Sad Sausage Tales?

The sad sausage self-pity channel probably provokes more Stupid Shit Cheaters Say than the other two channels, rage and “charm.” It’s kind of absurd for chumps to expect comfort from the cheaters who gutted us, but it is exponentially more ridiculous that cheaters want sympathy from chumps.

Really, dude, you want me to understand that you’re grieving your affair partner?

Is this a hard time for you? You feel pain too? No, wait — MORE?

Somehow after discovery you’re called upon to understand They Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time. And don’t you feel just terrible the ways in which you’ve been an obstacle to their happiness? I think you should. They’ve suffered so much.

So today, CN, tell me the craziest thing your cheater wanted sympathy for.

Poor sausages.

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Candie
Candie
3 years ago

“If it makes you feel better, SHE’S crying too.” Like I’m supposed to feel bad for discovering her.

Jane
Jane
3 years ago
Reply to  Candie

My x was having an affair with a member of our staff (I’m a mega Chump so it took me another 15 years to leave) so about a year later I saw on the cel phone bill he had a 90 minute conversation with her. When I asked him WTF he replied “jeez, give me a break, it was the one year anniversary of our first kiss.”

Lou
Lou
3 years ago
Reply to  Jane

Such an asshole!

Givetimetime
Givetimetime
3 years ago
Reply to  Candie

After I found out that he’s been fucking prostitutes during his lunch hour for five years:

“ You told people. Now it’s all going to snowball! This should’ve been a private matter between you and me!”

Ummmmm. What?

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

My ex phoned my MOTHER trying to get her sympathy the first time I threw him out. ( Stupid me took him back later). But I was not allowed to tell HIS family what he had done.

Lauren
Lauren
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

After Our first meeting with a marriage counselor after DDay x said “I can’t believe you told him everything” He wanted us to go to a retreat – guess he was thinking of the ideal pick me dance set up.
Still took me 6 months to change the locks. What a chump.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

“This should’ve been a private matter between you and me!””

Right?

No FW, our marriage was a private matter between us, until you blew it to hell and back. In my case FW asked me to keep it quiet until he could get his head on straight. I lasted about three weeks, during which he was moving out. Finally I blew. It helped me a lot. And truth be told a lot of other folks knew way before I did. It was just that they were also police officers, so they kept quiet.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

Maybe if he’d treated his marriage and sex life as a private matter, between you and him….

Oh never mind, there’s no use applying reason to this BS.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

Same deal. My ex told me that his hoe was upset that he told me her name. (She was a divorce lawyer getting a divorce from a divorce lawyer). When I told him that I was not interested in hearing any more about her feelings, his response was “bitches be trippin.’’”

What an asshole.

NoMoreMsNiceChump
NoMoreMsNiceChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

Yeah, what’s with cheaters being mad that you dared to tell people? Mail for his family would arrive at our condo and periodically I would meet with one of them to hand it over. So when I saw his aunt I mentioned that we were divorcing, that I would not be living at the condo much longer, and that she would need to make other arrangements (he never met with his family if he could avoid it). I also told her why we were divorcing.

I get home and Nitwit’s all, “What the hell did you tell her for? She’s the biggest gossip in the family.” I told him that we couldn’t keep a divorce a secret and that I was done covering for him. Little did I realize the reason he didn’t want me telling people about our divorce was because he didn’t actually want a divorce. Oh, he said he wanted a divorce but that was just to get me dancing. Installing my UBT has been a lifesaver.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. If he really wanted to control the narrative so badly he could have just given them the mail himself or (gasp) not had an affair in the first place.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

“Yeah, what’s with cheaters being mad that you dared to tell people?”

Because it tarnishes their cherished image, or whatever bullshit they’ve been telling others about *us*.

Almost the first words out of fucktard’s mouth after Dday were (in an aggrieved tone)” I suppose you’ve told everybody! ”

You betcha mate.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Oh, after my first few weeks of pick me dancing, after he moved out; I told anyone that asked: “He dumped me for another woman he had been running around with behnd my back” Was it embarrassing, yep; but better than being vague and letting his version of the story stand.

My FWs version was always “we grew apart” Um, yeah we did; when you started fucking your direct report, you started pushing me away. As I have said before I could almost name the date it started.

Small But Mighty
Small But Mighty
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I did the same. Isn’t it weird how you feel embarrassed when they were the one who did something to be embarrassed about?

I told everyone the truth when I had to tell people we were no longer together. I needed the extra support because this wasn’t just a normal break up where you feel sad and then get over it. I knew I was going to be in for a rough ride because it makes you question everything. Every time I told someone and they reacted with shock and indignation, it made me feel a little stronger and less crazy. And if he faces social consequences from it, well then that’s the result of his own actions.

I left him because I found out he had been sending explicit messages and photos to at least one other woman for three months. I’m very sure he will miss that part out of his version of events.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

“I did the same. Isn’t it weird how you feel embarrassed when they were the one who did something to be embarrassed about?”

Yep, and I really wish I had spilled my guts to folks about how I was treated by him in private for about 1 to 1.5 years before he left. I held that in until just recently when he blew up my sons life with his and schmoopies lies and reckless lifestyle.

But, the good news is, it forced me to finally confront my anger at myself.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

Mark the family mail,including his “return to sender addressee unknown”. Cue the music

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago

I used to Mark cheaters mail “Return to sender/Recipient deceased”

Sarah
Sarah
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I’ve wanted to do this! I worried it would be illegal…. Is it?

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Hilarious!

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  Candie

The equivalence! That he sees the affair partner and you as the same is all you need to know to know it’s time to leave.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

At first he was saying, it was no big deal, it was just sex and he could “kick her to the curb” if he wanted to. Then he was all mopey and sad because she is so “amazing” and “doesn’t want to hurt her.” When that sent me into a tailspin of crying jags, he kept trying to make it seem like I was the selfish one for making him feel bad for loving her, and how he was so much more in pain than I was.

What a sick fuck.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Same deal. My ex told me that his hoe was upset that he told me her name. (She was a divorce lawyer getting a divorce from a divorce lawyer). When I told him that I was not interested in hearing any more about her feelings, his response was “bitches be trippin.’’”

What an asshole.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Oh no, the affair partners are more than us in their minds. Less than two weeks after DDay when we were supposed to be in reconciliation, ex was lamenting, “she cares about me and I hurt her”. My response was “I care about you and you hurt me”. No response. My feelings were irrelevant.

Another time (less than a week after DDay), he was telling me how horrible her husband was to have cheated on her and how kind she was to have taken him back. He said this to me with no sense at all of the irony of what he had just said.

Chumparoo
Chumparoo
3 years ago

Why is it that all cheaters all of a sudden protect their OW like it were them that they were married too this entire time?? I did all of the hard work, and invested my entire life into our family. Then when confronted, and I call the OW a penis-nosed ho worker, they rush off to protect them!! Like where was I in this whole scheme of things?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumparoo

I will never get it.

There must be something to that teenage boy thing that they are reverting too because of the excitement of strange. It is the only thing I can think of.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Susie Lee – it is, it is exactly this. The immaturity of it all – just little boys in adult skins.

justme
justme
1 year ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Back in the mid ’80’s , we called them baby-men. Little boys who didn’t want to grow up. Gay community called them Peters. As in Peter Pan.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

It is the only thing that makes sense, because I know most of these guys are not stupid, they know their spouses are not the enemy that they are trying to make them.

Dang it, I know too/to and two, honestly.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumparoo

Penis nosed
Rat faced whore????
Gladys McDogface
Howard the Whoremonger
????

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago

@Chumpinrecovery – Ugh, this reminded me of early days. We were supposedly trying to make it work when I got very similar to what you described. Some slop about how she doesn’t cry and she was crying and she loves him and he just can’t feel right hurting someone like that. When I pointed out “oh but I cry and you can hurt me just fine?” He gave this nauseatingly wimpy little half shoulder shrug. What the hell was I thinking trying to ‘work it out’???!

