Best Sassy Chump Retorts?

Well chumps, I’ve devoted lot of blog pages to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. And as we all know, they say some really stupid shit.

You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?

The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?

She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?

You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.

And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.

Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the perfect withering zinger at exactly the perfect moment…

…And it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.

They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?

I realize speaking truth to stupid is un-meh, yet I’ve never regretted a good zinger. When I wrote my book, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.

“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:

“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”

So today tell me what Stupid Shit your cheater said — and your reply.

And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)

Get uppity, chumps!

I ran this contest before, but we always need more sassy back talk. Lay it on me!

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

629 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago

Mostly I just told her to fuck off. Not whitty or clever, but universally appropriate.

egans
egans
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

To my narcissistic ex:
” you think women want to fuck you cos ur great, ur just the best odds for an easy lay. You’re the sure bet. That’s all. “

justadad
justadad
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

“Shut up whore!”
I know, not original but it felt great to say.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  justadad

JAD – I was a fuck-you type. For some reason, I could never say fuck-off, which seemed a little personal in insult. A slight difference. And, I hope that made you feel good as it does me. (or did me)

I’m just going to ask the forum, (sorry to highjack) once again – as it’s been brought up before….’whore’ seemed to be a very vial swear word and extremely insulting to the woman it’s usually thrown at. (usually well deserved in a forum like this)

But, what can we call men cheaters that even compares in vulgarity? C Word? Nope. (that’s only reserved for women) Dick or John seems to have no impact…and Cheater is marginal. Guys – what would insult you the most….and I’ve noticed Monster seems very effective. Not sure I find picking on human anatomy, which is something nobody controls and it’s a cheap shot. I think the little weenie comments are a cut below normal for us folks. Size often means better sex….and, you know what I mean, ladies. Not heard any anatomy comments from the males about the ladies…?

Wishing you all good things-

Eliza
Eliza
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Creep is one of the few things I’ve found will really get under a man’s skin.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Eliza

“Creep” is good, it implies an unskilled sex-seeker, can’t get a lover with his good heart and skills, must resort to trickery, violence, or perversion. Good insult. Is it kind of like dirty old bastard?

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I’m not a man, but I wonder if this is a good insult: Loser

Enraged
Enraged
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Yeah, that tops my list.
I called my cheater husband Mr. Small
Not far from the truth…how the OW handles it is another story – did I say she is a pro?

justadad
justadad
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Mama’s boy or Little Boy should do the trick. Scum bag or dirt bag usually works as well. Tell him his brother was better. Guys don’t mind being called a whore so the equivalent wouldn’t work. You have to attack our fragile little egos. Shit I just violated guy code.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  justadad

JAD – ok, big slobbery kiss to you! Thank You.

“Tell him his brother was better –
Shit I just violated guy code.”

LOVE IT!

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Sorry – top line meant for Fstl.

Duxchump
Duxchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

Does she realize she’s your upgrade from phone sex?

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

Good! It took me a few years to be that strong. Whenever I hear of a woman cheating, I think that her husband would have been better of with me. Not to mention the fact that she probably had a much better husband than I did and I did not cheat.

Jennfooda
Jennfooda
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

So my husband was on FB after I exposed him and the cheater he posted a flying monkey recruitment post. Which read “apparently the only thing I am good for is money and working”
My public response was “you forgot lying, you’re good at that too….”

New beginnings
New beginnings
6 years ago
Reply to  Jennfooda

This

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

LOL! First post of the day had me cracking up. Thank you. 🙂

Justine
Justine
6 years ago

Love this topic ☺
In a mediation session, things were getting a bit heated as I was learning to stick up for myself finally. The counsellor, trying to calm things down a little, says something similar to “I know you can work this out, you have the same goal and have similar morals and values…” Well , I saw red! I totally interrupted him and said, “There’s absolutely NOTHING similar about our morals and values – I have them, he doesn’t”.
I’ve never been able to say anything remotely as effective as that ever. If looks could have killed, I’d have been six feet under but I felt great!

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago

It’s not that exciting here, but it was for me.

I’m a chump, a fixer, a rusher-in-to-make-it-righter, a “don’t be mad at me’er.” But a year after BD, as the divorce was settled and I was buying The Coward out of the family home, he texted me to complain. See, refi mortgage company gave him a choice for his half of the equity: take a check in the mail, or pay a $30 fee to have it wired into his account. Cheap Fucker, with a knack for pinching pennies so that he can blow hundreds of thousands of dollars, texted me to complain. “Why should I have to pay $30 to get MY money?” Well, I noted, he had a choice to take a check for free. “You think I’m actually going to have a check for ninety grand MAILED to me?” I shrugged, finding no fucks to give for once, “Well, it’s your choice.”

Aw, to a chump? That felt so good! Not my problem!

What a concept.

Old me would have offered to pay the fee.

Newly liberated me? Not sorry. Be gone!

Come to think of it, I really do believe that was the last conversation we had via text. I went NC after that.

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I’m always amazed at how the cheater narcs create these situations where there is no solution and want to sit back and see how you’ll make it work. He won’t pay the $30 processing fee. He won’t accept a check for such a high amount of money being mailed to him. So what are YOU going to do to make sure that you get your share of the money?

YOU’LL pay the fee, right? Because it’s worth it to you just to get the situation over with. Or YOU’LL negotiate with the company to create some third option that meets his demands. All while he sits back and watches you jump through hoops that he built. He gets to make you dance one way or the other.

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
6 years ago
Reply to  PucksMuse

Dang it, hit send too soon.

But he didn’t get you to dance, because you just said, “Fine, fuck off.”

