Cheater Song ParodiesChump Nation member extraordinaire, UXWorld, has a rare gift for turning any infidelity topic into popular song. To honor his clever, mordant sense of humor and service to CN, we’ve catalogued his song parodies on this page. Enjoy!


“Here Comes the Sun” — Tributes to Chump Lady

Blog Post:   Snark and Dance Tunes  (April 19, 2019)

Summary:  A long distance anniversary dedication goes out to the Chump Lady blog, and to the paradox that while it’s a life saver when we need it most, it also aims to get all chumps to the point where we DON’T need it anymore.

To the tune of: “Can I Have This Dance” (Anne Murray)

I’ll always remember the hell of my D-Day
My mind in a horrible place
I found you on Google, and knew when I came here
I’d found my saving grace

Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
To deal with and process every misdeed?
Things become better the more I read
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?

I’ll always be grateful for gaining the know-how
To understand shit cheaters say
For Bullshit Translation, for Tempest and Nomar,
Cashmere and L-A-J

Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
To deal with and process every misdeed?
Things become better the more I read
Can I have this blog for as long as I need?

“Dear Sir or Madam, Will You Read My Book . . .”  — Cheater Self-Glorification in the Media

Blog Post:   UBT: The Burger-Flipping Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name  (June 3, 2019)

Summary:  A wannabe writer and her soulmate, each “on the verge of new beginnings,” blow up their marriages to “unsupportive partners” after finding true love working a hamburger stand at a county fair.

To the tune of: “Scarborough Fair” (Simon and Garfunkel)

Are you going to Oregon Fair?
Music, hippies, burgers and fries
Oh please leave town, and take the kids with you
Then you’ll get a stunning surprise

Tell her to make me an elephant ear
Music, hippies, burgers and fries
She clutched my throat and I spilled my coffee
All before a teenager’s eyes

Tell her to wait in a blueberry field
Music, hippies, burgers and fries
The moon will tell us what we must do
Just before my daddy sauce dries

Ambitious people held back by adults
Music, hippies, burgers and fries
We’d steal away, but (fuck!) I have children
Married men just don’t leave their wives

Pity the masses who don’t understand
Music, hippies, burgers and fries
We’ll brave the judgement and the derision
And we’ll win the treachery prize


Blog Post: UBT: “The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life”  (April 17, 2019)

Summary:  NYT columnist David Brooks promotes his new book and explains how having an affair with his research assistant led him to “look beyond himself and instead focus on service to others.”

To the tune of: “Rocky Top” (The Osbourne Brothers)

Wish that I was on ol’ Annie Top
Down at the Holiday Inn
Ain’t no saggy boobs on Annie Top
Ain’t no wrinkling skin
Wish I had a girl like Annie Top
To fuel this ego of mine
We’ll have coitus as we island hop
Leaving Sarah behind
Annie Top, you’ll always be
Trophy Wife to me
Good ol’ Annie Top
Annie Top, rescue me . . .
Annie Top, rescue me . . .

To the tune of: “Rocky Mountain High” (John Denver)

He was published in the winter of his 57th year
Mulling over a life he’d never led before
He left Sarah/Jane behind him; you might say he was bailing out
You might say he’d found a chump he could abhor

When he first met Annie Snyder, his life was unfulfilled
Feeling low, with no frivolity
But the cheating helped revive him, now he’s on the morning shows
And he’s filling out a wedding registry

And the egocentric Second Mountain High . . .
It helps to keep his little willy spry
The book tours and the spotlight will never cease to satisfy
Second Mountain Hiiiiiiiiiigh (fuck the valley)
Second Mountain Hiiiiiiiiiigh (fuck the valley)


“Keep Playin’ Those Mind Games . . .” —  Cheater Manipulations

Blog Post: Blameshifting Jujitsu (June 14, 2019)
Summary:  From a Friday challenge inspired by a chump being told by his ex  that all of his faults and mistakes drove her to have a lesbian affair.  Chumps were challenged to ‘flip the script’ on attempts to shift blame for infidelity back on to the chump.

To the tune of: “Kung Fu Fighting” (Carl Douglas)


Every cheater was burden-shifting
Won’t do no heavy lifting
That explains their attention-drifting
And all of their annoyance-riffing:

“There’s no fun without the kids, no aliens on TV”
“There’s no squirting on command (even if it’s just pee)”
“You’re too calm and far too wise, and you routinely criticize”
“And the more I sit and think, you’re the reason that I drink . . .”


