Cheater Goggles
One thing that never ceases to amaze me, in all the letters I receive, and all the chump/cheater stories I read, is how cheaters so universally think they are devastatingly sexy.
Now, given the law of averages, I’m sure some cheaters are, in fact, devastatingly sexy. But the majority are not. I mean, the majority of any of us cannot be perfect specimens, but for some reason cheaters — cheater who are trolls, cheaters with goiters, cheaters carrying 200 extra pounds, cheaters with back hair, limp-dick cheaters, cheaters with saggy pendulous breasts, cheaters with neck tattoos, cheaters with deformities, hunchback cheaters, clubfoot cheaters, cheaters with puss-infected sores, cheaters with gout, cheaters with male pattern baldness, cheaters with pink eye, cheaters with saddlebags, pock-marked cheaters, amputee cheaters, frizzy-haired cheaters, Stephen-Hawking-in-a-Fucking-Wheelchair cheaters — believe they are irresistibly attractive.
Catnip! Femme fatales! Ricco Suave!
How do I know this? Evidence! I’m sure all you chumps have uncovered evidence of affairs, seen the sexts, and thought “WTF?” and then “Ewwww.”
Anthony Weiner and his dick pix, case in point. What possesses a man who looks like a sunken-chested marmot to think women want to see his Y-fronts? That’s some delusional confidence you have there, Sir.
My husband does employment law and you should see the sexual harassment cases. Some skeevy guy sends pictures of his butt to a coworker — a middle-age butt, a butt with visible cellulite, a butt that is probably a butt best kept to one’s self. And yet somehow this person was brazen enough to think that some poor woman would be overcome with lust by the sight of it. WTF narcissists? What are you THINKING?!
I think they’re thinking it occasionally works. You send enough ugly butt pictures to enough women, you eventually find the weak antelope in the herd who will take you up on it, if you’re not brought up on harassment charges first.
Look, I know cheating is about ego kibbles. I know it’s about how the affair partner makes them feel. It’s fantasy and limerence. And I know I am trying to apply logic to the batshit crazy, but I’d like to think if I was bold enough to try and seduce strangers that I’d have something to work with. That I was, actually, in fact, devastatingly attractive.
Because for ordinary mortals, seduction is an awkward dance of getting to know one another. Fun, exciting, absolutely. But, if you have any sense at all, fraught with some insecurities. Does this dress make my ass look fat? Will he like me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
But narcissists? God DAMN. No adaptive anxiety whatsoever! Consider Newt Gingrich. Multiple affairs! How can there be enough weak antelopes in the herd to EVER countenance even touching Newt Gingrich with a barge pole? (If antelopes had barge poles or higher thoughts… I am mixing my metaphors…) But my point is — he is ODIOUS.
And yet Newt Gingrich gets laid. Go figure.
I’ve only ever seen my husband’s serial cheating ex-wife once. (Thank you, Jesus.) I don’t know what I was expecting, but I guess I thought she’d be more than she was — a pudgy, redneck-looking woman in magenta pedal pushers. Yes, pedal pushers. Magenta. A look no one should try and pull off. Especially a short, fat woman whose thighs are probably not her best feature. However, they did match her henna-ed hair.
It wasn’t a pretty picture. And if she was an ordinary person of good character, it would be vicious of me to attack her drunken gypsy dress sense. It would be totally un-Christian of me to think “mutton dressed as lamb” and wonder why the plus-sizes come in magenta. (Misogyny? Color-blindness? Spite?)
But she isn’t a good person, she’s a serial cheater utterly lacking in shame. (Clearly. Pedal pushers.) So hey, meow. I’m sure she’d probably have a few choice words for me. (I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I’m too busy enjoying this wonderful man you chucked for a troll priest you met on World of Warcraft.)
Anyway, doesn’t it blow your mind the way cheaters see each other through drunk goggles of narcissism? Why yes you are the most clever, ravishing, brilliant, sexy beast I’ve ever had the pleasure of blowing in a Walmart parking lot!
This phenomena is best summed up in the exchange on the Soulmate Schmoopie video series:
“Your dick is perfect.”
“Yes, my dick is perfect.”
And here is the sad, chumpy thing — we would have loved them imperfections and all. We looked past the stretch marks, the halitosis, and the socks with sandals. We loved with our whole hearts. No drunk narcissist goggles for chumps. At least physically anyway. (We have other chump goggles — we see goodness and best intentions where they don’t exist.)
And the sad flip side. We thought we were enough. We thought raising their children, bringing home our paychecks, nursing their sick mothers, sublimating our needs, and living side by side with them each day bonded us. That they could look past our human faults and aging bits and love us back whole heartedly.
But we were traded for the delusional sensation of feeling devastatingly sexy.
CL, that last line gave me the chills. We were traded for a “feeling.” And a deluded one at that.
CL,
You
FUCKING
NAILED
IT
Yes! Yes! Yes! (Like) deluded “feelings” is right.
Or as I was told, “I confused the intensity of the message with its validity”.
Well, at least that shows some insight!! Insight from a cheater is almost as scarce as a unicorn sighting.
He’s trying. I come here to keep it real.
What does that even mean?
That the enthusiasm with which the mow showered my dbag was in fact smoke & mirrors. Blowing a married man and telling him he’s awesome did not in fact mean he was awesome.
Oh I agree Wiser Finally! My STBXH told me he wrestled with his heart and his head! My question is which head and I’m pretty sure there is a void where your heart should be! He told me, “she makes me feel happy”. Well, okay then! Hope he’s still happy when he’s broke from his divorce!!
Chump Lady, I often have pondered this. After all, Mr. Sexy wears glasses, a hearing aid, full dentures( with halitosis), has a paunch and toe nail fungus due to poor circulation! Not to mention his very large collection of meds he must take! Pushing 60 this year in a very bad way, he has suffered a hernia since performing “new” bedroom gymnastics with his chubby lil Schmoopie and has all the requisite hair growing from his orifices! Don’t get me started on the over weight, short, Menopausal POS he took up with! Guess when you “hook up”
On Facebook with your Twu wuv (read: I’m available to meet you in a hotel room cause my husband travels and I’m willing to screw total strangers) you get what you get! Oh! This wild thing called “love” that just grabs ahold of them after
Three days of screwing each other!
sadly my WH is physically and financially fit. no debt. handsome, has a nice head of hair. lovely teeth, think of a handsome john macenroe. great lover. always joked about if he ever had an affair he would trade up and he did…. all young fit hookers/escorts and his pretty woman (or hook up on some meeting site) that became a long term something. I fit the other scenario… sagging everything. not fat, not ugly, just aging. I am fit. but no longer 20-30. but at least no hair growing out of my ears. he does have that. so freaking depressing. I would be able to laugh if they were old fat bags of jello flesh and thunder thighs but no…
Willow, everyone on the planet is aging. Maybe you are dead accurate in your evaluation of his level of attractiveness, but it’s likely that you are hyper-aware of your own changes as you age. Let’s think about the Tiffany window metaphor. Those windows are old. I watch HGTV shows and feel amazed that perfectly lovely older homes must be gutted and “updated” because they are “dated.” Of course you are older. So is your H. The difference is that he is showing his age less externally, as you see it, but his character is impaired. I’ll take my aging face and my good character any day. Think about how much your view of yourself is a product of your H’s distance, disengagement, and cheating. Part of being married is reflecting back your partner’s beauty.
The effects of plastic surgery won’t last forever, and when it fails, it will crash and burn.
Ten bucks says his whores are doing precisely that.
Also, who the fuck decent cares about outside looks anyway? Its what inside, and between the ears, that counts – and I can bet with certainty he has neither personality nor true intellect.
Willow I agree with the posters above and include the saying “Pretty is as Pretty does.” Or I guess in this case of your ex “Ugly is as ugly does.” Let’s face it, his actions will catch up to him and it won’t matter how good looking he is, anybody who sees him for what he truly is won’t touch him with a ten foot pole. By the time his karma catches up with him, you will be past the point of caring.
Oh WillowChump-I understand how you feel. I’m sure that all the barely legal hookers/escorts/massage parlor workers that stbx is/has been seeing are far younger and prettier than I am. Stbx isn’t good looking but now gives the appearance of money which makes the gold diggers & young girls come running. I know he will be quick to shack up with one of the pay-for-play girls because he can’t be alone…………saddest thing for me is knowing that my son’s future step-mom will be an underage sex worker.
Honey, one thing I can guarantee…. is that eventually the outside will match the inside. Folks who practice selfishness and deceit as a lifestyle,,….. trust me it catches up with them. How do I know? I watched my parents, both of them malignant narcissists, both of whom were very attractive people when they were young, melt into there true repulsive selves as they got older…..not a pretty sight. No one can beat age and the inner person starts to show, sooner or later…..
Whoops….their…..not there….
I once knew a gynecologist who said some of the prettiest girls have really awful, smelly, dripping-with-exudate bits down there when they’re up in the stirrups. So I wouldn’t even think twice about those young pretty thangs…
Amen Tessie.
Willowchump, you do know that it does not matter how good looking or charming he is. He is a whoremonger. Pretty name. Also, remember that Ted Bundy was good looking and a charmer. One of the happiest marriages I know is between a beautiful woman and a homely man, who has a beautiful soul. Goodness trumps good looking every time.
Older, uglier, no class, uneducated, barely literate serial cheater. That was the mow. It’s awful any way you serve it up. The difference is we are beautiful through and through, and they are hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Very disappointing once you crack them open. And that doesn’t age well. My h is handsome and well dressed and successful. And he chose a butt ugly mouth breather, go figure. Ugly always rises to the surface no matter what, just like good does. A young pretty whore turns into a 50 yr old who blows her boss in a cheap hotel. It’s not sexy for either party, lol. Our window of good doesn’t ever slam down.
Thanks, CL! I was laughing and saying “preach on sister” while reading this until I got to the last 2 paragraphs. Then I realized there it all was…summed up perfectly! Thanks once again! Love ya, CL! Hugs to Chump Nation.
I think I’m going to send this column to my STBX.
Don’t send it – he will make all manner of excuses for how the rules don’t matter for him, and then you’ll lose your safe haven for when the shit hits the fan. And then use it against you.
Fuck him and the whores he rode in on.
Don’t send it. Your STBX will think it doesn’t apply, and that you’re just jealous. NC NC NC!! Stop trying to engage the cheater. It just gets you dirty, and the pig likes it.
i agree HM. I would definitely not bother sending a cheater anything that makes sense!! What’s the point? This stuff is totally lost on them.
