How Do I Open Up Again Emotionally After Being Cheated On?
He’s wondering how he can open up emotionally again after being cheated on. He’s divorced, dating, and very wary.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
My ex-wife went through a midlife crisis about three years ago.
Started with girl’s nights out and ended up with an affair. I caught the affair fairly quickly and filed for divorce ASAP. We were together 15 years and have two young kids.
The hardest part of the infidelity for me was the betrayal of my best friend and partner. For a long time I felt like something was wrong with me in that I picked someone who could do such a thing to me and our kids.
I got most of what I wanted out of the divorce (custody/financial) and at this point, I’m getting close to “meh” about my ex-wife.
I don’t regret the divorce — I’ve met a lot of great women who offer a lot more than my ex. I’m just nervous/scared/anxious about opening myself up again emotionally. The pain from the cheating was immense.
I just don’t know how to let someone else in again.
(And yes, I’ve been in therapy).
I’ve been dating for the past year or so. About 6 months ago, I started dating a woman who is everything the ex isn’t — honest, stable, thoughtful and mature. Things are progressing well and she is someone who I could potentially see a long-term future with.
Now here’s my question for Chump Nation:
How do you let yourself open up again after being cheated on?
I’ve done my Amazon homework on recovering from infidelity, but I’d like to hear from some of you on how you did it — not just platitudes from a book or article.
Keep up the good work,
Walt
***
Dear Walt,
Gee, I was just going to dust off my hard-bound copy of Moving On Platitudes. You mean I can’t say “you’ll find someone when you least expect it!” or “It’s always darkest before the dawn” or “A smile is just a frown turned upside down”?
Drat.
Oh well. Walt, here is what I predict — you will open up, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially, cosmically — because that is who you are.
Your cheating ex did not change who you are.
Your core being is still there, being Walt, every day.
Yes, her betrayal shook you and nearly destroyed you. Except that, it didn’t destroy you. There you are, getting up each day, going to work, being a good dad, and investing in a new relationship. Walt, you are opening up! You’re doing that thing that you didn’t think you could do!
You’re not curled up in a fetal position on the sofa. Or living in a bunker playing World of Warcraft. Or saying all women suck and you’ll never move on. No! You’re a guy writing to me, saying hey, I’m meh about my ex and I met someone I can consider a future with. Walt — you are a success!
The problem is that you don’t trust that you are.
Like a lot of chumps, you wonder (as we all do) what was wrong with you to make your ex cheat.
NOTHING. You didn’t make her cheat. We don’t have superpowers to make people behave unethically. Your ex didn’t have the guts to end the relationship honestly. Or commit herself to the relationship and work on it. Her choice to cheat is no reflection on you, and your worthiness. But it is a reflection of her crappy character. You’re still internalizing that.
Here’s something I think you’ve learned from infidelity — discernment. You’ve got the wisdom to realize this new person has values in line with yours. She is “honest, stable, thoughtful and mature.” (She’s probably better looking than your ex and hotter in bed too by virtue of not being a FW.) You just traded way up. Keep trusting your senses, Walt. Keep noticing when your new girlfriend’s character, how her words match her actions. Trust how you feel around her.
That’s how you’ll know if you’ve healed. When you attract a fellow giver and you begin to think, yeah, this is nice. This is reciprocal. I deserve this. This is so much different than what I had before.
Don’t accept lopsided relationships.
There’s no intimacy without vulnerability. But you can pay attention to character and enforce your own boundaries if things go pear shaped.
You know what it is to be devalued, to be gaslighted, to realize that words are not matching deeds. You know all this because you were married to it. And now you’re out.
So you have a whole new kind of litmus test for New Lady. Does she value you? Is she honest about the little things? Does she do the things she says she’s going to do? Is she reciprocal? Does it give her honest to God pleasure to do for you? Does she delight in making you happy? Can she cope? Does she shoulder her burdens in life and work hard? Can she apologize when she’s wrong?
Look for these things. These are green lights that you can be open with this person. When you start healing from a cheater, it’s important to realize that not everyone is a disordered FW. There are good people out there — learn to recognize them.
You asked for others’ experiences? Here’s mine:
How I knew Mr. CL was a good one.
When I was dating my now husband, Mr. CL, it was clear very early on that he was different. I hadn’t dated anyone before that I felt so comfortable and secure with. He did the things he said he was going to do. His attention was direct and honest. He pursued me — and not in a sparkly, narcissist, sweep you off your feet way. (But I do like to say that he sweet talked me all the way to Texas, because he did.) It just built, slowly, from a friendship into something more.
I like to think of falling in love as a game of catch. When he threw the ball at me, I always picked it up and threw it back. And then he picked it up and threw it back immediately, and further the next time. But he always threw the ball back. He didn’t hide the ball. Or pretend I hadn’t thrown a ball at him. Or pretend that he hadn’t thrown a ball at me. It was an honest game of catch.
And then I caught him. Or he caught me. Hard to say which it was. Because it felt so mutual.
Love is risk. Love makes us vulnerable.
I don’t worry that my husband will cheat on me (he’s a former chump too). However, I do worry, in a way I never worried before, what I would do without him now that my life is so interwoven with his. This is a new sort of fear and vulnerability.
You don’t get to love somebody and not have fear. But if I didn’t accept that fear, I wouldn’t have this good person in my life. That’s the price of admission. If the worst were to happen — I lost him — to death or betrayal, I know that am I a strong person. That’s another gift from infidelity. I’m forged steel. You are too. I would reinvent yet again. Because that’s who I am. And that’s who you are too.
This is an updated post, but learning to trust again is always perennial.
Tracy, thank you for this. It was one year ago today I caught hasbeend in his affair.
I have come so far in one year. Learned so much. ESP that I am stronger and more kick-ass than I ever knew. Still in divorce process, but hopefully that will be finalized soon.
I just had a conversation with my sister yesterday that she has noticed that I appear to have a coat of armor on when I meet people because of what has happened (cheated on). She told me this is a shame because I have such a sunny, bright, fun personality that the coat of has happened keeps the spotlight of who I am hidden away. She is right. You are right. At some point, I have to be open to dating again. Not quite there yet.. Have to smooth out the divorce process wrinkles and become more settled. At some point, I have to be done with telling my story of being cheated on and let it go so people can get to know the real me, by letting my personality, my character, my strength–myself take front and center. Be ready to open up, be vulnerable, and be me. Take a risk in life and love.
