Cheater Ex Has Cancer, She Has Conflicted Feelings
Her cheater ex has kidney cancer and she feels terrible that she doesn’t feel terrible. If anything, she hates that her children are showing compassion for him.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My ex cheated 20 years ago at massage parlours, maintained a porn addiction since and then left me for a woman 15 years younger three years ago.
My heart was broken and my life fell apart.
I picked up the pieces and am ‘getting there’ now. I’ve started dating again. I am 63. I’ve proved to myself that I can manage alone and am better without a FW. I have four grown-up sons and six grandkids.
After the betrayal, the relationship between my sons and their wives and their Dad was frosty. They all told him exactly what they thought of his behaviour. I was glad he got a rollicking from them and has lost out on all the lovely family times we used to have. I liked that they were mad at him and seeing him infrequently.
Now, they tell me, the relationship with the affair partner has ended and he has got kidney cancer. And he is in a lot of pain and might need an operation.
I feel terrible because something in me is glad about the karma.
But also I’m jealous of the kindness and attention he is now getting from our sons. They feel pity for him, are taking him to hospital appointments, taking meals round for him as he can’t move easily.
I feel like a monster for having these feelings. I guess I’m jealous of the attention he’s getting. Truth is, I don’t want them to forgive him and ‘let him off the hook’ just because he’s ill. He still betrayed me and rode roughshod over me and has never apologised.
Can you help me sort myself out? Or tell me off or something?
Thanks
40 Years with a FW
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Dear 40 Years with a FW,
Why would I tell you off? You raised decent human beings. Whatever their feelings about their father, they’re showing up for him when he’s sick and vulnerable. Regardless of whether or not he deserves it. I think that’s less of “letting him off the hook” and more an expression of their values.
If they wanted to go no contact and let him change his own bedpans, that would be a different discussion. But I think most people, even with the worst parents, feel a filial duty that’s very difficult to sever. As I write here often, their relationship with their dad is THEIR business. If they forgive him, if they begrudgingly take him to his chemo with simmering resentment, whatever, it’s their feelings to work out.
I think it’s more likely that they see your ex as the big life loser.
He’s sick. (You’re not.) Schmoopie left him. (You’re dating.) He crashed and burned, you’re rebuilding your life. Heck, you have a life to rebuild. He could very well be at the end of his.
None of this is fair and I doubt very much like you feel like the winner. “Forty Years with a FW” says it all. But to your adult children, it may appear very different. You’re the steady, sane parent and he’s a hot mess.
For 40 years, he abused his power. He enjoyed his secret sexual basement and his wife appliance. It was good to be king. Now like every deposed despot, he’s pathetic. Think of Saddam Hussein cowering in a dirt hole.
The mighty tyrant has fallen!
But you will never forget how you suffered when he was in power. When others see a feeble man in a ditch.
I feel terrible because something in me is glad about the karma.
You’re entitled to your schadenfreude. You earned every complicated feeling. I just wouldn’t dwell there because your new life, with freedom, sanity, and grandchildren deserves more of your attention than your ex’s kidneys.
Thank God you’re out.
Can you imagine having to caregive a man who was checked out with his affairs for 40 years? The burden and the ingratitude of that? Your ex bought and paid for every. single. consequence.
And I do not mean cancer. That’s not Karma, that’s cells dividing weirdly. I mean the consequence of devaluing real show-up love for a Schmoopie who bailed. Because of course she did. He found someone as transactional as he is.
But also I’m jealous of the kindness and attention he is now getting from our sons. They feel pity for him, are taking him to hospital appointments, taking meals round for him as he can’t move easily.
What a tragedy. Your ex spent his best years checked out on those sons, prioritizing his wandering dick. Prostitution, affairs, and addictions take time and money. Now, this is the time they have left. They deserved a better father and they got this one.
Meanwhile, you have years of family get togethers. The spoils of legacy and grandchildren. Whatever your flaws, your history with your children isn’t poisoned.
Truth is, I don’t want them to forgive him and ‘let him off the hook’ just because he’s ill.
You don’t control that. And if they forgive him or not, it doesn’t change the trajectory of his life. Or yours.
He still betrayed me and rode roughshod over me and has never apologised.
I’m sorry. He sucks. And how’s that working out for him?
40 Years with a FW,
The mere fact that you are questioning your own feelings in this matter and that you admit to feeling conflicted shows your compassion and humanity.
There is no simple answer to the situation that you find yourself in, however my advice would be that you continue to maintain as much detachment from your FW as you can, but do so congnisant of the fact that your (now adult) children will be likely finding this difficult. They know who their father is and what he has done (to you and them), but they will also be aware that his is sick and probably very frightened. It is absolutely possible for them to want to show him some degree of support and kindness without forgiving him (or condoning what he did) in the slightest.
Be there for them, but with boundaries put in place to avoid you getting drawn in to the wider situation with your FW.
LFTT
“You’re entitled to your schadenfreude. You earned every complicated feeling.”
The FW’s behavior and double life created this. The schadenfreude is from having sorted out that he sucks and wishing him every consequence for his actions. The fact that you once loved him with your whole heart and that you love your children and grandchildren so deeply creates the complicated feelings. It’s hard to see the family you love seem to be so taken in by this person you know sucks. But really, they know he sucks and they are trying to manage his end of life in a peaceful way. Their DNA has made them feel obligated to this being in spite of him being a FW.
As LFTT said, the fact you are struggling with these feelings is a big sign you are a good person. You know the reality of FW. Treat the kids like you would if they were teens with a lot of “bummer” and “wow.” You don’t need to hear the details of their support efforts more than necessary. FW is somebody you used to know. Shared history and all that. He made you suffer. Only a saint would not feel a level of satisfaction at his schmoops running off just when he needed a nurse. Thank goodness it isn’t you.
P.S. If you are in the U.S., you may want to call Social Security to see if your ex spouse widow benefits will be higher than what you collect on your own record.
I feel for you. I was with FW for 37 years, he discarded me like a dirty tissue – all the post-separation abuse. My adult children were disgusted with how he treated them. Two years later 3 of them see their father occasionally, my second son has refused to have anything to do with him. Now ex has prostate cancer. It was a weird feeling to find out – I felt nothing for my ex, just immediately concerned for my children. Ex is playing the perfectly turned sad sausage with them – dinners out (I can’t afford to take them out and foot the bill), etc. I’ve felt just as you do – at one point thinking maybe if I get cancer they’ll pay more attention. Then I realise that’s my little child inside feeling the injustice, feeling insecure and jealous. Once I got past that I realised that my kids care about me so much. They’ve been there for me and are relaxing now they see how hard I’ve worked to make a new happy life. My precious time with my kids and grandkids is full of fun and laughter, the kids are closer and we have a good family life. He has none of that. It’s surface stuff – they acknowledge that, but it’s complicated. You can dislike bad behaviour in parents and really not like them, but there is an innate need to love and seek the love of your parent however shitty they are. It’s been a couple of months now and I’m at peace with it now. Their relationship with him will never come close to their relationship with me. I’m the one they come to when things get tricky and their father just doesn’t have those skills. They realise that I did a lot of the heavy lifting in the family relationships. I hope he will do the work to make things better with them, although I doubt it. I would like them to have a good relationship with him as neither me or my ex grew up with a father. I really get how you feel. It is a gut wrench sometimes, but it won’t take away from your relationship. As CL says, you raised loving, kind people. Give your inner little girl a big hug and tell her well done. She did just great. X
Thank you Kate that is so helpful
You feel bad because of THOUGHTS and FEELINGS, which are things that happen to you and out of your control. How you RESPOND to them is what you have control over. Your ensuing ACTIONS are what you are responsible for.
If you were a bad person, you wouldn’t feel terrible.
Your former husband and his side pieces didn’t give a flying F about actually hurting you and your children with their INTENTIONAL ACTIONS.
The involved children get the worst seats in the infidelity house IMHO. The loyalty issues created by cheating are a torturous mindf**k, and I have great sympathy for any child of any age who has to navigate that. I believe their position is far worse than mine to reconcile. Ending a relationship ethically is painful but does not put your children’s head in a vise and tighten it like cheating does.
Children have a different relationship than I with the cheater, which I keep foremost in mind. It’s an awful bayonet wound to deal with.
At the end of the day, I want to support however my daughter feels because I have no idea what it’s like to be in her shoes. I just know that it’s awful and I don’t want to compound the mindf**k head vise situation her dad put her in.
Most of all, I don’t want her to be like him, and I don’t want her to be like the side pieces. Despite however I may feel, I end up being grateful for any behavior which shows that she isn’t.
❤️
40 Years,
What a big pile of icky feelings. As others have said, the very fact that you find these feelings icky says everything we need to know about your good character.
You raised good humans, no thanks to him.
I would like to offer an alternate perspective. Maybe they aren’t doing this for him at all. Sometimes we are faced with sticky situations and we have to choose the option WE can live with. They see a FW that is ill and has no support. They may not think he deserves the support at all, but maybe they just don’t want to risk feeling regret over NOT helping him. You can think someone sucks and is getting what they have coming to them (ie dump your loyal wife for a flightly AP and when you need help, you have no one) and still feel like the right thing for YOU is to help.
I’m shocked — shocked, I tell you! — that Schmoopie peaced out.
I’m so satisfied about that I can tell you
Thanks for replying Tracy, your clear-sightedness is appreciated as always. Yes, he found someone ‘as transactional as he is’ I am delighted it fell apart, especially after I had to endure hearing about how she understood him blah blah