What’s the point? He/She won’t be able to ‘get it’.
A good one today. Love the video… the Avatar voices help bring out the ridiculousness of it all…
Freaking brilliant CL!
That website is hysterical! I wonder what happened to Moonlocks. But I guess you can run out of material. It was brilliant!
When he first met the Whore de Jour he told me that she was good for him and enjoyed being with him. She understood him. I said, “she likes you because she thinks you have money. You play golf 4 times a week, spend all of your free time drinking at the bar, drive a nice car, live in a great house……what she doesn’t know is you are maxed on your credit cards, have two mortgages, all cars are leased. Not exactly the story you are selling her is it?”
Now I think of him in their tiny apartment, bag of potato chips sitting on his stomach, remote next to him, constant sports center loop, after divorce with no money singing “How you like me now!” Sorry but the bitch deserve exactly what she got!
Oh yes, constant sports centre loop! Our whole married life was dictated by sports. It wasn’t just a hobby, it was an obsession. TV sports and sport talk radio were a constant and then four different fantasy sports teams a year which involved many nights “out with the guys”. I accepted it and learned to live with it. I even got into some of it so we could enjoy a common interest. I supported his love of it. Trips had to be scheduled at certain times “just in case” his team got into the playoffs. I wonder how long his new “love” will put up with everything taking a back seat to it.
I know felt a sense of incredulity. His LT MOW is a pig in lipstick. Literally. 50 yr old, 200lbs+ of entitled selfish fat hawking Mary Kay cosmetics. When I first did the CSI stuff to understand WHO this clown was, her initial social media pic for her MK sales was a very old glamour shot. Her actual self, which she promotes heavily on FB, is a pig in a black muumuu or Hawaiian shirt playing golf- in a cart.
Yea. Nothing too special except she is an experienced serial cheater, swinger and purveyor of “FUN!!!!” My cheater had decades long FUN!!!! and ironically too, Roberta, has created a lower abdominal herinia from lifting his hefty pig into replications of 50 Shades of Grey. Not kidding about that.
It doesn’t matter if these people are physical attractive, there is something intrinsically ugly about them that seeps to the outside. Lack of character is ugly.
EWWWW! ANC you paint a picture in my mind that will make it difficult to eat today! Ha! Ha! Ha! But I know what you mean, looks wise! These dickheads affaired down big time!
And intelligence. Really. These people are freaking stooopid. They did their cost-benefit scenario with beer goggles. It’s not just monetary loss, it’s loss of respect too. My cheater is much more concerned about how people perceive him as a Good Guy. The props, car, house, flashy trips, are part of his illusion.
Don’t even get me started on the monetary loss thing! OMG, yes they are stupid as can be! My STBXH and his Schmoopie are always trying to get me to just roll over and give them everything! They can dream on! I actually saw a copy of her divorce and what she got! Stupid doesn’t EVEN cover it! She got hosed, but my STBXH tells me how smart she is! Ha! Ha! Ha! Sorry, got to go laugh my way to the bank!!!!!
which is why they belong together Roberta!
Amen!
If you lie enough, you soon believe your own press. I don’t find it that shocking that cheaters have such goggles. They are trapped in their own lies. And they already have demonstrated a willingness to choose fantasy over real life. Someone with substance and character lives in the truth. Lies might work for a season but reality wins in the end…it’s the 600lbs sumo wrestler reminding them what they did “in the morning.” Reality doesn’t go away ultimately.
I hope this is true. Shortly before leaving my EH said he was “not really a Catholic”. I believe this is because he was planning on breaking a sacrament. I’m quite sure he has not shared this information with anyone else and will attend church whenever a family occasion calls for it. I often wonder what will be going through his mind as he sits there, the ultimate hypocrite.
DM, “Reality doesn’t go away ultimately”. I agree wholeheartedly! These fools know it deep inside themselves, but they also believe they are clever enough to side step that reality and it’s consequences! Makes me happy to believe in a higher power! Sooner or later they will face the UGLY truth! No getting around it!
Great post Tracy! Like the others, the last few paragraphs were spot on for me.
Here’s a story of mine that sorta fits the theme today.
MC: “think about how your teenage relationships may have impacted where you are today in your relationship”
Cheater (with blank stare): “I don’t understand’
MC: “some people are shy or nerdy in HS and don’t have girlfriends/boyfriends like others so they feel the need to make up for that later in life, etc.”
Cheater: “oh that wasn’t me at all. All the HS girls wanted me. I just didn’t have time for all of them.”
Me and MC (blank stare).
Funny, when we met at the age of 19, he told me he had only been with one girl in HS one time and even that story sounded a little sketchy.
um, yeah, that would be my STBX. Nerdy and unpopular in high school. 40 years later sought out the one girl in HS who would have anything to do with him. Now they’re busy recreating what “should have been”. Gah! so happy to be out of that freaky circus.
Well, stbx fits in here too. Scrawny skinny in high school, his own family had nicknamed him Pinocchio because of his looks and his ex-wife left in less than a year (smart girl) He used steroids to gain 50 pounds of muscle & had nose surgery before good old me came along. He used to say too bad he didn’t have more size in high school. He is goes through periods of obsessing on his weight & physique (just like a girl) and always looks at himself in the mirror. He has started taking selfies at the gym. He’s back to tanning again. He actually said to me that he wants other people to look at him & see how in shape he is for his age (47) He used to dye his goatee until it became so grey that the dye wouldn’t cover it.
Narcissist much?
This is my ex to a tee (T?). Anyway, gigantic DORK in high school, girls wouldn’t give him the time of day. No real adult relationships until he met me. Now he’s trying to make up for lost time.
On another point, someone once pointed out to me that we are ALL trying to be the person we couldn’t be in high school. Haha, I joined a coed flag football team a few years back and the way these suburban, middle aged men dominated us — well obviously they were taking this a bit more seriously than we were. I guess they were either still trying to be the jocks in high school or desperately trying to hang on to the glory of their high school jock days. Is there *anything* more pathetic than someone who peaked in high school??? — Well, maybe someone who is still trying to impress the people from high school 😉
HM, my cheater was a scrawny jock in HS. We grew up in separate states so I’m just going on what he’s told me and pictures I’ve seen. After we married at 22, he played on a city league softball team for a number of years but after reading your post, you’re probably right – it was just to re-live his HS days.
Exactly, SS! Mine wasn’t in debt cause I handled the finances, but he sits on his ass all day reading, listening to baseball, football etc. Watches movies, and then watches them over and over again! He just about lives in her incredibly tiny condo she got in her divorce. I know he sits around stuffing his face with garbage food, has absolutely no refined manners, so if food rolls onto his chin or undershirt, that’s where it stays! Then he’ll sleep in the same undershirt! SEXY! Old girl is in for an awakening! I’m just going to sit back and giggle and enjoy our 2400 sf plus home on over an acre and travel! Thank God she came along and solved my problem of where to dump the lump! She will find he wants to go no where because in addition to all his other above stated problems, he has severe COPD. He was told to stop smoking 2 years ago, but refused, he hates to go anywhere if he can’t smoke and sit on his butt!! If you do travel he insists that you drive so he can read and nap! Then you had better find a hotel that allows smoking in the room or you won’t hear the end of his bitching! Yeah! I wish her luck! Ha! Ha! Ha!
What is it with them watching the same movies over and over again, anyway? Are they trying to pick up acting tips? Build a personality?
My cheater looked extremely young for his age and was relatively handsome, if you looked beyond the male pattern baldness, pot belly, one cauliflower ear, tusklike eyeteeth, and his decision to grow scraggly hair on his face to make up for the hair he suddenly started shaving off his scrotum and groin (another one trying to recapture his high school self? NOT a turn-on. It reminded me of Thanksgiving for some reason, but I felt anything but thankful!). Well, I was willing to look beyond those things for a long time, because no one’s perfect. And when he wants to sparkle, there are few who do it better.
But the thing I miss least about him is his smokeless tobacco habit. Some men use snuff and swallow their saliva. Not my baby! Just couldn’t stomach it. So he would carry around a vessel – an empty can, a Solo cup, a rinsed-out jar – to hold his precious spit. Imagine: lidless containers of tobacco-laden spit, which he would sit on the living room floor or the dining room table or the kitchen counter, and leave for me to empty even though (because) he knew that it disgusted me. And if it got spilled, he’d just throw some paper towels or a newspaper or one of the good towels down into the mess and ‘forget’ to clean it up. Pig city.
Writing this, I remembered: His uber-narcissistic mother came to visit us in the early years of our marriage, and managed to ruin a beautiful couch I had by sitting a full cup of coffee down on its back and oopsie! When I think back on how she blatantly cuckolded his stepfather with her ‘friends’, I’m convinced it was my baby’s life-long goal to out-c*nt his mother. We all need goals, I guess.
Ok, my ex used to occasionally shave his junk and I always said, idk why but it reminded me of a turkey! So gross.
My belly laughs hurt with my bad back, today. Keep it down, Roberta.
HA HA HA HA HA
What a visual…HA HA HA HA HA
Glad you are feeling great. You sound wonderful.
Roberta, you are on FIRE today… your visuals are killing me! If anyone has ever landed on the upside of a divorce, it has to be you. Thanks for the belly laughs this morning!
Except for the smoking, Roberta, you described Cheater #1 to a tee. Separated at birth, perhaps? BWHAHAHAHA!
What I notice now, 13 years after divorcing him, is that no woman, from the OW on down, stayed with his fat, scraggly ass more than two years. Seems to be the limit on tolerance of his BS.
Anything is possible, but these dickheads are just your average cheaters and narcs who think we owe them just everything to have the honor of their presence!! Aren’t You glad someone else is dazzled now? Good Luck Schmoopie!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! OMG! She who laughs last REALLY DOES laugh best! Who knew???
I’m here to tell you all I’m feeling better than ever! My Dad used to say that everything happens for a reason and I’m beginning to think he was right! Here I sit in my surgeons office and I’ve never felt better! Kicked cancers butt and in a few days will face off with the idiot and I’m feeling good about dumping his ass! Life is truly good folks!!
Roberta, my goodness! GOOD for you!!!
You’re free now and it’s time to open the windows (well maybe wait til Spring) and let the good days in! It’s refreshing to hear how things are looking up for you.
YAY for you Roberta!!!
Wow Roberta! Sounds like she did you a huge favor!!!