Blog Post: Why Gaslighting Works  (October 31, 2019)

Summary:  Chump Lady explains why making someone question their own sanity is a particularly effective manipulation tool for cheaters.

To the tune of: “Heartlight” (Neil Diamond)

Listen to me
I need you to still believe
‘Cuz sometimes I must deceive
So you won’t accept the truth ’bout me

I just made a ‘friend’
A ‘friend’ is someone you screw
And now that I’ve got you on the hook
I’ll explain the deeds that you mistook . . .

Rev up the gaslight
Let it hide what I won’t admit
Let it spread a layer of shit
So you’ll depend on me

Rev up the gaslight

In the middle of your misery
Don’t trust that hunch inside
Gonna take a nice deception ride, you and me . . .


Blog Post: Surely You Must Have Known  (June 4, 2019)

Summary:  Chump Lady details another form of blameshifting manipulation, likening her scenario to a famous Twilight Zone episode when it’s revealed that all of the “normal” people are actually pig-snouted aliens.

To the tune of: “Does Your Mother Know” (Abba)

You’re so dumb, silly chump
You can’t see
That your man isn’t all that you claim him to be
It’d never happen to me

We have trust in our lives
I forgave
And he apologized when I found that he lied
I’m one fortunate bride

But while I have your attention
Here’s a little question:

Does he know that he has a snout?
With all the charm he’s exuded
Hope I’m not deluded
Does he know that he has a snout?

It’s no problem (it’s no problem)
He’s a stand-up guy
It’s all in my head (What’s that sense of dread?)
It’s no problem (it’s no problem)
There’s an alibi
It’s all in my head (What’s that sense of dread?)


Blog Post: UBT: This Isn’t The Real Me  (June 26, 2019)

Summary:  Cheater protests that her deceptive behavior is “not me at my core,” but will forfeit her own happiness and stay with the family “thanks to the will of God.”

To the tune of: “More More More” (The Andrea True Connection)

Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .
Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .

But if you want to know
How I really roll
Keep the hustle going
Keep the bullshit flowing
Baby you know that wasn’t really me
Listen to my drivel
Not the UBT

Core, core, core
Wasn’t the real me, not the ideal me
Core, core, core
Now you can trust me, once we’ve discussed me
Core, core, core
I’m a quick learner — hey, where’s my burner phoooooooone? . . .


Blog Post:  UBT: ‘Don’t give up on me!’  (January 8, 2020)

Summary:  Gay male cheater spends “the whole winter being recalcitrant” about his deceptions on Grindr, then sends a letter to his chump promising to be faithful and true if given another chance.

To the tune of:  “She Believes in Me” (Kenny Rogers)

While he sits waiting, I stay out late at night and dip my wick
And sometimes it’s enough to make me sick
But it’s good, and I make his pretty head fill with dread…

While he stays trusting, I fire up my Grindr app alone
But suddenly he wants to see my phone
And I tell him that he’s using me again,
and I need more men…

And I’m recal-ci-trant! I’ll never know just where my kindness went
I told him someday, if he stayed with me, I would finally see,
And we’d both know why, but I lie

And now he’s leaving me! But he can’t help but still be grieving me
So who knows, maybe, if I write this note, he won’t stay remote
And I’ll start again, start again …

Why Cheaters Think You Could Be Friends with Their Affair PartnerBlog Post:  ‘Why Cheaters Think You Could Be Friends with Their Affair Partner(June 9, 2020)

Summary:  Chump Lady theorizes on why anyone would think that being friends with someone who conspired against is a good idea

To the tune of: “What I Like About You” (The Romantics)

What you’d like about him?
He’s just like you
Thinks he knows the real me but
Doesn’t really have a clue, yeah . . .

Has the kibble train on the track
Feeds me lots of cake and keeps coming back
Cuz he’s dim
It’s what I like about him

What you’d like about her?
She’s really thoughtful and kind
Her legs go up, down, open, closed
Like a venetian blind, yeah . . .

Should have buddied up long ago
When it comes to adulation, she’s no
That’s what I like about her
That’s what I like about her . . . 

Post:  When Is It Okay to Tell Someone STOP?  (June 11, 2020)

Summary:  Chump beats herself up for responding to a ‘happy family” family sent to her by ex-fuckwit and his new sidepiece.  Chump Lady points out that cheaters get off on causing pain, and that the only real solution is “no contact.”