Walt, you are an incredible person and wish you all the best. Thank you for writing in as all of us chumps are afraid to open up again. Good for you that you found a great lady to share your life with. Take that risk and be vulnerable. She is worth the risk. Good luck Walt!
I can’t prevent someone from cheating on me. I’ll just be as lovable as I know how to be. And choose better next time.
I now know that if someone cheats on me again, I will be ok. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I think I’ll know the signs. And I know I will be ok.
For me, the love of another man will be icing. And I am the cake.
Walt, I agree with CL–you got this one. Be your best, and if that woman plays her cards right, the two of you will be very happy.
Love that “The love of another man will be icicng. And I am the cake.
How do you know to answer just the question I have been mulling and mulling? Your answer to Walt is a relief to me. Thank you.
I think deep down we all wonder if we’ll ever be able to really love again in that beautiful no-holds barred kind of way. We’ve been hurt so deeply and it is scary to think about opening up to that sort of hurt again.
I love this site because it talks about these issues openly and with such honesty. Thanks CL: 🙂
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Nord the no holds barred kind ogf love is utopian .it doesn’t and shouldn’t exist.
When we chumps talk about no holds barred love its unconditional love where we loved the man, irrespective,
We ignored the abuse, the inattentiveness, the insults, the rages, the absences , and even the cheating when we tried the big R.
Its the cheaters that want us to love them unconditionally in a no holds barred kind of love.
I too wanted to love completely wholly fully and that is what made me ignore all the red flags, his deceit, his inconsistencies, his absences, how he shammed a separation, how he hid a wife, how he hid all the fuck buddies and all the whores.
So what chumpdom taught me is that love is conditional, love is not blind and I never ever want a no holds barred type of love.
The opposite of that is not a love that is non trusting or always on alert kind of love but a love that is alert to all the red flags that are sighted as soon as they pop up and not when they practically become a coffin like sheath .
Lovely answer, CL, really, really lovely.
We all have it in us to be great partners. Nah, we’re not perfect and probably at times downright irritating. But then, so are most people. What we aren’t are liars and cheaters and people who have it in us to hurt someone deeply. We’re the type to do anything to NOT do that, even when we’re hurting ourselves.
Walt, take it slowly and tell your nice lady that you need to do that. She’ll understand as long as you stay honest, steady and true. And if it goes further? The honesty of saying what you need will help forge a deeper and more true bond, one you can both trust in.
As usual, CL gives a GREAT answer.
I think that what happens here is that there is some nostalgia sometimes in us for that earlier, innocent, gah-gah young love. That feeling that everything is wonderful. The sparkly narcs can give you that feeling. But it’s temporary and not real. It’s like a roller coaster ride: up and down, agony and ecstasy, nerves and emotion. Frankly, it gets old. Spackle and sparkles are just that, very insubstantial stuff.
After the crash with the iceberg, you learn much better how to navigate. You put on some armor. You stick up for yourself. Sure, at first, you are in defense mode, and you should be, by Golly! You are a chump, and niceness is your thing, but it’s also your weakness. So, one should go with care. And one should accept the fact that life has risks. There is no guarantee, except, as CL says, the knowledge that you will survive, no matter what.
Then the opening up process takes its own course. Walt sounds like he’s on course, as CL says. His caution is there, but he’s not closing doors. He’s examining carefully. He doesn’t describe his new possibility as a princess, as perfect, but as steady, solid, giving, trustworthy. All this is good. It shows that people can learn. I also think that, in the long run, a site like this one can help pass on those lessons. I think part of what got people caught was the sparkle of that slightly edgy, maybe even dangerous seeming but terribly exciting relationship that really proved to be a dingy dungeon of one-way giving (particularly after marriage). Beware of sparkles and ask questions. Look for the signs. And take your time. There is no rush to get hitched again. And know that, no matter what, you have what it takes to survive. All that is new stuff that’s good, that’s in your favor, that’s nothing to worry about. This is the armor and ballast and good navigational sense that will get you around the icebergs!
Another great comment from CL. CL, you are on a roll lately. You are the Shakespeare of blunt trauma reality-therapy, and it’s great to read your stuff and the thoughtful comments it provokes. I think of you as a combination of Dear Abby and Marine Corps Drill Instructor. You call ’em as you see ’em, and you call ’em really well.
Walt, no worries. All you are doing is describing a stage on the journey to greater strength and greater discernment. That’s pretty much what life is anyway!
Chump Son’s two cents.
Great, uplifting response, CL!
And you sound like you’re doing good to me, Walt. I hope to be having your problems in a year 🙂 I just went on my first date a couple weeks ago.
Many years ago, when I was 19, I had a child, I was not married, and he cheated within a year. Over.
I swore I would never ever ever have another child, even though my world revolved around my daughter, unless I found a really Good, Mature man, was financially secure, and married. 8 years later I married the man of my dreams, that I had known for years, who was a long time friend first, who loved, nurtured and cherished me.
We got married, we had a child, he died a year later.
I think, no I know (!) that I fell into destructive relationships from that point on.
This latest one is surely proof that I was easy to fool because of what I wanted to see in someone, and he was happy to show me a lie till I stopped giving – giving-giving because I couldn’t keep up the charade. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m older, or more willing to look at my behaviors, but this has been THE most pain that is ongoing and relenting and baffling because I am going through this with my eyes wide open. But that does not mean that I don’t believe there are people worth loving and trusting out there!
i say to you Walt, you are doing the right thing by being cautious, just tell her what’s in your heart and I’m sure she will respect and love you even more for it. And we will all dance (figuratively of course!) at your wedding! 🙂
Toni, I’m so sorry your beloved husband died. A loss like that can make you wobbly and vulnerable to bad sorts. Eyes wide open now is definitely the way to be!
I’m not there yet, still wading through the throngs of reconciliation vs. divorce, but you wanted to hear from people in your position on how they did it. So I will offer no advice and simply return to this post in 12 months and read the advice from those who have, like Chump Lady, fallen deeply, and openly, in love again. (Either that or I’ll be a card-carrying member of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex piping out platitudes on how to trust again.)
Chump Lady for Time Person of the Year?
Thanks HM — that’s very kind of you. I can’t let you swell my head though. 🙂 I’ve got the HuffPo trolls to ground me.
Been through it twice. Rebounded okay the first time. Second time killed something within me. I am happy. Have a great GF. Still, I am just too damaged now to be normal.
This shit is really damaging, scarring.