Because there will always be some ‘schmoopie’, to endorse their self-perception (deception?). You stopped believing? Onto the next one. There is no need to face reality. Did anyone ever see that episode of 30 Rock, when Liz dates that guy who exists in the beautiful bubble? It’s kind of like that. As long as there are some poor, sad, insecure wingnuts out there (and there always will be) to validate them, they can continue to believe whatever they want!
HM…….you’re statement of ‘onto the next one’ is what I always used to tell my friend about XPOS! I said that I knew if we didn’t work out for some reason (pre-cheating, that I knew of) that he wouldn’t try to work whatever it could have been out, he’d just be on to the next! And how true it was.
I alwaya told XH that too. that if i quit fighting to keep our marriage together then he wont fight for it. as the years went on he put less ans less effort in.
the married slut he is with makes him feel good about himself. you know instead of changing your behavior and actually working on being a better person so you can stop hurting your wife and kids………its just so much easier to find someone who tells you that you are a good person and nothing was your fault. she actually told me to “stop making him feel bad, thats all you are good for”
i made him feel bad for telling him the truth. for telling him that he was fucking up. for telling him that he needed to step up, and he turned to her for comfort simple because she thinks he is wonderful good man. oh and she is ok with his drinking and his bailing on his wife and kids.
i hope i never get that desperate for a man that i would encourage he leaves his famil.
I often sit and wonder who waxes his back hair now? He is no Chewbacca… But somewhere along the evolutionary scale…
I remember pruning his ear hair… Back hair ….atleast he did his own manscaping. Ya…. I got him all pretty for his Tweeny Booper. Guess he is either laying out a fortune at the salon…. Or Tweeny has taken over grooming details….how sexy is that?
But, TheClip, at least he has a great personality, eh? (eyeroll)
Yep, shaved his full back hair too! AND he had the nerve to complain and be pissed if I didn’t get every little bit just perfectly! What a dick!
EWWWWWW! They are somewhat gross aren’t they??
Mine would ask me to pop his back zits and trim his Wilfred Brimley eyebrows! LMAO
My ex described OW as reminding him of his mother (sick!), bc she kind of looked like her and liked popping his back zits!
pop his zits – yuck!
I used to think X was attractive, he wasn’t movie star perfect, he definitely had some physical flaws but so does everyone and like CL said, we overlook them in people we love, but can be quite vicious to our enemies. 😉 But after the divorce, he got quite gross, as in suddenly lacking in basic hygiene. It’s not just me seeing it, people we both know have said to me, “He looks bad!”
But hey, since we’re on the “cheater goggles” subject, what goes along with them thinking they are extremely hot is them thinking they are dynamite in the bedroom. And…not so much. Go figure that people who are selfish in day-to-day interactions are selfish in that area as well.
Mine was generally recognized as attractive, always asked me how he looked, got upset when I didn´t help him match his clothes perfectly…but he NEVER complimented my looks, even when I worked really hard to look like what he liked Now he has braces (at 50!) an overgrown beard with white hairs beginning to appear, glasses and has gained weight, while I look 20 years younger after the infidelity diet, new hairstyle and wardrobe makeover and have the awesome home which all his OWs probably thought he would get if he divorced. He now has lots of debt and all the old moldy books that used to make our house stink. He was always jealous that I made twice more money than he did. Well, his OW makes half of what HE makes, looks like a man and is about to loose her job. It will be interesting to see when she gets pregnant (he hates using condoms) and has to take the responsibility of a new kid plus the two of ours, plus his whore´s child from another man.
“S/he who laughs last, laughs best”
Ha! Ha!
Kira, I know what you are saying. After our separation, my STBXH, who is usually very good about showering, hygiene etc., had to be told by his family to bathe! I guess he smelled really bad!! Go figure!
Roberta, at least yours waited till after your separation. Mine used to come to bed smelling like he went for a 20 mile run. I used to have to ask him to clean up, after he came to bed. Talk about turnoff! And he used to call himself a sexy beast. UGH! More like just beast! And Kira, you are so right that those who are selfish in other areas tend to be horrible in the bedroom. Sometimes it was so bad, I couldn’t even fake it, I’d just tell him to get off of me….and limp-dick thought he had to share his fabulousness? She can have him!
Oh my, the stink. I remember one day X came home stinking. I even asked what deodorant was he using because it was pretty bad. I now realise it was someone else’s stink I could smell. Yuck.
Oh and I hole heartedly agree with the statement that those who are selfish in life are selfish in the bedroom. Not only did my X use multiple partners for sex without connection. For years I have hated my sexlife, I lost count of the amount of times he just could not get it up or when he did being left feeling like I was an easy alternative to him jacking off. Having him admit on d’day that he would often fantasise about doing it with other guys while with me has really fucked with how I view myself.
But it is a new year I am 14 months post d’day my divorce was granted and will come into effect on my birthday in a few weeks time. While X is currently chasing a new cover story. She looks like a dude, is an easy target and if she is willing to indulge him in ways I would not she just may make the perfect wife.
XH was always in decent shape but he really started hitting the gym with affair. As his guns got bigger, so did his ego. Which meant MORE time working out. By the time he moved out, he was working 70 hours a week and working out about 15 hours a week. No time for his kids.
After he moved out, he went on a very lean diet – NO sugar or snacks. The kids hated to stay with him, because he’d monitor everything they ate and tell them they all needed to lose weight (even though they all have normal range BMI). For Christmas one year, he gave one daughter an exercise trampoline and the other a jump rope. The message was clear: you’re too fat. He couldn’t care less about their grades; no, how they LOOK is more important. He fancies himself a Greek god; it is only right and just that his children should reflect his physical glory.
Fortunately, the girls just blew him off and stopped staying with him. Even S12 got tired of it after a while. None seems to be the worse for wear for it, but we’ll see – teenagers have enough self esteem issues without a parent making digs.
Meanwhile, XH has remarried, so we’re seeing little of him, thank goodness. He was born with dark hair, starting prematurely graying at age 18, and was salt-and-pepper through most of our marriage. The divorce took a toll on him – he was snow white a few months ago. But after marrying wife #2, he turned up with cinnamon colored hair. It looks ridiculous. Like vain-old-man ridiculous. Nothing attractive about that…
The divorce took a toll on him – he was snow white a few months ago
I found the same thing Red, snow white, face haggard and nearly blue, wrinkles became very defined I guess because “the divorce took a toll on HIM!!!!!!!” A case of be careful what you wish for I think;)
Red: “cinnamon colored hair”…..that’s a killer visual.
My XBF POS was quite handsome…didn’t look anything like the typical 54 yr old man. Very fit, size 32 waist with full head of black hair with ultra sexy silver at temples. Many times I warned him what would happen to him–he’d reap what he’d sown. I was right. His life is in the gutter, currently he’s on 2 yrs probation for a DWI with a BAC of +15 (twice the legal limit), resulting in an ignition interlock device installed on his vehicle for the duration. I saw him about 18 months ago–man, did he look different. Face haggard, hair almost completely gray. All his self confidence deflated.
Considering the ‘chick magnet’ interlock device on his car and my alerting all dating sites that he had profiles on that he was a convicted con artist/had been arrested many times for assaulting me and disruptive behavior in my home/his dedication to alcoholism and preying upon women to live off of, he was banned for life from all of them. With a little bit of help from me, he’s effectively put himself out of the predator business–he reaped what he sowed.
Good for you hesatthecurb!
Maybe we should call it, the kardashian complex
You now… the tabloids have that Bruce Jenner and his cheating ass bag o’whores is going trans… He wants to be a woman… well he has always been a pussy. I think his first wife, who he dumped after the Olympics must be feeling like she dodged a bullet.
Sorry meant no disrespect to trans… I dislike Bruce Jenner. He was a pussy when he cheated on is wife and dumped her after the Olympics. He was a pussy when he married the OW Linda something. He was a pussy when he joined the unspeakable Kardashian Klan and I think he will be a pussy if he truly is going trans. Leopards dont’ change their spots.
Oh hey, I have no interest in Bruce Jenner or the Kardashians, but I really appreciate that this site is welcoming to people of all orientations and perspectives. Transphobia is an enormous social problem, and trans people are on the receiving end of so much causal violence; lets keep our insults for the cheaters.
Agreed. Although I do think Bruce Jenner craves an inordinate amount of attention, as do all the Kardashians. He’s icky not because he’s trans, but IMO for his shallow, superficial, reality TV existence.
The whole crew: plastic.
Hear hear!
What is it with old guys and their junk, the older mine gets, the lower it hangs. Back hair, check, beer belly, check. Of course with clothes on or the lights off all of that is a pretty well kept secret. SSSHHH!
I know I’m approaching Meh when I finally see my Ex as he really is. An aging Lothario who thinks he’s god’s gift to women and gay men, although he is short, pudgy, has a glass eye that weeps green boogers (that when living with me, he used to wipe on his sleeve, or on our bath towels, where yes, they looked just like the boogers from your nose)… skin allergies and not wearing gloves when he works (remodeling) have caused his fingers to bloat and be calloused to the point where he could probably rob a bank w/o leaving fingerprints. His teeth are all crooked, and several of them are gray colored now. Yet in the year leading up to DDay I recall that he was trying to lose weight by working out on an exercise bike; and after DDay I found an entry in his old calendar that said “tooth whitening?” w/a question mark so he was considering that. Over the years he would flirt with every waitress, cashier, etc. no matter what they looked like either. And current OW is ugly as sin; she’s about 5 inches taller than he (so they look like Boris and Natasha), she has calves like tree trunks, a large roman nose, and when she smiles all you see is her upper gums. OK. I’m not Christie Brinkley at 59 either. But my point is as Chump Lady says, cheating isn’t about sex and it’s not about good looks and it’s not about people’s physical appearance. It’s about kibbles pure and simple.
I saw Ex in a restaurant last week (he didn’t see me, and he was w/ a male friend, not OW but it wouldn’t have bothered me if he was). When I fell in love with him, I’m sure now that I was dazzled by his narc sparkles and love bombing. I continued to love him for sixteen years (and even thought I still did for about a year after DDay). He is not physically attractive. And at the time it didn’t matter because I saw him through sparkly colored glasses because he was so hot for me…I’m sure this is the trick he uses with ALL the women he’s seduced including the current OW. I’m not about appearances!! but when I saw him in that restaurant I know if I just met him, or went on a date w/him, I would not be interested. In fact, in our last year or so together, I later admitted to myself I used to sit and look across the table at him and think “WHAT am I doing with this guy?” but that was actually not so much about his looks as my exhaustion with his frequent narc rages, sexual abuse, lack of financial support, victim complex, and always blaming me for everything bad in his life, which – to listen to him – was everything ABOUT his life. His whole life was bad, it was my fault, everyone was out to get him, etc etc so I do hope that OW is enjoying listening to that shit now, while staring across the table at him as he wipes his green eye boogers on his sleeve.
