It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like D-Day…

falalalaOne of the lasting “gifts” of infidelity for me is that the holidays can’t roll around without me thinking, “Someone’s going to have a D-Day right about now.”

D-days, otherwise known as “discovery days” or “damn my life is nothing like I thought days” or “dial a lawyer now days”,  can happen anytime, but they’re more prevalent around the holidays. It’s hard for cheaters to juggle their double lives, but it’s doubly hard at the time of year that puts a premium on family togetherness. Worse, the holidays mean gift-giving. The chances of being exposed are exponentially greater.

Schmoopies will demand attention.

Chumps will stumble over receipts for gifts not intended for them.

Children will wonder where mom or dad went — and who works all day on Christmas Eve?

Somewhere a chump is exhausted doing all the holiday prep work alone and unsupported. Somewhere a chump or chump children are expressing needs and desires, putting horrible demands for kibbles upon cheaters. Oppressive demands like “be my date at the office Christmas party” or “We need to drive to my parents and open presents with the kids.”

Most frustrating of all for cheaters is that most of them will get actual time off from work. Offices shutter. Gone are the ready-made excuses for business trips, late meetings, or urgent boss requests. The lies get crazier, a bit more desperate. The disconnect wider. The neglect more obvious.

And things fall apart.

The Other Woman gets uppity. The cheater didn’t leave his family by the appointed hour. She faces another holiday of side dish status. She blows the whistle and calls the chump.

The chump wonders where his wife is. Again. He buys the GPS tracking system at the Black Friday sales.

The cheater gets sloppy. The chump discovers.

Let’s hope Santa brings every new chump a shiny, pit bull lawyer for Christmas. Let’s pray that every chumped child gets a sane parent who even with a devastated heart gives them the gift of showing up and loving them 24/7.  Let’s pray for the true friends who reveal themselves as the Switzerland friends recede. Let’s give thanks for the kind stranger who leaves gifts and groceries to the suddenly single, abandoned mom.

Let’s hope all the newly minted chumps find us and find the better lives they richly deserve.

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mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

So true.

My D-day was 28th December when I discovered the ‘Text’ on her phone. At least I found out after xmas day, though how she could sit opposite me at the table whilst we sat eating our xmas dinner, whilst all the while she was thinking about another man baffles me.

Last Xmas was horrible, again her self centred ways demanded that she have our children most of xmas day, spending it with her latest boyfriend. I could understand if she wanted the kids and spent the day with er family, but no..she was in another state, with someone she had known 8 months! Whilst I did the family visits with our kids, giving presents to her family on xmas Eve.

This year I am spending the days before xmas with my lovely chump girlfriend and her family, will be collecting my lovely kids on xmas day morning and driving 300 miles to spend the next few days with my family and looking forward to it.

Hopefully the new membership to chump nation isn’t too high this year, if it does and anyone happens to read this it gets better, slowly, but it gets better.

Happy holidays chump nation!

Rickb89
Rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Truth

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  Rickb89

My EX, grandpa daddy tried D26, at the beginning, to meet his now 24 yr old baby momma”oh just get use to it, she (scumbalina) gonna be around for next 20 years.”
Guess his a visionary, they just had a baby 5 months ago lol
Welcome to you new retirement fuck you up fund. Lmao
Neither one of my children are interested in Do Over Dads gf, who is 24, Ex 53…..someone wrote,
Diapers, dementia, death mmhhhmm
Hey this shit bizarre!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Add me to this screwed up club. Within months of me sending her packing boyfriend was spending the night in the condo I was paying for. Daughters were staying with me. And she was upset I wanted full custody of them and they got the first gas lighting with the “I want you to spend a week at a time with me”. At least I get to teach them about gas lighting early before someone else does it to them. The stay with me was due to the fact she wouldn’t get the money for child support! The kids did tell her after the divorce they wouldn’t be staying with her since he moved in. Early Christmas gift to X and kids was teaching kids about manipulation by a narc!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

What is it with the “must thrust my new girl/boyfriend down my children’s throats” shortly after the divorce (or before it is even final)? My X did this to my oldest daughter months after the divorce was final (and we now know the GF was his last AP). Over a year and a half out, he still won’t just have dinner with DD unless slutress and her two children are with him.

And he wonders why DD21 only spent 2 out of 20 days at his house last Christmas break.

Caroline
Caroline
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

that’s the slutresses doing. It’s very common for AP’s, having ”won” now need to make a big song and dance of how they are in fact the winners and the one thing their prize often really wants other than them… is their children. Some obviously fuck off and never look back, but for those who are trying to maintain some form of relationship with their kids, having ended their world, they’re seen as competition…. and we know how AP’s thrive on competing!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Want to talk about shoving an AP down a kid’s throat? Mine moved his out-of-town mistress into his apartment four months after we separated… Having to abide by a 50/50 shared custody knowing that my elementary school kid was so distressed she could not sleep at his place was the hardest thing I had to do… My stomach turns in disgust just thinking about it.

StarbucksGal
StarbucksGal
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

They don’t want to be alone with kids afraid they will get ‘reamed’ by the kids. So they bring others as buffers.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My dad was a cheat. I have never ever seen him on his own. Not ever! He abandoned the family and went abroad with his OW who left her husband and two boys. They married shortly after and are still married. I had to live with them for two years as my mothers ‘revenge’.
She is a permanent marriage police force. My dad isn’t allowed to go anywhere without her. He is an extreme narc. It was amazing to watch the lengths she went to to keep him out of trouble and be all things to him.
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer pair….
Anyway. I don’t think narcs can BE with their children. Children need effort and demand attention and conversation. My dad rarely spoke to me until I got older and could be impressed by his fitness goals and personal bests.
His OW had to talk to us, feed us, and think of stuff to do.
He couldn’t even look after a plant. His brain is all about him.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn, your description of your dad sounds like my cheater. I hope he won’t attempt to keep our son. Too much work. Was never involved. Just started recently connecting doing excercises together. Wants to get praise from a 9year old for his newly built muscles and flat belly.

On the other hand, narcs are also revengeful. I have seen mine in legal battles with his step mom over his dad’s properties. I don’t want to be on the other side. The stake is too high.

As my date of flight is approaching I get nervous..

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Well longtime if he is like my dad he will not have any interest in having children around. He could not be any less interested. I am like a mirror for him. He looks or speaks to me and it is always about him literally.
He is so into fitness. When I was a child he took the swings off their frame so he could use it as a gymnastics bar. He put the swings up in the garage – OVER THE INSPECTION PIT. Honestly until a friend of mine saw pictures of us swinging over this huge drop onto concrete I never thought about how deranged it was!!

I would say keep your calm. You know him. You know what you want. You know where his soft spots are. Use your head. Let his need for kibbles keep him away. With my dad if you are not in his eyeline you don’t exist.
Get a good lawyer. Document. Be ready. I wish I could be more help.
I have hundreds more funny stories!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Mine was always an intellectual type. Never overweight. But never into sports really. Tall and handsome. Women flying over like bees to nektar. In the past few years he has been into running and weight lifting and excercising like crazy. Built muscles and I used to complement him over that. But my perspective is: I am happy that you are healthy and taking good care of yourself. While his is: I am aging, grey hair, flabby skin…interest maybe lost…i need to do something about it. He brags to his 9 year old son!!! Such a show off. I really hope he won’t be interested in a child.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

For the worst of these people, spouses and kids and other family members are at best props they move around to show that they are “normal.” Lacking empathy, they don’t think about how other people feel or what they need. They want the image of a family they have created in their own minds, so they can switch out the spouse for the AP, switch out their biological children for the AP’s kids, or make everyone live out a Brady Bunch fantasy. None of it is real.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Exactly this.
My dad a couple of years ago (I am 99% NC) started sending texts to me quite regularly. I though maybe a person was stirring inside of him but he quite happily said when I mentioned it that he has to send someone a text every month to keep the cheap cell phone charges……..

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oh my God, Capricorn! I laughed but I want to cry! This is so pathetic! And us as well. You still trued to find a human inside him. Do we EVER learn?!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Longtime.
I did laugh actually, after a long WTF shaped pause…
Now I just mess with his mind by remembering his personal bests of years past. He hates getting older and slower.
I one asked my dad and his OW wife what they had learned as they got older (I was sitting with two of my boys who were just in their teens and had only ever seen him once before) and they both started a long and animated conversation about the worst thing about aging which was the loss of attractiveness to the opposite sex.
I had sort of hoped for an age beings wisdom and calm and perspective kind of chat for the boys but no they talked about flirting and ‘invisibility’ of older people (they are in their seventies….).
Led to quite a few astonished looks around the table lol.
A Petri dish of narcs – always something yucky growing.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Wow Capricorn – a video of that scene with your dad and his OW would make excellent teaching material for “how to spot ageing narcissists”. Your dad has a particularly unfortunate combination of NPD plus no filter. Thank God for your grandmother and your teachers and your resilience!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“A Petri dish of narcs – always something yucky growing.”

Love this metaphor, Capricorn!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

My parents are similar to Capricorns…my father seems weirded out by my work (caring for the dying) one of his parenting methods was to belittle me and infer that I would never have adult responsibilities like him. I was helping him at their house one day and playing music but dad didn’t like my music so he said “No wonder babies want to die if this is what they would listen to if they lived”. OMG…. it’s ok that babies die because he doesn’t like Flo Rida?

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Wow! So sorry you had to grow up with someone like that. At least he is clueless and mentioned the real reason to you before you gave him too much hope! I hope you sent a reply to find another sucker and you were blocking his number! I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to have a parent like that.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Well….he’s the nurturing parent. My mom is a stone cold psychopath. No empathy, lots of contempt, sneers, mocking rages and blisteringly silent days.
I was lucky- I had a grandmother, a string of nurturing teachers and an aptitude for reading and school.
I could always see somehow that my parents were the exception not the rule. Despite being chumped I still trust and like people generally
Lots of genes that code for happy and well adjusted obviously!