*fist bumps to you.*

SomethingNew
SomethingNew
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie, you nailed it, it IS very liberating to be able to both tell where my problems end and someone else’s begins, and also to be able to SAY SO to them!!! So much freedom! My biggest moment of this wasn’t quite so Meh, but it felt very good nonetheless. We were in divorce mediation, and What’s His Face was trying to convince me and the mediator that he shouldn’t have to pay so much in child support, because look at his budget, he barely has anything left over at the end of the month!! (Yes, having two households is significantly more expensive, that’s what happens when your wife kicks you out because you try hard to convince her 1.) It’s nothing, 2.) Ok, it’s something, but it’s all wife’s fault.) Mind you, this “budget” is five or six lines on an excel sheet (wow. Effort.) He holds it out to me, looking all sad sausage and earnest, and I look at him and say (ok, it was practically yelling, but my head was exploding) “That is NOT my problem.” He looked confused and smirked his “You are so bitter” smirk. I ignored him and did not reduce his CS (which is at the state mandated minimum) to give him more play money. He already played with our money plenty while we were married.

My other favorite response for whenever he’s asking for something ridiculous (it always has something to do with reducing child support) is simply “No thank you.” I hope he reads it with as much disdain as it is meant. It feels powerful to just be able to say “No.” No second guessing, no guilty feelings, no nothing!! Awesome sauce. 🙂

SomethingNew
SomethingNew
6 years ago
Reply to  SomethingNew

This attitude has also infected me at work, and you know what? Ever since I started saying no to stuff I know very well they can do themselves, they now try to do it themselves FIRST. It’s great, they learn stuff and I’m much less resentful from feeling like I’m being “put upon”, when really I was “taking upon”. Human nature is so interesting.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I just had a similar experience yesterday: post divorce 5 weeks ago, the only thing left is to get monthly reimbursements of childrens’ covered expenses, which are very specifically court ordered and the process for payment is directed to my bank account. X, ever the drama queen is trying the “you’re not the boss of me. . . ” and was outraged when I suggested he actually GO to the bank where we banked for 25 years, which is blocks from his office, and deposit the reimbursement directly as per the court order when his preferred methods of vimeo, bank to bank transfer, pay pal, etc. etc. etc. didn’t work.

I was going to respond with several blistering responses, but then decided that wouldn’t be NC.

The best fuck off is silence, . . I’m too busy with my new life to deal with your shit!
Baahaahaahaaaaaa

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

A few months after I kicked his twice-cheating ass out, my ex was trying to hoover;

Him: It was dumb of me to do things that pushed away such a strong, smart, loving woman.
Me: You forgot beautiful.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

You go, girl! Wish I could think that fast 😉

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

OMG, so me! The fixer-upper and the do-for person, the always-sympathetic ear! The ex started whining to me on the phone about some crap, a few months after I kicked him out, and I just listened ’til he stopped, waited a beat, and said ‘why are you talking to me about this?’.

He was shocked, SHOCKED!

Felt great.

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I did that, too, and it felt great. In the excruciating days between BD and the day he moved out of the family home, he tried to engage me in some whiny conversation I forget the details of. I stopped him mid-sentence and said, “I don’t want to hear it. Tell it to your new best friend. I’m not your mother, I’m not your wife any more. Tell it to Twatty. Maybe she can help you.”

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yes! Yes! Yes! This is not an herbal essences commercial, I just wish I would have said that!

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Mmmm… feels so good to shrug and explain that it is up to them to deal with their own consequences. You nailed it Stephanie, I was able to insert a few bars in here and there, but when my then-wife and I were in some early stage of tense discussions after i found out her secret, I said, “well, I’m done, enjoy life with ” She got so upset.

In retrospect, I should have taken that stance from day one because he was married too, and in quite a mess. The joy of letting go and not feeling responsible for others’ self-inflicted problems: that was my number one lesson.

Seeing Red
Seeing Red
6 years ago

Love that Chumpionoftheworld!! I need to post that on my door or just “let go” to remind me. I felt responsible and always put on my fix it hat for Narc the Cat’s self inflicted problems, and they were never ending. His emotional abuse and secret double life of cheating was to further kick me down because he felt I always had it better than he did (working and supporting him!). I’m finally letting go.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Amen to that. I was the fixer and he was the fucker-upper and when I FINALLY let go of the fixing it was such a relief.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

So perfect, Attie!!!!

Nicke
Nicke
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Omg. This needs to be a meme.

Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Congrats – as a fellow fixer, I know how hard it is to say no or to not help.

Great you felt good about NOT helping someone who is didn’t appreciate it anyway and badly just felt entitled to it.

Phoenixrising
Phoenixrising
6 years ago

First Xmas after I’d started divorce proceedings and our grown up kids had decided to spend Xmas with me, cheater was with his family, still trying to pretend OW didn’t exist. Sad text came – ‘Merry Xmas. Hope you have a lovely Xmas with the kids’ As usual I started to feel guilty and sorry for him, right on cue but then remembered my CL learning. Resisted everything that I was dying to say and texted back ‘Thank you. And I hope you both have a lovely Christmas too.’ Didn’t get any more texts. Ever. Funny that….? Thank you ?

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenixrising

A week before Father’s Day this year, I received an email from husband that was friendly (he does not like where our divorce settlement negotiations are headed 😉 so is trying to butter me up. In true CL fashion, I wished him an upcoming “Father’s Day that is as free of parental responsibility as the last three years have been (he abandoned me and our four teenagers). I got the “you’re so mean and bitter” response, but it felt SOOOOO good!

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

While hilarious, you know better than to poke the bear. And yes, he deserves it x 1,000.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenixrising

Love it!

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenixrising

Love this!! Reverse UBT=hope schmoopie was worth it fucker!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

MJB, I love it!!! REVERSE UBT! And your UBT translation was on spot. That’s in my repertoire now.

Phoenix, you did great!

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Phoenixrising

Nice, very nice.