Wow….eye boogers on the towels…he sounds dreamy….
Well, that eye boogie image is going to stay with me forever.
I am at work, with lots to do… HAVE.TO.STOP.LAUGHING… glass eye, green snot eye boogers… I am going to have nightmares, funny funny nightmares.
… and Chumplady’s last three paragraphs sum up the REAL point which is that we loved them anyway, despite muffin tops, baldness, etc. and THOUGHT we were being loved and accepted the same way in return; and I would add that they knew we thought that and that is the real nut of why infidelity sucks and they suck: they knew we thought that, and relying on that, they went out and cheated and kept it a secret because they knew if they told us, we would kick them out or leave them, and they wanted it ALL, cake cake cake cake cake.
Your post really made me laugh. I am sitting here giggling away.
My STBXH was average to look at. At least he was clean. It’s the OW that would turn your stomach. She’s 10 years older than him and at 63 was sending him text pictures of her waxed fanny asking him if he was missing this when he broke up with her during our ridiculous attempt to reconcile. It made me want to throw up. She prances around in stockings and garters like she’s some dolly bird instead of an old crow.
haha. I always wondered what these weirdos sexted each other. I only saw the entries on the phone bill but never actually saw what they texted each other. Now you’ve answered my question!! I mean seriously, my Cheater’s OW was picture-texting him something at 6:30 a.m. She’s also 60 y.o. like your ex’s ow.
Trust me, you are better off not knowing / not seeing … I’m still looking for a big enough fork to gouge out my eyes after seeing & reading the sexting / texting, Maybe BBQ tongs.
I agree, pass the tongs. I only saw one day’s worth, but it’s burned into my brain forever. The OW would dress up in sleazy lingerie every morning before she went to work and send pics to my husband, then he would go into the bathroom stall at work and send her dick pics. CLASSY!!!
I was never attracted to the “popular” handsome guys, particularly if they were athletes, because I found them to be entitled and selfish. I liked men to be strong and confident in their abilities, but not arrogant. I liked men who could actually do something. There was a line from an Emmy Lou Harris song that summed it up for me, “I want a man with teeth just a little uneven, who won’t spend more time with a mirror than he does with me.”
I also never wanted a man who already belonged to someone else. I never understood that urge that some women have to “take” another woman’s man, as if it means they are especially sexy or sparkly. What it usually means is they are available to cheat and easy to cheat with. Look what they have “stolen” — A Cheater! I also could not understand why a man would risk losing everything he had, especially trust and respect, for a piece of strange. Why can they not figure out that if she is available to them, she will be available to others?
So I don’t understand the cheater mentality. I don’t understand how they can pretend they are attractive if they are not, or how they can pretend they are sexy, or have special sex skills if they don’t.
So, I didn’t marry for looks or for sexy. I married because I wanted a companion with values and goals similar to mine, and I wanted someone who was attractive and funny and imaginative and somewhat sexy, to me. Of course, I was fooled. A Chump. I didn’t expect my spouse to cheat, because I didn’t expect other women to be chasing after him — I didn’t expect other women to have the same tastes I did, or other women to want a man who wasn’t famous, rich, or insanely handsome. I also did not expect my spouse to cheat with a woman who was less attractive than I am, who was an alcoholic/druggie, who was grossly overweight, and not particularly intelligent. So don’t take any marketing tips from me — evidently I cannot predict the winners among the irrational choices available on the cheaters market.
When I went into Marriage Police mode and used my Sherlock Holmes Skill Set to uncover the lies and crimes of my cheater, I really could not believe that I had married someone who was so different from the man I thought I knew. When I found the absolutely awful porn and saw the truly gross pictures and films the OW were willing to pose for and participate in, along with the pictures he provided of his “merchandise” — I could not believe it. It was horrifying and nauseating. The bonking that cheaters do cannot have anything to do with their ACTUAL attractiveness, they have to live in a fantasy world. I saw no evidence that he didn’t have the same ED I had found to be a part of his normal sexual presentation. She evidently was ok with all the sex substitutes they practiced. I could not believe the positions she would pose in and allow films of — they certainly showed off her cellulite and fat rolls, and did nothing to enhance her questionable allure. I mean, they could close their eyes and imagine while they were participating — why would you want actual pictures which proved it was not as marvelous as you want to imagine it was???
So I still do not understand why anyone does this stuff. I know they have to be delusional and prefer the delusion to reality. I don’t know how they could possibly have the same need to reconcile what they think is true with what actually is true, that I do? No matter what these Cheaters pretend to believe, they are not the “sexy” creatures they profess to be. They are not particularly attractive, either. They are willing to lie, and cheat, and steal, and betray. Maybe in cheater world that is all it takes to be a member of the club?
I always knew that a relationship was going to involve compromise, and that there was never going to be someone “perfect” out there for me. I don’t think of myself as perfect either. But I think of myself as attractive, intelligent, funny, honest, and dependable. I think these are things a potential mate I would be interested in should find important. I expect the same things of a mate that I do of myself. If I cannot find that — then I am ok being alone. I don’t want to ever step foot into Delusional Cheater Land again. I am not in any hurry, and plan to spend a long time checking out my own picker for accuracy before I ever commit to anyone again. I’ve had enough sorrow, I’ve already paid that tab.
My ex’s whore worker said it wasn’t cheating because he had no feelings for me..life of 19 yrs mother of his 3 kids. Married. But not cheating..
Yep, never understood why anyone, man or woman, would want to be with a cheater. I recall asking my now ex-wife how she could ever trust a man who would cheat on his wife and how he could ever trust her as she was cheating on me.
All sorts of logical contortions. “It’s not cheating, I moved out…” (Same script, see blog previous blog entries.)
Her paramour was nearly her father’s age. We were both in our 30’s. I guess she liked him getting the AARP discount and not being able to bother her with sex as often as I would.
Never saw him, and it’s probably good for both of us.
I rarely see her. Our daughter is 16, can drive, has a job, honor student in honors classes. I get the occasional doctor bill where I have to pay half. The last beau I saw living in her home was about her height (5’2″ or 157cm) and about as wide. I think he lost his license to a DUI as I saw him walking from time to time. I think he did door to door sales and/or cold calling from her house.
I’m 5’11” 50″ chest, 36″ waist and workout 4-6 days/week. My daughter joins me for 3-4 of those days depnding on which weekend she is with me and which is with mom. So my DD runs, does bootcamp, swims and bikes with me, while XW probably gets winded running off at the mouth and jumping to conclusions.
I’m a well paid IT worker and I’ll be 0x32 years old this year for those who understand hexadecimal numbers. I live in a nice, but modest home with my smoking hot redhead wife who really does make me a better person. I’m self-assured enough to admit that.
So yeah, I don’t get the attraction to what these folks get from their affair partners.
Was the marriage to my ex-wife miserable? Heck yeah!. The difference is I didn’t look outside of my marriage for solutions. I tried to engage her, to get her to talk, to tell me what the perfect marriage looked like. If it wasn’t what she wanted, it sure as heck wasn’t because I wasn’t trying. I think it’s because she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me. As someone said before, I did the best I could with the information she provided. If you provide poor information or no information, don’t be shocked when your spouse doesn’t understand and/or doesn’t get it right.
For example, I heard the line, “If you loved me, you would know what to do.” I so wanted to say, so you never did love me. After all, all I wanted was some really good steaks and blowjobs, but that never happened, so I guess you were right, you never really loved me.!” But I’m too classy for that sort of talk 😉
Rant off.
No matter where you are in the process, minutes or months from d-day, know that it does get better, it’s not about you, and you can come out better at the other end of this hurtful process.
Uniballer,
This just answered a 20 year question that was baffling me,
“For example, I heard the line, “If you loved me, you would know what to do.” ”
Word for word from my XW for so many years. And also “If you don’t see it you never will”. I now know it meant if you haven’t caught me, you never will. She was right. I was a trusting Chump who never did. Dday was a month after she asked for a divorce. I was always stumped by the mind reading requirement 🙁
Finally got the divorce 1 week and 2 hours ago (after 15 mo trying). Thank you!
Uniballer, I needed someone to say this today. I kept asking the ex what was wrong… For years. He lied though his teeth. When I finally confirmed he had been cheating for at least 4 years and I confronted him, his reply to me was “you couldn’t tell I wasn’t happy?, like I was supposed to see through the lies. I know I’m walking away from my marriage knowing that I did everything I could have. Not my fault if he didn’t let me in.
We are at the tail end of my divorce proceedings and I am the thinnest, and fittest I have been in 20 years. People keep telling me that I look much better now without him. And the way I look now, I’m not worried about attracting someone better in the future. Meanwhile, ex is the heaviest I’ve seen him in a long time. Every time I see him, he’s wearinf the same vest….probably because nothing else fits. And it looks tighter every time I see him in it….
It is devastating that these cheaters leave us for a “feeling of happiness”. I was told that….”I just want to be happy”. What the H! It does decimate the self-esteem because we do love/did love them faults and all.
My cheater STBXH has back hair and is over wieght. He gained a whooping 80 lbs. during our marriage. Me? Still a size 2! I had the lovely job of shaving said back for our entire marriage. Funny, he has never asked his schoopie to do it. How does she get a pass?
Last week, he paid our son to chase his back!!!! He paid him!!! Our son is 7!!! Ew!!!!
And to think he could have left when all I wanted was to be happy!!!!!
My cheater spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror, fretting over every little nick or imperfection…he did cosme-ceuticals early on, worked out regularly, spent $$ on hair grafting. I always assured him I loved him just the way he was… It gave me the willies but I tried to see it as a plus. He wasn’t exactly an Adonis but I thought he did things to appeal to me. Hah, hah, snort…. But I did worry. If he was looking so close at himself, what must he think of me? Turns out, that other than a mother figure and house/office manager and laundress, not much. He was getting his thrills elsewhere. While I always had an attraction to him, overlooking what I now see as very gross and disrespectful actions, his attraction to me had a very short shelf-life. This, despite the fact that I am an intelligent, pleasing, funny, slim and attractive woman – things that society at large would consider attributes to marital success. I also thought we were compatible and partnered well at home and in the office. Those cheater goggles must also come with a germ-shield too, based on the skanks he pursued, while being very phobic of other people’s germs in front of me. How delusional we both were. HM is right. They build their egos and live off of a trail of insecure people – if it is a giver who supplies kibbles for a time, like myself, all the better. When reality hits, it’s time to move on in their fantasy to the next source.