ChumpDude
ChumpDude
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn,

That’s a challenging family life to say the least. Kudos to you for transcending all of that. Good genes indeed!

Knowing a little of your story (what you’ve shared here), we’ve both endured crappy family environments. And we both became chumps. And we’ve both given so much of ourselves to people who didn’t deserve us while feeding off of crumbs. Sometimes I think there’s something to this business of codependency arising from family-of-origin psychopaths and narcissists. We learn to become experts at the Pick Me Dance at an early age.

Yesterday a Switzerland friend reached out via text after not hearing from him for two years to see how I was doing. I texted back that the holidays were hectic but I was doing well (which was a bit of a stretch, but that’s what I wanted to share. I don’t trust him with my truth.). I was polite and asked him how he and his family were. He said life was great and family life is the best. I felt sick to my stomach. He knows my story. He’s also gay and is still with his partner of 20 some years, and they adopted a child about 3 years ago. Am I to expect some sensitivity from friends? Or it is on me to be happy he’s happy. I’m still angry and jealous of other’s happiness. That’s sad.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My ex whore still tries to get our daughter to her apartment on Christmas with her new Mr Awesome..daughter will have nothing to do with that scenario going on 3 years now…slut mommy still doesn’t get it..I am thankful she pulled her cheating shit after our daughter was 17 so she’s always been able to make up her own mind if she wants to visit crazy land, which she doesn’t and has spent all holidays with me as our son (son flat out told her she belongs on Jerry Springer..I can’t imagine holidays without my kids but that’s the life she’s carved out for herself)

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

You guys want a good one? My X, two days after dday and before we even told the kids that we were divorcing, he picked up my kids from school, took them to a store nearby where MOW (at the time, his now W) and two of her four kids were waiting and introduced her, said that he was leaving me because Mommy is mean, this is whore and we are going to be having sleepovers at her house. No shit guys. My kids were 10 and 12 at the time. They came home and told me we met whore and her kids are cute and daddy said that he was leaving because your mean and we are going to have sleepovers there. I was fucking floored! Two days before he had told me about the A, TWO DAYS GUYS!!!! and we hadn’t even told them that we were divorcing!!!!

Cynamon
Cynamon
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My STBXH didn’t bother to wait until after the divorce to introduce the children to his One True Love. As a matter of fact, he did it while we were still married and I was blissfully unaware. I could not understand why my children (still in diapers at the time) kept telling me that they “had two mommies” and asked if I was “still their mom.”

After knowing The Slut for 5 months, he knew that she was his One True Love (after all, she left HER married lover to be with him) and ditched his family.

Four months after he discarded us, he assaulted me in front of our horrified children. I moved out a few weeks later and the next day, The Slut moved in.
They now live together with my children (half the time) and with her two children from her different lovers.

Makes me sick!

As for the holidays, I found out later that he lavished her and her children with gifts but gave me and the children cheap shit.

I despise them both.

blondebarrister
blondebarrister
7 years ago
Reply to  Cynamon

My cheater likewise introduced the ho-worker AP to my then 5 year-old daughter. What is wrong with these sick fuck??

Happytoberid!
Happytoberid!
7 years ago

Well my ex promised he wouldn’t introduce her to the kids, then I found out from my 3 year old son that he’d introduced her 2 weeks after he left under a fake name!!!! How low can you get please??? theu both make me sick! I’d be so ashamed of myself honestly

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

OW brought one of those huge lollipops for my daughter to my late husband’s retirement ceremony.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I made sure no nonfamily adults for a year was in the MSA. My X was all too glad to agree because he wanted a new shiny start with AP without the kids. Also, he said it was a good stipulation since it went both ways because he didn’t want another man around his daughters.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes mine forced her on our daughter too, by lying about where he was taking her and going to AP”s house. Our daughter is 27 and was not impressed…

pkidza
pkidza
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Mine introduced the AP to the kids a few days after announcing she wanted a divorce. I think maybe it is just pretending to be a happy family as mickeyblueeyes said?

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  pkidza

Yes, pushing their agenda as the good guy/girl image, everyone gets along with me except Chump, I did nothing wrong, I’m happy now, as they’re pretending to be the happy family.
They’re never genuinely happy, this too will grow old and resentments build once the shine dulls and the blame game will begin. They will always blame someone else for their unhappiness because they’re perfect in their own eyes and will be always.. Masterminds of excuses to blame someone other than themselves for their unhappiness.

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

What’s funny is as they push their good guy agenda, their logic is so twisted that they don’t even see it. STBX says I was so mean he had to be out of the house with his OW missing every weekend and out late during the week. But, wait, his 12 y.o. daughter wasn’t ‘mean’ to him. So why was he lying and not around for her? Why did, why does, he make his daughter suffer?

Why didn’t he leave the house and take his daughter out with him and spend time with her away from me, the mean old bitch? He left our daughter to be with me while he ‘escaped’?

Hmmmm.

He said I used him when I got with him because I was unemployable. But he got with me because I could type fast and I had years of experience in a front office. I had gone back to school and received 4 certificates for Office admin., computer operator, data entry, desktop publishing. One teacher got me a $500 scholarship and referred me to another teacher to work for him after school. The first job I applied for after our daughter was born, I got. But his narrative is that I was unemployable.

And then, he says I planned it this way all along! To be with him this long and then leave and take him for all his money! Well, when we got together we had nothing. No money. We were both starting with next to nothing. His parents gave us a couch and bed from a yard sale. So, you see, I knew he’d be making 6 figures and in 10 years I’d take him for all of it!! I am so diabolical. Ummm, if I wanted money, wouldn’t it make more sense to stay with him? Divorce is costly! My savings is quite depleted. I’m living month to month paying the mortage and camping payments he left me with. Thank goodness for the court ordered support because he wanted to pay only a little for child support and give nothing to me at all. My lawyer said, “He wants to throw you away and pay as little as possible.”

Bingo. If the young girl he is living with was smart, she would see that the evil he treats me and his daughter with … that’s who he is… that is the treatment awaiting her some day when the infatuation has worn off. He is not happy – he is on his infatuation high. She doesn’t realize it’s all about him. That she’s being used. For his ‘happiness’.

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
7 years ago
Reply to  pkidza

My stbx left Jan 2015. Rented big expensive house in posh neighborhood with his coworker (26 years younger than him and AP is 9 years older than our daughter) and then it was a month later our daughter was introduced to AP. The one who ‘saved’ him from me as I was so ‘mean’ behind closed doors. The things they tell people to justify their actions. He just got back from camping trip with AP with new off road toy (but cries he can’t afford support the court ordered). But he is angry and miserable. He will always be angry and miserable. She can have him. I think they pretend to be ‘happy’. My stbx said he wanted to be ‘happy’. Blowing up a family and lying and cheating to be ‘happy’. No, you can’t argue or reason with crazy. And they cannot really be happy. They do not have the capacity. My heart goes out to everyone during the holidays. I took my daughter on a little trip over Thanksgiving. I got to see her smile for the first time in a long time.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Ditto: STBX has taken AP on many exotic expensive trips to places he never even mentioned wanting to go to, let alone take me in 25 years of marriage .. “But he is angry and miserable. He will always be angry and miserable. She can have him. I think they pretend to be ‘happy’. My stbx said he wanted to be ‘happy’. Blowing up a family and lying and cheating to be ‘happy’. No, you can’t argue or reason with crazy. And they cannot really be happy. They do not have the capacity.”
This!

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Unless your ex has a ton of money, the OW will not stick around with a miserable “old”er man. Right now she has the nice place to live (rental) and he is buying neat toys but that’ll get old, especially when he starts crying poor mouth to her.

newme
newme
7 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Why do they think it is ok to introduce the AP so soon?? The world will never know the answer to this question. My x told my boys that he was “dating” before the divorce was final. And oh yeah, I was dating her while I was married to your mother. He thinks they are going to have big family gathering and everything is going to be great. My DIL will not have anything to do with her. I hate him and everything about him and his whore.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  newme

I asked my ex the same question, as within a month of leaving he wanted to hang out with OW (elder son’s music teacher of 2 years) & her kids in his rare time with them. He actually said “they should be happy for me”.
Zero empathy. He avoided domestic chores and dad responsibilities so another motivation was wanting OW to do all that boring shit like food prep and washing clothes

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Be sure you introduce evidence of the “new off road toy” at any hearings on support. When I was a practicing attorney I had one very memorable case where the ex of my client went into court asking to have his child support “burden” reduced because he couldn’t afford the child support and the lease payment on his Mercedes coupe. Both lawyers and the Magistrate who heard the case were female. His poor attorney was clearly mortified to be making the argument. The Magistrate was … not kind. Probably the easiest win of my career and one of the most satisfying.

findingpeace
findingpeace
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thank you Beth. He was trying to use the off road toy to entice our daughter to see him and go on a trip. I found out yesterday from our daughter – she said she didn’t even want to sit in it. This is a vehicle she has always wanted to drive so badly, too. For months he has railed on about how he can’t afford support. He told me – and our daughter – that if I didn’t accept his pitiful offering of support he would sell the house and we’d have to move. (A house his daughter wants to stay in – she grew up here!) And then he buys this thing. He says I have ‘tainted’ our daughter against him! Uh, no, he has done that all by himself with his selfish, cold actions and buy putting his OW before his own daughter. But he can’t see that. He just has no clue because has no empathy, no compassion – only insane selfish ambition. I am so thankful for this site and you guys.

I'veBeenJillted
I'veBeenJillted
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, thank you for this piece of advice. My sister divorced a narc a few years ago and periodically he makes noise about how poor he is and threatens court to reduce child support. My sister is a deaf education teacher, he’s a bonds analyst for Wells Fargo. He takes multiple trips overseas every year to places like Thailand, where you can guess what recreational activities he pursues. Those CS payments are cutting into his prostitution fund.

