The Fear They’re Going to Be Better for Somebody Else

better for somebody else

I get the same FOMO “Will they be better for somebody else?” letter here at Chump Lady over and over again. It goes like this:

I know he’s a liar and a cheat. He did 14,357 unspeakable things (all described). I can’t let go because I know if I do, he’s going to change and be different for the other woman! And after all this work I’ve done, all this history we have, I will miss out! I wouldn’t be able to bear it — the two of them together being perfect while my life sucks! Help. 

(Forgive the gender pronouns. It works in reverse too. Men have the same fears their wives/boyfriends will be fabulously better for somebody else too.)

I suffered from a bad case of They’re Going to Be Better for Somebody Else myself. Which, when I look back on it, was pretty delusional. I was wife #3 and all the marriages ended over his infidelities. Years later, I got the validation that he’s still the same old scumbag when someone wrote a profile on him on a cheater site, saying he targets single mothers. (I was a single mother. The OW was a single mother…) Oh, but at the time of the marriage, I was truly stricken by the thought that I was going to miss out on something wonderful if I got Mr. Cheaterpants out of my life.

Because, you know, he did the “remorse.” He did the therapy. And the problem was, I wasn’t patient for the results. Or so he told me. It didn’t seem to be sticking, all that insight and sorriness. But when I thought that the OW would get him? Suddenly I could imagine him 100% new and improved… for her.

WTF?

What is going ON here?

A few thoughts.

You’ve bought into the idea at some level that the problem is you.

You’re not special. You’re not worthy. They only act this way because you are lacking in some fundamental way. The Reconciliation Industrial Complex bombards chumps with this message too. What was missing from the marriage that made them cheat? And cheaters are so very good at the blameshifting, sending you the same message, that hey you suck, you didn’t do enough to keep me satisfied. All you know for sure is that you aren’t enough. Then they try to keep you off balance so you’ll do the Pick Me dance so they can keep eating cake. It’s all very natural to wonder if the other person isn’t the magic elixir that will make them happy.

Because that is what’s important here — their happiness. You’ve bought into that too.

You’ve been on ego kibble starvation rations.

When you’re with a cheater narcissist, you give an infinite number more kibbles than you receive. We all need some kibbles, especially from our partners. But when you’re on starvation kibble rations, those kibbles take on an inflated value. Every now and then, your cheater will sparkle, just enough to keep you hooked. And being at the center of the laserbeam of sparkles is addictive. So when you see your partner turning on the sparkles for someone else? You turn into Gollum. My precious kibbles! My precious!

They like it like that. Keeps you dancing for them. Keeps them in cake.

You have tunnel vision because of the sunk costs.

It’s galling and depressing beyond words to consider the wasted time and energy spent on a bad relationship. You want something for your investment. You’ve been putting fistfuls of quarters into that slot machine and now it’s going to pay off for some other idiot? Hell no!

The house always wins. Your cheater is keeping the quarters. They already spent them. Sure, they might spit out a few here and there to keep you playing. But please just walk away. Let the next sucker play the rigged game.

I believe in miracles.

Let’s say they change for the affair partner. Does it really change the 14,357 unspeakable things they did? I had to get to the point where I didn’t care anymore if he was Mr. Perfect for someone else. He wasn’t Mr. Perfect for ME. Those unspeakable things were deal breakers. I couldn’t trust him again. It was destroyed. I had to walk away from my investment.

Chumps need to trust that they suck. Could they be better? I suppose some of them could, sure. But they CHOOSE not to be. Put another way — they’re really good at selling, but not so good at sealing the deal. Who doesn’t love sparkles? You did. The other person does, now, at first. But for whatever reason, these people don’t enjoy commitment, they enjoy selling. They’re snake oil salesman. Like all salesmen, they project an air of exclusivity — act now! This is very, very special! But it’s rubbish, and then they’re on to the next town.

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Sugarglider
Sugarglider
6 years ago

I wouldn’t be in a rush to address our little Downunder Peccadillo – it is the gift that keeps giving. Headline in the Canberra Times this morning: “Barnaby blames his travel schedule for marriage breakdown”.

Anyway, I needed this reminder. I have found Australia a very triggering place to live this past week and a reminder that he sucks and it wasn’t to do with my worth is VERY welcome right now.

ozziechump
ozziechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

My daughters and I have also been triggered by humpty bumpty Joyce!

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

I like the name a tweeter came up with for Barnaby : “the Beet-rooter”
That’s about all to like about him, now he’s revealed himself to be yet another hypocritical conservative trumpeting “family values” while he cheats on his wife

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
6 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

I haven’t got a clue who this Joyce fellow is (I am american, and that means I don’t need to know a lot about places halfway round the world), but I have a feeling that if we traded you a Trump for your Joyce, we’d be trading up.

lol

Want to trade?

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider
GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Pretty good snark. However, her assumption that most of the couple’s mutual friends will “drop the cheater, keep the chump” is not as likely a scenario as the writer hopes, from what I’ve read from CL and CN. The one perceived as less socially powerful will be the one who is dropped. The cheater-AP pair is more likely to be “fun-loving, fun to be around, more free spending.”

LeslieWB
LeslieWB
2 months ago
Reply to  GrandmaChump

Exactly. My ex husbands family embraced her with open arms even tho I had been in the family 20+ years and most friends, even the ones I had before ex, sure are quick to place that “like” on their smoochy FB posts. I’m an introvert. He’s the fun one. But, at least I can sleep at night knowing I’m not a cheater, or someone who supports a cheater.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Epic!

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Fabulous article… reminds me of the quote “when a man marries his mistress, he merely creates a vacancy”

Goaheadandjump
Goaheadandjump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

That article was goood! I’m
Trying to control myself and not send it to the millennial whore. Oh how I want to.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
2 months ago
Reply to  Goaheadandjump

Oh but you don’t need to. She’s about to live it.

LeslieWB
LeslieWB
2 months ago

Yep! The OW/OM figured out what buttons to push to get their man/woman. So they know they have to keep bushing that button, often. It’s some small comfort knowing my ex husbands now-wife has to push that button everyday, no matter if she is tired, has a headache, is sad or had a bad day… etc or she may end up like me 😂

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
2 months ago
Reply to  LeslieWB

Right Leslie??? Good luck filling that bottomless pit, Schmoops.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Thank you for posting great snark article!!

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Sugar glider and Lola I too am triggered all day everyday with the Barnaby circus right now!!! Thanks for the article thank heavens for Turnbull speaking out and this article…..
How’s sleazy Shorten chiming in about this???? slimy cheater himself …do they think we forget who they really are ?… ????????????????????

sugarglider
sugarglider
6 years ago
Reply to  WhereisMia

Oh Turnbull got blasted for being too preachy and moralising, and yeah he was – but he spoke for me! The Fairfax women – and John Birmingham have written the most brilliant articles. But I have been triggered all fortnight by this but heartened by some very public conversations about the women of Australia not tolerating such behaviour anymore. YAY AUSSIE WOMEN!

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  WhereisMia

Yes Shorten is taking a risk speaking out, unless he sticks to the issues of “jobs for partners” and “soliciting free love-nest accommodation from party donors”. I think Shorten’s 1st wife only found out when the OW (now wife) was pregnant

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Tracy, your opening essay today is one of your best. Loved the last 6 sentences of section 3 as a mini-essay. But then in section 4, paragraph 2, you wrote something like: “Chumps always trust that they suck” and I thought ooh, the “they” could be read as either “chumps” or “cheaters.” Because early on, the chumps’ shaken confidence compels them to think it’s their own fault that the FW wandered. And run through the hopium that since it’s their own fault, they can fix it. No contact gets them to reality and that gets them to meh, but oh, the road there is often so very long! Hope someday we’ll all get to “Happy in A-MEH-ri-ka!”

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thankful for this. For the longest time, I’d get lost in the notion that Honey (now expecting baby number 2 with HomeWrecker…mazel tov, jackass!) enjoyed some amazing romance with her fated since the dawn of time, while I’m all alone for the past 3 years raising our 2 children with him 2,000 miles away. The truth – the truth I have to slap myself with every day – is that she was nothing more than a byproduct of a philanderer who decided well in advance of traveling for work to go have affair(s). She. Is. Not. Special.

But the fact that I was a post-partum new mom of 2 very young babies (with sticky substances or baby spitup somewhere on my person 24/7) and she was a stripper? Oh, it was horrible at first. Not only was it deeply humiliating and Springer-esque, but I imagined this Vegas style show she must put on in the bedroom for him every night, whereas I was too exhausted from babies to even FIND the bedroom. I thought for so long ‘this was my fault.’ Then I found this blog and I realized how long and how often he’d shown me he sucked, that I needed to believe it, and now I finally do. He truly, deeply, madly sucks. And I was a great wife in a vulnerable position that he took advantage of. He’s a horror show of well-hidden disorders and he is now with a person of his caliber. Good riddance.

I hope anyone who reads this who just began their journey will be able to save years of agonizing self-blame. If I had a time machine, I’d go back, slap myself and say ‘Snap out of it!’, hug myself, leave the web address for this blog on a sticky note, and save myself all of that unnecessary suffering.

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago

I’m glad he’s found his match, not that doing so will keep him true. But I’m overjoyed that you’ve found your meh! I too am enjoying a life philanderer-free!

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Best cartoon ever! And since they are all OUTSTANDING that is saying a lot.
I love the little tufts of chest hair missed during the cheaters’ “manscaping”
Are you sure my 57 yr old cheater and his 29 yr old “twu love” didn’t pose for you?

Ka-chump
Ka-chump
2 months ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Are you sure my 57 yr old cheater and his 29 yr old “twu love” didn’t pose for you?”
🐸🐸🐸

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Ha. Schmoopie’s the same age he is, 49, but she tries really hard to look like the girl in this drawing and probably sees herself that way.

Mjo
Mjo
6 years ago

This is my thinking, 100%. Me. Me. Me. In fact, I was planning on writing him one day and telling him how he failed and how he could be a better person but then I could myself and said, no don’t!!! My reasoning was that if I do, he’ll use my advice and be better. For her.

Kind of unrelated, In the height of my agony, my brother once told me “maybe she’s just better suited for him”. It really made me feel awful about myself. Like I wasn’t good enough. I haven’t spoken to him in a while.

Mehitable
Mehitable
2 months ago
Reply to  Mjo

I know this is an old post but I think THIS IS TRUE. She IS (was – it might be over by now) better suited for him because she’s also a piece of crap. Crap belongs with crap.

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Mjo

Possibly your brother meant, “Crap likes crap.” Does he know how you took it? Men as a class aren’t great at the nuances of words.

fmlchumped
fmlchumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

THIS!! I always feel for some reason compelled to give him advise. I don’t know why..maybe to see if it sticks or see if it gets to his brain somehow. Its like a curse of mine helping people figure themselves out. I had to finally realize he isn’t listening and same as you I don’t want him to know honestly how to be a better person. I am four months for DDay and one month from finding out there have been dozens of ONS in the last 5 years. Nothing I say or do will change anything. Best to remain no contact and hope that he doesn’t get better.