Suzy
Suzy
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

They are all the same! He “couldn’t give up someone who loved him as much as she does” but gave up me who loved him (like loved in the real way) for 27 years and his six children too and his reputation and the love and respect of my entire family. He put me through hell and back during the lowest part of my life (fighting cancer!).

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Suzy

Whoa! I think….I really think I got the same words from Fredo! Like almost verbatim. Along with 23 years and 2 kids and my entire family. Damn, they really are all the same aren’t they? Suzy I really hope you doing well now and feeling better and better.

marissachump
marissachump
3 years ago

Sounds intentional. Wants you to pick-me dance by proving your kindness by taking him back.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

That’s what I thought too.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
3 years ago

That reminds me of the time when ex said “Whoever I choose, someone is going to get hurt” … Then it turned out that she didn’t actually want him as a partner, and I told him I didn’t love him any more. I guess it was him that got hurt.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
3 years ago

My ex-husband actually said to me, “Why do I think that no matter what I choose, I am going to end up alone?”

My reaction 1: When did I, the wife, become a choice to be made? I thought that choice was made when we got married and now I’m being pitted against another woman? WTF?

My reaction 2: You should be alone. You are no good to anyone. How dare you think that you can just monkey-branch into your affair and think everything in life will follow suit.

My reaction 3: This says a lot about how messed up your brain is that you can’t even recognize how ridiculous this all is. It is time to grow up and wake up. A marriage is at stake here, 15 years together being thrown away. There are two young children. Two families that have become friends with one another over the years. A shitload of assets.

His answer: You just don’t understand how she makes me feel.

And there it is. It’s not about her. You could trade her out for any other desperate woman with ambiguous morals. As long as the woman helps transport him to the feelings he nostalgically remembers experiencing in his 20s, when life was simpler, your time and money were your own, then he’s hooked.

The sad-sausage tale is one of the emotionally immature, of the fragmented identity, of the weak character and weak mind, of the childishly entitled, of the superficial thought-process, of the instant gratification, of the failed adult.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

And tragically for the broken family/wife, he really thinks or thought this feeling with this woman will last forever. I say tragically for the family and wife, because quite frankly the cheater will likely get what they deserve.

The wife and kids don’t. At least not in the short term. Long term they will be ok.

Stig
Stig
3 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Your last paragraph cuts to the heart of the cheater’s moral weakness, ONM, the inability to grow up and a penchant for sentimental flights of fancy based on superficial notions of the advantages of a life free from responsibility. Shallow af in other words…

Skeeter
Skeeter
3 years ago

Love this!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

???? I love it when their plans blow up in their face. I really do.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

????

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago

They have no sense of irony. They occupy an alternative reality, one in which everything they do is acceptable, for whatever reason they give at any given time.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

No sense of irony!
One of Wasband’s biggest arguments in the divorce was that I am an incompetent mother.
One day he brought me some wall hangings from the marital home. Included was a plaque he had given me a few years ago. It said “Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchens, and happy kids.”

I believe I laughed my ass off and gave it back to him. He did not understand. I said, “You argued in court that I was a terrible mother! I don’t want it.”

He looked genuinely confused.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Battle tempered Lionheart:

” I said, “You argued in court that I was a terrible mother! I don’t want it.”

He looked genuinely confused.”

I expect he was, I often think cheaters have a lot in common with petty criminals, they’re incapable of reasoning from A to B.

Or, they simply say whatever they think will serve them in the moment, then it just floats away like autumn mist.

I do so hope you got custody of your children and you don’t have to do much co-parenting with that arsehole. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

“Or, they simply say whatever they think will serve them in the moment, then it just floats away like autumn mist.”

Honestly, I think this is so true, at least from my experience. He made conflicting statements in the same conversation. I really think that many of them just flail to defend themselves, give no thought to anything, but saying what they need to in the moment.

Unfortunately, all that means is you can’t believe anything; because you have gotten so many different stories.

My daughter in law told me after the ex and his schmoopie got married, she told her that the ex (now her FW, since he cheated on her) won’t let her say anything negative about me, and that he kept a ribbon and some pictures that he won’t let her toss. I am betting after the years of telling her that he never loved me and how awful I was, that was confusing to her.

But again, who knows what is in their minds.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
3 years ago

A guy I dated listed one of the big reasons he divorced his first wife was she was a bad mother. ?????? So she’s a bad mom so you divorce her and leave the kids with alone with her?

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

See, they can’t reason from A to B! ????????

Grumpy
Grumpy
3 years ago

My STBX belittled me because “she sure cares about her kids!” Said with contempt.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Candie

Yep. What sort of person gets pleasure/power from knowing they made someone cry? Sick bastard.

I don’t have any sad sausage tales re the affair, because I kicked him out, filed, and went total NC, but in 23 years of marriage, not *once* did he ever blame himself for anything that went wrong, it was *always* someone else’s fault, usually mine.

Chump King
Chump King
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

“This isn’t easy for me either. Do you know how hard it is to end an affair with someone you love?”

She said this on a Sunday evening having just returned from a two night holiday with her lover while I stayed home looking after the children.

The memory still cuts me thirty five years later.

Senior Chump
Senior Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Love ‘rat faced whore’ – going to use that one. Of course, it will be plural.

Holden Angstrom
Holden Angstrom
3 years ago
Reply to  Senior Chump

I think Rat Faced Whore(s) is funniest.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Senior Chump

After the process server had served him the divorce papers, (on Valentine’s Day and rat faced whore opened the door ????) I as him, do you think she looks like a rat? He said “no, more like a gerbil with specs” ????????????

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

????????????

Love it!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Senior Chump

If only the AP had looked like something quippy and brief such as a rat. Instead she looked a lot like a dun-colored English Staffordshire bull terrier.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Slutress Staffie?

Staffie Slutress?

Skank Staffie?

????????

Linda Gigger
Linda Gigger
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

ha. the one mine had looked just like a goat.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Oh, I forgot, in his Form E he stated “this whole process has made me ill”, like he had had nothing to do with the ‘process’.

Also stated, “please stop referring to [rat faced whore] as my partner. I am not in a relationship with (whore) and she no longer lives here.”

Next day I saw said rat faced whore on the balcony of his flat in her dressing gown. ????????

Patsy
Patsy
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

For non-UK readers, Form E is a document where people are required to list all of their assets and liabilities.

It is an offence to lie or omit on your Form E.

Punishable by jail. The British courts don’t mess around, and they don’t take kindly to SAH spouses without whose (often unpaid) support, careers would not have flourished, to being abandoned. English law is in community of property, ie, the chump gets half.

This is why billionaires wives fly to London to file.

BakToReality
BakToReality
3 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

I’ve had to take out a court order to get her to fill it in. We exchange Forme Es in three days. I have a feeling she still hasn’t completed it. Contempt of court awaits in whatever form that may take.

Madge2
Madge2
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

He saw the completion of Form E as an affront. ‘But it’s 28 pages long’. He’s a Real Estate lawyer! You’ve got to laugh!

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Madge2

Yep. ????????????

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

This isn’t 100% on topic but I am imbedding it near the top so that it will be read. I was just at my bank and got the BEST information. STBX has ACCOUNTS there, but has only ever let me know about one. The gentleman that was helping me went through a divorce last year, so he was sympathetic. He said that their bank offers a FREE estate planner (or something like that) that will go over all of the STBX’s accounts with me!!! It is a nationally recognized bank so any of you in the divorce process (or considering it) here in the U.S., see if your bank offers the same service. I know that the other day someone mentioned that they and their husband had separate bank accounts, so this is very helpful in that kind of situation. Can’t wait to catch him lying about his accounts!

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago

Okay, so went in and the financial planner is able to look at STBX’s accounts and assured me that I would be just fine financially going forward, but he did not reveal any of STBX’s information. No worries, that is what subpoenas are there for. Going back in next week because the financial planner is going to help me with setting up retirement accounts, planning, etc. All free advice until I sign with the bank and then it is a one time fee, unlike my current investors that take a percentage. Still recommend going into your current bank and seeing what additional services might be available to you. My new policy has been it’s free to ask and I will take all of the advice from experts that I can get!

