporate sponsors controlling budget preferred to believe and the effect was a trickle down in terms of who would be appointed to important roles in the system and what those appointees would expound. If that system is like anything else in politics, I’m sure there’s a lot of literal or figurative lap dancing for advancement. Maybe even more than in other spheres because nothing draws hypocritical abusers more than issues related to “saving” victims from sexual abuse of power. Think of Ted Bundy aiding a university panel that was studying serial killers before he fell under suspicion.

Never mind that the split blame approach to DV has long been debunked, it lives on according to internal critics. For instance, take “misapplication of contingency”: First responders and helping professionals encounter victims in their worst states– confused, exhausted, frantic or numb. So it’s easy to assume that the state of the victims post-abuse explained how they ended up becoming victims in the first place regardless of who victims had been before abuse. Also it’s not like abusers are approaching services seeking help for being abusers so by default it was always victims falling under the microscope and being scrutinized. Who is most scrutinized in a dynamic implies– also by default– who is being viewed as “responsible.” It’s also expedient to blame victims “a bit” because it appears on the face of it that it’s the victims who are costing public resources. A bit of blame justifies underfunding. A bit of blame justifies siphoning off slated money for private gain. A bit of blame also keeps the public from caring that much and lobbying for an improved system which they would do if they understood all the ways in which DV damages society.

In any case, a lot of what the independent service I worked with did was detoxing survivors from their encounters with the official system. The most direct way to do that was to share with survivors the most cutting edge writing and theory on DV and let them decide for themselves. It was a process of “radicalization” in a way because part of healing was inviting survivors to become critical of the status quo and institutional policy and to become experts on their own experiences. The alternative service cranked out a lot of newly minted activists as a result. I saw one survivor I interfaced with on Nancy Grace kicking ass several years after she’d approached the service as a teen.

Institutional systems don’t seek to “radicalize” for obvious reasons. Some of the early shelters in the 70s did this and that trend was “discouraged” and shut down over time as shelters received public funding. At intake for state-run services, survivors would typically be asked why they felt they “deserved to be abused.” Forget about survivors arguing that this wasn’t the case in their situations– if you wanted help you had to hang your head and take your medicine. Heads of shelters, while hardworking and clearly traumatized themselves from being on the front lines were probably the least toxic individuals in the state-supported apparatus but mostly seemed to expound on the “psychological deficiency” approach to victims because that was the view at the top at the time and they didn’t want to lose their jobs. They could be quite cynical about why victims “went back,” never considering that improper triage might have a lot to do with it. Institutional systems are resistant to change and resist blaming themselves for failure so the failure to extract victims from abusive situations was automatically doubled back on victims. I think there’s also a name for blaming patients for therapeutic failure but I can’t remember it.

Back when I was involved, I think a lot of us wanted to believe in the myth of human progress and hoped that the new science and statistics and theories that were proving effective on the ground would naturally change the official approach. But I’m not sure how much progress there’s been since then other than fits, starts and backsliding. Evan Stark is still out there fighting to get coercive control statutes added to domestic violence protections. He and other advocates have had a degree of success but his decades of lobbying for better laws and policies are kind of a catalogue of frustration.

Depending on how toxic the network she works in may be, that OW might fit like a pea in a pod. That field abounds with “Mrs. Jellybys” (from Dickens’ Bleak House). I know Dickens was a FW himself but Mrs. Jellyby is still a classic archetype for those who enjoy patronizing “obscure little faraway victims” and taking power over people in dire circumstances for self gratification while ignoring the misery happening in front of them and the misery they cause in their personal lives. All in the spirit of “helping” (retch).

Speak and Teach and Learn
Speak and Teach and Learn
1 year ago

Articulate and insightful, notably from “First responders” on. And this doesn’t even touch on the actual abusers and their direct effect on their children, spouses, families and the interconnected web of relationships and thought processes or daily routines or their partners’ potential which never has a chance to materialize.

Chumped To The Nines
Chumped To The Nines
1 year ago

HOAC, thank you so much! Your insight is amazing. In my neck of the woods victim blamey therapists are rampant. Sadly, advocacy agencies and groups are looking at them for direction.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Looks like there’s a big gap to be filled in your area. Have you thought about joining forces with others and starting some kind of support network? These things can start small, humble and grass roots. Even starting a kind of discussion group or book club online which filters out the shitty cultural views and crappy clinical theories and offers links, titles and excerpts for the best and most advanced thinking on abuse can catch fire. You’d be amazed how fast something like this can snowball into a local movement. Offering summaries of authoritative alternatives to victim blaming is like offering tourniquets to people who just lost their arms in wood chippers.

And the people you meet doing this kind of thing is inspiring. It’s extraordinary how survivors may show up fresh from trauma appearing wild-eyed and wild haired and clinging to the walls and then, if offered truth in whatever form in a context where it’s safe to think for themselves, the same people who could barely utter a cohesive sentence at the start can quickly turn into eloquent advocates who will, say, make clinical explanations of the neurofeedback system involved with trauma comprehensible to newcomers.

Not everyone has the time or resources to be Harriet Tubman but it’s enriching and a tremendous learning experience to be involved with positive solutions on any level, especially when there are few resources to choose from and people are literally starving for it.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago

True. Not all my cheaters battered. But my batterer cheated.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

In the course of five years, I never met a DV survivor who hadn’t been cheated on. Thank God you got away.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

p.s. All this is to say that cheaters’ abiding need to victimize is a definite overlap with batterers. Another overlap is serial killers. Call it a spectrum.

Leftbehindlily
Leftbehindlily
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

Truer words were never posted!

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago

And the winner for the spookiest between the sheets scene goes to 50yr old JTL & 23yr old Suicidal Nanny Smoochie????????????????

Apparently, smoochie came downstairs in the middle of the night and insisted on sleeping in my bed because she was terrified to sleep upstairs after she saw a dark figure is code for “I only fucked her and left her hickies on the pool table….then I took her to the bedroom.”

Jesus, I’m so glad I’m out of that disaster! They are married now????

Letgo
Letgo
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

You might mention to him, in a joking sort of way, that she’s practicing embalming him when he kicks the bucket.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Letgo

That is hilarious! I’m strict no contact so he can figure that out on his own. I wouldn’t be surprised if he “mysteriously” dies. She is that messed up!

NCwithbrainless
NCwithbrainless
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

He’s definitely to the one eye open stage. ???? ????. Splendid!

Letgo
Letgo
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

Believe it or not that is a question that we all have about a friend of ours. They were three sisters that we know are sociopaths. Once this man became widowed one of the women went after him because he had money. He was in perfectly good health. Mysteriously he died and was cremated before any member of his family was notified. And she got all of his money

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

NOTE: Suicidal Nanny got her nick name for threatening to kill herself to keep him engaged after he tried to break it off. She even went as far as to cut herself and make other threats like killing me, harming his twins, killing him, etc. And, latest I heard she is now going to mortician school and got a job at a funeral home. She is very into death and all things dark/sinister????????. Glad she won the sparkly turd????.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

Wait, what? She was afraid of a “dark figure” but is working at a funeral home and studying to be a mortician? How does that work?

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Right!?!? I was thinking the same thing SerenityNow. One minute she would act like a child (I’m scared of the boogie man????) to gain his attention while the next minute she would throw glass all around the house and then cut herself when he would “come to his senses” and would try to break it off with her. He would see her crazy, try to leave, and she would act even more crazy…..the last time I talked to him he called her his family and he felt like it was duty to “save her” with God????. I insert eye roll because he was a massive narcissistic “God Fearing” Jesus cheater.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

SC, I smell borderline personality disorder, and the nose knows.

