Cheaters Never Trade Up — The Lola Doctrine

While I’m jetting towards Australia, I’m running a guest column today by CN member “Lola Granola.” Enjoy! — Tracy

Too often when we are on the receiving end of cheating, it’s at the end of a long process of devaluation and discard. Sometimes it’s not –- sometimes we are blindsided in what we thought was a happy and functional partnership of equals, with good sex, shared interest, and mutual respect.

So when we see the affair partner, we are a mess of conflicting emotions: What have they got that I haven’t got? Is it her ass/boobs/cooking/blonde hair/ethnicity/brilliance/success? Is it his bigger dick/better technique/cashflow/full head of hair/manly tattoos?

Whether you are a hot mess of abuse, or a blindsided success story, there is one maxim which I would love to see all cheaters take to heart.

I call it the Lola Doctrine: ‘Cheaters never trade up.’

I’ve been hanging round on Chump Lady long enough to learn that no matter how big her boobs are, or his salary is, the cheater’s partner in crime is always LESS THAN the chump.

Even when the karma bus hasn’t come over the hill yet, it’s plain to see that two really awful people have found each other. As chumps often say: water seeks its own level.

When I read chumps beating themselves up for being homely, or distracted, or too tired, or too pregnant, or not ambitious enough, or too boring, it breaks my heart. This is understandable, because it’s what we are told from Day 1 when there’s cheating —  that it’s our fault for being not [blank] enough, and that we have to Own Our Part in the Relationship Breakdown.

But this is so wrong on every level.

We were doing our best, and in lots of cases, more than our best. We were working multiple jobs, raising kids, managing finances, trying to stay more or less in shape while also having some sleep every now and then.

We were also –- sometimes under real pressure — staying faithful to our marriage or our partnership. This makes us good people. Yes, that’s right. The good guys.

But the AP wasn’t. The AP was swimming around like a lazy shark that’s broken into the paddling pool full of small children (our relationship).

And the Cheater wasn’t sounding the alarm, or fishing all the kids out of the damn pool. Instead, they was watching from the sidelines, admiring the strength of those jaws, the curve of that fin, and that winning smile.

The AP is not, and never will be, better than you. It doesn’t matter how good they look on Facebook, or how much money they have. An AP is someone with, at best, a shitty character, and at worst a serious personality disorder. They are the bottom-feeders of the relationship food chain.

The hardest part in this process is acknowledging that our Cheater is perhaps not the wonderful person in whom we invested so much time, money and love — the swell party who has naturally moved on to a Better Place because of our hideous muffin-top. They don’t call us Chumps for nothing. But hey – the process of self-forgiveness for being fooled by a predator starts with baby steps.

If you’ve been systematically abused, then get some good therapy to help you regain your life and your sense of self-respect. If you’ve been blindsided, do the same thing. Once you start to repair your self-worth, you will realise that it’s true: Cheaters Never Trade Up.

If you can internalise this, just a little bit, it makes the whole Gaining a Life thing a bit easier. And it will also help get you to Meh faster.

****

Every time you support Chump Nation on Patreon, those muffin tops… just keep rocking the muffin top.

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LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
6 years ago

My cheater GOT himself a richer, more sporty, more “organised” version of me. Yeah, facial recognition softwares get the AP’s pictures and mine mixed up.

But she “lacks humour”, “doesn’t have much empathy”, and “is less intelligent”. How do I know that? He told me.
Do I believe him? No.

So if you are a Dutch woman living in Thailand, beware. Someone you love is badmouthing you.

She does have a lot of crappy sides, though. Naivité, screwing married men (plural), letting a man buy a house with my money, using my toddler to impress her family… without me knowing of existence.
Yeap, crappy.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
5 years ago

My STBX’s fucktard looks just like me .It confuses my 3 year old grandson. She has no education- I have a master’s degree, she never had children, I have 3. She gives bad/irresponsible advice to my kids. They don’t like or trust her. She worked most of her life in retail (now trying to be a realtor who can’t even sell her own house). I’ve worked in professional field. Just found out they are breaking up because he has issues to work on. Ya Think? She’s an idiot. I am not. Took me awhile to stop torturing myself that I was not enough or too much and let their true nature show. What a waste of time.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Lily, interestingly enough they do a comparative analysis. The Limited bragged that she MADE NO MONEY! In the next breath he said he couldn’t get anywhere with me!

My therapist put it into perspective for me; he can’t get looks or intelligence.
And her boobs touch her belly button. She’s hideously ugly with a man’s voice.

Character matters Lily. The downgrade lacks a moral compass regardless of her earning power or looks! So face recognition lacks the ability to differentiate character, integrity and loyalty. They aren’t the winners here. We are.

PostItNoteBully
PostItNoteBully
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Ex and ap (now fiance) look so much alike, it’s crazy! Every time I showed a photo of the two bottom feeders together, first thing out of every person’s mouth was “Oh my god, they look like twins!” She is built like a man and is bigger than ex, sounds like a man (she has been a smoker for 30 years), has orange skin, and a bright yellow “can I speak to the manager haircut.
Funny story… 5 days after Dday (3/13/17), I discovered a $700 concert ticket purchase (date of concert June 2017 in another town) on our joint bank account statements. After their trip, she actually posted a complaint for a hotel they stayed at on FB that included a picture of the restaurant bar’s dirty sink, saying they (the cheating couple) picked that hotel specifically for the restaurant and ended up not eating there because of it. Oh well, I guess that’s what you get when you sleep with a married man and his wife helps pay for your dates with your married boyfriend. Speak to the manager ho!

The disordered extends into AP telling ex how to dress (she buys his clothes), what to say (evident by phone records- texts, images/ screenshots shared-and response text with totally different ‘voice’ and change in tone given to my daughter and me), and what to think. So he’s got this weird momma/lover/twin thing going on. Ex is such a wuss. AP already has a son with special needs. Well, now she can take of two boys.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Wth???????????????? is a “can I speak to the manager haircut?”

I’ve never heard this expression…. hilarious! But what does it look like?

ChumpedinCalifornia
ChumpedinCalifornia
6 years ago

Think early Kate Gosselin. It’s chin length in the front, then cut shorter in the back.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago

OMG, I had that hair cut last year, kicked myself in the ass for months afterwards waiting for it to grow out.
????????????????????

PostItNoteBully
PostItNoteBully
6 years ago

^^^Well, now she can take care of two boys.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Postit – that’s probably the ultimate in falling in love with yourself. They probably have matching beards!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

^^^ Cheater and AP are looking more and more alike..^^^

Glad he left when he did, he’s the last person I’d want to resemble especially as I age.

susan devlin
susan devlin
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

My exs, ow sounded like a man, are you in America or England, seriously the first time I spoke to her I thought it was a man

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Susan

America. And I though I she was the OW mother. I literally laughed. There isn’t a mentally healthy woman who could listen to his bullshit and think he’s a keeper.

Cyndi
Cyndi
6 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Other people have reported that OW is manly too, gravelly voice as well. The pics that I have seen generally don’t indicate that, but they do vary greatly in terms of being attractive.

It’s funny though because hands down, her mouth and nose make Shrek her perfect caricature.

I don’t care about any of that really, although it does indulge my petty side hearing less than flattering reports, her soul is ugly. That’s what matters most to me, she will never compare and I don’t envy her at all.

Mary
Mary
5 years ago
Reply to  Cyndi

“Her soul is ugly.” So true. It really is about character and little else. My soon to be ex-husband’s two current affair partners (Surprise!) are both rather successful: the first makes a ton of money and the second has a PhD and works for an Ivy League school. So on the surface, sure. But they are both like rotten apples: shiny and pretty perhaps at first glance, but cut them open, and you’ll have nothing but rotten, mushy fruit. (Plus they both have really ugly hair.)

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
5 years ago
Reply to  Mary

My guys AP or EAP (or whatever truth really is). Works at a huge international company headquartered in my town. Makes a lot of money works from home. Is a widower who inherited money from that and then her father died so inherited money from that. She already made a lot of money and has a big beautiful home with a pool in a great part of town on a golf course.

My only consolation is that SHE befriended a married man, became emotionally involved, and then pulled my husband away from me. I know I’m not supposed to blame her. It was my husband who did it. But from what my husband tells me – he was told AP is a “people collector”. I’m not sure what that is. But she has a lot of friends and “everyone” loves her. She’s always helping people out. And gives selflessly. Gag me with a fucking spoon. She fucked a married man! That makes her SHIT.

Cloud
Cloud
5 years ago

Yup. All shiny and pretty with her pool and her money – but shallow, fake, dishonest, and soulless. I swear – they are all the same. If you knowingly fuck a married man, that makes you slimy. Period. No amount of perfume will cover up the smell.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Cyndi

what about a high pitched fake voice intended to depict a younger, sweet, child voice, put on sexy voice when in reality she’s nothing but a ho that screws married men and only the stupid narcissist would believe that that voice is real. Does she talk baby talk too? Probably. The dimwit probably thinks it’s going to turn on the married men

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Cyndi

The first AP that I’m aware of, is a triathlete which doesn’t mean all triathlete women look masculine, but she does. Her face has masculine features, her body looks more like a mans, her body language is also more masculine. Cheater started dressing like her, wearing white baseball caps, and white t-shirts. He refused to wear white while we were married or wear sporty little caps. Cheater decided to become a triathlete once they started publicly dating. He then started wearing florescent colored cycling ensembles with all the matching accessories for each color. I came across photos of the two of them in triathlons wearing matching outfits.. I think the competition and training between the two of them became too time consuming for Cheater. I noticed his dating profile on Match.com while he was with AP. Cheater found a new love on Match and left his triathlete for another more masculine looking woman. She’s tall thin, blonde and looks like a man trying hard to look feminine. He has her working out and she recently entered a body building competition for her age group which is commendable . I’m not sure if it”s the age everything that makes her look like a man dressing up as a woman or just her. I don’t thinks she’d be attractive without, her lashes, fake boobs, pumped up lips, or hair extensions. Gives her the Kaitlyn Jenner look but not quite as attractive. I’ve often wondered if his AP’s are his decoys and he’s Gay but doesn’t feel comfortable coming out.

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I wish you could post a photo of him in his cycling ensemble! That had to give you a good laugh. Just picturing it made my day!

marissathechump
marissathechump
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Nothing wrong with masculine women. And they aren’t necessarily cheaters or OW somehow. Plus they can be chumps too. Gender policing doesn’t seem appropriate in this space. Please be considerate of the diverse range of chumps reading here.

Peaceful
Peaceful
5 years ago

Totally agree, Marissa. Attacking OW based on their appearance is uncalled for. As is the tone policing for you calling it out.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Masculine women aren’t the issue here. Cluster B’s enjoy the game ; it’s rigged.

I was erased by a toxic asshole who thought the grass was greener. We as Chumps are led to believe it’s our fault.

This post is about the downgrade. To my surprise he ended up with a skank. Physically she’s no prize. I was made to feel inadequate for most of my adult life. I’m celebrating her saggy tits, ugly face, and mental illness that made her so fuckimg needy she harassed me, the victim of years of abuse. I was threatened and harmed. She has the voice of a three pack a day bar whore.

It wouldn’t have mattered if she was younger or had money.

As a criticism he told me if he was a woman he’d be the most beautiful woman he could be.

The downgrade suits me just fine. That’s what he wakes up to every day. An ugly cunt.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

She apologized for any insensitivity, how about we leave it at that?

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

How about we just give posters the benefit of the doubt and NOT dump our own issues on what we think they’re saying?

marissathechump
marissathechump
6 years ago

” this is a PC-free zone. It’s not fair to try to restrict our thoughts when we are trying to articulate intense emotions. That in itself is hard enough.”