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
6 years ago

Cheater pants sat in therapy whining about how he was so sad I was leaving, how I didn’t believe he’d never met the teenager that he was exchanging naked photos with even though she worked at a restaurant he ate at every Friday and I found a birthday card she’d written (no that was another teen with the same name really)! He sat in therapy crying about if only I could trust him and stop being insecure and just believe he worked worked out at 2am… and our computer had a virus!
The therapist looked at me and asked me if I could trust, give him a chance. I looked at cheater and said, ” I’m going to make your life a living hell! I’m going to ruin your entire life and let everyone know what a cheater you are and then I’m going to post your photos all over the Internet. I’m going to ruin you.” Cheater looked frightened and the counselor suggested we end the session.
It was my one moment of righteous anger!

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

You know, if I was married, I wouldn’t work out late at night like that. Sometimes I do work out late at night as a single, but that just looks suspicious and could be considered inconsiderate for a married person even if that person wasn’t cheating. But, I’m sure most people who do suspicious stuff otherwise, are not really “working” or “working out” at 2 am.

dumbutt
dumbutt
6 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

That made me a quake!! Awesome ?

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

wow … awesomeness right there 😀

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

that was for cocovoe

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Cocovoe

MJB, I love it!!! REVERSE UBT! And your UBT translation was on spot. That’s in my repertoire now.

Phoenix, you did great!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Shissh, my smartphone mixed up (or the person using it), repeated my reply to MJB.

What I wanted to say, Cocovoe, is that you made me feel sooooo much better!!! Good for you. What a fucking liar! Computer virus. An insult to our intelligence. My cheater lies to the judge!

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Ugh mine lied to the judge too. Hasn’t seen or called our son in 2 years, but tells the judge he’s the best dad ever. ?
I really wanted the judge to call him on all the bullshit and have a scene from a court room drama! You can’t handle the truth sorta thing. Didn’t happen!

desdemona
desdemona
6 years ago

Cheater was holed in a luxury apartment with schmoopie and sends the text.” i am so sorry for all you had to suffer ,could I see you just once? Can we meet for coffee?”
my response: Oh I am desperate for a coffee…shall I meet you at you apartment? and my mom wants to come along ..get schmoopie to put the kettle ON.

Cheater:after not agreeing for a mutual agreement for nearly 6 months, texts” Oh I am tired, I want to start a new life with the whore. Can we apply for divorce?”
My response: Ha ha good luck with your new life fucker! The divorce papers are already on the way to your lawyer.

Cheater: “you are the most precious thing in my life…but I lost you”
My response: ” Jesus wept”

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

Awesome! Jesus must do a lot of crying when he sees how cheaters act.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

“Jesus wept”
Just laughed out loud really loud.
Office now asking what is do funny.

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

>>Cheater: “you are the most precious thing in my life…but I lost you”
My response: ” Jesus wept”

This made my morning. Genius. I’m totally stealing this when my time comes. Thanks for the welcome laugh.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

Ok, “Jesus wept” is brilliant. Snort. ?

shacksie1
shacksie1
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Snort x2!
This is BRILLIANT!
Since my x is a son of a pastor, jesus-cheater, I’m actually on my knees praying for a chance to use “Jesus wept”. If you don’t mind, I’m tucking this one in my pocket and saving it for a rainy day.
🙂

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Shortest verse in the bible…

newme
newme
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

I love this, “Jesus wept”! I am going to use this! but, he is so stupid he won’t even know what I am talking about, but I will!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  newme

In the U.K. we say “Jesus wept” kinda like “OFFS”. If I said it I certainly wouldn’t be quoting the bible.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

Oh Boy, today’s post is simply GREAT.

Jesus wept.

I’m having so much fun. Chump Nation is hilarious and wise.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

I love how we are the most precious thing as they are walking out the door. My x said, “No matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life.” Something within me snapped and I responded,”NO! You don’t get to say that anymore! You can’t cheat on me after 30 years together and then claim I was the love of you life! You don’t get to do that!” He got teary eyed, but I was having none of it. Fuck that and fuck him.

Susan
Susan
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Good for you Violet !!

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

My reply to “but baby, you are the love of my life”? “Fuck, really? Hate to think what you do to the people you don’t like then.”

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Good for you, violet! That is mighty. 🙂

I have recently realized my fucktard is nonsensically clinging with every slimy finger and toe — to me, to our former marriage. He did everything humanly possible to crush me for more than two decades — and he succeeded in breaking so much inside of me. Yet, now that I am D.O.N.E., he can’t let go.

It’s hard to express how pissed I am about this. I wish I could tell him to fuck off, but No Contact keeps me sane and my family safe.

I do, however, get a bit of a vicarious thrill when other Chumps actively tell their ex-assholes to fuck off. 🙂

PhoenixRising03
PhoenixRising03
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Oh Violet….so so relate to this. Been married to my fuckwit for 34 years…he has absolutely broken me with his betrayal and manipulation….and he is now with OW…but yet has the balls to say “I miss you so much” and wants to hug me constantly…tries to kiss me?! WTF!!! When he gave me the miss you bullshit, I said to him “apparently not enough….now go crawl back to that while you think you want to live in”.

Phoenixrising
Phoenixrising
6 years ago

Awesome show of strength after 34 years Phoenix 03. You are mighty xx

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

Hahaha! I had that one too.
After going NC with him when I found out he had been cheating and other liar-y things (he had already moved out to “find his happiness”) he sent me a sad sack text,
“How are we going to get divorced if you won’t even talk to me?”
My response, “I already filed. You will be served soon.”
Unfortunately I didn’t remain NC that day because I received a barrage of texts mostly asking what he is supposed to do…hahaha! And this is coming from a wanker who was already divorced! I was Wife Appliance number 2!
“Get an attorney. The paperwork is massive. You will need to prove that you haven’t been misdirecting funds towards the AP or up your nose.” was my paraphrased response.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Nejla, very generous advice on your part.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I hope she charged $300 an hour. That’s strong legal advice. ?