ExLifeLessons (ELL)
ExLifeLessons (ELL)
1 year ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

Southern: He deserves HER big time!! Hahaha

Jo
Jo
1 year ago

Any OWife/forever girlfriend who goes hard for her man about getting more custody to avoid child support gets so deep in the DARVO where it’s abundantly clear the Chump Mom has been triangulated to appear “cRAZY!” even though the cheater left her and the kids. (Aka the “Bitch Be Crazy Red Flag” CL has posted about here.) Look at their ACTIONS.

“My man’s high conflict babymama is the problem.???? He’d never do me like that because past behavior is never a predictor of what’s to come????” ????????????

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
1 year ago

“You won’t fold my underwear properly and you said you NEVER would!!!” so he bought a plane ticket to Miami, got on a cruise and spent a sex filled week with his old girlfriend for our 20th wedding anniversary. Poor guy.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago

Good riddance! What an asshole!

A. Friend
A. Friend
1 year ago

to be fair (hah) once they start “mansculpting” down there misplaced creases are probably debilitating. ????

Poet
Poet
1 year ago

Wow. Nice. No matter the actual shade of his skin, I think this guy deserves the name Tighty Whitey. What a disaster he is. Really feel bad for him.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
1 year ago

(((ChumpedToThe Max)))Your cheater has made the “finals” list.
I am certain CN will agree.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
1 year ago

When I found all the Victoria’s Secret stuff he order for Schmoopie (aka She’s Just a Friend), he looked down and said “Friends do this kind of thing for each other”.
Sorry FW, I did not know that friends give each other underwear. I have quote a few friends both male and female and never gave or got sexy underwear from them. WTF?????

Kaela
Kaela
1 year ago

Dude one of the things that tipped me off to my ex cheating were finding that he had a fresh pack of underwear. He never buys underwear. I always had to buy it for him when it was needed and I had bought it for him already recently so there was no reason for him to have more. When I confronted him he just said he thought to get some during a Walmart run. Which … He never went to Walmart by himself either.

So so many little things like that kept adding up. Then when he was finally in the thick of it, his mindfuck channel was 99% tuned in to Sad Sausage, Woe is Me, I’m Sorry, sad puppy eyes so he could appeal to my empathy and weasel out of consequences.

The other 1% were the occasional glimpse of his true thoughts and feelings, such as, “why did you kick me out of the friend group chat?! I thought we would handle it privately and you’d let me lurk!” and how his trickle truth escalated from his insistence from, “I only touched her a little bit, we didn’t ACTUALLY fuck” to her giving me all the graphic, grisly details of all the ways he enjoyed touching very, very much of her.

I am struggling to think of examples of him strongly and openly DARVO’ing me, probably because he knew I would see through it and wouldn’t allow him to speak to me that way. Partially because he knows he fucked up and it’s bullshit. But I know, in that little head of his, he was doing all the necessary mental gymnastics necessary to justify his behavior, convince himself he was right, that I was somehow a bad wife who deserved all the psychological torture he put me through. If he believed otherwise, he never would have hurt me in the first place.

Whatever helps him sleep at night.

Southerndiddlyumptious
Southerndiddlyumptious
1 year ago

Mine bought stuff at Victoria’s Secret too for his whore! I found the purchases on a credit card statement, which he had statements emailed to his email account, so I never saw a paper copy of anything. He forgot that he gave me the password a year prior, in an emergency situation. When I discovered mysterious phone calls and texts on the phone statement, (which he also thought I didn’t have access to), I checked that same credit card. On there was a hotel charge and Victoria’s Secret and Bath and Body Works. For a Victoria’s Secret, the credit card charge description said, “Women’s Clothing.” That was enough for me and I knew he hadn’t given me anything from VS. When I asked him about the charges, he claimed the purchase was perfume, for her, but that he never bought clothing. All for a friend who lived out of state that he kept going to visit
They all lie and gaslight. The gaslighting nearly killed me, it is the worst part.

It helps my sanity to read other stories and know others got told the same things and that I wasn’t crazy.

Marianne
Marianne
1 year ago

Right? The only non spouse I gift anything remotely resembling intmate wear is my sister, and that consists of flannel pjs with wine themes. (She’s a wine lover).

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

From his “goodbye” letter to me, drafted while I slept after a day of skiing together with our kids and the night before he manipulated me into sending the kids off for the day so I’d be alone by telling me he’d crunched the numbers and we were ready to buy our dream home so we needed to sit down together to work out our plan. He is very very very sad. And will now be very very happy. As will I. And our children. Because he is happy. I think this is perhaps less DARVO than just an abdication of his VERY ACTIVE role in destroying our marriage.

“I have basically been very sad and very unhappy over the past two or three years. And this sadness and unhappiness then grew because of the realization that I will not grow old with you. That our family unit will not remain intact. That I would break my promise to be with you until death do us part. That you will not be able to count on me in the same way that you once could.

I did not consciously go looking for new love after I fell out of love with you. (This will surely provide very little or no consolidation to you given the circumstances, but I wish to tell you that I never cheated on you or tried to cheat on you before AP. You are married to a cheater, I’m afraid, but not some sort of serial cheater the stories about whom will come out of the woodwork in the weeks to come. Pre-2015 FW never cheated on you or on any other woman. Though this is clearly but a historical footnote now.) But I suppose that my mind and heart were unconsciously open to new love and affection. And then it happened. My first reaction – and hers – was to recoil. “How could I even explore this?”, was certainly my first thought. But as I thought about it more, and thought about my unhappiness and my sadness, it became, in my mind, the only option. My only option for current and future happiness was this. I fell in love. I wanted and want to be happy. I wanted my relationship unhappiness to end. I contemplated me being on my deathbed reflecting back on me having passed up this love, and the thought utterly crushed me.

I believe that we splitting up will, in the long run, make both of us much happier. I’m aware of how convenient for me such a statement is. But as much as I am trying to find my own happiness, I know that you deserve to be happy at least as much as I do. You deserve to be with someone who is madly in love with you, or at least to not be stuck with someone who is not. I want you to be happy.

You may ask how I can do this to our sons. I know that in our parents’ day (or certainly our grandparents’ day), most people in my position would simply suck it up and forge ahead in an unhappy marriage. For better or for worse meant exactly that. But, ignoring my own happiness or lack thereof, would that really assure your happiness? And the boys’ happiness? As my growing sadness causes our relationship to disintegrate further in front of your eyes and theirs together with all of the consequences of that?”

Getting There
Getting There
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Christ what a complete arsehole.

Itsallminenow
Itsallminenow
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Wow–the same playbook. Mine had such terrible sadness about blowing our family apart and only the OW could console. “I was crying with her, you know. A lot. It wasn’t the way you imagine it”.

Right. Asshole.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Itsallminenow

Tears as foreplay? On a site that shares “red flags” for dangerous partners, up near the top were people who are turned on by crying.

FYI
FYI
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Wait, so he DID cheat on you before the twu luv? Are those the stories that came out of the woodwork?

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  FYI

I have never heard or seen evidence that he cheated before the intern-AP. However, I do know of at least three instances in which he’s used his power/position to threaten the careers of women just for fun – a colleague of his, our son’s lawyer (long story) and a mutual acquaintance he helped find a job then undermined.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

It sounds like he was batting out at a high rate before finally finding anyone willing to do him. I don’t know why it’s not better understood that cheaters are mostly losers (and sore ones if you look at harassment stats). Because cheaters are never honest, we can only guess how often they set their sights on a target, delusionally set the stage for an imagined affair, send out feelers and signals only to be rebuffed. It would probably improve our faith in humanity to know how many “nos” these idiots get before finally getting a drunken “yes” from some fellow loser.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  FYI

Who knows? I have no evidence he did. He was saying in the letter that he never cheated before AP but is admitting that he is now (hanging head in faux-shame) a cheater. He became a cheater for twu luv — and to set me free from the shackles of our unhappy marriage apparently. He refers to 2015 because that’s when his affair started. He blew up our marriage in January 2016 with this letter, so it’s been a while. I could not have posted his smarmy, delusional word salad back then. I was too ashamed. (Sorry if the timing was confusing.)