Hope your mileage is different. I am happy. I have a good life etc. But, just really damaged in the intimacy realm. Not much I can do about it. It is what it is.
Unfortunately Arnold, I’m with you. I wish I was the same person I was before the whole clusterfuck that was my life with my abuser. That I had the same energy and joy, but I just don’t. I hate that it makes me feel like my ex won.. that he abused me to the point of changing me, which is what he set out to do in the first place. I am damaged goods. I hope not to the point that I will always be alone, but if that’s the way it is, so be it.
My life is good, but I have a hard time even letting friends close.
If you lose yourself ~ the best part of yourself ~ to this. Then the terrorists win. Because in the end you prove the abuser’s self-centered, narcissistic fantasy to be true: it was really all about him/her.
Don’t do that. Never give that person the satisfaction of being (or even thinking) that (s)he had the power to ruin your life. Heal and move on. Put the harm and the abuser in their rightful place.
Then you won’t care if they ever regret losing you. It really won’t matter.
Well said!
CL, I read your response a second and third time (and recommend that Arnold read your response daily for 30 days!) and got more out of it each time. I love your list of green flags. That list of nine things could easily be turned into a book. On a sour note, my current WS demonstrates only 1 out of the 9: she does the things she says she is going to do, but unfortunately she doesn’t say much and she does things she doesn’t say she is going to do.
But what I love most is the playing-catch metaphor. That sounds so appealing. I wonder what it would be like to have a relationship like that.
Currently, after throwing the ball, if I don’t run over and catch the ball I threw, it will hit her in the head and she will storm off in anger. So I run and catch the same ball I threw, then walk back and throw it again. She would probably say I am throwing the wrong type of ball, or not throwing it correctly, and simply say she is too tired to play catch.
BF, I played that awful game too when I was in “R.” (Mine was false.) I didn’t throw the ball right. Now is not a good time to throw balls. He WOULD’VE caught the ball but I was just too angry for him to catch it. You get the idea.
There are real ball players out there. And the contrast is absolutely wonderful and astounding and you wonder why you ever spent a minute playing Crazy Ball.
Oh Walt,
“she does the things she says she is going to do, but unfortunately she doesn’t say much and she does things she doesn’t say she is going to”
Just priceless!
Walt, I’m only at the stage where I’m going to meetups to connect with people, make some friends but I do have issues in the same area. My ex was abusive (not just cheating abusive), I went through a lot of therapy for PTSD, I’ve had to come to terms with self blame for living with an abuser for so long and not recognizing it as well. The fear of being vulnerable is well founded. I realize now that although I had revealed my deepest emotional self to my ex, my worst moments and some of the best; he had not. I really didn’t know as much about him as I should have. To be simple about it, he knew how to hurt me, he knew me very well but he didn’t share himself the same way. This is maybe what CL means with the ball throwing metaphor. Anyway, when I’m afraid to open up to someone I ask myself, have they opened up to me.
No platitudes intended but if you have not read it, the single book that helped me more than anything is “Gift of Fear”. It allowed me to reclaim my intuition, my inner self. Now that I trust it again, listen to it again, I’m finding it much easier to be open with people (IRL, not just online). When you trust yourself being open is not as hard.
Alright wuf… seems we have a bit in common. My abuser was more than just a cheater as well, and there’s PTSD et al., involved. I have read the book you mentioned, but I still just can’t get past this. I am assuming it will just take more time, but hearing you speak about self trust helps…
Thanks
Tamara, I didn’t get past the PTSD with that book alone, I spent almost a year doing EMDR therapy to work through my memories. And honestly, I am not completely past the PTSD either. I am about to go to court to try and renew my protective order and it’s stirred shit up so I’m now back with the EMDR therapist for a few sessions. Google EMDR and find a certified therapist – really saved me.
Me too re the abuse. It was horrific. I think it damaged me more than the cheating and gaslighting. I had no clue about personality disorders before this. The infidelity was a blessing. Got me out.
I am trying to overcome this. Living in the community where all know I was cuckolded is embarrasing and somewhat humiliating.
I will move, soon, when I retire and leave this behind me. Hopefully, my kids will visit and my GF will be with me.
Arnold, I find that interesting, I dealt with so much abuse and crap and stayed and it really was the infidelity that made me open my eyes and get out, so as you say – a blessing. In my opinion, anyone who thinks poorly of you because of the abuse or the cheating doesn’t deserve your respect and is not important enough for you to care about, kick those people to the curb. Please do not be embarrassed or feel humiliated, there is no shame in loving/trusting someone who did you wrong.
I’m about “Meh” about the stbxw too Walt, but like you say, the opening up thing is hard after the gutting we received from our “best friend and partner”. I’m not there yet, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be there. I had two women I was engaged to cheat on me, followed by my wife of 24 years. Something’s appeared to have died in me, but I’m giving it my best shot. I thinks the odds are best if you really take the time to find the right woman, check for all the red flags and ask your friends for back up on your observations because our “Picker” is subject to “Relationship Goggles”.
From the ones I know that have got there, they say it’s a very gradual process. One guy I know went out with the same woman off and on a “friend” basis for 5 years before they moved in together ( he didn’t remarry). Others who were close to “Checking themselves out” after their wives took off have told me they hold a chunk of themselves back now, believing the one with the least to lose in the relationship holds the best cards.
That’s sad Duncan. I don’t think you should play those games of holding back to “win” the power balance. Reciprocity YES. Power games? NO.
Dear Walt – I think what you’re doing is amazing! Going from being knocked down and getting back up. That’s wonderful. All of you chumplings out there going on dates, my hat is off to you. Haven’t gotten there myself….. can’t quite connect yet to pulling all those favorite feelings out again (well said Chump Son)….
But, doing a lot of other wonderful stuff I haven’t done in years, old and new things. AND just got a great new job. Full-time, better pay, with the full complement of benefits. At 57 no less!!! I just feel incredibly lucky. I took a risk and I’m glad I did. No question that I feel a new, energy washing over me. I so needed this (and like a couple of others said above tho, I still feel stunned and shellshocked, it’s better but, still raw WTF – not Tuesday yet I guess) ….
The thing is, if I was still with him, I’d be waiting around trying to figure out when he’d like to officially start our life together. I became like everything and everyone in his life, just in a perpetual state of being stalled. Everything was stuck. Endlessly. We never would have “started” “our” life together as he didn’t actually like to start or end things…… just kept adding on, putting things in piles and walking away from them half finished. I wouldn’t have done any of this if we were still together. Its kind of frightening actually – how did I lose myself, I just don’t know.