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago

IBJ, wonder how much bonus that bond analyst gets per year ? Shit Stumpf got major bucks, thieves!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

She might want to drop the FBI a tip about his frequent trips to Thailand for sex tourism. They have ramped up efforts to curb the practice:

https://www.humantrafficking.co.za/index.php/news/1184-fbi-report-from-thailand-september-2016

I'veBeenJillted
I'veBeenJillted
7 years ago

When narc arrived Thanksgiving morning to pick up the kids, he had a *brand new* girlfriend riding shotgun. Kids were not happy.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I don’t get it either…probably trying to fake/forced “Happy Families”.

Would I have wanted to spend xmas with someone other than family and in unfamiliar surroundings – no! Again it’s the classic selfish, um-empathetic view of a cheater that leads them to do this I guess.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

this > probably trying to fake/forced “Happy Families”.

Cheater ex will not visit his family who lives in another state unless D19 goes with him. I think it’s because he wants to show his family that he has a good relationship with her and she makes him look good. She’s in college so she has less time available with school and work and she has a hard time saying no to him. If she does say no, he either lays a guilt trip on her (grandma won’t be around much longer) or get tickets to a pro game to entice her to go. He canceled his plans to see his family last summer because she wasn’t available and he’s trying to get her to go with him over Christmas break.

He also travels for work to some nice places but never invites her to go with him on those trips. The reason? He admitted during wreckonciliation that has one night stands when he travels. If she was with him, it would ruin his fun. She of course, doesn’t know any of that.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

My STBXW introduced my kids to her AP 3 months after we split! When he died and she met someone else within a month and introduced my kids to him 3 months after AP died i voiced my objection and concern…what was it met with from the disordered wench…

“It’s as if you don’t want me to be happy!”

You can’t argue with crazy

AmIFinallyDone
AmIFinallyDone
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

And they all want us to be happy!

(Oh yeah, happy for them!)

FreeNow
FreeNow
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

MBE, such disordered and narcissistic behavior. Sorry you had to go through this.

I was laying in hospital bed post cancer surgery #3 just 5 months after DD and STBXH blew up our family right after the holidays as he couldn’t keep his lies straight. He insisted our adult son and wife meet AP. He said,”come on it’s been almost 6 months”. It’s time to move on”.

It didn’t go well and the karma bus, while slower than I would like, is en route.

These things have a way of coming back to you. All of friends and neighbors have been incredibly supportive and loving. Not a one stuck by him. My family, sans him, is intact, loving, committed to my healing and supportive of my new joy filled life.

While kicking a cheater to the curb while battling aggressive cancer has been the hardest thing I have ever done, it’s the powerful foundation of my life now. Trust me is solid, authentic and worth the pain and suffering.

While not cancer free yet, I’m committed to healing, on my way to a joy-filled life and feeling illuminated. I plan to light my own way to a beautiful holiday season filled with genuine loving family and friends.

We chumps have incredibly resilient spirits that cannot be broken. Group chump hug today; stay mighty!

findingpeace
findingpeace
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

FreeNow, Thank you for showing us the strength that comes going through incredible pain and suffering. “The powerful foundation of your life.” That’s awesome.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

FreeNow, you are an amazing beacon of light!

chump change
chump change
7 years ago

Wow, just wow. You are beyond amazing! See your myself healthy and strong again Free Now!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

Free now, you inspire me with your mightiness!!!! 🙂

Moose
Moose
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

Free Now..you are a warrior!

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  Moose

FreeNow, you are really a super trooper!
God bless you!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

MBE, that is just screwed up! Everything I read is not to introduce kids to new partner for at least 1 year. She should be classified as certifiably insane and time limited to kids with supervised visitation. Our society deems that cruel though. Yeah, it’s cruel to the kids not the X! Hope your Christmas plans go through without too much BS from X!

Gaslight_burning
Gaslight_burning
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Ug, this a sore subject here for sure. STBX only moved out 3 months ago. Even though he’s been a total absentee dad for our twin 2-year-olds all year (and has never taken them anywhere more than 3 hours) he wants to take them for a full week after Christmas, two states away to “visit his sister”….which I know really means he’ll be hanging out with his out-of-state mistress and her two kids all holiday (she separated from her husband the same time my spouse left me). Confirmed this with the mistress’s husband too [we used to all be friends]).

WTF. Does he want to play “happy family” together? Does he want to impress her with his fabulous parenting skills? Does she realize she’d be taking care of my toddlers the whole damn week because he won’t do any of the heavy lifting? Do they realize their four confused kids will be swimming in this soup of lies and weirdness? Do the kids’ feelings even remotely ping on their delusional, self-absorbed radar?

I want to prevent the whole trip. I think it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to behave this way in front of four kids. He sees nothing wrong with it and keeps flaunting the phrase “kids are resilient” like a get-out-of-jail-free card for his whims and need to impress her. Just because they can be resilient does not give you license to ignore their feelings and have no care to how they’ll view healthy relationships..and successful holidays…for the rest of their lives!!!!

Fuming so much. Lawyer is filing papers this week.

-Emily

Gaslight_burning
Gaslight_burning
7 years ago

FindingPeace, I’ve seen that too, the justification for cheating because “it worked out fine in my family”. I’m so sorry your daughter has to put up with that attitude and it sounds like you are doing your best to counter those life lessons for your daughter. My STBX has a father that cheated, and a brother who left his wife for someone else when their kids were young..their kids are out of the house now and “turned out just fine” (though if you talk to the grandma, that wasn’t the case AT ALL and there were major frictions with the stepparents). My STBX holds that as his standard for “normal” behavior and circumstances..when the going gets rough in marriage, that’s a sign it’s time to “just move on”. Like it’s some sort of high school breakup instead of the destruction of a family. Ug.

findingpeace
findingpeace
7 years ago

Dear gaslight-burning, I do not think the kids feelings even remotely ping on their delusional, self-absorbed radar (like how you put that!). They can’t consider anyone else’s feelings but their own superficial “I must feel good” mindset. My stbx is impatient and irritated that our daughter doesn’t just accept his pitiful ‘I’m sorry’ for lying and deceiving you, and be back to her normal self instead of not wanting to see him. There’s no humility or remorse from him, just agitation that people are not acting the way he wants them to act. He then told me that his mom cheated in front of him with another man – did it suck, did he get over it? Yes – so our daughter will just have to get over it.
I was speechless. So cold and heartless – just because he was subjected to things by his parents that were very hurtful, he has the green light to inflict same on his own child? They have no soul.
(His dad also left his 2nd wife to go live with young girl for a while. Then he went back to the wife. So his family has a history of affairs. One thing I’m teaching my daughter – when you meet a young man – look at his family – look at what is ‘normal’ for them and decide if that’s acceptable for you)

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

How about a selfish prick who convinced our sixteen year old son to move out of our home to go live with dear old dad. Because it wasn’t enough pain for our other two kids to lose their father; they also lost their brother.

Meanwhile, our teen felt really special and wanted by his father. All the way up to the day they moved in to the bachelor pad and my son found girly items in the bathroom and living areas. When he told his father the previous owners must have forgotten stuff, his father replied, “Well, Bimbo and her daughter are moving in, too. You don’t have a problem with that, DO YOU?!”

Hurt and confused, our sixteen year old asked why he invited him to move with him. With no consideration of his feelings, his father said, “Because I can’t pay child support to that excuse of a mother for all all three of you.”

We didn’t get divorced until 10 months later. By then, my son had long returned home.

I manage to live life pretty happily these days, until a memory like this one puts me right back to rage. How I hated him for that dunderheaded move!

TodoVa
TodoVa
7 years ago

I’m not even a third into the comments and I’m already pist off. Mad that it happened to my daughters and myself and hella mad that it’s universal!

If there would be no chance of any of us getting caught, I would start a thread in the forums that listed nothing but addresses. Addresses of the fuckwits that mess with us and our children. Any chump feeling like they got nothing to do and have a spare minute, go to fuckwits addresses and just beat the shit out of them. All anonymous, of course…in every aspect of the actions!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

B+ for honesty; F for being a good father.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago

“Because I can’t pay child support to that excuse of a mother for all all three of you.”

Oh. My. God.

That poor child!

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago

Me and my young daughter’s world was blown apart on November 1st 2015. We huddled on the floor crying while he stood over us, smirking. I will never forget, I will never forgive.

I weep and pray for those living this nightmare this holiday season.

And I will keep my ear to the ground for those that live near so I can pay it forward with a copy of Tracy’s book, a gift card and a link to ChumpLady.com.

StarbucksGal
StarbucksGal
7 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

Mine told DD and I ‘everyone cheats’ with a big stupid grin on his face. WTF?

whodoesthat
whodoesthat
7 years ago
Reply to  StarbucksGal

Ha ! This is what my son was told told by the fucktard too … Most people get a divorce ….so its normal . thanks dad . I hope to god my kids don’t get married with that sentiment ringing in their heads .

Mama duck says quack quack
Mama duck says quack quack
7 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

Smirks. They cut sharper than a sword. But I’m so thankful for them. If not for them , I would not be able to see through him.
Me: How in the world can you be at peace when you brought the house down on us? (sleeping, eating, having fun and fucking the very same prostitute like nothing happened)
Him: smirk
Me: You look harmless but are a predator.
Him: smirk (proudly)
I trust you all that they suck, they sure do. Whenever I am tempted to think of him as the loving, devoted Christian family man the smirks bring me back to my senses.

Mama duck says quack quack
Mama duck says quack quack
7 years ago

Meant to post under FarBetterOff’s post and the other posters about the evil smirks.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

Praying too. Hoping to be one that helps others in need. I will never forget either. Cheaters are soulless.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  FarBetterOff

Smirking; that is cold. F’ing sociopath.