Little Wing
Little Wing
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

ohhhh – his “sad letter” is causing me to create a UBT (universal bullshit translator) in my head.

I am so sorry that you were married to this despicable coward.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Holy batshit crazy! This one is delusional. I need a shower after reading that.

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
1 year ago

A shower in bleach. GROSS.

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Oh my, my x and yours read the same script. I heard almost word for word exactly that. “You deserve to be as happy, excited, and wanted as I am (of his relationship with a hooker)”.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

MaisyL–

Lemme guess…five minutes before he met Schmoops, he’d declared his undying love for you and talked about being the luckiest man alive, right?

Just in case you didn’t find out the real story, here’s how it works: If they go out of their way to depict the AP as somehow highly moral and reluctant to cheat, it means she went commando to the office Christmas party, sent him crotch pix and humps coworkers in parking lots. The whole letter is basically like when toxic corporations build playgrounds over their own dumpsites. Ignore the smell! Ignore the cancer cluster! Look at the merry-go-round and wilting magnolias!

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

Hell of a Chump – you’re clairvoyant! Not long before he shagged AP for the first time (in the Presidential Suite at a high end hotel in our city – and did I mention she was his intern and engaged to her high school sweetheart at the time?), I threw him a blow-out 40th birthday party. He gave a speech at his party thanking me for being the love of his life, his rock and his inspiration. He was clearly terribly terribly unhappy in our marriage. Poor guy.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Klootzak was a military officer. Two months after giving a speech at his promotion ceremony about how lucky he was to have me, I made him the success he is, etc. I had to fly to another state for a conference. He flew a schmoopie in from out of state to spend the week with him vacationing while I was working.

He rarely tried to justify his behavior to me because he knew I’d call bullshit.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

It’s not clairvoyance lol. It’s that they’re really all the same. That’s true of every stripe of abuser– all pretty same, gray and unoriginal when you boil it down to brass tacks (background, psychology, tactics, drives, patterns, etc.). Meanwhile survivors statistically come from all walks.

dmartinigirl
dmartinigirl
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

CB posted a picture of me on Twitter that said “the only queen I’ll ever bend a knee to”. He left a month later. Performative BS.

Duped for Years
Duped for Years
1 year ago
Reply to  dmartinigirl

My ex posted a lovely picture of me on Facebook at Christmas saying, “I’m a lucky guy!” Not even two months later he left for his 21 years younger coworker. Performative BS indeed!

Poet
Poet
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Funny how their “only option” is always to hide what they’re doing forever or wait to fess up until it’s convenient for their happiness. There’s just no other approach anyone could ever come up with!

So sorry you went through that.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Oh boy. What self serving crap. CL should UBT that, but maybe there isn’t enough lebkuchen in the world! Your ex’s letter made me want to puke. I hope his dick falls off and his whore gets leprosy. ????????

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

You’re probably right – it’s three single-spaced pages long!

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

OMG, just, OMG.
Did you think you were being punked? Dumbest BS ever!

BigCityChump
BigCityChump
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

This needs UBT treatment! Gah!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

“ I want you to be happy”
He put YOU and your precious children first. ????
He must have had to drink a lot of kool aid to get all this garbage out.
( you can’t make this sh~t up).
So sorry for all you have had to endure.
YOU are Mighty❤️

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Blimey!

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Blimey is right. I only wish FW were as concise as you, MightyWarrior. Unfortunately, he’s still the same blowhard he was back then.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Do we have the same ex? Talk about sad sausage, poor me minimising and excuse making. Honestly even the words are so similar to what I heard it’s uncanny.

Lollie
Lollie
1 year ago

He said, “Do you think it made me happy? No, I stopped seeing colors!” He was crying while he said that.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

Lollie, I think your cheater deserves the Bronze weenie. After all, he stopped seeing colors!

All the sad sausage I got was that I didn’t appreciate the hard work he put into raising our sons while I was working in another state (said sons were in their 20s when this happened)

Poet
Poet
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

That’s because, sad sausage, when you cheat, you become a dog. (With apologies to real dogs.)
https://www.purina.com/articles/dog/facts/can-dogs-see-color

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

Dogs deserve to see in color.

Cheaters don’t.

Freed
Freed
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

????????????

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

Lollie,
He was certainly blind to more than colours!????

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

I see the plot for a Hallmark Channel movie. They are all the same, these over-sensitive timid forest creatures as ChumpLady would say. Why are they all so similar?

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago

Let’s hope someday they can find the gene sequence for fuckwitism & spare future generations of chumps.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  Lollie

LOL! What does that even mean? What a loser.

paula
paula
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

MaisyL – exactly! Such a puzzling yet self serving declaration!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
1 year ago

From the fuckwit “after” we had finalized and sign divorce. I got the house, he had six years to get stuff he wanted.

Spoonriver,
I heard from my attorney that we are ready to finalize the divorce decree. I’m sure we could argue back and forth about the exact value to use for assets and liabilities being divided, but there’s no point. I recognize that doing so would be emotionally and financially damaging to both of us. There’s been far too much of that, and I’m not willing for either of us to pay the cost any longer. I’m glad it works out that you can keep the house, and I think that’s the best thing for our children and grandchildren as well.

In one of my recent conversations with my attorney, I discussed personal or household items that I would still like to divide. Rather than creating any delay in signing the divorce agreement or getting attorneys involved, I hope that we can work it out between us pretty easily. If you agree, I can give you a list of things that have crossed my mind and we can go from there.

I did not reply.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Ex was dumb enough while our attorneys were negotiating Marriage Settlement Agreement to list things he wanted and added to list “and anything else that’s husband’s……”
I said definitely not comfortable with that, my attorney took it out. Ex was too much of a coward to come get his stuff, so I got rid of a lot of his junk when the moving truck finally showed up.They were in a 1 bedroom, I’m sure it went straight to dumpster especially anything that reminded the 30 year old that he at 63 had had a life.

Duped for Years
Duped for Years
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

THAT explains why my ex took nothing of his with him. The 29 year old would not want to see his life of stuff! I never thought about that until you mentioned it Sandyfeet! Wow! It make such sense. My ex bought everything new! Took nothing of our life together. Now I get it…

Apidae
Apidae
1 year ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

“Won’t you pay attention to me? Btw please don’t tell your lawyer.” What a prize.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago

1. I used to go out and drive and sit in the car park and cry as I was so unhappy and couldn’t believe what out relationship had become (previously never mentioned.
2. You should be lucky it’s ending this way (this was pre me knowing there was an affair), you don’t know what I would. have done if it hadn’t but I have been like a caged animal waiting to lash out but it would have been pretty and it would not have ended nicely like this (er, is this ending things nicely?)
3. My friends have been really worried about me. Me: What friends? Ex: I don’t have any. Me: Oh is that my fault too?
4. If you knew me you’d know would know that this is the kind of thing I would do (upon the elevation that he’d been in ‘proper’ therapy as opposed to counselling where you look deep inside yourself and unlock your big head it seems). Never mentioned it ever even though apparently I need therapy. Who recommended the therapist? A ‘friend’? Oh I need therapy because ‘It’s time you took a good hard look at yourself’.
5. I need someone that nourishes my soul.
6. In response to asking if he discussed our relationship with who turned out to be the AP? Why don’t you let me have any friends? (spoiler alert, he doesn’t have many friends)/ Why are you always like this? She is my work colleague and she has a boyfriend actually (all lies)
7. When confronting him after he’d been away and I’d been through his office and found a few gems by reading him a shite poem he’d written to her and asking him who he took to v. expensive restaurant in London after telling me it was with a client…….. Tears and more tears, more denial, I am horrible. However, about 10 minutes after this spectacular sad sausage show both their social media platforms went private (how strange) and he posted a weird meme thing on Pinterest of all things saying ‘I used to love you but now I am just sad and don’t know you’ or something so pathetic. When I said to him what on earth are you doing, am I supposed to read this and acknowledge it or do you want to say something to me, can you just grow the off up. He took it down and denied it every happened.

