Apologize to Your Cheating Husband, Says Quack
If people ever think I made up the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, that it’s a wee bit overstated, consider this misogynist piece of crap that ranĀ in the Daily Mail. “Want to win back a cheating husband? You must first eat humble pie,” says “respected” marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall. (The “G” must stand for gaslighting.)
The Daily Mail tells us this is the “most unexpected” marital advice we’ll ever receive! Oh I doubt that, Daily Mail. This is really just a slightly more unvarnished bit of the same ol’ same ol’. How chumps need to make the marriage a good place to be. How our inadequacies drive people to cheat on us. And how, gee, it may seem hopeless, but if we just up our kibble game, we can WIN A CHEATER BACK! (Second prize — an all-expenses paid trip to Darfur! Third prize — a lifetime supply of rancid meat!)
So what do you got, Andrew? Lay it on me.
Here, I show how, with a bit of honesty and several servings of humble pie, women can begin the process of reviving the most unsalvageable marriage and win back the love of a cheating man.
Oh yum. Humble pie. Tastes distinctly of shit sandwich to me, but when you dress it up like pie that sounds so much nicer. I can make people — even really despicable people who are abusing me — LOVE me? And you’ll sell me the secret? Tell me more Andrew!
The first step towards recovery needs you to commit to change. And while you’ve probably said you are sorry a million times before to keep the peace, have you made a full apology? This is one that acknowledges your unhelpful behaviour (eg taking him for granted), accepts your responsibility (you’ve been so wrapped up in the children you’ve forgotten to be a wife as well as a mother), expresses sorrow and a determination to change, and is sincere.
So it WAS me all along? It wasn’t blameshifting? Goshdarnit, I’m the problem? You’re entirely correct that I never made a full apology to my cheater for paying off his debts, and financing his career move, and marrying him in front of assembled friends and family, all the while he was cheating on me. Yes, I was unhelpful, it’s true. When he threatened to kill me, those protection from abuse orders really fucked with his job security. Did I forget to be a wife? I was only a wife for six months when the mistress called, so I must’ve really sucked at that wife thing. She predated my relationship with him by about 20 years, so apparently I was sucking at wife and motherhood back in my teens. But I’ll work on my sorrow about that, Andrew. And my sincerity. I promise.
In particular, do you need to apologise for nagging, a habit that could be destroying your relationship?
“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths,” said Baroness Summerkill. Did I speak unpalatable truths to my cheaterĀ sometimes, such as “YOU’RE A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!” and did I insinuate that he needed to stop that? Yes. Yes, I’m guilty of that. The truth did destroy my relationship. That’s on me.
Acknowledge that it must make him feel constantly criticised. Promise not to nag again and that he should say something if he catches you doing it. Though it is tempting to add an explanation for your nagging, it can sound as if you’re excusing yourself and therefore lessens the power of your apology.
Ultimately, if your husband thinks you spend the majority of your time complaining, nagging or getting angry, he will feel that all the joy has been sucked out of your relationship.
Well, here you’re really on to something, Andrew. My ex-husband DID complain that I was angry, and that’s why he wasn’t sorry about his cheating. It was my anger — my anger at his cheatingā¦ that made him cheat. Um, that’s still confusing to me, but I don’t want to sound like I’m excusing myself, or lessening the power of my apologies for being angry. I own that was angry. Like gut-him-with-a-fish-knife angry. Or stick-his-head-on-a-pike-for-the-village-to-see angry. Or implode-into-a-state-of-paralzyed-depression angry. I only did the last one, but I thought about the other two.
My cheater, however, was everything you said he should be, Andrew. Every time I nagged him (stated unpalatable truths), by God, he caught me at it and spoke up. He said shit like:
- You should be medicated. Iām okay with that.
- How can I be sorry when I feel defensive?
- You need a beating.
I know he said these things, because I wrote them all down to remind myself to leave him. I didn’t have the benefit of your wisdom back then, Andrew, to wit:
Don’t ban contact with the other woman.
You write that women need to “stop being so controlling” because then “he’ll feel distrusted.” Yeah, I know it’s crazy, but I don’t trust people who cheat on me. And my spouse having side-dish fucks brings out the edgy bitch in me. I get all high maintenance and demanding when that happens. But it could be the PMS too. You know how we edgy bitches get. Never know what’s going to set our hormones off.
Don’t complain if he moves in with her.
Yeah, I didn’t get to try that.
Meet her yourself!
Or that either.
Andrew, for years I wondered why he was such an asshole. Why he felt the need to cheat on me. But today you explained it to me in a way that makes total senseā¦ if I’d had a lobotomy.
“Why has he fallen out of love with you? You put the children first… Your sex life has lost its spark.”
I didn’t have a kid with him, and we had a lot of sex. He was never not cheating on me, as it turned out, so apparently my sex life must’ve lost it’s spark around date #4 or something. I don’t know. If sex was so dull and lifeless, why did he ask me to marry him? Can that be his fault?
If your husband feels that you don’t love him, he can start to feel entitled to look elsewhere.
Yeah, turns out he was never NOT looking elsewhere. But I guess I never told him just how much I cared.
One partner – probably your husband – is feeling ignored, a second-classĀ citizen in his own home.
Only probably your husband? Are you sure about that? I think you think it’s my ex-husband that was feeling like a second-class citizen. But Andrew, I assure you if there was any sitting on the back of the bus, gender apartheid going on — it was me folding that bastard’s underwear, and cooking his dinners, and not questioning his spendthrift habits. He got the bigger cuts of meat, the best parking place, and sex when he wanted it.
But I didn’t cheat on him. So WTF Andrew?
