Shakira’s Ex Plans to ‘Keep Doing What I Want’

 

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A post shared by Gerard Piqué (@3gerardpique)


In Maybe You Should Keep Your Pie-hole Shut news, Shakira’s ex, Gerard Pique recently gave an interview explaining his reasons for cheating on the global superstar and mother of his children.

“The day I die, I will look back and hope I have always done what I wanted,” he said. “I want to be faithful to myself.”

The Universal Bullshit Translator was available for comment.

“I’ve pledged my one true love to my wandering dick.”

Yes ladies, he plans to be faithful. To himself.

using that word

Gerard, I hope you and your willy are happy together. Doing what you want, whenever you want. Whether that’s wanking off. Holding each other gazing at sunsets. Enjoying frozen pizza for dinner. Or just jostling around town in your boxer briefs. Wants change. Perhaps you’re tired of frozen pizza. The important thing is, your dick is there for you. Your dick always understands.

Who in God’s name is Gerard Pique’s publicist? This whole image rehabilitation schtick has been a colossal failure. Gerard, in the realm of public opinion, don’t bring a deflated balloon to a gun fight. Remember the Casio watch debacle? Casio denied ever doing a deal with Pique. Apparently, they don’t want cheater stench on their brand.

Now the Schmoopie roll out on Instagram. And the cluelessly self-involved interview. Did he think this through? Buzzfeed reports:

Gerard added that despite the negative press, he’s “not going to spend money cleaning up [his] image.”

And it shows.

I haven’t seen an interview this bad since Prince Andrew tried to explain his bromance with Jeffrey Epstein to the BBC.

In the wake of the breakup, Gerard shared that he is “very happy” and plans to “keep doing what I want.”

Have ice cream for breakfast! Ride your bike down a flight of stairs! Dye your hair green! Stay up past bedtime! You’re not the boss of me, Mommy.

Speaking of the sane parent, how’s Shakira doing?

Oh, her diss track went #1 globally and shattered four Guiness world records? You don’t say.

And what’s Gerard Pique have? An untethered dick. Free Willy.

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Dr. D
Dr. D
11 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The second video was so beautiful. Something about being able to hear the whole audience singing along with her in Spanish even while she was first on stage made me tear up

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I read that her DDay was tipped off by the level of the strawberry jam in the fridge. She is the only one in the family that likes strawberry so she knew someone else had been there.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
11 months ago

Epic jaw drop on my part. Go go go Gerard! Straight to the bottom. Hit bedrock. Light stick of dynamite. Hold on tight now!

Magnolia
Magnolia
11 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Right!? Everyone up at the front of the audience knew every single word and every single note! I don’t think I’ve ever seen an act like that where we saw and felt the audience just lifting up the artist as a real human being and sister. I teared up a little!

Crispy Chick
Crispy Chick
11 months ago

My kiddo has started listening to Shakira…so proud!

And the billionaire schmoops better get ready …Girard puque is getting ready to bilk her for a bunch of her billions of bucks.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
11 months ago
Reply to  Crispy Chick

Gerard 🤮

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
11 months ago

Gerard comes across as just a delusional man-child with zero self-awareness, but I’m betting this is his attempt to mask his ANGER.

You can bet that he’s been throwing major tantrums at home… screaming expletives and hateful shit about Shakira. He’s likely even losing his shit on his AP. He’s an athlete who’s likely way too pumped up on testosterone — there’s no way he’s all zen about this 😂

He can say all day how happy he is and that he’s being “faithful” to himself… But Shakira’s incredible success with a song about what a douche bag he is… It’s clearly gotten under his skin. Imagine the razzing he’s getting from other players and just the public in general. People screaming out to him about what a loser he is and how they love Shakira — you have to believe that’s happening every day. He’s eating the shit sandwich now 😂

He’s not going to spend money to clean up his image? Ha ha —- image management is exactly what this “I’m so happy and I’m doing this for me” BS is. It’s all in response to how angry and frustrated he is by the public embracing Shakira and hating him.

I’m glad Shakira is happy, successful and gracefully leading the charge for Chumps everywhere ❤️ woot!