I could go on and on and on but that’s enough. Bear in mind this was within days/weeks of burying my dad. May that fucker burn in hell.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago

The whole “you should feel lucky it’s ending this way” is a threat. It means he thought about killing you instead. Please protect yourself. Don’t ever be alone with him or let him into your home.

LookingForwardstoTuesday
LookingForwardstoTuesday
1 year ago

Perhaps not the outright winner, but I’d suggest a “highly commended” for Ex-Mrs LFTT and her statement to our 3 children ….. “It’s not fair that you won’t have anything to do with AP. Your rejection of him is putting my relationship with him under pressure, and if we break up it will be your fault.”

The kids’ response (they would have been about 19, 17 and 12 at that point) was pitch perfect …. “Mum, your relationship with AP is your problem, not ours.”

In terms of prizes, for her, the worlds smallest violin and for the kids, a shiny set of boundaries.

LFFT

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
1 year ago

Wow, blaming the kids for the problems in her affair is next level FW behavior. She wins the prize. Can she be a sad sausage though if she doesn’t have a sausage? How about tearful taco?

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  MollyWobbles

Tearful taco!!! bwahahahaha Soggy taco? hahaha

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

My XW’s AP’s want nothing to do with her. Just used her for her pussy.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

And citizenship.

ExLifeLessons (‘ELL)
ExLifeLessons (‘ELL)
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Sir…Ah he got a two-fer! Sucks for her to be used! Not.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

Pure. Evil.

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago

I almost spit my coffee. I would have loved to be there.

BigCityChump
BigCityChump
1 year ago

Why WHY do these FWs insist the kids have a relationship with the APs???!!! My FW is with his AP who is a 25 year friend of mine, who ate Sunday family dinner with us for years. Over the years she SHOWERED my kids with gifts. When I found out and brought up this sick gift giving FW said she bought those presents bc she loves them. Uh huh. Great insight ya got there FW…. Now every Xmas and her Bday he gets anxious and insists the kids have a present for AP bc it will hurt her feelings in they don’t. Needless to say my kids who call her the step c@$t, have a contest if who can buy the stupidest item or make the crappiest craft. They show me with glee.

Onward & Upward
Onward & Upward
1 year ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

I literally sprayed coffee at the term stepc**t ???????? your kids are awesome! Team BigCityChump!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

This is definitely a common theme. Tracey, you might want to do a post on this —“forcing the kids to love/care for/respect the homewrecker. And rage when they refuse.” Of course, the cheater apologists always blame the chump, crying “alienation!” …. No, fuckers, they hate AP all on their own for what AP did/does… no stories I could tell would come close to causing the hurt and revulsion that kids feel towards APs because of AP’s behavior. ????‍♀️????

Sickening manipulation and image management.

LookingForwardstoTuesday
LookingForwardstoTuesday
1 year ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

BCC,

I suspect that the FWs insist on the kids having a relationship with the AP as a means of “normalising” what they’ve done, and – of course – it all plays into their BS claim that what they did wasn’t all that bad.

LFTT

PS – I like your kids’ coping strategy!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago

Immediately after I discovered the affair: ‘I know you think I’m a complete bastard, but I do care’. I did not think he was a ‘complete bastard’ because that implies the existence of a personality or something more colourful than this tedious, pompous, dull, pipsqueak of a man had in his toolbox! I had decided at the point at which I read his ‘yearnings’ to his soulmate written 4 days before my Dad’s funeral that he was a shameless, cowardly, pathetic little creep and that she deserved him. But why educate your enemies? I merely told him that I didn’t think he was a complete bastard, leaving him to infer what he wished. He was unfit to scrape the soil off the bottom of my shoes let alone share my bed. I’m so glad he’s gone.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Ah yes I got given a hug that was ‘Gratitude for all the things I had done for this family’ and told ‘Love never dies’. I think mind did mate, pretty stone dead cold. My friends always say the fact that he could stand next to me in that church when I was burying my dad and be there knowing exactly what he was about to do. It says it makes them shudder. Then he probably thinks he’s a ‘good guy’ for waiting until he died. I’m with you MightyWarrior.

Ishtar
Ishtar
1 year ago

Mine like many found his twu luv while my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer. Exfw iniitially lied, gaslighting etc making me think I was imagining things. He then promised my dying dad that he would always take care of me. My dad said while exfw may not be perfect ( functional alcoholic) at least he really loved me.
Discard came 5w after my dad died – still denying affair. They are now married.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago
Reply to  Ishtar

Ugh! I feel for you Ishtar.

Dudders, I have often thought how did he watch my Dad’s coffin going into that grave knowing what he had done and was about to do to me.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

All I think is that on some level they must have realised how shit it was of them, but he had convinced himself we were ‘wrong’ together. That said deep down I know he will be more than aware of what he did, the little sensitive soul and one of the reasons they hate us so much is that they know that we know. We are a mirror to their true behaviour.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago

“‘Gratitude for all the things I had done for this family…’”
Don’t you love the way their words drip with condescension, as if they are the ones entitled to pronounce on your behavior? A man who blows up his family has not earned the right to give you praise (or blame).

MehAllDay
MehAllDay
1 year ago

In therapy when I mentioned that he had cheated before and I was worried he was doing it again (warning ladies, they don’t stop) my ex swore he wasn’t cheating and then stood up, threw his arms up in the sky and said “I can’t help it if I’m a fucking chick magnet, I don’t try to cheat, they come after me, I should join the Me Too movement.” Yep! For real. The therapist was gob-smacked!

Who’s the real victim? My poor ex. So many more DARVO moments.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  MehAllDay

He can’t help it! How horrible it must be for him with skanks throwing themselves at him. Oh, the suffering. How could he dent them his wonderfulness? LOL This one gets a prize.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago

Dent = deny ????

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  MehAllDay

Mine said something similar. It’s not his fault so many women want him and no men want me. He doesn’t understand that I chose not to cheat and had plenty of opportunity. In his mind the only reason a person wouldn’t cheat is because no one wants them. It was great insight into how screwed up his mind is.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig
Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  MehAllDay

It sort of dawned on me after D-Day that affairs and the vanity of cheaters might have a lot to do with same-sex competition. One realization that brought me closer to “meh” was understanding how jealous and hostile FW had always been towards other men whom he perceived as younger, better looking, stronger, etc. I’d previously taken his mockery of narcissistic behavior in other men as a sign he wasn’t like that, not realizing he was just displacing or externalizing his own flaws onto others. It was also distracting that he’d hang out with younger, better-looking men as if those traits would rub off. It seems strange that someone would hang out with people they feel hostility towards but I guess it’s no stranger than marrying someone you secretly want to hurt. In any case, his behavior around men like this was always weird. He’d become loud and stiffly “jocular” and it seemed aggressive. FW was typically covert about his narcissism but after D-Day I started reviewing his behavior in a clearer light. I realized he was catty. It made him seem sniveling, petty and unattractive.