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

During false Wreckonciliation, my Gaslighter leaned towards me for one of his quick impersonal hugs. He was wearing the Smirk, and then, for a split second, his face turned frighteningly demonic. Literally. Like one of those Halloween pictures or The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland when the persons face looks normal at first, then changes into a ghoul from a different angle. I swear I saw into his soul. Pure Evil. It really scared me. I’ll never forget it.

Renee
Renee
7 years ago
Reply to  chump change

Chump Change–Never, never, never, NEVER, NEV. ER doubt that what you saw was exactly what you described.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Sometimes I can barely remember Jackass’s face, but I can still see the smirk.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I’ll never forget the smirk either. I get chills just thinking about it.

I'veBeenJillted
I'veBeenJillted
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

During Wreckonciliation, cheater took me to a tapas bar frequented by AP and her posse of fellow teacher friends. While having drinks, a woman approached our table and introduced herself as a friend of Jill’s. Cheater, bold as brass, said “Nice to meet you, this is my wife, Chump”. The look on her face was priceless, but I couldn’t enjoy it at the time because I found myself openly sobbing in full view of other patrons. Did cheater rescue me? No, he sat smirking and refused to leave. He told me, “Hey, why should we leave? You won the prize!” He thinks he’s a prize. And actually, no, he was continuing underground with AP.

But, yeah. That smirk.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

A fitting trophy for the “prize.”
horse's ass trophy

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Do you know where that trophy can be purchased??? It would make a lovely Secret Santa gift…

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out
I'veBeenJillted
I'veBeenJillted
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, if you only knew how appropriate this is! He’s an army major, a ‘badge hunter’ and trophy/diploma/certificate hound. His home office is a shrine to himself. Wish I could post a pic. It’s breathtaking.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Yes, the smirk. I won’t forget that shit either. It’s right under their mask that slips. It’s disgusting and evil. Ex wore his for sometime after he left me for his whore. According to their co-workers, he walked around with a smirk. Maybe he’s possessed.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

I think the smirk means “Fuck you Chump, and all that you represent (family, home, and responsibilities).” It means: “I am the most important thing in the world because my schmoopie says I am. Obviously, Chump, you had your priorities wrong…so fuck off!”

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

It’s the cheater smirk I swear they all have it…my ex whore had it along with her stupid ass grin. Not a care in the world as she was blowing up the family

FSTL
FSTL
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Oh, I got the Smirk as well… but quite often when she was telling a lie as she clearly felt superior in telling it and thinking she had one up on me. It went when I tool the power away and told her I knew she was lying (at which point it turned to rage or pity).

She also smirked when she told me her Fuckbuddy “would never give up chasing her or let her go”. He let her go as soon as I left her……

Katrina1
Katrina1
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Omg. Do all sociopath narcs have the smirk. It’s the word my daughter always uses about his face! Can’t believe so many and so uninspired. Do they all read the same book!

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago

There’s a new Christmas trend of clear plastic balls with stuff inside. I feel like going to Michaels and building a chump line of baubles.little characters inside that represent everyone in this unfortunately rote story we all live…. “Bitter bunny” wrapped in tinsel and with wild eyes the little rabbit scours a tiny charm shaped like a phone for illicit messages; saint dick – hazy drunk eyed elf on the shelf shoved into the ball which also plays the song “it wasn’t me” when shaken; tiny Tim: just sad children who look lost because there’s no making that funny; slutty elf: because every ho I know thinks she’s as cute as that Mean Girls serenade… I dunno I could go on.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
7 years ago

Hows about filling one with dog turds and giving it to our cheaters?

(My Dday was Dec 16, 2015. The “soulmate” he had only known for a handful of weeks and was willing to throw away our 25 years for is prob no longer in the picture, but he’s decided his inner voice has told him to go on a solo journey to find his identity. DIvorce almost over BUT why does he still email/text/call almost every day if his SOLO life is so wonderful? I’ve been 100% no contact since Sept 19 and his attny told him to stop bothering me but he is defiant. )

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

Love it. Chumps who aren’t wise might think it’s lumps of coal…

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

Serve him with a cease and desist order, and then have him arrested and sue his ass if he continues to harass you.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Save me a “Bitter Bunny”
I’d love one on my tree to remind me that everyone else can go screw themselves with tinsel if I’m not meeting their timeline for healing.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

It’s ultimatum time for cheaters. A time to live up to the lies they told the OW/OM.

Decisions, decisions. And all those dreams waiting on the sidelines.

All that bliss awaiting on the other side.

Kraft
Kraft
7 years ago

Hi everyone!. Great post Tracy. Humorous , but sadly true. I haven’t been on recently. My life has moved on to a much better place in recent times. I still drop in and read occasionally. Sad to see there is still a growing list of Chump victims. But it also so wonderful to see CL and CN is as powerful and supportive as ever!

Wishing everyone a very merry Christmas!

Kraft.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

As I are up the tree with my son last weekend we talked about the decorations.
I chose a different theme representing each child when they were born.

For me it represents the joy they brought into my life.

This will be the third Christmas with my children and granddaughter.

Scrooge offers up meeting with his children a week later with gift cards from the restaurant they meet up for a few hours. They dread sitting with the whore and have to look at the illusion of a father who continues to justify his life. Shiny, cars, vacations, and bliss have been replaced with sitting in a dumpy apartment future faking per usual.

The best revenge is indeed living better.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

My D-Day was my birthday so I totally get feeling like that day is ruined forever. I’m sorry for every chump that finds themselves here, but in the midst of this unholy pain, I’m glad you found us. This place will save you and help you find a way to move forward with your new life. It might not be the one you dreamed of, but it’s the chance to do it your way, the right way.

At 18 months out I would never call my D-Day a gift, but I now view it as a second chance. And this time I am doing it right. So If you find yourself on your first holiday without your child or you just want to pretend this whole cheating mess never happened take a moment to think about this. There’s never a good time to find out. Options are to know the truth and recreate your life or to never know and live with an entitled, lying, gas lighting and many times mentally ill person that is slowly sucking the life out of you as you make your needs smaller and smaller. That’s not good for anybody, certainly not a human being who is trying to raise children and turn them into productive members of society.

So if you unwrap the gift of infidelity this Christmas please realize you may someday view it as an opportunity. I know it’s difficult and it will take many many months to see it that way. So let me tell you what life is like for me after divorce from my cheater. I wake up happy. I enjoy every moment with my child and I’ve learned to enjoy many of the moments he has to spend with his father. I play the same parent and my child is thriving with good grades and accolades in extra curricular activities. I have dinner with friends. I try new things foods and activities. I have fun. I have nice conversation with other people. I am No Contact with my cheater except an email once or twice a month. I no longer question my abilities, my memories, and my mind. I know now how much he messed with those so I never let it happen again. I found somebody to love, and this past year, he bought me the first birthday gift I’ve gotten in about a decade. It was nice, and we’ll thought out and very very appreciated. All those thing I thought could never happen in the moments after discovery are happening for me. And they can happen for you too. Move forward and keep unwrapping life.

Mama duck says quack quack
Mama duck says quack quack
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AllOutofKibble, Thank you so much for this: “At 18 months out I would never call my D-Day a gift, but I now view it as a second chance”.You spoke straight to my heart. Thank you again.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

So wonderfully stated and encouraging. Thanks for the post! Glad you are unwrapping a beautiful new life!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Thank you! This was inspiring. DDay was early Jan 2016. And I was at some point trying to forget and forgive. I wish this never happened but I am happy I know. The gaslighting and constant doubt over my own mind, feelings and thoughts was a killer. You nailed it! I am so happy for you and hope to find my happiness.

FSTL
FSTL
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

My D Day was also the eve of my birthday, but the pain passes. I also view it as a new start and changed the PIN on my credit cards to the date so I remember it as the start of the rest of my life, which is cheater and abuse free and how much better I feel now (rather than the depressed, unhappy soul I was before). My mother saw me the other day for the first time in a year – she didn’t know about the affair, but she told me how much better I seemed and also how proud she was of what I had done since I left my X.

My X was always critical of me (often in front of her) and my mother thought the X would probably be very upset to see me succeed (and, based on her asshole behaviour in the divorce, boy is she pissed at me…). She told my mother that life would now be easier for me (than for her) because I would find someone new, whereas she would struggle because she had kids (pllllllleeeeeease…. we share them 50/50) – so there’s a little pity party going on there.

The best revenge is indeed to live your life well. The miserable person you left behind will never be really happy, save for those cheap moments with the current shiny on their life….

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Your comment is very true! Never a good time. New chumps, just remember the gift this gives you is wrapped very well! It will take a lot of effort to get it unwrapped but what is inside is priceless! I’m still haven’t totally finished unwrapping mine but I keep working at it knowing in the end it will be worth it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Thanks for this encouragement! NC is key. Preach it!

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Amazing AOK!!!

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Here here! Great comment.

I was spared from finding out during the holidays, so I’m lucky in that regard. But it was no spring picnic when I put the pieces together around April (and proceeded to put more pieces together for another 1.5 years as I filed, completed divorce, and heard all the amazing things my ex did during that time).

I will say that I actually found CL and CN during the holidays, three months into my divorce. I didn’t like what I read here, given it challenged the story I had told myself of why I had to end my marriage. But CL and CN were right, as I slowly realized.

So, I consider that a holiday gift. Newly minted chumps can do the same.

m.twain
m.twain
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’ve just copied and pasted to my journal

“there’s always time for a good life lived on your own terms” – CL

LOVE it

pkidza
pkidza
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Beautiful comment. Thank you. You have given me hope! 2.5 months in and counting…

BrittsyTheBoss
BrittsyTheBoss
7 years ago
Reply to  pkidza

Agreed – I’m nearly 4 months in and still waiting for it to get to this state. Your story helps 🙂

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  pkidza

Beautiful post. Gives us hope.