ChumpedTheShark
ChumpedTheShark
6 years ago

After my third and final D-Day, ex was reciting his usual script of “I love you so much, I’m just a sad sad sausage that needs MORE love and understanding and compassion from you and I’m SO SAD you won’t forgive me” …

Fuckboy: “Why can’t you love me the way I am? I just can’t stop crying.”
Me: “Yeah, I bet you’re just crying buckets … out the end of your dick.”

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
6 years ago

And ChumpedtheShark for the win!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Agree. Maybe hors concours, because so many sasses are brilliant?

FeeBee
FeeBee
6 years ago

The day the divorce papers arrived in the mail, cheater took me aside and looking all sad said ” I just wanted to prepare you because the divorce papers are probably in your mailbox”. I let out a cry of absolute glee and said “oh thank God! This is the best day of my life!”. And it really was ?

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago
Reply to  FeeBee

I am so looking forward to that day, but The Worm is drawing it out as long as possible……..
My best retort was a response to him telling me how disrespectful I was, that my “chances with him were diminishing” and he “may start dating”.
I said, “What the hell, Worm? You’ve been dating for two years!”
He walked out……best day ever!

Awakeningdreamer
Awakeningdreamer
6 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

Wormfree

???. I’m dying, best name ever

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago

I thought twice about it because of the parasite reference…..but since he is a parasite, I just went with it….

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

Emptiest the threats ever! Oh, how will you cope without that prize, Wormfree?

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

I was shaking in my boots…NOT!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  FeeBee

Isn’t it though!
I swear I broke out in dance as I left the courthouse! I wanted to rent confetti cannons for the courthouse steps but they were way too expensive!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

My ex walked into the office to sign the divorce papers just as I walked out (we weren’t allowed in at the same time). He walked in all sad sausage face and as I walked out I gave my lawyer a HUGE grin and a thumbs up! Finally got rid of that fucker!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  FeeBee

Hahahaha! That’s awesome!

Freewill101
Freewill101
6 years ago

When I found out about his whore. He was very nasty and said the grass IS greener on the other side …….. Which broke me at the time
But after many months….During one of many angry texts with my stbx he was calling me for everything. Bitter ,vindictive ,jealous ,child alienator – you get the picture ……basically complaining about his consequences
. I laughed in his face and said. Guess the grass isn’t greener on the other side once you mow it a couple of times….., he hung up ?

Tahitibound
Tahitibound
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

OMG….brilliant and oh so true.

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Oh Snap! …once you mow it a couple times. THAT is golden.

Fool Me Twice
Fool Me Twice
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

That is hilarious!!!!

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Oh, these keep getting better!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Freewill, I screwed up my replies again today, maybe this is being too much fun. I wanted to say I loved your mown grass metaphor, it’s in my repertoire of snarks now.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

CL, I have an issue that “speaking truth to stupid is un-meh”. Actually, I think it’s an exercise that refines our pickers and helps us dissipate our spackle haze. Like MJB’s reverse-UBT.

And, as you say, it feels so damn good. I am having so much fun today.

I’ve related this zinger before, but here goes again since it is special for today:
Cheater and I are at court trying to reach an agreement and he’s twisting facts (= lying), which, one after the other, are being exposed by me and my lawyers. That felt good enough, but then cheater comes up with: “You can trust me!” (They really must have a brain disease).

And I reply “Please tell me how one goes about trusting a cheater!”. That startled his lawyer, but cheater replies “But I’m NOT a cheater!” (They REALLY must have a brain disease).

So I answer in a snarky tone “Oh yeah, so (OW’s complete name) is a cybernetic, intergalactic mirage”.

LOTS of sniggers from everyone, and his poor lawyer (a young girl, BTW), looks down at her lap.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I had a similar snarky moment in court w/JAMF. My engagement ring was his family heirloom, safely ensconced in a safe deposit box, and he had the sole key. He told his lawyer that I stole “the only thing I have from my dead mother”. Complete with fake cracking voice & attempting tears. I corrected him, asking if I meant the engagement ring he’d given me 8 years prior. Then asked if he planned on giving it to cocksocket, as she didn’t mind my leftover H, surely she’d want my ring as well. He looked like he shit his pants.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Posted too soon. His snarky lady lawyer said something to the effect that it was tacky of me to steal the ring. I said it’s tacky having your sidepiece in the marital bed.

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
6 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

My EX insisted on getting the engagement and wedding rings back as part of the property settlement. They were family heirlooms as well. This after he told me they would always be mine, even if we split up (from a completely hypothetical conversation the summer before we split – when I had no inkling that there were any problems. We were watching a TV show where a similar situation came up and I just asked what we would do in that instance. Little did I know he way lying.) He has them now – and I don’t care anymore, but at the time it was just another knife in the gut.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago

Peachy – ‘My EX insisted on getting the engagement and wedding rings back as part of the property settlement.’

Good Grief! Mine also wanted MY wedding ring and MY 30th anniversary gift of a hope-diamond grand- baby…(Oh! he loves me Soooo much after all these years..) . . just as I turn 60.

I knew at that point that he was disgusting after asking me for those 2 pieces of jewelry in our settlement….especially MY wedding ring. WTF is that? Yes, dear. And, will never forget him falling for my ‘cooperation’. I just told him after we were settled in the divorce that I couldn’t find the jewelry…oops, sorry. Must of lost it. haha. I knew he couldn’t prove it wasn’t missing. I was always careless where I left my jewelry and he knew it. Not that he bought it.

Guess I learned how to play sneaky is as sneaky does….and I hate him for bringing out that side of me.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Well, girls, if we had to give back every damn present cheaters ever gave us. And vice-versa. In my country judges won’t even consider these types of claims. I could sell everything in our house and sleep on the floor and cheater would have to complain with the bishop. The intent of every damn single cheater is to look good in the picture.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Yes!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Love it!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Love it. That’s got to be the winner!