Wouldn’t it then be doubly unfair to have experienced this form of narcissistic abuse from a serial cheater and, when we come to a forum for emotional support from others with similar experiences, that we find comments like these that marginalize us?

diagonal
diagonal
6 years ago

marissathechump this is a PC-free zone. It’s not fair to try to restrict our thoughts when we are trying to articulate intense emotions. That in itself is hard enough. No one here is trying to insult anyone else. Hugs if you thought otherwise.

brit
brit
6 years ago

I apologize if I came across as being insensitive, or insulted anyone. That certainly wasn’t my intention. I’m describing my observation and what others have described to me about the AP’s. I admire anyone who is able to compete in a triathlon. I wish I had the drive, stamina and strength.

I have a diverse group of friends and we talk about everything including this subject and Cheater. We’ve been friends for decades (since high school). I haven’t said anything in my posts that I haven’t said in their presence.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I’m sure he’s in his glory bragging that his new love has competed in a body building competition. Unlike his soft wife, who had his child and supported him when he was unemployed, sacrificing her career for “our career,” the devoted wife busy taking care of our son, volunteering at our sons’ school everyday, taking care of everything at home, cooking, bills, cleaning, chauffeur for our son while he pouted and felt sorry for himself.

If I had thought less of our family and more about fake eyelashes, fake boobs, getting surgery to improve my appearance, and worked out everyday without anything else to think about I’d be entering body building competitions.

Wow
Wow
1 year ago
Reply to  brit

Yup silly me too spending money on kids & bills instead of Botox, Boob jobs & Blow job lips like the OW!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Hey Lily —

Somehow I believe your cheater when he says she “lacks humour”, “doesn’t have much empathy”, and “is less intelligent”.

AussieChump
AussieChump
6 years ago

“They are the bottom-feeders of the relationship food chain.”

Thanks Lola! ????

STBX had everything. A loving wife. Three amazing kids. A comfortable home. Pets. A decent paying job. I don’t even know how it would be possible to ‘trade up’ from that. What a dick.

ChumpierThanThou
ChumpierThanThou
5 years ago
Reply to  AussieChump

My own cheater decided to return to an old flame – and I MEAN old, as in from 30 years ago. Re-bonded over Facebook, and as soon as that happened, that was it for our 24-year marriage.

This guy lives on the other side of the country, and sounds like such a great life prospect: Nothing resembling what you’d call a career. Pretty much on the breadline. Destroyed marriage of his own. “Artistically” inclined. Perfectly happy to help wreck someone else’s marriage and family. Etc. I know, I know – pass the sick bag, right?

I’m sure it’s a power-and-control thing. If the cheater trades down, they can keep control.

Emotional affairs are wonderful, aren’t they? And no, I don’t think my cheater has actually seen him face-to-face since all this blew up 6 months ago. She’s remedying that problem today. And we’re in a no-fault jurisdiction, so basically I stand to lose 50% of everything I have.

So I’m working really hard every day on reminding myself that my spoiled, entitled, fantasy-driven cheater is now going to be Someone Else’s Problem. With far less ability to pay to keep the fantasy going. Once I get over my fury mountain and associated PTSD symptoms, hopefully I can properly start to comprehend these facts: I still have real friends, an extended family who love me, and an actual career – a real life in other words, not a fantasy one.

Freewill101
Freewill101
6 years ago
Reply to  AussieChump

Mine has the same. We were so close to having our home paid off. We would have been living a life of luxury in our forties with our four beautiful daughters who admired and respected both their parents!
Now his AP is his wife and he will walk away with about 30% of what we owned and his kids won’t have anything to do with him.
Yep he sure made his life better!!

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
5 years ago
Reply to  Freewill101

So sorry. What a waste. They don’t think about that, though. Only themselves.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  AussieChump

Best quote of the day. There will never be a point in time that I will consider the OW a decent human being. Not even if she turns into Mother Theresa.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Don’t want to offend any Catholics out there, but there is actually a lot of evidence that Mother Theresa was a very narcissistic woman (I read an analysis in “Rethinking Narcissism”, written by a Harvard psychologist so I think fairly reliable assessment). I was particularly gratified by this as OW for me is very religious (new age), promotes herself as this benevolent generous woman (I only looked at her Facebook profile once but her cover photo was of her volunteering with poor young children overseas) and yet has been overtly cruel and dismissive of the emotional wellbeing of my (obviously less useful for promotional purposes and inconvenient to fulfilling her desires) children, particularly my eldest. Obviously with my ex it is personal (and not – we are and were to a large extent useful/not useful objects, although I didn’t realise this at the time), but with her it is still a lack of common humanity – not very (fake) Mother Theresa, or maybe actually very real Mother Theresa, in fact.

My Lovely Lady Chumps
My Lovely Lady Chumps
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

I know to what you refer… my source was a print media article how MT wouldn’t let patients with AIDS watch television.

It’s kind of heartbreaking to read chumps’ incredulity at how she could possibly be a bad or hypocritical or narcissistic person given all her good deeds… just picturing the same said about their cheating, abusive spouses.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

I agree, @OuttaSparkles.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Getmefree, I get your point on never will the ow be held up in a good light.

Outasparkles there are plenty of altruistic narcs. I think my mother was one to some degree. I always said “I married my mom, not my dad.” Difference was she was honest and of good character and would have never physically abandoned her family.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Judge by their actions. “By their fruit you will know them” and “you will know they are Christians by their love for each other”

I’m not sure how anyone would ever consider a woman who gave her life to ministering to the poor and unwanted and who took a vow of poverty for herself, could ever be considered narcissistic. Compared to whom?

Polly
Polly
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Because her “homes for the sick” were actually places of misery where very ill people were left to die without medical aid or pain relief, despite M Theresa courting donations from the wealthiest people in the world. She often said that pain brings a person closer Christ, like how he suffered on the cros. She had no interest in relieving suffering, but simply observing it. The evidence of this has been around for decades, that M Theresa was actually a fraud and a sadist, who lived in comfort and luxury while those she ministered to were left to suffer. If you’re interested I am happy to track down the citations for you.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  Polly

Well said. You articulated what I was thinking.

PathOfTotality
PathOfTotality
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

The comments here led me to do more research/reading about MT – and the allegations appear (via multiple, credible sources) to have quite a bit of merit. They shocked me, but then again they didn’t. Why is anyone – especially we chumps – surprised anymore when a carefully constructed “altruistic” image turns out to not be entirely true?

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  PathOfTotality

I totally agree re ‘not being what they seem’ and maybe rightly or wrongly ascribing dubious intention to others. I have independently come across negative character conclusions of MT. but see it as a bigger mind fuck of …there are bad people masquerading as saints walking among us… surprise !! @@ my disturbed cheater sociopath felt the need to mock me “how naive. ..you’re all the same….

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  PathOfTotality

Christopher Hitchens is the source of the anti Mother Teresa tripe. He has literally the least credibility of anyone, to judge a person of faith like Mother Teresa. Every piece I just googled that was negative of her was based on HIS article…(he passed away btw. I don’t wish hell on him, but I do wish his voice would be silenced).

Aside from being an adamant atheist, rather than an agnostic or quiet atheist, he shoved his disbelief onto others for years.

Hitchens also wrote a long article about why women aren’t funny. He was totally serious.

Please don’t say “no offense to Catholics” and then offend the shit out me, with a quote from Hitchens of all people and about a woman like Mother Teresa.

She saw beauty in people whom others rejected, and she was not a physician or social worker (not her job to personally give pain meds and thus SHE never denied them…wtf people??)

She was a nun who became an advocate for the “lepers” of society including babies dying of AIDS, and orphans in general.

She gave away all of the Nobel Prize money she got, except for a new pair of shoes.

Man, I can’t even go on…

THIS site is not for bashing people like her.

I know with certainty Mother Teresa had nothing to do with the heart breaking cheaters – whom we KNOW to suck.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago

The point is though, she could have employed those people, and CHOSE not to. That is deception.

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Sunflower36 it is shocking but there is some pretty compelling studies/stories that confirm outofsparkles comment. One of them being that Mother Theresa was wealthy but did not give her money away because she “believed” that God would provide for the poverty stricken and that it was not up to her. Narcs can be people held in high regard in the community ( I was married to one of these) it really comes down to intention and we never know a persons true intention. Brad Pitt and his wife strike me as this type of do goodier also, she has admitted to being borderline personality and likes the attention. Mommy dearest?????

I think some of our biggest religious positions are Narcs with charisma. I do not know what to think about Mother Theresa because I never believe everything I read or see anymore, but there are some red flags there.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

Somehow I just can’t equate MT to the Jimmy Swaggerts, Jim Bakers, or Jerry Fallwells of the planet.

That said, she won the nobel prize and millions were donated to her charities. She certainly had opportunity to keep some coin. And even if she did, doesn’t prove narcissism.

Im

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
5 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Here is a very beautifully written piece with compassion and questions about Mother Theresa.

I do not think MT really has anything to do with Cheaters, but it is a hard subject because as Chumps having the rose colored glasses taken off in regards to our Spouses is devastating. It is hard to believe there are so many things we take for granted of goodness that may have a very human (spackled) side.

Please do not be mad at different opinions here it is so important that we exercise our pickers and our nose for “things not like they are presented” the “too good to be true”. Being able to see good and bad in people is important for us Chumps, trusting ourselves to make decisions with our gut and not get bitter.

https://medium.com/personal-growth/how-to-have-mother-teresa-compassion-its-not-what-you-think-b48b90a8d52f

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Just because you don’t subscribe to his views doesn’t make him “bitter and vile”. There are others who think that Mother Teresa is the scum of the earth, myself included. Are we “bitter and vile” people as well? There are people in life that I do not agree with their views – but I will only call them “bitter and vile” if they have done something which warrants said behaviour. Doing research and presenting information is not that.

Call out the behaviour – don’t dismiss an entire person on the basis of one thing.

Someone who is wealthy and is proclaiming they are doing “good” for people does not let people die in their hospice and refusing them pain medication under the guise of “Suffering is beautiful” – or refusing them care elsewhere – that is for certain. That is the exact same behaviour that our cheaters engaged in – DECEPTION.

That is the work of someone evil, not of someone who is supposedly “God-fearing”.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Oh.

Christopher Hitchens.

‘Nuff said.

I’m done discussing it. That bitter, vile man is more a narc than MT ever thought of being.

Next.

Izzy
Izzy
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Read articles by Christopher Hitchens regarding MT.

Then decide.

Gobsmacked
Gobsmacked
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I am offended that somehow, Mother Theresa, who devoted her life to the poor, founded the Sisters of Charity, and set an example of selflessness, is drawn into a discussion about adulterers. Some traits of NPD: grandiosity, extreme sense of entitlement, pathological lying, pathological envy. Does Mother Theresa’s vision, conceived when she was a young nun, to practice true Catholicism by becoming the servant of the ‘untouchables’, qualify as grandiosity? What evidence does the ‘Harvard psychologist’ have of her pathological envy and deceit?
This sort of false equivalency does nothing to further the discussion here about the multiple emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, and/or psychological traumatic injuries suffered by trusting spouses and vulnerable children.