I missed one red flag when his narcissism started becoming less covert. Right before he launched into the affair, he told me about a conversation he had on the “difficulty of being so handsome” with a male work friend who’s ten years younger than him, looks like a 6 ft Ivy League Ken doll. It was so obvious that FW had incited the friend to humble-brag so that FW could insert himself into the same category. Mistakenly thinking he’d see the humor of it, I burst out laughing and said he should start a #MeTooHandsome movement.

He pretended to be a good sport about it but during the DARVO stage of the affair, he wouldn’t specify exactly how I was “always putting him down” when I asked for examples. I’d always been supportive so I was stumped. Later it became clear his sole ground for the accusation was that that I’d laughed at him for his embarrassing ego-kibble-fishing. After D-Day he admitted the AP was always gushing over how handsome he was and how young he looked for his age even as he was bloating up, rapidly aging and losing his hair from all the binge drinking they did during the affair.

Also after D-Day I learned FW had a chronic history of pursuing partnered and married targets that went back to his teens. There isn’t a lot of research on same-sex competitiveness in cheaters but there are quite a few studies regarding mate-poachers and “intrasexual aggression.” I’m guessing it’s probably true of both cheaters and poachers. #EnvyGremlins.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
1 year ago

Pathological envy is one possible symptom of narcissism. According to the “Stalking the Soul” book, this kind of envy is why Iago destroyed Othello, or why Cain killed Abel.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

Covert envy is pretty hard to detect. My impression is that covert narcissists see envy and sexual jealousy as things only lesser beings suffer from and so they deny or project/displace the feelings onto other people. Displacing can involve triggering those feelings in a partner as punishment (a potential drive for cheating). According to a leading DV expert, it’s the masking of these impulses that makes some abusers particularly prone to explode in rage and become dangerous.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago

Interesting thought. Klootzak is very short and has some embarrassing features. The kinds of things kids pick on. I always felt he had a bit if a Napoleon complex, like he felt he had to prove he was manly. Having “scored” with a high number of women certainly feeds that ego. He always had to be better than everyone else. Well… let the APs have him and his little mushroom.

FYI
FYI
1 year ago

“… he should start a #MeTooHandsome movement.”
Hilarious!

Falling Forward
Falling Forward
1 year ago

LOL #metoohandsome Oh man, that one takes the cake, well done!!! AWARD: best humor writer in a FW story

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago
Reply to  MehAllDay

My XW used as one of the excuses for cheating on me, “you had women who wanted you and I wanted that also. I wanted men to desire me.” Not that I consider myself super good looking but I had women who would flat out ask me to have affairs with them but I NEVER cheated on her. You can resist that if your morals are strong ????.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
1 year ago

“I don’t know what love is.”
My vote for the trophy idea would be an ornate music box that when you open it, a flaccid penis turns on a spindle to the song ‘Send in the Clowns’.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago

I am totally laughing out loud here. I’m laughing as much as I did when I tried to watch the infamous Ruby belly dancing video and – I shit you not – my phone crashed.

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
1 year ago

Hahaha!!! I literally just laughed out loud!! ????????????

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago

He told me he didn’t think he knew how to love. I glazed over that at the time, thinking it was self-deprecating/crisis mind talking, but it turned out to be pretty damn true.

Good trophy idea. I mean, when you spend all your hard-ons on porn and hookers…

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Lol. Now I’m envisioning the self-pitying she-cheaters trophy. Brain bleach please.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

Or to the sound of “I gotta be free”

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Divine, I think you have just designed the ultimate Faberge egg.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago

I would totally pay to see that in a Faberge exhibition, regardless of Russian sabre rattling.

Pink Flamingo
Pink Flamingo
1 year ago

Right after d day, I read a sad sausage message from ow to fw complaining that they couldn’t break up because they’ve traveled so many places together and all those locations will be ruined for her. Uh hello dumbass he’s married with children, but yes you are the real victim here. We are divorced now and she can have him. Good luck with that!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

I didn’t get a true DARVO moment directly, just adjacent. So I’ll give FW and AP a runner up award — made of cheap plaster. And there’s no way I’m wearing stilettos to the awards ceremony — I’ll stick with my comfy Rothys flats.

When FW left, I didn’t have much of an explanation other than that he loved co-worker schmoopie and didn’t love me…. And walked out and moved right in with her.

But I got snippets in gaslighting DARVO fashion. Through emails and texts that I got access to well after DDAY…. Clearly I’m “crazy.” I “see a therapist.” FW and AP had an exchange where he told her I “never wanted children” and “didn’t want our son.” But also read in Discovery that I fought over custody because I “can’t be away from our son.” And when FW took son out early on and wasn’t letting him respond to the set phone call, I found out they had left the state and I reached out to schmoopie to reach him. Her response was that I’m crazy and she’s “not my friend.” FFS So clearly he had her believing that I’m unstable while he played gaslighting mind games.

Then there’s the flying monkey in-laws who told all the family that I kicked out FW and was so cruel and poor FW was taken in by kind co-worker… and then they fell in love.

Does that qualify? Oops… dropped the plaster award —- pieces everywhere. I’m going to put my slippers on now and get some tea

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago

Ex told his friends that I said I wished our daughter was not born — a lie taken out of context for his benefit. What I *did* say, in the middle of a sea of anguish when I was making the mistake of still talking to that asshat, was that it would have been so much easier to deal with this if we didn’t have children. FW magicians — pulling bullshit rabbits out of magic hats for image management illusions!

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Ex is a master of twisting words, taking them out of context for his benefit. Then when I’d try to explain what I actually did say, ex and his flying monkeys would be concerned for my mental well being. It was a vicious circle. So many half truths and exaggerations to make me look like I was crazy while portraying himself as the sad sausage victim.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Chump On It,
You don’t need to explain yourself. FWs are lying liars that lie. They love to twist our words to make us doubt ourselves… or just make shit up and put it out as facts. They are asshats for sure

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Triangulation has many purposes, one of which is that disordered liars and character assassins need to repeat lies to a nodding audience often in order to fully invest and believe in the lies themselves. It’s a kind of criminal “self talk” that’s clinically known as “neutralization.”

In any event I suspect a lot of affair-DARVO is just a matter of FWs saying to chumps’ faces what they’ve already said behind chumps’ backs to APs or flying monkeys in order to justify cheating. Many cheaters eventually repeat these things to the chump as if doing so puts a seal on the fabrications and makes them true. I think you can tell how often the cheater has repeated the charges prior to unleashing them on the chump because, each time a cheater “rehearses” the false claims and weaves in more lies to an approving audience, the less and less the lies resemble reality. If the chump responds to the DARVO attack by staring back in silent horror– as many people would when hearing such bizarre fabrications– the silence is then hijacked as agreement. Or else the cheater will hurl the accusations and then scurry out of the room wailing with their fingers in their ears to avoid hearing the response.

So I think you got the first stage of the cheater prevarication ritual but not the follow through. It probably reflects the fact that the AP in your situation was a super enthusiastic audience for the bs. You might have been all they ever talked about if he was so satisfied with the AP’s enabling that he didn’t take the classic next step of spewing the nonsense to your face. It also suggests that relationship can’t sustain without triangulation. They have nothing to share other than attacking the same victim. Without a fresh victim, they’ll start attacking each other.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

“So I think you got the first stage of the cheater prevarication ritual but not the follow through. It probably reflects the fact that the AP in your situation was a super enthusiastic audience for the bs. You might have been all they ever talked about if he was so satisfied with the AP’s enabling that he didn’t take the classic next step of spewing the nonsense to your face. It also suggests that relationship can’t sustain without triangulation. They have nothing to share other than attacking the same victim. Without a fresh victim, they’ll start attacking each other.”