To the tune of: “Turn Around, Look at Me” (The Vogues)

There is someone needing attention
I’m a dick, look at me
There is someone shitting on boundaries
I’m a prick, look at me
There is someone who really gets off
On the thrill of your pain
Watch this clip, see my life
Cuz I’m vain, Cuz I’m vain . . .

I am someone who knows it’s hurtful
But I don’t really care
I am someone cold and disdainful
I won’t stop, so beware
Oh, I’ll goad you
I do it on purpose
So you will notice me
I’m pathetic, antagonistic
I’m a dick, look at me . . .

I insist . . . LOOK AT ME!!!!!! 


I Trolled the Other WomanBlog Post:  ‘I Trolled the Other Woman’   (June 22, 2020)

Summary:  OW, living right next door, pressures ex-fuckwit to get a restraining order after chump confronts her with a picture of a troll.  Chump Nation enjoys a huge laugh.

To the tune of: “Man in the Mirror” (Michael Jackson)

As I, prepare my morning fix
Of soggy Weetabix
I see that bitch ‘cross the yard
Why can’t she just go away,
With minimum delay?
Can’t she see you’re with me,
The one who led her man astray

A chump who won’t play nice, politely asked her twice,
“Do it for the kids”
She’s just being unreasonable you know
But I won’t walk on tiptoe
That’s why I want you to know . . .

I’m looking at the troll in the window
I’m telling you to keep the peace
And I won’t stand for her innuendo
If you want to keep this girl a happy cheat
Take a walk over there, and make her cease


“Try to See It My Way . . .”  — The “Others” Speak 

Blog Post: Dear Chump Lady, I’m the OW and I’m terrified he’ll cheat on me  (July 2, 2019)

Summary:  An OW (who is also a cheater) tries to join Chump Nation when she finds out her fuckwit is cheating one her.  Chump Lady says she’s “one idiot in a long line of idiots.”

To the tune of: “The Greatest Love of All” (Whitney Houston)

I suspect betrayal is my future
He tells me that I am number eight
Can’t believe he’d ever do the same to me
But we have chemistry, which makes it … easier?
Let his stripper’s laughter remind me what’s in store for me

I was once a cheater in my own right
Had no choice, we’d simply grown apart
Felt no need to cultivate what I’d begun
So at year twenty-one
Fucked a married man and said “I’m done”

Now I sit and contemplate
Whether he’ll hook up with an old classmate
If he lies and cheats on me
I might contract an STD
I know he likes to victimize
I just never thought *I’D* be the prize

Because the greatest chump of all just happens to be me
I am the greatest chump of all — don’t you agree?
The greatest chump of all will live in infamy
Give me your sympathy, I’m the greatest chump of all


Blog Post: UBT: The OW Wants Me to Save My Marriage  (June 5, 2019)

Summary:  A panicked OW pleads with the chump she victimized to give the cheater a chance to make things right.  The Universal Bullshit Translator explodes.

To the tune of: “Anticipation” (Carly Simon)

@Landing, I feel the need to email you
To remove any lingering doubt
He loves you — you’re his first, his last, his everything
He told me so as he ate me out

Triangulation, triangulation
It makes me feel great
It’s how I do datin’ . . .

And I tell you how easy it feels to fuck with you
I care not if it makes you anxious or tense
The world is my own personal petri dish
You’re just another of my experiments

Triangulation, triangulation
It makes me feel great
It’s how I do datin’ . . .


Post:  ‘The OW Recommends a Self-Help Book’ (February 10, 2020)

Summary:  A thrice-married OW sends a chump a manual on “enlightenment and healing” co-written by a former circus acrobat who sold Amway and new-age channeler of a celestial consciousness she calls “Abraham.”

To the tune of: “Abraham, Martin and John” (Dion)

Has anybody here seen our old friend Abraham?
Can you tell us what he knows?
He’s got a lot to tell us, but it seems only Esther can.
Would you like some Amway clothes?

Has anybody here seen our old friend C?
Can you tell us where he went?
He scammed a lotta people, but it seems cheaters just can’t resist
He’s a lying malcontent.

Has anybody here seen our old friend Schmoopie?
Can you tell us where she fled?
She wed a lotta people, but it seems she just can’t help herself.
On to someone else’s bed.

Didn’t you love the shit they peddled?
Didn’t they try to find some way to swindle you?
But you’ll be cool,
Meh comes soon, it’s gonna be a Tuesday . . .

Has anybody here seen my old friend JJ?