Freewill101
Freewill101
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

Meant to mention after the many angry texts of the insults I got tired if it and didn’t reply he then rang me …again abusing me …., that is when my response angered him so much that he hung up

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

I tend to go with
The grass is always greener over the septic tank

SA.chump
SA.chump
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

isn’t that the name of a book by Erma Bombeck? Still a perfect response. Congrats!

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago

My ex-husband has tried desperately to normalize his drop-the-mic-and-walk-out abandonment of me with our two babies for a stripper who he moved cross-country for. Months later, in a text message, he complained about my bad attitude when we text. ‘Why are you always so sarcastic and pissed off when we talk?’ I responded “Ah, yes. The ‘It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it.’ defense. What you did is NOT NORMAL, and I am responding accordingly. You act as though this is just something that people do every day. Yes, I suppose some people do do this. They’re called family-abandoning assholes.’ No response.

Ever since then, he’s stored in my phone as FAA.

Nicke
Nicke
6 years ago

Beautiful.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I love you

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

5 months after D’day cheater was still not taking responsibility for anything let alone his cheating. So during a rare phone conversation, I asked, are you gay? Did you ever really love me?
He responded “You probably won’t believe me but 6 weeks ago I was delivered of an unclean sexual spirt”
I start laughing “you were delivered”
Him annoyed “yes”
Me “and who delivered you (insert name of moron pastor here who started peddling the demonic angle the moment he confessed)?”
Him “what you don’t believe me?”
Me, more laughing “Oh please you were given free will just like everyone else mate, you chose to cheat”
So now not only was I not buying his bullshit, I was rejecting the spiritual superiority of those he had entrusted his restoration too. Well the restoration of his straight facade.

Because I did not buy the whole spiritual victim act because if he was genuine he would have come to me when it happened and owned his issues and supported me in caring for our daughter no matter what it took. Everything became my fault and my choosing divorce was seen as my lack of whatever (insert all my faults here, spiritual, emotional etc,etc.) When he did not get the reaction he was hoping for, like me pitying the pathetic sod and making it all better for him, he went on the attack and threatened to sell the family home the children and I were still living in while our daughter was being treated for cancer.

More stupid shit,

Me, “How could you do this, are you gay”?
Him, “I was curious” (what repeatedly for 8 years)

Two weeks after coming clean he was still on a local combined church committee for a Christmas event.
Me angry,”do they know that we are no longer together and that you’re gay?”
Him, pissed at me for bringing it up “I took us both off singing as neither of us are fit to be involved in the public side of the event but I do not have to quit the committee because they do not need to know what I did as it is all in my past.” It was very present for me!!!!!!!!!

My fav come back to my ex is “Denial is not a cure”

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

“I was delivered of an unclean sexual spirit”
“Denial is not a cure!”

For the win Thankful! Just when you think you’ve heard it all something like this gets added to the cheater handbook. Holy almighty shit.

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I was delivered of an unclean sexual spirit the day I kicked him out

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Nice!!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

An awesome comeback Mephista!

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Bam!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

He he he! My X skeezie pervert ran and hid in the church after I caught him voyeuring the neighbor and sending her uwanted lewd texts. Maybe the “unclean spirit” grabbed a hold of him too!

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I’m assuming he “delivered” that unclean spirit right out of his dick and directly into the schmoopie du jour. ???

tequilatamm
tequilatamm
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Fantastic!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Naah, it’s a river in Egypt! Love your answers – you must have driven him mad!

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago

My retort was not that sassy, but relevant because I was reading CL’s book at the time (thankfully I found her pretty quickly after everything blew up). Cheaterpants asked me what I was reading. “A book on infidelity,” I replied. “Oh, you can ask me anything you need to know,” he quipped breezily, obviously flattered that I was making an effort to understand his ‘special situation’. “Oh, it’s nothing to do with you,” said I, “I just need to decide what I’M going to do about the situation”. That shut him up.

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

WOWwwwwwwwwWWWWWWW!!!

The conceit of that ass! Just, wow!

And the only good retort is exactly what you gave him.

(Why am I ever surprised by cheaters any more? But I am. WOW.)

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I know, Stephanie, so predictable (ie, it will always be about them).

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

I had a similar moment… 3 days postDDay, I told him I was wiring 1/2 of our liquid assets to a new checking account on my name only. He questioned if that was really necessary, and I said, “if we found out that my business partner was taking side contracts, would you or not renegotiate that contract?”
“But our marriage is so much more than a comtract” he countered.
I said “no, our marriage is a contract and you just broke it.” Crickets…

A few days later, he said that his affair might be the best thing for our family. I shot him a look that could kill and told him “our kiddo and I will have a great life because I will make sure it happens despite your despicable choices and digusting behavior.”

He looked dumbfounded as I left the room, that must have been close to the time when I instated NC.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Bravo! Beautiful.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

OMG!
Thank goodness it’s a holiday in my country. So I have time to read all of these brilliant snarks. I am having SO MUCH FUN. We say “Lose the roof and gain the stars”. Chump Nation is one of my stars twinkling and guiding me!

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks Chump Lady (for everything)! *Fangirling wildly at you replying*

Divinelife
Divinelife
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

+100000

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

Love that reply!!

nomar
nomar
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

You realize, of course, that what you said was probably more painful to him than anything else you could have said. ?

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Thank you, that thought warms my heart.

Single Cheer Mom
Single Cheer Mom
6 years ago

My husband told me he was “seeing someone.” I said “oh good, a psychiatrist?”

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago

Haha!

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago

Reminds me of a Rodney Dangerfield line.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

Sorry if that hits a sore spot for chumps, but that’s Rodney’s style of self-deprecating humor.

