Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been separated about 8 months from my STBX cheater. We were married for 7 years when he began having an affair with his ho-worker. I went through the hell of false reconciliation several times and I finally said enough was enough, because I just couldn’t buy his bullshit anymore, and I […]
Respond to Mindfuckery with Ridicule
Ideally, no one sticks around for gaslighting. The best response is no response — because you’re not there. But if you’re still in the thick of this infidelity crap, and every day is a whizz in the mindfuck blender here’s a pro tip — disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. […]
What Do We See in Narcissists Anyway?
As much as I advise against untangling the skein of fuckupedness, we chumps (myself included) spend a lot of time decoding cheaters, narcissists, and the other assorted wing nuts in our lives. But really, the best policy once you’ve determined someone is toxic is to steer clear. File them under “Creep” and adjust your life […]
UBT: ‘I hold no animosity for you’
Dear Chump Lady, I am a chump. I was married for two and a half years before I grew strong enough to leave. After multiple DDays and therapy, I finally got out. Last November, my then-husband became very sick while we were on vacation and I took him to the ER. He was in ICU […]
New Narc Strategy? Be Boring
Dear Chump Lady, I’m writing to ask if you could write a post about how and whether gray rock differs from no contact. Thanks to your blog, I went firmly “no-contact-as-possible-with-shared-custody” very early on. It’s been years since I’ve communicated with the ex via any method other than text or email, and it’s only around […]
Cheater Exceptionalism
“Marn” submitted this delicious nugget of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say: “I live outside the boxes that others live in. I’m not like other people. I am not limited that way. I am not defined by society’s rules.” Raise your hand if you had a Maverick Cheater, unlimited by the constraints of society. Esther Perel has […]
Entitlement Reinforcement
We talk a lot here about intermittent reinforcement — that power that makes chumps stay because you get a small pay off. A kibble? For me? Wait. Wait. Wait. Nothing. (Tectonic plates shift, the earth ages, glaciers melt…) KIBBLE! OMG! A scrap! It’s so, so significant because it’s as rare as unicorn teeth. My precious! […]
Dear Chump Lady, Is he a narcissist?
Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now and am learning tons about all the different kinds of fuckwits out there. For some reason I really need my cheater to be a narcissist. I’m stuck on the idea that if he isn’t a narcissist then maybe there was something wrong with […]
UBT: I Didn’t Know How to Express My Unhappiness
Hi Chump Lady, I’m 7 months out from D-Day…40-year old chump, married 15 years with 2 sons. Some highlights I discovered… My wife had multiple affairs throughout our marriage, including with someone that she hired on to work for my business. She would have me watch our kids while she said she she was attending writing […]
How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
Once upon a time I got a call for a post on how to co-parent with a narcissist. So, here’s your article. If I were feeling flippant (as I often am), I could answer this in two sentences: You cannot co-anything with a narcissist. You are only permitted to orbit. Seriously, this whole notion of reciprocity […]
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