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago

I was blindsided horribly by my XH 2 weeks before Xmas in 2011, I shall never forget spending the holidays and my birthday ( just before Xmas day) on my own with the cat- especially Xmas day. When I asked him how he could do something so cruel just before Xmas he said that he did it before Xmas so I wouldn’t remember it (Xmas) as a bad time? I still can’t be arsed to try and work out his logic on that one.

Let’s hope any new chumps at this time avoid falling into the trap of seeking help from those reconciliation websites like I did (until I was, ironically, redirected via a forum to CL in 2012) I had been so convinced it was a mid life crisis and he was a tortured soul who really loved me -once the aliens had returned him of course!

It’s been a few years now and I may happily spend Xmas day on my own ( with my new rescue cat Boris) because I want to – but then again I may be sociable and spend it with my sister and her family on the beach in Oz. Life has changed so much in the last few years and I have learnt a lot about myself and why my XH did what he did via CL.

There are still triggers at this time of year and I don’t envy anyone becoming a chump for the first time – I was walking around in a daze for months and probably slept less than 4hrs a night for over 3 + years.

Still conciously single and very much more self assured I can’t believe I made it through all that heartache and achieved so much when I regularly just wanted to crawl under a rock and give up.

I don’t think I really fully started to fully process and understand all the advice until 2 yrs post D day, by year 3 I was completely over him, but angry …..angry ……angry !!! Nearly 5 years in and the more I read about narcs – the more I just think “oh well I married a gobshite” …I forgave myself a long time ago.

I don’t think I could have digested the horror of realising that my XH was capable of such cruelty and betrayal and never ever really respected me in the first few months/ years post D day. Nowadays, the more I read about his narcissistic traits, the more it makes perfect sense!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

The Midlife Crisis website seems to have stalled….I think most everyone migrated here. There hasn’t been a post in the “marriage rebuilding” section in months. That board saved my life back before CN existed,but I no longer believe in MLC.. I think they are just narcs who can no longer hide their assholeishness once they hit midlife

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Hi – yes – I have not been able to open it in a while.

Hopefully the people who need support find CN !

Unicorn – I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s wonderful that your life has changed so much.

Lucky ?

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

oh heck yes, I know remember you…did you know that Curtains is here with another name?

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

No – I did not know that – great news!

I agree that the mid life crisis is just the mask slipping off the narc for the spouse to see.

It’s still one hell of a ride and I too think that site saved my life and my sanity at a very crucial time.

Big hugs out to You, Curtains and any others from the Forum

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Let me explain the sad logic … it would only take him 2 weeks to completely get over the loss of a loved and trusted partner (since he doesn’t love nor trust anyone but the man in the mirror.) Therefore, that time should have been sufficient for you as well. By Xmas, you should have been all moved on and happy again! Makes perfect sense. Sorry you had that experience and I am so happy you made it to the other side.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

Two Christmases ago, he showed up late on Christmas eve, with no presents for the kids, and spent Christmas morning lying down on the couch and, I now know, pining for his latest Thai girlfriend experience whom he had left but 24h before, while berating me for not bringing in enough money for Christmas (he has spent the last cash of the month on said Thai girlfriend) and continuing to criticize my food (can’t even begin to unpack that one, I am a ridiculously accomplished cook).

D-Day came about three months later.

Can’t even begin explaining how much better the next set of holidays have been: friends all around, good food and flowing wine, kids waking up to an alert and joyful mother. I am really looking forward to this year’s set of holidays, which come complete with a mini-vacation with sexy new boyfriend right after Christmas. So there.

Would not trade my new life for cheater holidays for the world.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

I really don’t know how to respond to stories like yours. I know how much mine hurt and I didn’t even experience that type of attack. Mine were all passive and none were direct. I am amazed at your strength not to loose it an physically harm someone like that. He definitely deserved physical harm and I hope Karma is swift and just for him!

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Thank you, lostntx, for your empathy. My theory is that betrayal may shift shapes from one case to another but the hurt is the same — it’s not about the specific details, but, rather, about the assault on our sense of self and our sense of safety in the world and within a relationship.

As for physical harm, my doctor went through a whole battery of questions when I showed up post D-Day in her office with PTSD and a desperate need for STD testing: “Do you have suicidal thoughts?” “Not anymore.” “How about homicidal thoughts?” “Oh yeah!” “Good, hold on to that anger. It will protect you.” I tell that story to every friend who comes to me with their chump story. It’s some of the best advice I ever got, and I think it should circulate widely.

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago

Your doctor is one in a million. Something tells me she’s been through it.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
7 years ago

Yes, anger is our friend! Two days after D-day I saw a therapist and she said the same thing. She said I needed to stay in touch with my anger over this and hang on to it. She said I needed it to protect me and propel me. Every time I felt daunted about filing for divorce and leaving him, I pulled out my anger. Worked like a charm. Best advice ever!

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

Also, anger is the best anti-depressant. Wish we could bottle that for days when we need to kick ass.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

I find it ironic that I never had any homicidal thoughts (I wanted to punch ow in the face once really well but it never happened) and then my cheater died. Now that he’s dead and I learned he was a serial adulterer, I’m fearful that people will mistakenly jump to the conclusion that I had anything to do with his death. I’m wildly terrified that if something happens to my new husband (who is older and sicker than the one who died) that people will jump to mistaken conclusions. I have accepted that if (God forbid) new husband dies, I will become a dog lady…ain’t nobody gonna line up to be #3.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh, unicorn, that is such a hard burden to bear. I had a friend who found out after her husband died for cancer that he was registered on Tinder, Ashley Madison, Adult FriendFinder, etc. So much harder to deal with the layered, empty grief of discovery after death.

chump change
chump change
7 years ago

Wow Unicorn, that’s s lot to be thinking about. I have fantasized that Gaslighter drops dead before he’s 70 because then I would benefit from a generous life insurance policy. But then I try to take the higher road and “Bless him with his Path”. If he was gone, I wouldn’t always have eyes in the back of my head when I drive around town. I swear to God when I pass any pick up truck like his (there are zillions) I look for the custom license plate to see if it’s him. I wonder when my hyper viligence will stop. Schmoopie used to duck in his truck! What self respecting 55-year-old woman would duck in her married boyfriend’s dirty disgusting truck? Perhaps one that’s already under Gaslighter’s evil spell, being lied to and covertly manipulated. He’s going to need a Nurse and a Purse. She can have him. My therapist says she has plenty of patients whose pathological husbands have died and they still are healing and going through recovery just like they were when the men were alive. Hmmmmm. I think I would be dancing on his grave!

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
7 years ago

I truly feel terrible every time I see a new chump here. Especially at this time of year.

I stumbled through the holidays three years ago wondering why he was so withdrawn, so angry, so distant,and so cold. And on a spending binge. I tried to excuse it as more pressure from his job, but it just didn’t add up. My DDay actually didn’t happen until Valentine’s Day but I spent six weeks doing the Pick Me Dance without knowing who or what my competitor was. Thank Heaven I found this site right away.

It does get better and my life is so much fuller than I ever thought. But the fresh hell that was, well…..we all remember. And wonder how we ever were able to be so trusting, so blindly devoted to a monster, and so devastated when it was all laid bare.

Keep walking Chumps. The reverberations will always be there, but your life will be wonderful.
My prayer is that the new Chumps will find strength and courage, that a little luck and kindness come their way, and that their friends and families support them through this holiday season.

Thank you Tracy for reminding us all to be more compassionate and grateful to be so much further down the road of healing.

Blessings to us all!

champchump
champchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

Chumpfor21, Integrity, you have described what I went through as well. For me, my husband left me for the OW on Feb. 12, 2014. Right in time for Valentine’s Day. I wouldn’t learn of her existence or the affair for another few months, but they’d started flirting the previous summer, sleeping together around Labor Day. At that time, my father was dying and in hospice, so I was spending a lot of time with him. My husband was weirdly checked out, distant, hostile, uninvolved with me or the kids through the holidays of 2013.

My father died the day after Thanksgiving. There was no support, sympathy, or companionship from my husband. It did strike me as weird. When I got home after seeing my dad’s body off in the funeral home van, my husband was watching a football game. He didn’t even get up or take his eyes off the screen! He was constantly having to do an inordinate amount of “paperwork” at work, every weekend. I spent January helping my mother deal with the financial stuff following my father’s death. During this time, my husband was either not home, or when he was home he was ignoring me or picking fights.

The final weekend before he walked out, he drove in a major snowstorm five hours to an Imagine Dragons concert (he’s 58). I thought he was crazy to go (I wasn’t invited), until months later I figured out that he had taken the OW with him. After that weekend, he came home for a few days, then finally walked out two days before Valentine’s Day.

Unlike a lot of you, he has not introduced the AP to our kids. They are adults and he knows they don’t want anything to do with her, and never will. I don’t expect them to be together forever, but it’s been over three years now! Then again, I never expected him to be unfaithful to me…

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  champchump

Wow. Wow. That insensitivity is mind boggling. I’m so very sorry for the passing of your dad, and that you didn’t have the once person who should have been there for you. Amazing how they start acting like the AP when they’re several years younger, isn’t it? So stupid. And yes…what you said. You don’t expect them to stay together, but, you never expected them to be unfaithful to you. You have my sincere thoughts and hugs to you…so happy you have the support of your kids <3

champchump
champchump
7 years ago

Thanks Integrity. Glad for all of us 2014 chumps that that miserable year is a fading two-year-old memory at this point. Hugs to you too, and your pit baby. I now have two Frenchies (the X would never have tolerated them) and they are the best companions a chump could ever ask for. Bulldogs rule!