The Muse, I know exactly what you mean. Mine was so “needy” and I used to wonder why I was still with him. I too loved him even after he left, but I am getting over him fast! He would NOT be my first choice to date if he showed up at my door! He smells like a giant cigarette and looks a bit like Popeye now due to the fact he wears full dentures that don’t fit him well now! Yep! Schmoopie can have him! Hope she enjoys him sucking his nose while she’s eating! I always had to remind him that genteel folk did NOT do those sorts of things, but it never sunk in!! But I also get the feeling that his paramour is a real pig too!
My cheater ex was actually nice looking; as our relationship crumbled under the weight of his narcissism, I began to look worse and worse (thyroid issues, depression, stress, weight gain, no time to care for myself because I was doing double duty for him).
The funny thing is, he always kind of had a hard time making friends and being interested in other people (narcissist!) so even though he had good looks, I was the one who made friends with people.
And now, I look better than ever after 8 1/2 months of freedom and the last time I caught a peek of my ex on facebook (and promptly unfriended the person who posted the pictures), he looked terrible: gaunt, unhealthy, pale, scruffy, angry and drunk. His fiance cheater is almost the exact opposite of me: cold, mean looking, older, trashy dresser, obsessed with planning their “elven themed” wedding. So, I find it amusing that he may think he’s all that, but he looks terrible now and even if he tries to look good, it doesn’t take long to realize he’s a self absorbed, boring, lazy, judgmental, angry, 38 year old with mommy issues. Gross.
I think the elven-themed wedding might be the weirdest thing ever posted here. Certainly among the top ten.
CL, this may call for a cartoon rendering!
Oh this sounds so familiar!! My STBXH must be yours’ older brother or something! And the OW must be her younger sister! So GROSS I can hardly stand it anymore!!
Wow, we married the same man and he found the same OW (except for the elven wedding theme). I am also curious: Do they think they are elves?
Yes, last summer a couple of weeks after they got engaged (less than 2 months after I left), I caught wind of the news and discovered OW’s pinterest boards which include “elven ceremony” full of Lord of the Rings/Renaissance Faire/Elf inspired wedding dresses, pictures of candles in the forest, elf ear jewelry, 6″ elf slut high heels, and so forth. It cracks me up every time I think about it-an Elf wedding! For cheating elves!
OMG 6″ elven slut heels? How does she trip through the fairy forest in those?!
The image of pointy-eared bridesmaid in medieval gowns is priceless!! I agree with Finally realized–that deserves a cartoon.
Mind-boggling, as is so much else we read here.
“elf slut’? Now that would be hard to compete with….LOL.
I really think the elven wedding theme deserves a cartoon……….
No wedding is complete without elf slut high heels. They really do live in fantasy land, don’t they?
My STBXH calls his short, over weight, over the hill, menopausal old hag his elf! Are these like the “Chucky” dolls! You know some creepy, weird, out of the norm elves! Cracks me up!
Elven? As in elves?
I look at pictures of a pig-faced OW pausing like she is some star. She grins towards the camera with her nasty teeth and double chin, in a digital beam of light. She wears a very tight short jersey dress, proudly
displaying her fat legs and round shoulders. She has the appearance of an average middle-aged cleaning lady. And her many online profiles contradict each other; she is obviously a fraud, aiming at a visa, a house on the riviera and money. She doesn’t even look younger than me. Yet, my commitment-allergic boyfriend was ready to marry her without a second thought, after living with me in the same house for 15 years, and after secretely meeting her three times in a foreign land. This is so very insulting.
I read her posts, they are not especially funny or intelligent. Basically, she thinks of herself as wonderfully cultured, mind-blowingly sexy, and this is enough, the magic happens!
After D-day, he behaved like he was the most attractive man of the area. I guess her infatuation was contagious. His badly groomed, introverted and oblivious self suddenly gazed at pretty twentysomethings in the streets with obvious interest. With me by his side ! No need to describe how I felt.
I wonder… If she had not dumped him for a richer and more available guy, would he have gone to the airport some day, and messaged me from Moscow that he was married ?
ChumpfromFrance……..’suddenly gazed at pretty twentysomethings in the streets with obvious interest. With me by his side ! No need to describe how I felt.’ I’m raising my hand at this too! It’s quite hurtful and demeaning!
ditto. every waitress, store clerk. also, friends’ youngest (12 y.o) daughter. lustful looks. sick sick sick. I once walked out of him in a furniture store when he put his hand on the saleslady’s arm and called her sweetie. He was livid at me for ’embarassing’ him, imagine that! I told him not only did that hurt me it’s called sexual harassment asshole.
Mine did that at first, but then took his lusty looks underground. TRAIN YOUR DAUGHTERS TO RUN if someone does that–totally disrespectful to their date, and a sign that lechery is preferable to empathy in their values. A harbinger of things to come.
My fave example of this is Dominique Strauss Kahn. He claims that he had no idea that those many lovely and very young women who participated in his orgies were being paid to do so! ‘Prostitutes? Who could have guessed? I thought they just LOVED having group sex with a whole bunch of aging over-indulged rich guys!’
Has this man looked in a mirror even ONCE in the past 20 years? (Google Image him right now if you don’t already know what he looks like.)
Oh Lord! What’s the word I’m looking for?? Oh yeah, GROSS!
Great column, CL, and I share your view of Weiner and Gingrich (headed for the antacid now because of those images). But I’m going to defend petal pushers–Audrey Hepburn ROCKED petal pushers (and had they been around, probably would have wowed in the magenta). Mind you, she didn’t have thighs that looked like mutton.
Pedal pushers are the same as capris, right? Well, I wear those all summer long, at least half of the year in my blazingly hot area! I have them in denim, knit, cotton…… love me some pedal pushers! 😉
Me, too, Glad–tons of capris for summer in 100 degree heat. And I”m loud enough that I might just buy magenta ones if I saw them (when I was in my 20s, my sister once asked if Cyndy Lauper got mad that I raided her closet).
I add Bill Clinton to the political pile of ewww! I don’t care what he did in office, he’s gross too.
This post and all of the above comments crack me up, I laughed out loud reading all of it. CL, you write like I think and it brings me great joy to see all that sarcasm! Lol.
I will say, my self loather of an ex never really bragged himself up…he’s more of a self pity cheater. BUT there must be something he finds irresistibly appealing about himself if he was out looking for other women when he had a young, fit and attractive wife at home that was just waiting for him to show an ounce of interest.
Alas, I am glad he no longer gets to invade my well kept lady parts with his increasingly unattractive & less than hygienic habits.
Read- VERY premature bald spot (began at 26), never brushes his teeth at night, extremely sedentary, poor eating habits, alcohol abuse, began using that gross tobacco that you place in your lower lip (faaaaak, that’s repulsive to me), WAY too long talon style toenails on his chubby little hobbit feet, oddly small and feminine hands, randomly dispersed back hairs that are beginning to take over the area (barf!!! I see these as he leans into his car and places our toddler in her car seat and his schmoopie looks on from the passenger seat…I’ll get to her in a moment), oh yes…and since he’s not quite 30 yet and his aging hell has just begun let me say that I’ve also noticed a very sloppy belly and what appears to be man tits in the works. Mua Hahahaha.
Now for schmoopie- I don’t know too much about her personally, other than that she’s just the 23 year old version of me-she’s his new meal ticket. But my goodness…She has the most shockingly outlandish, Halloween store bought looking Cheshire cat teeth I’ve ever seen. They are literally trying to escape from her mouth by ripping her lips apart…it’s truly very alarming when you see it. I’m not sure what human finds that type of thing appealing…? At least if it were saggy tits or a floppy ass it could be covered in clothing and kept hidden from public scrutiny but this is on her FACE.
When my mother, who’s a saint, met her during an exchange she called me directly after and said “well…ummm….gosh I don’t know how to say it but her pictures on Facebook actually do her more justice….my goodness, Jame…she looks like a mess! She is just not appealing to the eyes and those teeth….wow…those teeth.”
Lmao, my thoughts exactly, mom.
TheBetterJamie, my ex has hobbit stubby feet too. he even took several selfies of his feet and toes. found them later on the computer things he forgot to delete. i surely don’t know why he thought that was attractive.
Lol, Muse…who the hell knows. A chump like me would excuse them and call them cute…which is what I did with my STBX’s flaws. Oh well…I wasn’t evrr looking for perfection anyways, just true love 🙂
OMG!!! How could I forget the skid marks/bacon strips in his underwear?!? Lmao!!!! How does his new college girlfriend handle THAT on a daily basis? I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY on EVERY SINGLE PAIR…just wipe properly!!!!!
I’m trying to enjoy my oatmeal over here!! ILK!!!!!!
My XPOS was quite the opposite, thank goodness!!! He was completely over the top in cleanliness in all aspects of his life. Well, except for the strippers he fucked.
Jamie – yes, the skid marked underwear! I refused to clean them for him so he had to do it himself. He had an issue in that area that he would never talk to the doctor about – sat on the toilet for lengthy periods of time (I’m sure texting women then too), had hemorrhoids, and nasty, silent farts that he loooved for me gag on and then comment he could laugh. I don’t miss that at all!
What is it about men that they can’t seem to wipe properly?? OMG I had that task too. Did you guys ever have it on your sheets at all? Now *THAT* is gross.
Raises hand.
Yes mine left tracks on the sheets also cause he liked to sleep nude.
I did not take a single sheet, towel or blanket when I left. I bought myself all new, fresh, never shit on things.
Bahahahaha….Oh my goodness…it’s just too much…I thought it was just my ex that couldn’t clean his butt properly. I had no idea this was a common and widespread problem. I just don’t comprehend the difficulty…spread & wash. Very simple.
Oh boy!!!! I’ve never had it on the sheets but that sounds like an explosive problem he has on his hands…wow.
I just figure that if I wear a thong that rubs against my personal region for a full day of working out/working/chasing a toddler around/errands….how is it that I manage not to get poo stains on there?
It has to be a wiping deficiency.
Mine would come out of the shower squeaky clean and immediately skid up a towel! I mean, how clean are you anyway? And, yep – his hygiene really went out the window towards the end. Brushing/flossing teeth. eww – how can you not do that for 2 to 3 days? He did buy fancy new underwear and lots of new clothes which I’m sure have skid mark on all of them. If the shorts got so bad, I just threw them away. How is that women don’t have this issue, nor do we get such a kick out of (rarely done) farts. He used to laugh and laugh at the dinner table. Ugh.