ThanksButImGood
ThanksButImGood
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I don’t think she was a narcissist, just sadistic and out of touch with physical suffering . She believed true suffering brought you closer to god and because of those beliefs many dying children and adults were given no or very little pain meds even though there was plenty of money available for them .
I think many times our society makes martyrs out of people who while on the surface may appear to be kind and caring , their actions don’t match up .
MT actions didn’t match up to a truly caring human being . Pain control especially when terminally ill is a human right in my opinion .
Interesting though , MT did not subscribe to the same philosophy when she became ill …she was administered pain medicine .
Much has surfaced about her over the years but my biggest issue with her was choosing a belief that a deity would want humans to suffer and ACTING on said belief by denying the ability to live our end of life with some dignity and honor . Her moral compass was pointed in the wrong direction for sure .

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  AussieChump

This is the crux… when you are disordered, you can have “everything” but still throw it all away to pick up a penny in the street that has been run over by the garbage truck… why?… because it is new. They lack character, depth, and integrity. That doesn’t change overnight when they pick up a new penny… and as soon as they pick up that new penny… it is old… and the search continues.

Lioness chump
Lioness chump
5 years ago

My stbx said , without a blink of an eye , about why he ended the affair with his co worker
Quote:- ” She started to get serious and I just wanted FUN. She bought me a jumper for Christmas and I knew she was starting to get serious….”
That said it all…..
Once the AP wanted it to be more than fun….and wanted him to “give ” more .the arrogant bastard dropped her…..
Appears that this was his operatus morandi..as he had many affairs with co-workers and others throughout our 20year marriage apparently!

He did it ( affairs) for “FUN” because me…the non-fun wife had been killing herself in her career to support him financuslly and emotionally through his five year career change……then she stayed at home to raise the two children – one of whom had medical issues from birth…. Stress after stress after stress….which he was incapable or UNWILLING to support her with….instead he decided to show his support by being terribly busy working late…..and spending those 20years partying with co-workers …. Sex sites and googling “best pick up bars in….( Whichever town he was in on business)

So yep. They don’t do the hard stuff.

They are only on this planet for the easy “fun” stuff…”shiny new pennies…..
I don’t think they even consider their AP’s “character”……it’s just how much fun and attention they can supply for their narcissists cravings…

When they leave you for the AP and the “fun” stops and life gets serious again…..they don’t change….They’ll start moaning again about how the AP is not “enough” …. And round and round it goes….. Narcissists need supply and once it dries up off they will go seeking it again….

Pity I didn’t get that memo when I met him 25years ago…

Ho hum.

Move on.

Hugs to all….

MyNewLife
MyNewLife
6 years ago

“when you are disordered, you can have “everything” but still throw it all away to pick up a penny in the street that has been run over by the garbage truck… why?… because it is new. They lack character, depth, and integrity. That doesn’t change overnight when they pick up a new penny… and as soon as they pick up that new penny… it is old… and the search continues.”

This is such a true statement!! My revenge will be when the whore (of which there were MANY) is no longer new…

Danni smith
Danni smith
5 years ago
Reply to  MyNewLife

MyNewLife-that’s what I gave to the ex-wife-vindication. He cheated on his wife and went to the new penny and moved right in the day he left the old, old penny.. Didn’t tell me there was the existing old penny he lived with and been his AP. Hurt me from the pursuit to make me believe, he said it, loved me, making me an AP without my knowledge. Then I learn. And then I find the old wife penny. I ended it. “LEAVE ME ALONE< DON"T CALL< TEXT EMAIL And then I tell her he is cheating on the woman with whom he cheated on you. Then he left a letter in my mailbox, asling me to continue. And then I sent a letter the the current old penny. I hope you get the same. It really is pure karma. For the first old old penny and this, who he wanted to be the new penny. Pennies are copper and he lives with her on cooper

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago

This.

It’s not that they’re looking for something “better,” just something “new.”

New gets old fast.

And even if the AP looks better, everyone is fading with age. Only character gets more beautiful as it ages.

A really old book says it this way: “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman [person] who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

I do get some kind of sadistic joy out of knowing that he will eventually be old and alone. Not very gracious of me, but after what he put me through, I don’t feel guilty about this small bit of schadenfreude. He’s reaping what he sowed.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Meh, I love to evaluate ‘better’for the Limited.

She allows act on his DREAMS. He bought the shit truck he didn’t need (-9000). He let his business slide for the first two years (-150000). She was after all entitled to a new car (-18000). Then there was the TAX bill he had to pay the year I filed (-18000) that he out in a credit card. Alas, they were evicted and his rent went up substantially (-1600mo). Let’s not forget the credit card debt he got to keep (-14000).

He spent years at a casino supporting her drinking and gambling habit.

Evil laughter warranted. While, the cunt was paying for the DREAM she gets to take off into the sunset in his latest investment blunder, to yet another state where two previous OW reside.

Yeah, much better. I’m not bitter. This is bitter sweet.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

That is fantastic!!!
Karma for the win!!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Thanks Molly.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  AussieChump

You’re very welcome, honey. Sharks positively glow by comparison. In fact, I’ve had several emails from sharks today, complaining about being compared to cheaters.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

*** In fact, I’ve had several emails from sharks today, complaining about being compared to cheaters.***

Good one…really.

So the DOCTOR married AP a week before Mother’s Day, and emailed our uninvited adult children, a rambling gaslighting letter. In it, he told them HIS terms for having a relationship with him, to include them not bringing up the past, and treating HIM with respect, and to treat his new wife and HER daughter, with respect b/c “THEY have been through a lot.”

WTF?? It’s literally the opposite of what I would have written ( I know, do not protect MY values onto him b/c that’s half the reason I stayed married to him too long). It’s the opposite of what I had hoped he would finally say to them if/when he reached out.

I hoped he’d apologize to them for not seeing them or that he missed them, etc. He SAID he loves them but my 31 y/o son said “What does that word even mean to him??”

This is a man who has not seen our children in 20 months…OW/New wife, can have him. Bummer for her daughter…

Yes, the sharks do not appreciate the comparison.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

meant to say do not PROJECT my values onto him…

Our kids witnessed our marriage ending before I knew it was. And HE neglected and abandoned them 10 years ago (thanks to fucking RIC I took him back) and they deserve more than he gave.

So now he lists the terms for them to have a relationship with him??? Lucky kids! Like “hey, old family, this is my replacement family and you better be really nice to them (& not bring up the past/tell the truth…ever)

or “I’m done” with you. What an idiot. Because I cling to the belief that at some level he “loves” them in his fucked up way.

But he blew the one chance he may have had by sending that letter. It’s the kids who labeled the letter gaslighting and blame shifting for the marriage ALL My fault, just never knew he was so unhappy since he NEVER told me he was, AND denied wanting a divorce.

And in that letter, then came his demands of them.

What a fool. X wasband ruining HIS life is not a bad thing; he has agency. On my grace filled days I feel sorry for him.

But he deeply wounded our kids and the youngest one is very, very troubled. THAT sucks.

Shit sandwiches for us the “practice” family (35 years of marriage) b/c he has a new REAL love now…

If he wants to tell the world that, (and he does), it’s not necessary to keep shoving that down our kids throats. It’s another form of rejection and only an utterly clueless person without empathy or self awareness would not see that.

I should have cut him loose 10 years ago. Wasted time…wasted on a waste of a man.

And the letter was NOT the letter of a normal man, nor a contented one. Shocker…

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Yes, Lola, loved that phrase, “the bottom-feeders of the relationship food chain,” and great column!

Post D-day, the quality I look for most highly in friends or a partner is integrity; it trumps sparkles, a big paycheck, or a full hairline. Neither cheaters nor APs can stake any claim to integrity.

Mary
Mary
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes!

Integrity is the single most important thing I will look for in future friendships and relationships!

What’s laughable is that my soon to be ex thinks he’s practicing integrity by texting his mistresses in front of me and our kids so that we see that he’s no longer hiding anything and so that his mistresses feel validated and accepted.

(I so wish I’d stop caring and being hurt by such things. What is the fastest way to “meh”?)

katiedidnt
katiedidnt
5 years ago
Reply to  Mary

Mine decided that the ‘problem’ was he was sitting on the wrong couch while texting his shmoopie. He actually brought a card table out to sit on the love seat. You know, so it wouldn’t bother me so much as I couldn’t see over his shoulder. What planet are these creeps from?

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Great job as a guest writer, LG! Perhaps a better analogy for the cheater AND AP is bottom-feeding parasites?

Renee Moeller
Renee Moeller
6 years ago

My cheater picked a woman, by his own admission, when they are together “there is a lot of drinking going on” and “she passes out from drinking too much.” What a catch. I guess the drinking helps them deal with their shitty character and low self esteem. The AP will never be as good as the faithful spouse just by virtue of they sleep with another woman’s husband. (Or another man’s wife). They should get drunk and die in a car crash. Bitter, I know. I’m working towards meh. Be patient with me.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Renee Moeller

Sometimes Meh is hard to find. I’ve been trying a long time–and just when I think I’ve gotten there–something will make the anger boil up all over again. Be patient with yourself.

ChumpaRican
ChumpaRican
6 years ago
Reply to  Renee Moeller

Would be great to witness the crash

APChump2
APChump2
6 years ago

I was the AP, but the catch is I had no idea. No idea there was a wife & two kids. No idea I was helping someone cheat on their spouse. Finding that out was horrific, I would NEVER do that to someone, not consciously.

I’m not sure it’s fair to say the AP is always less, because in my instance I was a chump too. Both me & the wife were fooled, it was awful.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

He didn’t trade down with you – you were a normal woman in (what you believed to be) a normal relationship.

OW and OM who deliberately seek out, pursue or ‘give in ‘ to a married man or women and date them have….issues, to be polite about it. Obviously there is something wrong with them or within them that they either believe that this is the best they can get or that they get off on the whole sneaking around aspect or even they love winning a sparkling turd from their lawful spouses.

That wasn’t you.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Some cheaters lie to the APs because they do want something better than what they know they will get they are up front about being married but looking.

I still don’t understand why ex is still with Schmoopie. They are both divorced now and could both do better than someone who sleeps with other people’s spouses. I guess they deserve each other though.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago

I believe ALL cheaters lie to APs, regardless of whether or not the AP knows of the marital status of the cheater. “He/she doesn’t care”, “…not meeting my needs.” “…sexless marriage”, “I’m dying inside….”, “Only YOU understand me…”, blah, blah, blah. And the AP just eats it up. My cheater’s AP actually told me she thought she was “doing me a favor”, so God only know what he told HER. Not letting her off the hook, though. From what I have been able to put together, she went after him…but he jumped in with both feet. New and shiny is right.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
6 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

From what I’ve gathered, he told OW our marriage was already over. No sex, no love, no nothing. And I did not want to care of our daughter. I had no interest in her despite all those years trying with IVF (he can’t have children).
I had some psychiatric problems and he waited for the right time to tell he wanted to divorce.

Him buying a house with me in the meantime did not tip her off. Though I’m starting to think he might have forgotten to tell her the part where my money was involved.

Funny thing: he gaslighted me so much I really thought I had some problems. I was referred to a psychiatrist who found nothing. He even got an appointment with Dear Husband to confirm this non-diagnostic.
Now Dear Husband (aka Cheater) believes the psychiatrist made a wrong non-diagnostic. Whatever.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Not always. The OW was/is his law partner and she knew me and our children for years. We spent plenty of time together so she knew what he had and so know what he got.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Sorry. I know what he got

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

My ex fucked around with a married coworker, who had been married for 7 months. I remember him putting down her boyfriend/fiancé, extra kibbles for him to take her away from the “loser” finally.
She is no longer married and neither is my ex,
So glad.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

I asked ex what he told his schmoopie’s to make them think it was ok to fuck somebody else’s husband and his response was “nothing nobody thought it was ok”. Of course he could have been lying about that too.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

One of my buddies on another (non-infidelity) forum discovered he was the OM. He was sickened and after 2 years still isn’t able to enter the dating pool. The Cheater always had an excuse for why she couldn’t do things on weekends (taking care of aged, sick relative), and the photo of the girl in her wallet was of her younger half-sister. She always insisted they split the bill because she enjoyed her independence. This means he never saw any of her credit cards. She went by her maiden name.