YUP. EX FW and AP bonded over their shared “unhappy” marriages. In spite of the fact that she knew me (we were coworker, our kids played together, she’d been to my house many times) and I had never been unkind to her, she believed every lie FW told her about me, and she turned around and started attacking/abusing me as well, and goading him during the divorce proceedings. She was paranoid (with good reason I suppose) and started accusing me (through FW’s discovery, etc.) of copying her. Which was hilarious because she was morphing into a version of *me* (I wasn’t the only one who noticed) by blatantly copying me.

It took awhile because I was smoking the hopium, but I finally stepped out of their nasty little triangle, refusing to engage with him, and moved on with my own life, and their relationship (so perfect! so happy!) imploded.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

Hell of a Chump, from your mouth to G-d’s ears. They are still together but it seems FW is hardly ever at the house with AP. They’ve been “together” 7 years now… but he’s on travel during the week… and then often on the weekends too. They can stay together (meh) but it’s still nice schadenfreude to think that they attack each other when they’re together ????

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Imagine in twenty years when they’re both toothless, retired and muttering dementedly at each other from layered years of rage and rancor.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago

“told all the family that I kicked out FW and was so cruel and poor FW was taken in by kind co-worker… and then they fell in love”

This narrative was the goal and I didnt go along with it

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
1 year ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

That was exactly what my FW told everyone! He was very taken aback when our 20 year old daughter (always his favourite golden child) said ‘No Dad. It didn’t happen like that. I was there, remember?’

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

KnittedRobin, our 9 year old son said the same to FW! “That’s not what happened — I was there!” FW was trying real hard to gaslight his kid.

At only 9 years old, that sweet little boy had to grow up fast. He had to learn what gaslighting was. And he learned his dad was a cowardly liar.

My most important lesson for him was when he said that his dad told him that FW and I always fought and didn’t get along. Son said to me “that’s not how I remember it at all.” He said “you can hear everything in this house. You guys didn’t fight. That only happened in the last couple of months (when FW started his affair of course and was picking fights).” I asked him “what do YOU remember? Always trust yourself and your memory. And always feel free to ask me. Because I remember it the way you do. We were both there together.”

Josh
Josh
1 year ago

“Aren’t you glad I want to divorce you because I want to engage in physical affairs?” “Why would you want to stay married to someone like me?” After an emotional affair and engaging in one few weeks into separation.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago
Reply to  Josh

“I am actually the best for leaving you” — utterly delusional. Even if she didn’t physically cheat, it’s still a devastating blow. They just can’t look like they delivered it, because that would take them down a few pegs and they might have to sit with the idea that they are not a wonderful person. Ugh, the sugar coating…

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago

Fraudesco, then nearing a65, sent over $40K to the under 30 “woman” he met online, a catfisher running a romance scam. II found the evidence in 1000 pages of emails he sent her with photos of the gift cards and codes to redeem them, discussions about the credit card he got in her name and paid for, printouts of the bank transfers he sent her, receipts from $7k he sent via Western Union, etc., and the listing of the apartment he picked out for them, his invitation for her to move in, plans to buy her a business, have a baby, etc. and his befuddlement why he couldn’t understand “her” in their only phone call, and his comment that she “sounded like a man.” As soon as I discovered this, via the apartment listing and his email asking her if she could move in with him in the next few days, both left open on the computer in our bedroom, it took me about five minutes to search and prove to him the photos belonged to a hooker in Columbia. No idea if he was communicating with her or not. Tried MC til I discovered he had only given me trickle truth, he got violent with me and tween grandson I was raising, grandson called for help, he left, I filed. Discovered he’d stolen most of my own money, including settlement for on the job injury, while I was nearly severely disabled by a brain injury, and it was past the statute of limitations. Also learned he’d been draining marital assets for years.

Over the next two and a half years, he found a woman he introduced to friends and posted online as his “life partner,” and when that fell through, he love-bombed another under-30 (he’s 66), and within a week he introduced her by phone to our young kiddo as his new mom. She dumped him soon after. Somewhere in between, there was another woman and her 15 year old daughter. It sounds like he pursued both. Discovered he’d been abusing our kiddo and that he was threatening him repeatedly in secret phone calls.

Finally got divorced. Got full custody, NO visitation or contact because his abuse towards kiddo was so bad. His health declines. He called and wrote friends about how he died on the table anywhere from one to six times. Called our kiddo on a burner phone to say that God came to him, forgave him, and God said that kiddo must forgive him too. Refused to give back money he stole from kiddo’s bank accounts against court orders, or the inheritance he denied kiddo received. (Fraudster took the checks.) Never found all the money he’d stolen from me, my successful civil settlement, my business.

I’ve been NC throughout. Last week he called me on a burner phone, told me how awful it is that he’s now in assisted living, and told me, “I had no woman. There was no other woman. It was all in my mind.”

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

He sounds like that delusional old loser who was on Dr. Phil and made a total ass of himself because he was getting catfished by young women. If you haven’t seen it, you might want to look it up. I wish I could remember the name… Dennis? I don’t know. I felt bad for his wife because he blew through a lot of money but I was happy she was divorcing him and could finally see what a loser he was.

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I looked for it but didn’t find it. Found some others, though.
He used to watch the show “CAtfish” every week and laughed at the victims, sneered about how stupid they were to be taken in.
At the same time he was being catfished.
What a moron.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

What a nutjob! I hope your son is doing ok. And you must be much better with this idiot safely tucked in the facility!

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

The mind-blower in my case was when Traitor X attempted to claim that He Was Hurt Too!

……to our daughter, who promptly took aim and shot him out of the sky like an Olympic skeet shooter bagging the gold medal.

In the final session with Dr. Kickass Co-parent, where he had to face her and confess to the lies he told her, Little Hammer was praised by Dr. Co-parent for being direct, clear, honest, not sugarcoating, and kind. Yes, the fifteen year old child in the situation, as opposed to the fifty seven year old (chronologically) adult parent.

That day it was also clear which parent’s modeling she copied……

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Traitor X, who cheated and lied and hid money and intentionally neglected/destroyed our marriage and our family, and basically ghosted our daughter, with the assistance of the cockroach he shopped for on Craigslist (his “sole mate”!), in one of our last sessions with Dr. Kickass Co-parent said, “ I feel like I’m being cut out!” Both Dr. Co-parent and I raised our eyebrows sky high at the same time and I said, “You LEFT, remember?”

He left at the beginning of 2018, and this stunningly obtuse utterance came in at the end of 2021….

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

“I feel like I’m being cut out!” … I said, “You LEFT, remember?”

x made a similar claim, adding that “Spinach is sitting pretty, and she got everything.”

What the everliving fuck!

I’m sure he still feels this way. Doesn’t get it. Never will. And perhaps were he to tell his kids that he’s sorry and that they must be experiencing pain as well, they might agree to some kind of relationship with him. But he doesn’t seem capable of empathy.

Note: His mom just died. He didn’t tell his kids. Only me. And the email was a succinct, “My mom died earlier today.” The kids were astonished that he didn’t tell him. One daughter wrote a text to him expressing her condolences. He didn’t respond. WTF

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

FW got SO ANGRY that I ended up doing better financially than he did. Even though he had schmoopie paying for half his life, he was completely broke (and he made more than I did; she made about the same as me). He was even more furious that I refused to help him financially. He also gave me the “you got what you wanted” (really?) and said I was out to destroy HIM. Never mind he blew up our family for his twu wuv. He couldn’t believe that I was successful and constantly accused me of taking money from other people. Truth was, he was draining schmoopie’s savings. I was doing everything on my own. I’m just better with money than he was, and I no longer had him spending what I earned. I had gotten a second job to help pay for the divorce, and he was resentful that he didn’t get any of that money. I told him he was free to get another job, and he was like “when am I supposed to do that?”. He didn’t like when I told him that he had just as many days/evenings free as I did, due to our shared custody arrangement. But that would have involved him giving up “his” time, and giving up some of the things he did purely for his ego/image management (like charity work).

