Cheater or Child? Who Said It Best?

birthdaypartyToday’s Fun Friday challenge came from FreeVixen, who suggested a contest in which you compare a cheater utterance with something a child might say, and award a winner.

For example:

In the category of “You’re Not Invited to My Birthday Party!” the contestants are Martin, a surly 5 year old, and Amos, a 52-year old accounting rep.

When Dylan took back the Hot Wheels car toy from Martin, (who never takes turns!), Martin uninvited him to all present and future birthday parties. (Dylan responded by repo-ing the Hot Wheels car with a swift kick to Martin’s shins.)

(applause!)

Amos, the accounting rep, did not invite his wife of 23 years, Janice to his birthday party. Despite the fact that Janice had made reservations at a very nice restaurant and bought him silver cufflinks, Amos made other plans to spend the day in Atlantic City with his mistress Twinkie.

Confronted later with a used bus ticket, (that was not to the underwriting conference in Muncie) Amos exclaimed that Janice was not INVITED to his birthday.

Do we have a winner?

Other categories are “You’re not the boss of me!” “Nanner-nanner boo boo!” and “Because I WANT IT!”

Feel free to add your own…

 

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sadlady15
sadlady15
8 years ago

When my stbxh discarded me after 34 years of marriage(that included many trips cars motorcycles,cottage,house in Florida etc that we couldn’t afford), he said “I just wanna have fun” stomp of his little foot imagined….

Kathleen Whitfield
Kathleen Whitfield
8 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

“I’m furious! I’m so tired of being the bad guy and you’re miss perfect.” Hysterical.

aka
aka
8 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

My cheater said to me: if we were having more fun, I never would’ve cheated. He’s a serial cheater that started cheating on me the week we moved in together. I guess we never had any fun…

Justine
Justine
8 years ago

In mediation with ex over property and child custody, ex tries to justify his hardline position – “Yes I did some terrible things but (insert high pitched whine here) she told people about them!”

cracker11
cracker11
8 years ago
Reply to  Justine

This was said to me as well in mediation. The look on the face of the mediator was priceless

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  cracker11

Oh boy. I’m going to have to make a checklist on this blog entry.
+1 on the “you told people what I did!”

Well, a lot more than +1. He really banged that drum.

“If you wouldn’t have gone whore-crazy, there would be nothing to tell!”

effiestillhertz
effiestillhertz
8 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

LOVE your counter-response!

Cindy
Cindy
8 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Oh my gosh! Mine says that same thing.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  Justine

Definitely a contender!

Lucky
Lucky
8 years ago

My X and I had just been to a funeral with Miss Twinkletwat and their bunch of fucknuts.

We drove 2 hours home only for him to want to turn around and drive 4 hours away for her Birthday party. He knew I didn’t want to go – so it was his chance to go by himself.

I said no, we had a long day. We were in the church parking lot as we lived in the rectory. He was in his clerical clothes ( white collar and all).

He started jumping up and down clenching his fists and saying that he never got to do what he wanted to do.
Then he screamed all red in the face ” I never got to be a fireman!”

Yup. 7 years of education while my kids were little and moving to a strange city away from family and friends to hear that. I want to be a unicorn but you know – I live in reality.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky…I spoke of you and your winning chump entry here at Chumpapalooza today…you werent forgotten !!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

And the Oscar goes to…. (gasp!!!) Lucky’s ex—!!!! HAHAHAAA, that’s freaking funny!!!

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Holy shitballs.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

These are so sad and yet so funny. I hope the universe takes them all over its knee and gives them a good spanking.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago

Except they might enjoy that too much! ?

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

You could, of course, offer to pile up all his belongs and light them on fire if he’d like to practice his fantasy profession.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Wow! That’s right up there with pillow-munching.

Ninja Chump
Ninja Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Bwahahahahaha!!! This is one of the best things I’ve ever read on here! Classic ?????

JeanM
JeanM
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky, you are lucky. This is a scream

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Bwahahaha!!! That is priceless!!

Right before D-day my ex whined that he didn’t want to be a law enforcement officer anymore, he wanted to change careers to be a DJ (while I was a stay at home mom). I’m a little disappointed that I never got to see his LA nightclub DJ dreams squashed when the best he could do was a budget wedding in San Pablo.

Kellia
Kellia
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Free Vixen – This is too funny. The guy wants to be a DJ and is a colossal failure at it. What’s up with these cheaters and their aimlessness in their careers, joblessness, failures at being able to provide. Sheesh.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

He never did change careers, I’m just imagining how it would have gone down. I bet his OW was encouraging and telling him that he should do whatever made him happy. Now that they have a child on the way and a shared rent payment, I bet she feels a little differently. On the plus side, now SHE gets to be the new Crusher of Dreams and Happiness, which he thought was a title only I could hold.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Shortly after Dday, I saw an email from OW to my ex gushing about how she “just knew he was going to be a huge star, sigh.” LOL, puke. Funny how she disappeared from the scene once he quit his steady job to pursue that “stardom,” however. Guess she had more smarts than it seemed.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Crusher of Dreams and Happiness… love that. I think I will embroider that into a pillow and put it on my bed, just incase Dr. Demento ever comes back to the house and sneaks in like he used to.

indychump
indychump
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Oh Lucky, I am so sorry for you. But that is fucking hilarious. Wtf?!?

Mine – when I first confronted – got all uppity and stated “I have my masters” like I was too stupid and beneath him. He then climbed up on the cross and declared how much he was suffering. “You just won’t understand!”

Fuck his masters. I bet he wished he could’ve been a fireman?

slg188
slg188
8 years ago
Reply to  indychump

Oh I got that one too! I wouldn’t understand because I “didn’t go to medical school” like him and his MOW. Lol!

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  indychump

Sounds familiar, as X was taking his things from the house he would walk past me and say, “I’m a pilot, what are you”?

I should have recorded him and sent a copy to the FAA, and find out there thoughts on what he is.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Only to be likened with the infamous kid quote “I know you are but what am I?”

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

” I never got to be a fireman!” LOL!!!!

Digbert
Digbert
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

?? that’s comedy gold

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Mine “never got to be a Doctor!”

He was homeless until the age of 26, yet somehow I cockblocked all of this bubbling career ambition.

Jeez. He couldn’t even be bothered to stick with the cleaning business we started together. Left me high and dry with no notice running it: TWICE.

This is going to be a long day reading all of these.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky – Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago

“If I’m happy, shes’s happy!” In reference to 12 year old daughter. Who was decidedly not happy and dumped abruptly at her mothers full time until she came to her senses and agreed to share a room and go on outings with New Chick’s children.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

the one time i brought up the boys, he told me that they would be better off not seeing us fight all the time… … … … … we never really faught. he was never home to fight with, and when he was home he hide in the garage. the few times he was actually in the house, i wasnt even talking to him… because i was so hurt and upset, and i DO NOT fight in front of my kids… .. …

he also said, the boys deserve better then this… not sure what the “this” he was referring to but YEP my kids sure did deserve better

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Please tell me your daughter never “came to her senses.”

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago
Reply to  PucksMuse

My daughter dropped his ass like a diseased rutabaga. Unfortunately my stepdaughter has to now hang out with Chanoopie #5, successor to the Sluterus. At least she demanded to have primary custody transferred from him to her own mom. It’s complicated. And we walked away.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Some centrality there, eh?

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Except if you read the literature, it is not true. They have a mean/sweet cycle, that is pretty regular and predicable, except when they are on the high of new lust mascarading as twu luv. That mean and snappy person is coming back with a vengence. Bwahahahah! Twilight Zone anyone.

UXworld
UXworld
8 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

OMG — mine constantly said the same thing. “If I’m a happier person, there will be less stress in the house and I won’t snap at the girls so much.”

oaktree
oaktree
8 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX, that’s exactly what mine said: “I want my kids to see me happy – it will be better for them.”

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That reminds me of my X saying… “Maybe that is a good thing, you know we’ll all be happier after the divorce…”

I saw red, quite literally, and out of nowhere shot back something along the lines of “Don’t you ever again dare say anything like this. I and our daughter will be happy, but that will be DESPITE all the lies and shit you brought into our lives.”

My insides are boiling just remembering this… So please excuse me while I go punch some inanimate object…

ChestnutMare
ChestnutMare
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Yeah, I don’t have much as to really childish stuff but his big points were : 1. We can all be friends after the ‘bs work’ of the divorce was done. 2. I am central in my children’s lives (so marries the twatwaffle in a big, white gown ceremony, but neglects to tell his kids for 6 MONTHS until after. I paid for the therapist for my daughter.). What a jerk wad.

Kelli
Kelli
8 years ago

Me: Ok, lemme get this straight. You told me you were working Valentine’s Day weekend, but you had your girlfriend come in town and stay with you in a hotel?….

Him: Yes…

Me: Did you *really* drive by my house with her while I was at home taking care of our children?!

Him: Well, she really wanted to see the new house…

Buddy (aka NotTheRealEstherPerel)
Buddy (aka NotTheRealEstherPerel)
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

He was just wanting to “bring about a new energy to the marriage”, and surely her wanting to see the new house is simply “an expression of yearning and loss.” and what Steven Mitchell dubs an “act of exuberant defiance.”

Kelli
Kelli
8 years ago

He said it in that “What? I don’t get it. What did I do wrong” kind of irritating tone that just makes you turn around and walk away. There is a good reason why I call him Idiotic Twat.

Cissy82
Cissy82
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

I had ex invite me and DS to watch him and OW play squash!! I didn’t know at the time he was shagging her, after I found out I asked him WTF was wrong with him. He said he thought our son would enjoy watching him play. PLAY SQUASH WITH THE WHORE YOU’RE SHAGGING BEHIND MUMMIES BACK?? I was speechless!

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Ha ha ha ha! Brilliant!

meadowlands
meadowlands
8 years ago

Two days after I found out, we had to go to his cousin’s wedding (third time’s the charm for him?). So we’re at the hotel the night before the wedding and talking about his affair, and Big Shot says, “It’s just so hard to be good sometimes.”

Susan
Susan
8 years ago
Reply to  meadowlands

Meadow,
How did you ever manage to go to a wedding, plus be in a hotel w him so shortly?
I saw only blood for several months! I admire those who could hold it together w their cheater.
I just couldn’t.

meadowlands
meadowlands
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

I was in mentally in shock and caught up in the “unreasonable” notion that he took his marriage vows seriously. I was willing to forgive a mistake, but I made the faulty assumption that he thought he made one. I thought he would drop Trashley like a hot potato to fight for our family, to try to make things better because we were worth it. I made the mistake of thinking I mattered to him. It took me about 6 months to see the light.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  meadowlands

I too remember thinking X valued our marriage as much as I did and this would pass as it was only an error in judgment. We had so many memories, and shared so much over the years.
I thought X was a devoted family man.
I found CN and now realize X isn’t anything like the person I thought I married.
Funny, X would laugh at anyone dating or marrying anyone 20 younger than them, saying they wouldn’t have anything in common, how ridiculous it looked, these girls were young enough to be his daughter.., what would they talk about? blah, blah.
Well, guess who has a GF 20 years younger and young enough to be his daughter.., he claims they have so much more in common than he and I ever did.
Our 20 year marriage, life together meant absolutely nothing to him.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  meadowlands

same mistake i made. i made the mistake that he loved me and realized that we had a good thing, 14 years of me standing by his side thru all his “mistakes”, keeping the house and the family going while he felt sorry for himself, filling out his applications for yet another job because he hated the job he was in, making sure all the bills were paid so he could run around and spend money foolishly,…. … ..

and the biggest mistake was thinking he would FIGHT for me and the boys.

BetterDays
BetterDays
8 years ago
Reply to  meadowlands

Meadowlands – I remember that shock stage well. And the thought that he’d realize he’d made a giant mistake. I thought I’d meant to him what he meant to me — and I was dead wrong.

Even this morning (one year post the final D-Day), I was sitting in the same row as him during our son’s piano recital. One of the other kids played a song we both used to love and without thinking, I looked over at him and we both smiled. I quickly looked away, about to cry, and reminded myself that HE’S NOT WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS. He’s the guy who just last night, when I was dropping the kids off, was sneaking some fat-assed twenty-something hoochie-mama (he’s in his forties) out the other door of his apartment.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  meadowlands

Meadowlands – it’s horrible to realize that these people dabble in love. It’s a peripheral thing to them, not central like it is with normal people like us. I know it’s difficult but try not to take his leaving personally. They take the path of least resistance and I’m sure he looked at the giant mess he made of your marriage and all the hard work it would take to fix things. She doesn’t know what a complete dirtbag he is yet (don’t worry – it will come) so he figured his best bet is to go with the clueless one.

I’d hate to think you look at his leaving as anything to do with your value. Cheaters see the people in their lives a bit players in the soap opera in which they star. She’s just a bit player too. It’s the easy way out.

meadowlands
meadowlands
8 years ago

Thanks so much for this response (and everyone’s responses). I’ve been coming back to reread them all, but this one in particular, over the last few days. There’s something about the phrase “giant mess he made of your marriage and all the hard work it would take” that hits the nail right on the head. He’s a lazy coward. For the most part, I’m doing much better. I’m divorced and well on my way to meh. Having to raise a child with his involvement can invoke some mental scab picking, but nothing on the scale of what it used to be. I don’t want him back at all, but I do miss what I thought I had: a loving partner.

Deedee
Deedee
8 years ago

Mine asked if I seriously thought that it was a good idea to tell a 55 year old only child that it wasn’t all about him.
Said without a trace of irony.I think it was then that I began to realise I was dealing with a wingnut.

Deedee
Deedee
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Come to think of it another gem that dropped from his lips was “Please don’t give up on us until I see if it works out with her”.
Just WTF.

JannaG
JannaG
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Please don’t leave me alone! I’m not ready to do cooking and laundry and cleaning all by myself! I’m not ready to use the big boy potty! I need someone to help me with all those things. I can’t be by myself like an adult! Insert grown man falling onto the floor and wailing while kicking his legs into the air.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Are you fucking kidding me??? NOW, I’ve everything!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

*Now, I’ve heard everything

expatChump
expatChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

DeeDee, when I asked my ex if he was going to stop seeing her after DDay 2, he said “if things don’t work out with us I want to pursue a relationship with her.”

With brave wings
With brave wings
8 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Expat, during the very short (thank God) reconciliation phase, the ex said the same thing to me. I have forgiven myself now, but I still can’t believe that I ever had to put of with that mental abuse.

Manchump
Manchump
8 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

How nice does that leave you feeling! Toxic comes to mind. Mine said I don’t want a divorce or anything, what she meant was can you please keep going to work and look after me and the kids while I keep seeing this other guy blah blah . Nice to have options I guess or to be one.

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
8 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

When I confronted XH about his cheating after finding physical evidence, I got verbal denials but there were contradictions to the verbal denials with micro-second facial expressions and body language. When I said, “I guess you thought you could have your fun, and I would be none the wiser and we would just continue on, business as usual.” His response was either to nod his head in agreement or to mutter “Mmm-hmm”, I can’t really remember which; but what I do remember was that it was an affirmation (and not the only one) of my accusation of his infidelity which contradicted with his verbal denials.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

“Please be my best friend until I figure out whether or not my new best friend will let me sit at his lunch table. I’ll even share my cookie with you.” [eats entire cookie without sharing]

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Well, of course. Who wouldn’t want to be the back-up plan for someone that magnificent???

Deedee
Deedee
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Oh yeah.And when I told him we were never,ever going to be friends,he said in a whining petulant voice..”But I WANT us to be friends”.
I had to block the dickhead on everything to get rid of him.
At least I can laugh now.

Manchump
Manchump
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Mine used that line, she also said , you can see the kids when ever you want! And, we can hang out like a family. Ha, I’m like wtf, so when your boyfriend gets boring , you want to have family time. What’s wrong with these aliens. Yes , I would love to be your option no2.

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

One night while we were separated, he stops by, does a whole bunch of lovey-dovey stuff, asks to stay over……I let him stay over.

And then does a big freak oout in the morning that we are “just friends” that I am “trying to trap him” and that he was just being “friendly for the sake of our kid.”

Because trying to make out with me on the couch and get into our bed is exactly what “friends” do, “for the children.”

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Alexandra: they just try to regain their power (in a kind of “You can’t fire me, I quit!” kind of thing).

After I asked for a divorce, then-H pleaded and begged to go to counseling. He made the appt., behaved like a total ass during it, and then when the therapist tried to reschedule the 2nd appt, then-H thought he had the upper hand again (since I’d agreed to MC), and he said, “I think I want the divorce now, but we can be friends.” lololol. I filed instead. We no friends, Kemosabe.

HopeAndGloria
HopeAndGloria
8 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

Agreed. These people are NOT from this planet. They are not from this planet, they do not belong to this planet, and they are f*cking up life for everything else that IS from and of this planet.

The sooner we anchor in another solar system, I say we cue them up first to board. All of ’em. Every goddamn single one of ’em.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Holy. Fucking. Shit. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

After treating me and our child like shit throughout his cheating (passive-aggression, silent treatment, verbal and emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah), Einstein had the nerve to say “You don’t tell me I’m wonderful anymore!”. Cause you’re not, Doucheflame!

HopeAndGloria
HopeAndGloria
8 years ago

Your ex is now officially dubbed Sir Wonderfulanymore. Her Majesty taps the flat of the sword on the right shoulder and then the left shoulder. ‘Arise, Sir Wonderfulanymore’.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago

My ex complained “you’re so judgmental!” Yeah, that’s because you’re LYING and SCREWING.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

i heard that too… … .. ALL THE TIME!! he would always tell me that i was TOO JUDGMENTAL…

i am super sorry that i did not think his crack whores sisters (who literally had sex with a man they just met so they could score drugs) and his drunk, jobless, cousin who is 40 years old and rides a bike everywhere because he lost his drivers license and has 8 kids that he never sees or supports by 5 different woman….. … .. are people i want to hang around and spend time with…

i am super sorry that i work too f*cking hard for my money and everything i have in my house, yard and garage just to give it to someone who CHOICES not to work and asks for hand outs all the time because they would rather stay up all night partying so they can sleep all day instead of getting a real job…

i am so very sorry that i think his sister who has hickies all over her neck and down her chest which is so proudly displayed and jokingly pointed out came from 3 different men.. … .. is a good example to be around my 13 year old daughter!!!

and sadly, i do not think his drunken friends who live in broken windows/door/floors, toilets flithy and not working, cock roach infested, disgustingly dirty houses were any place i wanted to sit and visit for 8 pm to 4 am….8 hours!!! in a house i couldnt even pee in or sit down at??!?!?! and damn sure not houses i would take my children into…..

yep, damn me for having standards and being judgemental!!! hahaha

fucking losers.

Martha
Martha
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

My assbrain said I was judgmental too. I was “judging” him for going out with his just divorced ex-ho-worker for drinks until 1:30am and lying and telling me he was out for work. He said I was “judging” him for seeing this slut for the previous nine years for coffee before work (I never knew she even existed.) His best man for our wedding didn’t “judge” him for what he did, so why was I judging him? Ummmm, because your best man thinks that there is nothing wrong with going to Canada to see totally naked strippers and getting lap dances. He calls this “just entertainment.” Did I mention my husband and his best man are Christians? LOL Good joke!

Mama duck says quack quack
Mama duck says quack quack
8 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha dear, the Christian ones are the worse of the lot. Mine and a bunch of other ones I now. They’re holy cheaters. It is soooooo scary, they are so fucked up. Do not see themselves as anything other than holy .After the shit hit the fan and he was outed my blood pressure went sky high and I landed in the hospital, the holy one offered to pray for me. I was so shocked by the offer that all I could answer was, “no, thank you”.

JannaG
JannaG
8 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I judged mine for wanting an open marriage. I wouldn’t have judged him if he would have informed me of that before marriage. Then, I could have just broken up and let him go to someone more compatible. It’s not even that he’s bad for wanting an open marriage. It’s that it’s bad to commit to me in a traditional ceremony with traditional “forsaking all other vows”, then ask for an open marriage once I’m stuck. It’s even worse to ask after cheating and then just keep cheating once I say no. And, it’s worse yet to get remarried to someone else, asking again for an open marriage after marriage, getting a yes and then still cheating on her by breaking the open marriage contract.

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  JannaG

Apparently I’m “judgmental” too because after years of marriage and a small child, I didn’t heartily accept “I can’t be happy and monogamous.”

AtPeace
AtPeace
8 years ago

Yes! Mine said “I want you to adore me.” Sad thing is, I did for way too long… But that ship has now sailed.

NotTodaySatan
NotTodaySatan
8 years ago

Omg, that’s horrific and hilarious.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  NotTodaySatan

I know, right? Clueless fuckhead.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
8 years ago

“Why would I bother apologizing since you won’t believe me anyway?”

“I’m not going to stay in a relationship where you’ll just hold it over my head for the rest of my life and treat me like a pile of slave meat.”

“We’ve been in love for years and I can’t get her out of my heart and I don’t want to try.”

Is there a category for surly teenager quotes?

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago

Slave meat! Love it!

NotTodaySatan
NotTodaySatan
8 years ago

Oh god, Wasband was 100% surly teenager. Any request for him to participate in the household was met with eye rolling, heavy sighs, indistinguishable grunts, one word answers or snide remarks that were versions of “you’re not the boss of me.”

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago

There was a theme throughout our marriage where the blame, 99.9% of the time, arrived at my doorstep.

While in divorce court, the judge was made aware that he was behind on taxes. His actual reply to the judge (pointing in my direction =>) “It’s HER fault !!! SHE didn’t do her JOB!!!” LOL – the judge just stared at him. (We had a business and he wouldn’t let me touch the accounting program we had).

notadoormat
notadoormat
8 years ago

Let’s see. When I told him that I wasn’t sure we could afford 25000$ for that new car he’d put an option on and he yells: “See, you just can’t stand me.” Not sure what liking him has to do with our bank account ??

Or when he said to me one night “now that we’re getting a divorce you can tell me the truth that you slept with our neighbor.” Uh nope never slept with anyone but now I know that YOU did ! Only a guilty idiot would say something so stupid.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  notadoormat

He wanted to spend $40,000 on a Ford Taurus that we didnt need and couldnt afford. Mind you he insulted me on a minute to minute basis and I did not return his insults, but the day he asked me “permission” (read: “blame her if this doesnt work out”) to buy it, I told him no and that his last few car purchases were “stupid” (because they were) and he went apeshit and literally ran through the house smashing things (inclugind a 7 ft high lamp my son and I made together).

If I smashed stuff every time he insulted me we would have been living on a pile of rubble

sadlady15
sadlady15
8 years ago

Oh and “you just have to trust me!” Uhhh no I don’t. …

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Blah ha ha. Yes, and then I can get you drunk and give you my car keys. You’re responsible enough to be trusted, right?

sadlady15
sadlady15
8 years ago

Oh and “I will not listen to any negativity anymore” well good for you sunshine you must live in the land of unicorns!!

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

“You never see the bright side. How many times do I have to apologize like I’m not worthy?”

“You’ve NEVER ONCE apologized to me about any of it!”

“You KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I helped you dye your hair that one time and it took HOURS!”

?????

Julier
Julier
8 years ago

I just want us all to be happy….WTF, so by leaving me and our 12yr old in a river of snot and tears, putting our family home up for sale,selling our two gorgeous dogs as we have to move into a house with the smallest garden ever is making just who happy? Oh yes you and Ms diamond encrusted vagina, no one else, but still, as long as you’re happy….

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  Julier

My stbx wanted to be happy, he said.. So he lied, cheated, betrayed, raged, had tantrums, said he was moving out while he came and went at all hours to be with 22 y.o. from work. Then one morning after he’d been MIA all weekend again I snapped asking what do you think you’re doing? He cried “Ok ok Im leaving!” And I said, “You have been saying that for weeks – why are you still here?!”
And then this pitiful little pouty voice says, “I don’t have anywhere to go!”
Ugh. What a buttmunch.

So being a nasty, lying, cheating bully makes him happy. She can have him. He someday will be showering her with happiness, too.

Kbchump
Kbchump
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

Oh Lord sounds like my ex wife..would pack her bag and leave on Friday and come home Sunday drunk and happy as shit after another weekend “with the girls”…while I was home with our daughter and menagerie of pets. Finally she told me she wasn’t in love with me and was leaving, but wanted to stay several months “to save up”..3 weeks of that hell I told her to get out. I swear the more I read on this site the more I see just how unoriginal these cheating slime asses all are.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

“I feel good when I’m with her,” my husband explained. “But I start feeling guilty and anxious when I’m on my way home to you.”

Yeah, it’s ME and not his conscience that makes him feel guilty and anxious. LOL.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes Lyn. I got this from Mr. Cheater, “She makes me happy!” Well La De Dah! Let’s just throw away 41 years of marriage for the whore that makes you happy! What an asshole! They don’t seem to give a rats ass that everyone else is miserable! That just doesn’t enter their “air space”!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Before finding chump lady and going no contact, asshole said to me, “I’m happy with her,” but whined and complained about her kids, having to find babysitter’s, having to give money to help support her kids, blah, blah, blah. Said he misses things not living here. Oh, well, he’s 61 now playing grandpa daddy! Have fun with that!

Kbchump
Kbchump
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

My ex whore told my daughter that same thing over and over ..”what about MY happiness?”…while she was screwing our daughters boyfriends father …2 years later our son never speaks to her and our daughter texts her but refuses to go to her apartment with Mr Wonderful. Maybe in her twisted head she did find happiness, but personally I would be miserable if I didn’t talk to or see my kids. Just bizarre.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

It can’t enter the air space because they have no empathy. They are the victim. We are the mean angry bitter people. I am mean angry and bitter because stbx lives with 22 yo. I went to lawyer for support and payment of legal fees and he whinned and cried how I’m out to destroy him!! I am evil!!! But he will survive!! Drama.
I just don’t see lying cheating, abandonment and abuse as family values like he does. No wonder i made him so unhappy.

blondebarrister
blondebarrister
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I heard the exact same thing!!!

Kellia
Kellia
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes, adult responsibilities make him guilty and anxious. It’s so much easier to live the life of PeterPan.

sterling
sterling
8 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

A couple months into trying to reconcile (he was still lying about how many women&years) he started in on how HE had PTSD for when I came home and come to his desk. That maybe his tension and fear in that moment derived from his choice to have fucked someone online that day never occurred to him. It was my fault for provoking the realization that all that fun sexy times was cheating on his wife, who just came home from an actual workday to ask, nicely, how his went.

I also go told that I was telling him his remorse was unsatisfactory. Well, yes! I needed a shit ton more apologies, work on his inability to have integrity when scared or ashamed. I was, just like in our whole marriage, viewing him as a competent capable good person. He was resentful of that expectation because he just wanted to have sexy times with lots and lots and lots of women. While eating cake, since we did have a house and kids that he also wanted.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
8 years ago

How about “We got together so young, I just never got to play the field or tour Europe.”

And “I think I am so attracted to young people because I never really got to experience the things I needed to experience as a teenager.”

And “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad at me.”

And, classic, “You aren’t giving me what I want.”

Translation of all above: “Me me, mine mine, I wanna, I wanna, WaaaaaAAAAAAH!”

Susannah
Susannah
8 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

OMG, my bio-dad said ALL of those! It’s sad it’s only now, in my thirties, that I can even begin to process what he put Mom and me through.

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

“you aren’t giving ME what I want” and “this isn’t working for ME” was x’s constant refrain during any communications after he cut and ran when our youngest turned 18.
ME ME ME ME ME ……..
Reminds me of the damned seagulls in Finding Nemo “Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine…..”
WTF , is he a two year old.
Took me reading over his Ashley Madison chats on the family computer to realize x does not love anybody or anything more than himself and his penis.
And yeah x had this annoying habit that my oldest tried to diplomatically point out to him was a bit indiscrete.
He would unconsciously (I hope) adjust himself in public and even worse while speaking with somebody. Don’t know but publicly touching his genitals seems rather rude and creepy, different from scratching his ass in public.
Further cements the image of a giant toddler in my mind.
“you aren’t giving me …… waaaaAAAH”

.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago

Skankboy would constantly adjust his balls in public to the point people would tell ME how disgusting it was to see that. When he was asleep on the couch I would find him with one hand down his pants and the other holding the remote. I will tell him about it, he’d just look at me in anger. Fuck him, glad to be away from that 12 year old.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

You know how you have two things–one in each hand, and you intend to put the keys on the counter and throw away a piece of paper, but get it backwards? Did your X ever stroke the remote, and try to adjust the volume with his …..?

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

My ex did that too, and he was a public speaker…WTF??? I have always been too ashamed to verbalize it before, but I consciously noticed it even before D-Day. Some form of mini-self-gratification??

brit
brit
8 years ago

When X would do something as routine as emptying the garbage, he would mention it to me all day, hey, did you see I emptied the garbage.. I’d reply, yes, thanks , I appreciate that. (as if he didn’t live here). About a 1/2 hour later, you know I emptied the garbage, again.., thanks.. “you’re a good helper.” I didn’t say you’re a good helper but I might have. It would go on and on. If I didn’t reply to him, he would say I didn’t appreciate him and what all he does around here…, yeah, right.

It’s always about them, me, me, I want, I don’t like, I’m better, look at me, I’m a nice guy.

Do they ever think about what anyone else might like, or not like?
There’s no question that they don’t appreciate what they have.

Natalie Can Have Him
Natalie Can Have Him
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Haha, this is so my (current, married for going on twenty years) husband! He requires extensive praise for doing the most basic of tasks. My mom has noticed it, too. It’s annoying, but. I realize how much in short supply any kind of positive reinforcement was for him as a little boy growing up in an abusive home. We have more issues than the periodical room at the Library Of Congress, but I try not to let his need for constant accolades get to me too much.

There’s enough other stuff to make me tear my hair out!

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

I don’t remember X thanking me for cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, mopping the floor etc… but then again I never asked or mentioned what I had done 20 times a day.

Mmmhmm
Mmmhmm
8 years ago

Just another chump- my cheater exh did this too!!!! I thought it was just me! Adjusting, itching, constantly complaining That out child was thumping him in the nuts when they would rough house. Ugh. I told him he just needed to always wear a cup. He was so worried about his balls

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Mmmhmm

Mmmhmm,

Funny how they value their nuts like some deranged little squirrel (MINE,MINE,MINE)

I really don’t know if x knew how distracting (revolting) this action was. I honestly don’t know if my eldest ever got through to him about his constant “adjusting”. We all know we can absentmindedly do things, scratch an itch located near our nether regions or boobs or touch/wipe around our noses or mouths but jeez rearranging the family jewels while talking to somebody (PLEASE NOTE HE DID THIS WITH PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF FAMILY).
And to realize he says he left me because “Wifey never supported him” ; yeah putting my career, friendships, extended family in the rear view mirror while putting him through school and constantly displacing my kids while he climbed his career ladder wasn’t support enough.
Really liked the comment about how he got in touch with his inner primate. Wish I could have flung some monkey doo at him.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

Just Another Chump – touching himself in public . . . kind of like a chimpanzee. Does he fling shit at people as well? He’s in touch with his inner primate!

Wren
Wren
8 years ago

???

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

“I want something different!” his reason for leaving our 20 year marriage.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Mine told me “I just saw something different” as his reason for learning our 31 year marriage. LOL.

Verity297
Verity297
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

“I just saw something better” after 30 years…

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago

When giving me one of the reasons his affair was *all my fault*, he stated, “You never even go to watch me play hockey anymore!”

Rose Red
Rose Red
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I heard this too! Yes, not going to his 11:00 pm hockey games when we had three children at home and I had to be at work at 7:30 am the next day gave him the sadz. He didn’t feel important enough. All my fault.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

My almost 50 yr old ex played Magic the Gathering …..I’m embarrassed to say that out loud. He would fly all over the country on our money playing magic card tournaments. He wanted to be good enough to play the pro tour when he retired from the fire dept.
He was always pissed that I didn’t ditch our two kids to go watch him play wherever he was flying to. He says his new schmoopie is willing to show her her love by going with him when her kids are with their prospective fathers every other weekend( 3 kids, 3 dads). He says she sits behind his chair and reads and spends time with him between rounds. He says she’s interested to learn about it, because he loves it and she loves him. . No boo, she’s willing to learn about it because you make a three figure salary and she would like the other half of the pension that I didn’t take.
Yep….forget that I raised two kids, kept a job and a house……I didn’t appreciate the magic cards….that’s where I went wrong. Lol
My ex also acted like every time he would put a dish in the sink he deserved a parade in his honor. I would stay up past midnight trying to keep up on the house sometimes, not a word from him…
Buh- bye. So glad he’s gone.

dealwithit
dealwithit
8 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Yep, this. My 52 y/o plays Mafia Wars on Facebook – he’s the godfather of a clan and everything! (said breathlessly with excited face) SMH

Bee
Bee
8 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

Smh shaking my head

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

For the life of me, I’ve seen it a million times but I don’t know what SMH means!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Months ago, someone thought it meant “slap my husband.”

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks, that’s MUCH better than what I thought. So much hatred. Or the milder expression, Shaking My Head. But, what ever works. I like the former better.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

shaking my head

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Same here, and it was roller hockey, lol. I was supposed to pay attention to the game and be his personal cheerleader instead of chasing our toddler children all around the filthy rink.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Sounds like my ex, with his “You don’t like playing board games enough,” reason for the end of the marriage. Oh, and unlike me, the OW “liked accompanying ex to business mixers”, so he claimed.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GladItsOver–the “you didn’t play enough board games” is my favorite.reason.ever for cheating. Hands down, bar none. No one else can touch its absurdity.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

OMG – I got the… “you won’t watch my shows with me…” He actually wanted me to get up at 5am to watch DVR recordings of the Walking Dead as a way to improve our intimacy as a couple.

When he left me… he bragged how the OW watches it with him and in return he watches Downton Abbey with her.

Not sure what they’ll do now that both shows are cancelled?!

With brave wings
With brave wings
8 years ago

I had almost forgotten that the ex said the same things to me about TV shows and apparently since we only had one TV in the house, he couldn’t occupy his time for 1 hour, once a week, without losing his shit. “How can you watch that? It’s so stupid! You’re an adult that watches Teen Mom and you don’t see anything wrong with that?” I mean I hated some of the shows that he liked, so instead I would play on my phone instead of constantly complaining about what he wanted to watch. Then he complained that I was on my phone too much. Can’t win.

BetterDays
BetterDays
8 years ago

OMG I got the same thing about TV shows. One of his reasons for leaving was that I don’t like the same movies and TV shows that he does. I used to watch Big Bang Theory while I folded laundry. He hated the show and you should have seen him laying on the bed (while I folded laundry!) looking daggers at me because how dare I enjoy a TV show he doesn’t like instead of watching one of his!

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
8 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

Probably sees too much of himself in Sheldon and can’t stand that he is ridiculed regularly!

BetterDays
BetterDays
8 years ago
Reply to  Pearshaped

LOL! Or should I say … Bazinga!

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

One of the things X was excited about and mentioned to me before I knew she was his AP, is that they like the same TV program, South Park, and Family Guy!
I later found out it was just one of the things they had in common. She was his something different and his someone he had more in common with than me.
20 years of marriage, a child, and family ties, life paled in comparison to watching South Park
together..,

CAGal
CAGal
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Sweet fancy moses – it’s like they take a class. I never actually saw irrefutable proof of inserting Tab A into Slot B, but DDay for me was more along the lines of I would find his car over at her place… because he would try and hide it there, and then I would turn left and find it (because he’s super lazy and bad at this). So anyway, after one round of this… I said “well what are you doing if you are not fucking her”. Him: Well we really like the same TV and movies and she will sit and watch shows with me.

.. but in the words of my friend Eric – you don’t hang out with a girl like that and not get your dick wet. So I suspicious that he was not being forthcoming.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

I was told they were on a business trip together and “watched movies”

After DDay, he said they were a better couple than he and I because they both had really similar stories of their dads farting in public when they were little kids

I shit you not…and at the time I didnt realize how childish that sounded…sweet baby Jesus

BetterDays
BetterDays
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Oh. My. God. We like totally like the same TV shows and the same bands and when we went to the mall we figured out we totally like the same flavor slushie so we only got one and drank out of The Same Straw. When you meet your soul mate, you totally just know, am I right?

Hope49
Hope49
8 years ago

I got the, “You won’t go and smoke a cigar with me!” Seriously, he thought he was SO cool cause his married cheating cunt would go to bars after work with him and smoke cigars. Fucking asshole! I was home taking care of our one year-old son while he was out with his cunt office manager.

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty, you wouldn’t watch him play hockey, eh. I hope you told him to puck off! Too bad he couldn’t keep his stick on the ice.

Chumperchipcookie
Chumperchipcookie
8 years ago

“You’re a snoop! Always looking at my text messages! How does it feel to be a snoop!?”

This was after I found a message on his phone to one of his clients telling her she had a nice ass.

He pitched the same kind of fit my teenagers would when I asked to see their phones ?

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago

My 13 yo acts like this. “Oh my Gooooooodddd, you’re so nosy!!!”. I tell her I have to get creative (I hack into her social media accounts and such) when she is not being honest with me. I usually don’t reveal my sources or tell her everything I know, but I frequently remind her of the investigative training I went through for the decade+ I was married to her father. She should be afraid.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
8 years ago

This one always gets my goat. You’re mad that I about invaded your privacy once (to find out what you were lying about) when you were lying to me for years about every promise you ever made for this relationship?

I’m with Lyn. You think you have a reason to be mad, Douchebag? Watch this.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

My husband told me it made him very angry that I got into his private journal. I came right back with, “It makes me very angry you’re in love with another woman.” He had nothing to say after that.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I wish it had occurred to me to read my ex’s journal. I trusted her completely and never for a second thought that her “recording important life events” was in reality me being evaluated and found wanting.

Sour
Sour
8 years ago

I was told by wingnut husband whom fucked the 22yr old office chick and got her pregnant after a month of fucking that his name should have been Dirk Dickler that he was born to fuck and should have made around 1000 porn movies by now. Wow just fucking wow! I am now fighting the tosser to keep my home and am raising our 3 children while he is engaged to fairy floss with baby no 2 in the way! 47 year old douche lord.

Sunny102
Sunny102
8 years ago
Reply to  Sour

I usually just lurk but I had to post after reading this! After finding out that my husband was not only cheating on me with his high school girlfriend but he was also swinging with another woman, he told “I fuck and I’m good at it!”

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny102

A friend of mine told her cheater “Dogs can fuck”.

I have no idea why these guys bother to fight getting divorced; that’s what they want, to be single, isn’t it????

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny102

You should have said, “You suck. And you’re fantastic at it.”

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago

KaPow, Annie!! That retort would’ve shot him down!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny102

They ALL think they’re “good at it”, and I told that to the last douche that uttered that drivel “I’ve yet to have a single man tell me he sucks at it, y’all just don’t realize how “not great” you are!” Idiots.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Being “good at it” is a load of crap. You know what makes sex amazing for me? Me being totally into the other person, feeling happy, feeling the other person is super into me, feeling unrushed and unstressed and open and safe and mutual and free of pressure to perform or become some stupid fantasy version of a person.

You know what makes it boring and useless for me? Some idiot being hyperfocused on his own ridiculous ego and/or performance and/or whether I am impersonating a hooker or a porn star.

You want to be good at sex? It starts with not being a narcissistic asshole.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny102

LOL, Sunny. That one takes the cake! So direct!

JeanM
JeanM
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Hey sour, yep my ex grandfather daddy, going to be a father at the ripe age of 53!
You see grandfather fucker aka scumbalina, going to be whore turned mom at 23!
My daughter 26 and son 22. We have two grandkids!
Guess that PeterPan syndrome is in for rude awakening!
More responsibilty does not make you more responsible.
Happy trails to them both!
Feel sad and pity at same time.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  JeanM

older fathers have a significantly higher rate of kids with mental health issues that manifest in early adulthood. I dont wish suffering on these kids but its real so the dads will be in their 70s with dependent children – very sad !!

JeanM
JeanM
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yes, Someone mentioned similar information regarding older men becoming parents.
Added to the fact that the 23yr old momma to be, had been baker acted a couple times. Yikes almighty talk about recipe for disaster. Makes me want to vomit.
This I might add, leads me to feel sad and pity at the same time.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Sunny – you should have looked him dead in the eye and asked “Since when?”

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago

Totally. Good one.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago

Ahahahaha, good one!

Kellia
Kellia
8 years ago
Reply to  Sour

Ahh ha ha, this guy is a certifiable nutjob. For someone who wants to fuck around, he goes and impregnates someone who was a teenager 5 minutes ago and gets engaged to marry her. Nutcase all around.

NotTodaySatan
NotTodaySatan
8 years ago

“You always say no.” To me saying that he didn’t need to spend money on another new toy for himself while we were struggling financially. He was, of course, gas lighting me and trying to make me feel guilty all while intending to purchase whatever he wanted regardless of whether I eventually came around to it.

He also legitimately threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t give him his birthday gift early. I ended up caving because I couldn’t take the dramatics.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
8 years ago

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and also the very first overnight visitation my child had with my STBX, Robert. Robert (who now happily lives a full hour away in a different state) drove my child back over to our town and took my son to a lovely lunch just blocks from our home. On Mother’s Day. Without me.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

No custody/visitation agreement in place? Mine is specific about holidays, including Mother’s/Father’s Day. I usually follow the agreement where my days are concerned. My ex skips his visitation about half the time, and has ironically missed all 3 Father’s Days since we separated.

Eve
Eve
8 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Well, we have a modified visitation schedule in place due to a finding of domestic violence. S17 must see XH for 4 hours on the 1st, 3rd and 5th Sunday from noon to 4pm in a public place. Any other visitation is at discretion of child. It was the best I could get and S17 is otherwise NC with XH. It just so happened that Mother’s Day fell on the 1st weekend this year. Can’t wait till S17 is S18 and free from Toddler Dad.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  Eve

I’m jealous you’re so close to the finish line 🙁

Eve
Eve
8 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

I hate to wish away my teen’s last year at home but every time we get a month closer to his birthday next March, he and I do a little boo-yah fist bump.

And, when I describe Toddler Dad here on the blog, he seems eye-rollingly pathetic but in real life, Toddler Dad is scary and deeply unsettling to our son. No child should have to manage life with an entitled, selfish 53-year old father who likes to emphasize the “possession” in the Possession Order.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  Eve

Sounds like your son is ready to say,”Enough!” So long as you don’t encourage his decision, there really isn’t a damn thing a judge can do when a 17 year old refuses visitation. Your son is not a party to the proceedings and, despite the antics of a few wing-nut judges, the court really doesn’t have the authority to force your son to have continued contact with his dad…but this has to be a decision he has made on his own without your influence.

Eve
Eve
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

I wish that were the case. But I have to produce child at noon or X can file a Motion to Enforce Visitation and judge will find me in contempt (fine or jail time), assess me attorney fees and give X makeup visitation time. So sayeth the judge.

So I produce. Then it’s up to Son. He does a very effective sullen and ungrateful teenage act but it costs him. The day before visitation is always horrendous at my house.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  Eve

Yes on scary. What makes them scary is that they have toddler logic, toddler whims, toddler impulse-control, toddler anger-management issues, etc. but they are in adult bodies and can be mistaken for adults. They are able to do real damage when they become enraged, and are even able to get legal backing for their vindictive actions. My experience with the court system and my toddler-ex is that there isn’t enough time/judicial attention to expose him as a selfish liar whose every deed is disguised as for the kids’ best interest, but is really to satisfy his own. He gets what he wants in court by pretending to be a loving and active father. The court swoons, ‘omg, a dad who gives a crap! Give him everything he wants!’. He gets whatever he wants for visitation on paper, thereby reducing his child support to a laughable number, only shows up half the time, and the court is none the wiser.

Eve
Eve
8 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Not trying to thread-jack here but Toddler Dad’s tantrums turned into uncontrollable narcissistic rage when he went through my bag and found the divorce attorney’s contract. He did enough real damage to enable me to get a protective order for DV. However, the judge liked his sobbing regret and deep longing to reconnect with our teenage son. Hence, the limited visitation. So now S17’s junior and senior years of high school, which are stressful enough in their own right, have become all about Disordered Dad.

Eve
Eve
8 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

My XH also took our son to lunch on Mother’s Day, with XMIL. Because “it’s 1st weekend. That means it’s my day and my right to have him.”

DS17 was so pissed off he refused to speak to Old Battleaxe, aka Grandma. Narc XH yelled and threatened. Son held firm. XH squealed the car around and dumped Son off at home, who was hungry but triumphant.

Teenage drama and toddler tantrums. Happy Mother’s Day to me.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Eve

DS17 is mighty!!! Good for him standing his ground!

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
8 years ago

Me: “How can you just walk out on your special needs daughter? She needs you.”

Him: “This is what I need.” (about the AP)

and…

Me: “So you don’t love me anymore?”

Him: “Not the way you love me.”

and…

Him: “I’ve changed.” (Regarding being married)

Me: “Well then CHANGE BACK!!!”

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

That’s just like the first excuse I heard.

I was curious!

I saw two guys doing it in (insert location of local public restroom) and it sparked an interest.

This was later changed to demonic possession. And that it was my fault for being such a negative bitch.

sadlady15
sadlady15
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Oh yes Thankful I got that too. “You’re always negative”. Yes the wife tends to be negative when hubs is being a slut ,blowing half the retirement savings; abusing lying and refusing to work. Go figure!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Ugh, what is it with cheaters and “negativity”? If I tried to point out that it was tough to make it as an actor, and maybe ex should have a day job while he tried to make it big, he would furiously brush his hands across his lap and hiss, “I’m brushing away your negativity!”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
8 years ago

“It just happened”….yeah, like accidently knocking a glass off the counter. (eye roll)

LostAndChumped
LostAndChumped
8 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I got that one, too. It was part of his reply to me asking why he chose to do what he did. “It wasn’t a choice. It just happened.”

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  LostAndChumped

Me, too. X’s last nastygram said, “Affairs happen.”

I wanted to add “and happen, and happen, and happen, and happen….”

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I got that one too nomoreskankboy, and another variant along the lines of…

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

oops didn’t work! Another try…

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

ok, no .gif for me yet, let’s go simpler, fingers crossed :)…

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Damn it – How do you attach images here? I’ve got some good ones. 🙂

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty try the following:

LynnZi
LynnZi
8 years ago

At the dinner table one night my sons jokingly asked my STBX (a 46 year old “man” if he was a nerd in high school. He jumped out of his chair, pounded his fists on the table and yelled LOUDLY “I had more friends than any of you do–COMBINED!!” and he stormed off. We didn’t know if we should be scared or start cracking up. It was alternately one of the most hilarious and most pathetic displays I’ve ever seen!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

LynnZi, my ex made a very similar statement….in a counseling session, the therapist asked us to think back to our high school years and how we felt about ourselves and relationships that may have impacted how we feel today. Ex asked what he meant so the therapist said an example would be someone who was, say a nerd, may feel like the popular girls aren’t really interested in them as boyfriends but may use them, etc. Ex jumped up and said “I wasn’t a nerd, I was a jock and all the girls wanted to be with me!”. Like you, neither of us knew what to say and the therapist didn’t bring up the question again in the next session. I assume he understood what he was dealing with by ex’s reaction.

flutterby
flutterby
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I had a similar experience with x one day, he came home and told me about how his day was going. He had just gotten some reading glasses, and he tells me, “I was walking downstairs from the office and I forgot I had my reading glasses on.” I said something to the effect that it was good that he remembered them because he worked in a grocery store and he probably would have misplaced them. He turns around and tells me that his main concern was that his co-workers would see him with those on and it would be embarrassing, because he was the “cool guy”. He was working at a grocery store, he was 44 yo and he has not been “cool” a day in his sorry life hahaha. And his “posse”, which schmoopie is included in, are some of the most unattractive, nerdy, mama’s boys you will ever find. Schmoopie has had a round with at least 2 out of the 4 mama’s boys in his posse, but let the coolness prevail!!!! Who in the hell thinks of themselves as the “cool guy” anyway…idiots all of them!!!!

Christina
Christina
8 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

WOW. That’s amazing. What an emotionally secure person…

Kellia
Kellia
8 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

Your son is more of a man than your STBX.

Kellia
Kellia
8 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Sorry, your sons.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago

Here are a couple of good ones. Cheater or child?

1. “I do what I do.”
2. “If you don’t want to see, don’t look.”
3. “I was afraid you wouldn’t let me go fishing.”
4. “I don’t want to tell you.”
5. “I don’t know why I did it.”

There’s a good mix of both cheater and child in there! Hard to tell the difference, isn’t it?

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

After making a $20g purchase without telling me, he said – I make all the money and I can spend it any damn way I want! waaahhh

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

And the classic “You can’t tell me what to do” and “I know something you don’t know.”

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

This beloved phrase that came my way one fateful day: ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’.

Yeah, and what HE didn’t know was I had just gone to the courthouse and filed a notice of eviction on his ass.

30 days later, his ass was removed from my lovely Hill Country ranch. His next home was the homeless shelter…hehehehehe

Don’t try to be funny with me, asshole.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

I love reading that last sentence while looking at the sweet smiling face in your picture!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Yes, she looks so sweet and adorable and then you look at her nom de Chump: Hesatthecurb.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
8 years ago

When I filed adultery as a second count charge as part of my divorce complaint after the original filing, he counter filed with “You were well aware of the timeline of when you first filed, you just doing this as retaliation for my challenging the pre-nup”

UBT Baby Translator: Stop holding me accountable, waaaaahhhhhaaaaaa… sadz face

Christina
Christina
8 years ago

Mine lied to me and told me he was in Witchita for work. When I figured out he was still actually in DC, I went to his office. That morning we had been texting and I told him we were out of coffee at the house, he said “I have a 5lb bag at the office, I’ll swing by and get it on my way home (from the “airport”)”. So when I went to his office, I used grabbing a bag of coffee beans as an excuse, but waited to confront him patiently about why he was lying to me (here, I continued to be lied to and gas lighted). I took the coffee with me, and back to the house, when I left (thinking, “we’re going to laugh about this someday”).

Four weeks later, when I was moving out and taking the full force of his name-calling, devaluing, demeaning behavior… He was drinking the coffee which I had put in the cabinet, and he said, “And you stole a bag of coffee from my office. You’re a thief!!”

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Christina

I think this warrants a new CL blog on “false equivalencies.”

Idle hands
Idle hands
8 years ago
Reply to  Christina

You just cannot make this stuff up!

ihavewings
ihavewings
8 years ago

Fuckwit arrived home one day, looked at me and said “I’ve been a bad boy”. He was 50 at the time.

Jumper
Jumper
8 years ago
Reply to  ihavewings

After finding out he cheated on a trip, he was making arrangements to go on another trip with same guy friend.

Me: I thought we agreed you would not go on this trip with Fuckbuddy?
Him: I’ll be a good boy (65 @ the time)

Yuck.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  ihavewings

How would it be possible to ever have sex again with a “man” who would say that?

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  ihavewings

UGH. I heard my uncle say that after admitting a 10 year affair with a young woman with which he had a child, while still married to my aunt. They’d been married 50 years when she found out.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
8 years ago

“I wanna do what I wanna do!!!” (with emphasis on the second “I.”

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

After kicking cheater out and him begging me to go with him to MC so we could ‘work through this’, I asked several times over several weeks if we could sit down and talk about the situation. Each time, he had an excuse or suggested that we go to dinner, a movie, etc. instead. When I finally insisted that we talk, he adamantly said “No, I just want to do fun things”. Imagine a toddler stomping his foot and saying that – which is exactly what it was like.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Nothing to work with there.

Jenpen
Jenpen
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

This…I just want to have fun…if I die tomorrow I don’t want talking about our marriage or counseling to be the last thing I do! as well as, but I like being secretive, sneaky and living, people like me when I lie, don’t you want people to like me? Last one, “I don’t think you like me!” When I asked again, before DDay, about our complete lack of sex and affection on his end for the past ten years….this I heard for about three years. That and, “Do you think I know?? Do you think I’m purposely doing this to you?? What kind of person do you think I am?” Gasp. Jerk.

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  Jenpen

Yeah. I heard a lot about “can’t we just forget about all of it (multiple infidelities) and move on with our lives? Why do you have to keep that look on your face all the time? Of course when we go out I’m going to notice attractive women and it does things in my brain. Get over it!”

This was Mother’s Day when my husband wouldn’t stop staring at every piece of ass passing by us. Yeah, I might have looked quite depressed and just wanted to go home.

“How many days are you going to wreck over this?”

Alexandra
Alexandra
8 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Also, it was my first Mother’s Day. I hate Mother’s Day now. He wrecked the next year too. Got really Verbally Abusive and then tried refusing to take me to Mother’s Day Brunch that my parents had paid for. What a dope, as of he was going to show up to Mother’s Day Brunch with my parents, WITHOUT ME. Seriously.

LynnZi
LynnZi
8 years ago

Yet another display from my STBX: On Fathers Day two years ago he was gone all day in a fishing trip with “the guys” abd does not invite our 16 year old twin boys who love to fish. I had made a dinner of all his favorites that was waiting for him when he came home drunk. After dinner he said he was going to nap because it was a long day “fishing”. I told him to let me know when he wanted dessert and I would make up strawberry shortcake (his fave). 10pm and he’s still crashed, so I go to bed. The next day he called his Mom and started whining to her ” she didn’t even make me my dessert in Fathers Day! I had no dessert!!” Waaaah, waaaah, waaaah crybaby. Turns out “fishing trip” is code for screwing the skanky OW. What a guy!

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  LynnZi

Every year on my ex’s birthday I used to make him pineapple upside down cake. It had to be made in a skillet just like his mom made, and it took me years to perfect the recipe. The last year I was so proud because the cake came out perfect. I remember carrying it carefully up the stairs to show him how I’d finally gotten it perfect.

When I was moving out, I tore up that recipe in tiny little pieces and left it on the counter.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I surprised my ex by making her a cake for her birthday one year, using her family’s recipe. I’m not much of a baker, so when the recipe called for a cup of vinegar for the icing, I went with it. Needless to say it was horrible; turns out the “cup” of vinegar was actually a “cap” where the top of the a hadn’t been closed as written.

I was bound and determined to get it right, so I started the process over and got it right the second time. She said she was touched, as I was the first boyfriend or husband to ever have made her a birthday cake. It might not have been much, but in the midst of a severe depressive spell it seemed like a major accomplishment to me. Six months later she left me.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago

If a man baked me a cake and accidentally used a cup of vinegar in the frosting I would be utterly charmed. 🙂

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

How you doin?

In all seriousness, thanks! I thought it was gonna be one of those things we laughed about together 40 years from now. I mean, I still get some mileage telling the story, but the loss of the shared history aspect stings. Oh well. Still had cake :oP

Free Vixen