Goaheadandjump
Goaheadandjump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

I want to smack your brother! So hurtful! Adultry brings out the worst in people. They seem to just not know how to react.

Struggling (but doing a lot better)
Struggling (but doing a lot better)
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

I’ve been told by others that she is as big of an asshole as he is. Fine, let them be assholes together. I’ve been his moral compass for twenty years, and now he is free to be the jackass he’s always wanted to be. They certainly are well-suited. Personally I think it’s a matter of time before one of them turns on the other, but hey… what do I know? Or care? Maybe someday I’ll find someone well suited to me. Someone who shares my values, reciprocates, and shows me through his actions that he cares about my feelings. Either way I’d rather be alone and respect myself than be with him and feel like a piece of shit.

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

My stbx and his OW are well-suited for each other. They are both liars and cheats with no integrity. My stbx did/does not like my honesty.

And they don’t change. Our daughter told me that on their last camping trip he was yelling at OW – and she was trying to help him.

Yes – it’s not about us chumps. It’s their need for strange. They cannot do anything but surface stuff and get bored – they start craving ‘that feeling.’ They like drama. Adrenalin. My first ex said it perfectly – he was in love with love.

They cannot really love anyone.

My stbx’s OW went for his money. He is quite a bit in debt looking at financial papers for court. Went out and bought new camper and vehicles and Michael Kors and diamond ring…. Stbx told me he was forcing judge to sell our house and he couldn’t wait until the moving van came to get me (he was mad at the amount of support I wanted. Funny thing is – it’s almost the exact amount to court ordered him to pay. Because it was fair. I wasn’t asking for too much. To him I was because it cut into this crazy spending habits to keep his 22 y.o.).

Stbx said he was making the judge sell our house and then he was going to buy a new house and take our child and our dogs from me.

Well, today I have the house. He cannot buy a house because his debt to loan ratio is too high. (And housing prices are through the roof! He can’t afford to buy in that fancy neighborhood they are renting in – no way!!) Our daughter wants nothing to do with him. He has seen the dogs once in two years. One of our old dogs started hyperventilating so bad stbx had to go. The other dog was his darling. Funny, you’d never know it. He never asked about the dogs or asked to see them. Just that one time and that was because he was here with his appraiser. Otherwise, he would have never asked to see the dogs.

Duped: The slippery clam – LOL

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

A family member tells me everyday, “he was in love with her” “didn’t you notice how distant he was, how he wasn’t talking to you and how in love he looked” “you were not doing something she was doing” “why couldn’t YOU do that and make him happy” “she brought more to the table” “who do you think you are a Kardashian? He found better” Yeah, I had to hear all of that about some old financial predator prostitute that went into the workplace/worked with my cheater, wearing her sheer blouses and telling my cheater narcissist everything he wanted to hear to get him to open that money vault…and she was spreading those big hefty legs open to get the money…but yeah, they were so in wuv….And do I feel that I missed out on my own husband? sure I do… Do I feel horrible and like I am a failure and that he never loved me ever? Sure I do…Do I feel great that everyone, I mean everyone always feels it’s the wife’s fault. From what I have learned in dealing with all of this is that the WHORE is the one that WINS. She WINS because she gets more respect, or ALL the respect, SHE gets all the time, money, affection, jewelry, trips and HER GOAL is to not only RUIN your marriage but to DESTROY you financially. OH, PrinceCheating IS not off the hook either. He’s to blame also because he needs to get sexual self gratification – there is always something in it for him. But does he really fall in love with her? Did they sex their way into Love…I struggle with the fact that this whore got ahold of my husband and had the kind of relationship with him that he never offered me. He was hell bent on only keeping his double life going and pleasing the slippery clam that he worked with!

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Number one, I don’t care who that family member is, dump them immediately. They are getting perverse satisfaction through your horrible situation. Second, the only respect the OW & cheater are receiving is from your depraved family member. People, with even a shred of decency would never respect such a couple of cheaters. Oh there are the flying monkeys of course but they’re just a bunch of asswipes, total jokes, even to the narcissists that use them. So they don’t count.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Thank you so much KB22, you are so right! My whole world had crashed down on me, I suffered a loss, simultaneously finding out that the perfect guy I married was not who he appeared to be, I suffered the aftermath, the wrath of his family, the brutality of the reality, I felt like I had died too, I was numb and then to hear the comments, I thought I would never survive or recover…I struggle everyday with the fact that some HO had ahold of my husband, while my life was in limbo, while I was being duped and disrespected and there was not one shred of regard for me whatsoever…it was so isolating. I will still never wrap my head around how my husband could conduct a double life, I suppose it was pretty easy for him to do since his job involved a lot of travelling; he had so many opportunities, but this one slut that he worked with; she obviously was the main HO. I feel stunned and there is not a day goes by I don’t think of this. Even though I was a very happy, and positive thinking person before I found out/figured out so much! Yes, KB22 , there are sooo many red flags ! He would play like word games/ riddles with me (even before he met the HO) which I now know were to keep me off balance and tell me something without actually giving me an answer…eg, At what time will you get there? Answer: When I arrive. UGHHHH. I got tired of the riddles to the point where I did not ask anymore…further enabling him not having to answer questions or revealing anything! I bet he did not do that to his big whore because I don’t think she would have put up with it and I think he had to impress her so much he would never act that way.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped, this : “At what time will you get there? Answer: When I arrive.”

My cheater’s typical response made sometimes half jokingly and sometimes in rage, both meant to shut me up so I would not continue pressing. Always with a connotation “you are not the boss of me.”

This site has been my savior, Duped, it will be yours too.

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Oh my goodness, my stbx was so paranoid that no one be the boss of him that one day I told him to come sit down for dinner. His response: “You’re not the boss of me!”

Yes, the use of rage to manipulate. Creeps

It’s been two years since cheater left to move with 22 y.o. Our daughter is still hurt and trying to figure things out. He told her he left us because I became mean and no longer gave him affection. She never saw this herself because he told her it happened behind closed doors. At the same time she said that we always got along and it seemed like we’d be together for forever. She told me last night that her dad meant everything to her and then he just left and lied about his affair, lied about the baby, etc. I just let her vent. Watching her come to the realization that her dad is an asshole really sucks.

It’s so ironic – they can dish out the anger and rage, but if someone does it to them that’s the end of you!

I told her I did get angry when I found out he’d been lying to me and telling me I was insecure and mean that I didn’t like him out all night “taking pictures” –

Being out all night Saturday night was his hobby to help him unwind from hard work. He can’t take pictures during the day – the sun hurts his eyes.

I didn’t say it to her, but if I suddenly became not myself, why didn’t he try and get help for me? What? He didn’t try to get counseling or ask me to go to the doctor – he just abandoned us? Imagine that.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Just sending you a hug!!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Tell that family member who keeps saying that stupid shit to you : “Fuck off, you don’t know my life or the fact I buried a monster”!!!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

My narcissist ass told me after 20 years of marriage, “I want something different.” He forgot to mention he had already found his “something different.”
Cheater told friends and neighbors he wanted someone who he had more in common. These friends and neighbors sympathized with X and told me I should be more understanding and get on with my life. Cheater has gone on with his Brit…,

I no longer speak to these same friends and neighbors.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit
they already have supply lined up in the pipeline…she is never someone new…they just wait to drop the bomb after they have been screwing and plotting…two evil people. I really hope there is such a thing as Karma. Can you imagine thinking that a married man is your man, that they don’t want to seek their own man. Why, because they are after money..they will do anything for money.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped, looking back, there were many red flags which I ignored or spackled. I’m sure she wasn’t the only one over the years. They say there are usually more.
There were times cheater came home from a business trip and I’d know something was “off.” I’d have a weird feeling in my gut, it was my intuition telling me something wasn’t right.
One day were in the kitchen after one of his trips when I couldn’t hold back, I asked him if he had been with someone, he chuckled, and said, you know I’m not that kind of guy…, you know me.., do I look like that kind of guy to you? then he went on to tell me I have quite the imagination and should write novels or soap operas. He continued listing more reasons why I asked, including, I need to find a hobby. Maybe he should have considered finding himself a hobby besides fucking other women and lying.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Cheaters always tell their parents, family and friends the typical, “you are not getting along”. He’s been telling them that, slipping it into conversations since he got involved with the AP. This is way before you knew anything was going on. It’s so insidious, and it’s there so that there’s no surprise in case it goes south. I put this together after D Day.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

letitsnow, this is exactly what X did. It explains why his family, friends weren’t particularly surprised when X walked out. Not only weren’t they surprised they were convinced X was justified in leaving.

X’s Mom passed away before he moved out and I mentioned I’d make plane reservations to attend the funeral, X panicked with a weak explanation on why he didn’t want me to attend. It’s clear to me now that his family knew his plans.
It’s disturbing, to think that while he was visiting his dying Mother he was carefully planning his exit, twisting facts, vilifying me while pretending to be the victim.
How could you think of anything so devious while your Mother is dying?

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

I bet he told them all about Mistress potatoHO (give)head (sorry for the vulgarity but the HO clearly is a rotten monster too), that she is his new wuv…I’m sure as a narcissist he had to talk up a good story to keep himself the sparkly image intact, all the while conducting his affair with his big lay, who little did he know is a golddigger and did anything and everything/pulled out all the stops, to act like the perfect partner, by stroking his ego, telling him whatever to get more jewelry and money. She’s not a stupid prostitution whore, she knows the ropes, I am sure it was not her first rodeo. Anyway, my point is, I am sure he badmouthed me to his family and I would go as far as to guess that they even met her. That would explain the anger and them stealing and burglarizing my house while I was taking care of him at the hospital. Yeah, real nice. So my big FUCK you goes out to ALL of them.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Yes, they do love to badmouth the “evil wife”, family members go right along as if they are blind!!

I’ve discovered since joining CN, Cheaters and AP’s use the same playbook-flying monkeys are the same, the entire cheater playbook narrative really isn’t different at all!

Narcs suck, period! They are empty shells taking up oxygen and leaving paths of destruction!!

Stbx favorite flying monkey is his only child from a previous marriage, a daughter, who’s married with 4 children. I now realize, She’s played the pick me dance for years with Narc – very sad to watch. He’s doing the same with his grandchildren-playing favorites, etc! I kept a distance from Stbx’s daughter and her extended family early on, thank god!

Stbx and married AP – they have not nor will they introduce each other to family members etc. unless married AP divorces her husband, and that won’t happen! She has too much money on the line for that.

Stbx is married AP’s dirty secret. The only person stbx discussed AP with is his very mentally unstable sister who lives across country. His daughter believed until just a few months ago that Stbx ended affair after his open heart surgery!

These 2 have major image management going on! More people are aware than they realize.

I hate the suffering you are going through because dead narc’s family is in total image management control!!