Its really nice to have the experience of being valued and wanted again…… like I made an impression somewhere and it mattered. So now I know/remember that feeling and maybe I can recreate it someplace else.
Congrats on the new job! Squee for you!
Erika,
SO happy for you! You DO matter! We ARE worth something, ALOT! I found myself really opening up and communicating with a couple of guests today (I’m a Concierge) and I have some really great stories about the town where I work, I should…I grew up here…and when they walked away I thought ” Now where the hell did THAT come from?” And it hit me…that was me, Toni and what hit me the most was they couldn’t Thank me enough, and I was just being myself…and they liked me! That used to be normal behavior for me, say anything, without being ashamed of being ME, Toni…big eye opener. What happened to me?
And what you said about waiting…that describes it exactly, I just knew when he woke up…our REAL lives would begin. Shudder. What a joke huh?
Dear Toni – I know exactly what you’re talking about – suddenly I showed up for my own life…. like long enough for an interview! Hell, I would have hired me! These wonderful women interviewed me and I have to say, no fake, no stagecraft, I really really enjoyed them. I found I was genuinely interested in them. I had a really GOOD time. You know when you’re just your charming self – Toni – the things you describe are heart wrenching and that kind of pain has a long long trajectory. Must leave you vulnerable to all kinds of trouble. You can do this – a conversation with guests – you invite them in with nothing to lose or to gain for that matter… and hey, it works! So, you think to yourself….”I can repeat this” and you build on success because you start to remember and feel what success feels like. Repeat – in a good way. I sit quietly by myself and I conjure up how happy I was coming out of that interview – and I think…… so where the hell have YOU been?? Honestly, it makes me feel like holding my stomach in again…..
I feel like I was asleep and it freaks me out because, I didn’t know – like when you’re dreaming….. you know without knowing.
God, it feels so good to connect again, doesn’t it? Just a little bit at a time and just in time. Take care of you!
All,
Thank you for your responses!
I think CL nailed my thoughts when she wrote “Love is risk. Love makes us vulnerable.” I’m just afraid to be vulnerable….
I’m in my early 40’s, so I’ve got a lot of years left to find someone. Dating has been relatively easy – turns out someone with integrity, a pretty good income, in decent shape, a degree from a top university, and is a responsible father is in pretty high demand. Who knew? 😉
The New Girl makes it easy to be with her. She easily passes all of CL’s litmus tests (Does she value you? Is she honest about the little things? Does she do the things she says she’s going to do? Is she reciprocal? Does it give her honest to God pleasure to do for you? Does she delight in making you happy? Can she cope? Does she shoulder her burdens in life and work hard? Can she apologize when she’s wrong?)
On my end – I’ve been upfront and honest with her about my XW’s infidelity and how it has affected my ability to open up. Fortunately, she gets it and she’s willing to stick around. So far, so good.
However, my next hurdle will be introducing her to my kids. They don’t know about her and I’m extremely hesitant to introduce her. This would be the first boyfriend/girlfriend they’ve met since the D (the OM disappeared before the D was finalized). Part of me is protecting my kids, but I think I’m really just protecting myself.
It would be really easy to have an ongoing series of short-term (4-6 month) relationships. I just don’t want that anymore. I liked be married. I liked taking care of someone else and being taken care of by them. That’s my goal. I just need to find a way to get over this hurdle…
Thanks for reading.
Vulnerability is the price of admission Walt. But from what you write, it doesn’t sound like you have much to worry about with New Girl.
Take it slow on the kiddos. We introduced ourselves at around 6-7 months in. It’s an adjustment, but kids adapt. My son wasn’t thrilled with the idea of moving his life so I could marry my husband (to put it lightly, he was 13) — it’s nearly three years later and he’s a super happy kid with a wonderful relationship with his step dad. That relationship is a huge blessing in his life. If she’s a good one, just take it easy and stay the course.
You sound like my husband — he also realized he prefers married life.
As for the vulnerable hurdle — I really think you’ll get past that, because the benefits of being open with a wonderful person are so great, you won’t want to miss out on the joys of deeper intimacy. New life crowds out Bad Old Life. The more new memories you make with this good person, the less relevant Bad Old Life is.
You had me at integrity 🙂
“I’m in my early 40′s, so I’ve got a lot of years left to find someone. Dating has been relatively easy – turns out someone with integrity, a pretty good income, in decent shape, a degree from a top university, and is a responsible father is in pretty high demand. Who knew? ”
[waves hand] ME! I knew!
*sigh*
You sound dreamy. And you give me hope.
No rushing the kids into this. I really believe that–unless they ask. But their time with you should be really protected. They are vulnerable and they need you. That’s my opinion. And I’m a good mom.
My youngest is still in HS and I have him full time, thanks be to God. I love him dearly. The other two are away at school but live with me full time on breaks. I’m not going to date until the youngest is off to school away. Or unless I meet someone like you. 🙂
Good going, Walt! You’re doing fine.
The good news is that YOU DO know how to love–really, really LOVE. And so I think you’ll be fine, if you appreciate the love of a GOOD woman. You seem to be discerning. We’re all out here cheering for you!
Walt,
Your question is how do you open up again emotionally? I don’t want to get all “new-agie” on you, but meditation is a really useful tool to do exactly that. After my divorce I became involved with a local Buddhist community and regularly did meditation retreats for the next couple of years. It made a huge difference in my life and not only that, I met my second wife there. I have other friends who have used Transcendental Meditation to equally good effect. I know some folks resist meditation practice that derives from eastern religion because they feel it’s “un-Christian,” but when I was on retreat I met several Catholic priests and nuns and a couple of Rabbis, so you don’t have to “join up” with any religion in order to gain the benefit of the practice. The combination of therapy and meditation is also mutually complimentary. Perhaps your therapist can suggest meditation groups near where you live. The trick is to do a little bit every day. Your heart will open like the proverbial lotus blossom.
So, I read the e-mail from Walt and it really rang a chord with me. I am dating a guy who went through cheating. I went through a divorce as well – my situation was different as cheating was the least of my issues – I was in an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Candidly, who my ex stuck his penis inside was the absolute least of my problems.
So, Walt is dating this “honest, stable and mature” woman. How does she feel about your inability to get over you ex? Is it fair to the new woman to be still holding on to the anger, hurt, resentment, etc. and carrying your baggage from the ex in the relationship with her? How do you think that makes her feel?