You mustn’t panic. This is the worst thing you can do. More marriages end because of a wife’s panic than a husband’s determination to leave.
Now you tell me! I could’ve made that creep leave if I’d panicked? I couldn’t get him to leave me the fuck alone! Instead I was all strong and stiff-upper-lippy and left him on the sly. But if I’d lost my shit more dramatically, he would’ve been more determined to leave me? Good to know, Andrew. Women’s panic ends marriages. Not infidelity, folks. Panic.
So who is this Andrew G. Marshall? Apparently he has no educational credentials whatsoever, his therapy education being reduced to time spent at some charitable organization called “RELATE.” Yeah Andrew, and I’m a “journalist,” because I print flyers and stick them under people’s windshields.
I don’t think Andrew G. Marshall is real. I think he is an elaborate bit of performance art. Consider the evidence.Ā He’s inflicted his books on the public in 15 different languages, one of which isĀ “Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate and plentiful sex.”
And he’s a self-described playwright, author of such famous works as “Coffee Cantata based on the music of JS Bach which toured coffee shops in West Sussex.”
The coffee shops of West Sussex! Christ, that’s as good as La Scala. This has to be satire, right? He’s having us on, or taking the piss as you Brits say.
And can this picture be for real? Andrew G. Marshall looks like Voldemort with British dentistry. If I were to play armchair shrink, which I can because Andrew does too, I’d peg him for a malignant narcissist. A pathetic megalomaniac who can’t get laid, Prairie Vole-style or otherwise, so he has to blame women. For their anger, and not loving him enough, and their stupid, big mouths.Ā
Idiot publishers give him a voice, because he taps into the infidelity zeitgeist, which isn’t radical but the same old blame the victim shit that’s been around forever.
Somebody please keep in him the coffee shops of West Sussex and out of the newspapers. The world doesn’t need any more cheater apologists.
This column ran previously. But feel free to be outraged againĀ in the comments.
By the looks of him, it seems a scorned wife hit him upside the head with a sack of shit! This knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing reprobate needs to be beaten with a 2X4 with nails driven through it. Or at least have his fingers removed so he can’t write bullshit like this.
BTW, I’ll take third prize – rancid meat is better than a cheater any day.
WTFH? Rancid meat with maggots! Just reading all that BULLSHIT pissed me the fucking hell right off. All that shit is what the cheaters say! Blameshift, gaslight, manipulate, mislead, omit on and on and on BUT hey, you cheated on betrayed pathetic hideous house-coated old hag mother spouse, YOU look the other way if he’s still seeing his std ridden skank-a-rola! Shhhh! Not a word if he moves in with her either!
Just WTF? I don’t even have words to beat the shit outta this sick ass piƱata. GAH!!!
I had an inkling of what a vole looked like–now I know for sure……..
My apologies to the real vole animals of the world—-after a google search, I see that you are actually cute (in a fat mouse sort of way)…..
Marshall’s visage kind of reminds me of an armadillo, truth be told.
He looks like Voldemort before his morning coffee.
HAHA Ian love it ! Also Dr Goebles comes to mind š
Joseph Goebbels – notorious lothario
Not all Nazis were Cheaters, but all Cheaters are Nazis?!?
{Evil incarnate for sure}
(high five) LMAO @Ian Dubito, well done!!!
Thundering round of applause to Ian D. for the before and after pic!
gosh, which one is before and which one is after? LOL
I was thinking he would have been better off to publish a picture of rancid meat rather than that smug narc mug. Bleh. I want to kick him in his bad teeth for thinking that crap much less actually putting it in writing.
He does not appear to be a very nice man.
My darling x, love of my life, I apologize for spending too much time looking after YOUR four children and being a bit sad about my six miscarriages in five years, unsuccessful surgeries, and paying off your debts. That didn’t even get me the cheater back. Asshat. Hope she ruins his pathetic little underachiever life. Wanker.
OMFG!!! The look on his face is the same look cheaters display when you confront them with the real truth, and you don’t swallow the “humble pie/shit sandwich” they’re trying to force down your throat. What a wanker!
HA HA HA HA HA, love it Unicornslayer!
Right all my fault cause i was born happened across him at 29 fell in love he asked me to marry him spent the next 27 years devoted to him and our kids. Many many good years till he started his own business he stopped nurturing stuck his head in the sand for a few years and when he came up for air sniffed out strange and left. He always got what he wanted always. But his successes in life his glory not i took care of the house and kids and kept them busy so he could do what he wanted while working full time and helping him with his business, his dissapointments, my fault, its raining, my fault, one of many junk cars wont start, my fault, dog threw up, my fault etc. Now i have to start completely over at 60 again my fault. I know tracy doesnt promote violence but i have fun with it. The author of this article should be taken out back and shot at dawn along with all the cheaters and anyone who causes harm to others for self gratification and includes the pods these pods cheat with. Thats my thought and um sticking to it. Apologize to the cheater! Ha! Good one today tracy i spit my coffee all over and my brindle got to help me clean it up. Hes a little wired now but way better than the company of asswipe.
WTF?!??
I just can’t… This guy…
Ah ha! Maybe it’s the opposite of CN. It’s Narc Nation and he’s their representative? Give me your liars, your cheaters, your misunderstood jackasses! An excuse for every late work night and an OW in every bed! I’ve figured it out.
Douchebag.
HAW HAW HAW HAAW Narc Nation, HA W HAWW HAW side splitting laughing my ass off….
Narc Nation. Another name for the RIC. Exactly!
Megalomaniac who can’t get laid- Bingo! My thoughts exactly. Oh, how the world needs another Doc Dickhead spewing misogynist garbage to excuse cheating . But wait! He forgot to tell us to apologize for getting older, too! If we just wouldn’t age they wouldn’t have to go looking for tight little twatwaffles have their age.
It really IS all on us. Every bit of it. š
CD – I’m with you, Doctor Dickhead is right! I had a visceral reaction to reading Doctor Dickead’s swath of frothy vomit! And some people wonder why we might have feelings of violence? We don’t commit those acts of violence (even though the cheaters commit plenty of violent acts), but how can anyone not rage against this nonsense? Hideous words of “b-advice.” I’m bettin Sweet Jesus even rolled his eyes.
Sounds like the voice of a cheater justifying his actions.
Without doubt! Also zeitgeist.
I bought TWO of his books. I read them religiously. I underlined the important bits so that cheater ex husband wouldn’t have to waste his precious time reading all of it.
I guess the books really helped me, though. The ex always had an excusewhy he was too busy to actually open either book. His failure to do so was part of what made me realise there was only one person trying to save our marriage. I’m happily divorced now.
I was an amazon chump too. Read all the books and I gave the ex the cliff notes version because “he didn’t even like to read about things he enjoyed.” Yup, epic chump here. I own it. Not anymore. I kicked his entitled, illiterate ass to the curb and I now enjoy a fucktard free life!
CS, I bought audio versions so cheater ex could listen to it since he spent a lot of time on the road for his job. I still shake my head when I think that I actually wanted to be with that douche bag.
Wait, Swede-Chump—-you asked him to read the books? Well, that would have been nagging, and nagging is explicitly forbidden. Now, we know why your strategy didn’t work! I am sure if you had just followed Mr. Marshall’s advice more carefully, your straying EX would have abandoned all of his lying, stealing, cheating ways and returned home so you could rub his feet, peel his grapes, write odes to his wonderfulness, and abase yourself before him as proof that you were a good wife.
What a tragedy that you had to divorce him and live a happy life instead.
WHY must the chumps be the ones to apologize? When is it the cheater’s turn to do all the groveling for the marriage? When do they realize the ramifications of their actions?
I truly despise the notion that “had I been the best person possible” my husband would not have done what he did!! Some people make decisions that make themselves alone happy and then start viewing their spouse as the reason for cheating. Blame shifting happens because they cannot possibly be the terrible person they truly are; it MUST be my SO’s fault.
Argh!!!!!!!!!!
While in ‘Pick Me Dance Mode’ with both STBX and ex-boyfriend (oddly a fellow chump and friend of several decades) who I dated after STBX left, I apologized for anything I might have done (cried too much over tragedies (e.g, terminal illness, chronic injury in my family), not cut the sandwiches at a diagonal?) to make these guys unhappy enough to stray/decide to leave the relationship. Result: my face (figuratively) got stepped on harder. (Still baffled about why they didn’t express their dissatisfaction (desire for cake, wimpiness, passive-aggressiveness?) before the relationship blew up one to ten years later.) I must keep telling myself that, not financially and physically, but at least emotionally, I am better off without these less-than-honest losers, even if they look like great father/husband material to most of society.
Rock Star Wife, that’s ex to a tee. All for show. That’s what people don’t get, you never really know a person til you are in a long term intimate relationship. And I’m not talking about sex. I mean really seeing their character. Or lack thereof.
I have never seen a book or an article designed to help a once cheating spouse to reconcile with their partner.
Just getting back to that schoolyard bully theory…….
I have…at emotionalaffair.com. The focus is on how to help the chump heal. I was all for my husband doing those things, in order to prove he valued me, our marriage, our children. But he just kept proving he wasn’t a unicorn and expecting me to eat the crap sandwich as he complained about how I kept bringing up the past, and how he hated to have to spend time with me, and how he wasn’t going to apologize again (“Sorry, then!”) or admit to everything he’d done. I can hardly wait until I’ve saved up enough money for the divorce, now that the bankruptcy period is about over.
Oh, I had that double-decker shit sandwich, too! Divorce, and bankruptcy, fun, all at the same time! 3+ years later, I’m still paying for ‘our’ bankruptcy all by myself. That’s OK, I live up to my obligations, and I have enough to afford it, but Jeeeze- he can always be counted on to be irresponsible! I will sure be glad when the bk is over. If I could go back 35 years and tell my young self a secret to happiness, it might be “make sure your life partner can keep a job, and handle money. Life will be so much easier!”
Applying that logic — the cheater isn’t being the “best person” they can be — so why aren’t you cheating?
Agreed ChumpLady ā Voldemort is bloody twisted. He’s also a fogazzi.
Cheaters are always trying to find love – the rest of us are just trying to love the one we found.
“Cheaters are trying to find love while we are trying to love the one we found. ” Thats it in a nutshell
Pretty sure this is just clickbait to get pageviews via outrage. And he doesn’t even seem like a real person…more like “Andrew G. Marshall” is one of those fake monikers to represent a team of writers, like “Carolyn Keene” (Nancy Drew) or “Franklin W. Dixon” (The Hardy Boys). Still, even if he’s not real, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach after reading his bullshit is real. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
He was trained by the British national counseling service. I honestly think they have a national policy to encourage marriages to stay together at all costs. Their taxes are high and social mobility is more limited. If they encourage break ups, broken families may end up on the dole. And their country can’t afford it.
My STBXH’s OW is a divorced Brit. He had a fling with her and she would not go away. Blackmailed him, told him she was having trouble supporting her kids. He refuses to see it for what it is. He loves being the knight in shining armor, buying things for her kids that their father supposedly can’t. Thinks she simply adores him.
^ Lawd. THIS.
Oooh, click through to his website. New picture with SOUL PATCH/GOATEE hybrid. All he needs is a fedora.
On his website, scroll down to the “What They Say” part…if you can stomach it! Gack!
Those poor people (the ones who read his books).
Goatee? GAH! You can’t unsee the seen. 1
Now I feel the need to apologize to the serial cheating pathological lying narcissist. I was lost.
Yes, I am guilty of going upstairs and spending two hours rocking a child who was teething at a party I was hosting. Once she calmed down I DID catch him in a bedroom kissing my best friends sister. Those dam teeth got in his way. Two hours? A screaming child? Guilty as charged. Linda was my fault after all.
And being pregnant was a real killer too. Marshall, he got crabs after his first child was born and was cheating with a MOW during the second pregnancy. Bringing her to the hospital and my home afterwards was rather entitled I must say. I now know she too was pregnant at the time. Somewhere there is a guy named Mike who raised someone else’s child for six years until he died. Should I take responsibility for that also? I did after all nag when my child was seeing a heart specialist. Guilty again.
He wasn’t getting attention when I was working three jobs to buy a home either. Karen was the solution.
So many women. I sucked at the child care thing. I should have spent my time soothing the man who never developed instead. No worries, he is where he belongs now. The children did get in the way however he no longer sees them. They do come in handy for supply now and then.
I’m so very happy to know I’m responsible for making him into an entitled narc. I guess it is my fault he’s living in a dump with a classless raging bar whore, losing his business, depressed with rising debt, and no way out. I’m just a selfish nagging bitch. I dumped him.
Donna, your nags are extremely powerful. I am duly impressed.
I think you should join the FBI or X-Men or Gotham city council and put those powers to good use protecting the innocent, good people of this earth.
JK I have absolutely no regrets doing what mattered to me and it’s my chikdren who are thankful for every sacrifice I made in hindsight. They were my strongest supporters during the divorce and see him for the the narcissist he is. I won in the best way possible. And he threw upin the washing machine. Nothing worse than a drunk cheater. What’s up with the washing machines?
Buddy, my super powers gave him just what he asked for, a divorce. Feels good to wear my cape.
I’m glad for how your children feel about you. Remember, that did not just happen. You earned it.
Donna – I probably get this as well as anyone. Never look back. You did what grown-ups and caring parents are supposed to do. Unfortunately, you married and stayed with an entitled, irresponsible, and unappreciative POS. I did too (though my POS was a wife).
That said, I am so grateful for the lifetime of memories with my children that are stored in my mind that make me smile. They are like favorite books I can open any time get lost in over and over. I am so proud of myself for the father I was to those kids – and it has been the privilege of my life. I’m sure you feel the same way.
You miss out on those memories when you stay up at work at night during the years your kids are growing up fucking your boss on top of your desk or on the washing machine in vacant apartments. In the end, we won.
I agree. I have the equivalent of a FaceBook NewsFeed in my own head, filled with all the memories of the good times. I can hit “Like” at any memory and revisit it. My Ex’s loss. When my children and I get together we laugh and review not only memories but hopes and dreams for the present and future. I’m sorry my Ex has no memories.
You earned them, he didn’t. They belong to you, as they should.
Wow wow wow, this I why I hate the daily mail, the paper that coined the term “council estate face lift” after a woman campaigning for justice for her murdered nephew was on a low income and had a tight pony tail.
This is also why I hate relate, he organised our MC and it was the shittest experience ever. I walked out
MidlifeBlast, I concur.
The Daily Mail AKA The Daily Fail.
As for Relate, anytime I hear anyone mention it, it’s quickly followed by the disclaimer: “It doesn’t have a very good reputation, though.”
No wonder with jokers like Marshall-Voldemort as a counsellor.
This is the most disgusting piece of garbage. It’s so infuriating. The audacity. Oh I’m so mad because this is how these filthy cheaters really feel.
This UBT has got to be one of your best chump lady!!!! Laughing nearly the entire way through it. What a great morning laugh. He’s so far gone even the Reconciliation Industrial Complex would think he’s nuts. The best part “panic” could end a relationship. Oh man. Your response about if I’d only panicked he would have left me alone. Love it. I need to save this for future laughs. And the picture. Icing on the cake. I’m considering this my “cake” this morning. Well done.
I watched a psychologist talk about the most dangerous people on the planet and that they have a look of contempt. He has that exact look! Very scary!
Yes Chris!! He does have that look of contempt. He also has the look of a cross between Austin Powers and Mini-me.
Voldemort with British dentistry – that made my morning!
I have an article titled “The 10 most desirable traits in human beings” that I share with my children – regularly – to remind them about how the choices they make determine the kind of people they will become. At the top of the list – integrity. Here’s what we read:
“The true definition of integrity comes from the Latin word integritas, which means āwholeā or āintact.ā It encumbers all the traits that make a truly āgoodā person, such as honesty, being incorruptible, straight and morally upright.
A person with integrity wonāt lie, will keep their word and wonāt screw you over. They wonāt go behind your back, badmouth you, go after another personās partner or cheat on you, and they adhere to a code of ethics that may make them predictable, but safe to the heart and oneās sanity. No unpleasant surprises come from someone with a high sense of integrity. They follow a code of ethics that tends to be, as the word suggests, incorruptible, and they adhere to principles of common decency.”
So Voldemort with British dentistry falls VERY short on the measure of integrity.
I found that article…excellent advice and a great thing to share with children! Thanks
blessingindisguise!!
Wrapped up with children, and forgotten to be a wife, poor neglected cheater feels I don’t love him, he feels entitled to go elsewhere.., it’s inevitable, don’t nag and whatever you do, you mustn’t panic, it’s the worst thing you can do, so many marriages end because of a wife’s panic than the husbands determination to leave. WTF??
Darn, what was I thinking? no wonder Cheater cheated, I’m guilty of all these faults and more.
Yes, Unicornslayer, the look on Andrew’s face is the same look cheaters have when confronted with the truth. By the looks of his nose, teeth, ears and shape of his head I think he’s been beaten and hit upside the head with a 2X4, I can’t imagine why..,
Could Andrew really be married? love to see who this lucky women is.
That motherfucker
Succinct, and to the point ; )
+1
Way to go, CL. As you always say, if I was such a bad wife, it would have made sense for him to leave. Cheating – deceiving, sneaking, risking my health, being sexually aroused by getting away with all of those things – and staying married to me, that behavior doesn’t make any sense, unless the actual goal is… Yep, cake.
Entitlement much, Andrew?
This article is just baldfaced bullying. It incites abuse by encouraging targets of abuse to have no boundaries at all, to welcome the abuse, to nurture the abuse, to aid and abet the abuser.
Ye Gloria, imagine if it was domestic violence “whatever you do, don’t react to the hitting, or even mention it. Don’t panic and let him carry on as much as he wants, you may win him back!!”
Brilliant. “Just keep apologising through your bloody broken teeth while you’re curled up on the fetal position on the floor. The repeated kicks to your skull and subsequent loss of consciousness is no excuse to stop you from really expressing how very sorry you are for not living up to his important expectations. Jaw and tongue too swollen to speak? Crawling to the fridge and making him his favourite sandwich can buy you enough time for the blood in your mouth and the swelling in your throat to subside enough so you can get down to the urgent business of apologising to him and offering to go pick up his much-preferred-over-you girlfriend and bring her to the house and getting your ugly toothless face out to the garage to sleep, so they can share a six pack and screw on the sofa. Remember how lucky you are that this very important man is even in your life.”
OMG!!! I cried reading your story HopeandGloria! HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!
The UBT is really getting an amazing workout lately, CL! I’ve coined the last few posts “pretzel logic week!”
It is so useful to remember that to an entitled cheater, the loss of cake eating feels like oppression. Therefore, the cheater will expect and work super hard to restore the previously unbalanced, deceitful (and oh so kibble-rich) state of the relationship, and hide better the next time around.
If new chumps come here today, welcome to the club no one wants to join! We all have felt the pain of our life imploding before our eyes, the confusion between who our spouse turns out to be (as opposed to our hopium-filled perception of who we thought our spouse was), and the incredibly difficult task to divorce a cheating liar. The pain is finite, the confusion clears through No Contact (NC), and the divorce proceedings will end with a hefty price, but remember, many have paid a higher price for their freedom and self-respect!
There are no good options when you find out you are married to a cheater, especially when you bred with a cheater. You either leave a cheater and gain a life, or you stay married and teach your kids that selfishness, deceit, and lies are acceptable spousal behaviors.
I hope you will choose you, and read CL’s posts and CN’s comments to prepare for your cheater-free life!
Well said Chumptitude, well said!
I can’t even get through this one! I just couldn’t believe it, so I had to read the original article. OMG! ? It’s real! Then, as I scrolled down, my three-year old saw the author and asked “Why does he look so scary?!” as I’m reading the Voldemort comment!!! Hilarious!
I mean, consider the source, it’s the DAILY MAIL. Yucko.
Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I LOVE satire! Andrew G. Marshall is no Alexander Pope, but he’s trying.
I heart you, Tempest!! Way to turn it on its head!
Don’t complain if he moves in with her???? OMFG!!! Why would Anyone want to pick me dance to “win the love of a cheater”. Jeezus
what a dickhead , is he for real???
has he ever had a real relationship?
To me, this sounds like it was written for wives in the 40s or 50s because they were instructed (and responsible) in many ways back then on how to keep their marriage alive and intact because divorce was frowned upon. Hello asshole Andrew, come back to this century where women have choices, are decision makers, have their own income, and divorce lying, cheating narcs.
Here it is. For the wife of the 1950’s
1. Don’t talk.
2. Bad cooking will drive your man to seedy saloons.
3. Be the hot steak, not the cheap pork. (my favorite)
4. But don’t be a sexual vampire or a frigid Franny.
5. Pink panties are a must.
6. Let him have a little fun now and then.
7. Your husband is the boss of you.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/52108/7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s
Oh, man. No wonder women of the 60s were enthusiastically burning their bras!
Ex-cheater, if you’re somehow out there reading this, please accept my sincerest apology. I did forget to be a wife to you, so busy with our kids, um I mean our cats since we have no kids. How neglected you must have felt in those 30 to 60 seconds it would take me to feed them. I can’t begin to imagine your pain and I accept the fact your penis needed relief from the stresses that a wife-and-pet family constantly placed on you. Please leave OW and come home. Mr. Noodles and Tinky say how meowy much they miss you.
“Please leave OW and come home” sounds a touch naggy… Remember, you mustn’t panic if he moves in with her.
Seriously, though. Love it!
Excellent point, I hadn’t thought of that.
“Dearest darling, stay as long as you need to at Schmoopie’s house. The cats and I continue to soldier on. Tinky’s therapist explained that her tracking of litter outside the box caused you an unbearable need to ask friends to hook you up with random blondes. Tinky says Meow/Sorry.”
GOYSACA,
Thank you for this response. I’m clinically depressed (suicidal much of the time) and briefly cry at work every day (while with good students), but your little vignette made me laugh!
Can’t stop laughing. Now I need to wipe the computer screen after I just spit my coffee on it after reading this. I know your apology is as sincere as a cheater’s remorse.
GOYSACA, I love you even more now.
This is getting embarrassing.
š š
OMFG!!!!! I couldn’t even finish reading this tripe. How can anyone write drivel like his? I’m so glad I never got sucked into the RIC. I did the pick me dance for the first 2 months, but then found Chump Lady. You saved my life. People like him would have killed me. Wow, they suck.
Chump Nation: the comments on his Amazon page need adjusting:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Husband-Doesnt-Love-Texting-Someone/dp/095742972X
From the blurb: ‘The Guardian has described his work as ‘wonderfully comforting’ and ‘I feel light headed and giggly as if someone has just made sense of me”
It’s not hard, as far as I can see to make sense of Guardian journalists, depending on how inebriated they are.
I just stopped by that Amazon book page, down voted the good reviews, up voted the bad reasonable reviews and lefty a more honest review that could use a lot of votes to bring it to the front page. That one star review needs your vote and hey, maybe you’ve read some of the guys stuff have a review to give ?
Thanks Dat!
That was easy and fun. In five minutes I created a review, voted the five-stars as “unhelpful,” and insulted Marshall. ?
Ugh, I really, really dislike this guy. Along with Mr AND Mrs Bercht ( Beyond Affairs) he was for a while my only source of advice post D- Day- because of the RELATE connection. I didn’t buy his books but read his website articles and watched his YouTube offerings.
I always felt there was something of the snake oil salesman about him. It’s all that continual self promotion. And smugness. After CL’s post here, I thought I’d check out what he’s up to now. Well that face-it’s still leering from his website and Twitter account.
And here’s the measure of the man -his tweet for 22nd March (yes ā day of the Brussels bombings) is to retweet a Guardian interview from 19th March with the widow of Charlie Hebdo cartoonist Georges Wolinski and add:
‘You don’t just need to love your partner but tell them. What better way than post-it notes left around the house.’
See how insensitively he hijacks someone’s grief and memories (of yes, her husband’s notes) for his own own tawdry business. And with no seeming irony of using the Paris attacks on the day of the Brussels atrocities.
I really think he’s on the dark side, together with the cheaters he supports.
Oh god yes. It’s ALWAYS, ALWAYS the woman’s fault when the husband cheats. And it ALWAYS because “You put the children first (sorry for being an adult and taking care of the kids)ā¦ Your sex life has lost its spark.ā I was waiting for it…waiting for the cheater’s ultimate ‘go to’ excuse, “I wasn’t getting enough sex.”
When my divorce was final and I started meeting single men…every.single. one. who admitted to cheating said the exact. same. thing. to the tee. AS if it’s a valid excuse for cheating even if it WERE true…which I highly doubt in most cases. It certainly WAS NOT true in my case…homewrecker A would be very surprised to know that we were STILL active right up till the night before he left. (thanks douche for exposing me to STDs)
When one of these fuckwads tell me they cheated and it was because their wives wouldn’t have sex with them, my thought is “yeah, I don’t believe it, but If it is true I can certainly SEE why she wouldn’t”. As in the case with the smirking, author of this trash, he’s a true pimple on the ass of humanity
Fact is though, if those cheater-fuckers actually offered sex which was intimate and satisfying, their partners might actually want to have it with them? But its all about them and their selfish needs.
And jesus fuck, (TMI alert) if they aren’t getting enough sex from their partners (whether its because of differences in libido or just that the cheater is entitled to more than is physically possible) they have a hand and a fucking imagination. But they of course can’t have that.
Feels entitled, rather.
Also, its because they want MOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
You should have apologized for feeding the babies.. Apologies make it impossible for cheaters to cheat, it’s like using garlic on vampires.
That article is abuse.
+1
^^^^ absolutely BBCheater
Also is that the best photo he has , cause he looks like a ….. Ummmm …. Looks like a….. Loooooser…. Oh shit … I must stop that , because anything negative about him might make him…. Might push him …. To be a……..A cheater…… And that would be my fault…. My bad!
Nice red flag of an article. I hope his wife reads it so she can stop nagging the poor guy so he’ll stop cheating on her.
I just have one question that he didn’t really address… Should the betrayed person apologize before they catch the cheater, or after?
I tried “eating humble [shit] pie” in the immediate aftermath to salvage our marriage and he just used that as more ammunition for why he was entitled to cheat. Cheater: “See! Even YOU admit that you suck, so I need more time to reflect and evaluate how your faults led me down this path.” (I apologized ONCE AGAIN for something that wasn’t entirely mine to own because I thought if I ate the shit sandwich we could move past it. Nope, it just kept it alive.)
No one that knew us doubted my adoration or devotion to him, so nope, he most definitely didn’t feel unloved or undesired. And there was no shortage of sex, most of which I initiated.
As for nagging, yeah, I’m sure it got annoying hearing about how much our son needed his dad, and how much I needed a partner while raising an infant on my own while he lived in another state and put on a show about trying to get a job locally. (“Blah blah blah teething, blah blah blah two hours of sleep on a work night with no sick leave left, blah blah blah postpartum depression…you’re so needy! Here, let me deal with your nagging by screwing this married co-worker and being even less present than I was before.”)
And pray tell, Voldemort of West Sussex, why is it that chumps must grovel in apology and demonstrate continuous change, when we are simultaneously told to accept a cheater’s apology at face value, move on, and not make a big deal of it?
Me: “I said I was sorry for that argument 5 years ago that resulted in me being mad! You’ve acknowledged that I have never responded that way again, so can you please move past it and stop using it to justify your affair?” Cheater: “Wounds run deep, how can you expect me to just get over it?”
Cheater: “I SAID I was sorry! How many times do I have to apologize?? Why are you so angry still? This is why I won’t stop seeing her [OW].”
The double standards of presumed responsibility and of demonstrating remorse are staggeringly blatant, and it still pisses me off to this day.
At first glance I thought you had posted another Twilight Zone pig people picture, CL. That snout…
I can’t un-see him as a pig person now!
I don’t stop by CL as much as I used to, but on a whim this morning I decided to check in as I still enjoy the precision of your UBT.
Back in the early 90s, shortly after my now ex and I had our first child and prior to my knowledge of his cheating, I felt that our marriage was not quite up to par. We had been married about 5 years and I noticed that my then husband was becoming distant and uninterested in our relationship. His activities revolved around his interests and there was little including me. He only wanted me around when he wanted something from me…
My attempts to talk to him were immediately shut down. His response was that my roll as a wife and mother was to take care of him, the kids and the house because he was working to support us. (Apparently his happiness alone was at the forefront of the equation.) What he conveniently over-looked was my huge financial contribution (I paid off the mortgage) which allowed us to live comfortably as a young married couple. When we started having children we decided that I would quit my job and stay at home with the kids because we could afford it. Anyway, I suddenly became the maid instead of his partner — he stopped doing anything that he felt was menial because he “worked” and I didn’t.
I asked him to go to marriage counseling. He refused — he didn’t have a problem, I was the one with the problem. I went to counseling alone. The first thing I was told by the psychologist was that marriage counseling requires both spouses attending in order to work… Secondly, I was asked if he was physically abusing me — no, but he had the habit of demeaning/belittling me. The advice I was given if I wanted the marriage to work (which I did!): Don’t be a nag. Don’t rock the boat. Pick up the slack and hope he comes around to appreciating me.
Ironically, I didn’t nag him to begin with. I was very self-sufficient. All I wanted from my then husband was for him to show some interest in me as his wife – the woman he supposedly wanted to be with, not just the “hired help”.
So, after a few sessions of counseling by myself, I was basically instructed to be a good wife, keep my mouth shut, and hope for the best because it could be much worse… Fifteen years of walking-on-eggshells later I found out he had been cheating our entire marriage. In hindsight I know now that that psychologist did me a great disservice. She failed to identify the signs of emotional abuse.
Five years after our divorce I was still reeling and trying to figure out how I could have been so blind to what was going on right under my nose and my self-esteem was down the toilet. It wasn’t until I found CL that I realized I had been the victim of a narcissist. The road to Meh was long and winding but I made it there. I hope the people who find your website will take heed and find their inner strength to break free from their cheating spouses. It’s not worth wasting your time, breath and energy to “save the marriage”.
Your story resonates on so many levels. It’s so damaging to go for professional help and advice and get a quack who enables your emotionally abusive spouse. So glad you found Meh. But just goes to show that once a chump gets decent information about infidelity and what causes it, we are mighty enough to save ourselves.
It was discovering the cheating that was the deal-breaker for me. I did give him the opportunity to cease and desist but he just couldn’t do it. He just got better at concealing his “side hobby”… I wasn’t as dumb as he thought and when I found out he was still up to his antics, I filed for divorce. After having spent half of my adult life with him and being a good wife, I was done. I refused to waste any more time with him. Wife #2 can be the lucky one who wipes his ass and changes his adult diapers. The divorce was brutal but I am happy to be free of the bullshit.
Lol, what a schmuck.
My ex, after having been caught having dozens of affairs, tried to get me to stand in front of the dresser mirror in our bedroom and ask myself if I’d done everything right in the marriage. I guess the only ones allowed to complain about a cheating spouse are the ones who’ve been perfect. Yeah, okay, well, if I’d cheated every time HE wasn’t perfect I’d be the whore of Babylon.
Where the fuck do these ass wipes get the idea that perfection from the spouse is the only thing that gives them the right to expect fidelity??? Oh, yeah, I forgot… Perfection is something NO ONE can achieve, therefore, it guarantees them the right to cheat. Well, not the “right”, but you know, a good enough reason so that they’re just humans who were backed into a corner and had no other choice but to look for someone who actually worships them properly.
???
Mr. Marshall can take SEVERAL seats.
“Yeah, okay, well, if Iād cheated every time HE wasnāt perfect Iād be the whore of Babylon.”
LMAO Lastinline, but really, based on Esther Perel’s theories, if you cheated every time HE wasn’t perfect, you would be the freest spirit, and the most self-actualized, happiest, and sexually fulfilled person in the universe… Wow what a missed opportunity… NOT :)!
What did you say his book was called? “I Was Raised by Prarie Voles?” That would make more sense.
I suspect Prairie Voles are the only ones he could talk into bed (hence, “Make Love Like a Prairie Vole”). However, strange choice of an animal for his views, since prairie voles are largely monogamous* (which means Andrew still has one in his bed–it wouldn’t leave after he seduced it).
*caveat: about 35% of males are non-monogamous and don’t form social units or pair bonds. Just like cheaters.
Now that might be worth buying. š
hahahaha! Poor prairie voles!
Ahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!!!!
i feel sorry for any chump who comes across this kind of shit. but with advice like that out there i can see where cheaters get off feeling so entitled. if i hear one more person say it is ok to cheat because they weren’t getting enough sex I WILL SCREAM! is that the only reason they got married? is that the only thing that matters after years of raising children and building a life together? what are they, frat boys? to me that is the most insulting thing someone can say, it diminishes the ENTIRE relationship by bringing it down to something my neighbors dogs do in the backyard. guess some people never evolve.
A man writing about how a woman should win back a cheater… did I just wake up in the 1950’s?
“Yeah, okay, well, if Iād cheated every time HE wasnāt perfect Iād be the whore of Babylon.” LMAO!!!!!
This is so true!!!!
The other thing that pisses me off about the mainstream approach to cheating is that we chumps did something to deserve it and can therefore adjust our behavior to solve it. What that completely leaves out of the narrative is that cheaters blame, project, and inflate because it is convenient to their narrative. They manufacture reasons, and even if those issues are addressed, it doesn’t solve anything because they will shift to other manufactured reasons. The objective is to HAVE A REASON, not to solve anything. If there is no obvious reason, one will be manufactured, because conflictive dissonance is uncomfortable, guilt is uncomfortable, and consequences are uncomfortable. How much easier to just say that there is something wrong with us (chumps), and then try to hold us at fault when we fail to fix the nebulous-thing-that-cannot-be-identified-or-solved? The problem is that there NEEDS to be a problem, not that there actually IS a problem. Confusing? Welcome to cheater logic.
*cognitive dissonance
I’m with you on that one! My ex’s reasons kept changing…when she had reasons to give. But eventually, she gave up on any actual problem. Instead, she complained of amorphous dissatisfaction about our relationship.
As you say, she needed to create a problem. But the last thing she wanted was for me to solve it. So, better to leave the problem vague and undefined.
Hide the ball, and no one can play your game.
I get so angry at the assumption that I must have been a nag or neglected my husband for my kids. I hear that a lot, that guys feel neglected for the kids. That is so much goddam bullshit. Raising kids is HARD, life is HARD. I was a fantastic wife and even if I wasn’t fantastic I am still worth love and respect.
Guys wouldn’t feel neglected for the kids if they’d get off their asses and do some fucking parenting, instead of sitting there pouting for a tuggie while their exhausted wife tries to wrangle kids and keep the house from looking like a bomb hit it.
Clap clap! (cue Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus here)
Andrew G Marshall looks like the offspring of a mad science experiment. I imagine him writing his books and articles in a dank basement with bats hovering around him. I can’t imagine him being married, unless he’s married to Miss Piggy.
His face and writing style are both freaky.
The really, really sad thing is that Andrew G. Marshall is undoubtedly balls-deep in somebody at this very moment. Such bitter bunnies we are; trying to be decent human beings.
This is mysgynistic garbage.
But he MUST be legit – he’s a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!
(Of course, it’s lots easier to be a published author when you self-publish (Marshall Method Publishing)
Gaahhh!
I’m embarrassed to admit that I apologized to my ex repeatedly in the first month after D-Day. I was sorry I wasn’t more patient, better at housework, more willing to put up with his cruddy jackhammer sex (with no consideration for my pleasure). It didn’t work. In fact, after a month of apologizing and trying to be the better person that I thought could “win him back” he told me that I was a “fucking miserable person who makes everybody around me miserable.” So I stopped trying and let her have him because if that was the prize I was trying to win then no thanks.
More than 2 years later and I’ve given up on getting an apology from him. He never did anything wrong, he is perfect and justified in every shitty thing he does to people. Good luck in your new marriage to OW. You can’t run from your own repugnant personality.
Strawberry Jellyfish,
I heard very similar statements from my STBX and my last ex-boyfriend.
Every once in awhile, I remember my STBX giving me a daily progress report (score on a scale of 1-10 and comments) on a ‘wife worthiness report’ he kept on his computer after he admitted to cheating on me.
My ex-boyfriend, at first hint of breaking up with me, told me that I had done nothing wrong but later, at official break up, told me that I made him ‘want to run away.’ I was deeply hurt as my greatest happiness came from making him happy and I wanted to marry him after 30 years of what I thought was friendship. A New York minute after dumping me, although supposedly he has a trunkful of baggage (his words) incurred from abuse from his ex-wife, he is escaping the shackles of commitment to a woman (me) who would sacrifice herself for him to immediately search for The One (and probably have sex with as many women as he can convince). He tried to make himself not sound so bad by saying, ‘I don’t cheat on my partners. (Therefore, I’m dumping you.)’ It seems a bit hypocritical as, several years ago, he was an OM to another guy’s fiancee. I realize that people screw up, but it seems a bit disingenuous and self-serving to promote yourself as virtuous in a certain way if you are not.
For the first time in my half-century long life, I am afraid to date anyone. I don’t believe that all men are dishonest, unfaithful, and non-committal, but, unfortunately, many that I have run into are.
RSW: “I remember my STBX giving me a daily progress report (score on a scale of 1-10 and comments) on a āwife worthiness reportā he kept on his computer”
Unf**kingbelievable. If that isn’t a sign of hubris and considering that other people are here for your own means, I don’t know what is. Glad you’re rid of him. Mind you, most of our cheaters probably had mental tabulations that led to their assessment that we sucked so much we deserved to be cheated upon, but to actually write it down is homicide-worthy.
+1 StrawberryJellyfish–can’t run from your repugnant personality
How can you be anything BUT miserable right after d day? I guess you should have turned that frown upside down and choked down that shit sandwich with smile on your face. “Thank you sir. May I have another?” Gah
Wait what? So because a manās wife wasnāt making him feel loved and bahl bahl bahl then he should be able to get by with anything then right? Shouldnāt he be able to rob, steal, and kill too? Because it was his wife fault she drove him to it by her nagging.
This is creepily reminiscent of those pickup artist guys. You know, women deserve to be punished for being the fairer sex and men never have to be held accountable for any of their actions because EVOLUTION! It’s so misogynistic my tiny lady-brain cannot comprehend. I think I need a break, my uterus hurts…
Seriously though, can we get away from this fucking narrative of victim-blaming. You want the wife to allow co-habitation with an AP AND you want the wife to meet and play nice with her?! Are you fucking kidding me? It’s called a harem…what you want is a harem.