I don’t know what to make of British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. He seems to be a creature constructed entirely of pomposity and paste. His self-regard could be a renewable energy source. A famous philanderer, one of his former Schmoopies, Jennifer Arcuri, made headlines this week for confirming, that yes, she had an affair with Boris from 2012-2016.
Okay, Jennifer and this makes you special how exactly?
I don’t get the sense that a man built like a human gummy eraser is particularly discerning.
But hell hath no fury like an Other Woman forgotten. Jennifer has broken the silence. On Boris Johnson’s pasta skills. The Mirror reports:
She described the pasta dish as “perfectly inedible”, and added: “He can barely find his socks, let alone cook dinner. It was horrible. It was soggy and limp. This man was completely useless in the kitchen.”
Overcooked noodles aside, it was a classy affair, Jennifer is at pains to tell the British tabloid. They read Shakespeare to one another. And then she sent the “arty topless photos.”
Boris Johnson, father of numerous (as yet uncounted) children, was married at the time to his long-suffering wife and former affair partner Marina.
Jennifer recounts that she and Boris hooked up frequently at the family home. Eating their flaccid cheesy pasta together, reciting Macbeth (When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain? When the hurly-burly’s done…) before getting to the “good stuff” moments before Marina arrived home from work.
(It’s unclear what Jennifer does for a living. Nebulous description of business woman, many mentions of the stripper pole in her Shoreditch flat.)
Anyway, Jennifer is a Different Woman Now.
“I could have handled things very differently. I’m a different person now. All women have experiences in their lives and not all of them are the best memories, but all of them make a mark on who you are, how you learn and how you develop.
“I’ve had to step back and look at exactly what happened here and I don’t want to be defined by this. I was never defined by Boris Johnson.”
I’m sure your disassociation will be complete with a splashy tell-all in the Sunday Mirror.
These days Jennifer is a married mother. She told her husband Matthew Hickey about the cheesy pasta.
But she said she has always been open with him about her affair with Mr Johnson.
Arcuri added: “I said, ‘Look, there’s something about me you need to know. I’m a very open book here.
“I’m not trying to play the two of you, but this has been the most consistent man in my life, given the -circumstances. Feel free to show him up.’ And he did.
Feel free to pick-me dance, Matt, with the British prime minister.
Does Boris care? Last seen he was egg beating his thinning blonde strands to wear as a soufflé upon his head. Brushing up on his Shakespeare, and against any woman not repulsed enough to let him.