I hope you burst the bubble soon!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

You know what, they are still in image management control. The big evil sister’s true colors came out. I think because she is an enabler, she was in full control of my husband and I am sure she knows alllll. she is my cheater’s confidant. And she is like his Siamese twin. So don’t tell me that she is not ‘great friends’ with the HO. I have my suspicions. Simply because of the web of lies my underhanded cheater spun, and it kept him looking sparkly and it was prob to pave the way for his wonderful GAP from the beachhouse brothel…because the beachhouse brothel could be a fun playground for his sparkly greedy family ! Yes, a fun gathering place for his siblings and their families, while HO down girl could throw her big beach parties and they could be one big happy sicko MF family. How wonderful ! And they think I know anything ! They must think I am stupid !! I plan to pretend I am stupid. They still want more possessions and my proverbial F YOU is not answering them….LOL

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Keep the “Fuck you”’s coming – I think your dead monster could be my Stbx evil twin- he may have joined your dead husband had I not been empathetic to him having a heart attack and open heart surgery and let the piece of shit back into home for recovery! Then my nursing skills immediately caught his congestive heart failure symptoms 2 weeks after discharge and made sure he survived all the complications that went on for 4-5 months, praying I would finally get an amicable divorce / nope , almost dying didn’t change one thing – he’s probably more twisted and evil than before his surgery / and I didn’t think that was a possibility! I helped save his fucking life and in return get a scorched earth plan in thanks! That’s proof in itself, these sick, evil predators never ever change!

Hindsight is 20/20 – had I found CN after his heart attack, would have remained NC with the restraining order against him in place and he could have gone to his daughter from previous marriage, home and let her deal with his shit!

But, allowing him back into home provided me time to truly see the depth of his evilness and a preview of what his late years will be like! Not one business associate came to the hospital or the house to see him, not even his assistant of 25 yrs nor her husband came by, his flying monkey daughter came to the hospital when he was in ICU for a few minutes/day and she came to the house 2 times during the 3 months he was house bound – and that was because she was making the 30 minute drive to the area we live in to pick up her maternal grandmother who lives 5 minutes away. Stbx had an apartment he had been living in prior to heart attack – couple of times I almost took him there to recover and let home health nurses make daily visits . Married AP , she didn’t have time in her schedule to care for him – she has an image to maintain and that doesn’t include 24/7 care and not being available for her husband and family! She instead sent flowers to the house with dozens of texts/day with one threatening to come to the house – I actually witnessed the “pick me dance” she did play by play – that in itself made me even more certain that I had to be rid of this shit sooner rather than later! I seriously tried telling Stbx , just give me an amicable divorce, get yourself some serious help and stay far away from married AP, this is not her first rodeo and her husband is complicit in all of this sick shit!
I now believe this was a plan they both concocted from the beginning, a ruse – thinking I was the “stupid, forgiving wife”, while they both would hide and dissipate all marital assets and then, maybe, he would cooperate with divorce!

I can’t get away fast enough from this Cluster fuck! I’m not sure there are enough showers I can take to rid myself of the remaining “filth”!

I don’t want Stbx or any of his daughter or her extended family, any other flying monkeys to know one thing about me after divorce! I’m trying to ensure “no circling back”!! 18 yrs, I’m done and over it!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

seeing clearly,
I was just reading someone else’s responses and she said that when she left her husband was not living at the house, you know what it hit me, while I was off working long hours, and I worked one and half hours from the house (each way) I believe wholeheartedly now that he was living with that GAP on the days he pretended to be off on a work trip. I really think he was living with her. After he died, I realized the comforter was missing and some of his clothes. For sure my wedding gifts were gone. Somebody broke the pull down attic so I could not get up there. His brother had scoured our home for items to steal. He was probably looking for money or at best evidence to hide. My cheater was very very smart, top of his class. He was highly accomplished. He would never have any evidence at the house. On the home computer I found all the pics of me of our trips, a lot of pics of him on trips Who was the photographer? In his camera he had erased pics, reason I know there were pics from 2012 of our last trip together, of me. What happened to the rest of the pic going forward to present years. I really was a fool. I took care of him also as he lay dying. It was bizarre. After I found out everything I wondered why SlamPig was not here, she should have come in like she wanted to to take care of her asshole instead of me being nice to him and treating him with respect while he disrespected me all these years. She was also the one that wrote on his obituary on the internet. She wrote that he was a good man. The nerve of that slut writing anonymously on his obituary guest book, and letting me know he was a good man. Why because you had your lay for all these years you immoral bitch? Nasty HO. He had some nerve stooping that low. They thought they had everyone at work fooled. He even told me that they no longer have company Christmas parties and I believed it ! He was trying to protect that lowdown HO’s reputation. He did not want anyone to know she was screwing his ass off for money. That nasty pig. Most women will scratch a pig’s eyes out..but these Narc’s are so good at lying and deceit that you don’t even get that opportunity to find out about it, you can be duped so easily, and they both think that you (the wife) are soooo stupid…they were both probably laughing, the jealous bitch. I know what that big ugly thing looks like. And I see her on youtube telling the men, call me, or email me and I will help you with ‘your process” yeah she’ll help the men with their process alright. …she puts on this big high pitched voice like she’s a kid and the old hag is 52 years old. I’m sure she got some great gifts when she turned 50. When is that whore’s Karma going to come?

soveryshocked
soveryshocked
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Stay away from that family member @duped that’s ridiculous stuff to say. Anyone who talks about the cheating pair positively is missing a basic empathy component and has no moral compass. Or is pathetically under the influence of the narcissist’s sparkly impression mgmt. The other day I had dinner with neighbours and the husband kept saying things that made it sound like he thought I should forgive the cheating and make it work. Now I think he must be a cheater or wishes he was. I ignored it.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  soveryshocked

Fuck that family member.

What an asshole.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Jodi lynch
Just sent same comment to Duped – tell the family member to :”Fuck off”!!!

Good God!! The dead piece of shit was a monster!!

Lioness
Lioness
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

ok guys, here goes… my own mother told me that if I was good enough he wouldn’t have to go looking elsewhere….
No matter what the fucktard told anyone it never bothered me but this somehow hit me real hard. If my own mother whom I have always been very close to could make such a statement, what is left for anyone else.
Which husband puts his wife in a wheelchair, then leaves for his whore????

I just feel angry today. Hugs to all. It does get better.

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Lioness

“If you were good enough, he wouldn’t have to go looking elsewhere.” Something stupid she heard and passed on without processing. So you process until you can answer, “I was good enough, mom. I was more than good enough. He’s the asshole always out looking for his lost piece of ass. And what you said was both crude and cruel. Lets talk again when you get that.” And don’t talk to her again until she does.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

duped, I hope you can get far away from any family member who would tell you such horrible, untrue things. That is cruel!

And don’t worry, your ex hasn’t changed. The whore won herself a lying, cheating turd. You deserve far better than that! If she’s getting the kind of relationship you wanted with him, you can be sure it won’t last.

Not everybody blames the Chump. At least here at Chump Nation we know the truth, and I see little glimmers of that truth creeping into the general culture, as well.

SevenOfCups
SevenOfCups
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

Sorry Mjo, I’ve been there too. My cheater XH told me to my face ” I want a new wife and new children.” As if I had somehow failed him in 17 years of marriage AND the four children I gave birth to somehow failed him too. It was during the time when I was begging him to go to therapy with me so we could save our family and I have to say it took the wind out of me for a long time.

Then one day I was talking to my best friend from law school who is now a public defender. He said “I deal with some awful people in my job but that statement is the most narcissistic thing I have ever heard in my life.” Just having someone I trust and respect say that to me was enough to bring me out of the “something is wrong with me” haze.

Trust that he sucks and that he will continue to suck. Nothing is wrong with you other than having an unfortunate connection to a disordered jackass.

42enough
42enough
6 years ago
Reply to  SevenOfCups

Mine said (after 40 years together) he didn’t want to be married anymore. Wanted to experience single life since we got married and had our oldest son right after high school. 3 more children and a shared business followed in the next 10 years. He also said he never wanted the last 3 children. News to me!!!!!! That was the most hateful thing he ever said and I’ll never forgive that rebate. Truth was, he’d already been sneaking around with the whore for several months. I moved out a few months later and while our home was up for sale, he pretended to live there. I found out he had actually been living with her basically after I moved out. So, our big 4 bedroom house sat empty for the year and a half it took us to sell it while we paid a 2nd mortgage on my new house. Talk about a narcissist liar. I think mine really takes the prize. Trust that he sucks big time.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  42enough

42 enough,
Yes, they do suck!! I’m so sorry you had to hear that piece of shit say – he didn’t want your children – wtf – I don’t even know what comforting words to say!!

I’m dealing with Narc fuck selling marital home, just another nightmare !!!

These sick freaks manipulate and control throughout the entire divorce process!! It just never ends!!

42enough
42enough
6 years ago
Reply to  42enough

Remark not rebate. Curse you spellcheck!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  SevenOfCups

My mind would have said, “Oh, yeah? And I want a human being for a husband, backatcha, Douche!”

GracieD
GracieD
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I just wanted a grown up for a husband 🙁

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  SevenOfCups

I can’t believe he said that about the kids. It’s horrible enough he said it about you. My ex made it clear that he thought he could do better with Schmoopie but he had done his best to not discard the kids in the same way (although his spending time with Schmoopie’s four kids does give DD pause). Most of the time I know that is a good thing because I care about the kids and I don’t want them to feel discarded too, but sometimes it does make me feel a bit lonely in my discard.

Of course the kids are still imperfect and its still my fault.

silverqueen
silverqueen
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

Maybe she gives good blow jobs, afterall she’s practiced. This isn’t about us chumps it’s about their insatiable need for strange!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

Let me reframe that. She’s better suited for him because they are on the same moral level, because neither of them care about whom they hurt, because neither of them are honest or trustworthy. My narcissist mother firmly believed that “water seeks its own level.” At some point, disordered people can’t maintain the mask for you and then the move on, one way or the other.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Lovedajackass
I just noticed that I missed an important part of your comment – “your Narcissist mother” – I commented earlier she was wise about her comment “water seeks its own level”, sorry, wasn’t giving kudos to a narc mother / that’s what I get for speed reading!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Haha, reminded me of the adage, “Cream floats to the top.” My mother pointed out, “Yea, but so can shit.”

JeanM
JeanM
6 years ago

CAL, word!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago

Bwahahahaaa, thanks for the coffee splurt!!!!
So true about cheaters and their “awesomeness” for their new supply. It’s all a show, and it never lasts long.
If my exh2 follows the same line as he did with me, I’m sure Mrs. Dumb-Ass is already kicking herself in the ass for marrying him, unless.of course, she is a ten-year-younger version of him, then it’s a great match.
Time will tell, but I can tell you, I know they’re not the picture of Tru wuv either.

expatChump
expatChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

When I’m honest with myself I realize that the skank is better suited to him than I am. We do/did not compliment each other at all.

Chumpiness
Chumpiness
6 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Same here, expatchump. I used to tell him he needed to find someone who would agree with everything he said, because he could not tolerate me having a different thought or opinion. He did it in a way that made me feel wrong somehow, then ugh in hindsight Elinor Roosevelt was right, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

So he did. He found someone to hang on his every word, look at him with goo goo eyes, and agree to all. As my daughter put it “they are creepily alike”.