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

I’m so sorry you spent holidays like that…so sorry. I know exactly how you feel/felt. It was 2014 for me. Same thing. TERRIBLE arguments he started with me, right before Thanksgiving (which, come to find out, was when they started their full-blown love story) and continued through the holidays. We had just agreed to start trying to have kids, and had been looking for new houses, and suddenly, at least it seemed at the time, he shifted. Very distant, very cold, very cruel and yes…money was disappearing, but I disregarded it as him taking cash out just to have, which is what he told me and I believed him. I was such a fucking idiot. And as far as I have come, definitely still some triggers with the holidays, and I wholeheartedly agree that it’s still hard to digest the level of cruelty they project onto you.

Funny this post came up today…no joke, I was walking my dog the other day (she is legally mine and ex-fucker will never see her again), after spending a really nice Thanksgiving with my family. I was thinking about this very thing…about how everyday, someone else is having their life blown apart. And I have wrestled with the comfort of having so many people like you to understand and educate me on why it wasn’t my fault, versus the complete heartbreak and disgust from realizing there are so many of us. And I started crying…I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve cried alone walking my dog-I’ve done that a lot!! But…it honestly just broke my heart all over again thinking about it and thinking about all of the people who are so sad and broken and angry because of cheaters. It’s so wrong. Just so terribly wrong. And there were times I really thought I would be better if I was dead. I even said that to my ex when we were going through the divorce…I said to him it would have been easier if he had just killed me instead of putting me through this…and his response was “don’t say things like that”…because I guess that would make him a bad person if he did that, right? Fucker.

But…healing does come. As I have learned, slowly for some, faster for others. I’m working on it still, but I’m much better. So many thanks to all of you. Hope we all realize how much we have to be thankful for, and find things to enjoy these next few weeks. Sending love and hugs to you all.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago

I think I’m favorite thing I said to h on d-day was “Just shoot me in the fucking head because it would be better than the pain I’m feeling right now.” I like to pull it out when we’re arguing occasionally because I still kind of feel that way. He is moving out by the end of the month and once that happens we’ll be no contact. So…

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

Integrity, thanks for sharing. It does help to know the depths of despair we went through are shared by others and that it’s a normal response. I’ve often wondered how my ex’s brain works differently from mine because I never could have done to him what he did to me. I honestly don’t think he had much emotional attachment to memories like I did.

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Thanks for reading 🙂 I have wondered the exact same thing for almost two years. And I think you’re right…especially after everything I’ve read on here. They don’t have the same emotional attachment. And we’ll never understand that…I still wish I could, but I’m trying to make peace with the fact I won’t.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Integrity
Thanks to you! I’m new. And reading your post will have helped as next time I am somewhere and become overwhelmed again by this or reminded of it and cry, I will know this is normal and it will pass.
Glad you got the dog too!

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Aw, I’m happy I posted something helpful! I’ve noticed you on here a lot. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I was reading something earlier today about someone asking if it was normal to cry and cry for months. After I found out, I think I cried everyday for 6 months. Maybe 7. Everyday. Often multiple times a day. So…BELIEVE ME feeling overwhelmed and crying unfortunately comes with this shitstorm. But…please don’t ever hold it in, and don’t ever feel like you’re not normal for those feelings or for crying all the time. And don’t EVER let anyone tell you to just “let it go”. Goddamn that pisses me off. That comes in your own time and through your own process.

Wow…I’m 20 months out from DDay, coming up on a year of divorce in a few weeks, and as I mentioned above, I still cry. I’ve come so far (I’m even dating someone), but that doesn’t mean the sadness or anger isn’t still there at times (especially since they’re together). Sometimes the sheer disbelief of it all just hits me, as I’m sure it does to you, especially since mine all unraveled very, very quickly. It’s a lot to deal with and it’s traumatic. Very traumatic. And my sweet pit bull girl…she is the one being who has been by my side EVERY SINGLE DAY since this happened. I don’t know what I would do without her…even if she wasn’t legally mine, there’s no way in hell I’d ever let him see her again. That’s assuming he’d even want to, which he doesn’t. Anyway…happy to have you to talk with and hugs from me and my girl to you.

NewLife
NewLife
7 years ago

Integrity–your story sounds like mine–seriously like mine–an instant shock, he married the OW, and boy are they Facebook friendly–sharing their joy and happiness to anyone who wants to see it. She’s 15 years younger. He walked away from his family, proceeded to tell his family (whom he always told me he hated) awful things about me, and he left me with every debt we had until the divorce was final. I’m still fighting for the settlement money a year later.

However–I did fall in love again–and eek–I’m getting married again. I live mostly in joy, but there are times of fleeting fear–will he be faithful? Will I be totally oblivious again? I’ve tried not to punish my husband to be for the asshole’s actions. But it’s challenging.

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  NewLife

Congratulations to you, NewLife!! I’m happy you’re living up to your name 🙂 Really happy that you found someone, and good to know you can open up enough to give marriage another try. That gives me hope. I’m happy with someone right now, and care about him a ton, but I understand…I wonder the same things you do. I kind of feel like once something like this happens to you, you are forever “on edge” a little. Maybe that’s a good thing? I guess maybe we’re more perceptive now? And I will admit, it’s weird to feel happy with and care for someone, yet still have residual feelings of anger and sadness from the fuckers. Guess we were players in the “cheater playbook” that seems to be so prevalent amongst everyone since our stories are so similar! Terrible thing to feel bonded over towards someone, isn’t it!? So here are a few more for you…mine ex’s AP isn’t 15 years younger, but she’s 10 (I’m in my late 30s, and she “forgave” him for sleeping with other people, all the while he was married to me and she was a NEWLYWED-isn’t that sweet? Fucking disgusting). Mine also had serious issues with his family, and always said my family was the kind he always wanted. We are certainly not perfect, but we’re all very close and I have a big family on both sides of my parents. Ugh…regardless…wishing you so much happiness and love. We all know, and hope YOU know, how much you deserve it. Thanks for sharing with me 🙂

NewLife
NewLife
7 years ago

Maybe we really are the same person! I have a huge family–and he told me on more than one occasion that he considered my family his family more than his own.

It is odd to have such powerful love in me and yet have hate sometimes crowded by such powerful anger. I’m trying to move passed it…but damn it’s hard. I know it isn’t heathy–but I pray each night for karma to wreck him. I don’t know that it will…and I’m still healing, so although his family seems to want a continued relationship with me, I find it hard to keep up my ties with them. The XHole (I think I like this nickname best) hated Christmas and wouldn’t allow me to get a tree until Christmas Eve. My heart’s love said tonight, let’s go get a tree this weekend. I love you in Christmas lights. I sort of feel like sometimes that, XHole put me through such hell and pain, that my Hearts love is karma’s reward.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Yes I am here a lot…..? I hope not too much! Over sharing is my middle name…..

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Ha ha. I’m the queen of oversharing. This is a safe place to do so… trying to share here and not in public. Still I over share.

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oh my gosh, no, not at all! I think it’s great you are. I really like your posts, and it’s so good you’re getting your feelings out and asking for help and advice, etc. I wish I had known about this place when I first found out-I was what they call here the classic “Amazon and “RIC” chump and just knew I could save my marriage. Ha! I only found it maybe 6 weeks ago or so, but it has helped me incredibly in those six weeks. 🙂

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Integrity, thank you for sharing your story and your persistent feelings of anger and sadness, and horror that people can behave like this towards their partners and children. You described it so clearly and sincerely. It does help to know I am not the only one feeling like this, many chumps do. Thank you, hugs to you and your lovely dog.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago

My Dday was Dec 20, when he told me how unhappy he was and cried so many crocodile tears. Of course not long after I discovered the credit card bill for the couples massage. It’s the beginning of the end, yEs, but the end of a bad thing. I’ve noticed that it gets better a whole lot faster if you find someone but even if you don’t (which I haven’t) it’s still better than being with fuckwit and triangulating the pick me dance. It may be the last thing you wanna do now but get your shit together and start lining up ducks! You will thank yourself later.

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago

December 4, 2014 and still tried to stick it out for a year. Worse mistake I ever made.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

November 18 2013. Then a few days later I prepared Thanksgiving for his cold, hateful family (They had turkey and ham, I had shit sandwiches). While Inside all I could do was keep rereading that email to the prostitute I had discovered while using the laptop to play Christmas music.

Katbug
Katbug
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Marisa what made you leave (finally)?
This Christmas is especially excruciating. I’m 6, nearly 7 months out from D Day and my divorce will be final in two weeks. Just last Christmas we had a new baby and while I was over joyed with our growing family. I noticed the distance and cool comments from my STBX about how much weight I’d gained. I didn’t touch a single Christmas cookie because of it. I was scrambling to make the holidays perfect. He seemed very happy with everything and everyone except for me. Of course, now I know why.

We are in NC (except for child exchange) this year. He wants to come back of course (not happening). Crazy how different this Christmas will be.

I know it gets better, I believe all the positive stories shared by CN. In some ways, I think it wouldve been easier if he would have just left and took the decision from me. I’d hoped by now, the pain wouldn’t still hit me like a brick. Sometimes, especially with the Holidays, it’s really hard to believe it gets better.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Katbug

Katbug: Cheaters often derail after birth of a baby because the baby is soaking up attention they want. This Christmas probably has all sorts of associations that are getting triggered because of last year, and it’s hard to feel at peace when your divorce isn’t even final.

You might also consider having your doctor assess whether you may still have postpartum depression since you’re only a year out from giving birth. It will magnify all the trauma of the infidelity. Hugs!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

P.S. Any man who criticizes his wife for gaining weight during pregnancy should be seared with a cattle prod. Unbelievable.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Katbug, I am opening a new pack of cookies in your honor, hope you are enjoying all the cookies you want this year!

Mentally torturing a wife about gaining weight during a pregnancy or right after childbirth is one of the most disgusting examples of marital cruelty I can imagine.