Peace.
aeronaut

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

I can hear Rodney’s voice as I read that, which just makes it funner, in that club-in-the-Catskills kind of way. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing. Reading all these comebacks is boosting my spirits, for sure.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Love it!

getting real
getting real
6 years ago

Oh my God, I’m not sure there’s even enough space on this blog for me to put my sassy, very true retorts.

The best one I can think of the moment occurred last weekend.

My husband for the past three years has been visiting prostitutes while traveling for work, and now that he is home looking for work, he’s been visiting prostitutes in Cities nearby.

Last fall he said he would remain monogamous, which I have heard many times over the past three years. So I said to him that he needs to take on full risk and sign a post nup. Which by the way in the country I live in is a legal document that the judge signs off on.

During this weekend we had a discussion. I told him I am ready to file unilaterally as I have offered many different options and he’s refused all.

I then revisited the post nup conversation, telling him my thoughts are he did not want to sign it because he wanted to continue living in the house and seen prostitutes.

His response: “I don’t believe in contracts ”

My response: “no shit Sherlock. You had a marriage contract with me and broke it”

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
6 years ago
Reply to  getting real

That’s epic !

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

When I had my STBX sign the divorce papers I said:
“I wanted sex and love too.” But as long as I stay married to you ….I won’t have those things. Sign the papers.

Awakeningdreamer
Awakeningdreamer
6 years ago

thats amazing!

PhoenixRising03
PhoenixRising03
6 years ago

Leaving….BOOM!! So perfect…I think I will need to borrow that line. 🙂

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
6 years ago

That is priceless…And so true! Brilliant LtCB!

Verity297
Verity297
6 years ago

After 30 years together and on the very last day as we were clearing the family home which had been sold. Holding out his hand, he said
“I guess this is where we shake hands and say see you soon”
My response, “I don’t think so, there is the door. Shut it quietly on your way out”.
He scowled and walked out leaving the door wide open. His last bit of control. I hope he heard me laughing. ?

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

This is awesome Verity297.

We were renting when I found out about his affair. I forced us both to rent new places, and we each moved our stuff 3 weeks later.

I had moved all papers and all my stuff to my new place progressively and had ordered new furtinure online, when move out day came, I needed the movers for one trip for the bigger items I wanted. That morning I woke up, put post-it notes on the stuff to be moved to my place and directed the movers towards my things when they got there.

When all my things were packed and on their way to the moving truck, he watched me as I took my key off the key chain, placed it on the kitchen counter, then asked “you’re coming back to help right?”

I just walked to the door and threw a smile and a good luck his way, and left. I had organized all of our 5 moves, and leaving him to deal with that one was pretty sweet.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

Beautiful! You pushed the tray with the final shit sandwich he offered you back at him to eat…So good.

Hurt1
Hurt1
6 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

It wasn’t a quite “let’s shake hands” scene but when freshly ex’ed by 24 hours, cheater came to get the last of his worthless shit out of the basement he approached me (mind you I had seen him just 3 times in 2 1/2 years since he ran away – 2 times in the courtroom) & said thanks for letting him get his stuff. He stood there like he wanted some sort of conversation. I just said, “Hope in the end this has all been worth it for you.” He made a goofy face & backed away. I went back in the house & cried.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

The last time I saw pervy pants……I said: You got the life wanted…..you got your mother – your hot sexy web cam hoes and your hot sexy hook up hoes…..now go and be happy with the choices you made. He said, “Would you want to me?” (boo hoo). I said, “Yes” I’d love to be you….then I could fuck people over and not give a rat’s ass about it.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

Verity…..I am leaving a 31 year marriage….selling my home. There will be no ” Let’s shake hands and be friends.” I do not want or need friends who deceive me….lie to me, put my health at risk with STDs.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago

What’s up with the “let’s shake hands” crap? I got that one too, and looked at him like he was an alien from space. Who the eff shakes hands with someone they were married to and intimate with for 25+ years? And who is trying to damage them financially while still saying they want to be friends? they are insane.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

At least mine was decent enough to say “I hope we can be friends someday” instead of right now. Who knows. Maybe 20 years from now I will have forgiven him.

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago

Forgiveness is one thing. Being able to trust them enough to even be friends? I’m not sure I could do that.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenK

Karen….I don’t need friends who lie to me and deceive me. I call that an enemy.

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago

This!

Verity297
Verity297
6 years ago

Yes, I got the whole friends thing from exH. Not going to happen. I told him that I already had enough friends that I actually like.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Verity297

I have a reply ready for the let’s be friends thing. “You are below the minimum standard I have set for my friends” he hasn’t asked to be friends….

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

The last text I will ever send to pervy pants said: Good luck with the life you have chosen for yourself. Please do not contact the kids if you are arrested for voyeuring, caught in a prostitution sting- or if you contract HIV. Thanks.

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Good one. I would have been tempted to add “…and my minimum standards aren’t even THAT high.”

newme
newme
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I have friends, and you are not one of them!

Theresa
Theresa
6 years ago
Reply to  newme

One day post d-day when things were calm discussing selling the house he said out of the blue ” we’re going to be one of those couples that lives apart but see each other weekly to sleep together”. I’m sorry to say I had no response to that … All I could do is look at them in disbelief, like he really thought after all this time I wanted to be with him while he had other side dishes?

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

When I found the mountain of porn/webcam hoes/hook up sites on his cell phone…….I threw the cell phone smack in his face and said “You are a monster”- Get out- and stay out! Not so clever- but the word “monster” seemed to get through his thick wall of denial.

The deception, the lies, the smiling in my face/fucking me over behind my back with strangers on the internet= a monster. What else can it be called?

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago

Not to mention the blameshifting and the verbal attacks.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

“Monster” is quite apt. It was the one word that kept resonating through my mind during all of the cognitive dissonance.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies. . . . And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?” (John Steinbeck- East of Eden)

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago

Dang, here I am, wide awake at the wee hours of the morning. It’s going to be a tired day. Bring on the dark roast!