LMAO TheBetter Jamie!
I’m reminded that my ex cleaned his bathroom-just off the master bedroom-ONCE a year, doing a quick once-over with paper towels and some counter cleaner. It was the only room in the house I refused to clean. His bathroom was so gross and dirty I wouldn’t even put a toe in there….converted the guest bathroom in the hall into my own bathroom. Hope his new lady enjoys seeing a toilet covered in dust, hair, and moldy water rings, and a shower with mold in the corners and in between the plastic tile.
Lucky, your ex CLEANED? Even once a year would’ve been an upgrade for me, hahaha! My STBX was so insistent that he was just incapable of doing the laundry to my standards that he had me write out a manual. It was a 6 page booklet of all the general laundry rules and “what ifs” (I’m not kidding). He said he would feel more comfortable taking that big task on once he “knew the rules”…who am I, a vicious delicates dictator? Shit…could you at least just throw a load in of the babies clothes in to help me out?
Lmao….these things make me laugh so much when I reflect. What an odd life I was living.
TheBJ, your story reminded me of my STBX´s father, the king of all narcs, who is so stingy that he is the only one allowed to touch the washing machine, the same one he bought for his first wife 45 years ago. His second wife (first one died 25 years ago, of cancer, probably produced by the stress of living with him) gathers all clothing and puts it in the washing machine, but the MAN of the house is the only one allowed to move the dial and push the button. It is as if he thinks women are stupid and will ruin the machine for which he paid so much for 45 years ago!!! Of course, he is OK with his women doing everything else …but is so stingy that he still has the same bed, with the same mattress that his first wife slept on and everything else in the house (all the furniture, etc) are from the first wedding…STBX inherited the stinginess, he doesn´t mind taking our mattress for his new rented apartment and lucky OW will get to sleep on it!
Chumpita, what an odd bird. Lol
But see the thing was, my ex wasn’t doing the laundry…he was telling me that my laundry expectations were just too high to meet and he would inevitably fail and then be bullied by me, his obsessive, controlling, wacko of a wife. Lol. It was his way of getting out of helping me by accusing me of being impossible to please.
This is how nearly every interaction was with him. Mindfuckery.
I got that too, TBJ. When I asked him not to throw anything of mine in with his laundry because he tended to leave napkins and paper towels in pockets or throw white towels in with dark clothes, I listened to a week of comments about his not being able to ‘live up to my standards’. This is the same man that did his own laundry in the beginning because I didn’t fold his t-shirts properly. By the time I finally got him out of the house, he was content to just throw his clean clothes into a wad in his drawers. I should cut him a break – after the day-long porn fests he had while I was at work, I’m sure his wrists were just too tired to fold stuff.
Ha! I loved your evaluation of Newt Gingrich, CL! He is aptly named because he does, in fact, look exactly like a newt. You’d just need to bring a push broom along if you planned on kissing him – to hold up that ginormous head!
I think the delusion for the male cheaters comes from strippers, porn, 800 phone sex lines, even beer commercials. Did you ever notice beer commercials? The guys are all fat, balding, sweaty, pasty bastards and the women are hot. Way to sell beer, Madison Avenue. Strippers flock to the douche with the most money, no matter what he looks like. Phone sex is a no-brainer. They don’t realize that “Misty” is probably 40 years old, living in subsidized housing and doing her kids ironing while she’s telling him how huge his dick is.
I think these are the things that really skews their views. They start to believe they are hot and any woman would be lucky to have him. At least that’s what the stripper told him while he was shoving at $10.00 down her g-string.
Since it just popped into my mind I had to go watch the video for the 90’s song I’m Too Sexy song on Youtube and well wouldn’t you know Right Said Fred does it PERFECTLY. It is really not a stretch at all to imagine my cheater humming it to himself on the way up the hotel elevator. Now the damn song is stuck in my head.
ca-chump…..one of the XPOS fav songs! Very telling, now that I know what I know!
Sucks for me….STBX is devastantingly handsome and rich, and OW is quite pretty herself…
Altough I know that’s all they have, it doesn’t make it any easier…
Whenever I encounter such people I immediately think of John Lennon-“One thing you can’t hide is when you’re crippled inside.”
Yeah, BRchump–mine is smart, successful, handsome, & a snappy dresser–his APs were 30 years his junior. But you know what, I’ll feel sorry for anyone with him long term. He sucks the life out of people with heavy doses of sarcasm & criticism, and mainly talks about himself & his successes. He’ll lure them with charm for a few weeks, and then the sword starts to lower. If he ever remarries, I’m tempted to pat the poor thing’s hand and look sympathetically at her. Serial cheater–hasn’t been faithful to a single long-term relationship.
BR Chump…….the XPOS (50 when they met) is too (well not devastatingly, but handsome and wealthy) and his now ex stripper was a cute girl too (25 (when they met) and I’m just thinkin’ she ought to be with that line of profession). And he’s had at least 4 others since and during me and 25 y/o. I’ve only seen pics of stripper but I’m pretty certain that the rest are pretty or cute too; 22-29 yrs old, they oughta be!! First off he wouldn’t be caught dead with less than that because ‘appearance to others’ is everything. Isn’t it? 🙂
Thanks Roberta & CL for the reminders though.
Beauty fades, but dumb? Dumb is forever.
YES! I have told my girls that all the time. Stupid comes naturally and no one has to work for it. You have to have heart to want to work at not being one of the stupid masses.
BR, you are right….they may be pretty together but they’ll be miserable together, too.
Looks are fleeting and once they grow old they’ll be wrinkly, musty smelling and covered in liver spots like the rest of us. Their looks will fade but your kind heart is timeless.
Exactly!!! THIS!!
Thank you everyone for the reassurance!
It’s just really hard seeing Ow EVERYDAY ( they enrolled her daughter in my son’s school) looking fabulous with “my” money…. When he moved out he sold my car, left me with the bare minimum and gave her a car, boob job, and all the luxuries money can buy…While I’ not struggling cause I have a great family is ridiculous that I helped him be who he is and she’ s reaping the benefits…
I live in south america and laws here are really unfair so, his money is him to do as he pleases… Sorry…had to vent…
BRChump, outward looks fade ! These people are just putting paint on a stinking turd! Don’t you dare feel bad! You will always be beautiful because you are true and authentic! These horses asses don’t even know who they really are!! You are worth more than them and their “fab ” good looks any day of the week! And good character never fades or goes out of style!!
And BRChump, work on getting some of the STBX’s bucks! Without those I’m sure his stock would go down with the beautiful girls too!
It was such a red flag at the time, and so indicative of how seperate our lives were becoming, when he came home with a tattoo that he’d told me nothing about. That was when his cheating really started to blossom. Later on, he used my “non-supportive” reaction of that first tattoo as one of the many reasons I deserved to be cheated on. Over the next 2-3 years of cheating and multiple affairs, he continued to get more and more tattoos. The last and best one was the tattoo he got for his AP. His pet name for her was “Punkin” so he got a huge, ridiculous, Cinderella-esque, pumpkin on his fore arm. His pale, skinny, forearm. What really put it over the top and made is magical and special is that in the middle of the pumpkin is a large “P4”. He tried to tell me it was referential to his Panic Disorder and some bullshit he’d learned about during his recent stint in rehab. I discovered, when I found his secret email account, what it really stood for though. It was short hand for PPPP. Which is short hand for Pinky Pinky Prom Prom. Which is short hand for double Pinky Promises. For example, Ex: “I PPPP love you, crazy ridiculous.” AP: “I PPPP I cleaned up my phone.” Direct quotes.
All of this is to say that along the way, as things were disintegrating and I was still trying to believe that what was happening really wasn’t, I remember saying to a friend about his appearance, how awful he looked. And that if I; an almost 40 year old mother of two who is in semi decent shape, met him; a tattoo sleeved, skinny, alchoholic, almost 40 year old man who was in the process of growing out his hair and goatee, who was perpetually sloppy and unkept, that I wouldn’t even be interested in having a conversation with him.
Post divorce, he’s tried to get me to “date” him. He’s been homeless, carless, jobless. But he still has his tattoos. I think he’s had a harder time getting girlfriends. Funny.
When we were in college my then fiance got a tattoo without telling me.I admit I was upset at the time, but was made to feel as if I overreacted. I mean, I would not have objected to it, but he had never indicated an interest in one, and it is permanent, etc. We had also literally just attended a campus conference on various student research, and there was an entire session on tattooing– and not a peep.
In hindsight, I guess a sign about his lack of discussion/communication skills.
OMG, RB! How old were these two?
I have sweet little secret stuff like that….with my 2 year old daughter…
my goodness, he sounds like a gem!
Those tattoos are laughable! He and Schmoopie sound very adolescent! How old is she? Maybe 19???
He sounds like they both thought they were in middle school with the PPPP. And I’m assuming that AP is no longer with him. And now he’s got a stupid pumpkin on his arm. Karma’s a bitch!
Everyone seems to be on a roll today! I’m LMAO here and I’m sure the folks in my Doctors office wonder if I’m a bit crazy! I don’t really care cause all these comments are too much fun!!
Sexual attraction is always about goggles. 🙂
I have two friends who’ve been married for twenty years. They’re hopelessly in love with each other, and it’s clear that being around each other makes them happy. They are both quite heavy, and despite being about 15 years younger than I am, they are both on a pill regimen. Mind you, he’s been diabetic since he was a small boy, and he’s asthmatic on top of all that. She recently developed Type II diabetes, and is taking blood pressure pills. I would not find either one of them sexually attractive, but it’s clear they see each other as desirable.
But I also think they realize that they’re two, overweight, middle-aged people. Nothing special. Except to each other, they are very special. The outside world be damned.
Cheater goggles are different.
Cheaters see themselves as irresistible sex magnets.
Schmoopie, for example, tips the scale at about 210 lbs of long, dyed red hair, pulled back from her high forehead so you can see just how dark (and now graying) those roots are. Also, she drinks too much. She sees herself as a Siren whose song men can’t resist. I’m sure this is somewhat true. Many people like free samples.
STBX and I still live together until the divorce is finalized. He likes to wander around from bathroom to bedroom in his underpants (boxer/briefs). Uh, why? Maybe he’s parading around in hopes I’ll be jealous of his hawtness. Nope. I used to see him as pretty hot. Now I see him as middle-aged, paunchy, and hunched over (he has always had rounded shoulders from poor posture). He says that the ladies all like him.