They were even planning on moving in together. She didn’t show up to view an apartment. He suspected she might be starting to see someone else. He asked, she said no. But at one point, she didn’t have her thumb covering up her name on the credit card. He finally got her entire last name and googled it, only to find Facebook posts with pictures of her, her daughter, and her husband.

I told him he was as much of a Chump as any of us, and that this woman was disordered six ways to Sunday to carry on the deception so long. He was Chumped because he was a decent guy who wanted to respect the boundaries that she’d set up.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

If you didn’t know, then you were not an AP. You were a chump. As such, I hope you are well on your way to meh and feel loved and supported here.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

And let me add that all of here think “I should have known!” all the time. It is hard enough to come to terms with our own spackling. No one should have to also justify their willful blindness to others, although we often do.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Yep yep yep, Dixie Chump!!!
Exactly!!!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Every single human alive operates with basic cognitive schema about situations. These schema help us interpret the world and organize new information appropriately. When married, we operate under the culturally-accepted schema that the union is exclusive and that our spouse is trustworthy. New information–e.g., that they are working late, gets filtered through that Trust schema and interpreted as “he/she is working late to help provide for the family.”

None of us should beat ourselves up for “not knowing.” Yes, there may sometimes have been hints that our spouses were less trustworthy than we had hoped, but unless they were boinking their AP in front of you, the weight of evidence needed to tip the Trust schema to “I’m divorcing your cheating ass” is substantial.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Exactly, Tempest!!!

audacious
audacious
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

TRUTH! spot on Tempest! x

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I love this explanation, Tempest. Simple, but so true. And, even if it hurt me at times, I would rather keep my schema that people are generally good. Maybe it needs a bit of tweaking but better than the alternative. Very wise

repulsedandbreathless
repulsedandbreathless
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

TEMPEST,

yes ,as vile as cheaters are (most) will not fuck their ” buddies ,AP ,or their Meet ups ” in front of you . they will plot and plan and lie ,hide in the dark , or get into some closet , and do their “deed” .and you know how empaths love to have proof . that way we can spackle until the cows come home ,and add years to the abuse we are already enduring ,

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, you got that so right.

smpav2016
smpav2016
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

I spoken with some of the other AP and they did not know either. I dont blame them for I know what a liar my ex was. AP like yourself get a pass. Just victims as well. My only advise and this is to everyone dating is do your research. Lot’s of sharks out there.

MeToo
MeToo
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

Same thing happened to me, APChump2 (he lied, said he was divorced — it was long distance which is why he managed to pull it off). You’re not alone.

But, I’ve found that you won’t really find a good place for support. I read here, which helped. But, I didn’t comment much anywhere, bc the cheated-on wives/husbands don’t want you around or immediately ask you accusatory questions like the first question you got in response to this post: “did you cut it off immediately?”. Or they’ll try to shame you by saying that you should’ve been more in tune to the red flags, etc (as if they weren’t just as duped by the lying, manipulative cheaters themselves).

And then who in the hell in our position wants to hang out in support groups where APs actually choose to be APs? It’s not the same situation. And, yes, you are a chump too.

That said, I made it to meh. It gets easier. It really just does take time and NC. You will heal from this and, in the end, the loser gave you a gift. You get to learn from your chumpiness now and all about covert narcs and red flags and hoovering and the discard, etc, etc — and all that does is set you up for finding someone who is reciprocal and worthy of being in your life.

I’m sorry that this happened to you and that there’s so little support. It hurts like hell.

Polytastic
Polytastic
6 years ago
Reply to  MeToo

I got something similar. There was a married man with six kids lurking around the poly community looking for easy affairs, but of course not disclosing his marital status at all. I was asked “why didn’t you notify the wife if you found out he was married?” Because I didnt know the wife, he had separate social media accounts, he wasn’t my date, he was with someone else he lied to and she was furious when she found out a she hasn’t showed his face since.

My community works hard to have everyone informed and make sure everyone consents to the situation. There are still creeps who lurk around. Narcs lie with every breath to the people they love and see everyday, how is it hard to believe it’s easy for other people to be fooled? But because we’re non-monogamous by definition, it’s assumed that we don’t mind cheating, don’t resoect marriage/monogamy or don’t mind being complicit in someone else’s abuse cycle. So far from the truth.

katiedidnt
katiedidnt
5 years ago
Reply to  Polytastic

Agree 100%. My STBX claims that he is poly as well. He mentioned that he had been in the past, but at NO TIME in our 14 year relationship, OR just over one year marriage, did he express interest in pursuing a poly relationship. And he knew that I was not interested in such, we had many discussions about it. D-day, I discovered he was cheating with his then best friend’s wife. Best friend wasn’t happy about that either. Imagine that.

Poly relationships require honesty, between ALL parties affected and involved. I get that, I respect that. But I didn’t sign up for that and besides- my STBX is simply a cheater, plain and simple.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  MeToo

This is beautifully written and reflects my feelings, too. I know what it’s like to miss red and orange and yellowing flags until the truth sucker punched me. Thanks for your words.

APChump2
APChump2
6 years ago
Reply to  MeToo

Thank you so much for your reply! It really did hurt like hell. We’d been together nearly a year before he came clean & I was so in love with him. The feelings of betrayal & heartbreak were atrocious, and people always seemed to side with his ex, as if it was my fault I found myself in the situation I was in.

I remember saying to my own friends & fam, I’m not ‘the other woman’, I had no idea she existed & never would have been with him if I had. This was HIS fault, not mine.

So all the while dealing with my own loss, received very little support as well. As if I should have known better.

If someone can deceive his/her own spouse, don’t people see how easy it is to deceive an outside party as well? Sadly the answer is mostly no.

audacious
audacious
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

I am so sorry for you both, and I appreciate you adding this perspective. you are an important part of this group, and this experience, for me.
I suspect that the AP chose to believe my partner slept in the basement, although WTF, because it suited her needs. we have so many people in common socially she could have easily called me and asked for my truth, which would take character and confidence, and even kindness.
but no.
so, I have empathy with your not knowing; you were duped. I believe you.
x

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

While I agree cheaters have the ability to con OW as the Limited did with an innocent party, I find it difficult to believe someone doesn’t suspect somethings up prior to a year.

So where exactly did he sleep for the duration? Didn’t you have his address?

Where I draw the line personally is in comparing your pain to that of a Chumps. Yes you were duped. You learned an important lesson.
Don’t take the liberty of eliciting empathy with the fact a long term partner who invested a LIFETIME, raised children, and did years of heavy lifting compares to a single woman who happened upom an asshole.

APChump2
APChump2
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I didn’t compare my pain to that of a chump, I said not all AP’s are ‘less than’ the chump, because we were fooled too.

I don’t need to explain my situation to you, I was fooled by a manipulative cheating bastard, same as you. Is our pain the same? No, but so what. That wasn’t my point.

My point was I had no idea I was with a married man, I never would have been with a married man, and I find cheating despicable. You don’t have to agree, but I’m not the same as your cheaters AP. Finding out he was married hurt on so many levels – being lied to, losing my relationship with him, AND discovering that my happiness had caused another woman pain. It made me sick.

There ARE more perspectives out there than just yours. Your pain is valid, but so is mine. They aren’t the same but so what. That wasn’t the purpose of my post.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

I experienced both. They ARE similar.
APChump2 was a “legit” girlfriend for a year.
She was in love, had invested time, energy and trust.
Suddenly she’s ripped of her girlfriend’s identity. She’s the mistress. “Everyone” judges her.
She loses one year of her past, she loses her present and loses her hopes for the future. She mourns the man she thought he was, and the relationship…just like us.
Who can she trust now? She has lied to, probably gaslighted, too.
Where can she find support? How can she stop beating herself up for “not realising”? And the guilt about the wife? And the pressure (Call her? Not?).

She’s a one-year chump, that’s it.
I was a six-month chump and it hurt like hell. So one year…

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

I will be forever grateful to the “OW” (though I realize now that’s not the correct term) who brought a box of chocolates to my house to soften the blow as she told me in person that she had been having sex with the Python, who had told her he was divorced.

He lied to her about going out of town for 2 weeks and she caught him in the lie (she tried to send a gift to his hotel and they told him he wouldn’t be arriving until a week later). Then she did some internet digging and found his real marital status. Within days of her confirming that he was married, he WAS out of town on business (for that trip he’d told her about, which was actually only a week long), and she decided that would be the time to tell me because it would be better in person.

Seeing me in a state of shock, I think she figured out I was having a hard time processing as well as believing what I was hearing. She then offered to call him without letting on that I was listening, and I agreed, thinking I did really need to hear this for myself. Early in the call she mentioned getting together soon, and asked if he would like her to wear the French maid outfit again (again!). He gave some vaguely receptive reply (like OK, if you want).

That moment was horrible, but she was right that I really needed that to help me grasp the truth.

I admit that I did find some consolation in knowing that she (and all his other subsequent “lady friends”) had considerably less education than I. (Snobby, I know.) But I think I focused on that each time I found out about their backgrounds only to comfort myself. I needed to reassure myself that his cheating wasn’t about finding someone “better” – it was all about his need for excitement (“duper’s delight”) and kibbles.

They are – all of them – chumps like me. He has lied to every single one of them. I don’t feel angry at them. I reserve that for his lying, cheating ass. I actually feel sorry for them – except for one who chimed in something snarky about me in a text after he told her a lie about an argument we had (he claimed I “took it out on him” in text messages re the cat having diarrhea on the carpet which he said happened AFTER he left for work – LIE – in reality I was pissed that he got up in the morning first – he sleeps on the couch in the living room and that’s the room where the poo was – and he just left the diarrhea for me to clean up, which I knew he did because I got up 10 minutes after he left and the poop was mostly dry by then).

Well, enough venting! I mainly want to say that there are a lot of “OW” who have no idea that they are seeing a married man, and I realize I really need to think of us all as fellow chumps. You can fall for their love-bombing just like we did, and it can hurt you deeply too when you find out you’ve been lied to.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Hopium 4 years
“their need for excitement ” I was reading that and I mis read it at first as their need for excrement…LOL …maybe this is the new phrase: THE OW have “a need for excrement”; that is why they are with married men….

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
5 years ago
Reply to  duped

LOL! Cheating married men = excrement.
“Friends” who knew he was cheating = excrement.
People/family who support OW and married man having a baby = excrement.
🙂

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Wow – that unwitting OW behaved beautifully when she found out she’d been lied to. Hats off to her for having the courage to come and tell you in person (she didn’t know how you would respond), the sensitivity to bring you chocolates, the mental wherewithal to offer to call him in front of you…

As an aside, as much as I empathize with the pain of Other Partners who had no idea that the cheater was married, and how they tend to receive so little support even though they are blameless, I want to vent about the sorta-opposite situation. I personally know several women who were very knowingly the Other Woman, and married the men they were cheating with once they divorced their first wives…. only to be eventually cheated on themselves. Well, to hear these women tell it, they are Chumps of the Highest Order. They milk their husbands’ cheating for every drop of sympathy, attention and money (in court) that they can get.

Just as the unwitting partners of cheaters, who are lied to and completely tricked as we were, deserve the honourable label of CHUMPS, I suggest that people who were happy to screw cheaters and think they’ve won some prize when they eventually marry are forbidden to appropriate CHUMP for their own use, once the cheater then cheats on them.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

In a case like this everybody should be on your side and the wife’s side and everybody should be against the husband/boyfriend. I only hate schmoopie because she knew he was married and she fought for him when she knew I still loved him and wanted to reconcile and we had three kids to boot. She had also been cheated on herself and knew exactly what kind of pain it was going to cause me. She just didn’t care. I had something she wanted. “sorry you got hurt” Shrug. I actually don’t feel much of anything towards Schmoopie 1.0 who also knew he was married when she fucked him but didn’t try to tear him away from his family and eventually broke it off when she figured out it was wrong. For me it’s knowingly allowing others to get hurt for personal gain that I find repulsive. That was not your situation or the situation of others who really didn’t know.

I can also see why it might be tempting to pick me dance instead of breaking it off immediately when you find out and you have never met the wife. It takes a while to process your own pain and develop empathy for the wife when you thought you had something good and may think the guy really loves you. If he is willing to do that to his wife, however, then he doesn’t really know how to love and isn’t worth anyone’s time. As for personal ethics, nobody should want to be a willing participant in tearing someone else’s family apart. You would have to live with that for the rest of your life. It must be hard enough to realize you may have played in unwilling role in it. I know I would be devastated if I found out somebody I was dating was secretly married even if I did cut it off the moment I found out.

duped
duped
6 years ago

chumpinrecovery
No, what I have come to realize is these HO’s DO NOT care that they are screwing a married man. It is all about them and their needs/gains/fun or whatever is in it for their Ho-ey ass. They Do Not care about he wife or the children or that they are destroying/hurting. The Howorker that was fucking my husband new he was married and was only looking out for herself and how her life would be made better and she wanted what I had and she thought she owned him. She must have thought her mouth skills or whatever that Ho was doing to him was really something special and off the charts.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

APChump2 and MeToo: Your stories have a particular sort of hellishness. I really empathize with your position and the lack of support you received. Revictimizing you by saying you should have seen the red flags is particularly cruel. I guess that was my problem too – did not see the red flags. Cheaters are master manipulators. Period. ((Hugs)))

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

As far as the downgrade comment goes I think that is directed at AP’s that are fully aware they are having an affair with a cheater, blowing up a marriage/family and have no remorse or guilt. The majority of AP’s, if not all, are desperate and disordered. Cheaters enjoy having affairs with train wrecks, who knows why, maybe its because they finally feel superior. Of course like everything else it gets old after some time and the cheater will go searching again, they always do.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Cheaters enjoy having affairs with train wrecks, who knows why, maybe its because they finally feel superior.

Totally agree. JAMF’s OW was a serious downgrade. Saw enough of their text/emails to see that she was incredibly self-absorbed and dumb as a box of rocks. I’m certain he enjoyed feeling superior to her and that was part of the appeal. XH had us both dancing for a time, but cocksocket danced way harder, way longer. Yummy yummy kibbles, and almost 9 years later, still gets to make OWife dance. I’m sure he gets a (1/2 assed) boner lording his awesomeness over her (there were additional OW between DD and D 3 years later, reasonable to assume there’s been even MORE OW in the interim).

In the other RL example, a(n ex) friend left his W for his AP. She, too, was controlling and somewhat unstable. Distanced myself from the friendship, so didn’t spend too much time around OW. It was clear that there is something totally off about her. His BW never had an issue w/our friendship; OW wouldn’t allow us to hang out together unless she was included (20 year friendship, never anything inappropriate). Yet, it would still be OWife as the center of attention. Owife doesn’t hold a candle to his first W.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
6 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Definitely about the APs who know full well the person is married/in a serious LTR and go after them anyway.

With my Exhole’s main SO, she fell for his nonstop bullshit same as I did. First, he was single. Then, he used to be married… that’s why people were always bringing up my name… Then, well..he’s technically still married, but had been seperated for quite some time and he was living with his parents. (He never changed the address on his driver’s license when he had moved in with me 4 years prior or when we got married 1 year prior.) Apparently, his parents set her strait that he was still living with his wife. Thats when she stopped by with her small children and blew the whole thing wide open for me.

So no, she got chumped same as I did. The difference being that she had 3 months in and I had 8 years plus another year being married to him.

When she found out the the truth, she told the wife… but by stopping by with her children and showing me pictures she took of her and him having sex.

She was hurting from his betrayal too… but she chose to hurt me for it and pick me dance for him.

He did choose her, but then got super pissed and “sad” when I had to throw him out and serve him with divorce papers. I was ruining his narrative of me being so sad I couldn’t cope with reality and refused to hire a lawyer so he was waiting until I could handle it emotionally.

So yes, I’m empathetic towards an unknowing AP who’s been chumped and immediately ends it once they find out. I can even understand the pick me dance, as I myself performed it for a month or two…

But a chumped AP that turns nasty to the spouse, attempts to hurt them and decides they WILL win the cheater. Not so much.

The AP in my situation, karma bus. Ex cheated on her. They’re divorced now and she has to sue him for child support regularly.

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
6 years ago
Reply to  MeToo

Hugs from me, MeToo.
There were many red flags for me, too… that were not easy to pick before actually knowing what was going on.
I did speak up. All of our friends got the memo. It helped they were very supportive and I could actually go no contact (I moved to another part of the country).

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

Of course if you didn’t know, and you broke it up straight away upon finding out, no one thinks any the less of you. In that case, you did the right thing.

We’re talking about cheater ‘relationships’ here, with both parties getting their kicks out of triangulation and putting one over the rest of us.

Izzy
Izzy
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Lola- excellent writing and help????.
Truth be told I was dreading a guest column. I then read your outstanding writing and it put a spring in my step. It gave me hope. It gave me comfort.
Thank you.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Izzy

Oh, go on with you (twists corner of apron).

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Absolutely. To me, “Affair Partner” indicates a complicit partnership of duplicity, lies, and manipulation to intentionally keep the unknowing spouse in the dark. If you were unknowingly in a relationship with a married person because you were manipulated, deceived, and lied to…it seems like a completely different scenario.

The woman who had an extra-marital affair with my now ex-spouse chose Christmas Morning of our planned gender reveal (I was about 6 months pregnant with our 4th child, all aged 5 and under) to contact me and send dozens upon dozens of extremely pornographic images and screen shots, as her way of revealing the secret affair to me.

OW was a professional divorce attorney 15 years our senior and divorced 3x herself. She named herself as a witness in my divorce and hired an attorney to represent her. She wanted to help my ex avoid financial responsibility for his 4 preschool aged children and avoid consequences for his various addictions. She was told to leave me alone by her attorney, but she could not or would not do so. I had to block her Facebook, her fake Facebook, her cell phone, and when she resorted to using my ex’s cell phone, I blocked that number too. Once, using my then husband’s cell phone, she texted me “I just heard about your miscarriage. Lol. Like I give a shit.” Those were her exact words….in writing! A sworn officer of the Family Court and a self-named witness in our divorce. (We’d suffered a pregnancy loss prior to the pregnancy I was currently in my 9th month of when she sent that message). Who makes fun of someone’s pregnancy loss?

It is that specific type of abusive and outrageous behavior that would make me say that, in my experience, cheaters always, always cheat down.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago

God, she was some kind of hell on wheels Cluster B. Barking mad, obviously.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Stalked, How unbelievebly awful shit! My cheater is a Saint compares to yours. A Volcano asshole. OMG

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago

9th circle of hell, party of one! I can’t even. Make that party of two because your ex involved himself with that piece of trash!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago

Oh my God that is beyond despicable!!!! What a horrid Bitch!!!

LilyInTheForest
LilyInTheForest
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

I was the AP once, without me knowing.
When I discovered it, it was awful. It hurt like hell. It’s just like a chump’s pain. Or the chump’s story. You are fooled, too. You got abused, too.
So if there is no kid involved, I would understand why the AP could tempted by a pick me dance.

As for me, no kid was in the picture, and he was not married, but I called it quit the same day.
And I called the GF, because of no condoms…

duped
duped
6 years ago

that’s what my husbands HO knew that we had no kids. So she thought it was quite appropriate to screw my husbands ass because she figured that it was ALL about her and her wonderfulness and she probably thought he was fair game because he chose not to have kids because he was drained by his HO. She kept him on a short leash with her sparkly clam. I’m sure she thought that thing was the best thing on earth. She has definitely fooled other men with that big house of hers and the easy clam on a platter that she knew would lure them all in. But that Pig is still getting to hold her job because she got such and EGO boost that my handsome husband would actually screw her narly ass. I can imagine the boost and the confidence she garnered from that adulterous experience. She’s a shameless bold HO. I hope she is still laughing. She got one over on me I will say. THe bitch is Classless. She is clearly the winner. Good for her ! I hope she drowns in her seaside ocean view brothel.
Yes I do hate her why wouldn’t I. She’s a skank

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Lily
“So if there is no kid involved, I would understand why the AP could tempted by a pick me dance.”

And that right there is what seperates the OW and a chump.

Hellhathnofury
Hellhathnofury
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

When u found out, did u cut it off?

Hellhathnofury
Hellhathnofury
6 years ago
Reply to  Hellhathnofury

I ask, not as an accusation but to understand. There is a large difference in character between finding out and bowing out or finding out and taking it out on the other chump just like the cheater wants.

The AP in my story knew about me, she cant claim to be innocent. They bother claim they didnt start a relationship prior to him leaving but he also never told me about her while married. I could have ruined their relationship 10 times over by now (he has cheated on her too) but I dont see the point in trying to hurt her when I know she will never believe til she is ready… I know because I believed he would never cheat also

That as why I ask. If u bowed out, if u didnt try and hurt the other chump, then u too are a chump. But if you choose to hurt the other chump in vindictiveness or anger, then I see that as AP

APChump2
APChump2
6 years ago
Reply to  Hellhathnofury

No I didn’t try & hurt the other chump. Their marriage ended & so did our relationship. He actually came clean to me about his deceit after their divorce proceedings started, but I couldn’t handle what he had done to BOTH me and his wife. So that was that. It was awful.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  APChump2

The HO that was climbing on my husband, knew full well that he was married because she worked with him and my picture was on his desk, and he always wore his ring, and she knew his friends and his coworkers knew he was married. So bold ho was deliberately and calculatingly complicit with a known married man. And she was ALL in for herself and her two kids. She had zero regard that she was ruining a marriage and determined to get it to end by being involved with him. She saw the good job, the salary, etc. She was full speed ahead to enjoy her life with our marital assets. She’s nothing but a low life masquerading as some professional, classy broad, she’s nothing but a low down snake in the grass. It is my hope that she gets hers someday. She really needs a good wake up call lesson. I am sure it will finally be exacted upon by SOME OTHER unsuspecting wife that she will inevitably be screwing on someone else’s husband. I doubt she will let herself “suffer” a dry spell of no sex like I have had to do because of her screwing my husband’s ass
He clearly did not miss out because he had that nasty big job to handle and toss around. and she was a big job believe me. I saw IT. What he saw in her was someone who stroked his ego because she stroked it right into the bedroom and into his wallet

audacious
audacious
6 years ago
Reply to  Hellhathnofury

cut off the relationship or his dick? or her head? or both heads? asking for all my chump friends…x

WaitingInTheShadows
WaitingInTheShadows
6 years ago

So true this article today

At the beginning my self-esteem had dived off the cliff. He was everything obviously I wasn’t. My stbx wife told me so.

But now, almost a year later. I genuinely have pity for my wife in her ongoing long-distance affair with the village idiot. This affair was supposed to have died in Dec but started up in secret again in Feb and she’s now sending the twit money as well.

Me? Loving husband of 20 years. Happy to do all the supermarket shopping, taking kids to school, etc. as well as working 24/7 on our family business (I wear my chump badge with pride!). I’m university educated. Speak several languages. I’m fitter than I’ve ever been right now and since I grew a little beard I reckon I don’t look half-bad for my age (thankfully my self-esteem is coming back stronger than it ever was).

Him? Well he’s 10 years younger. But getting a bid podgy around the middle. Hairy. Ugly (even my wife admitted that to a friend!). Nothing more than basic school education. Was in the army; however this is a South American army so learnt nothing in particular. Still single at 40. Just does odd jobs here and there plus a bit of sound for salsa bands in clubs. Lots of prospects there for looking after my children, not. Practically monosyllabic from what I see of the texts between them. Virtually emotionless (both my wife and his family admit that).

Makes no sense but maybe that’s who my stbx wife really deserved after all.

Mitz
Mitz
6 years ago

Water seeks it own level eventually?

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

Gee, she really got herself a bargain, didn’t she.

This is the hard part – we thought the cheater was like us. They turned out not to be. Ouch.

WaitingInTheShadows
WaitingInTheShadows
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Precisely!

Ahhh just had a long chat with her today. She’s admitting about her AP coming over for the summer and she sees nothing wrong with him hanging out with her and our children while I’m away elsewhere working. Now he has quite a bad reputation and even her brother told me not to let him anywhere near the kids. However obviously he’s a saint in her eyes

So looks like Chump here married Clueless :-0

FicoChump
FicoChump
6 years ago

The EX is with a “howorker” who lives in another time zone. (never asked how they “fell in love” ). She was one of many for Mr. Tinderman. What she doesn’t know is that she will not be the only one. Yes, tradedown… no moral compass like him. Using company funds to go to sexscape. Traveling to Vegas while I was at home with my kid. Yes the last few months were horrible thanks to CL I knew I was in the discard fase & did not feel that bad I was getting ready to leave & file. No anniversary gifts, taking a bath of over an hour to text. The secrets. Like he told me: “They knew I was married”. He just got the one who WAS AVAILABLE like CL said & she got him since he is helping to pay bills, take her to dinner, buying clothes as a good Sugar Daddy he send her money from a distance. In one argument I told him she was a “whore” and he got upset. ????????

ExofJudas
ExofJudas
6 years ago
Reply to  FicoChump

They always get upset when hit with the truth.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  ExofJudas

It messes with the imaginary reality they have convinced themselves of. Cheater Wife kept telling me what “a nice guy” her AP was.

Red shoes
Red shoes
6 years ago

They have to cheat down if the affair partner knows they are married. It’s not like valuable goods go out with married men.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Lola, I have figured out your maxim because every now and then I check the D-Day flatterfuck’s Instagram to feel good about my self (she is my eldest son’s age). I know this is ridiculous, but I actually get a kick out of this and direct it towards “the process of self-forgiveness for being fooled by a predator starts with baby steps”. It always reminds me that I truely am much better off without such a jerk.

Now my big test is coming up in two weeks at son’s wedding. I am dreading sparkledick’s prancing around and peacock feather-spreading at the ceremony and party. And poor son’s shame. I hope I am wrong. Enormous will-power to not make snarky jabs at sparkledick at the party.

Chumplanta
Chumplanta
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters – I can’t even imagine how hard that day will be for you.

Have you ever heard of the book The Tools? You may want to try the Fear Tool (Reversal of Desire) in the days leading up to the event. I couldn’t live without the Fear and Maze Tools.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

My sister was recently at a wedding where the parents of the groom were very recently divorced. MOG was beautiful, classy and carried herself well. FOG came with his younger OW dressed like she was going out to a nightclub. He kept parading her all over the place – showing off what his youthful dick has managed to land.

My sister that all the women were flat out grossed out, but interestingly enough all the men of all ages were mocking the FOG for being the pathetic asshat that he is.

Your ex may swan about the reception and god forbid he brings his AP with him…..but the guests will immediately be able to read the situation for what it is. Not a person will be buying what he will be selling.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

I can second that Calm. After attending a wedding last summer (his cousin’s daughters) I was surprised to find I was seated right up front with the family of the bride as he and skank were placed in the last table near the bathroom.

His uncle and I danced and he held my hand tight as we walked back to my table.

He wore a jacket I bought him and it was wrinkled. She blessed the bar with her beach coverup and yellowed, previously white shoes.

No one at the wedding gave him or his delusions a second thought.

What we have at weddings is a long history. Mine was always about the love and care of family. I cared for his grandmother and her yard and still plant flowers at her grave every year since she psssed.

ClearWaters, he’s an embarsssment. That’s how I view the Limited. Stand tall and enjoy all you’ve got to be proud of on this day.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

All of CN is with you at the wedding, ClearWaters. You’ve got this! Let X and AP make asses of themselves while you stand back with a Mona Lisa smile.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Let your dignity do the talking. And remember the phrase “Surely you must know what I think of you.” should you need it. Less is more. Enjoy that beautiful occasion and be the proud mama!!

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters – Hang in there. You got this. Don’t let him steal any more of your joy on such a special day.

I was once told to use the mantra (by another amazing chump on here) “I’m a dignified woman that doesn’t give a fuck about him (or her).” It worked very well when I had to cross paths with the AP for the first time.

And btw…peacocks may be gorgeous creatures but have you ever heard one? They sound horrific! They hold no appeal after they open their mouths 😉

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

He probably will do the peacock strut but don’t worry, he will just look like an asshole. Keep your head held high.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

That’s huge, ClearWaters.

Special Jedi vibes that you don’t take your crossbow to the party. (((())))

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

The original Schmoops was 39 to my 51 at the time of the start of their affair so I was dancing the menopause mazurka. But get this – I went to see my doctor who gave me HRT – really strong to begin with the stop the monthly curse (sorry you guys out there, TMI). It did everything it was supposed to but made me horny as hell. It was wonderful! Now I know what young lads feel like when they hit puberty. Schmoops, on the other hand, didn’t seem to know what shampoo was for and was “homely” to say the least! 8 years later and I actually thought Schmoops was pregnant (she is now dancing the said mazurka) but not by my ex as they split some time ago. Schmoops no. 2 is admittedly quite pretty and nearer his age but she likes to be the centre of attention, which she obviously wasn’t at my son’s wedding last year, so she didn’t like it. Son no. 2 described her as a “nag, who never let up”. Anyway, last week son no. 2 told me that he was getting married when the three of us were out at a restaurant. I had a little tear in my eye (although I swore blind it was a bit of grit) and while we were chatting about the upcoming wedding I mentioned Schmoops no. 2. They both rolled their eyes and said “oh my God, she drove the bride nuts last year and was such a pain in the arse”. Ain’t looking forward to having her over here again. I just giggled. Hope the Twat enjoys being with a killjoy!

Free to Live
Free to Live
6 years ago

Oh look, it’s Tuesday!

Lioness
Lioness
6 years ago

No matter how good the AP is I believe they would be cheated on at some point. And I do not believe there is ever just one AP. Cheaters are like leaches, they suck your blood dry … if you let them! Cheaters and AP are a different breed of human without any conscience. I have suffered immensely but neither of those sub humans can ever be better than the loving, caring being that I am.
Hang in there all of my CN family and be safe CL.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness

Let’s nust say it was a spree with the Limited. Hey, they play the odds. One will eventually stick.

It’s safe to say we Never really knew them. As far as that bus coming, it arrived. It took some time to see through all that shine; the rosary beads hanging from his mirror; the romantic dreams of a manchild and what he snagged from the cesspool.

Coming up on four years and NO one respects either one of the cheaters. I gave up on having a backseat view of the chaos and disorder that defines the union of a pathological lying sociopath and the toad who has to fake orgasms as he says, “Is it in?”
There’s probably a lifetime guarentee they’d rather stay with a downgrade than ever admit what it cost them. I’m loving the life I deserved.

Chumpantidote
Chumpantidote
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I’m blissfully sitting in the world of MEH and loving every minute of it.

Things are a very long way from “over” in all legal senses yet I feel so much gratitude that I found out when I did and the timing was prefect really.

Ofcourse APs are swamp monsters like cheating spouses, that’s a NO BRAINER! I rid myself of that filth ASAP! Happily.

I trust no one now. It’s my choice and I’m happy with that outlook.

Miraculously through that schema developed later in life, I met the most deeply caring man who’s been my rock. Oh boy did he have to prove himself! Poor darling.

Simultaneously cheater complained vehemently that there was only shit out there for him to ‘choose’ from lol. Diddums. I said “then that’s perfect for you”.

Together we RISE Chump Nation and focus on the hilarious land of meh.

Kimberly King
Kimberly King
6 years ago

Lola, awesome job girl! Just what I needed today – thanks to you and CL have a great time!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

Cheater Ex got himself a mother with two kids- oh but wait, according to him, she’s not the “doting” kind like I am…. perfect! He never had a relationship with his only child and now he’s soon going to be daddy to another man’s two children- including a teenage boy. I see success written all over that. Meanwhile his one kid just asked how much longer until she can stop answering his phone calls. Life has a way of sorting itself out… be a believer.

Cuz chump
Cuz chump
6 years ago

So true they do not trade up.
While I was being the adult keeping the house clean. Working full time, paying the bills and basically doing everything around the house. He cheated with my cousin. She is one year younger than me. Under 5 feet tall and around 170 pounds. She is struggling finacially and doesn’t care if her house is clean. But, she likes to party. She likes to go to bars and play pool. She loves to curse and be very loud. Yup, that is his prize and I hope he enjoys it.

susan devlin
susan devlin
6 years ago

My exs, ow, had a problem with alcohol, and drugs, so did my ex. 5 years later she still pines for him, shame she didn’t want her kids. Apparently she had a abortion but they have told so many lies you don’t know what is truth or fiction.

Chumpella de Ville
Chumpella de Ville
6 years ago

Any attention wasted on the AP is blame deflected from the cheater. I think we do it because we have a very difficult time truly believing they suck. And because they are great at manipulating us and setting up a fake (cake) competition.

It is only when we realize that the AP is irrelevant that we can truly accept that the entire blame (not 51% or 75% or 99%) rests with the cheater.

This is not to say the AP is a good person. It doesn’t matter who this person is, what s/he looks like, or how s/he behaves because the only reason they are the AP is that our (ex)partner created a job opening.

Denigrating the AP, while it might make us feel better for a time, is a kind of meta-blame shifting on behalf of our cheater. Time to stop helping them look better, even in our minds.

Trust that they suck and it’s all on them.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Having experience with many of the whores he fucked in my so called marriage, the cheater does set up the pickme dance. And I fell for it.

OW, however aren’t victims as many here are stating today. They are just as disordered to participate. YEARS! These are needy desperados who want what’s yours, your home, your children and very life.

No I don’t blame her for his sociopathic personality disorder. I blame her for justifying her behavior. OW/OM know what they are doing. They are willing participants.

ninon
ninon
6 years ago

I need to learn this. I struggle to learn this.

Chumpantidote
Chumpantidote
6 years ago
Reply to  ninon

You will MOST DEFINITELY achieve meh if you focus on yourself.

All the stages mentioned here are NORMAL for recovering after infidelity ie the pick me dance = normal but staying there is NOT.
The wanting to know about the AP is normal but continuing this mind fuck for too long is not.

Read up about ALL THE shitty lack of character dysfunctions a cheater has and you can skyrocket into meh land pretty fast!

THEY ARE NOT LIKE US. Repeat.
Thankfully WE are not like them! Hooray for that!
Dance that happy dance for that alone.

Meh will come after you’ve learnt as much as you can about shithouse people AND when you make the decision to go NC completely and focus your precious mind, energy and love on someone FAR more important. You. ❤

Hugs for those stuck in the shitty stages.
Come on down to the partying in meh land! ❤

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  ninon

Have faith. You are mighty. ????

Chumplanta
Chumplanta
6 years ago

I always held Cheatlanta 100% accountable and was Meh about Schoomplanta from Day One. Even given the fact that I knew her very well.

So,yeah, whatever, I’m Meh-ish towards her. But, if she were walking across a parking lot today and looking at her phone and tripped on a concrete parking block and chipped a tooth, I would not be sad.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago

I understand what you are saying BUT find that focusing on the AP as well as the cheater can be helpful in certain ways. It dispells the myth of the mysterious, irresistible OW. She is nothing of the sort! The only thing “special” about her is that she is WILLING to open her legs for a married man. Most women are not. What is wrong with a bit of schafenfreude? If it makes you laugh out loud, I think it’s good for you.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
6 years ago

I am going to disagree with you.

There is plenty of hate to go around.

If I were taking the stance that the OW forced herself on my poor husband, or that she took advantage of him then yes, I would be deflecting my anger onto her.

But saying hey – OW/OM are sad dysfunctional assholes in their own right is not minimizing the cheaters actions. At all.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

I see your point, but it’s a point that comes from well within the borders of the blessed state of Meh. Many of our Chumps here are not there yet, but are slowly building up speed.

One of the speed bumps they hit, especially early on, is seeing themselves as less-than, discarded, passed over for someone younger, slimmer, sexier, richer, smarter. On the face of it, this is often true.

But what ISN’T true is that they were passed over for someone BETTER. The reality is that a poor quality person with bad character left them for another poor quality person with bad character.

The blame is shared equally in my book, as most APs know damn well that they’re an AP. Their system of priorities is vastly different from the world of the Chump, and it takes some time for the Chump to get their head around that.

You don’t have to tell us here how saggy the AP’s ass is, or how bald the new Romeo is – well, you can, and we can all have a laugh, and feel better.

But what you CAN do, right now, is remind yourself that the AP is not somehow a better version of you, or indeed a better version of anyone or anything. Instead, they are a person who genuinely doesn’t care about solemn vows, commitment, love, children, decency, honour, or anything else. They are a thief – they want the thing that belongs to someone else, and so they go and take it.

So does your cheater.

So yeah, Schadenfreude is the holiday resort across the straits from Meh, and it’s fine in my book for Chumps to pass through it on the way. Laugh by all means at the AP’s missing front teeth or beer belly, but don’t let it slow you down.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Poor character, and an inability to see one hour beyond immediate gratification. They both suck.

Chumpella de Ville
Chumpella de Ville
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Dear Lola—I guess what I’m saying is it does slow you down on the way to meh. It raises the risk of a successful hoover, it allows us to think that the cheater isn’t all that bad…so in the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that the false comfort that comes from dissing the OW/OM is counterproductive.

But I realize that mine is minority position. Others clearly don’t agree with me 🙂

LongTimeChump
LongTimeChump
6 years ago

I agree with you. But this realization came slowly, after I ditched the unsuccessful pick-me-dancing and cleared the fog. No or minimal) contact and lots of reading here helped. Even though his main AP dates back to our pre-marriage days (they met when my stbx was single in uni and she was married and they hit off) and I blamed her for meticulous destruction of our family, I now realize that if not her, there would be somebody else. It’s a shiny sparkle of new and forbidden that is a draw for narcs which are pretty much like children drawn to new toys. They want new toys desperately, they get them, they play with them but inevitably get bored after a newer version comes out. My cheater had many tinder women and other OW’s besides the main AP so it doesn’t matter which one was THE ONE. It was him who stood with me in that church and gave his vows in front of the guests and it’s his ass that I am divorcing today, not the faceless multitude of his OWs.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

In my case it helps me to get how messed up ex is if that’s what he chose over me. Why would I want a man who prefers selfish self centered women with no morals, no compassion, and no sense of decency. It is a reminder that ex is beneath me and I am better off without that in my life. If I can really believe she sucks then it is also revenge knowing that he is now stuck with less than.

Michelle
Michelle
6 years ago

I don’t agree. Stbx is very crappy, acknowledging that he found a crappy sidekick doesn’t diminish his primary role in this.

It just helps put into perspective what a shitstorm of dysfunction me and the kids have been cast into. It helps me mentally propel out of the one-down position of hurt and despair that ensues from such treachery.

You can’t dwell on AP, but a bit of critical analysis helps you shake your head and move out from under it.

For me, it’s not so much physical characteristics, it’s personality. But I have had some much needed laughs at the petty stuff and recognize that as such.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Michelle

THIS^^^!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

I do agree, but I came to it slowly for sure. It’s hard for me to read the things people write while intending to have a laugh because they are often describing me. I am self-managed and smart and I shower and brush my teeth and stuff, but I am also what folks might call frumpy. My perimenopausal body is not socially attractive by any stretch. My many allergies and sensitivities result in realities like no option for things like makeup. Regular clothes don’t fit my odd frame, so my style is off-trend. My hair is thin and straight but with an awkward wave and it’s very easy to get too much conditioner and make it look stringy. My clearly unchiseled chin rivals Mitch McConnell’s at any weight. I have so many stretch marks it could make a tiger jealous. Post breast reduction my breasts don’t touch my knees anymore… But they did, for years.

That is what led me to the journey of focusing on the cheater and ignoring his many beautiful and not so socially beautiful APs to get to meh. After all, if it was all about looks, they would have all been supermodels.

I have a lot to give a person who can see beauty in a real person who isn’t polished into a perfect smooth stone. I have joy and passion and compassion to give. I am honest and fiercely loving. When I give my heart, it’s an unrivalled gift. When I make a promise, look out, because I don’t make them lightly and I plan to keep it.

I have character. The cheater doesn’t. The witting APs don’t, and the unwitting ones were marks, just like me. That’s as far as I want to give energy to APs. My problem was with the cheater, and once I refined my focus there, I started hating myself less and my life started to open up into the greatness it has become. Refining my focus was, for me, the key to meh itself.

ChumpaRican
ChumpaRican
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

You are the kind of woman I would have been blessed to have.

Raul Rodriguez
Raul Rodriguez
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

You are the kind of woman I would have been blessed to have.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

100% agreement. I wince quite a bit at comments on here about someone’s weight, about being single at 40, about having health issues, etc. When people lash out they ignore the collateral damage they cause to others who are already suffering.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Trading down is about character, that’s it. You are right, Amiisfree, that we should not be critisizing physical characteristics of the APs as downgrades, it’s how they live their lives (by screwing married people) that is the problem.

Once we are totally free of the mindfuckery, we can stop adopting shallow cheater values about what counts as ‘successful’ or ‘beautiful.’ It is not the paycheck, or the letters after a person’s name, or the tendency to wear designer jeans or have eyebrows that are on fleek. Success and beauty are defined by compassion, honesty, and integrity. And that, Amiisfree, makes you gorgeous.

The chump friends I have made since D-day come in all shapes and sizes, some with degrees and some not. They are all beautiful to me.

Bumblechump
Bumblechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I agree with Chumpella de Ville, and I am nowhere near meh. Focusing on the AP is a distraction. It feels a lot like society would have us shift the blame to the AP as a seducer while our faithless partner is an innocent victim. In this narrative we also blame ourselves for being not good enough to keep our spouse interested in us.

The whole story changes when you take the focus away from the AP and focus instead on the cheater’s poor character. Our self worth can’t be seen or discovered by a negative comparison; it has to come from within us. Mightiness, as I understand it, is breaking free from the hold the cheater has on our thought processes and realizing that we don’t need them to be happy with who we are. So, my advice is: focus on healing yourself and don’t waste any more time than necessary on the AP.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

You are mighty. Really mighty. ***APPLAUSE***

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago

It’s strange…my husband readily admitted that the OW was weaker. He felt I was too strong for him and that he knew he would never be able to really talk to me about what he thinks and feels, so he got a woman who he felt he has more power over.

He readily admitted that I am a better person, a better role model, a more trustworthy person. He said that he knew that people would think that he was crazy for leaving me to be with her. He once even said that I am a better person that the OW, but that he can’t help how he feels about her and how she makes him feel.

He spackles so heavily over her flaws and buys into her stories of self-victimization. According to him, “she’s a really a good person who has just made some mistakes in her life.” Well, her “mistakes” had a woman write a report about her on a bunch of cheating and homewrecking websites back in summer 2015. She was arrested for assaulting her husband when drunk in front of the children. She left her children and now doesn’t have custody of them. She sees an alcohol advisor. Hey, but she was separated from her husband when she was seeing that guy, but they were still living in the same house and the husband knew she was seeing that guy (oh, and it was a jealous ex-girlfriend who wrote those posts). The police were just trying to make an example out of her when she was arrested, showing that they will treat a woman the same as a man. It was really the husband that got physical with her first. It’s the husband that took the kids from her and works to poison them against her, as he was always abusive and controlling.

Well, I know that there is no way that this woman is better than me. However, I must acknowledge that she gives him something I don’t, and in that way she’s bested me. She makes him feel like a knight in shining armor, as he fancies himself her protector against the world that won’t accept their relationship. She has no other perspective but his to go by so she feeds him ego-kibbles that he’s so amazing and that his wife must be a controlling bitch. They are stuck in the infatuation phase where everything is shiny, everything he does is amazing, his “quietness” is seen is stoicism, they are soooo understanding and accepting of one another. She’s a desperate woman who can’t believe her good fortune that she’s scored a man who accepts her version of all her screw-ups and defends her, so she’s super grateful to him and thinks he’s the best. They get to spend all sorts of time together without their kids so they haven’t had to face any real world adulting together. When the day comes that they introduce their kids, they will have five kids, 12 and under, to contend with (my son being autistic too). Won’t that be fun!!!

Above all, what makes me a better human being is that I have moral integrity. It doesn’t matter how “nice” this woman is, she is a woman that knowingly engaged in an affair with a married man. She tolerated his comings and goings as he made both of us play the “pick-me dance.” I was the wife trying to save her marriage and not know the whole time we were in reconciliation that he was really participating in “wreckonciliation”. She has low standards of a man and relationship and low expectations of how she wants to be treated. She’s gained a liar and a cheater for a boyfriend. She has no good “how we met” story to tell and be proud of.

He avoids his family and isn’t telling them the truth of their relationship (claims they are only friends that hang out every once in a while). They know he’s lying. He lost his best friend (my cousin) who is so disgusted by the lying and they way he treated me. He only hangs around the few old friends who are single because the rest of the friends have wives that I am friends with (so he’ll only see them occasionally on his own without the OW). He no longer play baseball with his brother but has joined a team at his new job where no one ever met me.

As he works to isolate himself more and more from the life he has always known and the people who have always been there for him, I am more assured that she is NOTHING. For if she was SOMETHING, there would be no need for hiding, image-management, isolation. If this was something to be proud of, then you really could put this out in the world with confidence that people will accept this relationship and be happy for you. But, so it goes with addiction, and there is no doubt that this woman is like a drug for him, the feeling he gets from it is just too powerful to pass up. No matter the cost, the feeling is worth it. No recognition that the level of cognitive dissonance is making him less and less of a man. Well, I guess none of it matters as long as she is by his side. Better her than me.

Mehitable
Mehitable
1 year ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

From your description of the OW, it sounds like this is what he REALLY thinks of himself and what he deserves.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

@OptionNoMore – I can identify. At the same time the disordered ex would call me out as the “most horrible person” in his rages, he would then turn around the next day and text me (when he was rational) saying that I was such a good person, hard worker, role model to the children, etc. He has never professed his AP being better than I (he would then have to admit to who she is [I know who she is but I am not letting him off the hook in eventually confessing once he wants to introduce our children – it’s the same AP from D-Day 1]), but in every word and deed, he would give me evidence that I was “too good for him”. I do think he is weak and I do think he needed an AP who could make him think more highly of himself. (He would regularly say that in marriage, one person has to believe “they had hit the lottery” with their choice of spouse. He always seemed to be disappointed that I did not believe that there needed to be this power imbalance for two people to care about each other.)

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Hey, OptionNo More.

Your post made me want to punch your husband in the throat. What a dick!

“He felt I was too strong for him and that he knew he would never be able to really talk to me about what he thinks and feels, so he got a woman who he felt he has more power over.”

Bull. Shit.

This is a way of making you feel less than. As if you have the ability to be less than who you are.

Overachiever, organized, successful, confident… Those aren’t bad words. They aren’t insulting. To tell you that “you’re too strong for him?” WTF is that? It’s fuckwit mind games and gaslighting to the nth degree.

“He wouldn’t be able to talk to you about what he thinks and feels?” Huh? Why? What stopped him? Your strength? Come. On. He’s BLAMING YOU for being a successful human. You know how you talk to someone about what you think and feel? You open your mouth and speak.

And this: “She makes him feel like a knight in shining armor, as he fancies himself her protector against the world that won’t accept their relationship.” Fuck him. Just fuck him to Mars and back. Why? Because there he goes again – making your competence his excuse.

Listen, I heard this same bs and – unlike a lot of the other shit I bought, I immediately called this crap out.

My competence allowed Fuckface to meet the AP secretly, for years. My ability to pay bills, hire babysitters, make meals and keep a house and family running gave him the freedom to fuck in the third row of her Honda Pilot.

This is timid forest creature bs at its finest.

I sincerely hope you told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine after those two pathetic, self-serving lies.

Your capability has nothing to do with his lack of character. Nothing. He is wholly accountable for his actions. And pathetically incapable of decency. I hope you get away from that prick and use your strength to gain a life and get to meh.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

Wow @Golfgrrl – preach! If I were not NC with my ex, I would love to say all that. For now, I will pin that comment for my own reminder when I get lonely missing that douchebag.

Michelle
Michelle
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Option no more, I totally relate to your post. It’s my situation in many ways.

Stbx is now in a world where he doesn’t have to be acccountable. Being a piece of shit towards his family is not just condoned, it’s rewarded. He’s the king, the big man, the knight in shining armour, in a twisted and pathetic narcissistic reality. In my stbx’s case, this is just the environment he was raised in, he’s found his way “home”.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Michelle

Wow, Michelle! He found his way home.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Her playing the perpetual victim due to her train wreck actions is going to get old and very annoying. This will not play out well. Right now he loves that she is totally focused on him. Pretty soon he’ll feel she is sucking the life out of him. Get the popcorn ready!

Chumpnomore
Chumpnomore
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

This.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

OptionNoMore – this feels very similar to my story in lots of ways. AP is less overtly disordered (although definitely disordered) than yours sounds, but much less sophisticated and educated than me (and him). He was never loyal to me, never stood up for me (and I know actually discussed me negatively with the few friends and family he maintained relationships with himself), and after years of gaslighting and emotional abuse, I was not vulnerable with him, as it wasn’t safe.
What she provides though is a blank canvas of a vulnerable woman (widowed, lonely, desperate not to be on her own) who he can be a knight in shining armor for. This is my projection of course, and I can’t know for sure – but she is eternally grateful and can’t believe her luck that someone who is far wealthier and more educated than her and so kind (he is educated and more sophisticated than her but is very shallow so most of it is window dressing and the kindness is a complete self-serving facade) and he gets to feed his ego of being a knight in shining armor, rescuing the poor widow (reinforced by her less educated and gullible tribe). I wonder how long it will sustain itself – but they both have a lot invested in it so maybe it will continue to do so.
This discussion has been had a number of times on CL. I am with the camp who primarily hold the cheater responsible (winning the gold medal and where it is personal, at least to the extent that they consider, or should consider us, as persons) but that the AP definitely bears significant responsibility (winning the silver, not personal betrayal but still lacking common decency and humanity). I don’t think this distracts or detracts from the cheater’s responsibility but just because I don’t know someone (or them me) doesn’t make them being involved in emotional harm to me, or particularly my kids, innocent of any responsibility for their actions. It doesn’t make cheater any less crap/responsible by holding them somewhat accountable for their actions too. Meh is not caring about either of them and letting go of their actions (which I am clearly not at so I may be wrong!) but I am thinking that meh doesn’t mean not seeing their actions as wrong (even if without the emotional loading). I guess we all have our views and none is right or wrong, but these feels more authentic for me.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Optionnomore

Infidelity is all about power and control. You did everything right with the wrong partner. Welcome to CN. I suspect your cheater is a covert narcissist. He compliments all of your strengths and in the next breath basically says he prefers a skank.

An addict who lost her children thinks he’s a knight. What’s she tripping on.

And it won’t make sense to you! He wants THAT? Get a lawyer while he’s singing your praises. Have him served and withdraw any savings in s joint account.

Addicts are expensive. He’s a lying cheating loser. Protect yourself. Don’t wait. And get tested. It gets better.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

“She makes him feel like a knight in shining armor, as he fancies himself her protector against the world that won’t accept their relationship.”

FFS. That gets old, real fast.

You, my friend, have had a lucky escape.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Guess who gets to clean up after the knight’s horse now ? Not you ! Free at last

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago

Haha, Sucker Punched by a Saffa!

Good point!

We don’t have to clean up after the knight’s horse… or the horse’s ass riding on the horse.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

I’ve posted previously how the Limited selected his prey. He’d settle for a beach pass. Where I dropped him off suits him perfectly. The down grade is a perfect fit.

That convertible bmw (his baby) ended up in a junk yard. The business that was all important was lost within a year as he had her small income. She was evicted from her apartment. He moved her to his old hunting ground. But alas she’s all in with the future faking loser. After four years it a repeat performance.

At sixty he’s on the move once again to Florida. I lived that fantasy. The expectation is that she will support him. Good luck with that. Score settled.

My income is three times their combined income. Thst matters for ME. I get to LIVE free of the abuse. I can’t imagine if I was sitting in that shit pool he calls living. She is by far a downgrade and deserves wrapping her arms around KEN; yeah he looks good on the outside. There’s nothing but crap on the inside.
Thanks Lola

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

The only thing I knew about Sue was that Mac told me “She said she loves me, and you could never say it.”

Not a kind of love I want, pal.

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
6 years ago

My ex picked the OW because she was easily impressed by him, he could feel superior to her, and lord it over her. He’s nothing special though. Middle aged, middle class, average appearance, unexciting job, reliable commuter car, no exotic hobbies, no impressive skills. Just an average Joe. But to OW, who struggles to stay off the streets, he was way out of her league and a serious “catch”.

I found out that he has a history of preying on vulnerable women he feels are inferior to him in some way. He gets off on being out of their league, them feeling “lucky” to have his attention, dangling his popularity and financial stability over their heads, and uses that to manipulate and exploit them in some way.

I’m not giving the OW a pass, but I can empathize over him dangling the carrot of financial stability in front of her. Dance hard enough to “win” him, and she wouldn’t have to do backpage dominatrix sessions any longer to supplement her minimum wage income and keep a roof over her head. No wonder she went full bunny boiler on him when he bounced.

He wants an independent, talented partner to be “public” with and help boost his social standing. But needs a vulnerable OW(s) to lord it over in private and get off on the power imbalance of dangling a carrot in front of them and watching them dance and grovel.

That right there is some seriously fucked up shit.

Little red riding hood
Little red riding hood
6 years ago

^^^^^THIS

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Indeed.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago

At the time, cow’s 4 kids were 9-14 and she wrote to limp dick that parenting should stop at 12 because her parents did that with her and it worked out great. Daddy issues much? And the grammar and spelling was awful. She and her husband (former brother in law/cheating buddy) were scraping by on their 2 salaries and she blathered about getting a condo for herself and girlfriends in the city because her mothering job was done. All of her vacations she took alone, no husband no kids, spending money. She was 50. Of course sleeping with her boss also meant that his position would better enable her to pay for the kids who didn’t need parenting but totally needed money. Reading their shit was coconuts, she shape shifted her responses to always agree and mirror him (can’t speak for all of his verbal diarrhoea, as my manic digging gave me mostly her side and the affair had long ended). Horribly, her career tanked afterwards, and I always think about those kids and being half -raised by a selfish mother and an uncle/dad who fucked over his own brother. All boys. God help their future wives. I think limp dick was more embarassed about her after dday than me finding out. Because people’s jaws dropped when they found out. But when your only aim is to be fawned over and flattered, while in actuality you’re behavior is juvenile and destructive, the options really do become mouth-breathing wet-hole limited. Plus, having her off the job sucking his dick was probably better for the company than having her represent lol.

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Completely true on all levels. My x-wife traded down in all levels simply because this guy buys her anything she wants (even though he makes less than me). He is burried in CC debt, he has a 5 year old daughter that he sees maybe once a year (his choice) and they both cheated on their spouse, divorced and married each other.

I don’t see it lasting honestly and Karma is a bitch. They had some serious bad news lately from their roof leaking all over the place (new home they bought) to getting a deportation order and told they have to leave the country by November 2019.

I just sit back and “Smile and wave boys, smile and wave”.

ExofJudas
ExofJudas
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Deportation sounds sweet. Mawahaha Praying on that for schmoops.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Wow that karma truck was really taking aim wasn’t it. But seriously, ok the leaking roof can happen to anyone, but the other stuff, the credit card debt, the deportation, surely you know what to do to avoid this crap. I don’t know, sometimes I do wonder if they ever actually think beyond the next shag!

notsure
notsure
6 years ago
Reply to  Attie

My brother in law doesn’t seem to know what to do to avoid a lot of this crap. He’s 46 and went from mom doing everything to wife doing everything. When his wife tried to get him to budget and do bill paying, he didn’t do it. Bill collectors would start calling and she’d take it all back. She divorced him last year and he’s a train wreck.

IowaChump
IowaChump
6 years ago

Great topic!
Thanks to Iowa posting court cases online, it was easy to see my STBXH traded down. The OW has DUIs, lost custody of her daughter(she lost that case so bad that she has to pay her baby daddy’s attorney fees!), recently found in contempt of court in that case….and tons of speeding tickets.
3 months after he moved in with her, she got fired.
Looking at her FB pics, she’s physically nothing special.
It blows my mind he abandoned his family for that piece of trash.
Like someone posted earlier, “water seeks it’s own level.”

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

I think cheaters and AP’s are equally culpable. They work together to create a huge web of deceptions, and care nothing at all about hurting people, even kids.

No matter what–youth, appearance, any outward thing–the fact remains that both parties in that relationship entirely lack character, morals, ethics, or even basic human decency.

So, yeah. By definition, they are always trading down.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

My point exactly.

This isn’t about beating up APs qua APs. The AP is the shark in the paddling pool, but your Cheater is the one standing by while the kids get eaten.

People who cheat – that’s cheaters and APs – deserve each other. The Cheater leaves a solid partner for someone who is prepared to steal and lie on a daily basis. That’s the trading down.