Dear Chump Lady,
How do I get past this righteous thought of “it’s not fair!”?
I found out my ex was cheating on me with my best friend (ex best friend now) about a year ago. Of course just when I was getting over my girlfriend, about 6 months later, she came back to me and asked for my forgiveness. By then I was in a better place and did, and before I knew it we were back at it again. This time with her saying she wanted to move in together, to marry me, the whole nine. I told her I needed time before I could fully trust again, and what do you know but one month from when it started, I found out she was doing it again, and yes, it all ended in fire and brimstone.
But what’s really nagging at me 6 months later, is that she is still with the girl she cheated on me with. Apparently, they have moved in together and are leading seemingly quite a happy life. It is makes me so mad that she can do me so wrong and move onto a happy life with someone else without suffering any consequences. What she did to me was careless and abhorrent and it really wrecked me, and still eats at me to this day. It’s clear to me that she really didn’t care about me at all, and it doesn’t seem fair that she should get to be happy.
These thoughts, I know, are useless and unhealthy for me. Logically, I know I shouldn’t think about how she’s doing and I shouldn’t be comparing my life to hers and getting upset that she’s found love with someone else while I try to piece my life together. When I reflect on what the thoughts I’m having, I am reminding myself of a child stomping around yelling “it’s not fair” on the playground.
How do I right this ship of mine, get my mind right, and stop stomping around on the playground throwing a mental tantrum about this chick, Chump Lady?
Fooled Twice Chump
You’ve got a classic case of Trust That She Sucks. She sucks. You’ve not internalized it. When you really know she sucks, you won’t care what she does.
I know she sucks! BUT SHE’S HAPPY!
So what? So a fuckwit got two scoops of ice cream. So idiots roam the world delirious with joy. So Real Housewives of Hooterville got renewed for another season. Meh. Who wants to waste mental real estate on fuckwits?
The Real Housewives of Hooterville did not fuck me over, Tracy, SHE DID!
Fuckwits are NOT your tribe, FTC. Stop caring what they do in Fuckwit World. Live in FTC World. Let me break this injustice thing down for you.
1.) Don’t long for crappy people. You aren’t compatible. I really think the world divides into two kinds of people — bonders and shallow people. And the two sorts really don’t get each other. Some people don’t go that deep. We imagine that they do (bonders are great at projecting our connection on to others), and shallow people can fake connection (for awhile anyway, just keep the kibbles coming) — but it’s really two opposing world views.
When cheaters say “Get over it” I think they’re projecting their world view on to chumps. They’d get over it because they don’t bond deeply. They swap people out like used air filters. What’s all the fuss about? I mean, if you want to fuss over them, great. They won’t say no to kibbles, and your sentiments mean you may still be of use — but WHY if you’re a person who is capable of deep intimacy and fidelity would you miss someone who is NOT? Crappy shallow is NOT YOUR TRIBE. Go invest in people who BOND and reciprocate. The difference is like oxygen compared with sarin gas.
2.) As injustices go, there’s much worse. Is your situation unfair? Yes. Mine was worse. I mean, not that we’re the pain Olympics here. (I encourage chump solidarity, not misery one-ups-manship.) But you didn’t marry the creep. You didn’t move, or hurt children, or lose untold thousands of dollars. I ate a bigger shit sandwich, my friend. But then compared to Mr. Chump Lady? I got off easy. I didn’t invest 22 years in a fuckwit.
Now look at some of the other stories on this blog. OMG, right? Now look at the news cycle. We have/had broken hearts but no one is a refugee. No one spent 27 years on an island doing hard labor or was tortured for their political views. The world is FULL of unspeakable injustice.
I’m not trying to minimize your pain. I know what she did was humiliating and cruel and rocked the foundation of your being. (We know cruel people exist. We never expected to bond with them.) I’m saying, suffering is universal. (Especially if you bond, because you’re a feeling human). Keep it in perspective. Let injustice teach you empathy for others who experience injustice.
3.) Figure out what kind of person you want to be, and direct your energies there. You can’t control all the sucky people in the world. Sucky people gotta suck. It’s what they do. Accept you were chumped, now ask yourself WHAT NEXT? You control what next. You control who YOU are. Sucky people? Not so much.
I think we’re put on this planet to make it easier for the next unfortunate person. Be kind. Use that empathy this shit storm gave you. Go call out injustice. Shame it into a corner and laugh at it. Draw some snarky cartoons. Whatever your gifts are, FTC, USE THEM.
While she’s flitting from shallow nectar slut to shallow nectar slut, you go build a life of substance. While your ex best friend goes and poaches someone else’s girlfriend, you go adopt an orphan or something, okay? Wear the white hat. Be a good person. The better you are, and the busier your are with that new life, the smaller the fuckwit becomes.
(It’s a Tuesday.)