I am currently involved with someone that does the same thing. It is so hurtful and so agonizing and I keep praying that he will magically just “pick me” and move on from the ex. I want him to like and hopefully love me more than he hates, misses and is hurt by the ex. It hurts me to be compared to her even though I am somehow the victor of the comparison. It hurts me watch him come so close to intimacy with me and retreat.
He still has pictures of the ex in his house, a wedding picture on facebook. Repeatedly, I have suggested he take them down as I think it is disrespectful to me and unhealthy. The pictures still hang and I don’t say a word about them.
I guess my question is, Walt, how do you think this makes your current girlfriend feel? I am sure her heart has been broken before too. We all have had our share of heartbreak.
Should you be dating and potentially breaking other people’s hearts? Are my feelings and her feeling just acceptable collateral damage in the wake of your hurt?
Julia, forget about the Walts of the world. You got out of one verbally abusive marriage and then replaced it with a guy who is emotionally UNavailable. Forget the pick me dance and focusing energy on what the guy can or cannot do — you only get to control YOU. Your BF is clearly not ready for prime time. Dump him and find someone who is available. Nothing says “I resent carrying your baggage” than stop carrying it.
I hope that Walt found his answer to the question that he raised 12 years ago.
From my perspective, I’d say the answer is “slowly, carefully and at a pace that I am comfortable with.” I’m 10 years out from D-Day and 8 years out from the Divorce being finalised and am still not dating; partly because I’m in no rush but mostly because I have put the bar much higher than it used to be.
And for those acquaintances of mine who tell me that I’m dragging my feet/still not over it (etc etc) ….. if I can be comfortable with me being as careful as I am, why can’t you be?
LFTT
” I’m 10 years out from D-Day and 8 years out from the Divorce being finalised and am still not dating; partly because I’m in no rush but mostly because I have put the bar much higher than it used to be.”
I am only months out from the divorce being final, 5 from D-Day. I, too, am in no rush to date.
My usual stance is “I am not ready yet, and am not sure if I will ever be”. The past 5 years have been so incredibly hard, and again, it’s only been months since it was finalized, so it isn’t all that shocking that I am not ready yet. I need a minute, lol.
But I think when I say “I may never be ready” that isn’t entirely accurate. I think it’s more truthful to say “maybe I won’t ever WANT to”? But I think I feel funny about admitting that sometimes.
I don’t miss companionship really. I have so many great friemds, I have my kids. My pets. I am not lonely.
I do miss…”romance” a little? For example, I would like to get a little dressed up, go to dinner with a guy I am interested in, have a cocktail and some good conversation/laughs. Go catch a movie. Hell, go on a little vacation maybe. But I am not sure I miss having a partner. I am very guilty of being a people pleaser and losing myself in a partner. And I did that for a FW, got stung, and now am not at all interested in giving up any of my freedom. I don’t want a guy around that will be like “oh? you are going oout for a girls night saturday? I guess I won’t see you this weekend then”so that I can then feel guilty and bag out of my next girls night. Obviously adult relationships are about compromise, but I am not sure I am interested in compromising. I compromised so much of myself with that FW that I barely recognized myself when I left him. Not interested. Been there/Done that.
I guess what prompted me to reply to you was you said the divorce was final 8 years ago and you are in “no rush” to date. To me, maybe you aren’t so much taking it slow as you are just not interested in dating? (sorry- not trying to be presumptive, I just see a little possible similarity in how you feel to how I feel) . And maybe that will change. We never know who we will run into in life even if we aren’t looking, if the right woman comes along, you might find yourself in a rush after all. lol But if that never happens, that is ok too. And I don’t think enough people say this. You don’t HAVE to ever partner up again. What you have to do is live your life and be happy and if in your case (or mine) that doesn’t involve dating, that is perfectly ok. There is a big difference between wanting a partner and being too “scared ” to try and hence missing out, and just being perfectly happy single.
SoOI,
I’m happy being single, but I’m also open to the idea of dating. I like the idea of companionship and romance etc, but not at any cost/risk. As I mentioned above, I’ve put the bar a lot higher than it used to be. I guess the key for me (over and above trustworthiness) is reciprocity …. if someone isn’t willing (or able) to put the effort in that I’m willing to put in, then that person is not for me.
Fundamentally, I don’t know what tomorrow holds (or who I’ll meet) and I’ll never say “Never” …. but I’m still going to be much more careful than I was “that one time.”
LFTT
That’s right- what’s the point of attaching ourselves to someone else ‘just because’.
My mum thinks I should go down to the ‘Decent Man ‘ shop and bring my gift wrapped future home.
Nope- I’m not opposed to the idea but I know what I want and that’s thin on the ground in my current environment.
I’ll wait.
I think I didnt answer this question when it was first posted because I had a new boyfriend and we were spending so much time together, I had less time reading CL.
I was destroyed when my partner of 29 years (26 married) gave me The Divorce Talk (denying anyone else was involved) …his version of betrayal was very mean and blaming. It was a long, miserable mess and I was betrayed in numerous ways.
but I still believed in love and hoped to try an actual marriage someday (I dont know that clusterfuck was which I was in for 26 years, but it did not fit my definition of marriage). I wanted to give actual marriage a whirl someday.
I was kind of stupid when I started dating and I am embarrassed over stupid things I said and did, but none of it had any really bad outcomes and I doubt the other people involved even remember.
When contemplating if I could trust, I told myself that Cheater had taken so much from me, I would not let him take anything more which included my ability to love and trust.
I was wary and careful (which helped, I figured out 2 or 3 catfish pretty quickly) but also very observant. My new love made some blunders because he had only had one date in 12 years and he acted like a big awkward football player who hadnt had a date in 12 years.
In the end, I did suffer minor stings along the dating path, but Ive now been married to my sweet yet tolerably imperfect (as I am tolerably imperfect) husband for 10 years and I consider myself very fortunate.
One small piece of advice of the unsolicited variety: Try dating women your own age and see how that works. You could get away with seeking out younger women because you likely could get away with doing so, but give age peers a whirl. They will likely appreciate your companionship and you may find you have a lot in common.
My fuckwit ex was the person I finally opened up to and trusted after healing from another betrayal.
I’ll leave the trusting and opening up to you guys. That is a sucker’s bet. I will never trust anyone again, as long as I live.