The tax return doesn’t show any other accounts and the Stupid One is too dumb to get a safety deposit box.

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago

I’m not sure this is accurate information unless your name is on the account. While this person may be sympathetic I doubt it’s legal. I’d check with an attorney. I know I was unable to access his accounts and let’s not forget they may have accounts at other banks as well as safety deposit boxes.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

Who knew ? Thanks for the info. Note to all chumps during their exit strategy-change banks ! Update your direct deposit info if you’re working outside the home. Any expected inheritance in the future ? Seek legal and tax advice.

Lin
Lin
3 years ago

Wow. I wonder if all of them do this. And all institutions.

Shelly
Shelly
3 years ago

Along with cheater, therapist asked me ‘What? Do you want him to hate her????’, referring to AP.
I knew the answer they wanted from me was ‘no’,
But I courageously said, ‘YES, you’ve obviously not been cheated on.’
It was as if the AP was the victim and cheater and therapist were in conversion therapy to get me to forgive everyone. It was screwy! I came away from there so confused and re-traumatized. It was a huge setback.
That was when I began to emotionally detach from him, therapy and started planning my exit. It took awhile, though. #hopiumhits delayed the inevitable.

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

I’m living it!

NoMoreMsNiceChump
NoMoreMsNiceChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

That therapist is a disgrace to the profession! Like another poster said, couples therapy is generally a scam. Individual therapy to help you work through your trauma might be a good idea, though. I count myself extremely fortunate that I never got sucked into the RIC; by the time Nitwit suggested MC I was already firmly committed to the divorce path. More luck than management on my part, really.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Same here, by the time he came sniffing back, I honestly was disgusted by him. Can’t believe I did the pick me dance for even a few weeks. Gag.

Also, he didn’t want me back, he just wanted to destabilize me, and keep me in his stable. I am pretty sure of that.

I don’t see how folks forget the awful things they say, I know not all of them do that, but from the reconcilliation thread I read many of them do, and I just don’t get how they forget that. I would have never felt safe or loved. The “oh I just said that to make you hate me” trope didn’t work with me.

Then them pining for their whores, vomit.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Shelly–

Aside from the question of why we even agree to go to RIC therapists, what is it with the wreconciliation therapists disallowing any criticism of APs?

Imagine the police insisting they could only take reports on the criminal who defrauded your business in person and not their cohort who you never met or met once and whose shiny new Porsche Carrera was paid for with your company’s pilfered pension fund.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

I’d bet a lot of these ‘therapista’ are quacks who are probably cheaters themselves.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Just out of curiosity I googled the “theRapist” my parents went to in the groovy sixties/seventies. All the men in the group were abusing (cheating on) their wives. I couldn’t find his or his wife’s obituary;they’re in their nineties. But I did find mug shots of their late in life son.
My mother became friends with one of the other wives. This woman stayed with her cheater Howard the Whoremonger. She said the therapist was batshit crazy… Her husband died years ago and she is suffering with dementia. Her daughter fled across the country after her father’s death and the two sons aren’t married either. But hey at least there’s all that money Whoremonger made to pay for the house in NJ, the pied à terre and the home aide to look after her !

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

And/Or who’ve never been cheated on. My therapist isn’t this bad, but I’ve had to assert myself on a couple of occasions. One time the fuckwit said that he felt like we were ganging up on him, and it made him feel bad about himself (this was before he left & I actually knew anything, but suspected). She responded with a sweet, “We don’t want you to feel bad.” To which I replied, “Wait a minute! Why shouldn’t he feel bad? He’s done bad things. When people do bad things, they *should* feel bad”! Fortunately, she corrected herself and didn’t let him manipulate her further. He’s a master at that shit! Not surprisingly, he stopped going to therapy altogether….

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

There are so many horror stories about RIC encounters. They either suck up to the one they assume is paying the bill or the cheater.

I just don’t get the knee-jerk defense of the AP. It seems to go beyond some philosophical issue that the cheater should bear all the blame (but not too much, not enough to chase them out of therapy) and verge into something subjective or pathological.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

It just seems to boil down to be gentle with the cheater, and make the betrayed continue to eat shit sandwiches if that is what it takes to keep the marriage together.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

“Not surprisingly, he stopped going to therapy altogether….”

And that seems to be the crux of why they (RIC) cater to the cheater, they know he/she won’t sit there and take it, but the heartbroken betrayed spouse just might. Cha ching.

Susanna
Susanna
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Our “couples therapist” was an ass like that too. Always worried for his comfort & completely missing the sociopathic admissions wtf

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Susanna

Sometimes I wonder if they do that because they know they aren’t going to get anything from the cheater, so in order to deem the marriage a “success” they have to put it all on the betrayed spouse.

Either divorce or staying in the marriage is hard, but it seems like from the recon stories I read, the betrayed spouse is just living a life of constant pick me dancing/walking on egg shells (on steroids. ) to keep the cheater from straying again.

Seasoned Chump
Seasoned Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

^This. Ask me how I know! Both ex-cheater pants ended up cheating and leaving again within 2-5 years.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Seasoned Chump

I have read several sets of stats. Even on the Affair Recovery site.

The numbers are not good for long term success after reconcilliation after an affair. I forget the exact numbers but most eventually end in divorce and the cheater doing it again.

It is great for those who change themselves, but dang the risk to the betrayed partner is huge. Add in the anquish they have to go through to reconcile.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

???? I hate that therepist. Shame on her/him.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Yes, mine should have told me to run and never look back, but instead she smiled and took my $165 an hour to help brainwash me into accepting the unacceptable. I recently told a good friend that marriage counseling, if they choose to do it, should only take few session, because all the counselor can do for you is teach you how to communicate better. If the problem persists after communication, then the problem is no longer a misunderstanding, it’s simply that you do not agree. Then, according to Chump lady, you have to decide if the relationship is acceptable to you. Unfortunately for me, apparently it was, and the rest of the sessions we had were all about me twisting my values around to match the reality of what I had married. Ugggh..

Swisschump
Swisschump
3 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

I spent 3 years at $180 an hour with the marriage therapist. She helped STBX cover up his affairs and tried to get me to accept a “unique” marriage that she would never define. It was, it turned out, the whole idea of me accepting that he would always have an affair partner.

She did write me an apology email after I told her the marriage was over. She said she was sorry she didn’t meet my needs.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  Swisschump

Did she enclose a check for $28,000 plus interest ?
Didn’t think so

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

Given the opportunity (had he in the beginning wanted to save the marriage) I would have been susceptable to that. I was so desperate to save the marriage. Only for a short time, but had I been encouraged, I coulnd’t have been taken advantage of by an unscrupilous therepist.

Thankfully, by the time he decided to start reaching back to me, I was done. I did give him one chance. It lasted a week, he was a total ass. Still not sure why he wanted to come back that week, but I think I know; and it had nothing to do with me.

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Honestly, I don’t have a very favorable view of couple’s therapy. Eff the books which are nothing but victim blaming shit-sandwich eating texts.

JP
JP
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

It seems only recently have life coaches seemed to have picked up on how toxic these people are and that no contact is the only way to deal with them. I follow an amazing woman on YouTube who has first hand experienced
https://www.youtube.com/user/lisaaromano1

The RIC only has one agenda.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Shelly,

I’m so sorry you had to deal w/that! That’s appalling, and further mental and emotional abuse of you. Obviously your ex is a fuckwit, but the therapist too? What an asshole! I hope you’re in a happier place now. God, your story makes me so pissed off for you. Lots of hugs and best wishes to you moving forward. I hope you and your family are well and stay safe in these times.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago

I was told that she is a very nice person. She would never hurt anyone. Really? Yup, nice people always screw their cousin’s husband.

JustD
JustD
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Totally same…I got the “she’s kind and considerate and respects you!” Mind you I’m 58 and she’s 25! He got me twice and now I’m done!