Good riddance!

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

He’s a cheater, shes’ someone that sleeps with married men, you are not. Your brother is right… they are well suited.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

Agree.

I once told X, “You two are perfect for each other.” He replied, “Thank you.” To which I responded, “You are the only person in the world who would think that was a compliment.”

Mjo, they deserve each other. When his cheating self can no longer handle the ruse, you will be long on your way to meh.

{Hugs}

Egans
Egans
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

Can’t think of two people who deserve each other more!

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago

The thing is, you’re either honest and loyal or you’re not. Once someone’s an adult, you can’t really change that about them. So you can forgive all the lies you want, but none of your forgiveness can change a person’s basic integrity.

It’s kinda like how you can’t “nice” your way out of the “friendzone” because “nice” can’t make someone romantically or sexually attracted to you if the feeling’s just not there. Trying to get loyalty and honesty out of a cheater by putting in more forgiveness and love and work is like giving a pizza place money and hoping they’ll eventually serve you dim sum.

ChumpNOMORE
ChumpNOMORE
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

So very true Traffic_Spiral. Kicking myself for staying in a relationship for 10 years, trying to make things work when all the signs were blaring at me years ago to RUN. Hoping to find that dim sum one day, but for now, I’m so absolutely fine with being alone. Never ever will I “settle” for relationship convenience. So thank you for summing things up so very well.

SuperChumped
SuperChumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

This is so true and I have to remind myself of this every day. I tried going no contact but he is still living in the same house for a month. Everyday he whines and pleads without me responding and I have to tell myself that everything he says is a lie. He lacks integrity and even when I ask “what if” he gets better? I am always rebuttal with, but wait what if he doesn’t…

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

So true!!! Thanks for summing it up so clearly, Traffic_Spiral

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Bingo!!!

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Traffic_Spiral,
I. Love. This. Succinctly, beautifully said.
Ah, sweet clarity!
Thank you!

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

This.

All of it.

I finally accepted that. I’m on the path to ‘meh’. Hey, it’s Tuesday tomorrow.

Maybe it’s my Tuesday.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Jodi,
I hope your Tuesday is tomorrow- on a Tuesday!!!!

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Fingers crossed for you.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
6 years ago

I, too, bought into this. I kept on thinking of my “investment”. Well, investment has a chance to actually result in some good. What I had was sunk cost, a cost that was already incurred AND cannot be recovered. Forget all those years with a cheater. Be glad that’s behind you.

I am almost five years divorced from the serial cheater after staying more than two decades. He married the OW after trying to reconcile AFTER the divorce, and while living with her. Guess what? I got a long email from OWIFE a couple of months ago. I won’t go into the details but she wants to somehow talk to me, prodding me all her contact info. I ignored the email. Subsequently, someone told me the ex is traveling for a few months by himself. That can’t be too happy of a marriage.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

You should have sent her a wedding gift like “Do It Yourself STD Kit.” Able to do it in the privacy of your own home. No gift is too much for that couple in twu luv!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

NMSB
Omg, that is hilarious- do it yourself STD kit!!

The gift that keeps on giving!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Sent her a potato parcel. Potatoparcel.com in the mail. That will fix the PotatHO You can put a message on it…anonymously

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Potatoeparcel.com – I have tears now from laughing so hard!!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

Seeing Clearly
Did you go to the potato parcel website? Classic
I hope somebody sends out their potato parcels to the PotatHO’s.. It’s the ultimate revenge….I could actually write the messages for them. I have so many rhymes and ideas. It was kind of like comic relief for myself…I made myself laugh !!! Just picture it….the HO goes to get her mail and this big heavy potato is in the box with a very personal message….It’s like a big turd in a box. No more gravy on your smashed potatHO

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

^send not sent

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Uniquelyme

The gall of this skank, first for being the OW and then expecting a response after he’s dust in the wind YEARS later.

Meh suits you UM.

And Saturday slunt Nanthony was driving by my house. I’m guessing the Limited told her he was with my son. We passed her in his car. I didn’t say a word.

They don’t change. I might have spackled but she knew exactly what she was getting.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Thanks, Doingme. Gross that Nanthony drove by your house. The only way I would recognize the OWife is if she’s with the ex. I saw her picture one time when I discovered her existence and I have completely forgotten what she looks like. Meh rocks.

To all, you will get to Meh. I promise.

I learned of a karma story today. An acquaintance (brother-in-law of a close friend) left his wife for a married OW 12 years ago. They both left their spouses and “lived happily ever after”. Not really. I just found out that OWife is cheating on him with yet another married man, and threw him out. The wheels on the karma bus go round and round …

Karma may not come right away but it eventually it does.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Another Karma story. I know someone who cheated with her married boss. He left his wife for her but never divorced. Everyone thinks he’s divorced, but I know the truth. They have been together for 8 years having a blast…living at his lake home. I had no idea that there was an extra lot next to it at they owned. Wife is having a new home built right next to schmoopie and husband on this lot because she has been diagnosed with early stage dementia (very sad.) But her husband and schmoopie now have to take care of her. His kids are watching him.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Uniquelyme,
Thank you for reminding “the wheels of the karma bus go round’n’round!!

I think that is my greatest satisfaction- knowing Stbx and the remaining years he has left, in his sick, twisted life will be Groundhog day after day, year after year!

KeepItMoving
KeepItMoving
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

I suspect something like this is on my horizon. I recently saw the ex and OW and felt a confrontation imminent. She was acting completely agitated and crazy like she wanted to have it out with me. It’s been 2 yrs and I don’t really care to speak to her any longer. It just doesn’t serve me at this point. My best friend said that if she tried to approach me I should say: “If I were you, I’d be nicer to me because when you go through your divorce, I know you’re going to me emailing me asking for answers. There’s a LOT that you do not know!”

I, too, expect the OW email…

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepItMoving

KeepItMoving
I seriously doubt if I ever receive email from OW, Stbx OW is married- her excuse to Stbx is – arraigned marriage- and told him she will never divorce her husband- who has knowledge and is complicit with married AP’s affairs – very sick “triangle “- Stbx is involved in. Married AP and her husband- just as sick or even more so, than Stbx. I used to think it was impossible that there was anyone, unless a serial killer, that could be more twisted than Stbx. The unmasking over past year with Stbx and the recent FOO “skeletons in the closet” that were divulged- I don’t think there are enough showers that I can take to ride myself of the “filth”!
I’m trying to put into place everything I can to ensure Stbx and his flying monkeys, FOO sick freaks, especially his only child from previous marriage, daughter and her extended family, can never find out anything about me! I almost think I need to take the “witness protection “ methods into play!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

Seeing Clearly,
Your Stbx and my dead husband were in a close race to the finish line of who gets the academy award for the biggest Narcissists that ever lived. Big WHORISH one that he was screwing and draping in jewels never had a man all these years, you mean to tell me she was able to buy a half million dollar home with a two year old at the time? and no man? OH, that’s right my husband was her secret man…and his big doofus flying monkey friend was in the Whore’s corner because she realized his friend was a simpleton and I figured out that this flying monkey, this lackey, was watching my house to see my comings and goings, so that he can report back to desperate HOworker whether my husband was home with me, or whatever, and then lackey announced to me when I came and left (told me the day he passed away) it was easy to deduce that insecure, desperate clingly HO did not want my husband having sex with me. That would be sloppy seconds. Or in her case, probably sloppy thirds, because he was I am sure cheating on her too.. Why wouldn’t he..he traveled all over the place for work, and the BIG HO could not be on ALL his trips could she?
Oh, yeah, probably because the big whore had a job where she was free (‘entrepreneur’) whereas I actually worked long hard hours…

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
You might find some humor in this – the fucked up mind of Narc cheater and married AP – this was a google search Stbx did that I discovered ;

“How to tell if married mistress is sleeping with her husband “!

2 married people fucking each other and anyone else and both thinking they are each other’s “one and only twu love and soulmates “!!

One day – will post copies of texts – emails I have – between 2 narcs – trust me when I say the day to day existence between them is one, giant, mind fuck!
Just imagine 2 narcs policing each other – right hand doesn’t know what left hand is doing!!

I find great comfort that they are both living in a life of constant uncertainty!!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

Seeing clearly
Grrrreat ! How about when mis PRO HO was outside my house in her car trying to get to her lay cheater that was here sick but probably did not tell her he was busy dying at the house (that sounds bad because I did love him but not anymore after I found out everything) and she had to make a patrol over to the house…she probably needed to be laid. Anyway, my bro in law cellphone rang and then just in case I had looked out the window, he had his big liar story about how it was someone from California looking for his cousin, yeah right. Mind you, I still was in the dark at this time, but operation dark secret with the special taskforce (his family) was still underway….and there was an elephant in the room. Well, she was sitting outside, I am sure that Big Gap was so angry when she saw my vehicle in my driveway. Go figure. His wife was actually at her residence !! DUH ! So I guess whatever that bitch had in her head that she had not heard from him or whatever, her crazy ass drove over from her brothel to see my husband. Did she think he left her? oh Poor Schmoopie ! Awww my heart bleeds for you…
Yeah two ass wipes that are checking up on each other. She was definitely making sure that his tool was not being used on anyone but her ! The twisted wench….

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

seeing clearly
Oh I got a good one for you….google search on how to cure snoring !!! I guess THE grand canyon aka the gap, could not tolerate the snoring after my husband laid her. Oh, poor poor schmoopie. She needed her beauty rest after her lays, and the snoring was just intolerable !!! LOL LOL LOL That’s what she gets for trying to get sloppy seconds….
Oh that’s right her brothel has more than ONE bedroom so she should have been fine with it !!!!!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Omg, that is hilarious- I did let out a huge laugh!!

Fuck her, fuck the evil family that’s still in image management and fuck the dead monster!!!

I’m so glad you found CN – for me, just 2 months ago, but this site has been a miracle worker!! I’m so glad you can let it all out!!! Fuck thread – full of wisdom and great comic relief!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

seeing clearly
glad you are on here tonight… you get my post in real time. Yeah, I think god leads you to where you need to be…and what you need to find…signs are sent out somehow. Just like the red flags I ignored. I could not fathom that anyone would lead a life like that , let alone do it to me. I guess I thought as a wife I should be honored and treated right. He was great in so many other ways, but now in hindsight was it all a fraud? I am still so confused. It’s very sad. I know I feel the fuck off to them vibe. This is what the aftermath in a narcissists wake looks like. I am the one that gets to suffer. While the HO makes out free and clear. Nobody knows she’s a HO! She can still waltzed into that great job in her suit and heels and look like a great woman. It makes me sick !!!!!
But I am glad I was lead here;….It ‘s great to know there are great people out there and we can all share our stories and give each other support. Some of these ladies are funny…They have some great insight and great names for these monsters !!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

CN will be your life-line , just as it has been for me since I found it 2 months ago!!

I’m so glad you found it also!!!

Struggling (but doing a lot better)
Struggling (but doing a lot better)
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Ah, sounds like your karma bus came. Also sounds like you don’t give a shit anymore, which is exactly what CL says happens. But those of us not quite at meh love reading these karma stories

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
6 years ago

I completely don’t care anymore. All that belongs to a past life.

sayonara sad sausage
sayonara sad sausage
6 years ago

Omg yes the karma stories are like a Christmas present ????

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

yes we need them a lot. Wish that I didn’t but I do

Maybell
Maybell
6 years ago

Nice to hear from you, lady, you’ve been missed

Marci
Marci
6 years ago

I have a karma story that made my day.

OW blogs about their “life” if one can call living in a shabby rental, with three kids under 5, collecting benefits, any sort of a life. Her comment for January? “Shitbag lost his job today. I’m going to let him sit home with the kids while I go out and work for cash”.

I can just not understand how I ever let that guy in the house. He was the project boyfriend of all time.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

*providing me all her contact info. Grrr, auto-correct.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Prodding seems more apt. She desperately wants a response. Good for you for not engaging with a skank.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

There was a recent letter circulating around the Internet from a man who invested in a security system that caught his wife on video entertaining her lover- complete with “his” car liscence plate ID’d.

I hope you’ve seen it and use it for humorous reference material in your reply to OWIFE’s email. It was hilarious because the authoring husband used the current day dialect when addressing the OM. “G-man” and such.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

You can get so wrapped up in semantics with cheaters, the whole I love with you but I’m not in love with you thing is only the beginning.

I like to reframe. I like to think two cheaters together is a wonderful thing! To me nothing would be most worth a toast and giant smile than Narkles the Clown and the Flying Whore ending up together. It saddens me to know her husband is still standing in the way of their twu wuv. So let me get back on track. I believe with every fiber of my being that Narkles the Clown is better for the Flying Whore. They deserve each other.

Now let me tell you he will never be better to her. He will never treat her better than he did me. He will devalue her and tell her how flawed she is. He will lose his self control if she doesn’t fawn over all that he does. And if any of this brings her to tears, then he will rage at her until she learns to stop crying or showing any emotion other than happiness and joy. He will continue to find temporary happiness in sex and money. If both those things are not around then he will continue to be sad and angry….all the time.

I admit it’s pretty easy for me to see this from the other side. I put my energy into getting away from him and fixing me. I highly recommend investing in both those things. Get away from the disorder. Go No Contact, the path to the truth and the light. Then fix you. Figure out what got you into that relationship, what made you commit to it and what made you stay. Then fix that. Never do it again. Eventually you will see that your cheater will never be better to anyone. That’s who they are. It won’t change.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Alloutofkibble!
Amen! Even though I’m in the beginning of never ending divorce – all I can think about is the day I’m free and can just use my energy on myself!

Fix me is my priority- get rid of the ptsd effects- I know it will take awhile and i know there is still some pain and heartbreak ahead, but I don’t ever want to attract another Narc again – more importantly, want to ensure I pay attention to the red flags I noticed early on, but thought it was still the haze of grief from late husband’s death and I didn’t RUN immediately! My gut was right, just ignored it for the wrong reason!!

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

Seems to me the one most important thing to avoid getting entangled with another narcissist when you ARE ready to live again is: Avoid discussing your traumas from childhood up through the ex with any new love interest. Because narcissists know that if bad things have scarred you, you’re more likely to take pain a while, or forever, in exchange for occasional kibbles. Give your trauma experiences to a therapist, or at least a kindred spirit like those of us in CN, but go forth and be a winner. Like does attract like.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

all out of kibble,
I love what you said, I wish I was there. I still can’t get it out of my mind that those two cheaters were living the life. He was giving her the lifestyle. She was giving it up and stroking his ego and studied him and knew exactly what she needed to do to get his wallet. They were getting over on me. I don’t think she minded putting out for him, she thought she was in love with him I am sure. He looked great, etc etc etc and she had nobody so her ego was stroked also. All women want a great guy. Everyone thought and still thinks he was a great guy. He hid the part about his big secret wuv affair. So nobody knows the real true self. The mask was never revealed to the public. And after he died his family treated me like shit because they to the bitter end, wanted to keep that mask on him; keep him looking like a great guy to the public. They were all enraged that he died and that his mask might slip. They watched me like hawk at the gathering after the funeral. They were so afraid I might say something to his coworkers. ONe of the lackeys was patrolling in and out pacing/agitated…awaiting HO’s arrival? But HO didn’t have the gall to walk in there…it was such a BIG secret. I must have been the only dummy that didn’t know…WOW this was so surreal, hardly believable, traumatic…I feel like I DONT really know who he was at all…creepy

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I’m glad you found support here. Do you have some friends or family you can trust & get some emotional support from?
Hang in there! You’ll be in a better place soon. He, on the other hand, will never be.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Nyra

Yes, I am pretty strong. I do have emotional support…had to let go of some people too. Cleared the slate.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
I was also married to a “great guy.”
I cleared the slate of all the “great guy” supporters.
I was left with two genuine friends that live near me. Fuck the others including my brother and other family members. They no longer exist to me now.

Glad you have emotional support and are rid of the garbage friends. It’s actually feels good to get rid of the trash.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit,
part of the devastation to all of us at the hands of a narcissist, I’ve discovered, is that nobody could imagine or believe that what you have gone through could even be possible because they don’t know this guy like you do and by all outward appearances they could never believe because the mask is on.
and I have to say, there is no guy out there that exists, a guy that is charming, gorgeous, intelligent, successful, funny,does the dishes and housework, you name it…a dream come true. That’s what the allure was for the HO..she never has nor ever will be treated by a ‘true gentleman” ever in her life…and nobody will ever spend money on her like he definitely did. So I hope she suffers
And I have def. cleared the slate

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
Yes, the monster behind the mask!! In my case, Stbx doesn’t have any local friends and few business associates he is on friendly basis with – his clients – they believe he’s amazing-but they only are involved with him for maybe 2 months and then gone.

rockstarwife
rockstarwife
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

‘Part of the devastation to all of us at the hands of a narcissist, I’ve discovered, is that nobody could imagine or believe that what you have gone through could even be possible because they don’t know this guy like you do and by all outward appearances they could never believe because the mask is on.’

THIS.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Good to hear!

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I’m copying this down, too, and going to read it again and again. In the past month or so, I’ve had little hints here and there that douchebag ex isn’t doing so hot. And I don’t envy the whore at all for having to put up with the empty, gaping hole where his soul should be. It was literally exhausting to deal with. No wonder I was tired and sick all the time!

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Twiceachump
Narcs and their FOO issues, they love to use that !
Stbx – used his horrible FOO issues to play the “ rescue the poor, sad little boy”. Many people have significant FOO issues, and suffered horrific childhood sexual abuse, however, that fact doesn’t give someone the excuse to become a narcissistic sociopath to be used as an excuse for their despicable actions!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Excellent response, AllOutofKibble!!!
You nailed it right on the head!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Chiming in on loving this post. It makes me think of how much I appreciate niceness now and it is stuff that should probably be just expected. This weekend, I was needing to email something on my phone and couldn’t find the attachment symbol that is on my computer and one of the other mom’s at the sporting event I was at couldn’t either so she asked one of the dad’s who very patiently showed me how to do what I needed and after I am still marveling at how he patiently, without demeaning me or getting frustrated showed me how to do what I needed. A very normal thing yet I am surprised. I may be wrong, but I feel like this proves that fuckwit really was an emotionally abusive jerk when I am continually met with stunned relief when a man helps me.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

hmm. My ex would have been that kind helpful man too, for any other woman.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

lol, I could totally see that!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit,
I call these nice men, “Sear’s Catalogue Men”, and I say that, that page was ripped out of my catalogue when I was looking.
Your post reminded me of this.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Oh my goodness your comment took me down memory lane! As a child, I would pick a husband and furnishings for our house out of the Sears catalog! Hahaha

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
6 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

‘Sear’s Catalog Man’ love it!! Curly Chump…too funny !

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Never do it again. This is a needed 2 x 4. What made me stay? Children.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I, too, stayed for my son who was 3 at D-day #1… not so much because I believed in an “intact” family after that, but more because I couldn’t bear the idea of only seeing him 50/50 through his childhood. We made it to his 9th birthday when Dad blew up the family for an OW. For me, that has been the greater shit sandwich… shared custody with a cheater.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago

Exactly this-
“I, too, stayed for my son who was 3 at D-day #1… not so much because I believed in an “intact” family after that, but more because I couldn’t bear the idea of only seeing him 50/50 through his childhood”

My son was actually 4 at Dday. He was our miracle baby and I just couldn’t fathom the thought of losing out on half of his life because of a porn/hooker addicted, cheating asshole. Although it became increasingly clear after a while that staying with cheater was not an option. He was not worth losing my health or mind. I made the decision to leave & knew that in California, I would have to split custody 50/50 which really sucked. Ironically enough, cheater died before divorce was done. My friends tell me that I am lucky since now I don’t have to share custody or co-parent with a fuckwit. But I am left with my precious son who is mourning his shitty dad………ugh

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago

Shared custody w/a cheater narc sucks big-time. But at least now your child lives half his time in a secure, healthy and happy home.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago

same.

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I just had to write this down… *homework*

Figure out what got you into that relationship, what made you commit to it and what made you stay. Then fix that. Never do it again. Eventually you will see that your cheater will never be better to anyone. That’s who they are. It won’t change.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

Meh twain
JeepTess posted a link to a site on Forum:General:Senior Chump thread.

One column, Remembering our Roots: Joyce Brown’s Influence on the Pathological Love Relationship Recovery Process is a must read.

The Attraction Cocktail Part 1&2- was an epiphany for me – it really explained how “our” healthy traits attract Narcissist’s and the slow, deliberate process they use to use those positive traits against their “target”!
The Attraction Cocktail explains in detail a “glimpse into the mind of Narcissistic Sociopath’s!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/remembering_our_roots

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

Oh, dear. Back to the re-thinking it phase. Because I was strong, healthy and positive, but I did allude to FOO problems, past. So which was responsible for my attracting my FW narc? Aargh!

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

I have been working on me. One good book is “Safe People” by Townsend. Helps identify traits in you and others.

Yea. There were red flags all along.

Love ya CN!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  meh.twain

I was going to copy that separately, too. It’s brilliant and succinct.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AllOutofKibble,
YOU are a bright shinning light of CN!
I am so happy you are always there for new Chumps!
Priceless, YOU are priceless!

Struggling (but doing a lot better)
Struggling (but doing a lot better)
6 years ago

LOVE the cartoon. I can’t help but wonder if he learned anything from me and is now doing better for her. I had a birthday issue with him. Nearly every single one of my adult birthdays sucked. I just couldn’t get through to him that I wanted him to make a fuss and do something special. Year after year, I would anticipate that this will be the year he gets a sitter and takes me out, or gets me a nice gift, or gets me a cake and sings me happy birthday with our kids, or something. And every year he would do either nothing at all, or something really lame like stop at the grocery store for crappy flowers and call it a day. One year I cried and cried and said “This is just something I have to accept about you, you suck at birthdays”. I got the usual Blank Stare. When he told me he was having an affair and was thinking of leaving, he gave me the big laundry list of all the ways in which I had failed him. (Things like I didn’t make him tea.) Somewhere during that time, I again brought up the birthday issue. I have wondered if some part of him heard me and he is now going all out for her birthday every year.

I guess I’m closer to meh than I was the first time this column ran. Because I just don’t care. He was a shitty husband to me. For nineteen years. If there’s some scenario where he’s being a good husband to her, so what? All that matters is I don’t have to put up with his shittiness for the rest of my life. “It’s galling and depressing beyond words to consider the wasted time and energy spent on a bad relationship” boy is it ever. But hey, I’ve got the whole rest of my life to enjoy

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago

OMG the fucking BIRTHDAY problem!!
The major reason I broke things off with my bf (post divorce of cheater) was because he totally sucked at my birthday/Valentine’s Day. I don’t ask for much (ever) except I want to have my special day, just once a year. Just be nice to me and agree that I get to be “right” about everything that one day. Ask me where I’d like to have dinner (I’ll surprise you, it’s cheap!) and please just act like you’re happy I’m in your life. That’s all . But NOPE … bf used it to discipline me for some imagined slights. I realized I am worth having a nice day just for me, once a year.
I gladly do things for others but if it is not reciprocal then bug off. It means they are selfish and insecure. I broke things off one week before “my” day because I just knew… it would be total shit.

They do not want you to feel special.

GrandmaChump
GrandmaChump
2 months ago
Reply to  Born Free

The FW is celebrating HER birthday either because she asked him not to make a big deal or it (some of us don’t like birthdays), or because he knows you’ll hear about the big whoop-de-do and get off on still putting it to you. He’d be so thrilled at confirmation that he can still hurt you! Don’t give him that!

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Good for you, Born Free! Yup. If he doesn’t treat you well on your birthday or Valentine’s Day, dump him.

Den67
Den67
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Born Free you just saved yourself years of much grief and aggravation. I spent 30 years with an a hole who spoiled all our holidays and couldn’t even be decent to me on my birthday/anniversary. One day to celebrate both and he never failed to disappoint. Now on fb he is celebrating her birthday, buying her jewelry and taking her on trips. You pay attention to how they treat you from the start. I am so glad you dumped his ass. I hope I am smart and brave like you the next time around.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago

About the not making him tea. I can assure you that had you made him tea brewed to perfection and served it to him by rolling out the red carpet, every day during your entire marriage, he would have found something else to criticize you for. He would have complained that you sucked at some other mundane or stupid thing, like you didn’t flush his toilet for him after he went to the bathroom, or folded his laundry in the exact way his highness would have liked. The goal was to point out something irrelevant that you didn’t do for him, whatever it was, to blame shift and let you know what a horrible person you were. These people are mentally nuts!

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
6 years ago

The tea comment reminds me of my ex. One of his reasons the OW was “better” than me was that “once she brought him an apple and a coffee.” I only worked full time while raising our preschooler with zero help, earned 3 degrees, cooked, cleaned, shopped, maintained our finances, gave him sex, arranged and funded visits to his family abroad, lovingly planned out and bought gifts for special occasions… yet he prefers a 10 year younger waitress from work because she brought him an apple and a coffee once. Smh. Oh, and she dumped him before we were even divorced and now he lives in a dump, no money no gf and I have custody of our beautiful child. ????‍♀️ Karma, asshole.

Cloudcastle
Cloudcastle
5 years ago
Reply to  SolteraOtraVez

Omg. THIS. Oooh I love a good karma story. You deserve so much better!

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
6 years ago
Reply to  SolteraOtraVez

Ah I should mention I did all this while he spent all our money on restaurants, weed and alcohol. God I was such a chump. Never again!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  SolteraOtraVez

At least the skank saved you the cost of 1 coffee and 1 apple. Oh yeah, and she helped you unload a fuckwit.

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
6 years ago

So true. Good riddance to bad rubbish. She really did give me a gift. I love my cheater-free life SO much!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago

Thirteen birthdays with exh2.
Thirteen suck-tastic birthdays with exh2.
Of course, he would get pissed at me if I didn’t give him The Party of the Year for his birthday

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I remember feeling grateful when ex “allowed” me to throw myself a 40th birthday party. I did all of the planning, cooking, cleaning etc. He sort of showed up and drank up the leftover beer (my B-day is St. Patty’s day and everyone brought beer which I don’t drink).

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago

I bought my douchebag the Nascar driving experience..the car and the truck..cost me about 1200.00$ I usually got nothing but a few years ago he broke a week long silent treatment to give me rain guards for my van..for my birthday. Then he went back to not speaking to me.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

And may you follow the example of my good friend, who makes a big fuss on her own birthday with a brunch at a grand local brunch venue. We all pay our own way and have a ball.

JamLady
JamLady
6 years ago

Your “I didn’t make him tea” remark made me LOL!, remembering I used to get the same line about coffee from my exhole. I was a SAHM and he considered making his coffee one of my “domestic responsibilities.” I myself have never had a sip of coffee a day in my life, so I had no inclination to make it. Why would I?! I compromised and cleaned the coffee pot every morning and set it out on the counter for him to set up before he went to bed. All he had to do in the morning was plug it in for it to brew while he showered. I thought it was a fair compromise. He apparently did not, as that was near the top of his laundry list of my faults he presented to the marriage counselor.

Thanks for the laugh! It’s nice to be able to laugh at the fuckedupness of it all!! I’m not 100% at ‘meh’ but getting closer all the time and it is a beautiful thing! ????????

How.Did.I.Get.Here
How.Did.I.Get.Here
5 years ago
Reply to  JamLady

Ah yes…the personal assistant-waitstaff-maid role! Don’t miss that.

His issues with me were that I didn’t clean the coffee pot (he didn’t drink it), didn’t make him waffles, didn’t sweep the back stairs and tended to leave paperwork on the table. Oh, lots more, but those are some highlights. I see now just what a rotten wife I was.

The kicker was 2 weeks before he moved out of the house because I just “couldn’t be the wife he needed me to be” (while he was sleeping with his boss’s wife for 2 weeks and staying overnight at her house at this point), he told me he still wanted me to make dinner for him after he moved out. LOL.

He said his preference would be for me to drive across town to make dinner at his new place, but understood that it might not always be convenient. In that case, I should let him know so he could leave early to stop by my place, eat and go to work.

As wonderful as that sounds, I did not take him up on that offer. Cake is not one of my specialties.

Sooooooo much better on Tuesday : )

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  JamLady

Hey JamLady, you are absolutely right: non-coffee drinkers cannot be expected to make coffee!!

BowTie
BowTie
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

LOL on coffee – One of the things I would do for Mme was get up first and make sure that her Keurig was filled and warmed up and set her mug out for her so that when she got out of bed that she just had to push the button.

She seemed startled when I stopped doing that after I found out about her affair.

And yes – I’m a tea drinker and always made my own.

When she left she took the machine with her – lots more counter space now.

On the subject of “better for someone else” – I’m sure that she turned on the charm, pretended to be Suzie home-maker and a sex goddess. But she can’t sustain that. Of that I’m positive.

She gave up someone who accepted her for who and what she was, who catered to her whims. No clue how her new life is working out for her but as far as I am aware she is still living in her apartment over the liquor store so maybe she’s still pick-me dancing for her guy. They are still an item but that’s all I know.

BT

Goaheadandjump
Goaheadandjump
6 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

Mine use to lie in bed and yell garçon garçon fetch me…..
He thought he was being cute! He still shows up and drinks my coffee. For awhile during the pick me dance I’d deliver it to him in bed (he was sleeping in another room) fool I am! I guess this is what nice gets you.

Happyme
Happyme
6 years ago
Reply to  JamLady

Jamlady, oh my god, the coffee! I not only had to make his coffee, but then pour it, add the sugar & cream and then present it to him every morning. Evening was a moving target to make his perfect drink, but to be sure, it had to be made twenty minutes before he picked it up, so that the ice was melted just so. There are other, less savory daily demands I no longer have to submit to since leaving over five years ago. I’m at meh, certainly, and only make my own coffee now, and life is one thousand percent better. I did worry that the next woman would be treated well, that he would let her sleep in, maybe he wouldn’t yell at her for cooking “So much goddamned gourmet food” or he would actually love her. Nope. No more.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Happyme

Oh yeeeeeaaaaaassssss, Happy me, the sleeping-in part hit with me!!!
Every week, all year round, I had to get myself and DD up and ready for the day after being up half the night with DD.
I practically begged him to just let me fucking sleep in one of the two days on the weekends. Instead, he would do everything but drag me out of bed when he got tired of waiting on me to get up, and wouldn’t do anything for DD until I got up.
My favorite was when he would go downstairs and start slamming cabinet doors and the dishwasher and yelling at DD so I would get up.
Good times.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

THIS^^^^ it was years ago but on HIS sleep in day, I took our then 3 y/0 son to Mcdonalds’ for breakfast and playing in the room of balls. I’d have my coffee and rise from the am, watching my son and knowing his dad got SLEEP, which he needed.

ON MY sleep in days, the DOCTOR took son nowhere but the kitchen where he loaded the dishwasher and banged silverware drawers and eventually picked up our son if he was crying and if DOCTOR (med student then) could finish the chapter or page he was also reading.

I understand multitasking but when the baby cries, you don’t finish the SENTENCE. You put the book down and pick the baby UP.

Secondly, why pretend he’s letting me sleep in? Such passive aggressive shit but I truly think DOCTOR believed HE was “getting a lot done”…

just not letting me sleep.

Years ago, but an interesting thing to recall. Oh yeah, you were insensitive and had double standards – at best. Then you became a selfish sadist narc.

I hope our kids do not take after you – but as you have no contact now for over a year, I guess that chance lessens…

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
6 years ago

“Evening was a moving target to make his perfect drink, but to be sure, it had to be made twenty minutes before he picked it up, so that the ice was melted just so.”
Happyme, …. hilarious.

Mr. Cheaterpants is still with the OW and as far as I know they’re *Queue the music…’Having the Time of Their Lives’

But, for some reason, I know that they aren’t. Because he is who he is and ditto for her. I bet they drive each other insane. But they must act like it’s Twu Luv because they hurt so many people in the process. And they are old now. Neither one of them are one bit cute any more and could never attract anyone with half a brain. Both of them were cheaters from their youth. I did a time line on my XH after the fact and I found out that he had no problem screwing other men’s wives and he had no problem screwing around when he was married. Her XH told me she was the same way. They are so stuck with each other and that’s where the Karma bus showed up. Lol and Meh.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptopia

They are more than likely stuck with one another and have to make it look good to outsiders. Narcs do not age well and two aging narcs together? Karma, pure karma.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago

Sounds familiar! They don’t care about anyone but themselves.

X would get the “flu” often on weekends. He would always insist that I keep the kids quiet so he could rest & not be disturbed.

I got hit really hard with a bug & was so miserable that I went up to one of the kids’ beds to rest. I asked X to take care of the kids because I was too sick to do anything. It was not even 10 minutes later when he disturbs me to inform me that he had the flu too & was going to lay down in another child’s room….Guess who had to go down, feed & supervise the kids.

My suspicion that he was feigning sickness was confirmed a few days later when I returned to work. Eight of my colleagues & I had all missed work with the same symptoms after sharing a lunch pot luck! There was no flu going around.

Unrulychump
Unrulychump
6 years ago

As always, your topics are exactly what I need to remind myself that cheaters suck. I’m just a year past D-day, and 3 and a half months since the divorce. We had a 25 year marriage. It’s taken a LOT of work to realize I am not in any way to blame. This truly all was a crazy train of his own making. He was the person with no integrity. He cheated and lied and had secrets for years.

The blame shifting they do to us chumps is the most horrible part of the whole experience. Thank you CL and Chump Nation. You have truly helped me realign my thinking and place the blame where it needs to truly be. I am working on being mighty to give me the strength to stay minimal contact. I wish we could be No contact, but we have a son together.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Unrulychump

Good for you, Unrulychump! It sounds like you have clarity and are well on your way to a much better, cheater-free life. You sound mighty to me.

Stay strong. You deserve so much better.

Unrulychump
Unrulychump
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Thank you so much. It truly helps to have reminders that we’re not in this alone, and others understand the pain and deception we have gone through.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

Chumpy me thinks, to this day, that if cheater had married OW maybe it would have lasted, mainly because at DDay he said,
“I feel about her how I have never felt about anyone else ever!”

At the time I thought, how could he possibly feel that way? No one could love him like I loved him. Hell, I even gave up my family, for a period of time, to marry him.

CL, CN have taught me this line was just a standard line cheater’s use.
They really are all cut from the same mode.

There are so many Chumps,posting in the forums at this time, who, if they are reading this, I want to send out big hugs to them.
Many are struggling, so bravely, in the early stages of leaving a cheater, gaining a life.
Often they are in a very dangerous place.
I urge any newbies to go to the forums. There you will find the path to the truth and the light.
You are not alone, answers to your questions, love and support, dwell there, 24/7.
It is a very special place. You are welcomed with open arms, understanding hearts, and wisdom beyond measure!

Let go
Let go
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

I know it sounds crass of me to mention Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelly but her wedding ring has engraved “You’re the closest to heaven I’ve ever been”. Wonder what his first wife, and his two daughters, thought of that. The horror of the 5 gazillionth shooting ended that. Still, it must feel like a figurative punch in the face to the first wife to be dismissed like that. When you have beloved people in your family who have been made to feel less than zero you do wonder.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Let go,
I did not know back story of Gifford and Kelly – I do know whenever I’ve seen them interviewed together since the shooting – they appear to have a “restricted affect” – hmmmm

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Uniquelyme
Good for you – for not responding! Karma is a bitch and OW is learning , once a cheat always a cheat!

It’s amazing that “OW” think they are just so very special and cheater is their “true love-soulmate “ bs!

Oh well – 2 narcs hookups- karma!!

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Seeing clearly

I want to tell you ladies that if you really want to drop a bomb on the skanks, send her a potato parcel. It’s an actual potato that gets mailed with a message on it. I cannot tell you the laugh I gave myself just thinking of all the messages that I would send to her….Well, I found the map to her door in cheater’s phone….so that’s when I thought someday I will sent the HO a message. But I am sure that skank moved on by now to the next married man. After all, that’s how she makes her money from screwing married coworker executives

Goaheadandjump
Goaheadandjump
6 years ago
Reply to  duped

Duped,
I love it! What would you write….

Little red riding hood
Little red riding hood
6 years ago

3 yrs out, I was …VALIDATED…he still sucks!!
She is living my old life, not in a good way.
On my 4th year out, one year in full meh, glorious meh.
He still walks around like a shining penny, she looks 10yrs older, sad and frazeled from gaslighting, keeping up with the Jones and dealing with his flying monkey family…
She is living my hopium dream. In my hostage like thinking, I sat up all night crying and spent zombie filled days, thinking she won.
But in reality I came out the winner.

ChumpNOMORE
ChumpNOMORE
6 years ago

Little red riding hood…Soooo funny and TRUE! I’m waiting for the day that the OW (she was married at the time she started an affair with my cheater….WE, however, were engaged) has a complete breakdown, considering what I put up with for several years. She’s going to look like old worn leather in just a short amount of time. His snoring and untreated sleep apnea are going to grind her last nerve. Ha! They both live for boating and sunning. Leather for sure. I am so very happy to be away from that crap. BTW, he’s 19 years her senior….good luck keeping up with that prom dress! Karma bus is coming….

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago

This is my dream that this will happen to me too.

Currently OW is 7 months pregnant. Their “committed” relationship has been going on for 8 months. She has no idea who he is and they’re adding a baby to that? I’m going to grab some popcorn and watch the show ????

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago

I spent 20 years of my life with a serial cheater. A schmoopie 6 years in together when we had a 2 & 4 year old. Another schmoopie when we had a 14 & 16 year old. Two really suspicious secretaries. Strip clubs early on and a lot of porn. I work full time but did 85 % of the child care, home care, and lawn care. And yes I have gained a few pounds over the years.

I have listened about how he has had 3 horrible bosses and others can’t see the wonderfulness of him and promote him. I realized that everything in his life had an expiration date and now I see the idealize, devalue, discard cycle of EVERYTHING around him. He’s not an overt narcissist. But he is Dr. Sparkly, outgoing, friendly, popular fella until he’s done with you. I learned not to get too close to spouses of his new friends, because of the shelf life of that friendship.

He is always the victim and I listened to him for years about this and bolstered his fragile self esteem. He does have FOO issues, it’s true. But really it’s no excuse for his horrible behavior.

I think he truly believes he is the victim in his life saga. His perception is his reality. My work towards MEH is to figure out how I hitched my wagon to this horrible man and didn’t see behind those faux sparkles.

He is sparkling for his young schmoopie right now. In her 20’s and excited that a 50 year old man just purchased a $450K home that’s 5000 square feet, taking them on a trip to Hawaii this summer with my kiddos, going to the nicest restaraunts in town. I’m sure she’s having a blast. Until he’s done with her. And then I hope they both enjoy their victimhood, but they won’t have me to blame. I removed myself from the triangle immediately.

There are times I look at their sparkles and wonder if he’s a better man. But he’s doing all the things I asked for but never received. I got the house, the pets, a chunk of his retirement, the kids >50% of the time, and my self respect. He will be working til he’s 105 years old to pay for all the debt he’s racking up. I’ll be at meh way before then, downsizing, traveling, doing all the things he would never do when we were together.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Twiceachump,
JeepTess posted this link :

Has very good information about the why’s:

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/remembering_our_roots

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

“Everything had an expiration date.” Oh wow, yes.

In 38 years of marriage, knowing him for 40, he went through 14 employers (Plus or minus. There may actually be a few more there, if I cared to really think about it. Which I don’t.). Why? He couldn’t get along with the bosses: “They won’t LISTEN TO ME!” “They don’t APPRECIATE ME!” “They DON’T KNOW HOW TO RUN THEIR BUSINESS!” I could alllllmost set a watch by his timetable: 2-3 years and he’d quit. Or get himself fired because of his attitude. But it was NEVER his fault. Never. So he would leave a job on a whim, with nothing else lined up, immediately dumping me and our two kids into more debt as we had to cover living expenses somehow and had no choice but credit cards. But what was important was his feeling appreciated and treated with his acceptable level of deference.

Hobbies. Cars and nothing but. “Project” vehicles, in various stages of tear down, jamming the garage and the little bit of yard space I’d agree to (Had I not stood up for myself, our entire property would have been covered in projects. After the divorce, I’d discovered he had still been buying project cars but hiding them at a friend’s property.). He would finish nothing. Ever. There was always an excuse for not completing a project, most of the time it was my fault – he had no money (damn house and kids!), he had no time (damn wife, kids, job, house), but would spend almost every weekend “working” in the garage. Besides making dirty clothes and piles of metal chips and stinking up the house with solvents, nothing got done. Every once in a while he’d sell something nearly finished and. . . you guessed it, my fault. He’d moan to people how he’d LOVED that vehicle but had to give it up because he needed the money for the damn wife, kids, house. . .

His attention span is, at most, five years. Relationships, vehicles, projects, jobs. He and OWife celebrated their first wedding anniversary in November. One year down, four to go. . . and he’ll be “miserable” again. Unless he’s playing the odds this time. OWife is 74 to his 65. Maybe he’s counting on her going toes up soonish and he’ll keep all the (her) assets as she has no children or living relatives – he sure hurried into marriage (#3) after declaring to everyone within earshot that he’d NEVER marry her. He’s probably already cultivating a replacement schmoops – the man has never been, nor will he ever be able to be, alone.

He’d better not show up on my doorstep; I doubt he will, but common wisdom says they WILL eventually circle back. I do fear for my daughter though. She may get guilted into caring for “dear old dad.”

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Fuck them. We all have FOO issues. And when we get out into the world, away from our FOO so we can begin to see that other people do things differently, then we begin to rewire our lives accordingly. From pre-birth to college I subsisted on a steady diet of rage and since then have lovingly installed compassion and grace high-up in my internal matrix. My CheaterPrick told me all about his terrible childhood (it really was terrible) but it wasn’t until he took up with a stripper 35 years younger than me (yup) that I realized he intended to keep all his baggage. No interest in rewiring. The disclosure was to get me to feel sorry for him and put up with his shit because, damage. Never again.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  lemonbirch

Lemon birch,
Well said!! Yes, most everyone has FOO issues and do go through the process to stop the cycle and rewrite!

Narcs – FOO issues used only as excuse to blameshift – they truly believe their own bs – actually they could give a fuck of any consequences- because focus is always me, me, and me.

God forbid, a Chump wakes the hell up, unmasks and then tries to divorce their sick ass. Family court is their for them to further manipulate and control the narrative!! Their goal is to wear you down – to say – Fuck it – and walk!!

I’m with wildcat, I used to believe most people are good, decent people. But after unmasking the sick freak I’ve been married to, identifying his flying monkeys who all hide behind their religion, I’m not sure about people anymore! I hate that is an effect on living with a narc – questioning everyone and everything- what is the motive?

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago
Reply to  lemonbirch

I also really like your post lemonbirch. Very well said. I also believe that most of us have been in situations that negatively influenced our young minds, but it is up to us as adults to make good choices. Choices to be good, decent compassionate people or not. I think most of us Chumps initially believed that most people are good, but after living with a narc for 20 years, I’m not sure about that anymore.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  lemonbirch

I loved this post. Thank you.

“He intended to keep his baggage.” This. You’re right. We all have FOO issues. But some of us work with determination and put in years of effort to learn and relearn, grow, and change. But the disordered cling to their dysfunction, swinging from blaming others to denying that there’s anything wrong at all.

Thanks for summing it up so succinctly.

Stay mighty.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

“I learned not to get too close to spouses of his new friends, because of the shelf life of that friendship.”

That hits home. One reoccurring theme in our relationship was I would make friends with a woman and then we would get together as a couples and fuckwit would trash the other couple and tell me basically that I just picked crazy friends. Then as I would distance myself from this friend because of his disapproval, he would rev up his “friendship” with the husband because they had a common sporting interest. This “friendship” was actually fuckwit trying to outshine that person in whatever sport they were doing- fishing, hunting etc.

It reminds me of our dogs. We have an old dog and a puppy and everytime you pay attention to the old dog, the puppy has to come and worm his way into the middle.

P.S. One of those friends has been one of my staunchest supporters through all of this while her husband keeps telling her to be Switzerland like him. Well, he will end up with no friend because fuckwit is nobody’s true friend and I will stay friends with his wife.

Sweetz
Sweetz
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

“everything in his life has an expiration date”. Yes! Looking back over his business practices, owning a home, hobbies, financial investments, adventures, friends, interests ect, I realize that there is nothing…and I mean NOTHING that he considers valuable enough to hold on to or maintain (on his own) for more than a year. Rinse, repeat. His business would have gone circling down the drain years ago if it were not for his adult son being willing to step up to the plate to salvage it…even so, it is just hanging on by a thread. EVERYTHING tossed by the wayside in his pursuit for more strange, excitement, and variety. Why should a marriage be any different? Pffft.

gobsmackedchump
gobsmackedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

This hits home for me too.
My STBX did nothing to maintain any possession – or relationship. Great at acquiring, developing something but not sustaining. Hard to look back and realise that all the maintenance and hard lifting was by me. (Oh the spackling that had to occur for that to happen!!) I did the child care, worked full time, mowed the lawns, renovated while he bought new things if something broke (didn’t do repairs). No such thing as blue jobs or pink jobs in our house – all PINK!!
I wonder what the expiration date will be for skankyho…. no I dont! not my circus!! (Keep repeating this until it gets through chump)

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Sweetz

The DOCTOR has been obsessed with Alaska. That’s lasted even though no one else wanted to live there, again. But we did 4 years there FOR HIM.

Everything else had an expiration date (and Alaska might since I am told DOCTOR looked “like shit in court. He does NOT look well” (per my lawyer.)

He has had more jobs and lived in more places than ANY doctor in his specialty that I know of. Max 3 years in a row at a single job since…1997. Usually less, but that’s the most he did full time at any job and before that we were military so we transferred anyhow.

So actually, come to think of it OMG he became a veterinarian and within 2-3 years he switched to med school. HE started med school when we had an 8 week old baby and I was still in law school.

Once he finished ALL that schooling and training – 8 years, all while married to me and eventually with 3 kids. He got us moving (4 times within one city b/c he wanted to be closer to HIS work but cheaper housing or both). Then to Alaska, then the east coast, then CA and then a new place 4 hurt away in CA and then Alaska again, (just him the first year) and then to the east coast (and 2 jobs there) and then back to CA and then a new place in CA away from home, and now, back to Alaska for him and east coast for me.

I just counted this^^ all out. OMG.

I wish I had a time machine to wake me the fuck up earlier. I feel stupid.

Freer Every Day
Freer Every Day
6 years ago

Just a thought:

Could he be dangerous? Could there be a reason that all if a sudden he needs to relocate far away?

I ask because I have a friend who’s ex is now in prison. He moved them like this as well. she is now researching the news articles in all those areas for missing or raped women.

There is usually a reason when they need to go so far so often.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

And when you lose a cheater, you also lose the stress and lack of support that keeps people turning to food and other negative ways to comfort themselves. So even gaining a few pounds is often about the pain of living with a disordered person who simply can’t do his or her share of an equal partnership.

mila
mila
6 years ago

Your reply made me smile, CL! I was wife no4! He always cheated on every single wife, including me. How do I know? Well, I was curious enough and had contacted two out of my three predecessors. My Tuesday hasn’t arrived yet, but I no longer care if he is in a better relationship or not. After his tattoo, I knew that I don’t want him in my life ever again. And then I saw a video of a birthday party they attended, she was so into him, and he was as always just into himself and his image management, not paying much attention to her. Good riddance, and I really do not care if he is in a better relationship. My job is to make myself live a happy and good life.

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago

Honestly, what my experience was, the cheater did get better – better at lying to me. I think he improved his skills at deception and then following up with the love bombing to keep me on the hook. Their behavior is truly evil and self-centered. I took a long time 2+ years from D-day #1 playing the pick me dance, but when I made the decision to end it, I am never going back. I AM DONE. The latest OW can have all his sparkly bullshit and lies and deception.

I am waiting for the day I can go totally NC, but we are just divorcing now (and we have two kids – who also didn’t deserve this much disfunction). The cheater used me for 20 years, lied and cheated on me, then just tossed me aside. He can go straight to Hell.

CheatersKilljoy
CheatersKilljoy
6 years ago

I’ve been thinking back to my gut intuition when I started dating my ex. At the time he had just finished school, he had just come back from backpacking Europe. The movie/book Into the Wild had just come out and he loved it. He seemed like that guy that could go anywhere and do anything. I was worried he would leave. He was so adaptable. I admired it then. I realize now he still is that guy. My instincts were right and still are right. I never dreamed it would come back to bite me in the ass the way it did.
I spackled it as an admirable quality.
He’s gone through so many jobs, he’s not scared to start over. I had no idea it would apply to his wife and children. His parents passed away years ago and that made him feel like he has no home. I would’ve thought we (our daughters and me) were his anchor/home. I thought he cherished us and what we offered. We were home.

He will do this again. OW is not special. I’m pretty sure he’s cheated on all his partners and he’s had a lot. I think it’s how he ends his relationships. He’s not scared to move on.

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago

Lovedajackass
Your mom – Avery wise woman. Never heard the phrase:
“ water seeks its own level “

Stbx and Married AP – “sewer water level”
Both are gutter rats!!

Portia
Portia
6 years ago

The thing that I learned was not to trust anything anyone tells you when you first meet them. I used to think, “Why would they lie to me?” It didn’t make sense. They lie because you MIGHT be useful, and provide possible kibbles at some time in the future, and Image Management.

I could not believe the number of lies I was told at the beginning of the relationship, without spotting one of them. I must have been addled with love-bombing. Usually I am a good judge of character, but evidently I was swayed by a pheromone in the DNA of Narcissists. Or maybe, temporary insanity??? Whatever it was, I hope I am immune now. I certainly ask questions and believe nothing until proven to be true.

When I was on the marriage police, I discovered my cheaters had a definite pattern. It is remarkable to me that they can do the same thing over and over and over, and seem to have no realization that they are getting older, and less attractive as they stack one abominable act on the other, and how this tower of bad behavior gets shakier and shakier over the years. Sooner or later it has to collapse, and leave them with a pile of crap. All that image management will eventually fall apart from the sheer weight of their devious and despicable ways.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago

Exasshole attacked me and set me up for a DV charge, eventually pulled a gun on me and I got a Protective Order but he never was charged with DV, the bastard was real friendly with the cops. 3 months after he moved in with the OW, he raged out and put his fist through her bedroom door, I know this because she got a PO on him and I read it. The irony is that this piece of shit OW egged exasshole on when he was hurting me, and then she cited my PO when she took out hers. The shitty thing is that even with a witness and a PO, he did not get arrested for DV when he attacked her either.

I found out recently that exasshole had a stroke, in addition to his already existing illnesses – he’s still smoking. So, maybe he’ll die soon. OTH, if only the good die young; his girlfriend can look forward to being his nursemaid for a long time.

Trust that they suck, that turd is not going to change into gold for anybody.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

Ex narc walked out after I caught them together & he told me how much “he loved her”. I was crushed thinking she’s better suited for him but she died recently & he found another only 5 weeks later.

Tru wuv? They will never know what Love is. It’s just a word they throw around to attract more supply.
It’s 2 years I’m now divorced but the pain comes & goes. If this other woman is better suited for him there’s not much I can do.

Narcissistic cheaters seem all around us these days.
So sad ????

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Uniquelyme
Good for you – for not responding! Karma is a bitch and OW is learning , once a cheat always a cheat!

It’s amazing that “OW” think they are just so very special and cheater is their “true love-soulmate “ bs!

Oh well – 2 narcs hookups- karma!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

The whole Gollum thing. That was me. How dare some slut try and steal my man, never mind that he wanted to be stolen. I stopped pick me dancing a long time ago, but I still sometimes get Gollumish whenever I am reminded of her continued existence in his life. And yes, I do have fears that he will be forever sparkly for her. I think he does regret some of the things he did to me and so won’t want to repeat that bad behavior. From his perspective he is being a better person by ceasing to cause pain to more people, but in my opinion she is the one who deserved to get hurt for thinking that sleeping with somebody else’s husband (while still married herself) was an ok thing to do.

kurleegirl
kurleegirl
6 years ago

One of my girlfriends put it like this, after he left for the OW “Ain’t nothing changed but his address.” We have been separated now 7 years and divorced 1 and I really must say that is true…He was absolutely horrible during the divorce and I will be dealing with the after affects for years to come. Any man who will do half of the things that he did to me during the divorce cannot possibly be wonderful to her. He moved her in with him (so he could control her from close) and my sister who sees his posts on Instagram told me recently that she thought they might have broken up because all of the pictures that he had of her he took down suddenly ( devaluation has begun…). Will he be better to her than me….a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots….

Seeing clearly
Seeing clearly
6 years ago
Reply to  kurleegirl

Kurleegirl,
One of the many “epiphanies “ I’ve had, especially after finding CN 2 months ago, which allowed me to finally complete unmasking of Stbx – is the knowledge that for the remainder of his sick life – each day will be “Ground Hog” day!!

The one regret I have – unable to publicly “out him”, to prevent any future “innocent victims” of his predatory behavior!

Hopefully, during divorce process, because he is in scorched earth mode, he will publicly “out” himself if he continues with his plan of “winner takes all” , and moves forward with his current plan – taking divorce to trial! Stbx is self sabotaging and doesn’t realize it!!

Mary King
Mary King
6 years ago

I have had an unexpected outbreak of “what if he has transformed with her” on the back of my divorce being final.
Now they will get married and be blissfull.
They will buy a lovely house and go lots of holidays.
My kids will grow to lover her.
I was a horrible person and that’s why he cheated.
I didn’t get a great deal in the settlement so they will be richer.
Their sexually life must be awesome – it was non existent with me.

On the other hand:
He cheated before
She has been divorced twice
Her second husband was her affair partner and she cheated on him with my ex
He lied to her about me
He tried to reconcile until she stormed my house and confronted him
They had a brawl
My son’s only tolerate her after their father pleaded
He lies

So maybe I was the problem and he only lied and cheated out of sheer misery, he stayed “for the kids” but now deserves happiness.

Diana L
Diana L
6 years ago