Can you tell us where she’d be?
I thought I saw her walking away from the bullshit

Of Abraham, Schmoopie and C.


“The Long and Winding Road”. . . to Meh

 Blog Post: Is Betrayal ‘The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You’?   (April 18, 2019)

Summary:  Reader asks Chump Lady if betrayal and recovery can be reframed in a way that benefits chumps.  Chump Lady says “Hell to the no.”  This bit of snark skewers those who try to frame infidelity as a good thing for its victims.

To the tune of: “The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me’” (Gladys Knight and the Pips)

I’ve had my share of his cheating ways
But it’s okay — thank you, R-I-C
I guess you could say that we’re BOTH happy
I guess I should say: “Thank you, in-fid-el-i-ty”

If anyone should doubt my true candor
I was in denial but, now I see
He is free to chase and fuck and philander
Cause it’s the best thing that ever happened to me
Ah, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me


Blog Post: Dear Chump Lady, She changed him   (July 9, 2019)

Summary:  A chump in cancer recovery wonders if she’s suffering from ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ as she can’t seem to stop trying to untangle the Skien of Fuckedupedness.   Chump Lady says that she had a ‘movie date husband’ – “like one of those friends you can go to movies with but are nowhere to be found when life sucker punches you with cancer or divorce.”

To the tune of: “Rubber Band Man” (The Spinners)

Oil down my hairy back
Fumigate my pubes
Gonna ditch my sufferin’ wife
For a blonde with plastic boobs

She and I, we’re steppin’ out
Forgive the fast discard
I’m latching on to fantasy
Cuz real life’s much too hard

Hey ya’ll, prepare yourself for the movie date man
You’ll want to run and hide
From the movie date man
You’ll be much better off
When the movie date abdicates…


Blog Post: When Your D-Day Is After the Divorce  (June 27, 2019)

Summary:  Chump gets post-divorce confirmation of her cheater’s shittiness.  Chump Lady reminds us that we don’t always live in a world where bad people get their comeuppance.

To the tune of: “Be Our Guest” (from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast”)

See I suck, see I suck
You’re a poor authentic shmuck
You can pick me dance for twenty years
And I won’t give a fuck

You just sit silently
While I’m banging number three
You’ll forgive my being narc-y
And you’ll swallow my malarkey

When I’m done with this expressin’
Hopefully you’ll learn the lesson:
If it waddles and it quacks, then it’s a duck
X-Ray Karma, stop the bleating
You’re disturbing my conceiting
See I suck
See I suck
See I suck


Blog Post:  ‘I Turned the Tables’  (May 21, 2020)

Summary:  Chump Lady shuts down a chump who thinks it’s the ultimate power trip to purposely give ex-fuckwit glimpses of what he threw away, and what he’s missing.

To the tune of: “Stuck With You” (Huey Lewis and the News)

I’m having fun, making sure the table’s turned
Biding my own sweet time, and there you are, getting burned
I think about splitting but, I rather like the power trip
I think about shunning but, I find I like the gamesmanship

I could vow to separate
But I like the mindfuck
All the same shit
And the same disorder

Yes, it’s true, I’m happy just to fuck with you
Yes, it’s true, I’m so happy just to fuck with you
But I can’t see (I can’t see) it’s the same as when you fuck with me


My No Contact StinksBlog Post:  ‘My No Contact Stinks’  (May 28, 2020)

Summary:  Chump asks for help maintaining no-contact; Chump Lady suggests ditching the texting, using an intermediary to screen communications (“forward all calls to Betty”), and employing co-parenting software

To the tune of: “Operator” (Jim Croce)

Operator, well could you help me screen this call?
See, I’m trying to no-contact, and I’m exhausted
She’s fucking with my head, with the texting that I dread
Time to let her know that she’s getting frosted

Isn’t that the way they say it goes? Well, let’s forget all that
And tell her from now on she talks to Betty
So I can breathe and begin to forget and to show
This ain’t the status quo, I’ve learned to do self-care
I only wish that Betty could be everywhere
So that I could be free, but that’s not reality


Blog Post:  ‘I Let Him Come Over with Pizza’ (June 1, 2020)

Summary:  Chump fears her “meh is melting” when ex worms his way back into his family’s life with pizza and card games in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic

To the tune of: “That’s Amore” (Dean Martin)