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

My own daughter said this about her father’s OP and I hate to say it but hearing that broke my heart. I apologized to my 19 yr old daughter after saying “she can’t be that nice if she was sleeping with a married man”. Her face dropped and then I realized what I did. Low point in my gray rock life right there. It’s all a shit sandwich! Xo sweet

Took Out the Trash
Took Out the Trash
3 years ago
Reply to  SweetChumpgirl

Why would you regret saying that? It is spot on.

marissachump
marissachump
3 years ago
Reply to  SweetChumpgirl

I think you should stand by what you said and take back the apology. Your daughter is more than old enough to learn right from wrong.

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
3 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

Thank you Marissa. It happened in October and a lot has changed since then. I can’t take it back but for now on if she says this again, I feel I can voice my opinion with honesty and truth. She deserves to hear that! Xoxo sweet

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago
Reply to  SweetChumpgirl

I don’t agree that you did anything to beat yourself up about! No different than any of your previous lessons about right and wrong.

At that age, she should know the real truth about choices men and women make and who gets hurt. You’re teaching her that people who have intimate relationships with someone who has made vows and promises to another person should and will be judged by their actions.

That was a sane parent teaching her child not someone breaking grey rock!

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Agreed – I did not get into all the details with his kids, but I did make a point to tell them clearly that what their father did to me put me at risk for STDs and he took advantage of my money and my time, and it is unfair to be the patsy where everyone else knows about the lie except the one person being lied to (the kids knew about her, even met her and spent time with her – they knew for 6 months to a year). I stopped at a point when it was obvious his daughter was getting really upset and she said “no one deserves to be lied to.” Kids deserve to know. I was always honest with them, why stop now? Why should I be a part of the lie? Why should I protect the cheater and his AP? Everyone deserves the truth. He is an awful human being.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

⬆️YES!

I wholeheartedly agree! My kids are 15 and 19. When Captain Fuckwit left 4 years ago, he lied to and gaslit them almost as much as he did me. Still does, in fact. I let him do it to me, but Mama bear came out when he did it to them.

I took it as an opening to educate both children on issues of morality and character. The touchstone of these lessons has been the philosophy of the 7 deadly sins and 7 heavenly virtues (see also Pandora’s box). We’re not religious, but I find this religious concept to be a fundamental truth applicable to all of humanity.

I don’t seek out moments to “bash” their father, but I refuse to participate in any way with their conduct by keeping quiet. In fact, the deadly sin of sloth does not mean laziness. It refers to doing or saying nothing in the face of immorality.

Through all of this, I’ve come to see the “experts” who reprimand us for “speaking badly” (e.g., telling the truth) about the other parent as being a counterpart to the RIC. Everyone here complains about how our culture accepts adultery as a minor transgression of little consequence, which we are expected to quickly forgive, accept, and even embrace.

I think we got to this place by following the advice of “experts” peddling the nonsensical imperative that we shelter our children from the immorality of their parent’s behaviors.

When my daughter inevitability brought up the conundrum of being tainted – “if my dad is a bad person, then I must be a bad person” – I pointed out the non sequitur in her argument (B does not follow from A). It’s like believing that if your father is a vegetarian or a concert pianist, then you are a vegetarian or a concert pianist. These are choices, not predetermined fates coded in her DNA.

If we want our kids to make good moral choices, we must be truthful and educate them without fear or prejudice.

Sins: Pride, envy, greed, lust, sloth, gluttony, wrath.

Virtues: Humility, kindness, temperance, chastity, diligence, charity, forgiveness.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Thanks for saying this. I made so many mistakes doing what was “right” or “recommended” to be a good mom and an honorable human being, according to popular opinion, therapists, and judges. Turns out I am a good mom and an honorable human being, and I know a hell of a lot more than those people what is good for my kids. I am trying to survive a tragedy, rebuild my life and future, and outwit the love of my life who has turned into a malicious stranger. Telling my kids ‘there’s nothing to see here, no one’s to blame seems dangerous and gaslighting.

Chumperella
Chumperella
3 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

That is what drives me crazy about the whole say “nothing to the kids – just tell them we drifted apart”crowd – the kids have already been gaslighted, lied to and mentally abused by the cheater by definition. They were also living in the nightmare of the making. My kids were young adults when DDay happened, the youngest had just turned 17. They all wanted the truth and in spite of their shock, pain and devastation that our family had been blown up they also expressed relief that he left. My serial cheating ex sent me multiple texts and emails insisting that their are things are private between a husband and wife – like everything else that rule only applied to me.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

” insisting that their are things are private between a husband and wife – like everything else that rule only applied to me.”

Right? I have told my whore everything about you, of course slanted to my own benefit, I have told friends lies about you (most likely) but you must keep your committment to the sanctity of the husband wife relationship.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Reminds me of the joke of whether someone was born an asshole or went to school for it.

Neurogeneticist Patrick Levitt argues that genes don’t code for behavior. full stop. Fuckwittery is not heritable, it’s acquired. There are organic brain conditions that can make individuals more prone to certain general behaviors, but environment still pulls the trigger and conduct in functional adults is a choice.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

“We have a no asshole rule in the workplace.Clean up your mess in the kitchen. Your mommy doesn’t work here.”

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

beautifully written ChumpQueen!! I can’t lose ME after d-day, I must continue on showing and saying the truth with love and honesty! ❤️

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Thank you Rebecca! I never thought about it that way, I was told ( my friends and family said to me) don’t take it out on her for what she is observing. You know I have held this guilt inside for almost a year because I couldn’t stay strong at that moment and say nothing. Thank you so very much for understanding me, you rock! I just love my CN family Xoxo sweet

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  SweetChumpgirl

Sweet, OMG you’re a human being. After what you went through, that seems like a very small error- I’m only calling it an error because you feel that it was a mistake; many others would disagree.
I despise these cheaters who come across as ‘nice’ people.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Honestly, when I read your post, I thought I was missing something because I didn’t see what you did wrong.

For heaven’s sake, that’s definitely not a low point! A low point would have been if you stabbed her. You merely questioned her niceness.

I agree with PP: your daughter is 19 years old. Old enough to know about sex and betrayal and marriage. What would you be teaching her by *not* saying anything?

chumpbyanyothername
chumpbyanyothername
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Oh good grief! I got this too. I got a “she cares about you”, she is the one who tried to stop it the first time….and they continued having their affair for months. She would smile to face out in public while I had no idea. Super sweet gal.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago

My dick-ex’s skank’s words to me were, “I was speaking from my caring about you, a fellow human being.” She said this when I decided to take the dick back after D-Day and he told her that we were going to reconcile. She REALLY CARED ABOUT ME! No!! REALLY!!

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

STBXH wrote ‘I like her because she has a clean heart’.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

????????

Yep, people with ‘clean hearts’ always fuck around with married men and lie and deceive. What a maroon, as Bugs Bunny would say.

*Black* hearts more like.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Yes, it’s a game some of these whores play, partly to convince the cheater how sensitive and caring they are. Yes, I know we’re fucking and endangering and hurting your wife, but I *care* about hurting her! Not enough to stop, of course, but I *care*!

It’s also a self gaslighting technique, I’m not a bad person, I’m a good person, because I care that we’re hurting Chump.

Vomit. ????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Yep, my FW told me he was the one who made the first move. (like I gave a shit) He later told me their first time was in the back seat of his squad car. Honestly when he said some of this shit, I just mostly stared at him like WTH.

Can you just picture it? Oh Romeo, no we can’t, as she places the back of her hand on her forhead, and then they both roll their fat bodies over the back seat and commense to humping. They should make a movie.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Shakespearean love verses recited while humping in parked cars lol.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

These folks have some sick minds. While I am fairly certain he had cheated in the past, (though I didn’t know at the time) honestly, I never heard him saying stupid shit like that. I guess he just gave up hiding it.

Or maybe he was just in wuv with the latest whore, and not the rest.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Ewwww! ????????????