Apidae
Apidae
11 months ago

No doubt. This is exactly the kind of guy whose bro pals are laughing in his face. “Dude, you were hooking up with Shakira and you blew it all for some strange?!”

Hcard
Hcard
11 months ago

I’ve never heard of either of them. But the playbook doesn’t change. Totally agree, he’s having tantrums daily. The only real feeling these idiots have is me, me, me. Like toddlers

Guest Chump
Guest Chump
11 months ago

Gerard Pique is all sorts of yuck. And his scmoopie has nothing on Shakira. 🤮🤮
Water has indeed found its own level.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
11 months ago
Reply to  Guest Chump

“I’m worth two 22-year-olds
You traded a Ferrari for a Twingo
You traded a Rolex for a Casio”🎶💪

April
April
11 months ago

I am in tears watching the audience dance and sing with her. She deserves all the support and love she is receiving. She is mighty!

DBleighm
DBleighm
11 months ago

Is that his Schmoopie in the top pic? Talk about Shakira wannabe. He definitely has a type!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
11 months ago
Reply to  DBleighm
Dirty Water
Dirty Water
11 months ago

My favorite line from that interview: [H]e said: “Everyone has their responsibility to try to do what is best for their children. . . It is about protecting them. That is the job of all parents with children. That is what I am focused on and that is my job as a father.” What a complete lack of self awareness. Chump Lady gets it right – his focus is on his dick to the detriment of his children.

Violet
Violet
11 months ago

The dick wants what it wants.

Elsie
Elsie
11 months ago

“Faithful to himself.” I’ve never gotten that. Sure, there’s balance, but to me, life is NOT about pursuing everything for yourself. There was certainly an element of that in my ex as he viewed all marital assets as HIS to spend during the separation as he saw fit. We had to address that in the divorce.

This last weekend, I spent time with a dear friend that’s in hospice. It’s cancer #4 and is now in her brain. She had moments of clarity, and we mostly laughed about stupid things our kids did growing up. She fretted about how she looked with no hair, and I told her that she is beautiful to me. One of her daughters had bought her a very stylish hat. She wanted to see me while she could still say goodbye, so we did. I cried all the way home.

Then I went to an 80th birthday party the next day, and more laughs and love all around. The food was outstanding, but the fellowship was the best. Several years ago, the birthday guy had told me to hire a kick-ass attorney when I told him was on the horizon. He doesn’t normally talk that way, so it cracked me up when he said that. He was right, of course.

THAT is life.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago
Reply to  Elsie

Perfectly put, Elsie. My condolences for your friend.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
11 months ago
Reply to  Elsie

Isn’t it great to have a really authentic life without a cheater? I am so happy that after 28 years ago, I finally have myself back. It is great to have friends that you are so totally comfortable with and even to welcome some new ones. Sharing the good and the bad is what it is all about and most importantly being able to be your true self.

Elsie
Elsie
11 months ago

Yes, exactly.

My attorney and I got to the point that we had jokes about all the crazy and actually had a really good time at the appointments. One time we laughed so hard we cried. He said that he rarely got to laugh with a client.

At the signing, he declared me “a woman with a heart of gold” and encouraged me to date and find someone who truly would value me. I have zero interest, but it was kind of him to say that. He retired the day after the judge signed off. The associate who took my closeout told me that I was his mentor’s favorite client in his last year of practice.

Needless to say, my runaway ex didn’t see the value there.

All a Blur
All a Blur
11 months ago

When your claim to fame is “Yay for me! I cheated on one of the most incredibly talented, accomplished, and beautiful women on the planet because reasons,” there ain’t no image rehabilitation. He may as well get “I’m a moran”* tattooed on his forehead.

*misspelling intentional. He is, after all, a moron.

lulutoo
lulutoo
11 months ago
Reply to  All a Blur

Yes, Gerard Prique (misspelling of his name intentional, too!) is a “moran”! And a Prique!