He’s dead, but I can just imagine how mad he would be that I just took a vacation overseas.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

*didn’t tell them ????

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

….and I will always be grateful for Dr. Kickass Co-parent. When he complained in a session that our daughter doesn’t want anything to with him and won’t talk to him, she told him, “She’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

That was totally worth the money spent on her services.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago

Last night on our couch my step daughter was complaining about a friend on the cheerleading squad who “hates her dad” and I asked why what did he do?
She said he cheated on the mom and now she’s just really overprotective and “keeps the kids away from him”. I said first thing: he cheated. That ruins the whole family not just mom.
And we dont know what exactly happened behind the scenes.
And I’ll be damned if everything she said was going wrong with this family, (and as I tried to get her to look at another perspective) she had an EXCUSE for HIM and each behavior or incident. “He comes to all our games and just looks really sad”. “They say he doesn’t show up
To things but he’s always there”. I swear I even heard “she’s kinda crazy” and “isnt divorce really expensive”?
I swear I felt for a second like I was talking to her about her dad and I. He sat there facing HER

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago

For Best Actor in the category of Performative Fake Grief, the Saddest Sausage award goes to… the Lying Cheating Loser!
He grew up with an objectively awful stepfather who abused him, his mom, and his siblings. Over the years, the LCL extracted a lot of empathy from various members of the Broken Bitch Brigade recounting his childhood tales of woe. He refused to call his stepdad “dad” and instead referred to him by name.
When as an adult he slunk back home after being dumped by the WalkawayWoman, the LCL and his stepdad led parallel lives under the same roof for a time, until the LCL could secure another chump with an apartment.
At the time of stepdad’s death, the LCL hadn’t spoken to him for months. Not being one to waste any opportunity for kibbles, the LCL posted prolifically on social media. Including a selfie, all dressed up in funeral finery, with the caption “RIP dad.”
The Brigade showered him with loving attention and I’m sure the panties were dropping for months.

Renee62
Renee62
1 year ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

“Broken Bitch Brigade” ????????????????????

ChumpyLou
ChumpyLou
1 year ago

My ex-SIL told me that at a family party, the OW approached ex-SIL to chat. Apparently, she was sick of people gossiping about my breakup with the ex and how hard it must be for my son and me. She told ex-SIL ‘people keep talking about how hard it is for ‘ChumpyLou’s ex’, but they don’t realise that I left someone too and it’s hard for me’. Ex-SIL looked at her and walked off. I was pregnant at the time with ex’s child. Gross.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpyLou

OW tried to plant a flag on Victim Mountain and got tossed into the gorge lol.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpyLou

I am so sorry Chumpy Lou.
Is it just me, or is there truly extra pain when a chump is carrying ex’s child when they decide to wander off to greener pastures?
( this seems to be a jump start to making the finals list)!
( well, one thing I feel certain of, is, it builds a very very strong bond, especially between this child, and the Chump Mother- the forever present, sane, loving parent).
Big hugs to you dear Chumpy Lou

ChumpyLou
ChumpyLou
1 year ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Ah thank you. It was almost 7 years ago this Christmas. It was awful, but I know this sounds so cliche – I am so much stronger and I realised I’m pretty resilient now due to that experience. I would have preferred not to have gone through it though.

My daughter is 6 and loves her dad, but my son, now 13 doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad. We all have a very close bond and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

ChumpyLou
ChumpyLou
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpyLou

On discovering the affair, my ex proceeded to punch himself in the face while shouting ‘I’ve ruined everything’. He gave himself a black eye! He then sat on the sofa having a pity party and I think he wanted me to tell him everything would be ok and get him an ice pack.
I ran him out of the house and raged off in the car at a ridiculous speed.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago

Post-divorce, me: “Should I pick up our kid from soccer today?”
Her: “It’s always about you. But I don’t have to put up with your shit anymore.”

[She had multiple simultaneous boyfriends, including two during the month in which she was “sorry.” Best quote from then: “Yes, I lied about being in touch with him. But you’re still paranoid.”]

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

Oh god, I got so many of these responses to just normal, logistical questions with no emotional connotations. He’d name drop AP just to upset me (there was NEVER any need to bring her into those emails). I learned to just respond “I’ll pick kid up at 3”. It drove him CRAZY that I didn’t take the bait.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

It sounds like she had that “it’s all about you” rumination all wound up for weeks and ready to blow on the very next thing you said, even if it was “Looks like rain” or “Did you vote?”

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

Omgggg…it’s just maddening how ridiculous they are! I hope you can laugh about it now…like WTAF?!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

“Yes, I lied about being in touch with him. But you’re still paranoid.”

Holy shit. You get an award for not resorting to violence after that. I hope she drops her DARVO award on her toe

Poet
Poet
1 year ago

I was in such shock at her ability to lie that well that I was mostly just catatonic. She admitted her activities. But later refused to participate in therapy if anyone said she’d had an affair. Because I was always making false accusations like that.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago

I got one. In between being nasty to me, he would get mopey because I wasn’t asking him how his day was and I would just stare at him when he tried to tell me stories when he came home. He got mad about it so I said “What do you expect me to do, high five you and say cool prank bro because you faked a 20 year marriage?”

And he hung his head and said “but isn’t it really a prank I played on myself?”

Thrive
Thrive
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Oh yes I forgot that one. FW saying to me with tears in his eyes: I’ve become my Dad (he was a cheater who deserted my FW, his mom and brother at a very young age). I can’t believe I did this to myself”. Probably the most insightful he was through the whole thing….didn’t stop him.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  Thrive

Yes! It’s like to yourself?! You can’t believe you do this TO YOURSELF?! What about all the other people you did this to, knowingly, by choice. We didn’t get to make these decisions. They did it to us, without our knowledge or consent and then they whine about what they did TO THEMSELVES. Yeah, it’s unreal.

At one point before I got him to move out of our apartment he just randomly screamed at me, “Poor Katie, always the victim!” I wasn’t even speaking at all, he just walked by me and screamed at me. That was after the “isn’t it a prank I played on myself” comment and all I could think was well, that’s a textbook example of projection if I’ve ever seen one.

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

It must be in their hand book. “I got the poor Brit always the victim.”
Cheater would then repeatedly say, “so you think I’m a bastard? I’m a bastard, go ahead call me a bastard.”
I wasn’t sure what to think, so I’d ignore him. Looking back I couldn’t agree with him more.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago

For the prize itself, I suggest one of those displays that rotates hot dogs under a heat lamp. Just add an easy listening version of Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.”

Chumpy VonChumpster
Chumpy VonChumpster
1 year ago

I am impressed with all the FW excuses! My entitled narcissist didn’t even bother to pretend to feel guilt or remorse and said things like “You just want me to feel bad about myself!” and “I cant change the past.”

ChumpChange
ChumpChange
1 year ago

I feel you! It is so sad when you realize just how much you meant to them. But still glad that I can care about deserving people…them not so much.

trumaine kinsey
trumaine kinsey
1 year ago

omg. mine says the same thing. No originality. It is like yess after 18 years and raising 2 kids I would like you to feel something. She now thinks we will be besties over time. lol

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
1 year ago

XAss never admitted to anything. Never apologized for anything. Instead I got projection, he accused me of everything he did to me. And then he had the gall to say to me, “But we had some good times together, didn’t we?” with a hopeful expression on his face. I just turned and walked away.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

Mine acted this way at times, too, adding that he just “had to move on” (cue the violins) as if he hadn’t been the architect of the entire shit show.