Marianne
Marianne
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Could be great SNL skit

chumpedtoomuch
chumpedtoomuch
3 years ago
Reply to  Marianne

That he was having anxiety attacks and wasn’t eating or sleeping. Even his whoreworker was concerned for his health.

He didn’t give two fucks about my health when he was screwing around with several women for years. Dumbfuck

Chumparoo
Chumparoo
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpedtoomuch

Same here! I developed a nervous stress related eyelid twitch from shit like that

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Marianne

Lol. Perfect.

Susanna
Susanna
3 years ago

Yes, same for me & so many others. Ugly wicked souls.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
3 years ago

Ex said I should be grateful he doesn’t do drugs anymore.
His ow stalked me, he said it wasn’t his problem.
He said she will attack you, why are you with her then.
Her dad was in prison, all a lie.
He said don’t expect me to help you, which was true.
She told him what she did to me, because I never mentioned it, he knew what she did, and didn’t give a fuck.
Pretended to commit suicide, a lie, asked me to feel sorry for him.
Asked me to visit him in the psychiatric hospital for the above, I wouldn’t.
Apparently my fault he took drugs, because I had a stillborn baby.
He does have amazing acting skills, people think he’s nice.
He’s not robbing them.
You thought that was traumatic.
He said because I’m not married to you, he doesn’t have to answer to me, he can do what he wants. I have a feeling the ow helped in that part.
He said he liked her because she gave up her kids, he said he got someone pregnant, I don’t know the truth or not. I unfortunately know a few ow, and they gave up their kids.guess what they get pregnant again. One didn’t know who the dad was, and laughed about it. She was banned from having her first child. She was a evil bitch.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Susan Devlin

I don’t think I get that much “sad sausage” from the FW XW. It tends to be more of the rage and charm. For a rage example (I’ve taken liberties in describing things, but the essentials are true):

How dare you confiscate my wedding and engagement rings that I left behind when I moved a half-mile down the road from you 13 days after D-day to live in a brand new high-end apartment w/my rich, older, soon to be former boss?! Rings I hadn’t worn for many years anyway, claiming they didn’t fit me after having our three kids, but never got resized so they would, even though for years we had plenty of money to do so.

For charm? How about this, almost a year after she left me and destroyed our family:

I know I fucked you over in so many ways by exit-affairing you w/my older, richer POS boss after 3 kids and 24+ years of marriage (where you loved me imperfectly and I held every thing you ever did wrong in my eyes against you but didn’t tell you, except in passive-aggressive cryptic hints I felt anyone of intelligence would have deciphered), but as you know I’m our local politician and am running to hold two local political seats in our village/town this year, so won’t you put up a sign on what was our former front lawn (now yours only) to help my visibility in that end of the village? Remember, I said something nice about you at the beginning of this text, so that should remove all the craziness and stupidity out of my insane request.

Sad sausage stuff was a little harder to remember. She really is very good at maintaining her image, even to me, compared to what others at CN have recounted of their fuckwits. But then, she’s an ambitious politician, whose AP and former boss (being a former bigwig in our state’s politics) is going to help mentor and push her in her political career (her words on D-day). So, yeah, you can see why she might be slightly better at presenting her bullshit to the unwary.

Well, she did get sad sausage after I turned down her lawn sign request from above, w/me saying it would have been better if she never asked. Her reply was something along the lines of “I knew that was likely to be your answer. You couldn’t even extend me the courtesy of a nicer reply.” That’s not even it. It’s been too long, and I’d have to try to scroll back two and a half years roughly in text to get it right. I just remember the upshot was clearly to let me know how selfish I was behaving, not wanting to help her out in her time of need. She did win both political seats, one of them though by only 8 votes. She’s since given up her old seat for her new seat, where she’s been elected chairperson of that selectboard (gag me). Still a very sparkly turd!

She also did sad sausage when our two youngest kids refused to let her join us (right after D-day) at a local restaurant, because they were worried we’d get in a fight. I’m convinced I wouldn’t have, and I told the kids that, as I was still oscillating between intense anger/hurt at her, but also doing the pick-me dance. God, I was a mess. She got upset/cried on the phone when I told her their decision, and I told her that I was fine if she wanted to join us. It was the kids who didn’t want her there. That just made her cry more and get more upset because they were rejecting her. What a fuckwit.

And, I suppose you could count one of our two really frank discussions post D-day but before she officially moved out of the house and down the street w/her AP/boss thirteen days later (the second one, this was). I must have said something somewhat good to her to make her feel or fake feeling bad (can’t remember what I said or did, just that my emotions were raw at her infidelity and desire to proceed in exit-affairing me at that point). She told me that she thinks there might be something wrong w/her. Since I was still oscillating (see above), I didn’t agree w/her like I wanted to (wrong? That’s putting it mildly!). Instead, I told her I didn’t know if something was wrong w/her, but she was definitely different. That was the best I could do for the poor, sad sausage who had fucked me and our family over in such a spectacular and cliched way.

I hope this is helpful to other chumps, by showing how similar these asshole former partners can act.

Ok, now I hope we can all get some peace and love for ourselves and our families this weekend, CN. Stay safe and be well.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

Ah yes. I cheated on you and discarded you, but why won’t you help my career?

XW and I have ongoing confrontations over custody time. She asks to trade days so she can travel for work. I say I’ll take the kids (which permits her to travel) but I won’t give up my time. She periodically erupts at me over this. A couple of times – several years at least into our divorce – she has accused me of “not supporting her career”.

I did all the child care, cooking and house-minding while we were married, so she could pursue her career. She had an affair with a colleague (including physical meetings while traveling for work), broke up his marriage, and torpedoes our marriage so she could marry him. Why on earth would I be supporting her career now? She gets to keep 100% of her earnings (her principal focus while we were married) but I have to split the kids 50/50 (my principal focus while we were married). I don’t owe her anything.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

No, Involuntary Georgian, you sure as hell do not. She and my FW XW can go to hell when it comes to that type of thinking.

I hope your kids appreciate their dad. May you be well on your way to meh, Tuesday and happiness in general. You and your family.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
3 years ago

And she doesn’t pay child support? Wow!
My X made a custody schedule arranged completely around his work schedule. Then he changed that schedule according to his “needs” as they came along. It took only one time of him showing up 2 hours late for me to shut that shit down.

Fortunately, we were still in negotiations. I wrote a proposal in which I agreed to a pittance of support if he agreed to let me move out of state with her. He consented because he’s short sighted and money hungry. Now we don’t have to worry about his precious schedule or supposed “needs,” and my daughter doesn’t have to be hurt over and over again by his overarching selfishness!

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Shit. I forgot about her not paying child support to Involuntary Georgian. That sucks. My FW XW left me at my lowest earning point ever, so, after trying to fight me over $126/month and change for that at our divorce stipulation negotiations, she is now paying me over $200 a month because she got promoted by the department she works for in our state’s government. She asked me to give her proof I was still making the same salary at that point. I refused. I wasn’t asking her for more.

So she’s been paying this higher amount these past couple of years, w/no info from me on my salary (except when I informed her I’d been furloughed, and we might have to re-examine things. All I got was crickets. Oh, well. Fuck her).

It does make me laugh though. For the majority of our marriage, I was the one bringing home the big paycheck, which allowed her to do pretty much anything she wanted. I feel like to a certain extent, it’s payback time, after the shitty way she fucked me and the family over.

Hope you’re doing well, ChumpQueen! Best wishes to you and your family.????

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

I would have immediately gone out and plastered the house, yard and car with her oppenents campaign signs!

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

That would have been a great idea. Except I didn’t want to alienate the kids by attacking their mom in such an outright manner. But I really like your thinking!

Thanks for caring enough to think of that, Skunkcabbage. Wishing you all the best, and your family, too. Stay safe, and be well.

Boudicca
Boudicca
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

I would say that I would “love to” put up her campaign sign, except that I am running for that position also!!!
Just to see her face, just to watch her connect the dots, wondering if your campaign will include that she is a cheater… (btw, the kids are all voting for me!) —-Lol- getting really silly now, since kids, obvs, can’t vote (and you wouldn’t mix the kids up in that craziness anyway).
Also, you are NOT above taking the campaign low ????????????
I would be especially gratified if she started pointing out all the reasons I can’t run for her office. If she started panicking, running around telling people not to vote for me, trying to get ahead of the cheating narrative I was never planning on using in the first place. I would just laugh.
Huh, and then of course I wouldn’t run (after all, you are too good for that crowd).
I don’t know, it would just amuse me.
I would say, “but you inspired me!” Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?
ALSO- could she put your campaign poster on her lawn??? It would really help a guy out…

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

lol. I Love this!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

What? She wanted you to put up a lawn sign for her campaign? On your lawn?

No. Nope. Nopety nope. Oh, hell to the no.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I couldn’t agree more, Lovedajackass. Thanks for being outraged on my behalf. I hope all is well for you and your family. Best wishes, and stay safe!????

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

I think politicians are 99.99% narcissistic sociopaths anyway, and your ex certainly doesn’t fall into the *possible* 1% that may not be.

This bitch had the colossal *gall* to expect you to put her campaign poster on your lawn? After what she did? And then has even more colossal to lecture you on the ethics of your refusal?

These people just boggle the mind.

I’d have said yes, though, then added to the poster, the cheating lying whore who… then added a list of all the egregious things she did. Plus the most unflattering pic of her I could find. ????????????

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

My brother said “tell her yes! But only if it says Crazy Person Running For Office!” That was the most polite thing I would have put, had I acquiesced. Nope. No fucking way was I putting up a sign to help her out. chumpnomore6, you’re absolutely on target. I thought the same thing when she did this. These people boggle the mind. She certainly boggled mine. I could not believe her gall. Un-fucking-believable.

Thanks for the kind words, and best wishes to you and your family.????

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Susan Devlin

Ugh. Absolutely horrible, HORRIBLE assholes. Susan Devlin, many hugs to you and a lot of friendly love. Good God, where do these people come from? And why are the good people of CN visited by them? No shame on their parts either, the fuckwits. No they’re not like us, that’s for sure. We may not be perfect (who the fuck is even close?!), but good Lord, we never treated them this shitty. Or anyone else, come to think of it.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susan Devlin

Susan lovely, I’m always glad to read something from you because you become more and more mighty every time! But I hate how you seem to be surrounded by these creatures ???? hope yr well and happy hun ❤

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
3 years ago

They live in my area, a few are my neighbours, men are seen as superior by women.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago

Yes, these people are horrifying.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago

I guess over having had to put the kibosh on his sexploits – ie, kibble factory – he moped and moped around til I finally asked what was wrong…
” I just feel like, when we were out last night, like “here you are, the best looking woman there…what’s she doing with me? Am I her old shoe? Just a comfortable old shoe?”

Geezus! Sorry dude, you don’t get to sneak around ogling girls half my age for ego infusions, then expect the same from me.
Yeah, even comfortable old shoes get thrown out eventually. But you got thrown out because you ceased to be comfortable. And you stank

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

Chump Lady,

You have the most uncanny ability to post exactly what I’m grappling with at the exact time! Here is the long list of pity:

-She feels really bad that she broke up our marriage
-She’s just really vulnerable
-She wants me, not her boyfriend, so I paid to move her boyfriend out of her apartment (with our marital money)
-When I kicked him out and he had to move into an apartment and buy some shit to furnish it he said, “this is so hard”
-Then, “The washing machine at my apartment doesn’t work very well so I can’t wash (our child’s) clothes”
-From his lawyer in a letter – FormerlyKnownAs drives a better car than my client and FormerlyKnownAs lives in a well-appointed home while asshat has to rent (by the way, he completely abandoned our mortgage, I pay ALL of the outgoing expenses. Yes, it’s legal to do that in this country so I have no legal recourse)
-From his lawyer-Asshat lost his job so he’s economically disadvantaged while FormerlyKnownAs has a good job (yes, because I HAVE to have a job to pay the mortgage, the bills, and all the child expenses, and I’m not an asshole so I’m still employable)
-When missing events at school = I have bad allergies
-When he got fired from our business by the other partners = it was a “witch hunt”
-According to him, the reason our marriage broke up was because I was controlling, a bad communicator and I wasn’t sexual enough to meet his S&M “needs” (his fantasies were always “needs”)
-He’s sad because “I’ve blocked him from the home”. He’s never asked to come in.

There are probably more. Before DDay, I now reflect back and I remember watching him in business meetings. He always opened with something like, “Hey, I’m sorry I’m not at my best today, I didn’t sleep well last night.” It was weird, but now I realize that he used pity so that people would be like, “oh, poor guy, cut him some slack he didn’t sleep.” An attempt to cover up for what he couldn’t do. I put up with this for years and years and years.

ClearView
ClearView
3 years ago

OH! FormerlyKnownAs! Thank you for sharing! Every single word of your story is also mine. Nothing new under the Chump’s Sun, huh? In particular, I’ve not shared this bit of my own story with anyone before: That part of my DDay was learning that my husband had paid for his AP to move out of her shared apartment with her boyfriend and paid her rent and expenses for the 4 months since. He’d done this, November thru February’s DDay, having said that we didn’t have budget for Christmas expenses because of health expenses for our youngest son. And of course, Chumpy Heart that I am, I believed it and felt terribly guilty for it. Geez. Anyway, I am so sorry this was part of your experience and discovery. All Tuesdays to you.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearView

I can’t believe how selfish that is to spend that money when your family needed it. The depths they go to still amazes me. Yes, bring on that Tuesday!

Champignon
Champignon
3 years ago

After I was gutted like a fish with news he had manny affairs.
Heb told me he was hurting too.
“We can cuddle and get drunk and I still can leave in the morning.”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Champignon

Good grief, the saddest of sausages.

Champignon
Champignon
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

He is real a selfish sade sausages

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Champignon

Champignon– was that a typo or a Freudian slip? “(De) Sade” sausage, as in the Marquis de Sade, history’s namesake sadist? What a monster.

Champignon
Champignon
3 years ago

Ugh a Typo.
STBX made me watch that movie Quills
because he liked it. I thought it was really weird movie.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Champignon

Champignon– Very telling that he liked that unwatchable and blatantly whitewashed piece of garbage.

When I read some of the #MeToo coverage of actor Geoffrey Rush’s sexual abuse of women, I remembered that I had a bad feeling about his choice to star in that film. I’ve also felt sour towards Kate Winslet’s choice of working with notorious directors like Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as that movie.

The film was supposed to be about freedom of expression but I can’t help but wonder if there was another historical figure– ANY historical figure– that could have been used to make the case. Perhaps Rush will soon star as Adolph Hitler in the story of Hitler’s heartwarming and underappreciated love of dogs.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Champignon

Wow. I’m sure you were THRILLED w/that idea! I mean, it’s a great idea, right? Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to deal w/that. Lots of hugs to you, Champignon. Better days w/out that fuckwit.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Champignon

Oh yeah. I’m sure it was very horrible for him. Poor baby! I forgot from my long list above. He wrote in an email, “I’m having so much trouble at the thought of losing you.” Yeah, right. After cheating on me for 13 years I’m sure it was hard to finally lose me.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Yes, I’m sure he was.???? You know, we just don’t understand how hard (and stressful!) it was for them to fuck us over AND keep it a secret for so long (mine was supposedly only 3-4 months of actual affair). I don’t know where it came from, but I had a little bit of insight on D-day to the FW XW’s thinking. I told her I’d bet she was feeling relieved, not having to deceive me anymore. She told me I had no idea how good it felt, or something like that. My God, what a horrible person she is. So is your ex. May they both experience hell going forward. They certainly didn’t mind putting us thru it.????