Your story reminded me of the downhill slope my pregnancy felt like…

The first clue probably was when he asked if my brain was going to be back to normal post-pregnancy as apparently my intellectual sharpness was decreasing as a result of my planning for our kiddo’s arrival… See I had less time to compliment him about his groundbreaking work while working full-time, renovating the basement, moving his office down, and buying every little thing needed on my own to set up our baby’s room…

Another clue should have been when he declined to accompany me to eight birthing classes because “he wanted to get more work done before the baby arrived.”

Ah, and how about when he tried to stop me from asking for an epidural after enduring 14H of painfully labor… I am glad I told him to shut it as my labor continued on for several more hours post-epi…

A slow discard, as I was oh so very useful to preserve his image as the hard-working professional who had an adorable family…

And yeah, I’m happy to report that I remained sharp enough to divorce him post-DDay#1.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

+1000

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Katbug

It’s the cookies that made him cheat, of course. So have a cookie party (with spiked eggnog, of course) with a few choice girlfriends, and see how much nicer the holidays can be on your own terns.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago

This made me tear up to think not having a Christmas cookie so as not to set off a cheater..we only get so many Christmases..the nerve of these people how they can ruin our holidays

Ms. Bojangles
Ms. Bojangles
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Katbug,
And remember…their comments have NO BASIS in reality. My X, out of the blue once, made a remark my breast were small. I remember distinctly him saying previously how big my “tits” were. (That’s classy.)

They are assholes with Tourettes syndrome. The pea sized amount of brain grey matter knows they have to justify their cheating, so they put their mate down to make their Og brains feel better. Living double lives is hard on their reptile brains.

I actually started researching breast implants after his hateful words. Never, ever had I given a thought to breast implants before. Their sly put downs have a way of undermining us, even when we know they are not true. Thankfully, I have a wonderful gay male friend who texted my X a photo of a Vienna Sausage that said, Look familiar?

Mother fucker! Ignore his hateful words….they are delusional maggots who are people of the Lie.

Go for the cinnamon buns with cream cheese frosting!!! 🙂

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Bojangles

That was peachy. May I psychoanalyze you?

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Bojangles

Love the Vienna Sausage story! That would have been a great food to serve at my Gain a Life Party we had for Tracy’s book published. Instead we had barbequed sad sausages. But they were the teeny ones……

NewLife
NewLife
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I love this response. It made my day.

Katbug
Katbug
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks Tracy, a reply from you just brighten my shitty morning. I’m actually eyeballing my daughter’s freshly made gingerbread house. Lol.
I think I’ll bake a batch of my favorites and have one (or five) in honor of you and CN.

Merry Christmas wonderful chumps?❤️

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago
Reply to  Katbug

My story is long and complicated but I finally realized that I was not really sure why I fighting so hard for my family when it was obvious that he was done. He spoke a big game but his actions were loud and clear and I finally just woke up. Probably the hardest thing I ever did was asking him to leave. When he was gone I saw so much more clearly.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

I hear you. Let that wasted time go and focus on your future. In my case, a hard lesson learned.

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago

100% agreed! Hope you all have a fantastic Holiday Season.

The sane parent
The sane parent
7 years ago

Tracy you should come up with a narc app on what too look for especially around the holidays so we can have their playbook . I am still amazed on how they all have the same scumbag actions. Your blogs got me out of the narc mindfuckery hamster wheel. They seem to all really enjoy the Xmas parties at work way too much especially when spouses are not invited to their office parties . My narc wouldn’t even tell me she had a Xmas party . I wasn’t entitled too know.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday crazy so far! My thoughts are with anyone experiencing a dday right about now!

And FYI, House Cleaners work all freakin’ day on Christmas Eve! I usually have four houses that day! Lol!!! Except this year, Christmas Eve is on a Saturday so no excuses this year!?

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Ahhhh, the knife sharpener. Because every chump needs an electric knife sharpener from their back stabbing cheater.

I love making NEW traditions with my kids this time of yr. We chumps most likely engineered 99.99% of all of the family traditions within our smoke & mirror marriages before DDay. My post DDay traditions with my kids have the cheater stomping around about not being included.

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

My traditions went into high gear the moment my ex was no longer around to dampen the holiday parade. I light this mother up like Clark Griswold on speed. You can see my house from space now.
If I wasn’t so busy taking a huge bite out of life I might spare a minute to feel sorry for my old husband and his new (not as shiny as she initially seemed) affair partner, but that’d be a waste of a perfectly good gloat.
Seriously though, the first year felt awful, but the huge leaps and bounds of improvement in merriment as I got further away from the shitstorm bubble he’s in are amazing.
Happy Non homicidal holidays everyone!

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

And we have a winner! Wonderful visual. Gonna go grab me the first of the Christmas cookies! Thanks to ugh no! and all of you for these heart warming stories.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Ugh no … Thank you!!! I’ve been referring to my ex as “My ex” and not liking it.

“Old husband” sounds sooooo much better. For all their Peter Pan lust for life, they get old really fast in a lot of different ways.

OUT WITH THE OLD!!!!

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Wasband!

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Amen to “old husband”

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

I thought you wrote “I lit his mother up like Clark Griswold”.
I thought, “Amen to that thought sister…..”

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Magneto
That’s what I read too! I’m like, where do I sign…..???

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Lol I am looking forward to your level of happiness. See your house from space – too funny!

chump change
chump change
7 years ago

Dang Ugh No, You kick Christmas A$$! Inspiring!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

Don’t have time to read through all the comments right now, will do so later today. Just wanted to pop in and say “Damn Tracy, this is a fantastic post!” In classic CL style, you 1) show true concern for other chumps (thank you – my DDay was just weeks before Xmas last year!) 2) recognize the subtle realities of the chumps’ new situation (takes one to know one, I suppose – again, thanks!) 3) do it with humor (I’m still chuckling over “fa la la la la, la fuck my life!) and 4) offer hope and encouragement for our future. Just thank you, this meant a lot to me! 🙂

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

Oops, I mean “Damn, Tracy” not Damn Tracy.” Punctuation FTW!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Or maybe you really meant Dame Tracy, like Dame Judy Dench!

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

I read it as ‘damn tracy’… like a friend smacking you with a 2×4 upside the head 🙂

lady jane
lady jane
7 years ago

My first Dday was a week after my anniversary and a week before my birthday. I walked in a daze for months. I found Chump Lady at Christmas time two years ago. That’s when I started to heal. Thank you for the straight talk. Someone finally made sense and explained all that crazy behavior. Still trying to divorce the cheater but I’m NC.

My thoughts are with anyone experiencing this unbearable pain. It gets better. I promise.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

Apparently right after the anniversary is popular. We went on a trip and he slept with her less than two weeks after our tenth anniversary. Then she magically found out she was pregnant less than a week after they slept together. And now 9 weeks from d-day he’s leaving. I hope they both die in a big fire soon. I could use the life insurance and then I won’t be so sad and hurt anymore.

NewLife
NewLife
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

Holy moly–mine was 5 days before our 16th anniversary and 6 before my birthday. It was awful–and still is. I had a major melt down this last year that week. It was awful.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
7 years ago
Reply to  NewLife

I found out on our 17th anniversary. It was a total nightmare. 3.5 years later, I’m doing great, but it has taken a long time. No contact, Chumplady, Chumpnation, therapy, exercise, healthy grief, family and friends: these things have helped tremendously. Triggers that I thought would be permanent are disappearing. To the newly minted chumps – believe that it will get better. Put one foot in front of the other and trust that you will get through this. You will.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

Yeah, I found out about a week after the wedding anniversary date as well. Had been back from an anniversary trip about a week. A trip the slunt wanted to take so badly. Now I realize it’s because the current awesome boyfriends don’t ever have jobs so I guess she just wanted to travel one last time.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Well as you know I wasn’t a Christmas Chump but I did find out he slept with OW#3 on our 21st wedding anniversary this year. Nice. Divorce will be final before 22nd anniversary.
I am actually looking forward to this Christmas, my first as a chump but also my first one of my new life. I get to decide and choose all kind of stuff. It’s scary but empowering. And that is all down to this website and the people here. The gift of truth and perspective.
My ddays were no particular days and I am grateful for that.

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

You go girl! You have been a great contributor to this site, both sharing your pain and encouraging others and being empathetic to us all. Sending big hugs to you!

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  chump change

21st Anniversary? That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat that it took more than one DDay to understand that these leopards don’t change their spots… industrial RIC industry is hurting Chumps by selling false Hopium, and costing many of us decades of our lives in all reality. Thank goodness Chump Lady is the voice of reason, whether we really want to hear it or not, she is right. And you Capricorn are mighty.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Mine had nothing to do with the holidays, but with a 11/22 D-Day, I remember the huge effort I made to survive Thanksgiving and “do Christmas” when I still had trouble with basic functioning. But that effort has paid off in big ways. I found old ways and traditions I had lost along a way of compromising with both my FOO and various significant other types. I figured out that I needed to make Christmas about something more than buying and receiving gifts. I did my first Pinterest craft projects because I wanted my house to look festive and welcoming and full of joy, even though I was suffering. And when I assemble my holiday front porch, I remember how I felt in those days and every year I celebrate my courage and resilience. I celebrate learning to let go of things that don’t matter.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Loved

Fuck. 11/22. Bloody hell. Wow.

You are not just resilient. You are some super military nuclear fusion teflon stuff.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

My wedding anniversary was Dec 19th. Loved the holidays. Since I am “the cook”, we were the family hosts for many years. My tree was 12.5 ft tall, with hundreds of ornaments on it… every year we bought ornaments wherever we went.
I was instructed by the mediator to sell everyone of them and split the proceeds… (apparently that included my children’s birthday ones???? – How did I miss that?????)