When you treat us like pawns with a large Papa John’s
That’s atrocious
When you blow up our world for some gold-digging girl
That’s atrocious
You will say: “I’m a doting dad, really not so bad”
And expect an ovation
You’ll insist: “I’ll accommodate,” as you contemplate
Your next source of fellation

When you want things wiped clean cuz of Covid-19
That’s atrocious
If you think “why the row?” it’s because we both know
You’re a turd
Please do not misconstrue, I will not allow you to encroach us
‘Scusa me, but you see, we are not your Plan B
That’s atrocious


“All We Are Saying Is Give Peace a Chance” – The PC and RIC Narratives

All We Are Saying Is Give Peace a ChanceBlog Post:   Rethinking the Psychologists Rethinking Monogamy  (May 6, 2019)

Summary:  Chump Lady responds to yet another article about whether monogamy is a reasonable expectation in modern relationships.

To the tune of: “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” (Gordon Lightfoot)

The legend lives on from the Maritimes on down
Of the teacher that called for agreement:
“The research makes plain, and I’ll try to explain,
That the cheating is not a mistreatment.”

“Commitment is tough, so we must have the stuff
To play nice, and we must not disparage.
The issue’s reframed, so they must not be blamed
For the wreck of your family and marriage…”


Blog Post:   UBT: ‘Dear Therapist’   (July 11, 2019)

Summary:  An Atlantic Monthly advice therapist reprimands a chump for not trusting someone who’s already cheater on her once and has been caught carrying on a secret relationship for 2.5 years with a former high-school flame.

To the tune of: “It’s Only Love” (Bryan Adams)

When you’re feelin’ dejected
Because he’s suspected
Don’t ya worry — it’s only lunch

If you think he’s been cheatin’
He’s only lunch-meatin’
Take a chill pill — it’s only lunch
And that’s all, yeah

You’ve stifled your fears
For more than two years
Trust me Linda — it’s only lunch

Don’t believe what you’re thinkin’
The marriage ain’t stinkin’
Have a sandwich — cuz it’s only lunch
Only lunch….


Blog Post: Mistress Is ‘Archaic’ and ‘Sexist’?  (May 11, 2020)

Summary:  The AP Stylebook advocates for replacing the word ‘mistress’ with less judgmental alternatives.  Chump Lady disagrees.

To the tune of: “We Are The Champions” (Queen)

I’ve held his hand
Fondled his hog
I’ve seen his bedroom
When his wife’s on a jog
But I’ve endured
Under duress
I can be called lots of defamations
But not “mistress’

We are ‘companions’ my friends
Cuz that’s what the A-P recommends
We are ‘companions’
We are ‘companions’
Don’t call us fuckwits
‘Cuz we are ‘companions’ . . . to the world!!


Post:  How Come No One But Chumps Seems to Get It?   (June 17, 2020)

Summary:  Chump Lady advises on how to can stop obsessing about ‘fence-walking’ therapists and other cheater apologists.

To the tune of: “I’m On Fire” (Bruce Springsteen)

Hey, therapist, what’s your hourly fee?
Will you take my dough and say the problem’s me?
Hmmm, my situation’s dire
Oh, oh, oh, couch on fire

Tell me, therapist, do you walk the fence?
And do you think neutrality is common sense?
Uh huh, it’s what I require:
Oh, oh, oh, couch on fire

Sometimes I think you will understand, really get what I mean
Only to be directed to the R-I-C machine
Sometimes I pretend I’ll expose your m.o.
Then I’ll sing while drivin’ down to Cabo Mexico
Oh yeah, and then I’ll retire
Oh, oh, oh, couch on fire


Jerry Falwell Jr., Jesus Swinger?Post:   Jerry Falwell Jr., Jesus Swinger?  (Aug 25, 2020)

Summary:  High-visibility religious moralist gets caught in a scandal of his own making with his wife and a hot pool boy, then tries to sad-sausage his way out with rationalizations inspired by the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

To the tune of: “Smooth” (Santana)

Man, he’s a hot one
And he’s so youthful, he could be our son
Well, we got together and agreed he’d be the one
As he cleaned our pool
Our little panda, our sexy Giancarlo Granda
He’s the reason we’re quitting
Our religious school

But if you said:
“How ’bout that godly life?”
I’d say: “Who cares? Please bang my wife!”
I will sit right here, and watch the bums and tits”
Cuz we’re hypocrites
And it really don’t matter what people say
I know Jesus will forgive us some the judgement day
The only thing that matters is that students pay, yeah
Give me your bucks, take my word, and just forge