Best wishes to you, FormerlyKnownAs. Let’s keep movin’ on up, w/out our respective fuckwits. May meh and Tuesday come ASAP for you. Stay safe and well, both you and your family.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

Thanks thelongrun. On DDay I also got glimpses of his “relief”. That’s how I learned how extensive the cheating was. It was like he enjoyed playing back to me all that he’d done and he got it off his chest. His mood lifted and he set about making plans to leave. But, that’s when he turned mean and nasty and he’s been abusive ever since. Your ex sounds as selfish as the rest of these cheaters too. Take care out there.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?????” when I finally filed a DV complaint against him, had him arrested and he was handed his ass in court!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
3 years ago
Reply to  Attie

EXWW after DV arrest and conviction, “my work can’t give me a promotion with this, don’t you feel a little bit sorry about it?”. Comment was after leaving me and our 3 kids to move in with AP. “Not one bit”

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago

My FUU likes playing the sad sausage. Which is funny because in turn, I like turning up the heat.

*sniffs*

Ah, the scent of ego going up in smoke.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Excellent way of putting it!

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

I may have done this one before. Not to me, but to our eldest daughter (then 19) and our son (then 17), when Ex-Wife worked out that the children were not quite as enamoured as she was with her AP.

“It would be completely different if your father had a girlfriend; I bet you’d all love her. It is not fair. You not wanting to have anything to do with ***** is putting pressure on my relationship with him and may cause us to break up. If we do it will be your fault.”

I think the fact that she tried to sad sausage our own children to make them engage with the AP against their wishes makes it even worse.

LFTT

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago

My ex wasn’t quite so direct. He just told son who is having trouble learning how to be ex’s definition of “civil” to Schmoopie “I just want the pain to end”. The implication is that son is causing him pain. Never mind the pain ex caused by blowing up his family.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
3 years ago

LFTT…. you just told my kids’ story with their dad.

They really are all the same. Horrid.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

Oh yeah, gaslighting children! Mine said, “because you refuse to meet my girlfriend, I really miss her when you’re staying with me.” My daughter has never gotten over this comment. Pricks.

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago

Oh my shit these stories! I have mile long links of sad sausage Fredo pulled with me as that is his main channel, but not the kids. Oh! With one maaaybe exception. He asked eldest as they were driving home alone together “you’ll always love me no matter what (child), won’t you?” This was after the whoring started but before discovery though so I don’t know if that counts. Kid looks back on that now with massive annoyance.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

From Kevin Kline in “A Fish Called Wanda”: “ASSHOLE!”

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

Oh yes that too. The exasshat put our grown daughter in the car, lying about where they were going and brought her to the Whore’s house. Nice move asshole!

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

My Ex-Wife asked eldest daughter to come and visit (the kids live with me and not her), as she was missing her. Lo and behold her AP (who lives 50 miles away) happened to be at Mum’s house by “just by chance.”

Things did not go as smoothly as Ex-Wife thought they would.

They really are morons aren’t they?

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

Yes they are selfish morons. I’ve had to warn my daughter that she will probably be blindsided one day with the girlfriend so be prepared. The reason I’ve prepared her is also that I am in my 50s, have naturally curly hair, I’m fair and small and I look like a woodland fairy. The girlfriend is about 30, is pierced and tattooed, looks anorexic, wears black, has strange teeth and has a very short flat top dyed red. I’m worried my daughter will lose her mind when she sees the contrast of this weird thing he’s with who is all hard edged while her mom is so soft and bohemian! She might just burst out laughing like everyone else does who sees them together!!

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
3 years ago

You sound lovely! Rockin’ the woodland fairy boho look at 50–you go!

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
3 years ago

Selfish fucker!

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

Thankfully my daughter shut that sh*t right down with “Mum, this is not a me/brother/sister problem, this is a you problem.”

She rocks and I am very proud of her ability to stand up to her Mum when she all too frequently needs to.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago

Good for your daughter! Clearly you had a role in raising her.

Daretoask
Daretoask
3 years ago

My cheater does have a bad back and spent 3 hours every Saturday for 2 years getting (apparently) the only therapeutic massage that ever helped him. When I finally clued in to their affair, he said:

But she’s the only one who can help my back. If you don’t believe me, you can come and watch.

ozchic
ozchic
3 years ago
Reply to  Daretoask

Ewwww!!!! That’s pathological.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Daretoask

Holy shit

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago
Reply to  Daretoask

Eeek!

ClearView
ClearView
3 years ago

“She’s very intimidated by you and feels insecure . . . that’s hard for me.” This, said by my now-XH, on DDay; he, age 53, about the AP, age 23.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearView

Gross

SheChump
SheChump
3 years ago

I just got, “How could YOU have gone behind MY back!!! I thought we’d agreed to separate instead.”

ha ha ha

SheChump
SheChump
3 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

…just after he was handed Divorce Papers from his attorney…

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearView

Yeah, fuckwit said to me, “rat faced whore is scared of you”. Didn’t add ‘that’s hard for me’ though, probably because he knew I wouldn’t give a fuck. ????

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I heard that she was terrified I was going to come to their workplace and sit in the parking lot to attack her when she came out. I mean, obviously not scared enough to stop fucking my husband…but…

Wouldn’t he have loved that? A cat fight over him? I responded drily that as someone with a college degree and who ran a multimillion dollar business, I wasn’t accustomed to fighting hoes in parking lots.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Beans

“Wouldn’t he have loved that?”

I know, they all would love that. It was the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of fighting over him like that. Oh don’t get me wrong I did the “pick me dance” when it first happened, but I didn’t do anything that I wasn’t entitled to do as a wife.

I didn’t do that for long though. when he moved out a couple weeks later, I went stone NC. The only time I broke that was about a week later, when I called him and said you wanted the divorce I want you to file and do it now. So after trying to convince me to file, I said no you can do this for me. It would make me feel better if you filed since you wanted the D. So he did. I knew he wanted me to file so he could say, I tried to work it out, but she dumped me. He was still trying to keep the whore under wraps. He was kidding himself, everyone on the PD knew. (I didn’t know until Dday)

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

What is wrong with young women today. going after men three times their age. I mean I know it was common in the wealthy circles, for older men to essentually buy the affections of a young girl. But, now it seems they will wallow for next to noghing.

Not assuming C6, maybe your ex is a rich charmer.

But, I wonder if it is because so many young men today don’t marry or pay the bills.

In my fuckwits case, I have no doubt she was after the paycheck, at least in the beginning because he was not her first married man rodeo. He was one of several. The rest of them just weren’t stupid enough to fuck their direct report. She wasn’t a lot younger 35 to his 40, but still she either couldn’t or wouldn’t go for a single guy. Or maybe a single guy woudn’t go for her. At least not one that could pay the bills.Who knows.

Fuckwit isn’t rich, but he did skim a lot of marriage funds to help her pay bills. While I had to watch the money, you know because money was tight.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

There’s a Vanity Fair article on how the student loan crisis has created a generation of let’s-not-call-it-prostitution prostitutes, also known as the “girl/boyfriend” experience. https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2016/07/welcome-to-the-new-prostitution-economy

In other reports, there are 3 million college students, 5% of NYU grad and undergrad students, mostly young women and young gay or bi men, involved in “sugaring” to pay rent or tuition or to afford the semblance of a lifestyle that they grew up thinking they were entitled to. But apparently it’s a bit of a desperate slog and participants are mostly barely getting by while still facing the same risks of prostitution– violence, murder, STDs, etc. Some have to forego the pretense and become full-fledged escorts to make ends meet.

The strange new blurring of what constitutes prostitution is likely a result of the fact that the coming of age generation of middle class and upper middle class are failing but still resistant to calling themselves escorts and hookers because their families retain community standing. And there’s more blurring from there. 22% of single women admit to going on a date just to get a free meal these days. In expensive cities, entry level salary for many professions barely pays the bills.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago

Crisis and Covid are not to blame. I did my PhD 20 years ago at one of the world’s top universities. Plenty of both female and male escorts around then. Some pearls: Yes, I started as a non- sex escort (to business dinners) but I go paid so well that I thought it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t offer something more (female).

I started because I didn’t have money but now I also have a lot of expenses, for facials and suits etc. (male).

