Dear Chump Lady, I need your help because I sabotage my own life by comparing myself to the ex’s new woman (one of the many OW behind my back). She owns a business. She is also a cross fit junkie with abs of steel. My body is soft. She is blond. I have almost black […]
When Your D-Day Is After the Divorce
Dear Chump Lady, How do I get over the Beauty and Beast fiction? Briefly: married my brother’s friend at 25, 2 girls and 20 years later, he divorces me. The 3 years up to divorce, I was a solid gold pick me dancer to a covert narcissist. (My diagnosis/skein untangling.) I was always successful in […]
Dear Chump Lady, I don’t think he’s a narcissist
Dear Chump Lady, I’m a chump who discovered my husband’s year-long affair that took place nine years ago while dealing with the fallout of me discovering him messaging and dating a couple of women telling them we’d separated and that he was lonely. A bit of backstory, at the time of the messaging/dating, I’d left […]
“Why do cheaters need to punish the chump?”
Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been separated about 8 months from my STBX cheater. We were married for 7 years when he began having an affair with his ho-worker. I went through the hell of false reconciliation several times and I finally said enough was enough, because I just couldn’t buy his bullshit anymore, and I […]
Respond to Mindfuckery with Ridicule
Ideally, no one sticks around for gaslighting. The best response is no response — because you’re not there. But if you’re still in the thick of this infidelity crap, and every day is a whizz in the mindfuck blender here’s a pro tip — disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. […]
What Do We See in Narcissists Anyway?
As much as I advise against untangling the skein of fuckupedness, we chumps (myself included) spend a lot of time decoding cheaters, narcissists, and the other assorted wing nuts in our lives. But really, the best policy once you’ve determined someone is toxic is to steer clear. File them under “Creep” and adjust your life […]
UBT: ‘I hold no animosity for you’
Dear Chump Lady, I am a chump. I was married for two and a half years before I grew strong enough to leave. After multiple DDays and therapy, I finally got out. Last November, my then-husband became very sick while we were on vacation and I took him to the ER. He was in ICU […]
New Narc Strategy? Be Boring
Dear Chump Lady, I’m writing to ask if you could write a post about how and whether gray rock differs from no contact. Thanks to your blog, I went firmly “no-contact-as-possible-with-shared-custody” very early on. It’s been years since I’ve communicated with the ex via any method other than text or email, and it’s only around […]
Cheater Exceptionalism
“Marn” submitted this delicious nugget of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say: “I live outside the boxes that others live in. I’m not like other people. I am not limited that way. I am not defined by society’s rules.” Raise your hand if you had a Maverick Cheater, unlimited by the constraints of society. Esther Perel has […]
Entitlement Reinforcement
We talk a lot here about intermittent reinforcement — that power that makes chumps stay because you get a small pay off. A kibble? For me? Wait. Wait. Wait. Nothing. (Tectonic plates shift, the earth ages, glaciers melt…) KIBBLE! OMG! A scrap! It’s so, so significant because it’s as rare as unicorn teeth. My precious! […]
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