I completely get it. You trusted again, only to have your heart stomped on again. I doubt I will ever trust again either. At my age and with the other things going on in my life the resilience just isn’t there and neither are the opportunities anyway. I think that everyone has a different tolerance for pain but that the tolerance isn’t in infinite supply. When it runs out, maybe it can be replenished by taking a break and doing a lot of self care and maybe not.
Thanks for not trying to talk me out of it. Sometimes I feel sad because I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship, I’m kind, loyal, intelligent, and gifted at domestic touches, but that’s precisely why I can’t trust anyone.
My whole experience of relationship, since the beginning of my life, is that people are attracted to me because they want to use my gifts and not give me anything in return. I’ve never experienced love differently.
Being this wrong about someone means that I can never trust my own judgement again, and with a child, the stakes are so much higher now.
Dracaena,
Use your gifts on yourself, and your kids. And any good friends and family you have. Let YOUR life benefit from them.
The FW was kind of a mess when I met him. Aimless. In a job that didn’t pay enough for him to llive on his own, so he was at mom’s. With no indication of looking to change that. He also came with a temper. Gee…what a dream boat.
I took him in and set him on the path that brought him to where he is now, making an incredible salary. Now I will say this, he is not dumb. He is very smart and I am sure that over the course of the past 25 years, he would have landed on his feet somewhere good with or without my help. But that still doesn’t change the fact that he quite literally only has the job he has because of me.
He isn’t the only ex of mine that benefited from me ways that affected their lives in a pernanent/positive way. I am apparetntly a very persuasive cheerleader/support.
And the FW simply did not deserve it.
So, from now on, I will be my OWN lucky charm. I will use my good luck for me and mine. I will champion my kids, my dear friends, family, and coworkers. The goodness I have will not go to waste simply because I am not dating. And neither should yours.
Same!
Yeah I’m the reason my fw ex is living a glamorous life instead of toiling away for minimum wage in a small town. I don’t mind that I’m no longer sharing that life, I was never an enthusiastic social climber, but it’s wild to hear that I was a gold digger with no talent or ambition.
I’m using my talents to build my own beautiful castle, and this castle is all for me. Happy to challenge the idea that true health and healing has to look like everyone being married off.
Since my 2xchump experiences I no longer am as resilient. My second cheater had 2 kids that I was with for 30 years since they were age 4 and 11. With this last betrayal 3 years since D day…I have lost 2 now adult step kids and 5 of their children…so all of my 5 step grandbabies that I watched 3 of the being born, yes IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.. those 2 step kids walked out with their dad. Oh not at first, they were all love and kindness to me at first and knew their dad was a looser..but 2 years now hardly a word even though I send birthday gifts and cards to the step granchildren. I just CANNOT take joining another family, merging kids, relatives and letting all that slip away AGAIN. NO I can’t take anymore as it would kill me truly. My heart bleeds into pure ash. So I will stay single and thank God for the lessons I did learn even in the most horrible times. But never again. However, when I meet a Chump that is holding on to her cheater and all weak and whinny,I get so angry, seeing myself in her, so helpless and kind and pick me dancing but thinking they are sacrificial lambs and volunteers too…so I have alot of work to do in forgiving myself and not a candidates for another relationship. Sad but true.
Walt, I hope the 12 years has brought you the happiness you deserve and that you found your answers.
I have been contemplating this a lot myself recently as I have poked and prodded at dating again in the two years since my world imploded. Here is my experience of such.
I feel like for a lot of us, the betrayal and heartbreak challenge everything we ever knew at an elemental level. This includes things like the nature of trust, respect, etc. For me, genuinely, being forced to look at those things made me take a look at some of the uglier parts of myself and my expectations as I started to rebuild. I found a lot of “because you’re supposed to” in my reasoning for certain things. Some of it did turn out to be healthy; some of it I am working on.
Set boundaries. Observe your own boundaries. Respect your own boundaries. Enforce your boundaries.
One of the things I read in learning to navigate the heartbreak was genuinely, how good and wonderful it is/was to love. (Walk with me on this one-you will not catch me going greeting card on you all.) The specific platitude is that to love somebody is to open yourself up to the possibility of harm and how much courage that takes. Any kind of love is going to entail risk of harm. Our love is an extension of our more core being. Big emotions aren’t just big love-they are also big hurt by extension.
Love and trust, I found through my reflections and therapy, are some very calculated risks when boiled down past emotions. I am an emotional being though-they are obviously more complex than that. However the cold logic has given me the framework to heal with.
I’m trying to take those risks again, uncomfortable of a notion as that is for me. Wherein I loathe loss, the biggest loss of my life has educated me how ephemeral most bonds really are. And that some people and things are worth losing.
“If you run, you gain one. If you move forward, you gain two.”
My fuckwit hurt me worse than anybody or anything ever hurt me two years ago(and I have been dead). I was my most vulnerable with her than with anybody ever. And hoo boy did I ever pay for it! It is good to love and good to trust. Like the rest of us…I trusted the wrong person. She broke a lot of me. She didn’t find a way to break my love, though.
She sure as hell made me a hell of a lot more cautious, though.
It really comes down to safety. I think we’ve all learned that it is really on us to keep ourselves safe (as the people we trusted to help us with that flunked pretty hardcore). It’s been a good time to re-evaluate boundaries and expectations (as well as plain old “what the hell went wrong last time?”)
I have a base expectation of reciprocity and respect. If those things do not appear to be in balance (I still overgive-that’s who I am) I pull back and re-evaluate. If my boundary isn’t respected, I pull back and re-evaluate. Those were things I never quite did with my fuckwit.
And frankly, given my propensity to overshare, I more greatly restrict what I put into the world. I’m more acutely listening to that “first day of work” speech I got when I started in this field-“if you wear it on your sleeve they will rip it off and choke you with it.” There has been a lot more “what is safe to share with strangers and even people that I care about” since that idiot ripped my heart out and choked me with it. You have to be kind of special for me to share what I’m really thinking or excited about. (And Chumpnation? You are special to me.)
Strangely I find the opposite to also be beneficial as well. I am less ashamed of who and what I am openly. Part of my boundary setting has been less hiding some of that. It has helped me get more comfortable with putting myself out there and taking those risks. Frankly if my hobbies or interests are going to scare people off…well…they have a lot more to be scared of from me, apparently. I have a list of things that I suppressed to appease my fuckwit and Pick-Me Dance harder-I’m done with that.
The serious beauty to be found in betrayal from the people that we loved the most is two ply:
1) They hurt us worse than we’ve ever been hurt but were not smart enough to finish us off. As I like to say, “The nightmares persist. Yet so, too, do I.”