No further comment necessary.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

Watch the French film “Elles” with Juliette Binoche which addresses this reality. Or don’t-it should really be rated X for the violence against women.
I met one of these sugar babies in CoDA. She dropped out of college and started working as a webcam girl. “So that’s where the retirement fund went ! Cheater doesn’t even have to leave the house,just put coins in the proverbial slot while he jerks off !”
She broke anonymity during fellowship after a meeting. She explained how just an image of one’s credit card can be used to fabricate another one. A lowlife criminal. And she plans on becoming a therapist.
Ask a lot of questions when interviewing your therapist. Run a background check.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago

These chicks must have strong stomachs.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

It’s no wonder sex workers usually end up with addiction problems. They have to numb out to pretend and perform.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

One of CN’s citizens called one of these women a cum dumpster. Gross but fitting.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Whenever I hear of a 50 plus year old man and a twenty something woman, I automatically wonder what she is getting in compensation. I am guessing, lots of good stuff. I am also guess she has a young stud on the side, and the old goat is clueless, or maybe he knows and doesn’t care.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Interesting. I have read about some of that.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

It sure seems that all the guys my age (over 50) aren’t interested in woman their age. (The only dates I’ve been asked out on in the past 5 years have been by guy’s in their 60 and 70’s looking for a nurse and a purse.)

The guys my age are interested in the 20-30 years younger woman. Yes these girls have better bodies and are so eager to please. And I think its the latter, more so than the former, that makes them so irrestiable for these types of men. A mature woman can see right through their bullshit and expects them to step up and do the relationship work. A young woman is much more likely to just let the older man lead because he’s “older and wiser”.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

Oh I get the guys attraction, I just don’t get the young womans attraction. I was not in the least attracted to old men when I was young and pretty.

My H is 9.5 years older than me, but I was 40 and he was 50 when we met. He definately was not interested in a 20 something woman. We were together for 4.5 years before we got married. Neither of us were even thinking of marriage for a long while. Both had been hurt.

They are out there, and honestly they are the better men. At least from my experience.

MehTuesdayhasarrived
MehTuesdayhasarrived
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Here is some new math to ponder……
If fuckwit is 62 and his girlfriend is 26, How much money does fuckwit have?

kellyp
kellyp
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Single guys aren’t going to hit crazy unless it’s really really attractive.
On the other hand, OW are always damaged goods. Any single woman with other options will take them.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

THIS↑↑! Strippers and whores are an expensive hobby, ya know. I think I’ve told my post D-Day candy aisle showdown story before. The nerve of that dude to complain about an ‘expensive’ $2 bag of gummy worms, when he’d been paying $200 to put HIS gummy worm in ‘Candy’.????????

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
3 years ago

I let myself (and my kids, which I bitterly regret) in for months of pain when he lost his rented room, then his rented cottage, and both times I let him back in the spare room so he didn’t have to live in his car. It was hopium, but I regret it. When he asked for amother chance this year (having previously mentioned he was running out of money) I said no way, but I wish I could’ve been stronger earlier. And he’d spent years talking about wanting to live in a van (very cool here in Cornwall), when it came to it he just couldn’t do it ????

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

Good for you! Why the hell should you take him back? Unbelievable that they think we are somehow so much better off!

Louise Jefferies
Louise Jefferies
3 years ago

I refused his dream plan of living on a boat when we married. 26 years later he won’t solve the split up housing crisis by living on a canal boat whilst I stay in the house until our youngest son leaves home. He’d be jealous of my higher standard of living.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Oh my Louise J, about four years before Dday, when he was still lying to me; he said when he retires he wants to sell the house buy a bigger boat and live on it. I said “I am not living on a boat” I was at age 40 just getting starting working full time and I wanted to see what I could accomplish. I asked him how I was supposed to get back aned forth to work if we lived on a boat. (He could retire at age 52) I don’t remember his answer, but I am sure he didn’t care. He may have already been ephing schmopie by then, and planning on me supporting them while he and schmoopie took romantic cruises.

Anyway fast forward, he and schmoopie live in a fixer upper trailer in FL, and spend a lot of time in their old RV. So I guess he is living the dream.

Good for him, and I really do hope he enjoys it, as for me; I will take my paid off little brick house, with my sweet H, and we have gone on several cruises and trips. We don’t have an RV though. We stay in a motel and I don’t cook. In fact when the H asked me years ago, if I wanted an RV or campter, I said as long as it doesn’t have a kitchen, whatever you want. He just laughed.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

Two instances stand out (probably because they’re the only two SS attempts — rage is definitely her default)

1. Hours after the confrontation in the driveway with the Carrot Singer, she stood in our bedroom and said, “Well . . . I guess I’ve become the one thing I said I would never be. A cheater. I’m a cheater.” She paused, then she made the “please come comfort me” face she’d perfected over 15 years. I just stood there, fighting every urge to respond with “Yes. You’re a cheater. What are you going to do about it.” When I didn’t come back with a hug and an, “Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get it worked out,” she crept off to another part of the house to brood.

2. The day after I finally said “enough!,” she told our daughters, without me present, that we were getting divorced. That instigated the first sparks of gray rock in me, as I started to deadpan every look and answer questions with one-syllable responses. After Day 2 of this, she burst out with: “You know, I’m not just happily skipping down the lane, you know!!” (a pathetic derivative of “I’m hurting too!” and “You’re not the only one suffering here!”) At Day 4 she repeated it, word for word — again, no response. It was at that point I think that she realized Sad Sausage wasn’t going to work, so she went to Rage Channel and tore the knob off the set. (At Day 9, the “happy lane skipping” commenced, as she spent her entire first date with the Chlorine Special in a hotel room.)

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes! The XAss used to do the I’ll lable myself something and she’ll rush over and tell me I’m not and comfort me bit. Yeah, he knew that jig was played out when instead I just stood there and gave him the raised eye-brow look – “Yeah, and tell me something else I don’t know.” He then would bail and do the silent treatment.

So Done
So Done
3 years ago

“She doesn’t want an affair; she wants a real relationship.”

There are so many layers of WTF with that statement, the first of which is — on what planet did my Ex live that he thought I gave a rat’s a$$ what his AP wanted.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Oh yep. I got that one too! Mine went so far as to say that the OW was so lonely and now she’s found someone. Um, yeah, she found MY husband.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Every hetero prostitute dreams of meeting the prince with an investment portfolio who’ll sweep her away from “all that” and marry her. The heroin addict who just bashed the old lady and stole her purse and wedding ring dreams of cleaning up and going straight. If only aspirations cleansed present conduct, private prisons would go out of business.

ClearView
ClearView
3 years ago
Reply to  So Done

SoDone, I laughed out loud, snortled into my coffee, at this line. Indeed, WTFFFFF. I am so sorry. Excuse me while I go change my shirt.

So Done
So Done
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearView

ClearView,

Right?????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

follow

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

“Why do you think I’m going to the doctor—I cant get it up!!.” Wow. I just said funny you never had that problem with me. And closed the door in his nasty face.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago

“You have no idea how hard work is for me. The responsibility of taking care of our family is too much for me”

This was 10 years ago last night when I asked him why he was so distant.

10 years ago this morning (6:30 am to be exact) I found out about the affair.

10 years ago next week I wanted to end my life. Today I’m strong, have my own life, am the sane parent, have a great relationship with my kids and their significant other and families. My walls sing! All those in the early days of discovery and picking thru the ashes of what they thought their lives would be, please take heart. Your future selves and your future life awaits!

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

That’s *lovely* Rebecca.

I am so glad and happy for you. ((hugs))

CL has a post on the archives, “Don’t kill yourself for a fuckwit”; these scumbags are *so* not worth all the angst and pain we expend on them.

The walls in my house are singing too. ????????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Love this story! I’m getting there too. Thanks to many inspirations here.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks CL ????
I wouldn’t be is strongly on my 2 feet if I hadn’t found you in those early days.

ClearView
ClearView
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, gorgeous story, hideous anniversaries and all. Thanks for sharing.