Orlando
Orlando
11 months ago
Reply to  lulutoo

👏👏👏

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
11 months ago

More from his interview: “The people that I love and care about are the ones who know me. The rest isn’t important to me,” he continued. “I spend my energy on being with my loved ones and giving them what I have.”

Uh, what about the two little kids?

So funny that Casio called him out and said there was no deal, yet thanked Shakira for mentioning them.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
11 months ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

“The people I love and care about” are the people he can use. He spends his energy using people. I hope he winds up alone with porn-induced erectile dysfunction.

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
11 months ago

For readers in the Boston area, Tracy is speaking live this Thursday, March 30th, at 6:30 pm, along with Vikki Stark, author of “Runaway Husbands.” The program is called “Women of Courage” and it’s a fundraiser for Jane Does Well, a non-profit that provides resources to women confronting divorce. Tracey and Vikki will both speak, followed by four women telling their stories of life after divorce. For $25, attendees get a copy of their books along with the presentations. Tracy, can you give a link and additional info on how to register? The program is live only, no recordings.

Juniper
Juniper
11 months ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

Is it being streamed?

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
11 months ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

I would have totally made the trip from Michigan but I have a commitment Friday morning I can’t get out of. This is going to be an awesome presentation–so empowering and inspirational. Much needed for Chumps currently going through divorce.

PLEASE keep us posted on future events and if there is a possibility of a Zoom event.

I envision myself winning the lotto and sponsoring a weekend Chump retreat where daily massages are included! Of course CL, is the guest of honor, sitting on the Chump throne.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
11 months ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

I have a mind to travel 3,000 miles to attend! What a wonderful event!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
11 months ago

I snorted when I got down to the Princess Bride meme… “You keep using that word…” TOO FUNNY!

We all know Shakira is 100000000 times better than this delusional and entitled fuckwit. Hopefully, she’ll just keep on shining and be the sane parent in addition to being a superstar.

May we all find a way to shine bright today. Never let a cheater dim your brilliance. You’ve got this (and they’ve got their delusions.)

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
11 months ago

I have always loved Shakira. Kuddos to her— X is a nobody. Never heard of him. The AP looks like a child, a cunning child. She’ll get hers…. He’s a complete POS.

tallgrass
tallgrass
11 months ago

It’s such striking confirmation that no chump can ever be enough to please a cheater – that it’s in their character; not something we could have been fixed by working harder or being more beautiful.

Claire
Claire
11 months ago
Reply to  tallgrass

tallgrass, ain’t that the truth 👌🏼

MsAzure
MsAzure
11 months ago

New Age Feel-Good Philosophy: “The day I die, I will look back and hope I have always done what I wanted,” he said. “I want to be faithful to myself.”

Reality Translation: “I’m selfish, selfish, selfish, it’s all about me, me, me. Forever. And before I die old and alone because I put zero effort into forming reciprocal bonds with others, I hope to be able to have enough money to pay a caregiver to wipe the applesauce that dribbles on my chin.”

Double ugh. People like this guy are simply exhausting, whether or not you’re in a sexual relationship with them. We all know them, we’ve all had them in our lives, whether it’s a spouse, sibling, parent, friend, etc. It’s me, me, me and don’t ask me to consider you, you, you.

Any woman who gets intimately involved with him should get one of those punchable cards for her gynecological visits: Pay for 8 STD tests and you get one free.

SortOfOverIt
SortOfOverIt
11 months ago
Reply to  MsAzure

Here is the thing, if he was unhappy in his marriage and felt that it was not reparable, then sure, he should leave. If by “doing what he wants” he MEANT “not staying in a miserable marriage”, that would be fine. It would probably be painful for Shakira, and not ideal for the kids in some ways. But it’s ok to leave if you aren’t happy.

But let’s be serious, he REALLY did whatever he wanted. Including having his AP stay in his marital home, which he did frequently enough that she felt comfortable eating his wife’s jam. It’s NOT the same thing.

Adelante
Adelante
11 months ago
Reply to  MsAzure

I’m all for being “faithful to [one]self,” but it’s to be hoped that part of our ideas of ourselves is that we are part of a larger whole, starting with family, and that we have obligations to those other people. (And in the case of marriage, we took vows, even!)

For the last three years of my mother’s life, I was her primary caregiver. I made a lot of decisions based on my understanding that I needed to order my life so that I could care for her. For example, I stayed in my post-divorce apartment rather than buying a house, so I could be more easily available to live in her hometown for months at a time.

When I think about what the final years of her life would have been like without having my care, I shudder to think about it (I saw a lot of other people in her care facility who didn’t have family there). That awful scenario is exactly what a focus on “what I wanted without reference to anyone else” would have consigned her to. Was I always happy to do it? No. Were there times I resented doing it? Yes. But I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had ignored her needs.

My now-ex decided, like Pique, that the end-all and be-all of his life was being “true to himself.” He still thinks he did the right thing, and will think it until he dies, and until then he will find some way to make me into the villain.

At the end of the day, I’d rather have my values than his.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  Adelante

What a wonderful daughter you were to your mother! Obviously you know that you will never regret the selfless time spent with your mom. May you now have a wonderful rest of your life.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago
Reply to  Adelante

I so agree, Adelante. FW patronizingly expressed his “admiration” for me when I was caring for my parents until they passed. While his own dad was dying, he was off on dates with his slut, so I call bullshit on his “admiration.” If he really admired it and valued it, he’d have done it himself.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
11 months ago

I appreciate what Shakira has done with this because if your cheater has a reputation as Mr Nice Guy like Traitor Ex, it can seem as if there are no decent people in the world who think cheating is messed up and wrong.

I enjoy reading the IG comments roasting these two cheating freaks. It restores my
faith in humanity to know there are so many people willing to speak out against infidelity.

If your spirits are low, jump on Instagram and read the comments excoriating the cheaters as if they are standing up for you.

#teamShaki

Juniper
Juniper
11 months ago

My X has that Mr Nice Guy rep. After finding out – four years ago – about his affair with my friend (her husband was a friend of ours too), it would appear all things are back to normal for X, my ex-friend, and everyone else. The three years X and I were attempting reconciliation, he said he would never be on social media again. About a month after he moved out, my kid told me “dad’s on instagram”. I checked X’s feed twice before I muted him. He’s an exceptionally talented artist/designer, and is back to posting snapshots of his drawings/paintings (and outings with our kids, of course). I noticed many former friends – and my SIL – were “liking” his posts, commenting on his “amazing” work. He destroyed our marriage. He helped destroy another marriage. He has caused so much grief for me, my children, my parents. Do people not realize this? Do they not remember? Do they not see? At the very least, could they just NOT “like” his posts on IG?? I can’t imagine giving someone who had intentionally burned down their own house an affirming shout-out on social media or anywhere else. It’s truly effed with my head.
I have to wonder if growing up in the Christian church has something to do with this dynamic. I’m surrounded by people who carry this general attitude of “we must forgive”, “you have to move on”, and “Jesus was merciful”. Yes. And? Those words feel dismissive. My family has suffered a trauma – and the lifelong effects of it – at the hands of good-guy X. To all the former friends out there, be a decent person and ignore his attention-seeking. It’s the least a bystander can do. Even better, be intentional about making safe spaces for my kids/me, and invite us into your lives.
If only some of those friends had excoriated X (and ex-friend). They were held up instead. I think Christians often want to “save” folks. It feels good to be the supportive ally. It’s been shocking to me how X and ex-friend have been re-embraced. Can’t make sense of it.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  Juniper

Though ‘Christian’, many don’t actually follow all the tenets of their faith. Much of it is actually studying and thoroughly understanding the context of the things that they tout. “We must forgive”, “Jesus was merciful” are correct. But what were the circumstances, and what exactly was meant? People do not change and if you try to understand the ‘why’, you’ll be putting your head in that blender. So, instead of getting bogged down with untangling the skein of other people’s stupidity, do your best to be the best person that you can be. From your post, I can only imagine that your DDay must still be fresh enough that you’re feeling such pain. And don’t ignore it! You deserve to be angry and hurt! But remember, these shallow people are exactly that, i.e., shallow. It’s extremely painful to be betrayed by folks that you thought were supportive of you. Remember that Jesus was sold for 30 pieces of silver — to his death — with a kiss on the cheek by his own disciple. Talk about betrayal! I hope you can find peace soon, because only you can achieve it. Some people here on CN found it by Karma happening to their FW. I’m still waiting for Karma to happen, but in all actuality, I found peace by just letting go. Me finding peace only happened a few years ago. I kept hoping and waiting for Karma. Finally, I realized that I was the only one hurting. The dick and his skank were off ‘being happy’ and never gave a thought to me. As many a therapist has said, “Stop giving him free rent in your head”. That’s what I was doing, and I was the only one hurt by it. I am now 8+ years since divorce. Reflect on you and reflect on being the best person that you can be. Try not to seek validation from others, else you may just continue to be disappointed. Remember, there are a lot of shallow people in this world. Pick new friends and be confident that you’re doing what you’re supposed to do. And then say, “Fuck them! If they would rather a fuckwit in their lives instead of a wonderful person like me, then it’s their loss!” And believe it, because it’s true.

Susannah
Susannah
11 months ago
Reply to  Juniper

Jesus also took a whip to money changers at the temple, but nobody likes to talk about that for some reason.

SunriseRuby
SunriseRuby
11 months ago
Reply to  Susannah

Right. And that story about the aduterous woman Jesus rescued from being stoned? Everyone loves to quote “Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone” and apply it indiscriminately to waaay too many situations. They conveniently overlook the fact that, after the crowd left, Jesus didn’t say, “I’m okay, you’re okay” to the woman, but “Go and sin no more.”

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
11 months ago

I played the English subtitled version, which is awesomely empowering to read the lyrics.
Thanks for sharing this, CL. Shakira is a massive force for good in the world. The entitled free Willys roaming the planet being faithful only to their own willys getting called out, love that!
It’s universal chump power put to music and hugely validating for countless chumps out there.
What a strong message to her young sons, the consequences of betraying ppl who love you are not good. That’s not called freedom, it’s a personal prison they will never escape from. Shame for them, they are not evolved enough as humans to get it.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
11 months ago

He’s another self-serving punk. Glad Shakira let him go. She knows what to do! Live her life, and enjoy all she has ( her kids are soooo cute!)
One of the best things I’ve learned from chumpdom, is that the X’s did NOT deserve us. We were the key to all the blessings in our homes. (Well, X did tell funny jokes, I’ll give him that! But were the jokes worth all the agony? NO) Once they are out of our world, we can soar, and we do. It’s just a simple truth.

Orlando
Orlando
11 months ago

No wonder she did a diss song for the douche. I’m sure her sons approved of this too since their dad walked away with his young & dumb GF appliance. Shakira does indeed have a sisterhood out there & we’re done with the entitled pr*cks just as she is.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
11 months ago

There is nothing cheating narcissists and sociopaths hate more than being ridiculed and laughed at.
Our tears, our pain – even our rage – is kibbles to them.
Our laughter is their kryptonite.

Chumpy VonChumpster
Chumpy VonChumpster
11 months ago

My spanish is kind of bad but the chorus of this song is “I was out of your league, that’s why you’re with someone like you.’ Pretty much sums up the Chump vs. the FW/Schmoopie situation. The FW’s get who they deserve.

susie lee
susie lee
11 months ago

“The FW’s get who they deserve.”

I do agree, I have seen it so often play out. Oh they dance, and put on a front; but folks know.

Are there exceptions? Sure, there are no absolutes, but just because folks are walking around with a smile on their face does not mean they are in bliss. After all didn’t many of our fw’s walk around acting all happy, and to hear them tell it they were miserable.

Chumpy VonChumpster
Chumpy VonChumpster
11 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

Absolutely! The ones who smile the most and seem the happiest are often the ones trying to cover up something sinister – like their cheating, their soul and their schmoopie.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
11 months ago

In Pittsburgh, we call a guy like Gerard a “jagoff.”

Trudy
Trudy
11 months ago

I think I read the Casio chick was her assistant and Shakira had bought his parents a home near her so I’m sure she’s been feeding his and his family’s wallet for years. I’m not sure they were legally married so hopefully, no big pay day for him slutty ass.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
11 months ago

“The day I die, I will look back and hope I have always done what I wanted,” he said. “I want to be faithful to myself.”

Some of the most basic, invaluable advice I give my child is “Always be true to yourself and your values”, which is based on the ancient standard “To thine own self be true.” This is completely different from what Gerard Pique says above.

While he may have been attempting some derivative of “to thine own self be true”, he actually revealed his true self-centered nature.

Being true to yourself means remembering your core values as you navigate life. It can keep you from getting out over your skis. It prevents you from blindly following the crowd and it gets you ask difficult questions of smooth talkers. It’s the calm internal voice of that guides you on the right path.

Gerard Pique and a multitude of sociopaths and psychopaths are guided by “I have always done what I wanted.”

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago

Doing what he wants is just what passes for values with the likes of him. He’s an empty vessel, like all FWs.
I don’t think my FW has any authentic set of values, not even self interest. He just lets his feelings blow him around like an ill wind. Some FWs are calculating selfish, even somewhat clever in the crude way of predatory beasts, but my FW is all impulse. This turd seems like that type too.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
11 months ago

This is deep, and true GDD. It involves being our true selves, while being conscious that others are involved, too. People who have invested in us, and care. Seems pretty easy to me, showing care and love to others. Isn’t that the best part of life?

SunriseRuby
SunriseRuby
11 months ago

Let me guess – Ester Perel liked his Instagram post and sent a lot of heart emojis.

Innocencelost
Innocencelost
11 months ago
Reply to  SunriseRuby

I’ve been trying to interpret the 4 million+ likes his post got (as screenshot above). 4 million people admire him? Are disordered enough to support his behavior? Or just like it because he’s a celebrity of some sort (I don’t know who he is aside from this).

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago

Wow. I actually teared up seeing how Shakira fans in Fallon’s audience– male and female– were singing in unison and doing all of Shakira’s hand gestures from the original music video. To be honest, celebrity worship and fan behavior mostly scare me but it’s like these people aren’t so much fawning over Shakira as owning their own expression of the song as if it’s an anthem for some political movement and the enthusiasm is like they’re throwing off the chains of bondage or something. I’m not sure they’d be as enthusiastic if the lyrics and meaning were different.

It’s all making me wonder if monogamy and fidelity are becoming that embattled. I don’t mean embattled in terms of being a religious value (“living in sin” vs. marrying) but in the sense of the typical, simple human wish to find someone compatible who they can love and trust for life. Pair bonding. Are people losing interest in that or simply hope for it? There are different reasons given for the plummeting rate of marriage and cohabitation around the world but polls usually boil it down to economic constraints and not wanting to have destructive relationships, which sounds more like lost hope than lost interest. The fact that Shakira’s song broke so many records might also suggest the modern single-by-choice trend is largely about loss of hope, not interest. Maybe that’s why the singing fans remind me weirdly of Arab Spring celebrations.

I could actually make an argument that there’s something political in this issue (and anyone who knows me knows I’ll try). For instance, the explosive popularity of the song might explain why the media is wagging the dog so hard and shoving cheating apologias down our throats so relentlessly. In other words, it’s as if the media is setting out to kill the very common human hope of finding one person to share life with and the response to the song is a public vote for restored hope. Some might say that the song only argues that self esteem isn’t contingent on being in a relationship which it does, but I think it’s more about how being single is preferable to being in a bad relationship. The song’s rebellious cheerfulness suggests hope for whatever one prefers in the future– happy singledom or happily finding a healthy partner. Reducing cheaters to “tipos” or types suggests the alternative exists and outnumbers the duds.

Not to be grandiose but I wonder if the Shakira Bizarrap “experiment” just argued for the idea that monogamy is a stubborn hardwired human value and trait like recent Gallup polls showed (independent of religious prohibitions, Americans are apparently becoming less and less approving of adultery). But it seems as if certain industrial media sponsors want that not to be so and are seeking to prove– with endless propaganda– a not-so-well-evidenced evolutionary theory that monogamy is an acquired behavior that shifts according to social conditioning. Or so they hope and considering how much it’s being flogged these days in the press, it’s not being left to chance.

Never mind the evolutionary science arguing that humans evolved to be generally monogamous or at least preferring that our partners are monogamous, even the phenomenon of cheating itself makes the same case. Cheaters especially value monogamy, if not in themselves then in their partners. The whole point of cheating and what makes it cheating is to leave the victim believing the contract is still valid and acting accordingly while the cheater does what they want. Concubines in harems of yore would be put to death for having sex with anyone other than the master. Even the recent headlines of cheaters killing their spouses– and the fact that they risk so much for so little– seem like cases of dogs juggling two bones who bury one for fear another dog might get it.

But I suspect the poly/monogamy-is-unnatural theory boosts shareholder confidence in certain industries. For instance, the dating app industry is nearing $6 billion in profits and promises more than 3% annual growth. To continue growing– especially if the population declines and the numbers of single users flattens– the industry arguably needs to increase the number of married users beyond the present 30-40% or increase the rate of divorce (why not both?! Ka-ching). The same is true for the global porn industry which currently pulls in an estimated $15 b in revenue and is valued overall at about $100b– more than any other media source in the world. Currently, about 45% of porn users are married and 30% are women. Those demographics are seen as pliant and the view of monogamy as inborn, monogamy as a religious value and feminism are likely seen as obstacles to future profits.

There are many more industries that profit from pointless materialism or a need for useless distraction driven by misery, fear and insecurity. The degree to which healthy family unity tends to reduce misery and insecurity makes family unity an obstacle to growth as well. That’s not an argument to stay in a bad marriage or that people can’t be happy when single but just to make a point that family relationships, if solid and constructive, generally tend to make people happier and healthier. Research consistently shows that happy people are less materialistic so unstable relationships are good for the bottom line. This provides an interesting “fear sells” subtext to Ashley Madison’s tagline, “Life is short. Have an affair.” Translation: “Be afraid. Be very afraid. Life is meaningless and death is nigh. Bonk randos as a distraction from the terrifying void.”

I’m not only interested in this from the chump perspective but because I spent 13 years researching and writing about the intersection of science and politics for an environmental health publication. I went on a three year bender exploring how the increasing use of expedient, false evolutionary science to promote commercial and political aims– something known as “scientism” in poli sci-speak– has been contributing to global political repression. To avoid being boring and boil it down, scientism is arguably the core of totalitarianism (according to luminaries like Arendt, Popper, Todorov, etc.) and is typically based on various absurd theories of human nature and evolution which happen to serve reigning power in some way. All totalitarian movements, whether left or right, are founded in junk evolutionary science. And it’s important to remember that some of those Utopian evolutionary totalitarian theories like eugenics and Rousseau’s Noble Savage theory spread incrementally and first presented themselves in very benign-seeming, “humanitarian” forms– just like the polyamorous theory of human sexuality.

Like a lot of anti-monogamy and poly proponents, Esther Perel wades into evolutionary science by touching on a popular junk theory that humans evolved in a direct line from the common ancestor of the peaceful, orgy-loving bonobos, not rapey regular chimps. Free love! So groovy! What could be fascist about that?? Easy: bad evolutionary theory + expedient + promoted by powerful interests. The fact that the theory contradicts basic carbon dating coupled with the fact that it arguably serves power and profits make it verge on “scientism.” The danger of promoting unproven science as fact in service of power is obvious. Imagine if gadget companies start funding junk science that, say, defines “tech-neck” as a natural evolution, healthy and even desirable and think of all the horrible ways in which this could effect health and medical practice. Silicone neck hump implants. Physical therapy to contort the spine and spinal surgery to correct straight posture. Smushed organs, nerve damage, shortened lifespan, chronic pain. Basically any attempt to force a false theory of evolution is a disaster.

But the danger of promoting junk science regarding human sexuality isn’t necessarily that it leads to some literal manifestation like ending up in some Brave New World dystopia where we’re not allowed to pair bond and everyone’s forced to bang randos. The key danger of promoting junk science in service to power is the damage to the concept of science itself, the way in which any tidbit of crap theory promoted by power messes up the public’s understanding of science and paves the way towards absolutist science– i.e., science that we’re not allowed to question– which is, by definition, no longer science but a kind of existential religion. Then if you consider that, in modern times, laws and policy are often based on cellular or evolutionary science theory, you can see what this potentially leads to.

Right now the whole poly vs. monogamous nature argument might seem like a social media trifle but, considering that evolutionary scientists argue that war itself is driven by sexual dominance, how is a conceptual war over human sexuality not a powder keg that potentially impacts everything else?

Anyway, that’s all a long way of saying that the collective nerve Shakira struck might run deeper than cheeky breakup song or passing musical trends. There are a ton of cheeky breakup songs but none that broke 14 world records.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago

Very well reasoned, HOAC. I love your theories.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Thank you OHFFS. Lol, “That theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.” https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2oh8ia

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago

Oops, as if the above weren’t long enough, I left out a few details. The argument that humans evolved from common ancestors with peaceful, orgy loving bonobos as an argument against monogamy is moot because regular, warring, cannibalistic chimps are sexually indiscriminate as well. The point of arguing that we’re more closely related to bonobos is a way of arguing that the *consequences* of being sexually indiscriminate won’t be bad because, see, bonobos are peaceful whereas that argument is more difficult to make if we’re more closely related to rapey chimps who primarily wage war for sexual dominance. Either way, you could argue that polyamory is “natural” but, if the argument is based on closer genetic ties to chimpanzees, the same argument could be made that rape, war, infanticide and cannibalism are “natural.” The point being missed is that humans evolved differently than either bonobos or chimps in many ways. One theory by a leading primatologist and evolutionary scientist has it that early human’s leap from grunts and signs to modern language was fueled by mate-guarding. Complex language was necessary for gossip and gossip was necessary to keep tabs on what mates were getting up to.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
11 months ago

Glimpse into the disordered mind. RIC phase, myFW asked me during a conversation why I didnt let a former boyfriend give me an orgasm. I said I didnt feel comfortable with him why should I have done that with him? His response, because it feels good.

Thats all you need to know about them. They are all cut from the same cloth. They are actually the interchangeable ones.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

In DV advocacy we used to say that victims come from all walks but every abuser is same, gray, predictable and interchangeable. It wasn’t just a quip. Survivors would usually show up numb, frog-boiled and terrified of speaking out so we’d prime the pump by rattling off clinical reports of what abusers typically do and say. The reaction was always, “Do you actually KNOW my [significant other]?” It wasn’t ESP. Malicious people are the height of conformity since they’re usually emulating some toxic role model who was emulating another toxic role model and on and on. Copies of copies of copies. They’re all good little soldiers of darkness and destruction.

Zip
Zip
11 months ago

I wish she’d write another song about how all cheaters and their cheating partners suck. Or maybe Becky G can do it! Another singer with another FW sports guy.

Helen Back
Helen Back
11 months ago

They try to convince people that their abject self-centeredness is a virtue.
FW kept telling me: “I need to put myself first!” Oh, that’s some deep philosophical shit. Who said that? Jesus? Buddha? No! It was actually just a narcissistic schmo

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
11 months ago

Be true to yourself, be faithful to yourself. If your characteristics are those of the cheat and the liar, being faithful to yourself means telling everyone up front that that’s who you are. Logically, cheaters and liars should not need to hide their cheating and lying from the rest of the world because they are only being faithful to themselves. They have no need to be ashamed and hide their infidelity. Funny how they make these proud and noble statements about being true and faithful to themselves only when they’ve been caught. That tends to suggest that, all the time they are lying and cheating, they are lying to and cheating on themselves by denying that that’s what they are doing. They are unfaithful even to the faithfulness to themselves they proclaim to the world. In fact they are plain, common liars and cheats who make up stories after they have been exposed to justify their lying and cheating. They are amongst the lower elements.