As for a retort I am pretty darn proud of…. I had a narc sniffing around a few years ago. Didn’t take long to have his number, he was a classic case. During the one phone conversation we had, he was trying to get me to tell him where I lived………over and over, which was deeply creepy. He asked me if I was frightened living by myself out in the country. I told him absolutely not. If someone tried to break in, they would have to get through some very good locks. If they managed that, they would have to get past my honkin big dog. And if, by some miracle the got past my dog, well, I had a .357 magnum. I told him that a .357 magnum can crack an engine block, don’t cha know, and it will make enormous holes in would be home invaders.

I never heard from him again…..Gee, I wonder why? (Tongue firmly in cheek!)

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Love this! Empowered to the nth degree.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

x, who had a 5+ year affair, wasn’t invited to son’s wedding due to all the personal attacks on said son. He went all sad sausage about it and sent me a text
Just thinking how in love we were last time son got married.
My response
Just thinking how you were fucking the ow last time son got married.
Apparently that hurt his feelings.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

After emptying our bank accounts and running off with ow while I was at work, I got a call from x a week later saying he hadn’t taken enough money to keep ow in the style he promised her and didn’t know what to do. My response…next time pick a mistress who has a job.
Still cannot wrap my head around him coming to me for advice! Exactly how big was the chump stamp on my forehead!

Fool Me Twice
Fool Me Twice
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Awesome!!!!!!!

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Winner!!
Man that is an AWESOME response!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

???? Oh my God!

shacksie1
shacksie1
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

WTF, newday!! Ohhh, I’d be in jail. I don’t know how you kept your wits, but that is a great response.

shacksie1
shacksie1
6 years ago

As soon as x moved out, I went no contact. Three weeks later, he sent me a text:
“I am so sad. I can’t stop crying. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever known and will never love anyone as deeply again.”

I wanted to shut that shit down fast, so I immediately replied:
“Too bad it wasn’t deep enough to keep your dick out of bar skanks, married whores and morbidly obese old high school friends”

I waited a couple of minutes (the requisite amount of time to let the rage set in) and sent another text:
“There….I bet you feel a lot less sad now……You’re welcome. Quit fucking texting me.”

And I didn’t get another text like that again. 🙂 Not yet anyway.

Nicke
Nicke
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

You are my hero.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

Simply brilliant!

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

Excellent…and with perfect timing!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

fabulous

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

“You’re welcome.”

Priceless!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

That is perfect!

paula
paula
6 years ago
Reply to  shacksie1

Brilliant!!!

Hopefloats
Hopefloats
6 years ago

When my ex was served divorce papers at the OW’s house, he actually said I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you filed for divorce! My response, well I guess since you didn’t tell me you got yourself a girlfriend while we were married we’re even.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

You just reminded me of the year after my ex-Asshat moved out to continue his affair with a friend of mine who was a Christian life coach. His arrogance and silent treatment that first year were brutal. But when tax time rolled around, he emailed me to say “we need to discuss taxes…blah blah blah.” He amiably suggested I claim our two college-aged kids, and he would claim the younger two. I promptly informed him I had already filed, and claimed all four exemptions. He was livid! He said how could I just decide to take all the exemptions without discussing things with him first?! I replied, “If you can unilaterally decide our marriage is over, I can damn well decide to unilaterally claim all the kids.” He ended up with a $10,000 tax bill that year and is still paying on it, while telling the kiddos how mean I was. THAT was the day I began my MEH journey. ?

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Today we’ll just have to roll the dices at the best sass. Hope, that was brilliant! Just gave me an idea.

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Brilliant!

coolbean
coolbean
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

When he got served at work (I was nice enough to tell the server to do it outside, not in front of anyone), ex called and said: Do you know how humiliating that was? My response: Not nearly as humiliating as it was for me to find out that you were “in love” with another woman!
No response.

PhoenixRising03
PhoenixRising03
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Winning reply!!!

tequilatamm
tequilatamm
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Touche’! Yes. Yes, you do win the Internet for today!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

That is perfect too!!! Every one of these is making my rainy commute!!!!

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Awesome!!!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopefloats

Madam, you win the internet for today.

Meh Nation
Meh Nation
6 years ago

After speaking to her first husband’s family I found out her 1st marriage ended due to an affair. (She left that part out). When she got word I contacted them, I got a text…”did you contact my ex’s family?”.

She wrote “ANSWER ME!”
Then I got “Never mind, I got my answer”

I wrote “Did they lie to me?”

She wrote “Here’s the thing, the truth is subjective….”

I wrote, “Here’s the thing. You can’t handle the truth” ( A Few Good Men”) Good title 🙂

She wrote “Done”

I wrote “Way ahead of you…”

D day is one year in the rear view. Worst to best year of my life! Thanks for the book!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh Nation

The truth is never pure and rarely simple. Oscar Wilde

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh Nation

Well played!

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

When the Twat ran off with the Skank we went into town to close our joint bank account and open up individual accounts. He was all sad sausage because he already knew he had made a mistake and wanted to come back (say what, the skank with the trunny legs, fat ankles and face like the north end of a camel going south isn’t doing it for you anymore?)! Although we made decent money together (I earned just a little more than him) we were forever in debt because he had to have the man toys (which he never took care of) and then there was the buying rounds in the bar, and the €1,000 handbag for the skank (I bought mine for €10 in Turin market and it lasted longer). So of course he very quickly ran into financial trouble even though he wasn’t paying rent etc and had left me to pay for our 2 kids who were still at home, the mortgage, etc. About a month later he said “oh, I’m having a little financial flow trouble (ya think?) so I might need to borrow some money”! I had bought him out of the house so he had received that money and obviously already spent it!!! I still had a little left despite having ongoing mortgage payments. That was when I realized he could see my account via internet banking because the bank hadn’t took him off that link. So I said, “nah sorry, THIS bank is closed forever”. So he said “why not, I see you have it?” To which I just replied “I’ve got two words for you, and the second one is off”! (Not sure if he figured that out though=!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Ha ha ha! The north end of a camel going south! He could have had the decency to “cheat upward”- not downward!

Chumpella
Chumpella
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

“When the Twat ran off with the Skank”

Attie – what a fantastic potential book title.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpella

Or a poem. Hereafter my adaptation of an Edward Lear poem:

The Twat and the Skank went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

The Twat looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar (side note: this is great he really did think he could play guitar),
“O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are, You are, You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!”

Pussy said to the Twat, “You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?”

They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose, His nose, His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

“Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?” Said the Piggy, “I will.”
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.

They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon, The moon, The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Hey Attie, “so I might need to borrow some money”.

Remember that financial infidelity walks hand in hand with marital infidelity, as pointed out by CL this very week. Don’t be cheated on twice.

I’m expecting the SAME BS from my STBXH.

My answer is ready. He can sleep in his goddamn Minicooper (very expensive in my country and cheater is 6’4”) for all I care. My sister’s BIL, for the same reasons (just the address changes), had to sleep for months in his fancy Range Rover after his wife kicked him out. Lucky for her, in those days the law punished cheaters. Not anymore.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I gave him so much more than he should have received just to get rid of him so there will never ever be any more. Funny thing is, the day I got back off holiday there was a message from the same bank wanting to talk to Mr. B. I asked which one (ex-husband and 2 sons) so sorted one out but they inadvertently let slip that ex was seriously overdrawn here in France too and they wanted it sorted out (he’s back in the States). Karma gives me lovely dreams.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Not Just Financial infidelity. Ostentation as well. Part of the pathology.

Kate
Kate
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Omg “north end of a camel going south” dying laughing over here

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

In his defense, it could be ‘piss’ or it could be ‘fuck’. Leaning towards the latter, but one never knows. In practice, he deserves both.

Peace.
aeronaut

PF
PF
6 years ago

“You should have told me you’re a village vagina. Every time you fart a random dude pops out and that’s one less missing person.”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  PF

LOL!!!! Love it! In my repertoire. Cheater would fart and/or burp whenever I said something that made him uncomfortable. Now I understand why.

PhoenixRising03
PhoenixRising03
6 years ago
Reply to  PF

People are looking at me as I sit on the train laughing at some of these great lines. Thanks to all for a much needed smile.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  PF

PF, you have some of the greatest lines. Thanks for the morning laugh!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

My ex told me “You know I am going to marry (insert OW name here)” My response “And I hope you treat her as well as you treated me.”

I could have said more, but this was in front of the kids who were 11 and 9.

Awakeningdreamer
Awakeningdreamer
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Spot on!

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Nothing more needed, you said it all, in so little words. Perfect.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

My ex-twat is getting married next weekend. He told me he was leaving 5 months ago and claims to have met new woman 2 days after that on a dating website (we were together 20 years but never married). I have had a lot of ideas about possible congratulations cards (like “congratulations on winning your very own sparkling turd!”) but this one is extremely tempting!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I’ll have to remember that one. Very good!

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

“And I wish you both all the happiness you deserve!”

That would be NONE…

Chumpette
Chumpette
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I think I would have said “And I hope she treats you as well as you treated me.” But yours is funnier

jj
jj
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

I expect I’ll face this soon, this is a gold response. Hope you don’t mind my borrowing it!

Frew Vix
Frew Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Brilliant.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I’ve posted this before, but for the benefit of any new members of CN…

Kunty Kibbler had precious few instances of the charm and self pity channels, and only in the days immediately after the day of reckoning — it’s been pretty much all rage all the time. Even before I knew what NC/GR were, I was putting them into practice as the only way of staying sane.

One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, working from home, when she launched into one of her tirades about how I was making things unnecessarily difficult, how I wasn’t showing her any respect, how I was only making it harder on myself by not moving on from “whatever happened between us,” etc.

After 10 minutes of ignoring her, she finally shouted, “Goddammit, I want you to acknowledge me!!”

Is said, “OK, here you go” — and raised my middle finger at her.

Working It Out
Working It Out
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That is an amazingly appropriate response!

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Ux that made me spit my coffee!! Big hugs mighty one!!!

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

❤️ This!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

and for Newbies, UXWorld is our Ninja Master at Grey Rock (having had to live with rage-machine KK for TEN MONTHS before she moved out). My nickname for him is El Capitan, for the most impressive grey rock imaginable (in Yosemite).

KarenK
KarenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

There is a gray rock named El Capitan in Yosemite? You know, there are mac computers with the El Capitan and Yosemite operating systems. Sometimes, they act like gray rocks.

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
6 years ago

My x came back 3 days after I threw him out and told me he was moving back in, both our names were on the lease and legally I couldn’t throw him out. I stood a moment, deer in headlights, imagining the hell of seeing him every day. Then smoothly told him FINE, but 2-4 am was for vacuuming. Every night.
He did not come back. ?

ChumpyKindofLove
ChumpyKindofLove
6 years ago

Genious!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

Lol. Good one! ?❤️

Kelli
Kelli
6 years ago

Scene: January, 2017. My then 5 year old daughter had just had her tonsils removed after battling strep for 6 months. Her paternal DNA contributor, whom I call “Uncle Dad,” has not picked up his children for his supervised visitation since November, 2015, texts me.

Uncle Dad: Why didn’t you tell me about [daughter’s] surgery?

Me: Awww, you’re cute! Do you want the reasons alphabetically or chronologically?

Phoenixrising
Phoenixrising
6 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

That is just FABulous! ?

Phoenixrising
Phoenixrising
6 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

That is just FABulous!! ?