Talk about an invitation to a Pick-Me dance!
Even when they’re not necessarily NPD, cheaters always have a bit of narc in them. They are convinced they sparkle!
I want to add something here on the goggles.
Take my married friends. If I describe her as 5’1″, about 240lbs, with short, straight brown hair cut in a bob cut from Great Clips, she doesn’t sound attractive at all. If I describe her as outgoing, intelligent, witty, with a wry but non-malicious sense of humor and a smile that lights up the room–well, she sounds super! And I am dead certain that’s how her husband sees her. 🙂
Aw, the parade. I’d forgotten about that! I so don’t miss it. Very weird!
KB, “many people like free samples”!!!
Please, that was so simply yet eloquently put, I am dying over here.
I’m also envisioning the hoards of people in SAMs club on a Sunday who utilize the free samples as the appetizers to their upcoming Applebee’s meals.
Use wretched old lady voice-“Gosh…I don’t even like figs but if it’s free….maybe just a taste…”
My ex used to get a kick out of wandering around naked in our house and standing in front of open widows. I’ll never understand that.
My ex liked to do everything naked, preferably where there was a chance people would see him. The entire five months he spent in the guest bedroom of our old house, post Dday while I was waiting to move out, he never once closed the blinds in the room. Not while getting undressed, not while in bed, not while dressing, never once. And there were neighbors that could have seen into that room. But this is a guy who took off all his clothes and ran naked through a public park to surprise some guy he was running with in his exercise class. And would wear the skimpiest speedo on the beach. So clearly, not exactly shy about showing off his junk.
especially surrounded by feathers, for the OneHourPhoto people to see, right? (CL–we’re still all clamoring for a cartoon of Still Life with Penis!!)
Yes, or posed laying on top of an apple. Those photo lab techs must have loved getting our rolls of film.
Lyn……the idiot I was with too!
When we were on vacation, at the hotels he would be stark naked in front of the windows and even do a dance so that he weiner went in a circular motion for all to see! Said he didn’t care….that’s an understatement!
A time or two he even walked onto hotel balcony…..yep, stark naked!! Sick fuck!
Chump Lady,
Your ability to boil things down to their essence is a gift. My present level of “meh” lately has been fueled by realizing how my ex-wife’s choice to do what she did was about 95% fueled by who she is and her messed up view of the world. I could go on for paragraphs, but you boiled it down to one absolutely true pithy sentence. I will always remember it and thank you.
“But we were traded for the delusional sensation of feeling devastatingly sexy.”
My ex definitely thought he was devastatingly sexy. He did work out a lot and had a good body, although not perfect. However, he became slick as a billiard ball bald in his 20’s, and his nose, which was rather large to begin with, continued to grow to the size of a toucan’s beak. Still, in my mind I continued to see him as I did when he was young. I even made a card once with a picture of him in his bathing suit at 20 years old that said “you’ll always be 17 to me.” He, however, saw me as a middle-aged woman who had become utterly unattractive. Love this post, CL, made me laugh my head off. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
I’m not comfortable with all this talk about their negative physical qualities. Most of us loved them in spite of their flaws.
But the idea that they throw our relationship away just because their ego is being stroked, well, that’s despicable to me.
Thank you! This entire page of comments has made me feel like shit. I’m overweight, not well-endowed, etc. The weight I might be able to help, but the endowment? I’m insecure enough, thanks.
I get being hurt, I really do. But the lashing out hurts more than just the intended targets. Calling someone crazy/mentally ill, saying someone looks like the opposite gender, insulting physical traits that someone can’t help, it all gets to be a bit much.
then stop reading and go to the next one. nobody here was attacking you personally. after years of being put down for the silliest things, it is a wonderful feeling to point out their flaws.
i personallyy feel better knowing that other people have dealt with the same load of bullshit i did. and their stories make me feel better. if it is making you feel badly about yourself then stop reading this article. i dont like every single article chumplady writes (sorry cl) but the ones that dont appeal to me i dont read.
there are also one or two comments that i dont personally agree with or even like but that is too be expected when you throw together a few hundred people.
but i think for you to comment that we are making you feel bad because of our comments about our ex faultsis out of line. nobody is trying to make anyone feel badly. many have said that they are not perfect. there is nothing wrong with venting about your ex flaws especially after they put you thru the worst pain in your life.
unless you are the other woman dont take these comments as personal. i also am overwieght (but working on that) i have fat stubby feet. and grey hair (which i dye) but i was not offended by someone comment.
ans excuse me but i will call my ex crazy. and his MOw a slut if i want to. my apologizes if that offends you. you might want to read another blog that doesnt offend your sensiblities. good luck.
ML, I’m snarkier than you are. Yes, of course we loved them despite their flaws. I loved my cheating ex once upon a time, even though he was bald, fat, and hairy-backed. But sometimes getting to “meh” is realizing that the Emperor has no clothes — or the emperor is dressed like a drunken gypsy. The narc isn’t everything they project, and hey, there is a vein of humor in that.
I would also add that everyone is faintly ridiculous when they are being their sexual selves. But good people love in entirety. We can self deprecate. We can admit we’re squigdy around the middle, but still work with what we have. We love past things.
Cheaters, narcs, I do think they prefer fantasy and superiority. They cannot self deprecate. They really DO think they are the shit and you are their inferior.
Sometimes you just have to point and laugh.
I think part of it also is we can see their inside ugliness now. So, at least to us, we see the inner rot manifesting on the outside.
And sometimes after years of being told how inadequate we are and having all of our flaws (and some made up ones) pointed out repeatedly, it’s a relief to be able to point some out right back.
“The emperor is dressed like a drunken gypsy.”
Mine was definitely the man behind the curtain. Even had a sign outside is office, something about – ‘Nobody gets in to see the wizard, no way, no how’. I think his curtain was so important to him – his mask. And, when it was uncovered and all faults were seen, well – the world sure looked at him differently. Yep – he got the gray hair, shaved it all off and on a big head, it’s not a good look, gained a lot of weight and dresses sloppily now. What’s with these 60 yr old guys? Thank God I opened that damn curtain one day.
CL……..BINGO!!! once again.
We, chumps, need to release a little and this is the perfecto place to do it in!
I don’t want to feel shamed for that.
“Cheaters, narcs, I do think they prefer fantasy and superiority. They cannot self deprecate. They really DO think they are the shit and you are their inferior.”
I could not agree MORE.
CL agreed also. If we can all find our inner sense of humour in such a soul destroying situation it can propel us forward instead of staying stuck. So snark away, it is what makes you so unique/
Sensitive of others as always ML and a very good comment.
You are right about that, we did indeed love them despite it all.
My cheater is attractive. We’re in our mid-30’s, so gravity and aging haven’t quite caught up to us yet. While he does have many attractive qualities, he also has some negatives. Such as: not showering every day and having the greasy hair that comes with it, not brushing his teeth and having garbage breath, stinky pits from not showering enough, and finally, questionable bathroom habits. One night during an intimate encounter, I came face-to-face with a dime-sized dingleberry. Yes I did. So gross!
Schmoopie that old whore, well, she’s a lot worse for the wear. She’s 10 years older than us and still rocks the bleached-blonde 80’s big hair look, she weighs about 90 lbs because she’s bulimic and has no teeth because she lost them from the bulimia. One actually came flying out of her mouth while she was having a conversation at work. How charming. Mr. Wonderful had the nerve to admit that she’s smaller than me. Well yeah, I could be smaller too if I barfed up every meal I ate. As is, I’m an attractive woman at 36-28-36. Not big by any means. Schmoopie also doesn’t have tits, which I do and I know he likes ’em. He must like kibbles and cake more though.
I almost dry heaved over “dime-sized dingleberry”. Hahahaha 🙂
What’s a dingleberry??
Never Mind! We used to call them Will-Nots – guys made it up. Same thing. I have will-nots today. (meaning they are stuck on the butt – ewwww)
Will Not come off!
I’ve got a bit of a different take.
My ex-wife was attractive. No argument there. And, her AP was a handsome man, in shape and well built. I’m no slouch in the physical attractiveness department. But, judging on that alone, I’d say he’s got me beat. All fine and good. (I’ve got him handily beat in the “integrity,” “dignity,” and “quality-of-character department,” which I’m quite content with.)
However, like all other aspects of cheating, cheaters have a way of turning our positive attributes against us. It didn’t matter how attractive I was…because my ex-wife found a fault with that aspect of me, to help justify her actions.
For example, after her affair started, she complained about my practice of getting up early in the mornings to go to the gym. Suddenly, it was a problem that I wasn’t lying in bed with her — the old “We’re living separate lives” argument.
At the other end of the day, she complained that we stayed in and cooked healthy meals for one another…instead of going out and indulging on fatty burgers and beers. We were “boring,” and I had to try harder to make her life more exciting and romantic.
So, my healthy lifestyle…which directly contributed to my physical attractiveness…became a detriment. She found a way to add another log to the fire of why she was so miserable in her marriage.
Hot or not? Don’t bother answering, because your cheater will find a way to complain about you, regardless.
A friend’s STBX talks constantly about how FUN his new wife is. She shows up uninvited on golf vacations with his friends, where she is the only wife there. FUN! She makes spontaneous huge purchases from their joint account without telling him. SPONTANEOUS! She’s flashed her boobs at his family members! And she’s always super-horny, and wants to have sex in random public places. SEXY!
But my friend is BORING. You see. All she did was bring home pay checks, keep the house running, take care of their kids, and book boring family vacations where you can’t flash people or have sex in public. I give it six months before he figures out that her being FUN is actually being batsh*t insane. She shows up uninvited when he’s with his friends because she doesn’t trust him to be away from her and not cheat. She makes huge purchases without telling him because she feels entitled to all of his money. And she’s hypersexual because she’s desperate to keep his interest. It’s going to get ugly fast.
The mow was so sporty and outdoorsy and always free to meet him at hotels. As was he! They both neglected a total of 2 spouses and 7 kids with their easy breezy lifestyle for 6 months of screwing. During that time, I was “too wrapped up in the kids and not doing much to better myself”. Yeah, dancing double-time since daddy was awol. Now? “The mow was a horrible mother, she was willing to leave 4 kids at any moment to blow me, not just during work but on weekends.” I guess it’s all in how you look at it, cheater.
Chumpguy and pucksmuse, I agree with you both.