2) There is very little if anything any other person can do to us that will be worse. Because if nothing else we won’t permit it.
My attempts at dating again have…not been great, to be honest. That landscape has changed A LOT since the last time I was single. And that’s ok! I have, too! I’ve dodged some bullets. And I am ok working on myself and living my life otherwise. “Better no company than bad company.” It has been worth the risks overall. Sure there’s been pain…but in reconnecting with the person I was before that idiot came along and messed me up…I’ve had to remember that Pain is Strength. “At least I tried.” I am unhappy with how the last one turned out…but I had the courage to say what I felt and meant it. And “losing” is just another word for “still in the game.”
From a therapy standpoint-the key to skill building is to start small and manageable. Celebrate the victories, learn from the mistakes. But for the love of God and all of her wacky nephews, keep trying! Try again-inch the difficulty up when it feels right. Wherein we evaluate the risk of dating again, step 1 is not “get married and get to the 10th anniversary”, it’s “talk to the girl.” And it’s totally ok to step back and re-evaluate, take a breather. You’re at YOUR pace, nobody else’s. You will get there if you keep working at it-and not a minute before or after you were supposed to.
Stay Mighty!
I love that– personal betrayal as primer for political resistance: “They tried to bury us but they didn’t know we were seeds.”
And here we are at CN germinating away to the great chagrin and consternation of various media cheating apologists. 😉
I love this so much: “They hurt us worse than we’ve ever been hurt but were not smart enough to finish us off. As I like to say, “The nightmares persist. Yet so, too, do I.”
It really is all about perspective at times. I look back on the early days when there was hopium and pick me dancing and I was so scared and just absolutely chumpy in the worst ways.
And when I see that from my current position, I don’t like it. It reminds of of how helpess and weak I was or at least felt.
But the thing about that is, sure, I went to bed at night sobbing, and frequently wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next day. And sure it was kind of pathetic in a way. (I mean, that is a very harsh way to say it, in truth I was going through the hardest thing I have ever gone through so I should give myself a beak, most people would be feelig pretty weak at that moment) But the fact is, here I am. I persist. And I am so much better off for it. We all persist. We all are better off.
I’m probably repeating myself but I’m fond of the premise of a rather obscure 20th century theory in psychology called “Positive Disintegration.” I like how it reframes periodic emotional crises as not due to psychological deficiency but a given in life and necessary for the evolution of character. I also like the fact that it seems so anti-Calvinistic and completely rejects the idea that bad things only happen to bad or defective people.
Wiki has a decent overview of it and the bio of Polish theorist Kazimierz Dabrowski is interesting. He seemed to walk the walk in terms of personal evolution and political resistance. If I’m going to give any credence to theories in psychology, I’m more prone to listen to someone whose principles were severely tested and proved solid rather than some sheltered academic guru.
Very interestigj. I took a quick peek. It definitely needs a deeper dive. It’s a little like the myth of the Phoenix. And I almost hate to bring up the phoenix because it is so ckiche, and was used by Ben Affleck, notable FW.
After he separated from Jennifer Garner, who he famously cheated on, he was spotted with a HUGE back tattoo of a phoenix. Someone asked Garner about it and she kind of laughed and asked “Am *I* the ashes that he is rising from?” And it is such a perfect “bless his heart” reply. She tried to support a cheating, alcoholic grump for years, and HE is the one that is rising like a phoenix? True FW through and through.
*disclaimer, she cheated on her previous husband with Affleck, so the sympathy isn’t exactly flowing over here. I still think the whole “woe is Ben, he has overcome SO much” schtick is laughable.
I think you can often measure how far along the domestic abuser continuum an abuser is by their self pity. Some learn to conceal it but it’s always curdling under the surface.
It’s easier to lower your guard when you’re heavily armed– proverbially speaking. A friend and I riff about why we can afford to be generally friendly and outgoing:
“Pray tell, what is that strange lump under your sweater set?”
“Rocket launcher.”
Kidding aside, I think it’s easier to take certain social risks once you’ve honed your defenses and are assured of getting backup support from a stable group of friends.
I even suspect that the “intrusive thoughts” part of PTSD and the tendency to compulsively replay traumatic “what if” scenarios has a very important purpose. Kind of like the virtual martial arts app in The Matrix, it’s your subconscious lizard brain’s way of telling you you’re still a sitting duck and nudging you to up your battle skills and improve your ability to identify threats.
In my experience, the mechanism will continue badgering you, frying your nerves and haunting your dreams until you take the hint and do what’s necessary, whether it’s taking a self defense class, finding a more supportive network, educating yourself on red flags and how to ward off and combat predators or all the above. That’s when your nervous system calms down.
After all, all sovereign countries need adequate military defense systems if they’re going to remain sovereign and maintain peace. People are the same but I think the culture gets a bit confused about how much of any individual’s “budget” should be spent on the “DOD” aspect of personality and where to draw the line between “judicious defenses,” “overkill” or “floppy, spineless sitting duck.”
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of pressure on men to “overkill” and pressure on women to be spineless so developing adequate defenses and balancing that budget sometimes comes with the caveat of becoming a bit of a social outlier. But then, fortunately, that’s where all the really cool people are hanging out– in the outlier zone.
I was thinking about this recently because I trusted the wrong person to pet sit and oversee a painting and carpenter crew while I was away with the kids. I had no choice because the repairs were needed and the kids have allergies and are sensitive to paint and other construction materials. I sensed I was taking a bit of a risk with a newish individual so I put locks on closets and stored anything valuable. Plus he wasn’t the only person watching the cat and overseeing repairs.
The whole thing could have been really upsetting. Someone who might have been a friend turned out not to be worthy and it was the kind of thing that typically divides bystanders. But the strongest parts of my family’s defense system is really the “posse” that the kids and I developed over the course of nine years and the fact we’re all on the same page regarding weighing character, drawing lines and how to respond if someone crosses the ones that matter.
Not surprisingly, three members of the “posse” are former chumps and one is the son of a former chump. So when pet sitter dude started taking too many liberties and leaving messes for our trusted, long term housekeeper and the repair crew to pick up without apology, we swiftly closed ranks, coordinated some diplomatic bs story that appealed to the guy’s evident selfishness (oh, the apartment is unsafe… blah blah ceiling collapse), ousted him and changed the locks before he even knew what happened.