Also, the AP chimed in with her own version of self-pity by having x tell me that “she doesn’t want anything of yours.” I replied, “Just my husband and my life.” But ok.

The AP, whom I’d met briefly only once, seemed to have complete disdain for me. I never understood that. Those two slept in my bed and snuck around for YEARS. She knew full well that he was married. She conspired in my abuse. And yet, I was somehow the bad guy, and she was the aggrieved woman who wanted nothing of mine. #mindfuck

The two seem to be wallowing in self-pity together.

After D-Day, x said that she was the only friend he had and that she would probably end up wheeling him in a chair and cleaning food off his shirt. When I pointed out to him that I would have done that, too, he simply said, “I know.”

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“The AP, whom I’d met briefly only once, seemed to have complete disdain for me. I never understood that. Those two slept in my bed and snuck around for YEARS. She knew full well that he was married. She conspired in my abuse. And yet, I was somehow the bad guy, and she was the aggrieved woman who wanted nothing of mine. #mindfuck”

I unfortunately saw a lot more of her than that, since we were coworkers and (I thought) friends. Which makes it even more crazy that she saw me as the enemy to her happiness and believed all FW’s lies about what a cold bitch I was (or whatever – I don’t know details). She was WELL AWARE he was married, and we all hung out together. She watched us kiss, hold hands, play with our kid, she came to my house, I cooked dinner for everyone. But she stood shoulder to shoulder with him in his abuse of me, and took it on herself to scream at me, push me, threaten me, make up lies about me to try and get me fired, etc. So bizarre. The crème de la crème was when she sent me an angry text saying “Stay out of my life. You have NO RIGHT.” as she proceeded to threaten to call the cops (?) on me for “stalking” her (i.e. looking at her PUBLIC social media – which I was checking because I knew FW was lying to me). SHE was fucking MY HUSBAND, but apparently I had “no right” to be upset about it…

Chumpy VonChumpster
Chumpy VonChumpster
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Your FW and his AP sound perfect together. May they wallow in their victimization and self pity forever. I’m glad you got away from that dysfunction.

Michele Taylor
Michele Taylor
1 year ago

I talked to the AP and she had a long-term relationship with my ex…8 years long. We bought a huge home together in the middle of it all and she was aware. During our conversation she had the gall to say to me “I can’t believe he did this to me and my kids”….mind you she was married at the time they started their affair and only got divorced after she got caught. No one bothered to let me know until I found out at the 8 year mark on my own. And at the end of the call when she thought we were both done she said “it was so nice talking to you, maybe we could meet for a drink someday”. I’m, that’s a hard no. My FW begged and cried to work it out so we tried….and guess what, they carried on (I know, shocking, right?) I’ve been single for 2 years and don’t think they’re officially together but he’ll continue to use her until it doesn’t serve him anymore. I sleep just fine at night…they deserve each other.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Michele Taylor

APs are audacious. When I told her ex said she was going to follow him to our daughter’s home where we were to babysit, (she was allegedly being fired)I said I’d call police if she came anywhere near my granddaughter. She looked at him & said no wonder your kids think I’m a psycho. Same person that threatened to put flyers all over our neighborhood and both daughters. A neighbor actually saw her in my mailbox.
Yep. That’s who he’s with. Btw my tires were also slashed after she revealed herself. Same car I transport grands in. He swore she’d never do that. Idiot

ExLifeLessons (‘ELL)
ExLifeLessons (‘ELL)
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

Sandyfeet: they deserve their dysfunctional relationship! Keeps them busy & away from us “normals”!

ByeByeFW
ByeByeFW
1 year ago

*Best Sad Sausage Performance at a Divorce Hearing goes to….. Ex Mr FW!*
Ex Mr FW will be leaving today’s proceedings with a court order to pay ByeByeFW a 6 figure sum, in addition to back child support and child care costs, and assurance from the judge that failure to pay said amount in the next 3 months will result in the sale of his house. And if house sale doesn’t cover these expenses, he will still be responsible for the remaining balance.
Ex Mr FW is being bestowed this honor for literally describing himself as the victim during the hearing. The judge addressed Ex Mr FW directly – informing he was a victim of nothing, and it was in the best interest of his minor children that he stop thinking of himself as such and start being a parent. #besthearingever

SecondSelf
SecondSelf
1 year ago

When I was upset about him purchasing sex at massage parlors, his response: You are so crazy and overreacting- it only happened a few times!

????

Bruno
Bruno
1 year ago
Reply to  SecondSelf

“I only shot you once and you didn’t die! Why are you fixating on this?”

Wormfree
Wormfree
1 year ago
Reply to  Bruno

That’s insane! Yet typical.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

I remember reading one message to one of our friends wife whose husband was divorcing her “What is happening to our men? I don’t know why he (Sirchumpalot) is divorcing me?”. She was telling everyone who would listen that I was divorcing her without cause. That she was the victim in the marriage and divorce. Such a sad sausage for having multiple affairs. ????????????

Madge
Madge
1 year ago

“Your insistence that I give up porn was abusive!”
Right, having a spouse who loved you and wanted you to be present with her instead of treating her like something disposable was such a buzzkill. Go ahead with whatever, I’m over you now. Hope porn looks after you when you’re old.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago
Reply to  Madge

I remember early on getting shit for calling him out on wasting himself on porn when I was literally in the next bedroom. How dare I expect my husband to pay that sort of attention to his wife rather than strangers. That was back when I thought in general that it was harmless “me” time and I bought into the idea that I was shaming him and did feel bad about doing so. I was so naive.

J
J
1 year ago

After finding out my ex had cheated on me our whole marriage (16 years) I kicked him out. He came back crying one day and said “I never knew how cruel you are. I’m suffering grief and loss and you don’t care. I’ve lost your parents and you could care less”. Note: he was closer to my parents then his own. I didn’t say a word, just closed the door in his face.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  J

I got “your family doesn’t like me”. You abused me and then finally cheated on me. Why would they like you?

RVA
RVA
1 year ago

So many.. the psychologist told her that she needed to do some soul searching about what she did so she can regain trust from me and she said “what about him?” After spending a year telling me she did not want to work anymore, she wanted to be a homemaker, she was forced to go back to work after I left and called me to tell me how happy she was having something to do and how she appreciated her days off. The flip side, her employer cut her hours and she called to tell me how unhappy she was because she really enjoyed working. Then there was the time she said she was tired of being punished for what she did, she felt like I put her into jail after what she did, and how upsetting it was to be reminded of what she did (went off on a drug bender with an old boyfriend for 5 days, etc.). The most recent, she got us into trouble with the IRS because she cashed out inherited stocks, did not give me the details, gave money to her boyfriend and we underreported income for our first year of marriage to the tune of $46,500 to which she said “I would never do anything to hurt you” after I confronted her. The real mind fuck was me thinking I could actually stay married to her before realizing there was nothing to work with…

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  RVA

RVA the financial stabs in the back are horrible! I can so relate, and I’m so happy only my name is attached to my returns, bank statements, etc! FW was awful with any money we ever had, and now that he’s gone, it’s such a weight lifted, and I’m doing great in that area ????

Apidae
Apidae
1 year ago

I went to his apartment to retrieve a box full of my books that he’d liberated without permission when he moved out. As I was hauling it out, apropos of nothing, he whined that when he had a wedding ring on women threw themselves at him, but now that he was single they weren’t interested.

I didn’t bother to respond.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago