Be the UBT

There is only one patented Universal Bullshit Translator. But alas, there’s more bullshit in the land than one UBT can handle. That’s why your fun Friday challenge is to help the UBT translate bullshit into snark. These stables aren’t going to muck themselves.

Do you have some creepy text message? Is Schmoopie sending you Bible verses? Has someone exhorted you to forgive on Facebook?

The UBT knows what they really mean. Its patented trademark technology cuts through the crap and distills essential bullshit. And now, for a very limited time (this weekend), it shares this technology with you. Fire up your transponders, CN, and put your waders on!

Time to translate some crap.

TGIF!

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sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago

Sparkly Turd ” I need to leave you. I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex and being sucked in by a vampire”
One month before d-day

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

UBT:

“The world isn’t revolving around me so I am going to move away so that you chase after me. I will also project my emotional phlebotomy onto you, in a pathetic attempt to run away from my own shitty actions!”

liarssuck
liarssuck
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

lairssuck says
March 15, 2019 at 1:08 pm
I need translation

“Something I need to tell you….I had the opportunity to do some reflecting and when I met you (30 years ago) I was dealing with a lot of things, a recent very painful break up and dealing with guilt and unresolved grief over the suicide of my cousin.

I was in a venerable place mentally, emotionally and in a lot of pain. As a result our engagement occurred before we were built the foundation necessary to have a healthy relationship and marriage (29 years). We were never in love with each other and should not have married. I do not regret of (6) children and will always love then but we both failed them a for that I am sorry.

The “very painful breakup” is the the OW he is living with now who divorced her husband to be with mine. He moved 5,000 miles away and took a 50% pay cut to be with her. Now he sends “certified” letters saying he is negative $800 per month and wants to re-negotiate our divorce because he can’t support himself anymore.

#sellthetuck
#getasecondjob
#yougotthehighschoolgirlfriendback

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  liarssuck

“I finally came up with a reason to blame you for what I did, because I am a fuckwit who only has three brain cells and I lack the intelligence necessary to be honest and upfront immediately after I do things – much like how I deal with problems in life by fucking strange”

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  liarssuck

Translation: “I have been trying to find a way to excuse my actions. I heard some ‘Pray The Gay Away’ therapists talking about finding your “root” or the magical thing that turned you gay, and I thought – hey that could work! So:

“When I met you (30 years ago) I was dealing with a lot of things, a recent very painful break up”

Which I decided to medicate with jumping into another relationship, and not taking the time to get over it properly, like a responsible adult. It’s not my fault though. I was sad, and I can’t be blamed for using others when I’m sad – how else do I make myself feel better?

“and dealing with guilt and unresolved grief over the suicide of my cousin.”
I had such sadz! None of the cheating was my fault – forgive me in the name of my poor dead cousin!

“As a result our engagement occurred…”

It just “occurred.” It just happened. Rather like my falling and landing dick-first into OW, it was just a think that happened to poor little bewildered me as I was swept along, buffeted by the currents of fate! Literally none of my important life actions are things that I chose – things that I should be held responsible for! They just happen and you can’t blame me for them!

“before we were built the foundation necessary to have a healthy relationship and marriage”

Not only did I marry you when I shouldn’t have, (or, well, we ended up married somehow – at this point I’m so far up my own ass re-writing history that I can’t seem to remember how it happened) I was also unable to either honorably end the marriage or commit to building a proper relationship with you. For thirty years. Again, I don’t actually make choices – things just happen to me.

“We were never in love with each other”
I never loved you, and I’m incapable of empathizing with anything that isn’t me, so I’ll assume you felt the same. Also, it suits my current narrative to frame this entire “Me cheating on you” thing as a “joint” action that we are somehow jointly responsible for.

“…but we both failed them a for that I am sorry.”

I cheated. You were dumb enough to believe me when I told you I loved you and wanted to marry you. Really, aren’t we both to blame for this?

tess
tess
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

You have a wonderful way with words Traffic Spiral

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

sweetChumpgirl
UBT: ow is calling and I must go.
He will learn ( when the sparkle wears off), that she is the vortex and she will turn into a vampire soon!

danni smith
danni smith
5 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

when he cheats on her she will morph from vamp to vampire.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Thank you, I am just realizing this is so true! Xo sweet

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

UBT

” I need to leave you” translates to ”my little sparkly house of cards is in danger of imminent collapse”

”I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex and being sucked into a vampire” translates to ”I have created a massive problem for myself and now am beginning to feel the life-shaking consequences. Also, I am being sucked into a vampire”.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago

#itsnotmyfault #theuniverseisvortexingme #garlicbreath

lettingo
lettingo
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

I almost spit out my yogurt – too funny 🙂

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago
Reply to  lettingo

Thank you for the laughs #garlicbreathforthewin
I love this place!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

garlic breath!

Drew
Drew
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Lol.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
5 years ago

I received a text from skankella back in November. This is what it read.” Listen bitch. I know you have been spreading my number all over the place. Remember bitch we will meet someday.” I forwarded the message to my son who is a Sheriff. Unbelievable, she cheats with my husband for years. And she has the balls to send me a threatening text. Just shows what a POS she is.

Stig
Stig
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Listen birch, I don’t like it when people discuss facts and I come off looking like an asshole. Stop messing with my narrative by spreading malicious truth about me.

Happily Free
Happily Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Stig

Wow but that’s my ex husband!!!!!

Unflappable-flappper
Unflappable-flappper
5 years ago
Reply to  Stig

YES!!! Bahahahahaha

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

“How dare you hold me accountable for my own actions! I am allowed to do whatever the fuck I please and you are not allowed to respond to it!”

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

“Listen bitch, I know that you know I’ve been spreading my legs all over the place. Bitch, remember that I can smother your head up in my ginormous STD factory of a minge and I won’t even need an epidural to do it!”

Granny K
Granny K
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

” I know you have been spreading my number all over the place. ”
UBT: I’m a legend in my own mind. Also, I go out a lot and forget who I gave my number to.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

#iwatchalotofdaytimetelevesion #areyouscaredyet

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
5 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Ahh, well this is beautiful because no UBT is needed. She knows exactly who she is. LOL

nomar
nomar
5 years ago

My cheating ex-wife, defiant, upon having some of her affairs discovered: “I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY RELATIONSHIPS!”

Translation: I see my doing horrific things as consistent with being a wonderful person. Because . . . special! Did I tell you I was a National Merit Scholar 24 years ago? I’m kind of a big deal.

You probably also think condyloma is defined by its capacity to cause genital warts. Such backward thinking! Condyloma never *intends* to cause genital warts, and that’s what matters. You have no idea of the secret specialness that Condyloma exudes when you’re not watching. And you could never understand the mysterious and magical constellation of sophisticated factors that led to you coming down with a bad rash on your privates after I came back from my “solo” trip to Vegas, so you really shouldn’t try. #NationalMeritWart #MyCheatingWifeWentToVegasAndAllIGotWasPenisCancer
#TheWartsDidntStayInVegas

Also, cheating is really just about how we *define* things. Why are you so hung on on WORDS?!?

DavidB
DavidB
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I heard the “I’m not defined by my affairs”. God has forgiven me, I forgave myself, now you need to!

tess
tess
5 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Wow that is a mighty ego she has

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

I am always amazed by the cheaters who are just CERTAIN God has forgiven them. How on earth are they sure of that? The church even says there are requirements to forgiveness/absolution. They have to confess fully (never met a cheater who did); they have to be deeply remorseful (and make amends if possible); they have to repent; they have to go forth and not commit that sin again (Hmmm, any one time cheaters out there?). While I believe it absolutely is possible God forgives some cheaters, I am pretty sure lots don’t meet the requirements. The fact that they all feel so sure of their forgiveness that they smugly announce it so frequently is amazing to me.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

my ex said he ‘had this God thi g all figured out’…he planned to live any way he wanted and get sa ved in his death bed…

Untold
Untold
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Amen amen amen!

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Actually, I’m pretty sure Adolph is a one-timer. I have no reason to believe otherwise. He had one affair, but it was a long term one. After being caught and much discussion he has confessed to his wrongs (including non-affair stuff I didn’t even ask about), repented them, expressed remorse, accepted responsibility, and is trying to make amends. So he meets those requirements.
Good thing I’m agnostic. I don’t have to forgive the jerk. ????

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

#WartzTheProblem?
#CheaterSaysWartz?
#LiquidNitrogenonMyDIckWasLessPainfulThanBeingMarriedToACheater

Paula MacLellan
Paula MacLellan
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

OMG! This is the best… of the worst… we should meet to share stories… I’m in Boston area too!

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago

I’ve been told chumps make very good next relationships. I’m not sure I will ever date again, but I’m ready to just live and meet people. I would love that app. it would be nice to just not be condemned doe rge shape we’re in as we heal.

Fooled Me Twice
Fooled Me Twice
5 years ago

Freer,

I feel the same way. I don’t think I will ever date again either. I enjoy going onto the dating apps and talking, but when it comes to an actual face to face I always back out. Is it because of what has been done to me or am I just content with the fact that I had a 28 year relationship, raised 3 kids that all graduated from high school and attended a college and that I’ll be 53 this July.

Since the affair I’ve been told what a horrible human being I am and I pushed her to have the affair because I would complain about her not cleaning or cooking when she was off and I was working two 12 hours shifts all weekend. That I said she couldn’t do anything right. Her examples are that I asked her why she didn’t wait until after we were finished eating to run the dishwasher, I said that she shouldn’t stand at my son’s feet when changing his diaper (he’s 20 now, but she still threw this in my face, pardon the pun) if she didn’t want him to pee on her, that when the electric tooth brush made that funny sound it meant she was pressing it on her teeth too hard (right out of the instruction), and I can’t even remember all the other petty comments she made to convince me that if I treated her better she wouldn’t have had the affair with a married man.

Can someone run that through the UBT or is she right? I could have been nicer. We were together for 28 years and married for 19.

Thanks for letting me vent.

God Bless CN

tess
tess
5 years ago

She was really reaching for those excuses. Cheater 101 – blame chump.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

Fooled, don’t beat yourself up! Everyone in the world could have been nicer, that’s what makes us all human. Forgive yourself for reacting like a human being ❤ and remember that she had every opportunity to be nicer too, but instead betrayed, made you feel like rubbish and picks on the most inane and stupid things to exploit your Chumpy self-reproach. Please remember she sucks and you don’t!
Btw did she ever get peed on?! You were quite right!
All the best x

Chump Change
Chump Change
5 years ago

I’m in Philly. Srsly think there should be a CN dating site/app attached. You are the people I want to meet! Post-Chump Snark-Smart ????????

Fooled Me Twice
Fooled Me Twice
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

I think that all the time with the CN dating app/site or just a support gathering. I’m in the Philly suburbs.

Chump Change
Chump Change
5 years ago

Wait! There’s a CN dating site? I’m in Philly burbs too 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

There are some stories that make me marvel at the self-control of chumps who live through horrific consequences from their cheaters, and manage not to need a defense attorney.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

if we went to jail for what went thru our mind we would all need one.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Warterloo.

Chumptastic Voyage
Chumptastic Voyage
5 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Warts love got to do with it.

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago

Wart do you mean I gave you genital what’s?

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

#NatinalMeritWart. ????????????????

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  nomar

#WartsIsHell
#WartsWhatIsitGoodFor(AbsolutleyNothing)
#NormanWartscopf

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago

Having discovered videos of my Moth tells on YouTube (two versions of my DDay story), she sends this:

“You really, really need to learn to let go and get some help. Be happy. Don’t be so angry and bitter. It’s ugly.”

UBT: “You really, really need to stop being honest about my egregious deception and betrayal. Be silent. Don’t be honest and forthright. It’s inconvenient.”

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UBT: “I could have a YouTube channel if I wanted one, but I’m too busy not being bitter” #notetoselfhowdoimakeayoutubechannel #timetobuyadivaring #hemademedoitfolks

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

You are on fire today NoMoreNarcs!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

From The Evil One/exh2 this past Sunday:

>>> Knowing how your mother pulled what she did with gifts for the kids, you allowed yourself to do the same thing to me with my parents instead of telling them to contact me instead? And then you lied saying you hadn’t been in contact with them when I asked you about the linked in? I will not be doing any more favors for you including the extra days for you. I will not talk to you about anything other than my daughter and her care and we’ll being. I thought we could be civil but evidently you’ll always be a snake in the grass waiting for every opportunity to make themselves seem righteous. I’m done! <<<<<<

Translation: how *dare* you facilitate a relationship with my parents when
A) it's in the divorce decree by me that when out of town relatives are here, DD is to be made available to said relatives? And B) I am not speaking to my parents because they refuse to give me any more money at 40 years old to support me and OWife and her kids

Four years later, he's still a narcissistic nutjob.

What's beyond my comprehension is that he honestly expects me to still be loyal to him and his feelings regardless of how he's done me wrong in so many ways?!?!?!

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago

Him: ” I will not talk to you about anything other than my daughter and her care and well being.”

You: [deadpan voice] “Noooo, not that, what will I do?”

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

????????????????????????????????????

NeverSawitComing
NeverSawitComing
5 years ago

#adulting sucks #don’t make me adult

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago

Right?!?!
He is a 40-year-old mooch.
I bet OWife/Mrs. Dumbass is looking sideways at The Evil One like, “what happened to my White Knight?!?!”

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago

#mymommy #wherearemypresents

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Exactly!!! His parents have a right to enjoy the pleasures of working their asses off for 40+ years, plus caring for elderly parents until they passed, and rescue animals. Their son is such a prick.
He has never wanted to work, has always expected handouts or get paid top wage for doing next to nothing — prime example:
Just before D-Day, he got a job at $20/hour, plus overtime for hauling paper.
He even had a paper time sheet where he could fudge his hours and get more money.
About a year later, they out him on 55 hours @$20/hour salary and he gets pissed so ends up pissing everyone at the company off and gets himself fired.

His parents visited me and DD the other day. First time in four years I’ve seen them or talked to them. They had no clue about anything he had done.
They didn’t even know about OWife until they got engaged and/or married when he sent them a picture of her engagement ring.

Chumpoftwo
Chumpoftwo
5 years ago

I did my own BS translator for this one as its was just laughable. background; he is complaining becuase I refuse to meet him at the school to collect the baby off him so he can spend sometime alone with eldest, which is fine, I have just made it clear he needs to drop and pick up th kids from the home and Im not running to different places to swap kids with him as he has started getting silly with it. Before this text, he said he cant have the baby that day becuase I refuse to meet him at the school (5 minutes away)

Exes drivel;

I have not refused to have my children
i have had to change my dates becuase of work and training not leisure
you said I dont do you any favours, so thats just you being difficult again
All I asked is if I could spend some time with (ELDEST) on his own on 22nd as I dont get that time anymore and think it would do him good after what you said play therapist has said today. Can you please meet me at school to pick (BABY) up.

My BS translation;

Im blamming for me not seeing (BABY) becuase you wont meet me where I tell you to.
My life is so hard having to adjust my schedule all the time to suit my needs. You need to be more sympathetic!
You owe me! Your the problem, not me! You stop be seeing my kids and Im the victim.
You’re stopping me spending time with (ELDEST) because you wont meet me at school to collect (BABY). Wait I said I cant have him becuase of that? ERRORR!!!!
You will meet me at the gates bitch as instructed or I wont take the baby to spite you!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumpoftwo

#comepickupbaby #andbringmeasandwhichtoo

Unflappable-flapper
Unflappable-flapper
5 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

I’m dying!!! #dontforgetthemayo

Stupidme
Stupidme
5 years ago

After finding out that my husband had started texting the same person he had an affair with 5 years ago, his excuse was he should have never responded to her message. But, she was the devil in sheep’s clothing. Of course, it’s nothing and they’re just friends. He really wishes he could prove that to me, but he just happened to delete the Facebook messages, texts and omitted the fact that he had been calling her all weekend. He was just about to tell her he should’nt be talking to her anymore, but I just happened to see the text before he told her????

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
5 years ago
Reply to  Stupidme

#lookawayfromthemistress #itsnormaltosectretlytextpeoplewhomeannothingtome #illneverdoitagain #surpriseichoseyouafterall

Justleft
Justleft
5 years ago
Reply to  Stupidme

So much to choose from. After 30 years of undiluted selfishness, charmer runs off with Russian mistress. No warning. No discussion. No remorse.
A few in my top ten…
‘You’ll always think the worst of me. ‘UBT it’s all your fault, deep down I’m a hero.
‘I’m just profoundly indifferent to you .’ UBT I have the emotional intelligence of a wheelie bin and the warmth of an arctic blast.
‘I couldn’t bear it any longer.’ UBT Yes im the kind of man who calls his wife ‘it’ Nice.
Snark has been my saviour. Didn’t always work for terrifying rage and anger but it’s perfect for idiocy ????

kiwichump
kiwichump
5 years ago
Reply to  Justleft

JustLeft:I am the kind of man who call his wife ‘it’.
You win the internet today!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  Stupidme

Ha ha, Stupidme, I like that one!

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago

Quote from part of an email from the OW, I copied and pasted this directly from her email. Can someone with a UBT help?

I am sorry this has happened in your marriage but I know in my heart I am not to blame for anything is going on.

Again, I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.  Please dont lose perspective , focus your energy where it is needed. I can assure you it’s not with me

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

“It’s all about me and my needs, I don’t give a fuck about you and I will find more ways to shift the blame onto you.”

Survivor
Survivor
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

I’m sorry your marriage overlapped with my relationship with your husband. It was a scheduling error on your part.

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Hahaha thank you to all! Your UBTs have made my day.
Bte – that was an excerpt from an email I got exactly 1 year ago, o march 16. So, I’m feeling the 1 year dull sting.

Survivor
Survivor
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

The more days you put between yourself and those two, the better you will feel. I promise.

violet
violet
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

A rant mailed to me by OW (shortly after DD) began,”I am not a whore.” Even though I was truly at the bottom of the emotional barrel, I burst out laughing when I read that. It has become a running joke between my adult kids and I. Whenever we describe a difficult encounter with a jerk to one another, we usually end the story with,”but I am not a whore.” It cracks us up every time!

chump change
chump change
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

#iamnotawhorebutcouldplayoneontv

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

Haha! Yes the OW in my life also got VERY offended when I called her a whore. I later found a text message where she was complaining to my stbx that his wife (me?) Was calling her HORRIBLE things like whore, and morally bankrupt….
Yeah it must have hurt to be called those things ????

Smartbutbetrayed
Smartbutbetrayed
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

Lol ! I called the whore other woman up and called her a whore too ! I often wondered if it ever bothered her? Him and the ow tried to hide their affair And I am convinced she never thought I would find out who he was whoring with. But always check the place of employment and you will always find the whore there! She’s the one shoving her tits in your husbands face and coming on to him …
The more I think about it is
That it did not bother her at All because they pulled it off and she was able to get over on me and get lovebombed and believe that he “loves her”. Bahhahaaaha

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago

Yep, shoving her tits in his face, and sitting provocatively on his desk….sounds like twuwov

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

That doesn’t need the UBT; FactCheck, by Politico, would be more suited to correct that OW’s egregious misconception of herself.

SomethingNew
SomethingNew
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

“I am sorry this happened in your marriage”

My actions clearly demonstrate that I’m not sorry at all, but if I don’t say that I could come off like a selfish, uncaring person, and I know full well how splendid I must be to have attracted the attention of your husband. #SchmoopsieOopsie. I’m going to make sure to use passive tense as WD-40 to grease my upcoming blameshifting…

“But I know in my heart I am not to blame for anything going on.”

#HeWould’veFallenIntoAnyWillingHole. A glimmer of self-awareness? Me thinks not. This one obviously needs the cling tightly to the #SplendidPerson narrative in order to justify their own actions to themselves.

“Again, I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.”

Author’s note: Melissa, not to over-simplify complex issues, but I’ve seen peoe who have experienced a particular trauma fall into two main camps: People who know the pain it causes and choose to never inflict it on another person, and people who use it as an excuse to “screw the universe back”. #WeAreAllMadeOfStardust, and that’s exactly how much other people matter to these sad sacks. These empathy-deficients are not your tribe, identify and avoid to improve life quality.

“Please don’t lose perspective, focus your energy on where it is needed.”

I am incredibly insecure that I cannot maintain your husband’s attention. This, of course, has nothing to do with my incredible specialness or the fact that I heard him flirting his way down the cubicle row, while I was desperat–erhm, patiently waiting for him to discover the true, joyous love that was simply slumbering within me. #SleepingPrincessInAnIvoryCubicle. Now, pretty please, stop distracting your own husband with your marriage and kids and pain and stuff. I’m worried if I lose eye contact he’ll move on to Julia in Accounts. #RunawayGroom I saw her eyeing my man last week, that hussy.

“I can assure you it’s not with me.”

LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND! No, no, no, no.. he’s texting again! Oh, and could you pretty please not mention this to anyone you know, may one day know or may know me? It would be inconvenient for anyone to think that I wasn’t a Splendid Person and I really want to post those PerfectLove memes I see all over Facebook. K thx bye!

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago
Reply to  SomethingNew

Thanks somethingnew,

Her comment about also being cheated on was just so bizarre to me…you are right about the 2 camps of people and she is not in my tribe. She knew how painful it was, but wanted to be involved in inflicting pain on someone else? That line really left me confused and upset, like what was she trying to do? Make me feel like we had some kind of shared painful experience?but in my scenario she was the one causing the pain????? So bizarre.
 “screw the universe back”. #WeAreAllMadeOfStardust

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

UBT: I take thing everything said to me literally. Naturally, I had to cheat with your husband because I was told to do unto others as others have done to me. Hang on, I can’t finish this cause somebody told me I should go jump off a bridge.

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago

Awesome Raes!

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

Passive language: “I’m sorry this has happened in your marriage…” = “Your marriage ended through no action on my part. It was like Mount Vesuvius erupting and covering all of Pompeii–act of nature! No one could prevent it!”

“I understand your frustration and pain. I too have been cheated on.” = “So I’m paying it forward! You’re welcome! But don’t pay attention to little ol’ me in your gut-wrenching pain any more than I pay attention to the need for commas!”

Melissa
Melissa
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Lol!yes! Love it. Mt. Vesuvius hahaha
And her grammar and punctuation, right?
The ways she sounds so condescending here, made me particularly ragey. Exactly 1 year ago tomorrow. happy anniversary

Chump Change
Chump Change
5 years ago

Friday the 13th, 2018: After 17 months of undiscovered cheating with “younger than his daughter GF” I get a text from “him” saying “I don’t love you. I want a divorce.”

Text from 4 hours prior was “Yes! move ahead with the HVAC bid for $14k. Makes sense!”

Fast forward 3 hours later: “It wasn’t me! Someone stole my phone!…there was a lot of drinking!…he…no, she…didn’t mean it!…I mean, well…I’m kinda relieved!…but it wasn’t really me….ok. It was her. Yes. There is a ‘her.’ She’s in her 40’s. But she’s a friend…ok. With benefits. But. Not a long time. Like a few weeks. Maybe late 30’s? it’s only been a few months. Well, yeah I guess a little over a year. She thinks I’m a coward. Maybe mid-30’s? We never talked about her age. Well, so, ok, so she wrote that text to you. She’s so pissed at me for not telling you sooner. She thinks it’s unfair. But I swear!! I didn’t know. It’s not like I approved it or anything!! But yeah, I’m relieved….I’m going to be 60. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. That’s why I travel so much for work. but I still love you!! I want you in my life!! We have a daughter! You are so important to me and you’re a great mother! What?!? She is NOT 32. There is no way. 1986? Really? Ok, well it’s not like I actually knew that.”
Yeah. There’s that. #asshat #86thebitch #ageisjustanumber #fanofrkelly

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

I also got the “let’s make plans for our life together” right before the “our marriage is over”. Half an hour before we went to the marriage counseling session in which XW revealed that she was “already gone” and that our marriage had “no future” and that this was first and last marriage counseling appointment she would attend, we were discussing how much money to put in dependent care accounts and whose paycheck to pull it out of.

I stupidly though that this kind of boring, nuts-and-bolts discussion – planning for a future together – was evidence that she was committed to our marriage. Not so: for her, our 17-year-marriage wasn’t sparkly enough precisely because we were providing a sane, ordered environment for our kids (no drama, no fights, no wild parties). XW left to chase the drama: she actually told our daughter that she and AP have screaming fights – and that this *proves* that they really love each other.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

After DDay and after he moved out because his heart was with Schmoopie not reconciliaiton, he was still trying to make plans for the future musing about ways we could fix up the house and make it more interesting to live in. Maybe he was assuming I would be the one to end up moving out so he could move Schmoopie in? If so, that was a delusional thought but he was having lots of those at the time.

Chump Change
Chump Change
5 years ago

They’re all related! That’s it! We’re are the “normal” aliens on their planet and this is their scheme to keep it all for themselves.

Besides replacing the HVAC in our house, our daughter turned 12 the day before dday. We had tickets to take her to Taylor Swift but he had to “cancel” last minute (Pinot noir phone management, I know now). But hey! Buy a tee shirt! Take & send me ALL the pics! Love you!! Love Daughter!! Happy Birthday!!????
The parallels between us all are beyond bizarre to me. I’m so so sorry 🙁

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Ugh! What a despicable turd! They are indeed all members of the same alien race. Mine was googling divorce and pension splitting on our disabled daughter’s birthday in 2017, as well as texting his slut. He even texted her when visiting his newborn first grandchild. Dumbass works in tech but didn’t know enough to delete his Google activity history. It not only shows searches, but dates and times Signal texting (or whichever) is used. They’re all so pathetically stupid.

chump change
chump change
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Chumperella – mine works in that biz too. Was adamant that the 1986 “was never, ever a factor” in his decision to cheat. “And! She isn’t even in the picture anymore!!” Haha. But then…he sent me his resume bc he couldn’t figure out how to print it (eyeroll here). Sent it along to me with all of her track changes included, name, dates. the whole thing. #dumbasscantspell #1990preKgrad

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
5 years ago

After discovering I was talking to ow’s husband (our best friend) about the affair.
“I can’t believe you would betray me that way, it’s so inappropriate.”
Ubt…none needed, I think everyone can see how fucked up that statement is.

Canmehjustgetherealready
Canmehjustgetherealready
5 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Hahaha! I had the same thing. He found out I spoke to the OW’s husband, and said “You should be careful who you’re talking to…” #facepalm

2legit4shit
2legit4shit
5 years ago

Translate this:
MySTBEX MIL “My belief that what God has put together, let no man put asunder.I have made decisions based on this belief, but the question I never asked was whether or not God had really put them together, and I believe that he did not.I told my DIL that I was afraid that our son might have to lose everything to come to Christ. Her(that’s me) answer was that she did not think that she needed to lose anything for him to come to Christ.Well, in the midst of the nastiest divorce ever, and losing everything he has including his children, he has come to Christ. And, yes it is worth the price.
Fact: in this so called epiphany he has not asked for forgiveness to his children AND still lives with the OWhore! Hmmmm. Thoughts!?

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago
Reply to  2legit4shit

No loving God would sanction the world of pain a cheater puts his family through. No loving God would tolerate a cheater flouting vows and not seeking forgiveness for the pain caused, without a dark night of the soul for the cheater. As for the MIL, second-guessing God is a very dangerous business.

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago
Reply to  2legit4shit

That’s some scary insight into rationalizations and justifications of his shitty character. He’s likely gotten a free pass to be shitty his entire life by the sounds of it being raised by this mother.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  2legit4shit

“Holy” Moly. The branch didn’t fall to far from the tree did it? Mommy has come up with a way to excuse her baby but it isn’t very well thought out. I love the christian part of treating others as we wish to be treated—- unless it brings you to an epiphany but you forget to attempt amends with those you wronged and feel no remorse and just keep on keeping on the “Bad” thing that brought you there.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago

“ I don’t think you are able to help me ( to be a decent man) I think you need help more than me. Your issues cloud your vision and instability doesn’t help me”

UBT

I started fucking other women when we got married, lying and risking your life the whole time. In restrospect, looking back and seeing you living life based on the values ( honesty, fidelity, trust etc) I diagnose you as the one incapable of being a good example for me. I believe you are unstable-( and no, 14 years of mindfuckery and betrayal has nothing to do with it, it’s just you and your unstable mind)
And you need help. Go and start spinning… start helping and start ????

No. Just no.

wildcat
wildcat
5 years ago
Reply to  Anna

Bravo Anna!! this was about the same text I got from cheaterfuck earlier this week. We are divorced 9 months:

“Maybe once you are over being angry it will change. Hopefully you are getting help.”

UBT: I’m free to fuck whoever and whatever I want now, but I still need you to provide kibbles and adore my sparkle and awesomeness. I need your attention and constant adoration even after exploring how wonderful I am with other women pretty much non-stop during our marriage. You need help after 20 years of my mindfuckery, gaslighting, blameshifting and extreme stress and anxiety – that is obvious!

CHEATERS SUCK

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  wildcat

Wildcat

Same playbook… maybe it was on sale? Or BOGO – buy one box of condoms get a cheater playbook free?

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago

EX says:
“You can’t leave me. You agreed to love me unconditionally.”

UBT says:
I cannot believe you aren’t capitulating to my demands any longer. I thought you were locked down when we got married. If you won’t take my word for it, take your own–your wedding vows. You promised until ‘death do us part.’ You’ve caught me in lies, but if I can convince you that leaving our marriage makes you a liar too, then we’ll have a level playing field, and what I did won’t matter because you are just as bad. Damn it, why aren’t you eating this word salad.”

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

“You agreed to the rules. However, the rules do not apply to me”

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Pure brilliance!

Lori
Lori
5 years ago

He just said he wanted a divorce one day, and his secret 6 month affair was exposed by HER husband one month before it was final, he lied to me saying there was no one else, gave me a shitload of readons of why I’m bad, and he was (is) still with her and was still having me dance the pick me…..but I realized what was going on and I said….. “why would I take you back, you threw me away”……. he said, “no I didn’t.” WTH? Help me with this one. I know it should be easy. But this baffles me. No I didn’t? Really? Then what would throwing me and thirty years away look like? Argh. Assholes. All of them.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Lori

“You are my Plan B for when I am bored”

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  Lori

“I did not throw you away I just set you aside for a bit while I fucked strange but fully intended to pick you up again when I was done”

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago

Firefucker’s Last Texts Before Block, never got a response, from me: “You will not see me anymore.”
(2 hours later)
Firefucker: “I love you and in a way always will.”
(30 minutes later)
“I THREW A WRENCH IN OUR FUTURE!”
(10 minutes later)
“I can’t risk financial ruin; I have a real family to think about, now.”
(40 minutes later)
“I didn’t want to see it end like this.”

UBT: These texts were sent by Sybil.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago

Sybil’s alter ego!

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Omg I’m dying here #funnynotfunny

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago

“….I have a real family to think about, now?” WTELF???? “real family?”

Egans
Egans
5 years ago

Sybil!!????????????????????

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.”

My capacity to love is limitless… I love you as my wife… I love trannies as fuck-buddies… I love the Yankees… I love picking sock lint from my toes and wax from my ears and flicking it across the living while I watch Game of Thrones… I love lying to you… I love that you are the grown-up… I love that I can always find another sucker now that you have found me out and now she is the one I am “IN” love with… “IN” becomes a verb because she will now do all the work and have all the sex with me that I want because you stopped when you caught me cheating.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago

I got “It’s about us”, “Let’s make this work”, and “Maybe we can date”. All without being told of the affair. Yes, these people are a special breed of sick and disordered.

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago

Have at it….email from OW. She’s just wants to HELP–after she wrecked (or helped my ex wreck) my marriage over two years (I can’t even with this woman….) and outright refused to take a hike…
________________________________________________________________

I believed everything, everything, EVERYTHING you have told me. I meant what I said when I said W recycles words and actions [insert warm body]. I am not ignorant to the fact that I am not special to him. Maybe I thought I was in the summer, but that passed after my encounter with you. Yeah, is it shitty, hell yeah. First, I did not MEAN to do what I did. But I did it. Can’t take it back now. I also believed him wholeheartedly. I know you don’t care, but he also hurt me and, yes, he made me feel stupid for allowing myself to let him make me feel stupid.

This is why I promise him nothing. This is why he gets frustrated with me because I give him friendship and not much else. This is why I thought that because he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me that maybe he could get it back with you. W is not happy with himself, and yes, he is an addict. When alcohol is not his drug of choice it is people. Maybe he doesn’t love anyone, but we both love him–in different ways, but love nonetheless. I want him to get better for himself and for his kids. I thought he was. And, yes, I guess I do like to be needed or “fix” but those are things I have to realize and work on for myself when I’m ready.

And right or wrong as you see it, I cannot watch W kill himself. That’s why I advocate for time with the kids. That’s why I promised to quit smoking if he quit drinking. That’s why I befriended the mother to his kids. That’s why I push him to keep his therapy appointments, seek other friendships, play his music, forgive his fuck ups and encourage healthier options for coping.

Maybe I’m enabling and being stupid. Then I’m stupid. So be it. But I’m not going to stop trying. Because I can’t. Right now I don’t have it in me.

violet
violet
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

This shining example of self-delusion belongs in the circular filing basket. She’s not co-dependent much, is she?

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

Not much…lol. I know….she’s absurd. It’d be funny if she didn’t help decimate a marriage and a home and a family. But she was just trying to helllppppp himmmm because he neeeeedssss herr and she lurrrvvvvssss himmmmm. (UGH).

Canmehjustgetherealready
Canmehjustgetherealready
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

#shehascodependencyissues #sendheramelodybeattiebook

marge
marge
5 years ago

Omg. This is the best reply ever. Hummingbird your jaw must have dropped at this one. Bizarro world.

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago
Reply to  marge

Right? You have no idea. I love how he “got frustrated” with her so she sent him back to me, but she “can’t turn him away, I won’t!” She’s beyond crazy. So they have each other now ????????‍♀️.

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago

Thank you. Yes, I know. Except they’re not my problem anymore. We’re divorced. They’re a circus of two now. She just felt it necessary to inform me of this bs.

Canmehjustgetherealready
Canmehjustgetherealready
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

Hummingbird, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you, I meant the OW, based off her message

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago

No–I knew you meant that! She is completely codependent and delusional, and dangerous. What I meant was that she sends me this and does need the book (and a lot of help), but I’m done with them both, so wouldn’t do it myself (not that you even meant that). They’re in their own schmoopie hole now without me.

Canmehjustgetherealready
Canmehjustgetherealready
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

Hahaha, Okay good! It sounds like they deserve each other!!

ZoeIsPissed
ZoeIsPissed
5 years ago

“I never held any power in our relationship”
UBT: The only possible thing I could do was sneak around, lie and gaslight you so I could feel important and adored. #Powertothecheater
“The marriage was already over when it started. We were going to get a divorce”
UBT: Even though this was never articulated by me, you should have been able to read my mind and get a clue that I wanted a divorce. I simply didn’t have the time to explain this to you. I was too busy lying and sneaking around. #yourfaultyoucan’treadmymind

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

Zoe, were we married to the same coward?

ZoeIsPissed
ZoeIsPissed
5 years ago

Maybe they are brothers ????

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago
Reply to  ZoeIsPissed

OMG I got the “we weren’t going to work anyway…” despite me sitting there in therapy every week for two years all the while he was sleeping with OW. Would’ve been nice to have been tipped off.

Sisu
Sisu
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

I got, “I think you knew this wasn’t going to work!” (Projection!)
My response, “I wouldn’t have moved to another state to be with you if I had known that. You made sure it wasn’t going to work when you decided to have an affair!”

BredWithAHorrorShow
BredWithAHorrorShow
5 years ago

(From my “co-parent” after the umpteenth time of cancelling/cutting short his once a week daytime plans with the kids):

“I’m not the one who asked for this divorce. You could have had me here helping with the kids all the time, but instead you quit on us. You chose this life. I’m doing the best I can with my situation, and if I need to change plans, it’s not because I want to – it’s because I have to work so I can save for an apartment so I can have the kids all the time. I’d love to have them all the time, but not everybody can be spoiled like you and have a house and 9-5 job. Sorry it gets in the way of your dating and social life, but it’s about the kids. Not about your anger at me. Stop trying to drag me back into your negative world.”

All. The. Time.

al
al
5 years ago

I have no kids, but this made my 55 old blood boil. Sorry, my UBT is broken right now.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

Sheesh, I kinda want to ship her a violin…

BredWithAHorrorShow
BredWithAHorrorShow
5 years ago

UBT: You deliberately married someone and had 3 kids right away, just so that you could divorce me and be a single working mom of 3 in diapers. You quit on providing cake after I went to WEEKS of therapy. I **helped**when we were married…you know…by letting you learn how to be an independent mom and handle it all while I went gallivanting with random girls until midnight. You’re welcome. The serial cheating you always bring up every time I mention your choice to quit? Fake news. And then you kicked me out of the house you bought and left me poor and destitute. I know it’s been several years but I still haven’t figured out how to secure living quarters where the kids can visit, or get a job that allows me to pay rent AND ALL THAT (minimal) CHILD SUPPORT you selfishly demand. These things take TIME. Stop being so negative when I cancel on you so I can “work”. Your negative mindset was the problem in the first place…it’s your fault really. All of it. It’s about the KIDS though.

Chumpoftwo
Chumpoftwo
5 years ago

wow, sound similiar to my situation. He is always the victim and its always our fault they refuse to have the kids/ shorten the contact time.

my ex owns the house though and proposed we move out (I havea 1 year old and 6 year old) so he can move back in before selling it, inwhich ill be lucky to get peanuts. HA! practically dillusional

hummingbird71
hummingbird71
5 years ago

OMG I got the “we weren’t going to work anyway…” despite me sitting there in therapy every week for two years all the while he was sleeping with OW. Would’ve been nice to have been tipped off.

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
5 years ago
Reply to  hummingbird71

It was so nice of you to go to therapy to improve yourself so you deserved him! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. /

(Hey, CL, I can’t get sign in to work. When I try to login, Patreon asks me to sign in to WordPress first, but WP won’t work for me either)

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

Said to the marriage counsellor: “I was hurt that Chumpinrecovery told her Dad about the affair.”
Translation: “I am upset that my image is being tarnished by Chumpinrecovery’s hurt and need for comfort from somebody who loves her.”
In response to an e-mail sent by my mother and on which he was copied implying that he might be having some sort of mid-life crisis: “that implies a level of unhingedness that I don’t think applies to me”
Translation: “It’s perfectly normal to buy an airplane, quit a high paying job, uproot the family and move half way across the country and then have two affairs and leave a 20+ year otherwise stable marriage in favor a married SAHM with five children, all within a four year period because that’s what rational people do. It’s not me making myself unhappy, it’s my environment making me unhappy and all I have to do is keep changing it up and I will eventually be happy”. Also, “There can’t possibly be anything wrong with me. I’m perfect and I would fall apart if I actually had to do any self-reflection at all beyond what’s in it for me”.
Somewhat more recently and almost a year post divorce: “Did I miss the invitation when you had brunch with my family earlier today? Have I offended you in some way? I am hurt and angry that I wasn’t included after being so accommodating this weekend”
Translation: “Why am I not the center of attention? How dare you all enjoy each other’s company without m?. I took our son to his baseball game the day before so where’s my reward for good behavior?”
Me: “ I am sorry you were offended. You had previously indicated that it made you uncomfortable to be around me and your family at the same time so I didn’t think you wanted an invitation”
Translation: “You had two affairs and left me in favor of a selfish slut with no morals, no compassion and no sense of decency. Yes you offended me”.

Fearful&Loathing
Fearful&Loathing
5 years ago

Have I offended you in some way?
????‍♂️ OMG

Can they not hear the insanity?

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago

they can’t hear the insanity.

my ex, in preparation for the impending divorce, called the cable company to change the bill from his name into my name. they said no. he then tried to ADD my name, so he could drop his name later and thereby accomplish the same and thing. when they again said no, he started screaming at them ” I can add her to my bill if I want!!! She my wife!!! Shes my spouse!!! we are MARRIED!!!”

I was standing there dumbfounded. He was doing this to leave me for another woman, knowing he’d destroyed our family, and it was only to relieve himself of a bill he’d created. He hadn’t claimed me as a wife in several years. I’ve often wondered if he was really that f’n stupid or it was just another way to twist the knife. I think that was one of the most painful things that was so unexpected. so damn obtuse ar how much pain it caused me.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago

Oh yes, and pre DDay “we aren’t communicating well” means “I have neglected to tell you that I am fucking strange”

Kar marie
Kar marie
5 years ago

Three corker’s….

You kar Marie have no business prying into or even asking about my personal life!

Being married to you ruined my relationship with her it’s all your fault. she has nothing to do with our marriage she’s innocent!

It’s not my fault I give mixed signals cause I don’t know what Im doing or what I want!

UBT: wow this guy is a total asshole. Run. Run quick run far. And don’t look back.

marge
marge
5 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yes. Run.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar, it reminds me of the Limited telling me he found someone and didn’t want me to ruin it for him.

Bridget
Bridget
5 years ago

During a huge arguement over moving me and the kids from the west coast to the east coast (out of the blue mind you and his idea). He tells me if “I don’t like then divorce my ass” then later tells me he didn’t mean it and doesn’t want a divorce. Fast forward two months later and he asks me for a divorce, he says, in the past six weeks I’ve done a lot of thinking and you’re not happy and I can’t make you happy. I still love you just in a different way and I want to still be friends.

Translate: He is the one who is unhappy and is directing the blame towards me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He also has a side piece, but won’t admit it.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

After I had thrown Hannibal Lecher out of the house, um, convinced him I needed time to think, he launched a full-court press to get me to sleep with him, and of course, forgive him his affairs. I received this message, just ripe for the UBT:

“In Anna Karenina, Dolly forgives her cheating husband. It is a deliberate act internally. She decides one day to do it and then proceeds from there, having made that decision. Sounds to me as if you can’t do that, don’t want to do that, that it will haunt you forever, that you find me repulsive sexually, that I am basically detestable to you.”

Kiminator
Kiminator
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Did he forget that she threw herself in front of a train, or was that somebody else?

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“I base my entire life off living through other people and demand that you do the very same as those people!” #peoplearecardboardcutouts

Persephone
Persephone
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Dolly lived in 19th century Russia, a period when women had little legal rights and choice. I do have a choice. Get out and stay there.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

#imnotawomanlivinginlate19thcenturyoppressiveRussia

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well, at least the “….that you find me repulsive sexually, that I am basically detestable to you.” part does not need the UBT.

“… it will haunt you forever…” Could the UBT understand “… can’t stand you being mighty forever after you are free of asshole me and I get no kibbles anymore?

phillygirl93
phillygirl93
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Did he read the whole book? Dolly ends up majorly regretting taking Stepan back. It turns out assholes don’t change.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  phillygirl93

he probably didn’t get that far in the Cliff Notes.

LezChump
LezChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOLol!!!

Drew
Drew
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Repulsive? Uh, #correct, #twistedlit #duh.

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

UBT: “You need to be more like a fictional character. Preferably Lady Chatterly. Or Anastasia Steele. Anything but a real person who can see me for what I really am.”

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Lol! Perfect.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You read my mind.

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Awe, look at the dolt quoting Tolstoy. Bitch needs to read himself some Ibsen.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

or “Girl on a Train”

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

Those selective literary cheaters are the worst.

RatInACage 3times
RatInACage 3times
5 years ago

After 10 years of zero sex because of her ‘bad back’. She says “I just have no libido now, but to make you happy we can have sex during a ‘date night’ once a week.” I reply “What about your bad back?” She then says “Well it doesn’t always hurt during sex”.

UBT: “I have no libido for YOU, but I somehow know that I can fuck and it doesn’t hurt my back”. #howmanydates#miraculoushealing

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

After years of having his back go out I attributed it to his fuckimg strange. #performsnceanxiety #noitsnotin

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago

#spreadingmylegswhenitsconvenientformeandmywallet

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

omg

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

the twatopotamus had a meme on her facebook page that read, “My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and a grace that’s saved my life.” Her own comments (no one else commented or liked it) “And God forgives, we learn, rise above and move on and forward.”

I think I’ve added a new nickname to my arsenal….

RaesOfChumpshine
RaesOfChumpshine
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

UBT: I have to fall back on the almighty, because only an invisible, non-defined force will listen to my self delusional blather. I better find one of those necklaces with the lower case “t” on it.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago

See, I do believe in God and I don’t see Him as an invisible or non defined force. And yes, God DOES forgive, but there has to be repentance, there has to be an honest attempt to go to the ones you’ve offended and ask for forgiveness. You don’t get to claim holiness when you make no efforts to actually BE holy.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

And that said, I’m not claiming to be holy. I’ve got my own demons.

But I’m not running around slogging in my sin and declaring I’m forgiven, either.

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Twatopotamus!! Bahahaha!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
5 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I was thinking Major Comeback or The Comeback Whore.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
5 years ago

“I wasn’t going to leave you”
Meaning: I went to crackhouses with prostitutes saw sex shows, promised prostitutes to go home with them, used alcohol and drugs with them, caught sti’s.
Now wonders why daughter doesn’t want to spend time with him, he doesn’t engage with her.

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Susan Devlin

“I wasn’t going to abandon my wallet, my babysitter, my housekeeper and the person who covers for my mental illness”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

#1: Confused chump wonders what she is doing wrong. Sparkledick answers: “Why am I in a bad mood? I’m in a bad mood because you make me feel bad”.

UBT: Keeping up the lies is a soooo damn much work, even with a chump. I have better things to do with my time, but I need someone to pay the bills because I am full of debt.

#2: Confused chump is trying to talk about retirement plans. Sparkledick becomes very angry and bellows in her ear: “I’m a failure and it’s YOUR fault!”

UBT: I know I am a master bullshitter and sell snake oil at my useless think tank.

#3: I won’t bore CN with the “We grew apart” shit.

cashmere
cashmere
5 years ago

“Ok, I had affairs, but what did YOU do?”

UBT=“I’m not only a jerk, but also a lazy one, so please gaslight and undermine yourself for me, and get back to me on that ASAP.”

Hahahaha. Nope.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

XBF was not a cheater in our relationship, but a profound liar. After lying about (a) his alcohol abuse; (b) smoking; (c) opiate use, AND having trickle truthed about more than 1 episode of cheating in his former marriage, had the audacity after the breakup to ask me, “What issues do you own from the relationship?”

I looked him square in the eyes (having been 100% honest & generous for 18 months) and asked him, “What should I own?”

He could not say ONE thing I had done wrong, averted his eyes, and said, “I guess it’s all me, then.”

Yup.

Micha
Micha
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Omg- you were dating my X! There can’t possibly be 2 of em out there with the exact same issues & exact same lines er lies

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“I own a tendency of picking f’d up men.”

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yeah… I got “ it’s 50/50…. and both of us are responsible for the outcome

UBT: you weren’t folding socks in correct way, and was leaving washed clothes in the laundry room, on the top of not earning money while being a full time student (4.0GPA) and taking care of our house and 3 children simultaneously … oh yeah… supporting my 1M dream and taking care of my mother

Vs

Me fucking any willing participant, posting ads online, exposing you / children to deadly diseases, lie and gaslight like there is no tomorrow…

50/50

????????????????

I still can’t believe that he was able to make me feel guilty, bad about myself and make me ???? like a ballroom competitive dancer….

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

It was so nice of you to go to therapy to improve yourself so you deserved him! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. /

(Hey, CL, I can’t get sign in to work. When I try to login, Patreon asks me to sign in to WordPress first, but WP won’t work for me either)

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
5 years ago

Oh, hell. Wrong reply. I rest my case re: sign in issues!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

????

ChumpyMcGill
ChumpyMcGill
5 years ago

STBX: “I haven’t done anything since we went to marriage counseling.”

UBT: “I learned a lot about OPSEC and you have no idea what I’ve been doing.”

STBX: “Woukd you consider an open marriage?”

UBT: “I want you to stay in a sexless marriage and pay my bills while I fuck other guys. You can get your own side piece and be a side piece too. What could go wrong?”

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyMcGill

“Nothing happened with EA affair partner” = “I only kissed her and spent time with her that should have go to the family. We didn’t have sex so it doesn’t count as an affair”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyMcGill

Same here…stay in a sexless relationship, do all the housework, take care of my mother when she comes down for the winter, pay 1/2 the bills while I fuck other women. Suuuuure, just sign me up! That old fool!

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Nomoreskankboy

Sounds like my life ????

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Anna

me too

UXworld
UXworld
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyMcGill

@ChumpyMcGill — the second one is my situation EXACTLY

wildcat
wildcat
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

#metoo

ChumpyMcGill
ChumpyMcGill
5 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

It also translates as “I’m not going to stop cheating and I’m tired of covering my tracks. Go get your own schmoopie.”

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyMcGill

Well, get your own shmoopie and watch me throw a shitfit about how much I hate her/him for Reasons. Oddly enough, an equitable relationship (open or otherwise) is never what cheaters want.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
5 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyMcGill

#metoo

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago

1. Why can’t you be warm and fuzzy like my friend’s widow?

UBT: She is my OW and she rocks. Unlike miserable old you.

2. I am wearing a ripped jacket, and my shoes have holes, give me more money, I am so broke.

UBT: I just bought myself a new Mustang for cash that I think you don’t know about.

3. I got an AIDS/std test though I never touched her, I just KNEW how suspicious a person you are.

UBT: I am afraid she gave ME something but I will make it look like I did it for you

Hopeful
Hopeful
5 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Ugh. My cheater actually did try and blame me for the STD.

I was 37 years old and had been with him – and ONLY him! – since I was 17. So when I got genital herpes it should have been a fucking HUGE red flag, right? Well somehow he tested negative for it. I was so confused and brainwashed that I allowed him to convince me that I’d *really* gotten it at age 16 from my prior boyfriend and it just laid there, dormant, without ever having any symptoms show for 21 YEARS!!! Moreover, despite the fact that we had been together for 20 years it somehow never passed on to him in all that time…

I finally got my head out of my ass when my doctor mentioned “seroreversion” as a relatively common phenomenon among testers. I begged cheater to get the Western Blot (the gold standard in testing) offered by a university lab, but despite me ordering the test kit for him he never did. So eventually I wised up enough to remember that I’d been tested for EVERYTHING under the sun when I’d changed my ob/gyn a couple of years prior. Got the records, and lo and behold – I was negative for hsv2 then! Proof positive that he gave it TO ME, no matter how hard he tried to distort the laws of medical science to make it look like the other way around.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Hopeful

Is it possible? My gyn was telling me it was not
I was tested for all during my pregnancy3 and all was negative.. somehow I’m positive now with HPV – my husband ( while fucking around for the past 16 years ) is negative

WTF?

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago
Reply to  Anna

There’s no HPV test for men. If he told you that he was tested for that, he lied. If you were tested for it before and it was negative, he gave it to you.

The body can fight off HPV. My jerk gave it to me, but it’s gone now. I still have the greatly increased cancer risk that goes with it, though. Find out what strain of HPV you have. You need to know if it’s a carcinogenic one.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Why is that ? Why is there no HPV test for men ? Inquiring minds want to know.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Chumperella

And the fucking gift keeps giving…. scheduled my gyn appointment tomorrow

Chumperella
Chumperella
5 years ago
Reply to  Anna

Let us know how it goes Anna. We’re here for you. ❤

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Good for you for getting the records! Sad that it comes to this in a relationship.

Owsleptwithhisbrothertoo
Owsleptwithhisbrothertoo
5 years ago

“I deserve to be happy. And i was unhappy.” Ok asshole. You all promise I’ll get to “meh” one day? I’m three weeks out from dday and feel like such a pathetic sack of shit.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
5 years ago

UBT: You made me unhappy -behold my blameshifting! – because I was too cowardly and pathetic to talk to you and either break up or do the work. But I had no problem lying to you and making you feel like a pathetic sack of shit.

It gets better sweetie! Xxx

Sisu
Sisu
5 years ago

UBT: I was perfectly happy until you found out I was cheating.

And I agree with ChumpyMcGill regarding Meh. Keep working on it : )

ChumpyMcGill
ChumpyMcGill
5 years ago

UBT: “I found an awesome slut. Who are you to get in the way of my selfish pleasure?”

You will reach Meh on Tuesday.

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

“You made me lie to you”
“ don’t we deserve to be happy” ( he meant me and him)
“ I worked my business for 20 years I should be able to retire” ( at the ripe old age of 55 and after he blew about $550k of our retirement money in the failing business and lying to me about it) oh I have not stopped working since I was 16

“You ruined it” (meaning mediation because I just couldn’t help but tell the TRUTH).

I’m sure I can think of more.

Sweetener
Sweetener
5 years ago

For context, NC since Nov. apart from a few short, business-like emails regarding insurance and taxes. I got this email 2 weeks ago after the divorce was finalized:

Begin message—-Subject: NOT BUSINESS RELATED
No need to respond to this email.
Even though it probably goes without saying; if you ever get to a place where you’re open to general communication again, I’d welcome it. If not or until then, take care and be well.
Creature —-End message

I cried like a baby when I read it. Why does he want ‘general communication’ when he’s free to sleep with whomever he wants now? (Not that being married stopped him) I can’t possibly still be kibble supply! Maybe it’s straight forward enough that it doesn’t need UBT but is there anything cloaked in this apparent extension of the olive branch?

Lania
Lania
5 years ago
Reply to  Sweetener

“I don’t want you to respond to this email but I want you to as well, for I am an inconsistent piece of shit and have no idea what I want for breakfast, let alone what I want in life – so I will just do random shit and hope it sticks, regardless of who it hurts or what happens”

Fearful&Loathing
Fearful&Loathing
5 years ago
Reply to  Sweetener

“Subject: NOT BUSINESS RELATED”
UBT: WARNING dangling intriguing shiny to get you to open this email

“No need to respond to this email.”
UBT: I don’t care what your response is, I just want to emotionally mess with you

“Even though it probably goes without saying; ”
UBT: you would divine this, and ever other thought I have, from the universe if you really cared and weren’t such a bitter bunny

“if you ever get to a place where you’re open to general communication again, ”
UBT: Again, bitter bunny #Easteriscoming

“I’d welcome it. ”
UBT: Yeah, kibbles!

“If not or until then, take care and be well.”
UBT: No kibbles? Talk to the hand.

Sweetener
Sweetener
5 years ago

“#Easteriscoming”

This whole translation is worthy of praise but I cracked up at this part!! Hah!

Thank you = )

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

Him: Every sentence in which he used the word “mistake”.

UBT: “I’m a douchebag. Let me prove it to you one more time by calling my douchebag behavior a “mistake”. Stay so you can keep making my dysfunctional life move forward while I go douche around and be my beard so I can make the people who are uncomfortable with my real sexuality comfortable so I can get what I want from them, too.”

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Gotta love the passive sentences used with “mistake” because they refuse to take agency.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree….mistake? Skankboy said “it just happened.”

UBT= mistake and it just happened means I take no responsibility for the fact that I have wondering eyes and a dick to match.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Truth.

Newlady15
Newlady15
5 years ago

How about:
—you move into the apartment you rented. Work on yourself and maybe we can reconcile in 6 months maybe we can even get remarried ( we weren’t divorced)
#gottagetdivorcedbeforeyouremarry

twiceachump
twiceachump
5 years ago

Dr. Cheaterpants caught pursuing DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic school (not his first schmoopie either). Nothing like an MD at the end of your name to make a 50 year old, walks with a limp, bald old man look attractive to a bimbo though. I kicked his arse to the curb this time and outed them to the school where he was dismissed from the school board and they were both fired from coaching.

In an effort of image management for both of them, I got a text from him ‘think about our children and especially our daughter before you go around running your mouth’.

Apparently he doesn’t have to think of them before he thinks of his dick.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Twiceachump

Think about what you say, cause it may hurt the children

Be a little puppy and shut your mouth, my fucking around and embarrassing our children is not an issue ( omg I can only imagine kids bringing the topic to your daughter ????????) but YOU TALKING about it is a damaging action

Entitlement and mind fuck

DiscoveryWasABitch
DiscoveryWasABitch
5 years ago

On the day the movers got there to move me I told my POS ex “I’m moving and my lawyer will be in touch”. He actually looked shocked and said “I would NEVER have left you”. I said “Sweetie, you left me the first time you f**ked another woman so you’ve been gone a LONG time!” I happily cash my alimony check every month and happily took most of his retirement. I sleep just fine at night!

Sweetener
Sweetener
5 years ago

“I would NEVER have left you”.

Oh wow – so you would have continued to eat your cake while screwing around? You wouldn’t have left ME after spreading your *&^%! around? How noble! We could all learn a thing or two from this saintly specimen.
What is with these people? My ex-h also told me he was surprised when I told him I was going through with the divorce. He told me he “had faith in my forgiving spirit”. Gag me!
ffs

Persephone
Persephone
5 years ago
Reply to  Sweetener

He had faith in your chumpiness. And you disappointed him. Bad bad you.

phillygirl93
phillygirl93
5 years ago

Ex: “I don’t get why we can’t still be friends. You used to be so nice to me. What happened to you?”

UBT: You used to be my chump. What happened to that? I miss it when you had zero boundaries and were pick me dancing for my approval.

I should point out that he sends me dick pics and gets pissed off when I don’t reply. Not exactly a super friendly thing, ya know?

marge
marge
5 years ago
Reply to  phillygirl93

Omg. Tell him you will start forwarding all texts to his parents.

was just another chump
was just another chump
5 years ago
Reply to  marge

and employers and his current schmoopie with the forwarding from address highlighted so she knows he’s “communicating” his dick portfolio to NOT HER).

I’m pretty sure our chump guys already know dick pics are not stimulating except as sources of derision and laughter.

Hopeful
Hopeful
5 years ago

“I know it’s hard for you to believe that we were meeting in hotel rooms without having sex but I swear to you we would just sit on the bed and watch football games. She’d gone through a lot, and when she didn’t want to I just respected her instead of pushing the issue.”

UBT: Maybe if I appeal to that feminazi crap you spew about respecting women then you’ll be too impressed by my magnanimity to notice how stupid I think you are to believe we just sat there and watched football games.

phillygirl93
phillygirl93
5 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Does he know that sports bars are a thing? He could go watch a football game for way cheaper than a hotel room. If that’s indeed what he was really doing…which I highly doubt.

Fearful&Loathing
Fearful&Loathing
5 years ago

“She ended it so she could refocus on her husband”
“No, you can’t talk to her, she doesn’t want any dr