There was no typical waffling or argument about whether the offense was serious enough to warrant calculated dishonesty or expulsion. We all agreed that anyone entitled enough to exploit and stress out a hardworking single mom housekeeper and even mildly neglect a pet can straight up f*ck off. And, most importantly, we all understood that anyone so skillfully two faced that they could feign not being the type of person who would exploit and neglect might be disordered or even dangerous in other ways so the calculated bullsh*ting was justified.
The humorous part is that pet sitter dude still has no idea what happened. He still thinks we’re dumb and friendly chumps. He apparently didn’t notice the lumps under anyone’s sweater or that we all sport the same gang tatts.
Walt was most of the way there when he wrote this. He was willing to trust and to love again, which is 3/4 of the battle IMO. I am not and don’t think I ever will be, and that’s okay too. I accept that another relationship is not in the cards for me and I lack the interest to even try. To chumps who do want that, as CL says, in order to be in a relationship you have to be able to live with the fear of losing it. Your happiness depends on you being able to manage that fear. There is no way to know for sure whether somebody is capable of hurting you in such a devastating way. I think complacency about that is more dangerous than lack of trust, so you should constantly be evaluating the potential of your partner based on the way s/he behaves. Trust but verify, and keep on verifying. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about since I haven’t been in a relationship since FW, but I do think that’s how I’d deal with the fear of being chumped again.
“I accept that another relationship is not in the cards for me and I lack the interest to even try.”
Totally agree! And at this stage of life, lacking the interest to even try is freedom!
“I am not and don’t think I ever will be, and that’s okay too. I accept that another relationship is not in the cards for me and I lack the interest to even try. ”
That is how I feel too a lot of the time. I make up scenarios in my head, for example, if I went to a bbq at a friend’s house and a good friend of theirs and I hit it off, I wouldn’t be opposed to trying a date. But there is no way that I am getting on the dating apps and going through all that. From what I hear it’s full of cheaters looking for a side piece. I am sure there are good peole there too. But I am just not interested enough in dating to wade through looking for them.
The one thing I want to be careful of is I want to leae my mind a little open for now. It’s such early days and I don’t want to convince myself “I am not interested” if what is really happening is “I am too scared”. But I really don’t think it is that. I think I really just enjoy my life as it is currently. Maaybe ask me again once both my kids are out of the house?
So eloquently put. Yes I trust but verify through observations and background checks and records searches. I observe my fiancé and note do actions match words? My chumped brain scans for inconsistency. I notice he is comfortable leaving his phone near me, face up, and away from him for hours. I’m able to verify a lot of past history because of knowing his relatives which is difficult to do if online dating strangers.
I wasn’t out looking for romance post divo and would likely stay single if this falls apart.
So I dated my second cheater for 2 years but started dating him only 6 months after my divorce. He was going through the custody part when I met him and yes his wife was a cheater. But when I walked down the aisle I was still shaking and scared to death. No one should get married if they are as fearful as I was. Adding 2 step kids, his mentally ill father, a bizarre mother with 8 previous marriages. Red flags all..I now know that TIME would have fleshed out this second unstable person AT LEAST until we were both healed somewhat from our horrific divorces. Maybe I would have seen more, maybe not. I woukd the also not even start to date somone going through a divorce!But 2 hurting people get Trauma bonded and once you have healed you may be very very different people. All this is tremendously difficult when you have 2 needy hurting people….but time might have helped me make a better decision..or not…but one should not be so afraid when making this commitment. Best wishes Walt..I sadly believe there are many more good woman than available good men. It is a sorry imbalance IMO.
Mother with 8 marriages? Whew
An honest game of catch, how true!
I cannot thank CL and CN enough for all this forum did to my sanity moving forward from the disaster. This updated post came just at the right time.
Tonight my New Lady and I introduced my two sons and her son to each other and hold hands in front of them. All was swell. The kids got along great with each other and with us. I felt warm and lucky, and hope she felt that way too. Among the many, many things we have in common, our kids (and us, probably) are autistic and she is a chump too. I never felt so validated and valued in a relationship, and things are moving smooth and at a comfortable pace. No rushing, no stalling. I had a somewhat long serious relationship after the divorce, but my FWXW managed to scare the living shit out of my ex-girlfriend with her crazy stalking. Come to think of it, FW made me another favor (the first was her betrayal), because the previous relationship was kind of neurotic and lopsided. I’m already meh when it comes to my FWXW. Now I can see the first light rays of Tuesday. Thank you, Tracy, from the bottom of my heart. You helped me to cope and to fix my picker.
I’ve been reading here for years, but don’t think I’ve ever read this particular post.
“I like to think of falling in love as a game of catch. When he threw the ball at me, I always picked it up and threw it back. And then he picked it up and threw it back immediately, and further the next time. But he always threw the ball back. He didn’t hide the ball. Or pretend I hadn’t thrown a ball at him. Or pretend that he hadn’t thrown a ball at me. It was an honest game of catch.”
How wonderful! I’m in my upper 60s now, divorced for 18 years (ex-H died 2 years ago so the stalking stopped and I haven’t visited here as often). In my entire life, I have never had a romantic relationship that was like this. Those who have, consider yourselves lucky and very blessed.
Walt probably found Ms. Right – update? Twelve years ago, I would have answered much differently than I do in 2025.
Real talk: the dating landscape has recently changed a ton, almost as much as (in lockstep with?) the political climate in the US’s rapid, sweeping changes since our last presidential election. Online dating in particular has gone off the rails with patterned systemic misogyny even more than when I last dated circa 2018. Check out the WomenDatingOverForty subreddit for more on how to navigate this new normal. Or how to opt out like I did. For me personally, I’ve been intentionally abstinent since Roe was repealed. Life is very peaceful.
We have to learn to trust ourselves–to trust we will take the time to evaluate people we let into our lives, to trust we can discern good character, to trust that we can recognize incompatibility, disrespect and lack of reciprocity–as well as their opposite.
But the bottom line is none of us have a crystal ball. Today I was driving a friend home when a driver came out of a driveway accelerating and I had to take the car off the road to avoid getting T-boned in the driver door. Ten minutes later a deer racing across a road nearly hit my car. Two close calls but I’m still here. We’re mortals. And human history is lesson in things always changing, from the leaves falling in autumn to wars and the slow grinding destruction of institutions. We can trust in our wise understanding that we can’t stop change and we can’t control other people. But we can also trust that love (of a partner, of kids, of friends, of pets) is worth the risk even with our awareness of mortality.