I’m all for fun and excitement, and even being risque once in a while. And I know that a marriage needs spontaneity now and again. But, that’s not WHY I got married. I got married for all of the benefits that come from a long-term relationship. Fun and excitement are the icing on the cake, and certainly not my top priorities when other aspects of life need attention.
I didn’t understand it when I was younger that my ex-wife’s “fun” personality came with a deep downside. She couldn’t sit still. She got bored so easily. She wanted constant excitement and stimulation.
And when she finally decided that I couldn’t provide it for her at the level she wanted, she used that justify her affair (along with a host of other reasons that seemed to change every few months).
It’s funny, though. You know what they say about people who get bored easily? *They’re* *boring*. They need outside stimulation, as opposed to generating their own happiness and fulfillment. We all need social interaction and validation. But cheaters need it much more than most.
“I didn’t understand it when I was younger that my ex-wife’s “fun” personality came with a deep downside. She couldn’t sit still. She got bored so easily. She wanted constant excitement and stimulation.
And when she finally decided that I couldn’t provide it for her at the level she wanted, she used that justify her affair (along with a host of other reasons that seemed to change every few months).”
JC, your ex wife and my ex husband belong together. I’ll bet your ex embarrassed you a lot in public with her over-the-top antics, right? My ex certainly did — there was nothing he would not do for attention. And of course, I was boring because I could not possibly meet his need for constant excitement.
These days, I run from anyone who always needs to be the life of the party. When I was young and dumb, I thought that was fun. Now that I’m older and tireder, I know that it is a red flag of disorder.
Ooooo, yeah…ok I’m putting some things together from my own marriage from what you’ve written. Yes, the constant stimulation bit…that wasn’t an all the time need for my ex but when we were in public or in a group, watch out! He embarrassed me many times at weddings and functions with his family, in particular. If he felt like he was in a group of people he knew bought into his crap he would literally go into his alter ego for hours! I’m talking he would get drunk (always included alcohol) and bring out what I used to call “the party guy” when I’d describe it to friends and our therapist. Party guy is fun loving, hilarious, dancing with sweet old ladies and little kids on the dance floor…onlookers would laugh and laugh and wonder why I wasn’t joining in on all the fun. I was SO uncomfortable. These people had no idea how different the man I lived with was from this attention whore. I came off as a wet blanket and he looked like the fun guy being held back.
Equally awkward was when it was with his family and it was he and his 5 siblings literally competing for the “I’m the funniest sociopath” trophy. It was like an all night festival of over the top antics, covert-aggressive jabs at each other with cynical laughing afterwards….
It was so uncomfortable to watch yet no one else seemed to think it was odd.
Oh how glad I am that I’m no longer living that lie!
Another frustrating aspect of all this is that STBX either doesn’t see or refuses to see how his new “FUN” wife’s behavior affects his family, friends and kids. Taking spontaneous weekend trips is fun, but it sucks for the kids when they arrive at his home for a scheduled weekend visit to find that Dad and Stepmom have decided to take last-minute trip without them and didn’t think to let the kids know. Yes, it’s sexy (to him) to have a wife who is uninhibited, but his siblings don’t particularly want to see his wife’s bare breasts. Yes, it’s a big surprise for him to find his wife waiting for him at the condo where he and his buddies are supposed to spend the weekend golfing, but none of the other wives are there, which changes the entire dynamic of the trip and leaves the friends with difficult questions to answer when the other wives ask, “Why was STBX’s wife allowed on the trip when we weren’t?”
And when people point out these inconveniences and discomforts, it sends STBX into full on Romeo and Juliet defense mode, “You just don’t know how to have any FUN. You’re just BORING and JEALOUS. You WISH your wife was as fun and hot as mine! You just want me to go back to being a boring old soccer dad again!”
It’s sad and disappointing that he could be so shortsighted and selfish.
This reminds me of the movie with Jessica Lang and Tommy Lee Jones in Blue Sky. This was his wife. She was nuts.
JC, right on the money. Being a good dad, a good provider, a good partner who had her back all the time, an overall “great guy” (as she said) who was nice to her and others, made me boring. She was tired of going to a nice restaurant with another couple and then “just going home like a bunch of old farts”. She wanted to go to clubs to dance and bars to party. (She’s 58, I’m 62). Tried to accomodate a bit even though I kind of outgrew that a while back. It wasn’t enough. She asked “Where’s the boy who used to be a wild partier?” Uh, maybe running my own demanding business for 35 years and being a dad and husband with 110% of my capacity.
Yes, I had the feeling that the attributes and solidity she (and other people) had valued in me somehow became reasons to ditch me because I was not a bad boy or a rake. Ashamed to say it, but it caused me to become a bit defensive at first, but that’s long since gone. And I knew in my heart of hearts that had I tried to change to suit her, it would never have changed anything, she would have found other excuses to do what they do. I would have been another victim of the pick me dance that always leaves you standing alone on the dance floor.
JC, my husband was not over weight at all but he was out of shape. He had a pot belly that he could seriously set a small plate on. We even joked about it. I was not over weight by any means either. I always tried to exercise and would practically beg him to go with me. Occasionally he would walk with me but he would complain the whole time about how walking didn’t do anything for you. So I would say, ok, then help me migrate from walking to jogging so we can do that together. Nope, he wanted nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t bike with me either even after I got him a brand new bike for free.
I dropped 25 pounds in just a few months after discovering his cheating and he never noticed even though everyone else did. After I kicked him out, he decided he had to match my weight loss so he could look the part of the poor guy whose horrible wife kicked him out to go along with the crap he’s spinning to cover for his serial cheating habit. He’s lost that pot belly and has started working out every day at his apartment complex but since he has no clue how to properly use the equipment, he tore something and now having to go to physical therapy. I guess it’s important to him now that he needs to lure in another chump to take care of him.
JC…..precisely! What the XPOS once thought was so funny and great about me is what he then despised and picked fault at when he was cheating.
I really couldn’t understand it (pre DDay). Then, of course, I got it!
PIG!!
I hear you JC. Every endearing quality thst attracted them to you at first will evebtually be used against you as fuel to the infidelity fire.
I was told by ex husband that I was too much of a lady and my standards were too high and he actually said to me just before D Day “not everyone has your standards you know”. Those standards and my ladylike behaviour are the very things besides my good looks (ha ha!) that attracted him to me. Now I am 63 years old and I cannot compete with teenage Cambodian prostitutes. My stomach still wants to heave when I think about what he has done and is still doing.
Members of vulnerable populations rarely have higher standards – BECAUSE THEY CANT!!!
must be part of the cheater goggle package
“Teenage Cambodian prostitutes” remind me of a garden party where I met a guy I knew when I was at university. Back then, he was not good looking, had poor hygiene, and could not get laid, but at least he was kind. There in front of the barbecue, he was a 50 year old grey balding man, sporting a vietnamese shirt and accompanied by a much younger Vietnamese wife. And he was nasty to her. He was visibly enjoying the cruel things he was saying to her. One week later, he was in Cambodia, and posted on Facebook pictures of a young prostitute for everyone to see, including his wife. The overlooked nerd had discovered Asia and felt like a king. On Valentine day, he posted: “Happy Valentine to women who weigh less than 50 kilos” (110 lb). Nice !
ChumpfromFrance–what a POS that guy is. I hope he contracts a nice STD that turns his whatzit green.
Sounds like me ex!! I am 5ft 6 ins tall, 120 lbs and I am quiet and reserved yet I am very well liked. My ex loved that about me, now he is advertising on dating sites for girls who are bright and bubbly, slim or athletic in body and preferably Asian. Our daughter is 35 years and our son is 32 years. I just cannot wrap my head around what he is doing or wanting. It makes me physically sick to think about it.
I know how you feel Maree, my husband is 69 and is chasing young nubile girls from Thailand. He is a bald old man and gave up on me for that. We have been married for over 40 years. I cannot compete with them. He has been back to Thailand 4 times in 2 years and is going again next month. I am thinking of divorce, we have been separated 2 years still living in same house, I have had enough. I did all the hard yards but it wasn’t enough. I am laughing at the comments, haven’t had a good laugh in ages. Today I found a bank receipt of money he has been sending to a Mrs in Thailand. I nearly vomited.
Alex for your own sanity divorce him. My ex husband is 63, we have known each other for 45 years, together for 40 and married for 37. Our devotion and loyalty means absolutely nothing to them. My ex is now selling up everything and moving over to Cambodia. He started off in Vietnam and ‘graduated’ to Cambodia. I actually asked him 2 years when I did still speak to him if he would ever live there and his comment was “there is nothing there except the girls”!! Bingo. I still want to vomit when I think of what he has done and he does not have any embarrassment about who knows what he is up to. The only thing that I take solace in, is everyone and I mean everyone who knows the 2 of us are telling me how wonderful I am looking and how shocking/awful he is looking. I think it is his black, empty, soulless heart now showing and he doesn’t care. Neither do I anymore. He will die in Cambodia, no doubt.
Thanks for your input Maree. We seem to be in similar situations. I asked my husband for a divorce and he calmly replied “it’s up to you” as if I asked him to do the dishes. Tomorrow I am going to call Legal Aid to see where I stand since he has left us broke. He also has no shame or regret and truth be told he is gaining nothing by cheating on me with a bit of fluff. He has everything to lose. He is the one that will be left with a woman who only wants his money, little does she know he has none. Well good luck to him and good luck to your husband. I also take care of myself and am 9 years younger but obviously not young enough. I have become much stronger now and wouldn’t have him back even if he begged me. It’s his loss but he won’t realise that until it is too late. Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, our husbands had to go overseas to find someone, that tells me a lot.
I hope you copied it for future use.
Maree, you reminded me that Schmoopie gave STBX a pen that had his name on it and the qualities associated with that name. The qualities associated with his name? “A loyal person with high standards.”
I’m sure she didn’t get the irony of giving that pen to a cheater at all. 😛
On another note, it’s not that you can’t compete, it’s that you won’t compete. Your X sounds disgusting!
this is what scares me about reconciliation, that in ten years I’ll find out it was all for nothing. then how to start a new life?
willowchump–that is exactlly what made me bail on the thought of reconciliation, even though the only affair I knew about had ended 8 years ago. He told me, “You’re the only one who thinks I’ll still cheat.” I shrugged and thought, “let those people confident of your fidelity marry you then; you don’t get a second chance to hurt me once I know about it.”
4.5 months after D-day–turns out it was at least 2 fuckbuddies over the course of 2 years, and now I strongly suspect others are hidden beneath the surface. 98% of those who will do it once will do it again, given the opportunity. Just be aware.