This will be my third Christmas since DD, the second divorced.

Is it progress than when I read these, my heart crunches for the chumps, and chump children – not my situation – it still hurts, but I am coming out of the fog enough to have empathy for others??

My new/old renovated house – my new rescued black/high silver point Maine Coon cat – my new life….

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Sell your heirloom Christmas ornaments?? WTF? that is just evil…please tell me you figured out a way around that.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Well, the mediation document said sell and split, but did not specify WHO I had to sell them to, nor how much I had to sell them for. 🙂 🙂 🙂 The details, people, the details……

His half – (12 cartons- all for $25 {garage sale of the century} – I kept half of that – $12.50.)

That’s all I’m going to write about that…. 🙂

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Love it!

Thea
Thea
6 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

Now that is “mighty” ! Love this!

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Magneto, you’re brilliant!!!!!!!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

In Dec of 2004 I was a military wife with 3 kids…I was working some nightshifts in the Neonatal ICU but had just taken over a new job doing Case Management stuff for death and impending death for pediatric and neonatal cases in my city. My husband had gotten incrementally crankier and crankier about anything not exactly right in the house so I had to keep it perfect lest he blow up at me.

That Dec I worked my ass off doing all the stuff moms do …I had bought and sent gifts, done the cards (obligatory perfect card to his military buddy families) while also working my ass off at 2 jobs. I actually succeeded but my weak spot was that my personal desk (in my office, not near his) was a mess of every receipt and scrap you might imagine…but it was in a room out of sight and not an inconvenience to anyone.

On Christmas Day, we did all the normal stuff…after I cleaned from the gifts, I cooked dinner (I hate cooking) and cleaned the kitchen til it sparkled. A neighbor came over to see some decorating I had done and I was giving her a tour of the house. She and I walked into my office and everything from my desk had been plowed into a pile on the floor.

It was a confusing, odd moment because neither of us could figure out how it had come to be. For a second I thought her 3 yr old had done it, but it was too thorough for that. She sensed impending doom and left quickly. I learned that thenhusband had done this to punish me for having a messy desk. Seriously? The rest of the house was perfect…bathrooms, laundry, and I was busy – oh I dont know, caring for the dying and this is how he responded.

I dont even know the mean-assed explanation he gave me but it was all blameshifting crap you have all heard. Sad thing was I was so accustomed to abuse that it wasnt clear to me how fucked I was. DDay was a few months off and he moved away the following August.

But I was a Unicorn and I would keep my shit together…and I did, at my own peril, for years.

It was not until 2015 that I learned the full truth about serial adultery (which is why Im still here…the old wounds newly ripped open). A messy desk is something I still have sometimes, but I have a kind husband now who is proud of my work and supports me in it.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn.
What a horrible experience. You write so well.
I’m glad you are past that. How does it feel now to write that? If that’s ok to ask. Does it seem like yesterday, or distant or still just unbelievable? How do you look back on yourself?
I used to get sad about my childhood but then it just became I think ‘meh’.
I’m wondering how these episodes look in retrospect to people who have some distance from their ‘past’ lives.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

When I look back, I feel really sorry for the person I used to be…she was in an untenable situation. Back then if I called him on his shit he would deflect and blame shift … he didn’t want to even try to be better, he wanted me to end the marriage but I refused to the game just kept escalating. I wish he had had the integrity to voice his wishes to end the marriage and follow through with decency.

I’m now amazed that at the time I just couldn’t/wouldn’t admit what a horrible person he was to me. I am embarrassed by my optimism with regard to him, it was so misplaced.

I’m glad that I didn’t lose my optimism for life…my parents and first spouse screwed me so horribly I should probably be an insane drug addict, but by the Grace of God I’m a happy functioning person with a great career and circumstances.

I love my new hubby (who is just a treasure), I’m returning to school, my new hubby and I like to go antique hunting (we’ve made a lovely home for ourselves), my kids live independently and are doing pretty well, me & daughter going to Europe (for the 4th time together) in March… I now have everything to live for.

The past trauma sneaks in sometimes…. just this morning new hub made a joke that left me feeling panicked, but I told him of my fears and he reassured me lovingly- something I never got before.

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn, you express yourself so beautifully. I must say I understand your sentiments exactly when I look back and wonder who the fuck was I looking at him and believing this man was what he pretended to be when he so obviously was treating me poorly, gaslighting, lying cheating. dang…

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn, so happy for you! My heart warmed to your hubby when he reassured you when you panicked as opposed to gaslighting and minimising and blameshifting- all these we chumps are so used to! Enjoy your trip with your daughter!

NewLife
NewLife
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Amen to that–I wonder the same thing. Friends tell me it passes–but they HAVE to say that, it’s in the contract.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Christmas Eve 3 years ago was my first DDay and I pickmedanced my heart out after that. Ugh.

Well, he does not get to make Christmas suck. I refuse to associate the pain of discovery with the joyous holiday season. He no longer has any power over me.

Also, this year my Christmas gift to myself is to let go of the regret and humiliation I endured because of the 2 and 1/2 years I tried desperately to win the love of an unfaithful spouse back. I am loyal and true and was trying to save my family. I know I will never compromise myself for another like that ever again.

Finally, this Christmas I am excited to be single again with the peace and hope that honesty and possibility bring. I am so thankful not to spend another holiday season trying to make him happy, trying to do everything perfectly, trying to be whatever he wants.

I am free.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago

Never, I love your gift to yourself to let go of the regret and humiliation. I am think we all need to give that gift to ourselves because we, the chumps, did nothing to be ashamed of. The only for thing we are all guilty of is loving someone too much- someone who did not deserve our love.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Agreed! And the worst part for me is I still love the bastard. Too bad he only cares about himself

GloryBee
GloryBee
7 years ago

I’m almost 4 months past D-Day and so grateful for this site. Last Christmas I was miserable, totally disconnected from my husband and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I remember spending ages organizing his gift, a painting of him and our 3 children. He gave me a mobile phone. Which would have been great if I actually needed one! Anyway, now I know what was wrong. This year the kids are with me for Christmas and they’ll be with him for the week leading up to NYE. I know it will be hard and I’ll probably be tearful. I’ve never spent that much time away from my children before but I’m trying to plan fun things to do for myself and I know CN is here.

Wiseoldowl
Wiseoldowl
7 years ago

I can’t imagine a Christmas/holiday D-day. Mine was my 40th birthday but I just had to slog through another hectic day.

I can’t imagine having to actually function at a holiday time level. I would think this type of d-day might provoke a quick rug-sweep just to be able to deny it mentally in order to function through the busy time of year. Please don’t entertain that idea.

If you are struggling with a holiday d-day, your health comes first. Round up all the help and positive support to help you through this busy time. It’s the same advice I’d give for any d-day but we as chumps tend to put off “rocking the boat” due to birthdays, holidays, meetings at work, the weekdays, the weekends, the kid’s sleepovers…

Don’t bury this in the pile. Give yourself the gift of counsel. And quick.

It gets better. And better, and better, and better.

Cletus
Cletus
7 years ago
Reply to  Wiseoldowl

Another 40th Birthday D-Day Chump here!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago

I really loved reading all these comments today. I love hearing where everyone is at in their journey. I love the feeling of comradeship (and of being understood–I mean really, is there anything else in life?) when I see stories that mirror my own. And I love the messages of hope, from those of you who know what it feels like to lose all hope and be so dead that not even food tastes good anymore, and then slowly start to genuinely enjoy your new life. CN, you are the voice of reason and encouragement in a scary world.

I’m 2.4 years past initial d-day, and while I wish I had found this site immediately, I’m so glad it’s been with me for most of that time. My child and I have a much, much more stable life, and have the same amazing times we’ve always had when we’re together, except now a deadbeat doesn’t get to take credit for being a part of a family he was never a part of anyway. Without me around to check him, my ex’s wild life and spending have dug him into a financial hole the size of Texas, complete with prompting him to set up a sad-sausage GoFundMe to try to recoup from his terrible planning by squeezing every last drop of money out of his brainwashed followers. I reluctantly, scaredy-cat-edly got into a new relationship and have been astonished to discover that new boyfriend is a grown-up, a hard worker, polite whether in public or at home, and and and and CAN DO HIS OWN LAUNDRY. All by himself! And do ours too while he’s at it. Yes, Virginia, there are other human beings out there who don’t need constant care and babysitting and being waited on hand and foot. Other human beings who can enrich your life and actually make you stronger and more rested by entering into it, rather than weaker and depleted.

Merry Christmas, and may all your cheaters go ahead and die and decrease the surplus population, and be buried with a stake of holly through their hearts, etc. etc.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Yes! I would love if Santa brought me a severed dick for my stocking á la Lorena Bobbitt!

chump change
chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Hear hear!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Yes, Chumpastic, YES!!!!!!!!! 🙂

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Chump-tastic, what a great post! The feeling of being understood is priceless and the reason I come here every day, but couldn’t articulate it as well as you did! And it makes me so happy to hear of chumps finding partners who are true, honest human beings who delight in reciprocal relationships. It gives me hope for the future.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

My D-Day was in early December a couple of years ago. That Christmas was horrible, everything leading up to it was horrible. There’s nothing like spending Christmas Eve in your own guest room…..then spending New Year’s Eve alone. I thought a lot about D-Day last December too, and I’m sure I’ll think about it every year going forward when the holidays roll around.

This will be our last Christmas (together) with the kids coming up, our D will be final sometime early next year. I wonder if our children are thinking about that. I’m really sad for them. None of us deserves this. I wonder if she really even gives a shit about any of it, or if her forlorn looks are really because her boyfriend didn’t leave his wife for her and soon she’ll be alone. It’s really sad. I still can’t believe I married somebody who was even capable of doing the shit she did and then not give a single shit about the impact of it all on her own kids. What a life….

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes