Dear Chump Lady, How do I stop being so angry with my ex?

assholeDear Chump Lady,

How do I stop being so angry at my cheating ex?

I get flashes of it and it makes me tired. He’s off living his single life with affair partner and gets 50/50 shared custody of our child. (I’m happy with that, although I miss my child lots).

He’s just become so rude. I only contact him about child-related things and he ignores or answers in his own sweet time. I’ve had to chase him four times for childcare payments (which he does pay but always blames the bank).

Anyway, I’m so tired of feeling angry. Maybe it’s because he’s shown no remorse and now just treats me like a gnat. My self worth is in shreds. Most of his family has ditched me (after 11 years). I don’t want to see a psych because I’m sick of talking and thinking about it all. I want meh…

Jen

Dear Jen,

It’s very difficult to feel indifferent toward people who deliberately keep trying to piss you off. While I constantly encourage chumps to “gain a life,” it appears that cheating exes did not get the memo. Whatever Schmoopie they’re off with next, so many of them circle back to their chumps for kibbles. And because you no longer love this person, they’ll take their kibbles in the flavor of antagonism. Did they get a reaction? Hey! It’s still centrality and control! Whoopee!

When you breed with a fuckwit, they have you by the curly shorthairs until your child turns 18. You’re vulnerable because you love your child and are deeply invested with your child. So, if a disordered person is so inclined, they can fuck with that vulnerability a thousand different ways. Did you send your child off with new shoes and your kid gets returned barefoot? Is there a very important book report that needs finishing and Uncle Daddy took Junior to the dog track instead? Perhaps your kid didn’t get returned that day at all? Asshole infinitum.

Oh, and the real kicker? They’ll follow it up with a sad sausage narrative of how Mean and Awful you are. So unfair! So uncompromising! So trying to be the BOSS OF THEM. And the real sophisticated mindfuckers will pull out the dagger of “Don’t you care what’s best for the CHILDREN?”

Why don’t you eat the shit sandwich, Jen, and play nice? Why won’t you be his “friend”? Why must you insist on court schedules and child support? Why are you such a fucking hard ass? Oh, he knows why — you’re still hung up on him and Schmoopie, right? You’re just jealous of their awesomeness. He’s very sorry you can’t be awesome (you should work on that!)

My blood pressure spiked just typing that. And yet I know so many of you live with this crazy Every. Single. Day.

And the narrative out there is be Consciously Uncoupled, be friendly for the kids, go take a Carnival cruise together! The cognitive dissonance between what is expected of us and what IS, is enough to make any chump lose their shit. If you’re angry, Jen? You’re paying attention. It’s not fair.

But, as a veteran, I can tell you it is endurable. Here are a few pointers, and then I’m going to open the floor to Chump Nation for the next two days and I want you all to give each other your pointers on “co-parenting” and keeping your sanity. We need this — the holidays are TOUGH.

 

1.) DOCUMENT. Whenever a fuckwit fails to consider the Best Interests of the Child — whether that’s not paying support, or screwing up the schedule, or missing a child’s obligation, or demonstrating some kind of neglect — you DOCUMENT it. Is this tedious? Yes. When the violation occurs, you write an email and time stamp that shit.

Bob, It was very distressing when you returned Tiffany on Monday instead of the court-appointed time on Sunday at 5 p.m. She missed her school matterhorn concert. Missing concerts is not in Tiffany’s best interest.

The law is based on evidence. If you wind up back in court, be armed to the teeth with documentation — and the case you are building is WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CHILD. (Yes, I mean that in all shouty caps. Internalize this.) Not what an outrageous asshole your ex is and how he or she personally antagonizes you, but WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CHILD.

2.) Lower your expectations. No, lower. No, still not low enough. Your expectations should be below sea level, looking skyward at the underbelly of an ant. And even then, maybe down a few more inches.

Essentially, expect NOTHING of fuckwits. Be the sane parent, and as much as you can, foster independence and self-reliance in your children. It will serve them well later in life. The book reports are on them.

Is it unfair that they have a fuckwit for a parent? Yes. But that’s the reality — everyone needs to deal with the reality and not what you think it Should Be or Could Be. But! But! She’s capable of being a decent, functional person for other people! Don’t go there. It is what it is. One way this shit makes you miserable is you keep expecting this person to do the honorable thing. It’s not going to happen. If it does occasionally? Awesome. Let go of the rest.

3.) You don’t control them. Only YOU. So be the sane parent. I say this a LOT here, but don’t fall down on the job and don’t get mired in the injustice. Just get up and do your damn parenting job. Your children will thank you for it later. They’re not dummies. They know who has their back. You just need to take the long view.

4.) Don’t take the bait. They can’t engage you if you’re not there. Be gone or be mentally checked out. He’s rude? Whatever. Deny the beast kibbles.

5.) ALWAYS enforce support with the state. NEVER be the heavy. Let the heavy boot of government do that.

6.) Be mighty! Go out and gain that life. The more you fill in with your new life, the more irrelevant are the Misadventures of Schmoopie and Fuckwit. You’ve got better things to do than stayed tuned into that channel. Hug your kids, go bake some cookies, and happy chump holidays.

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Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

I would add to this: Don’t make your kid or child custody fight a proxy war over what went wrong in your marriage. As CL said, the focus needs to be whatbis best for the kids.

April
April
8 years ago

I’ve found that the best reply to any of the xhole’s texts (we only text about the children) is to simply use these three responses — yes, no, or okay. That’s it! No other words are needed and this works on all levels.

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  April

Love it!

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  April

Great technique.

Baci
Baci
8 years ago
Reply to  April

Agree

OrlandoMB
OrlandoMB
8 years ago

I’m a person in a state of meh,

I let the crazy roll off my back; here is the text I received from my ex, today (divorced 5 years)

Her “please return all his clothes ….you have accumulated by Friday”;
UBT-She NEVER returns my clothes
Her “–My child shows disrespect to me ..Stop backing him up”
UBT-I had my ex-wife’s back, unfortunately she can never say the same for me.
Her”When I saw you at a traffic light with our son, you were laughing at me”
UBT-Whatever

I can’t be bothered arguing with her. I don’t try to defend myself. I explain once, then I let it go. My cousin offered my favorite statement, “stop arguing with the drunk at the end of the bar”.

I know I am a responsible parent and I instruct my son to behave properly.

Working It Out
Working It Out
8 years ago
Reply to  OrlandoMB

Dilbert’s Rule No. 10- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. Looks like you have mastered this.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  OrlandoMB

I don’t even explain anymore. If I have to have contact it’s very cut and dried and anything he does to try to create chaos I ignore. I had to call him recently and instead of discussing things with me, vis a vis our kid, he started shouting. No matter how many times I asked that he stop shouting and just talk he carried on. And then hung up. So I just got on with things and decided I won’t ask him about anything anymore and if he tries shady shit, such as pulling the kid out of school without telling me (which has happened several times) I just go to the source, such as the school, and say ‘Nope’. Because I have primary custody and he doesn’t get to make those decisions. Four years later and he’s still trying to yank my chain. And here I thought he was happy with his new life. Seems he can’t let go of the old one.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
8 years ago
Reply to  OrlandoMB

I am going to live by that mantra “Stop arguing with the drunk at the end of the bar!” Genius.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago

My ex loves any excuse for contact and makes every mild cough from our 6 year old or dentist appointment a reason to send an arm length text about what I’m doing wrong. I’ve learned through some stupid attempts at argument that he is indeed the “drunk at the end of the bar” and not worth it. I give myself at least an hour to respond to most texts so I can remain calm and keep my response brief, business-like and to the point. I ignore anything not kid related. The is my second set of holidays apart so I’m much stronger, but I will be glad when it’s over. Much love and healing to CN!

fbi
fbi
8 years ago

Well I ended up leaving my ex when I found out he was fucking around with some skank he had at an other apartment . Mind you this was years ago but still applies to today’s post. The very next day after I gave him the boot, I went straight to a lawyer that specialized with women’s issues. I made sure to get 100% of child custody. He was court ordered to make payments which I never received! I was VERY Happy with this because he could make no claims to his son…we didn’t need him. I decided to go to university I got a Masters in Canadian Comparative Literature and i now teach in a college. My ex went nuts for about two years after break up. Like stalking me trying to break down the door to my house, I had to get a restraining order, he attacked my new boyfriend, and his ex girlfriend told me he was obsessed with me, she came home one day to find all my pictures strewn all over the livingroom foor. He also tried to make me look unfit to care for his son. Very weird since he never paid attention to me nor the baby when we were together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder ha ha!

All this to say, you have your child which is number one. Move as I did to improve your situation like better job or studies. The child goes with the mother in such a situation. I could never have conceived to share my child with a fucktard. You can do it on your own. If he wants to visit let him drive the 600kms there and back as did my ex for 4 times a year visits.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

Eh, if you’re a cheater, you are automatically a bad parent (wasting time on AP’s rather than spending time with your children) – so the rules should be: if you cheat, you automatically relinquish all rights to said children visitiation-wise.
Might make these fuckers think twice about doing it, then!

lynne
lynne
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

No way……cheating does not mean you are a bad parent!
Why should the child pay the cost of a parents mistake…..that’s disgusting
Child loves both parents and should be able to continue to do so
Parents problems should not impact the child and parents can and do make this possible when they truly put the child FIRST

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  lynne

Lynne,
When you suck it down for your kids …. All you teach them is people who love you can treat you badly… Because they are family. Shitty lesson.
Children need to learn about boundaries. If one parent is treating the other parent like crap the kids learn to model this same kind of behavior. If one parent cheats on the other parent and lies, manipulates, takes family money and time…. the kid learns that you can be reall shitty , break promises, lie and steal …that is not anhealthy relationship …. Nor is covering up the other parents behavior to spare your children. You model to your children that you have worth. The family had worth. The had worth and the marriage had worth. Its not your fault that the other parent failed to honor that worth. So you cut the other parent loose and show your kids that you have boundaries and worth. You do not tolerate bullshit to spare your children. Its one of the biggest diservices you can do.
Can a lying sack of cheating crap be a ‘ good enough’ parent …. Sure. The courts have maintained parental rights for people incarcerated for murder…are they good enough parents?
The collateral damage of cheating is absorbed by the family unit. How the cheater choses to address the cheating with his/ her children will have an enormous impact on their development. Most will sweep it under the rug.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

L, fuck off.
By the sounds of the shit you are spewing – you are a fucking narcissist.
And your kids seem to have picked up on that crap too.
Just fuck off.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

No. This is my reaction to someone who is spouting complete and utter bullshit.
If you don’t like my ‘character’ I suggest you go crawl back under the rock from whence you came from.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Because you’ve never been cheated on!

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Lol…..yes I see your character loud and clear….this is your reaction to someone who doesn’t agree with you

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Wow L now there’s the slime dripping as you slither. And I see your lack of character loud and clear. Let’s see, bragging, demeaning those in pain with a smile, entitled, lack of empathy, repetitive drivel, not very bright, and going for the home run. I’m guessing covert narcissist. All narcs/trolls here are similar. Nothing new. We are used to the hook and it’s obvious from you first entitled post. We have the ability to accept others opinions even if they differ. We have a heightened awareness however, of a blatant lack of empathy. We’ve lived it. You can wear the mask but it’s your behavior that gave you away. Boring.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Oops, L, I forgot lying. You know like when you slither up to a barstool and pick up married men. Children? X said I never got to surf. The whore can have that child. Joanne, is the blonde he’s seeing when he says he’s going to the gym and the drums got moved lol , key word jamming. . Karina is the one from florida. He’s tried to contact Sharon and Cheryl. They let me know when he calls them. We keep in touch. Ask him what Sharin said about him. He tried calling her again she lives near the water. . STD testing L. Frequently. And washing the sheets? That’s what he does when he brings them home. Lololol your problem now

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Who compared cheating to murder? What I said is less than stellar parents have acess and share custody.
I am glad to hear your children are adjusted and have no long term affect of there parents behavior.
My cheater brought our daughter on his dates… Under the guise of Daddy’s friend. Then he drained her bank account. And then she witnessed him beat the crap out of me and threaten to kill me several times. He told our daughter that she was the reason our marriage broke up… Because we were way to focus on her needs… She has some special needs. The list goes on. The man was the epitome of a great dad and husband until he was busted! Dr Jekell and Mr Hyde. He has cut ties with every family friend. The man that use to be a hero in my daughters eye is now a man that she is afraid of.
Please dont stand on yr soap box and tell me how to cope with this bullshit. Glad it worked out for yr family and that you could buffer your children from any animosity or hostility… Sadly its a reality for my child and for a lot of families on this site. Try to wear those shoes for a day. Try it.
People who,lie, manipulate, steal and use violence are not good people… And they certainly dont make good parents.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

And….no shit….if you navigated the destruction of your life and don’t feel like a “chump” and your kids are grown and happy….you are ABOVE all of this and you’re not “like us”….WHY exactly are you even here L??

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Thanks, BlessinginDisguise (love your name!)–you’re right, the kids are affected no matter what happens.

Bad things were said about my father growing up, and it had the opposite effect on me–he was a controlling, critical, narcissist, and if people had NOT openly recognized his flaws, I would have thought they were addled. By 5 years old I knew he was a jerk too much of the time (even if he did occasionally rise to the parental challenge), and if people had papered over that, I would have felt invalidated and alone.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Well, in regards to “L’s” comment on the slurs directed at your father making you feel worthless as well…. I do remember my family talking negatively about my father and I remember it upsetting me. Kids don’t understand. With that said, I can tell you that for me my father’s neglect made me feel more UNWANTED and worthless than any shitty thing anyone ever said about him. He was far too busy getting drunk and chasing women every night to waste anyof his party time on visitation with me.

I can remember VERY clearly crying myself to sleep when I was 7-8 years old because my daddy did not ever come see me? I internalized that bullshit, thought there HAD to be something wrong with ne that he did not want to see me?? &By the time I was in my early 20’s I figured out that he was a sick and broken man. I forgave him but the damage had already been done.

I will never say anything to deliberately hurt my son but I will NOT allow my son to internalize his father’s negligence.

I am not saying that I condone badmouthing the other parent, I’m not and I don’t. But I don’t pretend he is better than he is. I truly wish, for the sake of my son, that he could get his head out of his ass and be better…but it’s highly unlikely.

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Tempest – Absolutely, Judith Wallerstein’s study is dated (and so is “High Risk – Children without a Conscience). My point was that regardless of the family circumstances (high conflict, low conflict, seemingly functional, overtly dysfunctional), children will be affected.

The Coalition for Divorce Reform – one of the founders being a chump herself – is not based on religious beliefs, though there are religious references smattered throughout the postings (as they are here in CL). I think their premise is that there are too many unnecessary divorces because of trivial reasons (not abuse, addiction, adultery and serious fuckupedness).

I totally agree with you. I lived with a serial cheater, pathological liar, adept manipulator – and now, sadly, my children have the pleasure of his company for half of their formative years. They don’t get a sane parent 100% of the time because serial cheating, pathological lying, porn-addicted, prostitute using, narcissist, misogynistic on-line dating junkies can still apparently be good parents. Go figure….

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Your child is half that cheat and will think that every time you say horrible things about the cheat……keep it zipped for your child

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

I had to listen to my then 10 year old tell me all the lies his father said about me, ten year old believed him and threw all the lies in my face every chance he got. This went on for many years. I had to suck it up and not say a word and I wanted to die my son believed this shit. Horrible horrible things everything wrong in fathers life and problems my fault. Fuck fuck fuck. I had to suffer because his father was a complete and total asshole for fucking years. I tried to explain to son dad has a drinking problem and doesn’t remember everything the way it really was. Nope the two of them crucified me for years. Massive weight loss and drugs for me. Thank god I have no little ones this time around. Don’t have to go into details but I would handle it differently this time.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Please don’t stand on your soapbox and tell me either…..nowhere did I comment on violence……your all about we must tell the truth…..maybe he was…….so he has to lie but you don’t?? Hypocritical??

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

One last note… It aint about me… I can defend myself. My child can not. And i will not have here believe that any of the above behaviors are love for a child or for anybody. She will not grow up thinking that she will ever have to eat shit to make somebody happy or keep them in her life.
Bad lesson.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

And I’ve never taken shit from anyone…….and my kids already don’t…..what they witnessed was a mother who did not cat fight or tell them anything that was no concern of theirs……they witnessed a mother who could not be antagonized and who did not judge their father for his actions…..she just made sure hers were right…..she lived by her integrity and values only……and understood other people are not the same…..some people are weak and that’s that…….some people get lost sometimes….. Some people get things wrong…….none of that matters as long as your true to yourself…….no adult needs another adult to survive……..they learnt to be the better person …….my kids saw me become unstoppable…….. and streetwise…….they are too

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Hey, L, I was never talking about talking shit about my cheater to my child. Never have. I was explaining how during the affair, which I was unaware of, cheater was absent mentally, emotionally, and physically for my child. Blamed it on work and he did have a high pressure job with a lot of responsibilities. During that time my child was very effected by the way the cheater treated him. And it fell on me to build his dad up in his eyes and to reassure him of his father’s love. Imagine my rage when I found out the truth.

I highly doubt that any of the men and women on this blog sat around telling their children what pigs their other parent is. We are just disgusted that a parent can have so little consideration for the children “who are half of them”, like you said.

You seem very defensive for cheaters. “Not judging their father by his actions” is very big of you. By what criteria did you judge his character? For someone who hasn’t cheated, you are very evolved.

L
L
8 years ago

Because as a child my father cheated and all the subsequent bickering and nastiness and being told he was vile and worthless made me think I was too……as he was in my genes…….no way come hell or high water was i going to let my kids feel like i did……..it was my marriage not theirs……everyone on here is slagging off cheaters…… if that cheater had ended the marriage b4 actually cheating…so say he or she met someone by accident and knew they didnt love their spoise enought to not cheat..so ended the marrange first…they would still say the same about them…..even though they say they wouldnt

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

So tell us who was the cheater, the father if yiur chikdren or you? Well you are half of him after all.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

L I’ve yet to hear a chump who speaks up fir the cheater. So in essence your saying chumps are “slagging” cheaters? We should respect and forgive them for the children? Your logic is quite mimdfuckingly leaning toward the cheater. And to do this we need to lie to our children? And we won’t have to cripple a poor wittile unicorn. Thats what we call the UBT, a necessary evil to conquer all word salad. There’s no doubt you suffered within your life. The difference is in our actions. We want to gain a life. We have to detox and go no contact.
Here’s what I know about the entitled and ther is indeed a wide spectrum. The affair is never about the OW it is about power and control. Let’s say you thought the married man was the soulmate and you won the special slunT banner. Well, the truth is he gets bored, quickly. While he was seeing you he was dating two other women. You win! Yet, now that you encouraged that poor misunderstood bed wetter alcoholic you have to drive around to move in with you there’s no thrill. Believe me when I tell you it’s always about the thrill of the chase. He told me you were not a dream girl and would dump you too. Yet since I no longer give him supply he can use you. And now he’s actually single. That other, other woman also thinks she’s special. He’s going for it as soon as she divorces her husband. She is a looker and is a better cultural fit. New supply with assets. It’s not about love or the children L. Those are a distraction to keep you busy while he’s doing the blonde. It’s about entitlement. And she gets the love bombing. Your days are numbered. Was it worth it?

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

You know something L? you really need to go away.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  L

L, if my cheater had had the gonads to say he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce I could have lived with that happily. Yes, I’m “slagging off” cheaters because they are lying fuckfaces. They lay waste to their families. Obviously by some miracle your children are unscathed by your husband’s self-serving behavior. He must be a special breed of cheater that none of us are familiar with. Not fit nothing but me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I think that it’s important to understand that good people don’t cheat.

Good parents don’t lie to their families to help execute an affair.

Leading a double life through emotional, physical, and financial infidelity is NOT demonstrating to children how they should live their lives as a god person.

It really is that simple.

Personally, I have to spend WAY too much time worrying about what my STBXW’s actions – and inaction – are teaching our young daughter. So, when she is with me 50% of the time, we have two rules for our house:

1) Always tell the truth (no lies)
2) Do the right thing (take responsibility and act with integrity).

Those two rules come DIRECTLY from having to counteract her mother’s secret double life (amassing a huge debt in secret, having at least one affair with a guy that my daughter is afraid of because he forced an altercation with me… at a fair… in front of a group of children…).

The best thing that I can say about my STBXW’s parenting style is that it’s high on distractions that keep my daughter temporarily happy, and it’s effective at outward appearances, but that there is little-to-nothing in that style regarding the core precepts needed to navigate our complex world as a quality human being (hence those two rules above – we even have them in Chinese script framed in our kitchen, so they’re always easy to see and people ask about them, etc. – they get “air time”).

Parents cannot make the mistake of assuming that compartmentalizing portions of our lives – as ALL cheaters who parent HAVE to do BY DEFINITION or they will almost certainly lose some percentage of custody in the U.S. – is ok or good for children; I don’t think there’s any reputable psychologist who’d agree with that. Keeping your kid fed, housed, clothed, and engaged in activity is only a small portion of parenting – in fact, so much so that most of that is mandated by law in the U.S. But those are not the only things that make or break a child’s future mental and emotional health; that stuff won’t make them productive members of a peaceful society.

You do not **tell** children how to live; you **demonstrate** to children how to live. And they need it shown that the abuse of infidelity cannot and should not be tolerated, even in the face of well-meaning but misaligned social pressures (in age-appropriate ways, of course; a good IC can give you the details on how to do that for your child’s age group).

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

L. Did you come here to be helpful or to argue with people? Jesus shut the fuck up already.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Ok I think it’s X’s piggy. My chikdren think she’s just one stretched out vagina. They each have a unique name for her and she blames ME for X’s shitty behavior as a father. Her middl initial is L

L my children are not 1/2 their father. They know about his sickness which includes child porn. He disgusts every one of them. We’ve all bailed on fixing him. Your stuck with it. And be careful he’s still seeing someone on Wednesdays. Lol.
And my children make mistakes and learn from them. Cheating isn’t a mistake it requires Lying, sliding the credit card for ho-tels for MulTiple stunts.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

If one of my children grows up to be a “cheater” will I abandon them? The answer is no, I will still love my child, however I will NOT support, enable, or condone such selfish and assholioan behavior. I will not stand idly by and watch my grown child fuck over his family and children and I sure as fuck won’t cheer him on or hold his hand whilst he or she does so. If one of my children should EVER treat my grandchildren the way X has treated my son, my foot will be SO far up their ass they’ll need a jackhammer to remove it.

I know how to tell my child “I LOVE you but you are being an asshole! Stop!” Enabling destroys lives and it is not “loving”, it’s shitty, selfish and disordered parenting. Period.

When you raise your children enabling them, making excuses for them and their bad behavior, and never teach them about integrity and accountability you are CRIPPLING them. They grow up believing they never do anything WRONG so they have NO boundaries.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

If a future child of mine cheats on their partner, then yes, I will abandon them.
I don’t bring my children up to be scum, nor my sister’s children, L. I also don’t bring my children up to lie, steal and divert resources from an honest person.
Hopefully that penetrates your thick skull.
Once again, you can fuck off. You’re not wanted here. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re an OW, to be blunt.
PS: I don’t “bully” you because I disagree with you. I call you out on your shit. There’s a vast difference between the two – one you should learn.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

L says “just like you treat your exes cuz they don’t toe your line…”

Toe OUR line? Those things called marriage vows, and family responsibilities? Basic kindness to the person to whom one pledged one’s life? The other parent of your children

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

We all know there are no guarantees in anything….married or not…..humans are humans….I’m putting forward a different reaction to things instead of the mass this is how you should feel and do things…..one day one of your kids might be this cheater you so despise…..will you abandon them??? Maje them pay for their bad decisions for eternity??Cheating hurts but there are much worse things

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Hey, Chump Nation, does “L” sound like any of your Ex’s? This troll is obviously NOT someone who has been cheated on, but rather the one who did the cheating. Trying very hard to convince themselves and others that their children suffered no ill effects of their bullshit.

I think we should take bets on who “L” used to be married to! The syntax, the phrasing, the mangled spelling, THE DOTS! What do you think? Does “L” sound like your ex, or better yet, Schmoopie??

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago

Hummmm…Uneffingbelievable…satan can’t spell…but…he can’t use a computer either. Unless his ho can!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jackpot!!

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago

go the FUCK AWAY satan!!!!!

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

No I wasn’t the cheater……it broke my heart actually…but only mine…..I moved on…immediately. …..he was a person who obviously loved himself more than me……no need for disgusting language from you on here….if he couldn’t rile me how can you…..and you’d abandon your kids….for cheating???? Says it all…..that’s as bad as being a cheater…..you don’t abandon kids because they do wrong unless it’s murder!!!!!! Cheating is common….so you stand a good chance of your kids doing it……grow up….smell the coffee…..humans find monogamy hard…..the statistics are out there

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Well said, RK.
Its always the same crap though from trolls: I will talk sanctimonious shit until someone finally calls me out on it, then I will cast aspirations on your parenting ability or mental state just because you call me a bad word.
FUCK OFF, L.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

You bully me because I disagree with you

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Agreed. I can’t take any more of this. L is some kind of troll getting a contact high off Chump grief and a huge amount of kibbles. It’s either a cheater, an affair partner, or a 16 year old whose bored of listening to her One Direction CDs over and over. Stop feeding the beast!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

I vote Cheater, startofsomethinggood! Going to be the Kibble Nazi from now on – “No kibble for you, L!”

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

The problem is you on this site. Go away Troll.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty…I heart you!! Seriously, what a sanctimonious PITA she is.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Yes but its not just parents kids learn from

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  L

L
Your sancti-mommy-ous post comes strait from a parenting magazine…
not sure what you are trying to achieve going against the grain here. You wanna be chump mom of the year?
Cause whatever you are pitching in your campaign is fabricated.
Your opinion is out number by 20-1 and yet you continue to try to sell it. Unfortunately u really lack any empathy for other parents here and what they have had to go thru and are still going thru with some really disordered indiviuals calling themselves parents. You dont even validate that. Not everyone on this site is having parenting problems with there cheater… But the ones that are you are blasting them with some holier than thou BS and regurgitating strait from ‘ Parenting’ web site. Your blantant disregard for the fact that a lot of people who cheat are really entitled assholes who are not good people or parents. You come along with your sanctimonious brush painting thoses chumps as less than because they chose to tell their children the truth.
That is a form of blame shifting and lacks empathy.
Glad it work for you and yr kids… Your recipe doesnt work for everybody… Run along now

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Wow, you must be perfect while the rest of us are not. Perfect parent too! How nice for you. Please go away and take your advice with you.

Kfl
Kfl
8 years ago
Reply to  L

My stbx fell in wuv with our babysitter who was living with us. My 13yr old daughter found his pants on the floor of her room and came to me holding his pants and asked what we’re doing in there? I tried to take the high road and told her she needed to ask her dad. She responded with “that’s disgusting”. I didn’t have to tell her anything. She figured it out herself and I wasn’t going to lie to her to protect him.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Kfl

No you are the disgusting one here criticizing everyone else. The mom didn’t do anything wrong. She tried to shield the daughter but the kid figured it out. I wish I could ban your ass you are really getting on my nerves. If your ex beat the living shit out of you or your kids would you lie to them them. Do you know what a troll is. You act like one.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Sorry hers the whores children are more important than his own. Why, cause her and everyone in her family was coached to kiss his ass and hang on his every word while he and I raised ours to be free thinkers. Maybe something happens to some when they start feeling their mortality but you don’t throw away and blow up your own family least if all your own kids. He their father spouted recently to me, some really horrible thoughts, feelings, and resentments towards his own children that he never felt before, I was horrified, you see L, her the whores children are perfect and flawless and now after all these years he has decided his are dissapointments, and dysfunctional nie he is with his new woman. I will take all the bad things he said to my grave, but the type of man he is, one day he will let it slip out when he is in a mood, he says horrible, terrible things he can’t take back when angry. He has shown them in the end what an unemotional, uncaring father he really is. His actions not mine. How could any of us remain friends with someone who has pretty much abandoned his own children for another woman’s kids who have a father who adores them and is their for them? I can’t explain away or gloss over that behavior, he has really bad character flaws.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

We all don’t have to agree to comment. And I don’t disagree because of my rules. Its the way I handle things. You have your own way fine but you drew first blood by calling the way some of us do things disgusting. We come here to vent, get comfort, give comfort, praise, curse, scream, whatever. This is a safe place for us thanks be to tracy for creating it. My children all grown want me away from their father so he can’t do more damage to me. They don’t want me to be “friends” with him for how badly he blew up the family. Their choice not mine. I wouldn’t do business with a company who screwed me over. Friends, real friends don’t screw each other over. You stated your way and you insulted and called others way disgusting. I encouraged my kids to stay close to their dad, they tried, boy did they try. He has mostly ignored them the past three years cause of his new family. They kept trying Now they are just disgusted. Now that they figured out the his children and grand babies are more important to him then them and their own children they have given up and that was their father’s doing not mine.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Ok, L, you’ve officially lost me.

Here’s what I discuss about my STBXW with my daughter:

Nothing.

Now, at some point, because my kid is very smart, she’ll ask what happened. I will NOT lie to her. If your point is that under no circumstances should you directly insult their other parent, then generally I agree with you. If your point is that under no circumstances should you tell your child that other their parent did something wrong (even in an age-appropriate way), even when they specifically ask about it, then I disagree with you completely.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  L

L, I thought that we were talking about parents here?

Believe me, I am well aware that there are other potential influencers; e.g., my STBXW’s affair partner, who is not viewed too favorably in terms of his reputation in our area (and even with his own siblings).

That scenario sucks for my kid.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Yes and kids know half this other person is who they are……so be careful what is said……

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Keep telling yourself that, L. If you say it enough, it might magically come true. Highly doubtful though. Why don’t you go to your children and look them in the eye and ask them to rate your cheating ass as a parent? Tell them you want the complete truth. You’d be horrified at what they really think. And I’ll bet you’re too much of a pussy to want the truth. Keep on loving yourself more than your marriage, though. The world needs more self-involved idiots like you. Not.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

BlessinginDisguise (thread ran out): Thank you for providing those links, but you should know that Judith Wallerstein’s research was conducted when divorce was still fairly uncommon (and thus more of a social stigma for both parents & children), and she did not account for high- vs. low-strife situations. The “Divorce Reform” column is very one-sided at the expense of research.

For example, the Divorce Reform columns states, “While the true “best interest of the child” is undeniably a single home with two parents, no fault unequivocally denied this, legally speaking, of course. The reasoning went like this. A child was better off growing up in separate homes of divorced parents than in a home of married parents characterized by contention and strife, even though no formal studies of the effect of divorce ever supported this conclusion.”

–there is now ample evidence that a married home with contention & strife IS indeed worse for children than a divorce situation
–if you consider parenthood with a disordered parent (as many of us experienced), a single parent life with a sane parent is preferable.

My guess is that the Divorce Reform guy is coming from a very traditionally-based, probably religious background, and thus is staunchly opposed to divorce no matter what the circumstances.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

And let me just put in a plug for sometimes talking shit about the other parent. My mother’s willingness to admit when my father was being an asshole helped give me the boundaries to call out my X on a number of things when we were married, and then to divorce him when I found out about his cheating. (Obviously I wish I’d had enough boundaries to ditch him long before that, but c’est la vie.)

And when my now-X does something cruel or manipulative, or pulls his sad sausage, my daughters know I think he’s behaving like a jackass. They are both highly moral, confident young woman who are willing to set firm boundaries, in part because I refuse to spackle for other people’s bad behavior, including their sperm donor.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

L–did you REALLY mean to say “I am however the only one on here with happy well adjusted self confident kids”????

You’re the only good parent in Chump Nation? The only one who raised well-adjusted children? Hmmm…..

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Only cuz your all saying how unhappy your kids are cuz of the all evil X……himself alone!

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
8 years ago

Spouses who cheat are not good parents. There is hard research that backs up the need for two engaged, committed and sacrificing parents, being role models for relationships based on love, trust, respect, empathy and commitment (none of which are emulated by the cheating/lying spouse).

Here are a couple of great links:
https://ttfuture.org/academy/introduction-james-w-prescott-phd

My favourite line: “And what about fathers? It is the primary role of males to protect and support the women they love, so they can nurture all our children.” I would say that it is hard to protect and support the woman you (claim to) love while you are off with the AP or visiting prostitutes.

By subjecting children to the trauma of divorce, you affect their health, happiness and longevity. http://divorcereform.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/DR_talkingPoints1.pdf

There are direct link between “adverse childhood experiences” (e.g., parental divorce) and the adult onset of chronic diseases. http://acestoohigh.com/aces-101/

There are the “sleeper effects” of divorce (see Judith Wallerstein – “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”); the moral confusion (see Elizabeth Marquardt – “Between Two Worlds – The Inner Lives of Children on Divorce”); and the possibility of creating (the next generation of) attachment disordered individuals (see Dr. Ken Magid and Carole A. McKelvey – “High Risk – Children without a Conscience”).

For the men and women who find that cheating/lying is more important than the commitment they made to their spouse – and, by extension, to their children – they are kidding themselves (I believe the technical term would be “denial” – http://divorcereform.us/denial-the-price-of-our-childrens-best-interest-2/) that it has no effect on their children.

The effects may not be immediate and they may not be visible from the outside, but they are there and they are real. Children will survive, but survival is a pretty low bar to set when it comes to raising children.

And when the cheating/lying spouse talks about “the best interest of the children” – what a load of CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
8 years ago

Blessing in Disguise…if I could scream ‘Thank God someone gets it!!’ at the top of my lungs right now, I would. Alas, my 2 and 4 year old babies are asleep in the next room.

The damage to our two children is nothing according to my ex. He is in total denial, 100%. He, his new schmoopie, her family, her kids, his parents…they all tried to NORMALIZE what he did. I felt like I’d been run over by a train, with my guts in a pile beside the track, while all of them were shrugging shoulders and making remarks like ‘well, sometimes people just fall out of love I guess.’ The rage and crazy-making almost shattered my psyche. I have never felt that close to a nervous break. It felt like I was having the train run over me over and over and over, all while having to look at my (then) 1 and 2 year olds with a smile and change their diapers and make their meals and wake up with them endlessly in the night when I felt like I could collapse into death from the strain it put on my psyche and my heart. My ex’s betrayal and abandonment aged me 10 years in 10 months. Trauma is absolutely horrible for nervous system and the soul. He may as well have stuck a grenade in my chest cavity with a smile and pulled the pin. Felt the same.

But his blindside (love you one day, leaving you to move 2,000 miles away to live with a stripper the next) was a tender kiss compared to the late-night imaginings of my children’s future scars. The last year was a cake walk when juxtaposed against what I see coming for them as a result of all this. I try not to live in fear, but the references you list, of which I have read many, are devastating. I never once thought this would be our lives. I would never have handed this to them, ever.

So on the topic of anger, I will say this: THERAPY. Individual therapy, group therapy, and talking with sane people who would NEVER normalize something horrific. Get it out verbally no matter how sick of your own voice you are. And exercise every day. The cocktail of feel-good chemicals you get from cardio exercise washes the poison out.

And on the topic of children, I will say: If you have faith, impart that into their little hearts. Let them know God is their ultimate father, one who will always be with them, always love them. A father who would never leave holds such appeal to them, because they have already known one that would. Sick. Sad. Heartbreaking. Horrifying. Yes, cheaters make bad parents for all of the reasons you listed, but courts don’t agree. The world is a backwards, unfair place at times. But the more I act joyful around them so that I can try to balance out what was done, the more I realize I actually FEEL joyful. Just gotta embrace your new normal instead of railing against it. It does no good anyway.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago

what a true, painful, and beautiful post. thank you. bless you! i will share with my children when appropriate. (i have used the same words about God being their ever loving and faithful father 🙂

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

my reply ^ is supposed to be tagged to Honeyandthehomewrecker’s wonderful post

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago

“I am however the only one on here with happy well adjusted self confident kids who are now adults and thank me for what I did.”

Yes L, you get a standing fucking ovation for lying to your kids about what a douchebag their father was. SMH.

Jenn
Jenn
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I told me kids the truth as to the divorce. They were 18 and 22 at the time. Sorry but I was done covering up his bad behavior. My 18 year thanked me and said he was glad I told them. He said they were not stupid and they would of figured it out. He also said at least we know we have one parent that will be honest with us!
My daughter was also glad because she was devastated to the divorce and she wanted to make sure it was for a good reason. She told me NEVER trust him again

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I never lied once……there are ways of saying things to minimise pain

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

For example? Tell us about the cheater?

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

For example?

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Yes, L, it’s so much better to think that people just get tired of their family and bail for no apparent reason. Commitment means nothing.

They say children always blame themselves for divorce, and your model certainly seems to ensure they will do just that.

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Why don’t they then???? Why are they fantastic people now and why do I have an amazing relationship with them………..

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Truthfully, L, I don’t know or care. Maybe your cheater ex is the sane parent in your former marriage. But, whatever, the case I’m done with you.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

L –

Why WOULDN’T you have amazing relationship with your children now if you are the FAITHFUL spouse??????? Think you just gave yourself away! Oops!

L
L
8 years ago

I wasn’t the one that cheated so take that back…..I am however the only one on here with happy well adjusted self confident kids who are now adults and thank me for what I did. …that’s all that matters

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  L

“I am however the only one on here with happy well adjusted self confident kids who are now adults and thank me for what I did”….

“L “…..Did you run out of Narc supply?? To sprout that you are the only one on here with happy kids… I have one word of advice for you and it is a big fuck you… get your facts straight before you start making more of an idiot of yourself.

My kids are incredible people, happy, honest, kind and we are extremely close. They both have brilliant minds (excelling in all their academic studies). They don’t see their father (their choice) because they don’t want to be around the narcissist crazy. I told them every bit of the truth. They deserve to know the truth about their lives. Keeping secrets from them is NOT in their best interests. We have a very open relationship and can talk about everything. I think maybe you ought to sort out your own issues of why you need to keep secrets – a huge amount of counselling needed???… and in the meantime stop making judgements about other peoples lives.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Sorry – it sounded as if you both cheated. I do apologize for making that assumption from what you wrote. Glad your children are untouched by cheating. They are the exception to the rule.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  lynne

It SHOULD always be about the children, but it is not. Children SHOULD always come first, but for the disordered they do not. You can NOT force a selfish disordered asshole to put their child first!!! I have eaten so many shit sandwiches I feel as though I will never get the taste out of my mouth. My X operates from a constant stance of “you’re not the boss of me” and it’s all about him. Co-parenting with these assholes is virtually impossible, they only give a shit about APPEARING like a good parent, not actually BEING one.

Children do love both parents, unconditionally and sometimes unfortunately. I can’t speak for every cheating x-hole but I can tell you that mine is a horribly selfish asshole and he continues to make decisions that affect his son negatively and he doesn’t give a shit. It makes me despise the sight of him and the sound of his voice.

My heart BREAKS for my son, it hurts me deeper than ANY pain the asshole ever inflicted on me, but I can’t MAKE him be a better father any more than I could make him be a better man or better partner. He’s NOT redeemable. Period.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

OH MY GOOD GOD NCStevie…

You’re not the boss of me…

Assholes are all the same…like 3 years old selfish brats!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

As we speak (type lol) X-hole is on yet ANOTHER trip, flew down to Tampa for some bodybuilding bullshit (I’m sure). Meanwhile he’s avoiding the law, child support, bill collectors and every other responsibilities he can. Christmas is 13 days away, he has 5 kids and 1 grandson and he’s, yet again, pissing money away on himself and won’t feel bad one bit slighting the kids on gifts. Fuckhead.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Sad but true, they seriously have the mentality of pre-adolescents. Boggles the mind.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

I missed the troll shit!
L
My serial cheating spouse was never a good father to his children because he was always cheating and dropping them off places and taking them with him when he went on dates. What fond childhood memories. I stayed married to him to protect my children unfortunately. They were happy when I finally divorced him. They thank ME for protecting them after seeing the mentally ill whore he lives with. Not one of them respects him. The damage he caused them was due to his selfishness. I DO not recommend staying with a cheater.
For your information children should be protected from alcoholic, drug addicted, serial cheating covert narcs who frequent child porn sites and madturbate in the basement. My children are aware of his deviance.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Bingo, NCStevie & Free Vixen! Children never come first for cheaters (or they wouldn’t have been cheaters).

I would also add that when cheaters are fucking around, they are typically devaluing the parent who is actually doing all their work. I was a much worse parent when X was around because I was constantly stressed, or defensive about his criticism. The kids then got less positive attention.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You are right, Tempest. Ex was spending time, money, effort, etc. on some whore and her brat that had no right to anything from him. Anything that went to a slut and her offspring is stolen from the rightful persons. The wife and children.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Cheaters only and always, forever put themselves first, above and beyond everything and everyone else including their own children. Period.

If they value anything, or anyone, it is short lived and only exists as long as it benefits them or makes them feel good.

Funny, when this all blew up I was talking to X-holes previous wife about my concerns of the damage the split would do to my son. Her response? Your son will hurt, you will be there to love him through it, and in the end he will grow up to be a better man because he won’t be watching his father’s shitty and selfish example. She knows. Their son, now 18, was 8 when they split. He is a far better individual than the oldest son who is WAYYY too much like daddy.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Yes NCStevie!

He will have had a much better role model and saner parent.

…how can anyone justify such lowlife’s!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  lynne

Wow, seriously? My ex left his child (and me) HOMELESS and you think that he’s still equally capable of being a good parent just because he is capable of biologic reproduction? You think that his deliberate affair was a MISTAKE??? It was absolutely, 100% intentional, premeditated, and he didn’t for a moment consider what was best for anyone or anything except his genitals. And no, it’s not fair for my son to pay the price for his dad’s asshole behavior, but that is on HIM, not on me. He has demonstrated time and time and time again that he’ll put his dick over his child’s best interests, so you’re damn right I’m going to minimize their time together when I have the legal opportunity to do so. And fuck anyone who says that he’s an equally capable parent, because I am the ONLY real parent. He is not equal to me and does not deserve to be treated as an equal parent.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Amen All of you!

My adult son took me to his lawyer and told her, ‘My Mom needs to get divorced like yesterday…’

…even before MY divorce was final…like a year or more…my kids and grandkids had been subjected to satan’s sub human behavior…regardless of their presence.

These disordered assholes model disordered lifestyles that NO child should be subjected to!!!! I shudder to think what my grandson’s take away from what they have witnessed! I am sure that their opinion of women has drastically changed…and their idea of how to have a ‘good time’. My youngest grandson told me he heard ‘Papa’ lying to ONE of his girlfriend’s (yes…they have seen him with several) about where a gift came from (it was from one of the other girlfriends…). …wow…just WOW!

So…continuing to lie, cheat and GASLIGHT…oh yeah what a great role model!!!!

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

PREACH Free Vixen!!

“And no, it’s not fair for my son to pay the price for his dad’s asshole behavior, but that is on HIM, not on me. He has demonstrated time and time and time again that he’ll put his dick over his child’s best interests.”

^^^THAT….in a nutshell!!!

When he walked out I TRIED everything to get assholio to “work out” options for the house we were renting. He stopped paying rent when he left, even though I was 30 days out from a double mastectomy. I OFFERED to let him have the house because I couldn’t afford it, he didn’t want it. I offered to move out he house…i got crickets. I offered again 2 months later, i got crickets. At the 5 month mark I offered that we sit down with our landlord, remove his name from the lease and my cousin was going to move in and share expenses so son could remain in his school….more crickets. Finally, in July, I told the landlord to serve notice and we were evicted.

Who did he screw?? Our son. Lost living with Dad, lost his home, his friends, his school. But it’s “not his fault”. Whatever dickhead.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Free Vixen, I totally agree. I stayed a long time after DDay because I didn’t trust cheater to take care of my son on visitations. The man was so freaking self-involved I was honestly afraid he’d leave my son somewhere or something even worse. I felt that way because my son told me when he was six-years-old (before the affair started) that my husband and some of his douchebag friends took the kids and went to a World Series game. One night, the douchebags all went down to the hotel bar and left the kids in the room! The oldest child there was 10-years-old. WTF!?!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  lynne

Not to mention the ones who will covertly talk shit about their other parent, plant seeds of doubt, and other crap like that.
Do you really want your child to be influenced 50% (and often, more) by a shitty role model who says that lying, cheating, stealing resources, gaslighting and other psychological mindfucks – is not only OK, but actually encouraged?
Children may be smarter than you given them credit for, but they are still learning about the world and the things in it. To have it coloured by a narcissistic worldview can very, very easily send them down the path of narcissism themselves. And, often can make it worse by them learning cruelty and further refining it through exposure.
So yes, I do think it makes them a bad parent. And I think their parental rights should be completely taken away from them. You can poo-poo around and give disordered people concessions while they happily trample your boundaries – I don’t. And I shut that shit down within a nanosecond.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

And L for your information the serial cheater said horrible things to my chikdren about me for YEARS. This was his poor sausage covert narcissistic abuse. I never knew why his family disliked me until recently. So yes Lania coverts are so underhanded. My biggest fear was my children would abandon me because of his control. And this is a chumps worst nightmare as we know here. So a great big fuck off for adding more insult to that injury. No one here needs your shit sandwich ramblings of the gift you wrapped and tied with a cheater bow of self righteousness.
In addition you forgot all about respect L. You think your children will respect you for WITHHOLDING which is also an abusive behavior.
I also personally knew a chump who took his own life when his wife cheated and moved away with his daughter to live with a man who gave them unlimited use of a fucking credit card. Is this the shit you want to sweep under the rug? X wanted me to lose everything and kill myself over the discard. You want me to smile and pretend it didn’t happen! L if I didn’t know better I might think your comments are more about protecting the cheater not the children.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

I should also mention that AN AFFAIR IS NOT A FUCKING MISTAKE. It is a series of THOUSANDS of choices. They certainly weren’t thinking of their child’s welfare when fucking around, were they? So why the hell should anyone consider their thoughts when a child’s mind and psychological welfare is at stake?
Also, you’re assuming that both parents are acting in the best interests of the child. That would be fine in a regular divorce situation that didn’t involve cheating or abuse – but cheaters DO NOT ACT IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THEIR CHILDREN. Period.
I find it cute you call me ‘disgusting’ though. Maybe you should reframe that view and call cheaters disgusting instead.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Don’t you know? When cheaters do something people don’t like, it’s a “mistake.” When someone who was cheated on does something people don’t like, they’re “disgusting.” I don’t understand why so many people get judgy when chumps are mad, but pat cheaters on the back and say “There there, the meanie drove you to it, didn’t she?”.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Free Vixen

This time I got way ahead of the cheaters narrative. He has a business and it’s a small type of community. All I had to do was tell the sorted truth to a few key people here and there. I had one if his customers tell my daughter I was bitter. His customers are dropping him because he’s not returning calls. And after anyone I know has the unpleasant exoerience of meeting the ugly whore the come to me and say the same thing. What’s wrong with him? And she’s disgusting. No I’m nit bitter, I’m better.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Cheaters make the conscious decision to cheat fully aware of the consequences and risks they are taking. These risks involve their children directly and destroying the comfort and stability of their innocent children. I feel if these cheaters were fully involved in their children’s lives and had any genuine concern for them the last thing on their mind would be creating a relationship with another person other than their wives.
It takes a lot of effort and time to meet and “date” the AP. Time away from their children.
Clearly their children and being a family is the furthest thing from their minds.
The only thing on their mind is themselves.
Family and their children should be their priority.
We know as adults what it feels like to have our lives explode in our faces. imagine as a child having your life shattered.
Personally I think our kids are better off not having these dickheads in their lives. They aren’t role models I would want for any child let alone my own.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Not in my book.
And anyone who pulls that ‘judgemental’ crap on me, I tell them to literally fuck off. I haven’t got time for that garbage.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  lynne

Completely disagree with you, Lynne. When you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your children. When you cheat you pull away from your family, spend time, energy and money on the AP instead of on your children. Even your mental real estate is taken up by an outsider.

Not to mention the way you treat your children’s other parent. That effects them very negatively. They see it all whether they know why or not.

Cheaters think they can compartmentalize their lives and the fact that they are a lying, duplicitous spouse has nothing to do with their children. They are dead wrong. They just lie to themselves like they lie to everyone else so they can stomach being a horrible, selfish parent.

If a cheater thinks they can be a good parent regardless of the fact that they are a shitty spouse (not to mention that they are a lying, self-serving, gutless human being) that just helps explain their narcissism. When you are married with children, you are part of a whole. You don’t get to have a secret, separate life. Sadly, cheaters don’t see it that way. When you make a choice to marry and have children, it is not all about you anymore. And when you behave like it is, your kids pay an awful price that will haunt them all their lives.

L
L
8 years ago

I hope none of you ever make a decision that upsets your kids if you can say all that about others! I’ve been on the receiving end……but even with that I made sure my kids were not affected…..I never sagged off their father whatever he did and they were never told of his wrong doings. ….as I didnt want them to suffer……….the failed relationship was mine and his…..not theirs……you all go on about protecting your kids but you do shit to protect them by making them deal with adult actions and mistakes instead of dealing with them yourselves……YOUR YOUNG KIDS DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING OR HEAR BAD THINGS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM….you damage them if you let this happen

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  L

L
When my daughter was 5 and her sister was three their FATHER was taking them to his whore(s) house(s) to play with their chikdren while they fucked in a bedroom. When my daughter pointed down a street and said that’s where daddy’s girlfriend lives when I was driving by I was furious. HE LIED and said my daughter made it up. As an adult she told me there were a few different ones and she could remember it vividly. The loser blamed PORN use in the computer on his son!
Here we don’t PROTECT cheaters. We protect our children. Lying? Nope. My granddaughter was going to be exposed to a whore with an arrest record who didn’t care that he was married. She witnessed the abandonment as she was with us when he lied to BOTH of us. The whore taunted me saying SHE now had a granddaughter. Fuck that shit. Every famiky member got copies of her arrests which described her assault of an elderly man, breaking and entering, assault of her last boytoy, and a felony charge for drug posession. The times are changing L. I teach my granddaughter that there are classy and trasy women. She knows her grandfather led a double life. She fucking witnessed it! They teach children about ABUSE in schools. Fuck, I saw a parent in a store verbally and physically abusing a child while in a grocery store. It was blatantly obvious and no one said a word. I got on my soap box started yelling at the others I n line and asked why we were all just allowing this! I called the police.
If we model unconditional love fir those who abuse US we are teaching out children abuse is alright. IT IS NOT!!!’
I watched as my mother was abused by my father daily. That is what fucks up children. The silencing of the abused is over. Speak the truth. Be a warrior, not a victim.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Amen, Donna. Like you, I don’t “cover” for Whores, ever. I don’t care who they are. Evil shit always flourishes under the cover of darkness, literal and figurative. Bring that mess out into the light and squash it.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Here HERE DONNA!!!!

YOU TELL IT GIRL!!!!

ROCK ON Chump Nation’s warriors ROCK ON!!!!

Knowledge is POWER and exposure of the TRUTH of the INSIDIOUS soul shattering abuse perpetrated by cowardly, entitled, disordered cluster b’s and just shitty humans will EMPOWER everyone to make better choices in all areas of their lives! Once exposed for what and WHO they really are their choices will become very limited in ALL areas of their lives! Once held accountable for their ACTIONS their words will have to align with them.

Enough of the blaming the abused for the abuse!

I dream of a future where I can TRUST what I am told and what I behold.

Peace on Earth and in the hearts of mankind!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  L

I’ve had enough of this pussy-footing around shit, Lynne/L.
I don’t personally have children – but if I did, I would be telling them that their father had cheated on me, and that is why we are no longer together.
To do otherwise is to lie to their face – if you tell them one pissy reason as a child then change your story later, this is the end result: “Hey *child*, you know how I told you at age 7 that your father and I just weren’t right for each other? I lied. He cheated on me”. I can guaran-fucking-tee they will resent you.
I heard one side of the phone call which destroyed my mum’s life in this fashion – and immediately after the phone call ended, my mum pulled us three kids together and gave us the facts of the situation. That my fuckwitted father wasn’t coming home because he had cheated on her. I was 21 at the time. If I were given a piss-arse excuse at that time, I would have thought that my intelligence was being disrespected.
I’ve already reiterated other things in responses to you, re. wasting resources and so forth.

In response to the “you all go on about protecting your kids but you do shit to protect them by making them deal with adult actions and mistakes instead of dealing with them yourselves……YOUR YOUNG KIDS DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING OR HEAR BAD THINGS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM….you damage them if you let this happen” diatribe shit you blather on about – so, you think that wrapping your child in cotton wool and sticking your head in the sand is going to prepare them for adult decisions further down the track? I don’t think so. Its the same mentality which breeds chumps, and you damn well know it. Open your bloody eyes – this is not a bloody game. We are talking about preparing ourselves against people who would stab us in the back if they could get away with it. And you want to play denial against that? You are deluded.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Sorry, L, but I disagree. Children need to told in an age-appropriate way about what happened, and there are individual differences in the level of detail that they want.

But children deserve (a) one honest parent they know will answer their questions and not lie to them (including lies of omission); and (b) to know that when people break moral boundaries, there are consequences.

I will simply add that I believe this both as a chump, and as someone whose profession includes teaching parenting & child development.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Lying to your kids about what happened is never ok. Kids aren’t dumb. They should not be your confidants, nor should they be kept in the dark about why the divorce occurred. I think everyone here wants the best for their children and we have frequently discussed how to talk to our kids in age appropriate ways. What is appropriate for a teenager is not what one would say to a 7 year old. Kind of like other important topics, like sex, birth control, etc.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

And….I HAVE made bad decisions that have affected my life or my children’s negatively and guess WHAT???? I OWN THAT SHIT!! AND…. I apologized for it. I can admit to my mistakes and wrong doing.

No one is perfect but these assholes sure pretend to be. There is a HUGE difference between a regrettable mistake or choice and consistently and deliberately fucking over your family and not being one bit fucking sorry for the pain you’ve caused. Especially to your children. Me? I’ll get over it… my son…not so much.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

Thank you JAC, I’m SAYIN!!!

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

NCStevie,

I have made bad decisions that affected my life or my children’s negatively and guess what? I OWN THAT SHIT! and I apologized for it.

Words of bloody wisdom on being a person with integrity!

And why the heck is anybody trying to talk sense to L. That ostrich is singing in her own choir in a church nobody else attends.

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago
Reply to  L

I hope that your young children are protected from the adult machinations of their parents but please don’t ask a betrayed spouse to idly stand by while the cheater blithely says Mommy and Daddy split up because one of them was just not enough for the other. Let chumps be able to say in appropriate terminology cheater left his or her partner. (It does not matter if chump kicked the cheater to the curb or cheater left the house first; infidelity is in and of itself leaving a marriage)
I agree slagging off the cheater is not great for the child but burying your head in the sand and not letting your kids know that some behaviours are just bad is wrong. “Don’t tell the kids” inertia just condones infidelity. If Mommy or Daddy strayed even a toddler can be told in simple terms that cheater did something that wasn’t nice and now Mommy and Daddy cannot be together.
But where did you ever get the idea the cheater actually might be a good parent. Somebody who has made a marriage partner have to go through STD testing, paternity testing, misappropriation of marital funds and various other insults isn’t really going to be a stand-up guy or gal in any other venues.
You cheat, you are not a nice person. If you are caught, too bad, everybody should be able to shed light on your sparkling wonderfulness. Cheating in a marriage is not cheating in a game of Rummoli. It’s betraying on a basic level and shows poor character and very poor judgement.
Maybe some of these cheaters are half decent parents.But hiding their indiscretions may leave your children open to further lies on the cheater’s part.

L
L
8 years ago

You dont need to tell young kids who did what…..saying we gave split because we cannot get along anymore is all young ones need…..tell them when they’re older…..so they can decide for themselves…..and my grown up kids for your info are very happy and constantly tell me how easy the split was for them as they never heard bad words or fights or had to listen to hateful words against a parent they loved…..so bollocks it can be done if you put yourself aside

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Don’t have to fight or use bad words. But we weren’t getting along is a sorry excuse even for adult kids. How about daddy or mommy made some bad decisions that will affect the family, mommy and daddy disagree about those decisions so we will get divorced and live apart. How about that at least its not lying to the kids. The cheater did quite enough of that!

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Fine describe it however you like…..the goal is kids not worried scared or affected

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Affected! Of course they are effected! In one way or another!

L
L
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

You have the power to minimise down to practically zero or maximise due to your own pain…..you can keep your kids safe or use them as weapons…..they are powerless to stop you

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Lying to children is never right but telling them to ignore or condone horrendous behavior is setting them up for a not so good life. It depends on the circumstances we do have to be careful with small children but washing over be is not the way. Enough said. I will not lie to my kids I never lie. Obviously you have your way and I mine.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  L

Wrong again, L. You THINK you made sure it didn’t effect your kids. What you are in denial about is when children have two parents (in your case) who are busy chasing outside relationships they are not there for their kids. When you’re sitting on the couch sexting with your schmoopie, you have check out. When you take time away from your family to bang someone else (I assume you’re not a complete reprobate and do it in your home) you are checked out.

It’s not about the sex – it’s about the lies, the stolen time, the self-involvement – and it’s not a MISTAKE. It’s about WHO YOU ARE. Your character.

Your biggest mistake is trying to defend you position on Chump Lady. The men and women here have heard this shit a million times from their own asshole spouses. We don’t suffer fools easily.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago

Not sure where you are coming from but we are NOT talking about “interfering” with an X that simply “left a failed relationship”, there are dignified and honest ways to do that. My X shits all over my son and CHOOSES his own needs and self gratification over being a responsible parent and adult. He basically abandoned our 8 year old son (out of sight, out of mind) and I would sure appreciate some educated input that can help me see how that’s justifiable? And don’t even suggest that it’s due to any interference on my part, I do not keep my son from his dad.

While I don’t practice telling my son the sordid details of the shitty shit x-hole has done I will NOT lie to my son. I will not teach him to LIE and I will NOT sacrifice his trust in me to make his dad “appear” to be better than he is. Kids figure shit out on their own, this includes being lied to by their parents. I tell him that grown ups make mistakes and bad choices sometimes and that grown up problems are for grown ups to deal with.

Maybe your X is a good dad, lucky you….mine is a selfish asshole and a terrible dad. I wish he was a better man and a better dad…for my son.

L
L
8 years ago

Excuse me I didn’t do the cheating…..chump that chump

Itrusthesucks
Itrusthesucks
8 years ago

I agree. He lied, betrayed and deceived the family. There was no thought to being a parent when having the affair partner next door in the hotel while away with our son at a swim meet. There was no thought of being a parent when he lied to our daughter about flying out of the country, but really driving to some fancy resort. There was no thought to parenting his kids when he shacks up with affair partner a week after leaving and asks the counsellor if it’s ok that the kids see her clothes in the closet. I know when he broke the news of his three month affair saying to me, “I feel needed, but not wanted,” he wasn’t thinking about our children. He was thinking about how happy can I make my dick, what’s in it for me, and how fast can I get what I want. No thought process in a narcissistic brain. All about him. I count my blessings and show my gratitude daily for being the same, stable parent.

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago

Totally agree. He emotionally left the family for years. We all felt it. They did not have a father. Heck he was too busy sitting on the couch texting his schmoopie to be engaged in any conversation with us. Now he doesn’t even try to have a relationship with them unless they accept the new girlfriend. If you don’t accept her you are out of his life. Its Fckd Up.

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  chumplisa

Same story for me – X was too special to be involved in day to day life of the family. Between his time given to the OW and his own personally activities, such as playing pick up soccer with the graduate students and trying desperately to pretend he was still young his only family involvement was as a Disneyland dad on vacations. He seemed to think that once a year for a couple days was sufficient to be considered Father of the Year. He neglected his child but it also translated into he walked out the door and abandoned his kid when he left for the final affaire partner. The price for his love to our kid was our child had to accept the OW and our child refused. 3 years later our child has still never met the OW. Her married the OW last summer but didn’t tell our child or invite her to the wedding – not that she would have gone but it seems she should have had the choice. I just don’t get how the affaire partner can be more important to him that his kid and how he so easily threw his kid away. Amazingly he still considers himself to be a candidate for father of the year and naturally all his relationship problems with his daughter are my fault, I have poisoned and brainwashed our child against him.

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Mommy Chump… your story is very similar to mine… the ex left for the final OW, married her and never sees his kids but claims to be father of the year and it is all my fault that he doesn’t have any kind of relationship with his kids… I am apparently “holding something over the kids heads” because he doesn’t bother… go figure…

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Cheaters have proved to the world in the act of cheating that they don’t put their children first otherwise they wouldn’t be cheating.
Shared parenting doesn’t work when you are co-parenting with a cheater.
Cheaters use their children as objects to make themselves look good to outsiders and tools as another means to torment the Chump.
They poison their children minds, create additional stress and heartache as if shattering their world wasn’t enough.
Selfish, vindictive, heatless, people do not make good parents.

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  chumplisa

Totally agree Chumplisa. My ex degraded, discarded, lied, neglected and abused both myself and my children. My kids (who are now grown) have always said they did not have a father in their life when they were growing up. He was way too special to be involved and was too busy chatting up and flirting with the next female he could find as well as doing all his other activities. He would throw us a snippet of his special love every once in a while to keep us going… very kind of him.. NOT!! Then when he ran off with the final OW, I was expected as were the kids to just accept and become best buddies with this woman. Yeah I don’t think so.

Jada
Jada
8 years ago
Reply to  JABT

My kids are over 18, and at first wanted nothing to do with the OW he was cheating with while we were married, but through time and my ex working his deceitful games, my children now are all good with the OW and. Their dads “new setup” They even had said to me that their Dad didn’t hurt them, he did what he did to me, so they have no reason to be mad at him! What?!Am I crazy, but where is the thought that maybe he so screwed our mom over that we are pissed that you did that to her. It’s like no sense of loyalty. I don’t expect my kids to not be around their dad but I also don’t expect them to be all good with the OW while barely even coming to see me! Someone help me with this?!!

David
David
8 years ago
Reply to  JABT

“No way……cheating does not mean you are a bad parent!”

My XW’s cheating:

Deprived our children of their father for half their remaining childhood

Deprived them of their mother for half their remaining childhood

Took probably over 250k from their future via affair expenses, separate affair apartment, secret bank account into which she deposited money that was for our family, and of course legal fees

Walked out on them (literally) to go to her AP as they begged her not to go

Sent them spiraling into ongoing anxiety and depression

Exacerbated their pre-existing neurological and behavioral disorders

And on and on and on…

Simply: Once upon a time they were the happiest children. Then their mother embarked on an affair. Now they are no longer happy.

Nomorebs
Nomorebs
8 years ago

Yes!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Nomorebs

Yes+

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

The assumption that the child goes with mom… It’s great for you, but there’s chumped guys and plenty of crazy narc women who don’t deserve that default scenario. And some judges where I am from in canada recognize that. I don’t think people should take 100% custody for the mom as an assumption, both out of caution, and for those chumped dads -for hope. I have a friend he wasn’t chumped, but she is a meth head who keeps her kid home three days a week because she is lonely. CPS, the police, and her family are working with HiM to make sure he gets custody, because it’s well deserved and best for the kid.

If ex is a good parent, don’t rob your kid of that. There’s lots of chumps who admit that the ex is a douche to grown ups but does well with the kids- if they are crazy, get away I get it. But if they make you crazy but are good parents… Don’t make it about you. Make it about the kids.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Loved getting a reply from you Tracy!! I’m a big fan of your writing. Congratulations on your new book as well!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Jen,
Detaching emotionally was my hardest part of the healing process, but also the most useful. At 1 year & 7 months I felt total indifference, but that came from all kinds of personal growth; continued therapy (not just to talk about it, but to give me valuable insight from another perspective), molding a new life for myself, eliminating any & every trace of my ex that lingered in my life (aside from the necessary custody & communication), I began dating again and fell in love with someone new (it didn’t end up working out and ended at 15 months but it was nice to know that I could love again and that my ex wasn’t the only one living the “good life”), self love & personal growth (focusing in therapy & reading a ton about the childhood issues that helped attract me to this loser in the first place and how to never let that occur again…first step, dump the new boyfriend).

I just eventually got tired of giving my shithead ex so much power. He’s no prize, he shouldn’t be placed on a pedestal for any reason. He’s a loser and I don’t waste my time worrying about what some disordered creep might do and might not do. Once I stopped communicating with him in the hopes of being friends and then out of frustration that he drops the ball on everything, he FINALLY did what I hoped he would do; he hung himself with his own rope. He ignores the custody order and only sees our daughter 1/2 of the time he’s supposed to, which I wanted & knew he wanted too….but he needed to feel like he wouldn’t be called out on his lack of interest in his child from me to make that move. And since I stopped letting him upset me, he felt comfortable to start slipping. Everyone wins; he wants less responsibility/I want more time with our daughter.

I’m rambling….main point. If you have to be angry, use it constructively to benefit yourself. Reframe your situation and let his narcissism work in YOUR favor. You can probably predict his every move by this point and since they’re all so damn similar it wouldn’t be tough to do…I say give him his rope & let him hang himself with it. Don’t try to enforce anything, let the state do that, and once he finds you boring maybe he will find a new target for his torture. Fingers crossed that it’s Schmoopie.

thensome
thensome
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

This is great advice.

I mistakenly believed my ex and I had an outside shot at “co-parenting” and I tried to be reasonable. However, it became very clear this wasn’t possible. My ex denied our daughter access to psychological care, introduced her to his AP in a hot second and was an all round jerk. Much as I had hoped to find common ground it only caused more anguish.

Eventually I learned that the less I responded to him, the more rope I gave him to hang himself. He showed everyone his true colours. He even got a visit from Child Welfare. So yeah, let these losers hang a bit. Stop engaging with them to DO THE RIGHT THING!! They know what the right thing is and they simply don’t care to do it. It falls on us chumps to do the right thing and yeah, it can be a long road.

I email or text and only about our daughter and money. We share custody and it works out quite well most of the time even though I do miss my daughter. I don’t sit with him at concerts or plays if I don’t have to and while I’m civil I never share my personal life or anything of consequence with him – those days are done.

The less is more rule applies to these people. My ex loves the drama and the reaction. It was a steep learning curve to not give him that but it’s a much peaceful place to live.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  thensome

My Asswipe gets pissed if I don’t tell him immediately who calls or visits me including the kids! He checks the cupboards, the booze and the way the gate to the property is shut and demands to know who was here! What an asshole. I deal with him now as little as possible. Soon hope to be moved and on my way to a better less drama life. Best way not to talk to them at all. My cousin is visiting me after new years for a few days he wants to be here to meet her, never met him before. Told him no way she doesn’t want to meet him she’s divorcing the asshole who cheated on her there times same as me. When I have friends or family over he wanders over and acts like nothing is wrong! What a fucking jerk! Can’t wait to go no contact forever!!!

Justine
Justine
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Why is he in your house checking your cupboards or just dtopping by? Sounds like you need to put some boundaries in place.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  Justine

My question exactly. How does he know so much about what is going on in your life? Don’t tell him. If he asks, don’t answer. Don’t open the door. Don’t give him any space. You need to take charge and shut him out.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Playing the yeah sweetheart we are still gonna be great friends game til I get the house sold. He can be very vindictive. He has three months to purchase home court order if not I can sell it. Playing the game so I get what I want and I hate doing it. I have boundaries in place but he does take advantage at times. Courts don’t seem to care about adultery. Few more months and goodbye to the creep forever.

Lothos
Lothos
8 years ago

Like CL said, document/document/document.

I have my X on auto-bill pay. The bank sends her the child support and alimony each month on the same date. My X tried a few times to play the game of “I never received it” and I would send her a print out saying well here you go the bank sent it. Why would a multi billion dollar bank lie over what is considered pennies for them. Magically the check would show up the next day and she would deposit them.

Suggestion, put as may layers between you and them as humanly possible. All communications through text or email (prefer email as its easier to archive). If there is child support or alimony (or both) put something in between like a bank or the state to garnish wages. In my case my X asked the state to garnish my wages and they denied her because I had no history of playing games with it and since I had her on Auto Bill Pay the bank itself was in the middle and can prove the day they mailed my X the check.

When it comes to holidays just do what is best for the kids and leave any anger, hate or revenge out of it. When the kids get older they will love you for it.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Lothos, very good advice. I did something similar when I was on the receiving end of child support. Ex would give our teenage daughter a check to deliver to me. He purposely didn’t put it in a sealed envelope so she could see the amount and so he could make side comments to her about how he hoped that I was giving her that money and not using it for myself, as if it was general spending money and not used to cover her bills. I had to deliver that news to her. At that time, we didn’t have a legal agreement in place but once we did, I asked that he set up auto bill pay. I knew I had to justify this to a-hole so I told him that she shouldn’t be placed in the middle of our situation and be responsible for remembering to get the check from him and give it to me, especially since as a teenager, she had a lot going on and wasn’t always available to play that role at the beginning of the month. Fortunately he agreed and set it up through his bank. Not only was this in her best interest though, it was good for me too because it stopped his triangulation attempts (at least through this avenue).

Interestingly, when she turned 18 and child support ended, she started making a list of things she needs or wants. She typically gives me first choice from the list and whatever I don’t cover, she asks her dad to buy. Although I’m pretty much no contact with him, I did have to see him when we were selling our house and he made the comment on several occasions about how much he’s spent on her. I just nodded but didn’t say anything – all I could think of was ‘welcome to the real world, where your daughter has needs and you have to give to her rather than dumping it all on me.’

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

BBC, my X pulled that shit on me, too. He would hand the child support check to one of our kids so he saw the amount. To a 14-year old, it was a big amount. To me, it barely helped cover the mortgage.

He weirdly opened a personal account at my credit union. It took me about two months to realize it was because the bank mistakenly linked our accounts because of our last names and him not correcting the dimwit teller. He could see what I was spending.

When he attempted to offer my own statement he fraudulently obtained as proof that I was misspending “his” money (It was Christmas time and I bought gifts of wine for relatives), even his own lawyer told him to cut the shit or he would face an even bigger problem with a federal judge for misrepresenting himself to the credit union. I wanted him arrested, but my lawyer advised that in that case, my kids would get nothing. And, I was down to my last penny with lawyer fees.

Now he sends it late, in the mail (even though he could easily do a phone transfer to my account). And, just to fuck with me, misspells my name on the check so it is a hassle when I try to deposit it.

Such an angry, hateful douchebag. My way of celebrating the holidays is to remember that I’m no longer chained to an asshole. That, wrapping gifts by the fire on Christmas Eve with my beagle helper, and a bit of Bailey’s Irish Creme while I await my sons’ return from Clusterfuckdale around 9:00 p.m., makes it merry.

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
8 years ago

I think that lowering your expectations is the biggest factor in all this. Never expect anything from the cheater. Then when they do the right thing it’s a pleasant surprise. If they don’t–well that’s what you expected.

Also, Jen, it’s hard to get to Meh when the jerk is currently messing with you or your kid. You can be there about the marriage, but the new stuff will still make you angry. That’s normal. Doesn’t mean that you’re not getting better.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

I dont coparent. Period. I ensure that there is absolutely nothing that he to manage or follow up with when she is with him. Its extra work for me, driving, homework assignments, and classes but it has preserved my sanity. I dont coparent. I am the parent.
I dont have to engage with him much at all with this approach… Dont have to talk about dentist appts , school projects or schedules. Nada. I tried giving him the opportunity to be a parent and he used her schedule to manipulate. Refusing to take her to doctors appts, not completeing homework and not bringing her to her activities. So I do it. Its not forever and my kid does not have to have a panick attack because she knows she is missing a class or appt. I dont co parent.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Yep, same here…I’m the parent. Period. He pretends to be a dad 4 lousy days each month, kinda.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I don’t co-parent, either. There’s an assumption to coparenting that X would want to cooperate with me to do what’s best for our sons.

Bwhahahaha!

He’s never understood the concept of cooperation, which is why he is always unemployed and will only see his kids when it works for him. And why he’s going to die wondering why his kids could care less.

Unless there’s something in it for himself, he won’t make an effort. At. Anything.

300lbsLighter
300lbsLighter
8 years ago

Argh. I am worried about what it will be like for my kids when they’re with their Dad. He’s lazy beyond belief and will make them look after him. I don’t really know how to prepare them for it or even if I should try.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago

could not care less.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I truly enjoy it when the light bulb goes off and I learn something new. Thanks Clip!!!
My kids have two activities, ones they have had for years, one is on my nights the other happens to fall on nights the kids are with Narkles the Clown. I was taking care of some responsibilities for their actives with doctor sign offs and appointments yesterday and I started to get mad about why I was doing all of this for them and he wasn’t, and you just made me realize that it’s a good thing. I’m taking them to doctors, doing the parent teacher conferences, attending the awards ceremonies, making sure they have their school projects done. I don’t want to leave anything to chance.

New mantra: I DON’T CO-PARENT!

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Excellent advice. I think the whole concept of co-parenting is a recipe for frustration. My kids were older when I divorced ( the youngest was 12), but one thing I immediately did was step away from their relationship with their dad. I knew that their relationship with him was a lifelong one, so I tried to give them the tools they needed to establish their boundaries with him. They aren’t dumb, they know his personality as well as anyone. What I didn’t do was try to somehow insulate them from being disappointed by him. One thing that irks me is when parents try to shield their children from life’s inevitable hard knocks. It sets them up for unhappiness later in life. So I made it clear to them that I was available if they needed me, but that I was no longer the cruise ship director when it came to arrangements with X.

I know I had it easy compared to the horror stories I read here. X was never malicious and he never withheld financial assistance to the kids. Still, I was the one who took the college tours, paid the tuitions, showed up during parents’ weekend by myself. X would be present for the big things, like graduations, award ceremonies, etc., so he could bask in the reflected glory of the kids. I often felt lonely when I was the one moving kids in to the dorms alone, But I knew my kids appreciated my efforts. I have been rewarded for my efforts with a close relationship with them. They view X as an obligation; they view me as a parent and someone they can rely on. That is my reward for my hard work and sacrifice, and it is something X will never have the good fortune to experience. Now that my youngest is headed to college, some of the things that I used to resent having to do alone are the very things that I look forward to. I’ve already reserved the hotel for her August move in! Road trip!!!

Mehphista
Mehphista
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

That gives me hope, Violet, TY.

SATs this year…..Ohm….Ohm….Ohm….
x-Meh

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

I think the current trend of encouraging people to co-parent also needs to be addressed by CN. Its another bias in the legal system that works against us Chumps who married a NP Cheater. I too had to teach my kids about boundaries and how to establish them. You don’t think I worry every time my son goes off to spend time in that cesspool of DSM diagnoses? If messes me up to deal with them I can’t imagine the mind games played on my son. So I try to give him tools. Its not like he has a decent role model to base whats right and wrong.

I remember vividly the month I started to see my STBX differently and began to deal with him differently. He was no longer human. I had to make a huge effort to see him that way and follow through and honestly it caused a lot of anxiety at first to stand up to him. I had to realize he is ill and thats just the way he is. He will not ever function like a normal human being and I can not EVER expect him to. You would think if the kids were involved he would at least try but sadly that was the biggest shock of all… it didn’t matter. He is a fucker to them or when he is nice its to get back at me. My daughter and I have come to accept this (after a lot of tears and anger) but my son still hangs on for what little morsels of love he can earn. My son is now in therapy for anxiety…. go figure.

My anger used to eat me up. I hate them both. I still have days where i want to post their photos on the punching bag at my gym. I picture kicking their ass a few times and then the feeling goes away. I meditate and go to a support group and even found a nice man. But its hard to build a completely new life when yours was ripped from you. There are good and bad days. I have learned to be happy with small things but at least these things are real. Then he pulls some shit. Its like clockwork. Sigh…. I either deal with it (document or contact attorney) or ignore. Its just part of the deal. They lose interest after awhile when you refuse to play.

I also think about how miserable I would be if I were still with him feeling like crap about myself because isn’t that what they do…make you feel like crap about yourself? It was like living in a prison. I escaped and although he tries he has no more power over me.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  chumplisa

Chumplisa–put their photos on a punching bag. What does it hurt, and it might make you feel momentarily better. IMHO, suppressing righteous anger is more damaging than a little bit of catharsis (just don’t punch X himself!).

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Love this Violet. I feel the same. Initially it was a hard slog to be the only parent, the one who did the hard yards, who took the kids to everything but now that my kids are older, I love the fact that I have been there for it all, the celebrations, the graduations, the formals, the firsts – girlfriends/boyfriends/driving/cars. I have an amazing relationship with my kids and that is something my ex will never had. I am the lucky one… he missed out on it all.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Same here, TheClip,
I do not consider what my ex and I do “co-parenting”, because it isn’t. I’m a full time single mother and he is the Saturday fun & games guy. He is in charge of nothing parental; no doctors, no dentists, no driving to or picking up from preschool, no providing necessities…I manage all of that and he doesn’t seem to mind. The responsibility is what he ran away from anyhow, so instead of pleading with him to be involved in her life like I did in the early days, I just let him be exactly what he wants – a minimal doiche who gets to call himself a Dad and likely tells his family & girlfriend that the reason he sees our daughter so little is because I keep her from him. And you know what? That’s just fine with me…he can spin it any way he wants so long as I get more time with my princess.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

When my son was younger, this was my approach as well. Son was with me nearly 100% anyway…. ex would just pick him up for dinner a couple times per week, maybe they would see a movie or do something similar. Despite the fact that ex lived less than a mile away for two years after our separation, I handled all parenting obligations myself. Ex is simply too disordered, unreliable and manipulative to count on for anything (except trouble) and it was better for me and for my son that I basically counted ex out of the parenting picture.

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

My kids have been with nearly 100% except when the ex decides he had better put on his father face.. It has got less and less over the years to the point it has been about 4 hours this year. When he first ran off, I tried to do the right thing, tried to organise him to see the kids. I got abused anyway no matter how obliging I was both from her and him. A couple of years ago, I just stopped. Stopped all contact, stopped trying to make him a father, stopped trying to control his anger or prevent it, stopped trying to control anything to do with the situation. I offered him multiple times every second weekend or similar (because he is a shift worker), he was just never interested so I just stopped. It is not my responsibility to encourage his relationship with his own children, that is on him. I live my life with my kids. I still receive random text messages from the now OWife where apparently it is my fault that he is a crap father and I must be doing something because he isn’t stepping up to be a father. Not my problem, not my issue. I leave it totally up to the kids if they want their dad in their lives. My son chooses not to and hasn’t spoken or seen his father for 2 years, my daughter hasn’t seen her father since May which is totally her choice. I do not influence this decision either way. She is welcome to see him but I totally support her decision not to. It has nothing whatsoever to do with me and my life.

Once you step back from the triangulation and the crazy, the anger just disappears. I do not take it on.

chumplisa
chumplisa
8 years ago
Reply to  JABT

Yeah I get that one too. He makes no time for the kids but its somehow my fault his relationship with them is limited because I have “poisoned the kids with my kool aid.” His family and Switzerland friends and the OWhore have brought into that one. He also fails to take into account he is a narcissist and not that much fun to be with anyway.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  chumplisa

Mine pulled that “I am angry because Tempest poisoned DD14 against me” to his brother & sister in law. What he didn’t know was that I had seen sister-in-law just a month before with DD14, and DD herself was quite clear she didn’t want to see cheater-dad. I also predicted to sister-in-law that X would blame me for DD’s cold shoulder (so s-i-l had so suppress a grin when X said that).

Heaven forfend they should admit responsibility for their children not liking them.

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  chumplisa

That is so similar to me… apparently “I am holding something over the kids heads” because he is a crap dad and when he decides to play father once every 6 months, they don’t want anything to do with him…. I too have the Switzerland friends and his family who believe his BS. I also got told by the OW how I should be ashamed of myself by “making my kids a pawn in my childish games”. And that I need to move on… I find that really interesting because his name never even comes up in our house. 99% of the time now, I don’t even give him a second thought but apparently, I “need to move on” because he is the all encompassing specialness…

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Wow, I dn’t know my ex had all these other former spouses, LOL. ITA with the above – let the state handle wage garnishment (expect anger when you first implement it, but ignoreignoreignore.), and then handle all the logistics yourself. Cheater#1 is notoriously unreliable and I make all the arrangements for healthcare, school, activities, etc. It makes it easier on many levels: I know the kid is where he needs to be when. I don’t have to wait for “approval” to schedule or sign up Jr. for something. It gets the (*&^^ done, FGS!

The only downside is I generally do not go back and “bill” C#1 for expenses. If it’s a big one, like half the cost for braces, yeah, I do tell him his half, but I let him pay the provider directly so I don’t get the “I give all this money to your muuutttthhhheerrr” BS. But if it’s something like an after school class or Boy Scout dues or something $100 or less (my line) I just don’t bother. Totally not worth the trouble.

On another note: Cheater #1 has also been in and out of Jr.’s life, depending on whether he had a, ahem, love interest or not. He has disappeared for months at a time and currently, hasn’t had an over night with Jr. in over *three* years. He sees him for a few hours between school and Boy Scouts on Thursday nights — and this only started in September at the beginning of the school year. Now? C#1 is upset because Jr. didn’t call him or want to visit him for Thanksgiving, is showing no interest in seeing him over Christmas break, etc. I haven’t said anything outloud, but cha know whut, dumb ass? You are reaping what you sowed for the last 13 years. Shut up and put up.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Hey TBJ, been wondering how you are, hadn’t seen you much. Hope you are well….

X-hole is the exact same! He doesn’t even bother with any weekly visitation, not even one night or one hour. If he SAYS he wantsbto get him one night a week (which he has said several times) he never follows through. Just every other weekend and it’s the exact SAME production…. spends money that he doesn’t pay for child support doing fun and expensive activities. If the kids have SO much fun on their weekend visits they look forward to going and they also forget his absence and lack of involvement the other 26 days of the month. Yeah…you’re such a “fun” guy. Dick.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Lol, “doiche” ?

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago

Jen, the reason he is so angry and mean to you is that he knows you know what a prick he is. He can go out in the world and let everyone revel in his awesomeness and his personality disorder loves that! He can fool almost anyone but he can’t fool you. It makes him feel bad about himself to engage with you because he has to face the reality of what an asshole he is when you reflect his image back at him. Therefore he must blame and take it out on you.

If you really look at it, you have tremendous power over him. Use that power wisely because of your child, but if you can slip it in judiciously, let him feel the disdain you have for him.

He’ll never be kind to you so stop looking for it. I know it seems unfair because he caused all of this destruction but he’ll never blame himself. He blames you. You were the cause of his affair, you made him look bad to others because of his cheating (which, remember, was YOUR fault), blah, blah, fricking blah.

That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. The only way for you to not be his victim anymore is to know, I mean really KNOW, that he is subhuman and you are far to good for him. Then it won’t matter to you how he treats you. You’ll just expect it and it will only be a tiny annoyance like a mosquito buzzing in your ear. Be mighty.

Calla2015
Calla2015
8 years ago

This is so true. It’s part of the psychology of infidelity. Everyone wants to be the hero of their own narrative, and cheaters have to make us look like the bad guy so they can still be their own hero. Ergo, they treat us even worse than they did when they were cheating because we know exactly who they are – the bad guy.

This article explains it better than I can: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/p/infidelity2.htm

AussieChump2
AussieChump2
8 years ago
Reply to  Calla2015

I read the article and was amazed how it resonated so much with my own situation.
Thanks for the reference.

oaktree
oaktree
8 years ago
Reply to  Calla2015

Calla2015, thank you so much for that! That article is excellent, and really helped me out today! I think I may be reading it on a regular basis for a while, actually… Thanks again.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Calla2015

Calla2015 – that article nails it. It’s so shocking that someone can be so far from the truth, but we chumps need to learn to expect it then it doesn’t hurt as much. Thanks for the link!

Calla2015
Calla2015
8 years ago

I’m glad you like it. I’ve read it many times. It helps when you start questioning yourself and asking, was I really that bad? Did I drive him to it? Obviously not. The cheater cheated because there’s something wrong with him/her. As chump lady has reiterated many times.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago

Good article Calla. I wholeheartedly agree with the last three sections (and have seen it play out in my case), but I had to laugh where the author wrote:

“Normally a spouse who FALLS PREY TO AN AFFAIR is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.”

I don’t think one of us here can say our spouse “fell into an affair.” Seems most of our cheaters were of the serial variety and showed dogged determination in seeking their side pieces.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

I don’t think a “decent” person would have an affair.
Guilt? how do you feel guilt when you do nothing wrong? Guilt is not what my X is feeling when he’s angry and lashing out at me, making up absurd stories about me
to excuse himself and gain sympathy.
I call his anger and lashing out resentment because he’s required to pay support.
Support is inconvenience he’s not happy with.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Totally agree, Brit. Ain’t no guilt experienced by most of our cheaters.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Whoops! I fell into a vagina!

Darn it! That penis was right where I was doing squats!

What a coinkeydink! My skank happened to be in the same bed at the same fleabag, hep C motel I mistakenly walked in to to get a nap!

I don’t know how her emails and texts got on my computer or phone. It has to be Verizon’s fault!

donna
donna
8 years ago

Haha! Too accidental!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

More like PLANNED, LIED, and enjoyed a double life.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

I notice that line too movin_on. No one falls prey to an affair….what like a gazelle to a lion? Too bad that was in there because the rest of the article was pretty good.

Calla2015
Calla2015
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

That’s true. They fall to prey to their own character. Which is why they have little, if any, insight into their own actions.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  Calla2015

HA! Fall prey to their own character – now THAT is something I can totally get behind. Good call, Calla.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

When my ex would use the passive “it just happened” excuse I would say “what, were you just walking along one day and you slipped and your penis fell into her vagina? Is that how it ” just happened?”

yo
yo
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

“FELL into an affair” lol ! Some people excell at manufacturing excuses. Like you slipped and fell into some shady behavior. Hahaha

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

I can’t speak about parenting. Fortunately I didn’t have children with my ex-tard. However, getting acquainted with an old hobby has really helped. For me that’s mountain biking. It’s taken my mind off of her. And since I’m only 9 months out I’ve given myself permission to take this time for myself. Sure I still think about it but it’s less and less of a burden. Plus I really look forward to weekends when I can ride and spend much of my time preparing for it and it’s a great distraction. I’m not looking to date yet so it gives me something to do that’s fun.

Not sure if most of you who are co-parenting have the time for but getting into something else really helps. I find that I’m the type that needs to be invested in something otherwise I feel like I’m twirling my thumbs. If it’s not one thing than it’s another. Might as well be something healthy mentally and physically.

So what have you been wanting to get into but couldn’t may be until now?

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

I too do NOT co-parent. Communication was email only but ex was pretty disengaged and done with being any kind of parent when he left. I ignore ALL the crap and just do not respond. My kids know exactly what my boundaries are, and why I do not play the “happily Uncoupled” game. No BS, right!?!. Aside from dissipating assets for two years, and fucking me and his racquetball partner for two years, ah, true love! My ex took off with all our savings, the college funds, and then refused to pay our kids’ college costs. (He did however leave me with all the stuff we had acquired over twenty eight years together.) I guess children’s expenses get in the way of all those new vacations and the high cost of courting skank. We had a junior in college, one entering, and one due to graduate HS in another year. Sane parents do follow through on their promises. Two of our three graduated college although my son still struggles with the fallout. He feels his dad abandoned him. First year of college ex paid $350/$15,000 and told me “He’s your son, you figure it out,” when I asked him what his intentions were. Fucking LOSER. Ex walked out on our mortgage too, one he could easily afford, but he did expect half the payout-UH, NO-which the foreclosing bank negotiated kindly with me for so I was able to move. I was paying all the other household expenses at the time and cancelling those I couldn’t pay. Then Mr. Disordered two years after abandoning the marital home vandalized my home stripping it of fixtures cause that’s what peace officers do when they fuck over their families so I called the local cops on him. Why would ANY sane person want ANY kind of relationship with THAT!?!? Model boundaries, Chumps.
The best thing I did right away, and I was pissed for THREE years! was focus on ME and my babies. We got into all kinds of new activities. Swimming, walking, art. My kids and I travel. Spent Christmas in DC and New York. We eat good food out and cook wonderful dinners together. We go to the beach. We plan vacations that celebrate family, even spending time with kooky relatives. My next resolution is to take dance lessons so I can spend time doing what I once loved. Michael, I love that you are very intentionally moving forward and taking care of yourself. I too like that you chose an activity that gets you outside and can be done alone or with others. I picture you pedaling down sunny country roads….

Michael.
Michael.
8 years ago
Reply to  Drew

My tard pulled the same crap. Just checked out one day without looking back. Moved out and left all the crap she didn’t want for me to throw out. Your ex sounds super disordered, entitled and selfish. To diss his own children like that tells you what kind of scumbag he really is, not to mention dissing you.

Thanks for the thumbs up! I’m pedaling into the sunset!

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Stbx hated my dogs. I adopted another not long after moving out. Because I wanted to and I wanted to get the dog out of a bad situation. New Dog is a great fit with the ones I already have.

I doubt stbx has heard about New Dog, but if he has, it just adds an exclamation point to the fact I’m gone for good. If the divorce filing wasn’t enough.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

I can’t really add any advice. CL seems to have covered it. I love my child more than any other human being that has ever lived. So I am able to ignore ex’s shit for her sake.

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago

Jen, here is a countdown clock, I put in a guess year for when your child turns 18. It will give you hope that everyday you get closer to when you won’t have any reason to have anything to do with your X. 🙂

Mock one I did to show you:

http://itsalmo.st/#mehtuesday_th47c

Link for you to do it:

http://itsalmo.st/#

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

Mine are grown up but they have many of his traits especially the boy. I will not put up with drama or bs from either one. While dad was a good provider and somewhat caring he was and is emotionally unavailable to anyone including our two kids. I was the opposite. Maybe at times I was too much to make up for his lack of interest but my kids love me for it, they knew I would listen to them and I was always available. Now since he has pretty much ignored them the past three years too busy with the hos family my daughter is giving it back to him in spades. Ignores him! Haha! Karma dance bus. Instead of trying to understand how she feels, now he’s mad and ignores her more. Affair not doing well st tthe moment. Entitled bastard when she needed him he ignored her for years. But now she does it to him. How dare she? Im her father she better do as I say forgetting who taught her to be this way. She has changed a lot, more open and compassionate and now she listens more. Huge hope for her hopefully with more of my influence. The boy he can’t wait to move in with dad so they can go bitch hunting together! He only calls to kiss dads ass for money, boy has a long way to go. Shudder! Dad is a shithead who thinks hes gonna teach the almost 30 year old how to be an unstsnding promise keeping, take care if your business and be rightous man. Where the fuck was he when the boy was young. I will keep trying with him, all I can do is try.

yo
yo
8 years ago

GREAT ADVICE! What would you do if the asshole undermines your parenting? By that I mean letting the kids stay up late and not do homework, giving them unsupervised internet access, being the “friend” instead of the parent, badmouthing the “uncool” parent and buying them expensive gifts you cant afford for no particular reason. This has happened to my brother! His ex even bought the 7 and 12 year old their own thongs so they could be like mommy! He threw those in the trash! Later she went on an aggressive slander campaign that nearly did him in. I want to beat her down.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  yo

The Disney parent is what I call those folks; can’t pay child support on time, but can buy the kids a motor bike, or something equally inappropriate. Set house rules early, enforce them, and make it clear to your kids that homework is their obligation. Yeah, I know it’s difficult when they are young, BUT it is their homework! Do not allow them to use her bad behavior as an excuse for their failure to meet their obligations. Even at a young age, kids have agency and should be expected to act responsibly. Too often, parents (divorced and not) look for reasons to excuse their children’s conduct. I had a saying with my kids, “In trouble at school, in trouble at home.” In the few times I had to intercede in a situation, my complaints were taken seriously because it was well known what I expected of my kids. I never permitted my kids to gloss over their own bad behavior by pointing to the bad behavior of others, including their dad.

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Disney parent, I love that! 😀

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Just as a general comment, the anger may be a symptom of PTSD. I’m pretty sure mine is.

I am meh in regard to ex, except one issue. I just can’t even think of it without feeling complete rage. It’s beyond just anger. Anyway, apparently a favorite topic of conversation between ex and the whore was how LAZY I am. That burns my ass up. I’m not lazy, I was working a full time job and taking complete responsibility for a preschool child when I wasn’t at work. They are the lazy ones. Both are half ass excuses for parents. And half ass employees who fuck around on company time, to boot. Anyway, I don’t know how to get beyond this one issue, or if I ever will. I’m not even sure why it pisses me off so much, even more than the cheating.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Anita

The best answer to their narrative is to live better. It made me angry he had to use lies to get a slunT to shack up with him. And don’t ya know she is as toxic as he is and let her abuse me In public. I laugh because I know it’s untrue.
For example, he had to support me.
I live better supporting myself, son and granddaughter.
She doesn’t pay the bills.
My debt has dwindled to 1500 in a year and a half while supporting myself.
She’s a bitch who gave me no attention.
My children don’t respect him and make up lies so they don’t have to be near the narc and whore.
I cheated because of her.
She didn’t interrupt his cheating. He’s still cheating and hooking up with other victims complaining about her.

I found that letting go of the “cheater logic” lessened my anger. They lie. I chose to live better and let the half brained whore who has no clue wonder how it is that I am surviving and living nicely without him. All she has to do is think about how deceitful he was with me and know he’s doing the same exact thing with her. Complaining to his other, other woman about her gambling, talking to men at the bar while he’s with her, her foofoo dog with bows and new granddaughter. He wants out. I’m laughing. Anger serves a purpose. However the grass is much greener from my seat.

Virago
Virago
8 years ago